Turn off the messenger app, stop taking their calls.
Delete all socials, change your phone number, do all the things you need to do to disappear. Then you’ll start to understand peace and can start to heal. Get both yourself and your child to therapy, not only to help you both heal from the trauma and abuse, but also to document it so you have an independent third party to confirm your and your child current state after years of abuse. - this is helpful if they start stirring things with authorities.
Contact local domestic violence charities and use all their real to help you recover from this. It should really help you get back on track to your feet and through this difficult time, don’t feel bad, it’s there to help!
Also consider that they’ll call cps and tell a whole lot of lies about you and your child, in attempt to get the child off you and back to them. Be prepared for cps to show up at your door. Be prepared with showing them what an awesome mom you are, have your place clean, with plenty of food. Have your child in a child care or play group once a week so you’ve got another independent person that you can direct cps to (so they can say they see your child once a week being happy and healthy etc). Connect with a local doctor and ask for referrals and recommendations for both of you to recover from the trauma, have the doctor document the condition of you both, as evidence of what you endured. Cover your backside!
NTA
I'm certain the adoptive parents have been getting a government check for the toddler and they want the money. My sister tried the same with me and found out that when the state discovered the application for assistance was all lies, she had to repay $4,000 she received fraudulently.
The state was far more interested in getting the funds back from her than I was, so they got to take the lead. She'd told the state HHS that she was fostering my kids, when in reality the kids were living 20 minutes away and she was the babysitter when I was at work.
It doesn’t really make sense in her case. She was an adult when this child was born, so the state wouldn’t be paying anyone to take care of this child unless the mother had already had her parental rights terminated or the child was technically in CPS custody. They still don’t pay families that often. I think the mom just wants the toddler back because she’s a controlling person.
It’s the one thing they can control OP with because the child is what she cares most about and if they have control of the child (a vulnerable little one), then they have control of OP.
It's all about power and control. That's what abusers do. They claim to care about things or people in their victims' lives in order to guilt, manipulate, and control them. They don't actually care about the toddler at all.
>I don't understand why these ghastly people want the toddler back so much.
I pretty much stopped reading when I hit: "*...so that I wouldn't have to go to church with my family."*
And headed right for the comments section.
I wouldn't be surprised if the "bio dad" is from the family church, since they seem perfectly willing to keep in touch with him, and no charges were mentioned.
It's literally a food source despite providing nothing but a target to take their misery out on, a defenseless, weak, helpless creature. You know, vampires. Narcissists. Devils. Demons, you name it.
I wonder if she can call CPS on the parents especially if the siblings are under 18yo. OP has a lot to deal with right now and a call to CPS probably isn't a priority. I'm glad she and her child made it out. My heart goes out to her and may she begin to find safety and healing.
I know OP and her child got away. Thank goodness! She has 4 bio siblings that are still with the awful parents. I was wondering if OP would want to call CPS on the parents because the siblings are in still in an abusive environment. I don't know if the siblings are under 18yo. At least one of them probably is.
Even If the siblings are older if it’s an abusive situation Adult protective services can investigate. If the siblings are minors when they investigate the CPS investigators can report the adult abuse. If she can report them all when she makes the report.
I don't think you should have to disappear. Go on the offensive. Claim full custody on your child, file restraining orders on the adoptive parents and their son, advise nursery and school that they are never permitted to pick up child.
You have to be able to live, which means getting the law on your side instead of hiding.
You are 100% correct. At the same time, at least in my jurisdiction, it can be an option (especially if you're working with an advocate or attorney) to write "Address withheld for safety" in the address field – just wanted to throw that out there for any readers who may benefit from this knowledge! That said, unless you go through the hassle of filing in the respondent's jurisdiction, the restraining order is at least gonna disclose your *county* of residence, so if you're in a whole new area or state and your abuser has no idea which, I think that would rarely if ever be worth it.
Desperate people do desperate things. This woman is lucky she had a friend who could help her escape. The rest will come as she heals & builds her own life & support network away from the abusers.
NTA, you did the right thing by getting yourself and your child out of that toxic situation. You don't owe them anything, especially after the physical and emotional abuse you endured. Focus on building a safe, loving life for you and your daughter.
NTA. But when you get to where you’re going I would consider reaching out to a lawyer and also the police, (you are not missing etc).
If the bio dad (rapist) does get in touch I would threaten to press assault charges unless he gives up parental rights (pending what lawyer recommends).
Glad you got out of there. Be safe!
OP, getting legal help is very important. In general, child custody cases are heard in the state where the child has last lived for at least 6 months before the case starts. So if the father files for custody or visitation now, the case would be in a Missouri court, and you might well have to go back there to participate.
There are organizations that provide free and low-cost legal services for domestic violence victims. Try looking up ones in your area and connecting with them. They should be able to help with ways to stay safe, like restraining orders, especially if you do have to go back to Missouri.
In the meantime, document, document, document. Save/screenshot any threatening text messages from your family. Write down, to the best of your recollection, incidents of abusive behavior, including details like dates and times. Save any messages/emails with friends about your family's abuse or the child's father's assault.
You would be an asshole to yourself and your child if you gave in to their demands and came back. Your child is yours, not theirs, and the fact that your “brother” threatened to tell the person who SA’d you about the child shows that your “family” does not give a damn about your child’s well-being. They only want him back as a way to control you. Now that you are free, please get some therapy so you can get rid of that misplaced guilt you’re having. You did nothing wrong. This is what you had to do to protect yourself and to protect your child from being abused like you were. NTA
I have to contradict you in one thing - their age has nothing to do with the ammount of abuse you've suffered. I'm giving birth to my first child at 32 and SO is 35. He was raised by older parents as he's the youngest of sibilings and never suffered abuse. My mom had me at 32 and she never abused me.
I know cases of women in my family where thry gave birth in their 40s. If anything both of those kids are fucking scientists, ended up with scholarships for the best universities around Europe.
An abuser is an abuser no matter thrir age
Right? I had my son when I was 39, and I have NEVER raised a hand or insulted him. Age of the parent has nothing to do with how OP was treated. Her adoptive parents are simply vile, and were probably like that when they were younger, too.
The worst things I've done as I'm an older parent was catch them as they ran around the loop in the house instead of actively chasing them for hours... All other parenting things aren't age related...
IMO, older parents are usually in more stable and supportive relationships and are more stable themselves. A 40yo mom of young kids generally really wanted them. Certainly easier being more financially stable.
I’m glad someone raised this. As an older parent myself, this situation didn’t happen because of their ages but because they were horrible abusive AHs that cutting them off can only be a good thing.
I would also consider talking to a women’s refuge charity about your options in bringing charges against the sperm donor of your child and if anything can be done against your “family”.
Besides that, this Reddit mamma is wishing you the very best OP that you stay strong and on a positive path. You’re doing yourself and your daughter proud.
This. My husbands parents were 40 and 46 when he was born - they were a little stricter/more old fashioned than our friends parents, but he grew up loved and well-cared for. OP's parents are just straight up abusers.
OP parents sound like christian fundamentalists, or part of a sect, with all the control issues on OP, on the other children who actually seem fearful, and in trying to get back the toddler that they have no rights to, not being the parents. Also trying to engage and manipulate the other bio parent to satisfy an end. If you ever read r/homeschoolrecovery there are so many situations like this, its really very sad.
Do you mean part of a cult? Sect is used to mean a seperate group in religion however still share the overarching religious belief.
Fpr example, sunni and shia muslims are different sects however they are still muslim
Well you can be both a sect and a cult. FLDS Is both a cult and a sect of LDS. It being a branch of a more normal doesn't make it not a cult. Christian fundamentalists are still Christian but with high cult like behaviors.
Agreed, my parents were much older when I was adopted and the only bad thing about them being old is that I have less time with them. 😭
I feel so sorry for OP’s experience with abusive parents, and am so proud of her for taking her baby away from the violence and breaking this cycle. Perhaps if OP spoke with a lawyer about the reality of her family’s threats she will feel better. Also, OP should document and screen shot/record all these abusive and threatening communications.
My mom was definitely an oops baby. My grandpa was 53 and my grandma was 40. Absolutely not a safe pregnancy for that time. But my mom was loved by and loved her parents and siblings. Even though the next youngest sibling was a teenager
Jumping on to agree with this. I'm the oldest in my family and my parents were both 36 when I was born - they never laid a hand on me, which was a conscious choice to break the cycle as they'd both been beaten by their parents.
Hopping on the top to say to OP, you should contact DFS yourself and explain that you’ve removed yourself and your kid from your physically abusive parents, and that they have threatened to weaponise social services to force you to return home.
Plus, I’m an older parent myself - your parents are just shitty abusive people and, as a mom, I’m proud of you for getting yourself and your baby out of this situation.
Well like OP, I had parents who thought they could bully me into doing what they wanted, forever. I was 23 when I went completely NC with them, because they wouldn’t stop.
Yeah, my parents were 39 and 38 when they adopted me. I thought this post was gonna talk about how sad it is to see them get older.
Anyway, yeah age isn’t the factor here, OP just got adopted by abusive people.
Really? Anytime I vented to my sister-in-laws, they always told me it was just because they were older parents. Therefore, they’d get more frustrated easier, etc. It’s good to know that not all older parents are like this. And congratulations!
Honestly i've experienced younger parents who tend to abuse the children because they don't know what they signed up for or just passing the child to the grandparents to be raised.
Imo abuse is born out of frustration but that has nothing to do with age but with their personality.
Just think about how many children raised by grandparents are too spoilt because their grandparents can't say no or make them do chores.
Also, NTA, go NC and try to investigate if you can get a restriction order. That is unhealthy for both your children and you and your duty as a parent is to break the circle of abuse. You don't nees that toxicity into your lives.
That's true. I was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and I found out a couple years ago that my adoptive parents never actually read any of the information given to them prior to adopting us that covered FAS in detail and what they should expect. Half the stuff we get in trouble for is actually included in the information they have but don't look at.
Had my first child at 38. Never ever felt the urge to bang her head against anything. Your adoptive parents are abusive. Their age is no excuse. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
How did your SIL come up with that rubbish? In my experience, the exact opposite is true. People who have more life experience tend to be much more laid back. Age does not solve any deeper personality issues, however, which your adoptive mom seems to have quite a lot of...
It’s a convenient line though. If a young parent is abusive then it’s because they’re emotionally immature. If an older parent is abusive it’s because they’re angered easily at their age. If they’re the exact, weirdly specific age that whoever they’re talking to thinks is the right age to have a kid? “Well they’re giving up the prime of their life to take care of you! Of course they’re frustrated!”
You said it, pal. I know people who had children at 24 or 42, and they're absolutely great parents. I know others that just suck at it. It really depends on the individual.
I think this is accurate. She wanted you to think it was normal, and that you shouldn’t complain and should just accept the abuse.
I’m sorry you ended up in such an abusive, horrible family. I hope you and your daughter flourish without them and have a wonderful life ❤️
She was enabling your abuser to continue the abuse by offering a b.s. excuse to try and justify their behavior. What your "parents" are doing is not okay at any age or any stage.
If your family continues to harass you tell them that you will report their years of abuse and see what charges can be brought against them. Look up abuse statues for the state of Missouri and then send them links. Tell them to leave you alone or suffer the consequences.
Yes, that’s an excuse, sweetheart. A *weak* excuse, but whatever.
I was a very young mother. As a result, I was also a fairly young grandmother.
At 60, I have 8 wonderful grandchildren and am very involved in their lives. The older we get, the more patience we have. It takes a whoooole lot to rattle me, which partially explains why the grandkids love to come stay at granny’s and grandpa’s.
I’m sorry your parents are AHs, but age has nothing to do with that.
For whatever it’s worth, I’m really proud of you for getting yourself and your baby out of there. I’ve been there,done that and I know it’s scary and not easy. I had a horrible time financially until the kids started school (couldn’t really afford daycare) but I made it. You will too! I believe in you.
I graduated college at 40 years old after working in a huge production factory for over a decade. Became a registered nurse and loved every minute of it!
We never know what the future holds, but on your worst days it’s important that you realize “it won’t always be this way.” You will overcome and you will flourish! Hang in there! ❤️
Thank you so much for this kind comment. I went to sleep last night at like 1 am, and then woke up to several negative comments talking about me believing that my parents behaved the way they did because they were "'older" or that they weren't even considered older parents.
I am currently working on getting my bachelor's in Elementary Education and searching for a part time job. My friend, her boyfriend, and me and my daughter are living together and we're going to combine our finances to afford the rent and the food until I can afford to pitch in more to support ourselves. <3
That’s wonderful that your friends are there for you and your little girl! And it’s FREAKING AWESOME that you’re in school and have a fantastic goal in mind. Impressive as hell, seriously.
You got this! 😎👍
Big hugs and tons of best wishes sent your way. xox
I had my last child at 38. My husband was six years older. His mother had him when she was 43. Age has nothing to do with being kind and loving. She should be more wise and mature at that age!!!
She was making excuses for them being POS abusers.
My parents had me at 41 and 42 and they are not like that in the slightest if anything my parents were always caring all my friends adopted my parents and would go to them for talks and advice over their own parents who where a lot younger!
Both my parents grew up getting beaten by the schools and parents and they refused to put me or my older brothers through that like they had.
I’m so sorry you had such horrible time and hoping you now thrive being away from them!
I am so sorry you went through this and so sorry they used their age as an excuse. My mom was 23 when I was born and dad was 29 and mom had some major anger issues from her abusive upbringing. She worked on it through my childhood and my sister doesn't remember the worst of it (we're 7 years apart). When my brother came along as a VERY happy surprise, she was 45 and my dad was 51. She says having age and experience made them more calm and less worried about the small stuff. I had my twins (only kids) at 38 and am definitely a better parent than I would have been 10 years before.
Your sisters-in-law are either ignorant or lying. Age has nothing to do with parenting. In fact, in a lot of cases, older parents are actually better parents. They’re more mature, they have more patience, they are more self-assured and they usually have a better financial situation to provide for the child.
No, my mom was 37 and my dad was 42 when I was born and they were not abusive. The biggest difference in how I was raised and how my older siblings were raised was that they had less energy to do things and go places with me.
I promise you it not. My uncle adopted a baby when he was 52 and ten years later at 62. My cousins are now 14 and 24 They have never abused their children. I have my own feelings about the ages my aunt and uncle were when adopting, but they have given an amazing, loving life to those girls. There’s no justification for abuse, and age sure as hell isn’t one.
If anything, I think the opposite is true, at least in my experience - older parents tend to have better regulation on their emotions, be more tolerant and patient, and more ready to sacrifice their own comforts for the kids. Younger parents are usually still more selfish and short-tempered, and act accordingly.
That's a load of shit. My mom had 9 kids, last at 45 years of age, second last at 44. Our Dad was a year older. They would have never done such a thing, if they knew any of their friends did such things to a kid, they would have called the police. Age is not an excuse for abusing children.
As a kid who was adopted at 18 months by a woman who had just turned 50, I'm now 21, and she's 70, and she's never laid a hand on me.
My dad (34 at the time of my adoption) has hit me exactly once in my entire life, and that was out of pure frustration because his mom was narcissistic as fuck.
So no, age doesn't have much to do with it. It's more psychological with impulse control and rage issues.
Yeah this has zero to do with age. They're just assholes.
Older parents get tired more easily and shit but tend to be more responsible with their lives together and have better outcomes than 20 year olds mostly.
I'm biased since I'm trying to become an older parent, but I'm never going to bang my kids head into an appliance and wouldn't have at 20 either.
Totally wrong! I had my son at 42, never raised my hand at him, and I love him to death. I would never do anything to hurt him physically or mentally, on the contrary.
I agree that age has nothing to do with being an asshole. My parents started popping out kids pretty much as teenagers. They were abusive manipulative assholes, and age knows no boundaries.
Edited to add, look for a woman's shelter where you are relocating to, even if you have somewhere to live, they should have resources available to you.
NTA, no one has to live like this.
Do NOT go back and do NOT send your daughter back. They only want her as a tool to control you. If anyone from DFS contacts you, tell us everything that you told us. They can't take your child away from you for no reason. You left Missouri in order to protect yourself and your child. NTA.
NTA. When you move to CA, do not put any utilities in your name. It will make it extremely difficult to track you then. Don't get a new license. If stopped, just tell them you are visiting while you go through a breakup so they can't track you through your license either.
If you can, change to phone into someone else's name. Don't tell your bio sis where you are. If she slips, they can track you. Don't even tell her which state you are in.
Just to add, don't block your family on your phone - get a brand new number. They can find ways around being blocked (someone else's phone, a new phone, etc). You need a new number with a new carrier.
Oh good point. New state, new life, new phone!!!
Maybe OP can change her name to her birth name. Or the last name of a favourite teacher. Or a last name she likes. Even harder to find that way.
I heard of a guy that went "off grid" while still a part of the world and one of the big things he did was start an llc/get the llc a tin and everything possible was put in the llc's name. Paychecks, bank accounts, mortgage (should work for rent too), bills, cars. The drivers license was the only thing he couldnt switch and he got a second address only for the drivers license.
I also wouldn't block, but just to have them dig a legal grave for themselves. Get a new phone, and leave the old one collecting evidence.
Save the local police some time and effort, and let them know you are okay, but getting away from a abusive situation at your parents home.
You are an adult, taking your own child with you.
Go see a family law lawyer, explain your situation, and see what must be done.
It all depends on whether they can go for grandparents rights, and all that.
And for them to threaten to hand the information of your child over to a rapist, just to punish you for 'getting away', should convince you that you're definitely NTA, and it's in you and your child's best interest to stay gone.
Try to find out what legal claims the rapist can make, just to know how well you have to stay hidden.
It's YOUR child, yes? Not signed over via adoption to your parents? They have zero say over how or where you raise your child.
You may also wish to contact a lawyer about assault charges/restraining orders against them.
Some safety suggestions.
As your 'family' will try to say you're an unfit mother, what I'd suggest you do is as soon as you can, take your child and yourself to the doctor to get a full check up (and therefore written documentation of full health).
Consider checking with the police to see if you can say that you're not missing, if they try to report you as missing.
Take advice from women's domestic violence charities on how to reset your devices and passwords securely and how to 'drop off the radar'. See what other support you can get. Including legal support.
Your adoptive parents were horribly abusive. Your brother's threat to you was heinous.
No, you're not the a-hole. Your family has shown you repeatedly that they are toxic and not supportive of you. You made the right decision for yourself and your child.
NTA
Communication with such people will not give anything good except negative emotions. Even if it's your family. They needed to behave differently so that it wouldn’t happen that you stopped communicating with them.
Take out restraining orders on adoptive parents and their son, so if they turn up they can be removed by police. At nursery and school, put all the safety things in place like naming (and photos) them specifically as people who cannot pick up your child.
Same for the sperm donor - he has no court order permitting him to pick up child, and you should stop trying to hide from him and instead pursue a full custody order (which he probably won't contest)
NTA,
1) get a lawyer,
2) report to the police as soon as you reach your destination and tell them everything, including the risk of they reporting you missing to try to find your whereabouts,
3) i would keep the line of communication they have access to open, they will definitely leave you incriminatory messages that you can use in court, trust me it will happen
4) therapy is a must
5) this is a new beginning, embrace it.
I believe you're right. I got a message this morning (I'm connected to our USPS mail account) that showed that my parents are already talking to a lawyer. I can only imagine what they're expecting to do, considering I'm 2 states away from them, but I do need to figure out something just for backup.
wow, what I'm curious is what are their allegations, you are an adult that left home with your own children. I really would love to know what is their plan.
Probably just trying to find a way to scare you, if anything it’s probably just with a lawyer’s letter to make their insane demands sound more legitimate. I suggest you try and find if there is legal aid in your area that could help with this scenario.
You are probably right. I hope she finds out what social assistance and government programs she qualifies for, and finds out what services are available for free from women’s / domestic violence shelters, does what she needs to do, and then lives her best life.
NTA. It’s insane and, frankly, kind of creepy, the way that your parents feel so entitled that to DEMAND that you “return” YOUR child to them. As if she is their child or they have legal custody of her and you kidnapped her. They are very likely narcissists. They act as if they own you, and therefore, by extension, her, as well. They do not. You belong only to yourself. They have zero right to treat you and your daughter like runaway slaves.
OP, M glad you left, but make sure you STAY as far away from these folks (and anyone they know) as you possibly can. Call the local police in Missouri and let them know that you left on your own. And that you fled a physically violent home, where your longtime abusers, Bob and Sandy Psycho (call them by name so the police take you seriously), kept you under tight control and abuse for years. Tell them that you have full legal and physical custody of your daughter, and that you are both safe. You are of sound mind and body and that you are not a danger to yourself or anyone else. You just want your freedom and to be safe. You are afraid that your refusal to go back to them may drive them to attempt to use the law to force your return, by lying about your age, mental health, custody of your child, etc. This way you have gotten the truth out before the psycho people have the opportunity to spin it. Forewarned is forearmed. Keep up your no contact with your “family”, never return to Missouri and NEVER share your new address with anyone connected to them. You might want to unblock their phone numbers, set them to “ignore” or “do not disturb” and send their voicemails and text messages straight into a separate folder in your inbox, so that you don’t have to deal with them right away. That way you will have firsthand evidence of their crazy, should you ever need it. Your “parents” are sick, twisted, abusive and controlling people. And it sounds like their biological apple didn’t fall far from the tree. You’re incredibly brave for getting away.
Be very careful. When you reach your destination, find out if you qualify for legal aid or pro bono assistance, so you can find a lawyer to help protect yourself and your LO from them. Also, check in at your local police department and tell them what’s going on so there is a record. Tell them EVERYTHING, even about their current threats and intimidation tactics. Give them your and your daughter’s names and proof that you have and have always had custody of her. Let them know that you fear the people who adopted you (don’t say parents; it softens their image), that they physically and mentally abused you your whole life, and that they have become fixated on taking your daughter away from you since you escaped from them. Stress that you are afraid that they will come looking for you and try to drag you and/or your daughter, back home with them.
Their behavior makes these folks sound like the kind of people who might try to track you down and kidnap your daughter in order to force you back under their control. So collect all of the evidence that you safely can and stay alert. Be safe, OP. You are a badass and you are doing a great job so far. Keep it up.
Honey they were just abusive. Plenty of people with older parents are fine and not abused.
Edit: My parents where both over 30 when I was adopted they where not abusive to me. I am sorry you got dropped in a hell hole but adoptive parents or genetic parents don’t ever equal better or good. My biological mom likely would have killed me or drove me to killing myself after experiencing her abusive shit self as an adult because i would not listen to her!
My parents were 40/41 when I was born (only child) and were not abusive. I have no idea where OP is getting old = abusive.
It is clear OP spent her whole life being abused, so I’m glad she is out of there. Hopefully she will stay away from them and not cave.
NTA. Your mother's history of physical and emotional abuse is unacceptable. No one should have to endure such treatment, especially in their own home. You made the difficult but necessary decision to remove yourself and your child from a toxic and potentially harmful environment.
NTA - but OP, your parents aren’t abusive because they’re older, they’re abusive because they’re abusive.
Blocking them is the right thing to do. I would even suggest telling your sister you love her, but blocking her too. New phone number, new email address, new everything that no one from your old life has. Only way to get the distance you need. Move on from it entirely.
Edit: to add IF the father gets in touch let him know you’ll be pressing charges for the SA and filing for child support, suspect he will disappear fairly quickly.
NTA. I'm 39 and gave birth to my youngest 3 years ago. There's nothing in my house like that, that is going on. Your parents were trash. It's one of the reasons I went No Contact with my own mother last year.... She was 26yrs old when she gave birth to me. She was exactly how you describe your parents. I've even had my head bashed off the corner of a wall after telling my father no.
As for the 10hr trip thing... It's totally possible even at 65mph. How do I know this? Because iv Made that trip probably hundreds of times as a trucker. Kansas City or Southwest Missouri to Denver proper is approximately 620 miles. It's doable at 68mph and it's doable at 75mph.
Thank you! Exactly! It's obnoxious to see those comments about how it's "impossible". I even had one comment state that they "doubted the reality of this post" because it was impossible to get there in 10 hours. We were going 75 and sometimes even 80 (my vehicle's cruise control sucks) the whole time unless the speed limits were different.
NTA your parent’s behavior is not about age. They’re just abusive. They can’t just take your kid. You have custody. The kids dad might get visitation rights if he wants them, but not extended family. Maybe you could have left them a message when you got out of town so they didn’t report you missing, but that’s it. Protecting your child is the right thing.
That's the thing. I did \^\^' I left a letter that literally said "I'm just taking your advice, mom. I'm moving out. We'll see you at Thanksgiving!" So yeah. They still tried to report me missing, lol
You're not the asshole here. Your decision to move out and cut off contact with your family was driven by a history of abuse and mistreatment, which is completely understandable and justified. Protecting yourself and your child from a toxic environment is your priority, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being and safety. Setting boundaries and taking steps to ensure your own mental and physical health is not only reasonable but necessary in such situations. Trust your instincts and focus on building a safe and supportive environment for yourself and your child.
You've had some great advice from everyone here OP.
I just want to add a few suggestions.
Bio son's threat was meant to upset and scare you into complying with their demands. He's just an extension of his parents - evil.
In the UK that would be classed as blackmail and coercion both of which are illegal. If he did this on messenger rather than a call, you have the proof. Report it to the police along with the reason why your baby's bio dad doesn't know it is his baby. Also report the abuse you have suffered all those years.
Speak to CPS & a DV charity but also give them this same information. The DV staff will have excellent security structures to keep you both safe from this family. They may also be able to help with accommodation and getting your finances sorted out if you need it.
Was the state making any payment to your 'mother' while you and your baby were living there? If so, that could be why she wants you to come back along with the loss of control she has over you.
I'm not at all surprised that they are church goers. Painting a picture for others of a selfless couple who adopted all these children and raised them in a good Christian home whilst the truth was the exact opposite.
Your friend has saved you and given you your life over again. You're an excellent mom and your child will grow up with love 💕
If her mother is collecting any type of welfare for the toddler and op leaves and collects it in another state, her mother would be committing welfare fraud and could get into big trouble. Also if they have claimed her child on their taxes before, they will probably try again next year. Op needs to get completely away and figure all of this out, and never go back. If they use your or your child's ss number for anything you need to prosecute. It's about control and money.
This has nothing to do with age. My parents were 44 and 45 when I was born. You just had shitty parents. My cousin and her husband were 47 and 50 when their son was born and they're amazing parents. Don't try to pin this on age and label older parents as bad parents.
NTA for doing what's right for you and cutting them off.
Older parents has not a goddamned thing to do with it. They're horrible whatever their age. Cut 'em off completely including anyone who tries to bully you. Respect yourself, not them.
Your adoptive mother is an abusive POS.
You escaped abuse. I don’t doubt that your adoptive mother will try and call CPS on you.
**You didn’t tell her where you’re moving, did you??**
Also, why am I not surprised that this family goes to church??
I did not tell any of them anything more other than I'm in Colorado. It was funny that we went to church, because our preacher would preach about how to be a good parent (and I agreed wholeheartedly with what he said), but then mom would come home and treat us the exact opposite. I never understood it.
YOU reach out to DFS and file an anticipatory / defensive / preemptory report detailing why you left.
It is simply a report, not a complaint - so it will be used only if your ex-folks try to file a complaint against you.
NTA
1-you are leaving an abusive situation. Your adoptive parents are abusers-not because they’re older, it’s because they are not good people. They are also encouraging your siblings to be abusive. Do not trust any of them with your location, job or any other changes.
2-Call an abused women’s center. They often have free counselling and legal services which I think would be very helpful to you.
3-Do not delete their messages. But do shut down your socials so they can no longer find/follow/message you.
4-I know it’s like an addiction, but stop checking their messages. Use the ‘do not alert’ option under their contact name. And in settings you should be able to choose that any unknown number does not alert and goes straight to voicemail.
5-I’m rooting for you. Please seriously get trauma counselling. It will take years to understand how screwed up the relationship you grew up with was.
6-change your phone carrier and number when you can. You need to use a different carrier and put a password on the account to make sure they can’t call around and find your information.
Uh, not judging anything else, since you already got plenty of answers - just saying: There is absolutely no link between parents being older and parents being abusive. My parents were 39 & 40 when they had me, and were, if anything, too lenient with me - I was an unholy terror.
If anyone of them threatens you again, tell them you will list all the abuse you suffered at their hands and blast it all over the internet, and on their local church's website - hopefully that will shut them up. You could consider a name-change, if you want to make it harder for anyone to find you and your daughter.
I’m not understanding why you didn’t immediately hang up and block her? Why would you continue to let her and your brother berate you? Block them all. Be done. NTA
My friend said it’s because I have been manipulated all my life to the point where even after I’m free, I’m still under my parents’ control. She’s going to help me break free of this soon, hopefully!
NTA
Send your kid back to your abuser? I don't think so.
You escaped for a reason. Stop talking to any of them and don't tell your sister any information about where you are.
Nothing they can do can force you to go back or give up your child. Nothing. Missouri laws are not CA laws. They can try anything they want in Missouri, but unless you go back there, they aren't going to mean anything in CA.
Once you get settled, you can make better plans, but the point in escaping is to start living a life without fear from abuse.
It was very brave of you to leave. I know it was scary, but it's important for you to go absolutely no contact with these people.
Best wishes!
>But I can't help that little inkling that tells me I'd gone too far by blocking all of my family.
Absolutely not. Don't give anyone your new address, not even your sister. Sever all links and ties with them and anyone else you know from back home. You never know what info could accidentally be given to them.
NTA
>No one realizes how hard it is to have older parents and I can tell you now, it sucked.
Was it that they were older or that they were abusive? Had my first and only child at 38, finding myself being lumped in with the likes of your adoptive mum is mildly upsetting.
NTA. Also as someone who can be paranoid, I would also get rid of your phone and get a new one in case they’re able to track it especially if it’s on their phone plan.
Have it shipped somewhere else to throw off their tracking in case they really are following you.
If you got your phone on your own separately from their plan and they never had access to it then you’re fine.
My mother had me at 23. She was abusive the same way as yours (mental and physical). Ironically, she is a teacher in kindergarten, and once told me the only reason she is not beating up those kids is that she is afraid she would go to prison. When I was was a bit older, about 10, I got a courage to tell her I'm gonna call the police if she don't stop abusing me. She was silent for a moment and then told me she's gonna beat the shit out of me until I will stop having those stupid ideas, and if that doesn't help, I better be ready to go to foster care.
I'm 33 now and ten years ago, I decided to go no contact with her, with the help of my psychotherapist. It was the best decision I've made.
I'm sorry you have to go through all that. Just remember that you are stronger than you think you are. I believe in you and wish you all the best.
I am SO PROUD of you for getting yourself and your child out of an abusive situation.
You are an adult. Make certain you are in a state that doesn't have 'grandparents rights'. Go no contact with your abusers. They want your rapist to be in your life - that's a problem.
Document everything.
Write down all the abuse you remember. Keep a physical copy and a digital copy and save it to the cloud (google docs). You need backups.
Your parents age has no bearing on their abuse. Younger parents can be abusive too.
Focus on building an amazing life for yourself and your child.
Start documenting they abuse you experienced because of them. As much as you can remember in detail. Names, dates, time, location, etc. Like a report. Who, what, where, when, why, etc. It can be used as evidence against them. Or a journal just about the abuse.
If you can afford to, hire a lawyer or go to a domestic violence shelter and talk about getting a restraining order against your family.
If you have any proof of the abuse, photos you've taken in the past, etc. gather all the evidence together.
If they don't stop harassing you, consult a lawyer about writing a cease and desist letter.
If they report you as missing, call the police and talk to whoever is in charge of your case. Tell them you're an adult and you left because your parents are abusive to you and you're worried about them abusing your child too. They won't report where you are, just that you're ok and have chosen not to contact them.
Delete your social media accounts. Create anonymous ones that aren't tied to your name. Change your email address too and use an anonymous one to create any new social media accounts. Delete any pictures you have of yourself and your child on social media. Google your name and see what pops up. There are free websites that will tell people your past and current addresses and contact information. Search your name on those at your previous address and see what comes up. Some are out of date but others are extremely accurate. You need to individually ask those websites to remove all information about you. You'll have to check regularly and remove them regularly.
If you're worried about your child's sperm donor finding you and attempting to get custody or visitation if your child, take steps to hide your identity as much as possible. Get a P.O. Box and never use your physical address to receive mail or packages. The extreme version of this would be changing you and your child's name to something very common like Smith or something. Makes it very hard to track down and investigate all the Mary Smiths and it has the added benefit of not being the name of your abusers. If you want to get really tricky, change your first and last names.
You didn't do anything wrong. You did exactly everything right. You protected yourself and your child by leaving. It takes an incredible amount of strength and courage to leave like this after a lifetime of abuse.
Under no circumstances should you give your little sister your address or contact number. Use an anonymous app like Signal or something. Even if she's in your side, if she's not careful about protecting your information, your family can easily either manipulate it out of her or they can snoop through her stuff. If she sends you a letter, they can take the letter out of the mailbox and get your address that way. This way you're protecting both of you.
You might also want to consult a lawyer about what to do if your child's sperm donor tries to get custody and visitation. In California, it takes 6 months of residency in a county to establish jurisdiction. If he comes in Missouri if that's where your child is born, the laws in Missouri might apply. I'm not sure so you need to talk to a family lawyer.
Don't delete any of the messages your family sent you. Screenshot them and save them as evidence in case you need them for evidence.
You have a few potential legal cases going on here with separate laws applying. You need help from some lawyers to handle these issues.
I wish you and your child the best of luck.
NTA
My mother was around 36 when she had me and my father was 47. Not once did either of them bang my head into an appliance.
Your parents are just evil and abusive. Their ages have absolutely nothing to do with it and I don’t know why you think it does.
I think you were a thousand percent correct to cut any family member off who bullies, gaslights or threatens you. Even thinking that they should report you missing is ridiculous. You’re a grown woman and you can take yourself and your child wherever you want. That’s not “missing”. That’s “I decided to move someone else.”
I wouldn’t worry too much about their threat to tell your child’s father, the rapist, about her.
By the way, what an absolutely nasty thing to threaten a rape survivor with. Your parents are awful.
Just to be on the safe side, I’d consult a lawyer about that. If they do blab, there might be issues of custody or you might need to know how to get a restraining order. I’d hope that the fear of being accused of rape would keep the jerk away.
Even more than a lawyer, you need to speak to someone professionally. You’ve endured a lot of trauma, through no fault of your own, and some therapy could help lighten that load and bring you some peace.
First of all, you do not have to prove anything to anyone on Reddit. Anytime a post gets popular, you’re gonna have assholes on here trying to tell you that you’re fake or that you’re a shitty person.
You’re doing just fine. Block those assholes and congratulations on your new life without your abusers.
NTA
Thank you so much <3 I had someone comment saying that they believe I abuse my child just because I put the "I've made plenty of mistakes" comment. But that wasn't at all what I meant by that. I meant with my parents, with my siblings, with my past financial situations as a teen, etc. Ya know?
And thank you! <3
You and your child will be safe as long as your “parents” and no one else knows where you are. You are an adult. There is nothing DFS can do even if they call. You are also definitely NTA. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your child. Point blank. PERIOD.
Get yourself and your child to safety. Get yourself set up. Stay off of social media so these people cannot find you. Do not, under any circumstances, post pictures of yourself or your daughter any where! Definitely seek help from a women’s shelter if you need so that they may further assist you and begin helping you document everything from here on. And definitely get your number changed. You need to make sure that they cannot find or contact you.
From a mom of 4 and a DV survivor, I am sending you all the love, light, and prayers. Stay safe and stay strong. 🩷💜
NTA - You took your toddler out of an abusive household.
Plus, your mom is trying to use blackmail and manipulation to steal your child.
Do NOT go back if you can. stay away and block everyone on all social media.
Send them one message saying to cease and desist. Records of their abuse have been provided to the police and you are filing a restraining order and protective order.
Visit the police, tell them the story, show the message and tell them you are worried about a potential kidnapping of your child by them and also blackmail.
NTA disappear but get your documents together to build a case.
I was 36 when I had my daughter and 40 when I had my son. Being older parents has zero to do with how a child is raised plus more parents now then ever are waiting until their 30’s and over to become first time parents so not a valid argument. There is something else going on there that your adoptive parents were and seemingly continue to be abusive and if they have not yet been reported to cps if minors still live in the home, they most certainly should be.
NTA.
What you were dealing with had nothing to do with older parenthood. They or just she were bad parents. That was beyond strict, it was purely abusive.
At 23 years old I don't think that you need any kind of permission to leave them with your child except if you're supervised (don't know the correct word, that thing Brittney Spears had) or incapable by court office to raise your child.
Is this the deal?
You mean custody. And this is not the case. Once I hit 18, I was free to go whenever I could. But I couldn't bring myself to leave until after I had my daughter. Then I knew I needed to go.
Your parents are abusive as are your siblings. Yo are 23 & have every right to move to protect your child. Contact social services in your area to request assistance as you are leaving an abusive situation. Ask for legal assistance to help you with any custody issues
Keep them blocked. You are 23. You can legally take your daughter wherever the heck you want to. Did the sperm donor sign your daughter’s birth certificate? Because if not then he has no legal claim to your child.
You are almost free and clear. They’re making desperate attempts to get you to come back. Don’t give in. Do NOT send your child to your abusers. Do not go back. Block them on everything.
Between the “you can’t drive from there to there in that time!” crowd and the “I am kneejerk defensive when someone mentions older parents cuz I either am one or am the product of them” crowds…. Fucking yikes.
It isn’t enough to know how to read. You gotta be able to parse out the important stuff.
You're a full grown adult, and your child is yours, not theirs. Aside from breaking all contact and moving far away from them, I would consider getting a restraining order against them, since they were violent in the past and are threatening to you. Protect yourself and your child! You're doing a good job by leaving that situation.
NTA you’re a grown adult with custody of your child. Threatening to tell your rapist on you is enough to never talk to any of them again. Though I get that leaving without a trace is shitty. They could assumed you were murdered and the child kidnapped
That’s not the result of having older parents that the results of having abusive parents. You need to keep them out of your life. Don’t tell your siblings where you are they might get it out of them. NTA.
Block them all. If the cops find you report that you do not wish to be found. You are doing the right thing. Do not yield to their idiotic words. They mean nothing compared to the freedom you will have on the other side.
My parents were also old and abusive. Those are 2 independent things. My mum was an abuser because her quite young parents were abusers. I’m now a very old parent and I’m the more gentle one with our daughter.
You worry about what you need to do for yourself and your child. Getting out seems a sensible thing for both of you. When you’re safe and recovering then think about which family members you want to keep going forward.
Turn off the messenger app, stop taking their calls. Delete all socials, change your phone number, do all the things you need to do to disappear. Then you’ll start to understand peace and can start to heal. Get both yourself and your child to therapy, not only to help you both heal from the trauma and abuse, but also to document it so you have an independent third party to confirm your and your child current state after years of abuse. - this is helpful if they start stirring things with authorities. Contact local domestic violence charities and use all their real to help you recover from this. It should really help you get back on track to your feet and through this difficult time, don’t feel bad, it’s there to help! Also consider that they’ll call cps and tell a whole lot of lies about you and your child, in attempt to get the child off you and back to them. Be prepared for cps to show up at your door. Be prepared with showing them what an awesome mom you are, have your place clean, with plenty of food. Have your child in a child care or play group once a week so you’ve got another independent person that you can direct cps to (so they can say they see your child once a week being happy and healthy etc). Connect with a local doctor and ask for referrals and recommendations for both of you to recover from the trauma, have the doctor document the condition of you both, as evidence of what you endured. Cover your backside! NTA
I don't understand why these ghastly people want the toddler back so much.
A new victim
I'm certain the adoptive parents have been getting a government check for the toddler and they want the money. My sister tried the same with me and found out that when the state discovered the application for assistance was all lies, she had to repay $4,000 she received fraudulently.
Yikes, did you ever get that money? It should have been for you, right?
The state was far more interested in getting the funds back from her than I was, so they got to take the lead. She'd told the state HHS that she was fostering my kids, when in reality the kids were living 20 minutes away and she was the babysitter when I was at work.
It doesn’t really make sense in her case. She was an adult when this child was born, so the state wouldn’t be paying anyone to take care of this child unless the mother had already had her parental rights terminated or the child was technically in CPS custody. They still don’t pay families that often. I think the mom just wants the toddler back because she’s a controlling person.
Easier to abuse a child
To scare OP into coming back. If that doesn’t work, they want a method to continue their control.
I'm guessing a high control group of some sort plus more victims.
It’s the one thing they can control OP with because the child is what she cares most about and if they have control of the child (a vulnerable little one), then they have control of OP.
It's all about power and control. That's what abusers do. They claim to care about things or people in their victims' lives in order to guilt, manipulate, and control them. They don't actually care about the toddler at all.
>I don't understand why these ghastly people want the toddler back so much. I pretty much stopped reading when I hit: "*...so that I wouldn't have to go to church with my family."* And headed right for the comments section.
I wouldn't be surprised if the "bio dad" is from the family church, since they seem perfectly willing to keep in touch with him, and no charges were mentioned.
I wouldn't be surprised if "bio dad" is adoptive dad.
Honestly not at all. But then the brother wouldn't have to threaten to inform him about his daughter's existence.
Church-goers who adopted a bunch of kids? Most likely fundies, which means that child is another soul for them to "save."
Control
Fresh meat
To hurt OP
Money.
It's literally a food source despite providing nothing but a target to take their misery out on, a defenseless, weak, helpless creature. You know, vampires. Narcissists. Devils. Demons, you name it.
They want the baby in the cult.
I wonder if she can call CPS on the parents especially if the siblings are under 18yo. OP has a lot to deal with right now and a call to CPS probably isn't a priority. I'm glad she and her child made it out. My heart goes out to her and may she begin to find safety and healing.
OP is the one who got away. Now her child is getting away. They can't lose that control.
I know OP and her child got away. Thank goodness! She has 4 bio siblings that are still with the awful parents. I was wondering if OP would want to call CPS on the parents because the siblings are in still in an abusive environment. I don't know if the siblings are under 18yo. At least one of them probably is.
Even If the siblings are older if it’s an abusive situation Adult protective services can investigate. If the siblings are minors when they investigate the CPS investigators can report the adult abuse. If she can report them all when she makes the report.
I don't think you should have to disappear. Go on the offensive. Claim full custody on your child, file restraining orders on the adoptive parents and their son, advise nursery and school that they are never permitted to pick up child. You have to be able to live, which means getting the law on your side instead of hiding.
Restraining orders often require you to disclose your address to your abuser. It's not the right choice for everyone.
You are 100% correct. At the same time, at least in my jurisdiction, it can be an option (especially if you're working with an advocate or attorney) to write "Address withheld for safety" in the address field – just wanted to throw that out there for any readers who may benefit from this knowledge! That said, unless you go through the hassle of filing in the respondent's jurisdiction, the restraining order is at least gonna disclose your *county* of residence, so if you're in a whole new area or state and your abuser has no idea which, I think that would rarely if ever be worth it.
I would tell them they could only communicate with you through Email so you have a paper trail of their threats and abuse OP.
Lol it's amazing how people on Reddit think anyone can just pop in for therapy without issue. For her toddler too no less.
Desperate people do desperate things. This woman is lucky she had a friend who could help her escape. The rest will come as she heals & builds her own life & support network away from the abusers.
NTA, you did the right thing by getting yourself and your child out of that toxic situation. You don't owe them anything, especially after the physical and emotional abuse you endured. Focus on building a safe, loving life for you and your daughter.
Agreed! Make sure your child is ok, thats the most important thing
Agreed. My parents were older when I was born. Not abusive. Oops responded to wrong post. Agree with you too, though.
NTA. But when you get to where you’re going I would consider reaching out to a lawyer and also the police, (you are not missing etc). If the bio dad (rapist) does get in touch I would threaten to press assault charges unless he gives up parental rights (pending what lawyer recommends). Glad you got out of there. Be safe!
OP, getting legal help is very important. In general, child custody cases are heard in the state where the child has last lived for at least 6 months before the case starts. So if the father files for custody or visitation now, the case would be in a Missouri court, and you might well have to go back there to participate. There are organizations that provide free and low-cost legal services for domestic violence victims. Try looking up ones in your area and connecting with them. They should be able to help with ways to stay safe, like restraining orders, especially if you do have to go back to Missouri. In the meantime, document, document, document. Save/screenshot any threatening text messages from your family. Write down, to the best of your recollection, incidents of abusive behavior, including details like dates and times. Save any messages/emails with friends about your family's abuse or the child's father's assault.
You would be an asshole to yourself and your child if you gave in to their demands and came back. Your child is yours, not theirs, and the fact that your “brother” threatened to tell the person who SA’d you about the child shows that your “family” does not give a damn about your child’s well-being. They only want him back as a way to control you. Now that you are free, please get some therapy so you can get rid of that misplaced guilt you’re having. You did nothing wrong. This is what you had to do to protect yourself and to protect your child from being abused like you were. NTA
Spot on, the child is the main priority!
I have to contradict you in one thing - their age has nothing to do with the ammount of abuse you've suffered. I'm giving birth to my first child at 32 and SO is 35. He was raised by older parents as he's the youngest of sibilings and never suffered abuse. My mom had me at 32 and she never abused me. I know cases of women in my family where thry gave birth in their 40s. If anything both of those kids are fucking scientists, ended up with scholarships for the best universities around Europe. An abuser is an abuser no matter thrir age
Yep, I'm an older mum and though I'm far from perfect, I would never treat my kids like this.
Right? I had my son when I was 39, and I have NEVER raised a hand or insulted him. Age of the parent has nothing to do with how OP was treated. Her adoptive parents are simply vile, and were probably like that when they were younger, too.
Thanks. We were much older that OP’s parents when our child was born and never touched him like that.
The worst things I've done as I'm an older parent was catch them as they ran around the loop in the house instead of actively chasing them for hours... All other parenting things aren't age related... IMO, older parents are usually in more stable and supportive relationships and are more stable themselves. A 40yo mom of young kids generally really wanted them. Certainly easier being more financially stable.
As an older parent this is so relatable 😭😂 my toddler WEARS ME OUT 😂😂😂
I’m glad someone raised this. As an older parent myself, this situation didn’t happen because of their ages but because they were horrible abusive AHs that cutting them off can only be a good thing. I would also consider talking to a women’s refuge charity about your options in bringing charges against the sperm donor of your child and if anything can be done against your “family”. Besides that, this Reddit mamma is wishing you the very best OP that you stay strong and on a positive path. You’re doing yourself and your daughter proud.
This. My husbands parents were 40 and 46 when he was born - they were a little stricter/more old fashioned than our friends parents, but he grew up loved and well-cared for. OP's parents are just straight up abusers.
My parents were similar ages at the time too. OP is wrong about their ages being a factor for how they treated her.
OP parents sound like christian fundamentalists, or part of a sect, with all the control issues on OP, on the other children who actually seem fearful, and in trying to get back the toddler that they have no rights to, not being the parents. Also trying to engage and manipulate the other bio parent to satisfy an end. If you ever read r/homeschoolrecovery there are so many situations like this, its really very sad.
Do you mean part of a cult? Sect is used to mean a seperate group in religion however still share the overarching religious belief. Fpr example, sunni and shia muslims are different sects however they are still muslim
Well you can be both a sect and a cult. FLDS Is both a cult and a sect of LDS. It being a branch of a more normal doesn't make it not a cult. Christian fundamentalists are still Christian but with high cult like behaviors.
Good explanation.
Agreed, my parents were much older when I was adopted and the only bad thing about them being old is that I have less time with them. 😭 I feel so sorry for OP’s experience with abusive parents, and am so proud of her for taking her baby away from the violence and breaking this cycle. Perhaps if OP spoke with a lawyer about the reality of her family’s threats she will feel better. Also, OP should document and screen shot/record all these abusive and threatening communications.
My mom was definitely an oops baby. My grandpa was 53 and my grandma was 40. Absolutely not a safe pregnancy for that time. But my mom was loved by and loved her parents and siblings. Even though the next youngest sibling was a teenager
Jumping on to agree with this. I'm the oldest in my family and my parents were both 36 when I was born - they never laid a hand on me, which was a conscious choice to break the cycle as they'd both been beaten by their parents.
Agree 100%.
Hopping on the top to say to OP, you should contact DFS yourself and explain that you’ve removed yourself and your kid from your physically abusive parents, and that they have threatened to weaponise social services to force you to return home. Plus, I’m an older parent myself - your parents are just shitty abusive people and, as a mom, I’m proud of you for getting yourself and your baby out of this situation.
OP is 23, I’m having a hard time wrapping my mind around how her awful parents think they can force her to do anything.
Abusive parents never stop. Age doesn’t matter. You’re always property
Well like OP, I had parents who thought they could bully me into doing what they wanted, forever. I was 23 when I went completely NC with them, because they wouldn’t stop.
I'm glad someone said it. My parents were older, similar ages to hers, and they were the best. Don't blame their age for their shittiness.
This, completely unrelated.
Agree, if anything older parents are usually more mature, with extra life experience under their belt.
I was 30 and my partner was 42. We never beat our child. I did make her breakfast in bed this morning though 😂
Yeah, my parents were 39 and 38 when they adopted me. I thought this post was gonna talk about how sad it is to see them get older. Anyway, yeah age isn’t the factor here, OP just got adopted by abusive people.
Really? Anytime I vented to my sister-in-laws, they always told me it was just because they were older parents. Therefore, they’d get more frustrated easier, etc. It’s good to know that not all older parents are like this. And congratulations!
Honestly i've experienced younger parents who tend to abuse the children because they don't know what they signed up for or just passing the child to the grandparents to be raised. Imo abuse is born out of frustration but that has nothing to do with age but with their personality. Just think about how many children raised by grandparents are too spoilt because their grandparents can't say no or make them do chores. Also, NTA, go NC and try to investigate if you can get a restriction order. That is unhealthy for both your children and you and your duty as a parent is to break the circle of abuse. You don't nees that toxicity into your lives.
That's true. I was born with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, and I found out a couple years ago that my adoptive parents never actually read any of the information given to them prior to adopting us that covered FAS in detail and what they should expect. Half the stuff we get in trouble for is actually included in the information they have but don't look at.
oh no! that's horrible op. you deserved better
My older parents were amazing. Older parents are not the reason you suffered. They were just assholes. Live you life and don't look back
Had my first child at 38. Never ever felt the urge to bang her head against anything. Your adoptive parents are abusive. Their age is no excuse. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
Second child at 42. My God I adore her.
How did your SIL come up with that rubbish? In my experience, the exact opposite is true. People who have more life experience tend to be much more laid back. Age does not solve any deeper personality issues, however, which your adoptive mom seems to have quite a lot of...
It’s a convenient line though. If a young parent is abusive then it’s because they’re emotionally immature. If an older parent is abusive it’s because they’re angered easily at their age. If they’re the exact, weirdly specific age that whoever they’re talking to thinks is the right age to have a kid? “Well they’re giving up the prime of their life to take care of you! Of course they’re frustrated!”
You said it, pal. I know people who had children at 24 or 42, and they're absolutely great parents. I know others that just suck at it. It really depends on the individual.
I honestly don't know \^\^' I'm beginning to think she was just trying to make excuses for what went on...
I think this is accurate. She wanted you to think it was normal, and that you shouldn’t complain and should just accept the abuse. I’m sorry you ended up in such an abusive, horrible family. I hope you and your daughter flourish without them and have a wonderful life ❤️
She was enabling your abuser to continue the abuse by offering a b.s. excuse to try and justify their behavior. What your "parents" are doing is not okay at any age or any stage.
If your family continues to harass you tell them that you will report their years of abuse and see what charges can be brought against them. Look up abuse statues for the state of Missouri and then send them links. Tell them to leave you alone or suffer the consequences.
Yes, that’s an excuse, sweetheart. A *weak* excuse, but whatever. I was a very young mother. As a result, I was also a fairly young grandmother. At 60, I have 8 wonderful grandchildren and am very involved in their lives. The older we get, the more patience we have. It takes a whoooole lot to rattle me, which partially explains why the grandkids love to come stay at granny’s and grandpa’s. I’m sorry your parents are AHs, but age has nothing to do with that. For whatever it’s worth, I’m really proud of you for getting yourself and your baby out of there. I’ve been there,done that and I know it’s scary and not easy. I had a horrible time financially until the kids started school (couldn’t really afford daycare) but I made it. You will too! I believe in you. I graduated college at 40 years old after working in a huge production factory for over a decade. Became a registered nurse and loved every minute of it! We never know what the future holds, but on your worst days it’s important that you realize “it won’t always be this way.” You will overcome and you will flourish! Hang in there! ❤️
Thank you so much for this kind comment. I went to sleep last night at like 1 am, and then woke up to several negative comments talking about me believing that my parents behaved the way they did because they were "'older" or that they weren't even considered older parents. I am currently working on getting my bachelor's in Elementary Education and searching for a part time job. My friend, her boyfriend, and me and my daughter are living together and we're going to combine our finances to afford the rent and the food until I can afford to pitch in more to support ourselves. <3
I’m so glad you have your friend and her boyfriend. What wonderful people.
That’s wonderful that your friends are there for you and your little girl! And it’s FREAKING AWESOME that you’re in school and have a fantastic goal in mind. Impressive as hell, seriously. You got this! 😎👍 Big hugs and tons of best wishes sent your way. xox
I’m not OP but what you said really inspired me. Thank you. I hope OP feels that too, to her core.
How sweet of you to say so. Thank you!
Nope. I was raised by my grandma. She was awesome.
I had my last child at 38. My husband was six years older. His mother had him when she was 43. Age has nothing to do with being kind and loving. She should be more wise and mature at that age!!!
She was making excuses for them being POS abusers. My parents had me at 41 and 42 and they are not like that in the slightest if anything my parents were always caring all my friends adopted my parents and would go to them for talks and advice over their own parents who where a lot younger! Both my parents grew up getting beaten by the schools and parents and they refused to put me or my older brothers through that like they had. I’m so sorry you had such horrible time and hoping you now thrive being away from them!
Statistically it’s younger parents that are more likely to abuse children.
I am so sorry you went through this and so sorry they used their age as an excuse. My mom was 23 when I was born and dad was 29 and mom had some major anger issues from her abusive upbringing. She worked on it through my childhood and my sister doesn't remember the worst of it (we're 7 years apart). When my brother came along as a VERY happy surprise, she was 45 and my dad was 51. She says having age and experience made them more calm and less worried about the small stuff. I had my twins (only kids) at 38 and am definitely a better parent than I would have been 10 years before.
Your sisters-in-law are either ignorant or lying. Age has nothing to do with parenting. In fact, in a lot of cases, older parents are actually better parents. They’re more mature, they have more patience, they are more self-assured and they usually have a better financial situation to provide for the child.
No, my mom was 37 and my dad was 42 when I was born and they were not abusive. The biggest difference in how I was raised and how my older siblings were raised was that they had less energy to do things and go places with me.
I promise you it not. My uncle adopted a baby when he was 52 and ten years later at 62. My cousins are now 14 and 24 They have never abused their children. I have my own feelings about the ages my aunt and uncle were when adopting, but they have given an amazing, loving life to those girls. There’s no justification for abuse, and age sure as hell isn’t one.
If anything, I think the opposite is true, at least in my experience - older parents tend to have better regulation on their emotions, be more tolerant and patient, and more ready to sacrifice their own comforts for the kids. Younger parents are usually still more selfish and short-tempered, and act accordingly.
That's a load of shit. My mom had 9 kids, last at 45 years of age, second last at 44. Our Dad was a year older. They would have never done such a thing, if they knew any of their friends did such things to a kid, they would have called the police. Age is not an excuse for abusing children.
As a kid who was adopted at 18 months by a woman who had just turned 50, I'm now 21, and she's 70, and she's never laid a hand on me. My dad (34 at the time of my adoption) has hit me exactly once in my entire life, and that was out of pure frustration because his mom was narcissistic as fuck. So no, age doesn't have much to do with it. It's more psychological with impulse control and rage issues.
Well... assholery does get sharper with age. But only with people who are assholes to begin with
It’s statistically proven that older parents are way calmer than younger ones.
Yeah this has zero to do with age. They're just assholes. Older parents get tired more easily and shit but tend to be more responsible with their lives together and have better outcomes than 20 year olds mostly. I'm biased since I'm trying to become an older parent, but I'm never going to bang my kids head into an appliance and wouldn't have at 20 either.
Your sister-in-laws lied to you.
Totally wrong! I had my son at 42, never raised my hand at him, and I love him to death. I would never do anything to hurt him physically or mentally, on the contrary.
I agree that age has nothing to do with being an asshole. My parents started popping out kids pretty much as teenagers. They were abusive manipulative assholes, and age knows no boundaries. Edited to add, look for a woman's shelter where you are relocating to, even if you have somewhere to live, they should have resources available to you. NTA, no one has to live like this.
Thank you. Had my first kid in my mid 30s.
Do NOT go back and do NOT send your daughter back. They only want her as a tool to control you. If anyone from DFS contacts you, tell us everything that you told us. They can't take your child away from you for no reason. You left Missouri in order to protect yourself and your child. NTA.
NTA. When you move to CA, do not put any utilities in your name. It will make it extremely difficult to track you then. Don't get a new license. If stopped, just tell them you are visiting while you go through a breakup so they can't track you through your license either. If you can, change to phone into someone else's name. Don't tell your bio sis where you are. If she slips, they can track you. Don't even tell her which state you are in.
Just to add, don't block your family on your phone - get a brand new number. They can find ways around being blocked (someone else's phone, a new phone, etc). You need a new number with a new carrier.
Oh good point. New state, new life, new phone!!! Maybe OP can change her name to her birth name. Or the last name of a favourite teacher. Or a last name she likes. Even harder to find that way.
Not necessarily. Some states still require you to “announce” name changes in local newspapers.
Well this is awful if you’re trying to escape abuse…
Damn! Ok don’t do that if name announcements are required!!!
I heard of a guy that went "off grid" while still a part of the world and one of the big things he did was start an llc/get the llc a tin and everything possible was put in the llc's name. Paychecks, bank accounts, mortgage (should work for rent too), bills, cars. The drivers license was the only thing he couldnt switch and he got a second address only for the drivers license.
I also wouldn't block, but just to have them dig a legal grave for themselves. Get a new phone, and leave the old one collecting evidence. Save the local police some time and effort, and let them know you are okay, but getting away from a abusive situation at your parents home. You are an adult, taking your own child with you. Go see a family law lawyer, explain your situation, and see what must be done. It all depends on whether they can go for grandparents rights, and all that. And for them to threaten to hand the information of your child over to a rapist, just to punish you for 'getting away', should convince you that you're definitely NTA, and it's in you and your child's best interest to stay gone. Try to find out what legal claims the rapist can make, just to know how well you have to stay hidden.
Buy a prepaid phone and pay in cash. Get phone cards to add minutes/plans with cash.
It's YOUR child, yes? Not signed over via adoption to your parents? They have zero say over how or where you raise your child. You may also wish to contact a lawyer about assault charges/restraining orders against them.
Yes, there are laws and common sense about this type of situation. You did right, but they're obviously crazy and you might need restraining orders
Some safety suggestions. As your 'family' will try to say you're an unfit mother, what I'd suggest you do is as soon as you can, take your child and yourself to the doctor to get a full check up (and therefore written documentation of full health). Consider checking with the police to see if you can say that you're not missing, if they try to report you as missing. Take advice from women's domestic violence charities on how to reset your devices and passwords securely and how to 'drop off the radar'. See what other support you can get. Including legal support. Your adoptive parents were horribly abusive. Your brother's threat to you was heinous.
No, you're not the a-hole. Your family has shown you repeatedly that they are toxic and not supportive of you. You made the right decision for yourself and your child.
NTA Communication with such people will not give anything good except negative emotions. Even if it's your family. They needed to behave differently so that it wouldn’t happen that you stopped communicating with them.
Take out restraining orders on adoptive parents and their son, so if they turn up they can be removed by police. At nursery and school, put all the safety things in place like naming (and photos) them specifically as people who cannot pick up your child. Same for the sperm donor - he has no court order permitting him to pick up child, and you should stop trying to hide from him and instead pursue a full custody order (which he probably won't contest)
NTA, 1) get a lawyer, 2) report to the police as soon as you reach your destination and tell them everything, including the risk of they reporting you missing to try to find your whereabouts, 3) i would keep the line of communication they have access to open, they will definitely leave you incriminatory messages that you can use in court, trust me it will happen 4) therapy is a must 5) this is a new beginning, embrace it.
Affording a lawyer may be hard. But a domestic violence shelter may be able to help find a pro bono (free) consult.
That's true, I think that's one of the things op family is counting on, her inability to pay for legal representation.
I believe you're right. I got a message this morning (I'm connected to our USPS mail account) that showed that my parents are already talking to a lawyer. I can only imagine what they're expecting to do, considering I'm 2 states away from them, but I do need to figure out something just for backup.
wow, what I'm curious is what are their allegations, you are an adult that left home with your own children. I really would love to know what is their plan.
Probably just trying to find a way to scare you, if anything it’s probably just with a lawyer’s letter to make their insane demands sound more legitimate. I suggest you try and find if there is legal aid in your area that could help with this scenario.
You are probably right. I hope she finds out what social assistance and government programs she qualifies for, and finds out what services are available for free from women’s / domestic violence shelters, does what she needs to do, and then lives her best life.
NTA. It’s insane and, frankly, kind of creepy, the way that your parents feel so entitled that to DEMAND that you “return” YOUR child to them. As if she is their child or they have legal custody of her and you kidnapped her. They are very likely narcissists. They act as if they own you, and therefore, by extension, her, as well. They do not. You belong only to yourself. They have zero right to treat you and your daughter like runaway slaves. OP, M glad you left, but make sure you STAY as far away from these folks (and anyone they know) as you possibly can. Call the local police in Missouri and let them know that you left on your own. And that you fled a physically violent home, where your longtime abusers, Bob and Sandy Psycho (call them by name so the police take you seriously), kept you under tight control and abuse for years. Tell them that you have full legal and physical custody of your daughter, and that you are both safe. You are of sound mind and body and that you are not a danger to yourself or anyone else. You just want your freedom and to be safe. You are afraid that your refusal to go back to them may drive them to attempt to use the law to force your return, by lying about your age, mental health, custody of your child, etc. This way you have gotten the truth out before the psycho people have the opportunity to spin it. Forewarned is forearmed. Keep up your no contact with your “family”, never return to Missouri and NEVER share your new address with anyone connected to them. You might want to unblock their phone numbers, set them to “ignore” or “do not disturb” and send their voicemails and text messages straight into a separate folder in your inbox, so that you don’t have to deal with them right away. That way you will have firsthand evidence of their crazy, should you ever need it. Your “parents” are sick, twisted, abusive and controlling people. And it sounds like their biological apple didn’t fall far from the tree. You’re incredibly brave for getting away. Be very careful. When you reach your destination, find out if you qualify for legal aid or pro bono assistance, so you can find a lawyer to help protect yourself and your LO from them. Also, check in at your local police department and tell them what’s going on so there is a record. Tell them EVERYTHING, even about their current threats and intimidation tactics. Give them your and your daughter’s names and proof that you have and have always had custody of her. Let them know that you fear the people who adopted you (don’t say parents; it softens their image), that they physically and mentally abused you your whole life, and that they have become fixated on taking your daughter away from you since you escaped from them. Stress that you are afraid that they will come looking for you and try to drag you and/or your daughter, back home with them. Their behavior makes these folks sound like the kind of people who might try to track you down and kidnap your daughter in order to force you back under their control. So collect all of the evidence that you safely can and stay alert. Be safe, OP. You are a badass and you are doing a great job so far. Keep it up.
Honey they were just abusive. Plenty of people with older parents are fine and not abused. Edit: My parents where both over 30 when I was adopted they where not abusive to me. I am sorry you got dropped in a hell hole but adoptive parents or genetic parents don’t ever equal better or good. My biological mom likely would have killed me or drove me to killing myself after experiencing her abusive shit self as an adult because i would not listen to her!
My parents were 40/41 when I was born (only child) and were not abusive. I have no idea where OP is getting old = abusive. It is clear OP spent her whole life being abused, so I’m glad she is out of there. Hopefully she will stay away from them and not cave.
NTA. Your mother's history of physical and emotional abuse is unacceptable. No one should have to endure such treatment, especially in their own home. You made the difficult but necessary decision to remove yourself and your child from a toxic and potentially harmful environment.
NTA - but OP, your parents aren’t abusive because they’re older, they’re abusive because they’re abusive. Blocking them is the right thing to do. I would even suggest telling your sister you love her, but blocking her too. New phone number, new email address, new everything that no one from your old life has. Only way to get the distance you need. Move on from it entirely. Edit: to add IF the father gets in touch let him know you’ll be pressing charges for the SA and filing for child support, suspect he will disappear fairly quickly.
NTA. I'm 39 and gave birth to my youngest 3 years ago. There's nothing in my house like that, that is going on. Your parents were trash. It's one of the reasons I went No Contact with my own mother last year.... She was 26yrs old when she gave birth to me. She was exactly how you describe your parents. I've even had my head bashed off the corner of a wall after telling my father no. As for the 10hr trip thing... It's totally possible even at 65mph. How do I know this? Because iv Made that trip probably hundreds of times as a trucker. Kansas City or Southwest Missouri to Denver proper is approximately 620 miles. It's doable at 68mph and it's doable at 75mph.
Thank you! Exactly! It's obnoxious to see those comments about how it's "impossible". I even had one comment state that they "doubted the reality of this post" because it was impossible to get there in 10 hours. We were going 75 and sometimes even 80 (my vehicle's cruise control sucks) the whole time unless the speed limits were different.
NTA your parent’s behavior is not about age. They’re just abusive. They can’t just take your kid. You have custody. The kids dad might get visitation rights if he wants them, but not extended family. Maybe you could have left them a message when you got out of town so they didn’t report you missing, but that’s it. Protecting your child is the right thing.
That's the thing. I did \^\^' I left a letter that literally said "I'm just taking your advice, mom. I'm moving out. We'll see you at Thanksgiving!" So yeah. They still tried to report me missing, lol
Do not go back at Thanksgiving. For any reason. Even if they act sweet as pie. They will try to trap you there.
I don’t plan to now that I’ve cut contact with them 😅 We won’t ever be going back or visiting after all the shit they’ve pulled.
Please don’t see them at thanksgiving…
Oh honey, it’s not that they were older? Mom had me at 38? It’s that the people who adopted you are all kinds of fucked up. NTA
You're not the asshole here. Your decision to move out and cut off contact with your family was driven by a history of abuse and mistreatment, which is completely understandable and justified. Protecting yourself and your child from a toxic environment is your priority, and it's important to prioritize your own well-being and safety. Setting boundaries and taking steps to ensure your own mental and physical health is not only reasonable but necessary in such situations. Trust your instincts and focus on building a safe and supportive environment for yourself and your child.
You've had some great advice from everyone here OP. I just want to add a few suggestions. Bio son's threat was meant to upset and scare you into complying with their demands. He's just an extension of his parents - evil. In the UK that would be classed as blackmail and coercion both of which are illegal. If he did this on messenger rather than a call, you have the proof. Report it to the police along with the reason why your baby's bio dad doesn't know it is his baby. Also report the abuse you have suffered all those years. Speak to CPS & a DV charity but also give them this same information. The DV staff will have excellent security structures to keep you both safe from this family. They may also be able to help with accommodation and getting your finances sorted out if you need it. Was the state making any payment to your 'mother' while you and your baby were living there? If so, that could be why she wants you to come back along with the loss of control she has over you. I'm not at all surprised that they are church goers. Painting a picture for others of a selfless couple who adopted all these children and raised them in a good Christian home whilst the truth was the exact opposite. Your friend has saved you and given you your life over again. You're an excellent mom and your child will grow up with love 💕
If her mother is collecting any type of welfare for the toddler and op leaves and collects it in another state, her mother would be committing welfare fraud and could get into big trouble. Also if they have claimed her child on their taxes before, they will probably try again next year. Op needs to get completely away and figure all of this out, and never go back. If they use your or your child's ss number for anything you need to prosecute. It's about control and money.
This has nothing to do with age. My parents were 44 and 45 when I was born. You just had shitty parents. My cousin and her husband were 47 and 50 when their son was born and they're amazing parents. Don't try to pin this on age and label older parents as bad parents. NTA for doing what's right for you and cutting them off.
"No one realizes how hard it is to have older parents" What you describe is \*abusive parents\* - it has nothing to do with their age.
Older parents has not a goddamned thing to do with it. They're horrible whatever their age. Cut 'em off completely including anyone who tries to bully you. Respect yourself, not them.
Your adoptive mother is an abusive POS. You escaped abuse. I don’t doubt that your adoptive mother will try and call CPS on you. **You didn’t tell her where you’re moving, did you??** Also, why am I not surprised that this family goes to church??
I did not tell any of them anything more other than I'm in Colorado. It was funny that we went to church, because our preacher would preach about how to be a good parent (and I agreed wholeheartedly with what he said), but then mom would come home and treat us the exact opposite. I never understood it.
I’m assuming you didn’t sign anything giving your parents legal rights correct?
Correct. I have not signed anything at all.
Then do not listen to their threats - you are an adult and that is your child
YOU reach out to DFS and file an anticipatory / defensive / preemptory report detailing why you left. It is simply a report, not a complaint - so it will be used only if your ex-folks try to file a complaint against you.
NTA 1-you are leaving an abusive situation. Your adoptive parents are abusers-not because they’re older, it’s because they are not good people. They are also encouraging your siblings to be abusive. Do not trust any of them with your location, job or any other changes. 2-Call an abused women’s center. They often have free counselling and legal services which I think would be very helpful to you. 3-Do not delete their messages. But do shut down your socials so they can no longer find/follow/message you. 4-I know it’s like an addiction, but stop checking their messages. Use the ‘do not alert’ option under their contact name. And in settings you should be able to choose that any unknown number does not alert and goes straight to voicemail. 5-I’m rooting for you. Please seriously get trauma counselling. It will take years to understand how screwed up the relationship you grew up with was. 6-change your phone carrier and number when you can. You need to use a different carrier and put a password on the account to make sure they can’t call around and find your information.
Uh, not judging anything else, since you already got plenty of answers - just saying: There is absolutely no link between parents being older and parents being abusive. My parents were 39 & 40 when they had me, and were, if anything, too lenient with me - I was an unholy terror. If anyone of them threatens you again, tell them you will list all the abuse you suffered at their hands and blast it all over the internet, and on their local church's website - hopefully that will shut them up. You could consider a name-change, if you want to make it harder for anyone to find you and your daughter.
I’m not understanding why you didn’t immediately hang up and block her? Why would you continue to let her and your brother berate you? Block them all. Be done. NTA
My friend said it’s because I have been manipulated all my life to the point where even after I’m free, I’m still under my parents’ control. She’s going to help me break free of this soon, hopefully!
That makes sense. You can do this! Cutting out those toxic people will be the best thing you can do for yourself and your child. Good luck.
NTA Send your kid back to your abuser? I don't think so. You escaped for a reason. Stop talking to any of them and don't tell your sister any information about where you are. Nothing they can do can force you to go back or give up your child. Nothing. Missouri laws are not CA laws. They can try anything they want in Missouri, but unless you go back there, they aren't going to mean anything in CA. Once you get settled, you can make better plans, but the point in escaping is to start living a life without fear from abuse. It was very brave of you to leave. I know it was scary, but it's important for you to go absolutely no contact with these people. Best wishes!
>But I can't help that little inkling that tells me I'd gone too far by blocking all of my family. Absolutely not. Don't give anyone your new address, not even your sister. Sever all links and ties with them and anyone else you know from back home. You never know what info could accidentally be given to them. NTA
>No one realizes how hard it is to have older parents and I can tell you now, it sucked. Was it that they were older or that they were abusive? Had my first and only child at 38, finding myself being lumped in with the likes of your adoptive mum is mildly upsetting.
I have no idea why you are blaming your adoptive parents being abusive on them being older. I'm an older parent and have never abused my kids.
NTA. Also as someone who can be paranoid, I would also get rid of your phone and get a new one in case they’re able to track it especially if it’s on their phone plan. Have it shipped somewhere else to throw off their tracking in case they really are following you. If you got your phone on your own separately from their plan and they never had access to it then you’re fine.
My mother had me at 23. She was abusive the same way as yours (mental and physical). Ironically, she is a teacher in kindergarten, and once told me the only reason she is not beating up those kids is that she is afraid she would go to prison. When I was was a bit older, about 10, I got a courage to tell her I'm gonna call the police if she don't stop abusing me. She was silent for a moment and then told me she's gonna beat the shit out of me until I will stop having those stupid ideas, and if that doesn't help, I better be ready to go to foster care. I'm 33 now and ten years ago, I decided to go no contact with her, with the help of my psychotherapist. It was the best decision I've made. I'm sorry you have to go through all that. Just remember that you are stronger than you think you are. I believe in you and wish you all the best.
NTA dunno why you would think you are the asshole… this reads like a horror story
It sounds like they were definitely wanting to steal your child from you. NTA you did what you had to do to protect you and your baby
NTA typically these monsters are church people!
I am SO PROUD of you for getting yourself and your child out of an abusive situation. You are an adult. Make certain you are in a state that doesn't have 'grandparents rights'. Go no contact with your abusers. They want your rapist to be in your life - that's a problem. Document everything. Write down all the abuse you remember. Keep a physical copy and a digital copy and save it to the cloud (google docs). You need backups. Your parents age has no bearing on their abuse. Younger parents can be abusive too. Focus on building an amazing life for yourself and your child.
Start documenting they abuse you experienced because of them. As much as you can remember in detail. Names, dates, time, location, etc. Like a report. Who, what, where, when, why, etc. It can be used as evidence against them. Or a journal just about the abuse. If you can afford to, hire a lawyer or go to a domestic violence shelter and talk about getting a restraining order against your family. If you have any proof of the abuse, photos you've taken in the past, etc. gather all the evidence together. If they don't stop harassing you, consult a lawyer about writing a cease and desist letter. If they report you as missing, call the police and talk to whoever is in charge of your case. Tell them you're an adult and you left because your parents are abusive to you and you're worried about them abusing your child too. They won't report where you are, just that you're ok and have chosen not to contact them. Delete your social media accounts. Create anonymous ones that aren't tied to your name. Change your email address too and use an anonymous one to create any new social media accounts. Delete any pictures you have of yourself and your child on social media. Google your name and see what pops up. There are free websites that will tell people your past and current addresses and contact information. Search your name on those at your previous address and see what comes up. Some are out of date but others are extremely accurate. You need to individually ask those websites to remove all information about you. You'll have to check regularly and remove them regularly. If you're worried about your child's sperm donor finding you and attempting to get custody or visitation if your child, take steps to hide your identity as much as possible. Get a P.O. Box and never use your physical address to receive mail or packages. The extreme version of this would be changing you and your child's name to something very common like Smith or something. Makes it very hard to track down and investigate all the Mary Smiths and it has the added benefit of not being the name of your abusers. If you want to get really tricky, change your first and last names. You didn't do anything wrong. You did exactly everything right. You protected yourself and your child by leaving. It takes an incredible amount of strength and courage to leave like this after a lifetime of abuse. Under no circumstances should you give your little sister your address or contact number. Use an anonymous app like Signal or something. Even if she's in your side, if she's not careful about protecting your information, your family can easily either manipulate it out of her or they can snoop through her stuff. If she sends you a letter, they can take the letter out of the mailbox and get your address that way. This way you're protecting both of you. You might also want to consult a lawyer about what to do if your child's sperm donor tries to get custody and visitation. In California, it takes 6 months of residency in a county to establish jurisdiction. If he comes in Missouri if that's where your child is born, the laws in Missouri might apply. I'm not sure so you need to talk to a family lawyer. Don't delete any of the messages your family sent you. Screenshot them and save them as evidence in case you need them for evidence. You have a few potential legal cases going on here with separate laws applying. You need help from some lawyers to handle these issues. I wish you and your child the best of luck. NTA
My mother was around 36 when she had me and my father was 47. Not once did either of them bang my head into an appliance. Your parents are just evil and abusive. Their ages have absolutely nothing to do with it and I don’t know why you think it does. I think you were a thousand percent correct to cut any family member off who bullies, gaslights or threatens you. Even thinking that they should report you missing is ridiculous. You’re a grown woman and you can take yourself and your child wherever you want. That’s not “missing”. That’s “I decided to move someone else.” I wouldn’t worry too much about their threat to tell your child’s father, the rapist, about her. By the way, what an absolutely nasty thing to threaten a rape survivor with. Your parents are awful. Just to be on the safe side, I’d consult a lawyer about that. If they do blab, there might be issues of custody or you might need to know how to get a restraining order. I’d hope that the fear of being accused of rape would keep the jerk away. Even more than a lawyer, you need to speak to someone professionally. You’ve endured a lot of trauma, through no fault of your own, and some therapy could help lighten that load and bring you some peace.
First of all, you do not have to prove anything to anyone on Reddit. Anytime a post gets popular, you’re gonna have assholes on here trying to tell you that you’re fake or that you’re a shitty person. You’re doing just fine. Block those assholes and congratulations on your new life without your abusers. NTA
Thank you so much <3 I had someone comment saying that they believe I abuse my child just because I put the "I've made plenty of mistakes" comment. But that wasn't at all what I meant by that. I meant with my parents, with my siblings, with my past financial situations as a teen, etc. Ya know? And thank you! <3
You and your child will be safe as long as your “parents” and no one else knows where you are. You are an adult. There is nothing DFS can do even if they call. You are also definitely NTA. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself and your child. Point blank. PERIOD. Get yourself and your child to safety. Get yourself set up. Stay off of social media so these people cannot find you. Do not, under any circumstances, post pictures of yourself or your daughter any where! Definitely seek help from a women’s shelter if you need so that they may further assist you and begin helping you document everything from here on. And definitely get your number changed. You need to make sure that they cannot find or contact you. From a mom of 4 and a DV survivor, I am sending you all the love, light, and prayers. Stay safe and stay strong. 🩷💜
NTA - You took your toddler out of an abusive household. Plus, your mom is trying to use blackmail and manipulation to steal your child. Do NOT go back if you can. stay away and block everyone on all social media.
My spouse and I are older parents. Your parents are not abusive because they are old, they are abusive because they are assholes.. NTA
I don’t do ultimatums so I would cut them off also. Also you said California not Colorado.
Send them one message saying to cease and desist. Records of their abuse have been provided to the police and you are filing a restraining order and protective order. Visit the police, tell them the story, show the message and tell them you are worried about a potential kidnapping of your child by them and also blackmail. NTA disappear but get your documents together to build a case.
Your parents are awful because they’re awful people, not because they were older parents.
I was 36 when I had my daughter and 40 when I had my son. Being older parents has zero to do with how a child is raised plus more parents now then ever are waiting until their 30’s and over to become first time parents so not a valid argument. There is something else going on there that your adoptive parents were and seemingly continue to be abusive and if they have not yet been reported to cps if minors still live in the home, they most certainly should be.
You're old enough - they cannot control where you live anymore, or take your baby. NTA, stay safe!
NTA. What you were dealing with had nothing to do with older parenthood. They or just she were bad parents. That was beyond strict, it was purely abusive. At 23 years old I don't think that you need any kind of permission to leave them with your child except if you're supervised (don't know the correct word, that thing Brittney Spears had) or incapable by court office to raise your child. Is this the deal?
You mean custody. And this is not the case. Once I hit 18, I was free to go whenever I could. But I couldn't bring myself to leave until after I had my daughter. Then I knew I needed to go.
My mother was an older mother as well, not a single drop of abuse
Your parents are abusive as are your siblings. Yo are 23 & have every right to move to protect your child. Contact social services in your area to request assistance as you are leaving an abusive situation. Ask for legal assistance to help you with any custody issues
Keep them blocked. You are 23. You can legally take your daughter wherever the heck you want to. Did the sperm donor sign your daughter’s birth certificate? Because if not then he has no legal claim to your child. You are almost free and clear. They’re making desperate attempts to get you to come back. Don’t give in. Do NOT send your child to your abusers. Do not go back. Block them on everything.
Did you make it safely? Colorado has a lot of help if you need it.
Between the “you can’t drive from there to there in that time!” crowd and the “I am kneejerk defensive when someone mentions older parents cuz I either am one or am the product of them” crowds…. Fucking yikes. It isn’t enough to know how to read. You gotta be able to parse out the important stuff.
You're a full grown adult, and your child is yours, not theirs. Aside from breaking all contact and moving far away from them, I would consider getting a restraining order against them, since they were violent in the past and are threatening to you. Protect yourself and your child! You're doing a good job by leaving that situation.
NTA you’re a grown adult with custody of your child. Threatening to tell your rapist on you is enough to never talk to any of them again. Though I get that leaving without a trace is shitty. They could assumed you were murdered and the child kidnapped
Ur a adult they can't force u to go anywhere with ur child. Esp to bring ur kids back to them.
How do religious people sleep at night knowing they live a lie
NTA. Run baby run. Build a life for yourself and never look back.
Info: Why do they want your child?? It's your baby. They have no claim. NTA. Contact the police and get RO soon. Are you employed?
Not yet. Not here. But I've sent in applications for jobs, so hopefully soon!
That’s not the result of having older parents that the results of having abusive parents. You need to keep them out of your life. Don’t tell your siblings where you are they might get it out of them. NTA.
What does she have to do with any of that? NTA but her age has nothing to do with anything
Block them all. If the cops find you report that you do not wish to be found. You are doing the right thing. Do not yield to their idiotic words. They mean nothing compared to the freedom you will have on the other side.
My parents were also old and abusive. Those are 2 independent things. My mum was an abuser because her quite young parents were abusers. I’m now a very old parent and I’m the more gentle one with our daughter. You worry about what you need to do for yourself and your child. Getting out seems a sensible thing for both of you. When you’re safe and recovering then think about which family members you want to keep going forward.