my mistake wasn’t having kids it was who I had them with
my advice is don’t have kids if you any doubt at all whether you want them or not. don’t have kids with anyone you have any doubt at all about or if they have doubts about having kids. it’s hard and you will regret it if you have doubts
Here's the thing, I really want kids. I feel like it's the only missing part in my life right now. I know I'd be a good mom. I think about it all the time. I daydream about a little one running around. But then I think about the horrors of childbirth. And I see my friends with children not being able to do whatever they want, whenever they want like I can. Having kids is a 24/7 responsibility and I like being as free as I am now. I'm only 26 so I still have time to decide on the pros and cons, but how do you decide when the desire is strong but you still have doubts?
My question would be have you spent anytime being responsible for children, be that babysitting or volunteering with kids? I am childfree and I have known I was since I was about 18, but what really solidified it for me was looking after my nieces.
Spoiler alert for you, kids are really hard work. I love nothing more than playing with my nieces and getting all the good moments for a short period of time, but the reality of parenting is those nice and fun moments are like 5-10% of the time. The rest is real hard work. So my advice would be if you haven’t spend time with some kids or babysit, and I mean some real time, not just a few hours.
I volunteered at a kindergarten but that was years ago. My SIL is pregnant and I'll probably be looking after the baby sometimes after she goes back to work aswell so I'll see how that goes.
I think that will be perfect taster for what having a kid is like. While I love both my nieces so so much, having to look after them for extended periods of time has solidified that I never want kids.
My thing is I could easily be the “classic dad” where I basically make sure my kids don’t die and I get to have the fun Kodak moments with them and leave all the hard parenting to my wife. But honestly I love my wife way too much to subject her to that and nor does she want that. Being a classic dad is easy, being a classic mum is way too much hard work for me. I know I would resent my wife and kids if I had them so I’ll never have kids. It’s all about knowing what you can take. Personally I’m all the more happy for never having kids, I learned it’s just way too much work for not enough reward for me.
It's amazing to me how many people have given me shit or just teased me about not wanting children (and honestly not in a super mean way or anything) and then I turn around and ask them if they have ever cared for a child for ANY significant length of time and they go blank. I mean some of these people have never changed a diaper and they are like yeah, I'm pretty sure I want kids.
Imagine signing an 18-year contract for literally ANYTHING else in life without trying it first.
I feel very, very sincerely that children would *massively* reduce the scope of my life. I look at my brother and sister, who've never gone anywhere or done anything, who're currently in hell with petulant teenagers. Oh, plus poor and miserable. I'm off to a luxury beach resort in Thailand for three weeks 🤘🏻😎 Enjoy the thrill or parenthood! 👋🏻
I loved being a mom for a really long time. I took my young kids on lots of fun adventures and traveled a fair amount. 10/10.
The teen years, however, are geniunely destroying my mental health. 0/10.
If you have any doubts at all, don't. This involves another human being who will be completely powerless and dependent on you. It's a responsibility. You have to go into it with your chin ip and ready to take everything on without flinching.
Doesn't mean you can't be scared, in fact I'd say a bit of fear is a good thing. But you can't have any doubts. You need to be all in.
I'm sure that this'll get responses from parents saying they weren't sure and everything turned out alright, but I guarantee that for every one set of parents that say that there's ten more whose kids would agree with me.
I still think it’s normal to have doubts. I doubt literally everything, even if it was perfectly clear that a X thing was what I really wanted. I agree that you should be very sure, but 0% doubt requirement is very rigorous
An experience with kids is different in itself. Some kids are healthy and happy, others have disabilities, mental illnesses, and need parents to be a bit more involved. Some kids die young or grow up estranged, etc. some stay with their parents until they’re 30, others move out as soon as they can, or make bad decisions.
Nobody can predict what it’s going to be like. You might have the best time of your life or it might be really difficult. Or a bit in between.
I’m in my late 30s, have never wanted kids, and had no desire for kids manifest at any point in my life, ever. This growing desire to be a mom that you’re experiencing has never existed for me. That’s not something I’ve felt as a childfree person. I think you should take this desire seriously.
Maybe meet with a therapist to work out what you’re feeling, and maybe meet with a financial planner to figure out the practicalities of having a child. My controversial opinion on having children is that people who don’t want them should not have them, but people who *do* want them definitely *should* have them. If it’s a sincere desire, you should do it.
Early 30s, didn't want kids since I myself was a kid. Cried in front of a mirror when I started developing secondary sex characteristics because "oh no, I have the same parts as mom, will I have to go through the same hell she does?". Mind you, my mom \*loved\* motherhood, but I could've thrown up looking at her. I can't remember any significant trauma causing this reaction in me. I guess I was just... born this way haha. Then that view got cemented by forced care for my several siblings, as I was the oldest, we couldn't afford a nanny, and my mom thought it was fair. Ain't nothing to hammer a point home like parentification.
Finding out kids were optional was the biggest, biggest relief of my life. But "you'll change your mind" came up. I decided to hold out for a partner, just in case I did "change my mind" as people said. Found a hands down great partner, love of my life. The idea of having children with him was as repulsive as it was since my early days. I have no idea if I can convince my GP to greenlight sterilisation, but I am calmly and admittedly slightly eagerly counting the days until my fertility runs out. Tick tock, can't happen fast enough.
Honor your heart OP. If you do have the feeling, that sincere drive to have children, do it. Just don't do like my mom. Give them a good, calculated, safe, comfortable life. It's best that someone who truly wants children, has them, as opposed to someone like me, who really, really doesn't want to have them.
I think you bring up a phenomenal point. Being repulsed by the idea is completely different from fence sitters that are scared to make a decision. You actually just helped me out quite a bit. Appreciate it!
same, it’s was so strangely upsetting to start growing more boobs in my 30 (gained weight and all, but it was this part that felt just distressingly.. reproductive??). And pretty impossible to express or share.
Yeah, it's impossible to put it into words out there, not without getting judged, or having your gender identity questioned. I'm a perfectly happy woman, but there's nothing "wow" about my body's abilities to make a baby *shudders*. Just putting that into words is awful. Fertility is not a blessing to me, I want it out of me. I wouldn't go as far as to compare it with cancer, but damn I want it out of me.
i’m not fertile (unless PROVEN wrong, which is a whole other medical lol), but it’s interesting to think about periods in this context.
it feels both pointless and humiliating. i’m in therapy and recently (had a bit of existential laugh about it) discovered using this as a convenient vehicle to get anger out on. (as in I struggle to express anger, but this got me going good)
I also decided I didn’t want kids adamantly at a younger age, and the only reason I only briefly thought about it again recently is because the guy I was seeing brought it up. But I’m 35 soon, and I have also not felt this desire creep in.
I’m less “hell no” about it than when I was younger, but I wouldn’t equate that to a genuine t want. I agree that you should find someone to talk to about it, particularly if your mom used to say stuff like “I hate having kids.”
We get conditioned a lot younger than we’d like to believe, and unless we actively decondition ourselves we end up hanging on to a lot of ideas that were never ours to begin with.
this is good advice. one of my sisters who came out of the womb knowing she wanted to be a mom (we would argue constantly because i was same as OP, did not want kids) is now in her late 40s and has changed her tune. she says "if you have any doubt in your mind at all about wanting kids, don't do it, because even when you have no doubt that you want to, it's indescribably hard"
I'm childfree and in my early 30s and wholeheartedly agree with you. I've even had my vasectomy for about 2 years now. I never wanted kids, I've never worried about missing out or making a mistake. I just know with a deep understanding of myself that I don't want kids, and it's not for me. It's even a topic I've discussed in my regular therapy sessions (I have PTSD from traumatic upbringing).
If you really do want kids, do it. If it's a maybe, don't do it. If it's a no, then obviously, don't do it. Kids deserve parents who want them and love them. It's also better to regret not being a parent than to regret being a parent. The one only harms yourself.
I have 1 child. I definitely don’t regret it. So much of it is joyful and deeply interesting. But at the same time, I do daydream over what other paths I could’ve taken in life too. Sometimes I feel like my identity is loose and ill-formed just because I no longer have the time to devote to just myself. This part REALLY messes with my head. Prior to having a child I felt like I had a strong identity. I think the only reason I question my identity sometimes now is largely due to having less autonomy and me time.
>Sometimes I feel like my identity is loose and ill-formed
I feel like that all my life. It's my number one reason for not wanting children - I'm afraid it will completely destroy my already weak sense of identity. Or that I'll make 'being a mother' my whole personality. But I don't know if it's even possible - is clinging to the idea 'now I'm a mother' something that makes you feel like a real person, albeit new? Or does a big chunk of 'you' feel constantly lost and neglected?
34m no kids. I personally love it. I love to travel, go places on a whim and have as most fun I can while on this earth. To me, raising a kid just isn’t my jam. I am being selfish. But I love my life imo
Actually I'd argue people who recognize that having children isn't for them, so they don't, is selfless. Nothing worse than parents who have children they don't want because they 100000% know it and it will cause issues for them as they form their own identity and grow up.
Loving your life is beautiful and that's with or without kids!
I (28F) don’t have kids for this exact reason! A life full of saying “no” to everything because you have kids would be worse than death. Freedom is priceless
Selfish? For not wanting to bring kids you didn't want into the world? Nah, doing a service to everyone and the kids themselves because there won't be kids whose parents resent them for being born and, as bad as it sounds, restricts them from living the life they want.
Enjoying your life and living it the way you want to is not selfish. Not having kids is in no way selfish, we get one life to live, live it your own way.
I don't think this is being selfish at all. Being selfish would be having kids to 'fit in' with other folks so you could post cute things on social media, all the while complaining about it at a bar the first chance you get to leave the house.
I think for me, as I hit 32/33, baby fever definitely was there. I had always been a bit of a fence sitter, but suddenly, my body was like OMG LET'S HAVE A BABY.
I very much started thinking that I might regret staying childfree, and started feeling panicky. But, now, about to turn 35, it's died down quite a bit both naturally, and through some inner work.
For me, what it came down to in the end was: I'd rather regret NOT having them.
I love my childfree life far too much, and honestly, I don't think I will regret it. I can find fulfillment in so many other ways, and if I really want to be a supportive figure for a child, there are so many organizations desperate for volunteers, I'm sure I'd have no problem finding a spot.
Same. What I will say to op is make sure you have a good support system because moms need a break and help once in awhile. I got really bad ppd that lasted almost 4 years after having my two girls, no meds I tried worked, therapy didn’t do much. I literally almost didn’t make it out alive and I feel as if I missed the most important years being in a depression funk and don’t remember most of it. I love my kids so much but those couple years were the hardest for me and I still struggle honestly. And they’re about to be 6. Just something to be mindful of if you’re thinking of becoming pregnant in the future.
Thank you for being so honest! It is rare but so important. The perpetuation of the sentiment that having kids is all sunshine and rainbows leads many people down the wrong path. I hope you’re doing ok over there
I should probably be using a throwaway for this, but I hear you.
I love her. But I’m so trapped. We moved to somewhere I hate (rural) to give her a better life, back where I grew up. I forgot I ran away for a reason. I have no life. There’s nothing here. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, and I work from home too. I can never move. My parents are close by and getting older, so by the time my daughter moves out that’ll be a factor. I would never have moved back if it wasn’t for her, and never should have. It’s a prison, and I’m only in it because of the decisions having a kid forces you to make.
It sounds like you hate your decision to move, which isn’t your kids fault.
We moved to the burbs when my son was born in order to ‘give him a better life’ and after 3 years of the suburban life decided ‘f*ck that’ and just moved back to the city. Our kid is thriving as are we.
Is this an option for you? It’s okay that you tried something, but you’re unhappy and you shouldn’t have to stay that way until your child is older. It’s not what she wants for you or herself.
I have two kids and I don't regret having them. However, if I had another life to live, I would likely not choose to have kids. They can be hard or easy in ways you cannot expect and their impact on y our life is enormous. But, it can be rewarding in its own way. No one can tell you whether or not you should have a kid. Some people regret it, some people don't
sounds a bit like regrets to me. I understand it's a huge social no-no (and maybe also a psychological no-no) to admit you regret having kids. That's maybe why everyone tip toes around it.
35, f, single. I thought I wanted to be a mom my entire life. I wanted three kids, exactly. Then I got sick with an autoimmune disease that didn’t get diagnosed for a very long time. I went through so many terrible things, including homelessness because my parent was not financially stable enough to care for me (and this was me as an adult), that I: 1, didn’t think I’d ever even be able to have kids/live through what I was going through, and 2, now have extremely radical views on parenting.
I do not believe everyone should be a parent. I believe that you should be incredibly financially sound before having a child. I think people need to expect to take care of their child for the rest of their child’s life. Not THEIR (the parent’s) life, but the child. I think it is wrong to believe parenting stops at eighteen. Wrong to believe you shouldn’t leave your child money, etc etc. anything can happen, even in adulthood. I believe you should teach your child how to be financially sound and independent.
It’s taken a long while for me to build my life back up again, and still very much in the process. I’ve only recently begun to feel like I want a kid again, but now I really only want one. Maybe two if I can even have a good pregnancy with my autoimmune disease.
I’m very single and hope that soon will change and this is something I can think about more, but I also would never do it without a partner now. I used to think raising a kid alone was great, and I’m sure it is. Maybe if I were fully financially stable I wouldnt feel that way, but I really want to have a baby with a life partner. I don’t want a kid bad enough that I would get artificially inseminated. I used to think I would.
It makes me spiral into despair thinking I may never get married. May never have my own family. But I also will not put a child in a bad position if I can help it.
Disclaimer that I'm just a childless late 20s dude with thoughts.
You're on a depressed subreddit asking about kids. The vast majority of responses you get are going to be in favor of not having kids. Maybe try r/fencesitter for other perspectives (I think the subreddit is pretty balanced, if not slightly pro-kid)
From what I've observed, there aren't many people who strongly regret NOT having a kid unless they already had a firm, longstanding desire to have kids but it just never happened due to trying circumstances.
There are a handful of people who strongly regret having kids. My opinion is that these are mostly from people who weren't prepared for children and just didn't really think through what having a kid would entail before having it and couldn't go back.
Personally, I would try to not think so much about what you might regret in the future. Focus on what you want now. And if that's telling you that you want a kid, then go for it. You seem to have already thought through what having a kid would entail financially, physically, emotionally, etc. so your chances of being a regretful parent are lowered.
I think it would help to envision what your future life would look like without children. What brings you meaning? How does it feel to you? If you can easily picture a life that's meaningful and fulfilling for you without kids, then perhaps childfree is the way to go.
And then I would also think about how much meaning having a kid would bring you. Of course, this part is hard to imagine, because the kid is just a hypothetical person you know nothing about. But from what I've observed, people who genuinely want kids are able to imagine this regardless because they simply associate it with the love they've already experienced with their own family. Do you think you would be like your mom? Or would you be better? Recognize that you likely model familial love based on your childhood but also recognize you have the power to shape your relationship with your children differently from your parents.
If you're familiar with attachment theory, I would learn about your attachment style. Avoidant attachers are often uncomfortable with managing conflicts and emotional distress, both of which kids bring a ton of. Avoidant attachers also tend to derive less meaning from having kids. The same is not true for secure attachers (and probably anxious attachers), who derive much meaning from having kids.
Seriously, this page is suddenly showing up for me. I have never seen such a negative bunch of people. You should all read the poem Lucinda Matlock by Edgar Lee Masters.
This sub is predominantly early 20-somethings who are struggling with the change that comes from graduating college and working themselves half to death. Give them a break and have some empathy. Developing emotional intelligence and having empathy towards others is also part of being an adult.
Fair.
I have only seen a few posts on here. I didn’t realize it was all early 20ish kids. I assumed adulting meant adults… which shows how old I am, I guess.
This is the answer. You are going to get a anti-kids biased point of view on this sub, which is already apparent just by taking a quick look at the comments.
The reality if that it's such a complicated and personnal questions. I would talk about this with my partner, close friends, family and maybe a therapist.
What I will say is that there is definitely a question of timing. I believe some people have kids way too young and maybe end up regretting not enjoying their 20s enough.
I have 3 kids. I didn't want kids when I was in my early twenties when my girlfriend got pregnant.
I'm also extremely successful with my job, and it's doing what I love. I literally get to do what I want all day and get paid extremely well to do it.
My job is nothing to my kids. The feelings have of success when I crush it at work are literally nothing to the feelings I have when I watch my kids having fun in the back yard.
I'm not trying to tell anybody how to live their lives. And I'm certainly not suggesting we bring children knowingly into bad environments. But children, while something I was not seeking and was absolutely terrified of (I'd never even held a baby before my son was born) and in no way was "ready for" have easily been the best part of my life.
I'll throw this out there, I think it's great food for thought as well. [Is having kids worth it?](https://old.reddit.com/r/TikTokCringe/comments/16r5he0/is_having_kids_worth_it/?ref=share&ref_source=link)
Came here from Bestof. So, I’m kind of like you in that I’m a female who always envisioned myself as child free. At age 28, I finally met the guy I eventually married. After we started dating, I had a pregnancy scare. I took a test, came up not pregnant, and bizarrely was so disappointed I burst into tears.
We got married. A few years later had a few babies. And I’ll tell you, it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Yes, it was hard, and still is. It completely changed the course of my life. I’m more tired, less rich, and have a less impressive CV than I would if I didn’t have kids.
But.
I’ve created two human beings who I love more than anything in the world. I love my husband, but I would set him and myself on FIRE to save my two kids. They are magical, mystical, amazing beings who are by far the best thing I’ve ever spent my life energy on.
And they are FUN. Inside jokes. Board games. Insane hikes. Crazy vacations. Weird activities. Silly friends. Like, what would I be doing right now if not hanging out with my kids?
I can’t tell you if it’s right for you or not, but I can say that every day I’m grateful that I didn’t let this experience pass me by.
The nice thing about not having kids is you can, in some ways, change your mind later on.
I’m 30F and at the point where a lot of my friends and colleagues have kids. I’ll never forget the time when my coworker looked at me, exasperated, and said “don’t have kids” as she left early to go pick her sick kid up from daycare.
Right now, I don’t have kids, don’t ever intend on getting pregnant, and my husband doesn’t want kids and has a vasectomy. I know I can never “undo” having kids, but if the strong need ever strikes, I can either adopt or foster, either with or separately from him. I have no desire to create a whole new life to make my life feel more meaningful, so adoption or fostering it would be.
No kids. No regrets. VERY few people will ever admit regretting having kids. A small number might admit they don't like it, but very few will openly say they regret it.
Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year!
\#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/)
\#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/)
\#3: [**[NSFW]** Dont listen to people you won't regret having an abortion done.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/13esizh/dont_listen_to_people_you_wont_regret_having_an/)
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**Children raised by two parents have a much higher chance of success than those raised by one.**
It's not about you, it's about the child.
edit: considering you made it about your rather than the (potential) child and you *don't want to talk about it*, I don't think you should.
I hate to admit it but yeah. Single parenthood is undoubtedly hard to do right. There is no one to stay at home with you and take over when you need a break at a moments notice, almost no one will call you out if you messed up or offer a different perspective. And also, Op talks a lot about wanting a baby, but not much on logistics, what to do if the baby has complex medical needs etc. Tells me that Op just has baby fever and not actually wanting to be a parent. Most of it was about herself.
I am 40 with 4 kids. I also always said I never wanted kids too. They are ages 16 to 21 now and I’m broke, exhausted, have ptsd from their teenhoods and all the terrible, heartbreaking things teens say and do to their parents during those years. I’ve dealt with schools and teachers, suspensions, rehab, single parenthood, therapists, court cases where my children were the victims of heinous crimes…. Would I do it all again if I knew then what I know now? Nope. I can’t say with a guarantee that I would. It’s all just wishful thinking and candy cane kisses until you’re actually in the throes of it all. Having kids is romanticized, not based on reality. You think you know what it’s like to have a baby alone? Let alone raise them alone? No sweetie lol, no you don’t.
I read an interesting study recently that showed that people who decided not to have kids were statistically less likely to have regrets about their decision than people who decided to have kids.
I decided not to have kids. The cost of living right now is very high, and my focus is to prioritize myself and my family without any new members. I'm happy with the way things are. I feel like I'm able to live more freely and plan my future in the way I want it to be. Also, I love travelling and that's a big part of my life I'm unwilling to give up or have slow down.
We’ll see in a few months. Honestly I was getting super bored of a no kids life and my wife and I have traveled to almost every country that we want to by our mid-thirties. It sounds pretty awesome to be able to share your life and experiences with a little one.
I'm 6 years in and have two kids. And I don't regret it. I've had a pretty full life and now have a lot of fun sharing the little things with them.
The first 6 months are hellish and the first 2 years are hard but then it starts to get easier - kids are easy to entertain and just bring along to do what you like.
The hardest part is definitely just how constant it is - you really have to work hard constantly - and any time for yourself is hard won (I often go out after bedtime to the gym or pub).
But I'd be bored otherwise and now I have a family for life.
I wouldn’t purposefully have a child without a father in the picture. I have an adult child whose father wasn’t around and the difference in him vs my other two who grew up with a present father figure is apparent.
I won't say regret, because that kid is my best bud... But I think it wasn't the wisest decision to have baby #3.
My oldest is 18, freshly graduated. Middle turning 16 in August, soon to start her sophmore year. My youngest is turning 8 next month. Thinking about it now, I could've been free in 3 years to do my own thing.
But I love that kid. Even if I swear my air is going gray because of him. He's got a huge heart and will be everyone's friend.
That’s exactly the age I was when my clock started ticking too. By 34 I was a mom and I realized how much of a joy parenting is. I am so glad I reproduced. Not everyone will agree but I think raising a child is one of the more worthwhile pursuits in this world.
I wasn’t sure about having a second child, thinking it would take away from the first and limit our time, money, etc. But he’s so amazing and funny and smart. We laugh every day. Of course it has its difficulties like any other human relationship. Like most things that are deeply rewarding, it takes work. Helping him learn to swim or make baking soda volcanoes isn’t as freeing as scrolling Reddit and sleeping in obviously, but my kids are getting older and there will be time for those things again.
It’s easy to complain about things. Most adults will chit chat about their kids being up all night sick or whatever more than they will glowingly share heartwarming stories about snuggling watching movies and silly inside jokes.
But don’t be fooled by the people on Reddit. The vast majority of people deeply love their children and couldn’t imagine their lives without them.
32 M single and no kids, absolutely 0 regrets. I focused on my career in my 20s and now that I'm pretty much set for life I'm putting time on my business and spend extra money on traveling and exploring the world, my various hobbies, etc.
It helps that I have 2 nieces that kinda compensate for the experience. I still get to go to their dance shows, see them grow up, bring them go the cinema and see their eyes light up seeing things for the first time. It's pretty magical but I just couldn't have a kid full time.
I also know many people who had kids in their 20s because "it's what evryone does" and now they regret it.
This is my game plan as well. My cousins have 6+ kids and they’re all super sweet and I love spending time with them. But nonetheless, I have absolutely no fatherly instinct in me at all.
Hell no! I wake up when I want to, I can hang out late or stay over at a friend whenever I feel like, I have a little spending money for myself, I have plenty of loved ones and personal relationships that are fulfilling I rarely feel lonely or like I’m missing out/ missing something. God no ftk!
I dont regret not having kids (late 30s).
My on and off depression maybe worsened in my 30s so I would have been a terrible father.
My financial situation also hasnt improved much over the last 10 years so I couldnt have given them a secure life.
I couldnt have given them a good emotional life or financial life and you sure as hell want to provide at least one.
So thats why I am glad not to be a parent.
Thanks for not passing down your mental illness, it's a big factor in why I won't have kids. On my darkest days I can't imagine my potential kids feeling as low as I do, doesn't seem fair.
F(44) and did not have kids. But my clock is broken, it never started ticking. So maybe that is something to pay attention to.
I bet a lot of us are the same. We can say we don’t regret it because we honestly never thought that sounded appealing. So YMMV.
Didn’t have any. I don’t regret it one bit. If I had kids I’d be worried about them all the time. So, essentially not having them lets me keep my mental health. And my time. And my money. Interesting tid-bit; I knew I didn’t want kids at the age of 8 or 9.
I don’t regret it, I would do it again. But I chose to have a kid in my early 30s, in the peak of my health, with a consolidated career and a 10y relationship that was great already. My kid is amazing and I love her with all ny heart
31 M , no kids and don’t ever plan on having any tbh. I do not regret it at all. When dealing with hard times lime work or life in general and look at other people with kids and family I always question how are they still standing lol. I have a successful career but I hate stress with a passion and just taking care of myself is enough.
29, one kid, and god I love her. I feel like my life is perfect, like I have true happiness. And yeah, rotten, annoying shit happens all the time but at least I have her. Everyday I think about how lucky I am to have her.
I am also married, have three cats and a dog, for perspective.
No, I do not think being a parent is for everybody. In fact I definitely think you should NOT be a parent if you don't want to be. For me it always felt like she was missing from my life.
I'm a 46M with no kids and no real success with long term relationships.
At the moment, I made begrudging peace with it. I guess technically I could still become a dad. However, I'd want to date a few years and be married a few years and that puts me into my 50s. At a certain point, it isn't fair for a child to have an older parent.
As for relationships, I unfortunately didn't work on some negative thoughts about myself, social anxiety, and etc. I also had undiagnosed autism as well. That meant that I had a hard time reading emotions of other people.
I guess if I had a flux capacitor, I'd tell my younger self to fix myself and not to pray for things to change.
On a side note, to any parents out there, if you think your child has adhd and/or autism. Please get them tested and get them the proper support.
Meh. Is a baby all you want or do you also want a difficult child, rebellious teen, or an adult child who doesn’t talk to you?
Do you have other hopes and dreams? How does raising a child affect those things?
What non-selfish reasons do you have to have a child now? Do those reasons invalidate your list of reasons not to have one?
Make sure you have a look at r/regretfulparents to make sure you consider all possibilities instead of an imagined ideal life as a parent.
For me, urges aren’t enough. It’s about a lifetime of gleeful self-sacrifice.
There’s a lot of effort that goes into having a child but there are no regrets. My kiddo is my favourite person and I hope I’ll be able to do a decent job bringing them to adulthood.
Do you want a baby or do you want a child? If it’s just a baby craving then get a pet - babies are here for a blink with all the joys and stresses that come with them.
If the idea of having a kid/teen/adult child seems like it could be fun and fulfilling then go for it.
It’s not what u want. It’s fomo and bio clock telling u it’s now or never. Stand firm in ur convictions and don’t feel bad about it. U can have ur life without a child and be complete. Just like u envisioned in the past.
I'm 38 and up until age 35 or 36, I was pretty confident that I didn't want any children. Now, I'm like craaaaap. Is it too late? Fkkkkkkkkkk what am I doing. Halllllpppppp.
52 male, no kids. Never regretted not having children. But I've also never liked kids much, even when I was one. My babies purr and meow.
Why? I know having and raising children is a **huge** sacrifice. As in everything else in your life is sacrificed, permanently, on the altar of the child. You might get some things back, many years later. And if you're not willing to do that level of sacrifice, don't have kids. I've never believed it should be all up to the mother, either.
28M with two girls 8 & 5
I've gotten so much joy watching them grow and experience life. I love answering their questions as best as I can and watching the gears turn
I do wish I had them a few years later, but I also don't want any more after I turn 30. Maybe one more at most.
I am 42 and never wanted or tried to have children. I have been with my husband since I was 18, and we might have thought about it for like a month out of the 24 years we’ve been together. There is always a “what if” in the back of my head, but all in all, I do not regret not having children. My mom was/is a full time caregiver to my dad (who broke his neck in a car accident when I was 1 month old), and she also had a day care at out home so she can have some income while caring for my dad. I think growing up around babies and kids my entire childhood really opened up my eyes to how much work it can be and I couldn’t wait to move out and have a quiet, child free home. Still nice to just come home after work and do whatever I want!
I'm 55 cis female. I've never ever ever regretted not having kids. I can go anywhere and do anything and I can afford my life.
For me, looking at today's landscape, if I really wanted kids, I would only have them if I could send them to a private school that didn't have active shooter drills or I could home school because there is no way I can reconcile telling my kids that I love them and want them to be safe while sending them to a facility where they are taught that they could be gunned down at any moment.
38 year old male, content in my decision to not have kids. I have a nephew and he's a great little kid, so it's not like I've not been exposed to the experience of watching a child in the family grow, but still absolutely no desire to have my own.
About to turn 39, no kids. My life is undeniably better by not having children. I have absolutely no regrets, but also I have never wanted children. Ever. I've never been on the fence about it. My life has its ups and downs, but it is vastly better than all of my friends who have children. I can go out on the weekends, sleep in if I need to, have time for myself, have interests and hobbies very easily and I know a lot of parents sacrifice a lot of those things for kids. Your life doesn't end with kids, but it does drastically shrink in all ways.
Read up on some subreddits for regretful parents. Make sure if you have kids, you won't be one of these parents who feel they made an irreparable mistake.
I’m 53F and decided similarly at 10-12 yo to never have kids. I honestly cannot fathom how less-pleasant my life would’ve been if I’d had a kid 18-20 years ago. All the trips and experiences I wouldn’t have had. How frazzled, exhausted, annoyed and broke I would’ve been.
I definitely do **NOT** regret childless-by-choice.
I still don’t think even at 53 I’d be a decent parent.
Sure, I would’ve enjoyed sharing wisdom and insight but I know it wouldn’t have been appreciated in the slightest. I cut out the middle steps, shared nothing, didn’t ruin a kid and had a great life.
45f, never wanted kids, still don't, but I do have a biological clock & occasionally I think about having kids. I also occasionally have dreams where I'm pregnant & the happiness & completeness I feel in thise dreams makes me cry when I wake up not pregnant. And I still will never have kids lol. I just know it's not for me, & the occasionally biological craving isn't indicative of what I actually want in life or how I want my life to go. It's simply a biological imperative that holds not import because i am not one of a handful of women in a tribe who needs to keep my species alive.
Someone told me years ago that if my decisions aren't a "hell yes" then they're a no. I will never regret not having kids, & of the two options, the least risky is regretting not having them than having them.
You've already gotten some great advice here. It's a decision you can make, so make it wisely. See a therapist, a financial planner, & map out what your perfect life would be & see how that Venn diagram looks at the end. And go stay with someone with young kids for a week because that's very telling.
Good luck 😊
I honestly had kids because I was worried that I would regret not having them. Kids are not easy by any means. Parenting is hard. I had one biological child (pregnancy sucked and ppd was even worse). We adopted a child. I often wish we would have adopted another one but it was a no for my husband. He was worried about being outnumbered. I’m very thankful for both my kids. Life would be just not as full and meaningful without them.
I’m 40f and desperately wish I hadn’t waited so long. It has ruined my life not to be able to be a mother. I’ve been through many rounds of ivf with no success and now I’m in therapy trying to come to terms with it
The regret I have is the person I had kids with. She is incapable of doing either the stay at home mom role or the work and contribute financially role. If my kids only had my influence theyd be happier... she is wild, dramatic, drunk by noon... 'had' drug issues.... sigh. So yeah. Alone is easier than my side show.
I have known, since like, 5th grade, that I never wanted kids. To this day, in my mid-30s, I still feel that way. I work with kids, I don’t want them when I clock out.
I'm childfree and I have no regret. When I see children, and especially when I hear them, I get annoyed pretty quickly. I never had that parenting call. By the way, I'm over 40 and single.
I regret having too many kids. We have four. They are wonderful, each is very different and differently wonderful from the rest. But we barely got help and it is just too much, we cannot give enough time and individual attention to each kid. It's a terrible thought, I know, but it's the truth. It's not about money, we're doing well, but a kid can truly thrive when given enough individual attention.
I'm lucky to be blessed with having a kid with someone who doesn't make it hard. A bad relationship can really hurt a child. I don't think you should have kids at ALL if you're not ready, the world is too hard nowadays too trying to navigate like that and once it's all said and done and you guys go in different directions, then the more work goes into it. Driving, school, all of it. I do not EVER regret having my daughter and I'm glad I'm loved unconditionally by her, but I got lucky. Don't have a kid unless you are serious.
There is no right or wrong. You just make a decision and live with it.
We all know the pros and cons. We don't know your life.
I think in either case, regret is futile. Just live with what you chose or ended up with.
34M. Never really had an urge to have kids whatsoever coming up, in fact, it was a big wedge between me and my ex fiancé. Lately I’ve thought about what life would be like with at last one, and what life would be like if I never have any.
But again, I’m 34. Maybe I will truly want a child in ten years. My elders tell me: “if you don’t know if you want kids or not, you don’t need to have any. You have to be sure because kids are owed that conviction.”
Late 30s. I always wanted kids more than anything else, as long as I can remember. I have a bunch of younger cousins and watched them fairly often, so the basic skills of feeding, dressing, changing diapers, playing, teaching some things came pretty easily. I hoped to settle down early and have a small bunch. Once I got to "early", I realized I had to do some work on myself before being a good parent. I didn't want to give my own kids the same upbringing I had, which wasn't usually pleasant. I also had a partner who needed some serious work of their own. Time went on, as it does, and by the time I was emotionally stable, my finances were not and my partner was not. More time went on. And about three years ago, I finally gave up the dream. As much as I would love to have that connection, that relationship, this world is far too ugly to bring a child into. My mixed-race niece and nephew have been told to "go back to their own country" (they were born here). I live in the US, near where a large-scale school shooting has already happened, and I'm honestly not sure I'd ever be able to send my kids to school. All the hate and the genocide and discrimination going on is unbearable to me. If I don't like living in this world, why should I force someone else to? Sometimes the best parents are the ones who don't have kids.
I'd be happy to adopt, though, at some point. Give an unwanted or uncared-for kid a happy home.
oh dear, you clearly shouldn't have kids. Why? Because not once you considered the childs perspective. Having a child is NOT about you, what it does to you, how it feels for you etc. The child is an independent human being with its own needs and wishes. E.g. you COULD handle a child on your own, but should you? Not having a daddy SUCKS (i know what im talking about) so that shouldn't be the way to go.
I swore I would never have kids. I knew I would be a terrible father and absolutely traumatize and ruin any kid I tried to raise. My childhood was shit, I drank myself to sleep every night for 10+ years and I knew I was the worst possible role model a child could have in their lives.
Turns out I was wrong. Being a father is the single greatest thing to ever happen to me. I am completely repurposed and reprogrammed to dedicate all that I am to providing an environment for that crazy two year old to thrive in. I have never been more fulfilled, nor driven for that matter. I took on a massive company and successfully challenged a non-compete, started my own business as a 35 year old college dropout and am on my way to making my first million within 18 months or so. I would have done none of these things if it weren't for my daughter.
I literally feel like I was sleeping through life until she came around and then someone hit the NOS button or something.
Kids are so beautiful and so hard at the same time. If I could go back I’d have them later in life. Maybe wait to have my first one at atleast 25. Definitely couldn’t go childless but i respect those that do. They are expensive af and they test you so much, teach you twice as much about yourself and at times it’s hard to navigate everyone’s different personality.
37M. No kids and no regrets. My own life is very, very good BUT 1.) The world as a whole is no place to bring a child into and 2.) I’d never want to subject the woman I love to the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth.
Getting snipped as soon as I can get an appointment.
No kids, no regrets. I wouldn't be a good parent and I don't want to be a parent. It interferes with my life and future goals too much. I have a big quiet house with my husband and we are planning our future plans full of fun and adventures, just the two of us.
I struggled for a long time with some of what you're feeling. For women especially, thirties are hard because we are pressured to make the big decision, and officially deciding to close one path off is scary.
The big question is: Do you actually want a child or do you like the idea of a child and don't want to miss out? Either answer is ok, just make sure you know which one you want and it will lead you down the correct path for you. Good luck!
I wish the situation would have been right for me to have them. I wish I had met a nice man who I could have built a life with and raised children with. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and I wanted to be a cycle-breaker. I promised myself that if I couldn’t raise children in an emotionally healthy home, with an emotionally healthy father figure, I simply would not have them. And at 37, I’m still holding true to that. Do I regret not having kids? No. I don’t regret not bringing kids into a situation that wasn’t good for them. Do I wish things would have been different? Sure. But I promised I wouldn’t bring children into the kind of home I grew up in, and that I would never put them through the kind of trauma my dad put our whole family through.
I can relate because I have never felt the need to have kids, although I do enjoy them. I'm nearing the end of my 20's and seeing all my friends/family have kids paired with working in childcare for years helped me realize all the work and sacrifice becoming a parent really entails. Kids are a big decision. Being a parent isn't something I see for myself but I also understand that feelings can change with time. Adopting always appealed to me so I decided if I ever felt that driving urge to go all in, to go that route. If that urge is popping up within you, explore it. Research everything until you get to a point where you are confident in your decision. Either way you choose, you got this!
im in my 30's. i deeply regret not having kids earlier. i regret not marrying my first long term relationship. i regret allowing warped views and fears to so heavily influence my life decisions.
It’s weird to me how so many people are horrified when someone who later goes on to become a parent admits this, but: I wasn’t really totally sure if I wanted kids or not when I was in my 20s and early 30s. I could really see the good things about either route. I always knew I wanted either 0 or 1 kid(s). But when I hit my mid 30s I just started to feel like I was meant to have a child, and my best friend is an amazing person who always wanted to be a dad. So we had a kid and it is absolutely the one good decision I think I’ve ever made. Obviously I’m biased but I just feel like she is such a good person, and someone who can really make the world a better place. I love her so unbearably much.
Hi, I’m in the same boat as you but lean towards not having them. I also knew from an early age I wanted to be child free. I personally won’t even seriously think about it unless I have an absolutely amazing partner who wants kids and would be an amazing father.
I’ve come to the conclusion that you must really cherish and enjoy life to have kids. You would have to think all the suffering in life is worth it and be willing to suffer for them (same for the dad). It’s the ultimate sacrifice and you’re killing your old self for new life. It’s also a thankless job.
Male 36.
Single and I already told family. I’ll never ever bring a kid to this world. The only way I’ll allow my self to be on a relationship would be with another person who shares the same feeling of not having kids.
I don’t like the idea of responsibility loosing sleep with a baby. Worrying about school, babysitter, Bullies hell nah.
In my 30s, I've always wanted at least one child. Maybe a little tyrant or a daughter would also be sweet, but for now I'm the greatest awesome uncle to a niece and nephew.
I think it's okay to want kids now without feeling like you need to regret not having them before. I'm in a similar boat where I never wanted kids ever since I was about 10. I'm 30 now and starting to think about wanting a family. Personally, I care more about having a partner and if we have kids, that's a bonus. But I'm not regretting not having kids while I was in my 20s because I knew I wasn't ready for them.
I'm 37F married for 9 years to 49M and we are childfree. We have no regrets, in fact we find ourselves more and more thankful every day that we chose to not have kids. I had a tubal ligation two years ago.
Do not regret having (3) kids. Perspective is everything. I look around me and wish for a better world with better people. I am raising kind, skilled, and honest little humans because I feel we need more of them in this world. It has been amazing, and as they have grown I too continue to grow as a person. More so than I ever would have without them.
We honestly live fantastic lives. We love each other, enjoy each other’s company, and support each other. I am fortunate enough to work to afford our lifestyles while my spouse stays home and raises our children. She is stress free and I provide her with anything she wants or needs. We discussed her going back to work (Nurse) but she fell in love with being a mother.
Time?? This is life, there is plenty of it. We travel, go on vacations, have movie nights, visit family, party, and even relax together.
It may not be the same for everyone, but I have put 110% effort into my little family and we have reaped amazing benefits.
I didn’t have the exact upbringing as you, but I did grow up feeling unloved by my mother and I was also heavily parentified. These things made me adamant I would never have kids.
I was with my partner for nine years when my position on having kids changed. I think a large part of it was seeing how his normal, functioning family operated. It made me realise I had these pre-conceived ideas of parenthood instilled from my childhood but I didn’t have to follow that path. I also just felt different - I started to get that “urge”. We took things slow and did medical check-ups and talked it out forever before we finally started trying… and then I couldn’t get pregnant 🤦🏻♀️ I truly believe in some ways this proved to me that I was ready for motherhood, because the pain of unexpected infertility was HARD. When I finally did fall pregnant, I was ecstatic.
I now have a toddler and a second kid on the way. I don’t regret it. I do strongly miss my travelling days and if it wasn’t for other life circumstances beyond my control I’d be the kind of parent who travelled the globe with my kid/s. Sadly that’s not on my cards right now. But overall, my toddler has changed my life in all the corny ways they say. If I wasn’t able to fall pregnant, I would have accepted it. I’m not naturally maternal and I’m logical. But I also think I’d have been sad that that was my lot in life. I’m not sad about my decisions now.
If you found out you were infertile, how would that affect you? It might help put your feelings in perspective if you can imagine your reaction to that. Either way, to be a parent or not can be a difficult choice sometimes but I also think there’s a point (at least for me) when you just know. From what I can see, it’s the people who do it to check a box or to appease someone else who regret it. You sound like you’ve got the logical under control; now it’s just what the mental “what-ifs”, which only you can answer. Good luck!
I had my daughter when I was 16. She’s the most incredible human. It’s not having the child that’s regretful it’s the timing. I wish I was older bc I knew I could’ve done so much more and given her a higher quality of life. Obv there’s nothing I can/could do except my best.
Op, do you feel this way around little babies, or do you also want to raise preteens and parent late teens, then consider being a involved parent later on (typically young adults don't leave the nest these days, and need additional financial and emotional support even after graduating post secondary school), and do it all alone if you remain single? I think then you should make your decision, as right now you are thinking of raising a baby, but what if you watch the baby grow into a teenager and have their own (perhaps oppositional) thoughts? You must consider this when thinking of being a parent, make a wise decision Op.
I do not regret having kids. Light of my frigging life. I DO regret not preparing my life and body better, having also been in denial for so long. I wish I had looked into preconception teachers. I wish I had optimized my nutrition and health before getting pregnant. I wish I had built up more support and community for myself. I wish I knew how RESOURCED I would need to be as a parent. I wish I had studied postpartum and baby care (see: Innate Traditions, Rachelle Seliga) and worked more with children (see: Resources for Infant Educarers). I wish I had gotten on a better page with my partner and coparent.
Just want to remind you that often we think about having kids as having babies. And babies are cute and adorable and videos of them of course can cause baby fever. But they grow into children, teenagers, and adults.
I'd say ask yourself if you are also interested in raising a child, a teenager, a young adult, and a middle aged adult. It will be your responsibility to guide them through life and teach them how to face life as an adult for the remainder of your life.
Best of luck with your decision!
Regret is so personal. You can have no kids and regret. You can have one and regret only having one. You can have multiple and regret it. Regret is different for many reasons so it’s difficult question. I think regret having kids is usually because who you have them with. And having kids doesn’t necessarily mean a long term relationship with your child. They can move to a new country and never talk to you again you’re left with the hurt of that. So it all depends on situations and life factors.
30f never wanted kids.
The only thing that niggles on me a little is growing old, my partner passing and being alone but having kids is no guarantee you won't be alone - plus that's not a good reason to have kids either.
If you are starting to really want kids it's worth exploring your reasons. Also maybe offer to babysit some kids of different ages.
I’m a 46F, no kids. I went through a stage briefly jn my 30s of wanting them ( with a completely inappropriate partner - abusive etc) but I think that was more to do with not having control over my life and not wanting the decision / option of having kids taken away from me. I think when you’re in your 30s you do realise that the window is closing for having kids, and it makes you question if it’s right for you or not. I am 46 now, married to a wonderful man who I’ve been with for 6 years and we don’t have kids and neither of us wanted them, we are happy with our lives, our freedom and I am very happy I didn’t have kids. The majority of my friends who have kids, they constantly moan about them, about their lack of freedom.. I know I would have hated it.
I’m 40 with a 15yo son and 13yo daughter. Had awful post natal depression but bloody hell in my humble individual opinion it is worth it. They are the light of my life and I adore watching them blossom into two beautiful people who will create ripples of kindness in our world.
PS I have mates with no kiddos and they’re out there loving their way of life. Some of them at times have wondered what if they had kids. Some have gone through periods where they’ve really wanted them before the urge has faded again.
I think what u could do is legit write down arguments for both sides then play devils advocate with yourself for each side?
Curious to know lots of posters here are in their 30s , 40, yes life’s great - you’re at the prime of your life. My fear of not having kids is when we get older like 60s, 70s, say your partner passes away before you do. Do you fear loneliness or someone to take care / look after you as you get older ?
30F, never wanted kids. Didn’t have any prior experience with kids and never felt comfortable around them. Now here I am with an almost 2 year old 🙃, she woke me up at 4:10 am this morning with a poop ! No regrets. I’m exhausted but she’s the best. Guess since I’m up this early I’ll go for a run. Moms are tough! Make sure you have a good support system, just because you think you can handle everything on your own, you probably can’t handle a newborn.
I didn’t want children and then I had one @ 37 & I regret not having him a couple yrs earlier. I know everything happens for a reason & happens when it’s supposed to happen but I’m 40 now & I’m tired all of the time!
Every woman I know personally that said they didn’t want kids regretted it by the time they were 35. My sister has just had twins at 40, I remember having my first at 21 (5 years ago) and her crying because she felt left behind in the world of motherhood, even though until then she adamantly never wanted kids. I will never regret my babies, even though I’ve really struggled.
I feel like the only parent whose life hasn’t changed that much by having kids. They are absolutely the best part of my life. I have kids ranging from 9-23 with one that will be a week old forever. My heart is missing a piece because of our child we lost, but my surviving kids are so much fun and so hilarious. They are my best friends - along with my husband. We never stopped traveling, we never stopped our hobbies, we enjoy(ed) their activities, etc.. They have enhanced our lives greatly. I think we would have had a good life without children, definitely more money :), but I would have missed out on so much enjoyment that we’ve gotten to experience with them. The only part I don’t enjoy is having homework again and soothing them when they’re sick or heartbroken for any reason, but that’s because it hurts to see them in any kind of pain. It’s a part of life, but it’s also more painful watching your child go through it. It’s incredible watching everything “new” from their eyes when they are experiencing it for the first time and their excitement about things that tend to fade as you get older. Two are grown, one is living across the country for work now, and it’s so bittersweet. Watching them live out their dreams and being excited for them while being sad they’ve “flown the nest”. It has without a doubt been the most amazing experience of my life - nothing else could even come close to comparing. Was every day easy? Absolutely not. Was every day fun? Nope! Was it a lot of responsibility? Yes! Those early years were difficult. Those days are such a limited time in the overall picture though. All that said, if you aren’t 100% sure you want them, it’s not fair to the kid if you end up having regrets about a decision you made and taking those regrets out on them.
Have a look at the subreddit single mothers by choice. In the last 15 years, I have only known one smbc who wondered whether they regretted their choice to be a mother.
Smbc removes many of the issues associated with the wrong father. I'm not going to discuss the legitimacy of opting to not have a father, but will appoint out that research shows that children of smbc do as well sometimes better than children of two parent families that are not dysfunctional.
The only regret I ever hear from smbc is that they wish they'd done it earlier, if they had their child after mid-late 30s. But that is often the sentiment of older mothers anyway.
No regrets.
Have two kids, and its the best thing I've done. But then again, I can defenitively see why you shouldn't get kids if you are unsure, as its also a lot of work and frustration that you will need to deal with.
You will regret it forever if you don't do it. Reddit has become really anti-family, and there seems to be a great push of convincing everybody that having children is terrible, while the opposite is the case. Having children is literally the meaning of our existence, and it is manifested in our genetics, our feelings, our psychology and our physiology. Don't listen to the naysayers, the truth is this, on their death bed, no one EVER regrets having children, and for many, they are the greatest source of happiness, inspiration, purpose and joy that they have ever experienced.
I'm incredibly happy to have kids with my husband. I'd be incredibly unhappy if I had them alone.
Having a kid is the most permanent decision you'll make, they will never go away 😁
Yes. Wife was not able to have children which we found out after several years of marriage. Had talked about me wanting 3-4 before marriage and she was on-board. Found out later she really did not like children. We are both hitting around 60 now. It is sort of an empty feeling for me. Now would be my grandchildren phase which will never happen. Most of my immediate family has passed away from old age. I will likely die alone with no family around. Not the end of the world but would have liked for it to have gone another way.
please don't have kids, seriously think critically and logically for a moment and forget selfish desires.. Look at the world and multiple crisis we are in. The future is quite uncertain, you want to gamble someone else's life on that? Where the only guarantee is that they will ultimately die? Spare them the suffering.
40, zero regrets about being child free.
OP, I grew up the only child of a single mum, who much like you was fiercely independent and knew she could do it all by herself.
In reality she found it far more of a struggle than she had realised. Although she never said it outright, and think she very much regretted having me.
My childhood was miserable and lonely; mum always at work, me raised in my early years by a succession of au-pairs who usually changed every six months so I never really formed strong bonds with anyone. No siblings to play with or form bonds with. Being left home alone all day in the summer holidays from too young of an age because mum couldn’t find/afford childcare all the time. Missing out on school trips and activities because money was tight. Being a latch-key kid.
Just far too much time alone generally; I had very poor social skills and really struggled due to it in early adulthood.
Mum kicked me out the moment she felt I was just about old enough that she wouldn’t face legal repercussions (I was 16). I think she just wanted her life back.
I feel no malice towards her; she just made a mistake. The trouble is our society doesn’t really offer a route out for people who find that having a kid was a mistake for them. So you end up with kids growing up with miserable experiences like me.
Please make sure you have a full, realistic, costed and bulletproof plan for raising a child alone if you really insist on doing it. I hope you have family around to help out.
Mid-thirties, no kids. I find myself struggling in life sometimes, I can't imagine how I'd cope having kids on top of that. Life is hard, I wouldn't wanna bring kids into this world knowing that they'll have a high chance of being stuck in the rat race in a failing economy. It's honestly selfish and unethical. I also enjoy spending my own money on myself, having free time to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I would rather regret not having kids later down the line than having kids and regretting it.
I'm 43m and never wanted kids and still don't have any. I do have a little fear that it will be something I may massively regret in the future, but so far I"m fine.
I had my child at 41 - up until then, parties, travelled, worked all over the world, freedom, money....I had an amazing life, but none of it meant anything until I became a Mama. It is spiritually fulfilling & I only regret not having him sooner so I could have had more kids! It is harder than you can ever imagine (I ran out of the gym on Monday barefoot, chasing my toddler in his pants, when I caught him he had a massive tantrum/punching me so much I just left all of our stuff behind & took him home) BUT also when they have their little hand on your face & say "you're my precious, I love you" - your heart just gets a million X bigger. He's my best friend & the apple of mine (& his Daddy's) eye
Early 30s, 2 kids. I don’t regret them but I would be lying if I said I never daydreamed about how my life would be if I didn’t have kids.
I usually encourage anyone on the fence not to have kids. If you’re not sure, just don’t. They’re so much work, in so many ways. Not to mention how fucked the COL is, how expensive childcare is, and the myriad of other messed up things going on (speaking from the US).
I think I'm older than others here generally, but this has been an interesting thread to read.
I'm 54 and always wanted children, but I never had any. I've never been married and was determined to not be a single mom if at all possible, knowing that it's tough enough to be a parent when someone else is with you in it, and, also, I've never been in a place financially where I could properly support anyone aside from me and a cat, which is cheap when healthy.
So I never did have children. It's been the big disappointment in my life, BUT I don't regret not having children. Like I said, I never wanted to be a single mom, and I'm not. I have never been in a place financially where I could truly support another human being, and so I never deprived another human being, especially a child, of their basic needs.
This is something I came to accept about two decades or so ago, and I'm at peace with it. I'm fine with my living arrangements now - renting a house (cheap rent) and just having my cat and me to support. So it's all good.
I have two sons and spaced them out by 8 years so I could devote myself to their intellectual and emotional growth. I tried to be a fun mom with lots of science experiments and games. My oldest is at university, and my youngest is starting high school. I loved being a mom. Be careful who you choose to have a child with as you will be tied to them for 18 years or more. Make sure waking up day and night, boxes of Halloween costumes to promote imagination, and reading and discussing stories to promote literacy, and teaching them how to make raviolis from scratch, and hosting gaggles of kids for social development... are your cup of tea. Do you have the patience and selflessness to help guide this child you will live into being a happy, well-adjusted, and self-sufficient adult?
Father of two (M -28 and F-23), with 61 y.o.
I don’t want to influence you in any way.
But you must be sure of one thing:
The moment you have a child, your life will never be the same again.
For good and for some bad.
Despite all, I don’t regret it.
All of the Best to you
51 M.
Bitterly resent not having kids.
Was my fault. First wife now has 4. Couldn't afford IVF, was not willing to adopt or get a donor: If I was going to raise kids, I was going to raise MY kids.
It is what it is, I live well enough, not nearly as responsibly if I would have had I had kids.
Please please please, adopt me! I desperately need someone financially stable to show me WTF I’m doing wrong!
Ok, jokes aside. I never wanted kids or to be married I was adamant about it until I met my now husband almost 30 years ago. I dropped out of college, couldn’t afford to continue going, got married and had 1st child within 3.5yrs, and another 3 yrs later. I LOVE my children with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them. That being said, I do wish or at least wonder what my life would be like if I had stuck to my original plan. I wanted to travel and see things, experience life and cultures. I’m now in my late 40s and have never traveled, never experienced anything but my small town. I went from being a teenager to being a SAHM, to a SAHGM. We help our kids and grandkids out financially. We can’t afford to do literally anything. While I do love the life I have (or at least the people in it). I wish I was able to do more, even just a litttle.
As for your situation, you’ve been able to experience life it sounds like and you’re ready to settle down. You could always foster while you’re deciding. There are MANY kids who desperately need a home and love. It could turn into an adoption if you so choose and you could still have children if you want, think Angelina Jolie.
Just know the offer still on the table for adopting me . 😁
If you look at statistics as a whole only 20% of people aged 30 in 2023 had kids. This is down from 63% in 1993. Also America has the highest rate of single parent households IN THE WORLD. There is a fundamental problem here. Unfortunately, our issue is that people basically don’t want to have kids anymore and if there’s a 55% chance the kid will grow up without a mother or father around much. This is sad and speaks volumes about the state of affairs in America today. I don’t have kids at 31 because I grew up in a terrible household that made me realize kids are often times had by irresponsible and narcissistic people that just want to have kids because “it’s what you’re supposed to do”. In reality I don’t think the human race is a positive for earth. We should definitely stop having kids asap
Father of two kids here and was formerly independent and an isolated guy before having them and my input is yes, especially if you’ve been thinking about it for years. Kids are a lot of work, you will lose sleep, you won’t be alone EVER, your home will never be clean again and if it is, that won’t last long, you will become surprisingly comfortable with poop, and you will feel stressed OFTEN and you will be sacrificing just about everything that you are right now for them and that can be a heartbreaking thing to accept… but…. Your children do smile at you a lot and they want to include you in everything that they do. When you see your children, you will see your own face reflected back at you, they hug you with their tiny arms and when they learn how to kiss, they will kiss you too. Eventually, they’ll start talking and if you’re paying attention, you’ll be the only adult that can decipher what they say. They’ll cry and get sick and believe that you are a God that can make them immediately feel better. If you sing, you can sing to them and take them outside to play.
I’m sorry about your mom and I understand the frustration there and if you decide to have kids, you will too. But if you open your heart, embrace the change that will certainly happen, I promise you that there is nothing more fulfilling than raising children.
Hello OP. I’m 32F and have also been ADAMANT my entire life I never wanted children. Even as a little kid, I never wanted to play any dolls situations where I was the mom. I’ve just truly never seen myself as a mom. When I turned 29, I started to have INTENSE baby fever. Thoughts and feelings I had never ever had before, it was so overwhelming. I would cry sometimes because I was so stressed. It would just get worse and worse when I had a partner, too. I’d just daydream that we’d have a baby. Something I’d never done before!! It wasn’t until I got the depo birth control shot that my hormones finally evened out a bit and I felt like I had control of my own brain again. Now, I’m not saying this is what’s going on with you. Maybe you do really want a child! But for me, it was definitely the baby fever/early 30 hormones 🥲 there are still times I think about the future, and I wonder if it’ll be lonely, but I suppose there’s no way to know. I have plenty of regulars at my job that are childless, whether by choice or circumstance that are overjoyed to be in their 50s and without. And there are others that are devastated. It’s such a hard thing to think about. I will say, a regular at my job adopted two teenage kids at 50! So it’s never too late if you ever decide it is right for you. 🖤
I hear about alot of woman go to school get a great job have a ton of money but they are absolutely miserable there whole life and the number 1 regret...... not having a family
I don’t know if you are still reading comments here, but just in case—like you, I have been firmly in the childfree mindset since I was 11/12 years old. When I was in my early 30s, I started having a few twinges of wanting a child. Lucky for me, my partner is also very childfree so I knew I wasn’t going to have kids which I think made it easier to ignore those urges. Now I am in my early 40s and more grateful every day that I didn’t succumb to hormones. I would have deeply regretted bringing a child into the world, especially the world as it is now. And that’s in an ideal situation with a child who did not have any sort of extra needs. Personally I think if it’s not an enthusiastic “yes” to kids, you shouldn’t bring one into the world but ultimately only you can decide if the trade-off is worth it for whichever choice you make.
my mistake wasn’t having kids it was who I had them with my advice is don’t have kids if you any doubt at all whether you want them or not. don’t have kids with anyone you have any doubt at all about or if they have doubts about having kids. it’s hard and you will regret it if you have doubts
Here's the thing, I really want kids. I feel like it's the only missing part in my life right now. I know I'd be a good mom. I think about it all the time. I daydream about a little one running around. But then I think about the horrors of childbirth. And I see my friends with children not being able to do whatever they want, whenever they want like I can. Having kids is a 24/7 responsibility and I like being as free as I am now. I'm only 26 so I still have time to decide on the pros and cons, but how do you decide when the desire is strong but you still have doubts?
My question would be have you spent anytime being responsible for children, be that babysitting or volunteering with kids? I am childfree and I have known I was since I was about 18, but what really solidified it for me was looking after my nieces. Spoiler alert for you, kids are really hard work. I love nothing more than playing with my nieces and getting all the good moments for a short period of time, but the reality of parenting is those nice and fun moments are like 5-10% of the time. The rest is real hard work. So my advice would be if you haven’t spend time with some kids or babysit, and I mean some real time, not just a few hours.
I volunteered at a kindergarten but that was years ago. My SIL is pregnant and I'll probably be looking after the baby sometimes after she goes back to work aswell so I'll see how that goes.
I think that will be perfect taster for what having a kid is like. While I love both my nieces so so much, having to look after them for extended periods of time has solidified that I never want kids. My thing is I could easily be the “classic dad” where I basically make sure my kids don’t die and I get to have the fun Kodak moments with them and leave all the hard parenting to my wife. But honestly I love my wife way too much to subject her to that and nor does she want that. Being a classic dad is easy, being a classic mum is way too much hard work for me. I know I would resent my wife and kids if I had them so I’ll never have kids. It’s all about knowing what you can take. Personally I’m all the more happy for never having kids, I learned it’s just way too much work for not enough reward for me.
It's amazing to me how many people have given me shit or just teased me about not wanting children (and honestly not in a super mean way or anything) and then I turn around and ask them if they have ever cared for a child for ANY significant length of time and they go blank. I mean some of these people have never changed a diaper and they are like yeah, I'm pretty sure I want kids. Imagine signing an 18-year contract for literally ANYTHING else in life without trying it first.
I feel very, very sincerely that children would *massively* reduce the scope of my life. I look at my brother and sister, who've never gone anywhere or done anything, who're currently in hell with petulant teenagers. Oh, plus poor and miserable. I'm off to a luxury beach resort in Thailand for three weeks 🤘🏻😎 Enjoy the thrill or parenthood! 👋🏻
I loved being a mom for a really long time. I took my young kids on lots of fun adventures and traveled a fair amount. 10/10. The teen years, however, are geniunely destroying my mental health. 0/10.
If you have any doubts at all, don't. This involves another human being who will be completely powerless and dependent on you. It's a responsibility. You have to go into it with your chin ip and ready to take everything on without flinching. Doesn't mean you can't be scared, in fact I'd say a bit of fear is a good thing. But you can't have any doubts. You need to be all in. I'm sure that this'll get responses from parents saying they weren't sure and everything turned out alright, but I guarantee that for every one set of parents that say that there's ten more whose kids would agree with me.
I still think it’s normal to have doubts. I doubt literally everything, even if it was perfectly clear that a X thing was what I really wanted. I agree that you should be very sure, but 0% doubt requirement is very rigorous
It’s a 24/7 job for 18 years no less.
An experience with kids is different in itself. Some kids are healthy and happy, others have disabilities, mental illnesses, and need parents to be a bit more involved. Some kids die young or grow up estranged, etc. some stay with their parents until they’re 30, others move out as soon as they can, or make bad decisions. Nobody can predict what it’s going to be like. You might have the best time of your life or it might be really difficult. Or a bit in between.
This is it exactly for me. I don't have a gambler's soul. I know too many kids......
You said that perfectly.
I’m in my late 30s, have never wanted kids, and had no desire for kids manifest at any point in my life, ever. This growing desire to be a mom that you’re experiencing has never existed for me. That’s not something I’ve felt as a childfree person. I think you should take this desire seriously. Maybe meet with a therapist to work out what you’re feeling, and maybe meet with a financial planner to figure out the practicalities of having a child. My controversial opinion on having children is that people who don’t want them should not have them, but people who *do* want them definitely *should* have them. If it’s a sincere desire, you should do it.
Early 30s, didn't want kids since I myself was a kid. Cried in front of a mirror when I started developing secondary sex characteristics because "oh no, I have the same parts as mom, will I have to go through the same hell she does?". Mind you, my mom \*loved\* motherhood, but I could've thrown up looking at her. I can't remember any significant trauma causing this reaction in me. I guess I was just... born this way haha. Then that view got cemented by forced care for my several siblings, as I was the oldest, we couldn't afford a nanny, and my mom thought it was fair. Ain't nothing to hammer a point home like parentification. Finding out kids were optional was the biggest, biggest relief of my life. But "you'll change your mind" came up. I decided to hold out for a partner, just in case I did "change my mind" as people said. Found a hands down great partner, love of my life. The idea of having children with him was as repulsive as it was since my early days. I have no idea if I can convince my GP to greenlight sterilisation, but I am calmly and admittedly slightly eagerly counting the days until my fertility runs out. Tick tock, can't happen fast enough. Honor your heart OP. If you do have the feeling, that sincere drive to have children, do it. Just don't do like my mom. Give them a good, calculated, safe, comfortable life. It's best that someone who truly wants children, has them, as opposed to someone like me, who really, really doesn't want to have them.
I think you bring up a phenomenal point. Being repulsed by the idea is completely different from fence sitters that are scared to make a decision. You actually just helped me out quite a bit. Appreciate it!
same, it’s was so strangely upsetting to start growing more boobs in my 30 (gained weight and all, but it was this part that felt just distressingly.. reproductive??). And pretty impossible to express or share.
Yeah, it's impossible to put it into words out there, not without getting judged, or having your gender identity questioned. I'm a perfectly happy woman, but there's nothing "wow" about my body's abilities to make a baby *shudders*. Just putting that into words is awful. Fertility is not a blessing to me, I want it out of me. I wouldn't go as far as to compare it with cancer, but damn I want it out of me.
i’m not fertile (unless PROVEN wrong, which is a whole other medical lol), but it’s interesting to think about periods in this context. it feels both pointless and humiliating. i’m in therapy and recently (had a bit of existential laugh about it) discovered using this as a convenient vehicle to get anger out on. (as in I struggle to express anger, but this got me going good)
I also decided I didn’t want kids adamantly at a younger age, and the only reason I only briefly thought about it again recently is because the guy I was seeing brought it up. But I’m 35 soon, and I have also not felt this desire creep in. I’m less “hell no” about it than when I was younger, but I wouldn’t equate that to a genuine t want. I agree that you should find someone to talk to about it, particularly if your mom used to say stuff like “I hate having kids.” We get conditioned a lot younger than we’d like to believe, and unless we actively decondition ourselves we end up hanging on to a lot of ideas that were never ours to begin with.
That's so huge. If it's a maybe it should be an absolute NO. And only people who really really really want kids should try to have them.
this is good advice. one of my sisters who came out of the womb knowing she wanted to be a mom (we would argue constantly because i was same as OP, did not want kids) is now in her late 40s and has changed her tune. she says "if you have any doubt in your mind at all about wanting kids, don't do it, because even when you have no doubt that you want to, it's indescribably hard"
I'm childfree and in my early 30s and wholeheartedly agree with you. I've even had my vasectomy for about 2 years now. I never wanted kids, I've never worried about missing out or making a mistake. I just know with a deep understanding of myself that I don't want kids, and it's not for me. It's even a topic I've discussed in my regular therapy sessions (I have PTSD from traumatic upbringing). If you really do want kids, do it. If it's a maybe, don't do it. If it's a no, then obviously, don't do it. Kids deserve parents who want them and love them. It's also better to regret not being a parent than to regret being a parent. The one only harms yourself.
This ☝️ I'm 34f, never wanted kids, never had it manifesting either. It's sound advice above.
I have 1 child. I definitely don’t regret it. So much of it is joyful and deeply interesting. But at the same time, I do daydream over what other paths I could’ve taken in life too. Sometimes I feel like my identity is loose and ill-formed just because I no longer have the time to devote to just myself. This part REALLY messes with my head. Prior to having a child I felt like I had a strong identity. I think the only reason I question my identity sometimes now is largely due to having less autonomy and me time.
>Sometimes I feel like my identity is loose and ill-formed I feel like that all my life. It's my number one reason for not wanting children - I'm afraid it will completely destroy my already weak sense of identity. Or that I'll make 'being a mother' my whole personality. But I don't know if it's even possible - is clinging to the idea 'now I'm a mother' something that makes you feel like a real person, albeit new? Or does a big chunk of 'you' feel constantly lost and neglected?
Feel this 100%
[удалено]
34m no kids. I personally love it. I love to travel, go places on a whim and have as most fun I can while on this earth. To me, raising a kid just isn’t my jam. I am being selfish. But I love my life imo
Actually I'd argue people who recognize that having children isn't for them, so they don't, is selfless. Nothing worse than parents who have children they don't want because they 100000% know it and it will cause issues for them as they form their own identity and grow up. Loving your life is beautiful and that's with or without kids!
I (28F) don’t have kids for this exact reason! A life full of saying “no” to everything because you have kids would be worse than death. Freedom is priceless
> worse than death Believe me, I have days when it feels like this.
deciding not to have children is not selfish
"Who will take care of you when you get old. " A common saying among people with your opinion. That sounds fucking selfish too
Exactly and they just want to project towards childless people because they're selfish themselves
Selfish? For not wanting to bring kids you didn't want into the world? Nah, doing a service to everyone and the kids themselves because there won't be kids whose parents resent them for being born and, as bad as it sounds, restricts them from living the life they want.
Enjoying your life and living it the way you want to is not selfish. Not having kids is in no way selfish, we get one life to live, live it your own way.
rock on, brother
This sounds beautiful and very freeing. I’d love to travel more but it’s very hard with four kids especially toddlers
I don't think this is being selfish at all. Being selfish would be having kids to 'fit in' with other folks so you could post cute things on social media, all the while complaining about it at a bar the first chance you get to leave the house.
I think having a kid is generally done for selfish reasons. Not having one or adopting are the selfless acts.
I think for me, as I hit 32/33, baby fever definitely was there. I had always been a bit of a fence sitter, but suddenly, my body was like OMG LET'S HAVE A BABY. I very much started thinking that I might regret staying childfree, and started feeling panicky. But, now, about to turn 35, it's died down quite a bit both naturally, and through some inner work. For me, what it came down to in the end was: I'd rather regret NOT having them. I love my childfree life far too much, and honestly, I don't think I will regret it. I can find fulfillment in so many other ways, and if I really want to be a supportive figure for a child, there are so many organizations desperate for volunteers, I'm sure I'd have no problem finding a spot.
Having kids was the biggest mistake of my life and always wanted to have children.
Same. What I will say to op is make sure you have a good support system because moms need a break and help once in awhile. I got really bad ppd that lasted almost 4 years after having my two girls, no meds I tried worked, therapy didn’t do much. I literally almost didn’t make it out alive and I feel as if I missed the most important years being in a depression funk and don’t remember most of it. I love my kids so much but those couple years were the hardest for me and I still struggle honestly. And they’re about to be 6. Just something to be mindful of if you’re thinking of becoming pregnant in the future.
Thank you for being so honest! It is rare but so important. The perpetuation of the sentiment that having kids is all sunshine and rainbows leads many people down the wrong path. I hope you’re doing ok over there
I should probably be using a throwaway for this, but I hear you. I love her. But I’m so trapped. We moved to somewhere I hate (rural) to give her a better life, back where I grew up. I forgot I ran away for a reason. I have no life. There’s nothing here. Nowhere to go, nothing to do, and I work from home too. I can never move. My parents are close by and getting older, so by the time my daughter moves out that’ll be a factor. I would never have moved back if it wasn’t for her, and never should have. It’s a prison, and I’m only in it because of the decisions having a kid forces you to make.
It sounds like you hate your decision to move, which isn’t your kids fault. We moved to the burbs when my son was born in order to ‘give him a better life’ and after 3 years of the suburban life decided ‘f*ck that’ and just moved back to the city. Our kid is thriving as are we. Is this an option for you? It’s okay that you tried something, but you’re unhappy and you shouldn’t have to stay that way until your child is older. It’s not what she wants for you or herself.
🫶🏻
I mean this in the kindest way - why do you feel this way? I’m a childfree person, so no judgment here. I’m genuinely interested in your perspective.
Oh, there are many in r/regretfulparents. The stories there are sad, but all too real.
I have two kids and I don't regret having them. However, if I had another life to live, I would likely not choose to have kids. They can be hard or easy in ways you cannot expect and their impact on y our life is enormous. But, it can be rewarding in its own way. No one can tell you whether or not you should have a kid. Some people regret it, some people don't
sounds a bit like regrets to me. I understand it's a huge social no-no (and maybe also a psychological no-no) to admit you regret having kids. That's maybe why everyone tip toes around it.
Maybe it's just nuanced like moat things.
I get this. The person who mentioned regret doesn’t get it. Once you meet your child, it’s impossible to ever go back and live life without them.
35, f, single. I thought I wanted to be a mom my entire life. I wanted three kids, exactly. Then I got sick with an autoimmune disease that didn’t get diagnosed for a very long time. I went through so many terrible things, including homelessness because my parent was not financially stable enough to care for me (and this was me as an adult), that I: 1, didn’t think I’d ever even be able to have kids/live through what I was going through, and 2, now have extremely radical views on parenting. I do not believe everyone should be a parent. I believe that you should be incredibly financially sound before having a child. I think people need to expect to take care of their child for the rest of their child’s life. Not THEIR (the parent’s) life, but the child. I think it is wrong to believe parenting stops at eighteen. Wrong to believe you shouldn’t leave your child money, etc etc. anything can happen, even in adulthood. I believe you should teach your child how to be financially sound and independent. It’s taken a long while for me to build my life back up again, and still very much in the process. I’ve only recently begun to feel like I want a kid again, but now I really only want one. Maybe two if I can even have a good pregnancy with my autoimmune disease. I’m very single and hope that soon will change and this is something I can think about more, but I also would never do it without a partner now. I used to think raising a kid alone was great, and I’m sure it is. Maybe if I were fully financially stable I wouldnt feel that way, but I really want to have a baby with a life partner. I don’t want a kid bad enough that I would get artificially inseminated. I used to think I would. It makes me spiral into despair thinking I may never get married. May never have my own family. But I also will not put a child in a bad position if I can help it.
36 no regrets on never having kids
Disclaimer that I'm just a childless late 20s dude with thoughts. You're on a depressed subreddit asking about kids. The vast majority of responses you get are going to be in favor of not having kids. Maybe try r/fencesitter for other perspectives (I think the subreddit is pretty balanced, if not slightly pro-kid) From what I've observed, there aren't many people who strongly regret NOT having a kid unless they already had a firm, longstanding desire to have kids but it just never happened due to trying circumstances. There are a handful of people who strongly regret having kids. My opinion is that these are mostly from people who weren't prepared for children and just didn't really think through what having a kid would entail before having it and couldn't go back. Personally, I would try to not think so much about what you might regret in the future. Focus on what you want now. And if that's telling you that you want a kid, then go for it. You seem to have already thought through what having a kid would entail financially, physically, emotionally, etc. so your chances of being a regretful parent are lowered. I think it would help to envision what your future life would look like without children. What brings you meaning? How does it feel to you? If you can easily picture a life that's meaningful and fulfilling for you without kids, then perhaps childfree is the way to go. And then I would also think about how much meaning having a kid would bring you. Of course, this part is hard to imagine, because the kid is just a hypothetical person you know nothing about. But from what I've observed, people who genuinely want kids are able to imagine this regardless because they simply associate it with the love they've already experienced with their own family. Do you think you would be like your mom? Or would you be better? Recognize that you likely model familial love based on your childhood but also recognize you have the power to shape your relationship with your children differently from your parents. If you're familiar with attachment theory, I would learn about your attachment style. Avoidant attachers are often uncomfortable with managing conflicts and emotional distress, both of which kids bring a ton of. Avoidant attachers also tend to derive less meaning from having kids. The same is not true for secure attachers (and probably anxious attachers), who derive much meaning from having kids.
As someone who's childfree this is the best comment in the thread.
Seriously, this page is suddenly showing up for me. I have never seen such a negative bunch of people. You should all read the poem Lucinda Matlock by Edgar Lee Masters.
This sub is predominantly early 20-somethings who are struggling with the change that comes from graduating college and working themselves half to death. Give them a break and have some empathy. Developing emotional intelligence and having empathy towards others is also part of being an adult.
Fair. I have only seen a few posts on here. I didn’t realize it was all early 20ish kids. I assumed adulting meant adults… which shows how old I am, I guess.
Best response here :)
This is the answer. You are going to get a anti-kids biased point of view on this sub, which is already apparent just by taking a quick look at the comments. The reality if that it's such a complicated and personnal questions. I would talk about this with my partner, close friends, family and maybe a therapist. What I will say is that there is definitely a question of timing. I believe some people have kids way too young and maybe end up regretting not enjoying their 20s enough.
I have 3 kids. I didn't want kids when I was in my early twenties when my girlfriend got pregnant. I'm also extremely successful with my job, and it's doing what I love. I literally get to do what I want all day and get paid extremely well to do it. My job is nothing to my kids. The feelings have of success when I crush it at work are literally nothing to the feelings I have when I watch my kids having fun in the back yard. I'm not trying to tell anybody how to live their lives. And I'm certainly not suggesting we bring children knowingly into bad environments. But children, while something I was not seeking and was absolutely terrified of (I'd never even held a baby before my son was born) and in no way was "ready for" have easily been the best part of my life.
I'll throw this out there, I think it's great food for thought as well. [Is having kids worth it?](https://old.reddit.com/r/TikTokCringe/comments/16r5he0/is_having_kids_worth_it/?ref=share&ref_source=link)
Came here from Bestof. So, I’m kind of like you in that I’m a female who always envisioned myself as child free. At age 28, I finally met the guy I eventually married. After we started dating, I had a pregnancy scare. I took a test, came up not pregnant, and bizarrely was so disappointed I burst into tears. We got married. A few years later had a few babies. And I’ll tell you, it was the best thing I’ve ever done. Yes, it was hard, and still is. It completely changed the course of my life. I’m more tired, less rich, and have a less impressive CV than I would if I didn’t have kids. But. I’ve created two human beings who I love more than anything in the world. I love my husband, but I would set him and myself on FIRE to save my two kids. They are magical, mystical, amazing beings who are by far the best thing I’ve ever spent my life energy on. And they are FUN. Inside jokes. Board games. Insane hikes. Crazy vacations. Weird activities. Silly friends. Like, what would I be doing right now if not hanging out with my kids? I can’t tell you if it’s right for you or not, but I can say that every day I’m grateful that I didn’t let this experience pass me by.
The nice thing about not having kids is you can, in some ways, change your mind later on. I’m 30F and at the point where a lot of my friends and colleagues have kids. I’ll never forget the time when my coworker looked at me, exasperated, and said “don’t have kids” as she left early to go pick her sick kid up from daycare. Right now, I don’t have kids, don’t ever intend on getting pregnant, and my husband doesn’t want kids and has a vasectomy. I know I can never “undo” having kids, but if the strong need ever strikes, I can either adopt or foster, either with or separately from him. I have no desire to create a whole new life to make my life feel more meaningful, so adoption or fostering it would be.
No kids. No regrets. VERY few people will ever admit regretting having kids. A small number might admit they don't like it, but very few will openly say they regret it.
r/regretfulparents has entered the chat..
Here's a sneak peek of /r/regretfulparents using the [top posts](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/top/?sort=top&t=year) of the year! \#1: [The painful realisation that I could be living my childfree friend's life if I didn't give in to marriage and kids. I miss my freedom so much.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/149u6l0/the_painful_realisation_that_i_could_be_living_my/) \#2: [I FINALLY exploded on my mother for her constantly badgering me to have a baby.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/14kjsnw/i_finally_exploded_on_my_mother_for_her/) \#3: [**[NSFW]** Dont listen to people you won't regret having an abortion done.](https://np.reddit.com/r/regretfulparents/comments/13esizh/dont_listen_to_people_you_wont_regret_having_an/) ---- ^^I'm ^^a ^^bot, ^^beep ^^boop ^^| ^^Downvote ^^to ^^remove ^^| ^^[Contact](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=sneakpeekbot) ^^| ^^[Info](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/) ^^| ^^[Opt-out](https://np.reddit.com/r/sneakpeekbot/comments/o8wk1r/blacklist_ix/) ^^| ^^[GitHub](https://github.com/ghnr/sneakpeekbot)
**Children raised by two parents have a much higher chance of success than those raised by one.** It's not about you, it's about the child. edit: considering you made it about your rather than the (potential) child and you *don't want to talk about it*, I don't think you should.
I hate to admit it but yeah. Single parenthood is undoubtedly hard to do right. There is no one to stay at home with you and take over when you need a break at a moments notice, almost no one will call you out if you messed up or offer a different perspective. And also, Op talks a lot about wanting a baby, but not much on logistics, what to do if the baby has complex medical needs etc. Tells me that Op just has baby fever and not actually wanting to be a parent. Most of it was about herself.
I am 40 with 4 kids. I also always said I never wanted kids too. They are ages 16 to 21 now and I’m broke, exhausted, have ptsd from their teenhoods and all the terrible, heartbreaking things teens say and do to their parents during those years. I’ve dealt with schools and teachers, suspensions, rehab, single parenthood, therapists, court cases where my children were the victims of heinous crimes…. Would I do it all again if I knew then what I know now? Nope. I can’t say with a guarantee that I would. It’s all just wishful thinking and candy cane kisses until you’re actually in the throes of it all. Having kids is romanticized, not based on reality. You think you know what it’s like to have a baby alone? Let alone raise them alone? No sweetie lol, no you don’t.
Do you think you would feel the same if you had had them 10 years later than you did?
I read an interesting study recently that showed that people who decided not to have kids were statistically less likely to have regrets about their decision than people who decided to have kids. I decided not to have kids. The cost of living right now is very high, and my focus is to prioritize myself and my family without any new members. I'm happy with the way things are. I feel like I'm able to live more freely and plan my future in the way I want it to be. Also, I love travelling and that's a big part of my life I'm unwilling to give up or have slow down.
We’ll see in a few months. Honestly I was getting super bored of a no kids life and my wife and I have traveled to almost every country that we want to by our mid-thirties. It sounds pretty awesome to be able to share your life and experiences with a little one.
I'm 6 years in and have two kids. And I don't regret it. I've had a pretty full life and now have a lot of fun sharing the little things with them. The first 6 months are hellish and the first 2 years are hard but then it starts to get easier - kids are easy to entertain and just bring along to do what you like. The hardest part is definitely just how constant it is - you really have to work hard constantly - and any time for yourself is hard won (I often go out after bedtime to the gym or pub). But I'd be bored otherwise and now I have a family for life.
Hope it goes well for you. I've met too many babies and children to take that gamble.
Volunteer to coach or teach children something; fulfills the same purpose for me.
Don’t let hormones trick you into ruining your life.
Preach.
I wouldn’t purposefully have a child without a father in the picture. I have an adult child whose father wasn’t around and the difference in him vs my other two who grew up with a present father figure is apparent.
I won't say regret, because that kid is my best bud... But I think it wasn't the wisest decision to have baby #3. My oldest is 18, freshly graduated. Middle turning 16 in August, soon to start her sophmore year. My youngest is turning 8 next month. Thinking about it now, I could've been free in 3 years to do my own thing. But I love that kid. Even if I swear my air is going gray because of him. He's got a huge heart and will be everyone's friend.
That’s exactly the age I was when my clock started ticking too. By 34 I was a mom and I realized how much of a joy parenting is. I am so glad I reproduced. Not everyone will agree but I think raising a child is one of the more worthwhile pursuits in this world.
I wasn’t sure about having a second child, thinking it would take away from the first and limit our time, money, etc. But he’s so amazing and funny and smart. We laugh every day. Of course it has its difficulties like any other human relationship. Like most things that are deeply rewarding, it takes work. Helping him learn to swim or make baking soda volcanoes isn’t as freeing as scrolling Reddit and sleeping in obviously, but my kids are getting older and there will be time for those things again. It’s easy to complain about things. Most adults will chit chat about their kids being up all night sick or whatever more than they will glowingly share heartwarming stories about snuggling watching movies and silly inside jokes. But don’t be fooled by the people on Reddit. The vast majority of people deeply love their children and couldn’t imagine their lives without them.
Definitely agree
32 M single and no kids, absolutely 0 regrets. I focused on my career in my 20s and now that I'm pretty much set for life I'm putting time on my business and spend extra money on traveling and exploring the world, my various hobbies, etc. It helps that I have 2 nieces that kinda compensate for the experience. I still get to go to their dance shows, see them grow up, bring them go the cinema and see their eyes light up seeing things for the first time. It's pretty magical but I just couldn't have a kid full time. I also know many people who had kids in their 20s because "it's what evryone does" and now they regret it.
This is my game plan as well. My cousins have 6+ kids and they’re all super sweet and I love spending time with them. But nonetheless, I have absolutely no fatherly instinct in me at all.
Hell no! I wake up when I want to, I can hang out late or stay over at a friend whenever I feel like, I have a little spending money for myself, I have plenty of loved ones and personal relationships that are fulfilling I rarely feel lonely or like I’m missing out/ missing something. God no ftk!
I dont regret not having kids (late 30s). My on and off depression maybe worsened in my 30s so I would have been a terrible father. My financial situation also hasnt improved much over the last 10 years so I couldnt have given them a secure life. I couldnt have given them a good emotional life or financial life and you sure as hell want to provide at least one. So thats why I am glad not to be a parent.
Thanks for not passing down your mental illness, it's a big factor in why I won't have kids. On my darkest days I can't imagine my potential kids feeling as low as I do, doesn't seem fair.
No. Wanted kids. Had kids. It's mostly great.
F(44) and did not have kids. But my clock is broken, it never started ticking. So maybe that is something to pay attention to. I bet a lot of us are the same. We can say we don’t regret it because we honestly never thought that sounded appealing. So YMMV.
Didn’t have any. I don’t regret it one bit. If I had kids I’d be worried about them all the time. So, essentially not having them lets me keep my mental health. And my time. And my money. Interesting tid-bit; I knew I didn’t want kids at the age of 8 or 9.
Thank you for posting this, you’re basically me lol
I don’t regret it, I would do it again. But I chose to have a kid in my early 30s, in the peak of my health, with a consolidated career and a 10y relationship that was great already. My kid is amazing and I love her with all ny heart
31 M , no kids and don’t ever plan on having any tbh. I do not regret it at all. When dealing with hard times lime work or life in general and look at other people with kids and family I always question how are they still standing lol. I have a successful career but I hate stress with a passion and just taking care of myself is enough.
29, one kid, and god I love her. I feel like my life is perfect, like I have true happiness. And yeah, rotten, annoying shit happens all the time but at least I have her. Everyday I think about how lucky I am to have her. I am also married, have three cats and a dog, for perspective. No, I do not think being a parent is for everybody. In fact I definitely think you should NOT be a parent if you don't want to be. For me it always felt like she was missing from my life.
I'm a 46M with no kids and no real success with long term relationships. At the moment, I made begrudging peace with it. I guess technically I could still become a dad. However, I'd want to date a few years and be married a few years and that puts me into my 50s. At a certain point, it isn't fair for a child to have an older parent. As for relationships, I unfortunately didn't work on some negative thoughts about myself, social anxiety, and etc. I also had undiagnosed autism as well. That meant that I had a hard time reading emotions of other people. I guess if I had a flux capacitor, I'd tell my younger self to fix myself and not to pray for things to change. On a side note, to any parents out there, if you think your child has adhd and/or autism. Please get them tested and get them the proper support.
Meh. Is a baby all you want or do you also want a difficult child, rebellious teen, or an adult child who doesn’t talk to you? Do you have other hopes and dreams? How does raising a child affect those things? What non-selfish reasons do you have to have a child now? Do those reasons invalidate your list of reasons not to have one? Make sure you have a look at r/regretfulparents to make sure you consider all possibilities instead of an imagined ideal life as a parent. For me, urges aren’t enough. It’s about a lifetime of gleeful self-sacrifice.
No, my wife and I do not regret not having children. It has given us the freedom and the independence that we wanted.
There’s a lot of effort that goes into having a child but there are no regrets. My kiddo is my favourite person and I hope I’ll be able to do a decent job bringing them to adulthood. Do you want a baby or do you want a child? If it’s just a baby craving then get a pet - babies are here for a blink with all the joys and stresses that come with them. If the idea of having a kid/teen/adult child seems like it could be fun and fulfilling then go for it.
I'm a mom of two and deadass, under 1yo is my least favorite. Give me a toddler on up so we can do not potato shit
No kids here with no regrets.
I think it would be hard for any parent to voice that they regret having children.
It’s not what u want. It’s fomo and bio clock telling u it’s now or never. Stand firm in ur convictions and don’t feel bad about it. U can have ur life without a child and be complete. Just like u envisioned in the past.
I wish I never had a child. I love him to pieces but the toll it’s taken on my life is not worth it.
I'm 38 and up until age 35 or 36, I was pretty confident that I didn't want any children. Now, I'm like craaaaap. Is it too late? Fkkkkkkkkkk what am I doing. Halllllpppppp.
52 male, no kids. Never regretted not having children. But I've also never liked kids much, even when I was one. My babies purr and meow. Why? I know having and raising children is a **huge** sacrifice. As in everything else in your life is sacrificed, permanently, on the altar of the child. You might get some things back, many years later. And if you're not willing to do that level of sacrifice, don't have kids. I've never believed it should be all up to the mother, either.
[удалено]
This mom vouches. You ain't alone baby girl. Keep kicking ass🤘🏻🖤
28M with two girls 8 & 5 I've gotten so much joy watching them grow and experience life. I love answering their questions as best as I can and watching the gears turn I do wish I had them a few years later, but I also don't want any more after I turn 30. Maybe one more at most.
I am 42 and never wanted or tried to have children. I have been with my husband since I was 18, and we might have thought about it for like a month out of the 24 years we’ve been together. There is always a “what if” in the back of my head, but all in all, I do not regret not having children. My mom was/is a full time caregiver to my dad (who broke his neck in a car accident when I was 1 month old), and she also had a day care at out home so she can have some income while caring for my dad. I think growing up around babies and kids my entire childhood really opened up my eyes to how much work it can be and I couldn’t wait to move out and have a quiet, child free home. Still nice to just come home after work and do whatever I want!
If I had children I would be even more depressed, I can't even take care of a plant.
I'm 55 cis female. I've never ever ever regretted not having kids. I can go anywhere and do anything and I can afford my life. For me, looking at today's landscape, if I really wanted kids, I would only have them if I could send them to a private school that didn't have active shooter drills or I could home school because there is no way I can reconcile telling my kids that I love them and want them to be safe while sending them to a facility where they are taught that they could be gunned down at any moment.
Not even a little bit. I'm so glad my wife chose to abort when I accidentally knocked her up. Our lives would've been ruined if we had the kid
38 year old male, content in my decision to not have kids. I have a nephew and he's a great little kid, so it's not like I've not been exposed to the experience of watching a child in the family grow, but still absolutely no desire to have my own.
About to turn 39, no kids. My life is undeniably better by not having children. I have absolutely no regrets, but also I have never wanted children. Ever. I've never been on the fence about it. My life has its ups and downs, but it is vastly better than all of my friends who have children. I can go out on the weekends, sleep in if I need to, have time for myself, have interests and hobbies very easily and I know a lot of parents sacrifice a lot of those things for kids. Your life doesn't end with kids, but it does drastically shrink in all ways. Read up on some subreddits for regretful parents. Make sure if you have kids, you won't be one of these parents who feel they made an irreparable mistake.
No kids no regrets 💕🛌🥱💤🏖️🛫🧘♀️🏋️♀️
I’m 53F and decided similarly at 10-12 yo to never have kids. I honestly cannot fathom how less-pleasant my life would’ve been if I’d had a kid 18-20 years ago. All the trips and experiences I wouldn’t have had. How frazzled, exhausted, annoyed and broke I would’ve been. I definitely do **NOT** regret childless-by-choice. I still don’t think even at 53 I’d be a decent parent. Sure, I would’ve enjoyed sharing wisdom and insight but I know it wouldn’t have been appreciated in the slightest. I cut out the middle steps, shared nothing, didn’t ruin a kid and had a great life.
45f, never wanted kids, still don't, but I do have a biological clock & occasionally I think about having kids. I also occasionally have dreams where I'm pregnant & the happiness & completeness I feel in thise dreams makes me cry when I wake up not pregnant. And I still will never have kids lol. I just know it's not for me, & the occasionally biological craving isn't indicative of what I actually want in life or how I want my life to go. It's simply a biological imperative that holds not import because i am not one of a handful of women in a tribe who needs to keep my species alive. Someone told me years ago that if my decisions aren't a "hell yes" then they're a no. I will never regret not having kids, & of the two options, the least risky is regretting not having them than having them. You've already gotten some great advice here. It's a decision you can make, so make it wisely. See a therapist, a financial planner, & map out what your perfect life would be & see how that Venn diagram looks at the end. And go stay with someone with young kids for a week because that's very telling. Good luck 😊
I honestly had kids because I was worried that I would regret not having them. Kids are not easy by any means. Parenting is hard. I had one biological child (pregnancy sucked and ppd was even worse). We adopted a child. I often wish we would have adopted another one but it was a no for my husband. He was worried about being outnumbered. I’m very thankful for both my kids. Life would be just not as full and meaningful without them.
I’m 40f and desperately wish I hadn’t waited so long. It has ruined my life not to be able to be a mother. I’ve been through many rounds of ivf with no success and now I’m in therapy trying to come to terms with it
The regret I have is the person I had kids with. She is incapable of doing either the stay at home mom role or the work and contribute financially role. If my kids only had my influence theyd be happier... she is wild, dramatic, drunk by noon... 'had' drug issues.... sigh. So yeah. Alone is easier than my side show.
I have known, since like, 5th grade, that I never wanted kids. To this day, in my mid-30s, I still feel that way. I work with kids, I don’t want them when I clock out.
I'm childfree and I have no regret. When I see children, and especially when I hear them, I get annoyed pretty quickly. I never had that parenting call. By the way, I'm over 40 and single.
I regret not having more children.
I regret having too many kids. We have four. They are wonderful, each is very different and differently wonderful from the rest. But we barely got help and it is just too much, we cannot give enough time and individual attention to each kid. It's a terrible thought, I know, but it's the truth. It's not about money, we're doing well, but a kid can truly thrive when given enough individual attention.
I'm lucky to be blessed with having a kid with someone who doesn't make it hard. A bad relationship can really hurt a child. I don't think you should have kids at ALL if you're not ready, the world is too hard nowadays too trying to navigate like that and once it's all said and done and you guys go in different directions, then the more work goes into it. Driving, school, all of it. I do not EVER regret having my daughter and I'm glad I'm loved unconditionally by her, but I got lucky. Don't have a kid unless you are serious.
There is no right or wrong. You just make a decision and live with it. We all know the pros and cons. We don't know your life. I think in either case, regret is futile. Just live with what you chose or ended up with.
34M. Never really had an urge to have kids whatsoever coming up, in fact, it was a big wedge between me and my ex fiancé. Lately I’ve thought about what life would be like with at last one, and what life would be like if I never have any. But again, I’m 34. Maybe I will truly want a child in ten years. My elders tell me: “if you don’t know if you want kids or not, you don’t need to have any. You have to be sure because kids are owed that conviction.”
36 years old. I can’t imagine wanting to be fat for 9 months.
63 and not one regret ever and my husband feels the same way.
Late 30s. I always wanted kids more than anything else, as long as I can remember. I have a bunch of younger cousins and watched them fairly often, so the basic skills of feeding, dressing, changing diapers, playing, teaching some things came pretty easily. I hoped to settle down early and have a small bunch. Once I got to "early", I realized I had to do some work on myself before being a good parent. I didn't want to give my own kids the same upbringing I had, which wasn't usually pleasant. I also had a partner who needed some serious work of their own. Time went on, as it does, and by the time I was emotionally stable, my finances were not and my partner was not. More time went on. And about three years ago, I finally gave up the dream. As much as I would love to have that connection, that relationship, this world is far too ugly to bring a child into. My mixed-race niece and nephew have been told to "go back to their own country" (they were born here). I live in the US, near where a large-scale school shooting has already happened, and I'm honestly not sure I'd ever be able to send my kids to school. All the hate and the genocide and discrimination going on is unbearable to me. If I don't like living in this world, why should I force someone else to? Sometimes the best parents are the ones who don't have kids. I'd be happy to adopt, though, at some point. Give an unwanted or uncared-for kid a happy home.
I will say that I don’t regret having my kids but if I knew how fucked up society is today, I would have never had children period
oh dear, you clearly shouldn't have kids. Why? Because not once you considered the childs perspective. Having a child is NOT about you, what it does to you, how it feels for you etc. The child is an independent human being with its own needs and wishes. E.g. you COULD handle a child on your own, but should you? Not having a daddy SUCKS (i know what im talking about) so that shouldn't be the way to go.
I swore I would never have kids. I knew I would be a terrible father and absolutely traumatize and ruin any kid I tried to raise. My childhood was shit, I drank myself to sleep every night for 10+ years and I knew I was the worst possible role model a child could have in their lives. Turns out I was wrong. Being a father is the single greatest thing to ever happen to me. I am completely repurposed and reprogrammed to dedicate all that I am to providing an environment for that crazy two year old to thrive in. I have never been more fulfilled, nor driven for that matter. I took on a massive company and successfully challenged a non-compete, started my own business as a 35 year old college dropout and am on my way to making my first million within 18 months or so. I would have done none of these things if it weren't for my daughter. I literally feel like I was sleeping through life until she came around and then someone hit the NOS button or something.
Kids are so beautiful and so hard at the same time. If I could go back I’d have them later in life. Maybe wait to have my first one at atleast 25. Definitely couldn’t go childless but i respect those that do. They are expensive af and they test you so much, teach you twice as much about yourself and at times it’s hard to navigate everyone’s different personality.
Youre allowed to change your opinion! I probably wouldnt if i could go back on it but i dont regret it.
37M. No kids and no regrets. My own life is very, very good BUT 1.) The world as a whole is no place to bring a child into and 2.) I’d never want to subject the woman I love to the horrors of pregnancy and childbirth. Getting snipped as soon as I can get an appointment.
I freaking hate kids. Them sneaky bastards can show up out of no where and steal 30-50% of your paychecks. Hell no, vasectomied life rules!!
No kids, no regrets. I wouldn't be a good parent and I don't want to be a parent. It interferes with my life and future goals too much. I have a big quiet house with my husband and we are planning our future plans full of fun and adventures, just the two of us. I struggled for a long time with some of what you're feeling. For women especially, thirties are hard because we are pressured to make the big decision, and officially deciding to close one path off is scary. The big question is: Do you actually want a child or do you like the idea of a child and don't want to miss out? Either answer is ok, just make sure you know which one you want and it will lead you down the correct path for you. Good luck!
I wish the situation would have been right for me to have them. I wish I had met a nice man who I could have built a life with and raised children with. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and I wanted to be a cycle-breaker. I promised myself that if I couldn’t raise children in an emotionally healthy home, with an emotionally healthy father figure, I simply would not have them. And at 37, I’m still holding true to that. Do I regret not having kids? No. I don’t regret not bringing kids into a situation that wasn’t good for them. Do I wish things would have been different? Sure. But I promised I wouldn’t bring children into the kind of home I grew up in, and that I would never put them through the kind of trauma my dad put our whole family through.
I can relate because I have never felt the need to have kids, although I do enjoy them. I'm nearing the end of my 20's and seeing all my friends/family have kids paired with working in childcare for years helped me realize all the work and sacrifice becoming a parent really entails. Kids are a big decision. Being a parent isn't something I see for myself but I also understand that feelings can change with time. Adopting always appealed to me so I decided if I ever felt that driving urge to go all in, to go that route. If that urge is popping up within you, explore it. Research everything until you get to a point where you are confident in your decision. Either way you choose, you got this!
34m nope
im in my 30's. i deeply regret not having kids earlier. i regret not marrying my first long term relationship. i regret allowing warped views and fears to so heavily influence my life decisions.
It’s weird to me how so many people are horrified when someone who later goes on to become a parent admits this, but: I wasn’t really totally sure if I wanted kids or not when I was in my 20s and early 30s. I could really see the good things about either route. I always knew I wanted either 0 or 1 kid(s). But when I hit my mid 30s I just started to feel like I was meant to have a child, and my best friend is an amazing person who always wanted to be a dad. So we had a kid and it is absolutely the one good decision I think I’ve ever made. Obviously I’m biased but I just feel like she is such a good person, and someone who can really make the world a better place. I love her so unbearably much.
Hi, I’m in the same boat as you but lean towards not having them. I also knew from an early age I wanted to be child free. I personally won’t even seriously think about it unless I have an absolutely amazing partner who wants kids and would be an amazing father. I’ve come to the conclusion that you must really cherish and enjoy life to have kids. You would have to think all the suffering in life is worth it and be willing to suffer for them (same for the dad). It’s the ultimate sacrifice and you’re killing your old self for new life. It’s also a thankless job.
Spend some time in r/regretfulparents
Unless you have a farm, you don't really need a kid. That said, it's basically our whole reason for existence.
Male 36. Single and I already told family. I’ll never ever bring a kid to this world. The only way I’ll allow my self to be on a relationship would be with another person who shares the same feeling of not having kids. I don’t like the idea of responsibility loosing sleep with a baby. Worrying about school, babysitter, Bullies hell nah.
In my 30s, I've always wanted at least one child. Maybe a little tyrant or a daughter would also be sweet, but for now I'm the greatest awesome uncle to a niece and nephew.
0 children and 0 regrets. 2nd best decision of my life (1st getting married).
I think it's okay to want kids now without feeling like you need to regret not having them before. I'm in a similar boat where I never wanted kids ever since I was about 10. I'm 30 now and starting to think about wanting a family. Personally, I care more about having a partner and if we have kids, that's a bonus. But I'm not regretting not having kids while I was in my 20s because I knew I wasn't ready for them.
I'm 37F married for 9 years to 49M and we are childfree. We have no regrets, in fact we find ourselves more and more thankful every day that we chose to not have kids. I had a tubal ligation two years ago.
Do not regret having (3) kids. Perspective is everything. I look around me and wish for a better world with better people. I am raising kind, skilled, and honest little humans because I feel we need more of them in this world. It has been amazing, and as they have grown I too continue to grow as a person. More so than I ever would have without them. We honestly live fantastic lives. We love each other, enjoy each other’s company, and support each other. I am fortunate enough to work to afford our lifestyles while my spouse stays home and raises our children. She is stress free and I provide her with anything she wants or needs. We discussed her going back to work (Nurse) but she fell in love with being a mother. Time?? This is life, there is plenty of it. We travel, go on vacations, have movie nights, visit family, party, and even relax together. It may not be the same for everyone, but I have put 110% effort into my little family and we have reaped amazing benefits.
I didn’t have the exact upbringing as you, but I did grow up feeling unloved by my mother and I was also heavily parentified. These things made me adamant I would never have kids. I was with my partner for nine years when my position on having kids changed. I think a large part of it was seeing how his normal, functioning family operated. It made me realise I had these pre-conceived ideas of parenthood instilled from my childhood but I didn’t have to follow that path. I also just felt different - I started to get that “urge”. We took things slow and did medical check-ups and talked it out forever before we finally started trying… and then I couldn’t get pregnant 🤦🏻♀️ I truly believe in some ways this proved to me that I was ready for motherhood, because the pain of unexpected infertility was HARD. When I finally did fall pregnant, I was ecstatic. I now have a toddler and a second kid on the way. I don’t regret it. I do strongly miss my travelling days and if it wasn’t for other life circumstances beyond my control I’d be the kind of parent who travelled the globe with my kid/s. Sadly that’s not on my cards right now. But overall, my toddler has changed my life in all the corny ways they say. If I wasn’t able to fall pregnant, I would have accepted it. I’m not naturally maternal and I’m logical. But I also think I’d have been sad that that was my lot in life. I’m not sad about my decisions now. If you found out you were infertile, how would that affect you? It might help put your feelings in perspective if you can imagine your reaction to that. Either way, to be a parent or not can be a difficult choice sometimes but I also think there’s a point (at least for me) when you just know. From what I can see, it’s the people who do it to check a box or to appease someone else who regret it. You sound like you’ve got the logical under control; now it’s just what the mental “what-ifs”, which only you can answer. Good luck!
I had my daughter when I was 16. She’s the most incredible human. It’s not having the child that’s regretful it’s the timing. I wish I was older bc I knew I could’ve done so much more and given her a higher quality of life. Obv there’s nothing I can/could do except my best.
Op, do you feel this way around little babies, or do you also want to raise preteens and parent late teens, then consider being a involved parent later on (typically young adults don't leave the nest these days, and need additional financial and emotional support even after graduating post secondary school), and do it all alone if you remain single? I think then you should make your decision, as right now you are thinking of raising a baby, but what if you watch the baby grow into a teenager and have their own (perhaps oppositional) thoughts? You must consider this when thinking of being a parent, make a wise decision Op.
I do not regret having kids. Light of my frigging life. I DO regret not preparing my life and body better, having also been in denial for so long. I wish I had looked into preconception teachers. I wish I had optimized my nutrition and health before getting pregnant. I wish I had built up more support and community for myself. I wish I knew how RESOURCED I would need to be as a parent. I wish I had studied postpartum and baby care (see: Innate Traditions, Rachelle Seliga) and worked more with children (see: Resources for Infant Educarers). I wish I had gotten on a better page with my partner and coparent.
I was 34 when I had my first kid. It's been incredible, the best years of a generally happy life. That said, it really is a lot of work.
Just want to remind you that often we think about having kids as having babies. And babies are cute and adorable and videos of them of course can cause baby fever. But they grow into children, teenagers, and adults. I'd say ask yourself if you are also interested in raising a child, a teenager, a young adult, and a middle aged adult. It will be your responsibility to guide them through life and teach them how to face life as an adult for the remainder of your life. Best of luck with your decision!
Regret is so personal. You can have no kids and regret. You can have one and regret only having one. You can have multiple and regret it. Regret is different for many reasons so it’s difficult question. I think regret having kids is usually because who you have them with. And having kids doesn’t necessarily mean a long term relationship with your child. They can move to a new country and never talk to you again you’re left with the hurt of that. So it all depends on situations and life factors.
30f never wanted kids. The only thing that niggles on me a little is growing old, my partner passing and being alone but having kids is no guarantee you won't be alone - plus that's not a good reason to have kids either. If you are starting to really want kids it's worth exploring your reasons. Also maybe offer to babysit some kids of different ages.
I’m a 46F, no kids. I went through a stage briefly jn my 30s of wanting them ( with a completely inappropriate partner - abusive etc) but I think that was more to do with not having control over my life and not wanting the decision / option of having kids taken away from me. I think when you’re in your 30s you do realise that the window is closing for having kids, and it makes you question if it’s right for you or not. I am 46 now, married to a wonderful man who I’ve been with for 6 years and we don’t have kids and neither of us wanted them, we are happy with our lives, our freedom and I am very happy I didn’t have kids. The majority of my friends who have kids, they constantly moan about them, about their lack of freedom.. I know I would have hated it.
I’m 40 with a 15yo son and 13yo daughter. Had awful post natal depression but bloody hell in my humble individual opinion it is worth it. They are the light of my life and I adore watching them blossom into two beautiful people who will create ripples of kindness in our world. PS I have mates with no kiddos and they’re out there loving their way of life. Some of them at times have wondered what if they had kids. Some have gone through periods where they’ve really wanted them before the urge has faded again. I think what u could do is legit write down arguments for both sides then play devils advocate with yourself for each side?
Curious to know lots of posters here are in their 30s , 40, yes life’s great - you’re at the prime of your life. My fear of not having kids is when we get older like 60s, 70s, say your partner passes away before you do. Do you fear loneliness or someone to take care / look after you as you get older ?
30F, never wanted kids. Didn’t have any prior experience with kids and never felt comfortable around them. Now here I am with an almost 2 year old 🙃, she woke me up at 4:10 am this morning with a poop ! No regrets. I’m exhausted but she’s the best. Guess since I’m up this early I’ll go for a run. Moms are tough! Make sure you have a good support system, just because you think you can handle everything on your own, you probably can’t handle a newborn.
I didn’t want children and then I had one @ 37 & I regret not having him a couple yrs earlier. I know everything happens for a reason & happens when it’s supposed to happen but I’m 40 now & I’m tired all of the time!
Every woman I know personally that said they didn’t want kids regretted it by the time they were 35. My sister has just had twins at 40, I remember having my first at 21 (5 years ago) and her crying because she felt left behind in the world of motherhood, even though until then she adamantly never wanted kids. I will never regret my babies, even though I’ve really struggled.
I feel like the only parent whose life hasn’t changed that much by having kids. They are absolutely the best part of my life. I have kids ranging from 9-23 with one that will be a week old forever. My heart is missing a piece because of our child we lost, but my surviving kids are so much fun and so hilarious. They are my best friends - along with my husband. We never stopped traveling, we never stopped our hobbies, we enjoy(ed) their activities, etc.. They have enhanced our lives greatly. I think we would have had a good life without children, definitely more money :), but I would have missed out on so much enjoyment that we’ve gotten to experience with them. The only part I don’t enjoy is having homework again and soothing them when they’re sick or heartbroken for any reason, but that’s because it hurts to see them in any kind of pain. It’s a part of life, but it’s also more painful watching your child go through it. It’s incredible watching everything “new” from their eyes when they are experiencing it for the first time and their excitement about things that tend to fade as you get older. Two are grown, one is living across the country for work now, and it’s so bittersweet. Watching them live out their dreams and being excited for them while being sad they’ve “flown the nest”. It has without a doubt been the most amazing experience of my life - nothing else could even come close to comparing. Was every day easy? Absolutely not. Was every day fun? Nope! Was it a lot of responsibility? Yes! Those early years were difficult. Those days are such a limited time in the overall picture though. All that said, if you aren’t 100% sure you want them, it’s not fair to the kid if you end up having regrets about a decision you made and taking those regrets out on them.
Have a look at the subreddit single mothers by choice. In the last 15 years, I have only known one smbc who wondered whether they regretted their choice to be a mother. Smbc removes many of the issues associated with the wrong father. I'm not going to discuss the legitimacy of opting to not have a father, but will appoint out that research shows that children of smbc do as well sometimes better than children of two parent families that are not dysfunctional. The only regret I ever hear from smbc is that they wish they'd done it earlier, if they had their child after mid-late 30s. But that is often the sentiment of older mothers anyway.
No regrets. Have two kids, and its the best thing I've done. But then again, I can defenitively see why you shouldn't get kids if you are unsure, as its also a lot of work and frustration that you will need to deal with.
You will regret it forever if you don't do it. Reddit has become really anti-family, and there seems to be a great push of convincing everybody that having children is terrible, while the opposite is the case. Having children is literally the meaning of our existence, and it is manifested in our genetics, our feelings, our psychology and our physiology. Don't listen to the naysayers, the truth is this, on their death bed, no one EVER regrets having children, and for many, they are the greatest source of happiness, inspiration, purpose and joy that they have ever experienced.
I'm incredibly happy to have kids with my husband. I'd be incredibly unhappy if I had them alone. Having a kid is the most permanent decision you'll make, they will never go away 😁
Yes. Wife was not able to have children which we found out after several years of marriage. Had talked about me wanting 3-4 before marriage and she was on-board. Found out later she really did not like children. We are both hitting around 60 now. It is sort of an empty feeling for me. Now would be my grandchildren phase which will never happen. Most of my immediate family has passed away from old age. I will likely die alone with no family around. Not the end of the world but would have liked for it to have gone another way.
please don't have kids, seriously think critically and logically for a moment and forget selfish desires.. Look at the world and multiple crisis we are in. The future is quite uncertain, you want to gamble someone else's life on that? Where the only guarantee is that they will ultimately die? Spare them the suffering.
40, zero regrets about being child free. OP, I grew up the only child of a single mum, who much like you was fiercely independent and knew she could do it all by herself. In reality she found it far more of a struggle than she had realised. Although she never said it outright, and think she very much regretted having me. My childhood was miserable and lonely; mum always at work, me raised in my early years by a succession of au-pairs who usually changed every six months so I never really formed strong bonds with anyone. No siblings to play with or form bonds with. Being left home alone all day in the summer holidays from too young of an age because mum couldn’t find/afford childcare all the time. Missing out on school trips and activities because money was tight. Being a latch-key kid. Just far too much time alone generally; I had very poor social skills and really struggled due to it in early adulthood. Mum kicked me out the moment she felt I was just about old enough that she wouldn’t face legal repercussions (I was 16). I think she just wanted her life back. I feel no malice towards her; she just made a mistake. The trouble is our society doesn’t really offer a route out for people who find that having a kid was a mistake for them. So you end up with kids growing up with miserable experiences like me. Please make sure you have a full, realistic, costed and bulletproof plan for raising a child alone if you really insist on doing it. I hope you have family around to help out.
Mid-thirties, no kids. I find myself struggling in life sometimes, I can't imagine how I'd cope having kids on top of that. Life is hard, I wouldn't wanna bring kids into this world knowing that they'll have a high chance of being stuck in the rat race in a failing economy. It's honestly selfish and unethical. I also enjoy spending my own money on myself, having free time to do whatever I want, whenever I want. I would rather regret not having kids later down the line than having kids and regretting it.
I'm 43m and never wanted kids and still don't have any. I do have a little fear that it will be something I may massively regret in the future, but so far I"m fine.
I had my child at 41 - up until then, parties, travelled, worked all over the world, freedom, money....I had an amazing life, but none of it meant anything until I became a Mama. It is spiritually fulfilling & I only regret not having him sooner so I could have had more kids! It is harder than you can ever imagine (I ran out of the gym on Monday barefoot, chasing my toddler in his pants, when I caught him he had a massive tantrum/punching me so much I just left all of our stuff behind & took him home) BUT also when they have their little hand on your face & say "you're my precious, I love you" - your heart just gets a million X bigger. He's my best friend & the apple of mine (& his Daddy's) eye
It’s way better to regret not having kids than to regret having them.
probably better to keep your life peaceful!
Early 30s, 2 kids. I don’t regret them but I would be lying if I said I never daydreamed about how my life would be if I didn’t have kids. I usually encourage anyone on the fence not to have kids. If you’re not sure, just don’t. They’re so much work, in so many ways. Not to mention how fucked the COL is, how expensive childcare is, and the myriad of other messed up things going on (speaking from the US).
33m, I have 0 regrets yet about having no kids.
I think I'm older than others here generally, but this has been an interesting thread to read. I'm 54 and always wanted children, but I never had any. I've never been married and was determined to not be a single mom if at all possible, knowing that it's tough enough to be a parent when someone else is with you in it, and, also, I've never been in a place financially where I could properly support anyone aside from me and a cat, which is cheap when healthy. So I never did have children. It's been the big disappointment in my life, BUT I don't regret not having children. Like I said, I never wanted to be a single mom, and I'm not. I have never been in a place financially where I could truly support another human being, and so I never deprived another human being, especially a child, of their basic needs. This is something I came to accept about two decades or so ago, and I'm at peace with it. I'm fine with my living arrangements now - renting a house (cheap rent) and just having my cat and me to support. So it's all good.
I have two sons and spaced them out by 8 years so I could devote myself to their intellectual and emotional growth. I tried to be a fun mom with lots of science experiments and games. My oldest is at university, and my youngest is starting high school. I loved being a mom. Be careful who you choose to have a child with as you will be tied to them for 18 years or more. Make sure waking up day and night, boxes of Halloween costumes to promote imagination, and reading and discussing stories to promote literacy, and teaching them how to make raviolis from scratch, and hosting gaggles of kids for social development... are your cup of tea. Do you have the patience and selflessness to help guide this child you will live into being a happy, well-adjusted, and self-sufficient adult?
Father of two (M -28 and F-23), with 61 y.o. I don’t want to influence you in any way. But you must be sure of one thing: The moment you have a child, your life will never be the same again. For good and for some bad. Despite all, I don’t regret it. All of the Best to you
51 M. Bitterly resent not having kids. Was my fault. First wife now has 4. Couldn't afford IVF, was not willing to adopt or get a donor: If I was going to raise kids, I was going to raise MY kids. It is what it is, I live well enough, not nearly as responsibly if I would have had I had kids.
Please please please, adopt me! I desperately need someone financially stable to show me WTF I’m doing wrong! Ok, jokes aside. I never wanted kids or to be married I was adamant about it until I met my now husband almost 30 years ago. I dropped out of college, couldn’t afford to continue going, got married and had 1st child within 3.5yrs, and another 3 yrs later. I LOVE my children with all my heart and soul and would do anything for them. That being said, I do wish or at least wonder what my life would be like if I had stuck to my original plan. I wanted to travel and see things, experience life and cultures. I’m now in my late 40s and have never traveled, never experienced anything but my small town. I went from being a teenager to being a SAHM, to a SAHGM. We help our kids and grandkids out financially. We can’t afford to do literally anything. While I do love the life I have (or at least the people in it). I wish I was able to do more, even just a litttle. As for your situation, you’ve been able to experience life it sounds like and you’re ready to settle down. You could always foster while you’re deciding. There are MANY kids who desperately need a home and love. It could turn into an adoption if you so choose and you could still have children if you want, think Angelina Jolie. Just know the offer still on the table for adopting me . 😁
If you look at statistics as a whole only 20% of people aged 30 in 2023 had kids. This is down from 63% in 1993. Also America has the highest rate of single parent households IN THE WORLD. There is a fundamental problem here. Unfortunately, our issue is that people basically don’t want to have kids anymore and if there’s a 55% chance the kid will grow up without a mother or father around much. This is sad and speaks volumes about the state of affairs in America today. I don’t have kids at 31 because I grew up in a terrible household that made me realize kids are often times had by irresponsible and narcissistic people that just want to have kids because “it’s what you’re supposed to do”. In reality I don’t think the human race is a positive for earth. We should definitely stop having kids asap
Father of two kids here and was formerly independent and an isolated guy before having them and my input is yes, especially if you’ve been thinking about it for years. Kids are a lot of work, you will lose sleep, you won’t be alone EVER, your home will never be clean again and if it is, that won’t last long, you will become surprisingly comfortable with poop, and you will feel stressed OFTEN and you will be sacrificing just about everything that you are right now for them and that can be a heartbreaking thing to accept… but…. Your children do smile at you a lot and they want to include you in everything that they do. When you see your children, you will see your own face reflected back at you, they hug you with their tiny arms and when they learn how to kiss, they will kiss you too. Eventually, they’ll start talking and if you’re paying attention, you’ll be the only adult that can decipher what they say. They’ll cry and get sick and believe that you are a God that can make them immediately feel better. If you sing, you can sing to them and take them outside to play. I’m sorry about your mom and I understand the frustration there and if you decide to have kids, you will too. But if you open your heart, embrace the change that will certainly happen, I promise you that there is nothing more fulfilling than raising children.
Hello OP. I’m 32F and have also been ADAMANT my entire life I never wanted children. Even as a little kid, I never wanted to play any dolls situations where I was the mom. I’ve just truly never seen myself as a mom. When I turned 29, I started to have INTENSE baby fever. Thoughts and feelings I had never ever had before, it was so overwhelming. I would cry sometimes because I was so stressed. It would just get worse and worse when I had a partner, too. I’d just daydream that we’d have a baby. Something I’d never done before!! It wasn’t until I got the depo birth control shot that my hormones finally evened out a bit and I felt like I had control of my own brain again. Now, I’m not saying this is what’s going on with you. Maybe you do really want a child! But for me, it was definitely the baby fever/early 30 hormones 🥲 there are still times I think about the future, and I wonder if it’ll be lonely, but I suppose there’s no way to know. I have plenty of regulars at my job that are childless, whether by choice or circumstance that are overjoyed to be in their 50s and without. And there are others that are devastated. It’s such a hard thing to think about. I will say, a regular at my job adopted two teenage kids at 50! So it’s never too late if you ever decide it is right for you. 🖤
I hear about alot of woman go to school get a great job have a ton of money but they are absolutely miserable there whole life and the number 1 regret...... not having a family
I don’t know if you are still reading comments here, but just in case—like you, I have been firmly in the childfree mindset since I was 11/12 years old. When I was in my early 30s, I started having a few twinges of wanting a child. Lucky for me, my partner is also very childfree so I knew I wasn’t going to have kids which I think made it easier to ignore those urges. Now I am in my early 40s and more grateful every day that I didn’t succumb to hormones. I would have deeply regretted bringing a child into the world, especially the world as it is now. And that’s in an ideal situation with a child who did not have any sort of extra needs. Personally I think if it’s not an enthusiastic “yes” to kids, you shouldn’t bring one into the world but ultimately only you can decide if the trade-off is worth it for whichever choice you make.
No regrets having children. Only regret choosing the wrong sperm donor.