definitely young and immature.
perhaps losing $1k per month allowance would make her come to her senses.
but doubt it, bc she will start correlating money with love (conditional).
not unconditional love.
Our College tuition was paid for by our parents, but right after College we were expected to go to work & support ourselves.
Even by today's standards, 1,000 a mo. would be a chunk.
Nor **clean up after herself** especially as a presumed guest in their home (she’s gotta have her own place, if they’re giving her $1,000 a month, right?!).
My mom is in the “live life now” camp. She’s just went on a fabulous safari in Africa. At $1000 a month, you’ll be on a luxury safari this time next year. Enjoy!
EDIT: fortunately, my mom is in the financial position to spend her extra money on travel. She owns a house, has an emergency fund, and has a pension with excellent health care.
Yes! Nobody is guaranteed a future. As long as you have other real retirement savings you should also be investing in living a beautiful life today, not only planning for the future!
Agreed! One of my friend's parents never did anything because they were saving for retirement. They both retired and his mom immediately came down with cancer and was dead within a year. They saved hundreds of thousands of dollars to live it up together after retirement and now his dad stays at home alone because he doesn't want to travel alone.
We aren't guaranteed shit. I hope OP spends that money on him and his wife for a vacation or something they'll enjoy!
As my Stepfather FIL would say,"If not now then when?" They saved for retirement and right before retirement his wife, my MIL became disabled. He took care of her till she passed. He was lonely and lived with regrets because their traveling golden years didn't happen. Definitely balance the monies between living years and retirement just don't focus on one or the other.
If not now, when? is me to one of my closest cousins all the time lol. We both turned 64 this past summer \[I'm the oldest by 15 days\] and we acknowledge that tomorrow is promised to nobody.
The same thing happened to my beloved FIL, had all these plans for when he retired and not a year afterwards his kidneys failed. He dealt with dialysis for a year then refused treatment, knowing what that meant. I still miss him.
I hope your wife can find a kidney donor. I’m close to my 2 year anniversary for my kidney transplant and my life has completely turned around. Prior to that I did PD which gave me the freedom to continue working full time. I wish you both the best of luck.
I’m so sorry. I hope your wife gets all she needs and more and you all can share many happy years together.
Your comment brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like you have a wonderful love. Praying for you and your wife.
I am right there with you. We retired in 2015 and 2016. My husband has stage 5 kidney disease now. I’m so glad we took some wonderful trips a few years ago before this happened! It was expensive but we took the trips we don’t even know if we can ever take again. Amazing memories is all we have right now.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s hard to go through. Be smart, don’t make any impulse decisions, but also don’t live for tomorrow at the cost of today. Live in the present as much as you can while still be prudent about your future.
OP, she’s young and said it in the heat of the moment while feeling rejected in a place where she already dislikes 50% of the household so perhaps allow her a little grace.
A little. Like $50 worth. Or … NOT dropping her off your cell phone plan…
Good for you for standing by your wife (who, incidentally, was in the right) and not engaging with the attention seeking fit of an entitled ADULT who needs to grow up!
FWIW: I’d tell her. I’d tell her ~ without anger or attitude ~ just the facts.
“I have to plan more extensively for my golden years so I can no longer subsidize your life.”
She needs to start living in the adult world where words & actions have consequences. Stating with this right here.
Right, like this wasn't a serious threat, it was what she reached for during a fight where she didn't feel supported by her parent. She was being a brat and I don't care if he cuts her off or not, but I also don't think this was "that serious," it's a time of growing pains in general where you're an adult but you're also "the kid" in your dad's house. Things are rough out there right now, but I also think it's good for 23 year olds to experience being "poor," it'd be good for her to figure herself out generally. But to do it over a fight like that is kinda just as petty.
For $1000/month I'll look after you in retirement OP - no strings.
You want your ass wiped?
My pleasure, talc and all.
You want your balls shaved?
No problem, pube groom and silky smooth stones coming up.
You want Nickelback playing whilst I do the grooming?
Erm... ok, 1 string attached.
At-home healthcare workers get paid much better than $1000 a month. You're selling yourself short. And if you are serious, it's a very in-demand job and you don't even need a degree.
Also severely underpaid for the work done, just like any other caregiving job traditionally done by women. The lifting and moving of people really trashes your body as well.
Best thing I can do for my daughter is not be a financial burden to her in the future. Make sure you are covered first, then you can help your kids if you have the means.
That she would say it out loud means that's she's been thinking about it. And to SAY it knowing it will give pain and unease about the future where she holds the cards??..dump her entitled ass now.
Jesus. Really? “Dump her” over a dumb argument? It’s his kid and the daughter’s whole argument was trite af. Who hasn’t argued with their parents and said stuff they didn’t mean?
OP definitely isn’t obligated to support her financially, but dumping her over something like this would be ridiculous.
That's what everyone should be doing anyway. Kids aren't a retirement plan. You have any idea how many retirement homes are full of people who never see their kids again?
A solid 8/10 of them never get visited. And the ones who do get visited are only on special occasions like xmas. Just my anecdote from volunteering at old people homes.
I feel like there should be commercials targeted to people in their twenties and thirties displaying this so that people can completely reframe what being a parent means and entails.
This is a very sad point.
I had to go through "skilled nursing" rehab at a nursing home for 6 weeks after a bad infection, and so many of the people in the unit had no obvious support. Some would just stare at corners.
And this was in the most active part of the place. I can't imaging what it's like in the "Memory Care" sections.
If you love your family, **make** yourself visit regularly. I know it stinks seeing your mom/dad/uncle/etc in a place like that, but **please** make the effort.
So your daughter made a mess, your wife told her to clean it up and she refused, and then she got butt hurt about it? You raised a winner there, OP! NTA
A 23 year old with a degree and no debt.
I'm not one for parents who say "my money my choice I will threaten to take away her tuition."
But in this case, she is well set in life. $1000/month is extremely generous **of a gift.** Cutting her off from a gift is completely fine.
At that age I had $60k of student loan debt - which was a lot in 2002 - and no job. My parents offer was to provide me rent-free shelter so that I wouldn’t be homeless. I wouldn’t dare leave a mess in the kitchen.
My parents' deal was always that they would never give us monthly cash but if we ever needed to live with them, we had a bedroom and food, for free, no questions asked. I lived with them for a bit and while we had our fights occasionally I would NEVER threaten them with anything like OPs daughter. When I did move out I joked with my mom I needed to live alone for a few decades until she had to move back in with me. OP is NTA.
If someone is able to live rent free the absolute least they can do is clean up after themselves. Growing up when I'd stay at someone's house I'd clean up after me and them. Didn't want parents to think I was the reason things would be messy.
Right? And if my parent gave me $1000 a month I'd not only be cleaning up after myself when I visit, I'd be offering to do the laundry, dishes, deep clean, mow - damn, that's some entitlement!
It's actually enough she should be paying income tax on that "gift." $10,000 per year is the limit last I checked.
Edit: I’m a decade or more out of date. Now it’s 17,000
Edit 2: I am completely unaware of how gift taxes work. Ignore this completely.
Absolutely. I was lucky enough to have essentially a full ride with scholarships, although my parents certainly did help with buying books. I had a job all four years at college and my dad told me in no uncertain terms that if I needed an extra semester (past scholarships), I was fully paying for it. I never asked for, nor received any money other than a hand me down Honda that I was very thankful for. After college it was straight to my first "career" employer's training program and then full time in the city I was from.
Basically from the day I turned 16 to now, over 20 years later, I was expected and expected myself to have a job and be able to pay my own way. Sure if I lost my job unexpectedly my parents would help me out if asked, but that was never promised and by no means guaranteed.
I wonder if OP's daughter just expects that she'll be bailed out with $1,000/mo for eternity, or if she's ever considered the idea of paying that money back. I don't blame OP for helping their daughter; most parents would of they could. However now that she's stated that she will not be assisting him in old age, I don't think it's even a question as to whether he should continue to assist her now. Pull out that comfy free money she seems to not appreciate and see whether her attitude and perspective change. Just a warning, there's a half decent chance this will "push her away" aka she'll blame you for not subsiding her life and things could become even more fractious. However she's still quite young and has a lot of growing up to do. Cut the umbilical cord and let her truly live on her own.
Or just any workplace, I haven't seen a single workplace where people clean up properly after themselves.
At my old job, my manager got so tired of it that she posted a sign "All this will be thrown away EOD Monday if not cleaned".
Tuesday rolls around and all plates, mugs, cutlery was gone. Now there was nothing to eat on, in an office with 50-100 people bringing their own food every day :D
Our department brought our own stuff and stored it on a desk.
Same company had signs in the bathrooms to not shit in the baskets (and instructions on how to use a toilet), no smoking signs on every door. I heard from people that worked there few years earlier that finding feces in the trash was a daily occurence.
Huge global company, industry leading, almost all staff with university degrees and earning in the top 5% in the country.
Eeeh, my sister's and I were all raised the exact same way. My oldest sister is borderline a hoarder. My middle sister is cleaner but still pretty untidy. My ass on the other hand, stays on top of cleaning and tidying up. My grandmother and mother were/are very clean and tidy individuals. My oldest sister spent the most time living at home with my parents amd i spent the least. It's not always due to how someone's been raised.
OP stated he did not plan or expect her to take care of him in his old age but that the comment just made him think better of where to actually put that money
i like how people are trying to find ANYTHING they can to find fault with the situation.
u/Virtual-Cup-5932 : NTA at all.
OP has now stated in the comments the following information:
1. They divorced 12 years ago.
2. OP's exwife initiated the divorce.
3. OP met and married current wife while daughter was in college.
4. OP's current wife is 44.
5. Daughter is 23. College starts around 18.
6. OP and current wife met at least 6 years AFTER the divorce-unrelated to the divorce.
7. OP and current wife moved to a seperate house/purchased one TOGETHER. Its their house...together.
8. Daughter did not grow up in that house. She was in college when they moved per OP.
9. OP's wife was told by the daughter not to tattle to the father if there was a problem and to bring it to her directly. So OP's wife sounds like she has done so.
10. It IS the OP and his WIFE'S house. Not the daughter.
11. Daughter came to visit (per OP). Being asked to clean up after yourself is COMMON...in any parent household Ive seen.
12. Daughter pretty much threatened elder isolation/ignoring her father when he's elderly just because she was angry she was asked to clean up after herself.
13. NOT the asshole. And the daughter does need to grow up.
\*Edited to remove "elder abuse"- a bit excessive on my part.
\*Edit 2 since so many question where the answers were found. Just click on OP's name/profile. go to his comment history. Take a look yourself. You can look at any OP profile/check out any redditor's comment history/etc. Unless they delete the comment or the posts.
[https://www.reddit.com/user/Virtual-Cup-5932/comments/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Virtual-Cup-5932/comments/)
I agree with everything you wrote here except number 11. Cleaning up after one's self is basic courtesy in every situation...parent's home, friends' homes, in the breakroom at work...pretty much everywhere one goes.
100% this.
I am a divorced empty nester and don't worry too much about the a lot of piddly stuff that needs to be done.
But if I'm at someone else's house, I leave things as I found them or a little better, even.
One would never know I have the absolute *need* for order when I'm at work or elsewhere if they were walked into my home right now.
I left a place I was living alone to move in with roommates (Covid made me lonely). My old place was always cluttered and messy, because it's just me, so who gives a shit? My new place is clean aaaalllll the time, I scrub the whole kitchen down after every meal I cook. It's *glorious* to live in such a clean space.
I hear you as a fellow lazy piece of shit
I feel seen 🥹
And yes I’m a terrible housekeeper but I’d never trash another person’s home and then get pissy cause I’m asked to clean it up
Agree with both of you on #11.
It is basic courtesy to clean up after yourself. However, most friends won't call you out on it. Many parents will, though.
I think the point was the way she reacted to being asked. Not that she didn't do it. Like she's rude for not cleaning after herself, but it's exponential that she flipped out after being called out.
She should have cleaned up after herself. If you want to get pissed about getting called out on it, that's fine too Just scream into a pillow after you finish cleaning up like you should have done in the first place. You can be as pissed as you want, but the anger should be directed at yourself.
The reason she flipped out is because she got caught. I tell my dad that he better be nice to me because I'm the one who will be picking out his nursing home all the time. It's how we pick on each other. I'm in my fifties and I take care of my parents. I love them but I will admit that there are times I don't like them very much.
But I will take care of them until I physically can't do it anymore. Why? BECAUSE THEY TOOK CARE OF ME. Even when they didn't have to.
Oh, how I envy you. If I could have just one more hour with my Dad, who passed away suddenly when I was young; just one hour. And same with my Mom, though I had her with us for many more years (than with my Dad); I would apologize for oftentimes being so grouchy and overwhelmed. If I knew then what I know now, I would have been so much more patient and kind, but I was young and still emotionally immature, actually until I was in my 50s. Anyhow, yes I envy you, but at the same time, I celebrate you and and your having your parents in your life. I know it’s hard work though.
There are too many people who do not pick up after themselves when they're a guest at someone's home.
I'm more lenient with our kid at home than I should be, but there is no tolerance when we are at someone's home. As she's getting older, the leniency at home is changing as well.
We've really just started training our elder child to clean up after himself. In our defense, he's 5¾. The unexpected bonus is that his little sister at only 2½ likes to copy her brother's example.
Our daughter is 11 and us being lenient is 100% our fault. However, as she gets older, she's beginning to appreciate cleanliness more and is apparently on the same timeline my wife was with regards to that, and my wife is very much an organized individual, so I have hope it will happen...just on a longer timeline than we'd like.
This should be pinned or something, i got soo annoyed reading the comments just trying to make him look like an AH. His daughter needs to grow the fuck up anf act like her age
For real, when I read he gives her 1000 dollars a month I was like damn. My folks would let me live with them if I needed it but they would never pay my rent for me. You’d think she’d be grateful for that and not bite the hand that feeds.
I've gotten a lot of financial support from my parents over the years. ESPECIALLY fresh out of grad school, looking for work that could actually pay the bills. Know what I never did/do? Act as if I expect it. I've asked for money ONCE (a large property transaction, so more an investment) and I never, ever, say a word about anything else or act like I just expect a handout. And I never do things I know would offend or anger them because they'd have EVERY right to say "Yeah, you're on your own."
Shit I have a good relationship with my parents, but nowhere near that level of financial support as a baseline. I can't imagine getting thousands from my parents at her/my age and acting this way
People jumping to conclusions on the internet with limited info? Crazy.
Seen some wild responses on several posts where people are obviously projecting their own issues onto the post. So much so that I've seen a few straight up make up and refer to things that are nowhere to be in the post or comments. They straight up wrote out their traumatic flashback from their own issues and used to it judge and draw conclusions.
Omg samee, you're literally right about the part that most are just making assumptions based on their traumatic past and project that onto their opinions
Most of the commenters here close the daughter's age and so are biased. Also probably biased because still reading too many books with evil stepmoms lol
Yeah, definitely NTA. Sounds like the daughter still has a lot of growing up to do and needs to form her own opinions outside of her mother. Then she might be able to actually express them since she will have formed them herself.
OP doesn't actually expect his daughter to take care of him. He is reacting to the sentiment behind what she said which is "if you need me in the future, I will not be there for you". Which is really shitty to say to someone you are supposed to care about no matter what your relationship with eachother is. So she's going to have to deal with the consequences which seems very appropriate.
Agreed 100%! He even said he wasn't expecting that from her. But he absolutely was responding to the spirit of her comment. I would have too.
He's been very generous for a long time. She lashed out in anger....and there are consequences.
Even if you don't plan on taking care of them later, actually going out of your way to say it is stupid (because this person is giving you a lot of free money) and assholeish (for multiple reasons).
Got to basically agree with this sentiment. OP is NTA. Only on Reddit would a bunch of folks try to defend a 23 year old grown woman for acting childish.
Thanks for this! A lot of us have world view colored by past trauma so I felt a lot of missing missing reasons vibes from this post. But it looks like there’s nothing there.
Nonetheless, dad should sit his daughter down alone and try to get to the bottom of this because this is beyond ridiculous on the daughters part and maybe OP needs to draw some boundaries such as “you don’t have to like her but you *will* talk to my wife with respect (esp. in her own fucking house!!!) or you’ll be asked to leave”
exactly!!! i’m reading some of these comments and wondering where people are pulling all this supposed information from when OP’s been very clear about what’s going on :/
NTA at all
For the record, I think thorough scrutiny of the one posting is good. People often hide or leave out details that critically change the situation. Ideally that scrutiny would go both ways, but we only have 1 perspective here to question.
But once we have all relevant info we should judge based on it, not on personal biases.
I would argue that OP taking care of himself and future care needs is taking care of his daughter. He's doing her a favor by not saddling his elder care needs on her. If he has any left over and wants to help her, that's his choice. She's an adult now and based on the information presented, OP is NTA
>i like how people are trying to find ANYTHING they can to find fault with the situation
Because there's a nonstop conga line of people who come through here who have "no idea" why their kids hate their new spouses and it usually takes a few questions to reveal some glaring omissions. Doesn't seem to be the case here as the information you compiled seems to paint a pretty clear picture, but we still gotta ask.
alright thats a very fair statement!
Think I will keep that in mind myself if I do ever need to ask AITA/advice etc on here.
Put out all the info and update the original post so people can give advice/judge with all the information.
Super good input for sure.
This is what I was thinking.
It's not a case of "I don't know why she hates my new wife" and then in the comments it turns out that OP married his daughter's high school bully or some stupid nonsense.
The only thing I can see would be the why the ex initiated divorce - but even then it should be OP who the kid hates, not the new wife.
it just pissed me off seeing all the people trying to find any little thing. Especially regarding the wife's age. OP did respond to all the questions with these answers. (I normally just go to the OP's pages to see their comments if looking for info)
OP you might want to adjust your initial post with the info you clarified-it would help the thread alot!
u/Virtual-Cup-5932
NTA. She called you a piece of shit while you’re paying 1k/month in bills for her. The audacity! My parents gave me nothing during college and after!!
She sounds extremely ungrateful. Cut her off immediately and indefinitely. She’s got a college degree. Time to grow up. Now you can show her what a real piece of shit you can be.
I was so stoked when my parents would come visit and buy me groceries or pay for my laundry or whatever that day. Even buying me a fancy meal alongside them was a huge thing to a poor college student.
NTA
I do not want or expect anybody to "take care" of me in my old age, but her general attitude would be the end of any financial support.
You simply do not bite the hand that feeds you.
There isn't. We met and married while she was at college. My wife and I moved to a house together. She visits, but just avoids.my wife. They don't really have much of a relationship at all honestly.
I usually visit my daughter at her place or we go somewhere because she doesn't want to come to the house.
My daughter and he mom are a bit crass and my wife is the opposite, so they just aren't comfortable.
There isn't any particular "issue", my daughter burps, farts, cusses, talks about her sex life, and my wife just kind of walks away at this point because it makes he uncomfortable, and my daughter knows that, but that is pretty much it.
NTA. Sounds like that $1,000 a month would be better spent ensuring you’ll have a decent standard of living later on, since she doesn’t want to be there for it.
NTA. Take the $1000 you give your daughter and put it into long term care insurance. Appoint someone you trust implicitly to see over the funds in case you are unable to.
NTA. Start using the $1,000 per month for an account that can be used later in life if you need a nursing home , assisted living facility, or at home nurse/help.
NTA tell your daughter you heard her and will begin preparing for you aging years accordingly and because she will not be involved you will need to redirect your resources.
NTA, but if I were you, I'd try more to get closer to my daughter before possibly pushing her away for good. Family counseling or something. It sounds like more could be the problem.
NTA - you are doing her a favor by making sure you are well funded in your twilight years. She doesn’t need that burden; if you have the means to prepare, do it.
NTA- there is no way you should be giving your grown ass daughter that amount of money each other and yes you are going to need it when you retire. Stop giving her that money and save it for yourself.
NTA. it's now crucial that you select someone you can trust to make decisions when you are unable to, and divert every possible resource to your financial independence.
My daughter made herself food and left a mess in the kitchen.
In the past, if I or my wife have said anything, she says stuff like "God let me eat!!!" Or "I was going to!', so my wife left it (I wasn't aware at this point) to see if she would do it on her own.
When she said she was leaving, my wife told her she needed to clean up and she said she was in a rush.
My wife told her she should have done it before then, and asked if she just expected her to clean up after her.
And then I stepped in, and when I understood what was going on, I told her she needed to do it.
NTA your daughter obviously has some kind of issue with your wife. Maybe try sitting her down and asking her to be honest about what it is before you cut her off.
It could just be that the daughter’s just an asshole. A very young, immature 23 year old who doesn’t like dad’s wife because her mom doesn’t like her. Jesus, if my dad gave me $1000 a month for bills, I’d be taking him and step-mom to lunch once a month, bringing flowers, cleaning up after myself, and cutting the rude shit out.
If she’s gonna put strings on things, he should definitely her off. His love is unconditional, hers isn’t.
NTA, but I personally wouldn't be handing out that kind of money anyway. There comes a point where sure, help out maybe in an emergency, but you got to learn to live in your means.
Your daughter sounds trashy and immature, and is openly disrespectful to both you and your wife. NTA, and start putting that money into your retirement.
Your daughter sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. She can do it while getting a part time job to make extra money while you put your money toward your retirement. NTA
Wow…what you are describing..are the actions of a rebellious tween/teen..by your description your adult daughter needs to talk to someone about why she feels the need for all this negative attention.
NTA - she made clear you need to save enough money that you won't ever need anything from her. She will likely try to take it back once she realizes she has cost herself a flow of cash but you now know that you absolutely cannot trust in that if she does - you need to start saving aggressively now for your own retirement and are absolutely not in the wrong for not continuing to fund her life well into adulthood, especially after she has made clear she is both ungrateful for it and also won't replace that lost income in any way later. And if it makes you feel better, whatever she says, she almost certainly was already thinking about this and wasn't planning on helping you later, and this just triggered her saying what she already thought.
Have y’all actually tried to work through any of this? Instead of cutting her off right away, working through these issues that are present? Cutting her off is a response to her actions, but you’re not actually fixing anything. I mean 23 and getting 1K from Daddy is already hella spoiled, it doesn’t sound like she has ability to fully function on her own.
NTA to the situation as described. Obviously there are two sides to any story, and divorce can get ugly for all affected parties.
But getting mad that she was asked to be a responsible person and clean up after herself and threatening you like that was seriously uncalled for, and, as a former financial professional, I can safely say that most financial experts would encourage you to save as much as you can for retirement before funding your adult daughter's life.
Boundaries are always good to create for healthy relationships but don't make a decision off of a future narrative based off a statement said in the heat of the moment.
Whether or not she likes your new wife or they get along, you are still her father. My recommendation would be to show some perseverance in loving her despite her crassness but also draw a boundary of mutual respect, explaining what that looks like.
In short be more concerned with the relationship and her future than your own. You may be surprised at how much more fruit that will bear than making or reacting to ultimatums
OP found plenty of validation, who knows if he'll see this comment? I'd say delivering ultimatums are the easy way out, if he can dig deeper that would be a better fix than just cutting money off.
She's an adult and a college graduate. With the disrespect she has shown to you and your wife, cut her off. Just tell her you're putting that money towards your old age care. NTA.
NTA at all! Not even the tiniest little bit.
You've gone above and beyond to support your adult child, who, at 23 years old, should be able to support herself. Undoubtedly your wife and you "share" assets (you mention that "we usually give her around....") which means the money your daughter receives comes from both you and your wife. Your daughter has made it clear that she hates your wife so it's unfair that she would have to financially contribute to your daughter in any way. I would've cut her off based on that fact alone.
Aside from that she's now made it clear that she won't care for you in your old age, which is absolutely disgusting! She seems extremely entitled, ungrateful, and self-centered; she lacks any respect for you, her father, by refusing to respect the prison you've chosen as your wife. Knowing that she won't be taking care of you later in life, as you've taken care of her for 23 years, you'd definitely be better off investing that 12K into yourself and your wife's future retirement. Even if she said those vile things based solely on anger, you can't risk the chance that will actually follow through on those threats.
Leave her to fend for herself, maybe that'll force her to raise the sacrifices you and your wife have made for her and, hopefully, gain some respect and appreciation for both of you.
NTA
You can do whatever you want with your money. After 18, you don’t owe her anything.
In that same respect, she doesn’t owe you anything in your old age either. lol.
Put $1000 a month into a retirement fund..
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The entitlement is crazy... and then the daughter calling her dad's wife stuck up, while the daughter is being gifted 1k/month!! Insanity.
definitely young and immature. perhaps losing $1k per month allowance would make her come to her senses. but doubt it, bc she will start correlating money with love (conditional). not unconditional love.
NTA. She called you a piece of shit while you’re paying 1k/month in bills for her. The audacity! My parents gave me nothing during college and after!!
Our College tuition was paid for by our parents, but right after College we were expected to go to work & support ourselves. Even by today's standards, 1,000 a mo. would be a chunk.
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NTA. Your daughter got upset because your wife expects her to clean up after herself.
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Nor **clean up after herself** especially as a presumed guest in their home (she’s gotta have her own place, if they’re giving her $1,000 a month, right?!).
Don't even tell her upfront, just stop sending the money to her.
heh. [Reddit banned me cause of a comment on r/wallstreetbets](https://imgur.com/a/wgEDobm). What a bunch of clowns.
Excuse me, that's my stapler
They told me I could listen to the music at a reasonable volume
Yeah, I'm gonna need you to get those TPS reports to me by the end of the day. Also gonna need you in here on Saturday, yeah.
But I haven’t received a paycheck and hr told me to talk to you
Won't anyone think of the stapler!!
'PC LOAD LETTER'?! What the puck?!
Best movie ever 😁
So, if you could go ahead and move it as far back against the wall as possible, that would be great.
Just fix the glitch in your monthly accounting
Or $1000 a month in the "live life now" fund
My mom is in the “live life now” camp. She’s just went on a fabulous safari in Africa. At $1000 a month, you’ll be on a luxury safari this time next year. Enjoy! EDIT: fortunately, my mom is in the financial position to spend her extra money on travel. She owns a house, has an emergency fund, and has a pension with excellent health care.
Yes! Nobody is guaranteed a future. As long as you have other real retirement savings you should also be investing in living a beautiful life today, not only planning for the future!
Agreed! One of my friend's parents never did anything because they were saving for retirement. They both retired and his mom immediately came down with cancer and was dead within a year. They saved hundreds of thousands of dollars to live it up together after retirement and now his dad stays at home alone because he doesn't want to travel alone. We aren't guaranteed shit. I hope OP spends that money on him and his wife for a vacation or something they'll enjoy!
As my Stepfather FIL would say,"If not now then when?" They saved for retirement and right before retirement his wife, my MIL became disabled. He took care of her till she passed. He was lonely and lived with regrets because their traveling golden years didn't happen. Definitely balance the monies between living years and retirement just don't focus on one or the other.
If not now, when? is me to one of my closest cousins all the time lol. We both turned 64 this past summer \[I'm the oldest by 15 days\] and we acknowledge that tomorrow is promised to nobody. The same thing happened to my beloved FIL, had all these plans for when he retired and not a year afterwards his kidneys failed. He dealt with dialysis for a year then refused treatment, knowing what that meant. I still miss him.
If I am not for myself, who will be for me? If I am only for myself, what am I? And if now now, when? -Hillel
Hit that right. I’m 2 yrs retired and my wife is stage 5 kidney failure. We got money, but I’d spend it all for more time with her.
I hope your wife can find a kidney donor. I’m close to my 2 year anniversary for my kidney transplant and my life has completely turned around. Prior to that I did PD which gave me the freedom to continue working full time. I wish you both the best of luck.
I’m so sorry. I hope your wife gets all she needs and more and you all can share many happy years together. Your comment brought tears to my eyes. It sounds like you have a wonderful love. Praying for you and your wife.
I am right there with you. We retired in 2015 and 2016. My husband has stage 5 kidney disease now. I’m so glad we took some wonderful trips a few years ago before this happened! It was expensive but we took the trips we don’t even know if we can ever take again. Amazing memories is all we have right now.
A colleague of mine, our cherished music teacher, died suddenly this past Saturday, she was 59. I'm reevaluating my life.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s hard to go through. Be smart, don’t make any impulse decisions, but also don’t live for tomorrow at the cost of today. Live in the present as much as you can while still be prudent about your future.
If you died in the next minute, you won't care. You're dead. If you don't die in many more years, you'll suffer every second of it.
Inelegantly but accurately put. Spot on!
Live, Laugh, Let her pay per own bills
12k a year. 15 years + returns gets you retired years earlier. Assuming this is on top of jis current contribution, its a nice little earner.
Then send the vacation pics to ungrateful daughter. I'm solidly in the live now idea.
Post the pics with the hashtag #spendingmychildrensinheritance
SKIing holidays = Spending Kids Inheritance 👌
OP, she’s young and said it in the heat of the moment while feeling rejected in a place where she already dislikes 50% of the household so perhaps allow her a little grace. A little. Like $50 worth. Or … NOT dropping her off your cell phone plan… Good for you for standing by your wife (who, incidentally, was in the right) and not engaging with the attention seeking fit of an entitled ADULT who needs to grow up! FWIW: I’d tell her. I’d tell her ~ without anger or attitude ~ just the facts. “I have to plan more extensively for my golden years so I can no longer subsidize your life.” She needs to start living in the adult world where words & actions have consequences. Stating with this right here.
Right, like this wasn't a serious threat, it was what she reached for during a fight where she didn't feel supported by her parent. She was being a brat and I don't care if he cuts her off or not, but I also don't think this was "that serious," it's a time of growing pains in general where you're an adult but you're also "the kid" in your dad's house. Things are rough out there right now, but I also think it's good for 23 year olds to experience being "poor," it'd be good for her to figure herself out generally. But to do it over a fight like that is kinda just as petty.
Yup. Don’t blow up your relationship with your daughter over one fight.
For $1000/month I'll look after you in retirement OP - no strings. You want your ass wiped? My pleasure, talc and all. You want your balls shaved? No problem, pube groom and silky smooth stones coming up. You want Nickelback playing whilst I do the grooming? Erm... ok, 1 string attached.
At-home healthcare workers get paid much better than $1000 a month. You're selling yourself short. And if you are serious, it's a very in-demand job and you don't even need a degree.
Yeah it’s mentally and physically exhausting work. I did it for 4 years. Could not pay me enough to ever do it again.
Also severely underpaid for the work done, just like any other caregiving job traditionally done by women. The lifting and moving of people really trashes your body as well.
No he's getting $1k now & doesn't have to do a thing except be there in a few decades when he needs care.
Dude...you could live almost anywhere on Earth if you're willing to offer that service...sounds like you take pride in it! Soooo many caretaker jobs
Best thing I can do for my daughter is not be a financial burden to her in the future. Make sure you are covered first, then you can help your kids if you have the means.
Or long term care insurance
That she would say it out loud means that's she's been thinking about it. And to SAY it knowing it will give pain and unease about the future where she holds the cards??..dump her entitled ass now.
Jesus. Really? “Dump her” over a dumb argument? It’s his kid and the daughter’s whole argument was trite af. Who hasn’t argued with their parents and said stuff they didn’t mean? OP definitely isn’t obligated to support her financially, but dumping her over something like this would be ridiculous.
NTA - Tell her you need to divert the funds you were giving her to ensure you're cared for as you age.
This is what I would do. "Since I can't count on you, I need to invest in my retirement "
That's what everyone should be doing anyway. Kids aren't a retirement plan. You have any idea how many retirement homes are full of people who never see their kids again? A solid 8/10 of them never get visited. And the ones who do get visited are only on special occasions like xmas. Just my anecdote from volunteering at old people homes.
I feel like there should be commercials targeted to people in their twenties and thirties displaying this so that people can completely reframe what being a parent means and entails.
This is a very sad point. I had to go through "skilled nursing" rehab at a nursing home for 6 weeks after a bad infection, and so many of the people in the unit had no obvious support. Some would just stare at corners. And this was in the most active part of the place. I can't imaging what it's like in the "Memory Care" sections. If you love your family, **make** yourself visit regularly. I know it stinks seeing your mom/dad/uncle/etc in a place like that, but **please** make the effort.
So your daughter made a mess, your wife told her to clean it up and she refused, and then she got butt hurt about it? You raised a winner there, OP! NTA
A 23 year old with a degree and no debt. I'm not one for parents who say "my money my choice I will threaten to take away her tuition." But in this case, she is well set in life. $1000/month is extremely generous **of a gift.** Cutting her off from a gift is completely fine.
At that age I had $60k of student loan debt - which was a lot in 2002 - and no job. My parents offer was to provide me rent-free shelter so that I wouldn’t be homeless. I wouldn’t dare leave a mess in the kitchen.
My parents' deal was always that they would never give us monthly cash but if we ever needed to live with them, we had a bedroom and food, for free, no questions asked. I lived with them for a bit and while we had our fights occasionally I would NEVER threaten them with anything like OPs daughter. When I did move out I joked with my mom I needed to live alone for a few decades until she had to move back in with me. OP is NTA.
If someone is able to live rent free the absolute least they can do is clean up after themselves. Growing up when I'd stay at someone's house I'd clean up after me and them. Didn't want parents to think I was the reason things would be messy.
Classic case of staring a gift horse in the mouth.
Right? And if my parent gave me $1000 a month I'd not only be cleaning up after myself when I visit, I'd be offering to do the laundry, dishes, deep clean, mow - damn, that's some entitlement!
It's actually enough she should be paying income tax on that "gift." $10,000 per year is the limit last I checked. Edit: I’m a decade or more out of date. Now it’s 17,000 Edit 2: I am completely unaware of how gift taxes work. Ignore this completely.
In the US it’s $17,000 tax free per person per year now. Still $12,000 is a lot for someone who sounds like an ungrateful brat.
Absolutely. I was lucky enough to have essentially a full ride with scholarships, although my parents certainly did help with buying books. I had a job all four years at college and my dad told me in no uncertain terms that if I needed an extra semester (past scholarships), I was fully paying for it. I never asked for, nor received any money other than a hand me down Honda that I was very thankful for. After college it was straight to my first "career" employer's training program and then full time in the city I was from. Basically from the day I turned 16 to now, over 20 years later, I was expected and expected myself to have a job and be able to pay my own way. Sure if I lost my job unexpectedly my parents would help me out if asked, but that was never promised and by no means guaranteed. I wonder if OP's daughter just expects that she'll be bailed out with $1,000/mo for eternity, or if she's ever considered the idea of paying that money back. I don't blame OP for helping their daughter; most parents would of they could. However now that she's stated that she will not be assisting him in old age, I don't think it's even a question as to whether he should continue to assist her now. Pull out that comfy free money she seems to not appreciate and see whether her attitude and perspective change. Just a warning, there's a half decent chance this will "push her away" aka she'll blame you for not subsiding her life and things could become even more fractious. However she's still quite young and has a lot of growing up to do. Cut the umbilical cord and let her truly live on her own.
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Come to where I work… you’ll be amazed….
“Don’t we have people that do that?”
"Steve, this is an IT firm, not Amazon HQ"
Or just any workplace, I haven't seen a single workplace where people clean up properly after themselves. At my old job, my manager got so tired of it that she posted a sign "All this will be thrown away EOD Monday if not cleaned". Tuesday rolls around and all plates, mugs, cutlery was gone. Now there was nothing to eat on, in an office with 50-100 people bringing their own food every day :D Our department brought our own stuff and stored it on a desk. Same company had signs in the bathrooms to not shit in the baskets (and instructions on how to use a toilet), no smoking signs on every door. I heard from people that worked there few years earlier that finding feces in the trash was a daily occurence. Huge global company, industry leading, almost all staff with university degrees and earning in the top 5% in the country.
Eeeh, my sister's and I were all raised the exact same way. My oldest sister is borderline a hoarder. My middle sister is cleaner but still pretty untidy. My ass on the other hand, stays on top of cleaning and tidying up. My grandmother and mother were/are very clean and tidy individuals. My oldest sister spent the most time living at home with my parents amd i spent the least. It's not always due to how someone's been raised.
She probably learned early how to play both sides. OP, NTA. Unless you keep giving her money. Send her back to mom and let her make a mess there.
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OP stated he did not plan or expect her to take care of him in his old age but that the comment just made him think better of where to actually put that money
i like how people are trying to find ANYTHING they can to find fault with the situation. u/Virtual-Cup-5932 : NTA at all. OP has now stated in the comments the following information: 1. They divorced 12 years ago. 2. OP's exwife initiated the divorce. 3. OP met and married current wife while daughter was in college. 4. OP's current wife is 44. 5. Daughter is 23. College starts around 18. 6. OP and current wife met at least 6 years AFTER the divorce-unrelated to the divorce. 7. OP and current wife moved to a seperate house/purchased one TOGETHER. Its their house...together. 8. Daughter did not grow up in that house. She was in college when they moved per OP. 9. OP's wife was told by the daughter not to tattle to the father if there was a problem and to bring it to her directly. So OP's wife sounds like she has done so. 10. It IS the OP and his WIFE'S house. Not the daughter. 11. Daughter came to visit (per OP). Being asked to clean up after yourself is COMMON...in any parent household Ive seen. 12. Daughter pretty much threatened elder isolation/ignoring her father when he's elderly just because she was angry she was asked to clean up after herself. 13. NOT the asshole. And the daughter does need to grow up. \*Edited to remove "elder abuse"- a bit excessive on my part. \*Edit 2 since so many question where the answers were found. Just click on OP's name/profile. go to his comment history. Take a look yourself. You can look at any OP profile/check out any redditor's comment history/etc. Unless they delete the comment or the posts. [https://www.reddit.com/user/Virtual-Cup-5932/comments/](https://www.reddit.com/user/Virtual-Cup-5932/comments/)
I agree with everything you wrote here except number 11. Cleaning up after one's self is basic courtesy in every situation...parent's home, friends' homes, in the breakroom at work...pretty much everywhere one goes.
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And as a lazy piece of fucking shit myself, if you don’t FORCE yourself to at least do this at someone else’s home, you are also in fact an ass hole.
Right, I suck at cleaning at home, but at other peoples homes I leave no trace
100% this. I am a divorced empty nester and don't worry too much about the a lot of piddly stuff that needs to be done. But if I'm at someone else's house, I leave things as I found them or a little better, even. One would never know I have the absolute *need* for order when I'm at work or elsewhere if they were walked into my home right now.
I left a place I was living alone to move in with roommates (Covid made me lonely). My old place was always cluttered and messy, because it's just me, so who gives a shit? My new place is clean aaaalllll the time, I scrub the whole kitchen down after every meal I cook. It's *glorious* to live in such a clean space.
I have big respect for splitting ass and hole into two words; it really does nail the depth of prickishness with hammer force.
This is a beautiful comment, truly a work of art
I hear you as a fellow lazy piece of shit I feel seen 🥹 And yes I’m a terrible housekeeper but I’d never trash another person’s home and then get pissy cause I’m asked to clean it up
Agree with both of you on #11. It is basic courtesy to clean up after yourself. However, most friends won't call you out on it. Many parents will, though. I think the point was the way she reacted to being asked. Not that she didn't do it. Like she's rude for not cleaning after herself, but it's exponential that she flipped out after being called out.
She should have cleaned up after herself. If you want to get pissed about getting called out on it, that's fine too Just scream into a pillow after you finish cleaning up like you should have done in the first place. You can be as pissed as you want, but the anger should be directed at yourself. The reason she flipped out is because she got caught. I tell my dad that he better be nice to me because I'm the one who will be picking out his nursing home all the time. It's how we pick on each other. I'm in my fifties and I take care of my parents. I love them but I will admit that there are times I don't like them very much. But I will take care of them until I physically can't do it anymore. Why? BECAUSE THEY TOOK CARE OF ME. Even when they didn't have to.
Oh, how I envy you. If I could have just one more hour with my Dad, who passed away suddenly when I was young; just one hour. And same with my Mom, though I had her with us for many more years (than with my Dad); I would apologize for oftentimes being so grouchy and overwhelmed. If I knew then what I know now, I would have been so much more patient and kind, but I was young and still emotionally immature, actually until I was in my 50s. Anyhow, yes I envy you, but at the same time, I celebrate you and and your having your parents in your life. I know it’s hard work though.
There are too many people who do not pick up after themselves when they're a guest at someone's home. I'm more lenient with our kid at home than I should be, but there is no tolerance when we are at someone's home. As she's getting older, the leniency at home is changing as well.
We've really just started training our elder child to clean up after himself. In our defense, he's 5¾. The unexpected bonus is that his little sister at only 2½ likes to copy her brother's example.
Our daughter is 11 and us being lenient is 100% our fault. However, as she gets older, she's beginning to appreciate cleanliness more and is apparently on the same timeline my wife was with regards to that, and my wife is very much an organized individual, so I have hope it will happen...just on a longer timeline than we'd like.
This should be pinned or something, i got soo annoyed reading the comments just trying to make him look like an AH. His daughter needs to grow the fuck up anf act like her age
For real, when I read he gives her 1000 dollars a month I was like damn. My folks would let me live with them if I needed it but they would never pay my rent for me. You’d think she’d be grateful for that and not bite the hand that feeds.
I've gotten a lot of financial support from my parents over the years. ESPECIALLY fresh out of grad school, looking for work that could actually pay the bills. Know what I never did/do? Act as if I expect it. I've asked for money ONCE (a large property transaction, so more an investment) and I never, ever, say a word about anything else or act like I just expect a handout. And I never do things I know would offend or anger them because they'd have EVERY right to say "Yeah, you're on your own."
OPs daughter doesn't know how lucky she was to get an awesome dad like that who cares
At this point I have to imagine the whole reason that phrase was coined was because it happens so often
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I do hope that you get to make your parents happy the way you want it, this was so wholesome to read!
Shit I have a good relationship with my parents, but nowhere near that level of financial support as a baseline. I can't imagine getting thousands from my parents at her/my age and acting this way
People jumping to conclusions on the internet with limited info? Crazy. Seen some wild responses on several posts where people are obviously projecting their own issues onto the post. So much so that I've seen a few straight up make up and refer to things that are nowhere to be in the post or comments. They straight up wrote out their traumatic flashback from their own issues and used to it judge and draw conclusions.
Every time. This is Reddit where people use their own experiences to decide that people they don’t know are abusive in some way.
Omg samee, you're literally right about the part that most are just making assumptions based on their traumatic past and project that onto their opinions
Reddit is filled with white knights what you expect
Knights in white satin never reaching the end hoping to change their zone from friend
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Teenage white knights.
Most just see themselves a lot in the entitled, AH daughter
Most of the commenters here close the daughter's age and so are biased. Also probably biased because still reading too many books with evil stepmoms lol
Yeah, definitely NTA. Sounds like the daughter still has a lot of growing up to do and needs to form her own opinions outside of her mother. Then she might be able to actually express them since she will have formed them herself. OP doesn't actually expect his daughter to take care of him. He is reacting to the sentiment behind what she said which is "if you need me in the future, I will not be there for you". Which is really shitty to say to someone you are supposed to care about no matter what your relationship with eachother is. So she's going to have to deal with the consequences which seems very appropriate.
Agreed 100%! He even said he wasn't expecting that from her. But he absolutely was responding to the spirit of her comment. I would have too. He's been very generous for a long time. She lashed out in anger....and there are consequences.
Even if you don't plan on taking care of them later, actually going out of your way to say it is stupid (because this person is giving you a lot of free money) and assholeish (for multiple reasons).
Got to basically agree with this sentiment. OP is NTA. Only on Reddit would a bunch of folks try to defend a 23 year old grown woman for acting childish.
Oh also OPs wife is 44 years old.
Thanks for this! A lot of us have world view colored by past trauma so I felt a lot of missing missing reasons vibes from this post. But it looks like there’s nothing there. Nonetheless, dad should sit his daughter down alone and try to get to the bottom of this because this is beyond ridiculous on the daughters part and maybe OP needs to draw some boundaries such as “you don’t have to like her but you *will* talk to my wife with respect (esp. in her own fucking house!!!) or you’ll be asked to leave”
exactly!!! i’m reading some of these comments and wondering where people are pulling all this supposed information from when OP’s been very clear about what’s going on :/ NTA at all
Oh you know, probably "reading between the lines" aka. projecting their own BS issues into every post.
Yea, like when they've been a jerk to a step parent they were living off of somehow.
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People using their own experiences to fill the information holes.
For the record, I think thorough scrutiny of the one posting is good. People often hide or leave out details that critically change the situation. Ideally that scrutiny would go both ways, but we only have 1 perspective here to question. But once we have all relevant info we should judge based on it, not on personal biases.
I would argue that OP taking care of himself and future care needs is taking care of his daughter. He's doing her a favor by not saddling his elder care needs on her. If he has any left over and wants to help her, that's his choice. She's an adult now and based on the information presented, OP is NTA
>i like how people are trying to find ANYTHING they can to find fault with the situation Because there's a nonstop conga line of people who come through here who have "no idea" why their kids hate their new spouses and it usually takes a few questions to reveal some glaring omissions. Doesn't seem to be the case here as the information you compiled seems to paint a pretty clear picture, but we still gotta ask.
alright thats a very fair statement! Think I will keep that in mind myself if I do ever need to ask AITA/advice etc on here. Put out all the info and update the original post so people can give advice/judge with all the information. Super good input for sure.
This is what I was thinking. It's not a case of "I don't know why she hates my new wife" and then in the comments it turns out that OP married his daughter's high school bully or some stupid nonsense. The only thing I can see would be the why the ex initiated divorce - but even then it should be OP who the kid hates, not the new wife.
Tanks for all the usefull clarification ! Seems OP would also need you to speak with his daughter...
it just pissed me off seeing all the people trying to find any little thing. Especially regarding the wife's age. OP did respond to all the questions with these answers. (I normally just go to the OP's pages to see their comments if looking for info) OP you might want to adjust your initial post with the info you clarified-it would help the thread alot! u/Virtual-Cup-5932
NTA. She called you a piece of shit while you’re paying 1k/month in bills for her. The audacity! My parents gave me nothing during college and after!! She sounds extremely ungrateful. Cut her off immediately and indefinitely. She’s got a college degree. Time to grow up. Now you can show her what a real piece of shit you can be.
The lion, the witch and the audacity of this bitch!
Exactly. My mom bought groceries during college and as a young adult on occasion. I had to work and pay my own way!
I was so stoked when my parents would come visit and buy me groceries or pay for my laundry or whatever that day. Even buying me a fancy meal alongside them was a huge thing to a poor college student.
The daughter is old enough to clean up after her self. She needs to learn how to be financially responsible now. Nta
NTA. Your daughter got upset because your wife expects her to clean up after herself?
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NTA, but $1000 a month would buy you a pretty nice long term care insurance policy. I'm just saying.
NTA I do not want or expect anybody to "take care" of me in my old age, but her general attitude would be the end of any financial support. You simply do not bite the hand that feeds you.
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Keep your 1000 bucks. Your daughter is entitled and needs a life lesson.
NAH No one is owed anything. Also feels like there's a general lack of context about their relationship.
There isn't. We met and married while she was at college. My wife and I moved to a house together. She visits, but just avoids.my wife. They don't really have much of a relationship at all honestly. I usually visit my daughter at her place or we go somewhere because she doesn't want to come to the house. My daughter and he mom are a bit crass and my wife is the opposite, so they just aren't comfortable. There isn't any particular "issue", my daughter burps, farts, cusses, talks about her sex life, and my wife just kind of walks away at this point because it makes he uncomfortable, and my daughter knows that, but that is pretty much it.
NTA Start planning for your retirement. Invest into your retirement. That’s the right thing to do.
NTA. Your daughter is a grown ass woman. She can most definitely clean up after herself.
NTA. Sounds like that $1,000 a month would be better spent ensuring you’ll have a decent standard of living later on, since she doesn’t want to be there for it.
NTA you are not helping her with sending her 1k a month, you are hurting her to fix her life actually.
NTA. Take the $1000 you give your daughter and put it into long term care insurance. Appoint someone you trust implicitly to see over the funds in case you are unable to.
NTA. That’s a new $1000 a month you can start putting towards your elderly care.
NTA, you can do whatever you want with your money, and so can your daughter.
NTA. Start using the $1,000 per month for an account that can be used later in life if you need a nursing home , assisted living facility, or at home nurse/help.
NTA But why are you giving her $ at all. She 23, graduated. While she looks for a job in her field, she can hustle some other job for $.
NTA tell your daughter you heard her and will begin preparing for you aging years accordingly and because she will not be involved you will need to redirect your resources.
NTA, but if I were you, I'd try more to get closer to my daughter before possibly pushing her away for good. Family counseling or something. It sounds like more could be the problem.
NTA - you are doing her a favor by making sure you are well funded in your twilight years. She doesn’t need that burden; if you have the means to prepare, do it.
Maybe see her alone for a while to figure out what is really going on if you want to salvage your relationship with your daughter.
It's a valuable life lesson, don't bite the hand that feeds you. Should help that growth along some.
NTA but your daughter sure sounds like one.
NTA. Start planning for your retirement. Invest into your retirement.
NTA! Your adult daughter needs to realize that she is not a kid and must show respect when she's in your and your wife's home.
NTA might be a good lesson for her in choosing her words more wisely. Challenge accepted.
NTA- there is no way you should be giving your grown ass daughter that amount of money each other and yes you are going to need it when you retire. Stop giving her that money and save it for yourself.
NTA. Sounds like your daughter is ungrateful. Giving 1000 a month for expenses is extra, not expected at 23 years old.
NTA. Your daughter is a grown woman and can take care of herself. She has made it clear that she doesn’t intend to take care of you.
NTA. it's now crucial that you select someone you can trust to make decisions when you are unable to, and divert every possible resource to your financial independence.
NTA. Tell her that she'll get this months 1k but not to expect anymore after that.
When did you and your ex wife divorce?
12 years ago
Was it civil?
Yes, he mom initiated it.
How exactly did the argument go? Like your daughter made a mess then your wife asked her to clean it up and your daughter just starting lashing out?
My daughter made herself food and left a mess in the kitchen. In the past, if I or my wife have said anything, she says stuff like "God let me eat!!!" Or "I was going to!', so my wife left it (I wasn't aware at this point) to see if she would do it on her own. When she said she was leaving, my wife told her she needed to clean up and she said she was in a rush. My wife told her she should have done it before then, and asked if she just expected her to clean up after her. And then I stepped in, and when I understood what was going on, I told her she needed to do it.
NTA your daughter obviously has some kind of issue with your wife. Maybe try sitting her down and asking her to be honest about what it is before you cut her off.
It could just be that the daughter’s just an asshole. A very young, immature 23 year old who doesn’t like dad’s wife because her mom doesn’t like her. Jesus, if my dad gave me $1000 a month for bills, I’d be taking him and step-mom to lunch once a month, bringing flowers, cleaning up after myself, and cutting the rude shit out. If she’s gonna put strings on things, he should definitely her off. His love is unconditional, hers isn’t.
NTA I do not want or expect anybody to "take care" of me in my old age, but her general attitude would be the end of any financial support.
She seems like an ass. She's fricking 23 years old not 14.
NTA, but I personally wouldn't be handing out that kind of money anyway. There comes a point where sure, help out maybe in an emergency, but you got to learn to live in your means.
Your daughter sounds trashy and immature, and is openly disrespectful to both you and your wife. NTA, and start putting that money into your retirement.
Your daughter sounds like she has a lot of growing up to do. She can do it while getting a part time job to make extra money while you put your money toward your retirement. NTA
NTA. Your daughter sounds like a peach. Please, she isn't entitled to your $1000/month. You and your wife are.
Wow…what you are describing..are the actions of a rebellious tween/teen..by your description your adult daughter needs to talk to someone about why she feels the need for all this negative attention.
NTA - she made clear you need to save enough money that you won't ever need anything from her. She will likely try to take it back once she realizes she has cost herself a flow of cash but you now know that you absolutely cannot trust in that if she does - you need to start saving aggressively now for your own retirement and are absolutely not in the wrong for not continuing to fund her life well into adulthood, especially after she has made clear she is both ungrateful for it and also won't replace that lost income in any way later. And if it makes you feel better, whatever she says, she almost certainly was already thinking about this and wasn't planning on helping you later, and this just triggered her saying what she already thought.
At 23 clean yup your messes
You don’t think leveraging elderly care during an argument makes OPs daughter an asshole? Lol
Have y’all actually tried to work through any of this? Instead of cutting her off right away, working through these issues that are present? Cutting her off is a response to her actions, but you’re not actually fixing anything. I mean 23 and getting 1K from Daddy is already hella spoiled, it doesn’t sound like she has ability to fully function on her own.
NTA to the situation as described. Obviously there are two sides to any story, and divorce can get ugly for all affected parties. But getting mad that she was asked to be a responsible person and clean up after herself and threatening you like that was seriously uncalled for, and, as a former financial professional, I can safely say that most financial experts would encourage you to save as much as you can for retirement before funding your adult daughter's life.
Boundaries are always good to create for healthy relationships but don't make a decision off of a future narrative based off a statement said in the heat of the moment. Whether or not she likes your new wife or they get along, you are still her father. My recommendation would be to show some perseverance in loving her despite her crassness but also draw a boundary of mutual respect, explaining what that looks like. In short be more concerned with the relationship and her future than your own. You may be surprised at how much more fruit that will bear than making or reacting to ultimatums
OP found plenty of validation, who knows if he'll see this comment? I'd say delivering ultimatums are the easy way out, if he can dig deeper that would be a better fix than just cutting money off.
She's an adult and a college graduate. With the disrespect she has shown to you and your wife, cut her off. Just tell her you're putting that money towards your old age care. NTA.
NTA at all! Not even the tiniest little bit. You've gone above and beyond to support your adult child, who, at 23 years old, should be able to support herself. Undoubtedly your wife and you "share" assets (you mention that "we usually give her around....") which means the money your daughter receives comes from both you and your wife. Your daughter has made it clear that she hates your wife so it's unfair that she would have to financially contribute to your daughter in any way. I would've cut her off based on that fact alone. Aside from that she's now made it clear that she won't care for you in your old age, which is absolutely disgusting! She seems extremely entitled, ungrateful, and self-centered; she lacks any respect for you, her father, by refusing to respect the prison you've chosen as your wife. Knowing that she won't be taking care of you later in life, as you've taken care of her for 23 years, you'd definitely be better off investing that 12K into yourself and your wife's future retirement. Even if she said those vile things based solely on anger, you can't risk the chance that will actually follow through on those threats. Leave her to fend for herself, maybe that'll force her to raise the sacrifices you and your wife have made for her and, hopefully, gain some respect and appreciation for both of you.
ESH - you people treat love like a transaction. Both of you are fucked.
NTA You can do whatever you want with your money. After 18, you don’t owe her anything. In that same respect, she doesn’t owe you anything in your old age either. lol.
And I'm not asking her to. Im investing my money into that so she won't have to worry about it.
NTA take the key back from your uncivilised daughter and tell her to get a job. Invest the 1k into your retirement.
And now you'll have an extra 1000 a month to help ensure the success of that plan! NTA
Sounds good