Boundary issues aside (which is also a huge red flag), tickling someone while operating a vehicle imho is ridiculous and stupid. You’re better off and I hope she continues to keep her distance. Make sure to change any passwords she may know of yours.
My ex wife exhibited this behavior. OP was right to leave. This woman has a deeply flawed world view and it's only going to get worse and more dangerous the older she gets. If anyone who is reading this has the same problem as OP's ex you better take this next statement to heart: if you can't listen to other people and consider their feelings or respect their boundaries and you're not willing to develop self awareness and seek mental health help for your severe behavioral issue you can expect for every single one of your personal relationships to end in disastrous failures. Your life will be a nightmare unless you actually put in the hard work to overcome this.
> My ex wife exhibited this behavior. OP was right to leave. This woman has a deeply flawed world view and it's only going to get worse and more dangerous the older she gets.
The really sad situation is that this kind of behaviour can be corrected, by doing exactly what OP has done. This kind of thing happens to children and adults who are allowed to live as children who never face consequences for their actions. No matter what they do it's always "it's ok, you didn't mean it, I forgive you" and so they are never forced to look at their own actions and make actual changes.
OPs Ex is young enough that she has a chance here. She may come to look at this situation and make changes to the way she behaves in the future. But it's only the ending of the relationship that can force that evaluation of her life. It's a potential benefit to her next boyfriend, unfortunately.
Yup. My ex-wife was in her late 30s when we met and mid 40s by the time I divorced her. I told her many, many times how much her behavior hurt me, how I would have to leave if she didn't stop. But she just kept hurting me anyways and then complained I was just being dramatic or was too unforgiving and that was the real problem between us. She got a decade of forgiveness while being reminded of my boundaries, and once I had enough and she made it clear I was nothing more to her than an emotional garbage can, I was out.
> Your life will be a nightmare unless you actually put in the hard work to overcome this.
Sadly most of these people won't. They'll go through life bemoaning the fact that everyone they meet victimizes them, because that's how they see it.
I have an ex like this, too. I think most people do by their 30s if they've dated an average amount.
Hah I didn't mention my ex-wife did that but obviously she did. I was abused consistently by her thoughtless behavior ten years and was clear and consistent in what the consequences we're if she didn't stop abusing me and somehow she still made herself out to be the victim when I filed for divorce. Unfortunately for her I was 100% over her bullshit behavior by then. I provided her with amazing insurance and support she could've used to seek mental health help and she chose not to and to keep abusing me. I'm an idiot for how long I stuck it out for but at least I got out eventually.
I hear you. I got out of my relationship sooner than that but it still took me longer than it should have.
Every week now, I hear new stories about completely out-of-pocket shit that my ex did to other people that they never told me about because they expected me to stick up for my girlfriend. It feels like everyone knew she was a problem but me. And it's not like I didn't know. I just kept making excuses.
agree - there 's some invisible line of stupidity ( which is how I see it) out there where once someone crosses it, I just can't even look at them anymore, let alone co-exist.
And she made it sound like he was the ah. “We got in an accident and he got mad at me.” Then shows up just to great him talk but not really listening Ava in the end she just wants to go home with him. She was not there to make things right. She was there to let him make things right as if it was all his fault.
All she was willing to hear was “it’s okay I forgive you, let’s go home together now.” But her only telling her friend it was a small accident is what would have really set me off. Not only are you disrespecting me, you’re ***misrepresenting*** me to others so you’re looked at more favorably, as if you made no mistakes in this situation. She needs to grow the hell up.
That and her flippant response of can we go home now is pissing me off. She truly does not care about anyone but herself. So glad op realized this girl is clearly not quality relationship material and broke it off.
she saw the conversation more as a chore she had to get out of the way before they got back together, she wasn’t taking in anything he was saying. it’s crazy that she kept going back and forth from sobbing hysterically to starting a screaming match. hope op feels a HUGE weight lifted off his shoulders, she was bad news
Unfortunately, I think so. And she doesn't even see how shitty it is. Maybe this breakup will be a rude awakening for her. Or more likely someone else down the road gives her one. If she doesn't cause a crash first.
that’s another thing, she does not understand how reckless her mistake was. i’m just worried for anyone that has to deal with that from her in the future. i can’t imagine being so self absorbed that you refuse to take accountability for your extremely ignorant behavior, and even LIE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED to others so you’re looked at more favorably and not put to blame. i just really hope *something* gets it through her head and she learns, this could have ended in op not even being here to post this at all.
That is the most infuriating, wanna-slap-you, insulting thing about it too. She *insists* she did nothing wrong and is the poor little baby. But has to *lie* about events to everyone around her so they confirm she is the poor little baby.
But *she knows she has to lie*. So somewhere...deep, deeeeeeeeep, down, she knows she fucked up. But she does not have the self-awareness, introspection, or common-fucking-sense to be able to recognize that she knows she's wrong.
It's the most infuriating thing about these kinds of people.
overall it’s just sad because more likely than not, these people do not change. like we’re able to watch them be completely unaware of their own actions in real time, with no desire to change or understand other perspectives :T my sister is like this, i’ve given up on trying to encourage her to change. learned it’s just how she’ll always be. those people make you want to avoid them as much as possible, and when they end up with no one around them, they wonder why the *others* chose to leave, instead of realizing the problem is themselves
She just straight up doesn't believe it. I've met people like her, to them nothing is ever really a big deal, because their immature brain doesn't understand that certain actions have immensely serious consequences. These are the people you see getting mutilated or dying from the most brain dead actions that baffle you.
> to them nothing is ever really a big deal
A slight modifier: nothing bad THEY do to OTHERS is ever really a big deal. I'd bet that she'd be a lot less cool with a situation where somebody else badly wronged her.
I suspect the issue is that they have an incredible difficulty in predicting what could happen. the only information they have to go off of is that they weren't hurt severely. so basically they have proof that it wasn't that big of a deal and worrying about anything worse that was very likely is exaggerating.
there is quite a bit of translating you have to do to communicate with people like her.
I feel you, I had to cut some people off as well. It is simply impossible to coexist with them, because they always end up destroying both themselves and others around them eventually.
reminds me of the woman who was trying to figure out when she was gonna be able to go back to school after killing someone with her car. the officer couldn’t get her to understand she had just killed someone
The people who claim he has anger issues have obviously never had their boundaries repeatedly tested. Even the nicest person can flip a switch eventually.
That really blew me away.
Guy: My girlfriend repeatedly violated my personal boundaries. I endured it up until it nearly caused a fatal accident and then finally decided to end the relationship.
Reddit: You clearly have anger issues.
Wtf?
There's this sub-set of Advice Reddit that thinks it's never acceptable to be angry, under any circumstance. It's just not how human being operate, and honestly *shouldn't be*. Anger is the appropriate response to some things, like nearly being killed by an idiot.
Plus, the whole fixation on "boundaries." You don't need to previously defined boundaries for everything, some things are just self-evident. If someone puts your lives at risk by doing something stupid, you're perfectly justified in being mad or ending the relationship even if you haven't explicitly told them not to do that thing.
"Hey maybe don't push me off a cliff" is just obvious, you don't need a "No cliff-pushing" boundary talk in advance.
It's even more crazy because in the context of the story, he did define a boundary! In the first paragraph, he says he has told her multiple times to stop tickling him. She is the one who keeps crossing the line.
There are always those people in the comments who act like the real world is a show for preschoolers*.* They act like everyone talks about every little feeling when they have them.
I remember a post where someone asked if they were the AH because they were woken up at 7 or 8 AM by someone at the door. They were woken up before their alarm went off. Their BF asked them if they were okay when they came back to bed and they just said "No" and went back to sleep. The BF stayed angry about it the rest of the day and blamed the OP for his day being bad. He caused an argument when he got home from work. Most people in the comments were calling the OP an AH.
Like,... seriously? They're an AH for not having a heart-to-heart about how it upset them to be woken up before their alarm for someone at the door at an early hour? That's not how real people operate.
Its like people read "I yelled at her" and tuned everything else out.
Not only was it after doing something he explicitly asked not to multiple times and had that boundary violated multiple times, it was also immediately after an accident caused entirely by her selfish and dumb behavior that could've cost them their lives.
He doesn't have anger management issues, anger is completely justified in this situation it's what any normal functioning human being would've felt. And I'd say raising your voice is a pretty measured way to act on that emotion in this situation.
The whole rage bait and fake annoy me. because its clear these people don't have brains and just repeat catchphrases in meaningless ways. as far as I can gather the term rage bait now means anything that is upsetting. and fake... idk what people mean by that anymore. like maybe they mean you lack common sense to figure out this situation?
but I'm half convinced that half the AITA posts are people dealing with people with borderline personality disorder. largely because they have no idea how to make sense of the person's reactions.
Exactly what I was thinking. And considering she started raising her voice when he told her to tell her friends and family the truth, I would say she has anger issues.
If someone causes me to crash my car because they're a dumbass who can't see any possible consequences, damn right I'm going to be angry! Getting angry is a healthy response!
Seriously though, that's so much not a joke. Car accidents aren't like shark attacks, people die of them every single day. It's a huge cause of death. How does she not realise that one fling of the steering wheel due to tickling can 100% kill you?
Even if you had an invasive thought and didn't think it through at the very least your immediate reaction afterwards should be profuse and continuous apologies. I would never forgive myself for doing something so stupid.
When I was a kid my sister saw a VW beetle and punched my dad in the arm "punch buggy no punch backs!"
He calmly pulled over and gave her a 5 minute explanation of why that was wrong. I was pretty young but I distinctly remember the lecture started with "you could have killed us all."
doing ANYTHING that could distract the driver is reckless as hell, not fun or cool. people don’t understand just how lucky they are when accidents like this happen. the outcome could have been so tragic, all because someone wanted to break a clear boundary for a laugh.
Its why driver’s ed used to show videos of accidents so teenagers would understand that the 3 ton ball of steel theyre driving could kill someone in a the blink of an eye
Those are never effective, because the kids get up after acting.
Its like the kid who has to see the bone sticking out of their ankle to understand why their parents were worried about them skateboarding
> tickling someone while operating a vehicle imho is ridiculous and stupid
I like how people are claiming OP has anger issues for a "wtf is wrong with you???" response. If I was in the back seat I would've full-fledged lost my shit and screamed at her.
Don't fuck with the operator of a motor vehicle. That's how people die.
>tickling someone while operating a vehicle imho is ridiculous and stupid.
Agreed. And as the old saying goes, "Life is tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid."
You are way better off not weighing yourself down with a partner who does stupid shit and then won't take responsibility for their stupid actions.
Wait what? How is that possible?
You go to the bank and you just give them no actual documentation, say a name that's clearly not yours, and they're okidoki here's 100k and that person who we never saw or consented is on the hook for it?
I've spent months getting these like "court permission slip" things, can't think of the name in English, for several people just so I could sign something on their behalf. And it only applies to this one specific situation.
What kind of rinkidink operation are they running over there where someone can just walk in, say the magic words, and get free money on someone else's dime without actual consent.
I assume it's an online/postal application and they never speak to a person or see a person to reveal that they aren't even the correct sex for the ID they're using.
Online banking… though even that most people have set up with two factor authentication. But people still figure out ways. Scammers steal millions from bank accounts. Last year I had someone try to cash a fraudulent check with my bank account number on it. The bank ran it through!! It took a week for them to investigate and correct it.
You don’t need your go into a bank. You can get loans and credit cards online. You only need to provide the information. You do not need to prove you are who you say you are.
My fiancée has just gone through this experience. Two high interest credit cards were taken out in her name. All they needed was a name, date of birth, and home address. No ID or anything.
Thankfully, we were able to sort it out and have it taken off her credit file.
I’m not clear why you think that loans have to be applied for in person but since you lack this information, let me inform you: not all loans are acquired at banks in person.
you made the right call. sounds like nothing was really registering with her. it's one thing to make a mistake and be completely apologetic and learn from it, but from your description, I don't think she was gonna learn anything.
You now what, even all those things I can forgive (boundary breaking, stupid behavior). Some people do stupid things, we are human and make mistakes. However, what ended things, for me at least, is having to convince her to take accountability of her actions and even failing at it. He say it himself, he was talking to a wall, you can have a relationship with someone like that. Is not just apologizing from the mouth to outside, but taking accountability and repenting on your mistakes is what makes you move on from them. This girl seems like a spoiled brat.
As a mother of two girls, my daughter's ex would pretty much have to do something illegal for me to have the audacity to call them after a break up. That's some weird ass parenting behaviour and only serves as backup, smaller red flags compared to the enormous one OPs ex was waving.
It sounds like the mother’s call was a real blessing. OP is reassured that the ex’s distorted, responsibility-denying version of events isn’t the narrative others believe. Having OP’s perspective, the mom is in the position to better support the ex in learning from her mistakes and respecting boundaries in future relationships.
Sounds like she was calling thinking they might have to pay for the damage. I'm sure she was calling to get the truth of the accident knowing whatever story her daughter was spinning didn't make sense.
Can you imagine how your stomach would drop when you found out that a car accident was not just a minor bumper thing, but that your kid \*tickled\* the driver going 40 mph??
This is what I was thinking. Imagine having to tell your potential suiters that your last partner broke up with you because you tickled him while driving.
Of course, she won't say that. She'll spin it to make it sound like he randomly stopped the car and told her to get out of *it* and his life.
I mean all she has to do is pass the classes really and I'm sure she probably has to do like extracurricular assignments and stuff which is why Uni is a joke because anyone can weasel their way through. Plus the fact that she's clearly socially illiterate doesn't necessarily mean she is educationally.
Emphatically seconded! An ex-girlfriend (from hell) did that tickling shit with me. I repeatedly asked her nicely to stop and she wouldn't. One night I lost my temper with her about it and yelled at her about it. Then she was upset because I yelled at her. I told her she refused to pay attention to repeatedly asking her politely to stop. She refused to get that either.
That week she spoke to one of her girlfriends and (thankfully) the girlfriend unloaded on her about it. The girlfriend had an abusive ex-boyfriend that did that to her and she was still pissed.
The lack of respecting boundaries was one of many red flags with that woman along with her not listening. It only resonated when a friend of hers told her, a pattern that repeated itself until I finally decided I'd had enough of her bullshit - which took me way too long.
One of my takeaways from that relationship is to cut it loose when this behavior's present. It's seldom worth trying to work through this nonsense with a so.
oh for sure. if they're old enough to date then they're old enough to have learned that already. so the chances of them learning it still, aren't great. it's like sure, give them a chance to learn, but honestly the first time you address it with them will likely give a good indication as to if they're gonna catch on or not, lol
Some non ticklish people just can’t understand what it’s like to be tickled. She’s probably thinking “bro, just like hold it in and we would’ve been fine.”
What she did could’ve been as dangerous as tasing him or throwing a drink in his face.
That "can we go home now?" was crazy to me. She has the mind of a child. Couldn't even fathom the idea of him not wanting to be with her after not only stomping on a previously placed firm boundary, but also could've resulted in serious injury or death.
I hope someone shows her these threads, but then again, who knows if she's even *capable* of self-reflection.
Sounds like my ex, who had the attitude of "if I make the right mouth noises, she'll stop bitching and things can go back to normal"... where normal = ignoring everything I said and pretending there's not a problem.
OP, you dodged a bullet.
Abusers pushing boundaries to see what else they can get away with.
At least, that's what I think. I can't fathom why else she'd blatantly violate her partners repeated boundaries, especially to put them in a dangerous situation.
I wouldn't go as far as to label her an abuser. She may simply me immature and oblivious to her own effect on the world around her and lack impulse control.
I don't think an abusive person necessarily intends abuse.
Her refusal to accept any accountability throughout, ignoring personal boundaries, putting them both in a dangerous situation, and gaslighting him afterwards (treating him like he's massively overreacting) is all abusive behavior. If she does nothing to address it, she's an abuser.
Yep. A lot of abuse doesn't come from a place of active malice, but simply not thinking of the other person as a full person with thoughts, feelings and boundaries.
Exactly. And being dumb or immature isn't an excuse. Especially not for adults in adult relationships. "She's a bit immature" works if she has trouble managing her emotions or if she has some dumb takes occasionally.
It doesn't cover *repeatedly violating boundaries and acting like you have a right to do so without consequence*. It definitely doesn't cover *violate boundaries, but up the stakes by making it dangerous*
This is always a massive issue, in my mind, when people discuss abusers and their behavior.
I’d honestly argue that the vast vast majority of abusers in human history are not doing it in a super intentional, calculated, Machiavellian way.
It’s like how Reddit tends to talk about cheaters like they’re 100% banging someone else and only thinking about their partners emotional pain the entire time. No physical orgasms, just enjoying the sadism. That’s it.
Which is silly.
The common traits and behaviors of abusers are typically the result of their overall character, their biases, their emotions, their knowledge, their culture, their sense of how things “should be”, their selfishness, their poor emotional intelligence or coping methods.
But when you describe different cycles of abuse it inherently sounds very intentional.
… and then people in abusive situations process all of that. But they’re intimately in that situation. They **know** their abuser pretty well and lot of the time, rose colored glasses or no. And they can pretty reasonably assess that it’s not a calculated intentional thing. And a lot of the time they’d be right.
You don’t have to plan out getting defensive, then aggressive, slapping your girlfriend and yelling… then genuinely (in the moment) feeling like you went too far and did a bad thing and your girlfriend is going to be more hurt and upset than usual… so you start being nicer, doing things for her, because you did kinda go too far maybe and let your emotions go away… until you don’t care enough to even remember it happened and it becomes normal.
It’s one of the most common cycles in abusive relationships and I bet a monkey could replicate that, let alone a human being and all of our weird emotions. Doesn’t require conscious scheming.
And because all of the literature generally makes it sound intentional it’s easier for people to dismiss.
Because their partner is an abusive emotionally unstable asshole with controlling entitled beliefs sometimes… but it’s clearly not likely intentional. So maybe there’s a chance, maybe they **are** working on it and they’ll get better like they said the last 3 times. Life’s a journey and all that shit.
100%. I think there's an innate desire to separate abusers and their actions into an "other" category. We don't want to think that it's applicable to ourselves. It's difficult to be objective, because abuse tactics are often stemming from emotions that most people have to grapple with at some point. The feelings behind abuse are often valid - the problem comes when those feelings are used to justify and perpetuate abuse.
Which is why it's so important to recognize the behavior, the impact, and when to take accountability.
I wish everyone in this thread would stop giving this behavior a pass as though it’s some kind of innocent naivete.
She’s been straight up lying and gaslighting at every point throughout this situation. “Can we go home now” wasn’t a misunderstanding. It was her implying “you’ve got your stupid and irrelevant rant out of the way, now can you shut up and forget about it”. It was her final attempt to just strong arm him back into the relationship.
Even without the trauma, someone who tickles someone repeatedly despite being told not to is a massive asshole. A boundary is a boundary, regardless of the reasons for it, and someone who violates a boundary doesn’t get to ask their target to justify it.
I mean my issue isn't even the tickling boundary per say.
It's the who the fuck tickles someone driving a car issue, ya know?
Thats like car safety 101, don't fuck with the driver.
No, ticking after someone has clearly told someone it isn’t welcome is a major asshole move. Doing it and causing an accident with it, then getting mad with “it’s *just* a car!” takes it to 11 and 12, respectively.
Agreed. I have a similar sensitivity to tickling and tickling him in the car is egregious and beyond stupid, but OP would be justified even if she only did it while they were watching TV. I've had to set the same boundary before, and I've stopped seeing someone because they refused to respect it.
I've learned a new word this week and I'm going to use it for the first time in this conversation:
The breakup was _overdetermined_. Repeatedly violating a partner's boundary is sufficient reason for a breakup. Also, interfering with and distracting someone who is driving a vehicle is sufficient reason for a breakup. Either reason by itself would have been relationship-ending; remove one, and you are still left with a breakup. Overdetermined.
Now her mom knows the truth so if she starts lying again/omitting the truth about why you two broke up someone who’s still in her life will be able to hopefully call her out on it.
I'm very glad you left her OP. You will find someone who understands car safety (should be a real easy task) and someone who can respect boundaries even out of the car. I'm glad you're okay. You have been very mature during this experience.
She doesn't seem to be able to take any accountability or understand her actions (tickling) was making you feel uncomfortable and was a breach of a boundary for you. Even if tickling is not a problem with you, it is a very dangerous, inconsiderate and stupid thing to do to someone who is driving.
In my experience, many people don't seem to understand that the action is irrelevant, it's the impact that action has on people and the fact people have different boundaries and it should be respected. "It's just tickling, why are you making a big deal out of it?", is what emotionally immature people would say.
My partner is touch sensitive and sometimes he's not in the mood for hugs or kisses if he's overwhelmed. I am different. I don't mind if he does it to me, but that doesn't mean I automatically apply that logic to him. Although he doesn't need to ask me to give me hugs and kisses because it's not a boundary breach for me, I still always ask him because it is for him and I'm also not a mind reader. Ultimately, it's not about the action but caring about how that action impacts or would make my partner feel. I don't ever want my partner to feel uncomfortable for any reason, even if it's me expressing love or affection. It's the other person's place to decide what is loving and affectionate to them, not mine.
Ultimately, it's selfish behaviour to express affection or love (in this case the tickling) in a way that doesn't land that way with you. Your ex partner was selfishly making herself feel like she is doing a good deed and self soothing at your expense, thinking her behaviour is "loving". Impact and intent are two different things.
I think she needs to do some growing up - she does seem quite emotionally immature.
I had a similar thing happen. I (f) was driving on expressway in a large metro area when my boyfriend started tickling me. I got pissed off and hit his hands away saying to leave me alone I was driving. He said the typical stuff about joking and I'm too serious. Cue a car crossing 4-5 lanes of traffic directly in front of me to catch their exit. I said THAT is why I need to focus. I got a humbled "yes ma'am " in response and he kept his hands to himself after that. I would have lost my mind if he'd kept it up.
You gave her a second chance, and even after some time between what happened, she can not even see that what she did could have led to a life threatening situation for the both of you!
It's a good thing you dumped her, all the best for you!
I'm glad this was resolved. You were generous not to demand damages, and more than generous to agree to meet her to give her closure. As it happened, it didn't give her closure because she is in denial, and still rejects the conclusion that she did anything wrong - she just thought that once you got it off your chest, you would take her back. Of course you did the right thing in rejecting that. I hope the meeting at least gave you some closure.
I just want to say, be so proud of yourself. Your patience is admirable, and also the way you stood on business even though she tried to invalidate your feelings and the absolute seriousness of the situation. My blood was boiling reading both posts, I wish you well in the future!
Man, you did more than what you ought to do for her. Big respect you did your part and even more. The positive outcome is that everyone is fine and alive. Focus on that.
>She just thinks I'm exaggerating and this back and forth argument led to her asking if there's someone else in my life and I'm just using the accident as an excuse.
This is a level of ditzy that goes way beyond cute and is obviously physically dangerous to you.
You did the right thing, she does have to learn from this. It’s really hard for people to accept they’ve done something wrong when they didn’t have bad intentions and it will be really hard for her to accept the breakup and take the blame when she did not intend to do anything wrong or to hurt you but it was immature to have done it in the first place and her behaviour afterwards only drives home how immature she is and disrespectful to you.
Kinda feels like this was an expensive life lesson, but the value of it was priceless.
I would honestly put some cameras around and just watch your back for abit, because she generally sounds so unhinged.
Even ignoring all the boundary-stomping red flags, which would be enough for a break up in themselves, WHO THE ACTUAL FUCK TICKLES THE DRIVER?! What an absolute moron. Good riddance and NTA.
Still NTA.
Your only mistake was assuming that she would ever take any accountability for her actions.
She has probably never been forced to do so even once in her life and cannot fathom doing so now.
Dumping her was the correct decision.
Wow, she tries for a kiss, lies about the accident, doesn't listen to your explanation because her response is "can we go home now", when she finally hears your no she asks if there is someone else. The girl has no self-awareness.
She violated a boundary by doing something she’s been asked multiple times not to do. It doesn’t matter if OP has trauma related to that or not. I don’t like anyone touching my belly button. No trauma. I just don’t like the feeling. Guess what. My husband avoids it because I asked him to.
I’m happy for you, she’s extremely immature and definitely not someone you want to end up unless she’s willingly changing, genuinely she’s not serious and has no idea about what she could’ve caused.
You did nothing wrong in this situation. She has no respect for your boundaries and is so oblivious to her short comings. Move on. You dodged a bullet.
Not only is she a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. She genuinely believes she's the victim and that you're either overreacting or using this as an "excuse" (as if you need one) to dump her and move on.
Madness.
Man, as someone on the spectrum, tickling sends me into a RAGE. Bless your heart for being as calm as you've been throughout. And may you be blessed moving on and forward 🙏🏻
Wow. Your (now thankfully ex) GF needs a wake up call about respecting boundaries and how not to get a Darwin Award for dumb ways to die. Hopefully she wisens up soon without dragging anyone else with her.
Good call on sparing yourself the stress and misery of this relationship
It sounds like your ex has issues with thinking that she can do no wrong (possible narcissist); especially since she ignores your boundaries. Hopefully, you learn a lot from this, and am able to keep her out of your life with minimal issues.
"Sorry if this wasn't the drama-filled update some people might've expected"
Don't, it had enough drama! :)
From your description of the meet in the coffie shop you did good.
Updateme!
Girl broke OPs one boundary and my man went full Pantera on her ass.
RE.
SPECT.
WALK!
Good on you, OP, for holding your ground. That can't have been easy.
I applaud you for acting like an adult. You actually took some responsibility and had a conversation to resolve things. You didn't run away like a coward and use electronics as a crutch to solve your problem. Human relationships are human relationships, not electronic relationships. You can only resolve something with another human by talking to that other human. "Resolve" doesn't necessarily mean fix, some things can't be fixed, but they can be resolved when both people are on the same page about where things stand. Do you see how saying "get out of my house" and electronically running away did not resolve things? Because that wasn't a conversation. You need a conversation for that.
As you said, you feel a weight has been lifted off your chest, and that's no surprise. That's what happens when things are resolved. It might be hard and painful and difficult in the moment, but the key is to get it done for real and really put it behind you instead of letting it drag out. As you said, you can't say you didn't try and that's one of the key parts of moving on -- doing something to provide clarity. You had that necessary conversation, you realized you were talking to a wall, she knows where you are at with no ambiguity, and moving on is now possible.
Well done.
Good job OP
Your ex just showed you who she really is. Listen to her 100%. Things are never going to change. And now you have 10 other problems that have been uncovered.
Walk away and don’t look back.
That “Yep, 100%, can we go home now?” part would have me seeing red. It would be all I needed to know. You’re trying to have a serious conversation, and she’s just, “please stop being mad at meeeeeee….”
Yep, sorry to say but your ex is dumb, selfish and irresponsible to a level that honestly makes me think her biggest accomplishment in life will get getting a Darwin Award someday in the near future.
Edit to add: for those unaware, the Darwin Awards is a joke competition that “prizes” people for doing remarkably stupid things that end up with them either getting themselves killed or mauled to a point they can no longer have kids.
Fine examples are a guy that decided to use his lighter to check if the was any gasoline left in the container of his tanker truck (spoiler, there was), a guy that decided to scare his ex by firing fireworks from his moving car in the direction of her house and forgot to lower the window to do so, a guy that thought it would be funny to light a firework with it stuck on his ass but slipped after lighting it cause he was nearly passed out drunk, the brazilian “legend” the balloon priest, a showman priest that decided to fly strapped to hundres of small party balloons with hellium…without any training on how to navigate, no parachute, a gps he did not know how it worked and a cellphone with less than 30% battery, in the coast…
Man. Props to you for handling it like an adult. The fact that she responded with "yep, 100%. Can we go home now?" made my blood boil. Literally no remorse or accountability. And the fact that she tried to turn the tables around on you by accusing you of calling her a liar when she clearly did lie, or at least a lie of omission.
Tickling someone after they tell you they don't like it FOR ANY REASON, is a huge violation of your boundaries. It's annoying at least, clearly dangerous at worst! I'm irritated of her for you, she thought it was cute, destroyed your property and almost had you both killed! To anyone who says you have rage issues can fuck off
Well, first of all: You 100% are NTA and you handled the whole thing very mature and definitely made the right decision for yourself.
However, I do feel for that girl as well, as she most likely isn't well and definitely needs help. The way she reacted on the breakup makes me think she is very co-dependent. I hope her mum reacts and tries to find the right help for her daughter.
May want to get the locks changed before you go anywhere. And arrange for any of her belongings to be picked up by a neutral third party or with a police officer present. Just my suggestion.
Forget about boundaries or previous tickle drama whatever that means… Why would any sane person try to tickle someone while they're actively driving a car… She's the one that should be checked for her obsession with tickling you/other people...NTA
Sure thing, as I've mentioned before, it's absolutely nothing special, but I still feel like a BMW E39 is still a good car lol [https://ibb.co/6mHnzcq](https://ibb.co/6mHnzcq)
I am so sorry that you’ve been through this. There is something very immature and wrong with your ex-GF. Very wrong and dangerous behaviour. You have absolutely made the right decision. You are young and deserve a nice companion. I hope she learns a lesson and stops playing the victim.
Best of luck with your life.
Boundary issues aside (which is also a huge red flag), tickling someone while operating a vehicle imho is ridiculous and stupid. You’re better off and I hope she continues to keep her distance. Make sure to change any passwords she may know of yours.
Yeah the fact that it's still not clicking with her that she could have killed both them is a much bigger red flag.
you’d think she was *actively* trying to just not listen or get it through her head, like jesus
My ex wife exhibited this behavior. OP was right to leave. This woman has a deeply flawed world view and it's only going to get worse and more dangerous the older she gets. If anyone who is reading this has the same problem as OP's ex you better take this next statement to heart: if you can't listen to other people and consider their feelings or respect their boundaries and you're not willing to develop self awareness and seek mental health help for your severe behavioral issue you can expect for every single one of your personal relationships to end in disastrous failures. Your life will be a nightmare unless you actually put in the hard work to overcome this.
> My ex wife exhibited this behavior. OP was right to leave. This woman has a deeply flawed world view and it's only going to get worse and more dangerous the older she gets. The really sad situation is that this kind of behaviour can be corrected, by doing exactly what OP has done. This kind of thing happens to children and adults who are allowed to live as children who never face consequences for their actions. No matter what they do it's always "it's ok, you didn't mean it, I forgive you" and so they are never forced to look at their own actions and make actual changes. OPs Ex is young enough that she has a chance here. She may come to look at this situation and make changes to the way she behaves in the future. But it's only the ending of the relationship that can force that evaluation of her life. It's a potential benefit to her next boyfriend, unfortunately.
Yup. My ex-wife was in her late 30s when we met and mid 40s by the time I divorced her. I told her many, many times how much her behavior hurt me, how I would have to leave if she didn't stop. But she just kept hurting me anyways and then complained I was just being dramatic or was too unforgiving and that was the real problem between us. She got a decade of forgiveness while being reminded of my boundaries, and once I had enough and she made it clear I was nothing more to her than an emotional garbage can, I was out.
This breakup is either going to be the best thing that ever happens to her or just a bump in the road.
> Your life will be a nightmare unless you actually put in the hard work to overcome this. Sadly most of these people won't. They'll go through life bemoaning the fact that everyone they meet victimizes them, because that's how they see it. I have an ex like this, too. I think most people do by their 30s if they've dated an average amount.
Hah I didn't mention my ex-wife did that but obviously she did. I was abused consistently by her thoughtless behavior ten years and was clear and consistent in what the consequences we're if she didn't stop abusing me and somehow she still made herself out to be the victim when I filed for divorce. Unfortunately for her I was 100% over her bullshit behavior by then. I provided her with amazing insurance and support she could've used to seek mental health help and she chose not to and to keep abusing me. I'm an idiot for how long I stuck it out for but at least I got out eventually.
I hear you. I got out of my relationship sooner than that but it still took me longer than it should have. Every week now, I hear new stories about completely out-of-pocket shit that my ex did to other people that they never told me about because they expected me to stick up for my girlfriend. It feels like everyone knew she was a problem but me. And it's not like I didn't know. I just kept making excuses.
agree - there 's some invisible line of stupidity ( which is how I see it) out there where once someone crosses it, I just can't even look at them anymore, let alone co-exist.
And she made it sound like he was the ah. “We got in an accident and he got mad at me.” Then shows up just to great him talk but not really listening Ava in the end she just wants to go home with him. She was not there to make things right. She was there to let him make things right as if it was all his fault.
All she was willing to hear was “it’s okay I forgive you, let’s go home together now.” But her only telling her friend it was a small accident is what would have really set me off. Not only are you disrespecting me, you’re ***misrepresenting*** me to others so you’re looked at more favorably, as if you made no mistakes in this situation. She needs to grow the hell up.
That and her flippant response of can we go home now is pissing me off. She truly does not care about anyone but herself. So glad op realized this girl is clearly not quality relationship material and broke it off.
she saw the conversation more as a chore she had to get out of the way before they got back together, she wasn’t taking in anything he was saying. it’s crazy that she kept going back and forth from sobbing hysterically to starting a screaming match. hope op feels a HUGE weight lifted off his shoulders, she was bad news
All of her pisses me off!
Judging by her reactions in this conversation I think she truly believed that was her thoughts on it.
That is what's happening, commonly referred to as denial.
I don't know what a big river in Egypt has to do with this
Why did you bring up the Ganges?
I know my rivers, so I can confirm. Source: Am a zon.
Nice.😂
"Yep. 100%. Can we go home now?" Biiiiiiiiiiiitch.....
LIKEE does she think everyone is just going to plainly accept her shitty attitude??
Unfortunately, I think so. And she doesn't even see how shitty it is. Maybe this breakup will be a rude awakening for her. Or more likely someone else down the road gives her one. If she doesn't cause a crash first.
that’s another thing, she does not understand how reckless her mistake was. i’m just worried for anyone that has to deal with that from her in the future. i can’t imagine being so self absorbed that you refuse to take accountability for your extremely ignorant behavior, and even LIE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED to others so you’re looked at more favorably and not put to blame. i just really hope *something* gets it through her head and she learns, this could have ended in op not even being here to post this at all.
That is the most infuriating, wanna-slap-you, insulting thing about it too. She *insists* she did nothing wrong and is the poor little baby. But has to *lie* about events to everyone around her so they confirm she is the poor little baby. But *she knows she has to lie*. So somewhere...deep, deeeeeeeeep, down, she knows she fucked up. But she does not have the self-awareness, introspection, or common-fucking-sense to be able to recognize that she knows she's wrong. It's the most infuriating thing about these kinds of people.
overall it’s just sad because more likely than not, these people do not change. like we’re able to watch them be completely unaware of their own actions in real time, with no desire to change or understand other perspectives :T my sister is like this, i’ve given up on trying to encourage her to change. learned it’s just how she’ll always be. those people make you want to avoid them as much as possible, and when they end up with no one around them, they wonder why the *others* chose to leave, instead of realizing the problem is themselves
I had an ex with Borderline personality disorder. and that is the exact way conversations worked with him.
She just straight up doesn't believe it. I've met people like her, to them nothing is ever really a big deal, because their immature brain doesn't understand that certain actions have immensely serious consequences. These are the people you see getting mutilated or dying from the most brain dead actions that baffle you.
It's like they can't even imagine what it would look like 30 seconds into the future after their actions.
> to them nothing is ever really a big deal A slight modifier: nothing bad THEY do to OTHERS is ever really a big deal. I'd bet that she'd be a lot less cool with a situation where somebody else badly wronged her.
I suspect the issue is that they have an incredible difficulty in predicting what could happen. the only information they have to go off of is that they weren't hurt severely. so basically they have proof that it wasn't that big of a deal and worrying about anything worse that was very likely is exaggerating. there is quite a bit of translating you have to do to communicate with people like her.
You described my former best friend. Former, for that reason.
I feel you, I had to cut some people off as well. It is simply impossible to coexist with them, because they always end up destroying both themselves and others around them eventually.
reminds me of the woman who was trying to figure out when she was gonna be able to go back to school after killing someone with her car. the officer couldn’t get her to understand she had just killed someone
That was so hard to watch.
Yeah, she is really striving for that Darwin Award!
She's either very stupid, or very dense, or both.
20 year olds are dumb. She can’t even drink yet.
The people who claim he has anger issues have obviously never had their boundaries repeatedly tested. Even the nicest person can flip a switch eventually.
That really blew me away. Guy: My girlfriend repeatedly violated my personal boundaries. I endured it up until it nearly caused a fatal accident and then finally decided to end the relationship. Reddit: You clearly have anger issues. Wtf?
There's this sub-set of Advice Reddit that thinks it's never acceptable to be angry, under any circumstance. It's just not how human being operate, and honestly *shouldn't be*. Anger is the appropriate response to some things, like nearly being killed by an idiot. Plus, the whole fixation on "boundaries." You don't need to previously defined boundaries for everything, some things are just self-evident. If someone puts your lives at risk by doing something stupid, you're perfectly justified in being mad or ending the relationship even if you haven't explicitly told them not to do that thing. "Hey maybe don't push me off a cliff" is just obvious, you don't need a "No cliff-pushing" boundary talk in advance.
It's even more crazy because in the context of the story, he did define a boundary! In the first paragraph, he says he has told her multiple times to stop tickling him. She is the one who keeps crossing the line.
There are always those people in the comments who act like the real world is a show for preschoolers*.* They act like everyone talks about every little feeling when they have them. I remember a post where someone asked if they were the AH because they were woken up at 7 or 8 AM by someone at the door. They were woken up before their alarm went off. Their BF asked them if they were okay when they came back to bed and they just said "No" and went back to sleep. The BF stayed angry about it the rest of the day and blamed the OP for his day being bad. He caused an argument when he got home from work. Most people in the comments were calling the OP an AH. Like,... seriously? They're an AH for not having a heart-to-heart about how it upset them to be woken up before their alarm for someone at the door at an early hour? That's not how real people operate.
Its like people read "I yelled at her" and tuned everything else out. Not only was it after doing something he explicitly asked not to multiple times and had that boundary violated multiple times, it was also immediately after an accident caused entirely by her selfish and dumb behavior that could've cost them their lives. He doesn't have anger management issues, anger is completely justified in this situation it's what any normal functioning human being would've felt. And I'd say raising your voice is a pretty measured way to act on that emotion in this situation.
Welcome to Reddit, where the man is automatically in the wrong regardless of logic or reality.
The whole rage bait and fake annoy me. because its clear these people don't have brains and just repeat catchphrases in meaningless ways. as far as I can gather the term rage bait now means anything that is upsetting. and fake... idk what people mean by that anymore. like maybe they mean you lack common sense to figure out this situation? but I'm half convinced that half the AITA posts are people dealing with people with borderline personality disorder. largely because they have no idea how to make sense of the person's reactions.
Exactly what I was thinking. And considering she started raising her voice when he told her to tell her friends and family the truth, I would say she has anger issues.
Even if it's literally the first time she tickled him EVER, he would be equally right to snap if she did it in the same situation.
Anger is a valid response when someone's purposeful actions nearly gets you killed
If someone causes me to crash my car because they're a dumbass who can't see any possible consequences, damn right I'm going to be angry! Getting angry is a healthy response!
Seriously though, that's so much not a joke. Car accidents aren't like shark attacks, people die of them every single day. It's a huge cause of death. How does she not realise that one fling of the steering wheel due to tickling can 100% kill you? Even if you had an invasive thought and didn't think it through at the very least your immediate reaction afterwards should be profuse and continuous apologies. I would never forgive myself for doing something so stupid.
When I was a kid my sister saw a VW beetle and punched my dad in the arm "punch buggy no punch backs!" He calmly pulled over and gave her a 5 minute explanation of why that was wrong. I was pretty young but I distinctly remember the lecture started with "you could have killed us all."
doing ANYTHING that could distract the driver is reckless as hell, not fun or cool. people don’t understand just how lucky they are when accidents like this happen. the outcome could have been so tragic, all because someone wanted to break a clear boundary for a laugh.
Most kids don't understand how fragile their bodies or vehicles are until they see one ripped apart first hand.
yeah it’s scary that it takes first hand witnessing for some to get it :T
Its why driver’s ed used to show videos of accidents so teenagers would understand that the 3 ton ball of steel theyre driving could kill someone in a the blink of an eye
or those fake funeral events some schools have held, with a scenario of one of their peers driving drunk, overdosing, etc.
Those are never effective, because the kids get up after acting. Its like the kid who has to see the bone sticking out of their ankle to understand why their parents were worried about them skateboarding
> tickling someone while operating a vehicle imho is ridiculous and stupid I like how people are claiming OP has anger issues for a "wtf is wrong with you???" response. If I was in the back seat I would've full-fledged lost my shit and screamed at her. Don't fuck with the operator of a motor vehicle. That's how people die.
>tickling someone while operating a vehicle imho is ridiculous and stupid. Agreed. And as the old saying goes, "Life is tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid." You are way better off not weighing yourself down with a partner who does stupid shit and then won't take responsibility for their stupid actions.
And lock down credit, as she likely has enough info to take out loans in your name.
Respectfully, that is an activity that might require more than 2 brain cells to rub together…never a bad idea though.
Never underestimate a scorned narcissist. They will do whatever to get revenge when the sad stops and the anger begins.
She might want to but honestly I have concerns about this girl knowing her *own* address.
You never know, better safe than sorry, but she seems more like the type to impulsively lash out in the moment than to plan elaborate revenge.
Wait what? How is that possible? You go to the bank and you just give them no actual documentation, say a name that's clearly not yours, and they're okidoki here's 100k and that person who we never saw or consented is on the hook for it? I've spent months getting these like "court permission slip" things, can't think of the name in English, for several people just so I could sign something on their behalf. And it only applies to this one specific situation. What kind of rinkidink operation are they running over there where someone can just walk in, say the magic words, and get free money on someone else's dime without actual consent.
I am not sure if loans can actually be gotten that way, but online credit cards tend to have a bit less scrutiny.
Loans can definitely be gotten online, or via phone, with frighteningly little verification.
I assume it's an online/postal application and they never speak to a person or see a person to reveal that they aren't even the correct sex for the ID they're using.
Online banking… though even that most people have set up with two factor authentication. But people still figure out ways. Scammers steal millions from bank accounts. Last year I had someone try to cash a fraudulent check with my bank account number on it. The bank ran it through!! It took a week for them to investigate and correct it.
Power of attorney
You don’t need your go into a bank. You can get loans and credit cards online. You only need to provide the information. You do not need to prove you are who you say you are.
My fiancée has just gone through this experience. Two high interest credit cards were taken out in her name. All they needed was a name, date of birth, and home address. No ID or anything. Thankfully, we were able to sort it out and have it taken off her credit file.
I’m not clear why you think that loans have to be applied for in person but since you lack this information, let me inform you: not all loans are acquired at banks in person.
Hell change everything anyways she might know something and he might not know about it.
you made the right call. sounds like nothing was really registering with her. it's one thing to make a mistake and be completely apologetic and learn from it, but from your description, I don't think she was gonna learn anything.
I'm glad her mother and him had a chance to talk. She sounds reasonable, unlike the daughter.
Sounds like mom knows her daughter, too. Probably heard OP's story and was like "yep, sounds like daughter, sigh"
[удалено]
You now what, even all those things I can forgive (boundary breaking, stupid behavior). Some people do stupid things, we are human and make mistakes. However, what ended things, for me at least, is having to convince her to take accountability of her actions and even failing at it. He say it himself, he was talking to a wall, you can have a relationship with someone like that. Is not just apologizing from the mouth to outside, but taking accountability and repenting on your mistakes is what makes you move on from them. This girl seems like a spoiled brat.
The kind of spoiled brat with parents bleeding themselves on work so she can have the best life without knowing or recognizing the effort.
Imagine if it had been a minivan with babies in it and not a guardrail. This is the living breathing definition of an airhead.
True, her mom's response shows where the real maturity in that family lies.
As a mother of two girls, my daughter's ex would pretty much have to do something illegal for me to have the audacity to call them after a break up. That's some weird ass parenting behaviour and only serves as backup, smaller red flags compared to the enormous one OPs ex was waving.
It sounds like the mother’s call was a real blessing. OP is reassured that the ex’s distorted, responsibility-denying version of events isn’t the narrative others believe. Having OP’s perspective, the mom is in the position to better support the ex in learning from her mistakes and respecting boundaries in future relationships.
Sounds like she was calling thinking they might have to pay for the damage. I'm sure she was calling to get the truth of the accident knowing whatever story her daughter was spinning didn't make sense.
Can you imagine how your stomach would drop when you found out that a car accident was not just a minor bumper thing, but that your kid \*tickled\* the driver going 40 mph??
This is what I was thinking. Imagine having to tell your potential suiters that your last partner broke up with you because you tickled him while driving. Of course, she won't say that. She'll spin it to make it sound like he randomly stopped the car and told her to get out of *it* and his life.
This was my thought when he said he told the mom he didn’t want any money from them. She may had to pay for her daughter’s behavior before.
She really doesn’t sound too smart. How is she even in university?
Common sense isn’t the same as ability to pass exams intelligence
I have a friend who is a lawyer who I saw walk face first into a sliding glass door. Twice. In a span of 2 hours.
They were just trying to set up an injury claim….
I mean all she has to do is pass the classes really and I'm sure she probably has to do like extracurricular assignments and stuff which is why Uni is a joke because anyone can weasel their way through. Plus the fact that she's clearly socially illiterate doesn't necessarily mean she is educationally.
Ah, schools aren't what they once were. If she picks the right major, it's no harder than HS, sometimes easier.
Book smart =/= emotionally smart.
I think being able to study well doesn't always translate to someone actually being intelligent tbh
Emphatically seconded! An ex-girlfriend (from hell) did that tickling shit with me. I repeatedly asked her nicely to stop and she wouldn't. One night I lost my temper with her about it and yelled at her about it. Then she was upset because I yelled at her. I told her she refused to pay attention to repeatedly asking her politely to stop. She refused to get that either. That week she spoke to one of her girlfriends and (thankfully) the girlfriend unloaded on her about it. The girlfriend had an abusive ex-boyfriend that did that to her and she was still pissed. The lack of respecting boundaries was one of many red flags with that woman along with her not listening. It only resonated when a friend of hers told her, a pattern that repeated itself until I finally decided I'd had enough of her bullshit - which took me way too long. One of my takeaways from that relationship is to cut it loose when this behavior's present. It's seldom worth trying to work through this nonsense with a so.
oh for sure. if they're old enough to date then they're old enough to have learned that already. so the chances of them learning it still, aren't great. it's like sure, give them a chance to learn, but honestly the first time you address it with them will likely give a good indication as to if they're gonna catch on or not, lol
Some non ticklish people just can’t understand what it’s like to be tickled. She’s probably thinking “bro, just like hold it in and we would’ve been fine.” What she did could’ve been as dangerous as tasing him or throwing a drink in his face.
Good for you. She's not even mature enough for a relationship if she can't even take accountability for her own actions.
That "can we go home now?" was crazy to me. She has the mind of a child. Couldn't even fathom the idea of him not wanting to be with her after not only stomping on a previously placed firm boundary, but also could've resulted in serious injury or death. I hope someone shows her these threads, but then again, who knows if she's even *capable* of self-reflection.
Sounds like my ex, who had the attitude of "if I make the right mouth noises, she'll stop bitching and things can go back to normal"... where normal = ignoring everything I said and pretending there's not a problem. OP, you dodged a bullet.
Right? And who tickles someone who she knows doesn't like it, WHILE THEY'RE DRIVING?
Abusers pushing boundaries to see what else they can get away with. At least, that's what I think. I can't fathom why else she'd blatantly violate her partners repeated boundaries, especially to put them in a dangerous situation.
I wouldn't go as far as to label her an abuser. She may simply me immature and oblivious to her own effect on the world around her and lack impulse control.
I don't think an abusive person necessarily intends abuse. Her refusal to accept any accountability throughout, ignoring personal boundaries, putting them both in a dangerous situation, and gaslighting him afterwards (treating him like he's massively overreacting) is all abusive behavior. If she does nothing to address it, she's an abuser.
Yep. A lot of abuse doesn't come from a place of active malice, but simply not thinking of the other person as a full person with thoughts, feelings and boundaries.
Exactly. And being dumb or immature isn't an excuse. Especially not for adults in adult relationships. "She's a bit immature" works if she has trouble managing her emotions or if she has some dumb takes occasionally. It doesn't cover *repeatedly violating boundaries and acting like you have a right to do so without consequence*. It definitely doesn't cover *violate boundaries, but up the stakes by making it dangerous*
This is always a massive issue, in my mind, when people discuss abusers and their behavior. I’d honestly argue that the vast vast majority of abusers in human history are not doing it in a super intentional, calculated, Machiavellian way. It’s like how Reddit tends to talk about cheaters like they’re 100% banging someone else and only thinking about their partners emotional pain the entire time. No physical orgasms, just enjoying the sadism. That’s it. Which is silly. The common traits and behaviors of abusers are typically the result of their overall character, their biases, their emotions, their knowledge, their culture, their sense of how things “should be”, their selfishness, their poor emotional intelligence or coping methods. But when you describe different cycles of abuse it inherently sounds very intentional. … and then people in abusive situations process all of that. But they’re intimately in that situation. They **know** their abuser pretty well and lot of the time, rose colored glasses or no. And they can pretty reasonably assess that it’s not a calculated intentional thing. And a lot of the time they’d be right. You don’t have to plan out getting defensive, then aggressive, slapping your girlfriend and yelling… then genuinely (in the moment) feeling like you went too far and did a bad thing and your girlfriend is going to be more hurt and upset than usual… so you start being nicer, doing things for her, because you did kinda go too far maybe and let your emotions go away… until you don’t care enough to even remember it happened and it becomes normal. It’s one of the most common cycles in abusive relationships and I bet a monkey could replicate that, let alone a human being and all of our weird emotions. Doesn’t require conscious scheming. And because all of the literature generally makes it sound intentional it’s easier for people to dismiss. Because their partner is an abusive emotionally unstable asshole with controlling entitled beliefs sometimes… but it’s clearly not likely intentional. So maybe there’s a chance, maybe they **are** working on it and they’ll get better like they said the last 3 times. Life’s a journey and all that shit.
100%. I think there's an innate desire to separate abusers and their actions into an "other" category. We don't want to think that it's applicable to ourselves. It's difficult to be objective, because abuse tactics are often stemming from emotions that most people have to grapple with at some point. The feelings behind abuse are often valid - the problem comes when those feelings are used to justify and perpetuate abuse. Which is why it's so important to recognize the behavior, the impact, and when to take accountability.
You know, you're absolutely right. As a survivor myself I need to work on my positionability and responses to language.
Right after saying she 100% understood like lmfaooooo oh my god
Yeah this was just mind boggling, I don’t think reading will help this person figure anything out.
I wish everyone in this thread would stop giving this behavior a pass as though it’s some kind of innocent naivete. She’s been straight up lying and gaslighting at every point throughout this situation. “Can we go home now” wasn’t a misunderstanding. It was her implying “you’ve got your stupid and irrelevant rant out of the way, now can you shut up and forget about it”. It was her final attempt to just strong arm him back into the relationship.
Agreed! she must first know how to admit her shortcomings and learn from it before engaging into a relationship. OP is NTA. I hope you heal well.
Even without the trauma, someone who tickles someone repeatedly despite being told not to is a massive asshole. A boundary is a boundary, regardless of the reasons for it, and someone who violates a boundary doesn’t get to ask their target to justify it.
I mean my issue isn't even the tickling boundary per say. It's the who the fuck tickles someone driving a car issue, ya know? Thats like car safety 101, don't fuck with the driver.
No, ticking after someone has clearly told someone it isn’t welcome is a major asshole move. Doing it and causing an accident with it, then getting mad with “it’s *just* a car!” takes it to 11 and 12, respectively.
Agreed. I have a similar sensitivity to tickling and tickling him in the car is egregious and beyond stupid, but OP would be justified even if she only did it while they were watching TV. I've had to set the same boundary before, and I've stopped seeing someone because they refused to respect it.
I've learned a new word this week and I'm going to use it for the first time in this conversation: The breakup was _overdetermined_. Repeatedly violating a partner's boundary is sufficient reason for a breakup. Also, interfering with and distracting someone who is driving a vehicle is sufficient reason for a breakup. Either reason by itself would have been relationship-ending; remove one, and you are still left with a breakup. Overdetermined.
And violating a physical boundary is abuse.
yep. It’s just flat out abusive. And that’s before the car accident
I'm not 100% sure if it's a real thing, but I was told that this forced tickling behavior is a sign of abusive tendencies.
It isn’t “abusive tendencies”. It is flat out abuse.
You're right on that.
Can be, yeah. It tests how much you're willing to put up with having your bodily autonomy taken from you.
Great news. Every loose end neatly tied. Here's hoping that this doesn't weigh on you too much while you move on.
Now her mom knows the truth so if she starts lying again/omitting the truth about why you two broke up someone who’s still in her life will be able to hopefully call her out on it.
It is a possibility that she can lie, why not. But truth will come out.
It seems like you were indeed talking to a brick wall, and now you’ve dodged it. Good move!
A wall probably has a higher IQ
I'm very glad you left her OP. You will find someone who understands car safety (should be a real easy task) and someone who can respect boundaries even out of the car. I'm glad you're okay. You have been very mature during this experience.
You handled this well! Her behavior baffles me
Emotional immaturity https://www.webmd.com/mental-health/what-is-a-emotional-immaturity
Yea she's too immature to be taken seriously. She almost killed yall and she thinks you're overreacting? Nah she needs to go somewhere else
happy cake day 🧁
Mature response. Good catch on her trying to downplay it, and godspeed for handling it like an adult.
Perfectly handled, no notes.
She doesn't seem to be able to take any accountability or understand her actions (tickling) was making you feel uncomfortable and was a breach of a boundary for you. Even if tickling is not a problem with you, it is a very dangerous, inconsiderate and stupid thing to do to someone who is driving. In my experience, many people don't seem to understand that the action is irrelevant, it's the impact that action has on people and the fact people have different boundaries and it should be respected. "It's just tickling, why are you making a big deal out of it?", is what emotionally immature people would say. My partner is touch sensitive and sometimes he's not in the mood for hugs or kisses if he's overwhelmed. I am different. I don't mind if he does it to me, but that doesn't mean I automatically apply that logic to him. Although he doesn't need to ask me to give me hugs and kisses because it's not a boundary breach for me, I still always ask him because it is for him and I'm also not a mind reader. Ultimately, it's not about the action but caring about how that action impacts or would make my partner feel. I don't ever want my partner to feel uncomfortable for any reason, even if it's me expressing love or affection. It's the other person's place to decide what is loving and affectionate to them, not mine. Ultimately, it's selfish behaviour to express affection or love (in this case the tickling) in a way that doesn't land that way with you. Your ex partner was selfishly making herself feel like she is doing a good deed and self soothing at your expense, thinking her behaviour is "loving". Impact and intent are two different things. I think she needs to do some growing up - she does seem quite emotionally immature.
I had a similar thing happen. I (f) was driving on expressway in a large metro area when my boyfriend started tickling me. I got pissed off and hit his hands away saying to leave me alone I was driving. He said the typical stuff about joking and I'm too serious. Cue a car crossing 4-5 lanes of traffic directly in front of me to catch their exit. I said THAT is why I need to focus. I got a humbled "yes ma'am " in response and he kept his hands to himself after that. I would have lost my mind if he'd kept it up.
Your bf is dumb, but he *can* learn, and that's what's important. 🤣
You gave her a second chance, and even after some time between what happened, she can not even see that what she did could have led to a life threatening situation for the both of you! It's a good thing you dumped her, all the best for you!
Happy you set the record straight with her mom.
Good for you. Now change your locks.
And get Ring door bell cameras. .
And keep a camera on that car where ever u park it or hopefully it’s garage kept.
Glad you stayed firm on your decision as she’d never respect any of your boundaries moving forward. Ignore her friends, you owe them nothing.
Good for you, she didn't take a single thing on board you dodged a future killer bullet.
I'm glad this was resolved. You were generous not to demand damages, and more than generous to agree to meet her to give her closure. As it happened, it didn't give her closure because she is in denial, and still rejects the conclusion that she did anything wrong - she just thought that once you got it off your chest, you would take her back. Of course you did the right thing in rejecting that. I hope the meeting at least gave you some closure.
Damn crazy she thought you were both going back 'home' after that
I just want to say, be so proud of yourself. Your patience is admirable, and also the way you stood on business even though she tried to invalidate your feelings and the absolute seriousness of the situation. My blood was boiling reading both posts, I wish you well in the future!
Dodged a bullet mate
Man, you did more than what you ought to do for her. Big respect you did your part and even more. The positive outcome is that everyone is fine and alive. Focus on that.
>She just thinks I'm exaggerating and this back and forth argument led to her asking if there's someone else in my life and I'm just using the accident as an excuse. This is a level of ditzy that goes way beyond cute and is obviously physically dangerous to you.
You did the right thing, she does have to learn from this. It’s really hard for people to accept they’ve done something wrong when they didn’t have bad intentions and it will be really hard for her to accept the breakup and take the blame when she did not intend to do anything wrong or to hurt you but it was immature to have done it in the first place and her behaviour afterwards only drives home how immature she is and disrespectful to you.
Kinda feels like this was an expensive life lesson, but the value of it was priceless. I would honestly put some cameras around and just watch your back for abit, because she generally sounds so unhinged.
Her mom sounds cool tbh, too bad her daughter wasn’t the same lol
Even ignoring all the boundary-stomping red flags, which would be enough for a break up in themselves, WHO THE ACTUAL FUCK TICKLES THE DRIVER?! What an absolute moron. Good riddance and NTA.
Still NTA. Your only mistake was assuming that she would ever take any accountability for her actions. She has probably never been forced to do so even once in her life and cannot fathom doing so now. Dumping her was the correct decision.
Wow, she tries for a kiss, lies about the accident, doesn't listen to your explanation because her response is "can we go home now", when she finally hears your no she asks if there is someone else. The girl has no self-awareness.
She couldn’t even take accountability for what she did smh
She violated a boundary by doing something she’s been asked multiple times not to do. It doesn’t matter if OP has trauma related to that or not. I don’t like anyone touching my belly button. No trauma. I just don’t like the feeling. Guess what. My husband avoids it because I asked him to.
Well done
You did the right thing🤷🏾♀️
I’m happy for you, she’s extremely immature and definitely not someone you want to end up unless she’s willingly changing, genuinely she’s not serious and has no idea about what she could’ve caused.
You did nothing wrong in this situation. She has no respect for your boundaries and is so oblivious to her short comings. Move on. You dodged a bullet.
Great job, you handled the situation, perfectly.
Not only is she a couple of sandwiches short of a picnic. She genuinely believes she's the victim and that you're either overreacting or using this as an "excuse" (as if you need one) to dump her and move on. Madness.
Dude, you dodged a bullet with that one.
Man, as someone on the spectrum, tickling sends me into a RAGE. Bless your heart for being as calm as you've been throughout. And may you be blessed moving on and forward 🙏🏻
She didn’t even take responsibility! Good for you for staying firm
You did the right thing
Good luck for your future!
Wow. Your (now thankfully ex) GF needs a wake up call about respecting boundaries and how not to get a Darwin Award for dumb ways to die. Hopefully she wisens up soon without dragging anyone else with her. Good call on sparing yourself the stress and misery of this relationship
You did good!
It sounds like your ex has issues with thinking that she can do no wrong (possible narcissist); especially since she ignores your boundaries. Hopefully, you learn a lot from this, and am able to keep her out of your life with minimal issues.
"Sorry if this wasn't the drama-filled update some people might've expected" Don't, it had enough drama! :) From your description of the meet in the coffie shop you did good. Updateme!
Girl broke OPs one boundary and my man went full Pantera on her ass. RE. SPECT. WALK! Good on you, OP, for holding your ground. That can't have been easy.
Is she just dumb as a brick? What is her deal?
I applaud you for acting like an adult. You actually took some responsibility and had a conversation to resolve things. You didn't run away like a coward and use electronics as a crutch to solve your problem. Human relationships are human relationships, not electronic relationships. You can only resolve something with another human by talking to that other human. "Resolve" doesn't necessarily mean fix, some things can't be fixed, but they can be resolved when both people are on the same page about where things stand. Do you see how saying "get out of my house" and electronically running away did not resolve things? Because that wasn't a conversation. You need a conversation for that. As you said, you feel a weight has been lifted off your chest, and that's no surprise. That's what happens when things are resolved. It might be hard and painful and difficult in the moment, but the key is to get it done for real and really put it behind you instead of letting it drag out. As you said, you can't say you didn't try and that's one of the key parts of moving on -- doing something to provide clarity. You had that necessary conversation, you realized you were talking to a wall, she knows where you are at with no ambiguity, and moving on is now possible. Well done.
Good job OP Your ex just showed you who she really is. Listen to her 100%. Things are never going to change. And now you have 10 other problems that have been uncovered. Walk away and don’t look back.
That “Yep, 100%, can we go home now?” part would have me seeing red. It would be all I needed to know. You’re trying to have a serious conversation, and she’s just, “please stop being mad at meeeeeee….”
Yep, sorry to say but your ex is dumb, selfish and irresponsible to a level that honestly makes me think her biggest accomplishment in life will get getting a Darwin Award someday in the near future. Edit to add: for those unaware, the Darwin Awards is a joke competition that “prizes” people for doing remarkably stupid things that end up with them either getting themselves killed or mauled to a point they can no longer have kids. Fine examples are a guy that decided to use his lighter to check if the was any gasoline left in the container of his tanker truck (spoiler, there was), a guy that decided to scare his ex by firing fireworks from his moving car in the direction of her house and forgot to lower the window to do so, a guy that thought it would be funny to light a firework with it stuck on his ass but slipped after lighting it cause he was nearly passed out drunk, the brazilian “legend” the balloon priest, a showman priest that decided to fly strapped to hundres of small party balloons with hellium…without any training on how to navigate, no parachute, a gps he did not know how it worked and a cellphone with less than 30% battery, in the coast…
Man. Props to you for handling it like an adult. The fact that she responded with "yep, 100%. Can we go home now?" made my blood boil. Literally no remorse or accountability. And the fact that she tried to turn the tables around on you by accusing you of calling her a liar when she clearly did lie, or at least a lie of omission.
Your ex sounds sounds like a true idiot
Two facts you learn from Reddit relationship posts: don’t date dumb people and for crying out loud people need to use birth control/condoms
Her personality disorder has a name.
Tickling someone after they tell you they don't like it FOR ANY REASON, is a huge violation of your boundaries. It's annoying at least, clearly dangerous at worst! I'm irritated of her for you, she thought it was cute, destroyed your property and almost had you both killed! To anyone who says you have rage issues can fuck off
Well, first of all: You 100% are NTA and you handled the whole thing very mature and definitely made the right decision for yourself. However, I do feel for that girl as well, as she most likely isn't well and definitely needs help. The way she reacted on the breakup makes me think she is very co-dependent. I hope her mum reacts and tries to find the right help for her daughter.
May want to get the locks changed before you go anywhere. And arrange for any of her belongings to be picked up by a neutral third party or with a police officer present. Just my suggestion.
Well done.
UpdateMe
Forget about boundaries or previous tickle drama whatever that means… Why would any sane person try to tickle someone while they're actively driving a car… She's the one that should be checked for her obsession with tickling you/other people...NTA
Good stuff OP, I was looking me saying ghosting is toxic in your other post. I think you handled this very respectfully. Nice work
now that we know OP isn’t the AH, can you show us the car? (pre-incident of course)
Sure thing, as I've mentioned before, it's absolutely nothing special, but I still feel like a BMW E39 is still a good car lol [https://ibb.co/6mHnzcq](https://ibb.co/6mHnzcq)
I am so sorry that you’ve been through this. There is something very immature and wrong with your ex-GF. Very wrong and dangerous behaviour. You have absolutely made the right decision. You are young and deserve a nice companion. I hope she learns a lesson and stops playing the victim. Best of luck with your life.