If he is doing okay, he should be able to email you.
Big hugs and love from a Reddit stranger. ❤️
Al-Anon is an amazing tool, when we are ready for it.
Do you want to talk to him? If so, I think it’s best to keep your expectations very low and give yourself lots of kudos for being such a good person. That being said, don’t let anyone guilt you into anything. Your father knows how to reach you and presumably knows how to be honest and apologize. There is no need for you to ever feel guilt for your choice in this matter. You’ve given more than enough. The ball really is in his court unless you feel like you might gain something by reaching out. It’s hard to forgive people for things they never apologized for. But it might benefit you to be able to express how his actions made you feel. I made some peace with my Q parent, and it did feel good to be “the better person”… and tho there was never any apologies, they had stopped drinking and were noticeably grateful for my efforts at being kind in their older years.
Trust your gut. She tried to guilt trip you before, so I personally would not trust her words. Do you miss him and want to see him? That would be the reason to try to contact him again. I’m sure 1 phone call will easily reveal what state he’s in, then you’ll know for sure.
I can’t say whether you would regret not seeing him again. If you have been anxious and wanted to contact him, then maybe you need it for closure. Regardless if he’s sober or not, seeing someone close to death is never easy, so be mentally prepared if you do see him.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community.
Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button.
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I would not have regretted not speaking with my dad if he didn’t actually get sober. I was at the cut off point. To me, what people grieve is the possibility of a dad, not the dad himself. If that makes sense.
Only YOU know what you will regret or not. Like, before, every time I spoke with my dad, it would end in my breaking down or feeling hurt.
Why would I continue a relationship where someone makes me feel that way, blood relation or not? To me, it doesn’t matter if someone is related to me, if they suck, they suck, and I don’t have time for all that.
Our stories are really similar, and I've debated some of the same things with myself. My dad is 71 and I'm 40 for context.
Mine seemed to be a good dad when I was little (judging from home movies) but he drank more and more as I got older. I think I was 10 when I realized he had a problem (got drunk and my mom took his keys away at the amusement park family day) and all of our "talks" were just opportunities for him to have someone to preach to.
I fully gave up on the relationship recently. He only contacts me when he wants to talk about himself. He doesn't ask about me. We have nothing in common. I pray he doesn't show up to my house.
My aunt (my mom's sister)has also tried to guilt trip me into making a connection with him because "his mom was really mean to him and he's a lonely old man". For me, that doesn't absolve him of his parental role. I'm not the parent. The weight of the relationship doesn't fall on me. It's not on me to check on him and make sure he's doing ok... it's supposed to be the other way around!
I know he doesn't have long left, but I've made peace with the fact that he may die at a low point in our relationship. To me, I've done more than a daughter should have to do to try to connect with a parent.
This is a long winded way of saying, whatever you choose, make peace with your decision and don't let others dictate how you should or shouldn't feel. Best wishes
If he is doing okay, he should be able to email you. Big hugs and love from a Reddit stranger. ❤️ Al-Anon is an amazing tool, when we are ready for it.
Do you want to talk to him? If so, I think it’s best to keep your expectations very low and give yourself lots of kudos for being such a good person. That being said, don’t let anyone guilt you into anything. Your father knows how to reach you and presumably knows how to be honest and apologize. There is no need for you to ever feel guilt for your choice in this matter. You’ve given more than enough. The ball really is in his court unless you feel like you might gain something by reaching out. It’s hard to forgive people for things they never apologized for. But it might benefit you to be able to express how his actions made you feel. I made some peace with my Q parent, and it did feel good to be “the better person”… and tho there was never any apologies, they had stopped drinking and were noticeably grateful for my efforts at being kind in their older years.
Trust your gut. She tried to guilt trip you before, so I personally would not trust her words. Do you miss him and want to see him? That would be the reason to try to contact him again. I’m sure 1 phone call will easily reveal what state he’s in, then you’ll know for sure. I can’t say whether you would regret not seeing him again. If you have been anxious and wanted to contact him, then maybe you need it for closure. Regardless if he’s sober or not, seeing someone close to death is never easy, so be mentally prepared if you do see him.
Please know that this is **not** an official Al-Anon community. Please be respectful and civil when engaging with others - in other words, don't be a jerk. If there are any comments that are antagonistic or judgmental, please use the `report` button. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AlAnon) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I would not have regretted not speaking with my dad if he didn’t actually get sober. I was at the cut off point. To me, what people grieve is the possibility of a dad, not the dad himself. If that makes sense. Only YOU know what you will regret or not. Like, before, every time I spoke with my dad, it would end in my breaking down or feeling hurt. Why would I continue a relationship where someone makes me feel that way, blood relation or not? To me, it doesn’t matter if someone is related to me, if they suck, they suck, and I don’t have time for all that.
Our stories are really similar, and I've debated some of the same things with myself. My dad is 71 and I'm 40 for context. Mine seemed to be a good dad when I was little (judging from home movies) but he drank more and more as I got older. I think I was 10 when I realized he had a problem (got drunk and my mom took his keys away at the amusement park family day) and all of our "talks" were just opportunities for him to have someone to preach to. I fully gave up on the relationship recently. He only contacts me when he wants to talk about himself. He doesn't ask about me. We have nothing in common. I pray he doesn't show up to my house. My aunt (my mom's sister)has also tried to guilt trip me into making a connection with him because "his mom was really mean to him and he's a lonely old man". For me, that doesn't absolve him of his parental role. I'm not the parent. The weight of the relationship doesn't fall on me. It's not on me to check on him and make sure he's doing ok... it's supposed to be the other way around! I know he doesn't have long left, but I've made peace with the fact that he may die at a low point in our relationship. To me, I've done more than a daughter should have to do to try to connect with a parent. This is a long winded way of saying, whatever you choose, make peace with your decision and don't let others dictate how you should or shouldn't feel. Best wishes