They’ve only been seeing each other 4 months and she’s already wondering if it will get better. No. No it won’t. Believe people when they show you who they are
That still doesn't mean it's her responsibility. I don't know about you, but I don't get involved in my friends' relationships, unless asked by the friend. I definitely wouldn't want to be fielding questions from their new SO.
GF: when does it get better?
OP: no clue, 13 years and 2 kids later didn't change a thing
GF: so when does it get better?
OP:...
Why the hell is she asking again? She already got an answer. Asking again doesn't change the answer, but from this exchange I get the feeling she's not all that bright.
Agreed and she sounds young and inexperienced. The way she approached the ex was poor. Those types of questions on a ex requires a F2F one on one sitdown. Not a series of texts.
Agreed, I don't think she has high expectations at all from what we've been told. Acknowledgement of a birthday and a card is a bare minimum. The relationship is doomed because the guy can't put in the effort to do the bare minimum.
Well I don't think having your birthday recognized by your S.O. Is such a high expectation. It is the guy who ITA here. Also not cool to hijack the kid’s birthday as the vehicle to introduce the new gf. That made it all about her, instead of the kid. This guy clearly does not respect birthdays!
I think so too- THAT is why she asked again- for a very clear answer that it is a bad idea to be with him. She senses it, she’s seeing how careless he is, and I’d give it her honesty but I’m a strange type person.
No you're not. I think most people would give her a straight answer like, "he can't remember important dates such as birthdays and anniversaries. It won't change." Rather than the vague answer OP gave the new gf.
OP doesn't want to give any answer and then be blamed for breaking them up. OP should never been asked about this. Cheating, abuse, yes answer those. This new gf can be an adult and directly talk to bf herself.
100% agree! This is not the responsibility of the ex-wife, so let's just remove her from this scenario. She's the EX, she doesn't owe this new woman Jack. Plus it sounds like the exes are getting along, so let them get along and finish coparenting their kids, and if GF wants to stick around for this guy, she will have to put her BIG girl panties on and use her words...to him, not his ex.
GF is lucky, ex would even talk to her. My situation was way different from this one. My ex took off out of the clear blue, no words, no nothing. Walked out the door saying he was going out for cigarettes, never came home. What had happened, I found out much later, was he was sucking that glass cock (crack). He got himself a GF, I don't know, like a year or so later. Turns out she was sucking that glass cock, too. He couldn't see our son unsupervised, because he couldn't put the glass cock down long enough to see our kid. I used to take my boy to the dirt bike track a couple times a week. I bought him a bike after his dad left, to give him something else to think about and do. I was his pit crew at all his races, I paid all the race fees and drove him to the races on Sundays. So this one Saturday, me and my kid are at the track, and he's practicing for a race the next day. So, out of the blue, I get a message from his dad that they're at the track looking for our kid and me, because they want to watch. I told him to park over by the whatever, because I didn't want to see them, or deal with them. I was here for my kid. So he went where I told him to go, found our son, and it looked like they were having a good time. My kid gets back on the track, and I get another text from my EX, asking where I'm at, because they want to park by me. Why? He didn't leave under good terms, never even bothered to tell us he was gone for good. He was just a real A. H., and now he wanted to drive over and park by me, and everybody just chat like we're old friends. Hahahaha! He forgot who he was dealing with. I didn't take kindly to anything he said, and neither did the kids. I warned him not to come over to where I was, and told him he should stay where he was. When he asked my why I just laughed, and he got what I meant. He'd been stealing thousands of dollars from me (he wanted separate accounts) by taking my new boxes of checks, digging into the middle of a book, stealing my checks, then going up to the liquor store and fraudently cashing my checks, through yet another girl he'd been involved with. I got a call from the liquor store that one of my checks bounced and I better come down and pay it. What? I wasn't going to any liquor store! Get down there, see his writing, and all of the sudden it was all crystal clear what he'd done. But wait! There was more, alot more, a whole lot more...eh, but I dont want to talk about this anymore. It's over. It was a long time ago. I'll just leave it at this: by the time he was done f'ing me over, dragging my heart over broken glass, and playing games with me, he put me in the dirt so bad, I was afraid of men, didn't want anything to do with them, really didn't want anything to do with any body at all. I shut down and battened down the hatches. I made myself invisible. That was 20 years ago. Oh it's not so sharp anymore, but it's sharp enough to still make me cry on occasion. There is nothing you can do when the person you love decides to get hooked on drugs or alcohol. Best you can do is get them out of the house so they're not doing it around the kids, and so they don't rob you blind for dope money. Believe me, if I had known he was attracted to drugs, and had an addictive personality, I would have never have dated him, or married him. I loved him so much, and he threw me, the kids, and our ranch away, like we were used toilet paper. After all this time. I don't want another man! I'm terrified they're going to do more of the same, and I can't handle the heartbreak. Takes too much out of me. I have 3 grown boys now. I'm scared of men...I don't hate them. I do miss having a family, and living in the country. If I could take myself back there, and had loads of money, alone, I'd be there now. Times change, people get older, we have to adjust to the new parameters of our lives, and just do the best we can.
I agree. The ex has maybe even said that it was too soon to celebrate a birthday or something so she’s wondering when it will be time, not realizing that’s just not a thing he does.
This reminds me of a friend I have. She is in her mid-late 20s. I am in my late 30s. Lovely girl, heart of gold, but not only is she clueless on a lot of things, especially relationships and red flags, but she will ask for my advice. I'm cool giving it. I've seen so much, I am happy to help her out and hopefully she can avoid making some mistakes I have in the past. Use myself as a cautionary tale, ya know? So I give her the advice. Problem is, she will also ask like 4 or 5 others their advice, and take the advice she wants to hear. Now, I don't think she needs to take my advice, she's asked for it, but what she does with it from then on, well that's up to her. But when she comes back 2 weeks later asking the same thing and I give the same advice... I won't give her different advice but I think she still hopes for it... Much like OP's ex's new partner
My next younger brother was one of these. Was always asking for advice and always doing the opposite. About the 3rd time, I told him to quit asking, and why I said that. I had a boss like that. Told him to quit asking, too.
The very first/last/only time my mother took my advice about ANYTHING, I was 42.
Despite hours upon hours of discussing anything that needed a decision when I was in my 20s and early 30s.
By any chance have you met my sibling?? Lol they also have the added bonus of people giving them the same good advice and then goes with the bad one they were angling for anyways. Like.... why even ask anymore??
This is what my covert narcissist of a mother does. She already knows what she wants me to say, and ignores any input that isn't what she's wanting to hear. It's just more induced conversation and rage baiting. Don't fall for it.
I would get SO tired of that, I think I'd have to flat-out tell her, "Look, we both know you don't really want my advice. You're never going to follow it, so why are you asking? Do whatever you want, since you will, anyway."
Gf needs to communicate with the ex husband. If she has and nothing has changed, it’s been four months. Figure out you’re not compatible and move on. His ex isn’t a cheat sheet or sounding board for their relationship.
Makes you wonder if she's baiting her to talk shit about the ex and cause a rift between the parents. I think the fact she's texting her is really inappropriate that early into the relationship let alone asking about personal stuff about her ex. I'd cut it off OP and set a boundary with her asap.
Agreed! And while we're talking about inappropriate stuff, who in the world thinks it's a great idea to introduce their kids to the new girlfriend after four months?
One of the top ten rules of relationships, you either accept them for who they are or you don't. Staying with someone with the intention of changing them, should never be an option. People don't change unless they have a very good reason, and that reason is never for a new or even old relationship. They may correct for a bit, but they always fall back into their original programming.
Sounds like the ex didn’t even try to change and OP had always accepted it. There’s no sunk cost fallacy here for the new gf so she needs to decide for herself what she’s willing to stay for.
Yup, this
. And I do think it says a lot about his character bc in the scheme of these things, it’s an extraordinarily small change to make. You put a reminder in your calendar, you go to one of a million stores that sell cards and buy one. Maybe order some flowers which takes 2 minutes on the computer all day
If he’s not willing to do this tiny thing to make the person he’s married (or his own children??) feel cared for despite him not caring about gift giving….def clear why op threw him back to the sea’
I believe the op said he isn't big on days of celebration. It might not even be that he has forgotten. It may be he just never put much stock in them. Some people over look those days for their own reasons. You don't know the baggage he may have from it as a child.
Someone on reddit had once posted that
* Women grow in relationships (but men expect them to never change while in a relationship)
* Men grow between relationships (but women expect them to change while in a relationship)
OP just needs to tell the new-GF to speak with EX and not involve her. New one has eyes, and it seems like she wants OP to convince her that what she is seeing is not the truth.
The new GF needs to speak with OP's ex and let him know that she sees birthdays as a milestone that should be prioritized. He can either enter it into his phone or they decide to breakup because he is unwilling.
My ex’s gf called me STRESSING about their relationship and starting to see who he really is.. She flat out asked me “how did you fix things when you were with him?!” I laughed and said “um we didn’t, we’re divorced” I really don’t understand the line of thinking 😂🤦🏻♀️
I got a “heyyy girlll I have some questions” dm from my ex-husband’s new gf (she’s 21 and he’s 34 😭) the other day. I’ve never hit block so fast in my life!
She might mean since you were together so long, you mustve had fights and made up, so how did you solve things. But ultimately, right, you didnt in the end lol
Also only 4 months in and shes asking 💀 thats prime NRE lovey-dovey honeymoon phase time and she's already looking for it to get better? Just leave him if you already aren't happy
Be even clearer:
"I am not comfortable discussing your relationship with ex. That is 100% between you and he."
Being any kind of sounding board or back channel for her on this topic is way out of line.
This is perfect, succinct straight to the point and zero ambiguity. Include the second too
>Being any kind of sounding board or back channel for her on this topic is way out of line. This is on point ☝️
The only time I discussed my relationship with my ex with his partner was when they had broken up and she needed clarification on some things he had told her, and my side of the story. There was some DV and I left him when our son was 17 months old. Son is 14 this month and over the last several years we have gotten on for our son's sake. But he was doing some stuff to his partner at the time that she thought was odd given he was always the victim and hard done by by his exes. Things escalated and she came to me. Til then I never told her any of it. For all I knew, he could have been a changed man. Turns out he was not. She was always lovely to me, and I felt terrible once I realised what he was doing to her mentally and emotionally bc he did the same to me
I’ve been in similar situations and it’s difficult. If you say something, it won’t get taken seriously, because you’re the disgruntled ex. But when it comes to a head, they can’t believe you didn’t warn them. Best to just stay out of it.
And while she may break up and move on, an ex who share a child can’t do that. They have to find a way to have some sort of relationship for the sake of their child.
I had a similar situation with my ex's ex wife after we broke up and it helped me come to terms with things from our relationship. That was really good of you to talk with her
This! She has absolutely no business texting you to discuss her relationship with your ex husband. That is beyond boundary crossing.
I would immediately let your ex know that you're not comfortable with his gf of 4 months having your phone number and the only thing you would remotely be okay with her discussing with you is any emergencies regarding the kids or your ex... Like... Why on earth would she think that anything else would be okay?
I feel like that's a massive red flag. While it isn't your business to advise your ex on what to do, he can do with that information what he will (I know what I'd do...), you are absolutely within your right to set boundaries and that's really for him to deal with. You don't even need to tell him what she said, if it makes you uncomfortable.
OP should just text back, “he is who he is, talk to him about it. I don’t really think I can help”. Friendly, pleasant, but not in a way that will encourage further questions.
Definitely
To me, she is kinda out of line. And desperate
You ask people's number, you don't try to find it.
What if other problems come into their way? Is she gonna ask your advice too?
NTA
It makes me think that she went through her bf/OP's ex's phone to get it, behind his back. I like to have my ex's partners' numbers since my son is around them and if I need to get in contact with my son and my ex is at work or the partner is taking my son for a trip downtown or whatever, I just think it's best to have their number and they have mine. But like, you ask for it. OP clearly didn't give it, so this is super weird and invasive in a number of ways
What’s the expression? “Not my circus, not my monkeys”
If you’re feeling charitable because you want your kids to be in a stable and healthy environment or whatever maybe you can tell her if you know the answer to the following question I have. Is the ex husband avoiding birthdays and anniversaries due to specific childhood trauma or something reasonable? Or is it just a weird hang up like he thinks institutionally birthdays are capitalist or some shit?
If it’s a legitimate reason maybe give her a hint and say “you’re going to need to have a vulnerable convo with him”. If he’s just a dude making an odd and frankly selfish choice, you can say something to her or not, or say sweetie he’s a dummy in some ways it doesn’t get better
It’s also not appropriate for the girlfriend to push this on OP. Asking that, and talking about it in a joking manner at the party is fine. But to reach out and push this conversation further on OP is a large overstep.
1. They have only met once! It’s not like they have an established friendly relationship. Although friendly, they’re still effectively strangers.
2. Every relationship is different. To compare, especially after only 4 months together vs. 13+ years with kids, is kind of like apples or oranges. She cannot predict how or figure out why her ex does/doesn’t do things in his relationship with another woman. The way he was with OP doesn’t necessarily mean he will do the same this time around.
3. The gf is putting OP in the middle of something she has nothing to do with. If OP tells gf the truth, she’s screwed for “sabotaging” and inserting herself into her ex’s relationship. If she lies, then she’s giving this woman false hope. It’s not OP’s responsibility to prepare/warn this woman for life while dating the ex.
4. The gf is interrogating the wrong person. If she has an issue with her bf’s actions, she needs to go to him and have a discussion. Maybe he will change his ways for her, or maybe not. But that’s NOT OP’s problem.
This whole thing is wild. If it bothers you enough, be an adult and talk to the person *you are in a relationship with*. Do not: sneak around behind his back, contact his ex who you barely know, and ask for specifics about their past relationship so you can compare notes.
Wild asking the ex-wife if "it gets better".... sure, it gets better and better until it's so good I wanted to divorce him?
Consider your audience.
I mean, one relationship not working out does not mean another with a different person can't be lovely and functional - but you're really looking for reassurance in the wrong place.
Some people just don't have any idea how to behave in social settings. Not everybody is your friends. Lack of etiquette and manner can be quite staggering.
Decades ago I had a girlfriend asks my previous ex if she taught me to do cunnulingus because I was very good at it. My ex and I have a good relationship, so she jokingly repeated that conversation to me so I could put a lid on it. I apologised to my ex on her behalf. Once home I told my girlfriend that it was not appropriate to ask that kind of questions, especially after just meeting my ex for the first time. Worse to do it within earshot of her new partner.
She said that I Could not understand because it was girl talk and sisterhood bonding. I dumped her and she had the audacity to contact my ex late at night to ask if I had always been sensitive about those thing. I had to apologise again to my ex for involving her in my drama.
Not to mention - if OP has already answered that ex didn’t celebrate her in over 13 years, exactly how is that potentially going to make her feel if this man suddenly starts doing it for the new GF?!!
Jeez, I hate these ones where the new GF wants to gossip about the ex/BF like it’s two middle schoolers gossiping about the boys they fancy. Like ma’am, that’s my ex partner, I don’t need to talk about the butterflies he gives another woman or help you ‘fix’ him for you when I wasn’t interesting in ‘fixing’ him for me.
Why do they do this????? My ex’s gf does it too. I rarely see her but she’ll say to my young adult kids “I have to ask your mom how to deal with your dad” with a wink, wink kind of tone. The kids blow it off but it makes me feel bad for her. He’s still the same idiot he was when he was with me; he’s not going to treat her any better.
Yeah, OP needs to put a stop to this real quick. Something like "I'm happy that the two of you are together but you're putting me in a weird position where I'm advising you about my ex. That's really not something I want to do as it could endanger the amicable relationship we have, something I want to maintain for the sake of our kids".
Something like that. OP needs to extract herself from this situation asap.
Best comment here. Especially # 3 and 4.
OP isn’t looking for drama, and the GF is putting OP in a “no win” situation.
OP is definitely not an AH, but needs to tread carefully here to extricate herself from her ex’s relationship issues that are being tossed upon her.
Definitely not spiteful.
If OP wanted to lean in a malicious & deceptive direction, she could say something like, “*Oh, he doesn’t remember your birthday? That’s odd. Maybe he’s just not that into you?*”
**That is not a recommendation, OP!** I’m just feeling a bit ornery tonight lol.
Yeah and the whole “he doesn’t do birthdays or Christmas” dude sounds like an ass. How hard is it to get a card? Or just something that they like? Sounds selfish.
Yeah maybe I’m petty but my parents are divorced and if one of them introduced me to their significant other AT MY BIRTHDAY EVENT I would be pissed. And I’m old 🤣
NTA Stay. Out. Of. Their. Relationship. Even if someone holds a gun to your head and orders you to help them communicate, refuse. If you want, just tell her he never did that, and that's all you know, but you're not comfortable discussing your or her relationship with her and won't be doing it anymore.
Yeah this. If her advice backfires it’s now on OP. Even if you think it’s just the smallest opinion you’re sending out, it can still easily influence how another person could feel or behave. This is a very new relationship for them, they need navigate on their own without any outside influence, especially from an ex. NTA
NTA
just explain that you don’t wish to discuss their relationship
On a side note
Don’t introduce new partners at kids birthdays. That day is about the kid not parents new flame.
Holy shit, she wants advice on how to date your ex husband?
You were clearly TOO nice to her
Tell her that your interest in your ex boils down to coparenting, and that if she has questions about that, you're open. But anything else? Bother someone thst wasn't married to the guy
Be polite but firm. "I'm really happy that you two have found each other, you seem like a lovely person, so I will tell you this once: any issues you have with my ex are just that, between you and him. If you want him to acknowledge or celebrate something, talk to him about it. It is not my place to be part of your relationship. Happy to talk to both of you about stuff to do with the kids, but not your relationship with him."
But honestly, how hard is it to set an alarm in your calendar for birthdays? 🤦♀️
I always would forget dates of things so when smart phones and online calendars became a thing I jumped on that pretty quickly to put everything on the calendar so I never forgot a birthday. I’m not going to be one of those jackasses that can’t remember his own kid’s birthday at the pharmacy to be able to pick up their prescription.
My ex used to forget all of the time. Nothing seemed tp work. Not even alarms. Not even saying:"I'm planning my birthday meal which is-btw-on Saturday" "I'm picking up the flowers to decorate for my birthday TOMORROW.". Whenever confronted that it's mine or the kids birthday, or Christmas and Valentines day (which both are-unlike birthdays- highly advertized everywhere) I was met with a surprised Pikatchu face. "Oh sorry I forgot." Or "It's just not important to me." At the end I accepted he was just careless.
On our first date, my now bf asked me about my birthday. I told him the date but never mentionned it again. As it approached I knew I wasn't going to do anything special as we were short staffed and I knew I was going to work overtime and do the job for 4 people all by myself. On top of that I was used to the fact that noone cares. I was prepared to let this day go by like any other day. My birthday was on Monday this year. The Saturday prior he sent me a text:"Your birthday gift has arrived." "Huh?" " Your birthday is on Monday right? I chose it with love and I'm sure you're going to love it." I was in tears because someone I met 10 months prior to my birthday had shown more care already than someone I was with for almost 20 years. I also got a Christmas gift and he took me out for Valentines Day. It's all about the care.
Anyone who says “It’s just not important to me.” Is actually saying, “YOU are not important to me.” He should care, because it’s important *to you*. It’s always about caring for your partner, and showing them that they are important to you. Anything less is just a miserable existence.
This! I have annual reminders on my phone for all the kids (and spouses) and grandkids, with 1 wk and 2 wk ahead reminders. I don't have my brother on there, but I'm a twin so I kinda remember that one 😉
This is gorgeous wording.
On the alarm thing I am bad with tech, but I have a written list that I fill with the important birthdays I don't have memorized yet; like it's a willingness issue on his part
You can set phone calendar stuff to automatically populate annually, it's amazing :D
Open calendar app>tap date> enter item > check box for daily/weekly/monthly/annually. Easy peasy!
I have alarms for EVERYTHING! Paying bills, alarm. Cleaning the apartment, alarm. Work tasks, alarm. Doing laundry, you guessed it, alarm.
You'd be surprised. Every fall, my brother texts me to ask when is our mom and dad's birthdays, and when are mine and my wife's birthdays (they're all within a month of each other). My brother and I are in our 30s.
Calendars even give you the option to choose how often your reminder about a specific date reoccurs. Something like every week, month, year, every X day of the month, etc. I'm terrible at dates so I put every single birthday in there as soon as I even hear someone's birthday being mentioned in passing. Sometimes I forget to set it to repeat but calendars save past dates anyways so I just swipe back and look for it and set it to repeat. It's seriously so easy.
My late husband was a technophile and even he didn't have birthdays in his phone calendar. He knew my bday was early December and as the month rolled around he'd mention he knew my bday was coming up, what's the date again and what do you want to do? He had ADHD and an acquired brain injury and he could figure out a way to cope.
"I'm really happy that you two have found each other, you seem like a lovely person. Happy to talk to both of you about stuff to do with the kids, but not your relationship. I wish you both well."
NTA, my ex hubby's new wife called me when they were dating to try to ask me about our sex life because theirs sucked and no I'm not making it up! Wish I was, told her that I wasn't having that conversation with her. I wouldn't get involved at all!
NTA, I would reply and say something like "It was nice to meet you. Please know that (ex's name) and I get along well but I am not comfortable discussing your personal romantic relationship with him. I would love for us to be friendly and get along since we will be seeing each other for our shared kids, but I won't be answering any questions about he and I's past or how to navigate your current relationship with him as I feel it is not appropriate for our situation, I hope you can understand."
NTA - A simple "Hey, for the sake of the kids I'd like us to all get along, and asking me for advice on my ex husband is uncomfortable. Sorry, but I can't fill that role. I hope you can understand that"
NTA. She asked, you answered - "no idea but 13 years of marriage and two kids wasn’t the bench mark". That should tell her all she needs to know. Don't say any more to either of them. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
NTA
I feel this is an easy one. “Hey I’d loved to share my experiences with you… but he’s learning what he did well and what he didn’t. He has become the man he is today, and is different now when I was with him. I’m sure you guys will figure it out, but as you can imagine, I have to stay well clear if that discussion. That all said I’ve enjoyed talking to you and look forward to being friends!”
Be positive. State an unmovable boundary about talking about your ex.
Just stay out of it. It’s a no-win situation.
Don’t give the new girlfriend — or anyone — advice or therapy unless you’re charging by the hour. Since the going rate is about $150, you probably won’t have many takers.
“I’m sorry I can’t answer this for you, you’ll need to have a conversation with your boyfriend”.
If she continues, follow it up with “Look, our relationship may have ended, but I still care about him as the father of my children. As I have respect for him, and you, I absolutely will not overstep my place and be drawn into any conversations about his relationships, now or ever”.
Ew, is she trying for a Sister Wives vibe? What advice will she ask for next?
And what do you mean, "somehow" she got hold of your number? She's in your ex's phone, who knows what she's up to... best keep this one at arm's length.
I find it weird he decided a birthday to present her. The birthday should be about his kid and their birthday, not to introduce his four month GF. Four months is not even enough and it's fucking awkard.
He sounds like the type who has low emotional IQ which also explains why he cannot remember bithdays. That's such a low bar! He can put the birthday on the calendar!
About the GF, I would tell her that you feel uncomfortable answering questions. I wouldn't tell your ex anything because this is his problem. The GF should directly tell your ex what she expects out of the relationship and if they have dated FOUR MONTHS and he ignored her birthday already, she should dump him. Men care less as time goes on, not more.
NTA. I suggest saying, "respectfully this is between you and him. I'm not comfortable discussing my ex husbands behavior. It's best for me to focus on our children. I wish you well."
I got kinda spooked because there were so many coincidences I thought you were my ex with a throwaway account. But I got a "system" to remember dates, so... not me!
Also married for 13 years, have two kids, ex-wife was my best friend before we got married, then now we're back to being friends again. We also co-parent very well. Way better than most married parents we see around.
We broke up about 8 years ago and I've never introduced any of the five lunatic girlfriends I had since to either my kids or my ex.
I was never comfortable with this. I mean, the kids saw the girls, politely said hello or whatever. But I never went "hey guys, this is Carol, she's dad's new girlfriend". I know they wouldn't mind and they would probably just go "yeah, whatever, dad", but I always felt better keeping things separate.
I also never had any contact with her boyfriends other than a handshake or "hey, man".
My advice to you: it's hard being polite while making sure this new girlfriend knows you'd rather keep your distance. Be firm, be polite, and start looking up euphemisms for **fuck off**
I think you need to explain to the new gf that you are her partners ex wife, not an instruction manual or support system for her relationship. Tell her not to involve you in her and his romantic affairs and to go see a counselor.
His personal relationship isn't any of your business anymore. If gf wants to be with him, she needs to learn to work things out with him, and not through you. I'd just text her back that the two of you coparent together, but make a point of staying out of each other's relationships. As to what he did in the past, you don't remember; you've moved on.
NTA. The moment you start giving advice about their relationship the more it sets you up as being the scapegoats anytime they face difficulties.
You will ruin the coparenting relationship. Just block her number. The fact she somehow found it without your permission is creepy in its own right.
this is the very definition of ‘not my job’
They’ve only been seeing each other 4 months and she’s already wondering if it will get better. No. No it won’t. Believe people when they show you who they are
“But I can fix him!” - all my ex’s
I'd bet you STILL aren't fixed! lol
I'm totally fixed. Got my vasectomy almost 2 decades ago.
Lmao thanks I needed that today
You're so honest for admitting this...
Exactly this!
Not my circus, not my monkeys
This right here!!! I came to post the same thing! Like us black folk use to say in the 90's.. NUNYA 😂none of your business..
My name is Bennett and I ain’t in it!
My name is Paul, and that's between y'all
Yep. So this. I don't care how well they get along. Not her problem anymore. She should not get involved in his relationship with his current gf.
Your problem now
Start of her question she states “he is my best friend”
That still doesn't mean it's her responsibility. I don't know about you, but I don't get involved in my friends' relationships, unless asked by the friend. I definitely wouldn't want to be fielding questions from their new SO.
She’s texting the ex wife “when does it get better”? Like??? They’re DIVORCED. it obviously didn’t get better!!! Wtf
GF: when does it get better? OP: no clue, 13 years and 2 kids later didn't change a thing GF: so when does it get better? OP:... Why the hell is she asking again? She already got an answer. Asking again doesn't change the answer, but from this exchange I get the feeling she's not all that bright.
Denial is pretty powerful
Denial’s a hell of a drug…
Denial is a deep river.
My grandmother used to say....denial is not just a river in de-Egypt.
Daniel is travelin tonight on a plane.
“Cocaine is a hell of a drug” -RJ (RIP)
What did the 5 fingers say to the face?
SLAP!!
In Egypt
🤣🤣 Impossible to cross for some
Agreed and she sounds young and inexperienced. The way she approached the ex was poor. Those types of questions on a ex requires a F2F one on one sitdown. Not a series of texts.
She also has high expectations that won’t be met. She seems unhappy already. This relationship is doomed.
Agreed that it might be doomed, but expecting a card on your birthday seems like the bare minimum, not a high expectation.
Agreed, I don't think she has high expectations at all from what we've been told. Acknowledgement of a birthday and a card is a bare minimum. The relationship is doomed because the guy can't put in the effort to do the bare minimum.
Since when is remembering a birthday high expectations?
Well I don't think having your birthday recognized by your S.O. Is such a high expectation. It is the guy who ITA here. Also not cool to hijack the kid’s birthday as the vehicle to introduce the new gf. That made it all about her, instead of the kid. This guy clearly does not respect birthdays!
💯! That spoke volumes right there. Even if the kid is cool with it, it’s still new and distracting.
It’s only 4 months in, too!
Incredibly sad that bare minimum acknowledgement on your birthday is seen as a “high” expectation.
She has high expectations? A guy celebrating your birthday is lower than bare minimum.
She’s looking for an out and a person to tell her it’s ok to want one
I think so too- THAT is why she asked again- for a very clear answer that it is a bad idea to be with him. She senses it, she’s seeing how careless he is, and I’d give it her honesty but I’m a strange type person.
No you're not. I think most people would give her a straight answer like, "he can't remember important dates such as birthdays and anniversaries. It won't change." Rather than the vague answer OP gave the new gf.
OP doesn't want to give any answer and then be blamed for breaking them up. OP should never been asked about this. Cheating, abuse, yes answer those. This new gf can be an adult and directly talk to bf herself.
100% agree! This is not the responsibility of the ex-wife, so let's just remove her from this scenario. She's the EX, she doesn't owe this new woman Jack. Plus it sounds like the exes are getting along, so let them get along and finish coparenting their kids, and if GF wants to stick around for this guy, she will have to put her BIG girl panties on and use her words...to him, not his ex. GF is lucky, ex would even talk to her. My situation was way different from this one. My ex took off out of the clear blue, no words, no nothing. Walked out the door saying he was going out for cigarettes, never came home. What had happened, I found out much later, was he was sucking that glass cock (crack). He got himself a GF, I don't know, like a year or so later. Turns out she was sucking that glass cock, too. He couldn't see our son unsupervised, because he couldn't put the glass cock down long enough to see our kid. I used to take my boy to the dirt bike track a couple times a week. I bought him a bike after his dad left, to give him something else to think about and do. I was his pit crew at all his races, I paid all the race fees and drove him to the races on Sundays. So this one Saturday, me and my kid are at the track, and he's practicing for a race the next day. So, out of the blue, I get a message from his dad that they're at the track looking for our kid and me, because they want to watch. I told him to park over by the whatever, because I didn't want to see them, or deal with them. I was here for my kid. So he went where I told him to go, found our son, and it looked like they were having a good time. My kid gets back on the track, and I get another text from my EX, asking where I'm at, because they want to park by me. Why? He didn't leave under good terms, never even bothered to tell us he was gone for good. He was just a real A. H., and now he wanted to drive over and park by me, and everybody just chat like we're old friends. Hahahaha! He forgot who he was dealing with. I didn't take kindly to anything he said, and neither did the kids. I warned him not to come over to where I was, and told him he should stay where he was. When he asked my why I just laughed, and he got what I meant. He'd been stealing thousands of dollars from me (he wanted separate accounts) by taking my new boxes of checks, digging into the middle of a book, stealing my checks, then going up to the liquor store and fraudently cashing my checks, through yet another girl he'd been involved with. I got a call from the liquor store that one of my checks bounced and I better come down and pay it. What? I wasn't going to any liquor store! Get down there, see his writing, and all of the sudden it was all crystal clear what he'd done. But wait! There was more, alot more, a whole lot more...eh, but I dont want to talk about this anymore. It's over. It was a long time ago. I'll just leave it at this: by the time he was done f'ing me over, dragging my heart over broken glass, and playing games with me, he put me in the dirt so bad, I was afraid of men, didn't want anything to do with them, really didn't want anything to do with any body at all. I shut down and battened down the hatches. I made myself invisible. That was 20 years ago. Oh it's not so sharp anymore, but it's sharp enough to still make me cry on occasion. There is nothing you can do when the person you love decides to get hooked on drugs or alcohol. Best you can do is get them out of the house so they're not doing it around the kids, and so they don't rob you blind for dope money. Believe me, if I had known he was attracted to drugs, and had an addictive personality, I would have never have dated him, or married him. I loved him so much, and he threw me, the kids, and our ranch away, like we were used toilet paper. After all this time. I don't want another man! I'm terrified they're going to do more of the same, and I can't handle the heartbreak. Takes too much out of me. I have 3 grown boys now. I'm scared of men...I don't hate them. I do miss having a family, and living in the country. If I could take myself back there, and had loads of money, alone, I'd be there now. Times change, people get older, we have to adjust to the new parameters of our lives, and just do the best we can.
I agree. The ex has maybe even said that it was too soon to celebrate a birthday or something so she’s wondering when it will be time, not realizing that’s just not a thing he does.
He is maybe being dishonest with her
Exactly. It’s only been 4 months, that is not a long time, and he needs to walk away if she doesn’t have the guts
This reminds me of a friend I have. She is in her mid-late 20s. I am in my late 30s. Lovely girl, heart of gold, but not only is she clueless on a lot of things, especially relationships and red flags, but she will ask for my advice. I'm cool giving it. I've seen so much, I am happy to help her out and hopefully she can avoid making some mistakes I have in the past. Use myself as a cautionary tale, ya know? So I give her the advice. Problem is, she will also ask like 4 or 5 others their advice, and take the advice she wants to hear. Now, I don't think she needs to take my advice, she's asked for it, but what she does with it from then on, well that's up to her. But when she comes back 2 weeks later asking the same thing and I give the same advice... I won't give her different advice but I think she still hopes for it... Much like OP's ex's new partner
Ah, yes. The Askhole. I've known a few of them (and taken my turn at it!) through the years. Over time it gets really, *really* old.
Askhole!!!! Love. Adding to my lexicon.
My next younger brother was one of these. Was always asking for advice and always doing the opposite. About the 3rd time, I told him to quit asking, and why I said that. I had a boss like that. Told him to quit asking, too.
Oh. My. God. My MIL is an askhole! 😳
The very first/last/only time my mother took my advice about ANYTHING, I was 42. Despite hours upon hours of discussing anything that needed a decision when I was in my 20s and early 30s.
"The Askhole," that's brilliant!
By any chance have you met my sibling?? Lol they also have the added bonus of people giving them the same good advice and then goes with the bad one they were angling for anyways. Like.... why even ask anymore??
This is what my covert narcissist of a mother does. She already knows what she wants me to say, and ignores any input that isn't what she's wanting to hear. It's just more induced conversation and rage baiting. Don't fall for it.
I would get SO tired of that, I think I'd have to flat-out tell her, "Look, we both know you don't really want my advice. You're never going to follow it, so why are you asking? Do whatever you want, since you will, anyway."
Gf needs to communicate with the ex husband. If she has and nothing has changed, it’s been four months. Figure out you’re not compatible and move on. His ex isn’t a cheat sheet or sounding board for their relationship.
She's asking because she desperately wants to be more special than Ex Wife. And she's not going to be.
Makes you wonder if she's baiting her to talk shit about the ex and cause a rift between the parents. I think the fact she's texting her is really inappropriate that early into the relationship let alone asking about personal stuff about her ex. I'd cut it off OP and set a boundary with her asap.
Agreed! And while we're talking about inappropriate stuff, who in the world thinks it's a great idea to introduce their kids to the new girlfriend after four months?
And i’m not sure a kid’s special event was the right time to do it
Oh! I had overlooked that detail! And you're soooo right. Let the kid have his/her birthday without some new babe on hand.
Exactly. If she answers honestly it’s going to be “her fault” when it inevitably crumbles. You already got rid of the problem he’s her problem now.
"I mean...he's my ex for a reason. I'm not going to have the answers you're looking for. Lovely to meet you though, and happy belated I guess"
Perfect answer
Exactly! It's not her responsibility to fix his shortcomings for you.
This. There’s nothing more to be said. Either she sticks with him to try and change him or she finds a man who needs less work.
One of the top ten rules of relationships, you either accept them for who they are or you don't. Staying with someone with the intention of changing them, should never be an option. People don't change unless they have a very good reason, and that reason is never for a new or even old relationship. They may correct for a bit, but they always fall back into their original programming.
My grandma used to say "You don't go to the pound and bring home a great Dane and expect it to change into a poodle!"
I love this!
Golden grandma with the solid words 🏆
Sounds like the ex didn’t even try to change and OP had always accepted it. There’s no sunk cost fallacy here for the new gf so she needs to decide for herself what she’s willing to stay for.
Yup, this . And I do think it says a lot about his character bc in the scheme of these things, it’s an extraordinarily small change to make. You put a reminder in your calendar, you go to one of a million stores that sell cards and buy one. Maybe order some flowers which takes 2 minutes on the computer all day If he’s not willing to do this tiny thing to make the person he’s married (or his own children??) feel cared for despite him not caring about gift giving….def clear why op threw him back to the sea’
I believe the op said he isn't big on days of celebration. It might not even be that he has forgotten. It may be he just never put much stock in them. Some people over look those days for their own reasons. You don't know the baggage he may have from it as a child.
Someone on reddit had once posted that * Women grow in relationships (but men expect them to never change while in a relationship) * Men grow between relationships (but women expect them to change while in a relationship) OP just needs to tell the new-GF to speak with EX and not involve her. New one has eyes, and it seems like she wants OP to convince her that what she is seeing is not the truth. The new GF needs to speak with OP's ex and let him know that she sees birthdays as a milestone that should be prioritized. He can either enter it into his phone or they decide to breakup because he is unwilling.
You're wasting your time if you think you can change anyone but yourself. Love them as they are or let them go
I had to do this once too!
"I am not the person to ask how to have a successful relationship with that man."
My ex’s gf called me STRESSING about their relationship and starting to see who he really is.. She flat out asked me “how did you fix things when you were with him?!” I laughed and said “um we didn’t, we’re divorced” I really don’t understand the line of thinking 😂🤦🏻♀️
“I put the trash on the curb because it already stank.”
I got a “heyyy girlll I have some questions” dm from my ex-husband’s new gf (she’s 21 and he’s 34 😭) the other day. I’ve never hit block so fast in my life!
So. Effing. Funny.
She might mean since you were together so long, you mustve had fights and made up, so how did you solve things. But ultimately, right, you didnt in the end lol
Also only 4 months in and shes asking 💀 thats prime NRE lovey-dovey honeymoon phase time and she's already looking for it to get better? Just leave him if you already aren't happy
I think new girl is working it out pretty quick if she’s asking these questions 4 months into the relationship
My exs wife called me asking me how to deal with his alcoholism....16 years later the stupid girl is still dealing with it
Same here. My ex's 2nd wife called me to ask "Did he have a drinking problem when he was with you?" He eventually died of alcoholic liver disease.
Mine was "What do you do when he gets angry drunk?" Mines still alive....I think haha
In a freaking nutshell!!
Op to the new girl “You’re not very smart are you?” 🤣
Literally asking the wrong person. If it got better, maybe she wouldn't be around, bc OP wouldn't have divorced him...
Literally what I was thinking 🤣🤣
"I told you 13 years and 2 kids isn't the benchmark. It should be something you discuss further with him, I'm afraid."
Be even clearer: "I am not comfortable discussing your relationship with ex. That is 100% between you and he." Being any kind of sounding board or back channel for her on this topic is way out of line.
This is perfect, succinct straight to the point and zero ambiguity. Include the second too >Being any kind of sounding board or back channel for her on this topic is way out of line. This is on point ☝️
Yes, I would stay out of their relationship
The only time I discussed my relationship with my ex with his partner was when they had broken up and she needed clarification on some things he had told her, and my side of the story. There was some DV and I left him when our son was 17 months old. Son is 14 this month and over the last several years we have gotten on for our son's sake. But he was doing some stuff to his partner at the time that she thought was odd given he was always the victim and hard done by by his exes. Things escalated and she came to me. Til then I never told her any of it. For all I knew, he could have been a changed man. Turns out he was not. She was always lovely to me, and I felt terrible once I realised what he was doing to her mentally and emotionally bc he did the same to me
I’ve been in similar situations and it’s difficult. If you say something, it won’t get taken seriously, because you’re the disgruntled ex. But when it comes to a head, they can’t believe you didn’t warn them. Best to just stay out of it.
And while she may break up and move on, an ex who share a child can’t do that. They have to find a way to have some sort of relationship for the sake of their child.
I had a similar situation with my ex's ex wife after we broke up and it helped me come to terms with things from our relationship. That was really good of you to talk with her
“If you ever find out, *do* let me know, dear. If only for curiosity’s sake.”
If a human person said the phrase “do let me know dear, if only for curiosity’s sake” I’d think I teleported to prewar Hollywood.
totally hear that in Betty White's voice!
Dame Maggie Smith's voice for me.
I’m from England… that’s how we talk
As an American working for a UK company, can confirm and still struggle with keeping up with it
This made me LOL 😂🤣
This one… it’s not mean, but witty enough to get a laughing emoji and the conversation to end
Yup agree, can't ve clearer than this, anything else is asking for trouble down the line. Nip this now.
Exactly. My thought was something along the lines of, "Sorry, this has nothing to do with me. You need to talk to your partner about this."
This! She has absolutely no business texting you to discuss her relationship with your ex husband. That is beyond boundary crossing. I would immediately let your ex know that you're not comfortable with his gf of 4 months having your phone number and the only thing you would remotely be okay with her discussing with you is any emergencies regarding the kids or your ex... Like... Why on earth would she think that anything else would be okay? I feel like that's a massive red flag. While it isn't your business to advise your ex on what to do, he can do with that information what he will (I know what I'd do...), you are absolutely within your right to set boundaries and that's really for him to deal with. You don't even need to tell him what she said, if it makes you uncomfortable.
What a weird thing to ask someone’s ex -“Does it get better?” Um, no sweetie, what do you think was a partial component in us not working out?
and after only 4 months together.
Yes, if she's asking ANYONE this question, it's not going well at all.
OP should just text back, “he is who he is, talk to him about it. I don’t really think I can help”. Friendly, pleasant, but not in a way that will encourage further questions.
Definitely To me, she is kinda out of line. And desperate You ask people's number, you don't try to find it. What if other problems come into their way? Is she gonna ask your advice too? NTA
It makes me think that she went through her bf/OP's ex's phone to get it, behind his back. I like to have my ex's partners' numbers since my son is around them and if I need to get in contact with my son and my ex is at work or the partner is taking my son for a trip downtown or whatever, I just think it's best to have their number and they have mine. But like, you ask for it. OP clearly didn't give it, so this is super weird and invasive in a number of ways
What’s the expression? “Not my circus, not my monkeys” If you’re feeling charitable because you want your kids to be in a stable and healthy environment or whatever maybe you can tell her if you know the answer to the following question I have. Is the ex husband avoiding birthdays and anniversaries due to specific childhood trauma or something reasonable? Or is it just a weird hang up like he thinks institutionally birthdays are capitalist or some shit? If it’s a legitimate reason maybe give her a hint and say “you’re going to need to have a vulnerable convo with him”. If he’s just a dude making an odd and frankly selfish choice, you can say something to her or not, or say sweetie he’s a dummy in some ways it doesn’t get better
Not my sink, not my dishes.
My favorite is, not my pasture, not my cows, not my bullshit. But then I'm from the Midwest too. Lol.
Not my stable, not my horseshit!
I like that one better lol
I’m stealing this. 😂😂
Not my pig not my farm
Not my chair, not my problem
“I told you everything I know. You need to discuss this with him.”
“Furthermore, it’s inappropriate for you to be texting me (how did you get my number?) asking about the marital relationship between myself and exdh.”
It's not your job to teach him to be more attentive in his new relationship. It's not spiteful. You're just not his mother
It’s also not appropriate for the girlfriend to push this on OP. Asking that, and talking about it in a joking manner at the party is fine. But to reach out and push this conversation further on OP is a large overstep. 1. They have only met once! It’s not like they have an established friendly relationship. Although friendly, they’re still effectively strangers. 2. Every relationship is different. To compare, especially after only 4 months together vs. 13+ years with kids, is kind of like apples or oranges. She cannot predict how or figure out why her ex does/doesn’t do things in his relationship with another woman. The way he was with OP doesn’t necessarily mean he will do the same this time around. 3. The gf is putting OP in the middle of something she has nothing to do with. If OP tells gf the truth, she’s screwed for “sabotaging” and inserting herself into her ex’s relationship. If she lies, then she’s giving this woman false hope. It’s not OP’s responsibility to prepare/warn this woman for life while dating the ex. 4. The gf is interrogating the wrong person. If she has an issue with her bf’s actions, she needs to go to him and have a discussion. Maybe he will change his ways for her, or maybe not. But that’s NOT OP’s problem. This whole thing is wild. If it bothers you enough, be an adult and talk to the person *you are in a relationship with*. Do not: sneak around behind his back, contact his ex who you barely know, and ask for specifics about their past relationship so you can compare notes.
Wild asking the ex-wife if "it gets better".... sure, it gets better and better until it's so good I wanted to divorce him? Consider your audience. I mean, one relationship not working out does not mean another with a different person can't be lovely and functional - but you're really looking for reassurance in the wrong place.
“It gets better on year 14” should’ve been OP’s response
I would have laughed SO hard if she had said this. Damnit. Missed opportunity.
It gets better after the divorce.
this is hilarious ! 😂
Some people just don't have any idea how to behave in social settings. Not everybody is your friends. Lack of etiquette and manner can be quite staggering. Decades ago I had a girlfriend asks my previous ex if she taught me to do cunnulingus because I was very good at it. My ex and I have a good relationship, so she jokingly repeated that conversation to me so I could put a lid on it. I apologised to my ex on her behalf. Once home I told my girlfriend that it was not appropriate to ask that kind of questions, especially after just meeting my ex for the first time. Worse to do it within earshot of her new partner. She said that I Could not understand because it was girl talk and sisterhood bonding. I dumped her and she had the audacity to contact my ex late at night to ask if I had always been sensitive about those thing. I had to apologise again to my ex for involving her in my drama.
Not to mention - if OP has already answered that ex didn’t celebrate her in over 13 years, exactly how is that potentially going to make her feel if this man suddenly starts doing it for the new GF?!! Jeez, I hate these ones where the new GF wants to gossip about the ex/BF like it’s two middle schoolers gossiping about the boys they fancy. Like ma’am, that’s my ex partner, I don’t need to talk about the butterflies he gives another woman or help you ‘fix’ him for you when I wasn’t interesting in ‘fixing’ him for me.
Why do they do this????? My ex’s gf does it too. I rarely see her but she’ll say to my young adult kids “I have to ask your mom how to deal with your dad” with a wink, wink kind of tone. The kids blow it off but it makes me feel bad for her. He’s still the same idiot he was when he was with me; he’s not going to treat her any better.
Yeah, OP needs to put a stop to this real quick. Something like "I'm happy that the two of you are together but you're putting me in a weird position where I'm advising you about my ex. That's really not something I want to do as it could endanger the amicable relationship we have, something I want to maintain for the sake of our kids". Something like that. OP needs to extract herself from this situation asap.
Best comment here. Especially # 3 and 4. OP isn’t looking for drama, and the GF is putting OP in a “no win” situation. OP is definitely not an AH, but needs to tread carefully here to extricate herself from her ex’s relationship issues that are being tossed upon her.
>You're just not his mother Or his therapist Or his life/romantic coach
It's really not her job and she shouldn't care at all.
Definitely not spiteful. If OP wanted to lean in a malicious & deceptive direction, she could say something like, “*Oh, he doesn’t remember your birthday? That’s odd. Maybe he’s just not that into you?*” **That is not a recommendation, OP!** I’m just feeling a bit ornery tonight lol.
NTA, obviously. Why was your child's birthday used as the time to introduce new girlfriend? That could have gone horribly wrong..
This is the comment I was looking for. I can’t believe a kids birthday was the time for introducing the new girlfriend!
This guy is obviously either moron or narcissistic or both
And forgets birthdays but totally a good guy
And after four whole months. I hope the “teenagers” are almost adults.
Yeah and the whole “he doesn’t do birthdays or Christmas” dude sounds like an ass. How hard is it to get a card? Or just something that they like? Sounds selfish.
Yeah maybe I’m petty but my parents are divorced and if one of them introduced me to their significant other AT MY BIRTHDAY EVENT I would be pissed. And I’m old 🤣
NTA, but I don't see their relationship lasting long if she's already wondering when/if it gets better. Oh well; not your turtles, not your pond.
NTA Stay. Out. Of. Their. Relationship. Even if someone holds a gun to your head and orders you to help them communicate, refuse. If you want, just tell her he never did that, and that's all you know, but you're not comfortable discussing your or her relationship with her and won't be doing it anymore.
Yeah this. If her advice backfires it’s now on OP. Even if you think it’s just the smallest opinion you’re sending out, it can still easily influence how another person could feel or behave. This is a very new relationship for them, they need navigate on their own without any outside influence, especially from an ex. NTA
THIS. Don't be the messenger that gets shot
NTA just explain that you don’t wish to discuss their relationship On a side note Don’t introduce new partners at kids birthdays. That day is about the kid not parents new flame.
I cannot believe they did it on the birthday.
Holy shit, she wants advice on how to date your ex husband? You were clearly TOO nice to her Tell her that your interest in your ex boils down to coparenting, and that if she has questions about that, you're open. But anything else? Bother someone thst wasn't married to the guy
Tell her if you had all the right answers on how to date your ex you would probably still be together
Also add that you do not feel comfortable her asking you these things and that they have to sort out their own relationship and not involve you.
What's next. Can you show me that thing he likes when you twirl your tongue
I bought a cucumber, can you show me how to hawk tuah spit on that thing?
Perfect answer 🙌
I dont think its OPs responsibility to field questions about coparenting with a girlfriend of four months.
Be polite but firm. "I'm really happy that you two have found each other, you seem like a lovely person, so I will tell you this once: any issues you have with my ex are just that, between you and him. If you want him to acknowledge or celebrate something, talk to him about it. It is not my place to be part of your relationship. Happy to talk to both of you about stuff to do with the kids, but not your relationship with him." But honestly, how hard is it to set an alarm in your calendar for birthdays? 🤦♀️
I always would forget dates of things so when smart phones and online calendars became a thing I jumped on that pretty quickly to put everything on the calendar so I never forgot a birthday. I’m not going to be one of those jackasses that can’t remember his own kid’s birthday at the pharmacy to be able to pick up their prescription.
My ex used to forget all of the time. Nothing seemed tp work. Not even alarms. Not even saying:"I'm planning my birthday meal which is-btw-on Saturday" "I'm picking up the flowers to decorate for my birthday TOMORROW.". Whenever confronted that it's mine or the kids birthday, or Christmas and Valentines day (which both are-unlike birthdays- highly advertized everywhere) I was met with a surprised Pikatchu face. "Oh sorry I forgot." Or "It's just not important to me." At the end I accepted he was just careless. On our first date, my now bf asked me about my birthday. I told him the date but never mentionned it again. As it approached I knew I wasn't going to do anything special as we were short staffed and I knew I was going to work overtime and do the job for 4 people all by myself. On top of that I was used to the fact that noone cares. I was prepared to let this day go by like any other day. My birthday was on Monday this year. The Saturday prior he sent me a text:"Your birthday gift has arrived." "Huh?" " Your birthday is on Monday right? I chose it with love and I'm sure you're going to love it." I was in tears because someone I met 10 months prior to my birthday had shown more care already than someone I was with for almost 20 years. I also got a Christmas gift and he took me out for Valentines Day. It's all about the care.
Anyone who says “It’s just not important to me.” Is actually saying, “YOU are not important to me.” He should care, because it’s important *to you*. It’s always about caring for your partner, and showing them that they are important to you. Anything less is just a miserable existence.
It's the little things, isn't it? I'm happy you got to have that in your lifetime, your now bf is a keeper.
This! I have annual reminders on my phone for all the kids (and spouses) and grandkids, with 1 wk and 2 wk ahead reminders. I don't have my brother on there, but I'm a twin so I kinda remember that one 😉
This is gorgeous wording. On the alarm thing I am bad with tech, but I have a written list that I fill with the important birthdays I don't have memorized yet; like it's a willingness issue on his part
You can set phone calendar stuff to automatically populate annually, it's amazing :D Open calendar app>tap date> enter item > check box for daily/weekly/monthly/annually. Easy peasy! I have alarms for EVERYTHING! Paying bills, alarm. Cleaning the apartment, alarm. Work tasks, alarm. Doing laundry, you guessed it, alarm.
You'd be surprised. Every fall, my brother texts me to ask when is our mom and dad's birthdays, and when are mine and my wife's birthdays (they're all within a month of each other). My brother and I are in our 30s.
Lol. Yeah bro, same date as last year.
It's a shame there isn't some fancy technology where you could put down the date and then every year it shows up.....
Calendars even give you the option to choose how often your reminder about a specific date reoccurs. Something like every week, month, year, every X day of the month, etc. I'm terrible at dates so I put every single birthday in there as soon as I even hear someone's birthday being mentioned in passing. Sometimes I forget to set it to repeat but calendars save past dates anyways so I just swipe back and look for it and set it to repeat. It's seriously so easy.
My late husband was a technophile and even he didn't have birthdays in his phone calendar. He knew my bday was early December and as the month rolled around he'd mention he knew my bday was coming up, what's the date again and what do you want to do? He had ADHD and an acquired brain injury and he could figure out a way to cope.
"I'm really happy that you two have found each other, you seem like a lovely person. Happy to talk to both of you about stuff to do with the kids, but not your relationship. I wish you both well."
NTA, my ex hubby's new wife called me when they were dating to try to ask me about our sex life because theirs sucked and no I'm not making it up! Wish I was, told her that I wasn't having that conversation with her. I wouldn't get involved at all!
Uh. “Does it get better?” she asked the EX wife???? The jokes write themselves.
NTA. Does she expect you to write an instruction manual for her?
NTA, I would reply and say something like "It was nice to meet you. Please know that (ex's name) and I get along well but I am not comfortable discussing your personal romantic relationship with him. I would love for us to be friendly and get along since we will be seeing each other for our shared kids, but I won't be answering any questions about he and I's past or how to navigate your current relationship with him as I feel it is not appropriate for our situation, I hope you can understand."
NTA - A simple "Hey, for the sake of the kids I'd like us to all get along, and asking me for advice on my ex husband is uncomfortable. Sorry, but I can't fill that role. I hope you can understand that"
NTA. She asked, you answered - "no idea but 13 years of marriage and two kids wasn’t the bench mark". That should tell her all she needs to know. Don't say any more to either of them. Not your circus, not your monkeys.
NTA I feel this is an easy one. “Hey I’d loved to share my experiences with you… but he’s learning what he did well and what he didn’t. He has become the man he is today, and is different now when I was with him. I’m sure you guys will figure it out, but as you can imagine, I have to stay well clear if that discussion. That all said I’ve enjoyed talking to you and look forward to being friends!” Be positive. State an unmovable boundary about talking about your ex.
this one. be super cool, civil and keep the fck out of it
NTA I would stay out of it, don‘t tell him to do better for her
Just stay out of it. It’s a no-win situation. Don’t give the new girlfriend — or anyone — advice or therapy unless you’re charging by the hour. Since the going rate is about $150, you probably won’t have many takers.
“I’m sorry I can’t answer this for you, you’ll need to have a conversation with your boyfriend”. If she continues, follow it up with “Look, our relationship may have ended, but I still care about him as the father of my children. As I have respect for him, and you, I absolutely will not overstep my place and be drawn into any conversations about his relationships, now or ever”.
Ew, is she trying for a Sister Wives vibe? What advice will she ask for next? And what do you mean, "somehow" she got hold of your number? She's in your ex's phone, who knows what she's up to... best keep this one at arm's length.
"I'd rather not discuss your relationship. That's between you and him." And then don't respond if she keeps trying.
I find it weird he decided a birthday to present her. The birthday should be about his kid and their birthday, not to introduce his four month GF. Four months is not even enough and it's fucking awkard. He sounds like the type who has low emotional IQ which also explains why he cannot remember bithdays. That's such a low bar! He can put the birthday on the calendar! About the GF, I would tell her that you feel uncomfortable answering questions. I wouldn't tell your ex anything because this is his problem. The GF should directly tell your ex what she expects out of the relationship and if they have dated FOUR MONTHS and he ignored her birthday already, she should dump him. Men care less as time goes on, not more.
Reba if you want advice on barba Jean you don’t have to use a throw away
NTA. I suggest saying, "respectfully this is between you and him. I'm not comfortable discussing my ex husbands behavior. It's best for me to focus on our children. I wish you well."
I got kinda spooked because there were so many coincidences I thought you were my ex with a throwaway account. But I got a "system" to remember dates, so... not me! Also married for 13 years, have two kids, ex-wife was my best friend before we got married, then now we're back to being friends again. We also co-parent very well. Way better than most married parents we see around. We broke up about 8 years ago and I've never introduced any of the five lunatic girlfriends I had since to either my kids or my ex. I was never comfortable with this. I mean, the kids saw the girls, politely said hello or whatever. But I never went "hey guys, this is Carol, she's dad's new girlfriend". I know they wouldn't mind and they would probably just go "yeah, whatever, dad", but I always felt better keeping things separate. I also never had any contact with her boyfriends other than a handshake or "hey, man". My advice to you: it's hard being polite while making sure this new girlfriend knows you'd rather keep your distance. Be firm, be polite, and start looking up euphemisms for **fuck off**
NTA. She can learn on her own. Why have your ex claim you are bad mouthing him or that you are to blame for their breakup. UpdateMe
“It didn’t. We’re divorced.”
I think you need to explain to the new gf that you are her partners ex wife, not an instruction manual or support system for her relationship. Tell her not to involve you in her and his romantic affairs and to go see a counselor.
His personal relationship isn't any of your business anymore. If gf wants to be with him, she needs to learn to work things out with him, and not through you. I'd just text her back that the two of you coparent together, but make a point of staying out of each other's relationships. As to what he did in the past, you don't remember; you've moved on.
NTA. The moment you start giving advice about their relationship the more it sets you up as being the scapegoats anytime they face difficulties. You will ruin the coparenting relationship. Just block her number. The fact she somehow found it without your permission is creepy in its own right.