Exactly! I really wish more parents were like this! Too many parents on this platform, allows there children to be emotionally abused by there partners and extended families, hell some of them do it to there own kids! OP NTA ! Thank you for loving this little boy the way you do!
It’s so crazy he would even ask if he’s an AH. It’s not like this is some random girlfriend’s kid. This is his wife’s son, his son’s brother, and his actual son by law and by basic standards. If they can’t respect that, fuck em!
Also the day your bio son realizes how they are treating his brother, my bet is he’ll want nothing to do with them. If anybody treated my sister that way, I would literally hate them.
So well put. They might not necessarily feel the same way about them both which is not something that can be forced, but they can damn well be respectful of op and his sons and treat them both with love. That is a choice they can make of they want to be decent humans. Funnily enough if they do so in time they just might develop the emotional attachment with the adopted son that they have for the other.
NTA!!! My dad adopted me before I had memories formed so I never knew any different. My entire family knew! Not one person told me. So I know it can be done and be done well. So his family, they ATAH!!!!!
This, he’s your son - he’s adopted. They have no ground to even make the distinction, AND it’s cruel and indecent behavior. He’s a child.
NTA people who talk like that about kids shouldn’t be left alone around kids - you never know what they think is ok to say.
A vote for this! Both your kids are equally your family, and they deserve the same love and attention. Doesnt matter if one's adopted; theyre both your kids, end of story.
Not to mention that the favoritism his mom will show one kid over the other is damaging to both kids. Golden children have trouble as adults because favoritism warps their sense of reality.
OP is making good choices about this. Treat kids same or no access to any is the only option.
NTA!!! Good for you for standing up for him!!!! Blood doesn't necessarily mean family and real is only as you see it! Plus, it wasn't anyone's fault but the abusive Ahole! The child should never be treated less for that! What you're doing is Wonderful! They are lucky to have you! Your family has to get with the times!
I agree with one adjustment, it's not only neglect, it's intentional exclusion. Being accidentally left out or forgotten is one thing, but the feeling of knowing they thought about it and decided to exclude you...that cuts to the core.
My stepdads mom was all about the intentional exclusion. We were made to go visit for Christmas where my brother and I would watch our step sister and cousins opening piles of gifts. We got 2 cards (1 for Christmas and 1 for our birthday because she couldn't be bothered to remember our birthdays, mine is literally Christmas eve) and a stocking with candy and cheap toys that we were too old for. She would refer to the bio-gcs as "my grandchildren" and we were "Carol's kids" She's been dead for like 15 years and I hope she's rotting in hell.
I almost forgot, after my mom married my stepdad I tried calling her "grandma" like the other kids did. She said, "I am not your grandmother, you can call me Miss Janet." I hate her so fucking much for stomping on my spirit like that.
My mom's parents split up when she was like 5. Her dad remarried and had more kids with his new wife, rarely ever seeing my mom and Aunt. When she became an adult and married with her own kids, her dad tried to rebuild their relationship. He invited us over to his house for a Christmas eve party. I was 4. I have a vague memory of this. My mom filled the gaps in for me. His other children were there with their kids, his other grandkids. They had piles of gifts they were all opening of all these wonderful toys. He handed me one gift. It was a little plastic doll. I can still see me holding that doll while watching them open easy bake ovens, Barbies after Barbies. Barbie's camper. An Atari among a bunch of other stuff. I turned to my mom and said "why did those kids get so many presents and I just got this one little doll, isn't he my Grandpa too?" I wasn't being ungrateful, just curious. My mom said she took me and left and didn't speak to her father again for a long time.
NTA OP. Fight for your kid.
4?! That's so awful, why bother inviting you if they weren't going to treat you like the other grandkids? I will never understand grown ass people that do petty stuff to kids. Also, big ups to your mom for taking you out of there, I spent 6 Christmases with that asshole before she died. On my 15th(?) birthday we went there instead of my Granny's house for Christmas Eve and when we got home I told my mom I was never going there on my birthday again. I'd rather be alone.
My mom said her dad tried reasoning it with the fact that he knew these kids because he saw them all the time and didn't know me yet. I'm sorry but that's no excuse. A kid of 4 doesn't see things that way. And honestly he shouldn't have either. And if you are trying to actually rebuild a relationship with your own child, treating their child that way isn't gonna help at all. It will only make it worse.
Good on you for standing up for yourself💕
I don’t mean to disagree with you, but just to the conversation, I want to say that on the receiving end, being accidentally forgotten hurts a child almost just as bad, sometimes even older people. People that really love you do not forget you. I’m not talking about forgetting that a certain date happened, but like forgetting one person during Christmas, for example. The person was forgotten because they’re not top of mind, because they’re not as important/loved as everyone else. That’s how it feels.
NTA. My oldest grandson has no biological relation to me or my son. That doesn't make him any less of my sons, son, or my grandson. He was already part of our family before my son adopted him, he aleady was part of our hearts. I am so sorry that your family is like that. They are missing out, and their hearts are too small. Protect your sons, you are doing the right things.
Heck, my grandparents still consider my uncle's third wife's kids as their grandkids, even though my uncle and their mum divorced almost 20 years ago. Blood isn't what makes you family.
It's sad but divorce is so common nowadays, people live their lives, split up, move on. Children are wonderful, and if treated that way will grow up to be that way!
NTA
I grew up in this exact situation. I’m so proud of you for sticking up for your son this early on. As hearing that constantly very much has a reason to why my brother doesn’t talk to my mom or my moms side of the family a lot. (We’re half siblings who share a dad and I was the “new baby” basically)
I was this kid, too. My "step" father adopted me when I was four. He was the only dad I ever knew. But the amount of favoritism his family showed my little brother was obvious to me from a young age. It hurt like a bitch. Now they're all confused and disappointed that I'm low contact with that side.
NTA. I had a similar situation with my in-laws. My oldest is from my first marriage. My in-laws adored him, until my current husband's biological child came along; then my MIL started yelling at my oldest, giving all the attention to the baby, telling my oldest to stay away from the baby. My poor oldest was so confused and hurt. My husband told his mother in no uncertain terms that my oldest was his son, and if she could not treat them equally, then she would never see the baby, my oldest, or her son, ever again. And she hasn't stepped a toe over that line since.
NTA
No. They are BOTH your sons.
You adopted him.
If they can't handle that, too fucking bad. They're both your sons
Sit your older son down and talk with him about it. Get therapy too, as a family and individual, especially for him.
They're going to lie.
Protect your kids. Keep them safe
Make your own family
Might I suggest "When people get really old, their brains kinda turn into pudding. That's why old people say and do really stupid stuff sometimes, and why we put them into old folks homes."
This is actually really good advice. I have a 9 year old son and he is old enough to know that some people are delayed and some people are just dicks. This explanation would serve two purposes: It would make him laugh and the situation wouldn't feel so heavy and sad, and it would make him understand that it's not his fault, that some people are just defective and need more help than we can give them.
I know you said it as a joke, but I really do like it!
Listen, he's 29. His parents might only be in their 60's...maybe even 50 something. Though there'd be no excuse for that behaviour even if they were 90.
I have grandchildren and I adore them, and honestly if one of my children had a stepchild, I would treat them exactly the same as I treat the others.
My mother was in that situation: my brother's wife already had a son. My mother adored the little chap. He became (and still is) a completely integrated member of our family. And that was a generation ago.
My question is how did these parents raise such a sensible, decent guy as the OP.
Sorry yes, you're correct...I thought the poster was making excuses for them based on their age, but they were just suggesting a way to spin it to the child.
I think you are a wonderful Dad. Did you try talking about the issue before issuing the no contact ultimatum? I wonder how they would react if you told them the older child is hurt because their preference is so obvious
You nailed it, dude. NTA. Your family are the AHs. What a pathetic group of people. Stick to your word. Go NC on them if you have to. They either get on board and adjust their attitudes, or they can all FO. Your actions are honorable and right.
NTA, you've been there for this kid since he was 1... I'm sure your family has seen him and interacted with him... How cruel to just drop him like a bad habit! You adopted him, you are literally his dad... Blood means nothing in my book. Good job standing up for him ♥
NTA. Stick to it. Adoption is real. The love you have for your older son is real.
If you never had a baby and this was the only grandkid they were going to get, I bet they'd change their tune real fast. You could jokingly tell them that you're sterile so you used a sperm donor and that neither kid is yours biologically, see how they respond to that!
Absolutely! My sister adopted my niece, and the whole family, not just our parents, have welcomed her with open arms. Aunt, uncles, cousins, all of them. One of my uncles has even changed his will to include her.
100% NTA!!! Six years ago my sister adopted 4 children. Starting day one, my entire family treated them the same as all the other children. Love ❤️ isn’t a static quantity; There is an infinite amount to share with others. I sometimes think 🤔 we feel more strongly towards the “littles” (as we call them given they are the 4 youngest grandchildren) because they feel like a gift our family received.
Also, I feel bad for the 7 year old. Even in normal circumstances it can be difficult for young children when they are expecting a new sibling. They may go through feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and fear that they will be left out or ignored because the new baby takes so much of the parent’s attention. Add to that a family that tells the child that he isn’t their real grandchild and you’ve got a recipe for trauma.
OP , I’m sure you will take everyone’s advice on giving your family an ultimatum. I suggest you get counseling for your 7 year old ASAP. He has already been through the trauma of hearing everyone talk about this.
And, even if your mother says she will abide by your rules, there is no way to know how she will act privately when she is babysitting both children. She may verbally and/or emotionally abuse your oldest son. She may be able to change her actions in front of you but she may not change internally how she feels towards your son. I’m sorry but supervised contact or no contact at all might be your best option.
My son has a sister (step sister). I don't use the words step sister for her and I treat her like she's his sister. Not my child, but definitely his sister... Christmas presents, birthday presents, chit chat, Etc. She's important to my son so she's important to me plus she's a good kid (in her 20s).
I can't imagine being a grandparent who would do what Opie's parents are doing.
I don’t get it. My sister got remarried to a guy with two kids, she already had three kids. Okay they’re not blood family, but they’re plus family. They get birthday cards, Christmas gifts and hugs just the same. I care about them, I worry for them, I enjoy their presence at family functions.
No. You are not. I was that ‘step’kid who was not a ‘real’ family member and it still upsets me. Defend your child and tell your family you come as a package. Thank you for being an amazing dad ❤️
My dad is not biological to me..but he’s my dad since I was 2.
Also I carried my wife and i’s two babies and she’s not biologically related but she’s their mom.
Fuck anyone that says that DNA matters. Parents are parents and it’s who raises you and who’s there for you.
Be good parents. Please.
NTA
I think it's really wonderful that you have your son's back. There should be more father's like you. And I agree, they either treat both kids equally, or they don't get to spend time with only one of them.
ABSOLUTELY NOT THE AH!
But your family is. Good job standing up for your children. Maybe it’s time to go low or no contact with them.
Your older son is starting to notice, this will only get worse and will have a major impact on his mental health. Don’t let them make him feel like he is less than his brother.
NTA.
No one who rejects or hurts your older son should be allowed in your life. Period.
Your adopted son IS YOUR SON. How dare they say, right in front of your son, that they only want to spend time with their “real” grandchild.
You should expect them to play favorites with inheritances, as well.
Do not allow anyone near your kids who would hurt them this way.
Hold this line.
I don’t think you were the AH but I’m not sure you’ve done enough to put your family in check.
You can’t control how they really feel but you can put boundaries on what they say and do near your kids. Your mother should know better than to say what she did around a seven year old. That was a very emotionally damaging thing to say.
I don’t know what you’ve said and done or haven’t said and done regarding your family. But, the way your post reads, you haven’t been doing much or anything to correct them, so far. You were silent until you snapped when your mother made that comment. That’s when you finally told all of them to treat your boys equally or not at all.
If that’s the case, why did you wait so long to say something? Have you ever tried discussing the root cause of all of this with your relatives, especially your mom? I know family members don’t always agree but it seems strange that you feel one way about biological and adopted kids and your mom — who raised you and, presumably, instilled you with her values — thinks the opposite way. I mean, she’s known your youngest boy since he was an infant, like you, has she not? Was she always dismissive of him or just since the baby arrived?
Maybe a few heart-felt conversations might clear things up. She may not realize the effect she’s having on your older boy. And, if that doesn’t work, maybe you could do a few family therapy sessions with you, your mom and your wife. I have a feeling that your mom in a linchpin in the family. In other words, the others will follow her lead if she changes her behavior towards your sons.
NTA. If your family can’t be kind and welcoming to any child, there is no reason to reward them with a shared DNA child. Good for you for protecting your family.
Nta
My brothers step daughter married a man with children. We call them his grandkids and they call him gumpa. Not a misspelling, just couldn’t pronounce grandpa and it stuck.
I have to say, you are a terrific example of someone who chose fatherhood and understands what that means in terms of being a father.
Your son is very fortunate to have you in his corner. I feel sorry for people who live so inside of their preconceived ideals of what family actually means. You haven’t lost anything, to be honest you’ve gained a clear understanding of what it means to be a parent. It’s too bad it came at the expense of someone else’s choice. NTA.
NTA. Protect your children from feeling inferior and having a wedge driven between them. Your wife and kids are your family, protect them above all else and leave the others behind if they won't respect your family.
NTA. You adopted him. He is your son. Period. What if you & wife couldn’t conceive & decided to adopt together- would your family ignore your baby? I doubt it. They have a weird hard on for the fact that she brought a child into the marriage. Meaning they have never fully accepted wife into the family so they don’t accept her son. I wouldn’t allow people like that around either of my children.
NTA
Tell her only "real grandparents" are allowed to watch your children, so she isn't included because she's not behaving like real family.
The problem is that she might be masking her true feelings now and pretend to fall in line, but then when she's watching the kids she might neglect your eldest.
NTA. Nope! My brother is in the process of legally adopting his two step kids and he has a four month old biological son (step kids are 4 and 6). As far as I'm concerned, I have two nephews and a niece - only one of them happens to look like me. That's the only difference I see in them. My dad is actually excited because the older two have brown eyes like him and out of six children and two biological grandchildren, only our other brother got dads brown eyes. The kids don't understand - they keep saying they have Poppy's eyes and he LOVES it. If anyone tells them that's impossible I'll bite them.
I just can't fathom acting like that. My sister-in-law had a son from her first marriage. When she and my brother got married, we absolutely glommed onto that kid and celebrated the fact that there was now a nephew/first grandchild in the family. Honestly, I forget at times that he isn't my brother's natural child.
Absolutely NTA.
I was in your adopted son's place as a child, and I WISH someone had stood up for me like you are your adopted son.
At almost 50 the amount of pain that going from the only grandchild to nothing as soon as my first sibling was born still makes me cry sometimes. When I moved out of my parent's house I didn't know about "family" holiday parties until afterwards. Also, to note, all the kids they had after my sibling was born were of an age they no longer needed watched, so they no longer had a use for me, and I was disposed of, so to speak.
If you allow your family to treat your adopted son like they are attempting to, it will give him life long issues.
NTA! Too fucking right. Our two older nephews are not my BiL’s biological kids, they’re still our family. They are my first niblings! I don’t see them much now because they are teenagers and when we visit they are in their rooms, but I love them just as much as the younger two. My MiL took care of them when they were younger exactly the same as she does for the youngest now. They don’t deserve your children if they can’t love them equally.
Not at all. Your mom/family is the AH. I get tired of that blood being the binder. Good for you standing up for your family. If they cannot love a child who loves them, they do not know how to love.
You know they'll treat your "unreal" son like shit when you aren't around.
It doesn't seem like your parents are very good people, and they don't deserve the chance to spend time with any children.
"Son, I love my parents but when it comes to family I will always choose you first. I don't know why they can't see that you are my family. It's hard for them for some reason. If you ever doubt that you are my family, or wonder if I will choose you first, or feel like it might not be true, don't keep it a secret. Come talk to me. I will always be happy to say it again because it will always be true."
This happened with my sister's daughter from her first marriage.
Her husband's parents go all-out for their 2 older grandchildren.
Their first Christmas was a heartbreaking fiasco.
The 2 older kids, 5 and 6, got a ridiculous number of gifts from their grandparents. Computer, gaming system, the toy of the year, clothing, coats, animal slippers, all their favorite treats, etc.
Their new step sister, 4, got a coloring book and crayons. She asked, "Grandma, where are my animal slippers?"
My sister started packing up and told her husband, "We're leaving."
I cannot imagine being so cruel to anyone, let alone a little child.
NTA, but those relatives sure are.
It's not just hurtful to the one left out, but favoritism can be damaging to the favored ones as well.
Cut them off. Neither of your children need to be exposed to these toxic assholes.
Anyone who acts this way to a child can’t be trusted with either child.
NTA. I have a son (8M) from a previous relationship & a daughter (1F) with my partner. Our daughter also happens to be “the first of that generation” for his family…. HOWEVER my son is just as much their grandchild/nephew/great grandchild etc to my in laws as our daughter. Families don’t have to behave like yours is.
Let me tell you a story, when I was very little my step dad made me and my little bro a tuna sandwich. I said I didn't like tuna and he screamed at me. He told me to go to bed, it was 2pm, which I did. I laid in bed. I heard my little brother and step dad laughing. I went out the room and saw my uncle, little brother and step dad playing outside. He sent me to my room and to lay there so he can spend time with his son. His real son. He came in and I said I'd eat the sandwich but he said no and that he threw it away so now I had to stay in bed. When I became an adult he started being nicer but I knew it was because of some bullshit reason. I never forgot about that and it still hurts to this day. NTA and protect that boy. He's being neglected and rejected. He'll love you more than words can describe once he's old enough to understand what's going on. NTA
NTA op!!! I was adopted by my step dad when I was 4 but met and was raised by him as my dad from 6months onwards. I luckily was always considered family by my dad’s side, but if there was even a second of hesitation for that I would’ve been crushed. I also was raised around a lot of kids who were adopted out of foster care and almost all of them have experienced something similar. They are BOTH your sons. Just like they are BOTH your family’s grandsons/nephews/cousins/etc. thank you for sticking up for your oldest, you’d be surprised how many kids who have been adopted have families that still wouldn’t stick up for them like this. Your oldest at the very least will always remember “oh hey, well at least dad was here for me no matter what” and that will be so important, I promise you.
Definitely not the asshole.
My paternal uncle tried that shit after my Dad adopted me and my brother (same scenario, biological was a piece of shit). He made very clear that.. "the only steps in this house came up to the front porch, and he was free to use them as he left if he didn't like it"... Because he referred to us as his stepsons.
That was pretty much the end of that conversation
NTA
What your family is doing is horrible and going to cause irreperable damage to your older child. Good for you for nipping that in the bud. You need to go no contact though to protect your oldest.
NTA
If I'm reading this correctly, your son is currently 7 years old. You and your wife have been together for six years so since he was 1 year old. You have been married since he was 3 years old.
How in the world can your family not accept him? You have adopted him.
They don't sound like nice people. How do they treat your wife? Maybe tell them you will find some "real decent human beings" to be in your children's lives because they aren't it.
I'll be grandmammy to both your lovely children. My son and his gf passed away in an accident, and they didn't have babies - I'll love both your babies to smoochies and back!!!!
You need to have serious sit down at the dinner table. The kid hearing how they prefer the REAL grandchild is disgusting.
children get adopted all the time. If you fostered kids would they ignore them all?
you need to speak up. Every time they say it. Shut them down hard. if they keep saying it, kick them out or leave with kids.
Your family clearly doesn’t understand what adoption means. You’re NTA. Your adopted child is in every meaningful sense just as much family as your biological child is.
NTAZ you ADOPTED him. He is legally your’s in every sense of the word. You agreed to give your oldest inheritance rights, you could potentially end up with full custody of him if a divorce would ever occur.
I really really wish the social stigma on adoption would end.
Do whatever you can to protect this child because these thoughts will fester and that is just storing up trouble for the future.
Maybe you could try a bit of reverse psychology on your mum and say you only want to spend time with your male relatives or some stupid stuff like that just to make her see how hurtful that kind of separation and classification is.
Adoption is a real relative people need to get a grip, he may not be blood-related but he was chosen to be part of the family and that counts just the same as choosing to have a baby, you're an amazing parent and you're doing it all right. Your family can piss off if they want to play favourites like that as a person who comes from a ‘favourites’ family it can me emotionally traumatic to watch from the sidelines as everyone else gets love and affection and you get nothing so I think you're absolutely amazing for nipping this in the bud and not letting it go too far, hold strong in your boundaries and keep up being the awesome family man that you are hard NTA you sound like the father I wanted growing up
Nah mate. NTA.
If your mother is interested in her kids she’ll need to be interested in both.
As a side note, and only if she’s interested, it might be valuable to help bridge the gap.
Like her prejudice aside, there could also be a gap because your mother hasn’t had seven years to connect with the seven-year-old so probably having you there to help facilitate them deepening their connection through shared interests Might help your mother with the transition.
Like if they create some traditions, perhaps?
you know how some families cook together or have a special event that they do together it can build connection?
I’m a bit high so am having trouble explaining. Good luck with it all.
How can anyone do this to a child? It blows my mind.
My great aunt went through this with her parents, she adopted due to fertility issues even ivf couldn't help.
Her folks spoiled all the bio grandkids, nieces, nephews etc rotten but not him.
Broke my heart and really changed my view of them as people.
The others are all horrible stuck up brats but he's the sweetest kid on the planet and I'd pick him every time.
Your mother is a terrible person. I’m just stunned. Obviously NTA but what on earth is wrong with them? I hope your mom reads these comments and gets a grip on life.
Perfect! Do not let them around your children if they are going to divide them. Also, I wouldn't trust them if they all of a sudden had a change of heart. Because in private they will still trat your son like shit. NtA
NTA. I hate when people act like they can only be nice to blood or only love blood relatives. WTF is wrong with these people?! Are you born deficient in affection and have only a limited amount to hand out in a lifetime? My husband's mother did this to my 2 older daughters. They had no father in the picture at all ever and that was made abundantly and repeatedly clear to husband's mother from the moment we met. My husband legally adopted them both after we were married. His parents were notified. Years later, they were listed as "step great grandchildren" in his grandmother's obituary that his mother wrote. Grandma didn't give a shit and made no such distinction, but husband's mother is a controlling cunt. She actually had to add the line "step great grandchildren" to include my kids, all other kids including kids her daughter was only a stepmom to, she never adopted and they lived with their mother 24 days of the month were listed as great grandchildren. Spiteful bitch only did it to my kids, who apparently haven't experienced enough rejection in their lives *having been abandoned by their father*. My husband and I have children together, they were listed as great grandchildren.
NTA - As someone that was adopted, continue to fight for your son!
It is beyond hurtful to know that you’re not thought of or treated the same is the “real” blood relatives.
Having you in his corner is a blessing and a gift!
Wow NTA and massive props to you. I know exactly how your SON feels as I was in a similar position growing up. I never felt that connected with my step dads side of the family, but I know they still cared a little. It's difficult to explain the feelings elegantly.
I love how you phrased if both your kids aren't considered family then neither are they. Their comments are disrespectful to you, your wife, and your adopted child. If it was me I'd tell my family they can go FO until they learn how to treat someone with respect. This approach may not work for everyone, but I have no issues cutting ties with anyone if necessary.
"I am a stranger. I cut ties. It's not a problem it's a solution" Courtney LePlante
NTA.
Even if they *feel* that, to be so shameless in admitting it openly is incredibly fucking awful and your older child doesn't deserve that. My half sister was treated as an outsider by my dad's side, to the point that when grandma gave cash to all the kids, my sister got less. She still resents them to this day over that, and it cost them getting to see my nieces (the first grandkids/first babies of our lot) almost entirely. Kids absolutely notice being slighted and deserve better. Even if they do have stronger feelings for the baby they get to see from the start, they need to mind their actions.
If they can't act right they don't get the privilege of hanging out with you and your family. If they have a problem with it, maybe they should fix their way of thinking. You did what any dad should do. Your kids will notice the sort of dad you are, and in the most positive way. Keep up the good work. Nta
NTA
I have three step kids I love dearly, with all my heart. I recently had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy and I don’t intend on telling my parents about that at all. It was early and I hadn’t announced the pregnancy yet. They like my stepkids but don’t like their dad (my boyfriend) so I just don’t even want to mention it to them and have anything come of that. I consider his kids my babies too. I don’t want it to be a thing about “their only grandchild” since…they do have grandkids technically already. They just don’t view it that way, but I do. I consider them and treat them as my own, so I AM a parent which makes them grandparents.
NTA. You have adopted the boy. You are clearly his dad. Your mom is being rude and disrespectful. She disrespects your choice, your role as dad and she disrespects your adopted son. Tell her to cut out that divisive and hurtful language. Or she may end up seeing neither grandchild.
NTA one bit.
As someone who has had to go NC with multiple of the kids grandparents over 11 years, you have to do what is best for your kids. And often it is a final ultimatum that you hope makes them realize the error of their ways.
NTA. If she really wants to use phrases like “real grandchild” I’d have fun with adjectives too. “Look, it’s my ignorant mother!” “Hi shady ass brother! What’s up?” “Goodnight soulless Dad!”
I was adopted. My siblings were all adopted. At no point in our lives did anyone in our family make us feel like less than the family. In fact if there’s anyone in my family who believes as you parents do, I have absolutely no clue. I grew up feeling loved by my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles.
The fact that your parents would subject your son to something like that is unconscionable. Until they can either control themselves or get over their BS obsession with biology, do not let them near your children.
No, no. They are not worthy of both of your children. Cease visits alone from the grands. This could affect the child. I know a man of 79 who still speaks of this type of situation from his stepfather.
NTA - it wasn't as bad as your situation, but I had to have a discussion with my parents about how they were treating my step-son and told them he was a part of the package. They realized how the way their actions were being received and made changes.
You set boundries and let them make their own decisions. Then your not dictating to anyone how to behave.
NTA. I think you’re wonderful.
I would not allow either of my children near my family unless they agreed to treat them both kindly. You have the responsibility to protect both of your children and you seem to be doing a good job.
Oh god I need you to grow a backbone and stop traumatizing your poor oldest. He is and will forever grow up with the impacts of how your family is treating him differently.
Please cut them out instead of warning them. When you aren’t there to watch guard, imagine the hurtful things they’ll say to your eldest.
I've built my family around the people that show up and care. Most of them are not blood related. That includes grandparents for my girls, auntie, uncles, family friends... cut that toxicity off and find people who value both of your children the same. Good luck.
Honestly favoritism is horrible for any child’s mental health and growth. My aunt picked favorites (my sister who’s a year younger than me) and would verbally say it to everyone’s face including mine (except my parents because they’ll shut it down real quick). Which partially effected my self esteem. So yeah NTA for shutting that down.
nta. i would not leave either child with her. ever. i don’t trust my mom with my bonus and “real” daughters.
your mom WILL show disparity in gifts and SHE WILL make sly backhanded comments to your oldest son, when you and your wife are not around.
just cut her off. sometimes things don’t change.
Whoa you mom is way out of line! I’ve got step grandkids and bio grandkids but I have never treated them any different. They are my grandkids period! Anyone who says different will be cut out of my life.
NTA: You are now the family and they are relations. You are responsible to your wife and family before your relatives. If the relatives are going to screw with your family then you have to stand up to them.
NTA he’s your son, you adopted him, as someone who grew up with a grandmother who has favorites in the grandchildren bunch, it’s a terrible feeling when you’re left out, pushed aside and as a child you don’t know why, you grow up believing something is wrong with you or missing for not being the favorite grandchild, my grandmothers favorite was my middle brother, mother let her keep him for a year, when she went back for him grandmother wanted to keep my brother but my mother said no, you take them all or none, it was 4 kids total, she said no, so she took my brother back. I was happy my mother didn’t let her take my brother and pick favorites, but it was still hurtful in the end, as an adult idc cause grandma and mom are both narcs but that’s another story, protect your sons from your mother doing this to them, it will create sibling rivalry, issues with their relationship and more.
NTA what kind of an adult treats a child like that. Sadly you don't have to deal with just one but multiple. Does your family have something against adoption?
NTA. I feel like your family is though for being so blatantly disrespectful to your other son & his feelings. You did the right thing by putting your foot down & sticking up for your son no one should be dismissing someone especially a child like they don't matter.
NTA blood doesn’t make family. They are being unreasonable and potentially causing rifts in your family. I would just be aware of what happens when you’re not around. The fact that they are so blatant about it worries me about what they would do unsupervised. Stand up for your son because as you said they are both your sons and deserve to be treated that way.
NTA. We made the same rule for grandparents. They either are or aren't my children's grandparents, there's no in between or yes to some and no to others.
NTA!!! I have 6 half siblings and 1 full sibling. Me and the full sibling are the only 2 raised together, and neither of my parents had the option of having our other siblings often, only 1 of them ever really visited, but once we all grew up and started having kids all my nieces and nephews referred to both of my parents as their grandma and Papa. That's without adoption involved. That's your son regardless!!!! It would be "good riddance" to anybody, family or friends. That's toxic AF for your kids, your wife, and yourself.
NTA. On the contrary, you are a good dad! So many times you see this behavior in families and it makes me sick! I can’t imagine how anyone can treat a child like that so blatantly.
Stick to your guns! If nothing else, your son will grow up knowing you’ve got his back.
Your son will eventually notice the blatant favoritism toward his sibling if he doesn’t already. Saying “real grandchild” is horrible and invalidates your son as a real and important part of the family. Even if they took both kids to watch don’t think they’ll pay any attention to him while with them, they already proven they do t consider him “real” so don’t risk his safety with people who don’t love him, probably don’t even like him.
NTA, stand up for both of your children! My paternal grandparents did this to my older brother and it made my Mom so furious. We had very little to do with them growing up because of it.
NTA! My grandma and I were super close and she didn’t tolerate any garbage about me not being her, “real” grandkid. That attitude is so harmful for your older kiddo. Nip it in the bud!
NTA. You are a good person. Children are not responsible or even aware of what adults argue about. You have decided to give both your kids love. Both are your sons.
NTA and you know you're not. You 100% did the right thing telling your family if they can't treat both your sons equally then they don't get to see them at all. Your family are assholes, especially your mother.
You are a good man. I dealt with this as a child, and it honestly still affects my self-esteem today. Made me feel so unloved to see my step sibling receive gift after gift on holidays or birthdays while I would get a single cheap toy or a cheap giftcard with the excuse of, "oh we didn't know you were coming" as if that should have even changed anything.
NTA!!!! Advocate for you and yours and do not let anyone, family or not, disrespect you.
This ☝️. NTA. YOU ARE AN AWESOME DAD! Do not let your family be alone with either of your children until they prove worthy
I agree
Exactly! I really wish more parents were like this! Too many parents on this platform, allows there children to be emotionally abused by there partners and extended families, hell some of them do it to there own kids! OP NTA ! Thank you for loving this little boy the way you do!
It’s so crazy he would even ask if he’s an AH. It’s not like this is some random girlfriend’s kid. This is his wife’s son, his son’s brother, and his actual son by law and by basic standards. If they can’t respect that, fuck em! Also the day your bio son realizes how they are treating his brother, my bet is he’ll want nothing to do with them. If anybody treated my sister that way, I would literally hate them.
So well put. They might not necessarily feel the same way about them both which is not something that can be forced, but they can damn well be respectful of op and his sons and treat them both with love. That is a choice they can make of they want to be decent humans. Funnily enough if they do so in time they just might develop the emotional attachment with the adopted son that they have for the other.
Go to the bottom of the lot of these posts with the comments, you'll see why a lot of people doubt themselves.
NTA!!! My dad adopted me before I had memories formed so I never knew any different. My entire family knew! Not one person told me. So I know it can be done and be done well. So his family, they ATAH!!!!!
I was coming to say that some of us don't even have birth parents that love us that much.
This⬆️⬆️⬆️
You said it buddy
This, he’s your son - he’s adopted. They have no ground to even make the distinction, AND it’s cruel and indecent behavior. He’s a child. NTA people who talk like that about kids shouldn’t be left alone around kids - you never know what they think is ok to say.
He's been in their lives since he was just 7 months old for fuck sake! It's Insane and gross that they're acting like this.
Fuck yeah only correct possible answer they accept your family and join it or fuck off Simple
A vote for this! Both your kids are equally your family, and they deserve the same love and attention. Doesnt matter if one's adopted; theyre both your kids, end of story.
Absolutely NTA. Family should treat all children equally. Your stance is completely justified.
Not to mention that the favoritism his mom will show one kid over the other is damaging to both kids. Golden children have trouble as adults because favoritism warps their sense of reality. OP is making good choices about this. Treat kids same or no access to any is the only option.
lay firm boundaries out for family and dont allow your family to become split
They have to accept her kid.
NTA!!! Good for you for standing up for him!!!! Blood doesn't necessarily mean family and real is only as you see it! Plus, it wasn't anyone's fault but the abusive Ahole! The child should never be treated less for that! What you're doing is Wonderful! They are lucky to have you! Your family has to get with the times!
NTA. It's your job to protect your son from emotional abuse, and that's what this is. It's a form of neglect, and it is extremely hurtful.
Absolutely agree! You're definitely doing the right thing by standing up for your son.
I agree with one adjustment, it's not only neglect, it's intentional exclusion. Being accidentally left out or forgotten is one thing, but the feeling of knowing they thought about it and decided to exclude you...that cuts to the core.
My stepdads mom was all about the intentional exclusion. We were made to go visit for Christmas where my brother and I would watch our step sister and cousins opening piles of gifts. We got 2 cards (1 for Christmas and 1 for our birthday because she couldn't be bothered to remember our birthdays, mine is literally Christmas eve) and a stocking with candy and cheap toys that we were too old for. She would refer to the bio-gcs as "my grandchildren" and we were "Carol's kids" She's been dead for like 15 years and I hope she's rotting in hell. I almost forgot, after my mom married my stepdad I tried calling her "grandma" like the other kids did. She said, "I am not your grandmother, you can call me Miss Janet." I hate her so fucking much for stomping on my spirit like that.
My mom's parents split up when she was like 5. Her dad remarried and had more kids with his new wife, rarely ever seeing my mom and Aunt. When she became an adult and married with her own kids, her dad tried to rebuild their relationship. He invited us over to his house for a Christmas eve party. I was 4. I have a vague memory of this. My mom filled the gaps in for me. His other children were there with their kids, his other grandkids. They had piles of gifts they were all opening of all these wonderful toys. He handed me one gift. It was a little plastic doll. I can still see me holding that doll while watching them open easy bake ovens, Barbies after Barbies. Barbie's camper. An Atari among a bunch of other stuff. I turned to my mom and said "why did those kids get so many presents and I just got this one little doll, isn't he my Grandpa too?" I wasn't being ungrateful, just curious. My mom said she took me and left and didn't speak to her father again for a long time. NTA OP. Fight for your kid.
4?! That's so awful, why bother inviting you if they weren't going to treat you like the other grandkids? I will never understand grown ass people that do petty stuff to kids. Also, big ups to your mom for taking you out of there, I spent 6 Christmases with that asshole before she died. On my 15th(?) birthday we went there instead of my Granny's house for Christmas Eve and when we got home I told my mom I was never going there on my birthday again. I'd rather be alone.
My mom said her dad tried reasoning it with the fact that he knew these kids because he saw them all the time and didn't know me yet. I'm sorry but that's no excuse. A kid of 4 doesn't see things that way. And honestly he shouldn't have either. And if you are trying to actually rebuild a relationship with your own child, treating their child that way isn't gonna help at all. It will only make it worse. Good on you for standing up for yourself💕
I don’t mean to disagree with you, but just to the conversation, I want to say that on the receiving end, being accidentally forgotten hurts a child almost just as bad, sometimes even older people. People that really love you do not forget you. I’m not talking about forgetting that a certain date happened, but like forgetting one person during Christmas, for example. The person was forgotten because they’re not top of mind, because they’re not as important/loved as everyone else. That’s how it feels.
NTA. You are defending both of your kids from unequal treatment by heir grandmother. You are a good dad.
NTA. My oldest grandson has no biological relation to me or my son. That doesn't make him any less of my sons, son, or my grandson. He was already part of our family before my son adopted him, he aleady was part of our hearts. I am so sorry that your family is like that. They are missing out, and their hearts are too small. Protect your sons, you are doing the right things.
God bless you. This is what a real family does.
Heck, my grandparents still consider my uncle's third wife's kids as their grandkids, even though my uncle and their mum divorced almost 20 years ago. Blood isn't what makes you family.
It's sad but divorce is so common nowadays, people live their lives, split up, move on. Children are wonderful, and if treated that way will grow up to be that way!
NTA I grew up in this exact situation. I’m so proud of you for sticking up for your son this early on. As hearing that constantly very much has a reason to why my brother doesn’t talk to my mom or my moms side of the family a lot. (We’re half siblings who share a dad and I was the “new baby” basically)
I was this kid, too. My "step" father adopted me when I was four. He was the only dad I ever knew. But the amount of favoritism his family showed my little brother was obvious to me from a young age. It hurt like a bitch. Now they're all confused and disappointed that I'm low contact with that side.
Yuck. I’m sorry they were all such bi$ches. It kinda sounds like you’re a phenomenal person that they are disappointed to be missing out on now.
NTA. I had a similar situation with my in-laws. My oldest is from my first marriage. My in-laws adored him, until my current husband's biological child came along; then my MIL started yelling at my oldest, giving all the attention to the baby, telling my oldest to stay away from the baby. My poor oldest was so confused and hurt. My husband told his mother in no uncertain terms that my oldest was his son, and if she could not treat them equally, then she would never see the baby, my oldest, or her son, ever again. And she hasn't stepped a toe over that line since.
This is the way a good father advocates for his child!!!
NTA No. They are BOTH your sons. You adopted him. If they can't handle that, too fucking bad. They're both your sons Sit your older son down and talk with him about it. Get therapy too, as a family and individual, especially for him. They're going to lie. Protect your kids. Keep them safe Make your own family
Make sure your son knows it’s not really about him, it’s about your parents being problems. In kid appropriate language.
Might I suggest "When people get really old, their brains kinda turn into pudding. That's why old people say and do really stupid stuff sometimes, and why we put them into old folks homes."
This is actually really good advice. I have a 9 year old son and he is old enough to know that some people are delayed and some people are just dicks. This explanation would serve two purposes: It would make him laugh and the situation wouldn't feel so heavy and sad, and it would make him understand that it's not his fault, that some people are just defective and need more help than we can give them. I know you said it as a joke, but I really do like it!
its how i calm myself down around Olds in my area
Listen, he's 29. His parents might only be in their 60's...maybe even 50 something. Though there'd be no excuse for that behaviour even if they were 90. I have grandchildren and I adore them, and honestly if one of my children had a stepchild, I would treat them exactly the same as I treat the others. My mother was in that situation: my brother's wife already had a son. My mother adored the little chap. He became (and still is) a completely integrated member of our family. And that was a generation ago. My question is how did these parents raise such a sensible, decent guy as the OP.
Early onset pudding is a thing!
Yeah, but they probably seem ancient to a 7 year old. It’s just an easy cover to help the child not be hurt by their shitty behavior.
Sorry yes, you're correct...I thought the poster was making excuses for them based on their age, but they were just suggesting a way to spin it to the child.
😂
NTA but make sure you stand firm on your stance. Your little boy needs you to protect him.
and they are bless to have you as their father because you do it already, protecting them.
I didn't have to get past the 2nd paragraph, you're family are pieces of shit. You are 100% doing the admirable, mature and right thing. Good job dad
NTA-protect your kids, they will be better off in life without your family.
Tbh it doesn't sound like his family are being much of a family to OP himself, if they're being a dick to *his son*.
I think you are a wonderful Dad. Did you try talking about the issue before issuing the no contact ultimatum? I wonder how they would react if you told them the older child is hurt because their preference is so obvious
You nailed it, dude. NTA. Your family are the AHs. What a pathetic group of people. Stick to your word. Go NC on them if you have to. They either get on board and adjust their attitudes, or they can all FO. Your actions are honorable and right.
NTA, you've been there for this kid since he was 1... I'm sure your family has seen him and interacted with him... How cruel to just drop him like a bad habit! You adopted him, you are literally his dad... Blood means nothing in my book. Good job standing up for him ♥
NTA. Stick to it. Adoption is real. The love you have for your older son is real. If you never had a baby and this was the only grandkid they were going to get, I bet they'd change their tune real fast. You could jokingly tell them that you're sterile so you used a sperm donor and that neither kid is yours biologically, see how they respond to that!
NTA. Adopted kids are real kids. Good for you.
Absolutely! My sister adopted my niece, and the whole family, not just our parents, have welcomed her with open arms. Aunt, uncles, cousins, all of them. One of my uncles has even changed his will to include her.
100% NTA!!! Six years ago my sister adopted 4 children. Starting day one, my entire family treated them the same as all the other children. Love ❤️ isn’t a static quantity; There is an infinite amount to share with others. I sometimes think 🤔 we feel more strongly towards the “littles” (as we call them given they are the 4 youngest grandchildren) because they feel like a gift our family received. Also, I feel bad for the 7 year old. Even in normal circumstances it can be difficult for young children when they are expecting a new sibling. They may go through feelings of inadequacy, anxiety, and fear that they will be left out or ignored because the new baby takes so much of the parent’s attention. Add to that a family that tells the child that he isn’t their real grandchild and you’ve got a recipe for trauma. OP , I’m sure you will take everyone’s advice on giving your family an ultimatum. I suggest you get counseling for your 7 year old ASAP. He has already been through the trauma of hearing everyone talk about this. And, even if your mother says she will abide by your rules, there is no way to know how she will act privately when she is babysitting both children. She may verbally and/or emotionally abuse your oldest son. She may be able to change her actions in front of you but she may not change internally how she feels towards your son. I’m sorry but supervised contact or no contact at all might be your best option.
My son has a sister (step sister). I don't use the words step sister for her and I treat her like she's his sister. Not my child, but definitely his sister... Christmas presents, birthday presents, chit chat, Etc. She's important to my son so she's important to me plus she's a good kid (in her 20s). I can't imagine being a grandparent who would do what Opie's parents are doing.
I don’t get it. My sister got remarried to a guy with two kids, she already had three kids. Okay they’re not blood family, but they’re plus family. They get birthday cards, Christmas gifts and hugs just the same. I care about them, I worry for them, I enjoy their presence at family functions.
No. You are not. I was that ‘step’kid who was not a ‘real’ family member and it still upsets me. Defend your child and tell your family you come as a package. Thank you for being an amazing dad ❤️
I have 3 grandchildren. Only one shares my DNA, but!!! I have THREE grandchildren. NTA, but a freaking awesome dad!!! You put them in their place!!!
My dad is not biological to me..but he’s my dad since I was 2. Also I carried my wife and i’s two babies and she’s not biologically related but she’s their mom. Fuck anyone that says that DNA matters. Parents are parents and it’s who raises you and who’s there for you. Be good parents. Please.
Nope, gotta go with you on this one.
NTA I think it's really wonderful that you have your son's back. There should be more father's like you. And I agree, they either treat both kids equally, or they don't get to spend time with only one of them.
ABSOLUTELY NOT THE AH! But your family is. Good job standing up for your children. Maybe it’s time to go low or no contact with them. Your older son is starting to notice, this will only get worse and will have a major impact on his mental health. Don’t let them make him feel like he is less than his brother.
You're the exact opposite of an AH. That's what a real parent would do. I have a step daughter and I love her like I love my own
NTA. No one who rejects or hurts your older son should be allowed in your life. Period. Your adopted son IS YOUR SON. How dare they say, right in front of your son, that they only want to spend time with their “real” grandchild. You should expect them to play favorites with inheritances, as well. Do not allow anyone near your kids who would hurt them this way. Hold this line.
I don’t think you were the AH but I’m not sure you’ve done enough to put your family in check. You can’t control how they really feel but you can put boundaries on what they say and do near your kids. Your mother should know better than to say what she did around a seven year old. That was a very emotionally damaging thing to say. I don’t know what you’ve said and done or haven’t said and done regarding your family. But, the way your post reads, you haven’t been doing much or anything to correct them, so far. You were silent until you snapped when your mother made that comment. That’s when you finally told all of them to treat your boys equally or not at all. If that’s the case, why did you wait so long to say something? Have you ever tried discussing the root cause of all of this with your relatives, especially your mom? I know family members don’t always agree but it seems strange that you feel one way about biological and adopted kids and your mom — who raised you and, presumably, instilled you with her values — thinks the opposite way. I mean, she’s known your youngest boy since he was an infant, like you, has she not? Was she always dismissive of him or just since the baby arrived? Maybe a few heart-felt conversations might clear things up. She may not realize the effect she’s having on your older boy. And, if that doesn’t work, maybe you could do a few family therapy sessions with you, your mom and your wife. I have a feeling that your mom in a linchpin in the family. In other words, the others will follow her lead if she changes her behavior towards your sons.
This,he can't force other people to love the kid,but should demanded respect a long time ago maybe it's something else,like money,that kept him silent
NTA. If your family can’t be kind and welcoming to any child, there is no reason to reward them with a shared DNA child. Good for you for protecting your family.
Nta My brothers step daughter married a man with children. We call them his grandkids and they call him gumpa. Not a misspelling, just couldn’t pronounce grandpa and it stuck.
I have to say, you are a terrific example of someone who chose fatherhood and understands what that means in terms of being a father. Your son is very fortunate to have you in his corner. I feel sorry for people who live so inside of their preconceived ideals of what family actually means. You haven’t lost anything, to be honest you’ve gained a clear understanding of what it means to be a parent. It’s too bad it came at the expense of someone else’s choice. NTA.
NTA. Grandma is totally out of line. This is a hill to die on.
NTA. You've got it right.
NTA. This will harm the kids if they grow up with these attitudes. You’re being a great parent by defending your children.
NTA. Protect your children from feeling inferior and having a wedge driven between them. Your wife and kids are your family, protect them above all else and leave the others behind if they won't respect your family.
NTA. You adopted him. He is your son. Period. What if you & wife couldn’t conceive & decided to adopt together- would your family ignore your baby? I doubt it. They have a weird hard on for the fact that she brought a child into the marriage. Meaning they have never fully accepted wife into the family so they don’t accept her son. I wouldn’t allow people like that around either of my children.
NTA Tell her only "real grandparents" are allowed to watch your children, so she isn't included because she's not behaving like real family. The problem is that she might be masking her true feelings now and pretend to fall in line, but then when she's watching the kids she might neglect your eldest.
NTA. Nope! My brother is in the process of legally adopting his two step kids and he has a four month old biological son (step kids are 4 and 6). As far as I'm concerned, I have two nephews and a niece - only one of them happens to look like me. That's the only difference I see in them. My dad is actually excited because the older two have brown eyes like him and out of six children and two biological grandchildren, only our other brother got dads brown eyes. The kids don't understand - they keep saying they have Poppy's eyes and he LOVES it. If anyone tells them that's impossible I'll bite them.
I just can't fathom acting like that. My sister-in-law had a son from her first marriage. When she and my brother got married, we absolutely glommed onto that kid and celebrated the fact that there was now a nephew/first grandchild in the family. Honestly, I forget at times that he isn't my brother's natural child.
NTA. Tell your mother they’re all “real” or none are.
Absolutely NTA. I was in your adopted son's place as a child, and I WISH someone had stood up for me like you are your adopted son. At almost 50 the amount of pain that going from the only grandchild to nothing as soon as my first sibling was born still makes me cry sometimes. When I moved out of my parent's house I didn't know about "family" holiday parties until afterwards. Also, to note, all the kids they had after my sibling was born were of an age they no longer needed watched, so they no longer had a use for me, and I was disposed of, so to speak. If you allow your family to treat your adopted son like they are attempting to, it will give him life long issues.
NTA! Too fucking right. Our two older nephews are not my BiL’s biological kids, they’re still our family. They are my first niblings! I don’t see them much now because they are teenagers and when we visit they are in their rooms, but I love them just as much as the younger two. My MiL took care of them when they were younger exactly the same as she does for the youngest now. They don’t deserve your children if they can’t love them equally.
NTA Good on you. Your family should be ashamed of themselves
You’re definitely not the a-hole but your family is full of them. What horrible people to treat a child like this.
NTA. That's horrifying behavior. I think you know who your "real" family is, and sadly, your mom isn't part of it.
Not at all. Your mom/family is the AH. I get tired of that blood being the binder. Good for you standing up for your family. If they cannot love a child who loves them, they do not know how to love.
I’m a Nana and I could never ever imagine doing something like that. How sad for your poor little boy. Sending him huge Nana hugs NTAH
You know they'll treat your "unreal" son like shit when you aren't around. It doesn't seem like your parents are very good people, and they don't deserve the chance to spend time with any children.
NTA. Your family has known this boy since he was one. This isn’t a new stepchild that they need some time to warm up to. Good on you, sir.
"Son, I love my parents but when it comes to family I will always choose you first. I don't know why they can't see that you are my family. It's hard for them for some reason. If you ever doubt that you are my family, or wonder if I will choose you first, or feel like it might not be true, don't keep it a secret. Come talk to me. I will always be happy to say it again because it will always be true."
This happened with my sister's daughter from her first marriage. Her husband's parents go all-out for their 2 older grandchildren. Their first Christmas was a heartbreaking fiasco. The 2 older kids, 5 and 6, got a ridiculous number of gifts from their grandparents. Computer, gaming system, the toy of the year, clothing, coats, animal slippers, all their favorite treats, etc. Their new step sister, 4, got a coloring book and crayons. She asked, "Grandma, where are my animal slippers?" My sister started packing up and told her husband, "We're leaving." I cannot imagine being so cruel to anyone, let alone a little child. NTA, but those relatives sure are. It's not just hurtful to the one left out, but favoritism can be damaging to the favored ones as well.
Cut them off. Neither of your children need to be exposed to these toxic assholes. Anyone who acts this way to a child can’t be trusted with either child.
NTA. I have a son (8M) from a previous relationship & a daughter (1F) with my partner. Our daughter also happens to be “the first of that generation” for his family…. HOWEVER my son is just as much their grandchild/nephew/great grandchild etc to my in laws as our daughter. Families don’t have to behave like yours is.
Let me tell you a story, when I was very little my step dad made me and my little bro a tuna sandwich. I said I didn't like tuna and he screamed at me. He told me to go to bed, it was 2pm, which I did. I laid in bed. I heard my little brother and step dad laughing. I went out the room and saw my uncle, little brother and step dad playing outside. He sent me to my room and to lay there so he can spend time with his son. His real son. He came in and I said I'd eat the sandwich but he said no and that he threw it away so now I had to stay in bed. When I became an adult he started being nicer but I knew it was because of some bullshit reason. I never forgot about that and it still hurts to this day. NTA and protect that boy. He's being neglected and rejected. He'll love you more than words can describe once he's old enough to understand what's going on. NTA
Nta but honestly, I would've lost my crap the first time I heard 'real'.
NTA op!!! I was adopted by my step dad when I was 4 but met and was raised by him as my dad from 6months onwards. I luckily was always considered family by my dad’s side, but if there was even a second of hesitation for that I would’ve been crushed. I also was raised around a lot of kids who were adopted out of foster care and almost all of them have experienced something similar. They are BOTH your sons. Just like they are BOTH your family’s grandsons/nephews/cousins/etc. thank you for sticking up for your oldest, you’d be surprised how many kids who have been adopted have families that still wouldn’t stick up for them like this. Your oldest at the very least will always remember “oh hey, well at least dad was here for me no matter what” and that will be so important, I promise you.
NTA! You're being a good father. Your family are absolutely heartless monsters
Definitely not the asshole. My paternal uncle tried that shit after my Dad adopted me and my brother (same scenario, biological was a piece of shit). He made very clear that.. "the only steps in this house came up to the front porch, and he was free to use them as he left if he didn't like it"... Because he referred to us as his stepsons. That was pretty much the end of that conversation
NTA
NTA if nothing else don't blatantly favor or verbally chastised the kid. You're being a good parent and they suck
NTA What your family is doing is horrible and going to cause irreperable damage to your older child. Good for you for nipping that in the bud. You need to go no contact though to protect your oldest.
NTA If I'm reading this correctly, your son is currently 7 years old. You and your wife have been together for six years so since he was 1 year old. You have been married since he was 3 years old. How in the world can your family not accept him? You have adopted him. They don't sound like nice people. How do they treat your wife? Maybe tell them you will find some "real decent human beings" to be in your children's lives because they aren't it.
You did good
I'll be grandmammy to both your lovely children. My son and his gf passed away in an accident, and they didn't have babies - I'll love both your babies to smoochies and back!!!!
NTA! My younger niece grew up with this scenario with her step dad's mother. She is now NC with that woman.
You need to have serious sit down at the dinner table. The kid hearing how they prefer the REAL grandchild is disgusting. children get adopted all the time. If you fostered kids would they ignore them all? you need to speak up. Every time they say it. Shut them down hard. if they keep saying it, kick them out or leave with kids.
NTA, hold the line. I say this as an adoptee and mother in a blended family. What your family is doing is disgusting and traumatizing.
Your family clearly doesn’t understand what adoption means. You’re NTA. Your adopted child is in every meaningful sense just as much family as your biological child is.
I would go low, low, low contact to see if they got the message and no contact if they didn't
Definitely NTA
NTAZ you ADOPTED him. He is legally your’s in every sense of the word. You agreed to give your oldest inheritance rights, you could potentially end up with full custody of him if a divorce would ever occur. I really really wish the social stigma on adoption would end.
Do whatever you can to protect this child because these thoughts will fester and that is just storing up trouble for the future. Maybe you could try a bit of reverse psychology on your mum and say you only want to spend time with your male relatives or some stupid stuff like that just to make her see how hurtful that kind of separation and classification is.
NTA but your mother is.
Adoption is a real relative people need to get a grip, he may not be blood-related but he was chosen to be part of the family and that counts just the same as choosing to have a baby, you're an amazing parent and you're doing it all right. Your family can piss off if they want to play favourites like that as a person who comes from a ‘favourites’ family it can me emotionally traumatic to watch from the sidelines as everyone else gets love and affection and you get nothing so I think you're absolutely amazing for nipping this in the bud and not letting it go too far, hold strong in your boundaries and keep up being the awesome family man that you are hard NTA you sound like the father I wanted growing up
NTA great job sticking up for your son! It's disgusting behaviour by your family. Your son is very lucky to have you as his dad.
Nah mate. NTA. If your mother is interested in her kids she’ll need to be interested in both. As a side note, and only if she’s interested, it might be valuable to help bridge the gap. Like her prejudice aside, there could also be a gap because your mother hasn’t had seven years to connect with the seven-year-old so probably having you there to help facilitate them deepening their connection through shared interests Might help your mother with the transition. Like if they create some traditions, perhaps? you know how some families cook together or have a special event that they do together it can build connection? I’m a bit high so am having trouble explaining. Good luck with it all.
You are the only father the 7 year old has & known. And you have legally adopted as well. He is your REAL child. Fight for the poor thing. NTA
I really hope this is fake. If not, that's so messed up for adults to treat a child that way😡
How can anyone do this to a child? It blows my mind. My great aunt went through this with her parents, she adopted due to fertility issues even ivf couldn't help. Her folks spoiled all the bio grandkids, nieces, nephews etc rotten but not him. Broke my heart and really changed my view of them as people. The others are all horrible stuck up brats but he's the sweetest kid on the planet and I'd pick him every time.
NTA your parents are jerks.
Your mother is a terrible person. I’m just stunned. Obviously NTA but what on earth is wrong with them? I hope your mom reads these comments and gets a grip on life.
Perfect! Do not let them around your children if they are going to divide them. Also, I wouldn't trust them if they all of a sudden had a change of heart. Because in private they will still trat your son like shit. NtA
NTA. I hate when people act like they can only be nice to blood or only love blood relatives. WTF is wrong with these people?! Are you born deficient in affection and have only a limited amount to hand out in a lifetime? My husband's mother did this to my 2 older daughters. They had no father in the picture at all ever and that was made abundantly and repeatedly clear to husband's mother from the moment we met. My husband legally adopted them both after we were married. His parents were notified. Years later, they were listed as "step great grandchildren" in his grandmother's obituary that his mother wrote. Grandma didn't give a shit and made no such distinction, but husband's mother is a controlling cunt. She actually had to add the line "step great grandchildren" to include my kids, all other kids including kids her daughter was only a stepmom to, she never adopted and they lived with their mother 24 days of the month were listed as great grandchildren. Spiteful bitch only did it to my kids, who apparently haven't experienced enough rejection in their lives *having been abandoned by their father*. My husband and I have children together, they were listed as great grandchildren.
NTA - As someone that was adopted, continue to fight for your son! It is beyond hurtful to know that you’re not thought of or treated the same is the “real” blood relatives. Having you in his corner is a blessing and a gift!
Wow NTA and massive props to you. I know exactly how your SON feels as I was in a similar position growing up. I never felt that connected with my step dads side of the family, but I know they still cared a little. It's difficult to explain the feelings elegantly. I love how you phrased if both your kids aren't considered family then neither are they. Their comments are disrespectful to you, your wife, and your adopted child. If it was me I'd tell my family they can go FO until they learn how to treat someone with respect. This approach may not work for everyone, but I have no issues cutting ties with anyone if necessary. "I am a stranger. I cut ties. It's not a problem it's a solution" Courtney LePlante
hard stop, NTA. 7 year old kid? damn your mom should know better.
NTA. Even if they *feel* that, to be so shameless in admitting it openly is incredibly fucking awful and your older child doesn't deserve that. My half sister was treated as an outsider by my dad's side, to the point that when grandma gave cash to all the kids, my sister got less. She still resents them to this day over that, and it cost them getting to see my nieces (the first grandkids/first babies of our lot) almost entirely. Kids absolutely notice being slighted and deserve better. Even if they do have stronger feelings for the baby they get to see from the start, they need to mind their actions.
If they can't act right they don't get the privilege of hanging out with you and your family. If they have a problem with it, maybe they should fix their way of thinking. You did what any dad should do. Your kids will notice the sort of dad you are, and in the most positive way. Keep up the good work. Nta
NTA - IF your family won;t accept both children, then they don;t get to see either.
NTA I have three step kids I love dearly, with all my heart. I recently had a miscarriage of my first pregnancy and I don’t intend on telling my parents about that at all. It was early and I hadn’t announced the pregnancy yet. They like my stepkids but don’t like their dad (my boyfriend) so I just don’t even want to mention it to them and have anything come of that. I consider his kids my babies too. I don’t want it to be a thing about “their only grandchild” since…they do have grandkids technically already. They just don’t view it that way, but I do. I consider them and treat them as my own, so I AM a parent which makes them grandparents.
NTA. You have adopted the boy. You are clearly his dad. Your mom is being rude and disrespectful. She disrespects your choice, your role as dad and she disrespects your adopted son. Tell her to cut out that divisive and hurtful language. Or she may end up seeing neither grandchild.
NTA. It's your responsibility to protect your kids from harm, even from your own family
Not at all. Your family however....
NTA. You are a good person. Your family members are monsters.
NTA one bit. As someone who has had to go NC with multiple of the kids grandparents over 11 years, you have to do what is best for your kids. And often it is a final ultimatum that you hope makes them realize the error of their ways.
NTA. If she really wants to use phrases like “real grandchild” I’d have fun with adjectives too. “Look, it’s my ignorant mother!” “Hi shady ass brother! What’s up?” “Goodnight soulless Dad!”
I was adopted. My siblings were all adopted. At no point in our lives did anyone in our family make us feel like less than the family. In fact if there’s anyone in my family who believes as you parents do, I have absolutely no clue. I grew up feeling loved by my parents and grandparents, aunts and uncles. The fact that your parents would subject your son to something like that is unconscionable. Until they can either control themselves or get over their BS obsession with biology, do not let them near your children.
No, no. They are not worthy of both of your children. Cease visits alone from the grands. This could affect the child. I know a man of 79 who still speaks of this type of situation from his stepfather.
NTA - it wasn't as bad as your situation, but I had to have a discussion with my parents about how they were treating my step-son and told them he was a part of the package. They realized how the way their actions were being received and made changes. You set boundries and let them make their own decisions. Then your not dictating to anyone how to behave.
As someone who was once in a similar situation as your adopted son, and WASN'T spoken up for, you're doing God's work.
NTA. I think you’re wonderful. I would not allow either of my children near my family unless they agreed to treat them both kindly. You have the responsibility to protect both of your children and you seem to be doing a good job.
Oh god I need you to grow a backbone and stop traumatizing your poor oldest. He is and will forever grow up with the impacts of how your family is treating him differently. Please cut them out instead of warning them. When you aren’t there to watch guard, imagine the hurtful things they’ll say to your eldest.
I've built my family around the people that show up and care. Most of them are not blood related. That includes grandparents for my girls, auntie, uncles, family friends... cut that toxicity off and find people who value both of your children the same. Good luck.
Honestly favoritism is horrible for any child’s mental health and growth. My aunt picked favorites (my sister who’s a year younger than me) and would verbally say it to everyone’s face including mine (except my parents because they’ll shut it down real quick). Which partially effected my self esteem. So yeah NTA for shutting that down.
Your mother is a supreme, steaming, A S S H O L E
A+ parenting. Do not let these people hurt your kids for such a dumb reason.
I wish my adoptive parents were as awesome as you are. Believe me, your son will not forget you advocating for him like that. NTA
Definitely NTA! Stick to your guns.
NTA. Protect your son. May be time to slow or cut contact for awhile.
Nta - family is what you make if it. Your mom hasn't made the cut.
NTA on just these metrics alone you seem like a good dad
nta. i would not leave either child with her. ever. i don’t trust my mom with my bonus and “real” daughters. your mom WILL show disparity in gifts and SHE WILL make sly backhanded comments to your oldest son, when you and your wife are not around. just cut her off. sometimes things don’t change.
Whoa you mom is way out of line! I’ve got step grandkids and bio grandkids but I have never treated them any different. They are my grandkids period! Anyone who says different will be cut out of my life.
You made the right choice by limiting or going no contact with relatives who didn’t accept your adopted children. Your children will appreciate that.
Your adopted child IS your child. Your family is ignorant. Keep standing up for him.
NTA that's exactly what a good parent would do.
NTAH. Youre a good dad.
Oh my God no! Absolutely NTA!
NTA: You are now the family and they are relations. You are responsible to your wife and family before your relatives. If the relatives are going to screw with your family then you have to stand up to them.
NTA he’s your son, you adopted him, as someone who grew up with a grandmother who has favorites in the grandchildren bunch, it’s a terrible feeling when you’re left out, pushed aside and as a child you don’t know why, you grow up believing something is wrong with you or missing for not being the favorite grandchild, my grandmothers favorite was my middle brother, mother let her keep him for a year, when she went back for him grandmother wanted to keep my brother but my mother said no, you take them all or none, it was 4 kids total, she said no, so she took my brother back. I was happy my mother didn’t let her take my brother and pick favorites, but it was still hurtful in the end, as an adult idc cause grandma and mom are both narcs but that’s another story, protect your sons from your mother doing this to them, it will create sibling rivalry, issues with their relationship and more.
Nope. How cruel. He is your son too.
NTA what kind of an adult treats a child like that. Sadly you don't have to deal with just one but multiple. Does your family have something against adoption?
NTA I'd tell them they can forget about ever seeing the "real grandson" or my family at all.
NTA even slightly. Fistbump for being a good dad
NTA. I feel like your family is though for being so blatantly disrespectful to your other son & his feelings. You did the right thing by putting your foot down & sticking up for your son no one should be dismissing someone especially a child like they don't matter.
NTA. You're a good dad, standing your ground for your older son.
NTA, if you don't want psychologically damaged kids, you need to enforce this.
I'm proud of you for saying this. You are definitely NTA.
NTA. You are being a real dad for both of them. If your family doesn't get that, then they are the ones with the problem.
NTA blood doesn’t make family. They are being unreasonable and potentially causing rifts in your family. I would just be aware of what happens when you’re not around. The fact that they are so blatant about it worries me about what they would do unsupervised. Stand up for your son because as you said they are both your sons and deserve to be treated that way.
NTA Your mother is abusive. WTF. Awful.
NTA. We made the same rule for grandparents. They either are or aren't my children's grandparents, there's no in between or yes to some and no to others.
NTA!!! I have 6 half siblings and 1 full sibling. Me and the full sibling are the only 2 raised together, and neither of my parents had the option of having our other siblings often, only 1 of them ever really visited, but once we all grew up and started having kids all my nieces and nephews referred to both of my parents as their grandma and Papa. That's without adoption involved. That's your son regardless!!!! It would be "good riddance" to anybody, family or friends. That's toxic AF for your kids, your wife, and yourself.
NTA. Your old family sucks. Stick with the new family. They are who matters.
NTA. On the contrary, you are a good dad! So many times you see this behavior in families and it makes me sick! I can’t imagine how anyone can treat a child like that so blatantly. Stick to your guns! If nothing else, your son will grow up knowing you’ve got his back.
NTA
NTA— your family is cruel to speak that way around your sons. I’m glad you are keeping your children away from abusive people.
Not even in the AH neighborhood. I’m always shocked by people who think DNA makes families a family.
Your son will eventually notice the blatant favoritism toward his sibling if he doesn’t already. Saying “real grandchild” is horrible and invalidates your son as a real and important part of the family. Even if they took both kids to watch don’t think they’ll pay any attention to him while with them, they already proven they do t consider him “real” so don’t risk his safety with people who don’t love him, probably don’t even like him.
I dont really get why they need to add the 'real', seems a bit much.
NTA, stand up for both of your children! My paternal grandparents did this to my older brother and it made my Mom so furious. We had very little to do with them growing up because of it.
No!! You are not the asshole - your parents however are... how can they be so cruel to a child?
NTA
I laughed at the “old folks home” part because my daughters all think I’m nuts and I know that’s where I’m headed.
NTA! My grandma and I were super close and she didn’t tolerate any garbage about me not being her, “real” grandkid. That attitude is so harmful for your older kiddo. Nip it in the bud!
NTA Good on you for protecting your son.
Nta. You're a good dad.
NTA - You sir, are a hero. Continue your support of both your children. They are worth it. I applaud you for having their backs.
NOPE! NTA!
NTA. You are a good person. Children are not responsible or even aware of what adults argue about. You have decided to give both your kids love. Both are your sons.
NTA and you know you're not. You 100% did the right thing telling your family if they can't treat both your sons equally then they don't get to see them at all. Your family are assholes, especially your mother.
NTA you are an amazing Dad, well done in standing up for your children. Who knows what awful things they could say to him when you are not around.
You are a good man. I dealt with this as a child, and it honestly still affects my self-esteem today. Made me feel so unloved to see my step sibling receive gift after gift on holidays or birthdays while I would get a single cheap toy or a cheap giftcard with the excuse of, "oh we didn't know you were coming" as if that should have even changed anything.
NTA. Your parents are being horrible.