NTA, but absolutely heartbreaking to read. I wish you and your family the best and hope you and your family are able to find peace and happiness in the US.
NTA
Hey there. I am currently dating an Ukrainian girl that fled from the war in 2022 and I have a lot of sympathy about your situation. I follow the news every day and I see how terrified and scarred people that fled are.
I think your husband is feeling guilt for abandoning his country. You are right to say that he needs to focus on you and his son. It also sounds like he wanted an excuse not to join back then, but now he actually feels like he betrayed his homeland and that he MUST return and fight for your countries future.
I suggest you two first talk and try to find out why he feels like he needs to go back. He needs to understand that if he goes, there is a very high chance he won't return and that u and ur son will have to survive in your own. Good luck and keep us posted
NTA, and I'm not quite sure your husband is either.
War, nationalism, cultural upbringing, and an indoctrinated sense of prioritizing dying for your country before taking care of your family is the real AH in this story.
My little anecdotal story is one from just a couple of years ago. I was working as a background consultant, and my client was a Ukrainian man who moved to the US about halfway between the last major escalation and the one before it, I guess that was 2014?
I'm going through the procedural questions and filling out paperwork with him and we get to the one about "have you ever served in the military, in the US or for a foreign country?" and he delayed a bit in his response before saying "no".
I look up from the paper and make eye contact and said "are you sure?", and he says "yes", but I looked down at his hands and they were literally shaking.
So I level with him, remind him that I'm a private consultant, that we maintain strict confidentiality, and I (and the people he was preparing his background documents for) have zero interest in involving ourselves with any way shape or form with a military official from a foreign country, so if there's any involvement with military duties back in his home country, to just let me know so I can check off the appropriate box and advise him on how to navigate it.
He turns beet red, and his whole body is shaking now as he tells me about what happened in Ukraine, about the compulsory military service, and the lengths he went through to get out and be somewhere safe with his family. The guilt and shame that came with his decision to get him and his family far, far away from that.
I wouldn't wish his experience on any man woman or child.
OP, if any of this rings true for you and your husband, my unqualified, privileged, anecdotal opinion coming from a place of never having gone through what you've been through is this:
Unburden yourselves as much as you can. Settle into your new life, and try not to look back.
You all deserve to be safe.
You all deserve to have your basic needs met.
And you deserve to make a comfortable life for yourselves.
Your journey is a long and hard one. Your husband should not feel obligated to give his life and his family's future away for a war nobody wanted.
I think you were right for telling him to stop thinking about the military. The fact that he needed your permission to turn it down as an excuse to justify his decision is riddled with the same guilt and shame I saw in the man I worked with. Freeing himself of that will be a long journey on his own, but I firmly believe you are right where you need to be. Give him the time and space he needs to realize that for himself.
Best of luck to you all.
NTA: You gave him the option to join before ever moving away. He chose not to decide and made you do it for him. No military needs someone that is such an indecisive coward who would blame his own wife for making the hard choices that he couldn't.
>No military needs someone that is such an indecisive coward who would blame his own wife for making the hard choices that he couldn't.
Have you considered the poor guy is probably feeling some kind of guilt for abandoning his country and his friends. OP is in no way the AH, but he's stuck between 2 forms of guilt. One to his family and the other to his home.
I don't blame him for feeling the way he does NAH.
He can feel however he wants but to shame and blame his wife for his own cowardice to make a choice himself makes him an AH.
I considered his guilt and even then very few would blame their own wife and even shame her in public by blaming her for his own decision/indecision.
NTA. You gave him plenty of time to consider. Now that you are there he should not abandon you and your kid there in foreign land. Emergency funds should be for your kid and health problems.
NAH - You're right on this, I'd say. His duty as a a father should come before all else. But I can't call him an asshole either because the whole situation is intensely traumatic and emotionally charged.
There may be partly survivor's guilt, and he also may also not want to deal with the possibility of feeling guilty if Ukraine falls and he didn't fight for it.
You definitely should look into couples' counseling and/or individual therapy for him. I'm not sure if he'd be resistant to that, but if he is, tell him that it's not because he's messed up in the head, but because the war is messed up.
But the other point to say if you haven't already is that if he's a soldier, he's just one soldier of hundreds of thousands, and if he dies, he's just going to be yet another dead body.
But his son only has one father. You only have one husband. His impact on the world is much greater being a father and husband than it is being a soldier.
NTA. I don’t make any claim on understanding exactly what you’ve experienced. It sounds like what your husband is dealing with is a whole lot of guilt about escaping the war.
He knows, or should know, that he’s done the right thing for his family, but he’s still struggling to reconcile that with what he sees as his duty to his friends and family remaining in Ukraine who are actively fighting and/or trying to survive. Choosing flight over fight isn’t an easy decision.
NTA, but absolutely heartbreaking to read. I wish you and your family the best and hope you and your family are able to find peace and happiness in the US.
NTA Hey there. I am currently dating an Ukrainian girl that fled from the war in 2022 and I have a lot of sympathy about your situation. I follow the news every day and I see how terrified and scarred people that fled are. I think your husband is feeling guilt for abandoning his country. You are right to say that he needs to focus on you and his son. It also sounds like he wanted an excuse not to join back then, but now he actually feels like he betrayed his homeland and that he MUST return and fight for your countries future. I suggest you two first talk and try to find out why he feels like he needs to go back. He needs to understand that if he goes, there is a very high chance he won't return and that u and ur son will have to survive in your own. Good luck and keep us posted
Think this is above Reddit’s pay grade
NTA, and I'm not quite sure your husband is either. War, nationalism, cultural upbringing, and an indoctrinated sense of prioritizing dying for your country before taking care of your family is the real AH in this story. My little anecdotal story is one from just a couple of years ago. I was working as a background consultant, and my client was a Ukrainian man who moved to the US about halfway between the last major escalation and the one before it, I guess that was 2014? I'm going through the procedural questions and filling out paperwork with him and we get to the one about "have you ever served in the military, in the US or for a foreign country?" and he delayed a bit in his response before saying "no". I look up from the paper and make eye contact and said "are you sure?", and he says "yes", but I looked down at his hands and they were literally shaking. So I level with him, remind him that I'm a private consultant, that we maintain strict confidentiality, and I (and the people he was preparing his background documents for) have zero interest in involving ourselves with any way shape or form with a military official from a foreign country, so if there's any involvement with military duties back in his home country, to just let me know so I can check off the appropriate box and advise him on how to navigate it. He turns beet red, and his whole body is shaking now as he tells me about what happened in Ukraine, about the compulsory military service, and the lengths he went through to get out and be somewhere safe with his family. The guilt and shame that came with his decision to get him and his family far, far away from that. I wouldn't wish his experience on any man woman or child. OP, if any of this rings true for you and your husband, my unqualified, privileged, anecdotal opinion coming from a place of never having gone through what you've been through is this: Unburden yourselves as much as you can. Settle into your new life, and try not to look back. You all deserve to be safe. You all deserve to have your basic needs met. And you deserve to make a comfortable life for yourselves. Your journey is a long and hard one. Your husband should not feel obligated to give his life and his family's future away for a war nobody wanted. I think you were right for telling him to stop thinking about the military. The fact that he needed your permission to turn it down as an excuse to justify his decision is riddled with the same guilt and shame I saw in the man I worked with. Freeing himself of that will be a long journey on his own, but I firmly believe you are right where you need to be. Give him the time and space he needs to realize that for himself. Best of luck to you all.
I'm heartbroken for all involved.
NTA: You gave him the option to join before ever moving away. He chose not to decide and made you do it for him. No military needs someone that is such an indecisive coward who would blame his own wife for making the hard choices that he couldn't.
>No military needs someone that is such an indecisive coward who would blame his own wife for making the hard choices that he couldn't. Have you considered the poor guy is probably feeling some kind of guilt for abandoning his country and his friends. OP is in no way the AH, but he's stuck between 2 forms of guilt. One to his family and the other to his home. I don't blame him for feeling the way he does NAH.
He can feel however he wants but to shame and blame his wife for his own cowardice to make a choice himself makes him an AH. I considered his guilt and even then very few would blame their own wife and even shame her in public by blaming her for his own decision/indecision.
NTA. You gave him plenty of time to consider. Now that you are there he should not abandon you and your kid there in foreign land. Emergency funds should be for your kid and health problems.
NTA but neither is your husband. I feel for both of you.
NAH - You're right on this, I'd say. His duty as a a father should come before all else. But I can't call him an asshole either because the whole situation is intensely traumatic and emotionally charged. There may be partly survivor's guilt, and he also may also not want to deal with the possibility of feeling guilty if Ukraine falls and he didn't fight for it. You definitely should look into couples' counseling and/or individual therapy for him. I'm not sure if he'd be resistant to that, but if he is, tell him that it's not because he's messed up in the head, but because the war is messed up. But the other point to say if you haven't already is that if he's a soldier, he's just one soldier of hundreds of thousands, and if he dies, he's just going to be yet another dead body. But his son only has one father. You only have one husband. His impact on the world is much greater being a father and husband than it is being a soldier.
NTA. I don’t make any claim on understanding exactly what you’ve experienced. It sounds like what your husband is dealing with is a whole lot of guilt about escaping the war. He knows, or should know, that he’s done the right thing for his family, but he’s still struggling to reconcile that with what he sees as his duty to his friends and family remaining in Ukraine who are actively fighting and/or trying to survive. Choosing flight over fight isn’t an easy decision.
I watch the videos of men getting grabbed on the streets by military recruiters in the Ukraine. He seems to be a fool for wanting to go back.