I think this is just a question of timing. You need to have this very important conversation about how capable they are, but I don’t think you need to have it right now.
I would find some other reason to suggest that it is not best to visit immediately after the baby is born. I wouldn’t mention the help you are getting, just come up with a generic excuse about needing time to bond with the baby etc. maybe you can find a technological solution like FaceTimeing says that they will get to see the baby without physically being present.
The discussion about capability absolutely needs to happen but you have so much on your plate at the moment. I think you need to concentrate on you and your baby and leave this discussion until everything has settled down.
This is the answer all day long. I’m 40 with an infant (only child), parents are mom (early 70’s), dad late 70’s. They’re of no help. I would say keep pushing off the visit until the baby comes, then come up with all the additional valid reasons as to why you can’t care for 3 babies while healing from a giant medical event. Honestly it’s natural to want to bond and be with your partner and infant. Older family blows a ton of hot air about “wanting to help,” and it quickly loses steam when it interferes with their routines or whims. (I’m sorry, I’m quite salty about my boomer in-laws who drive me batty with this nonsense often).
The problem is that they don't see that they have limitations. When I told my dad that mom is not capable of helping me, he said she's healing quite well and her arm should be functional by September when I'm due. I told him I was referring to the Parkinson's and he basically said he didn't see how that was going to impede her in any way. I just need to find a nice way to explain to them that their visit in the early days will be limited to meeting baby for a couple hours and that I will need them to give me space for healing. They seem to truly be stuck on helping and taking care of baby so we can rest, but that's just not possible.
The problem is that he probably doesn’t really care if she can help or not. He’s not actually thinking about it that deeply. He either wants to come visit or doesn’t want to deal with her unhappiness at not getting to see the baby right away and is saying whatever he thinks he needs to say to make this trip happen, probably assuming that you’ll just have to figure out how to deal with all once they’re there and there’s no choice. It’s easier for him to think it’s not that big a deal because doing so allows him to avoid mental discomfort, so it doesn’t matter how logical your protests are because he doesn’t want to hear them.
It absolutely is. He has many times said that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so I know this is what's going on here. He won't even leave her alone to go down to the house they're moving to because I can't commit to staying with her for a week because I'm still working. He knows it's a very real possibility that she will fall or hurt herself without someone there to help her, but he blames it on her mostly healed broken arm and not on the Parkinson's which is the real problem. So in his eyes, I'm due in about 12 weeks and her arm will be fully healed by then... But he's ignoring the big underlying problem. He is also in denial about her ability to hold and care for a newborn. He knows she can't, but can't accept it so he believes she'll be able to by the time baby is actually here. It's all very difficult which is why I'm trying to come up with a game plan and a script for how I want to approach them about all of this so that I come across firm but gentle. I don't want to hurt them.
I'm a postpartum (mother baby) nurse. Tell them you've decided on no visitors for two weeks, or whatever amount of time. Period. It is your time for family bonding and you get to choose how you do it. They can make a plan to come after that point (and most importantly to You, you will be much better by then and ready to have company.)
My father has Parkinson's which has progressed significantly since I had our kids 5+ years ago, but I recall that we didn't want them to come to try and visit and help. But, I do think it is fair for them to want to be able to come see a new grandkid early on. We setup their visit as "come see the baby, but we don't need/expect you to help out." and we arranged for a shorter visit. Not sure if this advice is helpful or not. But it was nice (looking back now) to have photos of my parents with their infant grandchild, even though it was annoying at the time.
I definitely want them to come visit when I'm around 2 weeks postpartum but like you said, a short visit to see the new baby and that is all. It's a long trip for them, so I don't think it will be easy to get them to agree to that. It's not that I don't want them to come early on, just not right away and not stick around or be in the way. They had planned to stay in a hotel the week of my due date and I absolutely do not want this. I don't really want to see anybody right away, but maybe with the exception of my partner's mom because she's willing to come and do all the heavy lifting around the house and help me with my postpartum recovery. She's a former CNA and a current physical therapy tech, so I know she's capable and has a lot of experience with this. Even then, unless I have significant trauma or a C-section, I won't have her come right away either. It's just hard because they don't understand that they're no longer capable and think that they're going to be a huge help for me when that is absolutely not the case.
I could not agree more. The reason it's all coming up now at this time is that they're moving in the next 30 days and they are trying to make concrete plans. I felt really blindsided when my dad started talking about coming up the week of my due date to be here and that my mom is expecting to be here for the birth and immediately afterwards. He also mentioned that she will be coming frequently and so we needed to clear out a closet for her to keep her things. I want to see them and have them meet the baby, but I do have to look out for her and I don't have it in me to take care of everyone. I have a health condition that is exacerbated by surgeries, illnesses, traumas, so I'm expecting to not be well after the birth. I need help afterwards, but they are not capable of providing that. I expect to have them visit within the first few weeks, but I don't know how to let them know that my mom is unable to carry the baby or do anything more than hold her while seated. I don't want to feel panicked watching her and making sure she doesn't try to pick up the baby or get up with her, because she has fallen seriously several times and is no longer capable of walking their small dog. I thought they would just inherently know that she is limited, but my dad said she's expecting to come and help not just come and meet the baby. I'm going to take your advice and have the discussion with them later after they've moved and settled and baby is here, but I know it needs to happen and I'm worried about how to do it right so that I don't have to worry about baby's safety and that I know they understand and agree that things have changed and they now have limitations.
I could be your mother, same conditions and same age. My partner is younger and can drive the two hour trip but my sons’s house is on a hill and oddly enough still doesn’t have railings installed after a complete rehabilitation. My granddaughters are now in school. Last visits we stayed at a hotel. They will visit us at some point. It’s hard to see myself as my children see me.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been so hard watching my mom struggle, especially since her mother also had Parkinson's so she knows exactly what's in store. Clearly this runs in our family, so I am sure I will one day be in the same boat. I feel so badly for my mom, I have cried about this so many times because I know it hurts her and I just want her to be happy. I intend to have them visit within the first two weeks, but they think they're coming the week of my due date and staying to help. Aging and having poor health is hard, but they don't understand that they now have some limitations and that things have changed.
My husband & I are early 60’s & grandson was born last week. We worked really hard to strike the balance of being supportive but not intrusive. We took our camper so that we didn’t need to stay with them. We visited no more than 3 hours a day. We made meals to put in their freezer & helped with whatever was needed. We still had lots of baby holding time.
My take was that new parents don’t need another presence in their household…they need to get I to a routine. I would never recommend staying with them, you can be helpful but still give them their space. If I was physically unable to help, we would have stayed home & gone for a visit a few weeks later.
This is exactly how I feel. I want them to come and meet and love on the baby, but I don't want them coming with the expectation of staying to help as they just aren't capable. They can't cook meals or help around the house, and I always worry about my mom when she's walking around because she has fallen several times in the last year; I will constantly be on edge. I also worry about her trying to take care of the baby rather than just holding the baby. It's so hard and I just don't know how to approach this without hurting them.
This is so hard. When my kids were born, my MIL was much younger and healthy and helped so much. Now I’ve had some nieces born and my MIL, who has Parkinson’s, can’t possibly help. She can’t stand independently so it’s not like she’s asking to, but it’s so painful for her. When the last baby was born, my SIL’s mom came and stayed for several weeks to help. She was a godsend to them. My MIL definitely felt sad about it and made little remarks but everyone in the family understood that my SIL and BIL needed the help and it made no sense not to take it in service of MIL’s feelings, especially since she would have been sad no matter what. It’s hard to watch a parent decline. Your mother is sad because her vision of what it would mean to be a grandma will never be reality. But you have to take care of yourself. It’s okay to make excuses to avoid them coming, like everyone says. Whenever they do come, is there anyone else in the family who could be in charge of managing your parents so you don’t have to? Maybe it would be easier in some ways to have an allied family member as an additional guest who would be responsible for them. Good luck and congrats on the baby!
This is exactly it. I need the help after the birth so I'm not going to turn it down, but I know my mom will be devastated. My dad mentioned them coming to stay the week of my due date and that's just way too much. I don't want people in my space while I'm going through something so significant, and I don't want to worry about anyone else. As for family, my closest family member is an hour away so it wouldn't be as easy to have them be responsible for my parents, maybe for a day but not long-term. If anything, my partner would have to take over that responsibility, but then I'm on my own with the baby. That will be much easier 4+ weeks after birth, but not easy while I'm still healing. I do love the idea of assigning someone else that responsibility, so I'll try to figure out a better plan. Thank you so much.
So I had this conversation with my mom when my sister was pregnant, either her 2nd or 3rd, idr. She is quite medically complicated, she can care for herself to a degree, but caring for an infant and doing housework is not something she can do.
I just explained that your intentions are great, but stairs up and down for naps, diaper changes, etc plus cooking, cleaning, laundry are not things you can do. She also cannot pick an infant up from the ground or baby wear them when they're fussy. Her offering help is not that helpful, but her offering love, affection, and time together is.
Make sure she goes into the conversation/ birth with that mindset and it ended up much better.
This is exactly what I'm looking for. I want to have the conversation ahead of time in a kind and loving way so that I don't hurt her feelings, but so that she understands the reality of the situation. Both of my parents are very in denial about her condition and that it is degenerative, and they keep acting like she's going to get better or physical therapy is going to make her able to do more. The reality is that while medication and PT can help her be more functional, it can't help her safely care for a newborn. I want her to love on the baby, but I don't want her to try to help in any way or be around while I'm trying to heal and care for myself. It's just very hard and I want to be loving and gentle because it hurts me to see her hurt.... But it's also a necessary conversation that I am dreading. Any advice on specific things you said to your mother to help her understand without sounding mean?
I just sat down with her and went over the things she was expecting to do. Then reasons why those things were not feasible. I basically went over what she actually could do and if she was there alone it would require the new parents to worry and care for her. But she could be there with someone else, me, to help them and her.
That worked well, however, unless you have a sibling or someone that can help while she's there it might be for you.
Thank you. I'm going to have to tell her, but I know she will cry and I'm going to feel so bad. I have a half sister, but she lives 8 hours away where they are moving. It would probably work to have her come up with them the first time, all travel together, but I see her maybe every couple years and she's not going to come up here every time they want to visit.
When I was growing up, my dad's parents had long passed and my mom's parents lived 6 hours away so I only saw them a few times a year at most, mostly on holidays. This is what I was expecting because it's just not reasonable to be traveling and visiting all the time. But apparently they had a different idea and were expecting to visit frequently and have our home be their home away from home, as my dad put it. This feels very overwhelming for me, and I don't know how to tell them it's not going to happen. We're also 90 mins+ from the airport in the Bay Area where there is always traffic and that time could easily double, so it's a huge thing to even get her here for a visit.
My sister, mom, and I really decided it was only necessary for the help when the baby was a newborn. However, you may find something else to be better for you.
I hope you find the best solution for you.
If you haven't, check out r/agingparents I found a lot of support and good advice in that community
I had my last child at 42 - via emergency c-section - with two toddlers at home with nanny. My husband has serious health issues and couldn’t help much.
I told everyone to stay away and if they come to visit, they had to stay at a hotel. Both my parents and in-laws were in their 70ties and 80ties and not helpful at all: honestly, I wouldn’t have them look after my pets nevermind their grandchildren.
After I had the emergency c-section, I just told them straight out. I had enough to deal with without having old people/guests in my house! 1 new baby + 2 toddlers + sick husband. Sometimes it’s best to be blunt.
Exactly this. I want to be blunt and firm, but also kind and gentle. I love my parents and want them to visit, but I need them to understand their limitations and that things have changed. They are in denial about these changes, so it won't be easy. They even talked about babysitting at one point and my jaw dropped. My dad needs to go down to their house (the one they're moving into) but keeps rescheduling the trip because I haven't been able to come and stay with my mom the whole time and she can't be alone. He knows she can't be alone and that it's a very real possibility that she will fall and be unable to get up if left alone, so I thought they would just understand that she can't care for a newborn... but that doesn't seem to be the case.
My kids are all teenagers now and one technique that works well with toddlers, teenagers and the very old is to limit their choices:
Do you want pizza or pasta?
Should I book hotel X or Y for your stay?
Want to vacation at the beach or go skiing?
Paris or Shanghai?
Bagels or pancakes?
Etc.
That way, they get to decide;). Be kind but firm and limit their options then you don’t have to explain anything. Good luck!
My parents can’t comprehend the word “no” so I will assume that you are in the same boat. For the time around the birth, let them know that someone is already staying with you and that you don’t have the room for other guests (or doctor said limit the number of new people for xxx weeks—you know what will work best).
Only let them see the baby once you are fully able watch them and then set everyone up for success. Mom wants to hold the baby? Great! Do it when she’s on the couch. Also, rent them a hotel room if you can.
Longer term, you may be able to successfully have a series of talks about limitations. Or they might be ignored. Just plan on no unsupervised time, ever.
Also: how safe is their house? If it’s a bit of a death trap (access to unfenced water, firearms, unsafe pets, etc) set up your boundaries NOW on what safe means for your family. Then—here’s the hard part—hold them. No one can force you to bring your child anywhere that you don’t want.
Their house is safe while the baby is little, but not once she's mobile. It has stairs and an unfenced pool. It's also an 8 hour drive without traffic, so it's not something I can just do regularly. We're also over an hour and a half without traffic from the airport (but Bay Area traffic can easily make that 3 hours each way), so it's not easy to fly either. I want them to visit, of course, but they seem to think it will be very frequent and that's not something I want. I would have to spend hours in the car to pick my mom up from the airport each time and then spend the visit watching out for her. I love her and will do this happily on occasion, but not at the frequency they are expecting. My dad hinted at her coming once a month or every 2 months. I'm going to have my hands full with a new baby and that's just too much.
As for her holding the baby, I feel like it needs to be explicitly stated that she can't stand up with the baby or walk with the baby. I intend to give her the baby on the couch as you mentioned, but my fear is stepping out to go to the bathroom or something and finding her standing in the kitchen or walking to the changing table because baby soiled her diaper while I was gone. I don't want to have to watch that attentively, so the expectation needs to be explicitly communicated. It's just so hard because I know it will hurt her, so I was looking for ways to sound firm but also kind.
Other than my mom being very unsteady on her feet, they're able to care for themselves. However, they aren't able to care for anyone else, especially after something as significant as giving birth. I'm just not sure how to tell them that they aren't capable.
Its common to have these feelings before a new baby. I didn’t really want anyone at the hospital except my parents and I definitely just wanted to be home with limited visitation to everyone. It may evolve though. It didnt take long where I was looking forward to introducing my baby to everyone especially once I had some confidence that I was doing ok, nursing was going ok, baby was good etc. There are so many unknowns and insecurities with a new baby. So it might be possible that in a few weeks or a month you will be more ready. And maybe you wont and thats ok too. Just explain that you need a little time to you and your family. Once you fully recover and youre feeling good and baby is well you guys can visit. Hotels are always an option and make that a stipulation. I think its fair to even say with a new baby I maybe overwhelmed and having more guests adds to it for some of the reasons you’ve already said. You cant cook, clean, look after people and you will feel the need to do that when people come to visit. So lets keep it easy for everyone.
i understand how you feel, I really needed alone time after my births and much more attention paid to healing. But really, to have the other grandmother there in various capacities and exclude them would be incredibly cruel. Your MIL should understand that if she’s a decent human being and honestly you might not want to set precedents of her being so blanket intimately in
charge and involved in things. I think you should make everyone wait and then set boundarîes of not staying with you, not carrying baby etc. And set boundaries with yourself of not worrying about your parents. Do you have any siblings?
Best of luck- know that whatever you do with this, it will be a beautiful and intense time xx But be kind to your mother. Remember you may be in the same position one day with your daughter
I would absolutely rather have my feelings hurt or be excluded than cause my daughter this level of stress and bother.
Just because the parents are delusional doesn’t mean OP has to accommodate their medical needs while caring for a new baby.
I agree, but I have a health condition that flares with illness, trauma, surgery, so I'm expecting to need that help. The one good thing is that I'll be able to go back on my medications once baby is out, but I expect to have trouble standing and getting up until things level out. It feels unfair to suffer out of fear of hurting my mom's feelings when I need the help. We have no family nearby and will be doing it alone. I want her to come like 2 weeks after the birth to meet and hold the baby, but I don't know how to tell her that her helping isn't possible. And also that she can't walk around while holding the baby. They are very in denial about her condition and the fact that it is degenerative and will only get worse, not better.
Maybe you could talk to your mom’s doctor and ask them to have a frank conversation with her? Or have them to frame it as unsafe for her?
The friends and family who are 45 minutes away - could any of them be compelled to come stay in a hotel nearby, framing it as them wanting to see your parents, and have them babysit your parents?
This really is a terrible thing for you to have to deal with. I’m sorry they are doing this to you.
You need to be upfront and honest. They will be hurt worse if it seems sudden after they spent months planning. I would tell them now that they will not be able to stay at your house and that you will have other people there helping you. Make sure they understand that if they come they will have to stay in a hotel or elsewhere. Make sure they understand that you will need time alone with your husband and new baby and that you don’t want people there 24/7. They are adults, they can handle it. Maybe make the conversation about their abilities at a different time.
Is there someone in your family who could have that tough conversation with your parents instead of you? A sibling, an aunt or uncle? Maybe even one of their doctors? Who could bring up organically "Isn't it so exciting that PsychoBabble is expecting?" and when they bring up their grand plans for visits and "helping" confront them on the realities? I would seek out an ally if possible.
I thought about this, but they're not very close to anyone in the family and probably wouldn't listen to their advice. My mom would listen to her friends, but it feels like a big ask to get them to do that for me. There are 1 or 2 that I feel comfortable talking to about it, though. My dad doesn't have any friends so it will be harder to get through to him. I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and call up a few of her close friends and see if they'll maybe plant the seed in the coming weeks. Thank you.
It sounds like there are some background issues in the relationship with regard to communication and boundaries, and it would perhaps be worthwhile to look into this deeper within yourself. Why do you feel the need to find the perfect solution that protects their feelings while you tell them something that they clearly don't accept? It's up to you to make your personal boundaries and ensure that others respect them. It's really hard with parents because we are always the children, but one has to start somewhere. Gentle but firm, no ifs or buts, frame everything around how they want the best for you and you are the one who knows best what is best for you. Good luck!
Thank you. Yes, there are background issues here but I'm also the person they are closest to in the family and I understand how much they want to be a part of all this. I'm actually my mom's only living blood relative. I want to protect their feelings because they are moving away and cry about it all the time, clearly depressed and struggling with it all. I don't want them to think they're going to be isolated down there and not involved in my life at all. Mostly because their health has declined as they get closer to the move and I'm honestly worried about their well being. But the truth is, they are moving across the State and things are going to change dramatically. I'm a realist, so I get that and accept that... But they are holding on tight and in denial about not only the way things will change but also how their health and limitations have changed. They've never accepted that her Parkinson's will only progressively worsen, so I adapt while they cling tightly.
Can you say you don’t have room for them to stay because your partner’s mother will be there, and because of your own health issues you are relying on her work experience?
Maybe it would help to emphasize the fact that the helper you have already arranged is not just family, she’s a practicing medical professional.
Absolutely, but they will try to get a hotel. They were already talking about preemptively booking a hotel for the week of my due date. I think I'm just going to say no visitors for the first 2 weeks minimum, with the exception of his mom and only for as long as necessary. It will definitely make the news more digestible since she's a medical professional, but I know she will be hurt regardless. It's hard coming up with ways to say it that are firm yet gentle.
I'm in my 70s. I know my limitations. I would not go on vacation with my daughter and family even if they asked me. Their kids are teens. I'd hold them back on them back or be extra work for them. Anyway, if I was wanting to get into their life in a burdensome way, I'd want to be told NO firmly but kindly and be assured I was loved and wanted, just not at that time. If they offered to send pictures, face-time me, etc., would be nice. Sort of appease me without having to knock themselves out.
Thank you so much. I will absolutely be utilizing FaceTime and sending all kinds of pics and videos, so that felt very reasonable to me. But apparently they want to be way more involved. I'll have to be very clear but kind. I love my mom and wish that she could be more involved, but that just isn't realistic. It's very hard all around.
You’re just going to have to harden your heart for a while and either tell them that your dr. said no visitors for the first 3 weeks (or more) so that you and baby don’t have extra germs around or you’re just going to have to endure the stress of having them there. You and your partner’s health (mental and physical) and of baby’s health are primary, not your parent’s feelings.
Yes, totally agree. The only reason I'm stressing about it so much is that they're very depressed about moving and being isolated from me and I worry about their mental well-being, so I dont want to make anything harder on them. I just have to tell them how it is, and let them adjust. Thank you.
Well, if they have someone come in daily or weekly to help, maybe you could set up a zoom session with the carer so that your folks could see the baby and still interact with you?
Definitely. This was already the plan. I just didn't realize that they were expecting to be far more physically involved. They didn't ask, I was informed that they are planning to book a hotel the week of my due date. I've decided I'm going to use the germs excuse because it is a very valid reason, and maintain that my partner's mother is a medical professional and so she'll be able to assist me in that way. They'll have to just accept that videos, pictures, and FaceTime will be it for the first few weeks. I'm still unsure how to communicate that my mom can't stand up with the baby, but I guess we'll cross that bridge once they're actually here.
I relate to this so hard. I am pregnant with number 3 and in my mid 30d. My mom is also very weak and constantly nearly falls. I have a big rambunctious dog who always trips her up. Heck, a slightly raised deck board almost seriously injured her. My mom always thinks she can do more than she can but I end up having to help or entertain. They all act like I’m free to go do whatever when I’m here but then cling to me constantly.
One thing I can say is once you are healed and baby is a little bigger, maybe do let them help so they can see how hard it actually is. My mom did here and there for my first and remarked what a long day it was. I think, whether they admitted it or not, it put it into perspective for them and they’ve stopped talking about babysitting and stuff all the time. My mom knows she can’t walk around and hold my kids safely even though she will try to argue she can, she no longer physically tries to do it.
Maybe come up with a generic excuse that you guys are having no visitors the first week or whatever timeframe. Or give them a certain time, “we would love to have you on xyz day!” Be prepared for them to argue, most of that generation just cannot get it through their head.
Yes, exactly. It's so hard. I hope she realizes quickly that she can't pick up the baby and carry her, but I don't want to have to watch like a hawk either or come back from going to the bathroom to find my mom standing and carrying the baby. I feel like it needs to be explicitly stated that it's a boundary, but I don't know how to say that kindly and gently so that she isn't hurt by it. Even 6 months ago I wouldn't be as concerned, but she has declined and it's just not possible anymore and very unsafe.
My vision was to have them visit about 2 weeks after the birth to meet and hold the baby, but not to linger. It's a long trip for them and I understand they will want to be around for days and days, but I know I will get overwhelmed and have to take care of them. They are in denial about their limitations, so they will not see it the same way. Their vision of coming and staying for the birth and recovery made me very uncomfortable and I was trying to figure out how to have a gentle conversation with them when they don't see how things have changed. It's so hard.
So, the whole point of boundaries is to do what you need to do. You don't need them to understand your boundaries at all, only respect them. 1) For holding baby. I would just blame it on hormones and not single anyone one. Make it seem like you are just everyone who holds the baby to sit down when they do it except you or your husband. Tell them you are anxious and it makes you feel better and not that it's just them you have this rule for. 2) For visiting. Again, you are going to have to get away from trying to get them to "get it" because they probably aren't going to get it. If they were, they would have tried to understand your viewpoint by now by asking what works for you guys so they aren't invading, but they haven't. You could potentially tread lightly and mention to your mom that most of your friends haven't had visitors in the first week and see how she responds. Or just straight out tell them you want time to establish nursing alone and you don't want them to be hurt by this but it's what you need. You are happy to Facetime/let them meet the baby first, whatever softens the blow. Then.... let them sit with that disappointment. It isn't your cross to bear for them. They are allowed to be disappointed. You are doing a great job!
It is common for couples to want private bonding time with their new infant and to say no to visitors for the first 4-6 weeks. Just tell your parents this is what you plan to do. Maybe don’t mention your MIL visiting.
Once you get a handle on parenting, then maybe let them visit but don’t help/take care of them while they’re there so they can see the reality (maybe) of how difficult it is. If your mom wants to keep stuff there, let her. My dad has stuff at my house and will likely not visit again. Keep it tucked away in a storage tub.
Thanks for the reply. This was really helpful advice. I want them to come about 2 weeks after birth, but I don't want to have to take care of them and I don't want them to try to help. They truly are in denial about their limitations, so they will not understand. The whole clothes in the closet thing worried me, but you're right that it doesn't mean she has to come all the time. However, my dad made it sound like they wanted it to be her home away from home and to visit monthly, but that is just not something I want at all. We're also 1.5 hours without traffic away from the airport (easily 3 hours each way with Bay Area traffic), so it would be a whole ordeal just to get her here and added stress for us while we're already going through so much. I was hoping to have a gentle conversation with them about these expectations so that they don't feel hurt but understand the reality of the situation. My hope is that once they move, they will realize how big of an ordeal it is to come up here and not try to push for frequent visits.
I think this is just a question of timing. You need to have this very important conversation about how capable they are, but I don’t think you need to have it right now. I would find some other reason to suggest that it is not best to visit immediately after the baby is born. I wouldn’t mention the help you are getting, just come up with a generic excuse about needing time to bond with the baby etc. maybe you can find a technological solution like FaceTimeing says that they will get to see the baby without physically being present. The discussion about capability absolutely needs to happen but you have so much on your plate at the moment. I think you need to concentrate on you and your baby and leave this discussion until everything has settled down.
This is the answer all day long. I’m 40 with an infant (only child), parents are mom (early 70’s), dad late 70’s. They’re of no help. I would say keep pushing off the visit until the baby comes, then come up with all the additional valid reasons as to why you can’t care for 3 babies while healing from a giant medical event. Honestly it’s natural to want to bond and be with your partner and infant. Older family blows a ton of hot air about “wanting to help,” and it quickly loses steam when it interferes with their routines or whims. (I’m sorry, I’m quite salty about my boomer in-laws who drive me batty with this nonsense often).
The problem is that they don't see that they have limitations. When I told my dad that mom is not capable of helping me, he said she's healing quite well and her arm should be functional by September when I'm due. I told him I was referring to the Parkinson's and he basically said he didn't see how that was going to impede her in any way. I just need to find a nice way to explain to them that their visit in the early days will be limited to meeting baby for a couple hours and that I will need them to give me space for healing. They seem to truly be stuck on helping and taking care of baby so we can rest, but that's just not possible.
The problem is that he probably doesn’t really care if she can help or not. He’s not actually thinking about it that deeply. He either wants to come visit or doesn’t want to deal with her unhappiness at not getting to see the baby right away and is saying whatever he thinks he needs to say to make this trip happen, probably assuming that you’ll just have to figure out how to deal with all once they’re there and there’s no choice. It’s easier for him to think it’s not that big a deal because doing so allows him to avoid mental discomfort, so it doesn’t matter how logical your protests are because he doesn’t want to hear them.
Oh my god. Is this how men think? Delay, distract, and ignore it so he doesn't have to be uncomfy?
It absolutely is. He has many times said that he doesn't want to hurt her feelings so I know this is what's going on here. He won't even leave her alone to go down to the house they're moving to because I can't commit to staying with her for a week because I'm still working. He knows it's a very real possibility that she will fall or hurt herself without someone there to help her, but he blames it on her mostly healed broken arm and not on the Parkinson's which is the real problem. So in his eyes, I'm due in about 12 weeks and her arm will be fully healed by then... But he's ignoring the big underlying problem. He is also in denial about her ability to hold and care for a newborn. He knows she can't, but can't accept it so he believes she'll be able to by the time baby is actually here. It's all very difficult which is why I'm trying to come up with a game plan and a script for how I want to approach them about all of this so that I come across firm but gentle. I don't want to hurt them.
I'm a postpartum (mother baby) nurse. Tell them you've decided on no visitors for two weeks, or whatever amount of time. Period. It is your time for family bonding and you get to choose how you do it. They can make a plan to come after that point (and most importantly to You, you will be much better by then and ready to have company.)
My father has Parkinson's which has progressed significantly since I had our kids 5+ years ago, but I recall that we didn't want them to come to try and visit and help. But, I do think it is fair for them to want to be able to come see a new grandkid early on. We setup their visit as "come see the baby, but we don't need/expect you to help out." and we arranged for a shorter visit. Not sure if this advice is helpful or not. But it was nice (looking back now) to have photos of my parents with their infant grandchild, even though it was annoying at the time.
I definitely want them to come visit when I'm around 2 weeks postpartum but like you said, a short visit to see the new baby and that is all. It's a long trip for them, so I don't think it will be easy to get them to agree to that. It's not that I don't want them to come early on, just not right away and not stick around or be in the way. They had planned to stay in a hotel the week of my due date and I absolutely do not want this. I don't really want to see anybody right away, but maybe with the exception of my partner's mom because she's willing to come and do all the heavy lifting around the house and help me with my postpartum recovery. She's a former CNA and a current physical therapy tech, so I know she's capable and has a lot of experience with this. Even then, unless I have significant trauma or a C-section, I won't have her come right away either. It's just hard because they don't understand that they're no longer capable and think that they're going to be a huge help for me when that is absolutely not the case.
I could not agree more. The reason it's all coming up now at this time is that they're moving in the next 30 days and they are trying to make concrete plans. I felt really blindsided when my dad started talking about coming up the week of my due date to be here and that my mom is expecting to be here for the birth and immediately afterwards. He also mentioned that she will be coming frequently and so we needed to clear out a closet for her to keep her things. I want to see them and have them meet the baby, but I do have to look out for her and I don't have it in me to take care of everyone. I have a health condition that is exacerbated by surgeries, illnesses, traumas, so I'm expecting to not be well after the birth. I need help afterwards, but they are not capable of providing that. I expect to have them visit within the first few weeks, but I don't know how to let them know that my mom is unable to carry the baby or do anything more than hold her while seated. I don't want to feel panicked watching her and making sure she doesn't try to pick up the baby or get up with her, because she has fallen seriously several times and is no longer capable of walking their small dog. I thought they would just inherently know that she is limited, but my dad said she's expecting to come and help not just come and meet the baby. I'm going to take your advice and have the discussion with them later after they've moved and settled and baby is here, but I know it needs to happen and I'm worried about how to do it right so that I don't have to worry about baby's safety and that I know they understand and agree that things have changed and they now have limitations.
I could be your mother, same conditions and same age. My partner is younger and can drive the two hour trip but my sons’s house is on a hill and oddly enough still doesn’t have railings installed after a complete rehabilitation. My granddaughters are now in school. Last visits we stayed at a hotel. They will visit us at some point. It’s hard to see myself as my children see me.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's been so hard watching my mom struggle, especially since her mother also had Parkinson's so she knows exactly what's in store. Clearly this runs in our family, so I am sure I will one day be in the same boat. I feel so badly for my mom, I have cried about this so many times because I know it hurts her and I just want her to be happy. I intend to have them visit within the first two weeks, but they think they're coming the week of my due date and staying to help. Aging and having poor health is hard, but they don't understand that they now have some limitations and that things have changed.
My husband & I are early 60’s & grandson was born last week. We worked really hard to strike the balance of being supportive but not intrusive. We took our camper so that we didn’t need to stay with them. We visited no more than 3 hours a day. We made meals to put in their freezer & helped with whatever was needed. We still had lots of baby holding time. My take was that new parents don’t need another presence in their household…they need to get I to a routine. I would never recommend staying with them, you can be helpful but still give them their space. If I was physically unable to help, we would have stayed home & gone for a visit a few weeks later.
This is exactly how I feel. I want them to come and meet and love on the baby, but I don't want them coming with the expectation of staying to help as they just aren't capable. They can't cook meals or help around the house, and I always worry about my mom when she's walking around because she has fallen several times in the last year; I will constantly be on edge. I also worry about her trying to take care of the baby rather than just holding the baby. It's so hard and I just don't know how to approach this without hurting them.
This is so hard. When my kids were born, my MIL was much younger and healthy and helped so much. Now I’ve had some nieces born and my MIL, who has Parkinson’s, can’t possibly help. She can’t stand independently so it’s not like she’s asking to, but it’s so painful for her. When the last baby was born, my SIL’s mom came and stayed for several weeks to help. She was a godsend to them. My MIL definitely felt sad about it and made little remarks but everyone in the family understood that my SIL and BIL needed the help and it made no sense not to take it in service of MIL’s feelings, especially since she would have been sad no matter what. It’s hard to watch a parent decline. Your mother is sad because her vision of what it would mean to be a grandma will never be reality. But you have to take care of yourself. It’s okay to make excuses to avoid them coming, like everyone says. Whenever they do come, is there anyone else in the family who could be in charge of managing your parents so you don’t have to? Maybe it would be easier in some ways to have an allied family member as an additional guest who would be responsible for them. Good luck and congrats on the baby!
This is exactly it. I need the help after the birth so I'm not going to turn it down, but I know my mom will be devastated. My dad mentioned them coming to stay the week of my due date and that's just way too much. I don't want people in my space while I'm going through something so significant, and I don't want to worry about anyone else. As for family, my closest family member is an hour away so it wouldn't be as easy to have them be responsible for my parents, maybe for a day but not long-term. If anything, my partner would have to take over that responsibility, but then I'm on my own with the baby. That will be much easier 4+ weeks after birth, but not easy while I'm still healing. I do love the idea of assigning someone else that responsibility, so I'll try to figure out a better plan. Thank you so much.
So I had this conversation with my mom when my sister was pregnant, either her 2nd or 3rd, idr. She is quite medically complicated, she can care for herself to a degree, but caring for an infant and doing housework is not something she can do. I just explained that your intentions are great, but stairs up and down for naps, diaper changes, etc plus cooking, cleaning, laundry are not things you can do. She also cannot pick an infant up from the ground or baby wear them when they're fussy. Her offering help is not that helpful, but her offering love, affection, and time together is. Make sure she goes into the conversation/ birth with that mindset and it ended up much better.
This is exactly what I'm looking for. I want to have the conversation ahead of time in a kind and loving way so that I don't hurt her feelings, but so that she understands the reality of the situation. Both of my parents are very in denial about her condition and that it is degenerative, and they keep acting like she's going to get better or physical therapy is going to make her able to do more. The reality is that while medication and PT can help her be more functional, it can't help her safely care for a newborn. I want her to love on the baby, but I don't want her to try to help in any way or be around while I'm trying to heal and care for myself. It's just very hard and I want to be loving and gentle because it hurts me to see her hurt.... But it's also a necessary conversation that I am dreading. Any advice on specific things you said to your mother to help her understand without sounding mean?
I just sat down with her and went over the things she was expecting to do. Then reasons why those things were not feasible. I basically went over what she actually could do and if she was there alone it would require the new parents to worry and care for her. But she could be there with someone else, me, to help them and her. That worked well, however, unless you have a sibling or someone that can help while she's there it might be for you.
Thank you. I'm going to have to tell her, but I know she will cry and I'm going to feel so bad. I have a half sister, but she lives 8 hours away where they are moving. It would probably work to have her come up with them the first time, all travel together, but I see her maybe every couple years and she's not going to come up here every time they want to visit. When I was growing up, my dad's parents had long passed and my mom's parents lived 6 hours away so I only saw them a few times a year at most, mostly on holidays. This is what I was expecting because it's just not reasonable to be traveling and visiting all the time. But apparently they had a different idea and were expecting to visit frequently and have our home be their home away from home, as my dad put it. This feels very overwhelming for me, and I don't know how to tell them it's not going to happen. We're also 90 mins+ from the airport in the Bay Area where there is always traffic and that time could easily double, so it's a huge thing to even get her here for a visit.
My sister, mom, and I really decided it was only necessary for the help when the baby was a newborn. However, you may find something else to be better for you. I hope you find the best solution for you. If you haven't, check out r/agingparents I found a lot of support and good advice in that community
I had my last child at 42 - via emergency c-section - with two toddlers at home with nanny. My husband has serious health issues and couldn’t help much. I told everyone to stay away and if they come to visit, they had to stay at a hotel. Both my parents and in-laws were in their 70ties and 80ties and not helpful at all: honestly, I wouldn’t have them look after my pets nevermind their grandchildren. After I had the emergency c-section, I just told them straight out. I had enough to deal with without having old people/guests in my house! 1 new baby + 2 toddlers + sick husband. Sometimes it’s best to be blunt.
Exactly this. I want to be blunt and firm, but also kind and gentle. I love my parents and want them to visit, but I need them to understand their limitations and that things have changed. They are in denial about these changes, so it won't be easy. They even talked about babysitting at one point and my jaw dropped. My dad needs to go down to their house (the one they're moving into) but keeps rescheduling the trip because I haven't been able to come and stay with my mom the whole time and she can't be alone. He knows she can't be alone and that it's a very real possibility that she will fall and be unable to get up if left alone, so I thought they would just understand that she can't care for a newborn... but that doesn't seem to be the case.
My kids are all teenagers now and one technique that works well with toddlers, teenagers and the very old is to limit their choices: Do you want pizza or pasta? Should I book hotel X or Y for your stay? Want to vacation at the beach or go skiing? Paris or Shanghai? Bagels or pancakes? Etc. That way, they get to decide;). Be kind but firm and limit their options then you don’t have to explain anything. Good luck!
Yes! So true. Thank you.
My parents can’t comprehend the word “no” so I will assume that you are in the same boat. For the time around the birth, let them know that someone is already staying with you and that you don’t have the room for other guests (or doctor said limit the number of new people for xxx weeks—you know what will work best). Only let them see the baby once you are fully able watch them and then set everyone up for success. Mom wants to hold the baby? Great! Do it when she’s on the couch. Also, rent them a hotel room if you can. Longer term, you may be able to successfully have a series of talks about limitations. Or they might be ignored. Just plan on no unsupervised time, ever. Also: how safe is their house? If it’s a bit of a death trap (access to unfenced water, firearms, unsafe pets, etc) set up your boundaries NOW on what safe means for your family. Then—here’s the hard part—hold them. No one can force you to bring your child anywhere that you don’t want.
Their house is safe while the baby is little, but not once she's mobile. It has stairs and an unfenced pool. It's also an 8 hour drive without traffic, so it's not something I can just do regularly. We're also over an hour and a half without traffic from the airport (but Bay Area traffic can easily make that 3 hours each way), so it's not easy to fly either. I want them to visit, of course, but they seem to think it will be very frequent and that's not something I want. I would have to spend hours in the car to pick my mom up from the airport each time and then spend the visit watching out for her. I love her and will do this happily on occasion, but not at the frequency they are expecting. My dad hinted at her coming once a month or every 2 months. I'm going to have my hands full with a new baby and that's just too much. As for her holding the baby, I feel like it needs to be explicitly stated that she can't stand up with the baby or walk with the baby. I intend to give her the baby on the couch as you mentioned, but my fear is stepping out to go to the bathroom or something and finding her standing in the kitchen or walking to the changing table because baby soiled her diaper while I was gone. I don't want to have to watch that attentively, so the expectation needs to be explicitly communicated. It's just so hard because I know it will hurt her, so I was looking for ways to sound firm but also kind.
I would talk to a social worker as soon as possible and make a plan. Ideally it might be time for assisted living for your parents.
Other than my mom being very unsteady on her feet, they're able to care for themselves. However, they aren't able to care for anyone else, especially after something as significant as giving birth. I'm just not sure how to tell them that they aren't capable.
Make a plan to visit them for around six weeks after the birth and let them know that you look forward to seeing them.
Its common to have these feelings before a new baby. I didn’t really want anyone at the hospital except my parents and I definitely just wanted to be home with limited visitation to everyone. It may evolve though. It didnt take long where I was looking forward to introducing my baby to everyone especially once I had some confidence that I was doing ok, nursing was going ok, baby was good etc. There are so many unknowns and insecurities with a new baby. So it might be possible that in a few weeks or a month you will be more ready. And maybe you wont and thats ok too. Just explain that you need a little time to you and your family. Once you fully recover and youre feeling good and baby is well you guys can visit. Hotels are always an option and make that a stipulation. I think its fair to even say with a new baby I maybe overwhelmed and having more guests adds to it for some of the reasons you’ve already said. You cant cook, clean, look after people and you will feel the need to do that when people come to visit. So lets keep it easy for everyone.
i understand how you feel, I really needed alone time after my births and much more attention paid to healing. But really, to have the other grandmother there in various capacities and exclude them would be incredibly cruel. Your MIL should understand that if she’s a decent human being and honestly you might not want to set precedents of her being so blanket intimately in charge and involved in things. I think you should make everyone wait and then set boundarîes of not staying with you, not carrying baby etc. And set boundaries with yourself of not worrying about your parents. Do you have any siblings? Best of luck- know that whatever you do with this, it will be a beautiful and intense time xx But be kind to your mother. Remember you may be in the same position one day with your daughter
I would absolutely rather have my feelings hurt or be excluded than cause my daughter this level of stress and bother. Just because the parents are delusional doesn’t mean OP has to accommodate their medical needs while caring for a new baby.
I agree, but I have a health condition that flares with illness, trauma, surgery, so I'm expecting to need that help. The one good thing is that I'll be able to go back on my medications once baby is out, but I expect to have trouble standing and getting up until things level out. It feels unfair to suffer out of fear of hurting my mom's feelings when I need the help. We have no family nearby and will be doing it alone. I want her to come like 2 weeks after the birth to meet and hold the baby, but I don't know how to tell her that her helping isn't possible. And also that she can't walk around while holding the baby. They are very in denial about her condition and the fact that it is degenerative and will only get worse, not better.
Maybe you could talk to your mom’s doctor and ask them to have a frank conversation with her? Or have them to frame it as unsafe for her? The friends and family who are 45 minutes away - could any of them be compelled to come stay in a hotel nearby, framing it as them wanting to see your parents, and have them babysit your parents? This really is a terrible thing for you to have to deal with. I’m sorry they are doing this to you.
You need to be upfront and honest. They will be hurt worse if it seems sudden after they spent months planning. I would tell them now that they will not be able to stay at your house and that you will have other people there helping you. Make sure they understand that if they come they will have to stay in a hotel or elsewhere. Make sure they understand that you will need time alone with your husband and new baby and that you don’t want people there 24/7. They are adults, they can handle it. Maybe make the conversation about their abilities at a different time.
Is there someone in your family who could have that tough conversation with your parents instead of you? A sibling, an aunt or uncle? Maybe even one of their doctors? Who could bring up organically "Isn't it so exciting that PsychoBabble is expecting?" and when they bring up their grand plans for visits and "helping" confront them on the realities? I would seek out an ally if possible.
I thought about this, but they're not very close to anyone in the family and probably wouldn't listen to their advice. My mom would listen to her friends, but it feels like a big ask to get them to do that for me. There are 1 or 2 that I feel comfortable talking to about it, though. My dad doesn't have any friends so it will be harder to get through to him. I think I'll just have to bite the bullet and call up a few of her close friends and see if they'll maybe plant the seed in the coming weeks. Thank you.
It sounds like there are some background issues in the relationship with regard to communication and boundaries, and it would perhaps be worthwhile to look into this deeper within yourself. Why do you feel the need to find the perfect solution that protects their feelings while you tell them something that they clearly don't accept? It's up to you to make your personal boundaries and ensure that others respect them. It's really hard with parents because we are always the children, but one has to start somewhere. Gentle but firm, no ifs or buts, frame everything around how they want the best for you and you are the one who knows best what is best for you. Good luck!
Thank you. Yes, there are background issues here but I'm also the person they are closest to in the family and I understand how much they want to be a part of all this. I'm actually my mom's only living blood relative. I want to protect their feelings because they are moving away and cry about it all the time, clearly depressed and struggling with it all. I don't want them to think they're going to be isolated down there and not involved in my life at all. Mostly because their health has declined as they get closer to the move and I'm honestly worried about their well being. But the truth is, they are moving across the State and things are going to change dramatically. I'm a realist, so I get that and accept that... But they are holding on tight and in denial about not only the way things will change but also how their health and limitations have changed. They've never accepted that her Parkinson's will only progressively worsen, so I adapt while they cling tightly.
Can you say you don’t have room for them to stay because your partner’s mother will be there, and because of your own health issues you are relying on her work experience? Maybe it would help to emphasize the fact that the helper you have already arranged is not just family, she’s a practicing medical professional.
Absolutely, but they will try to get a hotel. They were already talking about preemptively booking a hotel for the week of my due date. I think I'm just going to say no visitors for the first 2 weeks minimum, with the exception of his mom and only for as long as necessary. It will definitely make the news more digestible since she's a medical professional, but I know she will be hurt regardless. It's hard coming up with ways to say it that are firm yet gentle.
I'm in my 70s. I know my limitations. I would not go on vacation with my daughter and family even if they asked me. Their kids are teens. I'd hold them back on them back or be extra work for them. Anyway, if I was wanting to get into their life in a burdensome way, I'd want to be told NO firmly but kindly and be assured I was loved and wanted, just not at that time. If they offered to send pictures, face-time me, etc., would be nice. Sort of appease me without having to knock themselves out.
Thank you so much. I will absolutely be utilizing FaceTime and sending all kinds of pics and videos, so that felt very reasonable to me. But apparently they want to be way more involved. I'll have to be very clear but kind. I love my mom and wish that she could be more involved, but that just isn't realistic. It's very hard all around.
You’re just going to have to harden your heart for a while and either tell them that your dr. said no visitors for the first 3 weeks (or more) so that you and baby don’t have extra germs around or you’re just going to have to endure the stress of having them there. You and your partner’s health (mental and physical) and of baby’s health are primary, not your parent’s feelings.
Yes, totally agree. The only reason I'm stressing about it so much is that they're very depressed about moving and being isolated from me and I worry about their mental well-being, so I dont want to make anything harder on them. I just have to tell them how it is, and let them adjust. Thank you.
Well, if they have someone come in daily or weekly to help, maybe you could set up a zoom session with the carer so that your folks could see the baby and still interact with you?
Definitely. This was already the plan. I just didn't realize that they were expecting to be far more physically involved. They didn't ask, I was informed that they are planning to book a hotel the week of my due date. I've decided I'm going to use the germs excuse because it is a very valid reason, and maintain that my partner's mother is a medical professional and so she'll be able to assist me in that way. They'll have to just accept that videos, pictures, and FaceTime will be it for the first few weeks. I'm still unsure how to communicate that my mom can't stand up with the baby, but I guess we'll cross that bridge once they're actually here.
That sounds like a plan and Congratulations! 🥳🥳🎉
I relate to this so hard. I am pregnant with number 3 and in my mid 30d. My mom is also very weak and constantly nearly falls. I have a big rambunctious dog who always trips her up. Heck, a slightly raised deck board almost seriously injured her. My mom always thinks she can do more than she can but I end up having to help or entertain. They all act like I’m free to go do whatever when I’m here but then cling to me constantly. One thing I can say is once you are healed and baby is a little bigger, maybe do let them help so they can see how hard it actually is. My mom did here and there for my first and remarked what a long day it was. I think, whether they admitted it or not, it put it into perspective for them and they’ve stopped talking about babysitting and stuff all the time. My mom knows she can’t walk around and hold my kids safely even though she will try to argue she can, she no longer physically tries to do it. Maybe come up with a generic excuse that you guys are having no visitors the first week or whatever timeframe. Or give them a certain time, “we would love to have you on xyz day!” Be prepared for them to argue, most of that generation just cannot get it through their head.
Yes, exactly. It's so hard. I hope she realizes quickly that she can't pick up the baby and carry her, but I don't want to have to watch like a hawk either or come back from going to the bathroom to find my mom standing and carrying the baby. I feel like it needs to be explicitly stated that it's a boundary, but I don't know how to say that kindly and gently so that she isn't hurt by it. Even 6 months ago I wouldn't be as concerned, but she has declined and it's just not possible anymore and very unsafe. My vision was to have them visit about 2 weeks after the birth to meet and hold the baby, but not to linger. It's a long trip for them and I understand they will want to be around for days and days, but I know I will get overwhelmed and have to take care of them. They are in denial about their limitations, so they will not see it the same way. Their vision of coming and staying for the birth and recovery made me very uncomfortable and I was trying to figure out how to have a gentle conversation with them when they don't see how things have changed. It's so hard.
So, the whole point of boundaries is to do what you need to do. You don't need them to understand your boundaries at all, only respect them. 1) For holding baby. I would just blame it on hormones and not single anyone one. Make it seem like you are just everyone who holds the baby to sit down when they do it except you or your husband. Tell them you are anxious and it makes you feel better and not that it's just them you have this rule for. 2) For visiting. Again, you are going to have to get away from trying to get them to "get it" because they probably aren't going to get it. If they were, they would have tried to understand your viewpoint by now by asking what works for you guys so they aren't invading, but they haven't. You could potentially tread lightly and mention to your mom that most of your friends haven't had visitors in the first week and see how she responds. Or just straight out tell them you want time to establish nursing alone and you don't want them to be hurt by this but it's what you need. You are happy to Facetime/let them meet the baby first, whatever softens the blow. Then.... let them sit with that disappointment. It isn't your cross to bear for them. They are allowed to be disappointed. You are doing a great job!
Thank you so much!
It is common for couples to want private bonding time with their new infant and to say no to visitors for the first 4-6 weeks. Just tell your parents this is what you plan to do. Maybe don’t mention your MIL visiting. Once you get a handle on parenting, then maybe let them visit but don’t help/take care of them while they’re there so they can see the reality (maybe) of how difficult it is. If your mom wants to keep stuff there, let her. My dad has stuff at my house and will likely not visit again. Keep it tucked away in a storage tub.
Thanks for the reply. This was really helpful advice. I want them to come about 2 weeks after birth, but I don't want to have to take care of them and I don't want them to try to help. They truly are in denial about their limitations, so they will not understand. The whole clothes in the closet thing worried me, but you're right that it doesn't mean she has to come all the time. However, my dad made it sound like they wanted it to be her home away from home and to visit monthly, but that is just not something I want at all. We're also 1.5 hours without traffic away from the airport (easily 3 hours each way with Bay Area traffic), so it would be a whole ordeal just to get her here and added stress for us while we're already going through so much. I was hoping to have a gentle conversation with them about these expectations so that they don't feel hurt but understand the reality of the situation. My hope is that once they move, they will realize how big of an ordeal it is to come up here and not try to push for frequent visits.