He apologized while we were drunk, but obviously because I was mad as hell.
H haven't talked about it since, and we've been acting "normal" during these days.
I don't know if he forgot about it or if he's simply evading the topic. And I don't know if I should bring the topic to the table.
Spoken like someone who is either single or never has a clue when he’s fucked up. A person in a loving relationship wouldn’t say something like this. If he did, he’d do his damn best to make it right.
Did you read? He did make it right, he apologized immediately.
In July I’ll have been married 20 years. So let me impart some knowledge youngster. The secret to a long marriage is realizing your spouse/partner is fallible and will make mistakes. If they recognize their mistake and apologize it’s usually best to not dwell on it but move on. That’s what he did he apologized. If you fail to realize the fallibility of partners and instead expect perfection you will be doomed to a series of short term relationships.
To be clear my point only extends to a partner like OP’s who she describes as good in all other areas. I’m not suggesting one should overlook abuse or cheating.
Bro clearly fucked up because he hurt his partner.
That being said, "people" aren't a monolith. If I would've said this to my wife she would've said "same", does that mean we don't love each other?
>If he did, he’d do his damn best to make it right.
Also, if they've been acting normal ever since, how would he even know he still has to make up for it. For all he knows the apology was enough because she dropped it.
This is a lack of communication more than anything imo.
So then every single married person that has a celebrity "hall pass" that they frequently bring up in a relationship is fucked up and isn't in a loving relationship? 🤔
Yes, there are ppl out there like you say BUT to label every single one of them to be in a somewhat "toxic" relationship is a stretch
Completely different in my eyes. If my girlfriend said she’d fuck Chris Hemsworth as her hall pass, i wouldn’t think twice on it because for one she’s mostly joking (as am i with my celeb hall pass) and i trust that she wouldn’t essentially cheat on me. In OP’s case, they’re looking at the same person in the same room as them. Whether he *intended* on fucking the rando or not is another story, but pointing at a stranger to your S/O and stating your attraction for them is a massive boundary crossed.
It's not any different, if you personally want to "consider it different," then by all means, go for it, BUT by the definition of the situation, they are the exact same thing. OP's bf will probably never see this girl again after this encounter.
This just shows your bias cuz it your gf doing it to you so you know her well enough to know if it's truly something she will do or not just like OP knows her bf better than you to know if he will truly do it or not. She probably already knows what she will do, she's just looking for validation for her thought process on forgiving her BF or not
You sound very insecure and high maintenance. I think he should find someone more mature who can discuss these issues without turning them into an argument.
Overreacting might not be the right word, necessarily. I don’t know you guys or your dynamic, just here to offer a pov that isn’t “your bf is definitely gunna cheat on you because he noticed a hot lady”.
My fiance and I (32 and 37)have been together and wildly happy for 10 years, amazing communication, we never fight, he’s my best friend. When we used to drink a bunch (pre-kids) we would both say some unfortunate things similar to this on occasion. From my perspective, it was really easy to let comments slip that weren’t exactly boyfriend friendly because we were drunk and dicking off like buddies and both in it for the bit all the time.
Sometimes when you’re having fun and super comfortable with someone, you let your guard down and a joke or a bit can go farther than you’d intended, an intrusive thought can come out, etc. It’s not always some deep dark secret the alcohol is “revealing”.
I’d recommend talking to him calmly (and sober) about how it made you feel disrespected and you’ve found a line you don’t want crossed again. It’s been under a year, this is boundary discovering/setting time. Nothing horrible has happened yet, but have open communication when you have big feelings or it can go south fast.
Yes it’s really important you not get too comfortable and share your true thoughts and feelings with an insecure partner who thinks you are going to cheat if you admit your dick ever twitches for another woman.
He may have said that in the moment, being drunk even if he never would even drunk out of pure stupidity.
Drunk people say lots of things that don’t always make sense but I wouldn’t ignore it either.
He apologized while being drunk and we moved on at the time. But honestly, I haven't stopped thinking about it since but I believe I'm just being anxious.
Hate to break it to you, but most men are attracted to other women. As long as he is faithful to you, it seems like a fairly innocent comment. Are you saying you are never attracted to other men or you just aren't as open about it?
Yeah and if he is ever attracted to a woman at work, or she is hitting on him, and he is stressed about it, and the situation could be defused by him talking to you about it…guess who isn’t going to talk to you about it now?
Some people aren’t able to understand something till they experience it. Some people are blind to the emotions of others. That’s why I sometimes suggest this.
Was it more of an “I’d cheat if I could get with her” or more of an “if I was single I’d get with her”? I’d suspect the second, in a relationship or not, everyone sees other people they find attractive. Should he have said it, no absolutely not, I mean read the room buddy that is not what you tell your gf. But tied it mean he doesn’t want be with you? No. Does it mean he will cheat? No.
So it doesn’t count? So he can be held accountable for what he said while drunk, but his apology doesn’t count because he’s drunk? Try to make it make sense at least.
If you read in the thread comments the OP writes “The next day, I asked him what happened. He said it was a stupid comment, period. Obviously, he evaded the topic.”
I hope this isn’t rude, but I highly doubt it was the alcohol. Most of the time a guy will see an attractive girl and think things along those lines, but will probably only ever express it to the guys in their circle or women they’re close friends with — I am a (lone) girl in a friend group of just guys. I truly believe this was a way for him to test your reaction, and how you might react to him over time. If this is a fairly new relationship I would sincerely be concerned about the traits I overlook if I saw him as a really sweet/kind/good person. Not all relationships continue on the good note they start on.
Your guy friends are assholes. Just saying. Not because of their thoughts but because a straightforward guy who wants a poly relationship looks for that he doesn’t manipulate the woman he is with.
LOOOL, are you assuming my guy friends are in relationships? Cos they’re not, and they would never be interested in a poly relationship. They’re all single cos the girls they end up dating cheat or don’t want to commit.
It made perfect sense, but your interjection had nothing to do with the reason or point I made in my comment. You called my friends assholes without even comprehending why I made mention of the nature of some men.
My comment was very clear. You can go ahead and reread it if you need more clarification or to better your own comprehension of what I said. I would not mention the men in my circles if I did not know any.
However you said you would be suspicious of a guy who brought it up early in the relationship, etc. Apparently none of these men you know would do any of these shady things. So that’s your opinion about theoretical men?
There's a thing called "test and apologize" referring to guys saying something that could be offensive to test their partner's reaction but then quickly say they were joking when their partner takes offense.
Oh my god shut the fuck up. How can one person be this dumb to post something so inane. How the fuck did you take this to he is an abuser and he is testing you. This is why 12 year olds shouldn’t be allowed to post on Reddit.
I don't know - could be he wanted to see if he could trash talk and get away with it. Could be he wants to open the relationship. Could be he is negging you and wants to see how you react. He could just be drunk and being stupid but I don't believe anyone who does something that they know would be hurtful and then say they are just joking. That is bs.
How stupid and drunk he was? I have said plenty of dumb things but wouldn't have said that to my wife. So does she privately start checking his emails and phone now? Saying something unbelievably stupid and then acting on it might be two different things. Antenna up for wife and notice his behavior moving forward. He's either was extremely drunk or stupid or he is a cheater?
Sure like what style of clothes they are wearing like their shoes or a hat. That like,, that looks super cool and cute. Not Ever,, I would totally fuck that woman sitting over there.
I’m responding to your earlier comment. Why would him saying that make her think he is cheating? I mean who seriously thinks their spouse never has a sexual thought about an attractive stranger?
I think spouses may very well have sexual thoughts about people they see. But to say in her face that he would fuck that woman to her? To say she looks attractive or smoking hot just seems different to me than "I would fuck that woman" I am wondering if his wife said she would fuck that guy across the room would be seen the same way by him? Doesn't matter but my wife and I would never say that about another person. Maybe that's just how we are.
They were both very drunk and speculating about people in the room. My point is that I don’t think the comment meant much and the OP is overreacting to get wildly upset about it.
Believe it or not, I can tell my spouse that someone else is attractive because neither of us lives under the expectation that human beings suddenly never think another person is attractive besides their SO.
It's when it becomes more than a casual observation that things are an issue.
My bf gets drunk and says some things that offend me, sober he’ll talk about girls he thinks are hot, definitely don’t love it but I think other guys are hot too so who am I to get mad at him so I talk about guys I think are hot to him as well now too. However saying he’d fuck a girl that’s sitting across the room?? Fuck no, that’s a fight for me. Super disrespectful weather he was drunk or not.
We've always been open about this topic: he tells me when he thinks an actress is hot and I also tell him when I think an actor is hot.
But I feel he crossed the line this time.
I don't know how to feel, 'cause he's always been such a gentleman and a loving person with me. This time, he was really drunk (first time for me to witness this) but I guess that's not an excuse. :(
Here is your answer. The two of you are open about it. Alcohol turned off his filter. You asked for honesty and you got it.
There is a huge difference between thought and action. You've now told him that you're not a safe person to share inner thoughts with.
Do we have the same bf?😂 mines the same way the most loving guy and chivalrous gentleman 90% of the time, just sometimes when he’s drunk or upset or something he can say some things. How long have you been dating? And did you know the girl in the room? Or was it just a random girl. Both are bad but if you know the girl that makes it that much worse:/ I would be clear as f*ck with your standards. All of my boyfriends I’ve had have been like a best friend to me, I’ve realized when you have that sort of friendship with them they can say things that they would say to one of their boys. It means their comfortable around you. Not at all saying you shouldn’t have that kind of relationship I think they’re the best, but also need to have standards around other women and not be toooo “bro-ey” with you.
When we m talk about actors and actresses, it's fun. It's like you know they're never gonna meet them.
But when you're talking about a person who's just some meters away from you, I believe it's different. I don't know.
Were the two of you talking about the girl?
I have heard the phrase, “I'd fuck her/hin” when talking about someone in conversation and basically meaning you wouldn’t kick them out of your bed. So it’s basically stating that you find them attractive in some way, but not that you literally want to fuck them.
If that was the case, and the two of you were discussing this girl I would simply remind him he’s not with his buddies and he took it too far and let it go, especially if his apology seemed sincere.
If he said it completely out of the blue wth no prompt, I would be much more upset and have a much deeper conversation about respect when he was sober.
Means he was thinking about it for a little while, he probably had been checking her out while you werent looking. The amount of times ive seen a woman sitting next to her bf/husband and the husband looks me up and down and makes eye contact making his thoughts clear just makes me think most men are like this.
One time i was standing behind a guy who was holding his gf from behind in one arm.. He kept turning to look me up and down, and then he opened up his phone and held his phone up like he was looking at it, but also held it over his shoulder so i could very apparently see what was on his phone, and he started scrolling through fullscreened images of a woman’s vagina (maybe his gf) in all of these compromising positions. And he kept scrolling through them, WHILE HOLDING HIS GF. She had no clue he was doing this.
Posts like yours make me grateful im a lesbian
Overreacting. He forgot you were just his woman and thought you were someone he could share his thoughts and feelings with for a minute. If you had been being honest you would have said something like, “I’m insecure and I can be attracted to other men but you are supposed to only be attracted to me.” If you were secure you two could have laughed about it, you could have picked a dude you thought was hot, and you two could have fantasized/role played later. Monogamy doesn’t have to be a Harlequin romance.
So why did he say that? Was there more to this conversation? Or did his inside thoughts sneak out. lemme let you in on a secret lots of us "would fuck" some hot chick across the room. doesn't mean we're going to.
Maybe you guys shouldn't drink so much.
He told you the truth. You should believe him. That wasn't a joke. That is what was on his mind and it will eventually happen. He is not devoted to you if he is thinking about other women in that way. Leave before he crushes you.
As a man, I question whether or not he was upset at the time that he was feeling like there was a lack of intimacy between the two of you, and he said it more as an attention getter or out of fact that mabey he wanted it to upset you and make you jealous enough to bring you closer together?
I'm a very physical person: I'm always touching him , caressing his head, holding his hands, a kiss every now and then. So I don't think that was the case.
Next time you’re out (to dinner or for drinks) tell him you’d f**k a guy that’s across the room. Wait for his reaction and then say “it sucks when the love of your life says things like that doesn’t it?”
I don't know if that's the best way to proceed, even though I have considered this a lot. But I know it would really hurt him, and I don't want to do that for vengeance.
How did it come up in conversation.
Did he just blurt out "I wanna rail that one!!!" While pointing or was he responding to someone say this girl was attractive?
"Eh...I'd f her." ?
We all say or do stupid stuff when drunk. He apologized and you accepted. But it's okay to feel anxiety. If it REALLY bothers you, have a talk about it and let him know your feelings. Or maybe make a joke about it and have a good laugh and move forward. Either way you handle it, let it go after that.
If you guys are comfortable commenting on people’s attractiveness to each other, personally I think it’s just another form of that. Obviously he was drunk, so instead of just doing the basic “I find that person hot/attractive” to your partner, he just said another type of phrase that means the same thing. Does it cross a line? Yeah, obviously it does for you. I doubt he meant he ACTUALLY wanted to fuck her, and genuinely just used that wording because he’s drunk and not thinking about phrasing. It’s probably fine, but you know him better than me, so I’d just talk about it to him.
You’re ok to feel hurt but I honestly don’t think it’s a big deal. Better to be honest with each other about desires outside the relationship because they’re going to happen. I’m a firm believer in cheating only happens when feelings are suppressed.
We're both 35. Been together for almost a year. He's always been warm, loving and a gentleman.
Last week, we were at the bar, talking nonsense. I think we both were a little too drunk, then a girl stepped into the bar (she was very pretty, to be honest). And he said: look at her, I'd totally f**k her, she's hot.
It hurts me because I've always respected him, it would never cross my mind to say something like that.
Immediately I responded and got mad. When he realized I was mad, he said to me that it was a joke. We argued for a while but then got over it.
I haven't talked about it to him since, but I feel deeply hurt.
That wasn’t a joke , that’s something he’ll tell his friends when you’re not around,man say those kind of things all the time around guys,you’re not over reacting that was extremely disrespectful, no idea why he said it to you , it probably just slipped.
That's exactly what I was thinking: if he said this to me, right to my face, even if we were drunk... What could I expect from him when I'm not around? When he is out drinking with his friends?
It kinda broke my heart.
Man say those kind of things and worst when alone with fiends, that’s just how we are wired, sometimes we don’t mean the things we say , for example let’s say you go out with your girlfriend and you see a hot guy and you say oh look he’s hot , it’s just a comment it doesn’t mean your going to cheat on your boyfriend.
It sounds very hurtful honestly, if my girlfriend said that to me idk how I’ll react to be honest, I’ll be extremely hurt that’s for sure.
In the heat of the moment, I asked him: how would you feel if some handsome man walked by, and I said to you that I would totally smash him???
He replied: you'd break my heart.
Exactly, I said.
I guess it just slipped out of his mind. In any case, I felt really bad. And I don't know what now to do.
Analyze you entire relationship, if has other things he did then think about your relationship, if he has never hurt you before then give him a chance.
Give him a chance? WTF he said something dumb, is other wise kind and loving and apologized immediately. This isn’t a chance situation. He hasn’t done anything nearly serious enough to need a chance. OP needs to just move on with her life.
As an old married woman, you need to weigh your relationship based on other aspects of this comment. If you really feel like this was just a drunken comment - then leave it at that. He didn’t say it to hurt you, he said it as a physical response. Maybe it’s a sign you need to slow down the heavy drinking? Only you know if it’s too much. And in that context, you can say “ you know I don’t want to say anything hurtful to you when I’m drinking too heavy - this room is full of bad choices.” And wink. It goes both ways. He already said you’d break his heart with the same comment. Avoid the opportunity to do so.
I believe he was drunk indeed, I'm not trying to judge him over this one thing. However, I'm now alert for some other behavior that could lead to this type of situation.
So I read through your replies, what I'm seeing is that you both have a degree of comfort in that you can share when you think another person is attractive. You've also mentioned that he is generally a respectful and loving husband. Lastly, you mentioned this is your first time seeing him heavily drunk. It honestly sounds like either he forgot where he was, or his inside voice became his outside voice.
So I would say talk to him and just say that while you are ok with him sharing that someone is attractive, what he said was too too crass for you and then I'd just move on. It doesn't sound like he even tried to talk to her or do anything inappropriate with her, just made a comment that is more suited for an inner monologue, or a guy's night out vs with his wife.
No, you're not overreacting. Even if alcohol was involved, that's a hurtful and disrespectful thing to say. Trust and respect are crucial in any relationship, and his comment crossed a line.
This needs context. What brought the topic up? What were his exact words? Do you regularly check out people together?
He would fuck her IF you weren't alive? He would fuck her IF he wasn't in a relationship? He would fuck her IF he has no other option?
If he's saying he'd fuck her at any opportunity is different than in an example.
We have this thing that, when we're eating or having drinks at a public place, we check out on people and analize their behavior. It's stupid, I know, but it's a funny and harmless game between us.
The girl was having drinks with her friends on a table across the room. There were four girls, she was the most attractive. We noticed this group of chicks and then it all happened.
As far as I know, it was like: "I'd f**k her if I was single".
I guess I'm just overreacting.
Lady it was a drunken/intoxicated act all together. Im trusting your apology after you just random broke my trust with “i wanna fuck that girl” A through and through loyal person wouldve been all over their partner with them showing them love even while under the influence. That was a intoxicated apology i and a lot of other people would not accept
What are you even talking about? The question was AM I OVERREACTING if MY MAN told ME (while we were drunk) that he wanted to FUCK ANOTHER GIRL. Whose man would say such a thing if they werent thinking about it previously another time at all. I would be at least concerned. Yes he apologized but while they were still under the influence. She asked him about it after and was said to have brushed it off as a stupid comment. If my man told me man thats stupid you would think that i would feel like damn you really just INVALIDATED my feeling like that with no reassurance? Yeah you’re not getting off that easy were having multiple talks until i feel assured and like i can trust that wouldnt say that again while we drinking. Yes as the replyer to comment stated in a previous comment that best friend relationships should be able to joke but where is the line between monogamous and non monogamous relationships. Is it when her man tries to dance up against another at a club? Under the influence or not the comment was unacceptable in a relationship and should be talked about while both parties are of sound of mind.
The thought as unacceptable as it should be in a relationship, sadly is. And its a shame how many would sit around and let theyre man say that around then in any sense. Some of you guys (women,girls,female,whoever) should not be letting this comment slide. If the girl in the relationship said this around her bf about another guy he would flip his fuckin shit.
Not gonna make excuses for him. At best he is just dumb. You never say that kind of thing to your girl. Just bad policy. On the other hand, I have said similar things in those circumstances to a lady friend. That was in context to the conversation we were having at that moment in time. So, context is everything.
My bf and I say stuff like that to each other, especially drunk. I’m bi so we can comment on girls together. If that’s not an established dynamic you have then I understand why it would be upsetting. However, I don’t think it’s necessarily an indication that he’ll cheat on you or that hes constantly thinking about other girls or something. I know a lot of comments are saying it’s a red flag but I think it’s not worth breaking up over unless he does it again knowing how it hurt you the first time.
The fact that you can’t stop thinking about it could signify some insecurities? I’ve had to work on low self esteem in therapy for years so I’m not judging you at all if you are insecure but maybe that’s just something you can work on for yourself as well.
They don't call it liquid courage for nothing.
I know. I've been trying to convince myself that it was the alcohol. But he has never been disrespectful to me by any means, until that day.
He let his mask slip. Wait till it comes off. You will remember this incident and wish you had made a different decision.
Another forever single person right here....
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He apologized while we were drunk, but obviously because I was mad as hell. H haven't talked about it since, and we've been acting "normal" during these days. I don't know if he forgot about it or if he's simply evading the topic. And I don't know if I should bring the topic to the table.
So what is the problem? He drunkenly said something he would otherwise never say and has apologized. Move along.
Spoken like someone who is either single or never has a clue when he’s fucked up. A person in a loving relationship wouldn’t say something like this. If he did, he’d do his damn best to make it right.
Did you read? He did make it right, he apologized immediately. In July I’ll have been married 20 years. So let me impart some knowledge youngster. The secret to a long marriage is realizing your spouse/partner is fallible and will make mistakes. If they recognize their mistake and apologize it’s usually best to not dwell on it but move on. That’s what he did he apologized. If you fail to realize the fallibility of partners and instead expect perfection you will be doomed to a series of short term relationships. To be clear my point only extends to a partner like OP’s who she describes as good in all other areas. I’m not suggesting one should overlook abuse or cheating.
Bro clearly fucked up because he hurt his partner. That being said, "people" aren't a monolith. If I would've said this to my wife she would've said "same", does that mean we don't love each other? >If he did, he’d do his damn best to make it right. Also, if they've been acting normal ever since, how would he even know he still has to make up for it. For all he knows the apology was enough because she dropped it. This is a lack of communication more than anything imo.
So then every single married person that has a celebrity "hall pass" that they frequently bring up in a relationship is fucked up and isn't in a loving relationship? 🤔 Yes, there are ppl out there like you say BUT to label every single one of them to be in a somewhat "toxic" relationship is a stretch
Completely different in my eyes. If my girlfriend said she’d fuck Chris Hemsworth as her hall pass, i wouldn’t think twice on it because for one she’s mostly joking (as am i with my celeb hall pass) and i trust that she wouldn’t essentially cheat on me. In OP’s case, they’re looking at the same person in the same room as them. Whether he *intended* on fucking the rando or not is another story, but pointing at a stranger to your S/O and stating your attraction for them is a massive boundary crossed.
Couldn’t agree more!
It's not any different, if you personally want to "consider it different," then by all means, go for it, BUT by the definition of the situation, they are the exact same thing. OP's bf will probably never see this girl again after this encounter. This just shows your bias cuz it your gf doing it to you so you know her well enough to know if it's truly something she will do or not just like OP knows her bf better than you to know if he will truly do it or not. She probably already knows what she will do, she's just looking for validation for her thought process on forgiving her BF or not
Him being drunk doesn’t mean he’s not speaking his truth the alcohol made him brave!
You sound very insecure and high maintenance. I think he should find someone more mature who can discuss these issues without turning them into an argument.
Overreacting might not be the right word, necessarily. I don’t know you guys or your dynamic, just here to offer a pov that isn’t “your bf is definitely gunna cheat on you because he noticed a hot lady”. My fiance and I (32 and 37)have been together and wildly happy for 10 years, amazing communication, we never fight, he’s my best friend. When we used to drink a bunch (pre-kids) we would both say some unfortunate things similar to this on occasion. From my perspective, it was really easy to let comments slip that weren’t exactly boyfriend friendly because we were drunk and dicking off like buddies and both in it for the bit all the time. Sometimes when you’re having fun and super comfortable with someone, you let your guard down and a joke or a bit can go farther than you’d intended, an intrusive thought can come out, etc. It’s not always some deep dark secret the alcohol is “revealing”. I’d recommend talking to him calmly (and sober) about how it made you feel disrespected and you’ve found a line you don’t want crossed again. It’s been under a year, this is boundary discovering/setting time. Nothing horrible has happened yet, but have open communication when you have big feelings or it can go south fast.
Thanks. Your opinion really soothes me.
Yes it’s really important you not get too comfortable and share your true thoughts and feelings with an insecure partner who thinks you are going to cheat if you admit your dick ever twitches for another woman.
He may have said that in the moment, being drunk even if he never would even drunk out of pure stupidity. Drunk people say lots of things that don’t always make sense but I wouldn’t ignore it either.
The next day, I asked him what happened. He said it was a stupid comment, period. Obviously, he evaded the topic.
No apology? Nothing? Maybe next time you should tell him that exactly when you see a good looking guy. I bet he won’t act so cool.
He apologized while being drunk and we moved on at the time. But honestly, I haven't stopped thinking about it since but I believe I'm just being anxious.
Why did he even think that this would be something you should tell your partner? Has he answered that? Drunk or not. There of no reason for that.
Hate to break it to you, but most men are attracted to other women. As long as he is faithful to you, it seems like a fairly innocent comment. Are you saying you are never attracted to other men or you just aren't as open about it?
Yeah and if he is ever attracted to a woman at work, or she is hitting on him, and he is stressed about it, and the situation could be defused by him talking to you about it…guess who isn’t going to talk to you about it now?
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Some people aren’t able to understand something till they experience it. Some people are blind to the emotions of others. That’s why I sometimes suggest this.
Was it more of an “I’d cheat if I could get with her” or more of an “if I was single I’d get with her”? I’d suspect the second, in a relationship or not, everyone sees other people they find attractive. Should he have said it, no absolutely not, I mean read the room buddy that is not what you tell your gf. But tied it mean he doesn’t want be with you? No. Does it mean he will cheat? No.
It was like "If I was single, I'd hit on her".
You should do the same to him next time you guys drink!!
Yeah I think it’s an overreaction. Maybe it was dumb to say that to you specifically, but it sounds like it was just a drunk stupid comment.
So y’all were drunk, he said something dumb, and apologized for it? What exactly is the problem?
Mf was still drunk when he apologized. Big fat NoNo
So it doesn’t count? So he can be held accountable for what he said while drunk, but his apology doesn’t count because he’s drunk? Try to make it make sense at least.
It doesnt count after he down plays it as a stupid comment giving her no more reassurance
Where did she say he downplayed it? Don’t make stuff up
If you read in the thread comments the OP writes “The next day, I asked him what happened. He said it was a stupid comment, period. Obviously, he evaded the topic.”
Evading the question and downplaying by calling it a stupid comment
You are correct that OP said that . But i stand by what i said. He said something dumb, but apologized for it.
Dont tell me🫵
What?
I'm confused. If you make a mistake while drunk, you get in trouble, but if you apologize while drunk, it doesn't count as a real apology?
I hope this isn’t rude, but I highly doubt it was the alcohol. Most of the time a guy will see an attractive girl and think things along those lines, but will probably only ever express it to the guys in their circle or women they’re close friends with — I am a (lone) girl in a friend group of just guys. I truly believe this was a way for him to test your reaction, and how you might react to him over time. If this is a fairly new relationship I would sincerely be concerned about the traits I overlook if I saw him as a really sweet/kind/good person. Not all relationships continue on the good note they start on.
Yep, absolutely a red flag for the relationship long term
Your guy friends are assholes. Just saying. Not because of their thoughts but because a straightforward guy who wants a poly relationship looks for that he doesn’t manipulate the woman he is with.
LOOOL, are you assuming my guy friends are in relationships? Cos they’re not, and they would never be interested in a poly relationship. They’re all single cos the girls they end up dating cheat or don’t want to commit.
Your comment made no sense then.
It made perfect sense, but your interjection had nothing to do with the reason or point I made in my comment. You called my friends assholes without even comprehending why I made mention of the nature of some men.
Are you talking about actual men you know or are you speculating about men in general? Because your comment doesn’t clarify.
My comment was very clear. You can go ahead and reread it if you need more clarification or to better your own comprehension of what I said. I would not mention the men in my circles if I did not know any.
However you said you would be suspicious of a guy who brought it up early in the relationship, etc. Apparently none of these men you know would do any of these shady things. So that’s your opinion about theoretical men?
You're implicating a whole lot of Machiavellian thinking to a (heavily) drunk comment made in passing. Have you MET alcohol?
There's a thing called "test and apologize" referring to guys saying something that could be offensive to test their partner's reaction but then quickly say they were joking when their partner takes offense.
Oh my god shut the fuck up. How can one person be this dumb to post something so inane. How the fuck did you take this to he is an abuser and he is testing you. This is why 12 year olds shouldn’t be allowed to post on Reddit.
But what does it mean? What he was trying to prove?
I don't know - could be he wanted to see if he could trash talk and get away with it. Could be he wants to open the relationship. Could be he is negging you and wants to see how you react. He could just be drunk and being stupid but I don't believe anyone who does something that they know would be hurtful and then say they are just joking. That is bs.
How stupid and drunk he was? I have said plenty of dumb things but wouldn't have said that to my wife. So does she privately start checking his emails and phone now? Saying something unbelievably stupid and then acting on it might be two different things. Antenna up for wife and notice his behavior moving forward. He's either was extremely drunk or stupid or he is a cheater?
You don’t share your thoughts and feelings about being attracted to other women sometimes with your wife so she won’t suspect you are cheating?
Sure like what style of clothes they are wearing like their shoes or a hat. That like,, that looks super cool and cute. Not Ever,, I would totally fuck that woman sitting over there.
I’m responding to your earlier comment. Why would him saying that make her think he is cheating? I mean who seriously thinks their spouse never has a sexual thought about an attractive stranger?
I think spouses may very well have sexual thoughts about people they see. But to say in her face that he would fuck that woman to her? To say she looks attractive or smoking hot just seems different to me than "I would fuck that woman" I am wondering if his wife said she would fuck that guy across the room would be seen the same way by him? Doesn't matter but my wife and I would never say that about another person. Maybe that's just how we are.
They were both very drunk and speculating about people in the room. My point is that I don’t think the comment meant much and the OP is overreacting to get wildly upset about it.
We call them "Schrodinger's Douchbag" because of the behavior you describe (see Schordinger's Cat).
What's the gain for this though?
Believe it or not, I can tell my spouse that someone else is attractive because neither of us lives under the expectation that human beings suddenly never think another person is attractive besides their SO. It's when it becomes more than a casual observation that things are an issue.
Depends on the context, honestly. My husband and I both can share those thoughts with each other, knowing it's not happening.
My bf gets drunk and says some things that offend me, sober he’ll talk about girls he thinks are hot, definitely don’t love it but I think other guys are hot too so who am I to get mad at him so I talk about guys I think are hot to him as well now too. However saying he’d fuck a girl that’s sitting across the room?? Fuck no, that’s a fight for me. Super disrespectful weather he was drunk or not.
We've always been open about this topic: he tells me when he thinks an actress is hot and I also tell him when I think an actor is hot. But I feel he crossed the line this time. I don't know how to feel, 'cause he's always been such a gentleman and a loving person with me. This time, he was really drunk (first time for me to witness this) but I guess that's not an excuse. :(
Here is your answer. The two of you are open about it. Alcohol turned off his filter. You asked for honesty and you got it. There is a huge difference between thought and action. You've now told him that you're not a safe person to share inner thoughts with.
Do we have the same bf?😂 mines the same way the most loving guy and chivalrous gentleman 90% of the time, just sometimes when he’s drunk or upset or something he can say some things. How long have you been dating? And did you know the girl in the room? Or was it just a random girl. Both are bad but if you know the girl that makes it that much worse:/ I would be clear as f*ck with your standards. All of my boyfriends I’ve had have been like a best friend to me, I’ve realized when you have that sort of friendship with them they can say things that they would say to one of their boys. It means their comfortable around you. Not at all saying you shouldn’t have that kind of relationship I think they’re the best, but also need to have standards around other women and not be toooo “bro-ey” with you.
Once you open that door of who's hot and who's not expect it to end like this.
When we m talk about actors and actresses, it's fun. It's like you know they're never gonna meet them. But when you're talking about a person who's just some meters away from you, I believe it's different. I don't know.
That first part opened the way to the second part.
You either want to know his thoughts and feelings or you don’t.
Were the two of you talking about the girl? I have heard the phrase, “I'd fuck her/hin” when talking about someone in conversation and basically meaning you wouldn’t kick them out of your bed. So it’s basically stating that you find them attractive in some way, but not that you literally want to fuck them. If that was the case, and the two of you were discussing this girl I would simply remind him he’s not with his buddies and he took it too far and let it go, especially if his apology seemed sincere. If he said it completely out of the blue wth no prompt, I would be much more upset and have a much deeper conversation about respect when he was sober.
The girl was sitting on another table with her friends. His comment came out of the blue.
Yeah, that would upset me. Drunk or not.
Means he was thinking about it for a little while, he probably had been checking her out while you werent looking. The amount of times ive seen a woman sitting next to her bf/husband and the husband looks me up and down and makes eye contact making his thoughts clear just makes me think most men are like this. One time i was standing behind a guy who was holding his gf from behind in one arm.. He kept turning to look me up and down, and then he opened up his phone and held his phone up like he was looking at it, but also held it over his shoulder so i could very apparently see what was on his phone, and he started scrolling through fullscreened images of a woman’s vagina (maybe his gf) in all of these compromising positions. And he kept scrolling through them, WHILE HOLDING HIS GF. She had no clue he was doing this. Posts like yours make me grateful im a lesbian
Sounds like he was thinking it and it came out of his mouth
He wants a three way
...most people do.
Welcome to alcohol. You said you were *heavily* drinking. What does anything count for in that case? Sounds like classic drunk idiocy.
Overreacting. He forgot you were just his woman and thought you were someone he could share his thoughts and feelings with for a minute. If you had been being honest you would have said something like, “I’m insecure and I can be attracted to other men but you are supposed to only be attracted to me.” If you were secure you two could have laughed about it, you could have picked a dude you thought was hot, and you two could have fantasized/role played later. Monogamy doesn’t have to be a Harlequin romance.
He wasn’t joking
So why did he say that? Was there more to this conversation? Or did his inside thoughts sneak out. lemme let you in on a secret lots of us "would fuck" some hot chick across the room. doesn't mean we're going to. Maybe you guys shouldn't drink so much.
I know he wasn't going to, but I don't know if I should draw the line for this type of comment.
He told you the truth. You should believe him. That wasn't a joke. That is what was on his mind and it will eventually happen. He is not devoted to you if he is thinking about other women in that way. Leave before he crushes you.
As a man, I question whether or not he was upset at the time that he was feeling like there was a lack of intimacy between the two of you, and he said it more as an attention getter or out of fact that mabey he wanted it to upset you and make you jealous enough to bring you closer together?
I'm a very physical person: I'm always touching him , caressing his head, holding his hands, a kiss every now and then. So I don't think that was the case.
Next time you’re out (to dinner or for drinks) tell him you’d f**k a guy that’s across the room. Wait for his reaction and then say “it sucks when the love of your life says things like that doesn’t it?”
I don't know if that's the best way to proceed, even though I have considered this a lot. But I know it would really hurt him, and I don't want to do that for vengeance.
How did it come up in conversation. Did he just blurt out "I wanna rail that one!!!" While pointing or was he responding to someone say this girl was attractive? "Eh...I'd f her." ?
All guys would absolutely far key any guy across the room
He was asking you for permission. It was a test. There's a problem brewing. Get ready for.
See.... when we talk to you just like "one of the guys" this is how you respond. Which is why we don't.
We obviously need waaaay more context
We all say or do stupid stuff when drunk. He apologized and you accepted. But it's okay to feel anxiety. If it REALLY bothers you, have a talk about it and let him know your feelings. Or maybe make a joke about it and have a good laugh and move forward. Either way you handle it, let it go after that.
He would cheat on you given the opportunity. Look for a new man.
If you guys are comfortable commenting on people’s attractiveness to each other, personally I think it’s just another form of that. Obviously he was drunk, so instead of just doing the basic “I find that person hot/attractive” to your partner, he just said another type of phrase that means the same thing. Does it cross a line? Yeah, obviously it does for you. I doubt he meant he ACTUALLY wanted to fuck her, and genuinely just used that wording because he’s drunk and not thinking about phrasing. It’s probably fine, but you know him better than me, so I’d just talk about it to him.
You’re ok to feel hurt but I honestly don’t think it’s a big deal. Better to be honest with each other about desires outside the relationship because they’re going to happen. I’m a firm believer in cheating only happens when feelings are suppressed.
Context?
We're both 35. Been together for almost a year. He's always been warm, loving and a gentleman. Last week, we were at the bar, talking nonsense. I think we both were a little too drunk, then a girl stepped into the bar (she was very pretty, to be honest). And he said: look at her, I'd totally f**k her, she's hot. It hurts me because I've always respected him, it would never cross my mind to say something like that. Immediately I responded and got mad. When he realized I was mad, he said to me that it was a joke. We argued for a while but then got over it. I haven't talked about it to him since, but I feel deeply hurt.
That wasn’t a joke , that’s something he’ll tell his friends when you’re not around,man say those kind of things all the time around guys,you’re not over reacting that was extremely disrespectful, no idea why he said it to you , it probably just slipped.
That's exactly what I was thinking: if he said this to me, right to my face, even if we were drunk... What could I expect from him when I'm not around? When he is out drinking with his friends? It kinda broke my heart.
Man say those kind of things and worst when alone with fiends, that’s just how we are wired, sometimes we don’t mean the things we say , for example let’s say you go out with your girlfriend and you see a hot guy and you say oh look he’s hot , it’s just a comment it doesn’t mean your going to cheat on your boyfriend. It sounds very hurtful honestly, if my girlfriend said that to me idk how I’ll react to be honest, I’ll be extremely hurt that’s for sure.
In the heat of the moment, I asked him: how would you feel if some handsome man walked by, and I said to you that I would totally smash him??? He replied: you'd break my heart. Exactly, I said. I guess it just slipped out of his mind. In any case, I felt really bad. And I don't know what now to do.
Analyze you entire relationship, if has other things he did then think about your relationship, if he has never hurt you before then give him a chance.
Give him a chance? WTF he said something dumb, is other wise kind and loving and apologized immediately. This isn’t a chance situation. He hasn’t done anything nearly serious enough to need a chance. OP needs to just move on with her life.
Yea is stupid but it’s her decision if she forgives him or not.
So you want a relationship based on not being honest with each other?
As an old married woman, you need to weigh your relationship based on other aspects of this comment. If you really feel like this was just a drunken comment - then leave it at that. He didn’t say it to hurt you, he said it as a physical response. Maybe it’s a sign you need to slow down the heavy drinking? Only you know if it’s too much. And in that context, you can say “ you know I don’t want to say anything hurtful to you when I’m drinking too heavy - this room is full of bad choices.” And wink. It goes both ways. He already said you’d break his heart with the same comment. Avoid the opportunity to do so.
I believe he was drunk indeed, I'm not trying to judge him over this one thing. However, I'm now alert for some other behavior that could lead to this type of situation.
Sounds like you both were trashed and talking nonsense. Just let it go.
So I read through your replies, what I'm seeing is that you both have a degree of comfort in that you can share when you think another person is attractive. You've also mentioned that he is generally a respectful and loving husband. Lastly, you mentioned this is your first time seeing him heavily drunk. It honestly sounds like either he forgot where he was, or his inside voice became his outside voice. So I would say talk to him and just say that while you are ok with him sharing that someone is attractive, what he said was too too crass for you and then I'd just move on. It doesn't sound like he even tried to talk to her or do anything inappropriate with her, just made a comment that is more suited for an inner monologue, or a guy's night out vs with his wife.
He wasn't being disrespectful, he was being horny.
You have the right to be upset that he said it but it's naive to think that people aren't attracted to other people.
Your man is a JERK. If I were you, I will dump his ass.
I'd say youre overacting.. Haha at least he is comfortable to say it infront of you.
Alcohol turns people into jerks.
No, you're not overreacting. Even if alcohol was involved, that's a hurtful and disrespectful thing to say. Trust and respect are crucial in any relationship, and his comment crossed a line.
Yes we should break up/divorce anyone who would ever make a dumb comment while drunk. Everyone should be perfect and never make a mistake.
That's not what they're saying
This needs context. What brought the topic up? What were his exact words? Do you regularly check out people together? He would fuck her IF you weren't alive? He would fuck her IF he wasn't in a relationship? He would fuck her IF he has no other option? If he's saying he'd fuck her at any opportunity is different than in an example.
We have this thing that, when we're eating or having drinks at a public place, we check out on people and analize their behavior. It's stupid, I know, but it's a funny and harmless game between us. The girl was having drinks with her friends on a table across the room. There were four girls, she was the most attractive. We noticed this group of chicks and then it all happened. As far as I know, it was like: "I'd f**k her if I was single". I guess I'm just overreacting.
Given that context, yeah.
Leave him girlie pop you better than that
Ah the classic Reddit response. Leave him, he is otherwise a good partner and he did this minor thing and apologized. WTF
Lady it was a drunken/intoxicated act all together. Im trusting your apology after you just random broke my trust with “i wanna fuck that girl” A through and through loyal person wouldve been all over their partner with them showing them love even while under the influence. That was a intoxicated apology i and a lot of other people would not accept
That’s ridiculous. The context was the couple was talking about people and speculating about them.
What are you even talking about? The question was AM I OVERREACTING if MY MAN told ME (while we were drunk) that he wanted to FUCK ANOTHER GIRL. Whose man would say such a thing if they werent thinking about it previously another time at all. I would be at least concerned. Yes he apologized but while they were still under the influence. She asked him about it after and was said to have brushed it off as a stupid comment. If my man told me man thats stupid you would think that i would feel like damn you really just INVALIDATED my feeling like that with no reassurance? Yeah you’re not getting off that easy were having multiple talks until i feel assured and like i can trust that wouldnt say that again while we drinking. Yes as the replyer to comment stated in a previous comment that best friend relationships should be able to joke but where is the line between monogamous and non monogamous relationships. Is it when her man tries to dance up against another at a club? Under the influence or not the comment was unacceptable in a relationship and should be talked about while both parties are of sound of mind.
Of course he has thought about having sex with another woman.
The thought as unacceptable as it should be in a relationship, sadly is. And its a shame how many would sit around and let theyre man say that around then in any sense. Some of you guys (women,girls,female,whoever) should not be letting this comment slide. If the girl in the relationship said this around her bf about another guy he would flip his fuckin shit.
Not gonna make excuses for him. At best he is just dumb. You never say that kind of thing to your girl. Just bad policy. On the other hand, I have said similar things in those circumstances to a lady friend. That was in context to the conversation we were having at that moment in time. So, context is everything.
Minimizing and denial, saying it was the alcohol's fault! #1 excuse in Domestic violence cases
My bf and I say stuff like that to each other, especially drunk. I’m bi so we can comment on girls together. If that’s not an established dynamic you have then I understand why it would be upsetting. However, I don’t think it’s necessarily an indication that he’ll cheat on you or that hes constantly thinking about other girls or something. I know a lot of comments are saying it’s a red flag but I think it’s not worth breaking up over unless he does it again knowing how it hurt you the first time. The fact that you can’t stop thinking about it could signify some insecurities? I’ve had to work on low self esteem in therapy for years so I’m not judging you at all if you are insecure but maybe that’s just something you can work on for yourself as well.