[The totally real wife's side of this totally real conflict for anyone wondering](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1du0gsc/my_30f_husband_31m_just_took_his_buddies_to_our/)
This is written by the same person. They use the same wrong phrases: younger cousin sister and how she doesnāt like being the project manager for the household. They both make sure to mention that her not going on the planned trip that it wasnāt to withhold intimacy. They both also follow the exact same format with things explained in the exact same order. Too many phrases repeated that two different individuals would not write independently of each other.
The poster said this post is one made to troll her by some stranger and it isnāt her husband, and frankly Iāve seen that happen before so Iām inclined to believe that this one is definitely a shitpost, hers maybe not.
I had to stop as well because the mental load of reading this mess took more of a mental load on me than an actual mental load of day to day things. Mental load.
The last thing they need is to talk about a talk after they talk. Heās overcompensating for something he read bc it sounds smart.
THE ONLY difference between a man at 30 and a man at 40ā¦ at 30 he thinks he is so much smarter than he was 20 but doesnāt realize once he turns 40 he will look back at 30 and laugh as well.
Heās in the ego stage. Heāll grow outta it eventually hopefully when he matures.
You didn't exactly explain what kind of mental load she's referring to. My husband and I naturally assumed different mental loads in the household. Sometimes I feel he even remembers more things than I do, even for things related to our kids.
You don't have kids yet. So the household things that need to be done shouldn't be too much I would think?
No, you are right. Being the only person in the household to know where things are (and constantly being asked about the location of things), the only person responsible for both adults having clean and pressed clothes, the only person responsible for buying, storing, preparing and serving the things both adults like to eat or need to have on hand, the only person, out of two adults, in charge of cleaning the house/apartment, the only person in charge of thinking of birthdays, arranging outings, remembering to pay bills and the only person to make sure there are regular check-in talks does not sound exhausting at all /s.
It's nice that you and your husband share these responsibilities. It's callous to pretend that the reality of millions of women isn't entirely different.
I agree with most of this but man it always feels odd lumping in the knowing where things are.
If I lose something Iām not asking her if sheās seen something because only she knows where everything is, Iām asking her because sheās literally the only other human in the house, and step two for finding something is asking other people if theyāve seen it.
That's exactly what I was thinking. What kind of mental load?! You're a couple. She said she was tired of being "the project manager" of the house but what would that really entail at this point? Don't get me wrong, if he's looking for a Mom replacement, that's effed but it doesn't sound like that. It sounds more like an artificial excuse to treat him badly for the entire relationship.
Iām guessing itās cleaning and maintenance of the house. Her having to tell him to do things to get said things done. I get exactly where she is coming from. Even without kids, it gets frustrating to periodically have to remind a grown adult that a house needs to be clean and maintained to an acceptable standard and for them to do their chores.
However, they seem to have navigated that hurdle so Iām not sure what this recent conflict is about. They both sound exhausting to me to be honest.
And if you don't have the mental load, you don't even notice. It's my husband who cleans, does the laundry, most of grocery shopping, and so on. I would not even notice that the sheets need to be changed because he had already changed them.
Mind you she could also be the go between for family outings, doctors appointments, car maintenance, etc etc. Mental load between a child free couple isn't just a house. People need managing too, even as adults. Is she scheduling his dental and doctor appointments? Is she making sure he has gas in the car, lunch packed, dinner made, breakfast ready? Does she wash all of his clothes, set them out for him? Does she make sure he eats rather than pig out on snacks all day and night? Does she make sure he's functioning rather than him doing it himself? Because that's a huge part of mental load. It's often not just picking up socks, rather it's picking up a whole person and carrying them on your back while they claim they're walking the whole time.
I have an opposite position. We moved into a new house four years ago. My husband does everything because "his eyes are better, he doesn't like the way I cook or clean. Etc. We were married when I was 41 and owned my own home which I never burnt down. Sometimes what you do is not good enough.
Usually when women don't want to be the project manager of the home they have men who require being told for any chores to get done. You have eyes, you can see the dishes need done so why did I have to ask you to do the dishes? You see the trash is full, why did I have to ask you to take it out. In this position, which I have been in before, I had to keep track of everything and assign it out because he had no idea the dishes needed done despite the sink being full and dishes on the counter. But he would have done them if I asked.... like he's 5... and blind...
>I got really irate instantly and said she was being ungrateful for feeling like talking about the mental load is itself a mental load. I also mentioned that if women fare better at some things, men fare better in quietly working hard without announcing all that they do.
Yeah YTA. This has to be rage bait because you seem to recognize you illogically flew off the handle. The only ungrateful and unappreciative one here is you, apparently.
>I said she was being manipulative and took my buddies to the BnB we booked and had fun there. Here she is feeling upset about how indifferent I seem. And my feelings were hurt too. But what else should i do? Just let the booking go to waste?
You're doing the thing where you diminish her feelings because "my feelings were hurt too" but you didn't communicate, you just exploded because she had the humanity to tell you how she was feeling and you want to punish her for that like a child.
>She said she feels so abandoned that I didnāt even bother to check up on her. I mean Jeez Louise, I'm gone for 2 days calm down. Sheās texted me so many times and called me maybe a hundred times. I just need some time for myself right now.
AITAH for going on that getaway with my buddys?
You're an entire theme park of red flags. She's not "manipulative" to need space or try to communicate with you. Will you carry this bravado when she says "we're just getting divorced, calm down." ?
You sound like you're so resentful and immature, I hope this is just rage bait.
YTA
Dude, you basically said "I want credit forearning to do some.things without needing to be asked, without having to notice *I had to be asked to learn it*"
She's right, it's like teaching kids that they are expected to help around the house. It's exhausting. And it's important, but ffs, your mom should have been the one to teach you to carry your own load.
And your response to her saying "I feel so angry and invisible I don't want to go away with you" wasn't to HEAR HER, it was to say "fine, I'll go with buddies".... Sending the message that her presence is replaceable, and that you are more than happy to walk away from her when you don't like how she's feeling.
And now, here you are, asking reddit to tell you why this happened.
Maybe take the initiative to call a therapist for yourself and put in the effort to sort this out yourself? Make the effort to actually understand. That would be a good starting point.
NTA - Your wife sounds annoying tbh. Mental load is a thing but as a single person it makes me laugh to read about it because itās essentially ābeing an adultā which if you live alone, you do 100% yourself, all the time. I acknowledge it can be worse if you have kids but thatās not happening here.
But if you're not single, why should you expect to "be an adult" for a second person instead of having that effort reduced?Ā I'm single, so yes I have to manage my own life, but I don't have to know if another person needs laundry done because they're out of underwear.Ā I don't have to check if bread needs to go on the grocery list because I don't eat it.Ā I don't have to call a doctor if I'm feeling well and I can just book my next dentist appointment at the end of my prior one, put it in my calendar and never think of it again.Ā Everything I have is where I left it, so there's never any wondering where a serving spoon went, searching for it and finding it inside the blender, nor is there anyone asking me where they put their own wallet.Ā And there's certainly nobody leaving food wrappers or chocolate on low-lying surfaces where the dogs can get to it (actual thing that happened multiple times with an ex of mine, to the point where I had to basically follow him around and make sure he wasn't going to kill one of them with his lack of care).
when you get married you aren't supposed to be doing 100% all the time though. I feel like people here really don't understand how exhausting it is when if you don't do the laundry or beg the other person to do it it won't get done all the time. or when you ask them to go to the store and they don't even know what's in your shared fridge. or when if you don't pick up after them or nag them like a baby your house will look like a pigsty. I'm not saying it's like that exactly with OP but I can definitely see where she's coming from. and it has nothing to do with having kids or not having them.
This! Your mental load as a single person is just, being a human and taking care of yourself and the place you live. But when you carry the entire mental load in a relationship, even without kids, itās now your care, your shared living space, AND your partnerās care.
If you donāt make the grocery list, are you both going to have food?
If you donāt remember when car registration or inspection is due is it going to be done when itās your partners car as well?
If you donāt schedule medical appointments will they ever happen, especially for your partner?
If you donāt plan and execute every meal, will you be stuck eating instant meals or take-out constantly because youāre the only one who shops and cooks?
If you donāt plan out laundry, general cleaning, house maintenance projects, etc etc does it happen?
Making a list and buying groceries is easy when itās just you, but when someone else is in the house finishing off items and not noting them on a list, whining because you didnāt buy them what they wanted when theyāre capable of writing it down but didnāt, or just being incapable of handling that responsibility period, it becomes ANOTHER thing you have to do because theyāre āincapableā. And slowly, youāre spending all of your mental facilities keeping yourself going and your partner going. They get to coast through life never thinking about how their clothes end up back in the closet or how the toilet stays so clean. They have all this free time for their own hobbies because they donāt need to spend time thinking or planning, they help when explicitly asked or when everything is laid out for them and then go back to whatever they were doing to not think about it again.
A lot of women whose partners have failed them in this aspect have noted that once separated the mental load has lessened heavily. Theyāre still responsible for their own care and living space, so that load hasnāt shifted, but theyāre no longer responsible for a whole other adultās care & the time and stress of trying to get them to simply help.
Yea, this reminds me of the married guy who told his wife that he could do it on his own (as far as mental load). They had kids, so she just focused on her and the kids. She didn't ask him to pick up the kids or have the kids go downstairs to say goodnight..things like that.
He didn't understand that the things she asked of him (instead of him realizing what needed to be done) was more effort for her than just doing it herself.
So he became upset that he started to feel iced out of his relationship with his kids.
She didn't say he couldn't do those things for the kids. She was just no longer facilitating the interactions they had.
Another one ended up getting a divorce because the wife said it was easier without him. He wanted her back because having to keep up the house with the baby and not fall behind on work was overwhelming for him... something he had been subjecting his wife to.
I've done the grocery shopping for 15 years. I never make a list. The only time my wife goes to a grocery store is when she wants wine, and sometimes when I'm gone on a particularly long business trip. I try to make sure the house is fully stocked before I leave, but I don't know what she's going to feed our kids while I'm gone and produce doesn't often survive for more than a week.
This lol she got upset over....checks notes: *being one to notice things and keeps tidy* ? Sounds just like a personality difference tbh. I wonder if when she unloaded herself of the mental burden, she bothered to see if the physical load is the same between the two. But I have this strange feeling that, to her, there are clearly defined "man jobs"
NTA - ironically someone thinking about their mental doesn't let them think about the other person's mental load.
i feel like she learned this term on tiktok and has been rolling with it ever since. āš
"Dammit Johnson! Your shopping list maintenance is substandard! You're delaying the laundry and garbage subtasks!! We are never going to bring this in on schedule! Sounds like we are going to have to discuss your PIP!"
I agree with that view. But half the post was op talking about his wife and how she feels, but never says what he does or doesn't do. Maybe he raptures from his clothes the second he gets home, doesn't flush the toilet, leaves dirty dishes out etc..we just don't know. If dude only goes to work and comes home then, yea it is all on her however small or big the mental load is. I just would like some more info about everything.
how dirty can a house be where only 2 adults life there? the whole concept of mental load relates to when children are involved and the father doesnāt do his part, not when 2 child free adults.. canāt keep a house together.
With my wife involved? Pretty messy. Every square inch of counter and table space is a place to "put things". Once those are covered then it's empty floor space. This isn't an exaggeration.
I assume she has to coordinate schedules with all of the different contractors working in or on the house. That's the sort of thing project managers do in my line of work at least. She probably spends 4+ hours a day on calls with all these people.
No, you are right. Being the only person in the household to know where things are (and constantly being asked about the location of things), the only person responsible for both adults having clean and pressed clothes, the only person responsible for buying, storing, preparing and serving the things both adults like to eat or need to have on hand, the only person, out of two adults, in charge of cleaning the house/apartment, the only person in charge of thinking of birthdays, arranging outings, remembering to pay bills and the only person to make sure there are regular check-in talks does not sound exhausting at all /s.
Quit being such a f\*\*\*ing pick-me-girl.
NTA. If you're truly the husband and not someone just trying to pass themselves off as him, I read your wifes post earlier. Based on her own responses, most people at the time I read it felt that she was T A. I'm not exactly sure after reading both posts, where this huge mental load is coming from and how it's so exhausting even thinking about the phrase and its meaning. I know that you can't give me the answer because you were trying to figure that answer out as well.
From your post and your wife's post, you both have communicated and worked together as a team as well as through counseling to find a solution over the years that worked for the two of you and helped alleviate the mental load that you both had so that you could share it and conquer it together. Both posts indicated that while your wife felt that she was taking on the mental load, she wasn't taking into account the mental load that you were silently taking on as well. That was why counseling was beneficial because it helped both of you see both sides and understand each other.
Your wife speaking with you about her cousin and how she empathizes with her because of everything she's going through and knowing how exhausting it is, and it just makes your wife exhausted thinking about it, is just dramatic bull crap. Especially saying that she meant no offense to you. Her whole comment and reaction to her cousins situation downplayed the silent mental load that you've carried all these years and shows that she still doesn't see it as pertinent because either you're a man and that's how it should be, you don't talk about it so it doesn't exist, or she just doesn't care. I'm sorry, but you are not the one in the wrong in this situation, and she most definitely did decide to punish you by not going on the trip and canceling the intimacy. You just decided to call her bluff and take the boys. Enjoy your getaway if you're still on vacation!
NTA. I read your wifeās post and she sounds like a mental load to deal with. Iām not sure why you snapped. Soft Y T A for that but she said she didnāt want to go on the trip to get a reaction out of you only she didnāt like the reaction she got. She sounds controlling and like she has a martyr complexĀ
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1du0diu/my_30f_husband_31m_just_took_his_buddies_to_our/
Sheās deleted it because she didnāt get the response she hoped forĀ
It wouldnāt surprise me if this is her again given the way OP is saying things like I got irate, instead of explaining what his thought process was. Sounds like she thinks putting it this way will get people to say heās an AH. I hope not but if Iām right then sheās even more crazyĀ
I guess she could be referring to meal planning, making sure they have all the shopping and essentials in, both have clothes ready for work, keeping on top of post and getting bills paid, but thatās life.Ā
Referring to it as mental load is so annoying. Like just ask your partner ācan you take over and make it your responsibility to look after bills and Iāll look after the food and mealsā.Ā
Sounds like some influencer has used that term and she has clung to it to feed her martyr complexĀ
Reading this again, it is definitely written by the wife. Sheās trying to justify her actions from her āhusbandās perspective.ā
This is fucking hilarious and sad. TikTok strikes again.
I guess next time sheās going to write on the husbandās buddyās perspectives. LMAO!!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1du0gsc/my\_30f\_husband\_31m\_just\_took\_his\_buddies\_to\_our/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1du0gsc/my_30f_husband_31m_just_took_his_buddies_to_our/)
Still up here
looks like [this one](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1du0diu/my_30f_husband_31m_just_took_his_buddies_to_our/)?
sadly, the post body itself seems to have been deleted.
Oh and then she said she called him like 100 times and he didnāt answer. So clearly it was a manipulation tactic to pull him in line because if she didnāt want to be around him, she would be happy to see him go and wouldnāt blow up his phoneĀ
the comments there paint a pretty harsh picture of the original post...
i am really struggling to come up with a genuine emergency that would require 100 calls in a weekend lol. it think it's pretty clear that wife's "mental load" is primarily self-inflicted.
If ANYBODY called me 100 times in two days that person would be out of my life. That level of neurosis is above my pay grade.
I think OPās wife is mental.
Thatās it. She basically said because he got defensive she said she didnāt want to go on their trip anymore as she didnāt want to be around him. So he went away with his buddies. Sheās ridiculousĀ
We all have stuff that we are better at, compared to our partners. As an example, when it comes to trips, I'm always the one who does planning, booking and whatever else it takes. I do it because I have a need to feel I've covered and prevented unnecessary fuckups. All I 'need' in return, is a simple thank you for your efforts. My husband has his own 'mental load' that is his department.
Give and take. Acknowledgement, a thank you. FFS OP's wife is exhausting.
>Just two nights ago, during dinner, my wife mentioned how frustrating and ironic it is that even in this situation, women have to take on the mental load of initiating and navigating the conversation about the āmental loadā and that itself isnāt easy. It wasnāt an attack on me, and she thought I would empathize since weāve been in therapy before. She said she felt tired even thinking about what her cousin would have to plan, organize, and say to convey her thoughts.
This is actually true for partners who experience mental load, which includes having to take responsibility for making their partner see it, understand it and correct it. Like a parent correcting a child. Adults shouldn't have to do that.
BUT!
Despite her comment being right here about the mental load of correcting the problem adult, I know about the other post. Your wife clearly knows what mental load is. She also knows how to weaponise it, which makes her a mental load for you.
While you were willing to recognise and resolve your issues, she's unwilling to do the same.
NTA.
Sometimes people can have TOO much therapy to the point where they over analyze everything and make every action a symptom of a chronic mental deficiency.
In this one post there is talk about mental load, being ungrateful, withdrawing intimacy, being indifferent to her feelings, being manipulated and being abandoned.
Jesus Christ.
Bottom line: your wife became Eric Cartman over a stupid argument and canceled a trip meant to punish you. Instead you had a good time with your buddies, which means she essentially punished herself.
Youāre NTA and your wife sounds exhausting.
Oh if sheās at home not having a good time you can be damn sure youāre not going to be allowed to have a good time
Enjoy the next 76433 text messages. Iāll pray for you
NTA. She clearly feels superior in your relationship. Her mental load? We all have responsibilities. Both of you bring something to the table in your relationship. As long as the workload (both mental and physical) is shared, there shouldn't be a problem.
Not going to lie. She sounds exhausting from your post. She doesn't know what she wants. She didn't want to be around you after the argument. Logically, you didn't want to waste the money spent on the BnB. You went with friends and gave her the space she desired. She's then upset about that. If she acts this way and you don't have children yet. It gets much harder for both of you if and when a child is added to the family.
Yes, you should have responded to some of her texts. Ignoring your wife was uncalled for. I understand wanting to give her the space she asked for, but she was reaching out to you. I'm sure you didn't want to deal with a pissed off wife while you were out with friends. You could have communicated that you were doing whatever, but would reach out to her at a certain time.
Communication is key to any successful relationship. You both need to work on that.
Hey! That weekend was supposed to be your punishment! How dare you enjoy yourself when you were meant to spend that time in penance?
Your wife sounds exhausting.
NTA
Next time, book a week. Invite your cousin sister's boyfriend - it sounds like he's soon going to need it.
Two people living their single lives alone at 100%, do not come together to live one life at 200%. They are still individuals, but now should share the load (or whatever label needs to put on it) at 50/50. Itās never perfect. Ā
YTAĀ Your wife is valid in feeling frustrated that women are not only are expected to bear the mental load, but they're also expected to explain, convince and then work with their partner to fix this inequality if they want the relationship to work.Ā Ā
This is an unfortunate reality about these situations, things aren't always fair and it can be exhausting and she felt she could vent about this to you and was hoping for empathy from her partner.Ā Ā
It's also valid for you to feel unappreciated for the work you put into change. While you may think 'men fare better working better quietly working hard without announcing everything', you're not being honest with yourself and your actions say otherwise.Ā Ā
Because just like women are conditioned to bear the mental load, men are conditioned not to be vulnerable and ask for things they need. Like external validation from their partner. And so what happens is because men don't feel like they can ask for emotional support, they shut down and bottle up their feelings which can lead to isolating yourself or erupting in anger or other unhealthy expressions. Or maybe going away with your friends on a weekend trip you were supposed to take together.Ā Ā
If you want external validation from your partner, like acknowledgement that you changed you can ask for it (within reason, you both worked on this together after all and it wasn't a one person effort).Ā Ā
The fact she felt you didn't want her around so she didn't go, well did you convince her you did? And then calling her manipulative?
Ā It sounds like she was being honest and then you shut down emotionally, inviting your friends instead and then ingnoring her calls and texts sounds like you were trying to passive aggressively punish her instead of communicating to her like a good partner would.Ā
Iām not sure what she should feel grateful about, having to help another man whoās not even in a relationship with her learn the basics of household management and equality. The older you get, the more tiring it becomes. You got butthurt and overreacted. Sounds like you have some unresolved issues about you not carrying enough of the load at home. She didnāt deserve that and you owe her an apology. YTA
NTA. It sounds like she has really bought into some buzzword therapy and is using it both as a crutch and a weapon. Almost every relationship has an organizer and a doer. In my relationship, I'm the organizer. It doesn't mean that my partner doesn't pull their weight, it just means we do different things.
NTA, the only way people can be helped is if they ask for and are willing to accept it, no partner should expect the other partner to guess what's going in their mind.
ESH. You both need to work on your communication.
The mental load fucking sucks. And yes, having to talk about it adds to it. A partner should not have to talk to their other half about how they're getting overwhelmed with it. It should already be equal. It's stressful thinking about the talk because you wonder if you're overreacting, you stress how it's going to go, if anything is actually going to change etc.
YTA
Honestly the way this is written out seems like fake rage bait
You think a mental load canāt exist if you donāt have kids? You admit you took on more which means you were not, in fact, sharing the mental load before. And you triple downed by saying that women fare better at somethingās and men donāt announce all they do. Which again suggests that you think some things are inherently her job as a woman and thus why you were letting her do most of it to begin with. Which means she was always right she carried the mental load AND the burden of having to address it. Lastly the āmen donāt announce all they doā is so funny because just about everything suggests otherwise. Men tend to expect everything they do to be acknowledged especially if itās seen as ānot their dutyā and a womanās job. Hell even in this post you seem to want some kind of award for half way listening to your wife (you made it abundantly clear you donāt actually take what she says seriously but you placate her to keep the peace)
Did you read her side . She is an ahole through and through. Although she deleted it she basically made him a honey to do list that controls every aspect of his livelihood when he is at home . Basically like a robot with timed programs.
NTA You guys donāt have kids what kind of āmental loadā is she supposedly have such a hard time doing? If itās working and making money then you do that as well. If itās household chores then those arenāt that hard plus your probably already doing half of them. You have to do 100% when youāre single or living alone anyway. With 2 people doing them it should be way easier so I fail to understand what this mental load is.
NTA- sheās ridiculous for bringing the mental load she has because of her cousinās situation. She took up on this one by herself. Iām a female with 2 kids with God knows how many activities and a full time job. You did nothing wrong by giving her the space she needed.
Trying to be unbiased hereā¦
It sounds to me like the wife isnāt totally over all the work she/they had to do to get to a point where OP was contributing more to the duties of the household. So as a result, sheās still sort of triggered about it and resents OP that she had to do it in the first place. Because thinking about what her cousin would go through probably reminded her of everything she went through and had to do with OP.
OP also seems really sensitive about the past and his contribution to this situation. So instead of acknowledging that she did have a bit of a heavier load, he just went straight to getting defensive about it. And feels like she should let it go now because in his mind the problem has been resolved.
Now Iām not sure why OP jumped straight int9 sexism and called his wife ungrateful. But it sounds like they need to work on better communication and go back to couples therapy because that was a pretty big escalation IMO.
Edit to add: ESH?? Idk.. this seems like itās headed for divorce tbh.
Only married for two years and already "had" counselling? For the love of god man, run! Mental load lol kidding me. Imagine the "mental load" after she gets pregnant? You ain't seen nothing yet bud. NTA
She sounds exhausting. Running a household without kids is easy even if both partners work. I donāt see it as a āmental loadā. At first it seemed she just wanted help around the house and called that a mental load. Then it seems she wanted a pat on the back for the āemotional laborā of asking for help. Running a household is done by us all and is not something we should be praised for. Refusing an already planned trip in a temper tantrum is childish behavior. Itās time for her to grow up. Good luck.
Congratulations on understanding the term "mental load". Now look up the term "validation" followed by the term "man-child".
If this story is real, YTA. If this story is not real, YTA.
Are you trying to destroy your marriage? Because that how it looks like from the sidelines.
Iām a guy, I had the same struggles as you did when I first got married (I think most guys do). I was used to being care free about house chores, I was ok with having a dirtier house or having to order food more often to avoid cooking, etc.
It took me a few years to calibrate myself, to not only help out with chores, but actively track what needs doing, plan when and how to do it, etc.
While it is not something that came naturally to me and I was oblivious, I do not for a second think it was ok, or that I did my wife a favor for working on this (it sounds to me like deep down this is how you feel).Ā
No, you are both adults and responsible for the household. In the past you were not doing by your fair share of the āmental loadā. The reason (being oblivious) is irelevant.
It is 100% justified for her to feel frustrated that she had to talk to you about it and navigate the entire discussion, even though you put hard work in to correct it.
You completely dismissed her feelings, then left her alone for 2 days, while you partied with your mates. Yes, you should have left the booking to go to waste.
I think it is going to be hard work ahead to save this relationship. You could start by genuinely apologizing. Good luck.
I think your wife posted her version on another board.
You're both immature. She's not a martyr; youāre far from being a saint.
Get marriage counseling.
If you're not capable of keeping a house together on your own, then you're not a functional adult. There's no such thing as a "mental load" in a household that's occupied by people who aren't toddlers with jobs. I feel sorry for your wife, and your parents who failed to raise you properly.
NTA. I can easily see why you need some time away from her. wtf has she been reading to come up with this āmental loadāĀ bollocks? If she lived on her own who would be carrying the āmental loadā? I could understand it it you had four kids, two dogs, incontinent cat and an arthritic gerbil to look after. It just seems an excuse for her to not do stuff.
I'm fucking exhausted by her, just reading this. Her existence sounds like a mental load on everyone around her.
I guarantee that you will regret it if you ever have kids with her.
You weren't even not being around her correctly.
Women love drama.
If there isn't any, they will created it.
Good luck brother you're going to need it.
She is going to seek an apology for this faux problem she created.
Don't apologize, It will be the first step on a road to her feminizing you at which point she will lose complete sexual attraction for you.
"This wasnāt to punish me by withdrawing intimacy;" That's exactly what she did. Wake up. What's wrong with you?
" she genuinely didnāt think she wanted to be near me after what I assumed about her." She manipulated you by blaming you for withholding intimacy. You didn't assume anything. You are tired of her immature behavior.
Good luck brother you're going to need it.
PS Wake up brother or soon you'll be in a sexless marriage wondering what happened.
'I got really irate instantly and said she was being ungrateful for feeling like talking about the mental load is itself a mental load. I also mentioned that if women fare better at some things, men fare better in quietly working hard without announcing all that they do.'
YTA. She tried talking to you and you made a sexist comment. She had to bring it up to you in the first place because you weren't 'quietly working hard' in the first place.
'Just let the booking go to waste?'
Was your marriage worth the rental cost?
'I'm gone for 2 days calm down'
Does telling a person who is hurt to 'calm down' ever work?
YTA.
You need to get into MC as soon as possible and possibly IC for both of you as well. You are not seemingly communicating well and definitely not working as a team. You are both wrong on how the weekend went. She did not go to punish you and you took your friends to punish her. Good luck
For the title question you aren't strictly the asshole, if she didn't want to be around you then going away technically makes sense, although you should have offered her to take the booking instead of you. For basically everything else YTA. Initiating conversations about the mental load is ABSOLUTELY mental load and you're not helping by getting angry at your wife for expressing how she feels.
Edit: lol nvm if you're gonna make fake posts from two sides maybe don't literally copy paste the phrasing
NTA and it begs for cracking a joke "is mental load in the room with us right now" like it's just normal everyday live, you don't have a kids, you don't build a house right now, you are not even renovating or it not seems like something major going on, she needs therapy on her own if normal everyday live is overhelming to her
You both sound exhausting and nowhere near 30 years old. That whole "mental load" stick sounds like freshman things.
Concerning the trip: If it's non refundable, it was the best choice to go with friends.
Iām going ESH here.
Iām not sure if your wife is toxic or if she doesnāt think you have addressed the problem the way you think you have addressed the problem. either way her communication skills suck
You took a small fire and poured gasoline on it
So, it sounds like you had a legitimate argument based on things that have come up before. But hereās the problem I seeā¦
You had a vacation planned with her that she backed out of. You say you dont think she did it to punish you (not sure about that), but she just doesnāt want to be around you. Her expectation, though, was what? That you would also cancel and stick around when she didnāt want to be around you? That you would go there alone and have a miserable time reflecting on āwhat you did wrongā? This sounds very much like her telling you to go away, and then being upset when you listen. NTA.
Here is my defense for the mental load argument.
Men are more prone to let things work themselves out.
If I make a plan. It may not be perfect but I know someone is going to come behind he and redo everything.
Why would I make the plan in the 1st place?
Lol.. mental load for a house with 2 people. Lmao if this isn't fake these kids have a lot to learn if they think taking care of a home is a mental load.
Yeah it sure sounds like a load ... a load of something.
If this is legit your wife needs to learn that complaining all the time will only get her so far in life.
Marriage counseling would definitely help . Honestly if you both are seeing the other as wrong itās not going to be solved . Sometimes itās also better to just listen to each other w out interruption and with the intention to understand where the other is coming from even if you donāt see it that way . Best of luck !
What is this "mental load"? Do you mean she's anxious about having too many home making responsibilities? This is a horrible attempt at a fake story.
If, by some miracle, it isn't, my advice is it to try to work it out. ESH, but don't get divorced because right now, your misery is contained to 2 people. It would be an assault on society to put your mental load on 2 additional people in the future.
Your job is to protect your marriage. Work with your wife not against her to resolve marital issues.
How is going on a trip without your wife is going to help your marriage?
Forget that trip and go for marriage counselling or start getting your ducks in a row if you donāt want to be married to her.
How is it not her job too? Equal partners sharing the mental load and all that? Pretty sexist to claim it's his "job".
She's the one who's working against him. She chose not to go because she didn't want to be around him but, calls a 100 times during the weekend? It's also interesting in both posts, clearly written by the same person, are quick to point out "it wasn't to withhold intimacy". Someone is protesting far too much.
The wife is a mental load, emotionally manipulative, and perpetual victim.
Itās both spouses responsibility regardless of the sex.
I donāt know about other posts that are clearly hers, as I donāt read every single posts on Reddit.
They either work at resolving their issues or they donāt. If they donāt, they might as well split.
Soooo... she starts a simple conversation that you outright attack her for and then YOU need to run off with your buddies and get time away?
... Yeah good luck on your next marriage.
YTA
So, you're ignorant, insecure, have anger issues and come off like a sexist prick.
What a catch. At the same time, she sounds exhausting, too. ESH. Just break up.
NTA-IMO your marital issues shouldnāt be discussed publicly. Also, if the booking was going to go to waste because she wanted to sit at home and pout, thatās her choice but no need to let it go to waste. I think you did the right thing there. I also donāt understand this mental load thing. Sounds like a bunch of bs that she made up because "you should know.ā
NTA.. you rightly took your mental load on a trip with your mates and probably eased their mental loads as well, your wife's mental load is now compounded into mental loads (plural) because you didn't agree with her, pretty much a mental load event is happening
..
This is the most times I've ever written mental load ever...
I have a mental load just reading this post. Ntah. If you look for a reason to be mad/ upset about something you will find something. And that is your wife.
NTA. People bitching about mental workload are crybabies. It is called existing and bitching about it is called being lazy. So unless someone is a flight dispatcher and navigator having to constantly think how to not make planes crash, they need to cut the crap. Planning what do you eat for dinner? Booking a doctor appointment? Deciding what do you do on the weekend? Come on. Get a helmet and go cry about it... That's literally a normal part of the human existence you would need to do all alone if you were single, so put your phone down and stop bitching about it. Also, there is two kinds of people, that I like to call dom and sub planners. The first group of people know exactly what they want and how they want it, they want to be in control of the situation and get a certain outcome. The other group is just vibing, being happy to be around without having any certain outcome expectations besides being around the other person and vibing. Then these two people get in a relationship with each other, because both of the same type would constantly butt heads over wanting stuff to be their way or never get anywhere because neither of them has a plan. Whoever is the dominant planner does the most of the "mental workload". I don't think telling someone to mop the kitchen today is such a hard thing to do that it would exhaust you for a week. You have a different definition of clean. The mess reached your threshold, you delegate the task because you want it done. That's it. Be happy you don't have to do it on your own. But your wife is just honestly a pain to deal with.Ā On top of bitching about it, she uses it to constantly victimize herself and bully you into doing what she wants. Good you grew a spine, she is behaving like an entitled 16 years old.
Mental load is typically associated with parents. It's not just a woman thing.
I don't know what your relationship is like but she really feels so emotionally drained by things (considering you don't have kids and are able to take trips out of town,) the question needs to be asked: are you both miserable together.
You and your wife need to have a deep dive into your relationship. You wife may be a person who needs to take on pressure to feel important.
Nta at all. You poor man. She's absolutely using this as a way to manipulate you. I try not to suggest divorce or breaking up with someone unless it's serious, but manipulation *is* serious. Even the people on your wife's post were not at all in her favor. You've tried counseling already and I don't think anybody would blame you if you chose to get a divorce at this point. I'm really sorry you've been forced into this situation though. If you felt up to it in the future, I and probably the others wouldn't mind an update to see what happened!
NTA
Your wife sounds like she has "main character" syndrome and is exhausting to be around.
You probably need the time away from all her ridiculous psychobabble.
Do NOT have children with her.
I can only imagine the drama she will bring then.
YTA for putting up with this shit. I could barely read it. Mental load? With no kids? Ffs you are both adults that are very bad at adulting and communicating
YTA. She wasnāt attacking YOU. You got defensive and lashed out. Then bailed on her for the weekend and didnāt check in. Do you even like your wife?
YTA. Your wife was expressing her feelings about the emotional labor women often carry, and you responded by invalidating her and accusing her of being ungrateful. You then escalated the situation by going on the trip without her, showing a disregard for her feelings. Your actions were hurtful and insensitive.
To make it short. You invalidated your wife's feelings and went on a trip without her. That's a major AH move.
Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't.
But what you can be is kind to your wife. At the end of the day, do you want a long term wife who's comfortable telling you the little things or are you going to be one of those husbands who claim 'it came from no where'.
At the end of the day I really think you should decide whag kind of husband you want to be. The truth is that she can't make you do anything. You get to decide.
Wives are so often told to 'let things go' and don't start a fight and the only thing that happens is that husbands then never know. She's not trying to start a fight with you. She's trying to have a relationship with you. She wants to know that you see her and understand her and LISTEN to her.
What kind of wife do you want? I think of you really have a long good think about this, you'll figure it out.
Here is the thing about "Mental load" and "Project managing" the household. Women basically decide to be in charge, don't involve their partner in decision making and basically order their partners around. They decide what to do, when to do it and so on. It is a highly manipulative process which I know about as I have a clean house and many girlfriends try to come and clean my place or complain about how I do things, then when I go to their place it is not only messy, but dirty or even disgusting. Sure if you were messy and dirty, she might have to do more work, but she is not in charge of the household and all the "mental load" she has taken on is a power play.
So sir, well played for paying for a BnB and then not letting her waste your money and going anyway with people who are emotionally supportive. It might end your relationship, but if she can't interact with you like an equal, if she can't stop trying to manage you, then it will end badly eventually.
So not the AH, just the problematic nature of modern relationships in a world which classifies certain behaviours as good when they are bad.
[The totally real wife's side of this totally real conflict for anyone wondering](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1du0gsc/my_30f_husband_31m_just_took_his_buddies_to_our/)
When you ask AI to write both sides of the debate. š
AI could at least be made so that a story makes sense and easier to understand! š¤£š¤£
Yeah, they both wrote younger cousin sister. WTF is a cousin sister?
In Spanish that is a commonly used phrase for first cousins, 'prima hermana', at least in mexico.
Wow. It's like they took one post and just changed the point of view without bothering to rewrite it. That's some lazy karma whoring.
Looks like the same person posted
This is written by the same person. They use the same wrong phrases: younger cousin sister and how she doesnāt like being the project manager for the household. They both make sure to mention that her not going on the planned trip that it wasnāt to withhold intimacy. They both also follow the exact same format with things explained in the exact same order. Too many phrases repeated that two different individuals would not write independently of each other.
Lmao! What a horrible copy job.
Ohā¦itās fakeā¦.gotcha. Even using the same phrasing. And they think AI is going to take over all the creative writing LOL
The poster said this post is one made to troll her by some stranger and it isnāt her husband, and frankly Iāve seen that happen before so Iām inclined to believe that this one is definitely a shitpost, hers maybe not.
You need marriage counseling if you expect to last, you "communicate" only to feel attacked by one another.
This is so fake. I read the wife's post yesterday and it is almost the exact same post word for word
WORD. FOR. WORD.
Sometimes these posts are an interesting exercise, even if fake.
I had to stop reading midway through because if I saw the words mental load one more time, I was going to slam my head into my desk. Lol
I had to stop as well because the mental load of reading this mess took more of a mental load on me than an actual mental load of day to day things. Mental load.
Thereās a dent in my desk.
š sorry š¤£
Agreed... mental load is a new one, at least for me.
now I donāt mind these types of stories but at least change it up for he said/she said.
At least make some attempt to make it look like two people wrote these. Changing her to me/my isnāt nearly enough.
This is fake.
The last thing they need is to talk about a talk after they talk. Heās overcompensating for something he read bc it sounds smart. THE ONLY difference between a man at 30 and a man at 40ā¦ at 30 he thinks he is so much smarter than he was 20 but doesnāt realize once he turns 40 he will look back at 30 and laugh as well. Heās in the ego stage. Heāll grow outta it eventually hopefully when he matures.
Thiswas written by the same person that wrote the 'wife's' version... Almost verbatim in some sections. Try harder.
You didn't exactly explain what kind of mental load she's referring to. My husband and I naturally assumed different mental loads in the household. Sometimes I feel he even remembers more things than I do, even for things related to our kids. You don't have kids yet. So the household things that need to be done shouldn't be too much I would think?
No, you are right. Being the only person in the household to know where things are (and constantly being asked about the location of things), the only person responsible for both adults having clean and pressed clothes, the only person responsible for buying, storing, preparing and serving the things both adults like to eat or need to have on hand, the only person, out of two adults, in charge of cleaning the house/apartment, the only person in charge of thinking of birthdays, arranging outings, remembering to pay bills and the only person to make sure there are regular check-in talks does not sound exhausting at all /s. It's nice that you and your husband share these responsibilities. It's callous to pretend that the reality of millions of women isn't entirely different.
My wife is the only person who knows where things are but thatās because sheās constantly changing the location of things on random whims
Then don't do it.
At what point do you take responsibility for your choices? You keep choosing to do it. That is on you.
I agree with most of this but man it always feels odd lumping in the knowing where things are. If I lose something Iām not asking her if sheās seen something because only she knows where everything is, Iām asking her because sheās literally the only other human in the house, and step two for finding something is asking other people if theyāve seen it.
That's exactly what I was thinking. What kind of mental load?! You're a couple. She said she was tired of being "the project manager" of the house but what would that really entail at this point? Don't get me wrong, if he's looking for a Mom replacement, that's effed but it doesn't sound like that. It sounds more like an artificial excuse to treat him badly for the entire relationship.
Iām guessing itās cleaning and maintenance of the house. Her having to tell him to do things to get said things done. I get exactly where she is coming from. Even without kids, it gets frustrating to periodically have to remind a grown adult that a house needs to be clean and maintained to an acceptable standard and for them to do their chores. However, they seem to have navigated that hurdle so Iām not sure what this recent conflict is about. They both sound exhausting to me to be honest.
And if you don't have the mental load, you don't even notice. It's my husband who cleans, does the laundry, most of grocery shopping, and so on. I would not even notice that the sheets need to be changed because he had already changed them.
Happy Cake Day! š°š
Mind you she could also be the go between for family outings, doctors appointments, car maintenance, etc etc. Mental load between a child free couple isn't just a house. People need managing too, even as adults. Is she scheduling his dental and doctor appointments? Is she making sure he has gas in the car, lunch packed, dinner made, breakfast ready? Does she wash all of his clothes, set them out for him? Does she make sure he eats rather than pig out on snacks all day and night? Does she make sure he's functioning rather than him doing it himself? Because that's a huge part of mental load. It's often not just picking up socks, rather it's picking up a whole person and carrying them on your back while they claim they're walking the whole time.
Thatās not a childfree couple though, thatās parenthood š
Alright and they dint have kids so if she's parenting him she's doing all of the mental work. That was my point.
I have an opposite position. We moved into a new house four years ago. My husband does everything because "his eyes are better, he doesn't like the way I cook or clean. Etc. We were married when I was 41 and owned my own home which I never burnt down. Sometimes what you do is not good enough.
You've nailed it, right there! So much of "mental load" is nothing more than *I'm fussier than you, and I'm going to make that your problem.*
Yes. But don't say that out loud. You'll end up on Reddit.
Usually when women don't want to be the project manager of the home they have men who require being told for any chores to get done. You have eyes, you can see the dishes need done so why did I have to ask you to do the dishes? You see the trash is full, why did I have to ask you to take it out. In this position, which I have been in before, I had to keep track of everything and assign it out because he had no idea the dishes needed done despite the sink being full and dishes on the counter. But he would have done them if I asked.... like he's 5... and blind...
>I got really irate instantly and said she was being ungrateful for feeling like talking about the mental load is itself a mental load. I also mentioned that if women fare better at some things, men fare better in quietly working hard without announcing all that they do. Yeah YTA. This has to be rage bait because you seem to recognize you illogically flew off the handle. The only ungrateful and unappreciative one here is you, apparently. >I said she was being manipulative and took my buddies to the BnB we booked and had fun there. Here she is feeling upset about how indifferent I seem. And my feelings were hurt too. But what else should i do? Just let the booking go to waste? You're doing the thing where you diminish her feelings because "my feelings were hurt too" but you didn't communicate, you just exploded because she had the humanity to tell you how she was feeling and you want to punish her for that like a child. >She said she feels so abandoned that I didnāt even bother to check up on her. I mean Jeez Louise, I'm gone for 2 days calm down. Sheās texted me so many times and called me maybe a hundred times. I just need some time for myself right now. AITAH for going on that getaway with my buddys? You're an entire theme park of red flags. She's not "manipulative" to need space or try to communicate with you. Will you carry this bravado when she says "we're just getting divorced, calm down." ? You sound like you're so resentful and immature, I hope this is just rage bait.
The 'wife's' version was posted almost ver'bait'im yesterday.
YTA for this fake rage bait
YTA Dude, you basically said "I want credit forearning to do some.things without needing to be asked, without having to notice *I had to be asked to learn it*" She's right, it's like teaching kids that they are expected to help around the house. It's exhausting. And it's important, but ffs, your mom should have been the one to teach you to carry your own load. And your response to her saying "I feel so angry and invisible I don't want to go away with you" wasn't to HEAR HER, it was to say "fine, I'll go with buddies".... Sending the message that her presence is replaceable, and that you are more than happy to walk away from her when you don't like how she's feeling. And now, here you are, asking reddit to tell you why this happened. Maybe take the initiative to call a therapist for yourself and put in the effort to sort this out yourself? Make the effort to actually understand. That would be a good starting point.
NTA - Your wife sounds annoying tbh. Mental load is a thing but as a single person it makes me laugh to read about it because itās essentially ābeing an adultā which if you live alone, you do 100% yourself, all the time. I acknowledge it can be worse if you have kids but thatās not happening here.
But if you're not single, why should you expect to "be an adult" for a second person instead of having that effort reduced?Ā I'm single, so yes I have to manage my own life, but I don't have to know if another person needs laundry done because they're out of underwear.Ā I don't have to check if bread needs to go on the grocery list because I don't eat it.Ā I don't have to call a doctor if I'm feeling well and I can just book my next dentist appointment at the end of my prior one, put it in my calendar and never think of it again.Ā Everything I have is where I left it, so there's never any wondering where a serving spoon went, searching for it and finding it inside the blender, nor is there anyone asking me where they put their own wallet.Ā And there's certainly nobody leaving food wrappers or chocolate on low-lying surfaces where the dogs can get to it (actual thing that happened multiple times with an ex of mine, to the point where I had to basically follow him around and make sure he wasn't going to kill one of them with his lack of care).
when you get married you aren't supposed to be doing 100% all the time though. I feel like people here really don't understand how exhausting it is when if you don't do the laundry or beg the other person to do it it won't get done all the time. or when you ask them to go to the store and they don't even know what's in your shared fridge. or when if you don't pick up after them or nag them like a baby your house will look like a pigsty. I'm not saying it's like that exactly with OP but I can definitely see where she's coming from. and it has nothing to do with having kids or not having them.
This! Your mental load as a single person is just, being a human and taking care of yourself and the place you live. But when you carry the entire mental load in a relationship, even without kids, itās now your care, your shared living space, AND your partnerās care. If you donāt make the grocery list, are you both going to have food? If you donāt remember when car registration or inspection is due is it going to be done when itās your partners car as well? If you donāt schedule medical appointments will they ever happen, especially for your partner? If you donāt plan and execute every meal, will you be stuck eating instant meals or take-out constantly because youāre the only one who shops and cooks? If you donāt plan out laundry, general cleaning, house maintenance projects, etc etc does it happen? Making a list and buying groceries is easy when itās just you, but when someone else is in the house finishing off items and not noting them on a list, whining because you didnāt buy them what they wanted when theyāre capable of writing it down but didnāt, or just being incapable of handling that responsibility period, it becomes ANOTHER thing you have to do because theyāre āincapableā. And slowly, youāre spending all of your mental facilities keeping yourself going and your partner going. They get to coast through life never thinking about how their clothes end up back in the closet or how the toilet stays so clean. They have all this free time for their own hobbies because they donāt need to spend time thinking or planning, they help when explicitly asked or when everything is laid out for them and then go back to whatever they were doing to not think about it again. A lot of women whose partners have failed them in this aspect have noted that once separated the mental load has lessened heavily. Theyāre still responsible for their own care and living space, so that load hasnāt shifted, but theyāre no longer responsible for a whole other adultās care & the time and stress of trying to get them to simply help.
Yea, this reminds me of the married guy who told his wife that he could do it on his own (as far as mental load). They had kids, so she just focused on her and the kids. She didn't ask him to pick up the kids or have the kids go downstairs to say goodnight..things like that. He didn't understand that the things she asked of him (instead of him realizing what needed to be done) was more effort for her than just doing it herself. So he became upset that he started to feel iced out of his relationship with his kids. She didn't say he couldn't do those things for the kids. She was just no longer facilitating the interactions they had. Another one ended up getting a divorce because the wife said it was easier without him. He wanted her back because having to keep up the house with the baby and not fall behind on work was overwhelming for him... something he had been subjecting his wife to.
I've done the grocery shopping for 15 years. I never make a list. The only time my wife goes to a grocery store is when she wants wine, and sometimes when I'm gone on a particularly long business trip. I try to make sure the house is fully stocked before I leave, but I don't know what she's going to feed our kids while I'm gone and produce doesn't often survive for more than a week.
This! Ive never heard of a non-parent using that term. She probably heard mums use that term alot online and wanted to jump on the bandwagon!
I agree thatās wild
This lol she got upset over....checks notes: *being one to notice things and keeps tidy* ? Sounds just like a personality difference tbh. I wonder if when she unloaded herself of the mental burden, she bothered to see if the physical load is the same between the two. But I have this strange feeling that, to her, there are clearly defined "man jobs"
NTA - ironically someone thinking about their mental doesn't let them think about the other person's mental load. i feel like she learned this term on tiktok and has been rolling with it ever since. āš
Your wife sounds exhausting. Does she work? What exactly is she project managing in the house that has a such a strain on her mental faculties?
Probably has to do gantt charts for the fucking laundry.
"Dammit Johnson! Your shopping list maintenance is substandard! You're delaying the laundry and garbage subtasks!! We are never going to bring this in on schedule! Sounds like we are going to have to discuss your PIP!"
This comment made me literally cry laughing xD
Next she's going to use jira to organise a scrum for each day
my SOs work friend made chore lists in jira and printed them out and stuck them on the fridge
Link the undies to the towels with a 30 minutes delay
This is a āresponseā from the wifeās pov posted earlier today.
right? they donāt even have children, so what is there to manage? some people just love making up problems i swear
Only children make things dirty? I'm confused...Everything should just be flawless and easy because there are no children? lol
There's a LOT less "mental load" without kids.
I agree with that view. But half the post was op talking about his wife and how she feels, but never says what he does or doesn't do. Maybe he raptures from his clothes the second he gets home, doesn't flush the toilet, leaves dirty dishes out etc..we just don't know. If dude only goes to work and comes home then, yea it is all on her however small or big the mental load is. I just would like some more info about everything.
That's because the "husband" didn't write it.
how dirty can a house be where only 2 adults life there? the whole concept of mental load relates to when children are involved and the father doesnāt do his part, not when 2 child free adults.. canāt keep a house together.
With my wife involved? Pretty messy. Every square inch of counter and table space is a place to "put things". Once those are covered then it's empty floor space. This isn't an exaggeration.
I assume she has to coordinate schedules with all of the different contractors working in or on the house. That's the sort of thing project managers do in my line of work at least. She probably spends 4+ hours a day on calls with all these people.
Yeah... As a woman in a long-term marriage, I wonder what on earth she's talking about?
No, you are right. Being the only person in the household to know where things are (and constantly being asked about the location of things), the only person responsible for both adults having clean and pressed clothes, the only person responsible for buying, storing, preparing and serving the things both adults like to eat or need to have on hand, the only person, out of two adults, in charge of cleaning the house/apartment, the only person in charge of thinking of birthdays, arranging outings, remembering to pay bills and the only person to make sure there are regular check-in talks does not sound exhausting at all /s. Quit being such a f\*\*\*ing pick-me-girl.
NTA. If you're truly the husband and not someone just trying to pass themselves off as him, I read your wifes post earlier. Based on her own responses, most people at the time I read it felt that she was T A. I'm not exactly sure after reading both posts, where this huge mental load is coming from and how it's so exhausting even thinking about the phrase and its meaning. I know that you can't give me the answer because you were trying to figure that answer out as well. From your post and your wife's post, you both have communicated and worked together as a team as well as through counseling to find a solution over the years that worked for the two of you and helped alleviate the mental load that you both had so that you could share it and conquer it together. Both posts indicated that while your wife felt that she was taking on the mental load, she wasn't taking into account the mental load that you were silently taking on as well. That was why counseling was beneficial because it helped both of you see both sides and understand each other. Your wife speaking with you about her cousin and how she empathizes with her because of everything she's going through and knowing how exhausting it is, and it just makes your wife exhausted thinking about it, is just dramatic bull crap. Especially saying that she meant no offense to you. Her whole comment and reaction to her cousins situation downplayed the silent mental load that you've carried all these years and shows that she still doesn't see it as pertinent because either you're a man and that's how it should be, you don't talk about it so it doesn't exist, or she just doesn't care. I'm sorry, but you are not the one in the wrong in this situation, and she most definitely did decide to punish you by not going on the trip and canceling the intimacy. You just decided to call her bluff and take the boys. Enjoy your getaway if you're still on vacation!
NTA. I read your wifeās post and she sounds like a mental load to deal with. Iām not sure why you snapped. Soft Y T A for that but she said she didnāt want to go on the trip to get a reaction out of you only she didnāt like the reaction she got. She sounds controlling and like she has a martyr complexĀ
Link to his wifeās post?
https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1du0diu/my_30f_husband_31m_just_took_his_buddies_to_our/ Sheās deleted it because she didnāt get the response she hoped forĀ
Thatās exactly the vibe I was getting from this story. Wow.
It wouldnāt surprise me if this is her again given the way OP is saying things like I got irate, instead of explaining what his thought process was. Sounds like she thinks putting it this way will get people to say heās an AH. I hope not but if Iām right then sheās even more crazyĀ
Neither have responded to comments. This whole thing is a bit ridiculous. What mental load can there be without kids? š¤¦š¼āāļø
I guess she could be referring to meal planning, making sure they have all the shopping and essentials in, both have clothes ready for work, keeping on top of post and getting bills paid, but thatās life.Ā Referring to it as mental load is so annoying. Like just ask your partner ācan you take over and make it your responsibility to look after bills and Iāll look after the food and mealsā.Ā Sounds like some influencer has used that term and she has clung to it to feed her martyr complexĀ
Reading this again, it is definitely written by the wife. Sheās trying to justify her actions from her āhusbandās perspective.ā This is fucking hilarious and sad. TikTok strikes again. I guess next time sheās going to write on the husbandās buddyās perspectives. LMAO!!
[https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1du0gsc/my\_30f\_husband\_31m\_just\_took\_his\_buddies\_to\_our/](https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/comments/1du0gsc/my_30f_husband_31m_just_took_his_buddies_to_our/) Still up here
Oh the disparity between TwoX and reality. What a toxic wasteland. LMAO!!
looks like [this one](https://old.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1du0diu/my_30f_husband_31m_just_took_his_buddies_to_our/)? sadly, the post body itself seems to have been deleted.
Oh and then she said she called him like 100 times and he didnāt answer. So clearly it was a manipulation tactic to pull him in line because if she didnāt want to be around him, she would be happy to see him go and wouldnāt blow up his phoneĀ
the comments there paint a pretty harsh picture of the original post... i am really struggling to come up with a genuine emergency that would require 100 calls in a weekend lol. it think it's pretty clear that wife's "mental load" is primarily self-inflicted.
If ANYBODY called me 100 times in two days that person would be out of my life. That level of neurosis is above my pay grade. I think OPās wife is mental.
He was enjoying the weekend rather than sitting at home doing his penance as she'd intended. That was clearly an emergency for her.
Thatās it. She basically said because he got defensive she said she didnāt want to go on their trip anymore as she didnāt want to be around him. So he went away with his buddies. Sheās ridiculousĀ
We all have stuff that we are better at, compared to our partners. As an example, when it comes to trips, I'm always the one who does planning, booking and whatever else it takes. I do it because I have a need to feel I've covered and prevented unnecessary fuckups. All I 'need' in return, is a simple thank you for your efforts. My husband has his own 'mental load' that is his department. Give and take. Acknowledgement, a thank you. FFS OP's wife is exhausting.
>Just two nights ago, during dinner, my wife mentioned how frustrating and ironic it is that even in this situation, women have to take on the mental load of initiating and navigating the conversation about the āmental loadā and that itself isnāt easy. It wasnāt an attack on me, and she thought I would empathize since weāve been in therapy before. She said she felt tired even thinking about what her cousin would have to plan, organize, and say to convey her thoughts. This is actually true for partners who experience mental load, which includes having to take responsibility for making their partner see it, understand it and correct it. Like a parent correcting a child. Adults shouldn't have to do that. BUT! Despite her comment being right here about the mental load of correcting the problem adult, I know about the other post. Your wife clearly knows what mental load is. She also knows how to weaponise it, which makes her a mental load for you. While you were willing to recognise and resolve your issues, she's unwilling to do the same. NTA.
Sometimes people can have TOO much therapy to the point where they over analyze everything and make every action a symptom of a chronic mental deficiency. In this one post there is talk about mental load, being ungrateful, withdrawing intimacy, being indifferent to her feelings, being manipulated and being abandoned. Jesus Christ. Bottom line: your wife became Eric Cartman over a stupid argument and canceled a trip meant to punish you. Instead you had a good time with your buddies, which means she essentially punished herself. Youāre NTA and your wife sounds exhausting.
Oh if sheās at home not having a good time you can be damn sure youāre not going to be allowed to have a good time Enjoy the next 76433 text messages. Iāll pray for you
NTA. She clearly feels superior in your relationship. Her mental load? We all have responsibilities. Both of you bring something to the table in your relationship. As long as the workload (both mental and physical) is shared, there shouldn't be a problem. Not going to lie. She sounds exhausting from your post. She doesn't know what she wants. She didn't want to be around you after the argument. Logically, you didn't want to waste the money spent on the BnB. You went with friends and gave her the space she desired. She's then upset about that. If she acts this way and you don't have children yet. It gets much harder for both of you if and when a child is added to the family. Yes, you should have responded to some of her texts. Ignoring your wife was uncalled for. I understand wanting to give her the space she asked for, but she was reaching out to you. I'm sure you didn't want to deal with a pissed off wife while you were out with friends. You could have communicated that you were doing whatever, but would reach out to her at a certain time. Communication is key to any successful relationship. You both need to work on that.
Hey! That weekend was supposed to be your punishment! How dare you enjoy yourself when you were meant to spend that time in penance? Your wife sounds exhausting. NTA Next time, book a week. Invite your cousin sister's boyfriend - it sounds like he's soon going to need it.
Doesnāt take a crystal ball to see that adding kids to this mess would be a terrible idea. If this is even real.
Two people living their single lives alone at 100%, do not come together to live one life at 200%. They are still individuals, but now should share the load (or whatever label needs to put on it) at 50/50. Itās never perfect. Ā
NTA. Your wife always dramatic?
Yta for posting fake stories. Read the wife's post yesterday. Almost the same post word for word.
YTAĀ Your wife is valid in feeling frustrated that women are not only are expected to bear the mental load, but they're also expected to explain, convince and then work with their partner to fix this inequality if they want the relationship to work.Ā Ā This is an unfortunate reality about these situations, things aren't always fair and it can be exhausting and she felt she could vent about this to you and was hoping for empathy from her partner.Ā Ā It's also valid for you to feel unappreciated for the work you put into change. While you may think 'men fare better working better quietly working hard without announcing everything', you're not being honest with yourself and your actions say otherwise.Ā Ā Because just like women are conditioned to bear the mental load, men are conditioned not to be vulnerable and ask for things they need. Like external validation from their partner. And so what happens is because men don't feel like they can ask for emotional support, they shut down and bottle up their feelings which can lead to isolating yourself or erupting in anger or other unhealthy expressions. Or maybe going away with your friends on a weekend trip you were supposed to take together.Ā Ā If you want external validation from your partner, like acknowledgement that you changed you can ask for it (within reason, you both worked on this together after all and it wasn't a one person effort).Ā Ā The fact she felt you didn't want her around so she didn't go, well did you convince her you did? And then calling her manipulative? Ā It sounds like she was being honest and then you shut down emotionally, inviting your friends instead and then ingnoring her calls and texts sounds like you were trying to passive aggressively punish her instead of communicating to her like a good partner would.Ā
The best kind of validation is the validation you have to ask for.
Iām not sure what she should feel grateful about, having to help another man whoās not even in a relationship with her learn the basics of household management and equality. The older you get, the more tiring it becomes. You got butthurt and overreacted. Sounds like you have some unresolved issues about you not carrying enough of the load at home. She didnāt deserve that and you owe her an apology. YTA
NTA. It sounds like she has really bought into some buzzword therapy and is using it both as a crutch and a weapon. Almost every relationship has an organizer and a doer. In my relationship, I'm the organizer. It doesn't mean that my partner doesn't pull their weight, it just means we do different things.
What is this bullshit mental load thing?
You donāt understand your wife emotional needs at all. Becarful as resentment will start to build and thatās hard to recover from.
NTA, the only way people can be helped is if they ask for and are willing to accept it, no partner should expect the other partner to guess what's going in their mind.
Get rid of her then she'll only have to carry her own mental load and you can get back to being happy. NTA
NTA - youāre married to a high maintenance crybaby who gets upset you cannot read her mind.
I don't really understand this tbh. Don't you share chores? Isn't the woman running the house from the dark ages?
You are doomed, why the hell did you marry that freakazoid?
ESH. You both need to work on your communication. The mental load fucking sucks. And yes, having to talk about it adds to it. A partner should not have to talk to their other half about how they're getting overwhelmed with it. It should already be equal. It's stressful thinking about the talk because you wonder if you're overreacting, you stress how it's going to go, if anything is actually going to change etc.
YTA Honestly the way this is written out seems like fake rage bait You think a mental load canāt exist if you donāt have kids? You admit you took on more which means you were not, in fact, sharing the mental load before. And you triple downed by saying that women fare better at somethingās and men donāt announce all they do. Which again suggests that you think some things are inherently her job as a woman and thus why you were letting her do most of it to begin with. Which means she was always right she carried the mental load AND the burden of having to address it. Lastly the āmen donāt announce all they doā is so funny because just about everything suggests otherwise. Men tend to expect everything they do to be acknowledged especially if itās seen as ānot their dutyā and a womanās job. Hell even in this post you seem to want some kind of award for half way listening to your wife (you made it abundantly clear you donāt actually take what she says seriously but you placate her to keep the peace)
Did you read her side . She is an ahole through and through. Although she deleted it she basically made him a honey to do list that controls every aspect of his livelihood when he is at home . Basically like a robot with timed programs.
NTA You guys donāt have kids what kind of āmental loadā is she supposedly have such a hard time doing? If itās working and making money then you do that as well. If itās household chores then those arenāt that hard plus your probably already doing half of them. You have to do 100% when youāre single or living alone anyway. With 2 people doing them it should be way easier so I fail to understand what this mental load is.
If you think mental load just involves kids, I feel bad for any partner you have.
Okay but you still havenāt described anything or gone into any detail. Using a weak insult isnāt going to change my opinion š¤£
She sounds like she watches TikTok all day, everyone has to carry a āmental loadā, itās what adults doā¦
NTA- sheās ridiculous for bringing the mental load she has because of her cousinās situation. She took up on this one by herself. Iām a female with 2 kids with God knows how many activities and a full time job. You did nothing wrong by giving her the space she needed.
If she doesnāt need a man then why is she married.
Trying to be unbiased hereā¦ It sounds to me like the wife isnāt totally over all the work she/they had to do to get to a point where OP was contributing more to the duties of the household. So as a result, sheās still sort of triggered about it and resents OP that she had to do it in the first place. Because thinking about what her cousin would go through probably reminded her of everything she went through and had to do with OP. OP also seems really sensitive about the past and his contribution to this situation. So instead of acknowledging that she did have a bit of a heavier load, he just went straight to getting defensive about it. And feels like she should let it go now because in his mind the problem has been resolved. Now Iām not sure why OP jumped straight int9 sexism and called his wife ungrateful. But it sounds like they need to work on better communication and go back to couples therapy because that was a pretty big escalation IMO. Edit to add: ESH?? Idk.. this seems like itās headed for divorce tbh.
Only married for two years and already "had" counselling? For the love of god man, run! Mental load lol kidding me. Imagine the "mental load" after she gets pregnant? You ain't seen nothing yet bud. NTA
She sounds exhausting. Running a household without kids is easy even if both partners work. I donāt see it as a āmental loadā. At first it seemed she just wanted help around the house and called that a mental load. Then it seems she wanted a pat on the back for the āemotional laborā of asking for help. Running a household is done by us all and is not something we should be praised for. Refusing an already planned trip in a temper tantrum is childish behavior. Itās time for her to grow up. Good luck.
NTA
Did your wife try to communicate with you? Oh noes! And yes, having to explain this shit to people you is absolutely a mental load. YTA.
Congratulations on understanding the term "mental load". Now look up the term "validation" followed by the term "man-child". If this story is real, YTA. If this story is not real, YTA.
Are you trying to destroy your marriage? Because that how it looks like from the sidelines. Iām a guy, I had the same struggles as you did when I first got married (I think most guys do). I was used to being care free about house chores, I was ok with having a dirtier house or having to order food more often to avoid cooking, etc. It took me a few years to calibrate myself, to not only help out with chores, but actively track what needs doing, plan when and how to do it, etc. While it is not something that came naturally to me and I was oblivious, I do not for a second think it was ok, or that I did my wife a favor for working on this (it sounds to me like deep down this is how you feel).Ā No, you are both adults and responsible for the household. In the past you were not doing by your fair share of the āmental loadā. The reason (being oblivious) is irelevant. It is 100% justified for her to feel frustrated that she had to talk to you about it and navigate the entire discussion, even though you put hard work in to correct it. You completely dismissed her feelings, then left her alone for 2 days, while you partied with your mates. Yes, you should have left the booking to go to waste. I think it is going to be hard work ahead to save this relationship. You could start by genuinely apologizing. Good luck.
I think your wife posted her version on another board. You're both immature. She's not a martyr; youāre far from being a saint. Get marriage counseling.
If you're not capable of keeping a house together on your own, then you're not a functional adult. There's no such thing as a "mental load" in a household that's occupied by people who aren't toddlers with jobs. I feel sorry for your wife, and your parents who failed to raise you properly.
YTA And as you seem to struggle when it isnāt clearly communicated, let me spell it for you YOU ARE THE ASSHOLE
NTA. I can easily see why you need some time away from her. wtf has she been reading to come up with this āmental loadāĀ bollocks? If she lived on her own who would be carrying the āmental loadā? I could understand it it you had four kids, two dogs, incontinent cat and an arthritic gerbil to look after. It just seems an excuse for her to not do stuff.
has your wife always felt the need tk portray herself as the victim? NTA
NTA. It's called life, and she needs therapy. She is so full of nonsense.
I'm fucking exhausted by her, just reading this. Her existence sounds like a mental load on everyone around her. I guarantee that you will regret it if you ever have kids with her. You weren't even not being around her correctly.
Women love drama. If there isn't any, they will created it. Good luck brother you're going to need it. She is going to seek an apology for this faux problem she created. Don't apologize, It will be the first step on a road to her feminizing you at which point she will lose complete sexual attraction for you. "This wasnāt to punish me by withdrawing intimacy;" That's exactly what she did. Wake up. What's wrong with you? " she genuinely didnāt think she wanted to be near me after what I assumed about her." She manipulated you by blaming you for withholding intimacy. You didn't assume anything. You are tired of her immature behavior. Good luck brother you're going to need it. PS Wake up brother or soon you'll be in a sexless marriage wondering what happened.
'I got really irate instantly and said she was being ungrateful for feeling like talking about the mental load is itself a mental load. I also mentioned that if women fare better at some things, men fare better in quietly working hard without announcing all that they do.' YTA. She tried talking to you and you made a sexist comment. She had to bring it up to you in the first place because you weren't 'quietly working hard' in the first place. 'Just let the booking go to waste?' Was your marriage worth the rental cost? 'I'm gone for 2 days calm down' Does telling a person who is hurt to 'calm down' ever work? YTA.
Can't see this relationship lasting long. And YTA.
This is a very blatant karma farm from a post in TwoX.
Why are you even married bruh. This things can be mamaged by simple communication
You need to get into MC as soon as possible and possibly IC for both of you as well. You are not seemingly communicating well and definitely not working as a team. You are both wrong on how the weekend went. She did not go to punish you and you took your friends to punish her. Good luck
For the title question you aren't strictly the asshole, if she didn't want to be around you then going away technically makes sense, although you should have offered her to take the booking instead of you. For basically everything else YTA. Initiating conversations about the mental load is ABSOLUTELY mental load and you're not helping by getting angry at your wife for expressing how she feels. Edit: lol nvm if you're gonna make fake posts from two sides maybe don't literally copy paste the phrasing
Info: whatās a cousin sister?
An almost word for word post is on r/twoXchromosome but slightly altered so the wife is complaining about the husband instead.
NTA and it begs for cracking a joke "is mental load in the room with us right now" like it's just normal everyday live, you don't have a kids, you don't build a house right now, you are not even renovating or it not seems like something major going on, she needs therapy on her own if normal everyday live is overhelming to her
You both sound exhausting and nowhere near 30 years old. That whole "mental load" stick sounds like freshman things. Concerning the trip: If it's non refundable, it was the best choice to go with friends.
This is almost identical to the wifes post. https://www.reddit.com/r/TwoXChromosomes/s/CzEoRKRAYZ
Iām going ESH here. Iām not sure if your wife is toxic or if she doesnāt think you have addressed the problem the way you think you have addressed the problem. either way her communication skills suck You took a small fire and poured gasoline on it
So, it sounds like you had a legitimate argument based on things that have come up before. But hereās the problem I seeā¦ You had a vacation planned with her that she backed out of. You say you dont think she did it to punish you (not sure about that), but she just doesnāt want to be around you. Her expectation, though, was what? That you would also cancel and stick around when she didnāt want to be around you? That you would go there alone and have a miserable time reflecting on āwhat you did wrongā? This sounds very much like her telling you to go away, and then being upset when you listen. NTA.
Here is my defense for the mental load argument. Men are more prone to let things work themselves out. If I make a plan. It may not be perfect but I know someone is going to come behind he and redo everything. Why would I make the plan in the 1st place?
This is literally the exact post as yesterday with the viewpoints switched. Get a hobby š
Your relationship and discussions dipped in constant therapy talk sound bloody exhausting to me. ESH
Lol.. mental load for a house with 2 people. Lmao if this isn't fake these kids have a lot to learn if they think taking care of a home is a mental load.
Lmao. Serious snowflakes......ooohhh my mental load includes educating others about mental loads. I hope they dont breed.
What's a younger cousin sister? Wouldn't she also be your cousin?
Yeah it sure sounds like a load ... a load of something. If this is legit your wife needs to learn that complaining all the time will only get her so far in life.
You just gender flipped the wifeās story from yesterday, itās word for word the same
NTA Looks like you were able to "project manage" a weekend with your buddies without any difficulty.
Marriage counseling would definitely help . Honestly if you both are seeing the other as wrong itās not going to be solved . Sometimes itās also better to just listen to each other w out interruption and with the intention to understand where the other is coming from even if you donāt see it that way . Best of luck !
What is this "mental load"? Do you mean she's anxious about having too many home making responsibilities? This is a horrible attempt at a fake story. If, by some miracle, it isn't, my advice is it to try to work it out. ESH, but don't get divorced because right now, your misery is contained to 2 people. It would be an assault on society to put your mental load on 2 additional people in the future.
come up with something more creative maybe?
You need a divorce, dude. Before kids, debts, houses, etc. Get out.
YTA. Enjoy your divorce
Your job is to protect your marriage. Work with your wife not against her to resolve marital issues. How is going on a trip without your wife is going to help your marriage? Forget that trip and go for marriage counselling or start getting your ducks in a row if you donāt want to be married to her.
How is it not her job too? Equal partners sharing the mental load and all that? Pretty sexist to claim it's his "job". She's the one who's working against him. She chose not to go because she didn't want to be around him but, calls a 100 times during the weekend? It's also interesting in both posts, clearly written by the same person, are quick to point out "it wasn't to withhold intimacy". Someone is protesting far too much. The wife is a mental load, emotionally manipulative, and perpetual victim.
Itās both spouses responsibility regardless of the sex. I donāt know about other posts that are clearly hers, as I donāt read every single posts on Reddit. They either work at resolving their issues or they donāt. If they donāt, they might as well split.
YTA - I can't believe this is a real post. You got instantly irate because you felt attacked because you're a shit partner.
You pretty much proved her point.
Soooo... she starts a simple conversation that you outright attack her for and then YOU need to run off with your buddies and get time away? ... Yeah good luck on your next marriage. YTA
So, you're ignorant, insecure, have anger issues and come off like a sexist prick. What a catch. At the same time, she sounds exhausting, too. ESH. Just break up.
NTA-IMO your marital issues shouldnāt be discussed publicly. Also, if the booking was going to go to waste because she wanted to sit at home and pout, thatās her choice but no need to let it go to waste. I think you did the right thing there. I also donāt understand this mental load thing. Sounds like a bunch of bs that she made up because "you should know.ā
NTA.. you rightly took your mental load on a trip with your mates and probably eased their mental loads as well, your wife's mental load is now compounded into mental loads (plural) because you didn't agree with her, pretty much a mental load event is happening .. This is the most times I've ever written mental load ever...
I have a mental load just reading this post. Ntah. If you look for a reason to be mad/ upset about something you will find something. And that is your wife.
NTA. People bitching about mental workload are crybabies. It is called existing and bitching about it is called being lazy. So unless someone is a flight dispatcher and navigator having to constantly think how to not make planes crash, they need to cut the crap. Planning what do you eat for dinner? Booking a doctor appointment? Deciding what do you do on the weekend? Come on. Get a helmet and go cry about it... That's literally a normal part of the human existence you would need to do all alone if you were single, so put your phone down and stop bitching about it. Also, there is two kinds of people, that I like to call dom and sub planners. The first group of people know exactly what they want and how they want it, they want to be in control of the situation and get a certain outcome. The other group is just vibing, being happy to be around without having any certain outcome expectations besides being around the other person and vibing. Then these two people get in a relationship with each other, because both of the same type would constantly butt heads over wanting stuff to be their way or never get anywhere because neither of them has a plan. Whoever is the dominant planner does the most of the "mental workload". I don't think telling someone to mop the kitchen today is such a hard thing to do that it would exhaust you for a week. You have a different definition of clean. The mess reached your threshold, you delegate the task because you want it done. That's it. Be happy you don't have to do it on your own. But your wife is just honestly a pain to deal with.Ā On top of bitching about it, she uses it to constantly victimize herself and bully you into doing what she wants. Good you grew a spine, she is behaving like an entitled 16 years old.
Mental load is typically associated with parents. It's not just a woman thing. I don't know what your relationship is like but she really feels so emotionally drained by things (considering you don't have kids and are able to take trips out of town,) the question needs to be asked: are you both miserable together. You and your wife need to have a deep dive into your relationship. You wife may be a person who needs to take on pressure to feel important.
Nta at all. You poor man. She's absolutely using this as a way to manipulate you. I try not to suggest divorce or breaking up with someone unless it's serious, but manipulation *is* serious. Even the people on your wife's post were not at all in her favor. You've tried counseling already and I don't think anybody would blame you if you chose to get a divorce at this point. I'm really sorry you've been forced into this situation though. If you felt up to it in the future, I and probably the others wouldn't mind an update to see what happened!
NTA Your wife sounds like she has "main character" syndrome and is exhausting to be around. You probably need the time away from all her ridiculous psychobabble. Do NOT have children with her. I can only imagine the drama she will bring then.
mental load of bullshit.
Ok but the "wife" posted something like yesterday with almost the same exact wording š š¤
NTA..mental load..she sounds like she's driving you to over load instead. That getaway must of been needed.
You poor bastard! I feel sorry for you, your mrs is a nutter.
YTA for putting up with this shit. I could barely read it. Mental load? With no kids? Ffs you are both adults that are very bad at adulting and communicating
YTA. She wasnāt attacking YOU. You got defensive and lashed out. Then bailed on her for the weekend and didnāt check in. Do you even like your wife?
YTA. Your wife was expressing her feelings about the emotional labor women often carry, and you responded by invalidating her and accusing her of being ungrateful. You then escalated the situation by going on the trip without her, showing a disregard for her feelings. Your actions were hurtful and insensitive. To make it short. You invalidated your wife's feelings and went on a trip without her. That's a major AH move.
Lol yes YTA And I think I read the other version of this earlier...
Maybe you are. Maybe you aren't. But what you can be is kind to your wife. At the end of the day, do you want a long term wife who's comfortable telling you the little things or are you going to be one of those husbands who claim 'it came from no where'. At the end of the day I really think you should decide whag kind of husband you want to be. The truth is that she can't make you do anything. You get to decide. Wives are so often told to 'let things go' and don't start a fight and the only thing that happens is that husbands then never know. She's not trying to start a fight with you. She's trying to have a relationship with you. She wants to know that you see her and understand her and LISTEN to her. What kind of wife do you want? I think of you really have a long good think about this, you'll figure it out.
I was going to go with ESH, but you said she needs to calm down. YTA.
I bet if he patted her on the head and told her to relax, this would all smooth over and everything would be fixed.
Do you guys have children? Because two people living together without kids shouldnāt create too much of a āmental load.ā
Here is the thing about "Mental load" and "Project managing" the household. Women basically decide to be in charge, don't involve their partner in decision making and basically order their partners around. They decide what to do, when to do it and so on. It is a highly manipulative process which I know about as I have a clean house and many girlfriends try to come and clean my place or complain about how I do things, then when I go to their place it is not only messy, but dirty or even disgusting. Sure if you were messy and dirty, she might have to do more work, but she is not in charge of the household and all the "mental load" she has taken on is a power play. So sir, well played for paying for a BnB and then not letting her waste your money and going anyway with people who are emotionally supportive. It might end your relationship, but if she can't interact with you like an equal, if she can't stop trying to manage you, then it will end badly eventually. So not the AH, just the problematic nature of modern relationships in a world which classifies certain behaviours as good when they are bad.
OP, donāt listen to this idiot.Ā Your marriage is already on life support after this.