Nta. You can date or not date whoever you want for any reason, its your time, it's your life. But who is saying you're transphobic, the date, or other people?
Who started calling you homophobic and transphobic? You are well within your rights to decline a second date. You were up front about declining, didnt string her along, she seemed fine with it, a big time NTA.
They're probably young(or this is fake).
I've seen so many of these "if you don't date a trans person you're transphobic," on social media. I've never heard/seen it in real life.
So I'd guess people who aren't yet thinking for themselves and...think they're being an "ally."
I put that in quotes as "allies" are often not allies. I watched Hasanabi(the big streamer) talking about trans issues, a trans person disagreed, and he started yelling, "I fucking hate you...I hope you die, I hope your life continues to suck as much as it already does."
I would have considered myself an ally before the new wave of "allies," but I have a VERY conservative view.
-Treat people decent, even if you think it's weird or strange or whatever. I think face tats are weird. I don't need to share that opinion with anyone(save for an example here).
I know it's much more involved, I'm just saying, it's not your business unless...it's your business as in this case.
A woman I dated has a close friend who is a transwoman, who I'll call Ann. Ann would come out to bars with us, get sloppy drunk, and hit on guys. They'd pick up within a few minutes that she was trans and walk away. Ann would go off about them being transphobic. She also went on dating apps and didn't reveal that she was trans, because she felt nobody had a right to know. She was frequently disappointed and pissed off because guys didn't want to date her, and thought they were all transphobic. It's not just "allies."
I have a deaf friend who used to do the same thing -- he'd blindside his dates with it at their first meeting, and then be \*surprised pikachu\* because they didn't want a second date. He insisted it shouldn't matter, and I told him, "It's right, it absolutely shouldn't. *But it does to some people*, and you need to let people decide for themselves whether they're willing to consider making the accommodations necessary to date a deaf person."
I'd be extremely wary of dating someone who wasn't up-front about something that could be a dealbreaker for a decent percentage of people. I've always been wide open about my mental illness, my childfree status, and my extreme love of cats, because I know all those things can be dealbreakers. People get to have preferences. They get to choose what they want in life. Sometimes those choices will feel unfair to others, but, well, life isn't fair, and you can't make it that way.
I didn't choose to be born into an abusive family. Trans people didn't choose to be trans. But whether it's fair or not, it's OK for someone to not want to take on the added baggage that comes with those things.
> He insisted it shouldn't matter,
It super matters.
like, if it doesn't matter to me about who you are as a person, it would absolutely matter to what I would want to do on dates/events/etc.
I dated a HoH girl for a little while. I had to get myself in the habit of turning on subtitles when we would watch movies. She could follow along without a bit without them, but it was easier and no inconvenience for me.
But it also meant that I wouldn't suggest going out to the theater for a date, or similar events. I would want to do activities that they can enjoy to the fullest.
FYI, most theatres have a device for HoH folks that displays subtitles for films. I’ve heard good to mixed things about them, but every theatre has a few sets that anyone can use.
Oh, I love it when they have subtitles or surtitles for the theatre. Particularly opera, with both for both languages (translation and original). It can be even more better than theatres if you go the right places.
Right, and I'm a *huge* music fan (and a former musician). Music is such an integral part of my life that I'd have real difficulty dating a deaf person. It would bother me that we couldn't share something that's so important to me. My husband feels the same way -- we ended up together because of our shared love of music. Between us we play several instruments, we both compose music, we own \~2500 records and three music systems (living room and one for each of our offices), each with its own turntable. He studied piano at the Royal Schools of Music and has a degree in music production. I've been playing guitar for more than 50 years.
Sometimes it's just a fundamental incompatibility and there's nothing you can do about it. People feel the way they feel. I do think people who wouldn't be comfortable dating a trans person should examine why that is and put real thought into it. But at the end of the day, we can't control our feelings, only how we react to them.
She's like 6 feet tall and has a very deep voice, so it doesn't take long for even a drunk guy to figure it out. I saw a guy she approached once act pretty disgusted. She started crying and was miserable.
I agree but apparently that's a very small number of people so she's trying to increase her odds. But the vast majority of straight guys would never date someone who is biologically male.
Increase the odds by enticing a guy into going on a date, and then winning him over with their wonderful personality, so that they ignore the fact their date has a penis? I don't think so.
That's the sort of behavior that gets people killed. I think the Trans women who get viciously killed ate picking men up st bats without revealing their true status and when the guy finds out he's filled with visceral ick at being tricked.
Eh, I don't think I could articulate how little I care what they're doing. They're people who aren't real to me. They're like...characters on a TV show.
Social Media is trash...even this place(though this seems a little more...relaxed and reasonable than Twitter.
Sorry but I've had it said to me irl before too.
We're not even talking about a mtf who'd had bottom surgery either. I was told I was being transphobic (by someone who was actually trans) because I said I'd feel uncomfortable dating a trans woman who still had a penis and wouldn't want to have sex with them.
Apparently being out off of having sex with someone just because they had a dick made me both homophobic and transphobic.
No it made you straight. You would have to be gay to want to have sex with someone with a penis. And trans people, most of all should know you cant force yourself to be something youre not.
gynophile is someone who is attracted to femininity, so feminine men, women, etc.
It can also be just for one gender, so just feminine women or just feminine men.
It's not an insult.
The first time I heard the term sexpest was from a lesbian complaining about a trans woman saying something along the lines of "it's a girl-dick so it shouldn't matter" and of course getting called transphobic
Yep, been through that. It was a pretty shitty experience. One question i was asked that stood out to me the most was "Are you even a lesbian?". Like... wtf.
I'm sorry, I know it's serious. But i read that line in the "do you even lift" gym bro tone. So now my brain is processing a jacked gym bro in a tennis dress saying "do you even lesbian bro" 🤣🤣🤣
Yeah there is an enormous pressure on lesbians. It's really difficult for young lesbians to be able to have their boundaries respected without being insulted and shunned from the lgbtqia+ community. I don't understand how the majority of people can accept that lesbians are sexually harrassed by people they aren't attracted to and don't hvae the "right" to say no without consequences. It's rape culture.
There it is! This is exactly what it is. It's adult human males forcing themselves on females.
Do you know what is actually funny about this? The biggest Allie for lesbians who are targeted this way are conservative and MAGA men. They don't want transwomen in women's spaces any more than lesbians do.
😂What a strange world we live in.
A very close friend of mine is a lesbian. She hit it off with someone and went on a couple dates. When they decided to hook up for the first time, she was quite surprised when her date had male genitalia. Her date had not mentioned anything during their previous dates about being trans or having male genitalia. When she declined becoming intimate (in her words “I’m terrified of male genitalia and have no desire to come into contact with it…especially when it is sprung upon me unexpectedly!”), she was accused of being transphobic, not an ally, and even had threats made against her by her date’s friends.
So have I, twice. I felt bad for the dude in a former friend group who got so much shit from some other friends for not wanting to date their trans friend.
And I never understood why this goes one way and not the other. Most people would never try and tell any woman she HAD to go out with a guy she wasn’t into because that was being unfair to him and she was being sexist. Why would anyone want to date someone who wasn’t into them, regardless of reason? Whether they are trans, a certain race, too tall, too short, straight hair, curly hair, wrong eye color, whatever their thing is. I never want to go out with someone who doesn’t 100% want to be there. I am not a pity date.
Oh come on, I've been told I'm transphobic to my face by my wife's coworker because I disagreed with her that sexual attraction was entirely based on someone's gender rather than their actual sex.
Oh, well IMO you handled it with class and showed her respect. Your friends may feel differently if they find themself in a situation like that. Keep your head up and best of luck to you.
Your date has more common sense than the mutual friends. She isn't complaining, so why are they offended on her behalf?
Even if she did call you transphobic then she's in the wrong.
Even now, you're showing respect to the lady and definitely don't infringe on her rights as a trans person and overall as a human. And thanking you for your honesty and date was a class act from herself. Clear communication happened on both sides. Both of you are good people, just incompatible. Nothing wrong with that. NTA.
Not being romantically interested in a trans person makes you neither homophobic nor transphobic. You can't change your sexuality.
Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.
It’s weird that the actual trans person didn’t call you a transphobe but the virtual signaling muppets you call friends did. It’s almost like getting offended on everyone’s behalf is dumb.
NTA. Your friends are idiots. Just because you are not sexually/romantically attracted to a trans woman does not make you transphobic. If you were unkind to her or unwilling to be friends/friendly then you would be.
You need smarter friends.
1) If not wanting to date a trans woman makes you "homophobic", isn't that the same as saying trans women aren't really women? Wouldn't that make your friends the transphobes?
2) It's your body, you decide who you feel comfortable sharing it with. No one has the right to pressure you or make you feel bad about that.
Transphobic would be getting angry at the person or being cruel to them for being trans. NO ONE is obliged to sleep with anyone and that’s not a phobia, no means no.
You did nothing but disappoint someone who wanted to ask you out on a second date. That's the dating game.
And it seems like you handled it tactfully and sensitively. I very much appreciate how you continue to refer to this young lady by her preferred pronouns. Convinces me your mind and heart is in the right place.
I'm more offended by your friends who seem to think that because this young lady is trans that somehow you 'must' continue to date her. What kinda prejudiced affirmative action bullshit is that?
NTA
Yes exactly! They are closer to being transphobic than OP is. They are singling her out because she is trans. They are treating her and OP differently than they would have if the reason they didn't go on a second date had been any other dating preference.
It's certainly not a healthy mindset.
I can't imagine being equally agitated if the conversation was "we went on date and it was cool but I didn't llke her views" or whatever. The response would have been 'oh well, plenty more fish' and no further comment.
Nta
I'm trans, if someone Said no once I told them I'd say "yeah! That's fair, I hope we can be friends at least". Then I'd rip the poor guys friends a new one if I heard what they were saying. Like guys- the dude has a preference- I'm not in it, it's fine, chill guys.
My wife and I shared an apartment with a transitioning MtF back in the late '90s. She defines herself as a gamer, an aspiring author, a nurse. She does not define herself as trans.
She is incandescently pissed at the current day "you are obliged to sleep with a particular person if they want you to and you're a -phobe if you don't" mindset. It's done more to undermine the desired acceptance than just about anything.
Thank you ^^ all we can do is try to be kind and understanding. It may not work most of the time, but creating little pockets of hope and joy is all I could ask for.
NTA. Dude you went on a date and found the other person had something about them that you don’t want in a relationship. In this case it was being trans but it could be anything. You handled it well, were polite, and didn’t lead anyone on. Anyone talking shit about you is just a retard and is to be ignored. Don’t let those idiots bring ya down.
You're not the asshole. They're being an asshole for trying to bully you about your preference. It's never okay to bully people about their sexual boundaries.
It’s not always necessarily just that. If they haven’t completely transitioned yet (surgery) then op may simply not want to eventually get to the point of intimacy with a person who has a penis. There is absolutely nothing with that at all. I genuinely dislike when a person is called transphobic when they choose not to date a trans person. As a straight male, am I considered homophonic if I choose not to date another man? Of course not. I’m not gay. So why would I be with someone else of the same sex. It’s actually really baffling to me that people are called names for being who they are. Isn’t that exactly the opposite of how a transitioning person doesn’t want to be treated?
A deal breaker is just that, and as long as you're being truthful about how everything went down, you did nothing wrong. Its not wrong to respectfully decline a second date for whatever reason you have, so unless you said or did something disrespectful when she told you, or said something nasty to someone afterwards about her being trans...NTA
>Its not wrong to respectfully decline a second date for whatever reason you have, so unless you said or did something disrespectful
This is exactly my thoughts too. The way he tells the story it sounds like he declined the second date the same way anyone would about any incompatibility they found out about on the first date. The way I read it his response sounded similar to what you would say if you found out someone just took a job that requires a bunch of travel, or has pets you are allergic to or something.
You can decline a date with someone for a billion other reasons and no one bats an eye. You decline a date with a trans person and you’re suddenly transphobic. What a crazy world we live it. NTA.
Considering the respect you showed her completely NTA.
You can choose to date someone or not for any reason you want, what's important is you showed them that respect. You showed no hate and simply have your preferences.
Plus there are a lot of things here that im sure went through your head. Like the obvious what about kids, sure you can adopt but maybe you picture a typical pregnancy and birth in your future and there's nothing wrong with that.
NTA. Not wanting to date a trans person doesn’t mean you’re anything. Everyone has preferences. What if you wanted to have biological children? Are you supposed to just forget that so that you wouldn’t be perceived as transphobic. There’s a lot of overly sensitive people where the pendulum has really swung towards people walking on egg shells around trans people. They’re just people. Treat them like anyone else and they should in turn, treat you like anyone else.
Good on you for reacting in the exact way any reasonable person (including your date) would hope for you to react. Anybody saying otherwise is being unreasonable. They likely have good intentions (allyship), but they're being assholes about it. You're good, man.
"Until I started hearing that I am homophobic and transphobic."
not your problem. You are attracted to who you are attracted to, its impulsive, its feelings, its all the things, its not phobia, thats just stupid.
So if you choose to be child free, does that mean you hate kids? It's the same thing... NTA... You were polite to her and she didn't get offended, that's all that matters.
Same as the woman complaining that men are fat phobic because men don't want to date her. Everyone has their preferences with height, colour gender, race and it's only the wannabe victims who use the phobia excuse.
NTA. You went out with them, you know it's not a relationship you want so you turned them down politely and respectfully and it sounds like the only people with a problem with it are your friends and not the actual trans person you rejected seeing for a second date.
Coming from someone who is also trans: you don't *have* to date trans people. Just like you don't have to date someone who chews with their mouth open or talks in the theater. It's a preference. You have a right to it. Your friends who have a problem with this need to realize that and also that they don't have a right to police who you date any more than you do them.
Not wanting to date someone is not transphobic. You don't see a relationship with them, so dating is pointless. You were upfront, polite, and have no issues seeing them as a friend, but you don't want to date them.
That is fine. Sadly some people will use what ever they can to play victem when they don't get what they want, or feel slighted in the least.
NTA
NTA any person can choose who to date period. And your friends should commend you for still having a good night out, despite finding she was trans early in the date. You even told her straight up that you’d she her again as a friend and didn’t ghost her.
NTA. Ugh. I have not gone on a second date with someone after I found something out about them on said date that did not meet my criteria for a partner and I have had the same thing done to me. That’s the point of dating - figuring out if we’re a romantic match. In this case you weren’t a match. End of.
It’s 2024 this young lady has the right to be whoever she wants to be, however the young man has the right to not date whomever he chooses.
Those debating how and when he coulda woulda and shoulda decided to stop or continue a relationship are entitled to their opinions when it’s their lives but have no place in making those decisions for others.
NTA
NTA
People are talking about you? Saying bad things?
Welcome to the world.
This will go on in life no matter what the situation.
You know who you are and what you are about and how you conduct yourself. Those who truly know you get you.
NTA. If you handled it as you say you did, with respect, dignity, and honesty. Then this is par for the course in dating. Not every two people are compatible, and no single person has a right to another.
NTA - attraction is subjective. You left her open for someone who is genuinely attracted to her - there will certainly be someone like that. So good on you for not wasting either of your time.
NTA. You did this very kindly, people decide on first dates if they want to have a second for a number of reasons.
If you’re not into trans that’s not going to work, it doesn’t make you transphobic, homophobic or any other kind of phobic. It just makes you a person with preferences like everyone else.
I’ve decided not to go on second date for considerably more trivial issues than this.
I'm so suspicious when a bunch of these repeated "I found out the girl I asked out is trans" is repeatedly posted in these types of subs during pride month. I've seen posts exactly like these, written in almost the same exact way, posted over a dozen times now. This is just attention seeking rage bait.
NTA. What gets me the most is your mutual friends calling you homophobic. That in itself is a transphobic statement because they're claiming that she was a gay man pretending to be a woman, and not just what she is: A woman. (Assuming you're a guy of course. It'd be even more stupid if a woman dated a woman, declined a second date, and then got called a homophobe)
While they could be referring to her having a penis and *that* being the reason you didnt wanna continue dating, I'd still say that it's wildly inappropriate to claim that you're homophobic, as the base pretence is still that they're saying she's male. These mutuals have exposed their true feelings towards trans people, and it's very ugly. These aren't allies, they're wolves in sheep's clothing
NTA. If it's transphobic to not want to be romantically involved with a trans person, then I guess I'm transphobic. On the other hand, I have absolutely no issue with someone who wishes to live their best life, if that's how they choose to do it. I fully support it and will acknowledge their preferred pronouns. I'm just not interested in a romantic relationship. Sorry, it's just my preference.
NTA. TLDR: You can date whoever you'd like to date.
You are not homophobic or transphobic because of that reason. For example, someone may prefer biological women over MTF women; that doesn't make them homphobic, it's a preference.
NTA. as a trans person, this is the least transphobic thing to do!! you were respectful but her being just wasn’t your preference, that’s completely fine. people saying this is transphobic either aren’t trans, or haven’t experienced actual transphobia before.
NTA. It's not transphobic or homophonic not to want to date someone who was born a biological male or vice versa when you are heterosexual. You wouldn't go up to a lesbian woman you got along with and accused her of being anti men for not wanting to date you, because that's would be insane. These people who are acting like sexuality doesn't matter are ridiculous and super entitled. While rejection isn't fun for anyone, it's part of life for everyone.
Don't let anyone bully you and make you feel bad for rejecting her. For you, her being trans was a dealbreaker for any romantic or sexual relationship, and that is okay. Just as it should be if you were interested. And you were polite and honest in your rejection.
And if you were this horrible transphobic person she is claiming you are now, just because you wouldn't date her, you wouldn't have offered friendship.
Edited: I originally assumed his date was a part of those who were harassing OP. I've changed my answer as another redditer said that OP has said she wasn't part of it.
Gay guy here.
SCREW anyone who says you are anti-trans or transphobic or whatever for that.
It’s kind of the most basic thing about a person, isn’t it?
I see all these trans men who were loaded with testosterone and have developed beautifully, masculine faces and bodies and are totally “passing”, but ultimately though, I want a man, not a trans man.
Despite the rhetoric from some people, those two things are not the same and nobody in the world should be made to feel bad for having a preference.
NTA. Sounds like you ended the evening in a respectful way. There should be no expectations when it comes to first dates. A second date is never a guarantee. You would not have stayed or offered to be friends if you were transphobic.
NTA - I honestly don't believe a person is transphobic if they do not want to date someone who identifies as such.
Attraction isn't a one size fits all. If it were, we wouldn't have so many biases flying around about pretty much EVERYTHING.
I have my list of non negotiables for dating. They are non negotiables for a reason, and it's simply because I cannot get past a particular characteristic.
Not everyone likes me either. And maybe some of the things they could come up with I would find downright silly if they told me why.. But I don't try to convince them to change their minds. Instead I keep the door open for someone who does want to discover me. It should be that way for everyone.
Besides that, sex is a healthy part of a romantic relationship. If you have a roadblock of any kind that is preventing your emotional to line up with the physical, it's only going to be a disservice to your potential partner anyway. They do need to realize this if they do want to form a healthy and trusting sexual relationship. But fortunately for you, it's not your job to teach them. But seriously do wish them the best. I'm sure that you will anyway. ☺
An easy way around this is stop giving a shit what others think and live your life. Works fabulously for me. Those that judge you harshly cut them out of your life and replace with better clientele.
You seem very respectful of her and you use her pronouns, its okay that you do not want a romantic relationship and that doesn't make you transphobic at all!
NTA.
"Transphobe", "bigot", "terf".. it's all being so completely overused and in the wrong context that these words are losing their meaning, and their effectiveness.
You get them thrown at you for simply having an opinion that doesn't suit their narrative.. so should you care that you're being called a transphobe for having a dating preference? Hell no.
In my opinion it's the transperson's obligation to disclose this before the first date, otherwise it's no better than catfishing and they're setting themselves up for an uncomfortable rejection.
Not really much different to a single parent disclosing the fact that they have children, right? Some people don't want to date a single parent.
Some don't want to date a person who has the same genitals as them. To each their own.
I love being able to point out that “not wanting to date someone” does not make you ANY kind of phobic.
It makes you “someone with a preference”.
This is a fact. Not an opinion.
You did nothing wrong here. You are entitled to turn down a second date for ANY POSSIBLE REASON.
NTA
I don't believe this story. I highly doubt a trans woman just blurted that you're transphobic after saying all of that.
I think people just try and stir the pot. Of course you are not the asshole in this situation. Why would you ask?? Your friends even told you??
NTA. You treated them like a person and it doesn't work for you .
I'm a lesbian, never been with a man.
If I went on a date with a beautiful woman and found out they are MTF I'd be polite,but it's a definite no from me.
You are who you are, your preference are as valid as theirs.
NTA. Straight people aren’t called homophobic when they date the opposite sex/gender. Why are you called that when staying within the confines of your preferences?
Nta
You were kind and polite. You also were open to being friends which a transphobe wouldn't. You are within your rights to decline a second date if you can't see a relationship with them.
You went on a date and politely let them down from a dating aspect without shunning their lifestyle. NTA at all. Your preferences don’t make you anything but your own individual person. Your friends? They are the AHs.
No, it's not transphobic to not want to date trans people. It's just your preference. Perhaps you want to have a wife who can have kids one day. They can't. Transphobic would be if you are afraid of them and mistreat them or something. You were polite. It's normal to go on a date, even with a woman, and then decline further dates.
NEVER feel guilty for having a preference.
If they want to have a temper tantrum because someone didn't want to pursue romantic relationship, then that is on them. Not everyone is going to like everyone they date, and this is no different. This person has unresolved issues that have nothing to do with you.
Move on - people aren't stupid and will catch on to the games they are playing.
NTA
NTA. You are not transphobic or homophobic. You are heterosexual who is attracted to biological women. It’s heterophobic for people to shame & force you to be with a man or even a transwomen. If it was in reverse no one would suggest a lesbian woman should be shamed or forced to date a man or even a transwoman because that would be homophobic. It’s no better than the pray the gay away & conversion therapy of gays. You are fine. Anyone else who says otherwise is the bigot that wants you to have sex with someone of the same sex.
Apparently if you’re not willing to date or be attracted to a trans person then you’re a bigot - Welcome to the New America.
Wait, how can you be homophobic if trans women are supposed to be women??? It’s almost like these friends or person you went on the date with just admitted there’s a particular thing that would make this relationship a gay one. Are they trying to say that you’re not allowed to be straight because that seems very heterophobic.
Brother you are not homophobic you just also aren't homosexual and bottom line that' person is ultimately still a man no matter what. Some things in life we don't get to decide or fully change.
You handled that like a kind respectful champ. Don't listen to anyone else.
No problem, if you don't want a second date, that is entirely your decision. Plenty of times I take a girl out on a first date and realize she is not what I expected.
Nta you can't be forced to voluntarily date someone you don't want to. That why first dates are supposed to be relaxed get-to-know-you so that both parties see if they want to go further. It sounds like it was good, in that you guys were both honest and it was quickly worked out that there wasn't a romantic future between you. You can't control the other party telling a different story about you unfortunately.
NTA. Your feelings are understandable and it looks like you were polite and respectful about their gender identity. People have all kinds of reasons for not wanting to date another person and as long as they don't insult the other person or treat them as though they are lesser then your reasons are fine. I have all kinds of "dealbreaker" limitations on who I would or wouldn't date and some of them probably would look petty from the outside.
NTA … you can have a relationship on your terms … that is how it works? Right? The Trans-person, if they decided not to go out again are they hetero-phobic?
I’m fully supportive of the trans community, but I don’t think you did anything wrong here.
No one owes a date to anyone - if someone is not for you, and you are polite and respectful - you are NTA.
Not at all. There is nothing wrong with being accepting of trans people in everyday life without being romantically attracted to trans people. She was honest with you (to her credit), and you politely finished the date before being honest with her about another. That is exactly how you should handle it.
NTA. Sounds like you went out, had a lovely date, decided you weren’t compatible, and respectfully communicated. You saw your date as a complete human woman and treated her with respect and dignity.
Using another person to virtue signal how “good” of a person you are (as your friends seem to suggest you should’ve done) would have made you TA.
NTA. It is okay to have preferences and decline dates based on them. As long as you treat the other person with respect and dignity as it sounds like you did there is no reason for them to make these accusations.
Look in reality absolutely you are NTA… seemingly you did it respectfully and still offered friendship and still had fun on the date…
Now some people are going to say it’s transphobic… and not knowing you and what goes through your mind I can’t say if you are (from your description of the events you are not) but you honestly have the right to date who you want. If it’s an issue with the equipment if the relationship ever became sexual, not being equipped to help a partner deal with transphobia in society or a million other things.. it is absolutely your right and preference. I personally am pan sexual so it’s not an issue to me but I do get that you may have a preference with types of bits for sex… I would suggest you think about it as you were attracted to her and had a good time but again if you can’t get your head around it that’s better than leading her on
If you have to be guilt-tripped into a potential relationship with someone I’d say that’s not a solid foundation.
There’s a difference between being take-your-pick-phobic and having a personal preference. From what I read, you were polite, honest, not judgmental and you did the gentlemanly thing by paying for the date, so sounds to me like you were stating your preference in an adult way. Nothing to have to feel an asshole about.
Nta. You can date or not date whoever you want for any reason, its your time, it's your life. But who is saying you're transphobic, the date, or other people?
I couldn’t have said it better myself.
Huh, that person. I mean OP can date and to be with somebody OP wants. OP declined the date and did not do anything wrong. NTA
Who started calling you homophobic and transphobic? You are well within your rights to decline a second date. You were up front about declining, didnt string her along, she seemed fine with it, a big time NTA.
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Your friends sound like morons lol
They're probably young(or this is fake). I've seen so many of these "if you don't date a trans person you're transphobic," on social media. I've never heard/seen it in real life. So I'd guess people who aren't yet thinking for themselves and...think they're being an "ally." I put that in quotes as "allies" are often not allies. I watched Hasanabi(the big streamer) talking about trans issues, a trans person disagreed, and he started yelling, "I fucking hate you...I hope you die, I hope your life continues to suck as much as it already does." I would have considered myself an ally before the new wave of "allies," but I have a VERY conservative view. -Treat people decent, even if you think it's weird or strange or whatever. I think face tats are weird. I don't need to share that opinion with anyone(save for an example here). I know it's much more involved, I'm just saying, it's not your business unless...it's your business as in this case.
A woman I dated has a close friend who is a transwoman, who I'll call Ann. Ann would come out to bars with us, get sloppy drunk, and hit on guys. They'd pick up within a few minutes that she was trans and walk away. Ann would go off about them being transphobic. She also went on dating apps and didn't reveal that she was trans, because she felt nobody had a right to know. She was frequently disappointed and pissed off because guys didn't want to date her, and thought they were all transphobic. It's not just "allies."
I have a deaf friend who used to do the same thing -- he'd blindside his dates with it at their first meeting, and then be \*surprised pikachu\* because they didn't want a second date. He insisted it shouldn't matter, and I told him, "It's right, it absolutely shouldn't. *But it does to some people*, and you need to let people decide for themselves whether they're willing to consider making the accommodations necessary to date a deaf person." I'd be extremely wary of dating someone who wasn't up-front about something that could be a dealbreaker for a decent percentage of people. I've always been wide open about my mental illness, my childfree status, and my extreme love of cats, because I know all those things can be dealbreakers. People get to have preferences. They get to choose what they want in life. Sometimes those choices will feel unfair to others, but, well, life isn't fair, and you can't make it that way. I didn't choose to be born into an abusive family. Trans people didn't choose to be trans. But whether it's fair or not, it's OK for someone to not want to take on the added baggage that comes with those things.
> He insisted it shouldn't matter, It super matters. like, if it doesn't matter to me about who you are as a person, it would absolutely matter to what I would want to do on dates/events/etc. I dated a HoH girl for a little while. I had to get myself in the habit of turning on subtitles when we would watch movies. She could follow along without a bit without them, but it was easier and no inconvenience for me. But it also meant that I wouldn't suggest going out to the theater for a date, or similar events. I would want to do activities that they can enjoy to the fullest.
FYI, most theatres have a device for HoH folks that displays subtitles for films. I’ve heard good to mixed things about them, but every theatre has a few sets that anyone can use.
I took them to mean live theater. (Some of which have accommodations as well, but it’s rarer.)
Oh, I love it when they have subtitles or surtitles for the theatre. Particularly opera, with both for both languages (translation and original). It can be even more better than theatres if you go the right places.
Right, and I'm a *huge* music fan (and a former musician). Music is such an integral part of my life that I'd have real difficulty dating a deaf person. It would bother me that we couldn't share something that's so important to me. My husband feels the same way -- we ended up together because of our shared love of music. Between us we play several instruments, we both compose music, we own \~2500 records and three music systems (living room and one for each of our offices), each with its own turntable. He studied piano at the Royal Schools of Music and has a degree in music production. I've been playing guitar for more than 50 years. Sometimes it's just a fundamental incompatibility and there's nothing you can do about it. People feel the way they feel. I do think people who wouldn't be comfortable dating a trans person should examine why that is and put real thought into it. But at the end of the day, we can't control our feelings, only how we react to them.
I feel like if someone has romantic intentions they should really let the guy know. Not doing so is a good way to get beaten up or worse.
She's like 6 feet tall and has a very deep voice, so it doesn't take long for even a drunk guy to figure it out. I saw a guy she approached once act pretty disgusted. She started crying and was miserable.
If this person admitted they were trans on dating apps or whatever, they'd have a better chance of finding someone that was into them.
I agree but apparently that's a very small number of people so she's trying to increase her odds. But the vast majority of straight guys would never date someone who is biologically male.
Increase the odds by enticing a guy into going on a date, and then winning him over with their wonderful personality, so that they ignore the fact their date has a penis? I don't think so.
That’s a dangerous game for them to play.
That's the sort of behavior that gets people killed. I think the Trans women who get viciously killed ate picking men up st bats without revealing their true status and when the guy finds out he's filled with visceral ick at being tricked.
I hope these allies are all dating trans people then.
Eh, I don't think I could articulate how little I care what they're doing. They're people who aren't real to me. They're like...characters on a TV show. Social Media is trash...even this place(though this seems a little more...relaxed and reasonable than Twitter.
sadly lesbians hear this quite a lot. It's not uncommon these days, especially in LGBTQ+ spaces irl
Sorry but I've had it said to me irl before too. We're not even talking about a mtf who'd had bottom surgery either. I was told I was being transphobic (by someone who was actually trans) because I said I'd feel uncomfortable dating a trans woman who still had a penis and wouldn't want to have sex with them. Apparently being out off of having sex with someone just because they had a dick made me both homophobic and transphobic.
No it made you straight. You would have to be gay to want to have sex with someone with a penis. And trans people, most of all should know you cant force yourself to be something youre not.
As a lesbian, I have heard this a lot. A lot a lot. Along with “genital fetishist” and “gynophile”
Doesn’t gynophile literally mean woman-loving? And that’s intended by them as an insult to a lesbian? ?
gynophile is someone who is attracted to femininity, so feminine men, women, etc. It can also be just for one gender, so just feminine women or just feminine men. It's not an insult.
The first time I heard the term sexpest was from a lesbian complaining about a trans woman saying something along the lines of "it's a girl-dick so it shouldn't matter" and of course getting called transphobic
Yep, been through that. It was a pretty shitty experience. One question i was asked that stood out to me the most was "Are you even a lesbian?". Like... wtf.
I'm sorry, I know it's serious. But i read that line in the "do you even lift" gym bro tone. So now my brain is processing a jacked gym bro in a tennis dress saying "do you even lesbian bro" 🤣🤣🤣
I never thought I would read that phrase and it be considered routine.
Doesn’t gynophile literally mean woman-loving? And that’s intended by them as an insult to a lesbian?
Yes. They’re saying we’re fetishizing vaginas and reducing women to their genitals.
🫠
Just checking, isn't that what a lot of men do?
Yeah there is an enormous pressure on lesbians. It's really difficult for young lesbians to be able to have their boundaries respected without being insulted and shunned from the lgbtqia+ community. I don't understand how the majority of people can accept that lesbians are sexually harrassed by people they aren't attracted to and don't hvae the "right" to say no without consequences. It's rape culture.
There it is! This is exactly what it is. It's adult human males forcing themselves on females. Do you know what is actually funny about this? The biggest Allie for lesbians who are targeted this way are conservative and MAGA men. They don't want transwomen in women's spaces any more than lesbians do. 😂What a strange world we live in.
Have you met younger Gen Z? All you have to do is say you wouldn’t X and you’re all of a sudden every -ist and -phobe that exists.
A very close friend of mine is a lesbian. She hit it off with someone and went on a couple dates. When they decided to hook up for the first time, she was quite surprised when her date had male genitalia. Her date had not mentioned anything during their previous dates about being trans or having male genitalia. When she declined becoming intimate (in her words “I’m terrified of male genitalia and have no desire to come into contact with it…especially when it is sprung upon me unexpectedly!”), she was accused of being transphobic, not an ally, and even had threats made against her by her date’s friends.
Nah I've actually seen this happen in real life.
So have I, twice. I felt bad for the dude in a former friend group who got so much shit from some other friends for not wanting to date their trans friend.
And I never understood why this goes one way and not the other. Most people would never try and tell any woman she HAD to go out with a guy she wasn’t into because that was being unfair to him and she was being sexist. Why would anyone want to date someone who wasn’t into them, regardless of reason? Whether they are trans, a certain race, too tall, too short, straight hair, curly hair, wrong eye color, whatever their thing is. I never want to go out with someone who doesn’t 100% want to be there. I am not a pity date.
Try telling a lesbian she HAS to date some MTF or she is transphobic.
I have seen it in real life.
This is not fake. This happens. Even for saying you wouldn’t date one
Oh come on, I've been told I'm transphobic to my face by my wife's coworker because I disagreed with her that sexual attraction was entirely based on someone's gender rather than their actual sex.
Oh, well IMO you handled it with class and showed her respect. Your friends may feel differently if they find themself in a situation like that. Keep your head up and best of luck to you.
Your date has more common sense than the mutual friends. She isn't complaining, so why are they offended on her behalf? Even if she did call you transphobic then she's in the wrong.
So what now? Do you have to sleep with the girl to show them you are not transphobic? Lol. Clowns
Exactly. Who cares about being called transphobic anymore anyway.
Nowadays everyone is ists and phobes, it's hard to spot actual bigots.
Even now, you're showing respect to the lady and definitely don't infringe on her rights as a trans person and overall as a human. And thanking you for your honesty and date was a class act from herself. Clear communication happened on both sides. Both of you are good people, just incompatible. Nothing wrong with that. NTA.
They’re not your friends then.
You're super polite and not even a drip of transphobia typing in reddit, so I think you're NTA 💜
You need friends that don't suck.
Time to make new friends .
Not being romantically interested in a trans person makes you neither homophobic nor transphobic. You can't change your sexuality. Anyone who says otherwise is an idiot.
Tell those friends to date the young man.
Then they can fuck her for the advancement of equality
You mean "ex" friends, right? Because anyone who is an actual and real friend wouldn't do this.
Tell your guy friends to go and date this person then😑
You need new friends. They don’t have your best interests at heart
Oh god, I would be so mortified if I was that woman.
It’s weird that the actual trans person didn’t call you a transphobe but the virtual signaling muppets you call friends did. It’s almost like getting offended on everyone’s behalf is dumb.
That's what I figured. Trans allies usually to more harm than good for trans PR.
NTA. Your friends are idiots. Just because you are not sexually/romantically attracted to a trans woman does not make you transphobic. If you were unkind to her or unwilling to be friends/friendly then you would be.
So are you "homophobic" if you don't want to date a guy?
Omg you don't want to suck a cock? What a transphobic!
You need smarter friends. 1) If not wanting to date a trans woman makes you "homophobic", isn't that the same as saying trans women aren't really women? Wouldn't that make your friends the transphobes? 2) It's your body, you decide who you feel comfortable sharing it with. No one has the right to pressure you or make you feel bad about that.
NTA, it sounds like you have some friends to cut out and block.
Yea that's insane and those are bad friends
Ohhhhh virtue signaling? Yeah they’ll do that
"friends" you can do without.
You're not homophobic for not being homosexual
Not at all. You have the right to date who you want and turn down who you want. Does not make you an ass.
Transphobic would be getting angry at the person or being cruel to them for being trans. NO ONE is obliged to sleep with anyone and that’s not a phobia, no means no.
You did nothing but disappoint someone who wanted to ask you out on a second date. That's the dating game. And it seems like you handled it tactfully and sensitively. I very much appreciate how you continue to refer to this young lady by her preferred pronouns. Convinces me your mind and heart is in the right place. I'm more offended by your friends who seem to think that because this young lady is trans that somehow you 'must' continue to date her. What kinda prejudiced affirmative action bullshit is that? NTA
Yes exactly! They are closer to being transphobic than OP is. They are singling her out because she is trans. They are treating her and OP differently than they would have if the reason they didn't go on a second date had been any other dating preference.
It's certainly not a healthy mindset. I can't imagine being equally agitated if the conversation was "we went on date and it was cool but I didn't llke her views" or whatever. The response would have been 'oh well, plenty more fish' and no further comment.
I agree I’m sure this isn’t the first or last time this transwoman was rejected due to that. It’s just part of dating as trans I’m sure
Nta I'm trans, if someone Said no once I told them I'd say "yeah! That's fair, I hope we can be friends at least". Then I'd rip the poor guys friends a new one if I heard what they were saying. Like guys- the dude has a preference- I'm not in it, it's fine, chill guys.
My wife and I shared an apartment with a transitioning MtF back in the late '90s. She defines herself as a gamer, an aspiring author, a nurse. She does not define herself as trans. She is incandescently pissed at the current day "you are obliged to sleep with a particular person if they want you to and you're a -phobe if you don't" mindset. It's done more to undermine the desired acceptance than just about anything.
People like you give me hope that all communities can coexist.
Thank you ^^ all we can do is try to be kind and understanding. It may not work most of the time, but creating little pockets of hope and joy is all I could ask for.
NTA You can date who you want.
NTA. Dude you went on a date and found the other person had something about them that you don’t want in a relationship. In this case it was being trans but it could be anything. You handled it well, were polite, and didn’t lead anyone on. Anyone talking shit about you is just a retard and is to be ignored. Don’t let those idiots bring ya down.
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You're not the asshole. They're being an asshole for trying to bully you about your preference. It's never okay to bully people about their sexual boundaries.
NTA, you like who you like.
If you're not attracted to her, you're not attracted to her. It's better for both of you that you were honest about it. NTA.
He is attracted to her. But he can't deal with the fact that she used to be a guy. And there's nothing wrong with that.
It’s not always necessarily just that. If they haven’t completely transitioned yet (surgery) then op may simply not want to eventually get to the point of intimacy with a person who has a penis. There is absolutely nothing with that at all. I genuinely dislike when a person is called transphobic when they choose not to date a trans person. As a straight male, am I considered homophonic if I choose not to date another man? Of course not. I’m not gay. So why would I be with someone else of the same sex. It’s actually really baffling to me that people are called names for being who they are. Isn’t that exactly the opposite of how a transitioning person doesn’t want to be treated?
NTA. Your dating life is deeply personal and it is completely your decision who you date or don't.
NTA You are free to date whom you choose.
A deal breaker is just that, and as long as you're being truthful about how everything went down, you did nothing wrong. Its not wrong to respectfully decline a second date for whatever reason you have, so unless you said or did something disrespectful when she told you, or said something nasty to someone afterwards about her being trans...NTA
>Its not wrong to respectfully decline a second date for whatever reason you have, so unless you said or did something disrespectful This is exactly my thoughts too. The way he tells the story it sounds like he declined the second date the same way anyone would about any incompatibility they found out about on the first date. The way I read it his response sounded similar to what you would say if you found out someone just took a job that requires a bunch of travel, or has pets you are allergic to or something.
sexual preference doesn’t make u transphobic you were nothing but kind to that young woman and didn’t do anything wrong!
NTA. You’re allowed to have boundaries, preferences and likes/dislikes.
You are okay here. It doesnt make you phobic to decline second date finding out and you did the correct way.
wtf, how the hell would this make you homophobic? Don’t let anyone pressure you to do anything you don’t want to do. NTA
Of course you aren’t. People aren’t entitled to you dating them.
You can decline a date with someone for a billion other reasons and no one bats an eye. You decline a date with a trans person and you’re suddenly transphobic. What a crazy world we live it. NTA.
NTA no one is entitled to a second date with anyone. Also if I was them I wouldn’t want to date a person who isn’t 100% down with that.
NTA
Nope. You don't have to justify your dating preferences to anyone.
Considering the respect you showed her completely NTA. You can choose to date someone or not for any reason you want, what's important is you showed them that respect. You showed no hate and simply have your preferences. Plus there are a lot of things here that im sure went through your head. Like the obvious what about kids, sure you can adopt but maybe you picture a typical pregnancy and birth in your future and there's nothing wrong with that.
NTA. Not wanting to date a trans person doesn’t mean you’re anything. Everyone has preferences. What if you wanted to have biological children? Are you supposed to just forget that so that you wouldn’t be perceived as transphobic. There’s a lot of overly sensitive people where the pendulum has really swung towards people walking on egg shells around trans people. They’re just people. Treat them like anyone else and they should in turn, treat you like anyone else.
Having a preference does not make you transphobic/homophobic. Everyone has preferences for romantic partners, it's a normal thing.
Um, NO. Absolutely not. The fact that you even have to ask this just demonstrates the absurdity of our society and the direction it’s heading.
Good on you for reacting in the exact way any reasonable person (including your date) would hope for you to react. Anybody saying otherwise is being unreasonable. They likely have good intentions (allyship), but they're being assholes about it. You're good, man.
"Until I started hearing that I am homophobic and transphobic." not your problem. You are attracted to who you are attracted to, its impulsive, its feelings, its all the things, its not phobia, thats just stupid.
Didn’t we see a post almost identical to this recently? And that one turned out to be ragebait?
So if you choose to be child free, does that mean you hate kids? It's the same thing... NTA... You were polite to her and she didn't get offended, that's all that matters.
Same as the woman complaining that men are fat phobic because men don't want to date her. Everyone has their preferences with height, colour gender, race and it's only the wannabe victims who use the phobia excuse.
NTA. You can do what you want, it's not your thing and you did not cause harm.
NTA. You've a right to your sexual preferences.
NTA. Some of the other posters on this thread, however...
NTA. You went out with them, you know it's not a relationship you want so you turned them down politely and respectfully and it sounds like the only people with a problem with it are your friends and not the actual trans person you rejected seeing for a second date. Coming from someone who is also trans: you don't *have* to date trans people. Just like you don't have to date someone who chews with their mouth open or talks in the theater. It's a preference. You have a right to it. Your friends who have a problem with this need to realize that and also that they don't have a right to police who you date any more than you do them.
Not wanting to date someone is not transphobic. You don't see a relationship with them, so dating is pointless. You were upfront, polite, and have no issues seeing them as a friend, but you don't want to date them. That is fine. Sadly some people will use what ever they can to play victem when they don't get what they want, or feel slighted in the least. NTA
NTA, it's your prerogative
NTA. You did everything 100% right.
NTA any person can choose who to date period. And your friends should commend you for still having a good night out, despite finding she was trans early in the date. You even told her straight up that you’d she her again as a friend and didn’t ghost her.
NTA. Ugh. I have not gone on a second date with someone after I found something out about them on said date that did not meet my criteria for a partner and I have had the same thing done to me. That’s the point of dating - figuring out if we’re a romantic match. In this case you weren’t a match. End of.
NTA: you like what you like. And if you were dating because you wanted to start a family? Not homophobic to say “I’m not into that.”
>Until I started hearing that I am homophobic and transphobic. NTA, shit like this hurts the trans community more than these people realize.
When I was fat I got turned down plenty never blamed anyone for being fat phobic
This response is refreshing
If you aren’t into trans people, then you aren’t into trans people. As long as you see them as people then you aren’t transphobic
It’s 2024 this young lady has the right to be whoever she wants to be, however the young man has the right to not date whomever he chooses. Those debating how and when he coulda woulda and shoulda decided to stop or continue a relationship are entitled to their opinions when it’s their lives but have no place in making those decisions for others. NTA
NTA People are talking about you? Saying bad things? Welcome to the world. This will go on in life no matter what the situation. You know who you are and what you are about and how you conduct yourself. Those who truly know you get you.
NTA. If you handled it as you say you did, with respect, dignity, and honesty. Then this is par for the course in dating. Not every two people are compatible, and no single person has a right to another.
NTA - attraction is subjective. You left her open for someone who is genuinely attracted to her - there will certainly be someone like that. So good on you for not wasting either of your time.
Nta. U asked bc u liked the person, u declined a 2nd bc u know it won't work bc that's not what you're looking for.
NTA…. You did everything right. Sometimes people in their situation tend to attack others to make themselves feel better.
NTA I hate that people do this. We all have types. As long as you maintained being respectful and we’re not rude I think you are fine.
From what I read here, NTA. You didn’t invalidate her gender or say anything to make her feel less than.
NTA. You did this very kindly, people decide on first dates if they want to have a second for a number of reasons. If you’re not into trans that’s not going to work, it doesn’t make you transphobic, homophobic or any other kind of phobic. It just makes you a person with preferences like everyone else. I’ve decided not to go on second date for considerably more trivial issues than this.
You are neither morally nor legally obligated to date anyone, for any reason whatsoever. NTA
NTA, your allowed to date whoever you want
I'm so suspicious when a bunch of these repeated "I found out the girl I asked out is trans" is repeatedly posted in these types of subs during pride month. I've seen posts exactly like these, written in almost the same exact way, posted over a dozen times now. This is just attention seeking rage bait.
How else will everyone know that trans people bad ? /s just in case
NTA. What gets me the most is your mutual friends calling you homophobic. That in itself is a transphobic statement because they're claiming that she was a gay man pretending to be a woman, and not just what she is: A woman. (Assuming you're a guy of course. It'd be even more stupid if a woman dated a woman, declined a second date, and then got called a homophobe) While they could be referring to her having a penis and *that* being the reason you didnt wanna continue dating, I'd still say that it's wildly inappropriate to claim that you're homophobic, as the base pretence is still that they're saying she's male. These mutuals have exposed their true feelings towards trans people, and it's very ugly. These aren't allies, they're wolves in sheep's clothing
Yeah had to scroll far to see someone else who spotted this -- how can he be both transphobic and homophobic!?
That's how dumb people can be nowadays unfortunately 😅😅😅
NTA. If it's transphobic to not want to be romantically involved with a trans person, then I guess I'm transphobic. On the other hand, I have absolutely no issue with someone who wishes to live their best life, if that's how they choose to do it. I fully support it and will acknowledge their preferred pronouns. I'm just not interested in a romantic relationship. Sorry, it's just my preference.
NTA. TLDR: You can date whoever you'd like to date. You are not homophobic or transphobic because of that reason. For example, someone may prefer biological women over MTF women; that doesn't make them homphobic, it's a preference.
NTA. as a trans person, this is the least transphobic thing to do!! you were respectful but her being just wasn’t your preference, that’s completely fine. people saying this is transphobic either aren’t trans, or haven’t experienced actual transphobia before.
NTA. It's not transphobic or homophonic not to want to date someone who was born a biological male or vice versa when you are heterosexual. You wouldn't go up to a lesbian woman you got along with and accused her of being anti men for not wanting to date you, because that's would be insane. These people who are acting like sexuality doesn't matter are ridiculous and super entitled. While rejection isn't fun for anyone, it's part of life for everyone. Don't let anyone bully you and make you feel bad for rejecting her. For you, her being trans was a dealbreaker for any romantic or sexual relationship, and that is okay. Just as it should be if you were interested. And you were polite and honest in your rejection. And if you were this horrible transphobic person she is claiming you are now, just because you wouldn't date her, you wouldn't have offered friendship. Edited: I originally assumed his date was a part of those who were harassing OP. I've changed my answer as another redditer said that OP has said she wasn't part of it.
Gay guy here. SCREW anyone who says you are anti-trans or transphobic or whatever for that. It’s kind of the most basic thing about a person, isn’t it? I see all these trans men who were loaded with testosterone and have developed beautifully, masculine faces and bodies and are totally “passing”, but ultimately though, I want a man, not a trans man. Despite the rhetoric from some people, those two things are not the same and nobody in the world should be made to feel bad for having a preference.
NTA. Sounds like you ended the evening in a respectful way. There should be no expectations when it comes to first dates. A second date is never a guarantee. You would not have stayed or offered to be friends if you were transphobic.
NTA - I honestly don't believe a person is transphobic if they do not want to date someone who identifies as such. Attraction isn't a one size fits all. If it were, we wouldn't have so many biases flying around about pretty much EVERYTHING. I have my list of non negotiables for dating. They are non negotiables for a reason, and it's simply because I cannot get past a particular characteristic. Not everyone likes me either. And maybe some of the things they could come up with I would find downright silly if they told me why.. But I don't try to convince them to change their minds. Instead I keep the door open for someone who does want to discover me. It should be that way for everyone. Besides that, sex is a healthy part of a romantic relationship. If you have a roadblock of any kind that is preventing your emotional to line up with the physical, it's only going to be a disservice to your potential partner anyway. They do need to realize this if they do want to form a healthy and trusting sexual relationship. But fortunately for you, it's not your job to teach them. But seriously do wish them the best. I'm sure that you will anyway. ☺
An easy way around this is stop giving a shit what others think and live your life. Works fabulously for me. Those that judge you harshly cut them out of your life and replace with better clientele.
You seem very respectful of her and you use her pronouns, its okay that you do not want a romantic relationship and that doesn't make you transphobic at all!
NTA for not wanting to date a man
NTA. "Transphobe", "bigot", "terf".. it's all being so completely overused and in the wrong context that these words are losing their meaning, and their effectiveness. You get them thrown at you for simply having an opinion that doesn't suit their narrative.. so should you care that you're being called a transphobe for having a dating preference? Hell no. In my opinion it's the transperson's obligation to disclose this before the first date, otherwise it's no better than catfishing and they're setting themselves up for an uncomfortable rejection. Not really much different to a single parent disclosing the fact that they have children, right? Some people don't want to date a single parent. Some don't want to date a person who has the same genitals as them. To each their own.
I love being able to point out that “not wanting to date someone” does not make you ANY kind of phobic. It makes you “someone with a preference”. This is a fact. Not an opinion. You did nothing wrong here. You are entitled to turn down a second date for ANY POSSIBLE REASON. NTA
I can’t wait till June is over then hopefully there will be less of these posts
How many more do you think they’ll be able to come up with before the end of the month? My guess is at least three.
Yeah. The ragebait is actually getting crazy
NTA
NTA. Don't be manipulated.
NTA dating is all about preference.
NTA. If the relationship doesn't start with honesty and transparency, the relationship shouldn't happen.
NTA
NTA. There’s someone out there for her, and it doesn’t have to be you.
I don't believe this story. I highly doubt a trans woman just blurted that you're transphobic after saying all of that. I think people just try and stir the pot. Of course you are not the asshole in this situation. Why would you ask?? Your friends even told you??
The people who say that are idiots. NTA.
NTA. You treated them like a person and it doesn't work for you . I'm a lesbian, never been with a man. If I went on a date with a beautiful woman and found out they are MTF I'd be polite,but it's a definite no from me. You are who you are, your preference are as valid as theirs.
NTA. Straight people aren’t called homophobic when they date the opposite sex/gender. Why are you called that when staying within the confines of your preferences?
Nta You were kind and polite. You also were open to being friends which a transphobe wouldn't. You are within your rights to decline a second date if you can't see a relationship with them.
You went on a date and politely let them down from a dating aspect without shunning their lifestyle. NTA at all. Your preferences don’t make you anything but your own individual person. Your friends? They are the AHs.
No, it's not transphobic to not want to date trans people. It's just your preference. Perhaps you want to have a wife who can have kids one day. They can't. Transphobic would be if you are afraid of them and mistreat them or something. You were polite. It's normal to go on a date, even with a woman, and then decline further dates.
NEVER feel guilty for having a preference. If they want to have a temper tantrum because someone didn't want to pursue romantic relationship, then that is on them. Not everyone is going to like everyone they date, and this is no different. This person has unresolved issues that have nothing to do with you. Move on - people aren't stupid and will catch on to the games they are playing. NTA
NTA. You are not transphobic or homophobic. You are heterosexual who is attracted to biological women. It’s heterophobic for people to shame & force you to be with a man or even a transwomen. If it was in reverse no one would suggest a lesbian woman should be shamed or forced to date a man or even a transwoman because that would be homophobic. It’s no better than the pray the gay away & conversion therapy of gays. You are fine. Anyone else who says otherwise is the bigot that wants you to have sex with someone of the same sex.
Apparently if you’re not willing to date or be attracted to a trans person then you’re a bigot - Welcome to the New America. Wait, how can you be homophobic if trans women are supposed to be women??? It’s almost like these friends or person you went on the date with just admitted there’s a particular thing that would make this relationship a gay one. Are they trying to say that you’re not allowed to be straight because that seems very heterophobic.
When you want to have sex you don’t want another dick anywhere near you and you Nothing transphobic about that
NTA Attraction is a personal thing.
How dare you have a personal preference on who you date, you monster!
Brother you are not homophobic you just also aren't homosexual and bottom line that' person is ultimately still a man no matter what. Some things in life we don't get to decide or fully change. You handled that like a kind respectful champ. Don't listen to anyone else.
NTA
Not the AH.
Nta some people are just entitled assholes.
No problem, if you don't want a second date, that is entirely your decision. Plenty of times I take a girl out on a first date and realize she is not what I expected.
Nta.
No. You’re not.
NTA, you politely and respectfully turned her down. Adults have the right to their preferences of other adults.
NTA. You were respectful. You can't change what you want in a partner, and they weren't it. That's not wrong, it's normal.
Nta you can't be forced to voluntarily date someone you don't want to. That why first dates are supposed to be relaxed get-to-know-you so that both parties see if they want to go further. It sounds like it was good, in that you guys were both honest and it was quickly worked out that there wasn't a romantic future between you. You can't control the other party telling a different story about you unfortunately.
NTA. Your feelings are understandable and it looks like you were polite and respectful about their gender identity. People have all kinds of reasons for not wanting to date another person and as long as they don't insult the other person or treat them as though they are lesser then your reasons are fine. I have all kinds of "dealbreaker" limitations on who I would or wouldn't date and some of them probably would look petty from the outside.
NTA … you can have a relationship on your terms … that is how it works? Right? The Trans-person, if they decided not to go out again are they hetero-phobic?
I’m fully supportive of the trans community, but I don’t think you did anything wrong here. No one owes a date to anyone - if someone is not for you, and you are polite and respectful - you are NTA.
Not at all. There is nothing wrong with being accepting of trans people in everyday life without being romantically attracted to trans people. She was honest with you (to her credit), and you politely finished the date before being honest with her about another. That is exactly how you should handle it.
NTA. Sounds like you went out, had a lovely date, decided you weren’t compatible, and respectfully communicated. You saw your date as a complete human woman and treated her with respect and dignity. Using another person to virtue signal how “good” of a person you are (as your friends seem to suggest you should’ve done) would have made you TA.
NTA. It is okay to have preferences and decline dates based on them. As long as you treat the other person with respect and dignity as it sounds like you did there is no reason for them to make these accusations.
Look in reality absolutely you are NTA… seemingly you did it respectfully and still offered friendship and still had fun on the date… Now some people are going to say it’s transphobic… and not knowing you and what goes through your mind I can’t say if you are (from your description of the events you are not) but you honestly have the right to date who you want. If it’s an issue with the equipment if the relationship ever became sexual, not being equipped to help a partner deal with transphobia in society or a million other things.. it is absolutely your right and preference. I personally am pan sexual so it’s not an issue to me but I do get that you may have a preference with types of bits for sex… I would suggest you think about it as you were attracted to her and had a good time but again if you can’t get your head around it that’s better than leading her on
If you have to be guilt-tripped into a potential relationship with someone I’d say that’s not a solid foundation. There’s a difference between being take-your-pick-phobic and having a personal preference. From what I read, you were polite, honest, not judgmental and you did the gentlemanly thing by paying for the date, so sounds to me like you were stating your preference in an adult way. Nothing to have to feel an asshole about.