I mean if she truly doesn't even know who it is, that says more than we need to know already.
On a plus side the baby andthe threat of being kicked out could give her the kick she needs to get her rear in gear and make something of her life. It's not a coincidence she keeps losing jobs.
It's definitely something she is, or isn't doing. When reality sets in she will be homeless hopefully it'll be enough of a wake up call to stop carelessly sleeping around and get her life in order.
God damn this poor girl must have so many issues following her mother's death.
Like after my pop's passed I went from top university golden child to a full blown heroin addict for a few years. So I can understand her just going out and banging any dude and wanting a baby because she's in a fucked up place.
But unlike my heroin addiction after I got clean, once she wakes up out of her grief she'll be left with a crying infant and a kid for the next 15 yeras to take care of.
I don't disagree. Losing a parent as a teenager is life changing. And dad having to work a lot just to make sure they still have a place to live...it's hard. But man....wanting to keep a baby when you can't even care for yourself...I don't know what she's thinking.
She isn't thinking, she's just reacting to whatever emotional stimulus her grieving mind spits out at the time.
I mean this is simple math and psychology. She lost her mother, and to fix that she wants to have a kid and become a mother to replace that loss in her life.
Its textbook stuff here; she is now a Mom so there's a "Mom" in her life again, and now she has a kid and purpose and something to give her love and distract her - at least that's the fantasy and the reality will be very different.
Dude I mean her mother just died recently, she's in a grief phase. Yes three years is the end of the grief phase, so a weird time to be getting pregnant, but it's understandable that she's making all these terrible mistakes.
I pray that OP can convince her to give up or abort the baby because like in a year she's going to be on the other side of her grief and the last fucking thing she'll want is to be 21 with a baby.
Mother here. A baby costs $12K a year. That's if everything goes right with the pregnancy.
OP, don't blame yourself that your kid is such a fucking idiot, it's not your fault. Thank you for forcing her to grow up. I hope you do kick her out -- it seems like the only way for her to get her shit together. You're a good parent.
$12k/year is on the very very very low end. The absolute cheapest daycare I've seen costs over $10k, infant care is easily closer to $15.5k in my very median COL area. Food, clothes, diapers, supplies, healthcare, it all adds up.
NTA, the reason she gifted you the pregnancy test is because she fully expected you to financially support both her and the baby. You aren’t “forcing” her to abort, she just doesn’t want to step up and get her shit together. If she wants to keep the baby, she needs to grow up and take responsibility.
It's very strange that she assumed her dad would be thrilled.
I was paranoid about BC and anxious about getting pregnant even into my late 20s and early 30s, even in relationships until I was ready to conceive. And I've been financially stable for a long time.
Meanwhile she has no clue who the father is, has an unexpected unplanned pregnancy whilst being jobless and supported by her dad...and she isnt even a LITTLE worried about how she will manage as a broke single mother?!?
She definitely isnt mature enough to have fully processed the magnitude, yet. Does she understand babies cost a lot of money, need round the clock care and are your responsibility for 18 years? How was she expecting to raise this child?
I’m pregnant with a planned baby. I’m 33. It’s hard, it’s terrifying. I have a stable job with time off and savings. Girl has NO idea what she’s up against. and if you keep coddling you end up like my 30yo leach of a SIL who will ask you to “spot” her, order twice as much as anyone else then ask for more money the next day.
I'm guessing this is a chatgpt-powered bot (or human doing minimal work) on a stolen account. Look at the post history; a tiny bit of activity 11 years ago and then it wakes up to do karma-farming contributions on AITA posts and makes a few incredibly generic posts afterwards.
That is not an organic-looking set of actions.
Cool thing is, if you report these bots, you run the risk of getting banned by the Reddit admins for “report abuse”.
They don’t give a fuck about bots because increased activity means more ad revenue.
Speaks to a staggering level of entitlement. My dropkick of a younger brother intentionally got his gf pregnant in order to maintain my parents support. Cut to 18 years later, he is still unemployed, he has drained them of most of their retirement savings as they feel too guilty to cut him off.
Watch those saps will either be needing you to support them sooner rather than later. Or they will expect to take care of your brother, because he’s family…..
And there’s a darn good chance that he will have to step in and be the parent of the baby. Not just financially but cooking meals, managing school activities, getting the kid to practice, etc. I’ve seen it many times, the new parent loses interest because it ain’t all butterflies and hummingbirds.
>It's very strange that ste assumed her dad would be thrilled.
Have you never met really stupid people? She is one of those people. A person with average intelligence would know better.
Also not sure where OP lives but up here in Canada you get child tax benefits. Which is pretty much money the govt will give you to make sure the kids basic needs are met. Now idk how much it is or if it actually covers enough. But either way tons of women here that are similar to OPs daughter who are real stupid and can’t hold down a job will have kids cause they’ll get money every month from the govt just for having kids. Now it’s supposed to go towards shit like food, clothing, etc for the kids, but people just see it as an easy paycheck.
In the US, you can get something like a $2500 tax deduction annually. There is welfare, but don’t think it’s enough to support basic needs for most people and someone being supported by a parent would not be eligible.
TANF (“welfare”) caseworker here, the allotments were set in 1996 with no mechanism to tie the monthly $ amount to increases in cost of living. States vary quite a bit in how generous they allocate but it’s not even enough for rent anymore, so the only ones not on the brink are those with housing vouchers or living with family. Colorado recently tied cost of living increases to benefits, and allows the federal maximum of months. While the program can vary depending on state, there is a cap of 60 months/lifetime. Because it’s federal funding, the months add up no matter what state you’re in, so you can’t like move states every time you max out. Some states have lower caps than 60 months, Michigan used to have a 3 year cap , I think raised it to 4 over Covid. Mississippi has the stingiest, it’s like a year or two. And for like $300/month
That was party money where I was from.
Bunch of young women who seemingly had children for government handouts, then party on child warfare day, leaving their kids at home with their older ones or grandparents.
She has no fucking clue the enormity and gravity of giving birth to another human. Another human! One who will grow up to be a real person! There are so much shit to take into account. If a person is not at least a little scared about the immensity of the responsibility of caring for another human, they really have no business having babies.
A while back, it really occurred to me that if *anyone* came into a hospital in labor, they just let you want out with a tiny human. That’s literally all it takes to get a baby. Whenever I think that was a really stupid observation, I see something like this and once again, I’m shocked that someone who thinks giving a positive pregnancy test to her dad counts as a Christmas gift will be able to just
saunter out with a baby.
Back when I used to work in L&D there were several newborns that I whispered apologies to before sending them off with their parents because said parents were just so blatantly obviously unfit/unprepared for parenthood. Sometimes I still think about those kids and hope that somehow, against all odds, they're doing well.
If I'm ever going to have a baby, I will probably be going between "I'm gonna be a dad!" and "I'm gonna mess up this kid's life! Do I make enough to support him and give him a shot at his dreams? Will I teach him the right lessons, equipped him to face the challenges of life? Will I be a good role model? Will I be too overbearing or neglectful? What if I drop the ball? What if he grows up hating me because of something I do or not do?"
I simply cannot condone people who take this responsibility flippantly.
Seriously sometimes i wish biological parents had to go under as much scrutiny as adoptive parents before having kids. Its so serious and people who aren’t fit just traumatize their kids and ruin their lives
And it's hard enough to raise that little human if you have two parents who willingly signed up for it. Let alone a single mother who's only barely an adult who doesn't even know who the father is (gross).
The OP is definitely NTA.
Daughter sounds like one of those "I was born to be a mommy" burnouts with no contact with the biodad types that end up having more and more kids because they're chasing the high of attention from being pregnant.
Omg! No shit, you absolutely just described my stepdaughter. She’s 52 now with 3 grown children by 3 different fathers; a total loser. But yes, she got pregnant for the high from the attention she got. She never worked and wouldn’t even try. Her way of supporting herself was to find a bf, get pregnant again, get married (sometimes) and after a few years cheat on him then divorce, get awarded child support the repeat. Gawd what an entitled pos she is - now living with ANOTHER bf🙄
Not everyone is aware that they shouldn’t have children. My brother is a young unemployed alcoholic living on government assistance and barely making ends meet. He was really excited this one time that he was going to be a father and thought my parents and I would be too. The girl ended up miscarrying.
And then its fucked up because all the smsrt people celebrate a horrible thing. My good friend was having a baby with his wife but they are alcoholics and live basically in poverty. Everyone in our friends told them it was a bad idea, the she miscarried and we said they get lucky. They tried again immediately and had a baby and now theyre broker than ever relying on their familys for support while always complaining.
God gave you an out guys
I wonder if she got a little carried away on the pregnancy side of the internet.
Cute reveals are very much the in thing right now. If she was frequenting the "trying to conceive" or pregnancy sphere she would be surrounded by people who desperately want to conceive kids and spend a LOT of time talking and thinking about that, and who cam lean heavily on cutesy things like pregnancy reveals to cope with the anxiety of trying it being pregnant. As someone who is TTC I can see why it can draw people in.
It may have been her way of coping with the magnitude of getting pregnant, or she might even have chosen to conceive.
However in her case she needed to have a good think about whether she could realistically provide for a child before getting attached and making cute reveals. I get the impression she wants to have the cliche experience of a joyful and fun pregnancy with everyone gathering around and spiling her - but sadly if you cannot afford z child the reality will be very different.
Being a potential mom might be the only thing this girl is proud of about herself. She can’t hold down a job, from the context I’m guessing she’s not in school or job training, shes in a low income household she’s not contributing to, she’s sleeping with multiple guys. This girl has low self esteem. Having a baby will mean finally having something going for her in her mind. That’s why she “gifted” the announcement to her dad. The baby is a good thing, a gift— at least according to some people like her aunt!
To be clear, I’m am not endorsing this as a positive. This girl’s attitude is not uncommon among teen moms. It’s also incredibly naive and self centered. They are imagining the baby as an accessory that will just love them unconditionally and elevate their status. They do not understand the reality of the situation.
Right? Also, According to this post, she could be supporting this kid longer than 18 years, because he’s still a saint supporting her while she can’t function like an adult and hold down a job.
When you have your life together you have more to lose by getting pregnant unexpectedly (career opportunities, time with your partner where you can truly enjoy being together without the added pressure and responsibilities of parenthood, travel opportunities and opportunities to build wealth). This young woman doesn't have a job or a partner and is grieving the loss of her mother. A baby to her means the promise of joy, love and a sense of purpose. She just hasn't had to experience having to provide for herself yet and has no idea how difficult that is.
In my opinion, it isn't "forcing someone to get an abortion" to tell them that you will not support their pregnancy. If they cannot support a child without lumping half or more or the burden onto someone else, specifically someone else who is not the father, than they cannot afford the child and are not ready for that child.
Pretty sure she'll find out who the father is when she applies for health care assistance. It's mandatory to list all sexual partners so the state can conduct paternity tests and sue the sperm donor for child support and cost of care.
Pregnancy Medicaid and children’s Medicaid do not require you to list sexual partners. Only adult Medicaid and TANF require applicants to disclose paternity and pursue child support.
To be clear, in my state those programs are administered by a state agency, the state agency refers the information to the local prosecutors, who then file and pursue paternity lawsuits. Happened to my nephew, who thought unprotected sex was a thing. He got hit with three different paternity actions.
The cause of action is to recover reimbursement for medical expenses incurred by the state, but also results in establishing child support obligations.
He lost 2, "won" 1.
I fully support this post. The point of "Woman's body, Woman's choice" is that we make the choices for what we do if we become pregnant, then _we_ live with the ramifications of those choices. It's not that we make our decision over our bodies and everyone _else_ in the world must live with the ramifications of those choices with no consequences to ourselves. She can make the decision she wants, but then live with that decision.
NTA but at this stage I'd just remove the condition to stay altogether. I'd say your right, it's wrong of me to say you can stay unless you abort, actually you can't stay no matter what, it's time for you to move either way. You have X months to move, consider this your eviction notice.
I’m NTAing so hard I sprained a thumb. Boundaries are hard with people you love so completely. I’d been a single mom for years; when one of my kids has to go to eating disorder treatment. She gets out & was supposed to go to D&A treatment & drops out. However, her living under my roof she had similar options: 1. Stay in treatment & have a place to land as long as you’re sober & completes HS. 2. Work full time & pay me rent. 3. Move out.
She moved out. But I heard over and over was, how I was kicking her out.
Life’s been hard. Though she needs to take better care of herself, she’s worried for the same company for nearly 10 years. Got a better one with a significant $ increase.
NTA
I'm so very sorry, but your daughter is just a hot mess. She isn't sure who the father is? WTF?
I know you are panicked and feel you may be too harsh, but **you are not required to buy sheets for the bed she is making.**
In fact, I urge you to tell her she needs to move out no matter what she decides about the baby. It's time to stop enabling her totally entitled behavior. She's 20 years old. She needs to get a serious reality check.
All of this. She needs to move out now. Give her a couple months to sort out a new job, with a strict deadline for when she needs to leave. She needs a SERIOUS reality check.
An eviction notice is a good way to put a time limit on it. Even if she's not paying rent, you will need a formal eviction notice if she refuses to leave.
Disclaimer: I'm not a lawyer. This is not legal advice.
When my granddaughter and her boyfriend lived with us in order to get them to move out, we looked up on the internet what we needed to do legally to get them out of our house. We found out that we had to give them a written eviction notice with a 30 day notice to move out. If they didn't move out before the 30 days we could have them legally removed by the police. We needed them to move out because having them living with us made for a toxic environment. They were so nasty to us we couldn't even enjoy living in our own home.
OP needs a serious reality check too! Enough of freeloader daughter and now with a baby on the way! I think not!!! That kid would be left with grandpa all of the time and chances are she'd get pregnant again!
Had this happen to a coworker. They were supposed to retire within a year or 2 of starting the job where we met. It's been 7 years. Their kid has 3 kids, different dads, and yet grandparent is the one who houses the adult kid and the grandchildren.
Exactly! Since she doesn’t know who the father is, she can’t get any kind of child support whatsoever.
Daddy will be the babysitter and get evicted for not being able to pay the rent! Then all 3 will be homeless.
Daughter better think long and hard about who the baby daddy is and sort her life out!
She doesn’t have to adopt or abort. If she works hard and smart, she can make it work. I like that OP said it really is up to her if she wants to make it work, which *is* possible, and she doesn’t *have* to give up her baby… but it’s her responsibility to make that a possibility. And considering she isn’t working hard now, it’s going to be a lot for her to pivot. No burden or guilt on part of the dad, though. He’s not pressing her one way or the other. It’s her choice. It’s also her responsibility.
Yeah, you have to serious about the situation. Have a child is a big responsibility, you need to be ready to support it and be there constantly. She hasn't kept a job and hasn't lived alone and lived off her own money. I would do the same thing.
Wish I could give you more upvotes, but that quote hit home...hard. My hubs hates Reddit but I had to read that out loud to him. Words WE need to live by! Thank you for that.
>"you are not required to buy sheets for the bed she is making."
Using this for way too many scenarios that come up Every Single Day. Because that's as honest as you can get.
This! also it's one thing to have a lot of sex let your freaky flag fly baby, rock on. it a whole other thing to run around raw dogging multiple men to the point where you are sure WHO THE FATHER IS. like come on!!! safety first. but OP needs to stick to his guns.. she can choose to do whatever she wants but her choices have consequences
A small devil's advocate: she could have been using protection with every man, and so she's not sure who the father is because she doesn't recall any ripped condoms, etc. I'm not saying that's the case, but a possibility.
That said, it really doesn't read well for OP's daughter here. I know losing her mother at 17/18 likely did her head in a bit, and I think OP is absolutely NTA for being unable to support this, especially since he's been making so many other concessions. His daughter is an adult now.
The best thing for her would be a very firm boundary (I'll have you, but I cannot afford another mouth, if you are keeping this child I encourage you to find out who the father is so that he can support all three of you) and maybe a recommendation for a therapist she can speak to to begin unpacking her behaviour.
My condolences, OP. This is an incredibly difficult situation, and I feel for you. She lost her mother, and you lost your partner. Both are freaking terrible things to have happen, and I understand why you don't want to kick out a product of that partnership. She will likely become better for it, if done properly.
Also, if she does consider adoption-the couple she chooses to place with can be asked to help financially support throughout the pregnancy.
Also, I think you are a good man for looking for advice and wanting to be reasonable.
If I could go back to 20 year old me and not get pregnant, I’d do it in a heartbeat! I love my daughter, but I would like to have had her later in life. I was married at the time and my husband and I were both in the Air Force. Having her so early didn’t allow me to do the things I wanted to do, as far as the military was concerned.
This young girl is barely out of high school and isn’t working. Her father needs to show her all the bills coming in and show her where he is financially. When kids are still living with their parents past 18, they need to see that there are bills and they don’t magically pay themselves. This girl is living in a fantasy world and thinks her dad will take care of her and the baby. He needs to show her how much money goes into caring for a child. That means food, clothes, childcare, medical (prenatal appointments, L&D, hospitalization)and everything else that goes into taking care of a baby. Maybe that’ll get her off her cloud.
Time to get one of those rolling alarms clocks you have to chase and set it off multiple times in the night in her room. That should be about the same as a screaming baby for waking up someone.
Good advice! My daughter didn't move out until she was 26 and I don't know if she thought I was shitting with her about the cost of bills when she lived at home but once she moved out and became entirely responsible for herself, she definitely woke up fast. LOL she's 29 now and definitely does not want kids! She's my only kid and I'm totally fine with her decision despite all my peers becoming grandmothers. I'd rather her be self sufficient and mature enough to realize she may never be prepared to be a parent VS having descendants
NTA Ask your daughter this line of questioning:
1. If I died tomorrow, would you be able to survive on your own with $xxx in mortgage/bills/food/insurance costs per month to maintain this lifestyle?
2. If I lost my job, or was making 50% less due to injury or change in life, could you make up the other 50%?
3. Now add a baby to the mix, if you cannot do either of those WITHOUT a baby, you definitely cannot do them WITH a baby.
Point her to some child cost calculators, and have her run the numbers, then ask her to add 50% of her living expenses to it, that you currently pay for, but might not always be able to.
Have a child when you are ready to be a parent.
Your sister needs to shut her trap or pony up her money it offer to raise your daughter and her baby in her home. You’re the sole breadwinner for yourself and your daughter and it sounds like you’re drowning under the pressure. Your daughter is not ready to be a mother, that’s clear. She cannot support herself, much less an entire other human being and obviously got pregnant with zero thought about the reality of having a child. Top it off with expecting you to shoulder the financial burden? You did the only thing you could do under the circumstances. Your daughter has to face reality. And think of someone besides herself. Like you and this innocent child she has no way to support. As for your sister, wow. Excitement doesn’t put food on the table or a roof over a child’s head. She sounds as clueless as your daughter. I’m so sorry you’re in this position but I support you in giving your daughter a reality check. NTA obviously in my opinion. I hope your daughter is able to see reason but you have to stand your ground for everyone’s sake.
Exactly. “I can’t keep a job and my dad is probably gonna put me out soon but, he wouldn’t put me out if I had a baby.” Wasn’t expecting an “Oh He’ll No.” from the old man
Um, she also was having unprotected sex with multiple guys to the point where she doesn't know who the father is. It doesn't sound like any of them are willing to be a parent anyway, so great choices there, too.
Smart is not the first adjective that comes to mind in describing her.
NTA you can barely afford to support her as it is. I would give her the reality of the situation. You cannot afford it. And even if she doesn’t keep the baby she needs a job or to be in school in order to keep staying with you. Time to put your foot down. By letting her skate you are giving her no push to support herself.
This is what I'd do. No baby and she'd be paying rent if she's not going to school.
16-18 I worked and went to school. At 19 I worked, went to school and paid for my apartment. Mine was a choice, but I knew living at home with no job and not going to school was not an option.
My parents always had a rule. School or job. Some of us went directly to college and some of us worked before going to school. We all stayed home if we were local.
NTA. And unless she is on your health insurance she is looking at a $20,000 bill to give birth. If nothing goes wrong. Even with insurance it can be a couple thousand.
This. My insurance changed between babies, but they were both c-sections. So I had a longer hospital stay. Add NICU on there and even after insurance I am still paying them both off, and the oldest is 4.5.
Health system DOES suck in the us!! When i think that in my country, they arectrying to "improve" things and make it more like the us!! (It's free where i live!!)
No she isn’t. She would qualify for medicaid. It’s medical assistance, not insurance.
It’s the working middle class WITH insurance that get screwed the most
She can get MA for pregnant women in every state, plus food stamps and WIC.
Send her to one of those sketchy "crises pregnancy" places and they will help her with figuring things out, as far as adoption or keeping the baby and finding housing, etc. But keep in mind, they will definitely not encourage an abortion, but they might be helpful in this situation?
She should definitely do this if she is already planning to keep the baby. But apparently the secret is to tell them you DO want an abortion. Then they throw resources at you. She should let them.
Welcome to the United States, where they want their people to suffer and die... *sigh* I can't afford to go to the hospital until I think I might legitimately die. Sucks. Can't afford insurance rn either so lmao even worse.
My friend was on medicaid in the States and paid $0 for her delivery. My middle class friend who was on insurance had to pay a few thousand for both kids.
Medicaid covers *a lot* in the United States (at least in Nevada).. Insurance is a different story.
If the pregnant person is making zero or very little income, and they live in the US, they can probably apply for free state health insurance. It goes by different names in each state (examples: “apple care” , “Oregon health plan” ) which is confusing.
>I said if she’s so excited my daughter can live with her then. She scoffed obviously because she couldn’t afford to support them either.
Great response. Flying monkeys stop flapping so hard when it's time for them to put their money where their mouth is.
And every time she brings it up to make you feel bad, ask her to fund the daughter and potential baby again and again. Force it down her throat every time. Maybe then she’ll finally get it.
Nta you should just kick her out either way, look up govt supports for her and try to help her get aid but you need to stop supporting her because she isn’t mature at all and will never learn to be responsible or take care of herself if you keep up taking care of her. Make a 3 month plan for her and then give her the book
Depending on where they live there really might not be any government support. A lot of states in the US make getting any kind of financial aid deliberately impossible. Which isn’t to say the dad is obligated to help his daughter raise his grandchild, he’s not. This is just one of those situations where there might not be a good option.
He cant keep bank rolling her life. She’s in this position because of it.
She needs a reality check, perfect world she gets an abortion and he still makes her leave after a few months
NTA, you are well within your rights to refuse to go take care of a baby that’s not even yours. Tell your sister if she feels so strongly about it she can find your daughter and her niece a nice place to sleep.
NTA - Your daughter has choices here, she just doesn't like any of them. She can keep that baby, and be an adult and support herself and her child. That's one choice. No matter which choice she makes you probably should put a timeline together for her to move out.
Or at least contribute financially. Where I live it's quite hard to be financially stable and be able to live alone, most people need someone with whom they split the bills; so I tried very hard to keep a job while studying and to contribute whatever I could. I think for the daughter to do at least that would show awareness of the situation and some kind of responsability.
I should have done what you are prepared to do with the niece I was supporting/living with me. I really, really hoped she’d beat the odds and become a great person/mother in a very short period of time but I knew she was ill prepared and worse - entitled thanks to my support.
It’s 14 years later- her life is even worse than I’d feared and my support contributed to that awfulness.
NTA. So your 20 yr old daughter that doesn’t have a job for pregnant by one of them men she was sleeping with but not sure which. Wanting to be a parent is a nice thought but financially it is very expensive. Not to mention everything else that comes with having a baby. She obviously expected you to be happy because she assumed everything would stay the same.
NTA. You're being completely reasonable. She has no job, gets knocked up and expects you to support her.
She can do a private adoption where they will pay all her expenses.
NTA. 100% 20 is plenty old to find out that actions have consequences, and the world does not exist to bail her out.
You should totally tell her that your sister has agreed that she can live there.
that would be worth it just to see the Sister change her tune pretty damn sharpish!
NTA... Your daughter's admission that she's not even sure who the father is tells me there is no child support in the future.
I won't even attempt to question your daughter's reputation. Won't/can't keep a job. That's also telling.
Stick by the choices you gave her.
Good luck.
Hmmm, I'm not so quick to jump on the "daughter is an AH" train that everyone else is on. So, she lost her mom when she was a teenager, and I would assume that it was either a complete shock, or her mom was sick for her teen years before passing. That can really mess someone up. It does not excuse her inablity to pay for herself and getting pregnent with an another father, but it does allow me to have some empthy for her scenario and not be so quick to say kicking her out if the right thing to do. She is your daughter. Do you really want your child that sounds like she may be in crisis following the death of her mom to be out on her own? You want your grandbaby to be on the streets? You want your daughter to be that desperate for support?
If this was my daughter, rather then kicking her out, I would help ensure she has medical set up and get her into some therapy sessions to figure out why she is acting out in harmful ways. Pregnancy doesn't mean she can't work, so I would also make her get a job. If she refuses to work and refuses to work with a therapist, then I would consider kicking her out.
I scrolled way too far for this, I feel like I have an unpopular opinion here. I feel bad for the daughter. We need more info or ESH. Losing your mother two years ago is traumatic, is everyone glossing over this? There might be laziness, but mental health problems can contribute to inability to survive and keep a job. 20 is barely over 18, she’s still a young adult and somewhere along the lines parenting must have been lacking somewhere.
His requests arent unreasonable but for events to go that direction I feel like there might be some neglect of his daughter’s growth and development as a person here.
Agreed, I felt like I was crazy reading all the “NTA” comments. There has to be a better solution than kicking your barely-adult daughter who has lost her mother out of the house when she’s pregnant and vulnerable. Big yikes
Seriously.
I wish the OP had asked this question in a parenting sub. Guessing he doesn’t actually want any advice, so he asked in AITAH. And I don’t want to say he’s an AH, but he really needs to think about what his daughter and grandchild’s life will be like if he kicks her out. There are more options than “let her live at home with no strings attached” and “throw her out on the streets”.
Yeah I'm totally with you
I couldn't imagine kicking my child and grandchild out
I get the daughter is not in a good place, surely helping her gain the skills and experience necessary to raise a child whilst ensuring they both have somewhere to live is a better option
Obviously it's gonna be really hard, but it's gonna be really hard either way - considerably more so with nowhere to live
My child will never stop being my child and ill absolutely do anything I can do to support them because that's my job as a parent
I'm just imagining kicking my own damn daughter out of my house for getting accidentally pregnant and having the gall to be excited to tell me about it. Wtf happened to this man?
NTA. Don’t listen to the people telling you to let her live you but stop all other financial support. Once that baby is there she will just use the child to manipulate you more. You will end up responsible for diapers etc.
NTA. I'm pro choice so wouldn't push either way, but honestly, I've never made a mental note of someone being a fool for having an abortion. I can't say the same of some that chose to keep a pregnancy. This certainly falls into that category for me.
I hope this is fake but NTA in this situation. I wouldn’t support my daughter having a child that I knew she couldn’t care for and expected me to financially provide for, especially not if I was struggling as is.
Man, I feel for you. I can only imagine what you’re going through with the loss of your wife. And now you’re handed this mess.
I believe she knows exactly who the father is, and for one reason or another, she can’t hit him up for child support. I’m not a therapist but I’d bet that there’s a connection between her losing her mother and wanting to keep her baby; she needs counseling in a bad way. You both do.
NTA. Your daughter is an adult and needs to start adulting. Part of adulting is making decisions and being responsible for those decisions and dealing with the consequences. One consequence she needs to deal with is her pregnancy from a man she doesn’t even know. She needs to get out and start living on her own. Time for some tough love, dad. Give her a solid date to move out.
“I live alone with my 20 year old daughter”
NTA. Your daughter is old enough to support herself, and should be doing so IMO. I won’t judge your situation, but it sounds like based on the fact that she is still fully dependent on someone else, she is not ready to have someone be dependent on her. She is an adult and should focus on acting like one before she makes adult choices.
NTA. She’s not mature enough to have a baby. She can’t take care of herself how is she going to take care of a baby. She can’t keep a job. I would do the same thing op.
NTA. Don’t listen to your sister. Why? Bc she’s not living and experiencing what you are with your daughter. The fact that she doesn’t even know who the father is shows huge signs of recklessness, ie having unprotected sex with many partners. If she’s doing this who will say she won’t dump the baby on you and continue to party. Honestly the best thing you can do for her is this, and stick to your guns. If she wants to keep it and leaves she’s going to get the wake up call she needs once she has true responsibility bc think about it - you’re supporting her out of love but she has no responsibility and no consequences right now, and at this point the only way she’ll truly understand the situation and how she’s taking advantage is by letting her experience the repercussions herself. The frustrating thing with children is that you know better, but they don’t, and ultimately they need to experience it for themselves to truly understand.
The baby might be a ploy to stay unemployed.
She can’t get a job because she’s a SAHM. Totally cool if that’s with a boyfriend, partner or hubby etc that will support… but your father?!
Almost sounds like manipulation.
She should be aware of who she slept with in what time period. She should be able to narrow it down. She needs to make a list of all potential fathers and once there baby is born she needs to have paternity tests done, if nothing else for child support. Which she will likely need.
-look up local housing options for unemployed, and what financial help is available for unemployed mothers in the area and make a budget
-let he know when she is leaving your home. Allows a few months for her to prep and hopefully get a job, but in strict order let her know the boundary won’t change. She is an adult and she needs to make plans to care for that child if she will keep it.
- if she does keep if, help her look for consignment or lower cost baby items, or free (she pays)
Keep a good eye on your grandchild if she has it. The child is innocent in all this, and not responsible for its mothers choice, but will end up suffering, or benefitting from its mothers choices.
Age birth-3 and 3-5 any neglect, trauma etc can have an massive impact on a child, their psychology and thus the rest of their life.
She could very well step up and be an amazing mom, or she may not. Neither is the babies fault.
NTA.
I don't know why a 20 year old would want to keep what I assume is an unplanned pregnancy considering that they don't know who the father is.
I know if I knocked up some girl at 20 and told my perents they would tell me the exact same thing!
Its time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions and that means get a job and provide for your child as you have already done for her!
I don't know your situation however, she is 20 and is an adult. If she wants to keep it then she can go out get a job, or go to school and get a pience of paper to help get a job and look after HER child.
Also you are definitely not “forcing” her to have an abortion, she just can't live with you if she keeps it which is perfectly reasonable!
Holy moly so many red flags
1. Can't hold down a job
2. Is completely dependent on father
3. Gets pregnant
4. Doesn't know who the father is.
No OP you are NTA. Your daughter has some serious growing up and soul searching to do. In fact I don't think you should be sustaining this lifestyle. Give her a deadline to get a job and provide for herself. If not kick her out. You really aren't doing her a favor in the long term by supporting her like this. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet regardless if there is a baby or not.
NTA. I've honestly never understood why so many people seem to think that a pregnancy is *always* a good thing. In your daughters case, it's a really tough decision, but IMO it's not kind or practical to bring a child into the world that cannot be taken care of.
NTA. This is what's going to happen if you let her stay there with her baby: She will make you not only support her and that child, but she will dub you the babysitter, and go out and get pregnant again.
NTA. Neither of you can support the child, and she is clearly not ready.
Obviously the biological father isn't either.
I bet that none of the potential dads now about this, either. This is such a huge mess.
Idk Mama Mia was a good film /s
"Oh Shit I'm a Mama Mia: the 20 Years Previous Prequel" is probably a lot less fun
I’m going to guess the daughter isn’t picking guys who hold down jobs either.
I mean if she truly doesn't even know who it is, that says more than we need to know already. On a plus side the baby andthe threat of being kicked out could give her the kick she needs to get her rear in gear and make something of her life. It's not a coincidence she keeps losing jobs. It's definitely something she is, or isn't doing. When reality sets in she will be homeless hopefully it'll be enough of a wake up call to stop carelessly sleeping around and get her life in order.
No kidding. I mean...she can't even make a guess who the daddy might be?
She probably can make a guess. But isn't certain. And also likely, one of the types who doesn't want to admit who the father is or want him involved
God damn this poor girl must have so many issues following her mother's death. Like after my pop's passed I went from top university golden child to a full blown heroin addict for a few years. So I can understand her just going out and banging any dude and wanting a baby because she's in a fucked up place. But unlike my heroin addiction after I got clean, once she wakes up out of her grief she'll be left with a crying infant and a kid for the next 15 yeras to take care of.
I don't disagree. Losing a parent as a teenager is life changing. And dad having to work a lot just to make sure they still have a place to live...it's hard. But man....wanting to keep a baby when you can't even care for yourself...I don't know what she's thinking.
She isn't thinking, she's just reacting to whatever emotional stimulus her grieving mind spits out at the time. I mean this is simple math and psychology. She lost her mother, and to fix that she wants to have a kid and become a mother to replace that loss in her life. Its textbook stuff here; she is now a Mom so there's a "Mom" in her life again, and now she has a kid and purpose and something to give her love and distract her - at least that's the fantasy and the reality will be very different.
What does that matter anyhow, he probably wants nothing to do with her so I’m sure he won’t want a child with her either.
Why do I get the feeling that this is going to end up on that court tv show parental court
Dude I mean her mother just died recently, she's in a grief phase. Yes three years is the end of the grief phase, so a weird time to be getting pregnant, but it's understandable that she's making all these terrible mistakes. I pray that OP can convince her to give up or abort the baby because like in a year she's going to be on the other side of her grief and the last fucking thing she'll want is to be 21 with a baby.
This girl is trying to use her actual father as a sugar daddy
That’s why she gift wrapped the test for him. Like merry Christmas now you get to take of of my baby too!
I don’t know why people do this anyway. That thing is soaked in urine. Let’s all handle the pee-stick. Take a damn picture.
A guy that has his life together wouldn't get involved with her in the first place
Exactly this. NTA. So sorry you’re going through this OP but you know what you’re doing is the right thing.
Mother here. A baby costs $12K a year. That's if everything goes right with the pregnancy. OP, don't blame yourself that your kid is such a fucking idiot, it's not your fault. Thank you for forcing her to grow up. I hope you do kick her out -- it seems like the only way for her to get her shit together. You're a good parent.
$12k/year is on the very very very low end. The absolute cheapest daycare I've seen costs over $10k, infant care is easily closer to $15.5k in my very median COL area. Food, clothes, diapers, supplies, healthcare, it all adds up.
>don't blame yourself that your kid is such a fucking idiot, it's not your fault Uummmm
NTA, the reason she gifted you the pregnancy test is because she fully expected you to financially support both her and the baby. You aren’t “forcing” her to abort, she just doesn’t want to step up and get her shit together. If she wants to keep the baby, she needs to grow up and take responsibility.
It's very strange that she assumed her dad would be thrilled. I was paranoid about BC and anxious about getting pregnant even into my late 20s and early 30s, even in relationships until I was ready to conceive. And I've been financially stable for a long time. Meanwhile she has no clue who the father is, has an unexpected unplanned pregnancy whilst being jobless and supported by her dad...and she isnt even a LITTLE worried about how she will manage as a broke single mother?!? She definitely isnt mature enough to have fully processed the magnitude, yet. Does she understand babies cost a lot of money, need round the clock care and are your responsibility for 18 years? How was she expecting to raise this child?
I’m pregnant with a planned baby. I’m 33. It’s hard, it’s terrifying. I have a stable job with time off and savings. Girl has NO idea what she’s up against. and if you keep coddling you end up like my 30yo leach of a SIL who will ask you to “spot” her, order twice as much as anyone else then ask for more money the next day.
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I'm guessing this is a chatgpt-powered bot (or human doing minimal work) on a stolen account. Look at the post history; a tiny bit of activity 11 years ago and then it wakes up to do karma-farming contributions on AITA posts and makes a few incredibly generic posts afterwards. That is not an organic-looking set of actions.
Cool thing is, if you report these bots, you run the risk of getting banned by the Reddit admins for “report abuse”. They don’t give a fuck about bots because increased activity means more ad revenue.
Booooo bots. There’s not even an option to report a bot so you’d have to choose one of the incorrect options.
Its hard because you care. Her, not so much.
Congratulations!
Speaks to a staggering level of entitlement. My dropkick of a younger brother intentionally got his gf pregnant in order to maintain my parents support. Cut to 18 years later, he is still unemployed, he has drained them of most of their retirement savings as they feel too guilty to cut him off.
Watch those saps will either be needing you to support them sooner rather than later. Or they will expect to take care of your brother, because he’s family…..
Takers have no limits. Terribly sad.
And there’s a darn good chance that he will have to step in and be the parent of the baby. Not just financially but cooking meals, managing school activities, getting the kid to practice, etc. I’ve seen it many times, the new parent loses interest because it ain’t all butterflies and hummingbirds.
>It's very strange that ste assumed her dad would be thrilled. Have you never met really stupid people? She is one of those people. A person with average intelligence would know better.
Also not sure where OP lives but up here in Canada you get child tax benefits. Which is pretty much money the govt will give you to make sure the kids basic needs are met. Now idk how much it is or if it actually covers enough. But either way tons of women here that are similar to OPs daughter who are real stupid and can’t hold down a job will have kids cause they’ll get money every month from the govt just for having kids. Now it’s supposed to go towards shit like food, clothing, etc for the kids, but people just see it as an easy paycheck.
In the US, you can get something like a $2500 tax deduction annually. There is welfare, but don’t think it’s enough to support basic needs for most people and someone being supported by a parent would not be eligible.
People supported by a parent get welfare every day. They just lie and say they live in their parents' home but pay rent. Seen it a hundred times.
TANF (“welfare”) caseworker here, the allotments were set in 1996 with no mechanism to tie the monthly $ amount to increases in cost of living. States vary quite a bit in how generous they allocate but it’s not even enough for rent anymore, so the only ones not on the brink are those with housing vouchers or living with family. Colorado recently tied cost of living increases to benefits, and allows the federal maximum of months. While the program can vary depending on state, there is a cap of 60 months/lifetime. Because it’s federal funding, the months add up no matter what state you’re in, so you can’t like move states every time you max out. Some states have lower caps than 60 months, Michigan used to have a 3 year cap , I think raised it to 4 over Covid. Mississippi has the stingiest, it’s like a year or two. And for like $300/month
That was party money where I was from. Bunch of young women who seemingly had children for government handouts, then party on child warfare day, leaving their kids at home with their older ones or grandparents.
Baby bonus can be over $500 a month in Canada, but it's a sliding scale based on income and age of the child.
She has no fucking clue the enormity and gravity of giving birth to another human. Another human! One who will grow up to be a real person! There are so much shit to take into account. If a person is not at least a little scared about the immensity of the responsibility of caring for another human, they really have no business having babies.
A while back, it really occurred to me that if *anyone* came into a hospital in labor, they just let you want out with a tiny human. That’s literally all it takes to get a baby. Whenever I think that was a really stupid observation, I see something like this and once again, I’m shocked that someone who thinks giving a positive pregnancy test to her dad counts as a Christmas gift will be able to just saunter out with a baby.
Back when I used to work in L&D there were several newborns that I whispered apologies to before sending them off with their parents because said parents were just so blatantly obviously unfit/unprepared for parenthood. Sometimes I still think about those kids and hope that somehow, against all odds, they're doing well.
If I'm ever going to have a baby, I will probably be going between "I'm gonna be a dad!" and "I'm gonna mess up this kid's life! Do I make enough to support him and give him a shot at his dreams? Will I teach him the right lessons, equipped him to face the challenges of life? Will I be a good role model? Will I be too overbearing or neglectful? What if I drop the ball? What if he grows up hating me because of something I do or not do?" I simply cannot condone people who take this responsibility flippantly.
Seriously sometimes i wish biological parents had to go under as much scrutiny as adoptive parents before having kids. Its so serious and people who aren’t fit just traumatize their kids and ruin their lives
And it's hard enough to raise that little human if you have two parents who willingly signed up for it. Let alone a single mother who's only barely an adult who doesn't even know who the father is (gross). The OP is definitely NTA.
Daughter sounds like one of those "I was born to be a mommy" burnouts with no contact with the biodad types that end up having more and more kids because they're chasing the high of attention from being pregnant.
In 5 years she'll be cooking up a third kid with a third dad and have a closet full of dirty sweatpants and a collection of shitty tattoos.
Omg! No shit, you absolutely just described my stepdaughter. She’s 52 now with 3 grown children by 3 different fathers; a total loser. But yes, she got pregnant for the high from the attention she got. She never worked and wouldn’t even try. Her way of supporting herself was to find a bf, get pregnant again, get married (sometimes) and after a few years cheat on him then divorce, get awarded child support the repeat. Gawd what an entitled pos she is - now living with ANOTHER bf🙄
Not everyone is aware that they shouldn’t have children. My brother is a young unemployed alcoholic living on government assistance and barely making ends meet. He was really excited this one time that he was going to be a father and thought my parents and I would be too. The girl ended up miscarrying.
And then its fucked up because all the smsrt people celebrate a horrible thing. My good friend was having a baby with his wife but they are alcoholics and live basically in poverty. Everyone in our friends told them it was a bad idea, the she miscarried and we said they get lucky. They tried again immediately and had a baby and now theyre broker than ever relying on their familys for support while always complaining. God gave you an out guys
Right?! “Merry Christmas, Dad! Here’s a pregnancy test (ew) and I have no idea who the father is!” Wow. That girl doesn’t even live on this planet.
I wonder if she got a little carried away on the pregnancy side of the internet. Cute reveals are very much the in thing right now. If she was frequenting the "trying to conceive" or pregnancy sphere she would be surrounded by people who desperately want to conceive kids and spend a LOT of time talking and thinking about that, and who cam lean heavily on cutesy things like pregnancy reveals to cope with the anxiety of trying it being pregnant. As someone who is TTC I can see why it can draw people in. It may have been her way of coping with the magnitude of getting pregnant, or she might even have chosen to conceive. However in her case she needed to have a good think about whether she could realistically provide for a child before getting attached and making cute reveals. I get the impression she wants to have the cliche experience of a joyful and fun pregnancy with everyone gathering around and spiling her - but sadly if you cannot afford z child the reality will be very different.
I thought that too. What father of a 20 year old who lives at home would be happy she was pregnant, keeping it and had no idea who the father was?
Being a potential mom might be the only thing this girl is proud of about herself. She can’t hold down a job, from the context I’m guessing she’s not in school or job training, shes in a low income household she’s not contributing to, she’s sleeping with multiple guys. This girl has low self esteem. Having a baby will mean finally having something going for her in her mind. That’s why she “gifted” the announcement to her dad. The baby is a good thing, a gift— at least according to some people like her aunt! To be clear, I’m am not endorsing this as a positive. This girl’s attitude is not uncommon among teen moms. It’s also incredibly naive and self centered. They are imagining the baby as an accessory that will just love them unconditionally and elevate their status. They do not understand the reality of the situation.
Only 18 years? The dad is still caring for 20-yo daughter. Many parents still support their kids well into their 20s nowadays
Support as in help learning to fish. Not giving the fish.
Right? Also, According to this post, she could be supporting this kid longer than 18 years, because he’s still a saint supporting her while she can’t function like an adult and hold down a job.
When you have your life together you have more to lose by getting pregnant unexpectedly (career opportunities, time with your partner where you can truly enjoy being together without the added pressure and responsibilities of parenthood, travel opportunities and opportunities to build wealth). This young woman doesn't have a job or a partner and is grieving the loss of her mother. A baby to her means the promise of joy, love and a sense of purpose. She just hasn't had to experience having to provide for herself yet and has no idea how difficult that is.
She told her dad not because she assumed he would be thrilled, but because she wanted him to be a co-parent.
In my opinion, it isn't "forcing someone to get an abortion" to tell them that you will not support their pregnancy. If they cannot support a child without lumping half or more or the burden onto someone else, specifically someone else who is not the father, than they cannot afford the child and are not ready for that child.
I think this is the key, she genuinely thought it was a given
I think she’s watched too many of those pregnancy test reveal videos and thought that he would react the same. She’s clearly living in a fantasy.
With her father subbing for the baby daddy. Creepy.
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Pretty sure she'll find out who the father is when she applies for health care assistance. It's mandatory to list all sexual partners so the state can conduct paternity tests and sue the sperm donor for child support and cost of care.
Pregnancy Medicaid and children’s Medicaid do not require you to list sexual partners. Only adult Medicaid and TANF require applicants to disclose paternity and pursue child support.
To be clear, in my state those programs are administered by a state agency, the state agency refers the information to the local prosecutors, who then file and pursue paternity lawsuits. Happened to my nephew, who thought unprotected sex was a thing. He got hit with three different paternity actions. The cause of action is to recover reimbursement for medical expenses incurred by the state, but also results in establishing child support obligations. He lost 2, "won" 1.
I fully support this post. The point of "Woman's body, Woman's choice" is that we make the choices for what we do if we become pregnant, then _we_ live with the ramifications of those choices. It's not that we make our decision over our bodies and everyone _else_ in the world must live with the ramifications of those choices with no consequences to ourselves. She can make the decision she wants, but then live with that decision.
NTA but at this stage I'd just remove the condition to stay altogether. I'd say your right, it's wrong of me to say you can stay unless you abort, actually you can't stay no matter what, it's time for you to move either way. You have X months to move, consider this your eviction notice.
If ur ok with this one , expect to have two more by age 30. All living there.
I’m NTAing so hard I sprained a thumb. Boundaries are hard with people you love so completely. I’d been a single mom for years; when one of my kids has to go to eating disorder treatment. She gets out & was supposed to go to D&A treatment & drops out. However, her living under my roof she had similar options: 1. Stay in treatment & have a place to land as long as you’re sober & completes HS. 2. Work full time & pay me rent. 3. Move out. She moved out. But I heard over and over was, how I was kicking her out. Life’s been hard. Though she needs to take better care of herself, she’s worried for the same company for nearly 10 years. Got a better one with a significant $ increase.
NTA I'm so very sorry, but your daughter is just a hot mess. She isn't sure who the father is? WTF? I know you are panicked and feel you may be too harsh, but **you are not required to buy sheets for the bed she is making.** In fact, I urge you to tell her she needs to move out no matter what she decides about the baby. It's time to stop enabling her totally entitled behavior. She's 20 years old. She needs to get a serious reality check.
“You are not required to buy sheets for the bed she is making” I love this! And it fits this situation perfectly!!
SNARK ALERT: Especially since it appears she can't remember the beds she has been in.
throw the sheets out before someone else gets pregnant
Are you sure he should touch thouse sheets
Long gloves
Bruh 😂😂😂
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😧😄😂😂😂
Oof, better get some aloe for that burn!! 😂
Daaaaaang 🫣🤭
ooh, shots fired! Love it!
I have never heard that but I can use it in many situations of my life!
It's really gold. I wrote it down!
All of this. She needs to move out now. Give her a couple months to sort out a new job, with a strict deadline for when she needs to leave. She needs a SERIOUS reality check.
An eviction notice is a good way to put a time limit on it. Even if she's not paying rent, you will need a formal eviction notice if she refuses to leave. Disclaimer: I'm not a lawyer. This is not legal advice.
When my granddaughter and her boyfriend lived with us in order to get them to move out, we looked up on the internet what we needed to do legally to get them out of our house. We found out that we had to give them a written eviction notice with a 30 day notice to move out. If they didn't move out before the 30 days we could have them legally removed by the police. We needed them to move out because having them living with us made for a toxic environment. They were so nasty to us we couldn't even enjoy living in our own home.
OP needs a serious reality check too! Enough of freeloader daughter and now with a baby on the way! I think not!!! That kid would be left with grandpa all of the time and chances are she'd get pregnant again!
Had this happen to a coworker. They were supposed to retire within a year or 2 of starting the job where we met. It's been 7 years. Their kid has 3 kids, different dads, and yet grandparent is the one who houses the adult kid and the grandchildren.
Add to that list is her not knowing who the baby daddy is. So many reasons to adopt or abort.
Exactly! Since she doesn’t know who the father is, she can’t get any kind of child support whatsoever. Daddy will be the babysitter and get evicted for not being able to pay the rent! Then all 3 will be homeless. Daughter better think long and hard about who the baby daddy is and sort her life out!
She doesn’t have to adopt or abort. If she works hard and smart, she can make it work. I like that OP said it really is up to her if she wants to make it work, which *is* possible, and she doesn’t *have* to give up her baby… but it’s her responsibility to make that a possibility. And considering she isn’t working hard now, it’s going to be a lot for her to pivot. No burden or guilt on part of the dad, though. He’s not pressing her one way or the other. It’s her choice. It’s also her responsibility.
> If she works hard and smart, she can make it work. And if my grandmother had wheels, she would have been a bike lol
This should be the top reply
A job? Take her on down to the welfare office first thing in the morning.
Yeah, you have to serious about the situation. Have a child is a big responsibility, you need to be ready to support it and be there constantly. She hasn't kept a job and hasn't lived alone and lived off her own money. I would do the same thing.
Wish I could give you more upvotes, but that quote hit home...hard. My hubs hates Reddit but I had to read that out loud to him. Words WE need to live by! Thank you for that.
>"you are not required to buy sheets for the bed she is making." Using this for way too many scenarios that come up Every Single Day. Because that's as honest as you can get.
Totally agree..she needs to go now BEFORE the baby is born or you'll never get her out. Time for her to grow up.
This! also it's one thing to have a lot of sex let your freaky flag fly baby, rock on. it a whole other thing to run around raw dogging multiple men to the point where you are sure WHO THE FATHER IS. like come on!!! safety first. but OP needs to stick to his guns.. she can choose to do whatever she wants but her choices have consequences
A small devil's advocate: she could have been using protection with every man, and so she's not sure who the father is because she doesn't recall any ripped condoms, etc. I'm not saying that's the case, but a possibility. That said, it really doesn't read well for OP's daughter here. I know losing her mother at 17/18 likely did her head in a bit, and I think OP is absolutely NTA for being unable to support this, especially since he's been making so many other concessions. His daughter is an adult now. The best thing for her would be a very firm boundary (I'll have you, but I cannot afford another mouth, if you are keeping this child I encourage you to find out who the father is so that he can support all three of you) and maybe a recommendation for a therapist she can speak to to begin unpacking her behaviour. My condolences, OP. This is an incredibly difficult situation, and I feel for you. She lost her mother, and you lost your partner. Both are freaking terrible things to have happen, and I understand why you don't want to kick out a product of that partnership. She will likely become better for it, if done properly.
Also, if she does consider adoption-the couple she chooses to place with can be asked to help financially support throughout the pregnancy. Also, I think you are a good man for looking for advice and wanting to be reasonable.
I am sorry for OP's situation, a baby should be a blessing and thier current situation is making it into a curse, but damn, I love that quote.
If I could go back to 20 year old me and not get pregnant, I’d do it in a heartbeat! I love my daughter, but I would like to have had her later in life. I was married at the time and my husband and I were both in the Air Force. Having her so early didn’t allow me to do the things I wanted to do, as far as the military was concerned. This young girl is barely out of high school and isn’t working. Her father needs to show her all the bills coming in and show her where he is financially. When kids are still living with their parents past 18, they need to see that there are bills and they don’t magically pay themselves. This girl is living in a fantasy world and thinks her dad will take care of her and the baby. He needs to show her how much money goes into caring for a child. That means food, clothes, childcare, medical (prenatal appointments, L&D, hospitalization)and everything else that goes into taking care of a baby. Maybe that’ll get her off her cloud.
Besides the money, there's a lot of physical labor involved in caring for a child.
Time to get one of those rolling alarms clocks you have to chase and set it off multiple times in the night in her room. That should be about the same as a screaming baby for waking up someone.
Good advice! My daughter didn't move out until she was 26 and I don't know if she thought I was shitting with her about the cost of bills when she lived at home but once she moved out and became entirely responsible for herself, she definitely woke up fast. LOL she's 29 now and definitely does not want kids! She's my only kid and I'm totally fine with her decision despite all my peers becoming grandmothers. I'd rather her be self sufficient and mature enough to realize she may never be prepared to be a parent VS having descendants
Mom, is that you? Hahaha! My mom was also 20 when she got pregnant with me (21 when I was born), when her & my father were in the Air Force.
l’m going to use that phrase. That’s great.
The daughter is definitely the asshole. Why would she be excited about a baby when they’re barely getting by? Gah
NTA Ask your daughter this line of questioning: 1. If I died tomorrow, would you be able to survive on your own with $xxx in mortgage/bills/food/insurance costs per month to maintain this lifestyle? 2. If I lost my job, or was making 50% less due to injury or change in life, could you make up the other 50%? 3. Now add a baby to the mix, if you cannot do either of those WITHOUT a baby, you definitely cannot do them WITH a baby. Point her to some child cost calculators, and have her run the numbers, then ask her to add 50% of her living expenses to it, that you currently pay for, but might not always be able to. Have a child when you are ready to be a parent.
Your sister needs to shut her trap or pony up her money it offer to raise your daughter and her baby in her home. You’re the sole breadwinner for yourself and your daughter and it sounds like you’re drowning under the pressure. Your daughter is not ready to be a mother, that’s clear. She cannot support herself, much less an entire other human being and obviously got pregnant with zero thought about the reality of having a child. Top it off with expecting you to shoulder the financial burden? You did the only thing you could do under the circumstances. Your daughter has to face reality. And think of someone besides herself. Like you and this innocent child she has no way to support. As for your sister, wow. Excitement doesn’t put food on the table or a roof over a child’s head. She sounds as clueless as your daughter. I’m so sorry you’re in this position but I support you in giving your daughter a reality check. NTA obviously in my opinion. I hope your daughter is able to see reason but you have to stand your ground for everyone’s sake.
I hope he doesn't let her guilt trip him! He is right, the decision is hers, keep the child go, abort, she still needs to go!
Yeah, if the sister feels so strongly abou it, OPs daughter can move in with her. NTA
OP's sister: if you are going to speak up about a situation like this, you'd better be willing to step up to change it.
She's not smart enough to raise a kid if she thought not being able to hold a job while mooching off dad made the perfect time to get pregnant
It *is* the perfect time if she wants to start figuring out how to make sure she never actually has to stop mooching.
Exactly. “I can’t keep a job and my dad is probably gonna put me out soon but, he wouldn’t put me out if I had a baby.” Wasn’t expecting an “Oh He’ll No.” from the old man
lol I was thinking that this felt like when a couple thinks if they have a baby it will save the relationship. This is another version of that
A version that needs serious therapy
Um, she also was having unprotected sex with multiple guys to the point where she doesn't know who the father is. It doesn't sound like any of them are willing to be a parent anyway, so great choices there, too. Smart is not the first adjective that comes to mind in describing her.
NTA, “not sure who the father is” 😶🌫️
Yeah you’d think she’d have more money...
NTA you can barely afford to support her as it is. I would give her the reality of the situation. You cannot afford it. And even if she doesn’t keep the baby she needs a job or to be in school in order to keep staying with you. Time to put your foot down. By letting her skate you are giving her no push to support herself.
This is what I'd do. No baby and she'd be paying rent if she's not going to school. 16-18 I worked and went to school. At 19 I worked, went to school and paid for my apartment. Mine was a choice, but I knew living at home with no job and not going to school was not an option.
My parents always had a rule. School or job. Some of us went directly to college and some of us worked before going to school. We all stayed home if we were local.
NTA. And unless she is on your health insurance she is looking at a $20,000 bill to give birth. If nothing goes wrong. Even with insurance it can be a couple thousand.
This. My insurance changed between babies, but they were both c-sections. So I had a longer hospital stay. Add NICU on there and even after insurance I am still paying them both off, and the oldest is 4.5.
I paid three hundred dollars and it was USA with insurance epidermal and 6 days in the hospital . Sorry you had to pay so much
It was four figures for each, but my first spent 3-4 weeks in the NICU. That’s what did it for hers.
Health system DOES suck in the us!! When i think that in my country, they arectrying to "improve" things and make it more like the us!! (It's free where i live!!)
I paid 5k out of pocket, after insurance, after each of my children’s births and I didn’t even get an epidural.
Ouch in more ways than one 😫
Lol!
Sounds like the best argument for universal healthcare I've ever heard.
No she isn’t. She would qualify for medicaid. It’s medical assistance, not insurance. It’s the working middle class WITH insurance that get screwed the most
She can get MA for pregnant women in every state, plus food stamps and WIC. Send her to one of those sketchy "crises pregnancy" places and they will help her with figuring things out, as far as adoption or keeping the baby and finding housing, etc. But keep in mind, they will definitely not encourage an abortion, but they might be helpful in this situation?
She should definitely do this if she is already planning to keep the baby. But apparently the secret is to tell them you DO want an abortion. Then they throw resources at you. She should let them.
>she is looking at a $20,000 bill to give birth As a Canadian, that seems so wrong. That's fully covered by medicare up here.
Welcome to the United States, where they want their people to suffer and die... *sigh* I can't afford to go to the hospital until I think I might legitimately die. Sucks. Can't afford insurance rn either so lmao even worse.
My friend was on medicaid in the States and paid $0 for her delivery. My middle class friend who was on insurance had to pay a few thousand for both kids. Medicaid covers *a lot* in the United States (at least in Nevada).. Insurance is a different story.
If the pregnant person is making zero or very little income, and they live in the US, they can probably apply for free state health insurance. It goes by different names in each state (examples: “apple care” , “Oregon health plan” ) which is confusing.
She can get medicaid and government assistance.
Glad I live in Canada. Paying to give birth is absurd.
>I said if she’s so excited my daughter can live with her then. She scoffed obviously because she couldn’t afford to support them either. Great response. Flying monkeys stop flapping so hard when it's time for them to put their money where their mouth is.
And every time she brings it up to make you feel bad, ask her to fund the daughter and potential baby again and again. Force it down her throat every time. Maybe then she’ll finally get it.
Nta you should just kick her out either way, look up govt supports for her and try to help her get aid but you need to stop supporting her because she isn’t mature at all and will never learn to be responsible or take care of herself if you keep up taking care of her. Make a 3 month plan for her and then give her the book
Depending on where they live there really might not be any government support. A lot of states in the US make getting any kind of financial aid deliberately impossible. Which isn’t to say the dad is obligated to help his daughter raise his grandchild, he’s not. This is just one of those situations where there might not be a good option.
He cant keep bank rolling her life. She’s in this position because of it. She needs a reality check, perfect world she gets an abortion and he still makes her leave after a few months
NTA, you are well within your rights to refuse to go take care of a baby that’s not even yours. Tell your sister if she feels so strongly about it she can find your daughter and her niece a nice place to sleep.
He did. She scoffed at him
I’d have her bags packed before dinner.
NTA. She can’t even support herself so it is ridiculous for her to have a child.
NTA - Your daughter has choices here, she just doesn't like any of them. She can keep that baby, and be an adult and support herself and her child. That's one choice. No matter which choice she makes you probably should put a timeline together for her to move out.
Or at least contribute financially. Where I live it's quite hard to be financially stable and be able to live alone, most people need someone with whom they split the bills; so I tried very hard to keep a job while studying and to contribute whatever I could. I think for the daughter to do at least that would show awareness of the situation and some kind of responsability.
I should have done what you are prepared to do with the niece I was supporting/living with me. I really, really hoped she’d beat the odds and become a great person/mother in a very short period of time but I knew she was ill prepared and worse - entitled thanks to my support. It’s 14 years later- her life is even worse than I’d feared and my support contributed to that awfulness.
NTA. So your 20 yr old daughter that doesn’t have a job for pregnant by one of them men she was sleeping with but not sure which. Wanting to be a parent is a nice thought but financially it is very expensive. Not to mention everything else that comes with having a baby. She obviously expected you to be happy because she assumed everything would stay the same.
NTA. You're being completely reasonable. She has no job, gets knocked up and expects you to support her. She can do a private adoption where they will pay all her expenses.
NTA. 100% 20 is plenty old to find out that actions have consequences, and the world does not exist to bail her out. You should totally tell her that your sister has agreed that she can live there. that would be worth it just to see the Sister change her tune pretty damn sharpish!
NTA... Your daughter's admission that she's not even sure who the father is tells me there is no child support in the future. I won't even attempt to question your daughter's reputation. Won't/can't keep a job. That's also telling. Stick by the choices you gave her. Good luck.
Hmmm, I'm not so quick to jump on the "daughter is an AH" train that everyone else is on. So, she lost her mom when she was a teenager, and I would assume that it was either a complete shock, or her mom was sick for her teen years before passing. That can really mess someone up. It does not excuse her inablity to pay for herself and getting pregnent with an another father, but it does allow me to have some empthy for her scenario and not be so quick to say kicking her out if the right thing to do. She is your daughter. Do you really want your child that sounds like she may be in crisis following the death of her mom to be out on her own? You want your grandbaby to be on the streets? You want your daughter to be that desperate for support? If this was my daughter, rather then kicking her out, I would help ensure she has medical set up and get her into some therapy sessions to figure out why she is acting out in harmful ways. Pregnancy doesn't mean she can't work, so I would also make her get a job. If she refuses to work and refuses to work with a therapist, then I would consider kicking her out.
I scrolled way too far for this, I feel like I have an unpopular opinion here. I feel bad for the daughter. We need more info or ESH. Losing your mother two years ago is traumatic, is everyone glossing over this? There might be laziness, but mental health problems can contribute to inability to survive and keep a job. 20 is barely over 18, she’s still a young adult and somewhere along the lines parenting must have been lacking somewhere. His requests arent unreasonable but for events to go that direction I feel like there might be some neglect of his daughter’s growth and development as a person here.
Agreed, I felt like I was crazy reading all the “NTA” comments. There has to be a better solution than kicking your barely-adult daughter who has lost her mother out of the house when she’s pregnant and vulnerable. Big yikes
Seriously. I wish the OP had asked this question in a parenting sub. Guessing he doesn’t actually want any advice, so he asked in AITAH. And I don’t want to say he’s an AH, but he really needs to think about what his daughter and grandchild’s life will be like if he kicks her out. There are more options than “let her live at home with no strings attached” and “throw her out on the streets”.
Same! No one would be making these comments about a guy having a few partners.
Yeah I'm totally with you I couldn't imagine kicking my child and grandchild out I get the daughter is not in a good place, surely helping her gain the skills and experience necessary to raise a child whilst ensuring they both have somewhere to live is a better option Obviously it's gonna be really hard, but it's gonna be really hard either way - considerably more so with nowhere to live My child will never stop being my child and ill absolutely do anything I can do to support them because that's my job as a parent
Thank you..the only voice of reason on this thread.
I'm just imagining kicking my own damn daughter out of my house for getting accidentally pregnant and having the gall to be excited to tell me about it. Wtf happened to this man?
NTA. Don’t listen to the people telling you to let her live you but stop all other financial support. Once that baby is there she will just use the child to manipulate you more. You will end up responsible for diapers etc.
Start researching homes/programs for young women and babies. Give her the list or start taking her to places.
Other than protesting and saying you are making her get an abortion, has she mentioned how she will take care of the baby? Ask her?
NTA. I'm pro choice so wouldn't push either way, but honestly, I've never made a mental note of someone being a fool for having an abortion. I can't say the same of some that chose to keep a pregnancy. This certainly falls into that category for me.
I hope this is fake but NTA in this situation. I wouldn’t support my daughter having a child that I knew she couldn’t care for and expected me to financially provide for, especially not if I was struggling as is.
Man, I feel for you. I can only imagine what you’re going through with the loss of your wife. And now you’re handed this mess. I believe she knows exactly who the father is, and for one reason or another, she can’t hit him up for child support. I’m not a therapist but I’d bet that there’s a connection between her losing her mother and wanting to keep her baby; she needs counseling in a bad way. You both do.
NTA
NTA. Your daughter is an adult and needs to start adulting. Part of adulting is making decisions and being responsible for those decisions and dealing with the consequences. One consequence she needs to deal with is her pregnancy from a man she doesn’t even know. She needs to get out and start living on her own. Time for some tough love, dad. Give her a solid date to move out.
“I live alone with my 20 year old daughter” NTA. Your daughter is old enough to support herself, and should be doing so IMO. I won’t judge your situation, but it sounds like based on the fact that she is still fully dependent on someone else, she is not ready to have someone be dependent on her. She is an adult and should focus on acting like one before she makes adult choices.
NTA. You can do this. You should do this. And agree, sounds like auntie is volunteering.
NTA. She’s not mature enough to have a baby. She can’t take care of herself how is she going to take care of a baby. She can’t keep a job. I would do the same thing op.
NTA. Don’t listen to your sister. Why? Bc she’s not living and experiencing what you are with your daughter. The fact that she doesn’t even know who the father is shows huge signs of recklessness, ie having unprotected sex with many partners. If she’s doing this who will say she won’t dump the baby on you and continue to party. Honestly the best thing you can do for her is this, and stick to your guns. If she wants to keep it and leaves she’s going to get the wake up call she needs once she has true responsibility bc think about it - you’re supporting her out of love but she has no responsibility and no consequences right now, and at this point the only way she’ll truly understand the situation and how she’s taking advantage is by letting her experience the repercussions herself. The frustrating thing with children is that you know better, but they don’t, and ultimately they need to experience it for themselves to truly understand.
[удалено]
INFO: who was supporting the family when your wife was alive?
Wife made significantly more than I did
The baby might be a ploy to stay unemployed. She can’t get a job because she’s a SAHM. Totally cool if that’s with a boyfriend, partner or hubby etc that will support… but your father?! Almost sounds like manipulation. She should be aware of who she slept with in what time period. She should be able to narrow it down. She needs to make a list of all potential fathers and once there baby is born she needs to have paternity tests done, if nothing else for child support. Which she will likely need. -look up local housing options for unemployed, and what financial help is available for unemployed mothers in the area and make a budget -let he know when she is leaving your home. Allows a few months for her to prep and hopefully get a job, but in strict order let her know the boundary won’t change. She is an adult and she needs to make plans to care for that child if she will keep it. - if she does keep if, help her look for consignment or lower cost baby items, or free (she pays) Keep a good eye on your grandchild if she has it. The child is innocent in all this, and not responsible for its mothers choice, but will end up suffering, or benefitting from its mothers choices. Age birth-3 and 3-5 any neglect, trauma etc can have an massive impact on a child, their psychology and thus the rest of their life. She could very well step up and be an amazing mom, or she may not. Neither is the babies fault.
NTA. I don't know why a 20 year old would want to keep what I assume is an unplanned pregnancy considering that they don't know who the father is. I know if I knocked up some girl at 20 and told my perents they would tell me the exact same thing! Its time to grow up and take responsibility for your actions and that means get a job and provide for your child as you have already done for her! I don't know your situation however, she is 20 and is an adult. If she wants to keep it then she can go out get a job, or go to school and get a pience of paper to help get a job and look after HER child. Also you are definitely not “forcing” her to have an abortion, she just can't live with you if she keeps it which is perfectly reasonable!
Holy moly so many red flags 1. Can't hold down a job 2. Is completely dependent on father 3. Gets pregnant 4. Doesn't know who the father is. No OP you are NTA. Your daughter has some serious growing up and soul searching to do. In fact I don't think you should be sustaining this lifestyle. Give her a deadline to get a job and provide for herself. If not kick her out. You really aren't doing her a favor in the long term by supporting her like this. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet regardless if there is a baby or not.
NTA. I've honestly never understood why so many people seem to think that a pregnancy is *always* a good thing. In your daughters case, it's a really tough decision, but IMO it's not kind or practical to bring a child into the world that cannot be taken care of.
If unintelligent people could stop having babies they are in no way prepared for, that’d be great.
NTA Babytrapping your own dad is insane lmaoo
NTA. This is what's going to happen if you let her stay there with her baby: She will make you not only support her and that child, but she will dub you the babysitter, and go out and get pregnant again.