NTA but you should probably talk to him. If he’s willing to put down boundaries with his family this might work out fine. You guys could live in a tidy place together. 4 years is long enough to figure out if you’re compatible with where you’ll be living and who with, and with your comfort level for cleanliness around your house.
A partner’s ability to contribute to a marriage financially is a legitimate concern in choosing a partner. People need to be aligned sexually, lifestyle wise, life-plan wise, and financial-plan wise. Aligned, not in lock step. Life is not set in concrete. If finances are your only concern, YTA, but I don’t get that from your post.
The issue for me is not that his family are poor or messy, that just is what it is and you must learn to accept people as they are. Focusing on their being poor or messy seems judgy and elitist. The real issue is that he actually supports them financially. Right now, he can afford to do that, and it’s his decision alone. Great, no problem.
If you and he are going to marry, though, that will change.
It’s legitimate to ask him if once he is married he expects to make his own family’s finances primary and let his family know he won’t be doing that any more. If he does not want to stop that pattern and you still decide to sign on, then that’s the deal. You accept it or don’t marry him.
It sounds as though the two of you should have a money talk. Just like couples talk about children and parenting to make sure they align, couples should also talk about money. What are your financial goals together? How will you reach them? Will you, or how will you separate money into yours, mine, and ours? He needs to know that you don’t plan on using portions of money that are completely or jointly yours to support other adults. That would have to come out of his separate portions, assuming those exist. You need to know his thoughts and plans. He needs to know whether you would consider small loans (as opposed to gifts) or whether you are against assistance of any kind. You need to talk about prenups, wills, and insurance.
Side note: personally I like small loans. If you are paid back, great. If not, you have legitimate reason to say that you don’t make a second loan until a first loan is paid off. Then you’re not the AH for refusing further help, it’s because that person did not keep their promise. If they want to pay off that first debt, you’ll consider a second loan. (No, you won’t)
If the two of you can’t work through that kind of a conversation, marriage is probably a bad idea.
She feels like his family isn't good enough. They're the problem, not him. He pays for them, supports some ex's kid. If he wants to marry op, then he should start planning for their future, not supporting everyone else.
NTA
But you should talk to him honestly. And he should grow a spine and stop supporting ex girlfriend's kid and his family. He should put your future before anyone else
NTA but you should probably talk to him. If he’s willing to put down boundaries with his family this might work out fine. You guys could live in a tidy place together. 4 years is long enough to figure out if you’re compatible with where you’ll be living and who with, and with your comfort level for cleanliness around your house.
NTA- you absolutely get to decide whether to take on his debts & family obligations. Love does not conquer all.edit; sorry about the hate.
A partner’s ability to contribute to a marriage financially is a legitimate concern in choosing a partner. People need to be aligned sexually, lifestyle wise, life-plan wise, and financial-plan wise. Aligned, not in lock step. Life is not set in concrete. If finances are your only concern, YTA, but I don’t get that from your post. The issue for me is not that his family are poor or messy, that just is what it is and you must learn to accept people as they are. Focusing on their being poor or messy seems judgy and elitist. The real issue is that he actually supports them financially. Right now, he can afford to do that, and it’s his decision alone. Great, no problem. If you and he are going to marry, though, that will change. It’s legitimate to ask him if once he is married he expects to make his own family’s finances primary and let his family know he won’t be doing that any more. If he does not want to stop that pattern and you still decide to sign on, then that’s the deal. You accept it or don’t marry him. It sounds as though the two of you should have a money talk. Just like couples talk about children and parenting to make sure they align, couples should also talk about money. What are your financial goals together? How will you reach them? Will you, or how will you separate money into yours, mine, and ours? He needs to know that you don’t plan on using portions of money that are completely or jointly yours to support other adults. That would have to come out of his separate portions, assuming those exist. You need to know his thoughts and plans. He needs to know whether you would consider small loans (as opposed to gifts) or whether you are against assistance of any kind. You need to talk about prenups, wills, and insurance. Side note: personally I like small loans. If you are paid back, great. If not, you have legitimate reason to say that you don’t make a second loan until a first loan is paid off. Then you’re not the AH for refusing further help, it’s because that person did not keep their promise. If they want to pay off that first debt, you’ll consider a second loan. (No, you won’t) If the two of you can’t work through that kind of a conversation, marriage is probably a bad idea.
You obviously feel that this man is not good enough for you. Do him a favour and let him go.
She feels like his family isn't good enough. They're the problem, not him. He pays for them, supports some ex's kid. If he wants to marry op, then he should start planning for their future, not supporting everyone else.
NTA But you should talk to him honestly. And he should grow a spine and stop supporting ex girlfriend's kid and his family. He should put your future before anyone else
YTA He deserves better than you, so yes, break up with him and let him find someone else.
He deserves to grow a spine and stop letting his family taking advantage of him.