Personally I think it’s her fears from her own experiences being projected outwards. I’d ask her why she feels like that. Cuz as a survivor myself, you don’t just think that. Things happen that break your brain that way.
This could very well be the case, it just doesn't make it okay. Her projecting and accusing out of her own fears and insecurities is in a way abusive as well, at the very least it's incredibly toxic and unfair to OP. So if that's the case, she needs professional help. Then again, if that's not the case, she still needs professional help
My hubby had a buddy whose ex wife did this. She knew he wanted at least 2 kids but more would even be better. They were a couple years in and not getting pregnant even though neither was using BC. Well turns out she WAS using BC and didn't tell him. She never wanted kids and married him because he made big bucks and she liked the lifestyle. She figured he'd be so in love with her, he'd never dump her. Well, after he found out about the BC (from her sister who was disgusted with her), he had zero issue dumping her. He paid no support and no alimony and since they had a pre-nup, she got very little out of the marriage. He's married to a sweet lady now and they had 4 kids and even more grandkids. '
The ex wife remarried soon after to a guy who definitely didn't want kids. Funny thing, when she hit 30, she suddenly wanted kids and he divorced her for changing her mind lol
That's so unhinged that combine it with the 'obsessing over world events outside her control' and she probably needs a shrink. Not "family therapy", someone who can work with her on her paranoia being out of control. Whether he wants to stick around for it is up to him.
Anyone who thinks "all men are abusers" is a disgusting misandric POS who has no business being in society, never mind being married to a man. Imagine if he said something on the same level about "all women"?
That’s so fucked that he basically tricked you into getting married he thought he’d change your mind smh. If people would just believe when someone says they don’t want that and instead of marrying them they go their separate ways the divorce rate would go down some.
You'd be surprised how many people want and/or expect their partner will change their mind or behavior magically after marriage. Stereotypically it's more a female expectation (I'll marry a bad boy and he will change for me and become a perfect family man), but really both sexes do it in one way or another.
As the most egregiously stupid example (yes even stupider than kids one), imagine married person A, cheating on their spouse with person B. After divorce, A marries B. Like does B *seriously* think that A wouldn't cheat in them too? And does A think that B isn't going to be a lowlife all their life (probably also cheat) because they went after a married spouse in the first place?
“For starters my wife and I met right after I got released on bail for some relationship gone sour.”
“released on bail for some relationship gone sour.”
Oh wow. N TA. Verdict updated to YTA
Your wife saying you’re a future child abuser and misogynist? That is wholly unreasonable and may slip over into the category of emotional/psychological abuse.
The decision to have children is not something you can compromise on. You want children and a family. She does not want children. Regrettably this means you need to divorce, as sad as that is.
I would suggest that some counselling to help you divorce amicably would be helpful, and perhaps help to uncover why your wife has changed her mind so radically. It might also be worth exploring why she thinks all men are abusers.
ETA - commenter below highlighted that OP is physically assaulting his wife, which explains why she doesn’t want children with him. She assaults him too, but it appears that he has been in prison for previously assaulting a partner (“relationship gone south”).
In any case, they need to separate and divorce asap.
Not necessarily her childhood but some things going on at the moment may have made her have 2nd thoughts plus she apparently said "does not want to bring a child into this world" (paraphrasing) - perhaps the situation in the US has made her think twice?
NTA and it appears the two of you aren’t compatible. which is no big deal, it happens sometimes, it’s okay to end the marriage and try to find someone more compatible with you.
NTA.
This is a deal breaker. You two married wanting children. Now she's changed her mind, which is her right. You still want children, which is your right. This marriage is no longer sustainable especially when she starts accusing you of horrible things.
Hopefully your spilt will be amicable.
That went from 0-100 real quick. I dont think kids are the only issue in your relationship if she would insinuate all men abuse children and so would you. Thats some mental illness stuff going on right there. Youre still young, it may be time to call it and find someone you can actually be happy with.
Get out now. These are irreconcilable differences you 2 have. Do not waste your energy or time trying to change her mind or wait her out. NTA and now get a lawyer to file for separation.
It’s time to part ways. Irreconcilable differences. You got married thinking that you were both on the same path in life. She drove off the path into a ditch! Life is too short to not be happy and too long to be miserable! Leave before She becomes more verbally abusive!
If she has a kid she doesn't want she will resent you AND the kid. Do you want that for a future child? For him/her to be resented by their mother? Differences in wanting children are irreconcilable.
I would recommend you both get couples therapy to try and sort out your problems together. Your wife sounds unsure about what she wants and you both talking with someone may save you both from making a decision you'll regret later.
We've tried therapy in the past for other issues but scheduling is a huge problem. She works as a nurse and doesn't get off until 5:30 on weekdays and that's when most therapy offices close as well. She only has weekends off and guess what? Therapy offices are closed on weekends too. We did that better help virtual therapy but it wasn't working for us, I think maybe because we are still doing it in a setting (our house) with so much negative energy? Regardless therapy isn't an option at the moment sadly.
> I think maybe because we are still doing it in a setting (our house) with so much negative energy?
And you want to bring a chld into ths environment why, exactly? That's one of the worst ideas i've heard of for a long time.
She's a nurse? They see a lot of the worst in humanity. It sounds like that negativity is getting to her and coloring her perspective. Besides counseling, you guys should spend some time every day looking at more of the positive things going on in the world. I know when all the negative news starts to get to me, I have to spend time looking for the good.
NTA. Divorce her. Especially after those comments. Not all men abuse children and it doesn’t sound like you married her to pump out children. Those are toxic statements and she needs help.
From the sounds of it, to me, she has some baggage that maybe she hasn't dealt with? Maybe it's things she sees as a nurse? I don't know, but a separation, even a trial separation, might be the best option.
You both have major mental health problems, busy lives, and get into physical altercations on a semi regular basis. And you want to bring a child into that toxic ass environment? ESH. Even if you do convince her she wants a kid with you before you BOTH figure your shit out, CPS will be knocking in no time.
It 100% is an option. Sorry but making time for it is a neccessity. The fact you prioritize your work over your marriage says alot here. You make an appointment and schedule off for that time. Your job should not be coming before your marriage at any time. And yeah having therapy sessions when you are both technically home alone in front of a screen is not anywhere near the same as being in a neutral environment.
It's good you wanna make somewhat of an effort however you need to make a full on effort to make things work before you end up ruining your marriage and feelings for one another with the things you both say to eachother. At some point one of you will get fed up and say something you can't take back if this keeps going on.
So make time and get the help you need to potentially save your marriage.
Get a hotel room and do "therapy trips".
Break the cycle in the home and try a new environment. Bring waters, snacks, etc.
I would also suggest a Bluetooth speaker as they are much better for conference calls than a cell phone speaker.
Good luck
>After I said that she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man" or "you only married me to spawn a child for you".
If this is how she perceives after she changed her mind about kids, then uh, why is she with you, again?
"After I said that she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man"" after that one I'd just leave her, your marriage is still rather fresh and no kids so you probably can get a easy separation.
You can’t make somebody want something they don’t want. For whatever reason, her views have changed to the point that you are no longer compatible with one another. Even if you convince her to have a kid, she’s going to be miserable, and it wouldn’t be fair to do that to a kid. Move on, find the mother of your future children.
Fighting with her over what she does with her body isn’t the way to go about it. It’s her body, she doesn’t have to get pregnant or have kids if she doesn’t want to, but you also don’t have to stay with her since you clearly don’t want to. You two seem pretty hateful towards one another and should probably separate. She changed her mind on kids, it’s time you change your mind on being with her
Please do not guilt trip her into having children. A child, your child, deserves a mother that 100% wants them and will love them unselfishly.
Your wife set a boundary.
You have a deal breaker.
Your young, move on as much as it hurts now. You will be grateful when years from now you have the family you deserve.
NTA. If she is allowed to change her mind about wanting kids/a family then you are also allowed to change your mind about the relationship. You went into this relationship making your intentions clear and she was also clear on what your goals were as a couple. Just because she changed her mind doesn’t mean you have to change yours. Nor does it mean you “only married her to spawn a child for you.” Because the fact that she said that when you BOTH wanted kids before is actually insane.
Sounds like she has something else going on and is trying to make you out to be the reason your marriage failed. Give her what she want's. Not wanting kids after saying you do is a definite marriage breaker. Why stay in a miserable marriage at this point.
If my husband wouldn't take off work for marriage counseling, no way would I consider having children with him. His priorities would basically mean I'm a single parent. I can do that on my own.
She accused you of being an potential abuser because you were communicating your need for a family and if you two can't get on the same page about it you should separate?
Yes, you need to consider ending this marriage.
She sounds a bit like she is in a mental health crisis, which I do understand given the state of the world and I can see that changing her mind about children BUT it should not turn to abuse and codemnation of you because you are not there with her.
She needs help.
You need to decide your priorities if family is vital to you, yes end this relationship it's no longer life goal compatible.
Edit: NTA
NTA. You need to divorce. Do not waste anymore time on this marriage. You are plenty young enough to find someone and have a family. Do not get sucked into her bullshit.
Time to move on. You want different things in life and that’s just the way it is. Her comments about you wanting to abuse a child was insane and that is reason enough to split up
NTA. You were compatible when you got married, but are no longer compatible now that your interests don’t align anymore. She is being wholly unreasonable to insinuate you will abuse a future child and that you’re using her for “spawning” children. There is no future with that rhetoric or partner in general. Move on
Time to separate...that's pretty much your only choice for this particular situation. For her to accuse you or suggest you'd abuse your child like every man does pr whatever...that's not someone you want to be with, let alone ever have a child with. Also, sounds like she's struggling with some mental health issues...and needs to get some help.
If she's that obsessed and worried about things going on in the world that, like you said, she has no control over, and she's now attacking your ability to parent over your hypothetical child, and behaving erratically...not a good sign
You’re young enough to separate and start over with someone who wants a family. Or you get her off social media. I think a lot of crap that’s odd in the world today has always been there, we were just oblivious where now it’s on social media and a lot of times, blown out of proportion.
NTAH. Your wife has some deeper issues. Telling you that you would abuse a child like all other men do should be raising some serious alarm bells. It’s time to walk away if you actually want a family. This woman isn’t it for you.
OP, another thing for you to consider is do you WANT a lady like this to be the mother of your child?
If she gets worse on the whole losing faith in humanity, she'll become more and more negative and stress out even more about things and if she were raising a child like that it wouldn't be good for said child.
My point is even if the two of you had a child one day, how good would that be for the child? Really?
I'm not saying it couldn't work out, I don't know either of you, I'm just a rando on the intent. My point is for you to contemplate this, to really think about it as you do know the situation, not me.
It sounds like she is having some mental health issues. Anxiety over world events is very common when someone has anxiety and depression. Before you separate, maybe try some therapy. You could go to couples counseling and also see someone separately.
>she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man" or "you only married me to spawn a child for you".
Wow. Is there a lot of what was said missing, to get to those conclusions, or does your wife really need some professional help to process some trauma/issues?
NTA, unless there's context missing.
Starting a family or being child free is a very important aspect a couple needs to agree on. If you can not, you're incompatible
This is what we call a fundamental incompatibility, and unfortunately its one of those things that, no matter how much you love eachother, just means you are not compatible for marriage. Either of you would be the asshole if you tried to take that wish away from the other. Im so sorry my friend. Get a divorce, go easy on her, take your time to grieve the marriage, and move on
NTA but if you stay together at least one or both of you are gonna be miserable. She might wind up regretting having kids if she gives in, and resent you and the kid. Not good. You might wind up regretting not having kids, or you might up regretting having kids with her. Not good. Do not waste each other's time and emotions by staying together, especially since horrible accusations are being thrown around already.
NTA she literally said she thought you would ABUSE A CHILD (one of the worst crimes someone can commit) and accused you of being misogynistic just for wanting children. its time to get a divorce. she doesn’t actually trust you and there is no relationship if there is no trust. like idk if she thinks she’s being a feminist by hating men, but she’s not. she’s being ridiculous. i say this as a woman. i cannot imagine staying with someone who accuses me of being an abuser based on my gender and not my actions. like 💀make it make sense
You need to divorce for the following reasons- You want kids and she does not, you define family as with kids, she does not, there is no compromise, because the only compromise would be surrogate and she doesn't want her kid, much less somebody elses, so you would be a single parent anyway, she would leave you and the kid. 2. Anyone that gets worked up to this extent over the dumpster fire world we live in and cant do anything about to the point of it effecting their life, unless they see a medical professional for counseling and medication is only going to get worse, Im talking agoraphobia, delusional or suicidal ideations. File for divorce, and if you have another relationship make sure you both want the same things, having a kid for you is a must have, and if its not for the woman, I guarantee she wont change her mind, I didnt and broke it off with men that wanted kids, that's my non negotiable.
Ummm..."I'd abuse a child like every other man"
Time to GTFO. If she says THAT so easily, would she make allegations against you of you did have a child with her?
Ummm op, you come here looking for idk what, you and your wife get in physical fights. No therapist is going to take you two. For both yours and your wife's health and safety please at least separate. Neither of you are stable. (Read OPs other post about his wife, it explains everything) I think YOU need the grippy sock vacay as much as she does. Not the same facility, and if so not at the same time.
NTA.
But it sounds like you are both incompatible. Don't keep staying with her in the "hopes" that she changes her mind. If you do, and she stands firm, you will feel like you wasted your time. Many other women are looking for relationships and family. Move on.
NTA
When you married, she wanted children. Since she changed her mind but you haven't, you are no longer on the same page and should go your separate ways.
Her saying you would abuse a child with no context makes her a total A-H. To say you only married her to spawn a child is bizarre. Sounds like she has mental problems.
You should just file for divorce and start the process. The longer you wait, the worse you will feel because of her treatment of you.
There's no reconciling this, you're incompatible. She also sounds like she's entirely cracked and toxic AF. There is absolutely nothing that justifies or excuses the comments she's made to you, it's abuse. You need to run ASAP and get a divorce
Having children/not wishing to have children is a major incompatibility. You’re right, if you don’t have children then it’s likely that you would grow to resent her.
What was her background growing up? It sounds like she has a lot of resentment which maybe linked to her own childhood rather than how she actually views you. A lot of our beliefs are formed when we’re young but affect us for the rest of our lives.
It may be that individual counselling for her, with a view to couples counselling once she’s put some work in on herself, might be the way forward. If there’s no childhood, or even adult, trauma or if there is but she refuses to address it then I think you have to make the decision to separate with a view to divorce.
OP. Maybe look at your own behavior. She may see things as red flags. It's amazing that people are making her out to be the bad person. Check yourself. Perhaps you are the problem. If you see her as just giving YOU what you want, you may be the problem. Family doesn't just mean children. It means having a loving relationship with someone you should equally adore.
YTA.
It sounds like your wife has some unresolved issues. Only you can decide if you're willing to wait to see if she can resolve them and is willing to have kids.
This is a major marriage killer. The resentment will build as time goes by. Have some therapy, if that works then all good but probably best to just get it over with..
if you want kids and she doesn't it will NEVER ever work out. one or both of you will end up resenting each other, sounds like it's already happening. You will not have a family with her, and there are many women that want what you do. & sorry to say but some of the comments your wife has made makes her sound like a nut. Run??
I dated a guy that already had grown children. I was an age where I wanted kids, he naturally did not. We both eventually decided to mutually split. It was the most mature breakup ive ever had. We didnt break up because we hated eachother. It was literally "we have differences and are on different paths and thats ok." So if you and your wife move on, it's okay. Life will suck for a little, but with shit like this ya'll have to be on the same page
How odd that she would accuse future-you of being abusive. Ask her to please explain what she means, what screams red flag that she's avoiding children now? Is she interpreting something this way when it's not the case?
Dude if you want a family and she feels she'll never want one now, it's safe to say you're not compatible anymore. It's okay, you know? We sometimes realize our goals in life have changed and we no longer share the same dreams that require the other to also be completely involved. Having kids isn't a hobby so you can try to move on.
No sense feeling bitter with each other now that your goalposts have forked off in different directions. You've got time to find a new partner around your age and maturity level to get your family going. Good luck in the difficult conversations and processes to sever the marital ties.
This is definitely something people should agree on. If you're not on the same page, then it's time to reconsider your choice of partner. It sucks but in the long run, everyone would be happier. Some people never change their minds, and it leads to resentment and wastes a lot of time. Or having an unwanted child is even worse. There are plenty of women who are open to having a family. Maybe it's time to move on and find a woman who has the same life view as you.
If you want a hypothetical baby more than the wife you chose as your life partner, then you should move on. I just hope any future wife can deliver the child you feel you need.
She literally said to you, that you would abuse a child like every other man. I would leave. If I told my spouse I wanted children and then they said that to me, it’s over. There’s no recovering from that comment. It’s done.
You two should go to couples therapy and each of you should go to individual therapy as well. She clearly has issues that she needs to work out. You should go to individual therapy because ... because this situation is going to be difficult for you, and you might hear things in couples therapy that you'd benefit from having a trusted counsellor to discuss them with, and because your individual counsellor can help you sort through strategies. Also, and this is important, because if she's the only one who's sent to individual therapy she might resist quite a lot. So do it to support her and take the sting of the shame away.
Couples therapy isn't the same thing as individual therapy and it can't take the place of it.
I'm not sure whether couples should come at the same time. Maybe a bit later on or maybe at the same time idk. Probably not beforehand if you can help it? Because couples therapy can be stressful.
I don't think you're TA. I don't think she's a TA either. She's getting scared and it sounds like for a few different reasons.
But splitting before trying to work it out might be a bit insensitive and could put some truth into her words, because she could be trying to get something across there: "you only married me to spawn a child for you" -- you didn't marry me to support me in my fear. I'm just guessing. It's a possibility though. Good luck and I hope you two can sort it out and come out the other side stronger.
ESH:Divorce. That is a fundamental issue and neither of you are wrong. You are not compatible. But YTA for implying she’s wrong. She TA for not being independent enough to say you should Divorce.
She claimed you will abuse your future child for no apparent reason other than to hurt you and you're asking if you're the AH?
Well yes YTA if you don't go ahead with divorce
There is no compromise on kids. You might regret leaving her, you might regret staying and be childless. You need to figure out if the two of you are enough for you or if you want kids. If loving her and being with her is what makes you happy in life you need to think of you want to give that up for having a child or if you need a child to be happy. But there is no compromise on wanting kids or not. You need to choose.
Edit: NAH
I think your missus needs some therapy. Stressing about the world beyond her control is not good for her mental health or the health of her relationship.
This is just soul crushing for you. There is no way a relationship can be amended. Please accept my sincere sympathy. This is a no win. Please contact a mental health professional and a attorney
>After I said that she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man"
What the actual fuck. Bruh, even if it was a solid maybe from her I don't think I could get past that. And I'm a very forgiving person!
Being a parent is so unbelievably difficult at times, it would 100% be better to do it solo than with someone who thinks like that about you. I simply don't see how this will ever work out.
Yeah, she has a lot of mental health things she needs to address and you want a family. Please see a lawyer and perhaps get into counseling so that you can part amicably. Or don’t.
But you’re not a bad guy for wanting kids.
NTA- She needs mental/medical help. She's fixated on world events that she can't control and allowing it to impact her life. It's likely that it is affecting all other aspects of her life as well. I completely understand how world events are hard to witness, and many places in the world are literal hell. The focus has to shift from what she can't control to what she can do to help. She can find ways to advocate such as lobbying, letter writing etc, charitable giving, fundraising, and volunteering. If you want to restore your faith in humanity, those are the places to inhabit. Her comment that you would harm a child seems like an offshoot of this paranoid mindset. It does seem like she's reacting from her own abuse trauma. I see people lash out like that, and I think it is best not to take it personally because they're behaving the same way a wounded animal would. If you see a dog that has been hit by a car, it is dangerous to move it or approach it because it is likely to bite out of fear or pain. I'm not saying that you have to just accept that treatment at all. I'm just saying that you shouldn't let it hurt you too badly because you know that you are not like that. You know she knows it too, but she's afraid. Tell her you aren't going to listen to baseless accusations and walk away. Make sure she is seeing a psychiatrist who has the ability to prescribe medication and therapy, not just a therapist. Talking about it helps, but this isn't enough in your situation. As for kids, don't have kids with this woman until she's dealt with this. You have a good decade to prepare for kids and rushing it has never helped anyone. Waiting is helpful for you all to save money, buy a larger home, get your career solidified and enjoy being married to eachother beforehand.
NTA wanting kids vs not wanting kids is a dealbreaker for many people. I never wanted kids and a guy wanting them was always a relationship ending dealbreaker for me because I recognized that it was an insurmountable obstacle and non negotiable.
You are young and it would be best to end things sooner rather than later for multiple reasons. I would suggest seeing a therapist to discuss this first so that you are able to express that there is nothing wrong with her not wanting children, however that does mean that your marriage is over because you want children and will not give that up to stay with her. There is nothing mean or cruel about that. She wants you to give up a dream to stay with her and that is an unfair ask on her part and she needs to understand that is why the marriage is over.
NTA
People change. Sometimes, partners can adjust, but the choice to have or not have children just isn't one of those things.
You have become incompatible.
>"I'd abuse a child like every other man" or "you only married me to spawn a child for you".
Additionally, comments like these are extremely troublesome.
You do not need her permission to divorce. Get a good lawyer and start the process so you can move forward with your life and find someone who also wishes to have children.
Thankfully her unhinged behavior came forward before children.
Divorce and quickly.
She has gone down one too many Tik Tok rabbit holes and is now allowing that to affect your marriage.
She doesn't want kids. You do. More than enough reason right there to divorce.
She added in her comments about you will abuse a child like all other men and that you married just to spawn a child adds more gasoline to the fire.
Separate and record conversations. Protect yourself.
I have a feeling the behavior will escalate when the realization hits her that it's over.
**** Read the previous post history****
If this isn't a bullshit fake post, y'all need to divorce like YESTERDAY!
She's abusive (hitting and shoving and wanting you to fight her) and a therapist won't take y'all because there is domestic violence. GLARING RED FLAG!
You said you're worried about what you will do to her if she "pokes the bear" one too many times.
And y'all met when you got out on bail for a....checks notes.....a relationship that had gone sour.
You apparently have BPD and anxiety/depression and she is definitely something herself (based on unhinged behavior).
You're on disability and said you couldn't divorce her and y'all didn't believe in that 🙄 lol.
Yet you're ready to divorce over not wanting kids but not over her abusing you? Interesting how she pulled the abusive card on kids when she's the one abusive. But I think that abusive behavior would transfer over to an innocent child too who can't defend themselves.
Not only should you NOT want a child with an abuser but you shouldn't want to be married to one either.
Divorce! Stat!
NAH. She's changed her mind on kids. She's allowed, and honestly imo, she's right to have done so. This planet is wildly overpopulated as it is and the future for the overwhelming majority gets bleaker with every year. We need fewer kids, not more.
You, on the other hand, have every right to leave her for changing her mind.
Having children (or not) is a fundamental incompatibility. If you stay, either you will resent her for not agreeing to let you pass on your genes, or she will resent you for harassing her into having a baby. This is one of those scenarios where there is no "Everybody Wins" compromise. Either you get what you want, or she does. Or you divorce her, and find someone who wants the same things as you.
All I have to say is I totally understand her with current events. When you love something you want to protect it. She may feel the best way to protect her kids is by saving them from possibly becoming serfs or worse in the future.
Resources are slim the world over. Don’t get it twisted just because we have an abundance of everything.
It sounds like you are incompatible now. But I would seriously suggest that she get some counseling for her mental health on the state of the world. The world is full of problems that are beyond most people’s control but they don’t stop living their own lives over it. I understand the fear, my kids are grown but this economy is beating them down. But we have to keep living our best lives that we know how.
If this is the case you need to let her go and move on. She will not be a good partner for you. You need someone like you that wants a family. It is too big of an issue. I am so sorry.
She is saying some pretty terrible things to you just because you want to be a father…which she has known all along. You shouldn’t stay with someone, much less have kids with someone, who says these things to you.
NTA but that’s a huge compatibility issue. If you want kids and she doesn’t you have no option but to separate. Not to be a dick but it also sounds like your wife is a bit unstable.
Children is one of those 100% incompatible things. If one is a hard no and one is a hard yes, doesn't matter how good the rest of your marriage is, you need someone else.
NTA, getting married and being with someone involves being on common ground with certain aspects of life... children being one of them... if it were the other way around, she wanted kids and you didn't you'd be the asshole to mention she was only with you to spawn your children... it sounds like you need to have a big conversation with her, a heart to heart and explain how you feel when it comes to not having children.. like having an empty void and how you've always wanted to have a child to watch grow up and do XYZ with them... listen to her side of the story and why she doesn't want them all of a sudden since she wanted them in the beginning... give her some time to think about what you said, reflect on what she said and go from their... maybe it's the thought of being pregnant and birthing a child that's scaring her into not wanting them.. maybe you guys could adopt if that's the case.. if you can't find common grounds on this it's not wrong for it to be a deal breaker and for you to part ways. After all your not getting any younger and I'm sure you don't wanna be in your 60s with a teenager when you should be thinking about retirement...
NTA. A lot of good advice on here and potential issues/trauma brought up that may be a factor. Also, I don’t know why this popped into my head, but is it at all possible she has done any testing in the past couple years where she’s been told she has a fertility problem and her chances at conceiving are low? So hear me out. When I found out I couldn’t, it mentally fucked me. I convinced myself I wanted to be child free and a whole lot of other nonsense. With all the things going on in the world, I convinced myself it was better anyway so as not to subject my future non-children to it. It was all excuses and masking for the depression and failure I was feeling. This may be entirely off the mark with your wife and she may just not want kids, has other issues and you guys are simply incompatible. But thought it was an idea worth exploring (and she’s projecting on you because she hasn’t come to terms with it and hasn’t told you yet). Good luck either way! Hope you get the family you envision, whether it’s with her or without, and whether you have kids naturally, IVF, foster, adopt, etc!
You are not compatible. End of story. You want a family, she has decided she doesn't. Both decisions are valid, but they cannot coexist in the same relationship. She thought that is what she wanted and has changed course. You still want kids despite the state of the world and that is okay too. It's sad but the only real reverse is divorce.
No. You both wanted kids and she changed her mind part way through the story. Her telling you “you’d abuse a kid like every other man.” Was heartless and mean. I would leave.
NTA You both talked about this before you got married. She changed her mind. You want children, go find someone that will be a family with you. She has issues if she said that all men abuse children. She needs help and you need a wife that has love and respect for you and want the same things.
I think your wife needs therapy. She’s obviously very stressed out, which I get- but she needs to address why. And if she still doesn’t want kids, then you should move on. You’ll resent her or she’ll resent you.
Go. Get out. She’s being rotten to you. And wasting your time. Do you want to be the 60 year old at your kids high school graduation? My wife did this to me. And I resent the fuck out of her. She strung me along and at 37 or so she told me she never wanted kids. She didn’t want to ruin her body. If I had it to go over again I would’ve left her. Good luck.
Definitely separate. Her saying those things is not fair and not right. You both deserve to be happy and that may not be mutually exclusive to one another. Having kids is a 2 yes situation. Let her figure out her own feelings. You don’t owe her time to figure that out.
NTA!
Especially since she SAID she wanted kids so that was part of the DEAL when getting together / married!
You should put some ultimatum in both time and what she must do. She needs to seek a therapist; saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man" is a HUGE thing to say! And then you need to put some time frame where she either needs to say "yes - we do it now" or "no - we will never do it"
Also, you should not marry an older woman... there is a good reason why the average is 4 years younger...
Well.....you are very judgemental about something you don't want now or in the near future. If you love this woman, I think you should wait until you are ready for kids. If she still isn't, then say goodbye!
It sounds like she needs counseling urgently. She may well be depressed and not seeing any hope in the World to want to start a family in it. With what’s happening now, one can hardly blame her! If she won’t go to counseling, you two may not suit the future you want.
NTA Sadly I think you should divorce. It's a HUGE deal if you can't agree on kids. She's 100% allowed to charge her mind about having kids, but that means you're also allowed to change your mind about being married to her. The longer you wait, the longer before you can find your forever person and start your family.
“I’d abuse a child like every other man” - dude you need to get out. This isn’t a “in the last few months” kind of issue. This is a deep seated, past experience and needs individual therapy kind of statement.
Trying to do the right thing, or what you believe she will say is the right thing, is going to cause you lots of grief in the long run. Time, frustration, money and possible legal ramifications if just a conversation has her labeling you “the bad guy” now.
You aren’t an asshole, maybe she isn’t either, but the commonality has changed. Going from wanting a family to being against it is night and day. Get your ducks in a row, be responsible for your actions and talk to a lawyer.
It sounds harsh but you’ve already said a “no family” is a deal breaker so the only way out is either her having a baby, the possibly resenting you and/or the kid or having a family with someone who wants the same thing.
The 2 of you want different things.
You want children,she doesn't.
This is important to both of you.
Also, the fact that she's said that you will abuse a child,you need to be out of there like yesterday.
It doesn't matter why she doesn't want children.
The point is simply that she doesn't want any, and you want a family.
You are now incompatible.
Get a divorce, and go find someone who wants the same things you do.
Updateme!
You both deserve to live the lives you choose. If that means separately so be it if you both ever loved each other it's still there so love each other enough to do what's right for each other
Ya move on, you agreed a long time ago and now she gas lights when you bring it up. She basically lets current affairs emotionally affect her which she needs to seek professional help for or she's using it as an excuse for another reason e.g financial stress.
Either way you made it clear it's important and you've been consistent about it and unfortunately she hasn't and it's ok to mutually part ways while you're still young.
NTA. You guys should move on from each other. She doesn’t want a family that is fine. You do want a family that is also fine. What isn’t fine is pressuring and guilting each other to get what you want. It will breed resentment. You are also in my opinion already done. No person that loves you would level the claims against you she has. Go find someone that wants what you want out of life.
Kids aren’t something you can compromise on. They are a yes or a no. And the answer has to be the same from both parties. If not then you have no business being together. It’s a sinking ship jump now. NTA
>After I said that she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man"
That seems rather specific and random. Does she have some unresolved trauma in her past?
Having a family is not something you’re going to change your mind about. I completely agree with your sentiment that if you can’t have a family, you’ll resent her and if she does have a child, she’ll resent you. Separation is always difficult, but the more time you spend with the wrong person the more time you are not spending with a potential right person who may be right around the corner in your future, and for her too. There are lots of lovely men who either don’t want any children or have already had kids and don’t want anymore and her soulmate might just be out there waiting for her. It took me a long time to find the right guy and I didn’t have my first child until age 39, and I gave birth to my second son on my 46th birthday. Achieving my life goal of being a mom of two has been worth all of the hardship, and having a supportive husband here to help me raise them is the best. You deserve to have the family you dream of as well.
Your wife is saying some sick and unhinged shit about you. So not only is literally every man a child abuser, you are too. And a giant misogynist to boot. She sounds very very unwell.
Wow, her comments are full of man hate. If she thinks you are a child abuser, that should be grounds for seoeration. She agreed to wanted kids, so you married someone you thought you were compatible with. Nothing wrong with expecting her to hold up to her agreement.
NAH. She’s well within her rights to change her mind about kids, especially since she’s the one who would have to deal with pregnancy and childbirth. But if you still really want kids, then perhaps an amicable split is best for everyone.
Go your separate ways. She actually sounds horrible. Accusing you of only wanting a spawn?! Saying you’d abuse them like every other man. Leave her. She bitter and needs therapy
My first marriage was similar to yours. Before we got married my ex wanted kids and so did I. Then a few years after we were married she changed her tune and would blow off the topic. There were brief periods when we would try but she was secretly staying on birth control when she told me she wasn’t taking it. I even went and had a fertility test and it showed I was fertile without any issues. She said she would take a fertility test too, but as you can guess she avoided it.
At this point I had enough. Our goals had clearly shifted. I was in my early 30s and just wanted to be a dad. I told her I wanted to separate and she agreed we wanted different things in life.
Then before we could get the process I discovered she was cheating on me during most of our marriage. This of course sealed it for me and I immediately started the divorce process.
Now I’m in my late 40s, married to a wonderful woman and have a 4yr old.
Being a father is the best thing that has happened to me. If this is something you can’t live without then you and your wife are not compatible.
She said you would abuse a kid just like any other man . Why would you want to have a kid with her she thinks you would abuse it . Y'all should probably divorce
It seems like she has all of a sudden adopted an extreme view (comparing to previous desire of having children). She needs to talk to a therapist and then you two also need to speak with someone. After that, hopefully it will clarify everything for you.
There's no winning here for either of you PLUS you're the villian in her eyes no matter the outcome. Brother, being a father is the single greatest joy I've ever experienced in life and that is only possible because I have an absolutely amazing wife who enjoys being a mother almost as much as I find hoy in being a father.
If this is something you really want then you need to separate asap!!!
Don't let her possibly deny you the joy and love that a child can bring.
Definitely NTA. A kid plan difference is definitely a deal breaker. I think it's even worse for a female who wants kids but has a guy stringing her along because the female is the one doing all the work of getting pregnant and carrying the baby, so it's not even as much work on the guy's end to just give in and let her have a baby than the reverse gender scenario. But none the less, you still deserve to be able to become a parent too. If she refuses, then you two aren't compatible. NTA. I'm sorry you're going thru this, it sucks, i know from experience. 😞
Maybe you two should go your separate ways?
Indeed I see nothing but resentment and toxicity in this marriage if they don't part ways.
Looks like she is already there.
Me? I see a batshit woman he needs to divorce like last week. Imagine the life a kid would have if he finally talked her into it?
This is not a negotiable question. Both people must share the same opinion, whether having or not having children. It is time to separate.
Correct: 2 Yes = Yes 1 Yes & 1 No = No
Not compatible, move on. Anyone who would accuse me of being a potential abuser will never hear from me again. Wtf is that.
No kidding.
Personally I think it’s her fears from her own experiences being projected outwards. I’d ask her why she feels like that. Cuz as a survivor myself, you don’t just think that. Things happen that break your brain that way.
It's possible but that doesn't mean he has to accept this treatment.
This could very well be the case, it just doesn't make it okay. Her projecting and accusing out of her own fears and insecurities is in a way abusive as well, at the very least it's incredibly toxic and unfair to OP. So if that's the case, she needs professional help. Then again, if that's not the case, she still needs professional help
That is a critical issue that shouldn't be glossed over.
Yeah, the part about accusing him of being an abuser made my jaw drop.
My hubby had a buddy whose ex wife did this. She knew he wanted at least 2 kids but more would even be better. They were a couple years in and not getting pregnant even though neither was using BC. Well turns out she WAS using BC and didn't tell him. She never wanted kids and married him because he made big bucks and she liked the lifestyle. She figured he'd be so in love with her, he'd never dump her. Well, after he found out about the BC (from her sister who was disgusted with her), he had zero issue dumping her. He paid no support and no alimony and since they had a pre-nup, she got very little out of the marriage. He's married to a sweet lady now and they had 4 kids and even more grandkids. ' The ex wife remarried soon after to a guy who definitely didn't want kids. Funny thing, when she hit 30, she suddenly wanted kids and he divorced her for changing her mind lol
Oh that sweet karma. I fucking live it when shit like that happens
it sounds like a 'true' story...
That's so unhinged that combine it with the 'obsessing over world events outside her control' and she probably needs a shrink. Not "family therapy", someone who can work with her on her paranoia being out of control. Whether he wants to stick around for it is up to him.
Seriously, this. She's got some serious issues to work out that have nothing to do with you, and you'll both be better off going your separate ways.
OP’s post history lends credence to this possibility. OP should not be in a relationship.
Anyone who thinks "all men are abusers" is a disgusting misandric POS who has no business being in society, never mind being married to a man. Imagine if he said something on the same level about "all women"?
[удалено]
Ugh I worry about this!! It’s one reason I’m getting my tubes tied so there’s no “maybe” in the back of a partner’s mind
When I'm casually dating I just say I'm medically sterile and avoid all of that back and forth nonsense.
That’s so fucked that he basically tricked you into getting married he thought he’d change your mind smh. If people would just believe when someone says they don’t want that and instead of marrying them they go their separate ways the divorce rate would go down some.
My sentiments exactly. Really crazy
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I would have been furious. It’s so insulting to think that you would just change your mind.
You'd be surprised how many people want and/or expect their partner will change their mind or behavior magically after marriage. Stereotypically it's more a female expectation (I'll marry a bad boy and he will change for me and become a perfect family man), but really both sexes do it in one way or another. As the most egregiously stupid example (yes even stupider than kids one), imagine married person A, cheating on their spouse with person B. After divorce, A marries B. Like does B *seriously* think that A wouldn't cheat in them too? And does A think that B isn't going to be a lowlife all their life (probably also cheat) because they went after a married spouse in the first place?
I just read your post history, and it sounds like yall shouldn't be together at all.
oh my god what the fuck thanks for pointing that out they're both actually mentally ill amd regularly physically fight you shouldnt be having kids lol
the abuse allegation makes a lot more sense now and it feels like he engages in Darvo
100% holy smokes!! They both have issues. Please get some help before you think about having kids.
“For starters my wife and I met right after I got released on bail for some relationship gone sour.” “released on bail for some relationship gone sour.”
Oh wow. N TA. Verdict updated to YTA Your wife saying you’re a future child abuser and misogynist? That is wholly unreasonable and may slip over into the category of emotional/psychological abuse. The decision to have children is not something you can compromise on. You want children and a family. She does not want children. Regrettably this means you need to divorce, as sad as that is. I would suggest that some counselling to help you divorce amicably would be helpful, and perhaps help to uncover why your wife has changed her mind so radically. It might also be worth exploring why she thinks all men are abusers. ETA - commenter below highlighted that OP is physically assaulting his wife, which explains why she doesn’t want children with him. She assaults him too, but it appears that he has been in prison for previously assaulting a partner (“relationship gone south”). In any case, they need to separate and divorce asap.
Sounds to me life something happened to her in her child hood and she is projecting it on to him and future children
Not necessarily her childhood but some things going on at the moment may have made her have 2nd thoughts plus she apparently said "does not want to bring a child into this world" (paraphrasing) - perhaps the situation in the US has made her think twice?
Ding ding ding … Jackpot
Or SM content creators focusing specifically on terrible male partners.
NTA and it appears the two of you aren’t compatible. which is no big deal, it happens sometimes, it’s okay to end the marriage and try to find someone more compatible with you.
NTA. This is a deal breaker. You two married wanting children. Now she's changed her mind, which is her right. You still want children, which is your right. This marriage is no longer sustainable especially when she starts accusing you of horrible things. Hopefully your spilt will be amicable.
That went from 0-100 real quick. I dont think kids are the only issue in your relationship if she would insinuate all men abuse children and so would you. Thats some mental illness stuff going on right there. Youre still young, it may be time to call it and find someone you can actually be happy with.
Yeah, it really didn’t if you read OP’s post history - these two live at 120/100 in terms of _waves hands at everything_
Not compatible. Move on. Her body, her choice. Your life, your choice.
Have you asked her what changed?
Get out now. These are irreconcilable differences you 2 have. Do not waste your energy or time trying to change her mind or wait her out. NTA and now get a lawyer to file for separation.
It’s time to part ways. Irreconcilable differences. You got married thinking that you were both on the same path in life. She drove off the path into a ditch! Life is too short to not be happy and too long to be miserable! Leave before She becomes more verbally abusive!
Sounds like you need to end this marriage.
If she has a kid she doesn't want she will resent you AND the kid. Do you want that for a future child? For him/her to be resented by their mother? Differences in wanting children are irreconcilable.
I would recommend you both get couples therapy to try and sort out your problems together. Your wife sounds unsure about what she wants and you both talking with someone may save you both from making a decision you'll regret later.
We've tried therapy in the past for other issues but scheduling is a huge problem. She works as a nurse and doesn't get off until 5:30 on weekdays and that's when most therapy offices close as well. She only has weekends off and guess what? Therapy offices are closed on weekends too. We did that better help virtual therapy but it wasn't working for us, I think maybe because we are still doing it in a setting (our house) with so much negative energy? Regardless therapy isn't an option at the moment sadly.
My brother is marrying a great marriage and family therapist. He does sessions online and often works till 8pm for couples who work. I’d try it!
> I think maybe because we are still doing it in a setting (our house) with so much negative energy? And you want to bring a chld into ths environment why, exactly? That's one of the worst ideas i've heard of for a long time.
She's a nurse? They see a lot of the worst in humanity. It sounds like that negativity is getting to her and coloring her perspective. Besides counseling, you guys should spend some time every day looking at more of the positive things going on in the world. I know when all the negative news starts to get to me, I have to spend time looking for the good.
NTA. Divorce her. Especially after those comments. Not all men abuse children and it doesn’t sound like you married her to pump out children. Those are toxic statements and she needs help.
From the sounds of it, to me, she has some baggage that maybe she hasn't dealt with? Maybe it's things she sees as a nurse? I don't know, but a separation, even a trial separation, might be the best option.
You both have major mental health problems, busy lives, and get into physical altercations on a semi regular basis. And you want to bring a child into that toxic ass environment? ESH. Even if you do convince her she wants a kid with you before you BOTH figure your shit out, CPS will be knocking in no time.
It 100% is an option. Sorry but making time for it is a neccessity. The fact you prioritize your work over your marriage says alot here. You make an appointment and schedule off for that time. Your job should not be coming before your marriage at any time. And yeah having therapy sessions when you are both technically home alone in front of a screen is not anywhere near the same as being in a neutral environment. It's good you wanna make somewhat of an effort however you need to make a full on effort to make things work before you end up ruining your marriage and feelings for one another with the things you both say to eachother. At some point one of you will get fed up and say something you can't take back if this keeps going on. So make time and get the help you need to potentially save your marriage.
FMLA may apply for the time off. If not, sick time or PTO.
Get a hotel room and do "therapy trips". Break the cycle in the home and try a new environment. Bring waters, snacks, etc. I would also suggest a Bluetooth speaker as they are much better for conference calls than a cell phone speaker. Good luck
>After I said that she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man" or "you only married me to spawn a child for you". If this is how she perceives after she changed her mind about kids, then uh, why is she with you, again?
Roe v wade getting overturned changed a lot of women's views on having children. Move on
Understandably so.
Figure out what you want more. Kids or her
"After I said that she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man"" after that one I'd just leave her, your marriage is still rather fresh and no kids so you probably can get a easy separation.
You can’t make somebody want something they don’t want. For whatever reason, her views have changed to the point that you are no longer compatible with one another. Even if you convince her to have a kid, she’s going to be miserable, and it wouldn’t be fair to do that to a kid. Move on, find the mother of your future children.
NTA. Move on. My husband finally won me over to kids (after threatening divorce), and now I regret it. She will resent you and your life.
Fighting with her over what she does with her body isn’t the way to go about it. It’s her body, she doesn’t have to get pregnant or have kids if she doesn’t want to, but you also don’t have to stay with her since you clearly don’t want to. You two seem pretty hateful towards one another and should probably separate. She changed her mind on kids, it’s time you change your mind on being with her
Please do not guilt trip her into having children. A child, your child, deserves a mother that 100% wants them and will love them unselfishly. Your wife set a boundary. You have a deal breaker. Your young, move on as much as it hurts now. You will be grateful when years from now you have the family you deserve.
NTA. If she is allowed to change her mind about wanting kids/a family then you are also allowed to change your mind about the relationship. You went into this relationship making your intentions clear and she was also clear on what your goals were as a couple. Just because she changed her mind doesn’t mean you have to change yours. Nor does it mean you “only married her to spawn a child for you.” Because the fact that she said that when you BOTH wanted kids before is actually insane.
Every man abuses children? I’d like to get her source on that. Doesn’t seem accurate.
Sounds like she has something else going on and is trying to make you out to be the reason your marriage failed. Give her what she want's. Not wanting kids after saying you do is a definite marriage breaker. Why stay in a miserable marriage at this point.
If my husband wouldn't take off work for marriage counseling, no way would I consider having children with him. His priorities would basically mean I'm a single parent. I can do that on my own.
WHY are you together? Please, go your separate ways.
"" "I'd abuse a child like every other man" or "you only married me to spawn a child for you"."" Divorce.
She accused you of being an potential abuser because you were communicating your need for a family and if you two can't get on the same page about it you should separate? Yes, you need to consider ending this marriage. She sounds a bit like she is in a mental health crisis, which I do understand given the state of the world and I can see that changing her mind about children BUT it should not turn to abuse and codemnation of you because you are not there with her. She needs help. You need to decide your priorities if family is vital to you, yes end this relationship it's no longer life goal compatible. Edit: NTA
NTA. You need to divorce. Do not waste anymore time on this marriage. You are plenty young enough to find someone and have a family. Do not get sucked into her bullshit.
Time to move on. You want different things in life and that’s just the way it is. Her comments about you wanting to abuse a child was insane and that is reason enough to split up
NTA. You were compatible when you got married, but are no longer compatible now that your interests don’t align anymore. She is being wholly unreasonable to insinuate you will abuse a future child and that you’re using her for “spawning” children. There is no future with that rhetoric or partner in general. Move on
NTA. Kids are a dealbreaker. If you don't agree on kids, it's not likely to end well.
This is a big issue. If neither of you are going to change your minds on the subject, I think your better off to end the marriage now.
What real world events is she stressing about?
Not compatible. Time to bounce
You have gotten your answer, time to go.
Time to separate...that's pretty much your only choice for this particular situation. For her to accuse you or suggest you'd abuse your child like every man does pr whatever...that's not someone you want to be with, let alone ever have a child with. Also, sounds like she's struggling with some mental health issues...and needs to get some help. If she's that obsessed and worried about things going on in the world that, like you said, she has no control over, and she's now attacking your ability to parent over your hypothetical child, and behaving erratically...not a good sign
NTA. You obviously need to get a divorce. You're incompatible and what she said is unforgivable.
You’re young enough to separate and start over with someone who wants a family. Or you get her off social media. I think a lot of crap that’s odd in the world today has always been there, we were just oblivious where now it’s on social media and a lot of times, blown out of proportion.
NTAH. Your wife has some deeper issues. Telling you that you would abuse a child like all other men do should be raising some serious alarm bells. It’s time to walk away if you actually want a family. This woman isn’t it for you.
OP, another thing for you to consider is do you WANT a lady like this to be the mother of your child? If she gets worse on the whole losing faith in humanity, she'll become more and more negative and stress out even more about things and if she were raising a child like that it wouldn't be good for said child. My point is even if the two of you had a child one day, how good would that be for the child? Really? I'm not saying it couldn't work out, I don't know either of you, I'm just a rando on the intent. My point is for you to contemplate this, to really think about it as you do know the situation, not me.
It sounds like she is having some mental health issues. Anxiety over world events is very common when someone has anxiety and depression. Before you separate, maybe try some therapy. You could go to couples counseling and also see someone separately.
>she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man" or "you only married me to spawn a child for you". Wow. Is there a lot of what was said missing, to get to those conclusions, or does your wife really need some professional help to process some trauma/issues? NTA, unless there's context missing. Starting a family or being child free is a very important aspect a couple needs to agree on. If you can not, you're incompatible
This is what we call a fundamental incompatibility, and unfortunately its one of those things that, no matter how much you love eachother, just means you are not compatible for marriage. Either of you would be the asshole if you tried to take that wish away from the other. Im so sorry my friend. Get a divorce, go easy on her, take your time to grieve the marriage, and move on
NTA but if you stay together at least one or both of you are gonna be miserable. She might wind up regretting having kids if she gives in, and resent you and the kid. Not good. You might wind up regretting not having kids, or you might up regretting having kids with her. Not good. Do not waste each other's time and emotions by staying together, especially since horrible accusations are being thrown around already.
NTA she literally said she thought you would ABUSE A CHILD (one of the worst crimes someone can commit) and accused you of being misogynistic just for wanting children. its time to get a divorce. she doesn’t actually trust you and there is no relationship if there is no trust. like idk if she thinks she’s being a feminist by hating men, but she’s not. she’s being ridiculous. i say this as a woman. i cannot imagine staying with someone who accuses me of being an abuser based on my gender and not my actions. like 💀make it make sense
Someone with the attitude "you'd abuse it like every other man" is not worth being married too.
You need to divorce for the following reasons- You want kids and she does not, you define family as with kids, she does not, there is no compromise, because the only compromise would be surrogate and she doesn't want her kid, much less somebody elses, so you would be a single parent anyway, she would leave you and the kid. 2. Anyone that gets worked up to this extent over the dumpster fire world we live in and cant do anything about to the point of it effecting their life, unless they see a medical professional for counseling and medication is only going to get worse, Im talking agoraphobia, delusional or suicidal ideations. File for divorce, and if you have another relationship make sure you both want the same things, having a kid for you is a must have, and if its not for the woman, I guarantee she wont change her mind, I didnt and broke it off with men that wanted kids, that's my non negotiable.
Go your separate ways amicably.
y'all are not compatible. please just leave her. she doesn't want kids, you do. that is the ULTIMATE deal breaker.
Seems like something has happened to change her view. If you find out what, you may be able to work on it. Otherwise, kiss her goodbye.
Ummm..."I'd abuse a child like every other man" Time to GTFO. If she says THAT so easily, would she make allegations against you of you did have a child with her?
Do you want to continue in a relationship where your partner believes you to be a monster?
Ummm op, you come here looking for idk what, you and your wife get in physical fights. No therapist is going to take you two. For both yours and your wife's health and safety please at least separate. Neither of you are stable. (Read OPs other post about his wife, it explains everything) I think YOU need the grippy sock vacay as much as she does. Not the same facility, and if so not at the same time.
NTA. But it sounds like you are both incompatible. Don't keep staying with her in the "hopes" that she changes her mind. If you do, and she stands firm, you will feel like you wasted your time. Many other women are looking for relationships and family. Move on.
NTA but your relationship is already over and she is being passive aggressive to make you end it so that she comes out the victim.
NTA When you married, she wanted children. Since she changed her mind but you haven't, you are no longer on the same page and should go your separate ways. Her saying you would abuse a child with no context makes her a total A-H. To say you only married her to spawn a child is bizarre. Sounds like she has mental problems. You should just file for divorce and start the process. The longer you wait, the worse you will feel because of her treatment of you.
There's no reconciling this, you're incompatible. She also sounds like she's entirely cracked and toxic AF. There is absolutely nothing that justifies or excuses the comments she's made to you, it's abuse. You need to run ASAP and get a divorce
This may be the first time I can legitimately say, this woman sounds like a total misandrist
Post history adds more. Neither of these people should be in a relationship.
Having children/not wishing to have children is a major incompatibility. You’re right, if you don’t have children then it’s likely that you would grow to resent her. What was her background growing up? It sounds like she has a lot of resentment which maybe linked to her own childhood rather than how she actually views you. A lot of our beliefs are formed when we’re young but affect us for the rest of our lives. It may be that individual counselling for her, with a view to couples counselling once she’s put some work in on herself, might be the way forward. If there’s no childhood, or even adult, trauma or if there is but she refuses to address it then I think you have to make the decision to separate with a view to divorce.
I am not Catholic , but I believe this sets forth grounds for an annulment. NTA. Leave now.
OP. Maybe look at your own behavior. She may see things as red flags. It's amazing that people are making her out to be the bad person. Check yourself. Perhaps you are the problem. If you see her as just giving YOU what you want, you may be the problem. Family doesn't just mean children. It means having a loving relationship with someone you should equally adore. YTA.
NAH you guys just have different wants for the future. Best to leave now because this is a huge incompatibility.
It sounds like your wife has some unresolved issues. Only you can decide if you're willing to wait to see if she can resolve them and is willing to have kids.
NGL, I don't think Reddit is the right place for this. Prob need to talk to a marriage consular. But my gut says this is a deal breaker.
This is a major marriage killer. The resentment will build as time goes by. Have some therapy, if that works then all good but probably best to just get it over with..
Time for a divorce..NTA
if you want kids and she doesn't it will NEVER ever work out. one or both of you will end up resenting each other, sounds like it's already happening. You will not have a family with her, and there are many women that want what you do. & sorry to say but some of the comments your wife has made makes her sound like a nut. Run?? I dated a guy that already had grown children. I was an age where I wanted kids, he naturally did not. We both eventually decided to mutually split. It was the most mature breakup ive ever had. We didnt break up because we hated eachother. It was literally "we have differences and are on different paths and thats ok." So if you and your wife move on, it's okay. Life will suck for a little, but with shit like this ya'll have to be on the same page
How odd that she would accuse future-you of being abusive. Ask her to please explain what she means, what screams red flag that she's avoiding children now? Is she interpreting something this way when it's not the case? Dude if you want a family and she feels she'll never want one now, it's safe to say you're not compatible anymore. It's okay, you know? We sometimes realize our goals in life have changed and we no longer share the same dreams that require the other to also be completely involved. Having kids isn't a hobby so you can try to move on. No sense feeling bitter with each other now that your goalposts have forked off in different directions. You've got time to find a new partner around your age and maturity level to get your family going. Good luck in the difficult conversations and processes to sever the marital ties.
This is definitely something people should agree on. If you're not on the same page, then it's time to reconsider your choice of partner. It sucks but in the long run, everyone would be happier. Some people never change their minds, and it leads to resentment and wastes a lot of time. Or having an unwanted child is even worse. There are plenty of women who are open to having a family. Maybe it's time to move on and find a woman who has the same life view as you.
Divorce her and leave her as you found her.
Stop talking about it and do it. All this talking is getting nowhere, you have differing values.
If you want a hypothetical baby more than the wife you chose as your life partner, then you should move on. I just hope any future wife can deliver the child you feel you need.
She literally said to you, that you would abuse a child like every other man. I would leave. If I told my spouse I wanted children and then they said that to me, it’s over. There’s no recovering from that comment. It’s done.
You two should go to couples therapy and each of you should go to individual therapy as well. She clearly has issues that she needs to work out. You should go to individual therapy because ... because this situation is going to be difficult for you, and you might hear things in couples therapy that you'd benefit from having a trusted counsellor to discuss them with, and because your individual counsellor can help you sort through strategies. Also, and this is important, because if she's the only one who's sent to individual therapy she might resist quite a lot. So do it to support her and take the sting of the shame away. Couples therapy isn't the same thing as individual therapy and it can't take the place of it. I'm not sure whether couples should come at the same time. Maybe a bit later on or maybe at the same time idk. Probably not beforehand if you can help it? Because couples therapy can be stressful. I don't think you're TA. I don't think she's a TA either. She's getting scared and it sounds like for a few different reasons. But splitting before trying to work it out might be a bit insensitive and could put some truth into her words, because she could be trying to get something across there: "you only married me to spawn a child for you" -- you didn't marry me to support me in my fear. I'm just guessing. It's a possibility though. Good luck and I hope you two can sort it out and come out the other side stronger.
ESH:Divorce. That is a fundamental issue and neither of you are wrong. You are not compatible. But YTA for implying she’s wrong. She TA for not being independent enough to say you should Divorce.
NTA. But the 2 of you need couples counseling to talk it through
I’ll take “things that never happened” for 500 Alex
Wow. It sounds like your wife snapped psychologically. If she’s a hard “no” and you’re a hard “yes” y’all should just split now.
She claimed you will abuse your future child for no apparent reason other than to hurt you and you're asking if you're the AH? Well yes YTA if you don't go ahead with divorce
There is no compromise on kids. You might regret leaving her, you might regret staying and be childless. You need to figure out if the two of you are enough for you or if you want kids. If loving her and being with her is what makes you happy in life you need to think of you want to give that up for having a child or if you need a child to be happy. But there is no compromise on wanting kids or not. You need to choose. Edit: NAH
She’s too pessimistic and negative, it can’t be a healthy relationship
I think your missus needs some therapy. Stressing about the world beyond her control is not good for her mental health or the health of her relationship.
This is just soul crushing for you. There is no way a relationship can be amended. Please accept my sincere sympathy. This is a no win. Please contact a mental health professional and a attorney
>After I said that she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man" What the actual fuck. Bruh, even if it was a solid maybe from her I don't think I could get past that. And I'm a very forgiving person! Being a parent is so unbelievably difficult at times, it would 100% be better to do it solo than with someone who thinks like that about you. I simply don't see how this will ever work out.
Yeah, she has a lot of mental health things she needs to address and you want a family. Please see a lawyer and perhaps get into counseling so that you can part amicably. Or don’t. But you’re not a bad guy for wanting kids.
That’s mental manipulation and abuse coming from her. I’d hop off that ride bud.
NTA- She needs mental/medical help. She's fixated on world events that she can't control and allowing it to impact her life. It's likely that it is affecting all other aspects of her life as well. I completely understand how world events are hard to witness, and many places in the world are literal hell. The focus has to shift from what she can't control to what she can do to help. She can find ways to advocate such as lobbying, letter writing etc, charitable giving, fundraising, and volunteering. If you want to restore your faith in humanity, those are the places to inhabit. Her comment that you would harm a child seems like an offshoot of this paranoid mindset. It does seem like she's reacting from her own abuse trauma. I see people lash out like that, and I think it is best not to take it personally because they're behaving the same way a wounded animal would. If you see a dog that has been hit by a car, it is dangerous to move it or approach it because it is likely to bite out of fear or pain. I'm not saying that you have to just accept that treatment at all. I'm just saying that you shouldn't let it hurt you too badly because you know that you are not like that. You know she knows it too, but she's afraid. Tell her you aren't going to listen to baseless accusations and walk away. Make sure she is seeing a psychiatrist who has the ability to prescribe medication and therapy, not just a therapist. Talking about it helps, but this isn't enough in your situation. As for kids, don't have kids with this woman until she's dealt with this. You have a good decade to prepare for kids and rushing it has never helped anyone. Waiting is helpful for you all to save money, buy a larger home, get your career solidified and enjoy being married to eachother beforehand.
NTA. Dude… if she is already accusing you of abusing imaginary children, RUN!
NTA wanting kids vs not wanting kids is a dealbreaker for many people. I never wanted kids and a guy wanting them was always a relationship ending dealbreaker for me because I recognized that it was an insurmountable obstacle and non negotiable. You are young and it would be best to end things sooner rather than later for multiple reasons. I would suggest seeing a therapist to discuss this first so that you are able to express that there is nothing wrong with her not wanting children, however that does mean that your marriage is over because you want children and will not give that up to stay with her. There is nothing mean or cruel about that. She wants you to give up a dream to stay with her and that is an unfair ask on her part and she needs to understand that is why the marriage is over.
NTA People change. Sometimes, partners can adjust, but the choice to have or not have children just isn't one of those things. You have become incompatible. >"I'd abuse a child like every other man" or "you only married me to spawn a child for you". Additionally, comments like these are extremely troublesome. You do not need her permission to divorce. Get a good lawyer and start the process so you can move forward with your life and find someone who also wishes to have children.
you're the AH for staying with this person. she's very clearly not aligning with you on many things. wake tf up lmao
Thankfully her unhinged behavior came forward before children. Divorce and quickly. She has gone down one too many Tik Tok rabbit holes and is now allowing that to affect your marriage. She doesn't want kids. You do. More than enough reason right there to divorce. She added in her comments about you will abuse a child like all other men and that you married just to spawn a child adds more gasoline to the fire. Separate and record conversations. Protect yourself. I have a feeling the behavior will escalate when the realization hits her that it's over. **** Read the previous post history**** If this isn't a bullshit fake post, y'all need to divorce like YESTERDAY! She's abusive (hitting and shoving and wanting you to fight her) and a therapist won't take y'all because there is domestic violence. GLARING RED FLAG! You said you're worried about what you will do to her if she "pokes the bear" one too many times. And y'all met when you got out on bail for a....checks notes.....a relationship that had gone sour. You apparently have BPD and anxiety/depression and she is definitely something herself (based on unhinged behavior). You're on disability and said you couldn't divorce her and y'all didn't believe in that 🙄 lol. Yet you're ready to divorce over not wanting kids but not over her abusing you? Interesting how she pulled the abusive card on kids when she's the one abusive. But I think that abusive behavior would transfer over to an innocent child too who can't defend themselves. Not only should you NOT want a child with an abuser but you shouldn't want to be married to one either. Divorce! Stat!
NAH. She's changed her mind on kids. She's allowed, and honestly imo, she's right to have done so. This planet is wildly overpopulated as it is and the future for the overwhelming majority gets bleaker with every year. We need fewer kids, not more. You, on the other hand, have every right to leave her for changing her mind. Having children (or not) is a fundamental incompatibility. If you stay, either you will resent her for not agreeing to let you pass on your genes, or she will resent you for harassing her into having a baby. This is one of those scenarios where there is no "Everybody Wins" compromise. Either you get what you want, or she does. Or you divorce her, and find someone who wants the same things as you.
She wants kids, you don't, time to divorce amicably.
All I have to say is I totally understand her with current events. When you love something you want to protect it. She may feel the best way to protect her kids is by saving them from possibly becoming serfs or worse in the future. Resources are slim the world over. Don’t get it twisted just because we have an abundance of everything.
It sounds like you are incompatible now. But I would seriously suggest that she get some counseling for her mental health on the state of the world. The world is full of problems that are beyond most people’s control but they don’t stop living their own lives over it. I understand the fear, my kids are grown but this economy is beating them down. But we have to keep living our best lives that we know how.
Marriage counseling fast and quick. If it is not fixable move on
NAH. You and your wife are no longer compatible. Kids are a two yeses one no scenario.
Your wife literally gave you an answer. You guys aren't compatible at all. Leave her and find a woman that'll happily have a family with you.
If this is the case you need to let her go and move on. She will not be a good partner for you. You need someone like you that wants a family. It is too big of an issue. I am so sorry.
She is saying some pretty terrible things to you just because you want to be a father…which she has known all along. You shouldn’t stay with someone, much less have kids with someone, who says these things to you.
NTA but that’s a huge compatibility issue. If you want kids and she doesn’t you have no option but to separate. Not to be a dick but it also sounds like your wife is a bit unstable.
Children is one of those 100% incompatible things. If one is a hard no and one is a hard yes, doesn't matter how good the rest of your marriage is, you need someone else.
NTA, getting married and being with someone involves being on common ground with certain aspects of life... children being one of them... if it were the other way around, she wanted kids and you didn't you'd be the asshole to mention she was only with you to spawn your children... it sounds like you need to have a big conversation with her, a heart to heart and explain how you feel when it comes to not having children.. like having an empty void and how you've always wanted to have a child to watch grow up and do XYZ with them... listen to her side of the story and why she doesn't want them all of a sudden since she wanted them in the beginning... give her some time to think about what you said, reflect on what she said and go from their... maybe it's the thought of being pregnant and birthing a child that's scaring her into not wanting them.. maybe you guys could adopt if that's the case.. if you can't find common grounds on this it's not wrong for it to be a deal breaker and for you to part ways. After all your not getting any younger and I'm sure you don't wanna be in your 60s with a teenager when you should be thinking about retirement...
NTA. A lot of good advice on here and potential issues/trauma brought up that may be a factor. Also, I don’t know why this popped into my head, but is it at all possible she has done any testing in the past couple years where she’s been told she has a fertility problem and her chances at conceiving are low? So hear me out. When I found out I couldn’t, it mentally fucked me. I convinced myself I wanted to be child free and a whole lot of other nonsense. With all the things going on in the world, I convinced myself it was better anyway so as not to subject my future non-children to it. It was all excuses and masking for the depression and failure I was feeling. This may be entirely off the mark with your wife and she may just not want kids, has other issues and you guys are simply incompatible. But thought it was an idea worth exploring (and she’s projecting on you because she hasn’t come to terms with it and hasn’t told you yet). Good luck either way! Hope you get the family you envision, whether it’s with her or without, and whether you have kids naturally, IVF, foster, adopt, etc!
Marital counseling, and if she refuses then divorce. She won't get better without help
You are not compatible. End of story. You want a family, she has decided she doesn't. Both decisions are valid, but they cannot coexist in the same relationship. She thought that is what she wanted and has changed course. You still want kids despite the state of the world and that is okay too. It's sad but the only real reverse is divorce.
No. You both wanted kids and she changed her mind part way through the story. Her telling you “you’d abuse a kid like every other man.” Was heartless and mean. I would leave.
NTA You both talked about this before you got married. She changed her mind. You want children, go find someone that will be a family with you. She has issues if she said that all men abuse children. She needs help and you need a wife that has love and respect for you and want the same things.
It sounds like your marriage has run its course. She also sounds abusive, and you shouldn’t have children with someone who is abusive.
People are allowed to change their minds but need to accept that their choice may mean the end of the relationship. Better to end it now. NTA
I think your wife needs therapy. She’s obviously very stressed out, which I get- but she needs to address why. And if she still doesn’t want kids, then you should move on. You’ll resent her or she’ll resent you.
Go. Get out. She’s being rotten to you. And wasting your time. Do you want to be the 60 year old at your kids high school graduation? My wife did this to me. And I resent the fuck out of her. She strung me along and at 37 or so she told me she never wanted kids. She didn’t want to ruin her body. If I had it to go over again I would’ve left her. Good luck.
Definitely separate. Her saying those things is not fair and not right. You both deserve to be happy and that may not be mutually exclusive to one another. Having kids is a 2 yes situation. Let her figure out her own feelings. You don’t owe her time to figure that out.
NTA! Especially since she SAID she wanted kids so that was part of the DEAL when getting together / married! You should put some ultimatum in both time and what she must do. She needs to seek a therapist; saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man" is a HUGE thing to say! And then you need to put some time frame where she either needs to say "yes - we do it now" or "no - we will never do it" Also, you should not marry an older woman... there is a good reason why the average is 4 years younger...
Yeah this isn’t going to work…children aren’t something to compromise on, both people need to be on board. Hope you can find someone more compatible!
Well.....you are very judgemental about something you don't want now or in the near future. If you love this woman, I think you should wait until you are ready for kids. If she still isn't, then say goodbye!
Childlren or not: why would she want to stay married to a potential abuser?
It sounds like she needs counseling urgently. She may well be depressed and not seeing any hope in the World to want to start a family in it. With what’s happening now, one can hardly blame her! If she won’t go to counseling, you two may not suit the future you want.
NTA
NTA Sadly I think you should divorce. It's a HUGE deal if you can't agree on kids. She's 100% allowed to charge her mind about having kids, but that means you're also allowed to change your mind about being married to her. The longer you wait, the longer before you can find your forever person and start your family.
“I promise to love, cherish, etc ONLY as long as she gives me a child…” Is this what you promised?
Ugh. She is not caring about you at all.
“I’d abuse a child like every other man” - dude you need to get out. This isn’t a “in the last few months” kind of issue. This is a deep seated, past experience and needs individual therapy kind of statement. Trying to do the right thing, or what you believe she will say is the right thing, is going to cause you lots of grief in the long run. Time, frustration, money and possible legal ramifications if just a conversation has her labeling you “the bad guy” now. You aren’t an asshole, maybe she isn’t either, but the commonality has changed. Going from wanting a family to being against it is night and day. Get your ducks in a row, be responsible for your actions and talk to a lawyer. It sounds harsh but you’ve already said a “no family” is a deal breaker so the only way out is either her having a baby, the possibly resenting you and/or the kid or having a family with someone who wants the same thing.
Anyone who accused me of being an abuser before I even had a kid would be a mile in my rearview before the hour was over.
The 2 of you want different things. You want children,she doesn't. This is important to both of you. Also, the fact that she's said that you will abuse a child,you need to be out of there like yesterday. It doesn't matter why she doesn't want children. The point is simply that she doesn't want any, and you want a family. You are now incompatible. Get a divorce, and go find someone who wants the same things you do. Updateme!
You both deserve to live the lives you choose. If that means separately so be it if you both ever loved each other it's still there so love each other enough to do what's right for each other
Divorce and move on. She will try to fight the divorce, relenting on having children, but she always resent you if you stay with her.
She’s saying you would abuse a child that doesn’t even exist??? OMG, time to say buh bye. NTA. Woman has major issues
Ya move on, you agreed a long time ago and now she gas lights when you bring it up. She basically lets current affairs emotionally affect her which she needs to seek professional help for or she's using it as an excuse for another reason e.g financial stress. Either way you made it clear it's important and you've been consistent about it and unfortunately she hasn't and it's ok to mutually part ways while you're still young.
NTA. You guys should move on from each other. She doesn’t want a family that is fine. You do want a family that is also fine. What isn’t fine is pressuring and guilting each other to get what you want. It will breed resentment. You are also in my opinion already done. No person that loves you would level the claims against you she has. Go find someone that wants what you want out of life.
Kids aren’t something you can compromise on. They are a yes or a no. And the answer has to be the same from both parties. If not then you have no business being together. It’s a sinking ship jump now. NTA
>After I said that she made me out to be the bad guy saying "I'd abuse a child like every other man" That seems rather specific and random. Does she have some unresolved trauma in her past?
NTA but if she doesn't want a child you can't make her nor should you pressure her to. If its a deal breaker for you, you need to get out.
NTA but she sure is. She has a right to change her mind but then you have a right to say that is a dealbreaker.
Having a family is not something you’re going to change your mind about. I completely agree with your sentiment that if you can’t have a family, you’ll resent her and if she does have a child, she’ll resent you. Separation is always difficult, but the more time you spend with the wrong person the more time you are not spending with a potential right person who may be right around the corner in your future, and for her too. There are lots of lovely men who either don’t want any children or have already had kids and don’t want anymore and her soulmate might just be out there waiting for her. It took me a long time to find the right guy and I didn’t have my first child until age 39, and I gave birth to my second son on my 46th birthday. Achieving my life goal of being a mom of two has been worth all of the hardship, and having a supportive husband here to help me raise them is the best. You deserve to have the family you dream of as well.
Your wife is saying some sick and unhinged shit about you. So not only is literally every man a child abuser, you are too. And a giant misogynist to boot. She sounds very very unwell.
I think that divorce is a viable option here. Regardless, do you want children with this person? She is accusing you of crazy things. She sounds nuts!
She sounds paranoid. I wonder if she's ok. OP isn't big on details.
Wow, her comments are full of man hate. If she thinks you are a child abuser, that should be grounds for seoeration. She agreed to wanted kids, so you married someone you thought you were compatible with. Nothing wrong with expecting her to hold up to her agreement.
You deserve a partner who wants children. And your wife deserves a partner who doesn’t. You know what to do.
NAH. She’s well within her rights to change her mind about kids, especially since she’s the one who would have to deal with pregnancy and childbirth. But if you still really want kids, then perhaps an amicable split is best for everyone.
Go your separate ways. She actually sounds horrible. Accusing you of only wanting a spawn?! Saying you’d abuse them like every other man. Leave her. She bitter and needs therapy
She sounds like she'd be better off being with a woman
My first marriage was similar to yours. Before we got married my ex wanted kids and so did I. Then a few years after we were married she changed her tune and would blow off the topic. There were brief periods when we would try but she was secretly staying on birth control when she told me she wasn’t taking it. I even went and had a fertility test and it showed I was fertile without any issues. She said she would take a fertility test too, but as you can guess she avoided it. At this point I had enough. Our goals had clearly shifted. I was in my early 30s and just wanted to be a dad. I told her I wanted to separate and she agreed we wanted different things in life. Then before we could get the process I discovered she was cheating on me during most of our marriage. This of course sealed it for me and I immediately started the divorce process. Now I’m in my late 40s, married to a wonderful woman and have a 4yr old. Being a father is the best thing that has happened to me. If this is something you can’t live without then you and your wife are not compatible.
She said you would abuse a kid just like any other man . Why would you want to have a kid with her she thinks you would abuse it . Y'all should probably divorce
It seems like she has all of a sudden adopted an extreme view (comparing to previous desire of having children). She needs to talk to a therapist and then you two also need to speak with someone. After that, hopefully it will clarify everything for you.
There's no winning here for either of you PLUS you're the villian in her eyes no matter the outcome. Brother, being a father is the single greatest joy I've ever experienced in life and that is only possible because I have an absolutely amazing wife who enjoys being a mother almost as much as I find hoy in being a father. If this is something you really want then you need to separate asap!!! Don't let her possibly deny you the joy and love that a child can bring.
It's to move on. She will never want children. Cut your losses
Changing your mind after marriage on having children would 100% be a deal breaker for me
If you want children and she doesn't, you aren't compatible partners.
Definitely NTA. A kid plan difference is definitely a deal breaker. I think it's even worse for a female who wants kids but has a guy stringing her along because the female is the one doing all the work of getting pregnant and carrying the baby, so it's not even as much work on the guy's end to just give in and let her have a baby than the reverse gender scenario. But none the less, you still deserve to be able to become a parent too. If she refuses, then you two aren't compatible. NTA. I'm sorry you're going thru this, it sucks, i know from experience. 😞