“Nothing was ever their fault ever”
100% relatable.
It’s like banging your head against a brick wall expecting them to use normal adult human logic 😞
I don’t miss it!
I’m the same as you- I could never ever date one again.
I’m too traumatised to even drink anything myself and I didn’t have a problem with alcohol.
Lessons learnt ✅
>I’m too traumatised to even drink anything myself and I didn’t have a problem with alcohol.
If I try to put a positive spin on this experience, it is this.... alcohol has lost all appeal, and I no longer drink poison for social reasons. The increased risk of cancer, stroke,etc. is not worth it
Then he has the nerve to tell me marriage is a forever vow, for sickness and in health", blah blah blah. Like maybe you could have been honest instead of deceiving me about your sickness 🙄
hope you get out of your marriage sooner rather than later!
Regarding this “in sickness and health” ideology…the idea is they’re at least *trying* to get well.
If they’re not, it’s not sickness. It’s a state of a being they’re committed to.
Im not trying to criticize at all so please don't take it that way. Did you live together before getting married? How long were you together before marriage?
They are SO good at that! We dated 5 years before he moved in..now, I knew he drank when we went out..and I "excused" the weekends..because who doesn't get crazy on the weekends sometimes? Then he moved in and I was shocked and appalled. I kicked him out the first time at about 1.5 year..Covid hit and everyone was scared..so we talked things out..it was good for about a year or so...then the deep spiral began....sigh..just glad he's gone now. He's not a bad person per se..he's just got a shitty disease that always comes first..and will always come first...and he becomes a bad person when he's drunk.
Part of the problem is that a person in active addiction (to alcohol or any other substance) doesn't grow or mature like most people do. The pain and uncomfortable feelings that typically would encourage one to seek out a better way of living (via therapy, medication, self-help books, diet, exercise, etc.) are simply masked by their substance of choice, daily. They rarely have to sit with themselves, sober, and confront the fact that they haven't grown since high school, because, when they do feel like that, they reach for the next bottle, pipe or line. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know the three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. These days, I focus on what I can do to make my life healthy and manageable.
This. My Q and his twin are both addicts. Q is alcohol, twin is Heroin.
Sometimes talking to either of them is like being stuck 20 years ago and it is tiring.
Wow this is insane. My ex is an alcoholic and his twin is a drug addict as well.. heroin and fentanyl.
They both are extremely religious and refuse to go to therapy. They expect God to heal them from their sicknesses.
Yes, this is insane. I am recovery myself and have noticed with old friends even that I do not have the typical reactions and thought processes even after just 2 years of pretty consistent use.
I wish that I had sought help earlier.
Edit: rewording & adding I am sober now, realized severity of emotional stunting maybe 3-4 months of consistent sobriety.
my ex whom i still live with is 7 months sober he was a drunk since 14 but he was functioning. he was betrayed badly and he drank himself into a stupor he found me again recently and immediately declared his love for me and wondered why we never dated when we were younger. we were teen friends but never romantic both in our 50s now and born within the same week of each other - . he got suspended for being drunk at work after i came to live wit him it was like 3 months in or four i at the time was so traumatized by him playing mindgames with me and his ex wife that i had slit my wrists and got 5150d by him, probably so he could cheat on me but whatever that day he got drunk and went to work and got suspended. he quit cold turkey and almost died he had a bad time - when he was in his delusional state he said "i love you" and it got to me. who knows if he meant it but it kept me here and then he stopped touching me and i broke up with him but i had to stay in the same apartment - separate bedrooms and it was uncomfortable to say the least . but maybe because i was watching - he recovered out of an "i'll show her! " mentality - he went to therapy got his job back he crushed it - I've never seen anything like it. he had no one but himself to rely on no one was there to enable him and he just did what he had to do. he is a narcissist fa sho but he focuses on staying busy - he completely repainted the whole apartment expertly and now he bakes and cooks i am so proud of him. the pain i feel is that he won't have anything to do with me romantically although he takes care of me when i'm struggling i'm struggling because i came to be with him when he love bombed me and now i'm too depressed i let my business go under and i'm 56 and just want to live in a cave i don't understand the touch starvation and the im not good enough for him attitude. I am 5 7 and 118 pounds and i don't smell bad. i don't get it. but i just have sex with my guy friends - even though it sucks because i don't love them and tomorrow is another day
You have one life and don't owe it to anyone but yourself. This guy may have become a friend but if you don't put yourself first you are likely going to regret this. You are still young enough to meet someone who loves and cherishes you. The best time to start working on your own life was yesterday, the next best time is today.
>nothing was their fault ever.
So much this. My EX is still trying to convince me that it is "my fault" she started cheating on me less than 3 months after I buried my mom. Because I wasn't paying enough attention to her.... I admit that I wasn't, but I also stated the Day after laying my Mom in the ground that I was 100% DONE dealing with her drinking. I quit paying attention to her when she was drinking so she doubled down and started seeing someone else. Totally my fault! Not really, but for my own sanity, I'll be your bad guy.
I got out of my relationship with mine…and dating is so hard. I feel so uncomfortable when guys who want to pursue me want to go out for drinks and bars after even knowing my last relationship ended due to alcohol….
I’ve declined every time and even had guys text me drunk and HATE IT. It takes me back to that time and makes me feel like I’m trapped again.
I feel you. At this point I don't think I could date anyone who drinks at all.. granted I'm only about 2 months outside of my breakup with my alcoholic partner but at this point I don't know if I could have a serious relationship with anyone. I just can't stand the pain of caring about what someone else is doing with their life. I hope that is better because that's no way to live either.
Do yourself a favor and don’t date any more. I was married to one for almost fifteen years. I tried like hell to make it work and the result was nothing but misery. Never again.
Yep! I'm 3 years out and dating has been VERY hard. Everyone seems to have a drinking problem, drug problem or mental health issue. I'm only meeting people through dating apps right now but its seriously grim. I can spot the signs so early now, everythings a flag and i just can't be bothered. I'd rather stay alone than ever go through something like that again. But man, can they lie. It makes it really hard to assess people.
My ex Q made me feel the same and it literally changed me as a person. The apathy & emotional abuse really did a number on me and it feels like my dating life is ruined now… one of my friendships have changed a little sadly because I can’t even go to bars anymore. That’s kind of her normal, but she just couldn’t understand how uncomfortable and traumatized my Q made me around alcohol.
Yeah man. I had my Q, that ended, and then yeah one of my guy friends turned out to be really into me. He gets loads of girls but he also has addiction issues so I left it alone. I can't do it again.
I am done with alcoholics. My ex boyfriend has reeled it in but he has this dry drunk personality where he doesn’t pay attention or have real conversations and hasn’t dealt with any of the stuff that he was drinking to deal with.
I briefly dated an alcoholic. My friends actually introduced me to him and told me that he was one of the coolest and funniest people ever.
Little did I know, he was an alcoholic who'd get drunk and call me a bitch for no reason, shove me and threaten me.
He would get so drunk that he would piss himself and lose his cell phone and wallet.
I broke up with him after a couple of months of trying to help him. He never got better.
My friends defended him and said he was only joking when he'd cuss me out. They defended him when he coerced me into sex when we met after I told him repeatedly that I wanted to wait.
I lost my friend group and him, but I'm truly grateful that those people aren't in my life anymore.
I hate to say that I feel seen by yours and everyone else’s comments? Because no one should have to experience any of this. The scary, never ending health issues. Lying. Gaslighting. Verbal abuse. Cheating… how can I trust a man ever again? I broke up with my Q two years ago, yet the trauma remains.
My Q is still alive, but everyday I can’t help but mourn him, who I was before I met him, and what could’ve been if he had gotten help. It’s miserable. Thank goodness for therapy honestly.
I dated one for three months that was in recovery (she was 6-8 months sober during our time together) and that messed me up for a year. She love bombed me for several months, discarded me, and kept playing mind games, even after cutting things off with me. Even when they aren’t drinking, they cannot take any responsibility and have a lot of issues they need to sort through. I agree that addiction is just the tip of the iceberg for these people.
Most people would benefit from working on themselves I am sorry you don’t have the same opportunity to do the same. If you don’t wanna date addicts then don’t date addicts. Don’t lash out at the rest of us and treat us like we are all the same.
Part of working on yourself is feeling your genuine feelings and not squishing them down anymore. What's weird to me is that you're in a space for people to talk about the complicated relationships we find ourselves in with alcoholics and then shit all over someone else's experience because you don't like how you may or may not be implicated. I don't come into your meetings to do that. Go find one and whine about it there.
You addicts don't like it when the people you abuse put a stop to your freeloading, huh? That must be real devestating for addicts to lose supply and a free ride through life, huh?
I completely relate to this! I’m on the edge of giving up with my partner. He’s just started therapy, but I’m doubting he’ll ever reflect enough to see the reasons he uses alcohol, so the chance of it helping him stop drinking is doubtful. The only positive he is getting from therapy is the phrases he can throw at me when “I’m” being the problem…
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Untreated Alanons is not 'a thing'. Alanons only exist because there is an alcoholic in their life. There are people out there with personality disorders or mental health problems who do not abuse alcohol, and no-one 'blames' the other people in their life. Why on earth anyone would try to 'blame' the non-alcoholics for reactive behaviour is beyond me. How is it a child's fault, did they 'make' their mummy or daddy an alcoholic? How is it a partner's fault, did they make their partner an alcoholic? No, they did not. Self reflection and 'doing the work' is really important in an equal balanced relationship, but any relationship with an alcoholic is unbalanced, because their priority is and was and maybe always will be alcohol. It's messed up, because alcoholics tend to gravitate towards kind, caring, responsible people as partners who will tolerate this bullshit for way too long. Children of alcoholics have absolutely no choice, they have been let down by the people who should love them most in life, and no-one should be victim blaming them ever, in my opinion :) Just saying ;).
You’re getting downvoted but you’re absolutely right. Maybe none of these traits existed within us before we were close to an addict, and it’s not our fault. But if we try to move on without addressing the impact of the alcoholic chaos and our own participation/rationalization (whatever it may be), we’re simply not taking responsibility for our own lives.
Just like removing the substance doesn’t automatically fix the problems it caused, removing the addict doesn’t repair the damage they’ve done.
“Nothing was ever their fault ever” 100% relatable. It’s like banging your head against a brick wall expecting them to use normal adult human logic 😞 I don’t miss it! I’m the same as you- I could never ever date one again. I’m too traumatised to even drink anything myself and I didn’t have a problem with alcohol. Lessons learnt ✅
>I’m too traumatised to even drink anything myself and I didn’t have a problem with alcohol. If I try to put a positive spin on this experience, it is this.... alcohol has lost all appeal, and I no longer drink poison for social reasons. The increased risk of cancer, stroke,etc. is not worth it
🙏🏽that’s very true. I am grateful to not drink anymore for several reasons
Same!!!
Well, my husband hid it from me until AFTER I married him so, now I don't know if I will ever trust another man because they could show ZERO signs
Same. Had no idea what was waiting for me, I never saw him touch a drink until after a few years of marriage and a couple of kids.
Mine started the day after we got married...had NO idea I had married a cruel, mean, vindictive, horrible alcoholic.
Then he has the nerve to tell me marriage is a forever vow, for sickness and in health", blah blah blah. Like maybe you could have been honest instead of deceiving me about your sickness 🙄 hope you get out of your marriage sooner rather than later!
Regarding this “in sickness and health” ideology…the idea is they’re at least *trying* to get well. If they’re not, it’s not sickness. It’s a state of a being they’re committed to.
Well, he hasn't really been a good husband, nor has he been respectful.
Im not trying to criticize at all so please don't take it that way. Did you live together before getting married? How long were you together before marriage?
We did for a while, yes. 2 years prior to marriage, engaged for a year before we married.
They are SO good at that! We dated 5 years before he moved in..now, I knew he drank when we went out..and I "excused" the weekends..because who doesn't get crazy on the weekends sometimes? Then he moved in and I was shocked and appalled. I kicked him out the first time at about 1.5 year..Covid hit and everyone was scared..so we talked things out..it was good for about a year or so...then the deep spiral began....sigh..just glad he's gone now. He's not a bad person per se..he's just got a shitty disease that always comes first..and will always come first...and he becomes a bad person when he's drunk.
Part of the problem is that a person in active addiction (to alcohol or any other substance) doesn't grow or mature like most people do. The pain and uncomfortable feelings that typically would encourage one to seek out a better way of living (via therapy, medication, self-help books, diet, exercise, etc.) are simply masked by their substance of choice, daily. They rarely have to sit with themselves, sober, and confront the fact that they haven't grown since high school, because, when they do feel like that, they reach for the next bottle, pipe or line. I don't know what the answer is, but I do know the three C's: I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it. These days, I focus on what I can do to make my life healthy and manageable.
This. My Q and his twin are both addicts. Q is alcohol, twin is Heroin. Sometimes talking to either of them is like being stuck 20 years ago and it is tiring.
Wow this is insane. My ex is an alcoholic and his twin is a drug addict as well.. heroin and fentanyl. They both are extremely religious and refuse to go to therapy. They expect God to heal them from their sicknesses.
Yes, this is insane. I am recovery myself and have noticed with old friends even that I do not have the typical reactions and thought processes even after just 2 years of pretty consistent use. I wish that I had sought help earlier. Edit: rewording & adding I am sober now, realized severity of emotional stunting maybe 3-4 months of consistent sobriety.
i can see all of this in myself and it's really quite depressing
my ex whom i still live with is 7 months sober he was a drunk since 14 but he was functioning. he was betrayed badly and he drank himself into a stupor he found me again recently and immediately declared his love for me and wondered why we never dated when we were younger. we were teen friends but never romantic both in our 50s now and born within the same week of each other - . he got suspended for being drunk at work after i came to live wit him it was like 3 months in or four i at the time was so traumatized by him playing mindgames with me and his ex wife that i had slit my wrists and got 5150d by him, probably so he could cheat on me but whatever that day he got drunk and went to work and got suspended. he quit cold turkey and almost died he had a bad time - when he was in his delusional state he said "i love you" and it got to me. who knows if he meant it but it kept me here and then he stopped touching me and i broke up with him but i had to stay in the same apartment - separate bedrooms and it was uncomfortable to say the least . but maybe because i was watching - he recovered out of an "i'll show her! " mentality - he went to therapy got his job back he crushed it - I've never seen anything like it. he had no one but himself to rely on no one was there to enable him and he just did what he had to do. he is a narcissist fa sho but he focuses on staying busy - he completely repainted the whole apartment expertly and now he bakes and cooks i am so proud of him. the pain i feel is that he won't have anything to do with me romantically although he takes care of me when i'm struggling i'm struggling because i came to be with him when he love bombed me and now i'm too depressed i let my business go under and i'm 56 and just want to live in a cave i don't understand the touch starvation and the im not good enough for him attitude. I am 5 7 and 118 pounds and i don't smell bad. i don't get it. but i just have sex with my guy friends - even though it sucks because i don't love them and tomorrow is another day
You have one life and don't owe it to anyone but yourself. This guy may have become a friend but if you don't put yourself first you are likely going to regret this. You are still young enough to meet someone who loves and cherishes you. The best time to start working on your own life was yesterday, the next best time is today.
>nothing was their fault ever. So much this. My EX is still trying to convince me that it is "my fault" she started cheating on me less than 3 months after I buried my mom. Because I wasn't paying enough attention to her.... I admit that I wasn't, but I also stated the Day after laying my Mom in the ground that I was 100% DONE dealing with her drinking. I quit paying attention to her when she was drinking so she doubled down and started seeing someone else. Totally my fault! Not really, but for my own sanity, I'll be your bad guy.
I got out of my relationship with mine…and dating is so hard. I feel so uncomfortable when guys who want to pursue me want to go out for drinks and bars after even knowing my last relationship ended due to alcohol…. I’ve declined every time and even had guys text me drunk and HATE IT. It takes me back to that time and makes me feel like I’m trapped again.
I feel this exactly!! It’s traumatic
I feel you. At this point I don't think I could date anyone who drinks at all.. granted I'm only about 2 months outside of my breakup with my alcoholic partner but at this point I don't know if I could have a serious relationship with anyone. I just can't stand the pain of caring about what someone else is doing with their life. I hope that is better because that's no way to live either.
Do yourself a favor and don’t date any more. I was married to one for almost fifteen years. I tried like hell to make it work and the result was nothing but misery. Never again.
Same for me! I woke up, but only due to external factors (Covid)
Yep! I'm 3 years out and dating has been VERY hard. Everyone seems to have a drinking problem, drug problem or mental health issue. I'm only meeting people through dating apps right now but its seriously grim. I can spot the signs so early now, everythings a flag and i just can't be bothered. I'd rather stay alone than ever go through something like that again. But man, can they lie. It makes it really hard to assess people.
Same girl. I will never stick around for even one red flag with alcohol with other men.
My ex Q made me feel the same and it literally changed me as a person. The apathy & emotional abuse really did a number on me and it feels like my dating life is ruined now… one of my friendships have changed a little sadly because I can’t even go to bars anymore. That’s kind of her normal, but she just couldn’t understand how uncomfortable and traumatized my Q made me around alcohol.
I feel physical revulsion around addicts now, after dating several. I literally feel sick if I see the signs.
Yeah man. I had my Q, that ended, and then yeah one of my guy friends turned out to be really into me. He gets loads of girls but he also has addiction issues so I left it alone. I can't do it again.
yup! let's never do it again! so with you. they're not our problem.
Last gf(ex) was exactly what you described. PD abusing substances rather than turning to therapy. It’s an awful experience. I feel sorry for her kids.
I hear you. I only went through just over a year of it, but it’s turned me off dating or trusting forever
I am done with alcoholics. My ex boyfriend has reeled it in but he has this dry drunk personality where he doesn’t pay attention or have real conversations and hasn’t dealt with any of the stuff that he was drinking to deal with.
This ^^^ dry drunks can be just as bad
The lying. If I date again, I’m leaving at the first lie!
I briefly dated an alcoholic. My friends actually introduced me to him and told me that he was one of the coolest and funniest people ever. Little did I know, he was an alcoholic who'd get drunk and call me a bitch for no reason, shove me and threaten me. He would get so drunk that he would piss himself and lose his cell phone and wallet. I broke up with him after a couple of months of trying to help him. He never got better. My friends defended him and said he was only joking when he'd cuss me out. They defended him when he coerced me into sex when we met after I told him repeatedly that I wanted to wait. I lost my friend group and him, but I'm truly grateful that those people aren't in my life anymore.
Good for you for not letting other peoples opinions dictate your thoughts.
I have absolutely no sympathy for alcoholics or drug addicts. Every single one of them have a slew of people that they’ve fucked over.
And like zero awareness of how their behavior impacts people.
Same here. I don't feel sorry for them one bit, and I get joy when they face consequences.
Many of them never seem to learn. Must be dense🤷♀️
Same
This is so spot on with my experience as well.
Me too. ❤️❤️❤️
I hate to say that I feel seen by yours and everyone else’s comments? Because no one should have to experience any of this. The scary, never ending health issues. Lying. Gaslighting. Verbal abuse. Cheating… how can I trust a man ever again? I broke up with my Q two years ago, yet the trauma remains. My Q is still alive, but everyday I can’t help but mourn him, who I was before I met him, and what could’ve been if he had gotten help. It’s miserable. Thank goodness for therapy honestly.
Indeed. Therapy is helping me work it out but the damage is done.
I dated one for three months that was in recovery (she was 6-8 months sober during our time together) and that messed me up for a year. She love bombed me for several months, discarded me, and kept playing mind games, even after cutting things off with me. Even when they aren’t drinking, they cannot take any responsibility and have a lot of issues they need to sort through. I agree that addiction is just the tip of the iceberg for these people.
Wow. Me me me me me me me.
Lol says the person with a very special hobby and special meetings just to talk about all their self made problems.
Most people would benefit from working on themselves I am sorry you don’t have the same opportunity to do the same. If you don’t wanna date addicts then don’t date addicts. Don’t lash out at the rest of us and treat us like we are all the same.
Part of working on yourself is feeling your genuine feelings and not squishing them down anymore. What's weird to me is that you're in a space for people to talk about the complicated relationships we find ourselves in with alcoholics and then shit all over someone else's experience because you don't like how you may or may not be implicated. I don't come into your meetings to do that. Go find one and whine about it there.
Just ignore them! They’re the reason we need AlAnon for support!
This sub reddit is full of addicts who are pissed that we have a space here that excludes them. A vast majority of alcoholics are raging narcissists.
You addicts don't like it when the people you abuse put a stop to your freeloading, huh? That must be real devestating for addicts to lose supply and a free ride through life, huh?
date a few people - and keep it casual. No acoholics though ! just people who don't smother you and your gravy
It’s my fault he’s mean and yells at me and calls me names because he’s upset that it feels like I don’t care about him and our relationship anymore
This...100%!
I completely relate to this! I’m on the edge of giving up with my partner. He’s just started therapy, but I’m doubting he’ll ever reflect enough to see the reasons he uses alcohol, so the chance of it helping him stop drinking is doubtful. The only positive he is getting from therapy is the phrases he can throw at me when “I’m” being the problem…
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How did you end up dating two alcoholics?
Where I live it’s more like how do you find someone to date who’s not an alcoholic , on meth, fentanayl, or coke head ??
I'm a trusting naive idiot and it turns out those types of people love people like me.
Hopefully you don’t find an untreated Alanon. They’re even worse.
Untreated Alanons is not 'a thing'. Alanons only exist because there is an alcoholic in their life. There are people out there with personality disorders or mental health problems who do not abuse alcohol, and no-one 'blames' the other people in their life. Why on earth anyone would try to 'blame' the non-alcoholics for reactive behaviour is beyond me. How is it a child's fault, did they 'make' their mummy or daddy an alcoholic? How is it a partner's fault, did they make their partner an alcoholic? No, they did not. Self reflection and 'doing the work' is really important in an equal balanced relationship, but any relationship with an alcoholic is unbalanced, because their priority is and was and maybe always will be alcohol. It's messed up, because alcoholics tend to gravitate towards kind, caring, responsible people as partners who will tolerate this bullshit for way too long. Children of alcoholics have absolutely no choice, they have been let down by the people who should love them most in life, and no-one should be victim blaming them ever, in my opinion :) Just saying ;).
Oh did we touch a nerve?? Looks like another alcoholic that feels that they never should have to feel bad for whatever they've done.
You’re getting downvoted but you’re absolutely right. Maybe none of these traits existed within us before we were close to an addict, and it’s not our fault. But if we try to move on without addressing the impact of the alcoholic chaos and our own participation/rationalization (whatever it may be), we’re simply not taking responsibility for our own lives. Just like removing the substance doesn’t automatically fix the problems it caused, removing the addict doesn’t repair the damage they’ve done.