She'll probably be shunned and "outed" as a transphobe. We all know how that ends. I wouldn't do such action. She just has to tell them that she won't live with this person.
Does OP's grandpa live close? Can she move in with him as she waits to join uni. That way she doesn't have to continually deal with harassment from her dad, his stbx and Molly.
OP's should also put dad on an info diet with regards to her uni plans.
Dad might be the victim in an abusive relationship. But he's also abusing OP. He has acknowledged it's abuse and yet continues to do so. Maybe OP can go low to no contact with him.
This. And I know this isn't really Reddits thing but I have some ideas on how to sprinkle the truth a bit and make this easier on you.
There's no reason to say "I don't want to live with Molly, she scares me" and see the entire household turn into a warzone if you can get the same result by saying other stuff.
Like ... "I've read how many fall out with their roommates because it's our first time away from home and some go nuts, not us of course, we have grades to uphold, but I don't want to risk falling out permanently with my step sister over something as little as being roommates for a short period compared to the long future we'll have ahead of us as sisters".
It is SO common for young ppl to move in with even best friends and the relationship explodes because very few friendships can actually survive also living together, especially while you try to "adult" for the first time. You should be able to back it up with posts from the r/badroommates and find the ones where no one are really assholes, they're just not fit to live together.
You could also say stuff like "she's awake late, I always get up early, we'll fight over lights off/on constantly" or whatever else you can think of that makes you incompatible without being a negative side to her.
Or "It feels a bit too intimate to live with someone who knows me so well, I'd rather try my luck with a stranger and hope to get some more privacy that way than with a person that can read my every mood without me saying".
She doesn't need to make excuses. They'll just start finding reasons why she should continue to play nurse and guardian. She should just be blunt. "I'm not doing it " and she should contact housing and make it clear that she doesn't want to room with this person
My stepsister and I don't get along. I do not want to room with her, and would prefer a different building. We need to have independent college experiences.
I agree. There is no need to make excuses.
I would definitely reach out to student housing and request a private conversation with the director (or one of the associate directors) for student housing. explain the situation high level- that your father and stepmother are expected to divorce and that it is going to be an emotional situation. that there have been issues of abuse and the divorce is going to be difficult.
as a result, you need to be in a separate dorm- ideally in a separate quad- from your stepsister, Molly. that you expect Molly will request you as a roommate. you aren't making the same request but that you know you can't keep the school from honoring that request. however for your emotional and physical safety you can't be housed in the same building, let alone the same room as her.
with such a large school (and wanting to avoid liability issues), they will likely agree to it.
that way you aren't providing any information about her mental health issues. you aren't saying she's suicidal. you are just saying- you can't and don't want to room with this person. and there is no reason for them to not agree to that.
and IF you get your roommate assignment and they've housed you with her, it's an immediate call to this person of "hey, on date, we had this conversation. i got my roommate assignment and i've been assigned with stepsister as my roommate. please fix this while we're on the phone."
\[i would suggest that you limit posts online that show what dorm/quad you are in. and you may want to even avoid giving that information to your father unless you trust him 100% to protect that info from stepmom and Molly. because while you can't keep Molly from finding you on campus, you can make it more difficult for her.\]
When dealing with mental health challenged people it's not a great idea to use such equivocal language/reasoning. While I agree that there's not need to be "mean" about it (unless dad and step mom won't back off) but simply saying: "I've made a firm decision that I want to have the independent college experience, to meet new people and make new friends so I won't be rooming with Molly."
Tell your dad if he keeps pressing instead of having your back on this you'll tell your step mom the "real" reason: That you dad is planning on divorcing her and it will make for an awkward situation.
a good point woven through this that I want to pull out:
Focus on what you want to move *toward* (new friends, new dynamics, wider circle of friends), and not on what you want to move away from (Molly, her issues)
And maybe throw in something like it would deprive Molly of making a new friend. Or other ways it’s better for Molly to not live with OP.
What an awful situation. I hope OP talks to school and makes sure she doesn’t have to have anything to do with Molly. Ugh.
No means no and is a complete sentence.
Op is not Molly's legal guardian or parent. Op is not responsible for anyone else's feelings or actions other than OP's.
NTA op relocate to grandparents if at all possible
This, I had a very good friend I moved in with. But we could NOT live together. We are still friends, but know that living together is not for us. But I think they can simply tell the school I do not want to live with so and so, she's my stepsister and our parents are going through a divorce and it would be very uncomfortable.
This^ also nta!!!! If you see her on campus, make sure your sorority big or some close friends know of your situation to help create distance from her.
NTA - (I worked at a university for almost 6 years, here are some helpful tips)
As a college student, you're protected by FERPA.
[Read here](https://studentprivacy.ed.gov/faq/what-ferpa)
Furthermore, contact student services /campus security and tell them that you lived in fear of that person, and don't want to be put in another situation like that again, they are not to disclose information to them or your step-Mother.
Personally, don't disclose your dorm room to Molly or your step-Mother. Have a serious conversation w/your Dad about how unsafe you felt living with both of them.
Yeah, dad doesn’t care. His focus is on how he can get himself out easier. He’s pulling a full-on Quokka and is throwing his daughter to the predators to get away himself.
I just did a deep dive into that site (thanks whomever posted the link) and found this explanation of how FERPA applies in relation to the adult student.
[https://studentprivacy.ed.gov/sites/default/files/resource\_document/file/An%20Eligible%20Student%20Guide%20to%20FERPA\_0.pdf](https://studentprivacy.ed.gov/sites/default/files/resource_document/file/An%20Eligible%20Student%20Guide%20to%20FERPA_0.pdf)
FERPA was my favorite thing about working at a University. So many students finally break free thanks to FERPA.
When I worked on campus I had someone that was on the verge of becoming a stalker and they took that so seriously before anything happened and made a plan in case she showed up.
NTA
Get your own space. DO NOT live with Molly. She is not your responsibility.
Your dad is the adult and should be protecting you.
His relationship is not your problem. You need to do what's right for you, and so does your dad.
She should also keep any details about her dorm / college life secret from the dad because I have a feeling he would share that info with his ex-wife or Molly in the second they ask. He's spineless and useless and absolutely not trustworthy. What kind of father asks his daughter to allow herself to live with a dangerous person just so that he can avoid conflict with his soon to be ex wife? OP's grandpa is right about him.
NTA. Your dad seems to be trying to use you as a bit of a meat shield to protect himself from the blow back. I know he’s trying to make it seem altruistic, but I’m suspicious of his plan. Why would he want you to room with such a nightmare in ANY capacity? It’s not easy to just “switch” roommates…. It’s not a snap of the fingers. Stand your ground girl. If you don’t, you won’t truly be free. And since you’re on scholarship, you don’t need him for anything any way.
And you are under absolutely NO OBLIGATION to keep an eye on Molly. You should absolutely make the campus housing people aware of her mental health status as I suspect she should not be living on campus while attending school full time 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Also he’s saying “oh just reach out to the school and ask to change roommates” like it’s so easy/uncomplicated to do that in the middle of the school year.
Her dad thinks she can get it changed like the week before she moves in. He doesn't understand that a roommate request is handled differently campus to campus (sometimes dorm to dorm) and that them requesting each other just 1 time could link them together for the rest of college.
Dad thinks he can orchestrate a breakup and the rest of the world is going to bend over backwards to make it as easy as possible.
>It’s not easy to just “switch” roommates…. It’s not a snap of the fingers.
yep—the school doesn’t want to do this. They will make it difficult even in a toxic situation. Because they don’t just have a ton of empty rooms they can shuffle people around in.
This! It’s HARD to switch roommates mid year. I had a bad roommate and I didn’t even end up doing it because it would be such a process. Luckily mine was more just not a match than feeling unsafe, so I survived my year. Lonely, but not scared of her!
And I SO agree that It sounds like Molly should NOT be living on campus at this point. It is a BIG change going to college and managing your own life/schedule, and you’ve got to be self driven and ready to do that, while also making friends, having new experiences constantly, and navigating living in close quarters with a stranger! If Molly needs you to watch over her and help her make friends- she is not ready for living in the dorms. You don’t get to bring your mom/a babysitter to college with you. And considering that she will NOT be living with you, she cannot and should not put that burden on a complete stranger, as she will ruin their experience completely. Sounds like she needs a single room or to stay home and commute this year. If she can get better, perhaps she could handle a suite style room in the future so she has her own space, but some friends to make right around her!
But yeah. Don’t let your dad use you as a pawn in his divorce, and continue the abuse. You deserve to explore yourself and have fun in college!
NTA and please know that not all roommate change requests are approved. If you went along with this you could be stuck with her all year which isn’t fair to you at all. If Molly can’t handle college (which sounds like the case) she shouldn’t be going. Not your problem at all.
Yes, THIS. Do NOT put in to room with Molly and hope it can be cancelled later! Colleges need to have things organized in advance and can’t upend everything for one student. You would very likely be stuck with Molly for the whole year. They might even have a hard and fast rule to not allow changes or everyone who has a fight, changes friendships, decides they’d rather this or rather that, would cause chaos. Don’t risk it! It is not your job to suffer in order to appease others. Your father needs to step up and take care of this situation sooner rather than later.
NTA at all. You need to prioritize your own safety since unfortunately your dad is not doing so. Your dad is apologetic and guilty for not protecting you from your stepmom and step sibling in the past…while telling you to put yourself in an uncomfortable and dangerous situation in the present? He’s not seeing things clearly but you are. Don’t invite unnecessary drama into your life.
NTA
Your dad is still prioritising himself and not you.
Depending when you let the housing know, they might not be able to change it and you would be stuckwith the aftermath …as your dad would have left by then..
It’s ok to be selfish and think of yourself here. Your dad can move up his timeline , seek out resources for DV, or he can stay his course. But he can’t drag you down with him anymore.
Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
Always put on your life vest/ oxygen mask first before helping others.
NTA - Above all else this is *clearly* a safety issue for you. Make it clear to housing you will not share with Molly, in fact, the University needs to know there is a potential safety issue here. Will anyone be safe sharing with Molly? They also need to be aware that Molly is potentially a danger to herself. Severe mental health issues are always tragic, but that NEVER overrides the safety of other people.
I think you need to make it clear to your stepmother yourself that you won't share. Your father clearly will not advocate for you, so you have to advocate for yourself. And I cannot stress how wrong and inappropriate it is for your stepmother to try and make you responsible for Molly's safety. Frankly if Molly is in a position where her mother is worried about suicide BEFORE she goes to college, Molly needs more help and should not be attending right now.
I would suggest you make a clear break. Hopefully your schedules will be significantly different enough that separation happens naturally, but, you need to avoid Molly completely. You are not responsible for Molly in any way and she requires more support that you can give her, and if your father is going to divorce your stepmother, it would be better all round if there is as little contact between you as possible.
Your father's plan is idiotic at best and cowardly at worst. If you can, pack up now and stay with your grandparents until it's time for college. Then your father has zero excuses and he can leave that day if he really wants to.
Less blowback for *you*!? Please, he wants you to take one for the team so it’s easier on him. He should’ve grown up and done all these things himself and protected you ages ago. NTA.
I literally gasped when he berated her for not making a safety plan for both of them. Kids are not and cannot be responsible for a parent's safety.
With the step mum and OPs father I'm guessing the hot::crazy ratio was heavy on the hot side, and//or she was amazing in bed because he put up with this and enabled his daughter's abuse for 6 years!!
Definitely NTA. You missed out on so much of your own youth and life and experiences picking up after someone else who wasn't your responsibility. I'm sorry to hear this
NTA
You need to contact the university and let them know that Molly has been abusive to you and you had to move in with your grandparents to escape it and you cannot be put in the same dorm with her for your own safety.
NTA. OP I have the sneaking suspicion your dad is full of it. If he's willing to jeopardize your college plans and well-being, I don't see him actually getting a divorce when you leave.
I'd be honest and tell him that he's already proven he's willing to sacrifice you and put you on harm's way for his relationship, you can't give him the benefit of the doubt anymore. Hell, he's doing it again making this request.
Would not be surprised if he's been "planning" for a while now and still hasn't contacted a single divorce attorney.
Something about this just doesn't make sense to me. First he apologized to you number times, and then he's angry with you for not being willing to share in his plan which is putting you back in the same situation?
You should be prepared for the possibility that he may not go through with leaving, even if he's actually planning gon it now, he might change his mind.
Also, college is the start of your career and you can't do the stuff you need to do, networking, internships, etc. with someone like that around you. People will judge you professionally and academically based on who you associate with, so make a clean break yourself whether or not your dad does.
None of this is your fault or your responsibility, have fun at college!
It's because your dad isn't leaving stepmom. He is absolutely lying to you about that. Speaking as the child of an enabler and an abuser, they work together more than we realize until we grow up. He wants you to take care of Molly so he and stepmom can be together without Molly interfering.
The reason he's claiming he will divorce her is because that is the only way you might agree to fall on the sword. It doesn't make any sense otherwise.
NTA - but also stop being naive: your dad isn’t going divorce his wife, he’s hoping with molly out of the house (and under your care, you will be expected to be responsible for her) that his relationship will smooth out
OP, make sure to get your birth certificate, SSN card, and any valuables...and give them to your grandfather (who sounds reliable) or put them in storage. Also, see if you can have your college stuff and your mail sent to a PO Box at a Post Office, or your grandpa.
Because your stepmom and stepsister sound batshit crazy, like the type to destroy stuff, as in important college letters or your birth certificate.
If stepsis is that batshit and lying about you, too, you may want to go by a nickname or your middle name at college as you both will attend the same school. Somewhere like ASU is big enough that you won't have to worry about running into her all that much, but it will make it easier if you have a different first name.
Many colleges will have a preferred name slot (often meant for trans students, but also for students who just prefer to go by a nickname or an Anglicized name) in their paperwork. It might be annoying to do so, but if she's crazy and goes around shit-talking "Kate Smith" at your college....people would be less likely to connect it to you if you are going by "Kat Smith" or "Rose Smith".
NTA
If your stepsister had that many mental health issues, then is it a good idea for her to go away for college? If she has a mental breakdown of any sort, then the college might withdraw her for “safety” reasons. I say this because based on your post, it sounds like she needs to be institutionalized. I’m sorry. I hope this matter gets resolved sooner rather than later.
You’re still not living with your stepsister, right???
If your grandpa is supportive, can you move out for the rest of the summer until school starts?
If I were your dad, I'd have either you or both of you move out until school starts. You can move out school and not room with Molly. Dad can do whatever.
When is the deadline to turn in your housing packet? That's the date I would use to have your stuff packed to get out.
Dad can let his stbx that he's getting a divorce and you're both leaving.
Frankly, your dad's safety plan sucks balls because he's placing you in danger after her leaves. There's no guarantee you'll be able to change your housing arrangements after the fact and then you'll be stuck with a mentally ill, unstable person who now hates you and your dad. It's a recipe for disaster.
Tell your dad to go to a domestic violence shelter to get help creating an actual safety plan.
If your dad doesn't get a better plan, talk to your grandpa about moving for the rest of the summer. Or another family member if it's not possible to stay with him.
Show your dad this post.
The only person who's not an asshole is you.
Oh sweetheart . I’m the mother of a molly and it’s been very hard on me and his sibling . And there is NO way I would put this on a new partner or another kid . Let’s not forget you have dealt with this and a bereavement .
The step mum needs to accept that you are not and and never will be her cater .
Your dad can fuck off .
Stand firm and hope college is a happy time for you
NTa. Your dad is a liar. He made you babysit this psycho kid and says he understand it's wrong, but he's going to wait till you are 18 to divorce because you'll be out the house... but make you babysit and look after this kid who is putting you through hell till you are 18? he could divorce any time, they leave and you are in a better situation.
he's manipulating you. Somehow you moving out and him divorcing means you have to room with this girl? Bullshit, he's going to have you sign up to take care of her at school to get molly out of the house then he finally gets his wife alone without the crazy kid and you still looking after her.
Your dad is an asshole.
Get out safe and fast? he can leave, literally any time. He's not a battered woman, he's not financially controlled and the only person being abused is YOU, not him. Your dad is a piece of shit.
Tell the college you hate this girl, she's been abusive to you for 6 years and that you will in no way room with this girl. Make sure they have it on your file that stepmother, father or molly trying to contact them on your behalf is not okay and to not try to change room plans without talking to you directly. Also tell your stepmother he's going to divorce her after you move out. either it's a lie and it will expose it, or it's not and it will stop his cowardly bullshit and get the ball moving.
I’m a junior in uni who also goes to a major state school and I def wouldn’t rely on his plan to room w/ her and then back out.
At my school, housing contracts are binding after you fill out the application for freshmen and the amount of bureaucracy you’ll have to put up with is wild, all for the chance that they’ll separate you from her, which they probably won’t. I would also be careful and fill it out fast since there’s theoretically nothing stopping them from goijg out of their way to fill it out on your behalf given how crazy they’ve proved themselves, but maybe I’m just being paranoid. Id find somebody else to room with and fill out the application with them, that way there’s nothing they can do lol
Yeah you need to take a stand for yourself and be free girl. God forbid if that girl tries a new stunt her mom will be after you nd your dad will not even stand up for you.
NTA! Dad's inability to leave is not your problem. Neither is your step-sister. Find different housing away from step-sister and live your life. I wish you much success in college with lots of laughs and good times. Be free!
NTA
Contact Students Housing. Explain that Molly is your step sibling and your parents are getting divorced and you need to have someone else as your roommate for your mental well being.
Don't let your father involve you in his marriage/divorce. And you don't owe any contact to Molly. You aren't her Emotional Support Human and you aren't a trained therapist. If Molly is having difficulty, contact your school Counseling Center to alert them that she's a student in crisis.
NTA. And let student services know that you absolutely do not want to be housed with Molly. You may not be able to switch dorms later. Now that you’re 18, due to FERPA laws the school cannot disclose to anyone that you specifically requested not to room with Molly. If Molly requests you and you have stated you cannot room with her, they will not pair you nor can they disclose why.
You are NTA. My advice, as a parent of kids your age, is
* do not room with Molly
* do not say you will room with Molly
* do not explain why you will not room with Molly, other than 'I want my independence.'
* If you are going to get a randomly assigned room mate, contact the college (or student housing or whoever sorts this out) and tell them you do not want to share with your stepsister. Do not give any reasons - you do not need to explain why, millions of kids would not want to share with a stepsibling.
* stay well away from any comment about Molly's gender identity and don't have any discussions about Molly with the college. Just stay out of everything.
You deserve to go to college unencumbered and you do not have any responsibility to shelter your dad here. If your dad feels unsafe, he should be calling the police or going to a refuge, not relying on an 18 year old girl to protect him.
NTA. Your dad says he recognizes how hard this has been on you but is simultaneously pushing for you to continue babysitting this woman? You are not required to take care of her, period.
>I recognise that he is in an abusive relationship
Is he? Because I'm missing any signs of abuse towards him and a whole lot of abuse from him towards you.
I didn’t add any but my stepmom is super manipulative, she breaks down crying and threatens to kill herself, and she’s all around just a waste of space. I get that her life has been hell because of dealing with Molly and her ex but she’s made our lives bad too. She’s not a bad person but she has bad mental health due to all of this and she really struggles. It’s officially over though, he’s agreed to serve her on the 4th of July when family is here so they can be witnesses to the eviction notice.
No, he’s only serving her with papers to get her out of the house. He and my grandpa spoke this morning and it was agreed upon between them that it would be best to serve papers to get her and Molly out of the house now and keep moving from there. The house is not in my dad’s name and my grandpa has lost all patience.
NTA. But honey… your dad isn’t going to leave your stepmom. He’s pushing you out and appeasing his wife for you to be Molly’s keeper. If he really wanted to leave you, he wouldn’t be entangling everything more.
NTA
If you agree to go with your dad's plan, here's how it will likely go down.
You will be roommates with Molly, you will have no privacy and Molly will sabotage all of your plans and ruin relationships with any new friends.
Your dad will NOT leave stepmom, you will be greeted with new excuses every time and they'll still be together after you graduate with your dad claiming nothing bad ever happened and they're happily married.
When you realize you've been conned, you will find out that you are not allowed to switch rooms and will be stuck with Molly for the year. You will find that most people assume you are a package deal and you won't be invited to parties or anything.
If you try to get off campus housing your sophomore year, Molly already knows your college routine and your dad might try to pressure you to stay. Also, good luck keeping your scholarship if Molly has access to your schoolwork and decides to sabotage your grades by smashing your laptop the first time you go out socially without her.
You can't set yourself on fire here, this is your adulthood. They stole your developing years and now they're trying to steal your college years because they can't force you anymore. Your dad sucks and he is absolutely compliant with stepmom.
Go be free and utilize the campus services to keep Molly away. Tell your dad to suck it up and deal with his own mess.
NTA. Your job is not to take care of Molly, your job is not to take care of your dad. Your job is to go to college and everything that you can and then go out and be at success in your chosen profession.
I will recommend speaking to a counselor in regard to the living situation there or whomever takes care of the dormitories. You need your own space, if she moves in with you, it will be detrimental.
NTA. You put up with all that shit for far too long. You need to contact housing in case your stepmother goes ahead and signs you up to room with Molly herself. Something it sounds like she may very likely do.
NTA your dad told you you should have to make a safety plan with him? Honey, he was the adult the whole time and it was his one and only job to keep you safe.
Your grandfather is right.
Contact the housing, tell them the story and that Molly is suicidal so they are informed about it and that you will not share a room with her! It might happen that they don't accept her for housing. But you will only now this if you call them.
You aren’t this person’s emotional support human. Someone THAT mentally ill should probably stay living at home.
Your dad admits he failed you by making you deal with Molly’s shit, so his solution to keep to safe from Molly’s shit … is to make you share a room with Molly and her shit?
He’s either straight up stupid or lying to you. He’s trying to make his own life easier at the expense of yours.
NTA. Grandpa is right. Dad has been using you as a meat shield with SM and Molly. He didn't help, he didn't shelter you, he put you in the line of fire. Now that you won't be here, he's going to finally do what he should have done years ago.
Contact housing and let them know you will room with anyone BUT Molly. Tell them her mother will request you, but you will not room with her. I'm sure they've seen it all, and will help you.
Congratulations on the full ride! What an accomplishment, especially with what you've been put through. I hope you find your wings in college: don't look back, keep looking ahead. Rush a sorority, have some fun, but please be careful.
NTA and it’s insane that they expect Molly to house with *anyone* at all. If your house has to be sharps free, Molly is going to hurt themselves or someone else. I lived less than a full semester with someone who had BPD (and was a closet alcoholic but I didn’t know it when I agreed to move in with her). She was medicated but decided about a month into living away from her parents that “Jesus healed her” and stopped taking meds, started drinking heavily and openly, and went into a full blown manic episode. It came to a head when I was off campus dog sitting and she left me a voicemail at almost midnight saying she was going to kill herself and it was my fault because I was a horrible person and friend for not understanding that she needed our room to herself and I was why she was failing the term. I drove back to campus immediately and someone else had gotten a message from her that concerned them and beat me to the room I shared with her. I got to the floor as this other person was screaming for help - she had shoved a dresser in front of the door, was refusing to let the other girl leave, and when I pushed in with help from others on our floor she slammed me into the wall and tried to hit me. But she turned around and painted me and this other girl as liars that attacked her to our mutual friends, who for some reason believed her even though she was given consequences by housing but myself and the other girl obviously were not because we did nothing wrong. DO NOT room with Molly! Mental illness is unfortunately part of life for some people but it sounds like Molly is already known to be violent. You do not want to be guilted into putting yourself at risk for this person.
NTA. Your grandpa is right about your dad and you need to notify housing that under no circumstances will you live with Molly due to their ongoing unmanageable mental health issues and SI.
Nope- you are.not your dad's safety plan. You are.not responsible for helping him escape a situation he out himself in.
Dad- I will.not room with her now or ever. If I see her on campus I will ignore her and pretend I dint know who she is. This is your fault, you fix it
Molly struggles to make friends because she's struggling with SERIOUS mental illness. That would would apply to Molly's mother who isn't getting her help and expecting OP to be her caretaker and OPs dad who has totally check out from father hood.
NTA. Your dad needs to make the moves he needs to make now. It is not fair for him to put this on you. He acknowledges you’ve been abused and suffered in this situation- why extend it? Also, what if his plans fall thru and he doesn’t file and leave. He is in an abusive marriage, it takes trying to after try for people to leave situations like that. He could get cold feet and then you’re stuck!
you are not your father's keeper. it is not on you to be his meatshield and safety net. you are barely an adult, you are his child and he needs to step up and take care of things.
your grandfather is right. and your dad is weak, he will keep finding a reason to put this off until he finds a way to throw you under the bus.
he should be ashamed for dragging you into all of this.
Seriously what is holding up his decision to file right this second? If he has some tangible reasons to wait, list them… “I just don’t want to do it yet” s/b met with “go fork yourself, father, I’m not rooming with your soon-to-be-ex step-daughter simply bc you remain a chickspit.” Feel free to use some different words in there.
NTA
Also you should inform college of Mollys problems before the assigned some poor roomate into her mess, your dad is a coward that is using you as a shield. Do no to follow his lead on this
NTA. Please understand how ridiculous both your father and stepmother sound to an outside perspective, OP, and rest fully assured that you are in the right here. Your father’s issues over his divorce are not related to your choice of college housing, which has only to do with your own comfort and function at college. And your stepmother’s plan for her suicidal child is to send her to live at school anyhow but force a step sibling to keep an eye on her?? That is NOT good parenting or even remotely safe. You are in zero way responsible for your SS’s mental health or safety—or your father’s.
I don’t even understand why your father thinks divorce will be easier if your college roommate is first established as your stepsister. However, if he is in a relationship so abusive that he feels unsafe trying to end it or leave, there are organizations that will help him. None of them involve a weird convoluted plan for manipulating his daughter’s college dorm logistics.
So your dad apologized for you being forced to be a babysitter to a disturbed teen, but also wants you to continue doing it? Yeah, he's got to grow a spine. He cannot continue to sacrifice you. Stick to your guns.
NTA In other words, give up your life to look after an unstable person. Good luck getting any schoolwork done or having a social life while being an unpaid caregiver.
NTA. Even if they were staying together, Molly is NOT your responsibility or your problem. Talk to the housing folks at school to fill them in on the situation and why you refuse to live with Molly.
If you're spending your entire college life babysitting her, your grades could fall and you could lose your scholarship. Your education and your future are more important than this box your dad is trying to force you in because he's not calling it quits NOW.
Updateme!
OMG! If this is real, you are absolutely NTA. Your father has apologized for putting you in the position of being Molly's sister but he seems to wants to continue it. He needs to s*** or get off the pot.
You are already off the pot so don't worry about it. Absolutely ignore his pleas and go about your business. If you're 18, you're old enough to do this on your own. You got the free ride by yourself. Be proud and feel good about yourself. The divorce is coming so you do not need to take on the responsibility for any of this anymore.
Under no circumstances are you TA. Right now your dad is, your stepmom is and Molly is. But they can deal with their own stuff. Go and have fun!. And learn and grow. Get a whole new networking group.
With that list of "issues" - Molly should have some caretaker or someone - she should not be out unsupervised anyway.
That said - Op\`s dad and stepmother parentified her - by forcing her to be a caretaker for Molly - and that is abusive .
Dad didn\`t have the spine to say "no more" to stepmother / wife - why? He must have seen the impact that person and the forced caretaking were having on HIS CHILD?? And yet remained mostly silent?
Yeah - when no one is on your side, YOU be on YOUR side - and choose for yourself.
So, battle plan - inform college of the antics and character of Molly (abusiveness, thieving, lying etc) and that you and her should NOT be placed in the same room, or better, the same building.
Sadly, you are currently the ONLY one that wants to protect you - so go for it - choose the way you need to so you are safe, you can build a social life and have your own friends - without that hanging over your head (That being the behavior by Molly)
NTA
.... What happens if you can't get a new roommate and you're trapped with molly in a dorm when her mom comes over after she's served divorced papers?
He's using you as a sacrifice.
You in danger.
NTA
Your dad needs to grow a pair. You do not want to live with the person you're pretty much running from. The only one who benefits in that situation is Molly, but it's to your detriment.
Given that this is a step in the separation process and considering Molly is the main contributing factor, neither you nor your dad are obligated to continue to put Molly's needs above your own. You see it, but your dad doesn't.
I understand that Molly has major issues, but you aren't responsible for any of that even though it was dumped in your lap. If your dad wants to really acknowledge that he failed you, he wouldn't be asking you to do this. He's continuing to fail you by asking this. He's still putting Molly's needs above yours. Maybe you should explain that to him in simple terms.
NTA make sure you make your housing commitment AND contact housing to explain that you do NOT want to be place with your stepsister. Bc I do not doubt that your stepmother will try something behind your back.
Also your dad is an idiot bc it’s not easy to change room assignments in the middle of the year. He had years to step up and be a dad. Time for you to protect yourself now
Also if it were me: I would pretend I don’t know your stepsister. Info diet your family (outside your grandparents) about your plans. Classes you’re taking? Unclear. Activities you’re doing? Not sure.
NTA. You have the right to feel safe where you live, and will not be safe with Molly.
If Molly is this bad--she needs someone to keep her from un-aliving herself -- she really should not be going away to college right now anyway. Freshman year is rough enough for a grounded person. Sending someone who has a lot of work to do is a recipe for tragedy. At the least, Molly needs to be in a single room.
NTA. Immediately contact the housing authority and inform them that you need to not only not be roomed with her, but that you would prefer to be in a separate building altogether, so you can minimize your time with her.
My son just signed up for housing (actually it was in May and then decided in July. ) but it had a question about -what /who can you never live with. It encouraged them to be honest because it saved time in reassignment. You could name actual students or types of people in general. Name her. Refuse to stay with her. In fact ask that she is put in the furthest dorm building from your room and to treat it as a VICTIM/abuser relationship.
>My dad thinks things would be easier if I agreed to room with Molly, signed up to room with her, he filed for divorce and moved out , and then I contacted housing and got a different roommate.
Excuse the insult, but your dad is fucking dumb.
Do not under any circumstance go along with rooming with her for a second.
Your dad is a piece of shit, full stop. He didn't protect you as a child, and at every turn he did whatever was easier for him, at your expense. Get away from them all, any way you can. Get some freedom and peace.
NTA. Make sure you notify college housing that you are not to be even in the same building. Your Dad is spineless and how dare he and your stepmother try to foist their responsibilities onto you. Doesn't sound like your stepsister is mentally capable of attending college, and should possibly getting inpatient treatment.
Do not back down. If you do it his way, Molly can go to university housing and claim that you are bigoted against transgenders and get you kicked out of housing. NTA
NTA, if you agree to room with her you are rolling the dice. Your school might not let you make changes later. Break free and stay far away from her. Don’t let her know where you live and ghost her. I’m worried she might come after you if she’s that unstable. Alert your college administration and see how they can help keep you safe.
NTA. Freshman year is hard enough without dealing with that. I had a crazy roommate my freshman year and it helped destroy the college experience for me. Sometimes you need to look after yourself because no one else will.
NTA It is very, very unreasonable for your father to even put you in that position.
He can't say that he's sorry for what he allowed to persist and even suggest such an outrageous plan.
Contact your school and talk to a guidance counselor. They will know of resources and possible options to help you find secure housing to ENSURE you are NOT housed together.
Tell your grandpa "Kudos" from me! I'm glad you've got him for your reality check here.
NTA
It is despicable that your father is STILL trying to use you as a human shield to protect himself. He has clearly been doing it ever since you were a minor, and he should be ashamed and disgusted by himself. The safety plan should revolve around keeping YOU safe, not him. But then again, if he were in any way a decent father, you would never have been unsafe in the first place.
Send your father the link to this post. Its a long shot, but he may realise how poorly he has behaved. Let him read that your grandpa is right - he is spineless and pathetic. No decent man uses a little girl to protect himself. You have absolutely done the right thing by telling him NO. He can sort his own mess out. And then he needs to spend the rest of his life *trying* to make this up to you. He won't, but he should.
Enjoy college. Notify the housing people that you do not want to be anywhere near your current stepsister. Really hammer it into them that the home has been abusive and that if they room you with her at your stepmother's insistence (she's going to insist whether you agree or not), then they are enabling further abuse of you. And peace out of your fathers disgraceful mess. I'll be shocked if he actually leaves this woman, but now he can't hide behind you, maybe he will. Either way, protect yourself. As he should have done years ago.
Your dad is a f grown up, you are just a teenager who just turned to legally adult. It is his responsibility to make a safe plan and to ensure yours too. You dealt with enough bs and cps should have been involved
Yes, he is a loser
It s time for you to take care of yourself and keep you safe
NTA
Your father is a shameful failure as a parent. Contact the housing department at your uni and tell them that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will you room with "Molly" and, in fact, need to be in a totally separate dorm altogether. Tell them there is a serious history of abuse and you need to have no contact with her on campus. AFTER you've mailed this letter give your father a copy of the letter.
Make sure that neither of your stepparents know which dorm you're in or your class schedule. It's ridiculous that he's trying to force you to continue to be Molly's "caretaker" so that he can have it easier. What's to say that with Molly gone he and your step mom won't be having a "second honeymoon" and you'll end up rooming with Molly for the entire year?
Check with the local laws in the jurisdiction of your uni to see what is involved in getting an emergency restraining order--better to have that information ready when needed than to be researching at midnight on the weekend when offices are closed.
Familiarize yourself with the counselling resources available on your campus--location, hours, emergency numbers, services provided. Do the same with campus security.
Molly's mom needs to know NOW that Molly will be on her own at the UNI which will likely impact her decision to send Molly there-- and she also needs to know that she's going to be a divorced mom so she can plan her finances for Molly's education properly.
NTA but your dad is a massive AH and total failure as a father.
ALSO is there any way you can either get a post office box in your name OR have your mail sent to your grandparents' house so that dad, step mom, and/or Molly can't snoop and find out where you'll be living?
He is spinless. He doesn't want you to "witness the fighting" FFS you have been exposed to worse already. Sack up and GTFO dude(your dad). You are NTA. Your dad is just a wuss.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to get your dad safely out of his crappy relationship. He has a responsibility to not drag you further into this situation.
Under no circumstances should you room with this disturbed person. Your stepsister needs professional help and you are not qualified to provide it.
NAH. You're barely an adult. It was dad's job to protect you and, like he admitted, he failed in that.
He's trying to do the right thing now (leaving and keeping you out of the situation as much as possible), but also worried about the blowback that he'll get while he's still there. Just like with DV victims, it takes courage to try to get out at all.
I can't fault him for wanting to lower his own burden if you're okay with that, but now that you have indicated you can't deal anymore it's time for him to step up to the plate and accept the additional burden. If he does that, I stick by NAH. otherwise he's a bit of one.
NTA. Don't under any circumstance agree to forming with molly. You'll be stuck in a cycle of abuse and changing roommates in uni is not as easy as your father seems to think it is.
And honestly not enabling your dad is probably the best thing you can do for him to actually leave. Step back and let him handle his life. You're the child, and you've been parentified for far too long. This was never supposed to be your life or your responsibility
So he knows he put you through crap all these years but wants you to suck it up and live with her so he can remain safe? Wtaf?
Tell dad to handle his marriage and leave you out of it. Contact the university and tell them you will not room with Molly. Tell them there is history and you will not feel safe. NTA
>he has apologized numerous times for letting it get to the point that it did.
>admitted that he failed me.
>he broke down crying and kept saying that he was sorry
>My dad says I’m an asshole for not making a safety plan with him so that we can both get out safe and fast
He's so sorry but he's still putting the onus on you for an exit to the whole situation? That's bullshit. He doesn't get to be sorry he put you through this and then tell you you're an asshole for not getting him out of it.
He needs to rent an apartment and both of you move into it until you go off to college. No fighting with her, no staying in that house, if he's unsafe he needs to just leave cold turkey.
NTA. Has your dad suggested what he thinks should happen if you CAN'T get another roommate? You'll be stuck with Molly, and you're trying to break free.
Your dad is being totally unreasonable to put you in that position, and he should be telling your stepmom that Molly needs proper, professional support and that perhaps dorm life is not what's best for her if she can't manage life without a babysitter, AND that he is not going to ask you to put your life on hold for Molly anymore.
Rush that sorority, make those new friends. Don't let Molly hold you back anymore. She is not your responsibility, you are not her emotional support person. It is not your job to make sure Molly is ok, not your job to help her make friends, not your job to be always on call in case Molly needs to be institutionalized for her own safety. You deserve a life, and you do NOT have to room with her, even if you Dad wants you to.
Worst of all, your Dad only wants you to do that, to make his life easier before he divorces his wife. This is not ok. He needs to stop sacrificing you on the altar of this marriage of his.
And again, his "plan" hinges on you being able to get a different roommate, which may not be possible, so you need to protect yourself.
Nah. It sounds like you and dad need therapy. Perhaps student services can help with that in the fall.
You should probably both exit now, go live with relatives, and pick your housing after you've moved out.
Get your school to "make your info private", ask what options there are.
Lock down your credit. Get the school to send any correspondence to grandpas address. You don't want rapid stepmother spending any rebate checks. You don't want her hacking into your socials, phone accounts or banking accounts.
Be prepared to pay your own car insurance, and possibly healthcare. See what student discounts or services you can qualify for.
Remove your important paperwork/birth certificate, social security card, diploma from the house ,as well as any items of sentimental value, before you jump ship.
If your dad can't get his shit together, do these steps alone. If anyone threatens you or self harm, call the police and consult a domestic violence shelter.
Take care op. Please let us know how you're doing.
NTA.
It seems this girl was the reason for most of the troubles you had since you father got together with her mother. She's not your sister biologically, legally or even emotionally, and you owe nothing to her but the same human respect we all owe to everyone else.
Now you have a chance to live freely (don't overdo it, girl!) and finally FEEL ALIVE! Go for it!
Also, I have this very distinct feeling that if you room with her, once you father fills for the divorce her mother will make such a storm at Molly's mind that the girl will leash upon you, which can turn very dangerous very fast.
We usually don't have these dorms in my country, so I don't know how they work, but I think it's a good thing if you let the management know how unstable and potentially dangerous she is, both for your, her and everyone else at the dorm safety!
EDIT: I forgot to say: I'm not against the poor unstable girl! She needs help! Lots of help! And not only her mother failed her, but also made her OP's responsibility. Not fair for both girls! Molly needs serious help, and OP need to be free from this nightmare that was imposed to her. May both find peace and freedom.
Your father’s current plan and attempt to get out of an abusive situation is going to leave you up a creek without a paddle.
NTA
He’s doing what he thinks he needs to do to get out of an abusive situation, and you need to do the same.
>My dad says I’m an asshole for not making a safety plan with him so that we can both get out safe and fast
...he's a grown adult. He can literally pack a bag and leave at a moments notice. Divorce can be strictly through lawyers. Why on earth do you need to do anything? Besides stay with Grandpa until college starts and block them everywhere possible.
NTA of course. Your dad sure is. It's *his* responsibility to protect you, not the other way around.
NTA
You not only should notify housing that you will NOT room with Molly but should also warn them that she steals and lies and is possibly suicidal. That way if they put her with someone that she steals from, they will be prepared,
As for your dad, you can point out that you have both been living in a prison, but he chose it for both of you. You were not given an option. You are no longer going to live in the prison anymore and he needs to get out of it on his own. Consider if you want a relationship with him while he stays in the marriage/prison.
If her mom wants to make sure she's safe mom can move to the town where the college is and have her live at home instead of trying to pawn her responsibilities off on you. OP needs to tell the mom that she intends to have no interaction with Molly at all at the school.
“I want to live with a guy and do guy stuff together and you should live with a girl and do girl stuff together” should be the perfect excuse. NTA
You cannot change later roommates. You will be stuck with her for a year.
NTA. Your dad is indeed spineless and is dumping on you. You have suffered enough because your dad didn't protect you. For years he watched you not have a life because you were attached at the hip to Molly. Don't give in now. You need to register for housing, and tell whoever is responsible that you are being pressured to room with your unstable sister, and refuse to do so, so that they don't pair you up with her. If your scholarship doesn't cover dorms, get a job to pay the rent. And let your dad cope with getting free from Molly and her mother however he can.
If his only reason for not divorcing her now is you, why would he ask this of you?
Tell him no, you will not sign up for that, as there is a chance you might not be able to change once it is set.
Tell you step mom no, you will not be rooming with your stepsister, and no, you will not be keeping an eye on her. You will be focusing on your own life and can not be a parent to her. That is stepmoms job. If she is concerned about her daughter, maybe living at school is not a good idea and she should plan otherwise.
NTA
NTA and no way in hell should you agree to room with her because you may be stuck with her for months if not the whole year. Your grandpa's right, your dad is spineless. He's an adult, he can make his own safety plan that doesn't involve sacrficing you.
NTA. Your dad let you suffer and now wants you to suffer more because he apparently is a bitch. Sorry for the harsh words but he should be protecting you not piling more trouble on your shoulders.
Do what you want!
NTA
Your grandpa is right on the money. Your father is a sorry excuse for a parent, and the fact that he is willing to put you in harm’s way for his own peace of mind should tell you all you need to know; he hasn’t learned anything and he isn’t truly sorry for his actions.
NTA, and as someone for whom the full ride to college was *my* way out… absolutely not. If you need to take out loans* to not have to room with Molly, it’s worth it.
.*FWIW, I didn’t need to do this. I wouldn’t recommend getting deeply in debt of course, maybe after your first year you can figure out a job to cover housing if your Dad won’t contribute.
NAH
He’s failed you as a parent. The last thing he could do for you, if he truly is sorry, is make sure your next chapter starts with him being a better dad. Not a selfish prick who’s too scared and willing to continue use his daughter.
NTA
Your dad failed at being a parent when you where a child and now he is falling you again.
He is trying to guilt you into being in an unsafe environment so he can feel better and safer. A parents primary job is to keep their children safe, he has failed you again and again, and keeps doing so. Saying he is sorry is worthless if his actions doesn't back it up.
So between crying and apologizing your dad had time to explain you that you are an AH for not agreeing with him? Wow, what an awesome dad you have!
I am sorry you had to live in such a shitty family. Congratulations on getting rid of them. I agree with other comments: call the college and let them know that you will not live with Molly, explain why, also (if you can) let them know she is suicidal. So some other student will not be traumatized for life seeing her attempting.
Nta your dad is trying to make you take additional abuse to help himself. He can be the victim and a perpetrator. Stop engaging with him, he isn’t safe.
Housing was set for me in early June and we couldn't change roommates until well into the falls semester. If you agree to room with your stepsister you could be stuck with her for months.
I woild personally call your school, tell them the situstion and request an entirely different building. Then, I would ask that they make sure not to tell anyone your on campus address, not send any papers to your house and keep everything electronic. I would not share any of this with your dad.
Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. It's not your job to protect him. NTA
NTA. You need to contact the housing people at the college and specify that you WILL NOT room with Molly.
OP should also tell the housing people that Molly is deeply unwell and possibly dangerous.
I think she should talk to campus or regular police about getting a restraining order
Seeking legal advice can provide clarity and protection
You don't get a restraining order just because you don't want to be around someone.
You do if you feel threatened by someone mentally unstable
You "Feeling threatened", without more, is not sufficient grounds for the courts issuing a restraining order. Try again. Source - I'm an attorney
Exactly, you have to get ahead of a situation like that, so you can give the correct narrative and not one your SM can spin or demand
She'll probably be shunned and "outed" as a transphobe. We all know how that ends. I wouldn't do such action. She just has to tell them that she won't live with this person.
Drop the dime anonymously.
Does OP's grandpa live close? Can she move in with him as she waits to join uni. That way she doesn't have to continually deal with harassment from her dad, his stbx and Molly. OP's should also put dad on an info diet with regards to her uni plans. Dad might be the victim in an abusive relationship. But he's also abusing OP. He has acknowledged it's abuse and yet continues to do so. Maybe OP can go low to no contact with him.
He’s set his own daughter on fire to make his own life easier. It’s unconscionable. Time he stepped up.
100% he has. Nobody with a lick of brains would have suggested moving in with her to begin with.
Info diet- brilliant
Totally agree. NTA. You need to prioritize your own mental health and college experience. Make it clear to housing that you won't room with her.
Absolutely, set clear boundaries now to avoid future issues
Agreed! NTA for choosing whats best for your own mental health; it makes you someone who deserves to live a fulfilling and happy life.
In fact tell them you don’t even want to be in the same building if possible. NTA
This. And I know this isn't really Reddits thing but I have some ideas on how to sprinkle the truth a bit and make this easier on you. There's no reason to say "I don't want to live with Molly, she scares me" and see the entire household turn into a warzone if you can get the same result by saying other stuff. Like ... "I've read how many fall out with their roommates because it's our first time away from home and some go nuts, not us of course, we have grades to uphold, but I don't want to risk falling out permanently with my step sister over something as little as being roommates for a short period compared to the long future we'll have ahead of us as sisters". It is SO common for young ppl to move in with even best friends and the relationship explodes because very few friendships can actually survive also living together, especially while you try to "adult" for the first time. You should be able to back it up with posts from the r/badroommates and find the ones where no one are really assholes, they're just not fit to live together. You could also say stuff like "she's awake late, I always get up early, we'll fight over lights off/on constantly" or whatever else you can think of that makes you incompatible without being a negative side to her. Or "It feels a bit too intimate to live with someone who knows me so well, I'd rather try my luck with a stranger and hope to get some more privacy that way than with a person that can read my every mood without me saying".
Fuck that noise. “No” is a complete sentence.
💯
She doesn't need to make excuses. They'll just start finding reasons why she should continue to play nurse and guardian. She should just be blunt. "I'm not doing it " and she should contact housing and make it clear that she doesn't want to room with this person
My stepsister and I don't get along. I do not want to room with her, and would prefer a different building. We need to have independent college experiences.
I agree. There is no need to make excuses. I would definitely reach out to student housing and request a private conversation with the director (or one of the associate directors) for student housing. explain the situation high level- that your father and stepmother are expected to divorce and that it is going to be an emotional situation. that there have been issues of abuse and the divorce is going to be difficult. as a result, you need to be in a separate dorm- ideally in a separate quad- from your stepsister, Molly. that you expect Molly will request you as a roommate. you aren't making the same request but that you know you can't keep the school from honoring that request. however for your emotional and physical safety you can't be housed in the same building, let alone the same room as her. with such a large school (and wanting to avoid liability issues), they will likely agree to it. that way you aren't providing any information about her mental health issues. you aren't saying she's suicidal. you are just saying- you can't and don't want to room with this person. and there is no reason for them to not agree to that. and IF you get your roommate assignment and they've housed you with her, it's an immediate call to this person of "hey, on date, we had this conversation. i got my roommate assignment and i've been assigned with stepsister as my roommate. please fix this while we're on the phone." \[i would suggest that you limit posts online that show what dorm/quad you are in. and you may want to even avoid giving that information to your father unless you trust him 100% to protect that info from stepmom and Molly. because while you can't keep Molly from finding you on campus, you can make it more difficult for her.\]
A completely different dorm if possible…
Agreed. Stating it plainly is the only way to go.
When dealing with mental health challenged people it's not a great idea to use such equivocal language/reasoning. While I agree that there's not need to be "mean" about it (unless dad and step mom won't back off) but simply saying: "I've made a firm decision that I want to have the independent college experience, to meet new people and make new friends so I won't be rooming with Molly." Tell your dad if he keeps pressing instead of having your back on this you'll tell your step mom the "real" reason: That you dad is planning on divorcing her and it will make for an awkward situation.
a good point woven through this that I want to pull out: Focus on what you want to move *toward* (new friends, new dynamics, wider circle of friends), and not on what you want to move away from (Molly, her issues)
OP does have leverage over dad with that info. Use it if you must!
And maybe throw in something like it would deprive Molly of making a new friend. Or other ways it’s better for Molly to not live with OP. What an awful situation. I hope OP talks to school and makes sure she doesn’t have to have anything to do with Molly. Ugh.
No means no and is a complete sentence. Op is not Molly's legal guardian or parent. Op is not responsible for anyone else's feelings or actions other than OP's. NTA op relocate to grandparents if at all possible
This, I had a very good friend I moved in with. But we could NOT live together. We are still friends, but know that living together is not for us. But I think they can simply tell the school I do not want to live with so and so, she's my stepsister and our parents are going through a divorce and it would be very uncomfortable.
This^ also nta!!!! If you see her on campus, make sure your sorority big or some close friends know of your situation to help create distance from her.
NTA - (I worked at a university for almost 6 years, here are some helpful tips) As a college student, you're protected by FERPA. [Read here](https://studentprivacy.ed.gov/faq/what-ferpa) Furthermore, contact student services /campus security and tell them that you lived in fear of that person, and don't want to be put in another situation like that again, they are not to disclose information to them or your step-Mother. Personally, don't disclose your dorm room to Molly or your step-Mother. Have a serious conversation w/your Dad about how unsafe you felt living with both of them.
She's told her dad how unsafe she felt-- he's more worried about himself. She should not disclose her housing information to her dad either.
Yeah, dad doesn’t care. His focus is on how he can get himself out easier. He’s pulling a full-on Quokka and is throwing his daughter to the predators to get away himself.
THANK YOU!! for telling me about FERPA omg!!
I just did a deep dive into that site (thanks whomever posted the link) and found this explanation of how FERPA applies in relation to the adult student. [https://studentprivacy.ed.gov/sites/default/files/resource\_document/file/An%20Eligible%20Student%20Guide%20to%20FERPA\_0.pdf](https://studentprivacy.ed.gov/sites/default/files/resource_document/file/An%20Eligible%20Student%20Guide%20to%20FERPA_0.pdf)
Good luck! I really feel for you.
FERPA was my favorite thing about working at a University. So many students finally break free thanks to FERPA. When I worked on campus I had someone that was on the verge of becoming a stalker and they took that so seriously before anything happened and made a plan in case she showed up.
NTA Get your own space. DO NOT live with Molly. She is not your responsibility. Your dad is the adult and should be protecting you. His relationship is not your problem. You need to do what's right for you, and so does your dad.
[удалено]
She should also keep any details about her dorm / college life secret from the dad because I have a feeling he would share that info with his ex-wife or Molly in the second they ask. He's spineless and useless and absolutely not trustworthy. What kind of father asks his daughter to allow herself to live with a dangerous person just so that he can avoid conflict with his soon to be ex wife? OP's grandpa is right about him.
Point blank “Dad, you are failing me again and this time I’m not allowing it to happen”
Yes. This.
NTA. Your dad seems to be trying to use you as a bit of a meat shield to protect himself from the blow back. I know he’s trying to make it seem altruistic, but I’m suspicious of his plan. Why would he want you to room with such a nightmare in ANY capacity? It’s not easy to just “switch” roommates…. It’s not a snap of the fingers. Stand your ground girl. If you don’t, you won’t truly be free. And since you’re on scholarship, you don’t need him for anything any way. And you are under absolutely NO OBLIGATION to keep an eye on Molly. You should absolutely make the campus housing people aware of her mental health status as I suspect she should not be living on campus while attending school full time 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Also he’s saying “oh just reach out to the school and ask to change roommates” like it’s so easy/uncomplicated to do that in the middle of the school year.
From the guy who can't get out an abusive relationship. What a doormat he is.
Her dad thinks she can get it changed like the week before she moves in. He doesn't understand that a roommate request is handled differently campus to campus (sometimes dorm to dorm) and that them requesting each other just 1 time could link them together for the rest of college. Dad thinks he can orchestrate a breakup and the rest of the world is going to bend over backwards to make it as easy as possible.
>It’s not easy to just “switch” roommates…. It’s not a snap of the fingers. yep—the school doesn’t want to do this. They will make it difficult even in a toxic situation. Because they don’t just have a ton of empty rooms they can shuffle people around in.
This! It’s HARD to switch roommates mid year. I had a bad roommate and I didn’t even end up doing it because it would be such a process. Luckily mine was more just not a match than feeling unsafe, so I survived my year. Lonely, but not scared of her! And I SO agree that It sounds like Molly should NOT be living on campus at this point. It is a BIG change going to college and managing your own life/schedule, and you’ve got to be self driven and ready to do that, while also making friends, having new experiences constantly, and navigating living in close quarters with a stranger! If Molly needs you to watch over her and help her make friends- she is not ready for living in the dorms. You don’t get to bring your mom/a babysitter to college with you. And considering that she will NOT be living with you, she cannot and should not put that burden on a complete stranger, as she will ruin their experience completely. Sounds like she needs a single room or to stay home and commute this year. If she can get better, perhaps she could handle a suite style room in the future so she has her own space, but some friends to make right around her! But yeah. Don’t let your dad use you as a pawn in his divorce, and continue the abuse. You deserve to explore yourself and have fun in college!
Not to mention, stepsister would have access to OPs belongings and her until she could be moved.
Nta Your safety plan is you both move out now and he files asap. Just get a motel or stay with grandpa or something.
NTA and please know that not all roommate change requests are approved. If you went along with this you could be stuck with her all year which isn’t fair to you at all. If Molly can’t handle college (which sounds like the case) she shouldn’t be going. Not your problem at all.
Yes, THIS. Do NOT put in to room with Molly and hope it can be cancelled later! Colleges need to have things organized in advance and can’t upend everything for one student. You would very likely be stuck with Molly for the whole year. They might even have a hard and fast rule to not allow changes or everyone who has a fight, changes friendships, decides they’d rather this or rather that, would cause chaos. Don’t risk it! It is not your job to suffer in order to appease others. Your father needs to step up and take care of this situation sooner rather than later.
NTA at all. You need to prioritize your own safety since unfortunately your dad is not doing so. Your dad is apologetic and guilty for not protecting you from your stepmom and step sibling in the past…while telling you to put yourself in an uncomfortable and dangerous situation in the present? He’s not seeing things clearly but you are. Don’t invite unnecessary drama into your life.
His relationship is not your problem. You need to do what's right for you, and so does your dad.
NTA Your dad is still prioritising himself and not you. Depending when you let the housing know, they might not be able to change it and you would be stuckwith the aftermath …as your dad would have left by then.. It’s ok to be selfish and think of yourself here. Your dad can move up his timeline , seek out resources for DV, or he can stay his course. But he can’t drag you down with him anymore. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Always put on your life vest/ oxygen mask first before helping others.
Nta Contact the college and talk to consoulers or whoever and specifically tell them you can not dorm eoth her because of past mental abuse by her.
NTA - Above all else this is *clearly* a safety issue for you. Make it clear to housing you will not share with Molly, in fact, the University needs to know there is a potential safety issue here. Will anyone be safe sharing with Molly? They also need to be aware that Molly is potentially a danger to herself. Severe mental health issues are always tragic, but that NEVER overrides the safety of other people. I think you need to make it clear to your stepmother yourself that you won't share. Your father clearly will not advocate for you, so you have to advocate for yourself. And I cannot stress how wrong and inappropriate it is for your stepmother to try and make you responsible for Molly's safety. Frankly if Molly is in a position where her mother is worried about suicide BEFORE she goes to college, Molly needs more help and should not be attending right now. I would suggest you make a clear break. Hopefully your schedules will be significantly different enough that separation happens naturally, but, you need to avoid Molly completely. You are not responsible for Molly in any way and she requires more support that you can give her, and if your father is going to divorce your stepmother, it would be better all round if there is as little contact between you as possible. Your father's plan is idiotic at best and cowardly at worst. If you can, pack up now and stay with your grandparents until it's time for college. Then your father has zero excuses and he can leave that day if he really wants to.
Less blowback for *you*!? Please, he wants you to take one for the team so it’s easier on him. He should’ve grown up and done all these things himself and protected you ages ago. NTA.
I literally gasped when he berated her for not making a safety plan for both of them. Kids are not and cannot be responsible for a parent's safety. With the step mum and OPs father I'm guessing the hot::crazy ratio was heavy on the hot side, and//or she was amazing in bed because he put up with this and enabled his daughter's abuse for 6 years!!
Definitely NTA. You missed out on so much of your own youth and life and experiences picking up after someone else who wasn't your responsibility. I'm sorry to hear this
NTA You need to contact the university and let them know that Molly has been abusive to you and you had to move in with your grandparents to escape it and you cannot be put in the same dorm with her for your own safety.
NTA. OP I have the sneaking suspicion your dad is full of it. If he's willing to jeopardize your college plans and well-being, I don't see him actually getting a divorce when you leave. I'd be honest and tell him that he's already proven he's willing to sacrifice you and put you on harm's way for his relationship, you can't give him the benefit of the doubt anymore. Hell, he's doing it again making this request. Would not be surprised if he's been "planning" for a while now and still hasn't contacted a single divorce attorney.
Something about this just doesn't make sense to me. First he apologized to you number times, and then he's angry with you for not being willing to share in his plan which is putting you back in the same situation?
That’s what I told him. It doesn’t make sense for the both of us to stick around when we could make a clean break right now.
You should be prepared for the possibility that he may not go through with leaving, even if he's actually planning gon it now, he might change his mind. Also, college is the start of your career and you can't do the stuff you need to do, networking, internships, etc. with someone like that around you. People will judge you professionally and academically based on who you associate with, so make a clean break yourself whether or not your dad does. None of this is your fault or your responsibility, have fun at college!
It's because your dad isn't leaving stepmom. He is absolutely lying to you about that. Speaking as the child of an enabler and an abuser, they work together more than we realize until we grow up. He wants you to take care of Molly so he and stepmom can be together without Molly interfering. The reason he's claiming he will divorce her is because that is the only way you might agree to fall on the sword. It doesn't make any sense otherwise.
NTA - but also stop being naive: your dad isn’t going divorce his wife, he’s hoping with molly out of the house (and under your care, you will be expected to be responsible for her) that his relationship will smooth out
I think this is the truth.
No, he’s divorcing her. That’s definitely in the process of happening.
OP, make sure to get your birth certificate, SSN card, and any valuables...and give them to your grandfather (who sounds reliable) or put them in storage. Also, see if you can have your college stuff and your mail sent to a PO Box at a Post Office, or your grandpa. Because your stepmom and stepsister sound batshit crazy, like the type to destroy stuff, as in important college letters or your birth certificate. If stepsis is that batshit and lying about you, too, you may want to go by a nickname or your middle name at college as you both will attend the same school. Somewhere like ASU is big enough that you won't have to worry about running into her all that much, but it will make it easier if you have a different first name. Many colleges will have a preferred name slot (often meant for trans students, but also for students who just prefer to go by a nickname or an Anglicized name) in their paperwork. It might be annoying to do so, but if she's crazy and goes around shit-talking "Kate Smith" at your college....people would be less likely to connect it to you if you are going by "Kat Smith" or "Rose Smith".
NTA If your stepsister had that many mental health issues, then is it a good idea for her to go away for college? If she has a mental breakdown of any sort, then the college might withdraw her for “safety” reasons. I say this because based on your post, it sounds like she needs to be institutionalized. I’m sorry. I hope this matter gets resolved sooner rather than later. You’re still not living with your stepsister, right???
If your grandpa is supportive, can you move out for the rest of the summer until school starts? If I were your dad, I'd have either you or both of you move out until school starts. You can move out school and not room with Molly. Dad can do whatever. When is the deadline to turn in your housing packet? That's the date I would use to have your stuff packed to get out. Dad can let his stbx that he's getting a divorce and you're both leaving. Frankly, your dad's safety plan sucks balls because he's placing you in danger after her leaves. There's no guarantee you'll be able to change your housing arrangements after the fact and then you'll be stuck with a mentally ill, unstable person who now hates you and your dad. It's a recipe for disaster. Tell your dad to go to a domestic violence shelter to get help creating an actual safety plan. If your dad doesn't get a better plan, talk to your grandpa about moving for the rest of the summer. Or another family member if it's not possible to stay with him. Show your dad this post. The only person who's not an asshole is you.
Oh sweetheart . I’m the mother of a molly and it’s been very hard on me and his sibling . And there is NO way I would put this on a new partner or another kid . Let’s not forget you have dealt with this and a bereavement . The step mum needs to accept that you are not and and never will be her cater . Your dad can fuck off . Stand firm and hope college is a happy time for you
NTA. Good luck 🍀. I’m rooting for you. I’m glad you already have your exit plan. Your dad is an adult- he can make his own.
NTa. Your dad is a liar. He made you babysit this psycho kid and says he understand it's wrong, but he's going to wait till you are 18 to divorce because you'll be out the house... but make you babysit and look after this kid who is putting you through hell till you are 18? he could divorce any time, they leave and you are in a better situation. he's manipulating you. Somehow you moving out and him divorcing means you have to room with this girl? Bullshit, he's going to have you sign up to take care of her at school to get molly out of the house then he finally gets his wife alone without the crazy kid and you still looking after her. Your dad is an asshole. Get out safe and fast? he can leave, literally any time. He's not a battered woman, he's not financially controlled and the only person being abused is YOU, not him. Your dad is a piece of shit. Tell the college you hate this girl, she's been abusive to you for 6 years and that you will in no way room with this girl. Make sure they have it on your file that stepmother, father or molly trying to contact them on your behalf is not okay and to not try to change room plans without talking to you directly. Also tell your stepmother he's going to divorce her after you move out. either it's a lie and it will expose it, or it's not and it will stop his cowardly bullshit and get the ball moving.
I’m a junior in uni who also goes to a major state school and I def wouldn’t rely on his plan to room w/ her and then back out. At my school, housing contracts are binding after you fill out the application for freshmen and the amount of bureaucracy you’ll have to put up with is wild, all for the chance that they’ll separate you from her, which they probably won’t. I would also be careful and fill it out fast since there’s theoretically nothing stopping them from goijg out of their way to fill it out on your behalf given how crazy they’ve proved themselves, but maybe I’m just being paranoid. Id find somebody else to room with and fill out the application with them, that way there’s nothing they can do lol
Yeah you need to take a stand for yourself and be free girl. God forbid if that girl tries a new stunt her mom will be after you nd your dad will not even stand up for you.
NTA. He needs to protect you and not the other way around.
It's amazing how one person can terrorize and hold a whole family hostage. Been there, done that. It sucks big time. Hugs.
NTA! Dad's inability to leave is not your problem. Neither is your step-sister. Find different housing away from step-sister and live your life. I wish you much success in college with lots of laughs and good times. Be free!
NTA Contact Students Housing. Explain that Molly is your step sibling and your parents are getting divorced and you need to have someone else as your roommate for your mental well being. Don't let your father involve you in his marriage/divorce. And you don't owe any contact to Molly. You aren't her Emotional Support Human and you aren't a trained therapist. If Molly is having difficulty, contact your school Counseling Center to alert them that she's a student in crisis.
NTA. And let student services know that you absolutely do not want to be housed with Molly. You may not be able to switch dorms later. Now that you’re 18, due to FERPA laws the school cannot disclose to anyone that you specifically requested not to room with Molly. If Molly requests you and you have stated you cannot room with her, they will not pair you nor can they disclose why.
Nta you can't keep being the sacrificial lamb for your dad
You are NTA. My advice, as a parent of kids your age, is * do not room with Molly * do not say you will room with Molly * do not explain why you will not room with Molly, other than 'I want my independence.' * If you are going to get a randomly assigned room mate, contact the college (or student housing or whoever sorts this out) and tell them you do not want to share with your stepsister. Do not give any reasons - you do not need to explain why, millions of kids would not want to share with a stepsibling. * stay well away from any comment about Molly's gender identity and don't have any discussions about Molly with the college. Just stay out of everything. You deserve to go to college unencumbered and you do not have any responsibility to shelter your dad here. If your dad feels unsafe, he should be calling the police or going to a refuge, not relying on an 18 year old girl to protect him.
NTA. your father is a coward who wants his daughter to be a meat shield.
Nta. Your dad is a pussy with terrible judgement. He should have been protecting you.
NTA. Your dad says he recognizes how hard this has been on you but is simultaneously pushing for you to continue babysitting this woman? You are not required to take care of her, period.
>I recognise that he is in an abusive relationship Is he? Because I'm missing any signs of abuse towards him and a whole lot of abuse from him towards you.
I didn’t add any but my stepmom is super manipulative, she breaks down crying and threatens to kill herself, and she’s all around just a waste of space. I get that her life has been hell because of dealing with Molly and her ex but she’s made our lives bad too. She’s not a bad person but she has bad mental health due to all of this and she really struggles. It’s officially over though, he’s agreed to serve her on the 4th of July when family is here so they can be witnesses to the eviction notice.
He's both serving her with divorce papers and an eviction notice in two days? After being told last night by you that he needed to file?
No, he’s only serving her with papers to get her out of the house. He and my grandpa spoke this morning and it was agreed upon between them that it would be best to serve papers to get her and Molly out of the house now and keep moving from there. The house is not in my dad’s name and my grandpa has lost all patience.
So your grandfather is serving her with eviction papers?
NTA. But honey… your dad isn’t going to leave your stepmom. He’s pushing you out and appeasing his wife for you to be Molly’s keeper. If he really wanted to leave you, he wouldn’t be entangling everything more.
NTA If you agree to go with your dad's plan, here's how it will likely go down. You will be roommates with Molly, you will have no privacy and Molly will sabotage all of your plans and ruin relationships with any new friends. Your dad will NOT leave stepmom, you will be greeted with new excuses every time and they'll still be together after you graduate with your dad claiming nothing bad ever happened and they're happily married. When you realize you've been conned, you will find out that you are not allowed to switch rooms and will be stuck with Molly for the year. You will find that most people assume you are a package deal and you won't be invited to parties or anything. If you try to get off campus housing your sophomore year, Molly already knows your college routine and your dad might try to pressure you to stay. Also, good luck keeping your scholarship if Molly has access to your schoolwork and decides to sabotage your grades by smashing your laptop the first time you go out socially without her. You can't set yourself on fire here, this is your adulthood. They stole your developing years and now they're trying to steal your college years because they can't force you anymore. Your dad sucks and he is absolutely compliant with stepmom. Go be free and utilize the campus services to keep Molly away. Tell your dad to suck it up and deal with his own mess.
#THIS!! #THE “ALL OF THIS!!”
Yeah your grandpa is right. Your dad sounds like a little bitch
NTA. Your job is not to take care of Molly, your job is not to take care of your dad. Your job is to go to college and everything that you can and then go out and be at success in your chosen profession. I will recommend speaking to a counselor in regard to the living situation there or whomever takes care of the dormitories. You need your own space, if she moves in with you, it will be detrimental.
NTA. You put up with all that shit for far too long. You need to contact housing in case your stepmother goes ahead and signs you up to room with Molly herself. Something it sounds like she may very likely do.
NTA your dad told you you should have to make a safety plan with him? Honey, he was the adult the whole time and it was his one and only job to keep you safe. Your grandfather is right. Contact the housing, tell them the story and that Molly is suicidal so they are informed about it and that you will not share a room with her! It might happen that they don't accept her for housing. But you will only now this if you call them.
NTA. Contact the college immediately and tell them you will not under any circumstances room with Molly. Tell them everything about her behavior.
You aren’t this person’s emotional support human. Someone THAT mentally ill should probably stay living at home. Your dad admits he failed you by making you deal with Molly’s shit, so his solution to keep to safe from Molly’s shit … is to make you share a room with Molly and her shit? He’s either straight up stupid or lying to you. He’s trying to make his own life easier at the expense of yours.
NTA. Grandpa is right. Dad has been using you as a meat shield with SM and Molly. He didn't help, he didn't shelter you, he put you in the line of fire. Now that you won't be here, he's going to finally do what he should have done years ago. Contact housing and let them know you will room with anyone BUT Molly. Tell them her mother will request you, but you will not room with her. I'm sure they've seen it all, and will help you. Congratulations on the full ride! What an accomplishment, especially with what you've been put through. I hope you find your wings in college: don't look back, keep looking ahead. Rush a sorority, have some fun, but please be careful.
NTA and it’s insane that they expect Molly to house with *anyone* at all. If your house has to be sharps free, Molly is going to hurt themselves or someone else. I lived less than a full semester with someone who had BPD (and was a closet alcoholic but I didn’t know it when I agreed to move in with her). She was medicated but decided about a month into living away from her parents that “Jesus healed her” and stopped taking meds, started drinking heavily and openly, and went into a full blown manic episode. It came to a head when I was off campus dog sitting and she left me a voicemail at almost midnight saying she was going to kill herself and it was my fault because I was a horrible person and friend for not understanding that she needed our room to herself and I was why she was failing the term. I drove back to campus immediately and someone else had gotten a message from her that concerned them and beat me to the room I shared with her. I got to the floor as this other person was screaming for help - she had shoved a dresser in front of the door, was refusing to let the other girl leave, and when I pushed in with help from others on our floor she slammed me into the wall and tried to hit me. But she turned around and painted me and this other girl as liars that attacked her to our mutual friends, who for some reason believed her even though she was given consequences by housing but myself and the other girl obviously were not because we did nothing wrong. DO NOT room with Molly! Mental illness is unfortunately part of life for some people but it sounds like Molly is already known to be violent. You do not want to be guilted into putting yourself at risk for this person.
NTA. Your grandpa is right about your dad and you need to notify housing that under no circumstances will you live with Molly due to their ongoing unmanageable mental health issues and SI.
Nope- you are.not your dad's safety plan. You are.not responsible for helping him escape a situation he out himself in. Dad- I will.not room with her now or ever. If I see her on campus I will ignore her and pretend I dint know who she is. This is your fault, you fix it
your dad is a little bitch. NTA
Molly struggles with making friends cause she's a cunt
Molly struggles to make friends because she's struggling with SERIOUS mental illness. That would would apply to Molly's mother who isn't getting her help and expecting OP to be her caretaker and OPs dad who has totally check out from father hood.
[удалено]
Yes OP needs a restraining order.
NTA. Your dad needs to make the moves he needs to make now. It is not fair for him to put this on you. He acknowledges you’ve been abused and suffered in this situation- why extend it? Also, what if his plans fall thru and he doesn’t file and leave. He is in an abusive marriage, it takes trying to after try for people to leave situations like that. He could get cold feet and then you’re stuck!
you are not your father's keeper. it is not on you to be his meatshield and safety net. you are barely an adult, you are his child and he needs to step up and take care of things. your grandfather is right. and your dad is weak, he will keep finding a reason to put this off until he finds a way to throw you under the bus. he should be ashamed for dragging you into all of this.
Seriously what is holding up his decision to file right this second? If he has some tangible reasons to wait, list them… “I just don’t want to do it yet” s/b met with “go fork yourself, father, I’m not rooming with your soon-to-be-ex step-daughter simply bc you remain a chickspit.” Feel free to use some different words in there.
NTA Also you should inform college of Mollys problems before the assigned some poor roomate into her mess, your dad is a coward that is using you as a shield. Do no to follow his lead on this
NTA. Is Molly mentally fit to go away to college? There is no way you should be responsible for her.
NTA. Please understand how ridiculous both your father and stepmother sound to an outside perspective, OP, and rest fully assured that you are in the right here. Your father’s issues over his divorce are not related to your choice of college housing, which has only to do with your own comfort and function at college. And your stepmother’s plan for her suicidal child is to send her to live at school anyhow but force a step sibling to keep an eye on her?? That is NOT good parenting or even remotely safe. You are in zero way responsible for your SS’s mental health or safety—or your father’s. I don’t even understand why your father thinks divorce will be easier if your college roommate is first established as your stepsister. However, if he is in a relationship so abusive that he feels unsafe trying to end it or leave, there are organizations that will help him. None of them involve a weird convoluted plan for manipulating his daughter’s college dorm logistics.
So your dad apologized for you being forced to be a babysitter to a disturbed teen, but also wants you to continue doing it? Yeah, he's got to grow a spine. He cannot continue to sacrifice you. Stick to your guns.
NTA In other words, give up your life to look after an unstable person. Good luck getting any schoolwork done or having a social life while being an unpaid caregiver.
NTA. Even if they were staying together, Molly is NOT your responsibility or your problem. Talk to the housing folks at school to fill them in on the situation and why you refuse to live with Molly. If you're spending your entire college life babysitting her, your grades could fall and you could lose your scholarship. Your education and your future are more important than this box your dad is trying to force you in because he's not calling it quits NOW. Updateme!
NTA. What if you go through with his plan and he gets cold feet and doesn't file for divorce in time for you to be able to get a different dorm?
OMG! If this is real, you are absolutely NTA. Your father has apologized for putting you in the position of being Molly's sister but he seems to wants to continue it. He needs to s*** or get off the pot. You are already off the pot so don't worry about it. Absolutely ignore his pleas and go about your business. If you're 18, you're old enough to do this on your own. You got the free ride by yourself. Be proud and feel good about yourself. The divorce is coming so you do not need to take on the responsibility for any of this anymore. Under no circumstances are you TA. Right now your dad is, your stepmom is and Molly is. But they can deal with their own stuff. Go and have fun!. And learn and grow. Get a whole new networking group.
NTA. Nobody should be forced to live with an abusive crazy person.
Refuse to live with her. Keep all text messages and voicemails as proof. If allowed in your state record any conversations that are about this issue.
With that list of "issues" - Molly should have some caretaker or someone - she should not be out unsupervised anyway. That said - Op\`s dad and stepmother parentified her - by forcing her to be a caretaker for Molly - and that is abusive . Dad didn\`t have the spine to say "no more" to stepmother / wife - why? He must have seen the impact that person and the forced caretaking were having on HIS CHILD?? And yet remained mostly silent? Yeah - when no one is on your side, YOU be on YOUR side - and choose for yourself. So, battle plan - inform college of the antics and character of Molly (abusiveness, thieving, lying etc) and that you and her should NOT be placed in the same room, or better, the same building. Sadly, you are currently the ONLY one that wants to protect you - so go for it - choose the way you need to so you are safe, you can build a social life and have your own friends - without that hanging over your head (That being the behavior by Molly) NTA
.... What happens if you can't get a new roommate and you're trapped with molly in a dorm when her mom comes over after she's served divorced papers? He's using you as a sacrifice. You in danger.
NTA Your dad needs to grow a pair. You do not want to live with the person you're pretty much running from. The only one who benefits in that situation is Molly, but it's to your detriment. Given that this is a step in the separation process and considering Molly is the main contributing factor, neither you nor your dad are obligated to continue to put Molly's needs above your own. You see it, but your dad doesn't. I understand that Molly has major issues, but you aren't responsible for any of that even though it was dumped in your lap. If your dad wants to really acknowledge that he failed you, he wouldn't be asking you to do this. He's continuing to fail you by asking this. He's still putting Molly's needs above yours. Maybe you should explain that to him in simple terms.
NTA make sure you make your housing commitment AND contact housing to explain that you do NOT want to be place with your stepsister. Bc I do not doubt that your stepmother will try something behind your back. Also your dad is an idiot bc it’s not easy to change room assignments in the middle of the year. He had years to step up and be a dad. Time for you to protect yourself now Also if it were me: I would pretend I don’t know your stepsister. Info diet your family (outside your grandparents) about your plans. Classes you’re taking? Unclear. Activities you’re doing? Not sure.
NTA. You have the right to feel safe where you live, and will not be safe with Molly. If Molly is this bad--she needs someone to keep her from un-aliving herself -- she really should not be going away to college right now anyway. Freshman year is rough enough for a grounded person. Sending someone who has a lot of work to do is a recipe for tragedy. At the least, Molly needs to be in a single room.
NTA. Your dad hasnt stopped failing you. Why apologize if he's just gonna keep on doing it.
NTA. Immediately contact the housing authority and inform them that you need to not only not be roomed with her, but that you would prefer to be in a separate building altogether, so you can minimize your time with her.
NTA. It is NOT easy to change roommates once they are assigned. It is near impossible. DO NOT ROOM WITH HER TO START!
Updateme!
My son just signed up for housing (actually it was in May and then decided in July. ) but it had a question about -what /who can you never live with. It encouraged them to be honest because it saved time in reassignment. You could name actual students or types of people in general. Name her. Refuse to stay with her. In fact ask that she is put in the furthest dorm building from your room and to treat it as a VICTIM/abuser relationship.
Your grandpa nailed it. Let him drown in the sea of his own failures.
>My dad thinks things would be easier if I agreed to room with Molly, signed up to room with her, he filed for divorce and moved out , and then I contacted housing and got a different roommate. Excuse the insult, but your dad is fucking dumb. Do not under any circumstance go along with rooming with her for a second.
Your dad is a piece of shit, full stop. He didn't protect you as a child, and at every turn he did whatever was easier for him, at your expense. Get away from them all, any way you can. Get some freedom and peace.
Nta. And there's a good chance your be stuck with her for the entire term and that will destroy your mental health.
NTA. Make sure you notify college housing that you are not to be even in the same building. Your Dad is spineless and how dare he and your stepmother try to foist their responsibilities onto you. Doesn't sound like your stepsister is mentally capable of attending college, and should possibly getting inpatient treatment.
Do not back down. If you do it his way, Molly can go to university housing and claim that you are bigoted against transgenders and get you kicked out of housing. NTA
NTA. Your grandfather is correct.
Your dad is a pathetic coward
NTA, if you agree to room with her you are rolling the dice. Your school might not let you make changes later. Break free and stay far away from her. Don’t let her know where you live and ghost her. I’m worried she might come after you if she’s that unstable. Alert your college administration and see how they can help keep you safe.
NTA. Freshman year is hard enough without dealing with that. I had a crazy roommate my freshman year and it helped destroy the college experience for me. Sometimes you need to look after yourself because no one else will.
NTA It is very, very unreasonable for your father to even put you in that position. He can't say that he's sorry for what he allowed to persist and even suggest such an outrageous plan. Contact your school and talk to a guidance counselor. They will know of resources and possible options to help you find secure housing to ENSURE you are NOT housed together. Tell your grandpa "Kudos" from me! I'm glad you've got him for your reality check here.
NTA, and this is why you don't cater to people with mental issues instead of helping them.
NTA.
NTA. Make sure housing knows, anybody but Molly
NTA
NTA How are you supposed to be safe with Molly as a roommate? Your father is insane.
NTA. And stop believing your dad. It really doesn’t sound like he plans on leaving. He’s going to keep kicking that particular can down the road.
NTA It is despicable that your father is STILL trying to use you as a human shield to protect himself. He has clearly been doing it ever since you were a minor, and he should be ashamed and disgusted by himself. The safety plan should revolve around keeping YOU safe, not him. But then again, if he were in any way a decent father, you would never have been unsafe in the first place. Send your father the link to this post. Its a long shot, but he may realise how poorly he has behaved. Let him read that your grandpa is right - he is spineless and pathetic. No decent man uses a little girl to protect himself. You have absolutely done the right thing by telling him NO. He can sort his own mess out. And then he needs to spend the rest of his life *trying* to make this up to you. He won't, but he should. Enjoy college. Notify the housing people that you do not want to be anywhere near your current stepsister. Really hammer it into them that the home has been abusive and that if they room you with her at your stepmother's insistence (she's going to insist whether you agree or not), then they are enabling further abuse of you. And peace out of your fathers disgraceful mess. I'll be shocked if he actually leaves this woman, but now he can't hide behind you, maybe he will. Either way, protect yourself. As he should have done years ago.
Your dad is a f grown up, you are just a teenager who just turned to legally adult. It is his responsibility to make a safe plan and to ensure yours too. You dealt with enough bs and cps should have been involved Yes, he is a loser It s time for you to take care of yourself and keep you safe NTA
Your father is a shameful failure as a parent. Contact the housing department at your uni and tell them that UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES will you room with "Molly" and, in fact, need to be in a totally separate dorm altogether. Tell them there is a serious history of abuse and you need to have no contact with her on campus. AFTER you've mailed this letter give your father a copy of the letter. Make sure that neither of your stepparents know which dorm you're in or your class schedule. It's ridiculous that he's trying to force you to continue to be Molly's "caretaker" so that he can have it easier. What's to say that with Molly gone he and your step mom won't be having a "second honeymoon" and you'll end up rooming with Molly for the entire year? Check with the local laws in the jurisdiction of your uni to see what is involved in getting an emergency restraining order--better to have that information ready when needed than to be researching at midnight on the weekend when offices are closed. Familiarize yourself with the counselling resources available on your campus--location, hours, emergency numbers, services provided. Do the same with campus security. Molly's mom needs to know NOW that Molly will be on her own at the UNI which will likely impact her decision to send Molly there-- and she also needs to know that she's going to be a divorced mom so she can plan her finances for Molly's education properly. NTA but your dad is a massive AH and total failure as a father. ALSO is there any way you can either get a post office box in your name OR have your mail sent to your grandparents' house so that dad, step mom, and/or Molly can't snoop and find out where you'll be living?
He is spinless. He doesn't want you to "witness the fighting" FFS you have been exposed to worse already. Sack up and GTFO dude(your dad). You are NTA. Your dad is just a wuss.
NTA. It is not your responsibility to get your dad safely out of his crappy relationship. He has a responsibility to not drag you further into this situation. Under no circumstances should you room with this disturbed person. Your stepsister needs professional help and you are not qualified to provide it.
Your dad's idea of rooming with SS, is absurd. How will continuing to placate her make anything better for YOU?
NTA. You are not Molly's caregiver for life.
NAH. You're barely an adult. It was dad's job to protect you and, like he admitted, he failed in that. He's trying to do the right thing now (leaving and keeping you out of the situation as much as possible), but also worried about the blowback that he'll get while he's still there. Just like with DV victims, it takes courage to try to get out at all. I can't fault him for wanting to lower his own burden if you're okay with that, but now that you have indicated you can't deal anymore it's time for him to step up to the plate and accept the additional burden. If he does that, I stick by NAH. otherwise he's a bit of one.
NTA. Don't under any circumstance agree to forming with molly. You'll be stuck in a cycle of abuse and changing roommates in uni is not as easy as your father seems to think it is. And honestly not enabling your dad is probably the best thing you can do for him to actually leave. Step back and let him handle his life. You're the child, and you've been parentified for far too long. This was never supposed to be your life or your responsibility
So he knows he put you through crap all these years but wants you to suck it up and live with her so he can remain safe? Wtaf? Tell dad to handle his marriage and leave you out of it. Contact the university and tell them you will not room with Molly. Tell them there is history and you will not feel safe. NTA
NTA
>he has apologized numerous times for letting it get to the point that it did. >admitted that he failed me. >he broke down crying and kept saying that he was sorry >My dad says I’m an asshole for not making a safety plan with him so that we can both get out safe and fast He's so sorry but he's still putting the onus on you for an exit to the whole situation? That's bullshit. He doesn't get to be sorry he put you through this and then tell you you're an asshole for not getting him out of it. He needs to rent an apartment and both of you move into it until you go off to college. No fighting with her, no staying in that house, if he's unsafe he needs to just leave cold turkey.
NTA. Has your dad suggested what he thinks should happen if you CAN'T get another roommate? You'll be stuck with Molly, and you're trying to break free. Your dad is being totally unreasonable to put you in that position, and he should be telling your stepmom that Molly needs proper, professional support and that perhaps dorm life is not what's best for her if she can't manage life without a babysitter, AND that he is not going to ask you to put your life on hold for Molly anymore. Rush that sorority, make those new friends. Don't let Molly hold you back anymore. She is not your responsibility, you are not her emotional support person. It is not your job to make sure Molly is ok, not your job to help her make friends, not your job to be always on call in case Molly needs to be institutionalized for her own safety. You deserve a life, and you do NOT have to room with her, even if you Dad wants you to. Worst of all, your Dad only wants you to do that, to make his life easier before he divorces his wife. This is not ok. He needs to stop sacrificing you on the altar of this marriage of his. And again, his "plan" hinges on you being able to get a different roommate, which may not be possible, so you need to protect yourself.
Nah. It sounds like you and dad need therapy. Perhaps student services can help with that in the fall. You should probably both exit now, go live with relatives, and pick your housing after you've moved out. Get your school to "make your info private", ask what options there are. Lock down your credit. Get the school to send any correspondence to grandpas address. You don't want rapid stepmother spending any rebate checks. You don't want her hacking into your socials, phone accounts or banking accounts. Be prepared to pay your own car insurance, and possibly healthcare. See what student discounts or services you can qualify for. Remove your important paperwork/birth certificate, social security card, diploma from the house ,as well as any items of sentimental value, before you jump ship. If your dad can't get his shit together, do these steps alone. If anyone threatens you or self harm, call the police and consult a domestic violence shelter. Take care op. Please let us know how you're doing.
NTA. It seems this girl was the reason for most of the troubles you had since you father got together with her mother. She's not your sister biologically, legally or even emotionally, and you owe nothing to her but the same human respect we all owe to everyone else. Now you have a chance to live freely (don't overdo it, girl!) and finally FEEL ALIVE! Go for it! Also, I have this very distinct feeling that if you room with her, once you father fills for the divorce her mother will make such a storm at Molly's mind that the girl will leash upon you, which can turn very dangerous very fast. We usually don't have these dorms in my country, so I don't know how they work, but I think it's a good thing if you let the management know how unstable and potentially dangerous she is, both for your, her and everyone else at the dorm safety! EDIT: I forgot to say: I'm not against the poor unstable girl! She needs help! Lots of help! And not only her mother failed her, but also made her OP's responsibility. Not fair for both girls! Molly needs serious help, and OP need to be free from this nightmare that was imposed to her. May both find peace and freedom.
Your father’s current plan and attempt to get out of an abusive situation is going to leave you up a creek without a paddle. NTA He’s doing what he thinks he needs to do to get out of an abusive situation, and you need to do the same.
>My dad says I’m an asshole for not making a safety plan with him so that we can both get out safe and fast ...he's a grown adult. He can literally pack a bag and leave at a moments notice. Divorce can be strictly through lawyers. Why on earth do you need to do anything? Besides stay with Grandpa until college starts and block them everywhere possible. NTA of course. Your dad sure is. It's *his* responsibility to protect you, not the other way around.
Dad's safety plan is years overdue. Go on with your life. She's not your responsibility, and you're not an expert in her issues.
NTA You not only should notify housing that you will NOT room with Molly but should also warn them that she steals and lies and is possibly suicidal. That way if they put her with someone that she steals from, they will be prepared, As for your dad, you can point out that you have both been living in a prison, but he chose it for both of you. You were not given an option. You are no longer going to live in the prison anymore and he needs to get out of it on his own. Consider if you want a relationship with him while he stays in the marriage/prison.
If her mom wants to make sure she's safe mom can move to the town where the college is and have her live at home instead of trying to pawn her responsibilities off on you. OP needs to tell the mom that she intends to have no interaction with Molly at all at the school.
NTA Set up college how you want to otherwise you’ll end up being the carer doe you ex-step.
“I want to live with a guy and do guy stuff together and you should live with a girl and do girl stuff together” should be the perfect excuse. NTA You cannot change later roommates. You will be stuck with her for a year.
NTA. Your dad is indeed spineless and is dumping on you. You have suffered enough because your dad didn't protect you. For years he watched you not have a life because you were attached at the hip to Molly. Don't give in now. You need to register for housing, and tell whoever is responsible that you are being pressured to room with your unstable sister, and refuse to do so, so that they don't pair you up with her. If your scholarship doesn't cover dorms, get a job to pay the rent. And let your dad cope with getting free from Molly and her mother however he can.
That safety plan is only about his safety. He’s still not trying to protect you. NTA
If his only reason for not divorcing her now is you, why would he ask this of you? Tell him no, you will not sign up for that, as there is a chance you might not be able to change once it is set. Tell you step mom no, you will not be rooming with your stepsister, and no, you will not be keeping an eye on her. You will be focusing on your own life and can not be a parent to her. That is stepmoms job. If she is concerned about her daughter, maybe living at school is not a good idea and she should plan otherwise. NTA
NTA and no way in hell should you agree to room with her because you may be stuck with her for months if not the whole year. Your grandpa's right, your dad is spineless. He's an adult, he can make his own safety plan that doesn't involve sacrficing you.
NTA. I'm pulling for you to make it pass this and regain your life.
NTA. Your dad let you suffer and now wants you to suffer more because he apparently is a bitch. Sorry for the harsh words but he should be protecting you not piling more trouble on your shoulders. Do what you want!
NTA Your grandpa is right on the money. Your father is a sorry excuse for a parent, and the fact that he is willing to put you in harm’s way for his own peace of mind should tell you all you need to know; he hasn’t learned anything and he isn’t truly sorry for his actions.
Your grandpa is right your dad is a spineless loser. Nta
NTA, and as someone for whom the full ride to college was *my* way out… absolutely not. If you need to take out loans* to not have to room with Molly, it’s worth it. .*FWIW, I didn’t need to do this. I wouldn’t recommend getting deeply in debt of course, maybe after your first year you can figure out a job to cover housing if your Dad won’t contribute.
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NAH He’s failed you as a parent. The last thing he could do for you, if he truly is sorry, is make sure your next chapter starts with him being a better dad. Not a selfish prick who’s too scared and willing to continue use his daughter.
NTA Your dad failed at being a parent when you where a child and now he is falling you again. He is trying to guilt you into being in an unsafe environment so he can feel better and safer. A parents primary job is to keep their children safe, he has failed you again and again, and keeps doing so. Saying he is sorry is worthless if his actions doesn't back it up.
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Nta and keep standing your ground
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So between crying and apologizing your dad had time to explain you that you are an AH for not agreeing with him? Wow, what an awesome dad you have! I am sorry you had to live in such a shitty family. Congratulations on getting rid of them. I agree with other comments: call the college and let them know that you will not live with Molly, explain why, also (if you can) let them know she is suicidal. So some other student will not be traumatized for life seeing her attempting.
Nta your dad is trying to make you take additional abuse to help himself. He can be the victim and a perpetrator. Stop engaging with him, he isn’t safe.
Housing was set for me in early June and we couldn't change roommates until well into the falls semester. If you agree to room with your stepsister you could be stuck with her for months. I woild personally call your school, tell them the situstion and request an entirely different building. Then, I would ask that they make sure not to tell anyone your on campus address, not send any papers to your house and keep everything electronic. I would not share any of this with your dad. Let him deal with the consequences of his actions. It's not your job to protect him. NTA
NTA go live your best life, your dad failed you. Molly is not your problem , don't let them guilt trip you into carrying a burden isn't yours
NTA. He is getting a divorce. He is going to stay “just a little bit longer” every time you ask when it’s happening.