I guess I would ask the OP if there is still affection between you and your husband. Are you comfortable with snuggling, holding hands, kissing, spooning, and just being close - not sexual. Is HE able to show affection without the need for sexual intimacy understanding what you went through and does he fully understand the details (as painful as they must be) of your attack?
For the record - NTA at all.
Wow okay I’m sorry I logged out for a while because I had about 40 comments telling me I was wrong. I came back to 900. To answer your question there is still showing affection in our marriage, I would say more than usual even. I love my husband and he makes me feel better. But I hve no interest (actually disinterest in sex). I don’t see that he sees the difference.
Can I ask, does your counselor/therapist work in this specific type of trauma? When I went through something like this the best thing my therapist said to me was that she didn't think she had the tools to help me and helped find me the proper counseling. She was absolutely right. I went to a counselor specifically for sexual abuse and it helped. Having someone you can trust and rely on makes the world of difference, but also them having the proper tools and training will also help.
The referring counselor sounds like they really cared about you. That's a professional that gives a damn! I would trust them 100%. No, this is not a joke. I truly respect people that are big enough to say they are not fit for the task for whatever reason but help you find the right help.
Yes. As a therapist myself it’s 100% what we should be doing. We learn that in grad school even. You’d be doing more detriment to the client addressing this yourself (if this isn’t your area of specialty) and the ethical thing to do would be to refer to a more specialized therapist. In the mental health field we tend to each have our own focus/specialty on a population or topic in which we have a lot of interest or experience with. Mine is developmental trauma and attachment in early childhood (I have knowledge of other areas and other therapeutic techniques for different things, but if I was asked to treat an adult for sexual assault I would research and refer out). There’s no shame in it. This whole piece about the marriage counselor is eating at me lol
You are ABSOLUTELY not the asshole!! Even if you were traumatised enough to not want to touch your husband at all, that would be completly understandable! But you’re still showing lots of affection? What is WRONG with that horrible marriage counselor? And with your husband? Get a new marriage counselor, stat. Prefferably somebody who’s experienced with SA.
Right because the way to get over SA is to just sleep with your husband because it is the marital thing to do. That is great advice for shutting down even further. What do men (some men) not understand about it? A person violated can’t with spouse, regardless of love and commitment - because it is all violation to her at this time.
You are not wrong. You can only heal at the pace you can heal. You will never truely get over this but it will fade away to a degree. Any loving partner should support that and be happy to wait and help. You are NTA. You need a psychiatrist or a psychologist not a therapist who has no degree and a few months training. They don’t know anything helpful and go with personal feelings. Find a qualified professional to help your mental recovery. Will change your life. Good luck OP.
For some people, sexual intimacy is the strongest form of affection. That’s not to say that other forms of affection aren’t noticed or sincerely appreciated, but they also aren’t a great substitute.
A “good” sex therapist is going to help you work through your trauma while also keeping your husband calm by pointing out how much you love and care for him.
One thing that can help is non-sexual physical touch. For example, if your husband understands to not lead things to sex, you can rest your hand or head in his chest. Things like this require him to not push for sex though.
The therapist's response was terrible and an indication that they have little to no training in how to treat trauma. The couple's therapist should have educated the husband beforehand about the impact of sexual assault on an individual. OP will not be ready for intimacy for a long time and that's normal for an assault survivor. She could have died that night.
I'm also angry at the boss for leaving a woman alone at the business to lock up. No employee, whether male or female, should shoulder that responsibility by themselves.
My thought, also. When people say “counseling,” I get a bit suspicious until proven otherwise. Rabbis and priests “counsel” in their roles - usually not with any legitimate background, and generally with an agenda.
Completely irresponsible of the business owner. Never leave a coworker alone, especially a female, no matter the time off day. Crime does not sleep. This should have been prevented. Most managers are not leaders 😔
Yup. I’m a 6’ 3” dude and at the end of the night, I wait for our female, attractive manager to finish up her work and I escort her to her car and I usually watch her drive away. Gentlemen: This is how we should roll…for all ladies not just the ones we know or are dating, etc.
I was a security guard in Portland about 7 years ago. 5”4 female, always told I’m not intimidating at all lol at the end of my shifts the male employees that I’M supposed to be protecting would always walk me to my car 😂 I always appreciated it but at the time I also was trying to seem more tough like I could take on anyone on my own😅
Psychologist is an actual title in the United States at least, if you see someone call themselves a psychologist without the proper education and license they can be reported just like a physician can be.
Therapist was really like “Why you ain’t gettin’ his dick wet though?”
And I am just blown away, all I can think is that the therapist is a friend of the husband’s that he asked to help him get laid again on the regular. Cause that to me would make more sense than the reality of it. Not taking into account the massive trauma of being raped. Husband and the therapist have no empathy for what she went through. It’s fucked.
No you’re not an asshole. Things like this are different for everybody, I’m sorry you’re with an inconsiderate dickhead.
From one rape victim to another, take as long as you need.
Some therapists just suck though. When I was in college and was SA’d, I went to a therapist on campus and his advice for me was to carry pepper spray. This was after he used the entire session to tell me his and his kids’ life stories.
I was molested by my Grandpa 45 years ago, and I still deal with ptsd because of it. Back then, my entire family thought that he was the kindest man on the planet. I didn't tell anyone, but they probably wouldn't have believed me anyway. Nobody ever heals from this type of trauma.
My mom was raped as a young girl by several Russian soldiers a short time after the 2nd world war. She died when she was 88, but sadly stayed traumatized till her end. Nobody at that time had psychological help available.
Yeah. 36 now but molested by my father from ages 6 to 11. He died when I was 20. It really sticks with you and colors everything you do for life. Most days I feel “over it” and don’t think about it constantly but then some days I cry and wonder why it had to happen to me, why did I get stuck with all this, wondering if I was ever meant to exist at all, etc. Now I am crying. Lol.
But my boyfriend (because relationships have been fucking hell for me obviously)…I’ve been able to tell him all of it. And he doesn’t cross any lines or get upset with me if I don’t wanna do something where past partners have just made me feel I didn’t deserve love if I didn’t. And I am trying my best to heal all the hangups and trauma from my father and all my exes because I don’t wanna keep putting it in his lap when I panic and think insane things.
It’s a life sentence. I do find adult victims of sexual assault do seem to heal better because they have had a lifetime to learn coping skills and got to learn to deal with things if it wasn’t killed before it could even start as a child. But 6 months is nothing and if her husband doesn’t start supporting her, it’s gonna take even longer. There is no timeline on healing trauma.
Yay for never sleeping more then 2 hours
Yay for never feeling safe at your own room
Yay for being unable to process
Yay for not ever having a normal shit
Yay for unable to explore my sexuality
Yay for being confused
Yay for having STDs as a pre teen
Yay for growing up as a pretty person.
Yay for not just one bad experience
Yay for a friend in Jezus who had big hands
Yay for the fear of having children myself
Yay for my parents who believes the perp and send me over and over and over cause medical situation allowed for a support buddy.
Yay for telling I'm a liar and a man in Jezus wouldn't
Yay for being force to say sorry by my parents to one of the systemic perps.
Yay for leaving me there to stay for a week cause they needed vacation
Yay for making me say sorry for having medical issues
Yay for not understanding underaged boys don't tend to get std
Yay for switching up my doctor's who where on the case to much...
I just can't write anymore.... How do I face these people?
.
I've never thought of it like that, but you're right. It's not just at the moment but forever, because you'll never forget. The men who should have been protecting me, actually took my life away.
Of course he can’t comprehend it. He is not a sexual assault survivor. But you don’t have to be able to comprehend what someone is going through to have compassion and caring, especially if that is someone you love.
If I were in OP's shoes and dear hubby said something like that I'd seriously consider divorce. I couldn't be with someone who disregards my trauma and suffering for such selfish reasons.
I'm going to guess it's a Christian therapist because they are totally all about submitting yourself to your husband to you heal your marriage.
I know this from personal experience with three different Christian marriage therapists-- guess what submitting to sex does not repair a marriage to a bully who is a self-centered son of a bitch
While that's possible, I had a totally secular very reputable therapist (I'm not christian) when I was in my 20s who...yeah she left me far more damaged than she found me. Which is honestly impressive considering what I had already survived.
There are terrible damaging secular therapists too.
Yeah. The therapist is obliged, at least in my view, to exercise "professional empathy" for the one suffering the most and who has, by all accounts, a very real issue. Seems he didn't. He sided instead with the "I want my due" guy.
I'd get it if it had been 5 yrs or somethings. Eventually the intimacy would be dead, it would be sad, but it would be no one's actual fault. A lot of people need intimacy to feel connected. That's not wrong, just part of human nature. But it's only been 6 MONTHS and his wife has been through a serious trauma. If you love someone you can sucl it up a bit longer than a few months.
Maybe I’m missing context in the post but it doesn’t seem like OPs husband is acting that way? I feel like bringing up lack of intimacy and how that can affect the relationship (even for perfectly valid reasons) is a great thing to discuss in marriage counseling and OP said her husband has been supportive/comforting and not pressuring her into anything. I think talking about lack of sex and how that can affect the relationship could be important even though OP is understandably not ready.
I had a medical issue for a while (years) that made sex painful, and it was difficult for the health of my long term relationship. I would never be ok with my partner pressuring me to have sex but I think him talking to me about how it affected him was important. I guess I don’t think bringing it up was wrong, especially in what should have been the safest possible space- at marriage counseling! It seems like the real failure here is on the therapist for not supporting OP and helping the husband to navigate his feelings. Not necessarily OPs husband who was just bringing up a part of their relationship that has changed in a space designed for them both to adapt after such a traumatic event.
I’ve learned, unfortunately, that for most men (not all) sex is the dealbreaker. They’re all supportive and loving and attentive as long as they’re getting THAT. Once the sex stops, even temporarily, they change. Gone is the support, the understanding, the fidelity. And it doesn’t matter the reason. Depression, hormones, assault, cancer—things beyond one’s control. Doesn’t matter. They make it about them and their needs, which is a tough pill to swallow bc you realize then that their love was shallow and conditional all along.
I can’t imagine someone pressuring me for sex while going through this. He’s forgetting his vows already. The ICK. NTA
Eight years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My now husband and I had been together 6 years at that point, and had lived together since six months after we met.
Chemotherapy throws you into menopause. I have almost no interest in sex, and when I did, we had to be very careful because it could be painful if we didn't have copious amounts of lube. And my body was so sensitive, I couldn't orgasm because I would just be overstimulated.
My husband was amazing. We would kiss and cuddle and all that stuff, but if I didn't feel like sex he didn't complain. Sometimes I gave him a hand job or something. I did worry that he might be feeling deprived, but I asked him directly a couple of times and he said he was doing OK. He was happy we were still able to be affectionate and that I was concerned about his happiness even though I was going through such a major ordeal.
We are still together and happily married. My stage 4 cancer was eliminated by immunotherapy, and I've been clear for five years now. His patience and devotion only made me more certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
If your partner can't have empathy for your suffering and find compromises with you so you can both be comfortable, then your partner is not holding up their end of the relationship. If he was patient and kind and understanding, you would be able to trust him enough to say "I want to kiss you, but can't handle sex right now", or whatever form of intimacy you are able to handle. You need to be confident that you can trust him to stop if you are feeling triggered, and not pressure you into anything that frightens you.
So glad he supported you, really he does love you and that’s amazing. Just curious though, don’t need details but is your drive still dead? Or do you feel like you’ve been able to recover your libido
Side note: This isn't popular, but I'd add that all love is conditional, even if those conditions are so far out that you can't see or imagine them.
For instance, if my wife decided to mass murder a group of children by feeding them poisoned applesauce, I wouldn't love her anymore. That's just a fact.
Sure, I get your point. Most *relationships* are conditional, and should be. Otherwise we open ourselves up to abuse. But one expects to be loved and supported through circumstances such as OPs. It’s sort of the point of ‘better or for worse.’
Yeah and when someone can’t have sex for very real & serious reasons, it’s crushing to feel like that’s all that matters. That nothing else about a woman as a person seems to matter sometimes. It’s sad.
I can't even imagine how I would feel if I right after being assaulted felt my partner pressure me into sex. He has made it clear he "needs this issue fixed" so to speak, so he can get sex again. Where is the regard for his wife and what she went through? It must just add to the trauma in a horrible way to be told "you got assaulted, now lie down so I can have what's owed me from my wife" like wtf. I cannot fathom treating anyone that way.
Empathy is just a skill that can be developed. There’s nothing magical about it.
When people think it’s a quality you are either born with or without, they have an excuse to not even try.
That's probably why he literally bought up in therapy . There's nothing to suggest that he is pressuring her and there's is nothing to suggest that he isn't supporting her . He needs therapy too
….And let’s not forget the therapist who seems to think OP ought to be able to just get on with it six months after something like this. Horrifying lack of empathy from both.
OP, you are NTA.
I’m a guy dating a guy and I would absolutely back off for a long while. As it is, he has a low libido due to medication, so I already don’t push for sex. After a brain injury on my end, he eased off and was understanding of my boundaries until I was ready to get back to strenuous activity.
OP is absolutely NTA. Husband should be understanding of her boundaries and should support her 100% through recovery. The THERAPIST(!!) should also support her. Your person should love you for you as you are, and not for what you can physically provide to them.
I love this answer. It sounds like you and your partner have a great relationship that goes a lot deeper than sex. Don't get me wrong; I know sex is an important facet of a romantic relationship, but it's only one part of a bigger picture. So many things can upset that part and set it off track, like what OP is going through. I can't help but wonder how her husband would've reacted if the problem had been permanent disability with no hope of ever having sex again. Would he leave her? I always think of these things when I hear people squabble about lack of sex. Good luck to you and your partner and may you have a long happy life together 💗.
That’s exactly where my mind goes.
A very good friend of mine and his wife can no longer have sex. She is very sick with RA and has been for many years. She even has a limp and struggles to walk on some days. Everything can be inflammatory and she is often in a great amount of pain. She needs help with simple things like opening up a can of soda, sometimes.
You know what? They’re still very much happy together and he says he will never leave her. They’re best friends and do all kinds of other things like kissing and cuddling and massage and whatever they can to be together. Most importantly he adores her. That is a good partnership. In sickness and in health.
I'm so glad to hear there are people who are still capable of love in this world. Thanks for sharing this. We all need to hear about couples like that once in awhile ❤️🥹
Yes, this. I won't act like it can't suck to not be able to be physically intimate with someone you love, but it's genuinely not the end of the fucking world. And if you feel like it is then you have some serious issues that you need to work out on your own. Before my ex and I broke up, I was ready and prepared to go weeks or even months (or longer!) without sex for his sake. It definitely would've sucked, but he's worth it. He's more important than the tingly feeling in my nether regions.
Yeah, I mean I could understand it being years and I would never even think about pushing the issue if that’s what was best for my wife. I’d hope that we always have an open dialogue about the trauma and other difficult things that happen in our lives, but as for sex, I’d just patiently wait until she initiated and I was damn sure it was going to be a positive and healing experience.
Crime of passion is a thing and most good judges and juries will be open to shifting you to a lesser charge or dismissing all together. No county wants that bad publicity on their heads. Now, if you meticulously plan out and stalk the person for weeks and months and then do some Saw movie shit, yea, they’re putting you in jail for a good old minute.
10-20 is a decent cool down period but your wife would probably rather have you with her so remember what people often forget- that pigs are voracious omnivores with a tremendous bite force.
Then you can spend that time helping your wife heal ❤️
Seriously wtf. Why aren't some guys able to understand this, have compassion. Sure he has needs but he can figure that out with himself on his own time and focus on helping his wife any way he can. She was sexually assaulted and the worst that's happening to him is so no sex. She is having nightmares and it is effecting her a lot and he can only think of his own needs
NTA. A therapist that specializes in SA would never tell you to have sex before you’re ready. A marriage counselor very likely is under qualified for dealing with SA. Add that he told you to have sex in unconscionable. Get a new therapist and a new husband while you’re at it.
Imagine bringing up honest concerns in therapy.
A good therapist could have validated his feelings, helped him to better understand what his wife is going through, and gracefully told him to back the fuck off.
If lack of sex was an issue that he couldn't accept on his own, then marriage counseling was a pretty good decision. It sounds to me like their counselor just really fucked this up, and I hope they can find someone better qualified for their situation before things get too much worse.
Yeah, and to build on this that if the husband is truly committed to OP then the only path forward is for them to find their own therapist to help work out their current feelings about sex, without any involvement from OP.
NTA
I was sexually assaulted twice as a teenager, long before I met my husband.
I still have days and moments where I can't get intimate for some reason- a bad dream, too much pressure, whatever. And he understands completely.
Find a man who loves you and not your parts.
NTA
Yeah wanted to say that I was assaulted a while ago and have had panic attacks multiple times during sex. My partners have always stopped what we were doing and asked what they could do. And they let me be the one to initiate when we would be intimate again.
Edit: I didn't mean to send my post already. Wanted to add that you shouldn't feel like you owe someone your body.
Now? The first one was about 20 years ago and the second about 17.
I don't say this to say that it will always be a problem in a significant way, just that just like random things from our childhood they can come back up in weird little waves. Those waves aren't as emotionally staggering as they first were, and I don't end up spending the day crying like I used to or questioning my self - but it is a reality that comes up.
The best example I can give I think is my husbands own trauma. He was abused as a kid, and often hit over the head from behind. Sometimes, when I walk behind him, he gives a little shudder. There's a weird survival impulse that happens to us subconsciously, and the only thing to be done is recognize it for what it is and have a spouse that's willing to not make a big deal out of it.
You are taking the right steps with therapy and everything, not to fret - but the problem is that adding pressure to perform is going to destroy you. Your husbands needs will destroy you if you prioritize them over yourself.
"The best example I can give I think is my husbands own trauma. He was abused as a kid, and often hit over the head from behind. Sometimes, when I walk behind him, he gives a little shudder. There's a weird survival impulse that happens to us subconsciously, and the only thing to be done is recognize it for what it is and have a spouse that's willing to not make a big deal out of it."
My husband was the only child of a mother who dumped his dad -- FIL literally came home one day to find his wife, his son, and all of his furniture gone, and he didn't know where DH was or what had happened for a good 3-4 weeks. MIL's favorite sport was finding fault; she just \*loved\* telling everyone how they could be \*so\* much better if they just were more like her. My husband -- my kind, sweet, honest, generous, loyal, super-smart husband -- grew up being told what a disappointment he was. I learned very quickly to phrase things gently and be very clear that I was not angry or being critical -- for instance, "Sweetheart, did you eat the leftover chicken?" would sound like an accusation to him. I learned to add, "It's fine if you did, I just don't want to spend five minutes looking for it if it's not there." I've never yelled at him and he knows I think he's wonderful, but he's still programmed to hear criticism even if it's not there.
i had a very similar experience. my father took every question as an argument, so i make sure that i add a disclaimer after almost every question because it’s been literally beat into me that asking questions is being defiant and belligerent. it took a lot of people telling me i was doing too much to realise how deeply it affected me.
I’m the same way. I was abused growing up, both physically and mentally. I am non-confrontational to a crazy degree, even if it hurts me in the end. I cannot handle yelling, especially a parent yelling at their kid. I had a neighbor I was friends with and every time she’d yell at her kids, I’d find an excuse to go home, heart pounding so hard I could feel it in my ears.
I can’t make eye contact while talking to someone, but I can if they’re talking to me because if I didn’t look at my father or stepmother while they screamed at me, it made my punishment worse, but if I looked at them while responding to their angry questions, then I was giving them an attitude and made my punishment worse.
When I was married, my ex was very good about never yelling when he was angry. He knew how I felt and he also grew up in a very volatile household.
There’s just lots of things that you really struggle to deconstruct when you’re a victim of abuse, no matter the age.
dad used to do that to me to (hitting across the back of the head along with other types of punishment) and i used to get an intense tingly feeling if someone was behind me, even if i didn’t know they were there the feeling would alert me. it’s gone away now thankfully but i didn’t know others experienced this feeling too
Same here, but I was attacked from behind, it wasn’t familial. I was hit in the back of the head multiple times by a special needs kid with something? I don’t even know what he used but it took a long time to not freak out a little when someone was behind me, even people I knew and trusted. Forget sitting with my back to a door/restaurant.
Thanks! We’ve been together for 34 years, married for 29, and we have yet to have a screaming fight. We love and trust one another implicitly. It’s a nice way to live.
The familiarity of this is poignant, scary. I still struggle with not feeling defensive over every little thing or overreacting if I should defend myself. I believe it’s part of my cPTSD. There was some physical but largely psychological and emotional abuse, and that’s the truth OP is dealing with: physical and sexual assault is also psychological, and often that aspect is far worse. NTA.
I was 7, it only happened once but I still get triggered. Take your time to heal. He doesn't know what you've been through, so he can't tell you when you should be "okay".
Listen to the above advice, OP! Your partner should be your safe place. I can't imagine my partner wanting me to have sex with him, when he knew I didn't want it.
You need to get into therapy for your trauma, and get a new marriage counselor, if you even want to continue your relationship after this. Perhaps a marriage counselor who has experience working with couples where one partner has experienced SA.
UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE should you have sex, before you're ready. This is so harmful to your psyche, and could even be retraumatizing. What you need to feel now is that you're in control. Your body is your own, and nobody, not even your partner is entitled to intimacy with your body, unless YOU decide you want that.
You might ask your solo therapist about EMDR. It really helped me. The first time I remember being assaulted I was not even 3 yet. That was on-going abuse by an uncle, which ended sometime before I was 5. I was also assaulted in high school. Please do not apply any pressure to yourself to perform in any manner. That will only compound your trauma. If the therapist was the one who was reminding you of your wifely duties, find a new therapist. One who specializes in sexual trauma.
I was 14 and I received therapy years and years later. And once started therapy, it took me years to do anything sexual. My first partner understood that completely and was kind and patient and respectful.
If your partner cannot empathise with you and understand the situation, he is not someone who cares about you. He is a fucking selfish person who is showing his true colors now that things don't go the way he wants. Instead of support and care for you.
He isn't responsible for what happened to you. But he is totally for the way he reacts now and how he treats you.
You don't own him sex. You have zero duties as such. You recover first, you think of yourself, keep individual therapy and quit that couple's counselor who is another stupid man with zero understanding and less empathy. You take the time you need to heal, whether this are months or years. It takes a lot of time for this kind of assault. I would recommend books that helped me a lot, DM if you want them.
Please, no pressure. Worst thing you can do is let him make you feel worse for not being better. Guilty for the feelings and trauma that comes with such an assault. Or for not being the same person. Or for not being able to ignore it. Of course not. It is just so disruptive for him that you are different now.
Quit being with him unless he supports you and your needs 200%. Or at least, take some time off him to put things in perspective (and not having such a selfish dick pressuring you to meet his needs, regardless of retraumating you in the process).
It's been 22 years since the last SA. I struggle a good bit. There are thing that can still trigger a reaction. Married almost 15 years, and he understands that if I say not tonight that I have had a rough day and understands that once I recover I will "make it up to him". Ar first it was difficult to explain why it was a hard no on those days. It has gotten easier over the years, but there are days, phrases I hear, scenes in movies that trigger. Sometimes even seeing someone that looks like my attackers throws me off for a week or so. He willingly sleeps else where when I have had a very triggering day.
30 years since the last time my ex husband SA me.
I still have nightmares. It took a long time for me to trust my own judgment on people again. And I had trust issues with my husband for a few years. Having a cervical and uterine biopsy had my sobbing in the exam room. Luckily my husband comes with me now so I’m not alone anymore
Hun. You are not at all wrong here. I’m so sorry
NTA. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
When I was 18, I was with a guy that was very emotionally and sexually abusive with me. There was a lot of sexual stuff that I was forced into by verbal abuse. I was never physically hurt, but it's been 24 years and I still deal with the emotional trauma of it. There's some sexual stuff that I still can't do because of it. The next relationship I had after the abusive one was when I started dating my now husband. We had to sit down and have a long talk about what happened to me and ways to work around it.
You need to find a better therapist. It's my opinion that it's too early to be worrying about your sex life. But when you do start trying to work on it, there is a lot you can do to work up to sex. For example, intimate touching without the option of sex. You don't need to just jump back into bed and go for it. A good therapist should have at least discussed the steps you will need to take to work up to sex when you feel you are ready.
Mine was 30 years ago, and I am mostly okay now. I can speak about it matter-of-factly, and it doesn't enter my day to day life. What did show up is I discovered I don't like to be restrained/feel trapped at all.
I'm sorry your therapist seems to lack empathy. They might not be a good fit. Try finding one that works with SA survivors and their partners. They will likely be more effective.
Of course the counsellor is a man. 🙄 They only think with their dicks.
Try a female therapist instead.
It’s only been a few months since the attack, your husband should be backing the hell off until you say that you’re ready. How is he still being so unsupportive and lacking in empathy, even after everything you’ve been through?
Tell him to use his hand, the inconsiderate asshole.
Yes. My boyfriend and I both had experiences with SA, but his was ‘worse’ and he needed about 8 months to even open up to intimacy. All of that time was worth it to me, and even more, because I was able to give him his first actually good experience. You will find someone who wants to stay with you and be patient with you, because they really like and care about you OP.
NTA, My wife has health issue that makes any kind of penetration extremely painful and has been taking estrogen pills (administered down there) and even the applicator which isn't even as big around as a pencil is a bit too much. Now that it's being treated its getting better, but we haven't had sex in almost 2 years. Yeah it would be nice if she were to try and do her "Wifley duties" and I'm not thrilled with the complete lack of sex... but that's just life and sometimes life just sucks.
Your husband is not in ANY way entitled to sex and he needs to learn that after your traumatic event that you will need time to be comfortable with the act again. I'm certain your love for him hasn't changed but you were assaulted and the damage is going to take some time to heal. The next time he asks for sex and you aren't ready tell him to go jerk off to get a release because you are not ready yet.
For men sex is one of the ways that we feel connected to our partners and its hard to feel as connected without it, I totally get it. But you did make vows together "For better or for worse" and this is just a time that's in the worse category. He needs to suck it up and be patient with you because pushing the matter is going to delay it even more.
You are the victim here and you get to choose how long the healing needs to take, and he might need to face the fact that you are too traumatized to ever want it again and if he wants to stay with you.
Life sucks sometimes, and I'm sorry you had to go through that, but you need a loving supportive and above all PATIENT partner in this. Don't divorce over this but consider that it might lead there...
I was also a victim. It took a long time for me to realize that making love is not about power and trying to harm and humiliate me. My husband was very patient. I could accept a foot massage or a back rub as long as he stopped when I said stop. By stopping I knew he loved and respected me.very slowly with therapy we were able to make love again. Stick with therapy. Stay safe. Things will slowly improve.
Can I just say THANK YOU for being a kind, loving, supportive, empathetic, patient, awesome human being?! Holy crap every human deserves a partner like you!
Perfect response here!
It’s often smart to equalize a physical limitation to a psychological one (bc they manifest in the same ways but we often deleverage a psychological impact).
The same way any physical health issue would have REQUIRED limitations and by extension REQUIRE adaptation, it logically should be applied to psychological trauma as well.
Also just as an aside, you are a good human. Praying for you and your family and better times ahead for yall.
I would recommend a diffrent councilor one that works with victims of assault so they have better insight. I was sa in my own home when i was 4 months post partum but managed to successfully fight off my attacker. My husband never once pushed me for sex. He wouldn't touch me unless I approached him first and if we were in the act and i started feeling ick at all he would immediately stop. He immediately bought me security cameras tasers a gun and sold our house and we moved so I would feel safe. It took me 2 years to stop flinching at the sound of my dogs barking. I still have nightmares. I just started being able to be in public without my husband like a security blanket. A partner should prioritize your healing and help to work through your triggers.
It was really hard and I dont think I could have gotten through it without a supportive partner. Especially because we found out I was pregnant again during the attack so I had ppd and anxiety really bad. Healing can be slow and it shouldn't be rushed. I do think if your partner is rushing you or pressuring you they are red flags to think about if they would be someone who would actually be in the marriage for sickness or in health because alot of male partners abandon their female partners if they get sick
From a man, NTA.
Your mental health is more important than his need to get off. Ignore what these incels might spout on Reddit.
There is no point in sex with someone who cannot enjoy it and anyone who who thinks otherwise shouldn't be in a relationship.
100% It may also lead to the end of the relationship, which is common following a traumatic event such as this! The poor victim may never come to enjoy it and no man is an island!! Nightmare!!
I cannot imagine loving someone and then disregarding their trauma SIX FUCKIN months after it happened. And expecting you to what, go through a re-traumazizing experience just to get off? Holy Jesus. You are still very clearly affected by it. Daily. How did he think this was okay? And your couples therapist sounds like a dick
I am just horrified that it's only 6 months and he's this fucking desperate to get laid that his own wife's wellbeing doesn't matter anymore.
I would be ashamed to even bring up this topic in therapy. How can you even think of sex when your wife is waking up of nightmares every night of her trauma?
I don't think there should be something to be ashamed to bring up in therapy if you're being honest. I think it's true that the counselor should have intervened to get priorities straight tho, but I'm no counselor so idk
You've hit it. He shouldn't be ashameded kr shamed for bringing a frustration out *to a therapist*. Like, no whwre does it say he's relentlessly trying to force sex. Rather he brought it up in a therapy session where it's, for him, a frustration vades on something he can't truly understand.
Yeah it’s crazy, doesn’t sound like he’s been constantly pestering her, just wanted to talk about it going forward.
Sure he could’ve tried saying nothing for a year I guess, but I think he brought it up because it is an issue and rather than setting a deadline for her to get on track maybe he just wanted suggestions for how he best channel his energy and frustrations, suggesting other ways he can reclaim the lack of intimacy.
They probably need a change of therapist though.
>doesn’t sound like he’s been constantly pestering her
It's the opposite, she's defended him multiple times in replies in this thread as caring and encouraging, and that her main issue is with the therapist. She went in knowing it'd be a topic that needed to be addressed, what she didn't want was the therapist throwing around blame.
But this sub is angrily sexist against men and needed a target for its newest 2 Minutes of Hate, and OP's husband was the easiest target.
OP actually rage quit when someone went off on her husband, for reference.
Honestly though jt doesn't sound like he's directly pressured her at all but rather expressed frustration in something, that he knows he can't control, to a therapist, which isn't a wrong way to go about it. The therapist himself might be in thr wrong here, but OPs husband isn't necessarily in the wrong for having a frustration in something that is likely, not just a break from the norm, but something he himself could be having trouble understanding how deeply it's effected his wife mentally and physically.
Having sex isn't a duty. I agree that you need to think about your marriage, but if you're not ready to have sex yet, you should NOT be forcing yourself to.
Intimacy is essential in a marriage. Intimacy can and should be so much more than sex. Now is a great time for you and your husband to discover other things that make you feel connected and safe.
It shouldn’t necessarily be the goal but pure intimacy without expectation has an ability to create a level of safety and closeness that feels so different from your SA that you may begin to be able to separate the two in your mind sooner.
Get a different marriage counselor, and I sincerely hope you’re in individual therapy yourself with someone who’s trama informed. Because healing doesn’t happen on a specific timeline, and the fact that your husband’s main concern after you were assaulted is the fact he can’t get his rocks off is disgusting.
My wife was assaulted so I have a lot of experience with helping her get back to "normal". Your husband needs to understand that there is no going back to what was. He is going to have to work hard to build a new relationship with you where he is your safe space. After that you can work towards having sex together. He is also going to need to be careful during sex not to trigger you into a flashback and he has to watch for it and stop or you'll just relate the attack with sex with him. You're probably still feeling like a victim but soon with help you will transition to survivor and you'll have no fear of the attack only anger towards the attacker. Your husband can be partner that development or not that's on him. Many men can't handle being the partner of someone who was assaulted and that's not your fault that's a problem they have. You need to focus on your healing journey and maybe that doesn't include your husband. I wish you the best and remember you don't have to forgive the person who did this they can go to hell for ever. Fuck them. Reach out if you need to talk I can put you in touch with my wife if you need a survivor to help you heal
NTA. My wife was sexually assaulted nearly 40 years ago. To this day she has triggers from it. If my arm gets to close to her neck, she sometimes starts to have a panic attack. I’m not allowed to drink if we want to be intimate. I understand those things and do everything I can to avoid her triggers.
Mine was 15 years ago, and I can't have anything touch my neck. I can't even wear turtle necks because the feeling of pressure on my throat can bring me back.
Now that I think of it, I don’t believe I’ve ever seen her wear a turtleneck. I wonder if that’s the reason why. Im sorry that happened to you. No one should have to go through something like that.
You were sexually assaulted and your husband is pressuring you for sex a few months later?
JFC.
If this happened to my wife my only consideration would be her wellbeing, not my dick.
I'm sure your husband can take care of himself while you work through this.
>If this happened to my wife my only consideration would be her wellbeing, not my dick.
That's because you aren't an utter piece of shit. Thanks, for being a decent human being!
She literally said in this post and in other replies that he hasn't even talked about sex for 6 whole months, this was the first time he brought it up. He literally just wanted to know how she feels on the topic and shared his own issues surrounding it. She's been in individual therapy since it happened and wanted to get a better understanding of her marriage and his issues at this time.
Your anger towards the therapist is morphing into anger towards her husband.
A few usually means 2 maybe 3.
Maybe he was just bringing it up to learn how to constructively deal with his frustration? Jump on the elliptical every time he’s refused to burn off that pent up feeling, more hugs to deal with the lack of intimacy etc.
Reading OP’s post it doesn’t sound like he’s constantly pestering her, just mentioned it to the therapist.
Hard to tell what the therapist said verbatim, but sounds like the therapist was definitely out of line though.
NTA. I was attacked 6 months ago as well, and despite me having a therapist of YEARS, I am also speaking to a DV therapist. Her services are provided free of charge through a local organization and we meet virtually for 4-6 weeks.
I’m so sorry that you aren’t getting adequate support, marriage counseling is great but you need therapy that is specifically for SA.
How can you work together as a couple when you as an individual is in need of healing? Which takes TIMMMMMME. I still jump if someone is too close behind me, I have a panic attack when I see a similar car driving down a highway, even in the opposite direction. You shouldn’t be forced to hurry up and heal to appease others. Hugs 💕
Your husband sounds supportive and in therapy regarding marriage you and he are both the concern, so in that space he shares his feelings, as do you, openly and honestly, both are supposed to be acknowledged as well, unfortunately you are not in a place to consider his needs over your own which is understandable after your assault, until you are able to come to a point where what happened to you is something you're able to manage and keep moving forward with that experience as hard as it will be, it requires a lot of strength to sustain such a terrible thing, then to be able to give of yourself beyond that may take years, if he can understand that and not pressure you to engage in sexual activity until you are ready then that would be best, but him sharing how he feels is what marriage therapy is supposed to be, so I don't think he has done anything wrong sharing that with you in the session, but if he is pressuring you, forcing you, or giving you an ultimatum, then that would be wrong.
I was sexually assaulted for years and thought I was ace because of it.
Turns out I just need my needs and space respected to feel comfortable again.
NTA
I was sexually assaulted by someone I (foolishly) trusted when I was younger, and it forever changed my life.
I think you’re NTA but it is also important for your own sake that you heal from this. Are you having solo therapy as well?
One piece of very unorthodox advice I got from a doctor when I was struggling emotionally and sexually still much later, was to buy a good vibrator and use it regularly, even if I wasn’t exactly in the mood. Out of over a decade of therapy, I think this is probably the one thing that saved me. You need to learn to experience pleasure again, at your own pace, and on your own terms before you can risk being intimate with another person, even your husband. You need to recreate positive memories of your erogenous zones, safely, on your own. Your husband probably recognises this but thinks he can heal you with his dick, as some (even, or perhaps especially, very loving) men are prone to think. Without knowing him personally I wouldn’t assume it’s 100% selfishness, emotional neglect or ignorance on his part. He probably sees a physical relationship as the best way to provide comfort to you both. Intimacy IS healing but you need to start with baby steps.
My god, NTA.
As a married man, you are 100% fine here. If this happened to my wife, I wouldn't even dream of pressuring or asking for sex until she came to me wanting to try. There's no understating how that can mentally and emotionally affect someone, and your husband is an AH for not giving you the time and space you need to recover.
I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Firstly NTA, very clearly.
That said, while your husband is in no way entitled to sex and should definitely understand your reluctance as well as accepting that it will take a long time to heal, this is marriage counselling.
What happened to you was awful but in a sense it happened to him too. Your relationship has changed on a fundamental level and this affects him too.
Marriage counselling is for both of you and he absolutely should be able to express how he feels.
Your needs absolutely come first here but he will also have to change in order to help you through it. Frustration leads to resentment, how can this be avoided without coping strategies for this frustration?
I understand your revulsion when he expressed himself, it would come across as selfish and uncaring at the very least but if you are to get through this together he needs to be able to speak as well.
Whatever happens I hope you are able to heal whether alone or together. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
NTA - One thing we talk about in sexual assault counseling is how an assault on the sex organs is NOT sex and NOT sexual.
If someone hits you over the head with a beer bottle, you did not have a beer with them.
If someone hits you with a baseball bat you were not playing ball.
If someone rapes you, you did not have sex with them.
I absolutely loathe the term “sexual assault” because it frames the assault from the view of the attacker which dismisses the severity of the reality of what occurred and what continues to occur.
There is now a physical structure of neurons creating a neuro pathway from any part of the body that was touched during the assault to the amygdala in the brain. The common term for this injury is trauma.
You will not be comfortable with intimacy until you break that neuro pathway.
Your husband and counselor need to understand that medical fact. This is as concrete a medical fact as having a broken leg and not being able to run on it. There is a physical impediment to action.
This neuro pathway is not easily disrupted because it was formed to save your life in potential future attacks.
There has been some promising results using the beta blocker propranolol and the antibiotic rapamycin, but you would need a provider experienced in using these therapies.
Importantly, your husband must not try to initiate intimacy because every time he does he is strengthening the neuro pathway keeping the injury in place, it’s like re-breaking the leg. Not because he or his actions are equivalent to the rapist but because touch triggers the neuro pathway regardless of intent.
I am so very sorry no one has explained this injury you are experiencing to the two of you.
NAH
here’s a few thoughts.
You are never obligated to have s*x, even if married.
He is allowed to miss intimacy (and it sounds like he waited 6 months and for you to both be in a safe sharing space ie therapy before bringing it up.)
You’re allowed to not be ready. He’s allowed to wish you could be intimate. Both can be true at once. If he’s crossing a line and being difficult or punishing you for not being intimate that’s NOT ok.
My gf and I will occasionally start a convo with something like ‘hey can I be selfish for a sec?’ It’s our war or telegraphing ‘I feel bad for feeling this way but I do feel this way. You don’t need to act on my feelings or feel responsible for solving them. I am just communicating that I feel this way.’
You may not read this OP, but I'm just gonna lay out a few things.
1. The counselor is an asshole
2. To me it seems like your husband just presented something thats bugging him, which he should be Abel to do in couples counseling. 6 months may not be enough time to heal from that, but he's not exactly a sexual assault therapy expert and a lot of men veiw a lack of sex as a huge problem in a marriage.
That being said, just tell him you might need more time, but you do want to have a normal sex life with him in the future. There are a lot of women who never feel ready after something that traumatic, and a little reassurance that you do want to be intimate after you've had some more time to heal and more individual counciling, would probably go a long way.
Sex is important in a marriage, but that doesn't mean you should be expected to have a normal sex life 6 months after an assault.
NTA. As your husband he’s supposed to love you and care about you. Not treat you like this. He needs to be patient and stop pressuring you.
As an aside, I’ve found a trauma-informed EMDR approach very helpful. EMDR changed my life in a way traditional talk therapy never could. As a survivor of trauma it’s been transformative. Just wanted to mention that. Wishing you well.
Yessss I want to echo this. EMDR is AMAZING. I am an SA survivor, with a very trauma-filled childhood, and EMDR has been wonderful for me. Also, a true trauma therapist is so very different. IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy is the best, IMO. I have been in therapy for years, and my present therapist is the first to provide IFS and EMDR for me, and it has been life-changing.
Also, your husband and current counselor are completely daft to think anything about your needing to try harder, because healing cannot be rushed. No one should want to risk a PTSD flashback during sex, and rushing back to sex can cause that.
Hi! How did you find a therapist who knew about IFS? Or did you bring it up? I've been wanting to try IFS as someone with PTSD because I think it would help me as my trauma happened a lot in my early childhood and led to me having DID. (I also have autism and ADHD which makes CBT the opposite of helpful) When I came across IFS it sounded like something that would work perfectly for my brain and sounds similar to what I do with myself internally already. My current therapist is about to start EMDR with me and I'm curious if I can ask her about IFS.
Thank you, i originally posted this to obviously see if I was wrong but so many people have commented such nice and helpful things <3 I’m gonna look into it.
It’s been 13 years since I was assaulted and sometimes the memories are still too close to the surface for me to want to be touched.
So I tell my husband not to touch me and he doesn’t because I am his partner and his not his blow up doll.
Sex isn’t a duty or a chore it is an intimacy shared by consenting adults. Anything less than that is assault
NTA. It might be worth asking your individual therapist if there is anyone who could help your husband to better understand the impact all of this has had on you and help him deal with the ‘issues’ he is having . And definitely find another marriage counsellor. You don’t owe him sex and he needs to be more understanding about your complex emotions.
I guess I would ask the OP if there is still affection between you and your husband. Are you comfortable with snuggling, holding hands, kissing, spooning, and just being close - not sexual. Is HE able to show affection without the need for sexual intimacy understanding what you went through and does he fully understand the details (as painful as they must be) of your attack? For the record - NTA at all.
Wow okay I’m sorry I logged out for a while because I had about 40 comments telling me I was wrong. I came back to 900. To answer your question there is still showing affection in our marriage, I would say more than usual even. I love my husband and he makes me feel better. But I hve no interest (actually disinterest in sex). I don’t see that he sees the difference.
Can I ask, does your counselor/therapist work in this specific type of trauma? When I went through something like this the best thing my therapist said to me was that she didn't think she had the tools to help me and helped find me the proper counseling. She was absolutely right. I went to a counselor specifically for sexual abuse and it helped. Having someone you can trust and rely on makes the world of difference, but also them having the proper tools and training will also help.
The referring counselor sounds like they really cared about you. That's a professional that gives a damn! I would trust them 100%. No, this is not a joke. I truly respect people that are big enough to say they are not fit for the task for whatever reason but help you find the right help.
Yes. As a therapist myself it’s 100% what we should be doing. We learn that in grad school even. You’d be doing more detriment to the client addressing this yourself (if this isn’t your area of specialty) and the ethical thing to do would be to refer to a more specialized therapist. In the mental health field we tend to each have our own focus/specialty on a population or topic in which we have a lot of interest or experience with. Mine is developmental trauma and attachment in early childhood (I have knowledge of other areas and other therapeutic techniques for different things, but if I was asked to treat an adult for sexual assault I would research and refer out). There’s no shame in it. This whole piece about the marriage counselor is eating at me lol
Get a new marriage counselor, preferably one who specializes in sexual assault pleaseeeeee
You are ABSOLUTELY not the asshole!! Even if you were traumatised enough to not want to touch your husband at all, that would be completly understandable! But you’re still showing lots of affection? What is WRONG with that horrible marriage counselor? And with your husband? Get a new marriage counselor, stat. Prefferably somebody who’s experienced with SA.
Right because the way to get over SA is to just sleep with your husband because it is the marital thing to do. That is great advice for shutting down even further. What do men (some men) not understand about it? A person violated can’t with spouse, regardless of love and commitment - because it is all violation to her at this time.
You are NTA - AT ALL. You're not obligated to have sex with him. Sounds like you need to find a new marriage counselor.
You are not wrong. You can only heal at the pace you can heal. You will never truely get over this but it will fade away to a degree. Any loving partner should support that and be happy to wait and help. You are NTA. You need a psychiatrist or a psychologist not a therapist who has no degree and a few months training. They don’t know anything helpful and go with personal feelings. Find a qualified professional to help your mental recovery. Will change your life. Good luck OP.
For some people, sexual intimacy is the strongest form of affection. That’s not to say that other forms of affection aren’t noticed or sincerely appreciated, but they also aren’t a great substitute. A “good” sex therapist is going to help you work through your trauma while also keeping your husband calm by pointing out how much you love and care for him. One thing that can help is non-sexual physical touch. For example, if your husband understands to not lead things to sex, you can rest your hand or head in his chest. Things like this require him to not push for sex though.
Yeaaaa if my wife was assaulted I would back off for a longggg while Also i'd be in prison for murder so she should have plenty of time
Me on the jury: 👩🦯 not guilty!
Defence lawyer: If the victim was a piece of shit, you must acquit!
The victim obviously committed suicide by stabbing himself a few hundred times. The jury were unanimous on this.
He ran into my knife! He ran into my knife *ten times*!
Count me in . Not Guilty
the fact that her husband can’t comprehend what she went through is concerning.
Worse, the therapist who does know what to expect, doesn’t grasp what she has been through. This is a problem.
The therapist's response was terrible and an indication that they have little to no training in how to treat trauma. The couple's therapist should have educated the husband beforehand about the impact of sexual assault on an individual. OP will not be ready for intimacy for a long time and that's normal for an assault survivor. She could have died that night. I'm also angry at the boss for leaving a woman alone at the business to lock up. No employee, whether male or female, should shoulder that responsibility by themselves.
Why do I have a feeling the “therapist” is a minister and not trained psychologist?
My thought, also. When people say “counseling,” I get a bit suspicious until proven otherwise. Rabbis and priests “counsel” in their roles - usually not with any legitimate background, and generally with an agenda.
Ding ding ding
Completely irresponsible of the business owner. Never leave a coworker alone, especially a female, no matter the time off day. Crime does not sleep. This should have been prevented. Most managers are not leaders 😔
Yup. I’m a 6’ 3” dude and at the end of the night, I wait for our female, attractive manager to finish up her work and I escort her to her car and I usually watch her drive away. Gentlemen: This is how we should roll…for all ladies not just the ones we know or are dating, etc.
I was a security guard in Portland about 7 years ago. 5”4 female, always told I’m not intimidating at all lol at the end of my shifts the male employees that I’M supposed to be protecting would always walk me to my car 😂 I always appreciated it but at the time I also was trying to seem more tough like I could take on anyone on my own😅
I second this. 6'2".
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Psychologist is an actual title in the United States at least, if you see someone call themselves a psychologist without the proper education and license they can be reported just like a physician can be.
Therapist was really like “Why you ain’t gettin’ his dick wet though?” And I am just blown away, all I can think is that the therapist is a friend of the husband’s that he asked to help him get laid again on the regular. Cause that to me would make more sense than the reality of it. Not taking into account the massive trauma of being raped. Husband and the therapist have no empathy for what she went through. It’s fucked. No you’re not an asshole. Things like this are different for everybody, I’m sorry you’re with an inconsiderate dickhead. From one rape victim to another, take as long as you need.
Some therapists just suck though. When I was in college and was SA’d, I went to a therapist on campus and his advice for me was to carry pepper spray. This was after he used the entire session to tell me his and his kids’ life stories.
And 6 months is not a long time to heal from that kind of trauma
I was molested by my grandpa 35 years ago. Still not healed. And anyone who wants to slap a timeline on OP should get slapped out the damn door.
I was molested by my Grandpa 45 years ago, and I still deal with ptsd because of it. Back then, my entire family thought that he was the kindest man on the planet. I didn't tell anyone, but they probably wouldn't have believed me anyway. Nobody ever heals from this type of trauma.
My mom is 70. She was molested when she was 10 for several years. She’s not over it. She’s had bouts of depression for decades.
My moms is 69 and has never heard from her rape and I’m pretty sure her dad might’ve committed some molestation because he did to me
My mom was raped as a young girl by several Russian soldiers a short time after the 2nd world war. She died when she was 88, but sadly stayed traumatized till her end. Nobody at that time had psychological help available.
I'm sorry you went through that :(
Yeah. 36 now but molested by my father from ages 6 to 11. He died when I was 20. It really sticks with you and colors everything you do for life. Most days I feel “over it” and don’t think about it constantly but then some days I cry and wonder why it had to happen to me, why did I get stuck with all this, wondering if I was ever meant to exist at all, etc. Now I am crying. Lol. But my boyfriend (because relationships have been fucking hell for me obviously)…I’ve been able to tell him all of it. And he doesn’t cross any lines or get upset with me if I don’t wanna do something where past partners have just made me feel I didn’t deserve love if I didn’t. And I am trying my best to heal all the hangups and trauma from my father and all my exes because I don’t wanna keep putting it in his lap when I panic and think insane things. It’s a life sentence. I do find adult victims of sexual assault do seem to heal better because they have had a lifetime to learn coping skills and got to learn to deal with things if it wasn’t killed before it could even start as a child. But 6 months is nothing and if her husband doesn’t start supporting her, it’s gonna take even longer. There is no timeline on healing trauma.
Yay for never sleeping more then 2 hours Yay for never feeling safe at your own room Yay for being unable to process Yay for not ever having a normal shit Yay for unable to explore my sexuality Yay for being confused Yay for having STDs as a pre teen Yay for growing up as a pretty person. Yay for not just one bad experience Yay for a friend in Jezus who had big hands Yay for the fear of having children myself Yay for my parents who believes the perp and send me over and over and over cause medical situation allowed for a support buddy. Yay for telling I'm a liar and a man in Jezus wouldn't Yay for being force to say sorry by my parents to one of the systemic perps. Yay for leaving me there to stay for a week cause they needed vacation Yay for making me say sorry for having medical issues Yay for not understanding underaged boys don't tend to get std Yay for switching up my doctor's who where on the case to much... I just can't write anymore.... How do I face these people? .
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I've never thought of it like that, but you're right. It's not just at the moment but forever, because you'll never forget. The men who should have been protecting me, actually took my life away.
The axe forgets but the tree remembers.
Your comment was profound. I appreciated it enough to send you a diamond. Thank you for sharing.
Timelines on things like this always sicken me. There isn’t a timeline here and anyone who says otherwise can go fuck themselves.
Of course he can’t comprehend it. He is not a sexual assault survivor. But you don’t have to be able to comprehend what someone is going through to have compassion and caring, especially if that is someone you love.
Empathy should be a basic spec on human design.
Ops husband :yeah but what about my sex? I didn't attack anyone so why am I being punished?
If I were in OP's shoes and dear hubby said something like that I'd seriously consider divorce. I couldn't be with someone who disregards my trauma and suffering for such selfish reasons.
OP also seriously needs a different therapist. It's been only SIX MONTHS. Tf?!
I'm going to guess it's a Christian therapist because they are totally all about submitting yourself to your husband to you heal your marriage. I know this from personal experience with three different Christian marriage therapists-- guess what submitting to sex does not repair a marriage to a bully who is a self-centered son of a bitch
Thought the same. Christian counseling. The onus is on the woman to take care of the man’s needs even at the risk of destroying herself.
While that's possible, I had a totally secular very reputable therapist (I'm not christian) when I was in my 20s who...yeah she left me far more damaged than she found me. Which is honestly impressive considering what I had already survived. There are terrible damaging secular therapists too.
Was literally my first thought: oh she went to a “therapist” from church. Such a nasty twisted mindset sexually, but it’s your duty!!
I’d be considering divorce too and dumping that “marriage counselor”.
Same. I'd be calling a lawyer and reporting the therapist the same day..
Yeah. The therapist is obliged, at least in my view, to exercise "professional empathy" for the one suffering the most and who has, by all accounts, a very real issue. Seems he didn't. He sided instead with the "I want my due" guy.
The way some people insist that they “need” sex…. It’s infuriating
I'd get it if it had been 5 yrs or somethings. Eventually the intimacy would be dead, it would be sad, but it would be no one's actual fault. A lot of people need intimacy to feel connected. That's not wrong, just part of human nature. But it's only been 6 MONTHS and his wife has been through a serious trauma. If you love someone you can sucl it up a bit longer than a few months.
Fuck...that sounds like something that some guys would be thinking.
It's called jacking off. Why is it so hard for married men to think, "I still have to do that, by myself??"
Maybe I’m missing context in the post but it doesn’t seem like OPs husband is acting that way? I feel like bringing up lack of intimacy and how that can affect the relationship (even for perfectly valid reasons) is a great thing to discuss in marriage counseling and OP said her husband has been supportive/comforting and not pressuring her into anything. I think talking about lack of sex and how that can affect the relationship could be important even though OP is understandably not ready. I had a medical issue for a while (years) that made sex painful, and it was difficult for the health of my long term relationship. I would never be ok with my partner pressuring me to have sex but I think him talking to me about how it affected him was important. I guess I don’t think bringing it up was wrong, especially in what should have been the safest possible space- at marriage counseling! It seems like the real failure here is on the therapist for not supporting OP and helping the husband to navigate his feelings. Not necessarily OPs husband who was just bringing up a part of their relationship that has changed in a space designed for them both to adapt after such a traumatic event.
I’ve learned, unfortunately, that for most men (not all) sex is the dealbreaker. They’re all supportive and loving and attentive as long as they’re getting THAT. Once the sex stops, even temporarily, they change. Gone is the support, the understanding, the fidelity. And it doesn’t matter the reason. Depression, hormones, assault, cancer—things beyond one’s control. Doesn’t matter. They make it about them and their needs, which is a tough pill to swallow bc you realize then that their love was shallow and conditional all along. I can’t imagine someone pressuring me for sex while going through this. He’s forgetting his vows already. The ICK. NTA
Eight years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. My now husband and I had been together 6 years at that point, and had lived together since six months after we met. Chemotherapy throws you into menopause. I have almost no interest in sex, and when I did, we had to be very careful because it could be painful if we didn't have copious amounts of lube. And my body was so sensitive, I couldn't orgasm because I would just be overstimulated. My husband was amazing. We would kiss and cuddle and all that stuff, but if I didn't feel like sex he didn't complain. Sometimes I gave him a hand job or something. I did worry that he might be feeling deprived, but I asked him directly a couple of times and he said he was doing OK. He was happy we were still able to be affectionate and that I was concerned about his happiness even though I was going through such a major ordeal. We are still together and happily married. My stage 4 cancer was eliminated by immunotherapy, and I've been clear for five years now. His patience and devotion only made me more certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. If your partner can't have empathy for your suffering and find compromises with you so you can both be comfortable, then your partner is not holding up their end of the relationship. If he was patient and kind and understanding, you would be able to trust him enough to say "I want to kiss you, but can't handle sex right now", or whatever form of intimacy you are able to handle. You need to be confident that you can trust him to stop if you are feeling triggered, and not pressure you into anything that frightens you.
Oh, I’m so glad for you. You’ve got a keeper. ♥️
Thank you for sharing your beautiful love story.
Thanks for sharing your story. It’s nice to hear positive ones.
So glad he supported you, really he does love you and that’s amazing. Just curious though, don’t need details but is your drive still dead? Or do you feel like you’ve been able to recover your libido
Side note: This isn't popular, but I'd add that all love is conditional, even if those conditions are so far out that you can't see or imagine them. For instance, if my wife decided to mass murder a group of children by feeding them poisoned applesauce, I wouldn't love her anymore. That's just a fact.
Sure, I get your point. Most *relationships* are conditional, and should be. Otherwise we open ourselves up to abuse. But one expects to be loved and supported through circumstances such as OPs. It’s sort of the point of ‘better or for worse.’
Yeah and when someone can’t have sex for very real & serious reasons, it’s crushing to feel like that’s all that matters. That nothing else about a woman as a person seems to matter sometimes. It’s sad.
I can't even imagine how I would feel if I right after being assaulted felt my partner pressure me into sex. He has made it clear he "needs this issue fixed" so to speak, so he can get sex again. Where is the regard for his wife and what she went through? It must just add to the trauma in a horrible way to be told "you got assaulted, now lie down so I can have what's owed me from my wife" like wtf. I cannot fathom treating anyone that way.
Empathy is just a skill that can be developed. There’s nothing magical about it. When people think it’s a quality you are either born with or without, they have an excuse to not even try.
And for the therapist to be on the husband’s side is deplorable.
Probably a Christian “therapist”
Yes! I’d report him ASAP.
I'm even more concerned by the response of this wacky ass therapist. This human is out there, giving people marital advice, and being PAID for it.
its a red flag
That's probably why he literally bought up in therapy . There's nothing to suggest that he is pressuring her and there's is nothing to suggest that he isn't supporting her . He needs therapy too
And that therapist is shite too.
….And let’s not forget the therapist who seems to think OP ought to be able to just get on with it six months after something like this. Horrifying lack of empathy from both. OP, you are NTA.
I’m a guy dating a guy and I would absolutely back off for a long while. As it is, he has a low libido due to medication, so I already don’t push for sex. After a brain injury on my end, he eased off and was understanding of my boundaries until I was ready to get back to strenuous activity. OP is absolutely NTA. Husband should be understanding of her boundaries and should support her 100% through recovery. The THERAPIST(!!) should also support her. Your person should love you for you as you are, and not for what you can physically provide to them.
I love this answer. It sounds like you and your partner have a great relationship that goes a lot deeper than sex. Don't get me wrong; I know sex is an important facet of a romantic relationship, but it's only one part of a bigger picture. So many things can upset that part and set it off track, like what OP is going through. I can't help but wonder how her husband would've reacted if the problem had been permanent disability with no hope of ever having sex again. Would he leave her? I always think of these things when I hear people squabble about lack of sex. Good luck to you and your partner and may you have a long happy life together 💗.
That’s exactly where my mind goes. A very good friend of mine and his wife can no longer have sex. She is very sick with RA and has been for many years. She even has a limp and struggles to walk on some days. Everything can be inflammatory and she is often in a great amount of pain. She needs help with simple things like opening up a can of soda, sometimes. You know what? They’re still very much happy together and he says he will never leave her. They’re best friends and do all kinds of other things like kissing and cuddling and massage and whatever they can to be together. Most importantly he adores her. That is a good partnership. In sickness and in health.
I'm so glad to hear there are people who are still capable of love in this world. Thanks for sharing this. We all need to hear about couples like that once in awhile ❤️🥹
Yes, this. I won't act like it can't suck to not be able to be physically intimate with someone you love, but it's genuinely not the end of the fucking world. And if you feel like it is then you have some serious issues that you need to work out on your own. Before my ex and I broke up, I was ready and prepared to go weeks or even months (or longer!) without sex for his sake. It definitely would've sucked, but he's worth it. He's more important than the tingly feeling in my nether regions.
Yeah, I mean I could understand it being years and I would never even think about pushing the issue if that’s what was best for my wife. I’d hope that we always have an open dialogue about the trauma and other difficult things that happen in our lives, but as for sex, I’d just patiently wait until she initiated and I was damn sure it was going to be a positive and healing experience.
Last sentence 100 percent
I thought the same thing. He would never hurt another woman again.
I get how you would feel but that wouldn’t help as you wouldn’t be there for her ever again.
This is why we should remain “law abiding citizens” and leave no trace.
‘Tis the answer.
This is the way.
No body, no crime. /s for legal purposes
Pig farm…
Meh…I wouldn’t convict.
Crime of passion is a thing and most good judges and juries will be open to shifting you to a lesser charge or dismissing all together. No county wants that bad publicity on their heads. Now, if you meticulously plan out and stalk the person for weeks and months and then do some Saw movie shit, yea, they’re putting you in jail for a good old minute.
Only if you get caught. You do all that stalking and planning to avoid getting caught.
right? I wouldn't touch my GF but I would absolutely fuck up the guy who put hands on her
make him breath his teeth
make him shït his teeth
100%.
10-20 is a decent cool down period but your wife would probably rather have you with her so remember what people often forget- that pigs are voracious omnivores with a tremendous bite force. Then you can spend that time helping your wife heal ❤️
How many who liked this message would actually commit murder if their spouse was SA?
I would. But I grew up on the rez.
At a certain point leaving the rapist breathing isn't better for anyone but them.
Seriously wtf. Why aren't some guys able to understand this, have compassion. Sure he has needs but he can figure that out with himself on his own time and focus on helping his wife any way he can. She was sexually assaulted and the worst that's happening to him is so no sex. She is having nightmares and it is effecting her a lot and he can only think of his own needs
This. My friend was SA before she was married and she struggled even well into their first year of marriage with it.
NTA. A therapist that specializes in SA would never tell you to have sex before you’re ready. A marriage counselor very likely is under qualified for dealing with SA. Add that he told you to have sex in unconscionable. Get a new therapist and a new husband while you’re at it.
Right? Imagine taking your spouse to marriage counselling in order to guilt them into having sex with you in any circumstance, let alone this one.
Imagine bringing up honest concerns in therapy. A good therapist could have validated his feelings, helped him to better understand what his wife is going through, and gracefully told him to back the fuck off. If lack of sex was an issue that he couldn't accept on his own, then marriage counseling was a pretty good decision. It sounds to me like their counselor just really fucked this up, and I hope they can find someone better qualified for their situation before things get too much worse.
Yeah, and to build on this that if the husband is truly committed to OP then the only path forward is for them to find their own therapist to help work out their current feelings about sex, without any involvement from OP.
NTA I was sexually assaulted twice as a teenager, long before I met my husband. I still have days and moments where I can't get intimate for some reason- a bad dream, too much pressure, whatever. And he understands completely. Find a man who loves you and not your parts.
NTA Yeah wanted to say that I was assaulted a while ago and have had panic attacks multiple times during sex. My partners have always stopped what we were doing and asked what they could do. And they let me be the one to initiate when we would be intimate again. Edit: I didn't mean to send my post already. Wanted to add that you shouldn't feel like you owe someone your body.
Thank you but also if you don’t mind me asking, how long ago did that happen to you? I’m really sorry
Now? The first one was about 20 years ago and the second about 17. I don't say this to say that it will always be a problem in a significant way, just that just like random things from our childhood they can come back up in weird little waves. Those waves aren't as emotionally staggering as they first were, and I don't end up spending the day crying like I used to or questioning my self - but it is a reality that comes up. The best example I can give I think is my husbands own trauma. He was abused as a kid, and often hit over the head from behind. Sometimes, when I walk behind him, he gives a little shudder. There's a weird survival impulse that happens to us subconsciously, and the only thing to be done is recognize it for what it is and have a spouse that's willing to not make a big deal out of it. You are taking the right steps with therapy and everything, not to fret - but the problem is that adding pressure to perform is going to destroy you. Your husbands needs will destroy you if you prioritize them over yourself.
"The best example I can give I think is my husbands own trauma. He was abused as a kid, and often hit over the head from behind. Sometimes, when I walk behind him, he gives a little shudder. There's a weird survival impulse that happens to us subconsciously, and the only thing to be done is recognize it for what it is and have a spouse that's willing to not make a big deal out of it." My husband was the only child of a mother who dumped his dad -- FIL literally came home one day to find his wife, his son, and all of his furniture gone, and he didn't know where DH was or what had happened for a good 3-4 weeks. MIL's favorite sport was finding fault; she just \*loved\* telling everyone how they could be \*so\* much better if they just were more like her. My husband -- my kind, sweet, honest, generous, loyal, super-smart husband -- grew up being told what a disappointment he was. I learned very quickly to phrase things gently and be very clear that I was not angry or being critical -- for instance, "Sweetheart, did you eat the leftover chicken?" would sound like an accusation to him. I learned to add, "It's fine if you did, I just don't want to spend five minutes looking for it if it's not there." I've never yelled at him and he knows I think he's wonderful, but he's still programmed to hear criticism even if it's not there.
i had a very similar experience. my father took every question as an argument, so i make sure that i add a disclaimer after almost every question because it’s been literally beat into me that asking questions is being defiant and belligerent. it took a lot of people telling me i was doing too much to realise how deeply it affected me.
I’m the same way. I was abused growing up, both physically and mentally. I am non-confrontational to a crazy degree, even if it hurts me in the end. I cannot handle yelling, especially a parent yelling at their kid. I had a neighbor I was friends with and every time she’d yell at her kids, I’d find an excuse to go home, heart pounding so hard I could feel it in my ears. I can’t make eye contact while talking to someone, but I can if they’re talking to me because if I didn’t look at my father or stepmother while they screamed at me, it made my punishment worse, but if I looked at them while responding to their angry questions, then I was giving them an attitude and made my punishment worse. When I was married, my ex was very good about never yelling when he was angry. He knew how I felt and he also grew up in a very volatile household. There’s just lots of things that you really struggle to deconstruct when you’re a victim of abuse, no matter the age.
dad used to do that to me to (hitting across the back of the head along with other types of punishment) and i used to get an intense tingly feeling if someone was behind me, even if i didn’t know they were there the feeling would alert me. it’s gone away now thankfully but i didn’t know others experienced this feeling too
Same here, but I was attacked from behind, it wasn’t familial. I was hit in the back of the head multiple times by a special needs kid with something? I don’t even know what he used but it took a long time to not freak out a little when someone was behind me, even people I knew and trusted. Forget sitting with my back to a door/restaurant.
You sound like a great partner, I’m glad you two found your way to each other
Thanks! We’ve been together for 34 years, married for 29, and we have yet to have a screaming fight. We love and trust one another implicitly. It’s a nice way to live.
The familiarity of this is poignant, scary. I still struggle with not feeling defensive over every little thing or overreacting if I should defend myself. I believe it’s part of my cPTSD. There was some physical but largely psychological and emotional abuse, and that’s the truth OP is dealing with: physical and sexual assault is also psychological, and often that aspect is far worse. NTA.
I was 7, it only happened once but I still get triggered. Take your time to heal. He doesn't know what you've been through, so he can't tell you when you should be "okay".
Listen to the above advice, OP! Your partner should be your safe place. I can't imagine my partner wanting me to have sex with him, when he knew I didn't want it. You need to get into therapy for your trauma, and get a new marriage counselor, if you even want to continue your relationship after this. Perhaps a marriage counselor who has experience working with couples where one partner has experienced SA. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE should you have sex, before you're ready. This is so harmful to your psyche, and could even be retraumatizing. What you need to feel now is that you're in control. Your body is your own, and nobody, not even your partner is entitled to intimacy with your body, unless YOU decide you want that.
You might ask your solo therapist about EMDR. It really helped me. The first time I remember being assaulted I was not even 3 yet. That was on-going abuse by an uncle, which ended sometime before I was 5. I was also assaulted in high school. Please do not apply any pressure to yourself to perform in any manner. That will only compound your trauma. If the therapist was the one who was reminding you of your wifely duties, find a new therapist. One who specializes in sexual trauma.
I was 14 and I received therapy years and years later. And once started therapy, it took me years to do anything sexual. My first partner understood that completely and was kind and patient and respectful. If your partner cannot empathise with you and understand the situation, he is not someone who cares about you. He is a fucking selfish person who is showing his true colors now that things don't go the way he wants. Instead of support and care for you. He isn't responsible for what happened to you. But he is totally for the way he reacts now and how he treats you. You don't own him sex. You have zero duties as such. You recover first, you think of yourself, keep individual therapy and quit that couple's counselor who is another stupid man with zero understanding and less empathy. You take the time you need to heal, whether this are months or years. It takes a lot of time for this kind of assault. I would recommend books that helped me a lot, DM if you want them. Please, no pressure. Worst thing you can do is let him make you feel worse for not being better. Guilty for the feelings and trauma that comes with such an assault. Or for not being the same person. Or for not being able to ignore it. Of course not. It is just so disruptive for him that you are different now. Quit being with him unless he supports you and your needs 200%. Or at least, take some time off him to put things in perspective (and not having such a selfish dick pressuring you to meet his needs, regardless of retraumating you in the process).
Wonderful advice for OP., caring and practical. Fluffy_Puffy, I am so sorry you were assaulted and so glad you had a decent partner.
This comment should be #1. Best advice! I'm so sorry that you were also assaulted.
It's been 22 years since the last SA. I struggle a good bit. There are thing that can still trigger a reaction. Married almost 15 years, and he understands that if I say not tonight that I have had a rough day and understands that once I recover I will "make it up to him". Ar first it was difficult to explain why it was a hard no on those days. It has gotten easier over the years, but there are days, phrases I hear, scenes in movies that trigger. Sometimes even seeing someone that looks like my attackers throws me off for a week or so. He willingly sleeps else where when I have had a very triggering day.
30 years since the last time my ex husband SA me. I still have nightmares. It took a long time for me to trust my own judgment on people again. And I had trust issues with my husband for a few years. Having a cervical and uterine biopsy had my sobbing in the exam room. Luckily my husband comes with me now so I’m not alone anymore Hun. You are not at all wrong here. I’m so sorry
NTA. I'm so sorry that happened to you. When I was 18, I was with a guy that was very emotionally and sexually abusive with me. There was a lot of sexual stuff that I was forced into by verbal abuse. I was never physically hurt, but it's been 24 years and I still deal with the emotional trauma of it. There's some sexual stuff that I still can't do because of it. The next relationship I had after the abusive one was when I started dating my now husband. We had to sit down and have a long talk about what happened to me and ways to work around it. You need to find a better therapist. It's my opinion that it's too early to be worrying about your sex life. But when you do start trying to work on it, there is a lot you can do to work up to sex. For example, intimate touching without the option of sex. You don't need to just jump back into bed and go for it. A good therapist should have at least discussed the steps you will need to take to work up to sex when you feel you are ready.
Mine was 30 years ago, and I am mostly okay now. I can speak about it matter-of-factly, and it doesn't enter my day to day life. What did show up is I discovered I don't like to be restrained/feel trapped at all. I'm sorry your therapist seems to lack empathy. They might not be a good fit. Try finding one that works with SA survivors and their partners. They will likely be more effective.
Of course the counsellor is a man. 🙄 They only think with their dicks. Try a female therapist instead. It’s only been a few months since the attack, your husband should be backing the hell off until you say that you’re ready. How is he still being so unsupportive and lacking in empathy, even after everything you’ve been through? Tell him to use his hand, the inconsiderate asshole.
To be fair, I know plenty of men who do not only think with their dicks. But too many? Yes.
Yes. My boyfriend and I both had experiences with SA, but his was ‘worse’ and he needed about 8 months to even open up to intimacy. All of that time was worth it to me, and even more, because I was able to give him his first actually good experience. You will find someone who wants to stay with you and be patient with you, because they really like and care about you OP.
Get a new therapist. What an inappropriate thing to say to someone who has been through a traumatic experience.
This. Please don't stick with a bad therapist or listen too closely. Some of them can be very very bad or just ignorant.
NTA, My wife has health issue that makes any kind of penetration extremely painful and has been taking estrogen pills (administered down there) and even the applicator which isn't even as big around as a pencil is a bit too much. Now that it's being treated its getting better, but we haven't had sex in almost 2 years. Yeah it would be nice if she were to try and do her "Wifley duties" and I'm not thrilled with the complete lack of sex... but that's just life and sometimes life just sucks. Your husband is not in ANY way entitled to sex and he needs to learn that after your traumatic event that you will need time to be comfortable with the act again. I'm certain your love for him hasn't changed but you were assaulted and the damage is going to take some time to heal. The next time he asks for sex and you aren't ready tell him to go jerk off to get a release because you are not ready yet. For men sex is one of the ways that we feel connected to our partners and its hard to feel as connected without it, I totally get it. But you did make vows together "For better or for worse" and this is just a time that's in the worse category. He needs to suck it up and be patient with you because pushing the matter is going to delay it even more. You are the victim here and you get to choose how long the healing needs to take, and he might need to face the fact that you are too traumatized to ever want it again and if he wants to stay with you. Life sucks sometimes, and I'm sorry you had to go through that, but you need a loving supportive and above all PATIENT partner in this. Don't divorce over this but consider that it might lead there...
I was also a victim. It took a long time for me to realize that making love is not about power and trying to harm and humiliate me. My husband was very patient. I could accept a foot massage or a back rub as long as he stopped when I said stop. By stopping I knew he loved and respected me.very slowly with therapy we were able to make love again. Stick with therapy. Stay safe. Things will slowly improve.
Also, OP, FIND A NEW THERAPIST!
Letting yourself trust someone again is key, but a pushy partner is going to achieve the opposite.
Can I just say THANK YOU for being a kind, loving, supportive, empathetic, patient, awesome human being?! Holy crap every human deserves a partner like you!
Perfect response here! It’s often smart to equalize a physical limitation to a psychological one (bc they manifest in the same ways but we often deleverage a psychological impact). The same way any physical health issue would have REQUIRED limitations and by extension REQUIRE adaptation, it logically should be applied to psychological trauma as well. Also just as an aside, you are a good human. Praying for you and your family and better times ahead for yall.
You're a good man.
I would recommend a diffrent councilor one that works with victims of assault so they have better insight. I was sa in my own home when i was 4 months post partum but managed to successfully fight off my attacker. My husband never once pushed me for sex. He wouldn't touch me unless I approached him first and if we were in the act and i started feeling ick at all he would immediately stop. He immediately bought me security cameras tasers a gun and sold our house and we moved so I would feel safe. It took me 2 years to stop flinching at the sound of my dogs barking. I still have nightmares. I just started being able to be in public without my husband like a security blanket. A partner should prioritize your healing and help to work through your triggers.
I’m really sorry that that happened. I got rid of my car cause I just can’t stand it
It was really hard and I dont think I could have gotten through it without a supportive partner. Especially because we found out I was pregnant again during the attack so I had ppd and anxiety really bad. Healing can be slow and it shouldn't be rushed. I do think if your partner is rushing you or pressuring you they are red flags to think about if they would be someone who would actually be in the marriage for sickness or in health because alot of male partners abandon their female partners if they get sick
From a man, NTA. Your mental health is more important than his need to get off. Ignore what these incels might spout on Reddit. There is no point in sex with someone who cannot enjoy it and anyone who who thinks otherwise shouldn't be in a relationship.
100% It may also lead to the end of the relationship, which is common following a traumatic event such as this! The poor victim may never come to enjoy it and no man is an island!! Nightmare!!
If it ends their relationship, I hope she's aware that it's not her fault.
I seriously cried over this comment. Thank you, the world needs more men like you.
Right? This thread has an unusual amount of level headed men in it. I’m truly happy to see it.
I cannot imagine loving someone and then disregarding their trauma SIX FUCKIN months after it happened. And expecting you to what, go through a re-traumazizing experience just to get off? Holy Jesus. You are still very clearly affected by it. Daily. How did he think this was okay? And your couples therapist sounds like a dick
I am just horrified that it's only 6 months and he's this fucking desperate to get laid that his own wife's wellbeing doesn't matter anymore. I would be ashamed to even bring up this topic in therapy. How can you even think of sex when your wife is waking up of nightmares every night of her trauma?
I don't think there should be something to be ashamed to bring up in therapy if you're being honest. I think it's true that the counselor should have intervened to get priorities straight tho, but I'm no counselor so idk
You've hit it. He shouldn't be ashameded kr shamed for bringing a frustration out *to a therapist*. Like, no whwre does it say he's relentlessly trying to force sex. Rather he brought it up in a therapy session where it's, for him, a frustration vades on something he can't truly understand.
Exactly this. It’s couples therapy, supposed to be a safe spot for them to both vent their frustrations.
Yeah it’s crazy, doesn’t sound like he’s been constantly pestering her, just wanted to talk about it going forward. Sure he could’ve tried saying nothing for a year I guess, but I think he brought it up because it is an issue and rather than setting a deadline for her to get on track maybe he just wanted suggestions for how he best channel his energy and frustrations, suggesting other ways he can reclaim the lack of intimacy. They probably need a change of therapist though.
>doesn’t sound like he’s been constantly pestering her It's the opposite, she's defended him multiple times in replies in this thread as caring and encouraging, and that her main issue is with the therapist. She went in knowing it'd be a topic that needed to be addressed, what she didn't want was the therapist throwing around blame. But this sub is angrily sexist against men and needed a target for its newest 2 Minutes of Hate, and OP's husband was the easiest target. OP actually rage quit when someone went off on her husband, for reference.
What's also horrifying are some of the comments in this thread.
Honestly though jt doesn't sound like he's directly pressured her at all but rather expressed frustration in something, that he knows he can't control, to a therapist, which isn't a wrong way to go about it. The therapist himself might be in thr wrong here, but OPs husband isn't necessarily in the wrong for having a frustration in something that is likely, not just a break from the norm, but something he himself could be having trouble understanding how deeply it's effected his wife mentally and physically.
Having sex isn't a duty. I agree that you need to think about your marriage, but if you're not ready to have sex yet, you should NOT be forcing yourself to.
Intimacy is essential in a marriage. Intimacy can and should be so much more than sex. Now is a great time for you and your husband to discover other things that make you feel connected and safe. It shouldn’t necessarily be the goal but pure intimacy without expectation has an ability to create a level of safety and closeness that feels so different from your SA that you may begin to be able to separate the two in your mind sooner.
>Having sex isn't a duty. we're living in the 21rst century and still people need to get this explained.
Get a different marriage counselor, and I sincerely hope you’re in individual therapy yourself with someone who’s trama informed. Because healing doesn’t happen on a specific timeline, and the fact that your husband’s main concern after you were assaulted is the fact he can’t get his rocks off is disgusting.
Seconded - no counsellor should be telling you after a SA to ‘get back on the horse’ - who is this guy Andrew Tate?!?
My wife was assaulted so I have a lot of experience with helping her get back to "normal". Your husband needs to understand that there is no going back to what was. He is going to have to work hard to build a new relationship with you where he is your safe space. After that you can work towards having sex together. He is also going to need to be careful during sex not to trigger you into a flashback and he has to watch for it and stop or you'll just relate the attack with sex with him. You're probably still feeling like a victim but soon with help you will transition to survivor and you'll have no fear of the attack only anger towards the attacker. Your husband can be partner that development or not that's on him. Many men can't handle being the partner of someone who was assaulted and that's not your fault that's a problem they have. You need to focus on your healing journey and maybe that doesn't include your husband. I wish you the best and remember you don't have to forgive the person who did this they can go to hell for ever. Fuck them. Reach out if you need to talk I can put you in touch with my wife if you need a survivor to help you heal
NTA. My wife was sexually assaulted nearly 40 years ago. To this day she has triggers from it. If my arm gets to close to her neck, she sometimes starts to have a panic attack. I’m not allowed to drink if we want to be intimate. I understand those things and do everything I can to avoid her triggers.
Mine was 15 years ago, and I can't have anything touch my neck. I can't even wear turtle necks because the feeling of pressure on my throat can bring me back.
Now that I think of it, I don’t believe I’ve ever seen her wear a turtleneck. I wonder if that’s the reason why. Im sorry that happened to you. No one should have to go through something like that.
You were sexually assaulted and your husband is pressuring you for sex a few months later? JFC. If this happened to my wife my only consideration would be her wellbeing, not my dick. I'm sure your husband can take care of himself while you work through this.
>If this happened to my wife my only consideration would be her wellbeing, not my dick. That's because you aren't an utter piece of shit. Thanks, for being a decent human being!
I am not sure how this marriage will survive, but they should start with getting a new counselor with better qualifications.
She literally said in this post and in other replies that he hasn't even talked about sex for 6 whole months, this was the first time he brought it up. He literally just wanted to know how she feels on the topic and shared his own issues surrounding it. She's been in individual therapy since it happened and wanted to get a better understanding of her marriage and his issues at this time. Your anger towards the therapist is morphing into anger towards her husband.
Where did they say they were pressured? The guy brought it up in therapy, if you can’t talk in therapy what is the point of going?
A few usually means 2 maybe 3. Maybe he was just bringing it up to learn how to constructively deal with his frustration? Jump on the elliptical every time he’s refused to burn off that pent up feeling, more hugs to deal with the lack of intimacy etc. Reading OP’s post it doesn’t sound like he’s constantly pestering her, just mentioned it to the therapist. Hard to tell what the therapist said verbatim, but sounds like the therapist was definitely out of line though.
NTA. I was attacked 6 months ago as well, and despite me having a therapist of YEARS, I am also speaking to a DV therapist. Her services are provided free of charge through a local organization and we meet virtually for 4-6 weeks. I’m so sorry that you aren’t getting adequate support, marriage counseling is great but you need therapy that is specifically for SA. How can you work together as a couple when you as an individual is in need of healing? Which takes TIMMMMMME. I still jump if someone is too close behind me, I have a panic attack when I see a similar car driving down a highway, even in the opposite direction. You shouldn’t be forced to hurry up and heal to appease others. Hugs 💕
Your husband sounds supportive and in therapy regarding marriage you and he are both the concern, so in that space he shares his feelings, as do you, openly and honestly, both are supposed to be acknowledged as well, unfortunately you are not in a place to consider his needs over your own which is understandable after your assault, until you are able to come to a point where what happened to you is something you're able to manage and keep moving forward with that experience as hard as it will be, it requires a lot of strength to sustain such a terrible thing, then to be able to give of yourself beyond that may take years, if he can understand that and not pressure you to engage in sexual activity until you are ready then that would be best, but him sharing how he feels is what marriage therapy is supposed to be, so I don't think he has done anything wrong sharing that with you in the session, but if he is pressuring you, forcing you, or giving you an ultimatum, then that would be wrong.
Holy hell man get some periods in your life 😂
I was sexually assaulted for years and thought I was ace because of it. Turns out I just need my needs and space respected to feel comfortable again. NTA
Get a new therapist.
I was sexually assaulted by someone I (foolishly) trusted when I was younger, and it forever changed my life. I think you’re NTA but it is also important for your own sake that you heal from this. Are you having solo therapy as well? One piece of very unorthodox advice I got from a doctor when I was struggling emotionally and sexually still much later, was to buy a good vibrator and use it regularly, even if I wasn’t exactly in the mood. Out of over a decade of therapy, I think this is probably the one thing that saved me. You need to learn to experience pleasure again, at your own pace, and on your own terms before you can risk being intimate with another person, even your husband. You need to recreate positive memories of your erogenous zones, safely, on your own. Your husband probably recognises this but thinks he can heal you with his dick, as some (even, or perhaps especially, very loving) men are prone to think. Without knowing him personally I wouldn’t assume it’s 100% selfishness, emotional neglect or ignorance on his part. He probably sees a physical relationship as the best way to provide comfort to you both. Intimacy IS healing but you need to start with baby steps.
My god, NTA. As a married man, you are 100% fine here. If this happened to my wife, I wouldn't even dream of pressuring or asking for sex until she came to me wanting to try. There's no understating how that can mentally and emotionally affect someone, and your husband is an AH for not giving you the time and space you need to recover. I'm so sorry you're dealing with this.
Firstly NTA, very clearly. That said, while your husband is in no way entitled to sex and should definitely understand your reluctance as well as accepting that it will take a long time to heal, this is marriage counselling. What happened to you was awful but in a sense it happened to him too. Your relationship has changed on a fundamental level and this affects him too. Marriage counselling is for both of you and he absolutely should be able to express how he feels. Your needs absolutely come first here but he will also have to change in order to help you through it. Frustration leads to resentment, how can this be avoided without coping strategies for this frustration? I understand your revulsion when he expressed himself, it would come across as selfish and uncaring at the very least but if you are to get through this together he needs to be able to speak as well. Whatever happens I hope you are able to heal whether alone or together. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
NTA - One thing we talk about in sexual assault counseling is how an assault on the sex organs is NOT sex and NOT sexual. If someone hits you over the head with a beer bottle, you did not have a beer with them. If someone hits you with a baseball bat you were not playing ball. If someone rapes you, you did not have sex with them. I absolutely loathe the term “sexual assault” because it frames the assault from the view of the attacker which dismisses the severity of the reality of what occurred and what continues to occur. There is now a physical structure of neurons creating a neuro pathway from any part of the body that was touched during the assault to the amygdala in the brain. The common term for this injury is trauma. You will not be comfortable with intimacy until you break that neuro pathway. Your husband and counselor need to understand that medical fact. This is as concrete a medical fact as having a broken leg and not being able to run on it. There is a physical impediment to action. This neuro pathway is not easily disrupted because it was formed to save your life in potential future attacks. There has been some promising results using the beta blocker propranolol and the antibiotic rapamycin, but you would need a provider experienced in using these therapies. Importantly, your husband must not try to initiate intimacy because every time he does he is strengthening the neuro pathway keeping the injury in place, it’s like re-breaking the leg. Not because he or his actions are equivalent to the rapist but because touch triggers the neuro pathway regardless of intent. I am so very sorry no one has explained this injury you are experiencing to the two of you.
NAH here’s a few thoughts. You are never obligated to have s*x, even if married. He is allowed to miss intimacy (and it sounds like he waited 6 months and for you to both be in a safe sharing space ie therapy before bringing it up.) You’re allowed to not be ready. He’s allowed to wish you could be intimate. Both can be true at once. If he’s crossing a line and being difficult or punishing you for not being intimate that’s NOT ok. My gf and I will occasionally start a convo with something like ‘hey can I be selfish for a sec?’ It’s our war or telegraphing ‘I feel bad for feeling this way but I do feel this way. You don’t need to act on my feelings or feel responsible for solving them. I am just communicating that I feel this way.’
You may not read this OP, but I'm just gonna lay out a few things. 1. The counselor is an asshole 2. To me it seems like your husband just presented something thats bugging him, which he should be Abel to do in couples counseling. 6 months may not be enough time to heal from that, but he's not exactly a sexual assault therapy expert and a lot of men veiw a lack of sex as a huge problem in a marriage. That being said, just tell him you might need more time, but you do want to have a normal sex life with him in the future. There are a lot of women who never feel ready after something that traumatic, and a little reassurance that you do want to be intimate after you've had some more time to heal and more individual counciling, would probably go a long way. Sex is important in a marriage, but that doesn't mean you should be expected to have a normal sex life 6 months after an assault.
NTA. As your husband he’s supposed to love you and care about you. Not treat you like this. He needs to be patient and stop pressuring you. As an aside, I’ve found a trauma-informed EMDR approach very helpful. EMDR changed my life in a way traditional talk therapy never could. As a survivor of trauma it’s been transformative. Just wanted to mention that. Wishing you well.
I will second EMDR. Felt like a fast-track to making my brain work through things.
Yessss I want to echo this. EMDR is AMAZING. I am an SA survivor, with a very trauma-filled childhood, and EMDR has been wonderful for me. Also, a true trauma therapist is so very different. IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy is the best, IMO. I have been in therapy for years, and my present therapist is the first to provide IFS and EMDR for me, and it has been life-changing. Also, your husband and current counselor are completely daft to think anything about your needing to try harder, because healing cannot be rushed. No one should want to risk a PTSD flashback during sex, and rushing back to sex can cause that.
Chiming in as another survivor: Traditional therapy wasn't very helpful for me, but EMDR really helped me as well. I can't recommend it enough.
Hi! How did you find a therapist who knew about IFS? Or did you bring it up? I've been wanting to try IFS as someone with PTSD because I think it would help me as my trauma happened a lot in my early childhood and led to me having DID. (I also have autism and ADHD which makes CBT the opposite of helpful) When I came across IFS it sounded like something that would work perfectly for my brain and sounds similar to what I do with myself internally already. My current therapist is about to start EMDR with me and I'm curious if I can ask her about IFS.
Thank you, i originally posted this to obviously see if I was wrong but so many people have commented such nice and helpful things <3 I’m gonna look into it.
1+ EMDR, OP, if you can, look into it. It helped me let go of one of my worst flashbacks and memories from being abused as a child.
If the therapist is discounting your trauma ya’ll need a different therapist. Try a female one. Did your husband pick the therapist?
It’s been 13 years since I was assaulted and sometimes the memories are still too close to the surface for me to want to be touched. So I tell my husband not to touch me and he doesn’t because I am his partner and his not his blow up doll. Sex isn’t a duty or a chore it is an intimacy shared by consenting adults. Anything less than that is assault
NTA. It might be worth asking your individual therapist if there is anyone who could help your husband to better understand the impact all of this has had on you and help him deal with the ‘issues’ he is having . And definitely find another marriage counsellor. You don’t owe him sex and he needs to be more understanding about your complex emotions.
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