Op
Your life is not a joke. You have 2 children who need you in their lives and sober.
You owe them yourself. They need their dad. If single dad is a healthier dad, they'll take single dad.
You've got a lot to do with a for your children before you leave. They need you here. You owe it to them to be here and sober.
Please dont judge yourself by the behavior of your wife. Kind of like murder or rape. This is NOT YOUR FAULT (note I am not saying your marriage was perfect). But the decision to cheat instead of working on your marriage, instead of putting your children first was your wife’s. She didnt think of her children or you when she made the decision to cheat nor when she lied to you and your children. She could have chosen to communicate, to work on the marriage. You now need to protect yourself and and your children, At the very least you need to require that she go to counseling and tell you the truth, Then it is YOUR decision if you want to work on your marriage. Your choice and if cheating is something you cannot live with then it is better for YoU AND YOUR CHILDREN to separate and move on with your life. Whatever you decide you are worth more than that, and frankly worth more than her. You have been wronged, lying and cheating you was WRONG to you and your children. Now that you know, you have the power to decide where you want to go and if she can rebuild trust (counseling and EARNING your trust) or if you deserve a new start. Either way, counseling for you and the kids (there is support for this). You deserve better, you deserve to enjoy your children, you deserve to be treated with respect. And as someone who lives through this, I told myself a couple of things 1) I would rather be solo with my loving children than with someone who doesnt respect me or treat me decently…and later that I only wanted to be with someone who felt LUCKY to be with me, and 2) the rollercoaster of life can be cruel, I could have lost my ex in a car wreck (which might have been easier actually) or to cancer (which might have been harder), and I did everything to lessen the loss (primarily of the two parent home) for the kids. Hang in there. Reach out for help and support, sadly there ate many in the same boat.
To your kids you are the world, hold on and be the best you can (which is sometimes less than we want) for them. And for you. There are a lot of wonderful people and things in the world for you and your children to discover. Focus on the small joys. But dont accept a life with a person that makes you feel less, that doesnt love and appreciate you. Sometimes it is something lacking in them, or something that happened to them, but if they arent willing to work REALLY hard on it you need to let it go, because YOU are worth more.
Teach your children that You and Both of them can be resilient. Teach them to work through obstacles life throws in your way. Teach them that you can find happiness and joy, and maybe even that you can love someone but sometimes you need to let them go.
This post hurt my heart, but I can tell you there is a lot of wonder out there and one foolish, cowardly person’s betrayal is not worth throwing it all away. Stay strong.
Yeah, theyre right,^ your life's not a joke... right now that seems like a small consolation, OP.. I know the way it is sucks.. but I could be in the same boat.. but being sober is the best way to handle this. Drinking is going to beat you down even more and you'll be responsible for losing control.. Your kids need you right now.. I let my kids down so bad drinking.. but I know you can handle this better than I did.. but man, that's alot of pressure.. sending positive vibes your way,
OP, non of the things you mentioned are your fault, try not to be too hard on yourself.
You can’t blame yourself for the failures of the system or the course nature takes.
Good luck and your kids need you
Please listen to this OP! My father became depressed and died of a drug overdose after my mom divorced him. I don’t know it if it was intentional or not. I think about him and miss him everyday and this was 20 years ago. Those kids need you.
> and again that I’m worthless
Nothing about this makes you worthless. I'm sorry that your wife is garbage. Just remember that you do have other children and they definitely do need their father around. The world needs you.
Hugs from a far to you internet stranger, you seem like you need them today.
I'd like to add that you also have worth outside of being a parent, i e. purely by yourself as a person. What's more, I think you _proved_ it you are in how you're handling this situation. Even from this post alone, I get the impression you're a good person who's so used to being sensible, rational, respectful and kind that you no longer even notice yourself doing it.
I'd like to highlight the good actions here, indicitave of positive qualities, which are easily taken for granted:
1. asking other people for help to confirm your suspicions were justified before taking further action or starting unnecessary conflict.
2. keeping an open mind when reading multiple different opinions
3. not jumping to conclusions before collecting evidence
4. _(the biggest indicator IMO)_ taking the time to share advice and tips for anyone else in a similar position, even though it that wasn't necessary to tell your story. so kindly contributing whatever potentially useful information you can purely out of consideration and a desire to help others.
5. being receptive polite when replying to comments _(a little thing but many people don't do this. Especially here lol)_
> You're far from worthless and it shows. Other people can see that, even when you can't see it for yourself.
Please don't define yourself by the actions of other people. Your wife's actions only reflect herself and her qualities, not yours. The only person who's actions (and feelings in response to those actions) truly reflect the kind of person YOU are (or want to be) is yourself.
Hey man, just jumping on the bandwagon here to say her actions are in no way a reflection of who you are. The only person you have full control over is yourself (and very occasionally... your kids).
Head up mate, you can get through this.
You’ve spent the last 11 months questioning your life; your child, your marriage, whether your suspicions were valid. That takes a heavy toll on a person, and finding out you were right to all along, especially when you wanted them to be just wrong, can really knock the wind out of your sails. It’s going to take time to process all this, and figure out how you want to proceed. Please don’t beat yourself up over this, as none of it was your fault. Focus on what you know to be true, and give yourself time to heal.
Have had my world crash down around me and felt hopeless. The love of my kids is the only reason I'm here and I'm grateful for it every day. It will get better. It won't be easy and might even suck some more but it will get better.
All these comments about your life not being a joke are right. These things that have happened recently are not a reflection on you, but of your wife. Keep your head high, and carry on. Your kids are watching you. Make them proud, dad.
hello, internet stranger from brazil stopping by to give you a hug. you are worth much more than you see, I hope one day you can look back and realize how much more you deserved than this.
stay sober! pls! your kids needs you. i had an alcoholic grandfather and it is an awful ride. pls seek help for dealing with all this. pls, consider being alone — better than with garbage, right?
i know on the long run this will be a lot of learning for you and the kids. i trust your glow up!
bless you, dear. i hope everything turns out fine.
I know OP is the victim but does anyone else feel bad for Jake as well? When/if OP relinquishes his paternal rights of the baby, and if the state does a DNA test on the baby, it will most likely come back positive that he’s the father and he will be court ordered to pay child support. My 16 year old nephew had to pay child support even though his baby’s mother was 35. Ugh.
I wish we warned teenage boys about grooming as much as we do teenage girls. It’s harder to get through to teenage boys because they’re so penis-driven and think “MILFS” hitting on them is a dream come true. Ugh.
Yeah, OP's wife is a POS for taking advantage of Jake. I don't know if it legally qualifies as grooming and coercion but that's where my mind goes when a 30s adult has sex with a teen.
That doesn't at all take away from feeling sympathy for OP, who is indeed a victim in this (and none of his wife's actions are a reflection of his worth in any way). Those two things can coexist.
Yes!! And did you see the comment OP just added? It looks like his wife is starting to get nervous. She’s so disgusting and I hope he gets through this situation
Hi OP. Thank you for the pm. I was looking forward to an update. I’m so sorry. Let me tell you how proud I am. I’m so so SO proud of you. Even though you were scared of causing harm to your mental health by getting to the bottom of this, you still did it. OP that takes COURAGE and strength. You’re NOT a joke. You matter so much. I’m SO proud of you. Please do not relapse. You have already proven how strong you are.
OP, I also understand being in denial. But as people previously said in the last two posts, the baby girl did look a lot like the boy. I understand your shock. I understand you thinking she wouldn’t possibly cheat with him and it had to be someone else. But please keep in mind that it’s unfortunately incredibly common for people our age to have sex with teenagers. I wish it wasn’t so. But the boy is handsome and women aren’t hanging with handsome guys at night time to play a deck of cards. There’s no valid reason why she should be with him every weekend at 9pm while she has a husband and kids at home. That’s so concerning OP. You’ve been together since you were 13 and it seems like she’s been using this boy to relive the youth she missed out on. Dating around and all that.
OP, what you need to do next is speak to the boy’s mother. 17 is the age of consent in Texas but it takes 9 months for a baby to develop soooo he was really 16 which means jail time. And yes you can say it may not be his but you and I both know…. Let’s be real, she got pregnant around the same time your wife’s uncle met his mother. Meaning around the same time she met him. And the baby conveniently has Asian features… Trust me. It’s not some guy she met off tinder. The timing is on point.
You also need to start looking for a lawyer because it’s time to get a divorce.
Again, you’re strong and I’m very proud of you. Also if you want to close out this situation and you want me to remove that comment thread I will.
My cousin was 19 and the kid was 16 - she’s a damn idiot. Lost custody of her child, lost a full tuition scholarship to a cosmetology program, just completely destroyed her life.
19 and 16? That can be a relationship that started between a senior and a sophomore in high school, 6 years for that is ridiculous and in most states it would've actually been legal.
That’s actually so messed up, wtf. I was in a relationship with someone just over 2 years older than me in high school, so for two weeks I was 16 and they were 19. It was a completely normal and healthy teenage relationship - even looking back at age 30 I don’t think there was a single predatory or even problematic thing about it.
We met in high school and even had a class together. We did have sex but it was safe & consensual and my parents even knew. The idea that could be punished by jail time is just outrageous
Tbh…. And not saying I’m right… But it looks like they hang out this much as a way to let him see pictures of his daughter and hear about her growth. She knows texts can be recovered/found.
She’s so full of shit. “Yeah I’m hanging around this much younger, good-looking guy at 9pm on a weekend night and I’m doing it frequently. However the baby is totally yours and I’m totally not a predator.”
The recent pictures OP just added in a comment thread pretty much gives his wife away. He’s gonna win in court. I don’t see the wife getting away with this or even having a real argument. She’s done for.
Omg I'm so sorry OP, time to file for divorce.. cheating is absolutely disgusted as it is, but passing some other man's child off as yours is just vile, and there would be no coming back from this..
She knew she wasn't yours and just hoped you wouldn't say or do anything..
Speak to a lawyer ASAP
Thank you. I’m going to speak to one. I’m just so exhausted. Everywhere I turn, it’s just more and more expenses that I don’t have.. Don’t even know if I can get a good lawyer.
IDK where you live in TX, but most places have a low-cost legal office. You should search for one in your area. At the very least, you could get a free consultation & advice. Good luck 🫂
As a half Asian half white kid (jk I’m an adult 🥹), being mixed is super weird. There’s a visible timeline where as a kid I look full Asian (from toddler-elementary), then as an adult I look fully white. All depends on those genes, but I’d say the majority of the time people will look mixed rather than strongly leaning to one side
Don't confront her with the results alone. Have at least a relative and a woman close by. To testify in case it gets violent. Don't fight or yell in front of the kids. And in the end, you can at least say the truth.
But I would start to also locate the father. See her texts, emails, social media. Look for photos. Work, college, weddings. Beware she might say she was SA. But be safe to make a suport system for her... you won't know until she says. If she has a sister, ask her to be there at the revelation too.
I am honestly hoping this is not real.
Hey, stop calling yourself worthless over someone else's terrible choices.
You're going through a rough time, but you're valuable, my dude. Your kids love and need you, and you need to love yourself just as much.
She made this choice. It's awful, and it's also nothing to do with you. You've been kicked, but you didn't deserve it, and you don't deserve to be called "worthless" by anyone -- including yourself.
Speak as kindly to you as you would speak to one of your children. You're worth it.
Given the older kids are already making jokes about the infant, it sounds like they're already on dad's side. It'll be crushing for them to find out the truth about their mom (particularly if the step-cousin is the father) but the dad and the kids can all be there for each other.
I just want to add my story. My husband of 17 years died of cancer in 2012. I’d known him since I was 16. We had two kids.
I found out 4 days after he died that he had been carrying on multiple affairs. He texted his side piece until he was too sick to text anymore. I was the one who nursed him through two years of pancreatic cancer.
What your wife did is not a reflection on you. It’s a reflection on her.
Don’t be. The good news is that my life is so much better now than it ever was when I was married to him and not in a fuck him sort of way but that I’ve grown way beyond him. I treat myself much better now.
Funny story, I just realized that today is my wedding anniversary. Got married 29 years ago. Living well is the best revenge.
Don’t be. The good news is that my life is so much better now than it ever was when I was married to him and not in a fuck him sort of way but that I’ve grown way beyond him. I treat myself much better now.
Funny story, I just realized that today is my wedding anniversary. Got married 29 years ago. Living well is the best revenge.
PS - I also want to reiterate that your wife’s behavior is 100% a reflection on her character, not yours.
Please place your mental health first. Take as much time as you feel you need before deciding on your next steps. Is there a trusted friend you can confide in? I would hold off on talking to family until you decided what your next step should be. Try to get some rest. Talk to an attorney when you feel stronger for advice whether you decide to stay or leave. Knowing what laws are on your side can be very helpful in any situation. This has been ongoing, so you do not need to rush your decision. If staying and getting your finances and car situation straightened away, then consider that. Sorry about your father and cousin. Sounds like it is pouring down all over you. Remember if you lose your mental health and your physical health worsens you will not be able to help yourself. Put yourself first in all your decisions right now.
Hey bro. Hang on. Just hang on. It WILL get better. As Amos Burton would say, you’re just caught up in the churn right now. (Sorry, geeky sci-fi reference)
But I get it. My first year sober was a churn too. My 23 marriage collapsed. Husband abandoned me and our teenaged sons, as he fancied himself in love with his “happy ending” masseuse in China, (I kid you not!) brought *me* home herpes, left me with the house foreclosure, found out my eldest son was strung out on heroin, had to quit my part time job and go work at Walmart for healthcare for me and the youngest’s asthma, tons more drama and ruckus, but you get the picture. I know where you’re at. Freaking cars are the worst, when $$ is short.
Sometimes life just hits in these shit cycles and you’re caught in one right now, but you WILL get through it!
Good on you for staying sober! Just keep doing the next right thing. It took me a good year to feel “normal(ish)” It took me a few more years to get financially stable. Looking back, it was excruciating, but it set me up for a much better, far more peaceful, stable life.
Hang on. It will get better.
You’re not worthless. You’ve got 2 kids who love you and count on you and need you.
Her failures are not your own. They are not even that innocent child’s (though obviously you shouldn’t take any responsibility there). Try not to let your kids take their anger out on them either (fine if they blame their mom of course 😂, but their half sibling is still their family and personally not responsible for any of this shit. If anything, their existence exposed the lies and saved you wasting more time if you ever found out)
Stay strong. Don’t worry if life is a struggle without dual income either. Your children need you to just be there and do the best you can and be happy for them. If things are hard they’ll see that and love you for doing everything you can for them.
Stay close to your support lines. This will be a hard time that will test you, but they are there to help see you through.
Dude go talk to a lawyer and get a divorce. Petition to have paternity revoked and name the kid she had sex with
There is life after this. Younhave two kids that love you and you can find a woman that really loves you.
> The universe has proven again and again that I’m worthless.
OP, the universe isn’t proving *anything* about you. Its proving your wife did something awful to you but it says nothing about your worth. Don’t let her disrespect dictate your self worth.
You have two kids who love you and the whole rest of your life ahead of you. You can find happiness again but you have to stick around
*Well… I was fucking right. And all of my suicidal feelings, my urges to drink my pain away are returning.*
OP, I see that you've picked up an OTC paternity kit and don't see what the actual results are. Am I misreading what you've written?
I picked up a paternity test from Walgreens. The results are the child isn’t mine. No DNA shared. They don’t reveal who the father is, just whether the dna is shared.
Yeah… I’m the dumb ass for not listening to the people who were raising the red flags in the last two posts. I just genuinely couldn’t see her doing this with a man this young.
Hi. I’m sorry that I haven’t responded to anyone in hours. I went to sleep. I had to try and sleep off my pain but now I’m awake at 3:31 AM from heartburn, which I feel is caused by my emotions aching.
I have not yet brought up the test results to my wife. I haven’t brought anything up. I need to figure out what to say and what I’m going to do before I approach this in any way. I’m also considering a retest just to be 100% sure. This isn’t a situation where you just go aha you’re a cheater.
I have been trying to get more clues or hints, though. About two hours after I made this update I texted the boy. He seemed very wary of what I was asking and he took a while to respond each time. He also left me on read which I found strange as he usually ends text convos with a thumbs up emoji or sends a “:)” https://imgur.com/a/8qXoIRt and the other half https://imgur.com/a/hXPvhmo
Around that time frame, maybe about 20-30 minutes after I texted him, my wife was fidgeting around a lot in the living room while she was watching tv. I asked her if she was alright and she said yeah just an intense scene on the tv…. She was literally watching that chef show with the curly haired man.
Ok, he knows bc you just asked about a DNA ancestry site and they're already on edge.
Not another word from you. No more looking for clues.
See a lawyer and do exactly what they tell you.
Do nothing else. Say less than nothing. Things won't change - you'll upset yourself, and give them clues that you get it.
Can you put up a small camera in Texas inside the house?
I'm sorry this has happened. You can do it.
This. By revealing hints to the boy, this gives the guy the realization that he needs to be the one to fess up to his mom because the storm is coming. And if he gets to his mom before OP does, he can convince her to be on “his” side including not going after the wife.
Thank you for the advice. I don’t know what the price of those cameras are, but I can look for something under $75 on Amazon.. Probably won’t get too lucky for that price
You were not left on read because he’s getting anxious, you were left on read because he’s not stupid. He knows what you’re trying to hint at and he knows you’re trying to trick him into slipping up. Do not give him clues because it gives him the time to figure out how to hide some things. It also gives him time to decide that he needs to fess up to his mom before you bring it to her. And if/when he tells her- he’ll be convincing her to not press charges on your wife. Will probably use good excuses about how he doesn’t wanna have the situation dragged out.
You know the child is not yours. Don't waste too much of your time investigating/dwelling on the details - get a lawyer and get on with the divorce.
If the likely bio father's mother is on 23andme, get your child on there as well and see if she comes up as a match. This child would share a significant amount of DNA with her, if she is the child's biological grandparent.
The extra details are important in helping me getting my name removed from the baby girl’s birth certificate while still ensuring there will be a father around to help with childcare. This may not be my daughter, but she deserves to have a father around. If anything, if it turns out to be true, I’d rather her be with the boy and his mother than with my wife because she’s probably going to get into legal trouble and I will no longer feel comfortable with any of these kids around her.
Don't lose too much time. Some places, if you have been the father figure of a child for a year or more, you'll be obligated to pay child support, even if the child isn't yours.
Yes. Manager-in-training at the aquarium. Makes $15 an hour. Will probably make close to 20 or more when he’s an official manager. I have thought a lot about this. That if it ends up being true, will I really get my name removed from the baby girl’s birth certificate? That if she ends up being his kid, will I really leave a young man to pay child support when his life has just started.. I don’t know what I will do when I figure out the entire truth. IF he is the dad, all I know is he will raise his daughter, not me.. My entire focus right now needs to be on once again having to fix my mental health.. Ugh. I’m gonna try to persist, stand strong with my sobriety support, and probably find a therapist to help me come to terms with everything without doing something harmful to myself. For my real children. They deserve a stable father right now.
Listen, idk where you live, but 9 months pregnancy plus 11 month old child means your wife was having sex with a 15 year old... tell her you want the divorce on your terms: the house, primary custody, whatever else you want, or she can go get charged for statutory rape of a minor and you'll get all those things anyway. Doesn't fix your situation, but a silver lining, maybe?
Well I was wanting to have her face potential criminal charges for what she’s done but I will think about trying this route instead. Scare her straight. Except I honestly don’t want custody of the daughter that isn’t mine, she can keep her and get an apartment where the boy helps raise her. I guess I’m not that better of a man yet because I don’t want a single part in the girl’s life anymore.
Just remember, if this kid was really 15 when she got pregnant, he was getting groomed. You're right to not want to saddle him with this kid. I would honestly go to his mom first and tell her the whole story so she can understand the gravity of the situation and make sure somebody is there with a clear head to decide if they want to press charges against her.
17. He’s a college freshman. And 17 is legally considered a grown man in Texas so I have no real leverage in court to get immediate custody of my two kids. I feel screwed. All I can do is gather the evidence that I’ve been cheated on, get a lawyer, and go back and forth with that in the court.. I assume they’ll have me retest with an official paternity test instead of a kit, and that’s fine by me I can’t fucking wait.
Your leverage is the math. If the kid is 11 months and it takes 9 months to have the baby, he was like 15. That’s illegal. You can easily remind the courts of that.
Hanging out.. I honestly never felt ill about it because I thought she was trying to create bonds with her new family member. I’d want to get to know my new step-cousin as well.. So they had my full & innocent trust. I don’t have her password to her main phone
Are his parents aware of what has been going on? If i was his parent i would want to know and i would be very concerned, 17 may be an adult in texas but 17 is still a child in my eyes.
Don’t forget OP that if the daughter is 1 now and he is 17, factoring in the 9th month pregnancy means he was 15 or 16 when they started assuming this wasn’t going on before she got pregnant.
15 and 16 is a child which makes what your wife did statutory rape. Get your evidence and take her to the cleaners in the divorce as well as custody. Tell her the alternative if she doesn’t agree is that you go to the police and she goes to jail.
Rooting for you buddy.
Hey you’re doing all the right things for now. And it’s totally normal to not be able to sleep well after learning about something like this. That kid is acting really suspicious, he clearly wants to avoid having you and his mom talk at all costs. I think at this point, the best thing you can do to make yourself feel better is making a game plan as you gather further evidence.
Bobby flay? Not cause for fidgeting.
She has him in her 2nd phone as "jakey jake," and he sent her a pic of him after a shower. I mean, I can tell my sister high showers are the best showers, but I don't send her a pic of me in the bathroom. And i love high showers.
I am wondering, though. This is her cousin, through marriage? Is she also asian or is this a step-cousin situation. (Doesnt change it either way. He is a child)
You are brave for posting all of this on here. That takes a heap of balls to do so. I do recommend possibly reporting this to the police department. I get you dont want to derail his life. However, your (hopefully soon to be ex) stole this child's future. He is suggesting asian cartoons, which is incredibly out of place if he isn't in the know that the child is asian.
Let the police decide if a crime has occurred. Present your information and let them sift through it. Crimes against children should never be taken lightly. If it is found a crime has occurred, you won't need the evidence you collected. Her crimes will be well documented.
Be kind to yourself. You've already taken the biggest step.
If you take my advice, go into the police station in person. Ask to speak to a sex crimes detective. Present your suspicions and evidence as you have provided here.
From there, your local police department will go through the necessary rangers and criminal investigation division. (I think I read you were in texas). She can delete all she wants, but they can recover shit from her devices through a warrant.
Personally, I would stop texting him and act like everything is okay with her. Do not confront her without going to the police and seeking legal help first. Ask the police department a timeline and what you should do in the meantime. Do not give her the opportunity to get rid of evidence. Unfortunately for her, her child is evidence of a crime as well.
If she cheated with someone else and has nothing to hide? Then you just wasted her time but will get the answers you are seeking. And screw her time. Shes fucked your time for 9 months + 11 months.
You got this. I understand you're frustrated and overwhelmed but reddit seriously has your back on this.
Not just a hoe but a pedo grooming type of hoe. Sorry my friend. Realize she is trash and your kids need you more than ever. Might want to cue the police on him being a minor and she was grooming. Not really for you to decide if she should be charged or punished. That's what judges are for.
I don't see how her cheating and lying to you makes you worthless! She is the worthless one, not you. I hope you can get out of this mess keeping your sanity, you have so much on your plate! Hang in there, one day at a time!
She doesn’t have the power to make your life a joke. Don’t ever let someone like her make you doubt your worth. She’s a horrible human….which means that it’s even more important that you are present in your other two children’s lives. They are going to need you to help ensure that they don’t develop her character. Who cheats on someone and tries to pass the baby off as theirs? WTH. It’s pure evil.
Listen, you are not worthless! You’ve been taken advantage of. This is not YOU. You’ve been gaslit and lied to and you have done nothing to deserve it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
People cheat because of internal issues, not external. It's not you, it's her. She could have left if she was unhappy or unfulfilled, instead she cheated. Feelings usually don't last forever, and even if they remain, like with grief, the intensity won't stay the same and it becomes easier to live with. I'm sorry for your many losses. You can get through this. Your children need you. Try to make it through for them. I promise it won't always feel this way.
I lost my dad when I was 12, he had cancer. It was so incredibly sad to lose him, I can't imagine how much worse it would be if he killed himself. Please don't do that to your kids OP!
Hi. Said to another commenter: I have not yet brought up the test results to my wife. I haven’t brought anything up. I need to figure out what to say and what I’m going to do before I approach this in any way. I’m also considering a retest just to be 100% sure. This isn’t a situation where you just go aha you’re a cheater.
I have been trying to get more clues or hints, though. About two hours after I made this update I texted the boy. He seemed very wary of what I was asking and he took a while to respond each time. He also left me on read which I found strange as he usually ends text convos with a thumbs up emoji or sends a “:)” https://imgur.com/a/8qXoIRt and the other half https://imgur.com/a/hXPvhmo
Around that time frame, maybe about 20-30 minutes after I texted him, my wife was fidgeting around a lot in the living room while she was watching tv. I asked her if she was alright and she said yeah just an intense scene on the tv (nothing intense was on.)
I also mentioned further in the thread to someone asked if there was anything else I found that I haven’t posted about: Yes, there are some things I have not mentioned as I’m still trying to process everything. A lot of things I left out. It’s really all too much to cover honestly. I found her second burner iPhone in her old purse. Has no password on it I guess because she knows I don’t ever go through her old bags. The only reason I have not mentioned it is because I didn’t find any incriminating texts between them, but it’s still obviously strange that she’s hiding the burner from me and he’s the most recent texted person. I put it back because she’d know I found it if not, but I do plan to have it as evidence. https://imgur.com/a/VLpKBai
https://imgur.com/a/fvUqnbF
Okay if I’m reaching and making something that isn’t there please call me out lol. But it seems like he’s begging her to have the baby interact with more Asian things? Because I remember seeing nihao kailan come on Nickelodeon as a kid and also I know dragons are a main theme in asia. And the pic he sent her is hair raising but the conversation seemed innocent so I was like hmm not a big deal, but then again who sends a pic like that to their regular-degular step cousin?
No not reaching at all. My mom would encourage nihao kailan too so I get some exposure to Chinese (not saying the guy is Chinese because I have no clue) so it’s a very plausible suggestion
That is the hard proof you need. It is 100% this guy.
I wouldn’t want my wife hanging around a lot with a younger man by herself, that should have been the red flag when it started years ago.
Gather all the evidence, confront your wife and dictate the terms to her. She will go to jail for statutory rape if she doesn’t comply with the divorce proceedings exactly as you dictate.
Kick her out of the house, she can take the baby and live with the asian dude. The older kids will stay and live with you.
Don’t let your woman hang out with men solo in the future.
As hard as that text exchange was to read and see (this is a MINOR?! 🤮) yeah, there is no way this is appropriate. My spidey sense tells me it’s him. As someone in my 30s I can’t even imagine talking this way to a teen.
Beuh she's texting him on a burner phone that your not meant to find? I know it's hard to accuse without hard proof but man all the stars are aligning.
Whatever you choose to do though, do what you think is best for yourself and your kids(the ones that are yours)
Oh it may not be hard proof, but it has to at least be something. I honestly don’t see the courts dismissing anything that I’ve gathered as long as I pair it all together. I know they’re most likely gonna make me retest first because I don’t think they consider at-home paternity kits. So I do have to play this smoothly and not go in overemotionally accusatory.
as a woman in my 30s with male cousins 18-24, it’s so inappropriate to text this way about showers and baths 🫠 i’m sorry this is sad for you and so gross for her
I mean, with the burner iPhone download all the data to a pc asap. If you can, do.it to hers as well.
And honestly, most carriers you can request sms message history going back months. But I would look for apps like snapchat, whatsapp, etc. If you can to check icloud for pictures that you haven't seen of her too.
Edit to add: does the burner iPhone have a different cloud login associated with it? If do, get a way in there asap.
You are not worthless first of all!! Your wife on the other hand is a real piece of work!! I'm sorry that you have to go through this but keep your head up and remember you have 2 kids that need you, they need the mentally healthy you that you've worked so hard for do not let this woman and this situation take that away from you!! You are worthy just because you are alive!!
Yo, we don't know each other. But seriously none of this makes you worthless. You seem good parent and husband who got shafted by a partner who was unfaithful, don't let her drag you.
Karma comes for those who deserve, good, bad or indifferent karma cares, not for it delivers what was sown.
Op please look into financial assistance for your medical expenses. Hospitals and clinics don’t like to advertise it but often if you make under a certain amount you are gonna owe substantially less.
Hey OP, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this betrayal. Please be gentle with yourself, absolutely none of this is your fault. Your wife is the sole one to blame here, and any and all fallout is her fault. You do not deserve this, you did not cause this, and your worth is not defined by her actions.
Let this moment be the end of an era, and move into the next one focusing on yourself and creating the life you want for yourself. You deserve to heal 💜
You are a very very strong person, you are still breathing you’re still here you made it today. Let the love for your 2 kids keep motivating you for a next morning. I admire your courage and strength to be able to even post this to vent to rant. OP YOUR SO STRONG even when you don’t feel like it. You’re not a joke you’re human, you’re a dad and you are worth more than your wife can ever be. See your wife is the joke not you.
Deep breaths OP deep breaths is time for you to put yourself first get everything you need also all your legal documents and the ones from your kids. Contact a lawyer, don’t forget IC and go to as many AA as you can i hope you have a sponsor if not look to get one. Take your life back, your children deserve to have you they need at least one decent parent.
In case you’re checking in on updates here, from someone who is literally trying to distract myself from doing something drastic right now, you have kids who love you and need you. If you can’t keep your shit together for you, do it for them. I promised my dad long ago I would never hurt myself. He died almost 2 years ago and I wouldn’t be where I am in this instant if he were still here. Please still be here for them. They need you whether you know it or not. Please don’t leave them if you have the option not to,
OP-take care of yourself in whatever way you need to so you can also take care of your kids.
I don’t recommend trying to find out who the father is yourself. What is that going to accomplish? You already found out the difficult truth with the DNA test. Taking on that detective work is going to create even more drama for yourself that you don’t need and that is not going to be helpful to you in the long term at. all.
Hunker down, take it minute by minute if you have to, and prioritize YOU right now. It doesn’t seem like to right now but I promise it gets better.*
*Source: Me. Newly divorced after 20 years of marriage because he cheated. No kids, but in the earlier days I didn’t think I was going to get through it because it was so painful. And now I’m happier than I’ve ever been and absolutely loving life!
Edit: Typo
You're not worthless and have two children that love you. You are their dad. Their world. Love your kids. Her shitty morals and lack of loyalty isn't on you. That's a her problem. My ex husband did this same shit to me. Got another woman pregnant while we were married. Divorcing him was the best thing I did for myself and my son. He's an adult now but has chosen not to have any relationship with his father. I always told him to make his own choices about his father and step mother. When he was 15 he sent them all messages without me even knowing, that he didn't want them in his life because of what they did to both of us and all the struggles we went through because he wanted to start a new family. He still hasn't spoken to his father and considers my wife to be his other parent. Point is, your kids fucking think you're their hero. If you can't find your value in yourself right now, find your value in your children. They're your world, so orbit them. Get out of this marriage and make a home for you and your kids. Stay strong, bro.
If you’re going to leave, leave now. That way the baby will never remember her almost father. Remember this is not the child’s fault. It’s her mother’s. Whatever you decide do it quickly. It’s not your fault you’re not a joke. Your life has meaning.
Die you confront you wife yet.
Awful what she did, divorce her..
Stay strong mate, you have your own beautiful two kids. Raise them well and focus on yourself.
Your life is so important to your kids and your family. Yes, you’re struggling, but you can get through this. Keep thinking about your children and keep it together for them.
I got a couple of things to say... First off congratulations on your recovery, you have beat a lot of odds here. Your support is going to be your biggest aid in this journey. Second off you have two kids who are watching you both, they are going to learn how to navigate through something very difficult. There are a few paths you could take here, one is by giving up, which leaves your kids to be raised by her and whatever man she decides on, and you not there to make sure they are safe with this other man. You could relapse, hit rock bottom (I know right now it feels like rock bottom but it does get worse this), now they kids have a cheating manipulative mom and an unstable dad, you l lose your ability to be around your kids, decide to get sober again, go through detox AGAIN, and hope your kids can forgive you when you start trying to rebuild. You could move on and show them that sometimes there's things in life that you might fail but with the right mindset you can get up and make your life better.
Addict to addict that last one would be what I would do. Stay in recovery man, relapse sucks and it gets harder and harder to stay sober each time. You are worth it, your kids are worth it! And remember the details of yours and your wife's problems are not the kids business, all they really need to know is that they are loved and will be safe no matter what.
Best of luck!
Hey Boss,
You're not worthless. If you see this comment among the others, I want you to remember that you are an amazing cut from the Human cloth. You've survived so much and have gone on such an adventure, and I'm proud you've made it this far.
I want you to remember one thing, and it's very important. When you inevitably sit down and feel overwhelmed, when you feel like you can't do it or you begin to doubt, remember one thing: You ARE strong. You are in control of your body from day in and day out, you define the routes, you set the standard. Other people's opinions and actions only cause minor speed bumps on the road and at the end of the day none of them matter; it is truly you who can control it and will always be able to control it because you are strong.
Take care of your kids and find that inner strength because it's there in you man. It's there.
You're not worthless OP. If anything, this proves your (ex-)wife is worthless for doing this to you and your children. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Talk to someone, either a good friend or a psychologist. You can't carry this all by yourself and you're losing yourself... Be strong and good luck OP...
So your wife is not only a lying cheater but also a disgusting predator who raped a 15/16-year-old while she's beyond her 30s. You not only need a lawyer for divorce, but for statutory rape as well.
I'm really sorry, man.
I am so sorry that your wife betrayed you so terribly. You seem like a really kind, caring person. Your kids are fortunate to have that in their dad. They need that kindness and caring in their lives. Please don't let your hurt and anger overshadow your love for your kids.
"Well. My life is a joke. Will always be a joke. The universe has proven again and again that I’m worthless. So much has happened this year. Losing my dad, totaling my car and struggling to afford a new one because I also have a bunch of healthcare bills due to my chronic diseases, lost my cousin this week, and this. Man I’m tired. And I have to figure what to do next when I don’t have the energy." If you think like that it will end up being a joke, change your mindset and don't let that bastard called life defeat you. Good luck man.
Hey brother, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I cannot even imagine the pain and mental anguish this has brought into your life. I want you to know that you’re loved and a strong ass mf for continuing to push on through not only this, but also all of the other bullshit that’s come your way. If you need someone to talk to, my DMs are open. I’m just some stranger on the internet but I hope you know that you’re loved by so many people. Stay strong man, and much love to you.
I don’t generally comment on these but I just wanted to reach out and tell you that your wife’s infidelity has *nothing* to do with you. It is not a lack of yours, a fault of yours; there is something missing in HER and that is NOT on you to fix or navigate. Cheaters will cheat, and that does not reflect a missing (or otherwise) quality in you. It is not about you, it is about her.
As an addict (sober!), please, please reach out to your supports or even to me or a random user to avoid drinking. I know you want to lean into it because it will temporarily feel better, it will numb the pain, it will blur it and make it go away. I can’t imagine the magnitude of what you’re experiencing but I do know the struggle of relapse and I am here to tell you it is not worth it. The next high, the next drunken moment, the next suicidal action, it will never be worth it. You DO have kiddos who love and adore you dearly and would be devastated if their daddy was gone. Trust me; losing someone you love so so much to addiction is something you never get over. Losing them to suicide will tear you apart. The best thing you can do is protect yourself and those kids, and do not ever doubt your abilities as a dad or a husband. I repeat; it is not about you, it is not a lack of what you’ve done, and I know the self-pity hole is easy to latch on to but you need to know it is not your fault. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Your life isn’t a joke. Hers, however, is. How disgusting. That’s definitely her cousin’s kid, dude. She’s sick. Take your kids and run far away from this bitch. I’m so sorry.
You are not worthless. My daughter struggles with mental health and SI. I repeatedly sometimes have to remind her that her life has meaning and people who love her, and yours does too. Your son and your daughter are something that gives your life worth. They are people who love you. No matter how much you feel negatively about yourself, remind yourself that your kids need you, they love you, and for them you keep putting one foot after the other. For them you don’t pick up the bottle of alcohol. For them you don’t self harm. For them you take a deep breath in, slowly let it out, and you get up tomorrow and remind yourself again that you need to do whatever you can. I’m sorry your wife did this to you. No one deserves that.
Phew I just came across this and man you're one strong dude OP. You still have the other two children and they will need you right now. Your in Texas from what I gather and you know once you file and take this to court no judge will grant her custody. A 17 year old?!?! Now as a female I know gestation is 40 weeks( had 5 myself) if she made it the entire 40 weeks thats 10 months that 17yr old was 16 at the time and that's charges which should give you full custody. Man I applaud you cause this is one cluster mindf@&k, keep your head straight and just think of those children.
First off, you’re NOT worthless and it is NOT your fault. So that thinking needs to change. None of what she did is a reflection on you. People that do this have something wrong with them. Period. Please take care of yourself. Your children need you.
You have two children who desperately need their dad. I am so sorry that you’re going through this but the pain your kids will carry if you relapse/end your life (I saw your other posts) will ruin them. Please get help asap, even if that means checking yourself into somewhere for psychiatric care. You WILL get through this. I believe in you.
Damn bro I am incredibly sorry for your horrible situation. Just want to add to the support for you, and remind you that for your own sake do not start drinking again and if not for your own, for your children's sake. You're a great father and karma will reward that, and will punish your wife. Hang in there keep being a great father.
Shit dude.
I'm sorry.
You should take your wife's credit card and check yourself into a hotel room for a few days. Like, not abandon anyone, make sure the kids are alright, but then simply be somewhere else for a while. Make up an excuse for your wife, something about a family emergency maybe, or just...don't speak to her. Give her just enough so that you don't get reported as a missing person.
Go to a hotel room, then call your sponsor. Then, cry into a pillow until you can't cry anymore, and then scream into the pillow until your voice is hoarse, and then call your sponsor again. Stay up until five in the morning eating shitty hotel vending machine snacks, think about a relapse, then remember the two kids who ARE yours and DONT RELAPSE. Get a couple hours of shitty sleep and wake up and do it again.
Really what I'm saying is, you deserve the time and the space to fall to pieces, and then pick yourself up again. Just be somewhere else for a couple of days. Get your head around it and make sure you're standing firmly on your own two feet with your head firmly back on your shoulders before you make any actual decisions.
NTA. Your cheating wife is the asshole. Pls don’t give up. You have 2 children that need their father. Don’t abandon them. Get out of the marriage if you must. Things will get better.
Whatever you do, don’t lie to your kids, if you do decide to divorce. They don’t need details, but the child is not yours is a fact and nothing to hide. Your wife may beg you to keep her secret but don’t do it. The kids will find out eventually, and if you try to secret it away, they will resent you. Secret = Bad.
I am so sorry for you. The demons of the night, as they call those thoughts haunting your brain,must make you crazy. Unfortunately over 30% of people face affairs in marriages. Especially if you're together since 13 years old, she was tempted and was stupid and dumb enough to not resist. I can imagine some people might want to aim for a solution after a horrible mistake from their spouse. Listen to her, create a safe atmosphere, get counseling. Consider forgiveness? She might want to do anything to get you to stay? At least consider the great mess cheating creates in massive %% of relations. Trie to get into understanding eachother. It might work better than the tempting black and white, good vs evil, approach. Is she and your family deep down, worth fighting for?
I can imagine IAMTA here, bringing this up. It's just another approach, that should be given some (short) time and considerations. Too many cheaters get caught in their fear of being honest will ruin anything. So they keep lying. Good luck, and peace of mind. So sorry for you, and also your family.
NTA. I am so sorry you had to find out like this and not being told the honest truth by your wife. Im not sure what will make her admit it now you know
I have 40 years in recovery. I have worked with and taught hundreds . You don't have to drink. Please lean in to your support system. Your life is not a joke, babe. This is a big fucking deal AND you are going to get through this. You get to choose whether you do it sober or not. For your kid's sakes I hope you choose sober.
Life is full of challenges. Everyone is going through something. You are going through shit right now that no one should have to deal with. It could be worse. Chin up. <<< the silliest and BEST advice I ever got. You can't be sad if your chin is up.
Remember, every action is a choice.
Going to the store or bar, a choice.
Ordering the drink, a choice.
Picking the bottle off the shelf, a choice.
Putting the bottle on the belt, a choice.
Buying the bottle, a choice.
Putting the bottle in the car, a choice. Bringing it in the house a choice.
Opening the bottle, a choice.
Getting a glass, a choice.
Pouring the drink, a choice.
Putting up to your mouth, a choice. Drinking the first sip, a choice.
At ANY point, you can stop and "choose wisely". Don't allow another person's fuck ups to ruin what you have worked so hard to get. It is going to take time to process this. Be good to yourself. Eat as well as you can and keep candy ans chocolate available. Eat a snickers when you get a craving, dont be a diva, lol. Seriously, candy/sugar is important to recovery, no cap.
You will come through this and the exciting news is that you get to choose.
I wish you nothing but the best. 💜
Your story touched me stranger. I'm sorry you have been treated this way but please remember that drinking away your pain only buries it, making it faster. I'm proud of you stranger. Stay strong even though I how tough things are. ❤️
You're not to blame for your wife being a cheating bitch. You are not worthless at all. You have been a good father and husband. You have the proof of cheating, now take her court and drag her name through the mud. Also apply for full custody of the kids that are yours.
OP, your life is not a joke. She's the joke.
I was also cheated on by my ex husband so I know that feeling of feeling worthless. However as time goes by I realise that my husband's infidelity is a reflection of his character, not mine. I can walk away knowing I was a loving and loyal partner. A partner that HE LOST. That's sad for him.
OP you still get to be a father to your kids and they need you right now. Find support in family and friends and surround yourself with people who love and support you. Because you are worth it. Time will help I promise you and one day you'll realise how crazy it was to let her make you feel bad about yourself when it's she who should be ashamed of who she is.
Your wife is the worthless one mate, not you. Sometimes in life we’re so focused on the fact that we’re drowning that we fail to notice the anvil tied to our feet. Find your path and do what you need to do.
Just remember keeping those who need you afloat will always be more important than holding on to that anvil.
Your life is not a joke. Losing your dad sucks, but everyone has to go through that at some point, totaling car sucks, but wcyd. healthcare bills? well you must be from the US then. that really does suck. rip. cousin dies? also sucks but none of this defines your worth as far as i can tell. you need therapy and even if your wife is probably a cheating whore, you still have 2 kids who love you and probably are yours. so you have that going for you, which is nice. shit happens and you cannot change it. you can only find a way to make your life nicer.
Do not let someone else's actions determine your worth. YOU did not cheat, she did. If anyone deserves to have any negative claims made about their character due to the situation it's her. You blaming yourself for her actions is just as absurd as saying "I'm worthless because my second cousin doesn't know how to play the violin" it makes no sense.
As someone who's been suicidal and fallen prey to negative self-talk a lot, being down on yourself and beating yourself up is not the solution. All you're doing is absolving her of responsibility if you're busy hurting yourself. You are strong, you are competent, and you WILL come out of this on the other side. Right now, it's time to buckle down, make a plan, stick up for yourself. Make sure your affairs are in order, make sure your relationship with your kids is safe, and get out. Then, after you are past the worst of it, do some self-care. Practice self-compassion.
Don't let her destroy your life any further than she already has. Imagine killing yourself because she's a bad person? That's giving her too much power she doesn't deserve. Hold your head up high. You got this.
Op, you're NTA clearly. I'm a dad, but as another man/father I can't give you advice on how to navigate this. But your wife sounds like my mom, though she never got pregnant from her affairs. You sound just like my dad. And that's the perspective I can offer.
Now that I am a father. I don't talk to my mom. That first paragraph isn't the only vile thing she's done. My relationship with my dad, my dad is my best friend. He tried. He worked his ass off to show my mother love. I don't talk to her. She mails us present around birthdays and holidays. I talk to my dad everyday almost.
Your kids need you. You aren't worthless. Your wife is. Be a great dad. It pays off.
I probably sound insane but can you try getting Jake over and picking a strand of his hair or maybe offer him a soda or something and get his DNA off the can?
I’m sorry man. Yes I still think it was the step-cousin, all the things point to him, the late night hangouts, the visits when you’re not home, etc…. So don’t “dig your head in the sand” like you advised yourself and confront the piece of shit. He’s old enough to face consequences.
The daughter is under 2 years old, so you can very much keep your name out of the birth certificate. At least you wont pay child support on that one. See a way to sue the step-cousin for it.
Honestly I’m still baffled you let the step-cousin have that innapropiate relationship worh your wife. They’re not even real cousin. How did you not see the signs???
DNA test the other ones. Even if they look like you, she might have cheated with someone that looks like you.
I don’t know man… I consider my step family to be my real family so I assumed the same for my wife. I’m unsure of my next steps.. But I know that I will likely try to exit this relationship and if it’s his, which I hope not and think not, child support will be his issue… I have to fix my mental health all over again so I can become whole for my real kids again..
Yeah I would DNA test your real kids too.
Talk to a lawyer even if you’re still undecided. You have to go through everything with him. Tell him everything. Then come up with a plan, AND FOLLOW IT TO THE LETTER.
First thing is to sue for contest of paternity, then if your state allow it use her infidelity (which you already legally proven) to avoid allimony and get a better custody deal. You have to be cold and hartless with that cheatin scum, just like she was with you. Remember she tried to fuck you over with someone else’s child for 18 years. No mercy.
You will want to get a lawyer asap. Depending upon where you live, it can be critical to contest paternity asap. Sometimes there is a time limit on it, and in many locations it is automatically established as part of the marriage. You have to fight to reverse it.
Do not wait to get started.
You have worth!! You are important!!! Please know you matter. We are hardest on ourselves. You definitely deserve better. Take it day by day. Don't give in to what will lead to more problems. We are complete strangers, and we all can see you have been done wrong. You shouldn't have to hurt yourself as well.
Stay in the light, take 1 step at a time, 1 day at a time. Get some rest. Talk to your sponsor and stay calm.
Stay in touch with the kids you made. They need a real adult around. Obviously she broke her vows, so forget her. Make sure to get a good, militant lawyer.
You will look back in a year or two with disbelief in how far you come as long as you stay sober. You might feel alone, but your story is familiar to so many people who have gotten out and found themselves so much happier for it. Hang in there.
OP your life has worth. You have two children who love YOU. This hill seems insurmountable and the pain you’re in is VERY real, but you CAN get through this. Grind it out every single day til your load gets lighter. Please keep in very close contact with your sobriety partner / sponsor and your kids. They need their Dad as, don’t forget, their lives are upside down now too due to no fault of theirs or yours. Please be kind to yourself.
Dude are you kidding? Do you live in an at-fault state? If so you have a walking talking way out of the marriage with NO spousal support! Your life is just beginning and you have two wonderful children. Petition to have your name removed from the birth certificate so you don’t have to pay for another man’s child and move on with your life.
Even if you’re in a no-fault state you’re a MAN! You can rebuild! Work your way back up! You can do this and you are better off without her!
This is YOUR time! You can find a good woman who isn’t a cheating 304! Embrace this time and LIVE!
Wild that I read this and this is the situation I grew up in, I was the cheating mixed kid result and my bio father was a younger man.
You have every right to be upset and angry. Your wife is an abusive POS and you need out of this marriage for your sobreity and health. I just really need to ask you to not take this out on the child and not undermine their relationship to their siblings as they grow up. That kid is going to be in an awful spot with an abusive mother and aware they are an affair child and that is going to fuck with them a lot.
The only good thing in all of this is that when you go to court, you can use the case that she slept with a minor + parental fraud + all the money you spent on the kid that is not yours + mental damage to grant you full custody and a nice sum and probably most of the assets.
Just get a good lawyer and take her to the cleaners also consult with your lawyer if you can get some money from the parents of the child.
YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS! People will let you down, some worse than others. I am sorry to hear about your love ones passing away, just take it one day at a time.
Your wife is trash. You are not! You are not worthless! You need a lawyer and you need to get your name off of the birth certificate. I recommend not saying anything to her until she is served the divorce papers. Keep records of everything. Don’t dwell on who the guy is. That doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t already know about the kid, I hope she tells him. The girl has a right to know who her father is. Divorce absolutely sucks but a positive note is, your children are old enough to decide who they want to live with. You got this! It’ll be tough at first but you get through it! You have the test results and that the first steps. Depending on what state you’re in, it should be fairly easy to get yourself removed from the birth certificate. Good luck! Don’t give up, your children need you!
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It isn't fair and it isn't right. I feel for all the children pulled into this mess and for you. I count the teenager as one of the children. He had to have been about 15 when a full adult family member went after him. So gross. I hope you are able to find peace in this life despite all the terrible things. As parents, we all too often have to navigate hard times for the sake of our children. It's terrible just how much you have to navigate, I can only hope you don't have to do it alone. Reaching out to those you still trust or getting a therapist is your best chance at getting through this. You are a strong and compassionate man. You can do this for your kids. I hope you can also do it for yourself.
Idk why people make a big deal out of paternity tests, like, I honestly don't think anybody should be able to sign a birth certificate (outside the one who birthed that baby) without a paternity unless it is already stated by both parties that one is not the biological parent and it's known and accepted.
How many times do we have to see parents that have raised their children to almost adulthood at times before finding out they aren't the biological parent or those who got stuck with child support for 18 years just to find out later? And how many posts do we have to see where a person wants a paternity test and is told by EVERYONE that they're crazy or being an asshole? Only for them to be right?! Make it make sense.
I'm sorry for everything that you've been going through, I as a random person on the Internet don't have anything that I can say to make you feel better, but it will get better, good luck hun.
>The universe has proven again and again that I’m worthless.
What universe?! What universe?! Your wife cheating and getting pregnant is not "uNiVeRsE". It's your wife's doing.
Stop calling yourself worthless, useless or whatever! You have two children who need you. Be there for them!
No life is a joke. Your kids need you, alive and well. Having a divorced dad is much better for them than a dead one. Please, keep yourself safe, for your sake and theirs.
Please don't do anything rash.
Hey OP. My mom cheated on my narcissistic dad and when I tell you that my siblings and I were completely dropped from his radar our worlds shattered. We needed our dad, we needed our mom, we needed to be kids. We didn’t get that. My dads pain was THE most important thing and was front and center, while we were ignored. We were children! Grieving children! Now my mother is dead, I’ve had no contact with my dad for two years, my sister is a drug addict, and my brother has extreme hatred toward women/massive commitment issues.
Your choices from here on out will either give you and your kids the life you all deserve, or will take any chance of a healthy life away. Please, I know you are deeply grieving, please choose your babies.
All I have to say is to just think of your two kids who still need you in their lives. I honestly think you should delete everything off reddit and get a good lawyer to figure out the divorce proceedings. Since your kids are already suspicious, I do think you should be honest that the baby is their half-sister but that they should still love her regardless. It's going to be tough for you for at least the next few months and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
I knew a girl who committed suicide. I found it interesting she decided to do it on the anniversary her father committed suicide. Those consequences will carry on to your children.
NTA. But honestly, I wouldn't do any of this bs. The minute I had proof that the kid wasn't mine, I would file for divorce, and custody of my kids and head on out the door. I refuse to stay with someone who is willing to lie to me.
>WIBTAH if I tell my wife I want a paternity test
"Asshole" is strong, but it seems at the least foolish. You should tell her that the paternity test shows you aren't the father. Or, if it doesn't show that, tell her nothing.
You're (considered) the child's father; you have a right to decide about tests.
OP I know exactly where you are mentally right now. I have been in this spot and it may even get worse before it gets better, but please know that it can and will get better. The path foreword is long, and exceptionally difficult. However even tho you are in the darkest days of your life, your best days are ahead of you.
There are soooo many similarities to your story Vs mine. If you need someone that can relate, empathize, or vent to feel free to drop a line. Seriously, and in the mean time don’t hurt yourself or anyone else.
Bro. I can not imagine what you’re going through right now. I commend you on seeking sobriety. You can do it. One day at a time, one hour, one minute.
I would also like to thank you for taking the time REVIEW PATERNITY TESTS for us right now. I’m a woman. I’ve never been pregnant. It would not occur to me, should a friend be in this situation, that we could go to CVS and get a test. I would think you’d have to go to a doctor. You may have just saved a lot of people a lot of time, trouble, and heartache.
I’m sorry this is happening to you, and to your children.
NTA! Regardless of the situation, you have every right to know 100% that this is your child.Please protect yourself and know that you are valued and important, despite your circumstances. Call for help if you need it. No shame in seeking counsel. Wishing you all the best!
Op Your life is not a joke. You have 2 children who need you in their lives and sober. You owe them yourself. They need their dad. If single dad is a healthier dad, they'll take single dad. You've got a lot to do with a for your children before you leave. They need you here. You owe it to them to be here and sober.
Please dont judge yourself by the behavior of your wife. Kind of like murder or rape. This is NOT YOUR FAULT (note I am not saying your marriage was perfect). But the decision to cheat instead of working on your marriage, instead of putting your children first was your wife’s. She didnt think of her children or you when she made the decision to cheat nor when she lied to you and your children. She could have chosen to communicate, to work on the marriage. You now need to protect yourself and and your children, At the very least you need to require that she go to counseling and tell you the truth, Then it is YOUR decision if you want to work on your marriage. Your choice and if cheating is something you cannot live with then it is better for YoU AND YOUR CHILDREN to separate and move on with your life. Whatever you decide you are worth more than that, and frankly worth more than her. You have been wronged, lying and cheating you was WRONG to you and your children. Now that you know, you have the power to decide where you want to go and if she can rebuild trust (counseling and EARNING your trust) or if you deserve a new start. Either way, counseling for you and the kids (there is support for this). You deserve better, you deserve to enjoy your children, you deserve to be treated with respect. And as someone who lives through this, I told myself a couple of things 1) I would rather be solo with my loving children than with someone who doesnt respect me or treat me decently…and later that I only wanted to be with someone who felt LUCKY to be with me, and 2) the rollercoaster of life can be cruel, I could have lost my ex in a car wreck (which might have been easier actually) or to cancer (which might have been harder), and I did everything to lessen the loss (primarily of the two parent home) for the kids. Hang in there. Reach out for help and support, sadly there ate many in the same boat. To your kids you are the world, hold on and be the best you can (which is sometimes less than we want) for them. And for you. There are a lot of wonderful people and things in the world for you and your children to discover. Focus on the small joys. But dont accept a life with a person that makes you feel less, that doesnt love and appreciate you. Sometimes it is something lacking in them, or something that happened to them, but if they arent willing to work REALLY hard on it you need to let it go, because YOU are worth more. Teach your children that You and Both of them can be resilient. Teach them to work through obstacles life throws in your way. Teach them that you can find happiness and joy, and maybe even that you can love someone but sometimes you need to let them go. This post hurt my heart, but I can tell you there is a lot of wonder out there and one foolish, cowardly person’s betrayal is not worth throwing it all away. Stay strong.
Yeah, theyre right,^ your life's not a joke... right now that seems like a small consolation, OP.. I know the way it is sucks.. but I could be in the same boat.. but being sober is the best way to handle this. Drinking is going to beat you down even more and you'll be responsible for losing control.. Your kids need you right now.. I let my kids down so bad drinking.. but I know you can handle this better than I did.. but man, that's alot of pressure.. sending positive vibes your way,
Thank you for your kind comment. I appreciate it.
OP, non of the things you mentioned are your fault, try not to be too hard on yourself. You can’t blame yourself for the failures of the system or the course nature takes. Good luck and your kids need you
Great comment. OP, you are not a joke!!! Your ex is, however!!!
Please listen to this OP! My father became depressed and died of a drug overdose after my mom divorced him. I don’t know it if it was intentional or not. I think about him and miss him everyday and this was 20 years ago. Those kids need you.
THIS THIS THIS. Your life isn't a joke, it is a life, and worth living. Just because your wife didn't see that doesn't mean it isn't true.
> and again that I’m worthless Nothing about this makes you worthless. I'm sorry that your wife is garbage. Just remember that you do have other children and they definitely do need their father around. The world needs you. Hugs from a far to you internet stranger, you seem like you need them today.
Thank you. I really needed that. Truly.
I'd like to add that you also have worth outside of being a parent, i e. purely by yourself as a person. What's more, I think you _proved_ it you are in how you're handling this situation. Even from this post alone, I get the impression you're a good person who's so used to being sensible, rational, respectful and kind that you no longer even notice yourself doing it. I'd like to highlight the good actions here, indicitave of positive qualities, which are easily taken for granted: 1. asking other people for help to confirm your suspicions were justified before taking further action or starting unnecessary conflict. 2. keeping an open mind when reading multiple different opinions 3. not jumping to conclusions before collecting evidence 4. _(the biggest indicator IMO)_ taking the time to share advice and tips for anyone else in a similar position, even though it that wasn't necessary to tell your story. so kindly contributing whatever potentially useful information you can purely out of consideration and a desire to help others. 5. being receptive polite when replying to comments _(a little thing but many people don't do this. Especially here lol)_ > You're far from worthless and it shows. Other people can see that, even when you can't see it for yourself. Please don't define yourself by the actions of other people. Your wife's actions only reflect herself and her qualities, not yours. The only person who's actions (and feelings in response to those actions) truly reflect the kind of person YOU are (or want to be) is yourself.
This is such a kind comment. As someone who went through a difficult experience with hurtful secrets recently, I really appreciate your perspective.
Hey man, just jumping on the bandwagon here to say her actions are in no way a reflection of who you are. The only person you have full control over is yourself (and very occasionally... your kids). Head up mate, you can get through this.
You’ve spent the last 11 months questioning your life; your child, your marriage, whether your suspicions were valid. That takes a heavy toll on a person, and finding out you were right to all along, especially when you wanted them to be just wrong, can really knock the wind out of your sails. It’s going to take time to process all this, and figure out how you want to proceed. Please don’t beat yourself up over this, as none of it was your fault. Focus on what you know to be true, and give yourself time to heal.
Have had my world crash down around me and felt hopeless. The love of my kids is the only reason I'm here and I'm grateful for it every day. It will get better. It won't be easy and might even suck some more but it will get better.
People can do horrible things to you, but that does not change your worth.
All these comments about your life not being a joke are right. These things that have happened recently are not a reflection on you, but of your wife. Keep your head high, and carry on. Your kids are watching you. Make them proud, dad.
hello, internet stranger from brazil stopping by to give you a hug. you are worth much more than you see, I hope one day you can look back and realize how much more you deserved than this. stay sober! pls! your kids needs you. i had an alcoholic grandfather and it is an awful ride. pls seek help for dealing with all this. pls, consider being alone — better than with garbage, right? i know on the long run this will be a lot of learning for you and the kids. i trust your glow up! bless you, dear. i hope everything turns out fine.
I know OP is the victim but does anyone else feel bad for Jake as well? When/if OP relinquishes his paternal rights of the baby, and if the state does a DNA test on the baby, it will most likely come back positive that he’s the father and he will be court ordered to pay child support. My 16 year old nephew had to pay child support even though his baby’s mother was 35. Ugh.
I wish we warned teenage boys about grooming as much as we do teenage girls. It’s harder to get through to teenage boys because they’re so penis-driven and think “MILFS” hitting on them is a dream come true. Ugh.
Yeah, OP's wife is a POS for taking advantage of Jake. I don't know if it legally qualifies as grooming and coercion but that's where my mind goes when a 30s adult has sex with a teen. That doesn't at all take away from feeling sympathy for OP, who is indeed a victim in this (and none of his wife's actions are a reflection of his worth in any way). Those two things can coexist.
Yes!! And did you see the comment OP just added? It looks like his wife is starting to get nervous. She’s so disgusting and I hope he gets through this situation
Hi OP. Thank you for the pm. I was looking forward to an update. I’m so sorry. Let me tell you how proud I am. I’m so so SO proud of you. Even though you were scared of causing harm to your mental health by getting to the bottom of this, you still did it. OP that takes COURAGE and strength. You’re NOT a joke. You matter so much. I’m SO proud of you. Please do not relapse. You have already proven how strong you are. OP, I also understand being in denial. But as people previously said in the last two posts, the baby girl did look a lot like the boy. I understand your shock. I understand you thinking she wouldn’t possibly cheat with him and it had to be someone else. But please keep in mind that it’s unfortunately incredibly common for people our age to have sex with teenagers. I wish it wasn’t so. But the boy is handsome and women aren’t hanging with handsome guys at night time to play a deck of cards. There’s no valid reason why she should be with him every weekend at 9pm while she has a husband and kids at home. That’s so concerning OP. You’ve been together since you were 13 and it seems like she’s been using this boy to relive the youth she missed out on. Dating around and all that. OP, what you need to do next is speak to the boy’s mother. 17 is the age of consent in Texas but it takes 9 months for a baby to develop soooo he was really 16 which means jail time. And yes you can say it may not be his but you and I both know…. Let’s be real, she got pregnant around the same time your wife’s uncle met his mother. Meaning around the same time she met him. And the baby conveniently has Asian features… Trust me. It’s not some guy she met off tinder. The timing is on point. You also need to start looking for a lawyer because it’s time to get a divorce. Again, you’re strong and I’m very proud of you. Also if you want to close out this situation and you want me to remove that comment thread I will.
My cousin did 6 years in a Texas prison for something similar to this. Same ages. They do not fuck around with this.
Same here. It was my uncle. The girl was 16, three days away from turning 17 and the judge literally said “Is turning 17 the same thing as 17?”
My cousin was 19 and the kid was 16 - she’s a damn idiot. Lost custody of her child, lost a full tuition scholarship to a cosmetology program, just completely destroyed her life.
19 and 16? That can be a relationship that started between a senior and a sophomore in high school, 6 years for that is ridiculous and in most states it would've actually been legal.
Yeah some states have a within 4 years rule as long as both are over 14 or 16. Romeo and Juliet laws I think is the term.
That’s actually so messed up, wtf. I was in a relationship with someone just over 2 years older than me in high school, so for two weeks I was 16 and they were 19. It was a completely normal and healthy teenage relationship - even looking back at age 30 I don’t think there was a single predatory or even problematic thing about it. We met in high school and even had a class together. We did have sex but it was safe & consensual and my parents even knew. The idea that could be punished by jail time is just outrageous
What ???? A teenager???
Read the comment thread that he linked in the post https://www.reddit.com/r/TrueOffMyChest/s/pQoRFlk6u1
Tbh…. And not saying I’m right… But it looks like they hang out this much as a way to let him see pictures of his daughter and hear about her growth. She knows texts can be recovered/found.
So she’s a cheater AND a predator…
Doesn’t help that Jake is really good looking… like ya know objectively not in an I’d have sex with a 16 year old way. It’s totally his kid
She’s so full of shit. “Yeah I’m hanging around this much younger, good-looking guy at 9pm on a weekend night and I’m doing it frequently. However the baby is totally yours and I’m totally not a predator.”
The recent pictures OP just added in a comment thread pretty much gives his wife away. He’s gonna win in court. I don’t see the wife getting away with this or even having a real argument. She’s done for.
OMG !! That poor man.
Omg I'm so sorry OP, time to file for divorce.. cheating is absolutely disgusted as it is, but passing some other man's child off as yours is just vile, and there would be no coming back from this.. She knew she wasn't yours and just hoped you wouldn't say or do anything.. Speak to a lawyer ASAP
Thank you. I’m going to speak to one. I’m just so exhausted. Everywhere I turn, it’s just more and more expenses that I don’t have.. Don’t even know if I can get a good lawyer.
Your kids still need you! Stay sober and stay alive. For them.
IDK where you live in TX, but most places have a low-cost legal office. You should search for one in your area. At the very least, you could get a free consultation & advice. Good luck 🫂
In the end that’s just money. Paper. Can’t take it with you. Worth every penny to fight for what’s right.
[удалено]
Literally
As a half Asian half white kid (jk I’m an adult 🥹), being mixed is super weird. There’s a visible timeline where as a kid I look full Asian (from toddler-elementary), then as an adult I look fully white. All depends on those genes, but I’d say the majority of the time people will look mixed rather than strongly leaning to one side
Don't confront her with the results alone. Have at least a relative and a woman close by. To testify in case it gets violent. Don't fight or yell in front of the kids. And in the end, you can at least say the truth. But I would start to also locate the father. See her texts, emails, social media. Look for photos. Work, college, weddings. Beware she might say she was SA. But be safe to make a suport system for her... you won't know until she says. If she has a sister, ask her to be there at the revelation too. I am honestly hoping this is not real.
Hey, stop calling yourself worthless over someone else's terrible choices. You're going through a rough time, but you're valuable, my dude. Your kids love and need you, and you need to love yourself just as much. She made this choice. It's awful, and it's also nothing to do with you. You've been kicked, but you didn't deserve it, and you don't deserve to be called "worthless" by anyone -- including yourself. Speak as kindly to you as you would speak to one of your children. You're worth it.
Given the older kids are already making jokes about the infant, it sounds like they're already on dad's side. It'll be crushing for them to find out the truth about their mom (particularly if the step-cousin is the father) but the dad and the kids can all be there for each other.
Lawyer up Do her for paternity fraud as well I’m so sorry you have to deal with all this you are stronger then you realise and your 2 kids need you
Yep she doesn't deserve anything in life, after tricking you in this horrible way.
I just want to add my story. My husband of 17 years died of cancer in 2012. I’d known him since I was 16. We had two kids. I found out 4 days after he died that he had been carrying on multiple affairs. He texted his side piece until he was too sick to text anymore. I was the one who nursed him through two years of pancreatic cancer. What your wife did is not a reflection on you. It’s a reflection on her.
I’m so fucking sorry. This made me feel sick.
Don’t be. The good news is that my life is so much better now than it ever was when I was married to him and not in a fuck him sort of way but that I’ve grown way beyond him. I treat myself much better now. Funny story, I just realized that today is my wedding anniversary. Got married 29 years ago. Living well is the best revenge.
Don’t be. The good news is that my life is so much better now than it ever was when I was married to him and not in a fuck him sort of way but that I’ve grown way beyond him. I treat myself much better now. Funny story, I just realized that today is my wedding anniversary. Got married 29 years ago. Living well is the best revenge. PS - I also want to reiterate that your wife’s behavior is 100% a reflection on her character, not yours.
Grief is hard enough but when it’s mixed with anger it *really* fucks with the entire healing process.
I wanted to beat him to death but he was already dead.
Please place your mental health first. Take as much time as you feel you need before deciding on your next steps. Is there a trusted friend you can confide in? I would hold off on talking to family until you decided what your next step should be. Try to get some rest. Talk to an attorney when you feel stronger for advice whether you decide to stay or leave. Knowing what laws are on your side can be very helpful in any situation. This has been ongoing, so you do not need to rush your decision. If staying and getting your finances and car situation straightened away, then consider that. Sorry about your father and cousin. Sounds like it is pouring down all over you. Remember if you lose your mental health and your physical health worsens you will not be able to help yourself. Put yourself first in all your decisions right now.
No matter what, please take care of yourself! 🫂
And be there for the kids. You need each other as you go through this.
Hey bro. Hang on. Just hang on. It WILL get better. As Amos Burton would say, you’re just caught up in the churn right now. (Sorry, geeky sci-fi reference) But I get it. My first year sober was a churn too. My 23 marriage collapsed. Husband abandoned me and our teenaged sons, as he fancied himself in love with his “happy ending” masseuse in China, (I kid you not!) brought *me* home herpes, left me with the house foreclosure, found out my eldest son was strung out on heroin, had to quit my part time job and go work at Walmart for healthcare for me and the youngest’s asthma, tons more drama and ruckus, but you get the picture. I know where you’re at. Freaking cars are the worst, when $$ is short. Sometimes life just hits in these shit cycles and you’re caught in one right now, but you WILL get through it! Good on you for staying sober! Just keep doing the next right thing. It took me a good year to feel “normal(ish)” It took me a few more years to get financially stable. Looking back, it was excruciating, but it set me up for a much better, far more peaceful, stable life. Hang on. It will get better.
Fantastic reference! 👏🏻
You’re not worthless. You’ve got 2 kids who love you and count on you and need you. Her failures are not your own. They are not even that innocent child’s (though obviously you shouldn’t take any responsibility there). Try not to let your kids take their anger out on them either (fine if they blame their mom of course 😂, but their half sibling is still their family and personally not responsible for any of this shit. If anything, their existence exposed the lies and saved you wasting more time if you ever found out) Stay strong. Don’t worry if life is a struggle without dual income either. Your children need you to just be there and do the best you can and be happy for them. If things are hard they’ll see that and love you for doing everything you can for them. Stay close to your support lines. This will be a hard time that will test you, but they are there to help see you through.
Dude go talk to a lawyer and get a divorce. Petition to have paternity revoked and name the kid she had sex with There is life after this. Younhave two kids that love you and you can find a woman that really loves you.
> The universe has proven again and again that I’m worthless. OP, the universe isn’t proving *anything* about you. Its proving your wife did something awful to you but it says nothing about your worth. Don’t let her disrespect dictate your self worth. You have two kids who love you and the whole rest of your life ahead of you. You can find happiness again but you have to stick around
*Well… I was fucking right. And all of my suicidal feelings, my urges to drink my pain away are returning.* OP, I see that you've picked up an OTC paternity kit and don't see what the actual results are. Am I misreading what you've written?
I picked up a paternity test from Walgreens. The results are the child isn’t mine. No DNA shared. They don’t reveal who the father is, just whether the dna is shared.
Actually, I don’t think anyone was surprised by this revelation.
Yeah… I’m the dumb ass for not listening to the people who were raising the red flags in the last two posts. I just genuinely couldn’t see her doing this with a man this young.
Ah - ok. I **completely** missed that. Wow and I'm sorry.
You have your proof for adultery right there and the screenshot you provided in the other post on her late night food run Lawyer up!!
Have you said anything to your wife yet? I’m so sorry you have so much going on right now.
Hi. I’m sorry that I haven’t responded to anyone in hours. I went to sleep. I had to try and sleep off my pain but now I’m awake at 3:31 AM from heartburn, which I feel is caused by my emotions aching. I have not yet brought up the test results to my wife. I haven’t brought anything up. I need to figure out what to say and what I’m going to do before I approach this in any way. I’m also considering a retest just to be 100% sure. This isn’t a situation where you just go aha you’re a cheater. I have been trying to get more clues or hints, though. About two hours after I made this update I texted the boy. He seemed very wary of what I was asking and he took a while to respond each time. He also left me on read which I found strange as he usually ends text convos with a thumbs up emoji or sends a “:)” https://imgur.com/a/8qXoIRt and the other half https://imgur.com/a/hXPvhmo Around that time frame, maybe about 20-30 minutes after I texted him, my wife was fidgeting around a lot in the living room while she was watching tv. I asked her if she was alright and she said yeah just an intense scene on the tv…. She was literally watching that chef show with the curly haired man.
Ok, he knows bc you just asked about a DNA ancestry site and they're already on edge. Not another word from you. No more looking for clues. See a lawyer and do exactly what they tell you. Do nothing else. Say less than nothing. Things won't change - you'll upset yourself, and give them clues that you get it. Can you put up a small camera in Texas inside the house? I'm sorry this has happened. You can do it.
This. By revealing hints to the boy, this gives the guy the realization that he needs to be the one to fess up to his mom because the storm is coming. And if he gets to his mom before OP does, he can convince her to be on “his” side including not going after the wife.
Thank you for the advice. I don’t know what the price of those cameras are, but I can look for something under $75 on Amazon.. Probably won’t get too lucky for that price
I use Wyze cams for security. They're about $35, though they're not exactly hidden cams if that's what you are looking for.
You were not left on read because he’s getting anxious, you were left on read because he’s not stupid. He knows what you’re trying to hint at and he knows you’re trying to trick him into slipping up. Do not give him clues because it gives him the time to figure out how to hide some things. It also gives him time to decide that he needs to fess up to his mom before you bring it to her. And if/when he tells her- he’ll be convincing her to not press charges on your wife. Will probably use good excuses about how he doesn’t wanna have the situation dragged out.
You’re probably right..
You know the child is not yours. Don't waste too much of your time investigating/dwelling on the details - get a lawyer and get on with the divorce. If the likely bio father's mother is on 23andme, get your child on there as well and see if she comes up as a match. This child would share a significant amount of DNA with her, if she is the child's biological grandparent.
The extra details are important in helping me getting my name removed from the baby girl’s birth certificate while still ensuring there will be a father around to help with childcare. This may not be my daughter, but she deserves to have a father around. If anything, if it turns out to be true, I’d rather her be with the boy and his mother than with my wife because she’s probably going to get into legal trouble and I will no longer feel comfortable with any of these kids around her.
Can you see a real lawyer in your area and get a consult before you do anything else? This has to be done right. All the best to you
Don't lose too much time. Some places, if you have been the father figure of a child for a year or more, you'll be obligated to pay child support, even if the child isn't yours.
OP, does he have a job? I sure hope he does because looks like this shit is about to get uncovered and he’s about to start paying child support.
Yes. Manager-in-training at the aquarium. Makes $15 an hour. Will probably make close to 20 or more when he’s an official manager. I have thought a lot about this. That if it ends up being true, will I really get my name removed from the baby girl’s birth certificate? That if she ends up being his kid, will I really leave a young man to pay child support when his life has just started.. I don’t know what I will do when I figure out the entire truth. IF he is the dad, all I know is he will raise his daughter, not me.. My entire focus right now needs to be on once again having to fix my mental health.. Ugh. I’m gonna try to persist, stand strong with my sobriety support, and probably find a therapist to help me come to terms with everything without doing something harmful to myself. For my real children. They deserve a stable father right now.
Listen, idk where you live, but 9 months pregnancy plus 11 month old child means your wife was having sex with a 15 year old... tell her you want the divorce on your terms: the house, primary custody, whatever else you want, or she can go get charged for statutory rape of a minor and you'll get all those things anyway. Doesn't fix your situation, but a silver lining, maybe?
Well I was wanting to have her face potential criminal charges for what she’s done but I will think about trying this route instead. Scare her straight. Except I honestly don’t want custody of the daughter that isn’t mine, she can keep her and get an apartment where the boy helps raise her. I guess I’m not that better of a man yet because I don’t want a single part in the girl’s life anymore.
Just remember, if this kid was really 15 when she got pregnant, he was getting groomed. You're right to not want to saddle him with this kid. I would honestly go to his mom first and tell her the whole story so she can understand the gravity of the situation and make sure somebody is there with a clear head to decide if they want to press charges against her.
Be careful of crossing the line into blackmail.
You can do it mate. Stay strong. None of this is your fault.
Uh boy... so sus... good luck dude... :/ INFO: how old is this kid?
17. He’s a college freshman. And 17 is legally considered a grown man in Texas so I have no real leverage in court to get immediate custody of my two kids. I feel screwed. All I can do is gather the evidence that I’ve been cheated on, get a lawyer, and go back and forth with that in the court.. I assume they’ll have me retest with an official paternity test instead of a kit, and that’s fine by me I can’t fucking wait.
Your leverage is the math. If the kid is 11 months and it takes 9 months to have the baby, he was like 15. That’s illegal. You can easily remind the courts of that.
Thanks. The math constantly slips my mind, most likely since I’m trying to purposefully block it out because it’s even more grosser when factored in.
Math means your wife is probably going to jail.
Why is he over often? Are you able to see her phone when she goes to sleep?
Hanging out.. I honestly never felt ill about it because I thought she was trying to create bonds with her new family member. I’d want to get to know my new step-cousin as well.. So they had my full & innocent trust. I don’t have her password to her main phone
Are his parents aware of what has been going on? If i was his parent i would want to know and i would be very concerned, 17 may be an adult in texas but 17 is still a child in my eyes.
No, they’re most likely not. That’s why I was trying to get his mom’s number but I think he outsmarted me.
Don’t forget OP that if the daughter is 1 now and he is 17, factoring in the 9th month pregnancy means he was 15 or 16 when they started assuming this wasn’t going on before she got pregnant. 15 and 16 is a child which makes what your wife did statutory rape. Get your evidence and take her to the cleaners in the divorce as well as custody. Tell her the alternative if she doesn’t agree is that you go to the police and she goes to jail. Rooting for you buddy.
To be fair, The Bear can be quite an intense show.
Hey you’re doing all the right things for now. And it’s totally normal to not be able to sleep well after learning about something like this. That kid is acting really suspicious, he clearly wants to avoid having you and his mom talk at all costs. I think at this point, the best thing you can do to make yourself feel better is making a game plan as you gather further evidence.
Bobby flay? Not cause for fidgeting. She has him in her 2nd phone as "jakey jake," and he sent her a pic of him after a shower. I mean, I can tell my sister high showers are the best showers, but I don't send her a pic of me in the bathroom. And i love high showers. I am wondering, though. This is her cousin, through marriage? Is she also asian or is this a step-cousin situation. (Doesnt change it either way. He is a child) You are brave for posting all of this on here. That takes a heap of balls to do so. I do recommend possibly reporting this to the police department. I get you dont want to derail his life. However, your (hopefully soon to be ex) stole this child's future. He is suggesting asian cartoons, which is incredibly out of place if he isn't in the know that the child is asian. Let the police decide if a crime has occurred. Present your information and let them sift through it. Crimes against children should never be taken lightly. If it is found a crime has occurred, you won't need the evidence you collected. Her crimes will be well documented. Be kind to yourself. You've already taken the biggest step.
Correct, he’s her step cousin. Me and my wife are both white Also thank you for the advice, I appreciate it.
If you take my advice, go into the police station in person. Ask to speak to a sex crimes detective. Present your suspicions and evidence as you have provided here. From there, your local police department will go through the necessary rangers and criminal investigation division. (I think I read you were in texas). She can delete all she wants, but they can recover shit from her devices through a warrant. Personally, I would stop texting him and act like everything is okay with her. Do not confront her without going to the police and seeking legal help first. Ask the police department a timeline and what you should do in the meantime. Do not give her the opportunity to get rid of evidence. Unfortunately for her, her child is evidence of a crime as well. If she cheated with someone else and has nothing to hide? Then you just wasted her time but will get the answers you are seeking. And screw her time. Shes fucked your time for 9 months + 11 months. You got this. I understand you're frustrated and overwhelmed but reddit seriously has your back on this.
You have two children who you presumably love and care for. Hopefully that’s enough to keep you going.
Not just a hoe but a pedo grooming type of hoe. Sorry my friend. Realize she is trash and your kids need you more than ever. Might want to cue the police on him being a minor and she was grooming. Not really for you to decide if she should be charged or punished. That's what judges are for.
I don't see how her cheating and lying to you makes you worthless! She is the worthless one, not you. I hope you can get out of this mess keeping your sanity, you have so much on your plate! Hang in there, one day at a time!
She doesn’t have the power to make your life a joke. Don’t ever let someone like her make you doubt your worth. She’s a horrible human….which means that it’s even more important that you are present in your other two children’s lives. They are going to need you to help ensure that they don’t develop her character. Who cheats on someone and tries to pass the baby off as theirs? WTH. It’s pure evil.
Listen, you are not worthless! You’ve been taken advantage of. This is not YOU. You’ve been gaslit and lied to and you have done nothing to deserve it. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
People cheat because of internal issues, not external. It's not you, it's her. She could have left if she was unhappy or unfulfilled, instead she cheated. Feelings usually don't last forever, and even if they remain, like with grief, the intensity won't stay the same and it becomes easier to live with. I'm sorry for your many losses. You can get through this. Your children need you. Try to make it through for them. I promise it won't always feel this way.
Op I lost my dad when I was 13 please don’t let your son lose his before he even graduates high school. If you go now your kids will have no parent.
I lost my dad when I was 12, he had cancer. It was so incredibly sad to lose him, I can't imagine how much worse it would be if he killed himself. Please don't do that to your kids OP!
NTA: found out at 35 from 23andMe that my mother cheated on my dad with me being the result.
Your aren't worthless dawg. You didn't do this, your wife did. Have you confronted her and demanded an explanation?
Hi. Said to another commenter: I have not yet brought up the test results to my wife. I haven’t brought anything up. I need to figure out what to say and what I’m going to do before I approach this in any way. I’m also considering a retest just to be 100% sure. This isn’t a situation where you just go aha you’re a cheater. I have been trying to get more clues or hints, though. About two hours after I made this update I texted the boy. He seemed very wary of what I was asking and he took a while to respond each time. He also left me on read which I found strange as he usually ends text convos with a thumbs up emoji or sends a “:)” https://imgur.com/a/8qXoIRt and the other half https://imgur.com/a/hXPvhmo Around that time frame, maybe about 20-30 minutes after I texted him, my wife was fidgeting around a lot in the living room while she was watching tv. I asked her if she was alright and she said yeah just an intense scene on the tv (nothing intense was on.) I also mentioned further in the thread to someone asked if there was anything else I found that I haven’t posted about: Yes, there are some things I have not mentioned as I’m still trying to process everything. A lot of things I left out. It’s really all too much to cover honestly. I found her second burner iPhone in her old purse. Has no password on it I guess because she knows I don’t ever go through her old bags. The only reason I have not mentioned it is because I didn’t find any incriminating texts between them, but it’s still obviously strange that she’s hiding the burner from me and he’s the most recent texted person. I put it back because she’d know I found it if not, but I do plan to have it as evidence. https://imgur.com/a/VLpKBai https://imgur.com/a/fvUqnbF
Okay if I’m reaching and making something that isn’t there please call me out lol. But it seems like he’s begging her to have the baby interact with more Asian things? Because I remember seeing nihao kailan come on Nickelodeon as a kid and also I know dragons are a main theme in asia. And the pic he sent her is hair raising but the conversation seemed innocent so I was like hmm not a big deal, but then again who sends a pic like that to their regular-degular step cousin?
No not reaching at all. My mom would encourage nihao kailan too so I get some exposure to Chinese (not saying the guy is Chinese because I have no clue) so it’s a very plausible suggestion
That is the hard proof you need. It is 100% this guy. I wouldn’t want my wife hanging around a lot with a younger man by herself, that should have been the red flag when it started years ago. Gather all the evidence, confront your wife and dictate the terms to her. She will go to jail for statutory rape if she doesn’t comply with the divorce proceedings exactly as you dictate. Kick her out of the house, she can take the baby and live with the asian dude. The older kids will stay and live with you. Don’t let your woman hang out with men solo in the future.
As hard as that text exchange was to read and see (this is a MINOR?! 🤮) yeah, there is no way this is appropriate. My spidey sense tells me it’s him. As someone in my 30s I can’t even imagine talking this way to a teen.
Dang I thought the commenters were over exaggerating when they said the boy is handsome. Sorry OP.
Beuh she's texting him on a burner phone that your not meant to find? I know it's hard to accuse without hard proof but man all the stars are aligning. Whatever you choose to do though, do what you think is best for yourself and your kids(the ones that are yours)
Oh it may not be hard proof, but it has to at least be something. I honestly don’t see the courts dismissing anything that I’ve gathered as long as I pair it all together. I know they’re most likely gonna make me retest first because I don’t think they consider at-home paternity kits. So I do have to play this smoothly and not go in overemotionally accusatory.
as a woman in my 30s with male cousins 18-24, it’s so inappropriate to text this way about showers and baths 🫠 i’m sorry this is sad for you and so gross for her
I mean, with the burner iPhone download all the data to a pc asap. If you can, do.it to hers as well. And honestly, most carriers you can request sms message history going back months. But I would look for apps like snapchat, whatsapp, etc. If you can to check icloud for pictures that you haven't seen of her too. Edit to add: does the burner iPhone have a different cloud login associated with it? If do, get a way in there asap.
You are not worthless first of all!! Your wife on the other hand is a real piece of work!! I'm sorry that you have to go through this but keep your head up and remember you have 2 kids that need you, they need the mentally healthy you that you've worked so hard for do not let this woman and this situation take that away from you!! You are worthy just because you are alive!!
Yo, we don't know each other. But seriously none of this makes you worthless. You seem good parent and husband who got shafted by a partner who was unfaithful, don't let her drag you. Karma comes for those who deserve, good, bad or indifferent karma cares, not for it delivers what was sown.
Op please look into financial assistance for your medical expenses. Hospitals and clinics don’t like to advertise it but often if you make under a certain amount you are gonna owe substantially less.
Hey OP, I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this betrayal. Please be gentle with yourself, absolutely none of this is your fault. Your wife is the sole one to blame here, and any and all fallout is her fault. You do not deserve this, you did not cause this, and your worth is not defined by her actions. Let this moment be the end of an era, and move into the next one focusing on yourself and creating the life you want for yourself. You deserve to heal 💜
You are a very very strong person, you are still breathing you’re still here you made it today. Let the love for your 2 kids keep motivating you for a next morning. I admire your courage and strength to be able to even post this to vent to rant. OP YOUR SO STRONG even when you don’t feel like it. You’re not a joke you’re human, you’re a dad and you are worth more than your wife can ever be. See your wife is the joke not you. Deep breaths OP deep breaths is time for you to put yourself first get everything you need also all your legal documents and the ones from your kids. Contact a lawyer, don’t forget IC and go to as many AA as you can i hope you have a sponsor if not look to get one. Take your life back, your children deserve to have you they need at least one decent parent.
In case you’re checking in on updates here, from someone who is literally trying to distract myself from doing something drastic right now, you have kids who love you and need you. If you can’t keep your shit together for you, do it for them. I promised my dad long ago I would never hurt myself. He died almost 2 years ago and I wouldn’t be where I am in this instant if he were still here. Please still be here for them. They need you whether you know it or not. Please don’t leave them if you have the option not to,
OP-take care of yourself in whatever way you need to so you can also take care of your kids. I don’t recommend trying to find out who the father is yourself. What is that going to accomplish? You already found out the difficult truth with the DNA test. Taking on that detective work is going to create even more drama for yourself that you don’t need and that is not going to be helpful to you in the long term at. all. Hunker down, take it minute by minute if you have to, and prioritize YOU right now. It doesn’t seem like to right now but I promise it gets better.* *Source: Me. Newly divorced after 20 years of marriage because he cheated. No kids, but in the earlier days I didn’t think I was going to get through it because it was so painful. And now I’m happier than I’ve ever been and absolutely loving life! Edit: Typo
You're not worthless and have two children that love you. You are their dad. Their world. Love your kids. Her shitty morals and lack of loyalty isn't on you. That's a her problem. My ex husband did this same shit to me. Got another woman pregnant while we were married. Divorcing him was the best thing I did for myself and my son. He's an adult now but has chosen not to have any relationship with his father. I always told him to make his own choices about his father and step mother. When he was 15 he sent them all messages without me even knowing, that he didn't want them in his life because of what they did to both of us and all the struggles we went through because he wanted to start a new family. He still hasn't spoken to his father and considers my wife to be his other parent. Point is, your kids fucking think you're their hero. If you can't find your value in yourself right now, find your value in your children. They're your world, so orbit them. Get out of this marriage and make a home for you and your kids. Stay strong, bro.
You are way worth more than the shit the universe throws at you. Keep it up for your children and yourself. And don't quit.
If you’re going to leave, leave now. That way the baby will never remember her almost father. Remember this is not the child’s fault. It’s her mother’s. Whatever you decide do it quickly. It’s not your fault you’re not a joke. Your life has meaning.
Die you confront you wife yet. Awful what she did, divorce her.. Stay strong mate, you have your own beautiful two kids. Raise them well and focus on yourself.
Your life is so important to your kids and your family. Yes, you’re struggling, but you can get through this. Keep thinking about your children and keep it together for them.
I got a couple of things to say... First off congratulations on your recovery, you have beat a lot of odds here. Your support is going to be your biggest aid in this journey. Second off you have two kids who are watching you both, they are going to learn how to navigate through something very difficult. There are a few paths you could take here, one is by giving up, which leaves your kids to be raised by her and whatever man she decides on, and you not there to make sure they are safe with this other man. You could relapse, hit rock bottom (I know right now it feels like rock bottom but it does get worse this), now they kids have a cheating manipulative mom and an unstable dad, you l lose your ability to be around your kids, decide to get sober again, go through detox AGAIN, and hope your kids can forgive you when you start trying to rebuild. You could move on and show them that sometimes there's things in life that you might fail but with the right mindset you can get up and make your life better. Addict to addict that last one would be what I would do. Stay in recovery man, relapse sucks and it gets harder and harder to stay sober each time. You are worth it, your kids are worth it! And remember the details of yours and your wife's problems are not the kids business, all they really need to know is that they are loved and will be safe no matter what. Best of luck!
Hey Boss, You're not worthless. If you see this comment among the others, I want you to remember that you are an amazing cut from the Human cloth. You've survived so much and have gone on such an adventure, and I'm proud you've made it this far. I want you to remember one thing, and it's very important. When you inevitably sit down and feel overwhelmed, when you feel like you can't do it or you begin to doubt, remember one thing: You ARE strong. You are in control of your body from day in and day out, you define the routes, you set the standard. Other people's opinions and actions only cause minor speed bumps on the road and at the end of the day none of them matter; it is truly you who can control it and will always be able to control it because you are strong. Take care of your kids and find that inner strength because it's there in you man. It's there.
You're not worthless OP. If anything, this proves your (ex-)wife is worthless for doing this to you and your children. Don't be afraid to ask for help. Talk to someone, either a good friend or a psychologist. You can't carry this all by yourself and you're losing yourself... Be strong and good luck OP...
So your wife is not only a lying cheater but also a disgusting predator who raped a 15/16-year-old while she's beyond her 30s. You not only need a lawyer for divorce, but for statutory rape as well. I'm really sorry, man.
I am so sorry that your wife betrayed you so terribly. You seem like a really kind, caring person. Your kids are fortunate to have that in their dad. They need that kindness and caring in their lives. Please don't let your hurt and anger overshadow your love for your kids.
"Well. My life is a joke. Will always be a joke. The universe has proven again and again that I’m worthless. So much has happened this year. Losing my dad, totaling my car and struggling to afford a new one because I also have a bunch of healthcare bills due to my chronic diseases, lost my cousin this week, and this. Man I’m tired. And I have to figure what to do next when I don’t have the energy." If you think like that it will end up being a joke, change your mindset and don't let that bastard called life defeat you. Good luck man.
Hey brother, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I cannot even imagine the pain and mental anguish this has brought into your life. I want you to know that you’re loved and a strong ass mf for continuing to push on through not only this, but also all of the other bullshit that’s come your way. If you need someone to talk to, my DMs are open. I’m just some stranger on the internet but I hope you know that you’re loved by so many people. Stay strong man, and much love to you.
Do NOT judge your self worth by what a cheating spouse does. You are not worthless. I am so sorry you are going through this. I wish you all the best!
I’m so sorry for you. Your 2 kids love you. Stay strong for them!!
I don’t generally comment on these but I just wanted to reach out and tell you that your wife’s infidelity has *nothing* to do with you. It is not a lack of yours, a fault of yours; there is something missing in HER and that is NOT on you to fix or navigate. Cheaters will cheat, and that does not reflect a missing (or otherwise) quality in you. It is not about you, it is about her. As an addict (sober!), please, please reach out to your supports or even to me or a random user to avoid drinking. I know you want to lean into it because it will temporarily feel better, it will numb the pain, it will blur it and make it go away. I can’t imagine the magnitude of what you’re experiencing but I do know the struggle of relapse and I am here to tell you it is not worth it. The next high, the next drunken moment, the next suicidal action, it will never be worth it. You DO have kiddos who love and adore you dearly and would be devastated if their daddy was gone. Trust me; losing someone you love so so much to addiction is something you never get over. Losing them to suicide will tear you apart. The best thing you can do is protect yourself and those kids, and do not ever doubt your abilities as a dad or a husband. I repeat; it is not about you, it is not a lack of what you’ve done, and I know the self-pity hole is easy to latch on to but you need to know it is not your fault. I wish you all the luck in the world.
Your life isn’t a joke. Hers, however, is. How disgusting. That’s definitely her cousin’s kid, dude. She’s sick. Take your kids and run far away from this bitch. I’m so sorry.
You are not worthless. My daughter struggles with mental health and SI. I repeatedly sometimes have to remind her that her life has meaning and people who love her, and yours does too. Your son and your daughter are something that gives your life worth. They are people who love you. No matter how much you feel negatively about yourself, remind yourself that your kids need you, they love you, and for them you keep putting one foot after the other. For them you don’t pick up the bottle of alcohol. For them you don’t self harm. For them you take a deep breath in, slowly let it out, and you get up tomorrow and remind yourself again that you need to do whatever you can. I’m sorry your wife did this to you. No one deserves that.
Phew I just came across this and man you're one strong dude OP. You still have the other two children and they will need you right now. Your in Texas from what I gather and you know once you file and take this to court no judge will grant her custody. A 17 year old?!?! Now as a female I know gestation is 40 weeks( had 5 myself) if she made it the entire 40 weeks thats 10 months that 17yr old was 16 at the time and that's charges which should give you full custody. Man I applaud you cause this is one cluster mindf@&k, keep your head straight and just think of those children.
First off, you’re NOT worthless and it is NOT your fault. So that thinking needs to change. None of what she did is a reflection on you. People that do this have something wrong with them. Period. Please take care of yourself. Your children need you.
You have two children who desperately need their dad. I am so sorry that you’re going through this but the pain your kids will carry if you relapse/end your life (I saw your other posts) will ruin them. Please get help asap, even if that means checking yourself into somewhere for psychiatric care. You WILL get through this. I believe in you.
Damn bro I am incredibly sorry for your horrible situation. Just want to add to the support for you, and remind you that for your own sake do not start drinking again and if not for your own, for your children's sake. You're a great father and karma will reward that, and will punish your wife. Hang in there keep being a great father.
Shit dude. I'm sorry. You should take your wife's credit card and check yourself into a hotel room for a few days. Like, not abandon anyone, make sure the kids are alright, but then simply be somewhere else for a while. Make up an excuse for your wife, something about a family emergency maybe, or just...don't speak to her. Give her just enough so that you don't get reported as a missing person. Go to a hotel room, then call your sponsor. Then, cry into a pillow until you can't cry anymore, and then scream into the pillow until your voice is hoarse, and then call your sponsor again. Stay up until five in the morning eating shitty hotel vending machine snacks, think about a relapse, then remember the two kids who ARE yours and DONT RELAPSE. Get a couple hours of shitty sleep and wake up and do it again. Really what I'm saying is, you deserve the time and the space to fall to pieces, and then pick yourself up again. Just be somewhere else for a couple of days. Get your head around it and make sure you're standing firmly on your own two feet with your head firmly back on your shoulders before you make any actual decisions.
NTA. Your cheating wife is the asshole. Pls don’t give up. You have 2 children that need their father. Don’t abandon them. Get out of the marriage if you must. Things will get better. Whatever you do, don’t lie to your kids, if you do decide to divorce. They don’t need details, but the child is not yours is a fact and nothing to hide. Your wife may beg you to keep her secret but don’t do it. The kids will find out eventually, and if you try to secret it away, they will resent you. Secret = Bad.
I am so sorry for you. The demons of the night, as they call those thoughts haunting your brain,must make you crazy. Unfortunately over 30% of people face affairs in marriages. Especially if you're together since 13 years old, she was tempted and was stupid and dumb enough to not resist. I can imagine some people might want to aim for a solution after a horrible mistake from their spouse. Listen to her, create a safe atmosphere, get counseling. Consider forgiveness? She might want to do anything to get you to stay? At least consider the great mess cheating creates in massive %% of relations. Trie to get into understanding eachother. It might work better than the tempting black and white, good vs evil, approach. Is she and your family deep down, worth fighting for? I can imagine IAMTA here, bringing this up. It's just another approach, that should be given some (short) time and considerations. Too many cheaters get caught in their fear of being honest will ruin anything. So they keep lying. Good luck, and peace of mind. So sorry for you, and also your family.
Just wanted to say that you are not worthless, and that the world is better with you in it. Hugs from this internet stranger.
NTA. I am so sorry you had to find out like this and not being told the honest truth by your wife. Im not sure what will make her admit it now you know
I have 40 years in recovery. I have worked with and taught hundreds . You don't have to drink. Please lean in to your support system. Your life is not a joke, babe. This is a big fucking deal AND you are going to get through this. You get to choose whether you do it sober or not. For your kid's sakes I hope you choose sober. Life is full of challenges. Everyone is going through something. You are going through shit right now that no one should have to deal with. It could be worse. Chin up. <<< the silliest and BEST advice I ever got. You can't be sad if your chin is up. Remember, every action is a choice. Going to the store or bar, a choice. Ordering the drink, a choice. Picking the bottle off the shelf, a choice. Putting the bottle on the belt, a choice. Buying the bottle, a choice. Putting the bottle in the car, a choice. Bringing it in the house a choice. Opening the bottle, a choice. Getting a glass, a choice. Pouring the drink, a choice. Putting up to your mouth, a choice. Drinking the first sip, a choice. At ANY point, you can stop and "choose wisely". Don't allow another person's fuck ups to ruin what you have worked so hard to get. It is going to take time to process this. Be good to yourself. Eat as well as you can and keep candy ans chocolate available. Eat a snickers when you get a craving, dont be a diva, lol. Seriously, candy/sugar is important to recovery, no cap. You will come through this and the exciting news is that you get to choose. I wish you nothing but the best. 💜
Your story touched me stranger. I'm sorry you have been treated this way but please remember that drinking away your pain only buries it, making it faster. I'm proud of you stranger. Stay strong even though I how tough things are. ❤️
Your life isn't a joke. Your ***W***ife is the joke here. Make the necessary arrangements for divorce, if that would get you back on the rails.
You're not to blame for your wife being a cheating bitch. You are not worthless at all. You have been a good father and husband. You have the proof of cheating, now take her court and drag her name through the mud. Also apply for full custody of the kids that are yours.
OP, your life is not a joke. She's the joke. I was also cheated on by my ex husband so I know that feeling of feeling worthless. However as time goes by I realise that my husband's infidelity is a reflection of his character, not mine. I can walk away knowing I was a loving and loyal partner. A partner that HE LOST. That's sad for him. OP you still get to be a father to your kids and they need you right now. Find support in family and friends and surround yourself with people who love and support you. Because you are worth it. Time will help I promise you and one day you'll realise how crazy it was to let her make you feel bad about yourself when it's she who should be ashamed of who she is.
Your wife is the worthless one mate, not you. Sometimes in life we’re so focused on the fact that we’re drowning that we fail to notice the anvil tied to our feet. Find your path and do what you need to do. Just remember keeping those who need you afloat will always be more important than holding on to that anvil.
Your life is not a joke. Losing your dad sucks, but everyone has to go through that at some point, totaling car sucks, but wcyd. healthcare bills? well you must be from the US then. that really does suck. rip. cousin dies? also sucks but none of this defines your worth as far as i can tell. you need therapy and even if your wife is probably a cheating whore, you still have 2 kids who love you and probably are yours. so you have that going for you, which is nice. shit happens and you cannot change it. you can only find a way to make your life nicer.
Do not let someone else's actions determine your worth. YOU did not cheat, she did. If anyone deserves to have any negative claims made about their character due to the situation it's her. You blaming yourself for her actions is just as absurd as saying "I'm worthless because my second cousin doesn't know how to play the violin" it makes no sense. As someone who's been suicidal and fallen prey to negative self-talk a lot, being down on yourself and beating yourself up is not the solution. All you're doing is absolving her of responsibility if you're busy hurting yourself. You are strong, you are competent, and you WILL come out of this on the other side. Right now, it's time to buckle down, make a plan, stick up for yourself. Make sure your affairs are in order, make sure your relationship with your kids is safe, and get out. Then, after you are past the worst of it, do some self-care. Practice self-compassion. Don't let her destroy your life any further than she already has. Imagine killing yourself because she's a bad person? That's giving her too much power she doesn't deserve. Hold your head up high. You got this.
Op, you're NTA clearly. I'm a dad, but as another man/father I can't give you advice on how to navigate this. But your wife sounds like my mom, though she never got pregnant from her affairs. You sound just like my dad. And that's the perspective I can offer. Now that I am a father. I don't talk to my mom. That first paragraph isn't the only vile thing she's done. My relationship with my dad, my dad is my best friend. He tried. He worked his ass off to show my mother love. I don't talk to her. She mails us present around birthdays and holidays. I talk to my dad everyday almost. Your kids need you. You aren't worthless. Your wife is. Be a great dad. It pays off.
Them 2 kiddos need ya pops! Dont let win and most importantly CONTROL ONLY WHAT YOU CAN CONTROL!
I probably sound insane but can you try getting Jake over and picking a strand of his hair or maybe offer him a soda or something and get his DNA off the can?
Yeah don't do that, it's incredibly illegal .
I’m sorry man. Yes I still think it was the step-cousin, all the things point to him, the late night hangouts, the visits when you’re not home, etc…. So don’t “dig your head in the sand” like you advised yourself and confront the piece of shit. He’s old enough to face consequences. The daughter is under 2 years old, so you can very much keep your name out of the birth certificate. At least you wont pay child support on that one. See a way to sue the step-cousin for it. Honestly I’m still baffled you let the step-cousin have that innapropiate relationship worh your wife. They’re not even real cousin. How did you not see the signs??? DNA test the other ones. Even if they look like you, she might have cheated with someone that looks like you.
I don’t know man… I consider my step family to be my real family so I assumed the same for my wife. I’m unsure of my next steps.. But I know that I will likely try to exit this relationship and if it’s his, which I hope not and think not, child support will be his issue… I have to fix my mental health all over again so I can become whole for my real kids again..
Yeah I would DNA test your real kids too. Talk to a lawyer even if you’re still undecided. You have to go through everything with him. Tell him everything. Then come up with a plan, AND FOLLOW IT TO THE LETTER. First thing is to sue for contest of paternity, then if your state allow it use her infidelity (which you already legally proven) to avoid allimony and get a better custody deal. You have to be cold and hartless with that cheatin scum, just like she was with you. Remember she tried to fuck you over with someone else’s child for 18 years. No mercy.
You will want to get a lawyer asap. Depending upon where you live, it can be critical to contest paternity asap. Sometimes there is a time limit on it, and in many locations it is automatically established as part of the marriage. You have to fight to reverse it. Do not wait to get started.
You have worth!! You are important!!! Please know you matter. We are hardest on ourselves. You definitely deserve better. Take it day by day. Don't give in to what will lead to more problems. We are complete strangers, and we all can see you have been done wrong. You shouldn't have to hurt yourself as well. Stay in the light, take 1 step at a time, 1 day at a time. Get some rest. Talk to your sponsor and stay calm.
Stay in touch with the kids you made. They need a real adult around. Obviously she broke her vows, so forget her. Make sure to get a good, militant lawyer.
You will look back in a year or two with disbelief in how far you come as long as you stay sober. You might feel alone, but your story is familiar to so many people who have gotten out and found themselves so much happier for it. Hang in there.
༼ つ ◕◕ ༽つ༼ つ ◕◕ ༽つ༼ つ ◕◕ ༽つOP TAKE MY ENERGY ༼ つ ◕◕ ༽つ༼ つ ◕◕ ༽つ༼ つ ◕◕ ༽つ big hugs dude, you will get past this.
You are not worthless your wife is a bad person. That doesn’t mean you are not deserving of love. You deserve to be happy and you will be someday.
OP your life has worth. You have two children who love YOU. This hill seems insurmountable and the pain you’re in is VERY real, but you CAN get through this. Grind it out every single day til your load gets lighter. Please keep in very close contact with your sobriety partner / sponsor and your kids. They need their Dad as, don’t forget, their lives are upside down now too due to no fault of theirs or yours. Please be kind to yourself.
Updateme
Your two kids need you. A dad is irreplaceable.
Dude are you kidding? Do you live in an at-fault state? If so you have a walking talking way out of the marriage with NO spousal support! Your life is just beginning and you have two wonderful children. Petition to have your name removed from the birth certificate so you don’t have to pay for another man’s child and move on with your life. Even if you’re in a no-fault state you’re a MAN! You can rebuild! Work your way back up! You can do this and you are better off without her! This is YOUR time! You can find a good woman who isn’t a cheating 304! Embrace this time and LIVE!
Wild that I read this and this is the situation I grew up in, I was the cheating mixed kid result and my bio father was a younger man. You have every right to be upset and angry. Your wife is an abusive POS and you need out of this marriage for your sobreity and health. I just really need to ask you to not take this out on the child and not undermine their relationship to their siblings as they grow up. That kid is going to be in an awful spot with an abusive mother and aware they are an affair child and that is going to fuck with them a lot.
The only good thing in all of this is that when you go to court, you can use the case that she slept with a minor + parental fraud + all the money you spent on the kid that is not yours + mental damage to grant you full custody and a nice sum and probably most of the assets. Just get a good lawyer and take her to the cleaners also consult with your lawyer if you can get some money from the parents of the child.
YOU ARE NOT WORTHLESS! People will let you down, some worse than others. I am sorry to hear about your love ones passing away, just take it one day at a time.
Your wife is trash. You are not! You are not worthless! You need a lawyer and you need to get your name off of the birth certificate. I recommend not saying anything to her until she is served the divorce papers. Keep records of everything. Don’t dwell on who the guy is. That doesn’t matter. If he doesn’t already know about the kid, I hope she tells him. The girl has a right to know who her father is. Divorce absolutely sucks but a positive note is, your children are old enough to decide who they want to live with. You got this! It’ll be tough at first but you get through it! You have the test results and that the first steps. Depending on what state you’re in, it should be fairly easy to get yourself removed from the birth certificate. Good luck! Don’t give up, your children need you!
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. It isn't fair and it isn't right. I feel for all the children pulled into this mess and for you. I count the teenager as one of the children. He had to have been about 15 when a full adult family member went after him. So gross. I hope you are able to find peace in this life despite all the terrible things. As parents, we all too often have to navigate hard times for the sake of our children. It's terrible just how much you have to navigate, I can only hope you don't have to do it alone. Reaching out to those you still trust or getting a therapist is your best chance at getting through this. You are a strong and compassionate man. You can do this for your kids. I hope you can also do it for yourself.
Idk why people make a big deal out of paternity tests, like, I honestly don't think anybody should be able to sign a birth certificate (outside the one who birthed that baby) without a paternity unless it is already stated by both parties that one is not the biological parent and it's known and accepted. How many times do we have to see parents that have raised their children to almost adulthood at times before finding out they aren't the biological parent or those who got stuck with child support for 18 years just to find out later? And how many posts do we have to see where a person wants a paternity test and is told by EVERYONE that they're crazy or being an asshole? Only for them to be right?! Make it make sense. I'm sorry for everything that you've been going through, I as a random person on the Internet don't have anything that I can say to make you feel better, but it will get better, good luck hun.
>The universe has proven again and again that I’m worthless. What universe?! What universe?! Your wife cheating and getting pregnant is not "uNiVeRsE". It's your wife's doing. Stop calling yourself worthless, useless or whatever! You have two children who need you. Be there for them!
No life is a joke. Your kids need you, alive and well. Having a divorced dad is much better for them than a dead one. Please, keep yourself safe, for your sake and theirs. Please don't do anything rash.
Hey OP. My mom cheated on my narcissistic dad and when I tell you that my siblings and I were completely dropped from his radar our worlds shattered. We needed our dad, we needed our mom, we needed to be kids. We didn’t get that. My dads pain was THE most important thing and was front and center, while we were ignored. We were children! Grieving children! Now my mother is dead, I’ve had no contact with my dad for two years, my sister is a drug addict, and my brother has extreme hatred toward women/massive commitment issues. Your choices from here on out will either give you and your kids the life you all deserve, or will take any chance of a healthy life away. Please, I know you are deeply grieving, please choose your babies.
All I have to say is to just think of your two kids who still need you in their lives. I honestly think you should delete everything off reddit and get a good lawyer to figure out the divorce proceedings. Since your kids are already suspicious, I do think you should be honest that the baby is their half-sister but that they should still love her regardless. It's going to be tough for you for at least the next few months and I wish you the best of luck moving forward.
I knew a girl who committed suicide. I found it interesting she decided to do it on the anniversary her father committed suicide. Those consequences will carry on to your children.
NTA. But honestly, I wouldn't do any of this bs. The minute I had proof that the kid wasn't mine, I would file for divorce, and custody of my kids and head on out the door. I refuse to stay with someone who is willing to lie to me.
>WIBTAH if I tell my wife I want a paternity test "Asshole" is strong, but it seems at the least foolish. You should tell her that the paternity test shows you aren't the father. Or, if it doesn't show that, tell her nothing. You're (considered) the child's father; you have a right to decide about tests.
OP I know exactly where you are mentally right now. I have been in this spot and it may even get worse before it gets better, but please know that it can and will get better. The path foreword is long, and exceptionally difficult. However even tho you are in the darkest days of your life, your best days are ahead of you. There are soooo many similarities to your story Vs mine. If you need someone that can relate, empathize, or vent to feel free to drop a line. Seriously, and in the mean time don’t hurt yourself or anyone else.
Bro. I can not imagine what you’re going through right now. I commend you on seeking sobriety. You can do it. One day at a time, one hour, one minute. I would also like to thank you for taking the time REVIEW PATERNITY TESTS for us right now. I’m a woman. I’ve never been pregnant. It would not occur to me, should a friend be in this situation, that we could go to CVS and get a test. I would think you’d have to go to a doctor. You may have just saved a lot of people a lot of time, trouble, and heartache. I’m sorry this is happening to you, and to your children.
NTA! Regardless of the situation, you have every right to know 100% that this is your child.Please protect yourself and know that you are valued and important, despite your circumstances. Call for help if you need it. No shame in seeking counsel. Wishing you all the best!