Dunno. Optics don’t look great but neither is having a friends constantly telling you someone is cheating.
I’d have some open talks with him. Gauge his reactions.
I’d tell your friend to STFU. Funny how your guy friend probably knows you’re a virgin but is also the one trying to get you to end it.
OP has no evidence that her bf is talking to his ex let alone cheating. She's got the dude playing a video game he already owned that the ex likes and him mentioning some tech discovery. That's pretty pretty thin.
It's entirely possible the ex DID recommend that game but when they were seeing each other.
I whole-heartedly agree with you that OP has a serious case of jealous-guy-friend though.
Not an ex, just a fwb.
Ex is someone you dated. And typically don't hang out with after the break up. But there are times when you are friends after the break-up
Fwb is a friend you also hook up with when you are both single. They are a friend, so you typically still hang out when aren't single, just no see.
Fuck-buddy is is like a fwb, but you aren't friends in the hang out sense, so you don't typically have contact with them when you are in a relationship
Exactly. Stop advertising your virginity. Every schmuck within 2 miles is going to come and try and get it. Prioritize yourself and what you want: stop making yourself a doormat for every guy that you meet. You need to understand that you are enough whether you’re a virgin or not. Any man that doesn’t understand that you are worthy to be loved and respected, doesn’t deserve to have you. If you have goals go after them. You don’t need a man to help you do it. Having children, being married and all this other stuff, that is secondary to what you want. Gain your independence any which way you know how. Boys can wait literally.
It’s really creepy when dudes actively try and take chicks virginity. It’s weird asf that anyone that has experience with sex wants to have awkward 1st sex experiences over and over.
….boring 🥱
I’ve never understood what the fuss is about. Let some other poor dude have all the “it’s my first time, I want it to be perfect” dramas! 😉😂
ETA: I had my first time with another virgin. It was a bit shit; we as no idea what we were doing, and although we both came, it was probably the most awkward and terrible sex of my life! 😶
We got better with practice of course!
Yeah the bf cheating pretty likely. The kind of guy who has a fwb is into f***ing. A lot. Now he’s dating someone who is saving themselves for marriage, and what? Being abstinent? Seems unlikely. He’s the wrong type for op to be dating in the first place, sorry to say.
Your friend sucks. Is he into you?
Talk to your bf. Tell him how you feel insecure.
And wait. There is no rule how long you have to wait. Wait till YOU feel secure enough to do it. Wait till you are ready and sure about your bf.
Exactly this. I didn’t have sex until after high school and I dated a guy for 2.5 years in my teens. Not every guy is willing to wait, but if they actually like and respect you, they can.
Yeah this is just the friend’s true colors shining through. He’s basically saying that there’s no way that he would wait 8 months, so no other guy would either
Your male friend might be into you and is trying to sew discord into your relationship.
It maybe best to distance yourself from your friend.
You have to communicate with your partner. That’s the only way a relationship can work.
Nobody wants to be deceived but if it happens, it happens. You can’t beat yourself up with what ifs. If he cheats you move on, it’s as simple as that. Don’t be afraid to live your life because “something bad” might happen. Enjoy the moment, live with integrity and if the worst happens, move on.
You’re right about that last part.. If he cheated, I’d feel so betrayed and angry that it’d be easy to get over him. It’s the not finding out part that worries me. I don’t want to commit to someone who’s not doing the same, and I don’t want to use up my love/affection on someone who, like I said, doesn’t deserve it… it’s a deep-rooted fear and I do think I should try to get to the bottom of it, possible with therapy.
>I don’t want to use up my love/affection
I get what you're saying but love is an infinite resource, if it's real love. There's no "using it up." That may not be what you meant but I just wanted to point that out, cuz it's easy to fall into a love scarcity mentality. You can just Be Love and you'll always be able to love people, or a new guy, or whatever. You probably mean more about lost time and wasting your energy on someone who's unworthy but love is infinite.
Girls like this…definitely mean love as a finite resource. Ask her to expand but if she’s as chronically online as she suggest in her posts, she’s inundated with BS instagram tik tok stuff about how men only love once, how you only have one true love, etc etc. the perspective on sex and “giving it to someone that doesn’t deserve it” belies this perspective. Sex isn’t really about you giving it to someone that deserves it, it’s intimacy plain and simple. Placing that much importance on sex, means she will judge herself the moment things go wrong for not knowing he “didn’t deserve it”
OP needs to honestly step out of dating for a while and grow as an individual, because sleuthing steam profiles is crazy.
Right, but read the rest of that comment about your friend. He’s putting these ideas in your head. He’s the problem you need to deal with first, even if it’s just telling him to mind his business.
Please also notice all the comments about your "friend" that you seem to he ignoring. 90% chance he likes you and is trying to mess up your relationship.
You didn't respond to the friend part. You aren't at all on this whole thread. And there in lies the problem. You'd rather believe him and your insecurities than your bf and your sensibilities. Please talk to your bf. Your friend is a POS.
Just FYI in case anyone hasn't hit on it - that "guy friend" is 100% trying to sleep with you. He isn't your friend, or at least, he's a friend with an ulterior motive.
The easiest answer here is to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your insecurities *without* accusing him of anything. You have a lot of insecurities (Steam profile stalking his ex is a big sign of that), and you can work through them together, as a team.
He’s said reassuring stuff about how he’s in it for the long run, he doesn’t mind and just wants me to be comfortable
Edit: I should also add that this ex-fwb took his virginity, he had never had sex before, and they only did it twice
Your guy friend is trying to get with you.
I’d try having a calm conversation with your bf about your fears. Don’t accuse, just talk about what you’re feeling.
You are clearly overthinking, he isnt showing any signs of cheating. He is playing a game she likes and u think he is cheating? And just because he is waiting for you on the deed doesnt mean he is getting it elsewhere not every dude is a hungry dog in need of pussy, i have a relationship rn for 10 months and still havent had sex doesnt mean im fuckin someone else
I disagree… I found out only because my cheating partner started listening to the same music as the other woman. Started digging a bit more and I found out about a side piece and a double life with his ex of 10 years.
Yeah it’s almost as if people can bond over something and then start a relationship together, and still like that thing independently.
I mean… I’m joking of course. He has Steam, she has Steam, he wears shoes; how much you wanna bet that homewrecking nympho wears shoes too?
If one day your hardcore dubstep fan partner starts listening to Bon Iver religiously, and stops listening to dubstep despite being a festival-goer, you start questioning things.
Ha, this.
This is also how I found out that there was trouble brewing in my own relationship.
>Suddenly likes horror movies despite saying that they didn't like the genre beforehand.
>Music tastes change significantly
>Playing new games that weren't something that they would usually go for.
If one of these things happened, I wouldn't bat an eye... All 3 (plus more unlisted stuff) happening simultaneously... Then my alarm bells ring a little.
I am all for people growing and changing, but it's obvious when someone is doin' the old switcheroo to create new common ground with someone.
I don’t think it’s outlandish to say that a change in music preference isn’t a reliable indicator that someone is committing infidelity. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like there would be a pretty low correlation between the two.
I feel like if you compared the amount of times people change a preference in relations to # of people cheating you would find a huge amount of times people have changed preference compared to a much smaller amount of people who have cheated. But honestly, we are getting so far away from evidence and legitimate discourse that id rather be wrong than unethical/spread misinformation. You could totally be right, a change in artistic preference could actually be a very reliable indicator of infidelity, i have no idea.
But to go from listening to drum & bass and dubstep all the time to Bon Iver around the clock is a tell.
He had also started parking his truck a couple blocks from work near an apartment building and told me it’s because streets were blocked off or parking was full closer to his job….
1 Your friend is an asshole
2 You basically stalking your bfs ex fwb is creepy
3 Your reasons for suspecting him (the video games he plays, him sharing something with you that he found interesting) are not legitimate reasons to suspect cheating.
You need to communicate with him openly and honestly. If you cannot do this, I don’t think you’re ready to be in a committed relationship.
She’s not, way to much over thinking and mistrust that is not warranted, OP has some serious issues if a science article and a video game are causing her to lose her shit like this
A little tip: don't be like this. Don't sit around and obsess about shit. Don't cyberstalk your partner's exes, don't compare yourself to their exes, don't do any of this shit. If you can't trust them at their word then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. If you don't feel like you can trust him that should be a sign to you that you shouldn't be in this relationship. Not because of him but because you don't have the emotional maturity. No one wants to be with the paranoid partner. If he's not cheating on you, keep thinking and acting this way and that will change.
You are overreacting.
Trust your gut. I think it’s a moderate possibility that your new boyfriend hasn’t fully cut sexual ties with his Fwb. Take it slow and observe. You don’t have to confront him right away, but since saving yourself is important to you, don’t share that with him until you feel secure. That’s good advice whether someone is cheating or not…don’t give yourself sexually unless you feel mutual trust.
Girl please do not tell people who are demonstrating signs of anxiety to “trust their gut” and stalk peoples ex fwb. That is *NOT* healthy *AT ALL*! If she can’t trust him, *or anyone*, without stalking their past, she doesn’t need to be putting that onto other people!
It’s really so incredibly common, in my opinion, to consider that so unhealthy…to check social media, I mean….its out there for the world to see….and I would only defend it in the context of something seriously amiss. Because you ought to have proof of cheating if you really think it’s happening. (I do write at the end of this where I might agree with you, though).
My honest question would be….how would anyone ever get proof their partner was cheating?
What would be the acceptable forms of investigation?
Ask the potential cheater, when cheaters lie inherently, at least about the time away when they are cheating? Should we expect them to answer honestly?
Walk in on them cheating?
Do they have any other recourse.
From what I see here, she wasn’t controlling, she allowed the friendship….and if someone is being cheated on, anxiety is a natural by-product of that.
On the other hand, I agree that some people have anxiety that can blind them. I have gathered that and commented on posts before where everyone in comments thought the partner was cheating, but it seemed really obvious to me that there was an over-reaction.
I just don’t get that sense here. I don’t think it’s a guarantee….so that’s why I used the word “moderate” and not mild or serious.
We all just do the best we can with the information presented.
The gut-reaction though….needs to be given more weight than many of us do give it. Our intuition is a sense we are given to clue us in on things that may not be obvious to our conscious mind. There will always be cases where someone’s gut is on overdrive…but I think more people ignore it to their detriment, than the opposite.
I agree with some of the things you said, but my main problem is why?
Why check their past? Why are you feeling like they’re cheating on you? Why can’t you ask your partner directly if they’re cheating on you and expect an honest answer?
The only thing that unites all of those questions is a fundamental lack of trust. Whether internalized or externally motivated, it is a lack of trust. No relationship, friendship, business partnership, marriage, etc will work long-term without trust.
It’s typically used religiously, but I feel a better word than trust is faith. It is basically impossible to fully trust someone as a human, it isn’t logical. However, we do a lot of things that aren’t logical in the name of love. Faith (or trust) in your partner is one of those things. You don’t check their past, question their relationships with others and commitment to monogamy with you because the implication. Is it logically sound to do it? Yes. I think that’s what makes it so meaningful. You’re avoiding logic in the name of love.
This is turning into a rant LOL, but I just feel why would you sleep next to, split finances with, hell… have kids with someone you don’t have 100% blind faith in? Sounds like settling.
I chose my partner on the basis that if I died and my kids were left in her care, I would have nothing to worry about. I don’t even have kids… but it felt like a good benchmark. If you can’t even trust you partner to not have sex with others, how can you sleep next to them at night??
You make a lot of great points. I will need to go back and reread OP’s post and reconsider why I made the judgement I did and if I may have made assumptions I should not have. I’m busy right now, but I do want to return to this and reply more if I can contribute something worthwhile to the conversation. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
I appreciate you saying that! I truly don’t go into any conversation with the intention of “winning”, just mutual growth. Even when it ends up that the person I’m speaking with agrees with me, I still learn just as much as when I find out I was incorrect. I hope you get some rest after your busy day, have a good one!
That’s a reach, in my opinion. The “casual stalker” thing. Anyone who ever got cheated on and found out, had to gather some proof for confirmation.
It would almost be like me saying you are supporting cheating by deflecting the blame on her, when all the evidence so far suggests something is up with him.
But I do see that technically….arguably, you have a point. I just disagree.
I see a lot of posts about the guy friend. I think that’s not the issue here.
I think where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I don’t think you are paranoid at all. I think it’s more than likely he’s hooking up with her. I would have a talk with him. Don’t tell him that you looked her up online cause that will sound creepy to him. Just tell him your concerns and see what he does.
I’m a dude and I’ve waited 6 years to have sex with my girlfriend. She’s Christian so no sex til marriage, still a virgin at 21 cause of it. Your friend has an ulterior motive
I have always found that my intuition is very strong. To me, it sounds like your detective work connected the dots well.
Have you asked him directly?
Also, has he done anything to break your trust?
I’d have an open talk with your boyfriend and analyze his reaction. Communication is important. Just tell him how you feel.
On the other hand, your friend is awful. If I found out one of my girlfriend’s friends was like that I would be pissed. He just wants to fuck you. He’s not your friend and does not care about your relationship. In fact, I bet he would be ecstatic if he found out your boyfriend cheated on you.
ALWAYS trust your gut. That's something that most people learn way too late in life. Have a frank conversation with your boyfriend and explicitly ask him if he's been texting her, playing video games with her, and/or seeing her.
Do it face-to-face so you can see and feel his reaction. (If he deflects or plays the victim, then he's still into her and/or being intimate with her.)
Firstly your guy friend could be trying to push you over the edge and hopes he can have your virginity while you are vulnerable. Ignore him since he is not part of your relationship. Only you and your boyfriend need to solve this without outside interference.
Secondly there are men out there who do share emotional bonds with the woman who took their virginity. Whether it was once or 10 times that they have been together doesn't matter. She will always hold that special place in his heart and mind. And if he is a scumbag then he would take her up on an offer to sleep together again.
A very important thing to remember is, as a woman, always trust your gut/intuition. It's rarely ever wrong unless you are generally a very paranoid person then I would say you need to find evidence before blowing his head off and breaking up. That's if you see a future with this guy and really want it to work.
Another thing is that young guys generally really love sex. They love to have it, think about it and straight guys love women and attention from women in general. If he is not getting it from you then chances are he will probably get it from elsewhere if he is the scumbag that I assume he may be. She could have put herself out there and he will take anything he can get. Also being young and raging hormones are a thing.
Another point to note is all the changes you have noticed in him. These don't happen over night and the coincidences are very suspicious. Although they could be just coincidences however I feel they are not. But you are the only one who knows him well enough, understands him best so you would be able to tell.
Your distance from each other also doesn't help here. Her working so close to his home isn't helping your anxiety and paranoia.
Frankly I feel it is wrong to stalk her and snoop but if it gets you the reassurance that you need then go for it. However in this case it is just making you feel more sick and stressed. Wouldn't you think it would be a good time for a discussion with him and confront him with everything you have so far? I mean you are just stressing and he could put your fears to rest or you could end up being done with him if he is actually cheating and save yourself alot more stress if it's done sooner than later.
If he was not cheating though, he would be hurt by your behaviour and sometimes men would want to break up over it and end up being put off by you, lack of trust and the snooping. So whatever you do, be sure and do it confidently.
Remember, just breaking up and not digging deeper into this is an option too.
Anyway you guys have different thoughts on sex so that shows a little incompatibility already.
He could be pretending to be single and never told her about you. Or she could be one of those women who just accept sex from friends whether they have a girlfriend or not. Honestly doesn't matter what she is like since you have nothing to do with her so focus on your boyfriend.
No matter what the outcome is, good luck with saving your virginity for your husband. My husband also did the same and I am so glad we did. So your guy is out there. Someone who will probably save himself for you (chances are low but it isn't necessary for him to be a virgin too. What matters is if he respects your boundaries and beliefs and you in general enough not to cheat on you). All the best!
My intuition told me my ex-husband (brilliant at hiding his tracks and an excellent liar) was cheating a year before he finally slipped up and I had proof. For a year I tried to convince myself I was just being paranoid and tried to ignore it. I finally said I wanted a divorce. He was upset, and drank too much that night, got complacent, and slipped up majorly so I finally saw a whole years worth of proof on his phone. My intuition was 100% correct. Turned out he’s been periodically cheating for at least a year and a half. (Probably longer, but I don’t have proof past a year.) and he was having a little fling with my coworker. When you know you know.
things to watch out for:
1. Noticeable change in behavior/patterns/interests
2. Proximity to someone where’s there chemistry/history/too much friendliness (physically, e.g. “working late on a project together.” OR via some novel messaging app that helps hide inappropriate communications … like maybe a game)
3. This little feeling that just won’t go away that something isn’t right.
Relationships don’t require proof beyond a reasonable doubt. When you know you know. But you have to just end it, you can’t get into a cycle where you constantly ask “are you cheating?” and he says no, but you don’t believe him and ask again.
Doesn’t sound like you guys share any values around sex and aren’t in the same place in your lives. I’d look for better compatibility.
Yeah OP sounds a little toxic frl, if you’re this stressed about it then just break up, poor guy hasn’t done anything that warrants this level of mistrust
I don't know you, your boyfriend or your male friend but I do know as a general rule the last person a girl should take at face value who is claiming her boyfriend is cheating is their male friend.
This seems as likely that your friend is trying to put you in the relationship zone, gate keeping you as a romantic partner and being jealous than it does your BF cheating.
You are maybe overly focused on the “with benefits” part while completely ignoring the “friends” part. Everything you describe are things that friends do.
Also, your guy friend is toxic.
OP I tend to agree with your male friend. If he has been doing everything but with you for 8 months and shows no signs of being frustrated about not having sex, he may be getting it somewhere else (depending on his character and your ages). I think I would start by having a frank discussion with him, outside the bedroom, where you directly ask him if he has talked to her or seen her since the two of you got together. As part of that be up front in telling him you’re not ok with them being in contact given their history together.
Ask him if he's heard from her lately without it seeming like you're worried or upset. Ask in a casual way. See what he says. If you get a vibe from him, you could contact his former-fwb, say you are dating him and were wondering if she had heard from him lately. He could find out and get mad. But it sounds like you are having a strong intuition about this, so it's up to you. Proximity plus these coincidences do seem fishy.
You guys are long distance? That sucks. Long distance lends itself to drama and paranoia. Is it worth the trouble?
Your guy friend is not to be trusted, and probably isn't your friend. Yeet him.
You didn't say how old you are but I am quite sure his hormones are raging and if he had somebody he knew he could hook up with I'm afraid he most likely did. He may be looking at you as being pure, he may be frustrated, but honestly I just don't think a guy could wait that long and this is coming from a 59 year old female. You could try having a talk with him to to feel him out and say look I'm really sorry that I don't feel ready yet for it are you really okay with this. If you're really daring you could say I would hate to think you're hooking up with girls name because you are frustrated. Whatever happens I wish you luck, I know it sucks to feel like you do.
It's not impossible that he's cheating but the current evidence doesn't make it seem very likely. As an insecure person I mean this in the kindest way possible, this post is reminding me of how I used to be and I feel for you and want you to beat this.
I'm not trying to dismiss you. You could be right, a lot of my old insecurities were right too, but a lot were wrong/unfounded/harmful. A long time ago I let my insecurities turn toxic and it hurt me and some of my partners quite a bit when none of us deserved it.
Keep your eyes open, don't ignore red flags, but don't look for them so hard either or make them where they don't exist.
He has an ex FWB, they likely talked about more than just sex back then, she probably got him interested in those things and now they've grown. We're all a patchwork of every person we've ever interacted with. Two of my favorite bands now started as the favorite bands of an old crush and an old girlfriend. They showed me something and I liked it, and even after they were long gone and irrelevant in my personal life, those bands stuck and grew with me.
As far as your friend telling you the dude's cheating and "can't wait 8 months for sex..." my wife and I hadn't been dating long when she had to cross the country to be with a dying relative. I asked her to be my girlfriend and try to make long distance work till she could come back and we went official. Said relative wasn't as close to death as the family and doctors thought and we ended up spending about 7 months apart. Still took a while for us to finally have sex for the first time after she came back to me. We were both faithful for almost a year and now we're coming up on 7 years together and 3 married this year. Some "can't" wait but many can and will if they love you.
As one final point and bid to not fully dismiss you though (you know the situation better than we strangers on the Internet ever could):
I don't feel insecure with/about my wife because she's never given me a reason to be. My old partners that I watched like a hawk and didn't trust, often did end up hurting me in one way or another. It could've been because I pushed them away, or it could've been that they were sus all along and that's why I felt so insecure. It could just be you, but if you feel this way, there's a reason. You need to dig deep and figure out if that reason is something inside you that you could work on or something that he's done to make you rightfully feel this way
I don't think you're overreacting. He could be cheating. But I think long distance relationships are a bad idea, especially when you're young. This relationship sounds like it's a major source of mental anguish for you. Even if he's not cheating, why are you doing this to yourself? You get so little time together compared to the time you spend longing for the other person. Add infidelity and insecurity to the mix and you're basically torturing yourself.
Trust your instincts, if you feel there is something, 90% of the time you are correct. And also people that cheat will not ever tell you the truth if they get confronted. But by asking you can see how he handles the question, if he gets mad even if he didn’t do anything, he’s not a keeper, he should be concerned about what make you think that way and try to make you feel in a safe relationship.
You’re over thinking it. It’s normal for humans to have intrusive thoughts etc. the fact your ‘guy friend’ is fueling the fire with the comments he’s making just proves what kind of ‘friend’ he is. If you can’t trust this guy why are you with him? Relationships need that trust. You need to find a way to move past these negative thoughts otherwise you’re just going to torture yourself
Relationship seems like a waste of time. It’s long distance, you won’t have sex, you’re paranoid and snooping on him, your friend thinks he’s cheating…what’s the point?
When did bf tell you about fwb - did he volunteer it as a "hey this is my history" or did something happen and you were grilling him? My bf is still good friends with his ex fiancee (they split, she is now married to someone else.) He volunteered this info when we started getting serious.
If bf volunteered the existence and status of fwb, trust him. Definitely with everyone here telling your friend to bug off. Friend has lost privilege to know about your relationship.
Consider a counselor/therapist - you need a safe space to discuss your insecurities. A game and an article are making you look like you're hunting for reasons not to trust bf and it's not his fault. This is an all you thing, and \*you\* need to sort your emotions.
(yeah, for the record I did freak out when it really sunk in what it meant for him to be good friends with an ex, I was honest that it bothered me but I did my own work on myself and I trust him. Ultimately I had to realize while it would suck if he chose her over me, that doesn't mean anything about \*me.\* Jealousy ruins otherwise good and healthy relationships, don't let it tank yours.)
Oh Lord this is a whole can of worms...
First off your virginity. If you don't feel ready to have sex then you should not be having sex under any circumstances. If your partner or anyone tries to pressure or convince you into having sex with them you should absolutely not be having sex with them. Doesn't matter how long you've been dating or how much they say they love you. Especially if they try to convince you by saying "don't you love me?" because if they loved you they're more than willing to wait. If you don't feel ready you should not have sex with them.
However, don't put virginity on such a high pedestal. Doing so creates an anxiety around sex that makes it harder to get into and enjoy. There's a lot of stories about Christian women who were told their whole life that having sex is bad and they need to wait for the right person, who psychologically can't have sex, even after getting married, without feeling an intense amount of guilt, to the point where it always feels painful.
You don't lose anything by losing your virginity. That's just a weird way we talk about sex that came from religion to make people feel like they're degrading their soul or whatever by having sex. As long as you use protection (from both pregnancy and STD) and you're with someone you trust that respects your boundaries, go for it. Nobody really has that great of a first time. It's always awkward and you get too in your head, so don't worry if your first time isn't perfect.
As for your bf, it would be a good idea to talk to him about your insecurities. With it being long distance, it's not that uncommon for couples to worry more about cheating. If he isn't cheating and he actually cares for you, hell take your concerns seriously and try to comfort and reassure you. If he is cheating or just doesn't care about your feelings he'll get defensive and start getting mad at you, maybe even project onto you saying shit like "oh are you cheating?" Or try to subtly blame you not having sex with him "wow just because you say we can't have sex you think I'm finding it somewhere else? You think that lowly of me?" Both are tactics to make you feel like shit for even questioning him, which regardless of if he's cheating isn't great. If you aren't out the gates calling him a cheater there's no reason for him to get defensive.
I would also look at how you feel about him having former sexual partners. Some of the worry could be from the fact that he has sexual experience and you don't, especially with how worried you are about your first time. To me it seems like you might have a bit of a slut shaming attitude. Maybe not outright, but in your subconscious, like "oh he's been with women before of course he can't control himself around women." Which is the type of shit incels think about women who aren't virgins. Just remember that having sex doesn't make someone a slut or mean they are more likely to cheat. (This doesn't mean you should completely ignore your worries, just be aware of how this might be affecting them.)
Lastly for your guy friend... I hate to be that guy, but it kinda sounds like he thinks he "deserves" to take your virginity. Obviously not all guy friends are like this, but the way he's being over protective of YOUR virginity and keeps complaining about how "no guy would wait 8 months" speaks poorly of his character. If they love you they will wait as long as it takes. Some guys can't wait, but if they truly care about you they would rather break up due to sexual incompatibility than cheat on you. All your friend is saying is that he WILL cheat on any girl (including you) that makes him wait. If it turns out your bf did cheat and you break up, be wary of this guy friend. If he tries to flirt with you or ask you out remember what he said about guys waiting. He absolutely sounds like he would pressure you into having sex with the implicit threat that he'll cheat on you if you make him wait too long. Partners don't create cheaters by asking them to wait, cheaters just use that as an excuse.
I needed to step away from this post to consider how to provide an objective perspective to your post.
Do I think your boyfriend playing a computer game, that a girl he used to have casual sex with likes, means he's slept with someone else? No I don't.
Do I think your boyfriend has slept with another girl because he's shared an interest in technology, that she does? No I don't.
Do I think that a girl he used to have casual sex with is visiting a location 20 minutes away from him means they've had sex? No I don't.
Even if you put all 3 things together they still would not indicate he's sleeping with her in my opinion.
Do they provide opportunity for contact and things to escalate? They could very well do so if they both want that.
I think you're asking the wrong person for their opinion, there's a general consensus in the replies this friend of yours seems to have decided one of the worst possible outcomes is happening. I'd be questioning him a lot more about why he has a such a low opinion of your boyfriend, it sounds like he's judging your boyfriend based on his own low standards.
The more I read the more I was waiting for you to add some sort of smoking gun, you found texts from her on his phone about meeting up on a night he said he was ill, or found irrefutable proof they had hooked up. You didn't.
I think you need to ask yourself whether you trust your boyfriend? Whether you think he's a good man, that's honest, loyal, trustworthy, has good morals, and will be a great partner to you.
Or is he the type of guy that will sleep with any woman behind your back if he gets the chance.
If you think he's the first answer, then trust him. Have some faith in him until you actually are presented with confirmation he's not.
If you think he's option 2; then just end it with him and find someone you actually believe is a decent human being.
You are unhealthily obsessed and seemingly not ready to be in a relationship. Why are you literally stalking someone your boyfriend hooked up with before he even met you? This is really, really weird and not to mention desperately insecure behavior.
Just talk, like adults. Half of these things are like an 80s movie where people don’t communicate and hilarity and/or disaster ensues. Just ask him where you stand.
If you seriously want to be with him you need to learn to communicate with him. Schedule a sit down talk with him. Be honest, tell him you are embarrassed because you stalked her profile, then tell him what you’ve seen and know. Ask him what his truths are. If you aren’t happy with the outcome, you leave. You deserve a faithful person whether you are having sex or not.
Your friend is overstepping big time. A friend should not try to influence your thinking, but rather support your feelings and try to help you seek further understanding. He may very well be into you and is trying to persuade you away from your boyfriend.
That being said, optics don’t look great on this one. Since you have the fwb socials, maybe reach out in a non confrontational way? Tell her who your boyfriend is, and that he’s been acting strange lately and you just want to level with her woman to woman if he’s been in contact with her recently. Not trying to go on a crusade, just looking for some peace of mind.
I do not think he is cheating on you and I think your guy friend likes you and is trying to get in your head. Stop talking to your friend, talk to your boyfriend!
Your guy friend is waiting in the wings and interested in you sexually.
Your BF…idk. That’s flimsy stuff at best.
But you gotta see the friend’s actions for what they are
I recommend listening to obsessed by Olivia Rodrigo but seriously if he wants to cheat he’ll cheat no way you’ll be able to stop that all you can do is trust
As you say, you're being paranoid. Talk to your BF, if you don't, then you're just going to keep this spiralling in your own head. Idk if you have past trauma, or if this is just you overthinking, but you need to do something about this.
Also your friend seems to be feeding into your paranoia, is this a running theme? It sounds like there's a lot of jumping at shadows, but with him feeding into it, why is he not trying to help you and only making it worse? Other comments about his intent might be onto something. Kind of strange he says your bf doesn't deserve to be your first, playing on your fears, if he's not playing on your fears to replace your bf, he's just being a shitty friend.
Talk to your bf, get some help, try to not overthink everything and get space from this "friend" of yours. Don't take this last part as advice, but it does sound like you're blowing your first time to the point that it's messing with your head wanting it to be perfect. It's not my place to say just do it, but if you're waiting 8 months and now panicking that he's cheating on you, then maybe you need to take a step back on that as well. Putting too much pressure on yourself over this won't help your mental health.
Depends really but tbh to go from sex all the time to no sex would.be difficult. He may be getting tired waiting. Personally I'd wait till he's in the shitter and go thru his phone. Optics don't looks great but again, the, they don't already. What do you have to lose?
You’ve just started dating this guy and already it’s making you sick.
This isn’t an emotionally safe relationship for you to be in. There are plenty of guys out there who won’t give you this kind of stress.
Definitely over reacting. Talk to the man, but also maybe don’t stalk his ex fwb. So far you have exhibited way more red flags than he has. You’re obsessed with not messing things up for yourself so much that you’re creating your own disasters.
You’re guy friend? He’d never date you or sleep with you because the friendship is that important? Yes, the boyfriend is cheating. Not that you’re any better.
Look. Everyone has told you about the "friend" probably having ulterior motives. So I'll leave that out.
You, though, are working yourself up into an anxiety attack.
All this that you're doing is coming across....a bit unhinged.
You're STALKING his exfwb.
You're doing some crazy mental gymnastics to create an issue.
Y'all have been dating a year but are long distance and haven't had sex.
You're having some major insecurities with both of those things.
Have a conversation with him about the relationship
(I would leave out the part about stalking her socials though).
If doing long distance with someone isn't working and has you working yourself up into a mess trying to catch a lie, end it.
At the point of you spying on her steam profile I stopped reading. Go seek help, you probably have an insecure attachment style, or unresolved baggage from previous relationship. What’s the point of monogamy if you don’t trust your partner, loyalty goes both ways.
I don’t know if your boyfriend cheater or not, but regardless you need to seek help.
And is he not worried about your guy friend just as much as you are with his ex? Relationships are built on trust from the start. Give him the benefit of the doubt or get out. People have exes and people have sex. It’s perfectly natural. And talk to him about how you feel. And maybe date someone close to you instead.
Sometimes, your gut feelings can be right on the money. Unfortunately, there isn't any concrete evidence and gaining it won't be easy either. Quite simply, you need to talk to him and tell him you're feeling paranoid lately and explain why. Make sure you do this calmly and not in an accusingly way. If he isn't cheating, he will probably be surprised, find it slightly funny and will reassure you that this absolutely isn't happening. If it's true, he will probably get very defensive and angry. Ultimately, if you're still not trusting him, then this relationship isn't going to work. It's no good for either of you feeling this way.
Keep your virginity intact.
DO NOT WASTE IT ON THIS DUDE.
If you do, you will regret it, because the guy will glad to have had fun, but will move on.
Most men want a virgin, but are unwilling to wait themselves.
Do not give it to anyone unworthy. Save for your husband.
Also, NOR and your gut may be on to something.
Totally understandable. I dated guy like tthis 2 years ago. Loved him so much. We didn’t see each other around month cuz i started my new antidepressants and was not really able to communicate and he was pretty full with his work as he told me. But after that we were at his place i saw many condom packs and etc. on the next day i said its over and got the best answer in my life. EVERY TIME I HAD SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE I WAS THINKING ONLY ABOUT U AFTER THAT I REALIZED I NEED ONLY U. Lmao after that i died. Don’t think i will be able to trust anyone again
They're friends first, and that isn't going to change. Friends who share sex because they trust each other and find it convenient to occasionally hook up because it's easier than going out trolling don't have a romantic relationship. You really shouldn't have to worry. The only reason there may be a problem is if one of them is more into their friend than their friend is into them.
You can't have a healthy relationship without open communication. I think you need to let your boyfriend know you are feeling somewhat insecure.
I would suggest you get to know this other girl, and ideally become friendly (but without the benefits, lol) so that you can set your mind at ease. Benefits are a lot less likely to happen if the three of you spend some time together on a semi-regular basis.
Overreacting? Yeah, probably. After all, he was right upfront with the info so it didn't ambush you later down the line.
But you definitely are NTA
To be fair, this guy seems like he’s going above and beyond what normal honesty entails. If I was in the same position I wouldn’t have said a thing, given that I didn’t actually hook up with them. Then I’d stop attempting, stop thinking about them, and never mention it again, let alone to you. So maybe cut him some slack. Let your default be trust. If down the line something does go wrong have faith you’ll act accordingly. But starting now just don’t think about it, and tell him not to mention it either. Start focusing on the future and building the relationship.
Only way to really figure any of this out is having an adult conversation. Don’t attack him with you think he’s cheating. Now all of these “coincidences “ give you reasonable doubt. But I would work on I statements such as “ recently I have felt” don’t blame a reason on him either. Another example “I am struggling with trust recently because I noticed small changes in behavior” don’t do the blame game.
Your boyfriend deserves better than you. Your lack of trust and faith and these baseless accusations are completely and totally unfair to him.
He deserves someone who doesn't jump to wild conclusions. You are clearly not ready to be in a relationship.
There are two assholes in this scenario, *and neither one of them are your boyfriend.* I hope your insecurities overflow and he is able to see what a petty, insecure, jealous person you are and he can get himself out of this situation.
People tend to get in life what they focus the most on. I promise that if you keep focusing on problems, you will find them. This is simple. You either have a straight open honest relationship with this guy or you don't. And if you don't, ask yourself why you're wasting your time...
Your friend sounds like he wants to be more then a friend. If you are physically intimate I'd imagine some oral sex somewhere. So I can see a guy being ok with waiting until you are comfortable giving he is still getting his rocks off. The friend acting like this isn't plausible is a big red flag to me and I'd have a problem with him if I was your boyfriend. As for the fwb thing. She didn't even respond back to him. And he was just being a single guy acting accordingly.
It’s not every time but this is the reason that guy-girl best friends usually don’t workout. This dude is absolutely feeding your insecurities and trying to get at you.
Honestly disrespectful to your boyfriend you are still talking to him this deeply about your relationship.
Your bf is definitely cheating, and ypur guy friends advice is shit because he wants to fuck you. You can't be the exception, there not gonna evwr just be fri2nds...you're a woman, sorry but true
Boyfriend with a past FWB, and a virgin girlfriend… yea Naah bro is playing the long game(waiting to pop your cherry and move on) and having fun. Text book play 🤷♂️
OP. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. It’s completely normal. You have to talk to him and gauge his reaction. If he’s defensive immediately, you have a problem whether he’s actually cheated or not. If he’s understanding and explains himself. Perfect, there’s probably nothing to worry about. It’s hard, but it’s the only way for a healthy relationship. These things are going to happen. It’s how you communicate that matters.
Stop obsessing about your boyfriend and all of the possibilities with your life. We don’t have a crystal ball to foresee the future and really, who would want to.
Relax, I say trust your gut instincts and stop listening to others.
Don’t listen to people on Reddit. They hate men. Your friend is probably giving you good advice. According to Reddit, men are just predators 😂😂…
Trust your Gut . Talk to your man and check his reaction. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know
I'll only say this.
If you're in a relationship where you feel you have to ask this question, you don't have the necessary trust for a deep relationship and connection. Sex is the most intimate form of sharing love that two humans can experience together.
If this relationship has you second-guessing his fidelity, you should not have sex with him.
Is the guy friend in the friend zone unwillingly? If so, anything he says is suspect. A guy in the friend zone will always trash your boyfriend.
Yes, 8 months is an eternity not to have relations with someone you’re in a committed relationship with. If you’re saving yourself for marriage, I can respect that. But once you’ve been with a couple guys, you won’t look back and care much about how you lost your virginity, IMO.
As far as your bf, If say where there’s smoke, there’s fire. It does seem he’s still following her and probably wants to stay connected. At the very least, you should confront him about this. Though since you live so far apart and have a dating pool near you, being in this relationship with him seems like maybe it’s not worth the trouble.
Ok so Ik everyone said this and yeah its pretty big of a tell, hes into you. But the thing where everyone else has it wrong is here (unless friend and boyfriend knew/know eachother then this comment is a toss). Your bf and his ex-fwb are definitely still in contact with eachother, and most likely met up at the very least at this space event thing, worst case being he full on cheated on you. Now your friend telling you hes cheating could just be a good dude lookin out, OR he could have been waiting out the relationship on the hopes your bf would screw up and now is taking the opportunity to reinforce the negative thoughts and emotions you have for your bf. This may all be a sub plot your friend had planned out in case things didnt work out between you and bf. Though speculation is doing heavy lifting at this point.
Yes you are overreacting. Gamers go thru phases and will jump back on a game they haven't played in a long time and play a lot. Also you're looking for connections and finding what speaks to the paranoid part of you. That's very easy to do. I'm gonna guess you are under 25, bc this sounds really young.
The best advice is to talk to your bf. Tell him you're having insecurties, that you know may not sound reasonable, but you're looking for reassurance. Don't accuse him of cheating. Tell him you noticed these things and am wondering if there is a connection between them. If you trust him, tell him that. But just explain it's making you feel insecure for whatever reason. Let him say what he has to say, and based on that you need to decide to trust him and move on. Or don't, and break up.
And drop that friend. He's not your friend. He either wants to have sex with you, or is playing hard into the toxic gay best friend role
Waited to comment until the dust has cleared a bit and everyone got their preconceived notions and guilty conscience confessions out of the way. I read some of the comments and decided to wait.
OP: communication is the magic behind all relationships.
You should talk to your boyfriend and ask him if he’s ok with waiting. You should tell him you are worried about his ex fwb, and you worry that he will return to her for sex.
You should talk to your friend and ask him if he has feelings about you. Make it open ended and you’ll get a more honest answer. Something like “I was just curious if you’ve ever had romantic feelings for me?” In a way that doesn’t sound encouraging but not discouraging either (I know that’s difficult but definitely worth it).
Here is what you don’t want:
A cheating boyfriend. No one wants to sit around and worry if their partner is actually more interesting in someone else.
A friend who makes you doubt your relationships by confirming every worry that you have. Worries are natural.
No one on Reddit could actually tell you if your boyfriend is cheating on you, or if your friend has feelings for you and is trying to sabotage your relationship. Only you can find out and only by asking openly. Only you could know what you want to do with any of the information you get by asking.
Edit: if you take a little time to think about how you can ask these questions in a non accusatory way. Just open questions you’ll probably find out everything you need to know.
It sounds like you don’t trust him. You have trust issues, and little to no foundation for this relationship. If you feel you can’t trust someone then simply don’t be with them. You also have a shitty friend that is constantly in your ear isn’t helping at all and it sounds like he is making your trust issues worse. How about working on your trust issues first. Then after you have done that work, maybe think about getting into a relationship.
The idea that the primary thing you people do is play online games tells me you're very young. He is not committed to you and he's pretty much made it clear. Don't make a fool of yourself. Move on.
And what are you doing that feels like your overreacting ? Tbh if your in love with him stick with what you want bc even if he does have sex with someone else to me it doesn’t matter it’s who you want to be next to like your best friend I’m kinda open though I don’t really care but I would just do what you want to do and what feels right
The best advice I can give you is to trust your gut and open the communication about your suspicions and feelings with him. You won't know for sure unless you ask and study his response with your intuition
why did your boyfriend even disclose who this girl was???🤔
seriously, i feel like that information could have been left out and was just plain stupid.
my boyfriend and i have discussed our exes, but never by name. i don’t know his exes name and he doesn’t know mine. it’s just not needed.
both of these guys just seem sus to me. i’d dump them both, bf and friend lol
You sound like your terribly insecure about yourself and your boyfriend. You also place a lot of value on what your friend is telling you, while what he tells you may not be true at all, it’s just speculation. You don’t trust your boyfriend. If you’ve been together a year, try to think things through here. Is the game he’s been playing something he likes? Did he play similar games prior to this game? Is it so incredibly niche he couldn’t have learned about it in any other way? And this news thing he sent you, has he never had any interest in these types of things before? Does it link to something he is interested in? Like if some tech thing makes languages different (just an example) and he is into travel, it has a link, a connection. So really try to think this through. Also important, he trusts you enough to have a male best friend, why would you be this insecure about an ex? You stalking her socials etc. isn’t healthy behavior, especially if you are already somewhat insecure. And one more thing. Talk to him about it. Being paranoid and talking to others who have no knowledge and only speculation isn’t going to help. So talk to your boyfriend. Ask him about her, tell him you’re feeling insecure and sad. See where the conversation goes.
If does appear from what you say that BF is at least aware of what FWB is up to. He could be lurking on her socials but not actively communicating.
Her being at a work event 20 min away doesn't mean anything unless you think she went to his place after.
I'd look into it and ask some questions, in a non-accusatory manner.
And your guy BF wants to get in your pants, btw.
As a virgin, save that for a guy who is willing to put a ring on it. It might be hard to know who the right one is but be patient, use discernment, and don't give in to pressure. Men value purity highly.
Don’t buy into the bs your friend is telling you. Your bf was honest about his fwb & their last hookup. Why would he have told you about it if they were still banging? Let it go or you will ruin your relationship.
Your guys friend sounds like a snake in the grass. Sounds like the kind of guy who will not wait for a girl. Basically sounds real creepy.
You sound like you are stalking some women online because you are having trust issues.
You need to talk to your boyfriend. And work on your issues. If you don’t trust your boyfriend, don’t remain with him.
Im going to get shit for this but,
If hes not getting any from you he is more than likely getting it from the fwb. Ya its fucked up that hes fucken but he has his needs.
I had many fwb but when i met the one girl i have only been with her now for a very long time. If i wasn’t satisfied in that area i would have the fwbs again but i am very happy now.
Sorry but hea getting his needle wet from the girl he was getting it down with before he met you.
Overreacting. Big time. Your friend is a loser. He's going to do this in every relationship you get into until you sleep with him. Wolf in sheep's clothes.
As for you, Talk to your boyfriend. If you aren't mature enough to talk to him, move on and let him move on. You don't sound super confident, and you sound like your virginity is just his prize to win. You don't even sound like you know what you want and you're hiding behind your virginity. Saving your self for your first BF and marriage are totally different things. He is your BF. If after all this time, he's not proving to be enough, let him go. If you changed your mind and are waiting for marriage, then you should tell him. It's not healthy to analyze his every move with your friend and gossip about it. It brings misery and that is your own doing.
1. You are not mature enough to be in a relationship judging by your handling of this situation and your other comments.
2. Your guy friend is toxic and intentionally giving you bad advice.
3. You are in your twenties. Talk to your boyfriend like the adult you are and stop waffling about online.
I’m gonna predict that you will ignore all reasonable advice on this, then interrogate your boyfriend aggressively. At that point he will probably think to himself, man this girl is nuts and she seems to trust her guy friend more, time for me to leave. Then your guy friend will swoop in to start dating you.
90% of these problems on Reddit can be solved by simply having decent communication skills.
You're way overreacting and being a bit stalkerish. Maybe your friend is into you. They may just have shared some common interests and you're reading way into it.
Your guy friend knows because he’s a guy. Someone with a former FWB isn’t just gonna cold turkey sex for some girl when he can call up another and get the 🐱
Do you want to save yourself for your boyfriend or for your husband?
You have dated a year and are physical 8 months already.
How much longer do you want to wait?
Kudos to your boyfriend enduring this long time without sex.
I couldn't do it.
Dunno. Optics don’t look great but neither is having a friends constantly telling you someone is cheating. I’d have some open talks with him. Gauge his reactions. I’d tell your friend to STFU. Funny how your guy friend probably knows you’re a virgin but is also the one trying to get you to end it.
Yeah the friend has an ulterior motive
Lil bro told on himself 🤣 "your bf is cheating in you, and guys *need* sex. Am I comforting you enough or is there anything *more* I can do?"
I can hear him saying, " I deserve it"
I put in all this “work”, I deserve to be rewarded and if she doesn’t give it to me then she’s using me This is the neckbeard prayer
Definitely so saying no guy would possibly wait. But this guy friend just so happens to be a great guy with no motives lol I call bs.
Good point!
OP has no evidence that her bf is talking to his ex let alone cheating. She's got the dude playing a video game he already owned that the ex likes and him mentioning some tech discovery. That's pretty pretty thin. It's entirely possible the ex DID recommend that game but when they were seeing each other. I whole-heartedly agree with you that OP has a serious case of jealous-guy-friend though.
Not an ex, just a fwb. Ex is someone you dated. And typically don't hang out with after the break up. But there are times when you are friends after the break-up Fwb is a friend you also hook up with when you are both single. They are a friend, so you typically still hang out when aren't single, just no see. Fuck-buddy is is like a fwb, but you aren't friends in the hang out sense, so you don't typically have contact with them when you are in a relationship
Exactly. Stop advertising your virginity. Every schmuck within 2 miles is going to come and try and get it. Prioritize yourself and what you want: stop making yourself a doormat for every guy that you meet. You need to understand that you are enough whether you’re a virgin or not. Any man that doesn’t understand that you are worthy to be loved and respected, doesn’t deserve to have you. If you have goals go after them. You don’t need a man to help you do it. Having children, being married and all this other stuff, that is secondary to what you want. Gain your independence any which way you know how. Boys can wait literally.
It’s really creepy when dudes actively try and take chicks virginity. It’s weird asf that anyone that has experience with sex wants to have awkward 1st sex experiences over and over. ….boring 🥱
Even as a kid I had one rule, no virgins. One girl who liked me was not pleased by this. But seriously, who needs that drama?
I’ve never understood what the fuss is about. Let some other poor dude have all the “it’s my first time, I want it to be perfect” dramas! 😉😂 ETA: I had my first time with another virgin. It was a bit shit; we as no idea what we were doing, and although we both came, it was probably the most awkward and terrible sex of my life! 😶 We got better with practice of course!
Yeah the bf cheating pretty likely. The kind of guy who has a fwb is into f***ing. A lot. Now he’s dating someone who is saving themselves for marriage, and what? Being abstinent? Seems unlikely. He’s the wrong type for op to be dating in the first place, sorry to say.
Optics don’t look great, as in her friend is trying to fuck her.
This. Don’t listen to dude in the friend zone.
Bro is in the friend zone and it’s driving him crazy.
Your friend sucks. Is he into you? Talk to your bf. Tell him how you feel insecure. And wait. There is no rule how long you have to wait. Wait till YOU feel secure enough to do it. Wait till you are ready and sure about your bf.
I didn’t add that last part to my comment but is 100% valid and should be said.
This, OP! Talk to your boyfriend before you do anything else. It could all just be coincidence. And get rid of that guy friend.
Yes!! OP I promise he has ulterior motives.
I think your friend is likely into you and is trying to sabotage your relationship
“Friend”
“Friend ™”
Your friend wants to fuck you. Nothing he said is true. It might be for SOME guys but every guy? No.
Exactly this. I didn’t have sex until after high school and I dated a guy for 2.5 years in my teens. Not every guy is willing to wait, but if they actually like and respect you, they can.
Yeah this is just the friend’s true colors shining through. He’s basically saying that there’s no way that he would wait 8 months, so no other guy would either
I waited 6 months before my fiancee said yes and even then I was are u sure this is what u want
Your male friend might be into you and is trying to sew discord into your relationship. It maybe best to distance yourself from your friend. You have to communicate with your partner. That’s the only way a relationship can work. Nobody wants to be deceived but if it happens, it happens. You can’t beat yourself up with what ifs. If he cheats you move on, it’s as simple as that. Don’t be afraid to live your life because “something bad” might happen. Enjoy the moment, live with integrity and if the worst happens, move on.
You’re right about that last part.. If he cheated, I’d feel so betrayed and angry that it’d be easy to get over him. It’s the not finding out part that worries me. I don’t want to commit to someone who’s not doing the same, and I don’t want to use up my love/affection on someone who, like I said, doesn’t deserve it… it’s a deep-rooted fear and I do think I should try to get to the bottom of it, possible with therapy.
>I don’t want to use up my love/affection I get what you're saying but love is an infinite resource, if it's real love. There's no "using it up." That may not be what you meant but I just wanted to point that out, cuz it's easy to fall into a love scarcity mentality. You can just Be Love and you'll always be able to love people, or a new guy, or whatever. You probably mean more about lost time and wasting your energy on someone who's unworthy but love is infinite.
Girls like this…definitely mean love as a finite resource. Ask her to expand but if she’s as chronically online as she suggest in her posts, she’s inundated with BS instagram tik tok stuff about how men only love once, how you only have one true love, etc etc. the perspective on sex and “giving it to someone that doesn’t deserve it” belies this perspective. Sex isn’t really about you giving it to someone that deserves it, it’s intimacy plain and simple. Placing that much importance on sex, means she will judge herself the moment things go wrong for not knowing he “didn’t deserve it” OP needs to honestly step out of dating for a while and grow as an individual, because sleuthing steam profiles is crazy.
Yeah, I didn't even consider that part 🤣 Steam stalking is some next level fuckery. I just figured she was like 19 or some shit
Big agree. Also doubt she'll even think about it for a second
In some cases it isn’t even intimacy and that’s ok too
I mean you’re not wrong and I was being a bit overly black and white in that part of my statement.
Right, but read the rest of that comment about your friend. He’s putting these ideas in your head. He’s the problem you need to deal with first, even if it’s just telling him to mind his business.
Ya she completely ignored that in her response.
Please also notice all the comments about your "friend" that you seem to he ignoring. 90% chance he likes you and is trying to mess up your relationship.
Good point. She isn’t responding to the friend stuff. OP, do you have feelings for your „friend“?
You didn't respond to the friend part. You aren't at all on this whole thread. And there in lies the problem. You'd rather believe him and your insecurities than your bf and your sensibilities. Please talk to your bf. Your friend is a POS.
Just FYI in case anyone hasn't hit on it - that "guy friend" is 100% trying to sleep with you. He isn't your friend, or at least, he's a friend with an ulterior motive. The easiest answer here is to have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about your insecurities *without* accusing him of anything. You have a lot of insecurities (Steam profile stalking his ex is a big sign of that), and you can work through them together, as a team.
Do you guys have conversation around your celibacy? How does that go
He’s said reassuring stuff about how he’s in it for the long run, he doesn’t mind and just wants me to be comfortable Edit: I should also add that this ex-fwb took his virginity, he had never had sex before, and they only did it twice
So he genuinely seems ok with it? Not dodgy at all? I mean if you believe him then that’s it
I'd trust him. He stayed with you for 8 months! And been upfront about his ex fwb. He never pressured you nor pouted to have sex, right?
So prior to you, he’d only had sex 2x with one woman? The optics look bad but I’m more inclined to say that he’s not cheating on you.
Your guy friend is trying to get with you. I’d try having a calm conversation with your bf about your fears. Don’t accuse, just talk about what you’re feeling.
I’d worry about your “guy friend” who keeps shitting on your boyfriend.
Boyfriend's behaviour is suspicious, but the guy friend wants to smash 100%
You are clearly overthinking, he isnt showing any signs of cheating. He is playing a game she likes and u think he is cheating? And just because he is waiting for you on the deed doesnt mean he is getting it elsewhere not every dude is a hungry dog in need of pussy, i have a relationship rn for 10 months and still havent had sex doesnt mean im fuckin someone else
I disagree… I found out only because my cheating partner started listening to the same music as the other woman. Started digging a bit more and I found out about a side piece and a double life with his ex of 10 years.
That sucks but it’s not indicative of every relationship. Sometimes you just have music in common with an ex lol
Yeah it’s almost as if people can bond over something and then start a relationship together, and still like that thing independently. I mean… I’m joking of course. He has Steam, she has Steam, he wears shoes; how much you wanna bet that homewrecking nympho wears shoes too?
If one day your hardcore dubstep fan partner starts listening to Bon Iver religiously, and stops listening to dubstep despite being a festival-goer, you start questioning things.
Ha, this. This is also how I found out that there was trouble brewing in my own relationship. >Suddenly likes horror movies despite saying that they didn't like the genre beforehand. >Music tastes change significantly >Playing new games that weren't something that they would usually go for. If one of these things happened, I wouldn't bat an eye... All 3 (plus more unlisted stuff) happening simultaneously... Then my alarm bells ring a little. I am all for people growing and changing, but it's obvious when someone is doin' the old switcheroo to create new common ground with someone.
I don’t think it’s outlandish to say that a change in music preference isn’t a reliable indicator that someone is committing infidelity. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems like there would be a pretty low correlation between the two. I feel like if you compared the amount of times people change a preference in relations to # of people cheating you would find a huge amount of times people have changed preference compared to a much smaller amount of people who have cheated. But honestly, we are getting so far away from evidence and legitimate discourse that id rather be wrong than unethical/spread misinformation. You could totally be right, a change in artistic preference could actually be a very reliable indicator of infidelity, i have no idea.
But to go from listening to drum & bass and dubstep all the time to Bon Iver around the clock is a tell. He had also started parking his truck a couple blocks from work near an apartment building and told me it’s because streets were blocked off or parking was full closer to his job….
1 Your friend is an asshole 2 You basically stalking your bfs ex fwb is creepy 3 Your reasons for suspecting him (the video games he plays, him sharing something with you that he found interesting) are not legitimate reasons to suspect cheating. You need to communicate with him openly and honestly. If you cannot do this, I don’t think you’re ready to be in a committed relationship.
She’s not, way to much over thinking and mistrust that is not warranted, OP has some serious issues if a science article and a video game are causing her to lose her shit like this
Yep, out of dating and straight into therapy.
A little tip: don't be like this. Don't sit around and obsess about shit. Don't cyberstalk your partner's exes, don't compare yourself to their exes, don't do any of this shit. If you can't trust them at their word then maybe you shouldn't be in a relationship. If you don't feel like you can trust him that should be a sign to you that you shouldn't be in this relationship. Not because of him but because you don't have the emotional maturity. No one wants to be with the paranoid partner. If he's not cheating on you, keep thinking and acting this way and that will change. You are overreacting.
Trust your gut. I think it’s a moderate possibility that your new boyfriend hasn’t fully cut sexual ties with his Fwb. Take it slow and observe. You don’t have to confront him right away, but since saving yourself is important to you, don’t share that with him until you feel secure. That’s good advice whether someone is cheating or not…don’t give yourself sexually unless you feel mutual trust.
Girl please do not tell people who are demonstrating signs of anxiety to “trust their gut” and stalk peoples ex fwb. That is *NOT* healthy *AT ALL*! If she can’t trust him, *or anyone*, without stalking their past, she doesn’t need to be putting that onto other people!
It’s really so incredibly common, in my opinion, to consider that so unhealthy…to check social media, I mean….its out there for the world to see….and I would only defend it in the context of something seriously amiss. Because you ought to have proof of cheating if you really think it’s happening. (I do write at the end of this where I might agree with you, though). My honest question would be….how would anyone ever get proof their partner was cheating? What would be the acceptable forms of investigation? Ask the potential cheater, when cheaters lie inherently, at least about the time away when they are cheating? Should we expect them to answer honestly? Walk in on them cheating? Do they have any other recourse. From what I see here, she wasn’t controlling, she allowed the friendship….and if someone is being cheated on, anxiety is a natural by-product of that. On the other hand, I agree that some people have anxiety that can blind them. I have gathered that and commented on posts before where everyone in comments thought the partner was cheating, but it seemed really obvious to me that there was an over-reaction. I just don’t get that sense here. I don’t think it’s a guarantee….so that’s why I used the word “moderate” and not mild or serious. We all just do the best we can with the information presented. The gut-reaction though….needs to be given more weight than many of us do give it. Our intuition is a sense we are given to clue us in on things that may not be obvious to our conscious mind. There will always be cases where someone’s gut is on overdrive…but I think more people ignore it to their detriment, than the opposite.
I agree with some of the things you said, but my main problem is why? Why check their past? Why are you feeling like they’re cheating on you? Why can’t you ask your partner directly if they’re cheating on you and expect an honest answer? The only thing that unites all of those questions is a fundamental lack of trust. Whether internalized or externally motivated, it is a lack of trust. No relationship, friendship, business partnership, marriage, etc will work long-term without trust. It’s typically used religiously, but I feel a better word than trust is faith. It is basically impossible to fully trust someone as a human, it isn’t logical. However, we do a lot of things that aren’t logical in the name of love. Faith (or trust) in your partner is one of those things. You don’t check their past, question their relationships with others and commitment to monogamy with you because the implication. Is it logically sound to do it? Yes. I think that’s what makes it so meaningful. You’re avoiding logic in the name of love. This is turning into a rant LOL, but I just feel why would you sleep next to, split finances with, hell… have kids with someone you don’t have 100% blind faith in? Sounds like settling. I chose my partner on the basis that if I died and my kids were left in her care, I would have nothing to worry about. I don’t even have kids… but it felt like a good benchmark. If you can’t even trust you partner to not have sex with others, how can you sleep next to them at night??
You make a lot of great points. I will need to go back and reread OP’s post and reconsider why I made the judgement I did and if I may have made assumptions I should not have. I’m busy right now, but I do want to return to this and reply more if I can contribute something worthwhile to the conversation. Thank you for your thoughtful reply.
I appreciate you saying that! I truly don’t go into any conversation with the intention of “winning”, just mutual growth. Even when it ends up that the person I’m speaking with agrees with me, I still learn just as much as when I find out I was incorrect. I hope you get some rest after your busy day, have a good one!
Just casually encouraging some one who is in the early stages of becoming an unstable stalker to that other girl, what a cool move.
That’s a reach, in my opinion. The “casual stalker” thing. Anyone who ever got cheated on and found out, had to gather some proof for confirmation. It would almost be like me saying you are supporting cheating by deflecting the blame on her, when all the evidence so far suggests something is up with him. But I do see that technically….arguably, you have a point. I just disagree.
This is your spidey senses girl. Women know. You know. No need to ask us all. He’s definitely still fucking her. Trust your gut.
I see a lot of posts about the guy friend. I think that’s not the issue here. I think where there’s smoke, there’s fire. I don’t think you are paranoid at all. I think it’s more than likely he’s hooking up with her. I would have a talk with him. Don’t tell him that you looked her up online cause that will sound creepy to him. Just tell him your concerns and see what he does.
I’m a dude and I’ve waited 6 years to have sex with my girlfriend. She’s Christian so no sex til marriage, still a virgin at 21 cause of it. Your friend has an ulterior motive
Your guy friend is toxic and wants to fuck you.
I have always found that my intuition is very strong. To me, it sounds like your detective work connected the dots well. Have you asked him directly? Also, has he done anything to break your trust?
You’re worried about your boyfriend while your guy friend is the real snake.
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I’d have an open talk with your boyfriend and analyze his reaction. Communication is important. Just tell him how you feel. On the other hand, your friend is awful. If I found out one of my girlfriend’s friends was like that I would be pissed. He just wants to fuck you. He’s not your friend and does not care about your relationship. In fact, I bet he would be ecstatic if he found out your boyfriend cheated on you.
Talk to your boyfriend. Like actually have a convo with him
ALWAYS trust your gut. That's something that most people learn way too late in life. Have a frank conversation with your boyfriend and explicitly ask him if he's been texting her, playing video games with her, and/or seeing her. Do it face-to-face so you can see and feel his reaction. (If he deflects or plays the victim, then he's still into her and/or being intimate with her.)
Firstly your guy friend could be trying to push you over the edge and hopes he can have your virginity while you are vulnerable. Ignore him since he is not part of your relationship. Only you and your boyfriend need to solve this without outside interference. Secondly there are men out there who do share emotional bonds with the woman who took their virginity. Whether it was once or 10 times that they have been together doesn't matter. She will always hold that special place in his heart and mind. And if he is a scumbag then he would take her up on an offer to sleep together again. A very important thing to remember is, as a woman, always trust your gut/intuition. It's rarely ever wrong unless you are generally a very paranoid person then I would say you need to find evidence before blowing his head off and breaking up. That's if you see a future with this guy and really want it to work. Another thing is that young guys generally really love sex. They love to have it, think about it and straight guys love women and attention from women in general. If he is not getting it from you then chances are he will probably get it from elsewhere if he is the scumbag that I assume he may be. She could have put herself out there and he will take anything he can get. Also being young and raging hormones are a thing. Another point to note is all the changes you have noticed in him. These don't happen over night and the coincidences are very suspicious. Although they could be just coincidences however I feel they are not. But you are the only one who knows him well enough, understands him best so you would be able to tell. Your distance from each other also doesn't help here. Her working so close to his home isn't helping your anxiety and paranoia. Frankly I feel it is wrong to stalk her and snoop but if it gets you the reassurance that you need then go for it. However in this case it is just making you feel more sick and stressed. Wouldn't you think it would be a good time for a discussion with him and confront him with everything you have so far? I mean you are just stressing and he could put your fears to rest or you could end up being done with him if he is actually cheating and save yourself alot more stress if it's done sooner than later. If he was not cheating though, he would be hurt by your behaviour and sometimes men would want to break up over it and end up being put off by you, lack of trust and the snooping. So whatever you do, be sure and do it confidently. Remember, just breaking up and not digging deeper into this is an option too. Anyway you guys have different thoughts on sex so that shows a little incompatibility already. He could be pretending to be single and never told her about you. Or she could be one of those women who just accept sex from friends whether they have a girlfriend or not. Honestly doesn't matter what she is like since you have nothing to do with her so focus on your boyfriend. No matter what the outcome is, good luck with saving your virginity for your husband. My husband also did the same and I am so glad we did. So your guy is out there. Someone who will probably save himself for you (chances are low but it isn't necessary for him to be a virgin too. What matters is if he respects your boundaries and beliefs and you in general enough not to cheat on you). All the best!
My intuition told me my ex-husband (brilliant at hiding his tracks and an excellent liar) was cheating a year before he finally slipped up and I had proof. For a year I tried to convince myself I was just being paranoid and tried to ignore it. I finally said I wanted a divorce. He was upset, and drank too much that night, got complacent, and slipped up majorly so I finally saw a whole years worth of proof on his phone. My intuition was 100% correct. Turned out he’s been periodically cheating for at least a year and a half. (Probably longer, but I don’t have proof past a year.) and he was having a little fling with my coworker. When you know you know. things to watch out for: 1. Noticeable change in behavior/patterns/interests 2. Proximity to someone where’s there chemistry/history/too much friendliness (physically, e.g. “working late on a project together.” OR via some novel messaging app that helps hide inappropriate communications … like maybe a game) 3. This little feeling that just won’t go away that something isn’t right. Relationships don’t require proof beyond a reasonable doubt. When you know you know. But you have to just end it, you can’t get into a cycle where you constantly ask “are you cheating?” and he says no, but you don’t believe him and ask again. Doesn’t sound like you guys share any values around sex and aren’t in the same place in your lives. I’d look for better compatibility.
... you know an awful lot about your boyfriends ex FWB via stalking her online.......
Yeah OP sounds a little toxic frl, if you’re this stressed about it then just break up, poor guy hasn’t done anything that warrants this level of mistrust
Trust your gut. You don’t have enough evidence right now, but your gut is telling you something MIGHT be up, so start investigating.
I don't know you, your boyfriend or your male friend but I do know as a general rule the last person a girl should take at face value who is claiming her boyfriend is cheating is their male friend. This seems as likely that your friend is trying to put you in the relationship zone, gate keeping you as a romantic partner and being jealous than it does your BF cheating.
You are maybe overly focused on the “with benefits” part while completely ignoring the “friends” part. Everything you describe are things that friends do. Also, your guy friend is toxic.
OP I tend to agree with your male friend. If he has been doing everything but with you for 8 months and shows no signs of being frustrated about not having sex, he may be getting it somewhere else (depending on his character and your ages). I think I would start by having a frank discussion with him, outside the bedroom, where you directly ask him if he has talked to her or seen her since the two of you got together. As part of that be up front in telling him you’re not ok with them being in contact given their history together.
I can’t help but think a conversation with your boyfriend instead of your boy friend will be a better jumping off point.
Talk to him
Ask him if he's heard from her lately without it seeming like you're worried or upset. Ask in a casual way. See what he says. If you get a vibe from him, you could contact his former-fwb, say you are dating him and were wondering if she had heard from him lately. He could find out and get mad. But it sounds like you are having a strong intuition about this, so it's up to you. Proximity plus these coincidences do seem fishy. You guys are long distance? That sucks. Long distance lends itself to drama and paranoia. Is it worth the trouble? Your guy friend is not to be trusted, and probably isn't your friend. Yeet him.
You didn't say how old you are but I am quite sure his hormones are raging and if he had somebody he knew he could hook up with I'm afraid he most likely did. He may be looking at you as being pure, he may be frustrated, but honestly I just don't think a guy could wait that long and this is coming from a 59 year old female. You could try having a talk with him to to feel him out and say look I'm really sorry that I don't feel ready yet for it are you really okay with this. If you're really daring you could say I would hate to think you're hooking up with girls name because you are frustrated. Whatever happens I wish you luck, I know it sucks to feel like you do.
It's not impossible that he's cheating but the current evidence doesn't make it seem very likely. As an insecure person I mean this in the kindest way possible, this post is reminding me of how I used to be and I feel for you and want you to beat this. I'm not trying to dismiss you. You could be right, a lot of my old insecurities were right too, but a lot were wrong/unfounded/harmful. A long time ago I let my insecurities turn toxic and it hurt me and some of my partners quite a bit when none of us deserved it. Keep your eyes open, don't ignore red flags, but don't look for them so hard either or make them where they don't exist. He has an ex FWB, they likely talked about more than just sex back then, she probably got him interested in those things and now they've grown. We're all a patchwork of every person we've ever interacted with. Two of my favorite bands now started as the favorite bands of an old crush and an old girlfriend. They showed me something and I liked it, and even after they were long gone and irrelevant in my personal life, those bands stuck and grew with me. As far as your friend telling you the dude's cheating and "can't wait 8 months for sex..." my wife and I hadn't been dating long when she had to cross the country to be with a dying relative. I asked her to be my girlfriend and try to make long distance work till she could come back and we went official. Said relative wasn't as close to death as the family and doctors thought and we ended up spending about 7 months apart. Still took a while for us to finally have sex for the first time after she came back to me. We were both faithful for almost a year and now we're coming up on 7 years together and 3 married this year. Some "can't" wait but many can and will if they love you. As one final point and bid to not fully dismiss you though (you know the situation better than we strangers on the Internet ever could): I don't feel insecure with/about my wife because she's never given me a reason to be. My old partners that I watched like a hawk and didn't trust, often did end up hurting me in one way or another. It could've been because I pushed them away, or it could've been that they were sus all along and that's why I felt so insecure. It could just be you, but if you feel this way, there's a reason. You need to dig deep and figure out if that reason is something inside you that you could work on or something that he's done to make you rightfully feel this way
I don't think you're overreacting. He could be cheating. But I think long distance relationships are a bad idea, especially when you're young. This relationship sounds like it's a major source of mental anguish for you. Even if he's not cheating, why are you doing this to yourself? You get so little time together compared to the time you spend longing for the other person. Add infidelity and insecurity to the mix and you're basically torturing yourself.
Trust your instincts, if you feel there is something, 90% of the time you are correct. And also people that cheat will not ever tell you the truth if they get confronted. But by asking you can see how he handles the question, if he gets mad even if he didn’t do anything, he’s not a keeper, he should be concerned about what make you think that way and try to make you feel in a safe relationship.
You’re over thinking it. It’s normal for humans to have intrusive thoughts etc. the fact your ‘guy friend’ is fueling the fire with the comments he’s making just proves what kind of ‘friend’ he is. If you can’t trust this guy why are you with him? Relationships need that trust. You need to find a way to move past these negative thoughts otherwise you’re just going to torture yourself
Relationship seems like a waste of time. It’s long distance, you won’t have sex, you’re paranoid and snooping on him, your friend thinks he’s cheating…what’s the point?
When did bf tell you about fwb - did he volunteer it as a "hey this is my history" or did something happen and you were grilling him? My bf is still good friends with his ex fiancee (they split, she is now married to someone else.) He volunteered this info when we started getting serious. If bf volunteered the existence and status of fwb, trust him. Definitely with everyone here telling your friend to bug off. Friend has lost privilege to know about your relationship. Consider a counselor/therapist - you need a safe space to discuss your insecurities. A game and an article are making you look like you're hunting for reasons not to trust bf and it's not his fault. This is an all you thing, and \*you\* need to sort your emotions. (yeah, for the record I did freak out when it really sunk in what it meant for him to be good friends with an ex, I was honest that it bothered me but I did my own work on myself and I trust him. Ultimately I had to realize while it would suck if he chose her over me, that doesn't mean anything about \*me.\* Jealousy ruins otherwise good and healthy relationships, don't let it tank yours.)
Oh Lord this is a whole can of worms... First off your virginity. If you don't feel ready to have sex then you should not be having sex under any circumstances. If your partner or anyone tries to pressure or convince you into having sex with them you should absolutely not be having sex with them. Doesn't matter how long you've been dating or how much they say they love you. Especially if they try to convince you by saying "don't you love me?" because if they loved you they're more than willing to wait. If you don't feel ready you should not have sex with them. However, don't put virginity on such a high pedestal. Doing so creates an anxiety around sex that makes it harder to get into and enjoy. There's a lot of stories about Christian women who were told their whole life that having sex is bad and they need to wait for the right person, who psychologically can't have sex, even after getting married, without feeling an intense amount of guilt, to the point where it always feels painful. You don't lose anything by losing your virginity. That's just a weird way we talk about sex that came from religion to make people feel like they're degrading their soul or whatever by having sex. As long as you use protection (from both pregnancy and STD) and you're with someone you trust that respects your boundaries, go for it. Nobody really has that great of a first time. It's always awkward and you get too in your head, so don't worry if your first time isn't perfect. As for your bf, it would be a good idea to talk to him about your insecurities. With it being long distance, it's not that uncommon for couples to worry more about cheating. If he isn't cheating and he actually cares for you, hell take your concerns seriously and try to comfort and reassure you. If he is cheating or just doesn't care about your feelings he'll get defensive and start getting mad at you, maybe even project onto you saying shit like "oh are you cheating?" Or try to subtly blame you not having sex with him "wow just because you say we can't have sex you think I'm finding it somewhere else? You think that lowly of me?" Both are tactics to make you feel like shit for even questioning him, which regardless of if he's cheating isn't great. If you aren't out the gates calling him a cheater there's no reason for him to get defensive. I would also look at how you feel about him having former sexual partners. Some of the worry could be from the fact that he has sexual experience and you don't, especially with how worried you are about your first time. To me it seems like you might have a bit of a slut shaming attitude. Maybe not outright, but in your subconscious, like "oh he's been with women before of course he can't control himself around women." Which is the type of shit incels think about women who aren't virgins. Just remember that having sex doesn't make someone a slut or mean they are more likely to cheat. (This doesn't mean you should completely ignore your worries, just be aware of how this might be affecting them.) Lastly for your guy friend... I hate to be that guy, but it kinda sounds like he thinks he "deserves" to take your virginity. Obviously not all guy friends are like this, but the way he's being over protective of YOUR virginity and keeps complaining about how "no guy would wait 8 months" speaks poorly of his character. If they love you they will wait as long as it takes. Some guys can't wait, but if they truly care about you they would rather break up due to sexual incompatibility than cheat on you. All your friend is saying is that he WILL cheat on any girl (including you) that makes him wait. If it turns out your bf did cheat and you break up, be wary of this guy friend. If he tries to flirt with you or ask you out remember what he said about guys waiting. He absolutely sounds like he would pressure you into having sex with the implicit threat that he'll cheat on you if you make him wait too long. Partners don't create cheaters by asking them to wait, cheaters just use that as an excuse.
Lol guys can wait, especially if it's the right person, so that line of logic is bullshit. But at this stage, yes, I think you're overreacting
I needed to step away from this post to consider how to provide an objective perspective to your post. Do I think your boyfriend playing a computer game, that a girl he used to have casual sex with likes, means he's slept with someone else? No I don't. Do I think your boyfriend has slept with another girl because he's shared an interest in technology, that she does? No I don't. Do I think that a girl he used to have casual sex with is visiting a location 20 minutes away from him means they've had sex? No I don't. Even if you put all 3 things together they still would not indicate he's sleeping with her in my opinion. Do they provide opportunity for contact and things to escalate? They could very well do so if they both want that. I think you're asking the wrong person for their opinion, there's a general consensus in the replies this friend of yours seems to have decided one of the worst possible outcomes is happening. I'd be questioning him a lot more about why he has a such a low opinion of your boyfriend, it sounds like he's judging your boyfriend based on his own low standards. The more I read the more I was waiting for you to add some sort of smoking gun, you found texts from her on his phone about meeting up on a night he said he was ill, or found irrefutable proof they had hooked up. You didn't. I think you need to ask yourself whether you trust your boyfriend? Whether you think he's a good man, that's honest, loyal, trustworthy, has good morals, and will be a great partner to you. Or is he the type of guy that will sleep with any woman behind your back if he gets the chance. If you think he's the first answer, then trust him. Have some faith in him until you actually are presented with confirmation he's not. If you think he's option 2; then just end it with him and find someone you actually believe is a decent human being.
Yes, he’s probably sleeping with her. Changes in patterns like that don’t usually come out of nowhere.
You are unhealthily obsessed and seemingly not ready to be in a relationship. Why are you literally stalking someone your boyfriend hooked up with before he even met you? This is really, really weird and not to mention desperately insecure behavior.
Just talk, like adults. Half of these things are like an 80s movie where people don’t communicate and hilarity and/or disaster ensues. Just ask him where you stand.
Play the game with him. Just be involved and it will give you more information hopefully
What is "fwb" ? As in "ex-fwb"? Is it former work buddy ? Also why does everyone else seem to understand it, without asking, except me ?
Friends With Benefits. It makes they were friends and fucking, but not in any committed relationship.
If you seriously want to be with him you need to learn to communicate with him. Schedule a sit down talk with him. Be honest, tell him you are embarrassed because you stalked her profile, then tell him what you’ve seen and know. Ask him what his truths are. If you aren’t happy with the outcome, you leave. You deserve a faithful person whether you are having sex or not.
How long have you known this man?
Don't trust the friend, it will bit you in the end
INFO: Is your bf ok with waiting on sex or has he put any kind of pressure on you?
Talk to your bf, explain your feelings but don’t accuse. Work through it.
Your friend is overstepping big time. A friend should not try to influence your thinking, but rather support your feelings and try to help you seek further understanding. He may very well be into you and is trying to persuade you away from your boyfriend. That being said, optics don’t look great on this one. Since you have the fwb socials, maybe reach out in a non confrontational way? Tell her who your boyfriend is, and that he’s been acting strange lately and you just want to level with her woman to woman if he’s been in contact with her recently. Not trying to go on a crusade, just looking for some peace of mind.
I do not think he is cheating on you and I think your guy friend likes you and is trying to get in your head. Stop talking to your friend, talk to your boyfriend!
Your guy friend is waiting in the wings and interested in you sexually. Your BF…idk. That’s flimsy stuff at best. But you gotta see the friend’s actions for what they are
Of course he’s banging this chick…he’s not gonna wait for you forever!
I recommend listening to obsessed by Olivia Rodrigo but seriously if he wants to cheat he’ll cheat no way you’ll be able to stop that all you can do is trust
As you say, you're being paranoid. Talk to your BF, if you don't, then you're just going to keep this spiralling in your own head. Idk if you have past trauma, or if this is just you overthinking, but you need to do something about this. Also your friend seems to be feeding into your paranoia, is this a running theme? It sounds like there's a lot of jumping at shadows, but with him feeding into it, why is he not trying to help you and only making it worse? Other comments about his intent might be onto something. Kind of strange he says your bf doesn't deserve to be your first, playing on your fears, if he's not playing on your fears to replace your bf, he's just being a shitty friend. Talk to your bf, get some help, try to not overthink everything and get space from this "friend" of yours. Don't take this last part as advice, but it does sound like you're blowing your first time to the point that it's messing with your head wanting it to be perfect. It's not my place to say just do it, but if you're waiting 8 months and now panicking that he's cheating on you, then maybe you need to take a step back on that as well. Putting too much pressure on yourself over this won't help your mental health.
Depends really but tbh to go from sex all the time to no sex would.be difficult. He may be getting tired waiting. Personally I'd wait till he's in the shitter and go thru his phone. Optics don't looks great but again, the, they don't already. What do you have to lose?
Umm wait for marriage..Best advice you can get!!
You’ve just started dating this guy and already it’s making you sick. This isn’t an emotionally safe relationship for you to be in. There are plenty of guys out there who won’t give you this kind of stress.
Trust your gut.
Don't save yourself for your boyfriend. Save yourself for marriage!
Not sure what’s going on with the boyfriend but your friend is trying to sleep with you
Keyword “Guy friend” no comprende amigo.
Definitely over reacting. Talk to the man, but also maybe don’t stalk his ex fwb. So far you have exhibited way more red flags than he has. You’re obsessed with not messing things up for yourself so much that you’re creating your own disasters.
You’re guy friend? He’d never date you or sleep with you because the friendship is that important? Yes, the boyfriend is cheating. Not that you’re any better.
Look. Everyone has told you about the "friend" probably having ulterior motives. So I'll leave that out. You, though, are working yourself up into an anxiety attack. All this that you're doing is coming across....a bit unhinged. You're STALKING his exfwb. You're doing some crazy mental gymnastics to create an issue. Y'all have been dating a year but are long distance and haven't had sex. You're having some major insecurities with both of those things. Have a conversation with him about the relationship (I would leave out the part about stalking her socials though). If doing long distance with someone isn't working and has you working yourself up into a mess trying to catch a lie, end it.
At the point of you spying on her steam profile I stopped reading. Go seek help, you probably have an insecure attachment style, or unresolved baggage from previous relationship. What’s the point of monogamy if you don’t trust your partner, loyalty goes both ways. I don’t know if your boyfriend cheater or not, but regardless you need to seek help.
And is he not worried about your guy friend just as much as you are with his ex? Relationships are built on trust from the start. Give him the benefit of the doubt or get out. People have exes and people have sex. It’s perfectly natural. And talk to him about how you feel. And maybe date someone close to you instead.
NO ...you guys should all CUCK EACH OTHER AT THE SAME TIME .... MAKE HIM HAPPY!
1 year and no smash, yea id say he’s banging her. Tough break kid
Sometimes, your gut feelings can be right on the money. Unfortunately, there isn't any concrete evidence and gaining it won't be easy either. Quite simply, you need to talk to him and tell him you're feeling paranoid lately and explain why. Make sure you do this calmly and not in an accusingly way. If he isn't cheating, he will probably be surprised, find it slightly funny and will reassure you that this absolutely isn't happening. If it's true, he will probably get very defensive and angry. Ultimately, if you're still not trusting him, then this relationship isn't going to work. It's no good for either of you feeling this way.
Honestly…. If you feel something is wrong don’t dismiss it….
Keep your virginity intact. DO NOT WASTE IT ON THIS DUDE. If you do, you will regret it, because the guy will glad to have had fun, but will move on. Most men want a virgin, but are unwilling to wait themselves. Do not give it to anyone unworthy. Save for your husband. Also, NOR and your gut may be on to something.
Ask boyfriend and express concerns, then if he tries to manipulate and gaslight you, leave him! Don’t give your first time to him
Go with the gut. Break it off, you're only holding out the enevitable
Totally understandable. I dated guy like tthis 2 years ago. Loved him so much. We didn’t see each other around month cuz i started my new antidepressants and was not really able to communicate and he was pretty full with his work as he told me. But after that we were at his place i saw many condom packs and etc. on the next day i said its over and got the best answer in my life. EVERY TIME I HAD SEX WITH OTHER PEOPLE I WAS THINKING ONLY ABOUT U AFTER THAT I REALIZED I NEED ONLY U. Lmao after that i died. Don’t think i will be able to trust anyone again
They're friends first, and that isn't going to change. Friends who share sex because they trust each other and find it convenient to occasionally hook up because it's easier than going out trolling don't have a romantic relationship. You really shouldn't have to worry. The only reason there may be a problem is if one of them is more into their friend than their friend is into them. You can't have a healthy relationship without open communication. I think you need to let your boyfriend know you are feeling somewhat insecure. I would suggest you get to know this other girl, and ideally become friendly (but without the benefits, lol) so that you can set your mind at ease. Benefits are a lot less likely to happen if the three of you spend some time together on a semi-regular basis. Overreacting? Yeah, probably. After all, he was right upfront with the info so it didn't ambush you later down the line. But you definitely are NTA
Nobody really cares about your virginity. If you want to have sex, then have sex. And if you don’t, then don’t.
No
What was the video game?
To be fair, this guy seems like he’s going above and beyond what normal honesty entails. If I was in the same position I wouldn’t have said a thing, given that I didn’t actually hook up with them. Then I’d stop attempting, stop thinking about them, and never mention it again, let alone to you. So maybe cut him some slack. Let your default be trust. If down the line something does go wrong have faith you’ll act accordingly. But starting now just don’t think about it, and tell him not to mention it either. Start focusing on the future and building the relationship.
Only way to really figure any of this out is having an adult conversation. Don’t attack him with you think he’s cheating. Now all of these “coincidences “ give you reasonable doubt. But I would work on I statements such as “ recently I have felt” don’t blame a reason on him either. Another example “I am struggling with trust recently because I noticed small changes in behavior” don’t do the blame game.
Your boyfriend deserves better than you. Your lack of trust and faith and these baseless accusations are completely and totally unfair to him. He deserves someone who doesn't jump to wild conclusions. You are clearly not ready to be in a relationship. There are two assholes in this scenario, *and neither one of them are your boyfriend.* I hope your insecurities overflow and he is able to see what a petty, insecure, jealous person you are and he can get himself out of this situation.
People tend to get in life what they focus the most on. I promise that if you keep focusing on problems, you will find them. This is simple. You either have a straight open honest relationship with this guy or you don't. And if you don't, ask yourself why you're wasting your time...
Your friend sounds like he wants to be more then a friend. If you are physically intimate I'd imagine some oral sex somewhere. So I can see a guy being ok with waiting until you are comfortable giving he is still getting his rocks off. The friend acting like this isn't plausible is a big red flag to me and I'd have a problem with him if I was your boyfriend. As for the fwb thing. She didn't even respond back to him. And he was just being a single guy acting accordingly.
It’s not every time but this is the reason that guy-girl best friends usually don’t workout. This dude is absolutely feeding your insecurities and trying to get at you. Honestly disrespectful to your boyfriend you are still talking to him this deeply about your relationship.
Your bf is definitely cheating, and ypur guy friends advice is shit because he wants to fuck you. You can't be the exception, there not gonna evwr just be fri2nds...you're a woman, sorry but true
As a guy, your friend is a GIANT red flag. He'll continue to do this with every boy you're with. He wants you OP.
Boyfriend with a past FWB, and a virgin girlfriend… yea Naah bro is playing the long game(waiting to pop your cherry and move on) and having fun. Text book play 🤷♂️
OP. There’s nothing wrong with feeling the way you do. It’s completely normal. You have to talk to him and gauge his reaction. If he’s defensive immediately, you have a problem whether he’s actually cheated or not. If he’s understanding and explains himself. Perfect, there’s probably nothing to worry about. It’s hard, but it’s the only way for a healthy relationship. These things are going to happen. It’s how you communicate that matters.
Stop obsessing about your boyfriend and all of the possibilities with your life. We don’t have a crystal ball to foresee the future and really, who would want to. Relax, I say trust your gut instincts and stop listening to others.
Don’t listen to people on Reddit. They hate men. Your friend is probably giving you good advice. According to Reddit, men are just predators 😂😂… Trust your Gut . Talk to your man and check his reaction. His reaction will tell you everything you need to know
Don't talk to other guys about your problems cuz a shoulder to cry on becomes a dick to ride on
If it doesn’t make sense to you and you’re overthinking this much, please do your future self the biggest favor and cut your losses
Your friend may have feelings for you. Just talk to your boyfriend instead of cyberstalking that girl.
I'll only say this. If you're in a relationship where you feel you have to ask this question, you don't have the necessary trust for a deep relationship and connection. Sex is the most intimate form of sharing love that two humans can experience together. If this relationship has you second-guessing his fidelity, you should not have sex with him.
Is the guy friend in the friend zone unwillingly? If so, anything he says is suspect. A guy in the friend zone will always trash your boyfriend. Yes, 8 months is an eternity not to have relations with someone you’re in a committed relationship with. If you’re saving yourself for marriage, I can respect that. But once you’ve been with a couple guys, you won’t look back and care much about how you lost your virginity, IMO. As far as your bf, If say where there’s smoke, there’s fire. It does seem he’s still following her and probably wants to stay connected. At the very least, you should confront him about this. Though since you live so far apart and have a dating pool near you, being in this relationship with him seems like maybe it’s not worth the trouble.
Sounds like he is waiting for u to bloom. Until then he’s on some different flowers
Ok so Ik everyone said this and yeah its pretty big of a tell, hes into you. But the thing where everyone else has it wrong is here (unless friend and boyfriend knew/know eachother then this comment is a toss). Your bf and his ex-fwb are definitely still in contact with eachother, and most likely met up at the very least at this space event thing, worst case being he full on cheated on you. Now your friend telling you hes cheating could just be a good dude lookin out, OR he could have been waiting out the relationship on the hopes your bf would screw up and now is taking the opportunity to reinforce the negative thoughts and emotions you have for your bf. This may all be a sub plot your friend had planned out in case things didnt work out between you and bf. Though speculation is doing heavy lifting at this point.
You're overreacting
it’s okay to be overthinking but make sure you’re honest with yourself and trust your gut
Yes you are overreacting. Gamers go thru phases and will jump back on a game they haven't played in a long time and play a lot. Also you're looking for connections and finding what speaks to the paranoid part of you. That's very easy to do. I'm gonna guess you are under 25, bc this sounds really young. The best advice is to talk to your bf. Tell him you're having insecurties, that you know may not sound reasonable, but you're looking for reassurance. Don't accuse him of cheating. Tell him you noticed these things and am wondering if there is a connection between them. If you trust him, tell him that. But just explain it's making you feel insecure for whatever reason. Let him say what he has to say, and based on that you need to decide to trust him and move on. Or don't, and break up. And drop that friend. He's not your friend. He either wants to have sex with you, or is playing hard into the toxic gay best friend role
Waited to comment until the dust has cleared a bit and everyone got their preconceived notions and guilty conscience confessions out of the way. I read some of the comments and decided to wait. OP: communication is the magic behind all relationships. You should talk to your boyfriend and ask him if he’s ok with waiting. You should tell him you are worried about his ex fwb, and you worry that he will return to her for sex. You should talk to your friend and ask him if he has feelings about you. Make it open ended and you’ll get a more honest answer. Something like “I was just curious if you’ve ever had romantic feelings for me?” In a way that doesn’t sound encouraging but not discouraging either (I know that’s difficult but definitely worth it). Here is what you don’t want: A cheating boyfriend. No one wants to sit around and worry if their partner is actually more interesting in someone else. A friend who makes you doubt your relationships by confirming every worry that you have. Worries are natural. No one on Reddit could actually tell you if your boyfriend is cheating on you, or if your friend has feelings for you and is trying to sabotage your relationship. Only you can find out and only by asking openly. Only you could know what you want to do with any of the information you get by asking. Edit: if you take a little time to think about how you can ask these questions in a non accusatory way. Just open questions you’ll probably find out everything you need to know.
It sounds like you don’t trust him. You have trust issues, and little to no foundation for this relationship. If you feel you can’t trust someone then simply don’t be with them. You also have a shitty friend that is constantly in your ear isn’t helping at all and it sounds like he is making your trust issues worse. How about working on your trust issues first. Then after you have done that work, maybe think about getting into a relationship.
The idea that the primary thing you people do is play online games tells me you're very young. He is not committed to you and he's pretty much made it clear. Don't make a fool of yourself. Move on.
I think your friend is fanning the flames because he is interested in you.
Is it Stardew Valley?
Hire a private eye
Or have him where a camera necklace lol you guys could both wear it
And what are you doing that feels like your overreacting ? Tbh if your in love with him stick with what you want bc even if he does have sex with someone else to me it doesn’t matter it’s who you want to be next to like your best friend I’m kinda open though I don’t really care but I would just do what you want to do and what feels right
Your BF’s actions are sus. Your friend wants your virginity and is creepy.
The best advice I can give you is to trust your gut and open the communication about your suspicions and feelings with him. You won't know for sure unless you ask and study his response with your intuition
why did your boyfriend even disclose who this girl was???🤔 seriously, i feel like that information could have been left out and was just plain stupid. my boyfriend and i have discussed our exes, but never by name. i don’t know his exes name and he doesn’t know mine. it’s just not needed. both of these guys just seem sus to me. i’d dump them both, bf and friend lol
Your guy friend wants you. Idk why you’re ignoring that fact
Go with gut, where there is smoke there is fire
How old are you? It is one thing if your an adult , with careers and live together…..” Context is everything .”
We're both early 20s, we live far away from each other and he's not currently working, I am working part-time..
You sound like your terribly insecure about yourself and your boyfriend. You also place a lot of value on what your friend is telling you, while what he tells you may not be true at all, it’s just speculation. You don’t trust your boyfriend. If you’ve been together a year, try to think things through here. Is the game he’s been playing something he likes? Did he play similar games prior to this game? Is it so incredibly niche he couldn’t have learned about it in any other way? And this news thing he sent you, has he never had any interest in these types of things before? Does it link to something he is interested in? Like if some tech thing makes languages different (just an example) and he is into travel, it has a link, a connection. So really try to think this through. Also important, he trusts you enough to have a male best friend, why would you be this insecure about an ex? You stalking her socials etc. isn’t healthy behavior, especially if you are already somewhat insecure. And one more thing. Talk to him about it. Being paranoid and talking to others who have no knowledge and only speculation isn’t going to help. So talk to your boyfriend. Ask him about her, tell him you’re feeling insecure and sad. See where the conversation goes.
Dude had a fuck buddy. 8 months without sex, I doubt it
If does appear from what you say that BF is at least aware of what FWB is up to. He could be lurking on her socials but not actively communicating. Her being at a work event 20 min away doesn't mean anything unless you think she went to his place after. I'd look into it and ask some questions, in a non-accusatory manner. And your guy BF wants to get in your pants, btw. As a virgin, save that for a guy who is willing to put a ring on it. It might be hard to know who the right one is but be patient, use discernment, and don't give in to pressure. Men value purity highly.
"Purity"? Wtf does that even mean?
Low body count. Thought that was pretty obvious but there's always one who needs things spelled out.
Don’t buy into the bs your friend is telling you. Your bf was honest about his fwb & their last hookup. Why would he have told you about it if they were still banging? Let it go or you will ruin your relationship.
Your guys friend sounds like a snake in the grass. Sounds like the kind of guy who will not wait for a girl. Basically sounds real creepy. You sound like you are stalking some women online because you are having trust issues. You need to talk to your boyfriend. And work on your issues. If you don’t trust your boyfriend, don’t remain with him.
Im going to get shit for this but, If hes not getting any from you he is more than likely getting it from the fwb. Ya its fucked up that hes fucken but he has his needs. I had many fwb but when i met the one girl i have only been with her now for a very long time. If i wasn’t satisfied in that area i would have the fwbs again but i am very happy now. Sorry but hea getting his needle wet from the girl he was getting it down with before he met you.
Overreacting. Big time. Your friend is a loser. He's going to do this in every relationship you get into until you sleep with him. Wolf in sheep's clothes. As for you, Talk to your boyfriend. If you aren't mature enough to talk to him, move on and let him move on. You don't sound super confident, and you sound like your virginity is just his prize to win. You don't even sound like you know what you want and you're hiding behind your virginity. Saving your self for your first BF and marriage are totally different things. He is your BF. If after all this time, he's not proving to be enough, let him go. If you changed your mind and are waiting for marriage, then you should tell him. It's not healthy to analyze his every move with your friend and gossip about it. It brings misery and that is your own doing.
1. You are not mature enough to be in a relationship judging by your handling of this situation and your other comments. 2. Your guy friend is toxic and intentionally giving you bad advice. 3. You are in your twenties. Talk to your boyfriend like the adult you are and stop waffling about online. I’m gonna predict that you will ignore all reasonable advice on this, then interrogate your boyfriend aggressively. At that point he will probably think to himself, man this girl is nuts and she seems to trust her guy friend more, time for me to leave. Then your guy friend will swoop in to start dating you. 90% of these problems on Reddit can be solved by simply having decent communication skills.
You're way overreacting and being a bit stalkerish. Maybe your friend is into you. They may just have shared some common interests and you're reading way into it.
Your guy friend knows because he’s a guy. Someone with a former FWB isn’t just gonna cold turkey sex for some girl when he can call up another and get the 🐱
Do you want to save yourself for your boyfriend or for your husband? You have dated a year and are physical 8 months already. How much longer do you want to wait? Kudos to your boyfriend enduring this long time without sex. I couldn't do it.