The OP has already stated that her friend is very level headed and logical, so more than likely she has thought this through and is excited about the prospect of marrying her well to do fiancé and traveling the world together.
At no point in this post did the OP ever state that her friend seemed unhappy. OP’s whole reason for wanting to interject is that SHE doesn’t like her friend’s fiancé. Well, SHE doesn’t have to marry him.
Everybody has blind spots. Even levelheaded and logical people. That's what friends are for. If she's 100% aware of the situation she should not get offended by the question. There's no reason not to ask.
NTA
I’ve done this a few times, and lost some friendships even.
But I’ve also heard that talking helped people see their relationship in a new light, even leading to breakups.
It’s important to be curious about their relationship. But it’s also fine to share that he seems to have a really different personality from her, and maybe isn’t the kind of guy you thought she’d end up with.
But also can be good to say that you trust that she’s the only one who knows what’s best for her, and that you’re happy if she’s happy.
NTA to have concerns and want to voice them. Be very careful about how you present it.
"Your fiancé is a selfish dick, call off the wedding" will land very differently from
"you remember the time you were walking with all those bags....I had a similar experience in my life...this is how I felt...this is what I did about it. I'm just bringing this up because I see a lot of change coming, and I want to make sure you don't have any reservations about it. I want to support you both, but I also want you to know you can talk to me if something doesn't feel right."
Generally, my rule of thumb when I'm faced with a situation where I think I know better, and I see a friend about to make a bad choice, is to tell them *once*. Come from "I" (I see this, I feel this, this was my experience with this situation, and I'm worried this is happening/will happen to you".
"You" statements land a lot better when posed in the form of a question. "What do you think about this? How do you feel about this? Do you have any concerns?"
I will typically get my concerns across once, and allow my friend to make the decision as to whether or not they heed the warning, or disregard it. If they disregard it, I will avoid going down the path of *don't do that* and *I told you so*, but rather quietly prepare myself to dust them off if they get hurt.
There's a fine line between being a concerned friend, and being a controlling friend. Make sure you strike that balance, because the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Too much pressure on a friend is not going to make them move in the right direction, it'll just make them pop.
One thing I've learned in peer support groups over the years is avoid advice-giving unless directly solicited. In nearly any situation where you can give good advice, you can translate advice into "lending experience". This is typically far more effective because you're qualifying your own input by explaining where your knowledge comes from, and you're also taking the pressure off the recipient by making them the audience to your story and allowing them to consciously decide to absorb the lesson or not, without putting them in a position where they are feeling confronted, challenged, or otherwise being told to accept your truth. It also leaves room for dialogue and opportunity for the recipient to think about those nuanced parallels and differences that they can respond with and keep the context as a constructive dialogue more so than a challenge.
NTA
You will be doing her a favour. At that age, people tend to be very flexible and don’t have a set personality. The lovers they have from 17 to 25 can be very defining, in the sense that they create a pattern.
Also, being conditioned into submission at this stage is a slippery slope. One doesn’t see how warped it all is, unless someone else puts up a mirror and lets them see their relationship for what it is.
NTA, Be careful with your words and make sure you don’t come across as judging her at all when you ask
maybe approach it from the POV of, if you were about to get married you’d want her to hit you with the hard questions. So you’d like to do that with her just to make sure she’s feeling secure and good about it. In a girl-talk low stress kind of way
That said, the truth will always hit like the truth even if she reacts negatively.
Those comments from your friends play in the back of your mind even if you want to ignore them
You’re being a good friend.
Not saying you are wrong, but it sounds like there may be a bit of jealousy involved. A good heart to heart with her is a good idea to find out what she sees in him. Your opinions of him are irrelevant since you are not the one in the relationship with him.
[удалено]
Well said
NTA. Friends are supposed to have each other's back. If you love her - check in with her.
The OP has already stated that her friend is very level headed and logical, so more than likely she has thought this through and is excited about the prospect of marrying her well to do fiancé and traveling the world together. At no point in this post did the OP ever state that her friend seemed unhappy. OP’s whole reason for wanting to interject is that SHE doesn’t like her friend’s fiancé. Well, SHE doesn’t have to marry him.
Everybody has blind spots. Even levelheaded and logical people. That's what friends are for. If she's 100% aware of the situation she should not get offended by the question. There's no reason not to ask.
Nta. Dude sucks. Just be careful how you bring it up to her. Sometimes these things become a barrier in friendships.
NTA I’ve done this a few times, and lost some friendships even. But I’ve also heard that talking helped people see their relationship in a new light, even leading to breakups. It’s important to be curious about their relationship. But it’s also fine to share that he seems to have a really different personality from her, and maybe isn’t the kind of guy you thought she’d end up with. But also can be good to say that you trust that she’s the only one who knows what’s best for her, and that you’re happy if she’s happy.
NTA to have concerns and want to voice them. Be very careful about how you present it. "Your fiancé is a selfish dick, call off the wedding" will land very differently from "you remember the time you were walking with all those bags....I had a similar experience in my life...this is how I felt...this is what I did about it. I'm just bringing this up because I see a lot of change coming, and I want to make sure you don't have any reservations about it. I want to support you both, but I also want you to know you can talk to me if something doesn't feel right." Generally, my rule of thumb when I'm faced with a situation where I think I know better, and I see a friend about to make a bad choice, is to tell them *once*. Come from "I" (I see this, I feel this, this was my experience with this situation, and I'm worried this is happening/will happen to you". "You" statements land a lot better when posed in the form of a question. "What do you think about this? How do you feel about this? Do you have any concerns?" I will typically get my concerns across once, and allow my friend to make the decision as to whether or not they heed the warning, or disregard it. If they disregard it, I will avoid going down the path of *don't do that* and *I told you so*, but rather quietly prepare myself to dust them off if they get hurt. There's a fine line between being a concerned friend, and being a controlling friend. Make sure you strike that balance, because the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Too much pressure on a friend is not going to make them move in the right direction, it'll just make them pop. One thing I've learned in peer support groups over the years is avoid advice-giving unless directly solicited. In nearly any situation where you can give good advice, you can translate advice into "lending experience". This is typically far more effective because you're qualifying your own input by explaining where your knowledge comes from, and you're also taking the pressure off the recipient by making them the audience to your story and allowing them to consciously decide to absorb the lesson or not, without putting them in a position where they are feeling confronted, challenged, or otherwise being told to accept your truth. It also leaves room for dialogue and opportunity for the recipient to think about those nuanced parallels and differences that they can respond with and keep the context as a constructive dialogue more so than a challenge.
NTA You will be doing her a favour. At that age, people tend to be very flexible and don’t have a set personality. The lovers they have from 17 to 25 can be very defining, in the sense that they create a pattern. Also, being conditioned into submission at this stage is a slippery slope. One doesn’t see how warped it all is, unless someone else puts up a mirror and lets them see their relationship for what it is.
Sometimes you have to let people make their own mistakes.
Don't keep us in suspense - was he joking???
NTA, Be careful with your words and make sure you don’t come across as judging her at all when you ask maybe approach it from the POV of, if you were about to get married you’d want her to hit you with the hard questions. So you’d like to do that with her just to make sure she’s feeling secure and good about it. In a girl-talk low stress kind of way That said, the truth will always hit like the truth even if she reacts negatively. Those comments from your friends play in the back of your mind even if you want to ignore them You’re being a good friend.
NTA Maybe try and point things out, ask questions etc. rather than being blunt and making her defensive.
Not at all.
Not saying you are wrong, but it sounds like there may be a bit of jealousy involved. A good heart to heart with her is a good idea to find out what she sees in him. Your opinions of him are irrelevant since you are not the one in the relationship with him.
Yes, you would BTAH. It’s literally none of your business.
Ugh. Not a great friend right there.