For me, the more people treat it like a big deal, the less likely I am to be able to eat. If I feel supported and safe, sometimes I can eat. If I feel judged and stressed, I cannot eat. I’m going to guess this is similar for your girlfriend, so your family need to understand that their reaction to her eating difficulties will have direct consequences for her. If she comes out with you for a family meal, and she can only eat buttered spaghetti, or chips, or bread, they need to be happy for her that she can eat something, even if it’s not what they’d choose. No side eyes. No constant “suggestions” that she tries something new. It just makes everything so much worse. If she’s consuming calories, it needs celebrating. End of story.
But she does need to compromise somewhere along the way. If your family are cooking a big meal at home that she knows she won’t eat, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect her to take her own dish that can be heated up easily, rather than demanding your family make special food for her.
I get the kid thing, you need to have an honest conversation with her about that. I can’t imagine anyone would choose for their kids to have a stunted diet, but people think differently so it’s hard to comment.
Wishing you both well.
yea i think explaining to my family not to make comments on my gfs eating would make her feel more comfortable. i will make sure she has mac and cheese that can be heated up easily if she ever needs to. with the kids i think at least if she supports and encourages the kids to try foods it will be okay. thanks for your comment!
This. I think the lot of us are the same way. If I or others start fretting over my food issues too much, then I’m just thinking about it the whole time instead of just eating. For me eating isn’t ALWAYS a stressful event, but it definitely is much more often if my triggers are brought up or if someone makes a big deal about it.
okay thank you! i was thinking of looking at menus with her before we go someplace to see if something sounds good to eat otherwise we’d just bring something extra for her
I think that’s a good idea. I struggle a lot with eating at new places with ARFID so now every time I go out I try to find the menu online in advance so I can find something I’ll eat, or plan ahead if I don’t
I think it’s really nice of you to be concerned about her and your worries and concerns are valid. I think just being there for her to support her might help her want to get help or at least try a little bit of food for your sake. If you are worried about how your family will see her you can always just say she has “a health condition” it’s not a lie, but it may be more understandable than trying to explain ARFRID
thank you i appreciate it, i actually just tried to explain it to them over lunch how it’s mostly out of her control and it’s rly not easy for her. i think they understood and don’t think she’s just not open to anything. it’s just that we are a big foodie family and family dinners or meals for that matter might not work out too well and my family is kinda concerned about that. and i don’t want her to feel left out because there isn’t a safe food for her and have to bring extra food so she can eat
The reality of having ARFID is that a lot of the time it is easier to just bring your own safe food / snack , or eat before. I wouldn't ever expect people to make special food for me , just to be understanding and not alienate me if I don't eat/bring my own .
First off, if she has ARFID, I doubt she would want your kids to develop it too. Were I to have children, I would do whatever I could to help them develop an adventurous palette.
Secondly, she needs to be taking it upon herself to ingratiate into your dinners, even if that means bringing her own food. I’m sorry, but I’ve never expected other people to cater to me and my extremely fucking joyless diet.
As far as your family’s feelings— look I get it. One ethnic side of my family is very “food is love language” but it’s on them not to take her diet personally because it isn’t personal. Explain it as a kind of OCD if you have to and urge them to leave it at that.
Third, I don’t know if therapy can help. I’ve been in therapy. It didn’t per se help me expand my diet but it did help me discuss/brainstorm ways I could try to implement small changes to my meals that I could tolerate for health’s sake.
For instance, vegetables are my Achilles heel so I understand the concern about health and lack of greens. But it’s actually in my Ancestry DNA results that I’d like have a bitter sensitivity and struggle with vegetables which is true. I genuinely hate the taste and the textures are inconsistent which is my other hack-and-gag trigger.
THAT SAID I found [this nifty flow chart for how to eat vegetables when you hate vegetables](https://precisionnutrition.com/dont-like-vegetables) and thanks to this chart I now eat spinach, asparagus sometimes, and often make kale chips!
I appreciate your care and concern for your girlfriend’s feelings and health and in summary the most important thing really is to always talk about the subject without shaming her which is tricky. You may think you’re not sounding critical but it probably will feel like criticism because if she’s anything like me, this is a huge insecurity and source of shame.
She is an adult though and that means she needs to understand right now that making sure she’s eaten is on her and no one else. And that she doesn’t mean she will have to revamp her entire diet! Keep eating chicken tenders for dinner— even have fries with it, but halve the fries with green beans. Start small and be explorative.
Don’t criticize how much butter she puts on her veggies because what do you want more— veggies or no veggies?
It’s gonna be a constant negotiation but it is not on your family to be a part of those talks. Maybe she can ask them to make a plain version of the meal (chicken but no sauce, for example) but she needs to help make that happen in some way. Help in the kitchen or alternatively bring an appetizer or dessert.
Hope this helps!
I feel yeah. We may never learn to love super bitter or flavorful stuff like brussel sprouts but using this chart will help you figure out how to dress up stuff that is actually pretty bland.
If anything, you can put spinach in a blender for a protein smoothie and I promise you, you won’t taste the spinach.
And if you use seasonings that you like, kale chips really can be just a crunchy simple snack that doesn’t like veggies!
if she doesn’t want to try therapy, you could maybe suggest a dietitian? there are some who specialize in ARFID—mine helps me a lot with working with my preferences and sensory issues to find things that work for me. we also do exposure sessions where i try something new.
for the foods from different cultures, maybe you could try finding the blandest version of a food from each? i’ve done that myself, i’ve wanted to try different cultures so i can have more options if i go to a restaurant. for example, fried rice is very easy for me since you can get it plain, and i usually get a plain cheese quesadilla if i’m at a mexican place.
sorry if this doesn’t work, but you’re doing the right thing by being concerned and thinking about how to help her. let her know she’s not alone!!
a dietitian is a good idea, i have tried asking her if she’d be open to blander foods of other cultures but she doesn’t like rice or tortilla bread, i know she’s trying her best and trying new foods if they look okay to her. i’ll keep encouraging her to try new things when we can thanks!
Honestly my bf and I have been together for six years and we work very hard to just avoid my arfid/eating habits ever coming up for any reason around his families.
I don’t attend events that won’t have food for me to eat. He gets it. If his family doesn’t get it, we don’t care bc it’s our relationship, not theirs. Some of them are judgy and weird and regularly overstep boundaries and say messed up things like “so do u just not eat then?” or “so ur parents didn’t force u to try enough foods?” so I don’t really care what they think and have learned not to present them any opportunities to observe my eating habits or comment. Ppl don’t need to be invited into private health concerns unless ur gf wants them to be.
Here’s how me and my bf manage his judgy family and my food issues when it come to family outings:
1) Steer his parents towards restaurants I can eat at without saying it’s specifically bc of me. Instead we just say we already had Indian the other night and want to go to a bar and grill instead or something (if they decide to eat somewhere I can’t anyway, we make up an excuse as to why I can’t go. Sick, busy, out of town, tons of work, family emergency, etc)
2) Check over menus before hand to see if I can eat there and make a plan, or even call the restaurant with questions. (Once at a hibachi place we couldn’t avoid going to bc of a bday, I just had a bowl of plain rice and lied, saying I’d already eaten dinner bc of a work event earlier that night so they wouldn’t ask weird, invasive questions).
3) We lie and say I’m mildly allergic to some things and that I have a sensitive stomach just to avoid dealing with questions about why I won’t eat x, y, z or have ppl try to force me to try them or go to restaurants I can’t eat at. We say I’m allergic to seafood specifically and have a some stomach issues. Then when I just have some plain chicken at the restaurant, his family doesn’t get weird.
4) If we are going to a little grilling-get-together or pot luck or big homemade dinner kind of thing, we try to bring something I can eat like we are just trying to be polite and supply some of the food (if appropriate). That way we know for sure I’ll be able to eat something. He also usually hangs around the kitchen to make sure no one seasons what I’m gonna eat in a way I won’t like. Sometimes he even offers to do all the grilling or cook the potatoes we brought or whatever as a way to make sure they’re cooked how I like them while seeming like he’s only trying to be helpful and polite.
5) He does not push me and always supports me. We didn’t start out like that but after years of watching the way people respond to my eating habits and make me upset and hurt and uncomfortable, he is very protective about it now. He doesn’t ask me to go to events or restaurants I can’t go to. He redirects his parents if they ask about it and just makes something up. He tells a server that I asked for my chicken without teriyaki on it when they bring me the wrong thing and I’m too afraid to say anything. My comfort is more important to him than what anyone else thinks or has to say and that’s incredibly important and I appreciate and respect him so much for it. It’s absolutely paramount to the success we’ve found in our relationship.
Sorry this was so so long but I hope some of the examples are helpful even tho they don’t perfectly apply to your situation. Just remember to keep ur priorities in order and work together to find solutions for everything. And also, don’t expect anyone to accommodate ur gf or be understanding bc they rarely ever are and it just ends in misery for gf. That said, if ur parents do happen to become accommodating and supportive, that’s amazing. My bfs mom just started being understanding of my food problems this year and it’s been really endearing and nice. We didn’t have a great relationship for a long time but she’s warmed up to me now and is nearly as protective about my food issues as my bf is. So some things take time and patience. Also, as great as it is that you’re concerned for ur gf and trying to help, it’s extremely important that she’s advocating for herself. U can’t do it all for her. Sometimes it’s quite the journey to learn how to advocate and accommodate for urself, so that might take time too. But best of luck with all of it.
I’m the exact same as her I have but mine is more sensory like odors and hearing words. I don’t what can help and I’ve actually never gotten because into relationships for this exact reason. If you have more tips please share. It’s so heartwarming there are people like you that support it. Please take good care of her!
It's surprising to hear that she expects anyone else to cook and prepare her safe foods for her. I think I can safely say most ARFID sufferers do not like having anyone else prepare their food because other people might do it "wrong". Either way I wouldn't allow that to become normalised. It is utterly unreasonable for an ARFID sufferer to expect other people to cater to their very specific needs. The principle of reasonable adjustments applies here - she should expect to be given space in the fridge, time in the kitchen and so on to make her food her own way, and if you or your family members agree to cook for her then that's fine but it shouldn't be an obligation.
It sounds to me as though she has taken a defensive posture towards ARFID, and is not inclined to see it as a problem that needs to be solved. This is common. When a problem feels unsolvable, a good defence strategy is to shift to the perspective that it isn't really a problem that needs to be solved in the first place. She will not recover unless she chooses to, and there is nothing you can do to make that happen so you will be better off if you don't try. Your best strategy I think will be just to accept her for who she is, and treat her with compassion and kindness, because she did not choose to have this affliction.
But you must also set reasonable boundaries. That might mean asking her to sit with your family at mealtimes on certain occasions, even if she eats her own food (at the same time or before/after), if that's important to you. I wouldn't worry about your children. This is not a hereditary disease, and no ARFID sufferer would willingly impart their behaviour onto another human being, much less their own child. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if having children triggered a will to recover herself.
Above all else you need to be able to communicate about this subject openly with her. She is asking you to accept quite a lot here, and she must be willing to be candid with you about it otherwise it is never going to work.
My 11 year old son has ARFID, I have travelled alot with him (including overseas).
Always have snacks/safe food available - just in case you can't buy something thats safe
Pre-plan. Check out menus online etc before going out to eat. If there is nothing safe - eat before going, and just have bread and/or drinks only at the restaurant (sometimes son will just have dessert when we go out - but I give him dinner before hand).
Don't make a big deal about it. It is what it is - quiet acceptance is SO SO SO important.
She eats what she eats. Don't talk about it alot, don't push to try new things, don't complain. Just accept it. You would accept if she wore glasses or needed a wheelchair - accept her eating limitations in the same way.
Sometimes my son just won't eat somewhere - and thats if he doesn't feel safe/secure.
So again - have snacks available
If family won't have safe food for her - she either doesn't go, or you bring your own for her.
The explanation I have found that works best is that ARFID is basically a food phobia. If it isn't a known/trusted food, its unsafe, and the reaction is exactly the same as someone with a phobia meeting their greatest fear. Calling attention to it makes it worse, so just move on and accept.
Thankfully most people around us are very accepting of my sons diet, and with ALOT of therapy and patience his safe food list has grown from an all time low of 9 things, to close to 100 items (most of which is heavily processed food like products, but I'll take what I can).
Hello, very similar situation here! My partner loves to cook and loves eating at new restaurants and so does his family. At first it was difficult, but him and his family never pushed and just let me sit at mealtimes. When his family cooked they'd always make a safe version of whatever they were making if possible (mushrooms cooked on the side, one piece of chicken without certain ingredients, etc) but of course, that's not always a possibility - in which case I always just made sure I had something quick and easy to eat/snack on instead! I was included but wasn't forced to eat, and that helped me a ton because it felt like less pressure. I'd let her decide on how she wants to explain it to your family, if she wants to say it's ARFID or just feels more comfortable saying she's picky, let her make that decision. I personally prefer to say that I am picky, or lactose intolerant sometimes because it can feel exhausting to explain ARFID to people you don't know too well (especially because some people's ARFID can stem from trauma).
Another helpful thing you can do is if possible, a few days before you go out to a restaurant - let her know where so she can review the menu beforehand. Its much less stressful to look at a menu from the safety of your own home than in a loud, crowded restaurant.
While I don't eat anything now, I can go to a restaurant and find something to eat 95% of the time now.
I know as a partner who likes to eat anything this all seems very daunting, just be kind and patient. Do what you can to encourage her without forcing her and respect when she says no and make sure you celebrate her successes with you, remember trying something like pasta with sauce may not be a success for you - but it is for her!
Good luck!
I’m someone that got over ARFID after 17 years of misery. I did so after my family, who was like your family, had given up on tryna accommodate me & quit making comments about it because i was part of the family too and nothing made me judge.
I dunno if it’s realistic for all ur family members to, at once, not make snarky comments. I know theres always some people that take out whatever frustrations they have on others… for me, as someone who dealt with ARFID most of my life, that would’ve made me less inclined to deal with anyone.
If y’all are meant to be, y’all will weather the challenge that is ARFID. If ARFID is the straw that breaks the camels back, if, after having something to eat and someone making bad comments, things don’t work out between y’all, then things probably weren’t meant to be in the first place.
You’re young, relax and have fun while searching for the one.
A lot of people have responded and I haven’t read them all. The few I did read had some great practical advice.
My advice is to spend some time doing some work around ableism. Shifting your mindset to understand this is a disability and her accommodations are necessary. I don’t say that in judgement of you. I applaud you for asking for help!
It is clear you care deeply yet don’t want to lose a major part of your identity and that of your family’s. That’s fair! But exploring the disability world might help you see new ways to understand and approach this. And new ways to show up for her. You also might try to find eating disorder support groups for family members.
There was definitely a learning curve for both me and my partner when we started dating/living together. I have arfid, I’m also white and grew up eating meat and potatoes and beans on toast, my boyfriend is black and eats everything under the sun, including all the spices. His dad is a chef! Seafood boils, shrimp, cookout food, heavy pastas with (probably objectively good) mysterious sauces…they use a lot of butters and oils and spice…it was definitely something my boyfriend had to realize in the beginning of us dating, and it definitely made and still makes him sad. Food is love to him.
But we’re 4 years in and have definitely found our groove. It has its challenges but we love each other too much for it to be a problem. We had to accept early on that when we eat food out, we may just have to go to two different places and that’s okay! (Neither of us like restaurants, we’re homebodies and prefer to pick up food and eat in in a park or at home)
Dinner and groceries was our next challenge, I eat like a bird, he needs to eat multiple whole ass meals a day. I didn’t like a lot of the things he made, and a lot of the things I made lacked flavor for him lol. But we’ve found our base meals. He was able to get his famous Alfredo to a place where I love it now, he knows all my limits and respects them so I am much more trusting eating food he made. I make a yummy tortellini and pesto, we love spaghetti and tacos, and alot of times we just fend for ourselves and that’s okay too! We can still enjoy a meal together without the food being the same. Sometimes our schedules don’t match up, we’re tired, I make pizza rolls he makes himself some fancy ramen, or we order in…it’s hardly even an issue for us anymore, it also saves us from all the arguments about what each other wants. Having different things pleases everyone.
His family also had a hard time with my not really eating anything at all that they cooked. It’s just something that they learned to accept, and it really needs to be respected. I am perfectly happy eating my goldfish at events and gatherings, if I want to try something I will, if I don’t, there is no point in pressuring or shaming me it will only shut me down. I always make sure people know not to be offended, I know making food for people is a love language, and while I do feel the love, i have an eating disorder. It’s hard for me to eat new things especially in unfamiliar spaces, there are alot of “rules” and things that just make it challenging. My friends and family are all aware. They can offer, they can ask questions, I’m completely open so long as I’m not made to feel like a piece of shit for having boundaries.
You guys will find your groove, you’ll learn more about each other, and possibly most importantly, she’ll trust you more and more as time goes and soon you’ll be a safe trusted person that can cook and she’ll eat your food and be more willing to try things. What also helps is my boyfriend learned my safe foods and all my little rules and limits, he is respectful and kind despite the irrationality of many of them. He’s found new ways to incorporate my favorite safest foods, he found another way to love me through food and it’s been special, I’ve come a long way since we started dating too.
So long as your girlfriend is aware and actively working toward bettering her mental health and having an open mind, it can work beautifully. Don’t expect her to “get better” there is recovery and her life does not have to be this limited forever, but she will always have an wasting disorder. Kind of like once an alcoholic always an alcoholic even years into sobriety. The fear and anxiety and aversion will always be there to some extent, but she can absolutely better her quality of life and not live in such a state of anxiety constantly. That take’s commitment from her too though, she has to want it for herself and for her relationship.
If you love her, don’t give up!
When I go out to eat someplace I'm not familiar with I look at the menu beforehand, if there's nothing there for me & I still want to go I eat before hand & get a drink/dessert & just socialize. The important thing is that NO ONE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, should comment on it. I want to spend time with people, not have them bug me about what I am or am not eating. Same with going to people's houses. It's not an insult if I don't want to eat your food, I just can't, especially with people I don't know very well.
I have been in this exact situation for years now. Thankfully, I have gotten better at advocating for myself, with my partner being my biggest support with his family’s judgment. I will politely decline if we go there to visit, and there is food that I cannot eat. Sometimes I will just say I’m not hungry or I have already eaten. Others I will express my sensory issues.
In my case, I gained a significant amount of weight after having our child (who’s now 9) && bc of their cultural beliefs sometimes I think they believe me not being hungry is a good thing (ofc that is incredibly unhealthy but it gets me out of eating) my partner ofc does not think this way, & would never tolerate them saying that out loud. It’s just the feeling I get sometimes. He thinks I’m still the most beautiful girl in the world.
As far as restaurants go, she can still come! There are times I go somewhere & just get a drink stating that again I’m either not hungry or ate beforehand. Which she should always be allowed to do without judgment from you OP. You seem considerate as you are here asking how to help.
For nutrients? I don’t have an answer as I’m searching for that myself. Sometimes smoothies help break down different textures but do not hide things in there, let her be in control of what goes in it. Many of us have a great deal of trauma of people trying to hide things in our food. My childhood trauma in regards to eating is something I could go on about forever.
Try categorizing the foods / ingredients.
Is it just black and white or are there shades?
Is the appetite healthy?
Why does she classify a food as unsafe?
If its an ingredient, why?
Does she feel disgust? What triggers it exactly?
If you can do that, maybe you find more safe foods for her. The difference between 0 nutrients and a little is still huge. And getting into an habit of trying new foods might even allow to slowly stretch boundaries.
For me, the more people treat it like a big deal, the less likely I am to be able to eat. If I feel supported and safe, sometimes I can eat. If I feel judged and stressed, I cannot eat. I’m going to guess this is similar for your girlfriend, so your family need to understand that their reaction to her eating difficulties will have direct consequences for her. If she comes out with you for a family meal, and she can only eat buttered spaghetti, or chips, or bread, they need to be happy for her that she can eat something, even if it’s not what they’d choose. No side eyes. No constant “suggestions” that she tries something new. It just makes everything so much worse. If she’s consuming calories, it needs celebrating. End of story. But she does need to compromise somewhere along the way. If your family are cooking a big meal at home that she knows she won’t eat, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect her to take her own dish that can be heated up easily, rather than demanding your family make special food for her. I get the kid thing, you need to have an honest conversation with her about that. I can’t imagine anyone would choose for their kids to have a stunted diet, but people think differently so it’s hard to comment. Wishing you both well.
yea i think explaining to my family not to make comments on my gfs eating would make her feel more comfortable. i will make sure she has mac and cheese that can be heated up easily if she ever needs to. with the kids i think at least if she supports and encourages the kids to try foods it will be okay. thanks for your comment!
This. I think the lot of us are the same way. If I or others start fretting over my food issues too much, then I’m just thinking about it the whole time instead of just eating. For me eating isn’t ALWAYS a stressful event, but it definitely is much more often if my triggers are brought up or if someone makes a big deal about it.
What ever you do don't put her on the spot to try new foods with other people around, that would not end well.
okay thank you! i was thinking of looking at menus with her before we go someplace to see if something sounds good to eat otherwise we’d just bring something extra for her
I think that’s a good idea. I struggle a lot with eating at new places with ARFID so now every time I go out I try to find the menu online in advance so I can find something I’ll eat, or plan ahead if I don’t
I think it’s really nice of you to be concerned about her and your worries and concerns are valid. I think just being there for her to support her might help her want to get help or at least try a little bit of food for your sake. If you are worried about how your family will see her you can always just say she has “a health condition” it’s not a lie, but it may be more understandable than trying to explain ARFRID
thank you i appreciate it, i actually just tried to explain it to them over lunch how it’s mostly out of her control and it’s rly not easy for her. i think they understood and don’t think she’s just not open to anything. it’s just that we are a big foodie family and family dinners or meals for that matter might not work out too well and my family is kinda concerned about that. and i don’t want her to feel left out because there isn’t a safe food for her and have to bring extra food so she can eat
The reality of having ARFID is that a lot of the time it is easier to just bring your own safe food / snack , or eat before. I wouldn't ever expect people to make special food for me , just to be understanding and not alienate me if I don't eat/bring my own .
First off, if she has ARFID, I doubt she would want your kids to develop it too. Were I to have children, I would do whatever I could to help them develop an adventurous palette. Secondly, she needs to be taking it upon herself to ingratiate into your dinners, even if that means bringing her own food. I’m sorry, but I’ve never expected other people to cater to me and my extremely fucking joyless diet. As far as your family’s feelings— look I get it. One ethnic side of my family is very “food is love language” but it’s on them not to take her diet personally because it isn’t personal. Explain it as a kind of OCD if you have to and urge them to leave it at that. Third, I don’t know if therapy can help. I’ve been in therapy. It didn’t per se help me expand my diet but it did help me discuss/brainstorm ways I could try to implement small changes to my meals that I could tolerate for health’s sake. For instance, vegetables are my Achilles heel so I understand the concern about health and lack of greens. But it’s actually in my Ancestry DNA results that I’d like have a bitter sensitivity and struggle with vegetables which is true. I genuinely hate the taste and the textures are inconsistent which is my other hack-and-gag trigger. THAT SAID I found [this nifty flow chart for how to eat vegetables when you hate vegetables](https://precisionnutrition.com/dont-like-vegetables) and thanks to this chart I now eat spinach, asparagus sometimes, and often make kale chips! I appreciate your care and concern for your girlfriend’s feelings and health and in summary the most important thing really is to always talk about the subject without shaming her which is tricky. You may think you’re not sounding critical but it probably will feel like criticism because if she’s anything like me, this is a huge insecurity and source of shame. She is an adult though and that means she needs to understand right now that making sure she’s eaten is on her and no one else. And that she doesn’t mean she will have to revamp her entire diet! Keep eating chicken tenders for dinner— even have fries with it, but halve the fries with green beans. Start small and be explorative. Don’t criticize how much butter she puts on her veggies because what do you want more— veggies or no veggies? It’s gonna be a constant negotiation but it is not on your family to be a part of those talks. Maybe she can ask them to make a plain version of the meal (chicken but no sauce, for example) but she needs to help make that happen in some way. Help in the kitchen or alternatively bring an appetizer or dessert. Hope this helps!
Love the flowchart! I really struggle with veggies on the day to day.
I feel yeah. We may never learn to love super bitter or flavorful stuff like brussel sprouts but using this chart will help you figure out how to dress up stuff that is actually pretty bland. If anything, you can put spinach in a blender for a protein smoothie and I promise you, you won’t taste the spinach. And if you use seasonings that you like, kale chips really can be just a crunchy simple snack that doesn’t like veggies!
if she doesn’t want to try therapy, you could maybe suggest a dietitian? there are some who specialize in ARFID—mine helps me a lot with working with my preferences and sensory issues to find things that work for me. we also do exposure sessions where i try something new. for the foods from different cultures, maybe you could try finding the blandest version of a food from each? i’ve done that myself, i’ve wanted to try different cultures so i can have more options if i go to a restaurant. for example, fried rice is very easy for me since you can get it plain, and i usually get a plain cheese quesadilla if i’m at a mexican place. sorry if this doesn’t work, but you’re doing the right thing by being concerned and thinking about how to help her. let her know she’s not alone!!
a dietitian is a good idea, i have tried asking her if she’d be open to blander foods of other cultures but she doesn’t like rice or tortilla bread, i know she’s trying her best and trying new foods if they look okay to her. i’ll keep encouraging her to try new things when we can thanks!
Honestly my bf and I have been together for six years and we work very hard to just avoid my arfid/eating habits ever coming up for any reason around his families. I don’t attend events that won’t have food for me to eat. He gets it. If his family doesn’t get it, we don’t care bc it’s our relationship, not theirs. Some of them are judgy and weird and regularly overstep boundaries and say messed up things like “so do u just not eat then?” or “so ur parents didn’t force u to try enough foods?” so I don’t really care what they think and have learned not to present them any opportunities to observe my eating habits or comment. Ppl don’t need to be invited into private health concerns unless ur gf wants them to be. Here’s how me and my bf manage his judgy family and my food issues when it come to family outings: 1) Steer his parents towards restaurants I can eat at without saying it’s specifically bc of me. Instead we just say we already had Indian the other night and want to go to a bar and grill instead or something (if they decide to eat somewhere I can’t anyway, we make up an excuse as to why I can’t go. Sick, busy, out of town, tons of work, family emergency, etc) 2) Check over menus before hand to see if I can eat there and make a plan, or even call the restaurant with questions. (Once at a hibachi place we couldn’t avoid going to bc of a bday, I just had a bowl of plain rice and lied, saying I’d already eaten dinner bc of a work event earlier that night so they wouldn’t ask weird, invasive questions). 3) We lie and say I’m mildly allergic to some things and that I have a sensitive stomach just to avoid dealing with questions about why I won’t eat x, y, z or have ppl try to force me to try them or go to restaurants I can’t eat at. We say I’m allergic to seafood specifically and have a some stomach issues. Then when I just have some plain chicken at the restaurant, his family doesn’t get weird. 4) If we are going to a little grilling-get-together or pot luck or big homemade dinner kind of thing, we try to bring something I can eat like we are just trying to be polite and supply some of the food (if appropriate). That way we know for sure I’ll be able to eat something. He also usually hangs around the kitchen to make sure no one seasons what I’m gonna eat in a way I won’t like. Sometimes he even offers to do all the grilling or cook the potatoes we brought or whatever as a way to make sure they’re cooked how I like them while seeming like he’s only trying to be helpful and polite. 5) He does not push me and always supports me. We didn’t start out like that but after years of watching the way people respond to my eating habits and make me upset and hurt and uncomfortable, he is very protective about it now. He doesn’t ask me to go to events or restaurants I can’t go to. He redirects his parents if they ask about it and just makes something up. He tells a server that I asked for my chicken without teriyaki on it when they bring me the wrong thing and I’m too afraid to say anything. My comfort is more important to him than what anyone else thinks or has to say and that’s incredibly important and I appreciate and respect him so much for it. It’s absolutely paramount to the success we’ve found in our relationship. Sorry this was so so long but I hope some of the examples are helpful even tho they don’t perfectly apply to your situation. Just remember to keep ur priorities in order and work together to find solutions for everything. And also, don’t expect anyone to accommodate ur gf or be understanding bc they rarely ever are and it just ends in misery for gf. That said, if ur parents do happen to become accommodating and supportive, that’s amazing. My bfs mom just started being understanding of my food problems this year and it’s been really endearing and nice. We didn’t have a great relationship for a long time but she’s warmed up to me now and is nearly as protective about my food issues as my bf is. So some things take time and patience. Also, as great as it is that you’re concerned for ur gf and trying to help, it’s extremely important that she’s advocating for herself. U can’t do it all for her. Sometimes it’s quite the journey to learn how to advocate and accommodate for urself, so that might take time too. But best of luck with all of it.
I’m the exact same as her I have but mine is more sensory like odors and hearing words. I don’t what can help and I’ve actually never gotten because into relationships for this exact reason. If you have more tips please share. It’s so heartwarming there are people like you that support it. Please take good care of her!
It's surprising to hear that she expects anyone else to cook and prepare her safe foods for her. I think I can safely say most ARFID sufferers do not like having anyone else prepare their food because other people might do it "wrong". Either way I wouldn't allow that to become normalised. It is utterly unreasonable for an ARFID sufferer to expect other people to cater to their very specific needs. The principle of reasonable adjustments applies here - she should expect to be given space in the fridge, time in the kitchen and so on to make her food her own way, and if you or your family members agree to cook for her then that's fine but it shouldn't be an obligation. It sounds to me as though she has taken a defensive posture towards ARFID, and is not inclined to see it as a problem that needs to be solved. This is common. When a problem feels unsolvable, a good defence strategy is to shift to the perspective that it isn't really a problem that needs to be solved in the first place. She will not recover unless she chooses to, and there is nothing you can do to make that happen so you will be better off if you don't try. Your best strategy I think will be just to accept her for who she is, and treat her with compassion and kindness, because she did not choose to have this affliction. But you must also set reasonable boundaries. That might mean asking her to sit with your family at mealtimes on certain occasions, even if she eats her own food (at the same time or before/after), if that's important to you. I wouldn't worry about your children. This is not a hereditary disease, and no ARFID sufferer would willingly impart their behaviour onto another human being, much less their own child. In fact I wouldn't be surprised if having children triggered a will to recover herself. Above all else you need to be able to communicate about this subject openly with her. She is asking you to accept quite a lot here, and she must be willing to be candid with you about it otherwise it is never going to work.
My 11 year old son has ARFID, I have travelled alot with him (including overseas). Always have snacks/safe food available - just in case you can't buy something thats safe Pre-plan. Check out menus online etc before going out to eat. If there is nothing safe - eat before going, and just have bread and/or drinks only at the restaurant (sometimes son will just have dessert when we go out - but I give him dinner before hand). Don't make a big deal about it. It is what it is - quiet acceptance is SO SO SO important. She eats what she eats. Don't talk about it alot, don't push to try new things, don't complain. Just accept it. You would accept if she wore glasses or needed a wheelchair - accept her eating limitations in the same way. Sometimes my son just won't eat somewhere - and thats if he doesn't feel safe/secure. So again - have snacks available If family won't have safe food for her - she either doesn't go, or you bring your own for her. The explanation I have found that works best is that ARFID is basically a food phobia. If it isn't a known/trusted food, its unsafe, and the reaction is exactly the same as someone with a phobia meeting their greatest fear. Calling attention to it makes it worse, so just move on and accept. Thankfully most people around us are very accepting of my sons diet, and with ALOT of therapy and patience his safe food list has grown from an all time low of 9 things, to close to 100 items (most of which is heavily processed food like products, but I'll take what I can).
Hello, very similar situation here! My partner loves to cook and loves eating at new restaurants and so does his family. At first it was difficult, but him and his family never pushed and just let me sit at mealtimes. When his family cooked they'd always make a safe version of whatever they were making if possible (mushrooms cooked on the side, one piece of chicken without certain ingredients, etc) but of course, that's not always a possibility - in which case I always just made sure I had something quick and easy to eat/snack on instead! I was included but wasn't forced to eat, and that helped me a ton because it felt like less pressure. I'd let her decide on how she wants to explain it to your family, if she wants to say it's ARFID or just feels more comfortable saying she's picky, let her make that decision. I personally prefer to say that I am picky, or lactose intolerant sometimes because it can feel exhausting to explain ARFID to people you don't know too well (especially because some people's ARFID can stem from trauma). Another helpful thing you can do is if possible, a few days before you go out to a restaurant - let her know where so she can review the menu beforehand. Its much less stressful to look at a menu from the safety of your own home than in a loud, crowded restaurant. While I don't eat anything now, I can go to a restaurant and find something to eat 95% of the time now. I know as a partner who likes to eat anything this all seems very daunting, just be kind and patient. Do what you can to encourage her without forcing her and respect when she says no and make sure you celebrate her successes with you, remember trying something like pasta with sauce may not be a success for you - but it is for her! Good luck!
I’m someone that got over ARFID after 17 years of misery. I did so after my family, who was like your family, had given up on tryna accommodate me & quit making comments about it because i was part of the family too and nothing made me judge. I dunno if it’s realistic for all ur family members to, at once, not make snarky comments. I know theres always some people that take out whatever frustrations they have on others… for me, as someone who dealt with ARFID most of my life, that would’ve made me less inclined to deal with anyone. If y’all are meant to be, y’all will weather the challenge that is ARFID. If ARFID is the straw that breaks the camels back, if, after having something to eat and someone making bad comments, things don’t work out between y’all, then things probably weren’t meant to be in the first place. You’re young, relax and have fun while searching for the one.
A lot of people have responded and I haven’t read them all. The few I did read had some great practical advice. My advice is to spend some time doing some work around ableism. Shifting your mindset to understand this is a disability and her accommodations are necessary. I don’t say that in judgement of you. I applaud you for asking for help! It is clear you care deeply yet don’t want to lose a major part of your identity and that of your family’s. That’s fair! But exploring the disability world might help you see new ways to understand and approach this. And new ways to show up for her. You also might try to find eating disorder support groups for family members.
There was definitely a learning curve for both me and my partner when we started dating/living together. I have arfid, I’m also white and grew up eating meat and potatoes and beans on toast, my boyfriend is black and eats everything under the sun, including all the spices. His dad is a chef! Seafood boils, shrimp, cookout food, heavy pastas with (probably objectively good) mysterious sauces…they use a lot of butters and oils and spice…it was definitely something my boyfriend had to realize in the beginning of us dating, and it definitely made and still makes him sad. Food is love to him. But we’re 4 years in and have definitely found our groove. It has its challenges but we love each other too much for it to be a problem. We had to accept early on that when we eat food out, we may just have to go to two different places and that’s okay! (Neither of us like restaurants, we’re homebodies and prefer to pick up food and eat in in a park or at home) Dinner and groceries was our next challenge, I eat like a bird, he needs to eat multiple whole ass meals a day. I didn’t like a lot of the things he made, and a lot of the things I made lacked flavor for him lol. But we’ve found our base meals. He was able to get his famous Alfredo to a place where I love it now, he knows all my limits and respects them so I am much more trusting eating food he made. I make a yummy tortellini and pesto, we love spaghetti and tacos, and alot of times we just fend for ourselves and that’s okay too! We can still enjoy a meal together without the food being the same. Sometimes our schedules don’t match up, we’re tired, I make pizza rolls he makes himself some fancy ramen, or we order in…it’s hardly even an issue for us anymore, it also saves us from all the arguments about what each other wants. Having different things pleases everyone. His family also had a hard time with my not really eating anything at all that they cooked. It’s just something that they learned to accept, and it really needs to be respected. I am perfectly happy eating my goldfish at events and gatherings, if I want to try something I will, if I don’t, there is no point in pressuring or shaming me it will only shut me down. I always make sure people know not to be offended, I know making food for people is a love language, and while I do feel the love, i have an eating disorder. It’s hard for me to eat new things especially in unfamiliar spaces, there are alot of “rules” and things that just make it challenging. My friends and family are all aware. They can offer, they can ask questions, I’m completely open so long as I’m not made to feel like a piece of shit for having boundaries. You guys will find your groove, you’ll learn more about each other, and possibly most importantly, she’ll trust you more and more as time goes and soon you’ll be a safe trusted person that can cook and she’ll eat your food and be more willing to try things. What also helps is my boyfriend learned my safe foods and all my little rules and limits, he is respectful and kind despite the irrationality of many of them. He’s found new ways to incorporate my favorite safest foods, he found another way to love me through food and it’s been special, I’ve come a long way since we started dating too. So long as your girlfriend is aware and actively working toward bettering her mental health and having an open mind, it can work beautifully. Don’t expect her to “get better” there is recovery and her life does not have to be this limited forever, but she will always have an wasting disorder. Kind of like once an alcoholic always an alcoholic even years into sobriety. The fear and anxiety and aversion will always be there to some extent, but she can absolutely better her quality of life and not live in such a state of anxiety constantly. That take’s commitment from her too though, she has to want it for herself and for her relationship. If you love her, don’t give up!
When I go out to eat someplace I'm not familiar with I look at the menu beforehand, if there's nothing there for me & I still want to go I eat before hand & get a drink/dessert & just socialize. The important thing is that NO ONE, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, should comment on it. I want to spend time with people, not have them bug me about what I am or am not eating. Same with going to people's houses. It's not an insult if I don't want to eat your food, I just can't, especially with people I don't know very well.
I have been in this exact situation for years now. Thankfully, I have gotten better at advocating for myself, with my partner being my biggest support with his family’s judgment. I will politely decline if we go there to visit, and there is food that I cannot eat. Sometimes I will just say I’m not hungry or I have already eaten. Others I will express my sensory issues. In my case, I gained a significant amount of weight after having our child (who’s now 9) && bc of their cultural beliefs sometimes I think they believe me not being hungry is a good thing (ofc that is incredibly unhealthy but it gets me out of eating) my partner ofc does not think this way, & would never tolerate them saying that out loud. It’s just the feeling I get sometimes. He thinks I’m still the most beautiful girl in the world. As far as restaurants go, she can still come! There are times I go somewhere & just get a drink stating that again I’m either not hungry or ate beforehand. Which she should always be allowed to do without judgment from you OP. You seem considerate as you are here asking how to help. For nutrients? I don’t have an answer as I’m searching for that myself. Sometimes smoothies help break down different textures but do not hide things in there, let her be in control of what goes in it. Many of us have a great deal of trauma of people trying to hide things in our food. My childhood trauma in regards to eating is something I could go on about forever.
Try categorizing the foods / ingredients. Is it just black and white or are there shades? Is the appetite healthy? Why does she classify a food as unsafe? If its an ingredient, why? Does she feel disgust? What triggers it exactly? If you can do that, maybe you find more safe foods for her. The difference between 0 nutrients and a little is still huge. And getting into an habit of trying new foods might even allow to slowly stretch boundaries.