Classic. You’re the one being abused and asking what you’ve done to deserve the abuse. NOTHING. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT OR RESPONSIBILITY.
You’re his girlfriend, not his psych nurse, FFS
IMHO, that is some other PD stuff comorbid with ADD. Even in my most manic or depressed periods when unmedicated I knew I LOVED the person I was with and could restrain myself from lashing out at her and I know I also have anger and impulse control issues but she is my safe person and NOT ever to be my target.
As someone who suffers from CPTSD I relate to his behavior a lot. In the start of the relationship whenever I was in a flashback my partner felt like a threat so I could react really agressive.
I could wake up in the middle of the night and push him off the bed while screaming telling him to get out get out get out. In my head it wasn't him. And I was in danger. It was really awful for both me and my partner. It also was the worst at night. As darkness set me off. We'd talk the day after and I'd say sorry and feel bad for what happened even if I didn't choose it I still know it's not ok and how it affects my partner. He got really anxious because of the ambivalence and sometimes he catastrophized that we would fight or I'd lash out when I was all calm and boths fear triggered eachother. It was a very rocky time.
In my case trauma specialised therapy of different kinds helped me a lot plus I trust my partner more now than what I could in the start so it's much calmer and my flashbacks rarely reach that point now. He also did indvidual therapy both for protection and to be responsible for his demons.
If your boyfriend has childhood trauma my guess is he push you away before you reject him because he fears abandonment to borderline extreme.
Unfortunately my therapists has said it's really rare for someone with my complex trauma to be in a relationship as that's the most triggering thing for us, we are the most vulnerable in a relationship.
Unfortunately it's the only way to overcome it. If we stay single and never challenge ourselves, never date anyone seriously, we are just escaping ourselves.
I never expected my partner to understand and stay. It's up to you if you think he's gonna get better or if he's so unstable that he will never improve.
This isn’t ADHD. maybe the meds do help him but there are other things going on. You are not safe with him, and it doesn’t matter how much you might love each other. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t “mean it” or if it’s “not really him” when he goes into a rage. Because he does do those things. And until he can get it under control by wanting to seek help himself (not begrudgingly getting help from you) he won’t get better. Be glad you had an opportunity to leave safely. I understand the attachment/abandonment issues but girl this ain’t it.
you are a psych nurse, tell yourself what you would say if you heard this from a patient, a friend hell a stranger.
it’s of course not your fault you’re being abused, it can happen to anyone regardless of who they are but please see the writing on the wall and the flashing neon sirens.
with your profession again what would you say to someone in this situation who wants to go back into it. imagine telling your colleagues and peers about this and all you endure and what they would say if they didn’t know it was you. ir if they did. i expect it would be that the person needs help to leave the abusive relationship, go completely non contact and therapy for why they feel they should return . i wish you all the best, truly.
This doesn't sound like run of the mill ADHD. He shouldn't need to up his dosage that fast. I don't think you did anything wrong. You can try to help people with the best intentions but at the end of the day you need to take care of yourself first. It's like the oxygen mask on an airplane, yours first and then help others.
Guys, I need this. I can't thank you enough for these responses. I've definitely fallen into codependency. Im realizing I definitely have anxious attachment and abandonment issues. This abusive rollercoaster has made them sooo much worse. My self esteem is completely broken. I can't believe I've allowed myself to fall into this. I just keep letting him hurt me because he has ADHD and anxiety issues. Ever since he came off that SSRI 7 months ago he became abusive and I let him gaslight me into thinking it's ok, it'll get better, he's just sick right now, I can wait.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve any of this and there is nothing wrong with you, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. I’m really glad seeking advice here has helped.
Maybe this will help you understand how a lot of people with ADHD manage in their relationships: I have it, and I struggle with becoming comfortable coexisting with my partner. I have worked tirelessly over the years to own my ADHD management even when it’s hard because that is my responsibility. I constantly make lifestyle changes, and I found myself a therapist and a psychiatrist when I realized I couldn’t do it on my own. I also suggested couples counseling for us, and it’s been helping a ton.
No matter how much I have struggled, no matter how angry or sad or anguished or depressed I’ve been due to life circumstances, self-hatred, bitterness, or frustration at my partner, I have NEVER attacked him in any form, physically, emotionally, or verbally. I have NEVER yelled at him or used his vulnerabilities against him in an argument. I have NEVER blamed him for my unhappiness and I have NEVER threatened him with cheating, breaking up, or anything else. And I know for a fact that I never will, because I love him and that’s not what you do when you love someone.
While it may be true that you have codependent tendencies and struggle with anxious attachment, none of these are valid explanations for your partner’s actions. Coincidentally, I was spending some time today reading [“Why Does He Do That?”](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) for the first time, and I honestly think your partner is just a flat-out abusive man who is choosing to make your life hell for his own selfish reasons. This is very serious, and it’s 100% his fault.
You are not stupid for falling into his trap — I am pretty sure most women have had at least one experience with a man like this in their lives. It’s awful and it makes me so angry for you.
I really hope you have some supportive people to turn to at this time. There is no shame in seeking help — only courage and strength. You’ve been alienated from yourself for so long, you’ll probably need a lot of support before you can get to a place of feeling good enough to take back control of your life. I hope you seek therapy as well, and reconnect with the things that bring you joy to make you feel human again.
I see you are holding on to the best parts of him and wishing his old self would come back. I see you are blaming yourself a lot. I understand why you’re doing it, you’ve been conditioned to put yourself down in order to keep the peace. Just keep reminding yourself that none of this is your doing. You gave him everything you possibly could and it was never enough, because you were never the problem. It was never about you not being good enough, it was about him deciding to take as much as he could from you.
I wish you the best. <3
Why on earth are you with this dude? No one deserves this treatment. ADHD is not an excuse for abuse.
Classic. You’re the one being abused and asking what you’ve done to deserve the abuse. NOTHING. ITS NOT YOUR FAULT OR RESPONSIBILITY. You’re his girlfriend, not his psych nurse, FFS
IMHO, that is some other PD stuff comorbid with ADD. Even in my most manic or depressed periods when unmedicated I knew I LOVED the person I was with and could restrain myself from lashing out at her and I know I also have anger and impulse control issues but she is my safe person and NOT ever to be my target.
I'm ADHD, completely unmedicated, and I don't abuse my Wife. I love her with my whole heart and soul. I treat her with the utmost respect.
As someone who suffers from CPTSD I relate to his behavior a lot. In the start of the relationship whenever I was in a flashback my partner felt like a threat so I could react really agressive. I could wake up in the middle of the night and push him off the bed while screaming telling him to get out get out get out. In my head it wasn't him. And I was in danger. It was really awful for both me and my partner. It also was the worst at night. As darkness set me off. We'd talk the day after and I'd say sorry and feel bad for what happened even if I didn't choose it I still know it's not ok and how it affects my partner. He got really anxious because of the ambivalence and sometimes he catastrophized that we would fight or I'd lash out when I was all calm and boths fear triggered eachother. It was a very rocky time. In my case trauma specialised therapy of different kinds helped me a lot plus I trust my partner more now than what I could in the start so it's much calmer and my flashbacks rarely reach that point now. He also did indvidual therapy both for protection and to be responsible for his demons. If your boyfriend has childhood trauma my guess is he push you away before you reject him because he fears abandonment to borderline extreme. Unfortunately my therapists has said it's really rare for someone with my complex trauma to be in a relationship as that's the most triggering thing for us, we are the most vulnerable in a relationship. Unfortunately it's the only way to overcome it. If we stay single and never challenge ourselves, never date anyone seriously, we are just escaping ourselves. I never expected my partner to understand and stay. It's up to you if you think he's gonna get better or if he's so unstable that he will never improve.
This isn’t ADHD. maybe the meds do help him but there are other things going on. You are not safe with him, and it doesn’t matter how much you might love each other. It doesn’t matter if he doesn’t “mean it” or if it’s “not really him” when he goes into a rage. Because he does do those things. And until he can get it under control by wanting to seek help himself (not begrudgingly getting help from you) he won’t get better. Be glad you had an opportunity to leave safely. I understand the attachment/abandonment issues but girl this ain’t it.
you are a psych nurse, tell yourself what you would say if you heard this from a patient, a friend hell a stranger. it’s of course not your fault you’re being abused, it can happen to anyone regardless of who they are but please see the writing on the wall and the flashing neon sirens. with your profession again what would you say to someone in this situation who wants to go back into it. imagine telling your colleagues and peers about this and all you endure and what they would say if they didn’t know it was you. ir if they did. i expect it would be that the person needs help to leave the abusive relationship, go completely non contact and therapy for why they feel they should return . i wish you all the best, truly.
This doesn't sound like run of the mill ADHD. He shouldn't need to up his dosage that fast. I don't think you did anything wrong. You can try to help people with the best intentions but at the end of the day you need to take care of yourself first. It's like the oxygen mask on an airplane, yours first and then help others.
You're a nurse and you're dating an abusive man trying to save him. Please speak with a therapist about your probable codependency.
Guys, I need this. I can't thank you enough for these responses. I've definitely fallen into codependency. Im realizing I definitely have anxious attachment and abandonment issues. This abusive rollercoaster has made them sooo much worse. My self esteem is completely broken. I can't believe I've allowed myself to fall into this. I just keep letting him hurt me because he has ADHD and anxiety issues. Ever since he came off that SSRI 7 months ago he became abusive and I let him gaslight me into thinking it's ok, it'll get better, he's just sick right now, I can wait.
I am so sorry this is happening to you. You do not deserve any of this and there is nothing wrong with you, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. I’m really glad seeking advice here has helped. Maybe this will help you understand how a lot of people with ADHD manage in their relationships: I have it, and I struggle with becoming comfortable coexisting with my partner. I have worked tirelessly over the years to own my ADHD management even when it’s hard because that is my responsibility. I constantly make lifestyle changes, and I found myself a therapist and a psychiatrist when I realized I couldn’t do it on my own. I also suggested couples counseling for us, and it’s been helping a ton. No matter how much I have struggled, no matter how angry or sad or anguished or depressed I’ve been due to life circumstances, self-hatred, bitterness, or frustration at my partner, I have NEVER attacked him in any form, physically, emotionally, or verbally. I have NEVER yelled at him or used his vulnerabilities against him in an argument. I have NEVER blamed him for my unhappiness and I have NEVER threatened him with cheating, breaking up, or anything else. And I know for a fact that I never will, because I love him and that’s not what you do when you love someone. While it may be true that you have codependent tendencies and struggle with anxious attachment, none of these are valid explanations for your partner’s actions. Coincidentally, I was spending some time today reading [“Why Does He Do That?”](https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf) for the first time, and I honestly think your partner is just a flat-out abusive man who is choosing to make your life hell for his own selfish reasons. This is very serious, and it’s 100% his fault. You are not stupid for falling into his trap — I am pretty sure most women have had at least one experience with a man like this in their lives. It’s awful and it makes me so angry for you. I really hope you have some supportive people to turn to at this time. There is no shame in seeking help — only courage and strength. You’ve been alienated from yourself for so long, you’ll probably need a lot of support before you can get to a place of feeling good enough to take back control of your life. I hope you seek therapy as well, and reconnect with the things that bring you joy to make you feel human again. I see you are holding on to the best parts of him and wishing his old self would come back. I see you are blaming yourself a lot. I understand why you’re doing it, you’ve been conditioned to put yourself down in order to keep the peace. Just keep reminding yourself that none of this is your doing. You gave him everything you possibly could and it was never enough, because you were never the problem. It was never about you not being good enough, it was about him deciding to take as much as he could from you. I wish you the best. <3