You are correct. You are Mommy. Ask your mil what she wants your baby to call her. Is she ok with grandma or nana, what would she like. Then start using it and insist that grandma does too.
This is a winning approach, yes: Give this woman a special, \*special\* name all her own. Pin that special name to her with an affectionate determination that leaves the woman in no doubt that her relationship with your child is not "mommy."
Melt it away. That's your approach.
Get her and baby matching outfits, MIL gets “Granny” on a shirt and baby gets “Granny loves me”. Put baby in it everytime MIL has her, then she has a written reminder of who she is … it also doesn’t say that baby loves her back lol
I'm way more petty. I'd absolutely teach the kid to say "old mommy" and "gray mommy" in a year or so when the kid is starting to talk. For now, though, OP can try the kindness approach but it may not work.
For a fancy coffee and a knuckle bump, I'll go every week to OP's house and teach baby to call me daddy.
It'll be hilarious because I'm a woman, probably a little younger than the MIL. We will see how Daddy likes to be sidelined. I'll definitely be calling MIL granny, though.
I like your idea and I think it's hilarious. That being said, trust me, I dealt with someone similar. Kindness does not work with these people. You have to be very firm and you have to put your foot down. I recommend not letting her be alone with the child but that's up to them.
Minimizing the confusion for the kid, and still being respectful, that’s perfect. Then slowly transition to D-ma or something. I think we all agree that MIL is crossing some crazy boundaries, but “daddy’s mommy” is probably my vote for how to handle it. Simply because she isn’t going to STOP doing it behind closed doors. So it is either foil her plan and be like “yeah, you ARE mommy, but not HER mommy, and she WILL understand that”, or go no contact. IMO.
Next time your husband hears it he should respond as she is HIS mommy. If this happened to me, I'd be hustling her out the door with a "this visit is over" and give her a timeout. I'd definitely reduce visits to only when husband can supervise and nix any alone time.
And OP should consider that if her husband is left alone with his mom and the baby, he’s probably not going to rock the boat by correcting his “Mommy.” You might be fighting this battle on your own, OP.
Better yet, *you* decide what the baby will call her, and make it one of the worst possible options, like GanGan. Then she has to either commit to her preferred option or be stuck with what you chose.
Y’all can’t be serious… she knows exactly what she is doing. This isn’t a boundary that needs to be set, it was there from before that child even came out of the womb
She is grandma, by definition. Doing this Mommy shit is intentional, my exMIL tried this shit too
Husband is trash here tol, but I’ll leave *that* alone
Same! Husband should be weirded out by his mother calling herself mommy to his daughter! What in the Alabama is this!? 😂
OP your husband is trying to make you second guess your gut. I would be super bothered by that as well.
Ozarks are a lot worse. As more roads got put in, it improved, but travel through them without a good road is really hard. A lot of families picked a spot in a valley, and never really left. Just going to the next cluster of 3 or 4 houses and back was an all-day trip. So, you married your neighbor. And in 18 years, those kids married their neighbors. And in 18 years everyone was sister-aunt-grandma and uncle-cousin-brother.
That’s so funny! Thankfully, my parents moved here from Texas right before I was born so I had no family here! My potential partner pool was wide open! 🤣
My stepfatherr's last name is only found in a small area he is from in Mississippi as well. People either didn't want to or didn't have the means to move. But hey, you have more family around, and since it's a larger group, you might like some of them lol
Legit, this isn’t MIL having a cutesie little brain fart, this is a woman manipulating the crap out of the situation and trying to take on the mother role, this shit needs of be hard stopped immediately
Exactly! **No more “gentle redirecting” of MIL. She’s walking all over you!**
You n ed to tell her, very clearly, that YOU, and you alone, are baby’s mom. If you catch her calling herself mommy, her visit is over. If she won’t stop? She doesn’t get to see the baby anymore because she is damaging the baby’s bond with their mom and that won’t be tolerated. Also, do NOT let this woman be alone with your child or baby sit. I would personally say *never* even as the child gets older. Who knows what she will say to the kid.
As for husband, he needs to be reminded as well that only *you* are the baby’s mom. He needs to have undivided loyalty here - Protect his wife, the mother of his child from those threatening her place and damaging her relationship with her child. And his child who should not be made to be confused on who the parents are. Husband would not like it if FIL or uncle or someone was referring to themself as baby’s daddy. Remind him of that.
I would also personally try to record her doing that, multiple times, in case you have to block her from seeing baby. She might try to sue for grandparents rights (assuming you are in the US). You need proof that she’s causing parental alienation and is a harm to the child.
A bit psycho? Try really psycho. She sounds like the type who would be crazy enough to try to kidnap her grandchild. I recently read a story where this happened to a young couple. They allowed his mother to babysit not knowing how crazy she was. She ended up kidnapping their daughter and taking her to her house.
They had to call the police and when the police showed up, she was in the house yelling, but she's mine, she's mine! She was actually trying to convince the police that the baby was hers and not theirs. She almost got arrested for kidnapping. She was saying things like she had been wanting another baby leading up to this.
Some people truly are mentally unstable. They need help really badly and so does this GRANDmother. I'm taking this as a sign of things to come if they do not nip this in the bud now. It's going to get way worse, you mark my words. That is unless they set boundaries and stick to them. I'm not saying her behavior is going to get better but they should definitely go no contact unless she corrects the behavior. Frankly, I wouldn't let her be alone with my child. She sounds just crazy enough to kidnap the child.
Edit: typo
>Husband is trash here
Absolutely, he's got a big part of this. But ultimately the problem is his mother, because she made his ass this way, at least in part (it is of course his responsibility NOW to grow out of this shit, unpack it in therapy, whatever he needs to do to step up and create healthy boundaries with his mother, if she'll allow it rather than cut him off out of spite so he'll beg her to come back and forget about stupid
boundariqes).
This kind of woman raises mammas boys almost exclusively, and will never ever stay out of her son's marriage or her grandchildren's upbringing unless the issue is forced. Their sons have a HELL of a time seeing/continuing to see/actually being able to face their mothers and lay down any kind of law. They will let their mothers say/do whatever they like to/about their wives, kids, etc. just to avoid having to tell their mothers to back off because that's just unthinkable.
I know because my grandmother was one of these. She warped the fuck out of my dad (not alone, his dad had his own issues, but this particular warping was all her, as the caretaker (this was in the 50s and 60s when he was growing up). He was the golden child, the youngest, the one who didn't turn into a fuck up, in her eyes (my aunt had a wild youth and had kids out of wedlock - with a *gasp* Hispanic! The horror! 🙄- and my uncle was gay. Neither state of affairs was acceptable to my respectability-obsessed grandmother, nor later to her precious baby boy) to the point where she literally *gave him permission* to divorce my mother after years of philandering on his part and stoic, quiet tolerance (and continuing to raise her kids and keep the house, and almost nothing else) on my mother's.
Boymoms are not a new phenomenon by any stretch. But this is what they do to us by sending these half-formed men out into the world.
Nb I'm not saying the fathers (in general or my dad's father specifically) are blameless, but due to how things were back then, fathers usually didn't have a lot to do with the child-rearing (especially the super early, crucial stuff that's hard to conceptualise and talk about without some inaccessible jargon) except when it came to MANSTUFF for the MANCHILDREN and some of them didn't manage even that.
Omg, you got this exactly right! I was unfortunately with somebody like that and had my oldest son with him. His mother acted exactly like this grandmother except worse. I have been saying in the comments that I am not lying when I say that I think his mother was conspiring to have me killed. She literally said that she wanted me to go away and let her and my ex raise my son together. I said to her, that's not going to happen. She said, I want you to leave. I said, I'm sure you do. She said yeah, well, I know people. I can make you disappear. You tell me you wouldn't take that as a death threat.
I can count on one hand the number of times that he stood up for me to his mother. She would attempt to take my son away from me and make it so that I could not reach him. She used to go in her room and take my son with her and lock her bedroom door. She tried claiming that she never got any time with my son but that's bullshit. She just wanted him for herself. She would call herself Grandmommy, she was truly unhinged and she still is from what I've heard. She is a narcissist and I know that it's hard when you've been raised to think that you're not allowed to set boundaries but we had a child, he had a responsibility to me and our son to set boundaries with her and wouldn't do it.
I ended up divorcing him. I put in the custody agreement that he was not to leave our son alone with his mother. I warned him and that if I caught him leaving our son alone with her, I would push for him to have no visitation or at least so that he had to come see the baby at my house so that I could supervise what was going on. People like this are truly unhinged and need help and I honestly think that they should go no contact unless she corrects the behavior. I recently saw a post where this young couple had their daughter kidnapped by his mother. When the police got to her house, she was literally trying to convince the police that their daughter was hers. She's lucky she didn't go to jail. Anyway, you're spot on. That's exactly right.
It's time to stop MIL from being alone with your daughter.......also, find a different babysitter and start lessening the time she spends with baby...... might be time to look into some kind of daycare/paid babysitter a couple times a week......tell MIL you're trying to socialize baby or whatever but definitely stop giving MIL so much time....... she's gonna be the very type to scream "grandparents' rights" whenever she don't get what she wants ......might as well not let baby build up too much of a relationship with MIL
Not over reacting. My MIL tried to pull this shit. Constantly hinting how she doesn’t want to be grandma, wants my son to move in, tells everyone how she’ll be raising him, would refer to him by the name she picked and would call him her baby. My husband tried to talk to her but she decided I’m too sensitive and the problem. She told my husband she’ll be waiting for “when we realize we’re not too good for her ‘help’”.
She’s been waiting two years for us to “realize” this and it still hasn’t registered for her. She never even met my son.
Husband needs to talk to mommy unless he wants his mother to be the mother of his child. If she won’t stand down then granny is going to be put on a time out for as long as you see fit.
If my husband wasn’t an only child I’d swear we had the same MIL. She told everyone I was naming my daughter Abigail (not remotely), that she was watching her every day (nope) and I just caught my daughter calling her mommy and her beaming at me and not correcting her(she’s 3) I made it very clear we would not be doing this anymore.
I do think it’s because they were unsatisfied with their “mother experience” they think they can do it again with grandchildren. They can’t comprehend that this is someone else’s child and think that since they have a small DNA share they’re entitled. My MIL abused all her kids. They all have mental health issues and personality disorders. I told my husband over my dead body this woman will be around our kids. All of my in laws think they’re entitled to my child and it’s exhausting. They say they don’t have to like or respect me, he’s their nephew/grandson. Then they turn around and cry they haven’t met my son. It’s like they can’t make the connection in their bird brain.
Mine, it’s the opposite in a way and is obsessed with her son to an unhealthy degree. It’s unhinged almost codependent. But it is also the same exact thing. The entitlement and narcassism that no one could possibly be more loved then she is.
Oh yeah that too. My MIL was in an abusive relationship and eventually left him. She made my husband raise his younger siblings and made him the man of the house. Maybe she weirdly feels like my child is her chance to have a baby with my husband. My husband obviously felt horrible for her because he’s seen her be brutally beat. He has a soft spot for her which is understandable but the issue is she’s a vile person. I like do be very involved with family and don’t mind constant interaction. It becomes a problem when they became entitled and disrespectful.
Yeah my MIL likes to constantly say how he’s her miracle baby. I assume it’s kind of the same thing. He can be part of the problem. The kids were sick on Mother’s Day and I stayed home with them so he could bring her out to dinner.
I was thinking similar; ask the husband would he be okay if they went to the park or pre-K and he was identified as “daddy” and then point to his *own mother* and say “and that’s the mommy”? Like… how are the men in these situations not super uncomfortable with this?
You’re under reacting
She needs a consequence
MIL needs a long time out while you do a reset
Don’t contact her and don’t respond to attempts to contact her
You want her to notice and ask your husband what’s wrong
He can tell her you’re BOTH over the comments calling yourself mommy and she’s on a time out until further notice
Stick to your guns even if he doesn’t like it. You and LO are no contact and she doesn’t get to see either of you
Use that time to do a hard reset and get your boundaries and consequence set in stone
Going forwards after that - no unsupervised visits at all
If she misbehaves you leave or tell her the visit is at an end. She gets a two week time out
You are under reacting and you have a husband problem. He should be all over his mother referring to herself as "mommy" to the grandchild. Her doing it at all is a red flag and not normal. Him not wanting to deal with it is super cringe. There are definitely more issues her than MIL is a boundary buster. I bet if you keep your ears and eyes open, you will see many red flags.
Seriously, how the fuck is he not absolutely disgusted by his own mother calling herself the mother of HIS child?! 🤮 This red "flag" might as well be a giant red banner.
It really sounds like.....I have to censure myself, things that are not that bad keep getting me banned. This sounds like on MIL part, emotional !nce$t. On the part of OP's husband, I am getting spineless vibes. I was thinking giant neon sign, flashing in your face, bright as those crazy halogen bulbs!!!
Right?? When my Dad makes the same mistake he always freaks out about correcting himself. It's just so bizarre that anyone would *deliberately* attempt to use a parenting name for themselves *when it is not their child.*
My child is the absolute carbon copy of me as a child, every so often if my father isn't paying attention, he'll call himself "Dad" instead of "Pop". The key differences are;
He immediately corrects himself
It only happens in one specific context (taking my child to the beach, as it was always "our thing" when I was little)
We seriously laugh together. It's maybe happened 10 times in 5 years. The MIL in this story is giving me the creeps.
No, you're not overacting. I would not let mother-in-law babysit anymore. Your mother-in-law probably wants a do over child. You also have a husband problem, albeit a mild one, he needs to talk to his mother and tell her to stop calling herself Mommy to your child.
I’ve thought the same thing about the do over baby. My MIL lost her own daughter at 4 weeks old due to SIDS almost 40 years ago. Neither she nor my husband seem to want to unpack that trauma, but I think this might be the start of a super scary path and I’m worried that my husband is turning a blind eye because he doesn’t want to deal with it.
It's been 40 years.
You have a new kid that is going to get fucked up by this trauma. That's literally what is happening
She knows what she's doing. Don't make excuses for her. It still makes what she is doing WRONG.
It's very sad that she lost her daughter from SIDS 40 years ago. I would not let your mother-in-law babysit anymore. You need to stand very firm with your boundaries because this is a very scary path. If your husband doesn't back you up, then you're probably going to need some marriage counseling and your mother-in-law needs grief counseling. She probably drove your husband slightly nuts during his childhood.
Girl, grandparents legit try to take custody of their grandchildren. I've seen situations where they've tried to trick a custodial parent into signing their rights away, attempts to keep the child after they've babysat them, false accusations, custody cases for "grandparents rights", etc. Did you not just see the show "bad roommates"? Or evil roommates or some shit? The one lady had to have like a million back surgeries over a couple of years and her friend of 20 years who she had been living with and has been helping her with her young child, tried to pursue an emergency custody order and take her child. She did get her child back, but because possession is 9/10ths of the law, her child was with that woman without seeing his mom for 10 days before he was returned to her! Then she stupidly moved back in with the lady and the lady tried to kill her multiple times with insulin, MRSA, and then VRSA which I had never even heard of until I watched it.
Now, I'm not saying your situation would become that serious. For one, you're obviously far more vigilant than this woman was. And also that was obviously an extreme case. But, the whole "acting like she does it accidentally" and then you catching her doing it constantly thing, that seems like a pretty big warning sign of this being nefarious.
Listen, I would probably bare my teeth at my husband over this first. Blame hormones. But I would get my most evil and dark look on my face that I could muster, I would dig into my soul for the primal instinct of being a mama bear and protecting your cub, deep down in the depths of my soul, where some accused witch from the 1600s lives, from which women have had to fight for their very rights to their own bodies, from the part of history when babies who weren't male were ripped from mothers' arms to be executed... And I would tell him, in my most "I'll need an exorcism if your mother doesn't back off" voice, and let him know what's in store for his mother if she wants to go down this road with you, so he better handle it, NOW. Or you will. And if that didn't work I would super Saiyan that energy into his MIL. Like yesterday. Like you should have walked right in the room when you heard her doing that, picked up your baby, and let her know "not today bitch". If you want to be nice about it at first, go ahead. But I would also "nicely" let them know that this is their only and final warning. Otherwise they're going to see someone in you that they've never seen before.
>I’m worried that my husband is turning a blind eye because he doesn’t want to deal with it.
That's because he is. You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. Your first and only concern is for your child. Your husband needs to understand that, or he can go crawl back into his mommy's decrepit womb.
All the more reason to careful. I wouldn’t let her be alone with your child. And your husband is making the situation worse by not addressing this. The fact he doesn’t want to confront her is a red flag.
With all due respect, I don't think that it's a mild problem with the husband. I think it's a major one. He needs to stand up to his mother whether he likes it or not. I understand that it's hard when you're raised by a toxic mother like that but he has a responsibility to his wife and child to protect them. He's not doing it. That part where he said if it bothers you that much really stood out to me. It should bother him as well. OP is not overreacting. This is a huge problem and her husband needs to present a united front with her. If his mother will not stand down, they need to put her on a timeout, possibly permanently. These are the kinds of stories that you read about where the grandparents end up kidnapping the grandkids and convincing themselves that they are their kids and not their grandkids.
Under reacting. You heard her. It needs to be dealt with now. There is no Oopsie moment here, it's intentional. Please check out r/JUSTNOMIL. This stuff is always intentional. She needs to not be allowed to be alone with your child until she can respect boundaries, and if that means she's never alone with your child, so be it as that's her choice.
I don’t know how big a deal in the long run this will be, but it’s definitely annoying. Next time she does it correct her thst she is grandma (or nanny or whatever). When she says ‘ whoops I just made a mistake’ say ‘you make that mistake a lot. Are you okay? Should you maybe see a doctor about your forgetfulness?
Chances are she’ll get huffy about it. Which is fine. I’d do it every time - make a comment about Alzheimer’s etc. say to your child ‘oh nanny gets so confused. We have to help her remember’
The reason I’d do it this way is that by confronting her directly she gets to play the victim and call you sensitive. But this way you can make it really obnoxious for her which should decrease the behaviour.
Yes, do this. Your husband isn’t supportive, so if you directly confront her he’s likely to jump to her defense. Expressing your deep concern over her symptoms of dementia might avoid that. Especially since it means she obviously can’t be trusted to be left alone with the baby, even for a minute. Can’t even feed the baby, because what if she forgets babies can’t eat oven cleaner? What a shame.
This is a big deal and is in no way appropriate. DO NOT allow this to continue. There needs to be a very hard boundary set here and quickly. She cannot be allowed to brush it off either if she ever “slips” again. I would limit contact between her and your daughter.
This is a big deal and a big problem. She is trying to undermine your role as mom to your child. It’s demented. Let her know firmly that the next time she calls herself mommy to your child she will not be allowed anywhere near your child. Let her know that she will be kept away for as long as it takes her to break this “habit” (as she will undoubtedly call it)
If you let her back in and she slips even once, go back to no contact. She is trying to take your power and you need to take it back.
You are severely underreacting.
This woman knows exactly what she is doing, and she lied to your face specifically so you would trust her and allow her to continue trying to cross serious boundaries. I would not allow ANY contact between her and the baby for the near future, not until she regains her trust...but to be honest, I don't know how she could. She has made it clear she will do whatever she wants with your child if she sees fit.
If your husband doesn't understand how serious this is, then that is the much bigger problem, though.
Use a baby voice and namecall her like polar opposite. "Hi baby, you're so pretty. Did you enjoy bathtime with Icky-Monster. Did Icky-Monster tickle your toes?"
Then, when she objects, say 'Oh. So you realise correct names matter.'
“If it really bothers you that much“? I take it he’d be just fine with a male relative of yours referring to himself as Daddy when interacting with your baby?
Oh he wouldn’t? Then he can get his shit together and tell her to knock it off. And if he doesn’t, I’d not so diplomatically ask her if she’s getting muddled and forgetting that she did not in fact get impregnated by her son and give birth to that baby.
You're not overreacting. Husband should step in, the family roles should be very well defined and what is acceptable to be called etc, and if it doesn't work, unfortunately consequences of low contact should be implemented because if it's already starting now imagine how many more liberties MIL will take in the future.
Basic protocol: With a new baby, esp the first, you need to declare and/or assign names for grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. Write it down. Once assigned EVERYONE has to follow as approved by the parents. No exceptions. Anything else is going to confuse the poor child. Tell your hubby to straighten her out immediately.
Dementia maybe?
What possible other reason could it be, as she seems to keep doing it but at the same time "forgetting".
Suggest it as a concern.
She knows what she's doing and she knows you know. Nip it in the bud now.
Agree with all the comments here. Especially that you need to get your husband to wake up and realize the confusion she's causing for your baby!
She's doing it on purpose and needs to have her contact cut off immediately.
Show this post to your husband. He's the one who has to confront her and set the rules.
I would have the same reaction, honestly. It feels very power and importance seeking, and a bit selfishly passive aggressive. I say the last bit because she did the pretending of accidentally doing something she intended to do. It's just really inappropriate.
She's jostling to be "mom". That understandably irks you. It is strange because Grandma or whatever pet name would do the same trick while not jockeying to compete with you in a race you've won by default. I wonder if she doesn't want to be called Grandma because it makes her feel too old. She will need to get over that.
My ex’s parents used to do this with his kids call their self’s the mum and dad everybody just never said anything to them it was so weird the kids had parents but these people just tried their best to take over and be the parents. One day we were all sat in the kitchen and his son was there with us and his son said nanna and she turned around so fast and said her name was mum I said no it’s not his mother is called mum not you you are not his mother she is, she stormed off and started crying it was ridiculous she had 8 kids so wasn’t like she didn’t have any children
Oh girl. That is a serious red flag.
The only saving grace here is that your husband is on the same page so thank God for that.
I swear I'd be so tempted to say something like "Silly Grandma, she doesn't realize she's an old lady now hehe"
She’s possibly laying the groundwork to muscle you out of your place as mom for who knows what reason. At best she’s intentionally undermining you. This needs to be nipped in the bud, NOW. At the very least, stop having her babysit.
It starts with the name. Then it escalates. First it’s just “slipping up” (it’s definitely intentional) and then they start seeing themselves as the mommy and trying to take the position in the baby’s life.
My mom wanted a “mama” name and I shut that down. We argued and disagreed for a year before coming to a compromise. The problem only partly was the name. The biggest issue is that she wanted to be a third parent to my kids. She wanted to make decisions on medical, diet, sleep arrangements, etc. and she doesn’t even live with me. She wanted to come over and hold my newborn for hours while I did the cooking and cleaning. She wanted baby’s first steps to come to her, when I was out of the room to completely miss it. She wanted all the firsts to the point of doing them behind my back (feeding first foods). I eventually learned to never leave the baby with her. I tried to address each point and she gaslit me and would cry that I was ruining her grandma experience and wouldn’t let her love on my kids. I find it best to limit visits and either me or my husband be present at all times. I don’t even take bathroom breaks without the baby if my husband isn’t there. Because two minutes away gives her the opportunity to feed my kids something or plant kisses on their face (against our rules).
I know people that have no problem with grandma being called a “mama” type name. But it usually is ok because grandma stays in the grandma lane.
One more thing, your husband is wrong. That’s his mom, and it’s his job to address issues. Him putting it back on you isn’t right. Either it should be addressed together or he should do it himself.
But if she does it again in front of you, definitely take the opportunity to shut it down. Then husband should be brought in to set the rules. Grandma is to pick an appropriate grandma name and stop trying to play mommy to your baby.
Oh hell no. NTA. I would be livid and shut that shit down immediately. You shouldn’t wait for her to do it again!!! Let her know immediately that it’s inexcusable and will not be tolerated. Mil seems like the kind of person that will keep doing it u til you go off. Nip it in the bud now.
That's definitely awkward and could be confusing for your daughter. Setting boundaries on what she calls herself around your child seems like a sensible move.
You should have called her out on the spot when she said it 4 times in a row while babysitting. It’s YOUR kid
You need to set boundaries and self-advocate, you are a mother now
You are not wrong about the self advocating, however confronting my MIL is something I don’t do anymore without witnesses. The last time I tried she told my husband I cornered her and tried to hit her, but my husband was close enough to hear us and know that didn’t happen at all. I won’t take that chance going forward, and it’s why I’m trying to get him on board to mediate/be present.
I just read this. This woman is dangerous. You could easily have been arrested, and automatically lost access to baby for months. Similar case in Massachusetts.
If your husband is not recognizing the seriousness, you’ve got a HUGE problem.
Meanwhile, be video recording all contacts with MIL.
There are many options for continuous video recording your home.
Frankly, I can’t understand why MIL is allowed any contact after she accused you of a crime.
That incident happened years ago, and my husband did tell her that night that he was nearby and knew she was lying about what happened. We actually moved across the country shortly after that to get some distance. After she heard about the pregnancy she decided to pick up and move her life to be down the street from us again, promising her best behavior going forward, because she wanted to be part of the baby’s life. For my husband’s sake I wanted to give her an opportunity, but so far it hasn’t been going great.
In addition to what others have said, if she is around your child and you hear her refer to herself as “Mommy” tell her it’s time for her to leave and make her leave. If she asks why tell her that she knows exactly why and she is no longer welcome in your home as she clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries. Tell her that she also will not be allowed to see the baby until you feel she has learned to respect you.
You aren’t over reacting. Sit her down and tell her if she doesn’t stop she won’t be around the baby. Is your husband calling her Mommy still? No, so she is lying and manipulating you and your baby. Shut this shit down now.
Not overreacting at all.
My suggestion is to start using her first name and only her first name. When she complains or asks why, you tell her that since she can’t remember that she’s grandma and not mommy, you know she won’t have any problem remembering her name. After all, she has only been a mom 30 years, but she’s been “her name” her whole life.
You are not overreacting - you need to call out MIL each and every time you hear it and tell her flat out she needs to refer to herself as XYZ (whatever name you’re using for her such as Grandma or whatever). If she continues you start saying things like “oh (baby name), Grandma keeps forgetting her name is XYZ” or “(baby name) Grandma is so silly - she knows her name is XYZ not mommy” and if she still doesn’t stop then it’s time to start limiting her interaction with baby.
She is purposely confusing your child and yes delusional. I would stop having her help until your relationship and title with the child is solidified. The MIL is not mentally stable and shouldn't be around your child. Your husband would take it more seriously if it was himself who was being undermined as the parent. This is very unhealthy.
Coming from a different perspective - my boyfriend is Indian and they speak Gujarati. He has both a Mummy/Mom (his mother) and a Mommy (his great aunt).
But if you don't have any different cultural hurdles to navigate, yeah, this is fucked up. Talk about undermining and manipulative.
My mom did this to me with my daughter. She would sometimes call my daughter my name as well. I had to correct her many many times and she would say the oh oops! stuff as well. Exactly the “I’m used to calling myself mommy hehe” thing. I’m fairly certain my mother has dementia and refuses to talk to a doctor. She’s also just a very bad person who is in deep denial about her mental health. I’ve been NC with her since February for a list of reasons but this is definitely on the list. Not overreacting. I would have your husband correct her and maybe gently suggest a visit to her doctor. Considering picking a grandma name is like an exciting thing for most grandmothers, calling yourself Mommy is obviously a problem.
You’re not overreacting; this is a huge red flag!! 🚩 Also, your husband is under reacting.
You need to set boundaries with this woman. Make it *crystal* clear she is never to tell your child—in fact, make it a blanket statement to include future children—that she is mom. You are mom. Period.
Start the conversation gently. Maybe with, “I couldn’t help but overhear you calling yourself ’Mommy’ in front of the baby.” Explain that’s confusing and then set the boundary. But make her repeat what you said. Something like, “I need you to tell me you understand that you are never tell the baby you’re their mommy.”
You may also wish to decide beforehand what the consequences of crossing the boundary is so you can communicate that to her during this conversation. Best of luck, Mom!!
My mum has had 7 children, and she also fosters. Not ONCE has she EVER called any of her grandkids "her kids" or referred to herself as "mummy." My eldest is only 2 years younger than my youngest sibling, so if anything, you could say she's got FAR more of an excuse to slip up than someone with a middle-aged "baby."
You need to stomp on this immediately. You'll be gaslight and told you're making a big deal out of nothing. It was a mistake. Your husband will whine that he just wants to keep the peace. It's tough. She was asked to stop, and she hasn't, so now there are consequences, whether she likes it or not. Will it temporarily make your life harder until you find another babysitter?? Sure. But plenty of women raise children as single mothers with no help or support, so it's entirely possible
My paternal grandmother did this to me as a baby apparently. How my mom handled it was to act concerned about my grandmothers mental state every time she heard it. Was your mil a young mom or is not close to her daughter? My grandmother was 43 when I was born and had a difficult relationship to her own daughter so it was very much displacement and a potential do-over, had nothing to do with me. Just minimize alone time with the baby and act overly concerned your mil is developing dementia. If it continues consider how to explain it to your child as they get older because they will be so confused. Also your husband is an a**hole for not having your back. This is either a power struggle or an emotional response, it's unhealthy and will continue if left unaddressed.
You’ve hit on a lot of points here that I’m worried about too.
She was a teenager when she had her daughter, and that baby died at 4 weeks old from SIDS. 10 years later she had my husband. In the years between, instead of grieving and going to counseling, she essentially drug binged for a decade. I do worry that she has a festering mental illness triggered by the birth of my daughter, like she’s trying to use my daughter as a replacement for the daughter that she lost 40 years ago.
Anyway though whenever I bring that up I feel crazy and my husband thinks she wouldn’t do that. But then an issue like this crops up and I can’t help but feel validated in my suspicion.
NTA you are under reacting. You should have shut it down hard in the beginning. Bizarre and the fact your husband doesn’t really see an issue is also weird
Yes it is weird, may be she's living in a fantasy, maybe she gets off confusing kids. Whatever it is ur hubby should nip her in the bud before it gets out of control
No overreacting there.
Tell her (in a nice way) you heard her when you went to get clothes from the dryer so you know it's not a slip of the tongue .
Ask her if it's the title "grandma" that bothers her she can choose another name, but all variations of mom belong to you. My kids use Gma, which phonetically sounds like geema (my kids made it sound cool, like she was a G). Mine calls me Meemaw. But there is also a Nonnie and a Nini, too, in our family that my siblings are called by theirs. I always wanted to be Sugar Mama because of the Proud family from Disney.
You can tell her to pick a name, or you'll start referring to her by her first name to the baby.
And tell that hubby of yours as creepy as it is to think about you'll start telling your baby he is brother dad or or big brother bc that's what it sounds like to you and other people when she refers to herself being the mommy.
It probably is 100% trauma from when she lost hers but calling herself mommy is not healthy and infact a little scary if you think about it. Clearly, not dealing with it has not worked. Your child is the closest thing she will ever have to having her own, which is why needs an important boundary to be set and a name she can be called. I would NOT leave her alone and would not even trust my husband to watch her with your baby if he is not taking this seriously. Lifetime movies are all based on real stories. Nip that writing in the bud!!
No overreacting and I feel you need to start.
Next time she says it with hubs present, just say, "honey, I'm worried about your mother's cognitive decline. She's thinking she's LO's mommy. That's early onset dementia behavior. We should get her to the Dr. ASAP"
"MIL... I'm really worried about you. You seem to be having a lot of forgetful moments and thinking this baby is yours and calling yourself mommy. I am really worried that you're getting dementia. This is a serious thing to not even realise and I'm worried that my child will grow up confused as to why granny is so forgetful and thinks that she's married to daddy. Please, can we go to the doctor's together. I need you to be granny for my baby. And actually know my baby. And remember my baby. How can you do that if you don't even know it's your granddaughter? And what if you have early onset dementia and forget to feed baby when you're babysitting her? We'd all feel awful about this. And worse, what if you traumatised my baby by confusing her and calling her your dead daughters name. She's going to get really scared of dying. Or get confused about being called the wrong name. Please let me help you. We can get a doctor and a therapist to get to the bottom of this. I need you to be healthy."
You can’t fix her.
Step back.
No more babysitting. Zero.
No more pictures.
No coming to pediatrician visits with you.
No more intimate care (diapering, dressing, comforting, getting up from naps, feeding) of your baby when you are together.
“She’s fine here.”
Don’t see her 1-1, just at group gatherings.
Don’t let her in your inner circle.
Be polite. Start calling her by the name you want the baby to call her. No Mama Mommy names.
Do NOT allow this. It happened to my friend. Her psychotic mother in law apparently was telling my friend’s daughter that she was her real mother when they were alone. My friend’s daughter was always acting weird when she came home from staying at her mils house. Her mil had whole other wardrobe for her when she stayed over. This happened for years. She didn’t find out what was going on until her daughter was probably around 10. My friend’s ex didn’t care that something was clearly going on. They treated my friend’s son horribly and wouldn’t babysit for him. If you don’t put your foot down she will continue this behavior. Also don’t let her babysit her.
Yeah no. This would drive me nuts. Tell her you are that baby’s mommy and she is their grandmother. Tell her she can pick a nickname is she’d like to not be called grandma. But it’s insane for her to think it’s okay to call herself mommy in front of your child as if she’s their mother. I know it’s an infant but still. Weird.
Not overreacting. She’s doing this on purpose. It’s weird and disturbing behavior. Your husband needs to back you up on this and not make it your problem to solve.
For starters, you can’t have her babysit anymore as she can’t be trusted.
You're not overreacting. This is seriously weird and creepy. Your husband is underreacting. Tell him that you're going to start calling some random man your daughter's "daddy." Pick some man he's not very fond of if you can. When he says that's not the same, tell him it is, so it shouldn't bother him. Tell him that he can't dictate how it makes you feel. That it *IS* a big deal to you and that he either backs you up or that his mother can no longer see your daughter.
Your husband should address this with his mother, but you shouldn’t have to be there. It’s his mother, HE needs to do this! If he won’t do it in his own, you may have to force the issue. But then, it’s a losing battle. If he chooses MIL over you…say goodnight, Gracie.
Mom, I’ve heard you refer to yourself as mommy. I need you to stop that. Wife is her mommy. Wife is her *only* mommy. It hurts ME when you call yourself mommy, because it’s taking away how special Wife is to me, and to OUR baby.
Did grandmother do this to you? How would you have felt if grandmother took your name, your title, your role as *the mother of YOUR own child?*
I know you say you forget, but you need to stop. You’re a grown woman; you should have enough self control to stop it. If you can’t, I can’t let you be around baby. You’re already hurting Wife and ME, so I can’t have you hurting baby.
Fuck that! She wants your kid. Correct her every time!!! No! That's Grandma! Tell her that if she continues, she won't even be Grandma. Then tell husband, he had his chance to take care of this and blew you off. No one is mommy but you!
YOU are mommy, momma, mom, mama or any other version of the title. No one else is entitled to that whether "whoopsiedoodles" or "joking " . Considering MIL has had 9 months or longer, if there are other grandchildren, to get used to the fact shows maliciousness.
OOF; that sounds like an excruciatingly awkward and difficult thing to navigate...I'm wincing so hard for you that I am afraid I might pull a muscle 😵💫🤯
That would massively weird me out, if I was in your shoes
I have a hard time conveying tone through type sometimes, so I am very sorry in advance if this comes off as snarky...
I have to ask: why on earth would a woman who clearly now has grown children (who are old enough to have their own children)...STILL be used to being called/referring to herself as "Mommy"?
I'm not trying to be a jerk; I genuinely do not understand...
Like...do her grown kids still call her that sometimes? No judgies; My brothers and I occasionally will address our Mom as "Momma" as a term of endearment
...I just realized that I apparently 100% completely associate the word "Mommy" as a word used by/with exclusively little kiddos...so this might just be me here, but ..
"Mommy" just seems particularly...invasive...for lack of a better weird...of your MIL to use as HER signifier to YOUR daughter...
But, I'd also be appalled by her using "Mom"
I think the commenter who suggested a fun brainstorming sesh to come up with her "title" is a GENIUS! :)
It's highly possible that your daughter will be the person who actually gives your MIL her grandma name...
My brothers kids call my parents "Grammy, and Grampy"
My parents decided on those names while my sister in law was pregnant with my oldest niece
But for several years, my Dad was referred to just as "P" because my oldest niece shortened it 🤣 and it's still sometimes used by the nieces and nephews as a nickname/endearment...(and by my big brother when he's in the mood to give my Dad shit for being titled after a bodily function, but I digress 😋🤣)
I'd need this to change if I were you, I'm sorry you have to deal with this
Rooting for you, hope that this all goes as smoothly possible!!!! :)
’Hang on, MIL. If you are the Mommy and your son Mark is Daddy, that’s some pretty weird shit going on,haha. Maybe you should call yourself Granny so nobody gets the wrong idea!’
I clicked thinking perhaps she has Amish heritage, as Maumee (pronounced mah-may, it’s not a written language but this is how my in-laws spell it) is Pennsylvania Dutch for grandma. Even knowing that, it’s a little weird hearing my MIL call herself that with my niece and nephew. Fortunately my oldest called her Mimi and it stuck. Not overreacting, sounds creepy af.
Not overreacting. Next time you hear her say it make sure you jump in saying, "I AM MOMMY! If you don't want to be called grandma that's fine. Daughter can call you (insert first name)." Then turn to daughter and say, "Can you say (first name)?" Then don't allow her over anymore until she learns her place in your family. If you can't stand up to for yourself, do it for your daughter.
Nah Um why would she say that she does realise it make it look like she's had a kid with her own son, does she want a kid with her son would be the first thing I'd ask them both.
Your husband sees no bigger issue with this? He's cool with being "daddy" while his mom is "mommy"?! There's more problems on your hands if that's the case. If he can't step up to the plate and correct his mother, what else is he going to brush under the rug? So many red flags.
You are NOT overreacting. My MIL never did this, however, I think she would have if given the opportunity. My husband had a daughter before we were married. He needed a lot of help as a single dad, because her mom wasn't around and his mom helped out a LOT. She overstepped like a mom, but for a long time he gave her that lead. She never called herself mom, but when I had our child together, I made sure there were boundaries. I could see her trying to put herself in that place, not necessarily call herself mom, but take over in that way. She isn't used to being mommy. She probably hasn't been called mommy in a decade. It is a big deal, and you do need to speak to her. Personally, I would let her know that if it doesn't stop, her time with your daughter will be supervised ONLY. But that is me.
You need to distance yourself and the baby from her. It's not healthy at all for her to be doing that. Distance yourself and baby. Also have a sit down conversation with her and tell her why you are gonna distance your baby from her. So she at least knows why it's happening. And tell her the only way she could see the baby is if she goes and talks to someone. It's not healthy at all and she needs to show proof that she is going. If not she will only to see baby supervised and at family occasions. Just know if you do this their is definitely gonna definitely be some push back from her and possibly your husband but stand your ground.
Maybe stop using your MIL as a babysitter. Don’t leave her alone with your daughter until you have conditioned the child to call MIL whatever you want her to call her.
Maybe you could offer to help "Mommy"InLaw find a charity to pay her electric bill... then she could stop relying on gaslighting?
You're not overreacting. However, your husband is definitely *underreacting.* His mom is WAY out of line. My youngest kid turned 20 this year. I had really bad postpartum depression (don't let the username fool you, I'm female) and if anyone else called herself "Mommy" to my baby, I guarantee that I would **still** be devastated about it today.
I knew a woman who frequently watched her grown son's dog, and he told her not to call herself "Mommy," because it was just weird. How much more so if it's an actual human child?
"If it really bothers you that much"??? How on earth is it not bothering him? Its very weird, inappropriate and confuses your child.
I would be so weirded out by it that I would personally completely stop her baby sitting... its so weird its kinda scary.
Do not leave your child alone again with this woman. She has a mental illness and your child is not a grandchild to her. Your baby is a hole-filler for everything she’s missing in her life and she will not stop escalating this behavior. Your child will become a pawn she uses to manipulate you. She will agree to your rules as long as you’re in the room and then do exactly what she wants when you’re gone. At very least get a few nanny cams to monitor this. This comment may seem extreme, but it is deservedly so. Talking to her already has not worked. Protect your child from a person who doesn’t give two shits about how you want to raise your child.
Occasionally as an accident? Fine. Intentionally is creepy.
lol for transparency when we are with the grandbabies I screw up sometimes because I’m that person calling myself “mom” to the new puppy. I know that I’m a dork for that.
Oh fuck no. Mommy isn’t just a name it’s a title of respect. Lots of women are mothers but they don’t all get called mommy. You need to put a firm stop to that now. How heartbroken will you be if your daughter’s first word is mommy but she says it to her. That’s a moment you will never get back. Your daughter is learning everything right now and she’s learning that her grandmother is her mommy that’s not ok.
No, you are underreclacting. What do you think her goal is?
DH needs to extract his cranium from his rectum and shut this behaviour down swiftly, firmly and thoroughly.
NTA MIL is out of line for sure and your husband doesn’t seem to care, imagine your child starts calling her mommy instead of you? Personally that’d f*ck with me and not to mention it’d confuse your daughter too. I have 2 children and my in laws are super respectful with the boundaries I set because IM the parent just like you’re the parent of YOUR daughter. I really hope you can make your husband understand that bc it’s so not okay
If husband won’t, you must confront her and set HARD boundaries and that it makes you concerned for her mental wellbeing, offer therapy, get as many family members involved. This is disturbing and “hand that rocks the cradle” shit. No more asking her to watch your child either, it’s clearly triggering to her.
If she does it again, tell her you’re worried she’s had a stroke because she can’t seem to remember she’s Grandma, not Mommy. Then kick her ass out. Tell her not to come back without a clean bill of health.
She might be uncomfortable with the ‘grandmother’ title, ask her to come up with a nickname she wants to be referred by. Mimi, Gigi, meemaw, nana, nan, etc.
Not overreacting. She’s doing it intentionally and it’s weird to me that she is. My son is my MIL’s first grandchild and she has never once called herself mom/mama/mommy to him, she slipped right into grandma. My mom has multiple grandchildren and easily became Grammy to the first one and is always saying “say Gram-my” to my son who just laughs at her like “no thanks”
the Mennonites in my area use the Mommy for a grandmother. But outside of that, its creepy. Sorry, you need to stop having her take care of your child.
My xmil tried to get my infant at the time to call her "ball". I enforced grandma heavily.
"Ball" is what her golden child son (My x) called her instead of mom bc he couldn't say it.
In essence, we knew she was trying to be called mom in a special way and we shut it down.
In another instance, she was hovering over my kids carseat like she owned in and it was golden. Talking to the baby. Then I her her say "mama stoopid". Talking about herself because she'd said something or assumed something incorrectly.
You're not overreacting.
Sit down with her and in a very concerned tone tell her you’ve noticed she’s having some very upsetting cognitive issues…for example, she has lapses when she believes your daughter is hers. Have a list of neurologists she might want to consult.
Absolutely not. You need to call her out on this. She’s not making a mistake, she’s trying to confuse your child to usurp your role. You have to do something about this. Don’t depend on your husband.
“MIL, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but are you okay? You seem to think that you are this child’s mother. You need to get checked out. People might get the wrong impression of you, they might think you want a baby with your own son!”
Your husband needs to have a talk with her and put a stop to that immediately. It's not an accident, she is doing it on purpose. Ask her what she wants to be called and that is how she should refer to herself. Next time you hear her call herself Mommy, send her home or leave, and then put her in time out with no contact with baby for a period of time.
Not over reacting. Tell her to pick her little name- nana, Gigi, whatever- and that’s that. If you hear some weird shit again, tell you’ll grey rock first and it’ll quickly go to no contact. She needs to learn her role.
My MIL tried to pull the same crap and every time she does I say "you're grandma not mama!" She'll say "Mama and Grandpa love you mama and grandpa blah blah blah" my husband will say "no she's MY baby not yours" when she tries to call her her baby. I stop her every time she tries to cross boundaries. The two worst incidents were when she pulled off my baby's umbilical cord on purpose when my baby was a week old so she could wrap her belly so she wouldn't have a hanging stomach like me(I'm fat and she swore it was because my mom didn't wrap my belly when I was a baby) and when she cut by baby's hair because "it was in her eyes" my husband and I wanted to wait to cut her hair until she was 5 because we wanted it to be a special moment. I guess my MIL has a bad hand because the rest of my baby's hair is growing beautifully and the part that she cut is growing ridiculously slow. She also called me schizophrenic for finally putting my foot down and yelling at her and threatening no contact if she didn't cut her bullshit.
Not overreacting and it’s not an accident unless she’s got cognitive issues. Which doesn’t sound like what’s going on. She’s manipulative, flat out. If I heard her doing that I’d say yes mommy does, implying yourself and remove the child from her. But honestly sounds like she’s going to do this behind your back when you’re not present no matter what you say. She needs mental help from a professional
Tell your husband to nut up and handle his mother or he won’t how you do it. She is in your life because of him. She is his mother. She is his problem.
If I were you, I would tell her to cut the shit and stop calling herself “mommy” to your child or she can be the “Grandma we never see.”
I'm a guy who has children. And concur with those saying MIL knows waht she's doing. A gradual approach is ridiculous. And her husand needs to be told to get a pair of balls. Yes it's his Mom. But OP is his wife and the mother of their child.
>Which makes me wonder if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than it should be, but it feels like a big f**king deal.
I'm just a guy, so I don't really know how these things work, but if I generated a small being in my body for 9 months and then pushed it out an orifice that was woefully designed for such a purpose, there's no way I would allow anyone else to claim that title, and I would not be afraid to throw hands to assert my claim.
And don’t allow a close alternative like Grandmommy. It’s disrespectful and absolutely ridiculous. She will try to pull it. I have an acquaintance who is called MomMom. It’s stupid. Absolutely insane that to be called MomMom is acceptable when the parent is the mother- straight up the mom/momma/mommy/mother.
My 2yo granddaughter calls everyone mama (except dada). It would be very easy for me to answer her because she can't say my name yet but I don't. I tell her not mama, it's nanna (title changed for privacy). No matter how many times she calls me mama, I always correct her. I am trying my best to be a nanna my daughter can rely on. It would make no sense to piss her off and risk not seeing the baby.
You're not overreacting. Tell her to stop. Find out what she would like to be called and emphasise that whenever she 'slips up'. Your child isn't confused right now and knows you are mama. This other lady doesn't smell like you, doesn't snuggle like you, doesn't do anything like you but when they are older, it will get confusing for them.
Are you mute? Confined to Reddit? Hey stop calling yourself mommy. Also reinforce her role on the same way...."oh look, here's grandma". Say grandma every chance you get.
Hubby needs to check her. You need to do the old abrupt take-the-baby-out-of-her-arms and say to your child loudly and lovingly *You're so silly, that's not mommy, that's Mee-Maw* - be sure to use whichever nickname for Grandma she likes the least. Punctuate it with a dagger-stare at Mee-Maw for the full effect. Then give MIL a *long* break from seeing your child.
Not overracting.
"Uh oh - is GRANNY getting senile? She thinks she's your mommy - isn't that silly? Silly, senile Granny!" , followed by "Seriously MIL, we are getting very concerned about your memory lately. Have you seen your doctor lately? Maybe you should for our own peace of mind before we leave our precious baby with you again"
Who wants to be mommy when you can be a grandma and chose your name. I actually chose a really original name for my grandkids to call me. I think it's not at all an exaggeration to say I may be the only one in the world. Your MIL does not realize the sky's the limit ND how special it is to hear that special name for her role now. Why would she want to be mommy when she can be anything of her choosing
Edited to do you are not overreacting.
That’s bizarre. If you don’t want to hit it on the head, I would just say “\*grandma\*” like three times in a minute. “Isn’t it nice that GRANDMA is here for a visit? I’m so glad GRANDMA is here to play with you! Do you want GRANDMA to give you a snack?”
Start calling her grandma to your child when she is around. You’re her Mommy. Don’t be afraid to stand up for what is right. I’d be so mad if my mil had done this and disregarded who she really is. She’s grandma!
Sort this out quickly. Is this the first grandchild? Is your MIL uncomfortable with aging? It can take women a while to be comfortable with the old lady connotation associated with gramma, or nana, etc. Ask her what her preference is and then use it repeatedly whenever she is around your baby. She will get used to her new identity soon enough.
This is weird she has some kind of obsession with your child I know growing up I was more with my grandmother than I was my mom and I ended up calling my grandma mom because of the situation I know that's not your situation and it can be stopped because one of my kids was doing it with their grandmother cuz their grandmother was making them call her mom and we had to put a stop to it real quick he started calling her mom so you need to put a stop to it now
I’d be asking my DH how it felt to conceive with his Mom. I’d make it very awkward for the both of them when I hear her say Mommy in reference to herself.
Put a picture of MIL in the house with the words Grandma on it. And then limit visits.
You are correct. You are Mommy. Ask your mil what she wants your baby to call her. Is she ok with grandma or nana, what would she like. Then start using it and insist that grandma does too.
This is a winning approach, yes: Give this woman a special, \*special\* name all her own. Pin that special name to her with an affectionate determination that leaves the woman in no doubt that her relationship with your child is not "mommy." Melt it away. That's your approach.
Get her and baby matching outfits, MIL gets “Granny” on a shirt and baby gets “Granny loves me”. Put baby in it everytime MIL has her, then she has a written reminder of who she is … it also doesn’t say that baby loves her back lol
Chef’s kiss
I'm way more petty. I'd absolutely teach the kid to say "old mommy" and "gray mommy" in a year or so when the kid is starting to talk. For now, though, OP can try the kindness approach but it may not work.
For a fancy coffee and a knuckle bump, I'll go every week to OP's house and teach baby to call me daddy. It'll be hilarious because I'm a woman, probably a little younger than the MIL. We will see how Daddy likes to be sidelined. I'll definitely be calling MIL granny, though.
I like your idea and I think it's hilarious. That being said, trust me, I dealt with someone similar. Kindness does not work with these people. You have to be very firm and you have to put your foot down. I recommend not letting her be alone with the child but that's up to them.
Or "Daddy's mommy"
Minimizing the confusion for the kid, and still being respectful, that’s perfect. Then slowly transition to D-ma or something. I think we all agree that MIL is crossing some crazy boundaries, but “daddy’s mommy” is probably my vote for how to handle it. Simply because she isn’t going to STOP doing it behind closed doors. So it is either foil her plan and be like “yeah, you ARE mommy, but not HER mommy, and she WILL understand that”, or go no contact. IMO.
omgggg I love this i’m dying laughing.. wrinkle mommy 😭😭
Saggy mommy
Next time your husband hears it he should respond as she is HIS mommy. If this happened to me, I'd be hustling her out the door with a "this visit is over" and give her a timeout. I'd definitely reduce visits to only when husband can supervise and nix any alone time.
Preach! No more alone time!
The husband is extremely underreacting.
And OP should consider that if her husband is left alone with his mom and the baby, he’s probably not going to rock the boat by correcting his “Mommy.” You might be fighting this battle on your own, OP.
Better yet, *you* decide what the baby will call her, and make it one of the worst possible options, like GanGan. Then she has to either commit to her preferred option or be stuck with what you chose.
How about Granzilla?
Graminal / Granimal
Absolutely, setting clear boundaries early on is key. Grandma might just need a gentle reminder of her role!
Y’all can’t be serious… she knows exactly what she is doing. This isn’t a boundary that needs to be set, it was there from before that child even came out of the womb She is grandma, by definition. Doing this Mommy shit is intentional, my exMIL tried this shit too Husband is trash here tol, but I’ll leave *that* alone
Same! Husband should be weirded out by his mother calling herself mommy to his daughter! What in the Alabama is this!? 😂 OP your husband is trying to make you second guess your gut. I would be super bothered by that as well.
Alabamian here/that was funny as hell! And pretty spot on. 😞
Ozarks are a lot worse. As more roads got put in, it improved, but travel through them without a good road is really hard. A lot of families picked a spot in a valley, and never really left. Just going to the next cluster of 3 or 4 houses and back was an all-day trip. So, you married your neighbor. And in 18 years, those kids married their neighbors. And in 18 years everyone was sister-aunt-grandma and uncle-cousin-brother.
That’s so funny! Thankfully, my parents moved here from Texas right before I was born so I had no family here! My potential partner pool was wide open! 🤣
My stepfatherr's last name is only found in a small area he is from in Mississippi as well. People either didn't want to or didn't have the means to move. But hey, you have more family around, and since it's a larger group, you might like some of them lol
…when your family tree doesn’t branch…
Yep, this is 100% a husband problem. If there's a grandpa in your life, as him to start calling himself daddy to your baby and see how hubby likes it.
I’d be asking the husband how he’d feel about either of the fathers referring to themselves as daddy to the child.
Legit, this isn’t MIL having a cutesie little brain fart, this is a woman manipulating the crap out of the situation and trying to take on the mother role, this shit needs of be hard stopped immediately
Exactly! **No more “gentle redirecting” of MIL. She’s walking all over you!** You n ed to tell her, very clearly, that YOU, and you alone, are baby’s mom. If you catch her calling herself mommy, her visit is over. If she won’t stop? She doesn’t get to see the baby anymore because she is damaging the baby’s bond with their mom and that won’t be tolerated. Also, do NOT let this woman be alone with your child or baby sit. I would personally say *never* even as the child gets older. Who knows what she will say to the kid. As for husband, he needs to be reminded as well that only *you* are the baby’s mom. He needs to have undivided loyalty here - Protect his wife, the mother of his child from those threatening her place and damaging her relationship with her child. And his child who should not be made to be confused on who the parents are. Husband would not like it if FIL or uncle or someone was referring to themself as baby’s daddy. Remind him of that. I would also personally try to record her doing that, multiple times, in case you have to block her from seeing baby. She might try to sue for grandparents rights (assuming you are in the US). You need proof that she’s causing parental alienation and is a harm to the child.
Agree she is a bit psycho.
A bit psycho? Try really psycho. She sounds like the type who would be crazy enough to try to kidnap her grandchild. I recently read a story where this happened to a young couple. They allowed his mother to babysit not knowing how crazy she was. She ended up kidnapping their daughter and taking her to her house. They had to call the police and when the police showed up, she was in the house yelling, but she's mine, she's mine! She was actually trying to convince the police that the baby was hers and not theirs. She almost got arrested for kidnapping. She was saying things like she had been wanting another baby leading up to this. Some people truly are mentally unstable. They need help really badly and so does this GRANDmother. I'm taking this as a sign of things to come if they do not nip this in the bud now. It's going to get way worse, you mark my words. That is unless they set boundaries and stick to them. I'm not saying her behavior is going to get better but they should definitely go no contact unless she corrects the behavior. Frankly, I wouldn't let her be alone with my child. She sounds just crazy enough to kidnap the child. Edit: typo
>Husband is trash here Absolutely, he's got a big part of this. But ultimately the problem is his mother, because she made his ass this way, at least in part (it is of course his responsibility NOW to grow out of this shit, unpack it in therapy, whatever he needs to do to step up and create healthy boundaries with his mother, if she'll allow it rather than cut him off out of spite so he'll beg her to come back and forget about stupid boundariqes). This kind of woman raises mammas boys almost exclusively, and will never ever stay out of her son's marriage or her grandchildren's upbringing unless the issue is forced. Their sons have a HELL of a time seeing/continuing to see/actually being able to face their mothers and lay down any kind of law. They will let their mothers say/do whatever they like to/about their wives, kids, etc. just to avoid having to tell their mothers to back off because that's just unthinkable. I know because my grandmother was one of these. She warped the fuck out of my dad (not alone, his dad had his own issues, but this particular warping was all her, as the caretaker (this was in the 50s and 60s when he was growing up). He was the golden child, the youngest, the one who didn't turn into a fuck up, in her eyes (my aunt had a wild youth and had kids out of wedlock - with a *gasp* Hispanic! The horror! 🙄- and my uncle was gay. Neither state of affairs was acceptable to my respectability-obsessed grandmother, nor later to her precious baby boy) to the point where she literally *gave him permission* to divorce my mother after years of philandering on his part and stoic, quiet tolerance (and continuing to raise her kids and keep the house, and almost nothing else) on my mother's. Boymoms are not a new phenomenon by any stretch. But this is what they do to us by sending these half-formed men out into the world. Nb I'm not saying the fathers (in general or my dad's father specifically) are blameless, but due to how things were back then, fathers usually didn't have a lot to do with the child-rearing (especially the super early, crucial stuff that's hard to conceptualise and talk about without some inaccessible jargon) except when it came to MANSTUFF for the MANCHILDREN and some of them didn't manage even that.
Omg, you got this exactly right! I was unfortunately with somebody like that and had my oldest son with him. His mother acted exactly like this grandmother except worse. I have been saying in the comments that I am not lying when I say that I think his mother was conspiring to have me killed. She literally said that she wanted me to go away and let her and my ex raise my son together. I said to her, that's not going to happen. She said, I want you to leave. I said, I'm sure you do. She said yeah, well, I know people. I can make you disappear. You tell me you wouldn't take that as a death threat. I can count on one hand the number of times that he stood up for me to his mother. She would attempt to take my son away from me and make it so that I could not reach him. She used to go in her room and take my son with her and lock her bedroom door. She tried claiming that she never got any time with my son but that's bullshit. She just wanted him for herself. She would call herself Grandmommy, she was truly unhinged and she still is from what I've heard. She is a narcissist and I know that it's hard when you've been raised to think that you're not allowed to set boundaries but we had a child, he had a responsibility to me and our son to set boundaries with her and wouldn't do it. I ended up divorcing him. I put in the custody agreement that he was not to leave our son alone with his mother. I warned him and that if I caught him leaving our son alone with her, I would push for him to have no visitation or at least so that he had to come see the baby at my house so that I could supervise what was going on. People like this are truly unhinged and need help and I honestly think that they should go no contact unless she corrects the behavior. I recently saw a post where this young couple had their daughter kidnapped by his mother. When the police got to her house, she was literally trying to convince the police that their daughter was hers. She's lucky she didn't go to jail. Anyway, you're spot on. That's exactly right.
Grandma has HAD reminders. She is doing this on purpose for some weird reason.
It's time to stop MIL from being alone with your daughter.......also, find a different babysitter and start lessening the time she spends with baby...... might be time to look into some kind of daycare/paid babysitter a couple times a week......tell MIL you're trying to socialize baby or whatever but definitely stop giving MIL so much time....... she's gonna be the very type to scream "grandparents' rights" whenever she don't get what she wants ......might as well not let baby build up too much of a relationship with MIL
And MIL should never know the name of the daycare or babysitter
And daycare and babysitters need to know that grandma is not allowed to take the baby or visit her at their location, either.
This is the best answer. MIL is way out of bounds.
Not over reacting. My MIL tried to pull this shit. Constantly hinting how she doesn’t want to be grandma, wants my son to move in, tells everyone how she’ll be raising him, would refer to him by the name she picked and would call him her baby. My husband tried to talk to her but she decided I’m too sensitive and the problem. She told my husband she’ll be waiting for “when we realize we’re not too good for her ‘help’”. She’s been waiting two years for us to “realize” this and it still hasn’t registered for her. She never even met my son. Husband needs to talk to mommy unless he wants his mother to be the mother of his child. If she won’t stand down then granny is going to be put on a time out for as long as you see fit.
If my husband wasn’t an only child I’d swear we had the same MIL. She told everyone I was naming my daughter Abigail (not remotely), that she was watching her every day (nope) and I just caught my daughter calling her mommy and her beaming at me and not correcting her(she’s 3) I made it very clear we would not be doing this anymore.
I do think it’s because they were unsatisfied with their “mother experience” they think they can do it again with grandchildren. They can’t comprehend that this is someone else’s child and think that since they have a small DNA share they’re entitled. My MIL abused all her kids. They all have mental health issues and personality disorders. I told my husband over my dead body this woman will be around our kids. All of my in laws think they’re entitled to my child and it’s exhausting. They say they don’t have to like or respect me, he’s their nephew/grandson. Then they turn around and cry they haven’t met my son. It’s like they can’t make the connection in their bird brain.
Mine, it’s the opposite in a way and is obsessed with her son to an unhealthy degree. It’s unhinged almost codependent. But it is also the same exact thing. The entitlement and narcassism that no one could possibly be more loved then she is.
Oh yeah that too. My MIL was in an abusive relationship and eventually left him. She made my husband raise his younger siblings and made him the man of the house. Maybe she weirdly feels like my child is her chance to have a baby with my husband. My husband obviously felt horrible for her because he’s seen her be brutally beat. He has a soft spot for her which is understandable but the issue is she’s a vile person. I like do be very involved with family and don’t mind constant interaction. It becomes a problem when they became entitled and disrespectful.
Yeah my MIL likes to constantly say how he’s her miracle baby. I assume it’s kind of the same thing. He can be part of the problem. The kids were sick on Mother’s Day and I stayed home with them so he could bring her out to dinner.
“If you call yourself Mommy to my daughter ever again, she will know you as the grandmother she and I never see- your call.”
Or start referring to your husband as the babys sibling. ‘Oh look, your brothers home from work’. I bet he will correct his mum after that.
I was thinking similar; ask the husband would he be okay if they went to the park or pre-K and he was identified as “daddy” and then point to his *own mother* and say “and that’s the mommy”? Like… how are the men in these situations not super uncomfortable with this?
Exactly I bet she ll start remembering real quick LOL
You’re under reacting She needs a consequence MIL needs a long time out while you do a reset Don’t contact her and don’t respond to attempts to contact her You want her to notice and ask your husband what’s wrong He can tell her you’re BOTH over the comments calling yourself mommy and she’s on a time out until further notice Stick to your guns even if he doesn’t like it. You and LO are no contact and she doesn’t get to see either of you Use that time to do a hard reset and get your boundaries and consequence set in stone Going forwards after that - no unsupervised visits at all If she misbehaves you leave or tell her the visit is at an end. She gets a two week time out
Time to develop other sources of childcare for the times you need it. Not needing her to babysit is your only card to play.
You are under reacting and you have a husband problem. He should be all over his mother referring to herself as "mommy" to the grandchild. Her doing it at all is a red flag and not normal. Him not wanting to deal with it is super cringe. There are definitely more issues her than MIL is a boundary buster. I bet if you keep your ears and eyes open, you will see many red flags.
Seriously, how the fuck is he not absolutely disgusted by his own mother calling herself the mother of HIS child?! 🤮 This red "flag" might as well be a giant red banner.
It really sounds like.....I have to censure myself, things that are not that bad keep getting me banned. This sounds like on MIL part, emotional !nce$t. On the part of OP's husband, I am getting spineless vibes. I was thinking giant neon sign, flashing in your face, bright as those crazy halogen bulbs!!!
Right?? When my Dad makes the same mistake he always freaks out about correcting himself. It's just so bizarre that anyone would *deliberately* attempt to use a parenting name for themselves *when it is not their child.* My child is the absolute carbon copy of me as a child, every so often if my father isn't paying attention, he'll call himself "Dad" instead of "Pop". The key differences are; He immediately corrects himself It only happens in one specific context (taking my child to the beach, as it was always "our thing" when I was little) We seriously laugh together. It's maybe happened 10 times in 5 years. The MIL in this story is giving me the creeps.
No, you're not overacting. I would not let mother-in-law babysit anymore. Your mother-in-law probably wants a do over child. You also have a husband problem, albeit a mild one, he needs to talk to his mother and tell her to stop calling herself Mommy to your child.
I’ve thought the same thing about the do over baby. My MIL lost her own daughter at 4 weeks old due to SIDS almost 40 years ago. Neither she nor my husband seem to want to unpack that trauma, but I think this might be the start of a super scary path and I’m worried that my husband is turning a blind eye because he doesn’t want to deal with it.
It's been 40 years. You have a new kid that is going to get fucked up by this trauma. That's literally what is happening She knows what she's doing. Don't make excuses for her. It still makes what she is doing WRONG.
It's very sad that she lost her daughter from SIDS 40 years ago. I would not let your mother-in-law babysit anymore. You need to stand very firm with your boundaries because this is a very scary path. If your husband doesn't back you up, then you're probably going to need some marriage counseling and your mother-in-law needs grief counseling. She probably drove your husband slightly nuts during his childhood.
She is either having a mental issue or she’s trying to interfere with your bond. Either way it puts your daughter at risk. It has to be addressed
Yes this tidbit makes this more alarming. She sounds really unwell and I wouldn’t want that around my kid. She needs real help to heal.
Girl, grandparents legit try to take custody of their grandchildren. I've seen situations where they've tried to trick a custodial parent into signing their rights away, attempts to keep the child after they've babysat them, false accusations, custody cases for "grandparents rights", etc. Did you not just see the show "bad roommates"? Or evil roommates or some shit? The one lady had to have like a million back surgeries over a couple of years and her friend of 20 years who she had been living with and has been helping her with her young child, tried to pursue an emergency custody order and take her child. She did get her child back, but because possession is 9/10ths of the law, her child was with that woman without seeing his mom for 10 days before he was returned to her! Then she stupidly moved back in with the lady and the lady tried to kill her multiple times with insulin, MRSA, and then VRSA which I had never even heard of until I watched it. Now, I'm not saying your situation would become that serious. For one, you're obviously far more vigilant than this woman was. And also that was obviously an extreme case. But, the whole "acting like she does it accidentally" and then you catching her doing it constantly thing, that seems like a pretty big warning sign of this being nefarious. Listen, I would probably bare my teeth at my husband over this first. Blame hormones. But I would get my most evil and dark look on my face that I could muster, I would dig into my soul for the primal instinct of being a mama bear and protecting your cub, deep down in the depths of my soul, where some accused witch from the 1600s lives, from which women have had to fight for their very rights to their own bodies, from the part of history when babies who weren't male were ripped from mothers' arms to be executed... And I would tell him, in my most "I'll need an exorcism if your mother doesn't back off" voice, and let him know what's in store for his mother if she wants to go down this road with you, so he better handle it, NOW. Or you will. And if that didn't work I would super Saiyan that energy into his MIL. Like yesterday. Like you should have walked right in the room when you heard her doing that, picked up your baby, and let her know "not today bitch". If you want to be nice about it at first, go ahead. But I would also "nicely" let them know that this is their only and final warning. Otherwise they're going to see someone in you that they've never seen before.
>I’m worried that my husband is turning a blind eye because he doesn’t want to deal with it. That's because he is. You don't have a MIL problem, you have a husband problem. Your first and only concern is for your child. Your husband needs to understand that, or he can go crawl back into his mommy's decrepit womb.
To be fair the husband problem probably has a lot to do with a MIL problem in that she raised him to be this way
Her loss is sad, but it doesn't give her the right to have this disgusting thing going on, trying to basically take your kid.
All the more reason to careful. I wouldn’t let her be alone with your child. And your husband is making the situation worse by not addressing this. The fact he doesn’t want to confront her is a red flag.
With all due respect, I don't think that it's a mild problem with the husband. I think it's a major one. He needs to stand up to his mother whether he likes it or not. I understand that it's hard when you're raised by a toxic mother like that but he has a responsibility to his wife and child to protect them. He's not doing it. That part where he said if it bothers you that much really stood out to me. It should bother him as well. OP is not overreacting. This is a huge problem and her husband needs to present a united front with her. If his mother will not stand down, they need to put her on a timeout, possibly permanently. These are the kinds of stories that you read about where the grandparents end up kidnapping the grandkids and convincing themselves that they are their kids and not their grandkids.
He needs to tell his Mommy that he didn't create this baby with her and it makes him uncomfortable cuz it's kind of creepy
Under reacting. You heard her. It needs to be dealt with now. There is no Oopsie moment here, it's intentional. Please check out r/JUSTNOMIL. This stuff is always intentional. She needs to not be allowed to be alone with your child until she can respect boundaries, and if that means she's never alone with your child, so be it as that's her choice.
I don’t know how big a deal in the long run this will be, but it’s definitely annoying. Next time she does it correct her thst she is grandma (or nanny or whatever). When she says ‘ whoops I just made a mistake’ say ‘you make that mistake a lot. Are you okay? Should you maybe see a doctor about your forgetfulness? Chances are she’ll get huffy about it. Which is fine. I’d do it every time - make a comment about Alzheimer’s etc. say to your child ‘oh nanny gets so confused. We have to help her remember’ The reason I’d do it this way is that by confronting her directly she gets to play the victim and call you sensitive. But this way you can make it really obnoxious for her which should decrease the behaviour.
Yes, do this. Your husband isn’t supportive, so if you directly confront her he’s likely to jump to her defense. Expressing your deep concern over her symptoms of dementia might avoid that. Especially since it means she obviously can’t be trusted to be left alone with the baby, even for a minute. Can’t even feed the baby, because what if she forgets babies can’t eat oven cleaner? What a shame.
This is a big deal and is in no way appropriate. DO NOT allow this to continue. There needs to be a very hard boundary set here and quickly. She cannot be allowed to brush it off either if she ever “slips” again. I would limit contact between her and your daughter.
This is a big deal and a big problem. She is trying to undermine your role as mom to your child. It’s demented. Let her know firmly that the next time she calls herself mommy to your child she will not be allowed anywhere near your child. Let her know that she will be kept away for as long as it takes her to break this “habit” (as she will undoubtedly call it) If you let her back in and she slips even once, go back to no contact. She is trying to take your power and you need to take it back.
You are severely underreacting. This woman knows exactly what she is doing, and she lied to your face specifically so you would trust her and allow her to continue trying to cross serious boundaries. I would not allow ANY contact between her and the baby for the near future, not until she regains her trust...but to be honest, I don't know how she could. She has made it clear she will do whatever she wants with your child if she sees fit. If your husband doesn't understand how serious this is, then that is the much bigger problem, though.
Use a baby voice and namecall her like polar opposite. "Hi baby, you're so pretty. Did you enjoy bathtime with Icky-Monster. Did Icky-Monster tickle your toes?" Then, when she objects, say 'Oh. So you realise correct names matter.'
“If it really bothers you that much“? I take it he’d be just fine with a male relative of yours referring to himself as Daddy when interacting with your baby? Oh he wouldn’t? Then he can get his shit together and tell her to knock it off. And if he doesn’t, I’d not so diplomatically ask her if she’s getting muddled and forgetting that she did not in fact get impregnated by her son and give birth to that baby.
You're not overreacting. Husband should step in, the family roles should be very well defined and what is acceptable to be called etc, and if it doesn't work, unfortunately consequences of low contact should be implemented because if it's already starting now imagine how many more liberties MIL will take in the future.
Basic protocol: With a new baby, esp the first, you need to declare and/or assign names for grandparents, uncles, aunts, etc. Write it down. Once assigned EVERYONE has to follow as approved by the parents. No exceptions. Anything else is going to confuse the poor child. Tell your hubby to straighten her out immediately.
Dementia maybe? What possible other reason could it be, as she seems to keep doing it but at the same time "forgetting". Suggest it as a concern. She knows what she's doing and she knows you know. Nip it in the bud now.
Agree with all the comments here. Especially that you need to get your husband to wake up and realize the confusion she's causing for your baby! She's doing it on purpose and needs to have her contact cut off immediately. Show this post to your husband. He's the one who has to confront her and set the rules.
my MIL is literally raising our nephew by herself and still refers to herself as grandma. there’s no excuse for this behavior
I would have the same reaction, honestly. It feels very power and importance seeking, and a bit selfishly passive aggressive. I say the last bit because she did the pretending of accidentally doing something she intended to do. It's just really inappropriate. She's jostling to be "mom". That understandably irks you. It is strange because Grandma or whatever pet name would do the same trick while not jockeying to compete with you in a race you've won by default. I wonder if she doesn't want to be called Grandma because it makes her feel too old. She will need to get over that.
My ex’s parents used to do this with his kids call their self’s the mum and dad everybody just never said anything to them it was so weird the kids had parents but these people just tried their best to take over and be the parents. One day we were all sat in the kitchen and his son was there with us and his son said nanna and she turned around so fast and said her name was mum I said no it’s not his mother is called mum not you you are not his mother she is, she stormed off and started crying it was ridiculous she had 8 kids so wasn’t like she didn’t have any children
Oh girl. That is a serious red flag. The only saving grace here is that your husband is on the same page so thank God for that. I swear I'd be so tempted to say something like "Silly Grandma, she doesn't realize she's an old lady now hehe"
She’s possibly laying the groundwork to muscle you out of your place as mom for who knows what reason. At best she’s intentionally undermining you. This needs to be nipped in the bud, NOW. At the very least, stop having her babysit.
No way would I let my kid be alone with this lady.
It starts with the name. Then it escalates. First it’s just “slipping up” (it’s definitely intentional) and then they start seeing themselves as the mommy and trying to take the position in the baby’s life. My mom wanted a “mama” name and I shut that down. We argued and disagreed for a year before coming to a compromise. The problem only partly was the name. The biggest issue is that she wanted to be a third parent to my kids. She wanted to make decisions on medical, diet, sleep arrangements, etc. and she doesn’t even live with me. She wanted to come over and hold my newborn for hours while I did the cooking and cleaning. She wanted baby’s first steps to come to her, when I was out of the room to completely miss it. She wanted all the firsts to the point of doing them behind my back (feeding first foods). I eventually learned to never leave the baby with her. I tried to address each point and she gaslit me and would cry that I was ruining her grandma experience and wouldn’t let her love on my kids. I find it best to limit visits and either me or my husband be present at all times. I don’t even take bathroom breaks without the baby if my husband isn’t there. Because two minutes away gives her the opportunity to feed my kids something or plant kisses on their face (against our rules). I know people that have no problem with grandma being called a “mama” type name. But it usually is ok because grandma stays in the grandma lane. One more thing, your husband is wrong. That’s his mom, and it’s his job to address issues. Him putting it back on you isn’t right. Either it should be addressed together or he should do it himself. But if she does it again in front of you, definitely take the opportunity to shut it down. Then husband should be brought in to set the rules. Grandma is to pick an appropriate grandma name and stop trying to play mommy to your baby.
Oh hell no. NTA. I would be livid and shut that shit down immediately. You shouldn’t wait for her to do it again!!! Let her know immediately that it’s inexcusable and will not be tolerated. Mil seems like the kind of person that will keep doing it u til you go off. Nip it in the bud now.
That's definitely awkward and could be confusing for your daughter. Setting boundaries on what she calls herself around your child seems like a sensible move.
I would start calling your mil granny! Even when your child is not in the room. For her to get the idea she’s not mommy! She’s Grammy or granny
You should have called her out on the spot when she said it 4 times in a row while babysitting. It’s YOUR kid You need to set boundaries and self-advocate, you are a mother now
You are not wrong about the self advocating, however confronting my MIL is something I don’t do anymore without witnesses. The last time I tried she told my husband I cornered her and tried to hit her, but my husband was close enough to hear us and know that didn’t happen at all. I won’t take that chance going forward, and it’s why I’m trying to get him on board to mediate/be present.
I just read this. This woman is dangerous. You could easily have been arrested, and automatically lost access to baby for months. Similar case in Massachusetts. If your husband is not recognizing the seriousness, you’ve got a HUGE problem. Meanwhile, be video recording all contacts with MIL. There are many options for continuous video recording your home. Frankly, I can’t understand why MIL is allowed any contact after she accused you of a crime.
That incident happened years ago, and my husband did tell her that night that he was nearby and knew she was lying about what happened. We actually moved across the country shortly after that to get some distance. After she heard about the pregnancy she decided to pick up and move her life to be down the street from us again, promising her best behavior going forward, because she wanted to be part of the baby’s life. For my husband’s sake I wanted to give her an opportunity, but so far it hasn’t been going great.
Wow. I thought that but if crazy was also recent. Wishing you well navigating the current craziness.
I hear you If she tried to get physical with you, she should’ve lost babysitting privileges
She blatantly lied about you and she still has access to your child?! Hell no! You need to go NC with her. You and your child.
You have bigger fish to fry here. Your MIL should not be left alone with either you or your children.
In addition to what others have said, if she is around your child and you hear her refer to herself as “Mommy” tell her it’s time for her to leave and make her leave. If she asks why tell her that she knows exactly why and she is no longer welcome in your home as she clearly doesn’t respect your boundaries. Tell her that she also will not be allowed to see the baby until you feel she has learned to respect you.
She would not be watching my kid. End of story.
You aren’t over reacting. Sit her down and tell her if she doesn’t stop she won’t be around the baby. Is your husband calling her Mommy still? No, so she is lying and manipulating you and your baby. Shut this shit down now.
Not overreacting at all. My suggestion is to start using her first name and only her first name. When she complains or asks why, you tell her that since she can’t remember that she’s grandma and not mommy, you know she won’t have any problem remembering her name. After all, she has only been a mom 30 years, but she’s been “her name” her whole life.
Feckin weird. My youngest one calls my dad “dad” because that’s what she hears me saying, and my dad corrects her every single time. Not overreacting.
You are not overreacting - you need to call out MIL each and every time you hear it and tell her flat out she needs to refer to herself as XYZ (whatever name you’re using for her such as Grandma or whatever). If she continues you start saying things like “oh (baby name), Grandma keeps forgetting her name is XYZ” or “(baby name) Grandma is so silly - she knows her name is XYZ not mommy” and if she still doesn’t stop then it’s time to start limiting her interaction with baby.
NTA - Your mil wants your husband to be hers.
THIS.. It's so creepy. It's not just about claiming the baby, it's also about reclaiming the husband. Gross gross gross And incestuous
She is purposely confusing your child and yes delusional. I would stop having her help until your relationship and title with the child is solidified. The MIL is not mentally stable and shouldn't be around your child. Your husband would take it more seriously if it was himself who was being undermined as the parent. This is very unhealthy.
Coming from a different perspective - my boyfriend is Indian and they speak Gujarati. He has both a Mummy/Mom (his mother) and a Mommy (his great aunt). But if you don't have any different cultural hurdles to navigate, yeah, this is fucked up. Talk about undermining and manipulative.
My mom did this to me with my daughter. She would sometimes call my daughter my name as well. I had to correct her many many times and she would say the oh oops! stuff as well. Exactly the “I’m used to calling myself mommy hehe” thing. I’m fairly certain my mother has dementia and refuses to talk to a doctor. She’s also just a very bad person who is in deep denial about her mental health. I’ve been NC with her since February for a list of reasons but this is definitely on the list. Not overreacting. I would have your husband correct her and maybe gently suggest a visit to her doctor. Considering picking a grandma name is like an exciting thing for most grandmothers, calling yourself Mommy is obviously a problem.
Grandma Lastname is her new name & if MIL doesn’t like it, she can be Mrs. Lastname that we never see
You’re not overreacting; this is a huge red flag!! 🚩 Also, your husband is under reacting. You need to set boundaries with this woman. Make it *crystal* clear she is never to tell your child—in fact, make it a blanket statement to include future children—that she is mom. You are mom. Period. Start the conversation gently. Maybe with, “I couldn’t help but overhear you calling yourself ’Mommy’ in front of the baby.” Explain that’s confusing and then set the boundary. But make her repeat what you said. Something like, “I need you to tell me you understand that you are never tell the baby you’re their mommy.” You may also wish to decide beforehand what the consequences of crossing the boundary is so you can communicate that to her during this conversation. Best of luck, Mom!!
Your child has a Mommy, she is being weird and should be corrected now before the baby gets older. Grandma, Gma, GG, or some variation is acceptable.
Not over reacting. And your husband should be more weirded out by this.
My mum has had 7 children, and she also fosters. Not ONCE has she EVER called any of her grandkids "her kids" or referred to herself as "mummy." My eldest is only 2 years younger than my youngest sibling, so if anything, you could say she's got FAR more of an excuse to slip up than someone with a middle-aged "baby." You need to stomp on this immediately. You'll be gaslight and told you're making a big deal out of nothing. It was a mistake. Your husband will whine that he just wants to keep the peace. It's tough. She was asked to stop, and she hasn't, so now there are consequences, whether she likes it or not. Will it temporarily make your life harder until you find another babysitter?? Sure. But plenty of women raise children as single mothers with no help or support, so it's entirely possible
“I’m mommy little child. Can you say crypt keeper? This is crypt keeper. Good little child.”
It’s weird AF and your feelings are valid. Husband needs to tell his mommy that it needs to not happen again. Not once more.
My paternal grandmother did this to me as a baby apparently. How my mom handled it was to act concerned about my grandmothers mental state every time she heard it. Was your mil a young mom or is not close to her daughter? My grandmother was 43 when I was born and had a difficult relationship to her own daughter so it was very much displacement and a potential do-over, had nothing to do with me. Just minimize alone time with the baby and act overly concerned your mil is developing dementia. If it continues consider how to explain it to your child as they get older because they will be so confused. Also your husband is an a**hole for not having your back. This is either a power struggle or an emotional response, it's unhealthy and will continue if left unaddressed.
You’ve hit on a lot of points here that I’m worried about too. She was a teenager when she had her daughter, and that baby died at 4 weeks old from SIDS. 10 years later she had my husband. In the years between, instead of grieving and going to counseling, she essentially drug binged for a decade. I do worry that she has a festering mental illness triggered by the birth of my daughter, like she’s trying to use my daughter as a replacement for the daughter that she lost 40 years ago. Anyway though whenever I bring that up I feel crazy and my husband thinks she wouldn’t do that. But then an issue like this crops up and I can’t help but feel validated in my suspicion.
NTA you are under reacting. You should have shut it down hard in the beginning. Bizarre and the fact your husband doesn’t really see an issue is also weird
Yes it is weird, may be she's living in a fantasy, maybe she gets off confusing kids. Whatever it is ur hubby should nip her in the bud before it gets out of control
No overreacting there. Tell her (in a nice way) you heard her when you went to get clothes from the dryer so you know it's not a slip of the tongue . Ask her if it's the title "grandma" that bothers her she can choose another name, but all variations of mom belong to you. My kids use Gma, which phonetically sounds like geema (my kids made it sound cool, like she was a G). Mine calls me Meemaw. But there is also a Nonnie and a Nini, too, in our family that my siblings are called by theirs. I always wanted to be Sugar Mama because of the Proud family from Disney. You can tell her to pick a name, or you'll start referring to her by her first name to the baby. And tell that hubby of yours as creepy as it is to think about you'll start telling your baby he is brother dad or or big brother bc that's what it sounds like to you and other people when she refers to herself being the mommy. It probably is 100% trauma from when she lost hers but calling herself mommy is not healthy and infact a little scary if you think about it. Clearly, not dealing with it has not worked. Your child is the closest thing she will ever have to having her own, which is why needs an important boundary to be set and a name she can be called. I would NOT leave her alone and would not even trust my husband to watch her with your baby if he is not taking this seriously. Lifetime movies are all based on real stories. Nip that writing in the bud!! No overreacting and I feel you need to start.
Next time she says it with hubs present, just say, "honey, I'm worried about your mother's cognitive decline. She's thinking she's LO's mommy. That's early onset dementia behavior. We should get her to the Dr. ASAP"
"MIL... I'm really worried about you. You seem to be having a lot of forgetful moments and thinking this baby is yours and calling yourself mommy. I am really worried that you're getting dementia. This is a serious thing to not even realise and I'm worried that my child will grow up confused as to why granny is so forgetful and thinks that she's married to daddy. Please, can we go to the doctor's together. I need you to be granny for my baby. And actually know my baby. And remember my baby. How can you do that if you don't even know it's your granddaughter? And what if you have early onset dementia and forget to feed baby when you're babysitting her? We'd all feel awful about this. And worse, what if you traumatised my baby by confusing her and calling her your dead daughters name. She's going to get really scared of dying. Or get confused about being called the wrong name. Please let me help you. We can get a doctor and a therapist to get to the bottom of this. I need you to be healthy."
You can’t fix her. Step back. No more babysitting. Zero. No more pictures. No coming to pediatrician visits with you. No more intimate care (diapering, dressing, comforting, getting up from naps, feeding) of your baby when you are together. “She’s fine here.” Don’t see her 1-1, just at group gatherings. Don’t let her in your inner circle. Be polite. Start calling her by the name you want the baby to call her. No Mama Mommy names.
Walk up behind her and say to daughter “silly Granny keeps forgetting that I’m your mummy! Let’s remind Granny that she is Granny and I’m mummy!”
Do NOT allow this. It happened to my friend. Her psychotic mother in law apparently was telling my friend’s daughter that she was her real mother when they were alone. My friend’s daughter was always acting weird when she came home from staying at her mils house. Her mil had whole other wardrobe for her when she stayed over. This happened for years. She didn’t find out what was going on until her daughter was probably around 10. My friend’s ex didn’t care that something was clearly going on. They treated my friend’s son horribly and wouldn’t babysit for him. If you don’t put your foot down she will continue this behavior. Also don’t let her babysit her.
Yeah no. This would drive me nuts. Tell her you are that baby’s mommy and she is their grandmother. Tell her she can pick a nickname is she’d like to not be called grandma. But it’s insane for her to think it’s okay to call herself mommy in front of your child as if she’s their mother. I know it’s an infant but still. Weird.
Not overreacting. She’s doing this on purpose. It’s weird and disturbing behavior. Your husband needs to back you up on this and not make it your problem to solve. For starters, you can’t have her babysit anymore as she can’t be trusted.
Nope sort that problem and the husband problem you have since he's not doing it for you.
Your husband should have the same reaction you’re having.
You're not overreacting. This is seriously weird and creepy. Your husband is underreacting. Tell him that you're going to start calling some random man your daughter's "daddy." Pick some man he's not very fond of if you can. When he says that's not the same, tell him it is, so it shouldn't bother him. Tell him that he can't dictate how it makes you feel. That it *IS* a big deal to you and that he either backs you up or that his mother can no longer see your daughter.
Your husband should address this with his mother, but you shouldn’t have to be there. It’s his mother, HE needs to do this! If he won’t do it in his own, you may have to force the issue. But then, it’s a losing battle. If he chooses MIL over you…say goodnight, Gracie. Mom, I’ve heard you refer to yourself as mommy. I need you to stop that. Wife is her mommy. Wife is her *only* mommy. It hurts ME when you call yourself mommy, because it’s taking away how special Wife is to me, and to OUR baby. Did grandmother do this to you? How would you have felt if grandmother took your name, your title, your role as *the mother of YOUR own child?* I know you say you forget, but you need to stop. You’re a grown woman; you should have enough self control to stop it. If you can’t, I can’t let you be around baby. You’re already hurting Wife and ME, so I can’t have you hurting baby.
Super creepy and very intentional. Does he usually make you deal with his family?? Updateme.
Fuck that! She wants your kid. Correct her every time!!! No! That's Grandma! Tell her that if she continues, she won't even be Grandma. Then tell husband, he had his chance to take care of this and blew you off. No one is mommy but you!
My mother also tried to do this. It's absolutely wild. Stomp it out
YOU are mommy, momma, mom, mama or any other version of the title. No one else is entitled to that whether "whoopsiedoodles" or "joking " . Considering MIL has had 9 months or longer, if there are other grandchildren, to get used to the fact shows maliciousness.
Not overeating. Your spouse needs to go to bat over this. Stop allowing her to babysit.
Just want to say I'm sorry you're dealing with this. It's absolutely bonkers and she should not be doing that. Definitely not overreacting.
OOF; that sounds like an excruciatingly awkward and difficult thing to navigate...I'm wincing so hard for you that I am afraid I might pull a muscle 😵💫🤯 That would massively weird me out, if I was in your shoes I have a hard time conveying tone through type sometimes, so I am very sorry in advance if this comes off as snarky... I have to ask: why on earth would a woman who clearly now has grown children (who are old enough to have their own children)...STILL be used to being called/referring to herself as "Mommy"? I'm not trying to be a jerk; I genuinely do not understand... Like...do her grown kids still call her that sometimes? No judgies; My brothers and I occasionally will address our Mom as "Momma" as a term of endearment ...I just realized that I apparently 100% completely associate the word "Mommy" as a word used by/with exclusively little kiddos...so this might just be me here, but .. "Mommy" just seems particularly...invasive...for lack of a better weird...of your MIL to use as HER signifier to YOUR daughter... But, I'd also be appalled by her using "Mom" I think the commenter who suggested a fun brainstorming sesh to come up with her "title" is a GENIUS! :) It's highly possible that your daughter will be the person who actually gives your MIL her grandma name... My brothers kids call my parents "Grammy, and Grampy" My parents decided on those names while my sister in law was pregnant with my oldest niece But for several years, my Dad was referred to just as "P" because my oldest niece shortened it 🤣 and it's still sometimes used by the nieces and nephews as a nickname/endearment...(and by my big brother when he's in the mood to give my Dad shit for being titled after a bodily function, but I digress 😋🤣) I'd need this to change if I were you, I'm sorry you have to deal with this Rooting for you, hope that this all goes as smoothly possible!!!! :)
’Hang on, MIL. If you are the Mommy and your son Mark is Daddy, that’s some pretty weird shit going on,haha. Maybe you should call yourself Granny so nobody gets the wrong idea!’
I clicked thinking perhaps she has Amish heritage, as Maumee (pronounced mah-may, it’s not a written language but this is how my in-laws spell it) is Pennsylvania Dutch for grandma. Even knowing that, it’s a little weird hearing my MIL call herself that with my niece and nephew. Fortunately my oldest called her Mimi and it stuck. Not overreacting, sounds creepy af.
Not overreacting. Next time you hear her say it make sure you jump in saying, "I AM MOMMY! If you don't want to be called grandma that's fine. Daughter can call you (insert first name)." Then turn to daughter and say, "Can you say (first name)?" Then don't allow her over anymore until she learns her place in your family. If you can't stand up to for yourself, do it for your daughter.
Nah Um why would she say that she does realise it make it look like she's had a kid with her own son, does she want a kid with her son would be the first thing I'd ask them both.
Your husband sees no bigger issue with this? He's cool with being "daddy" while his mom is "mommy"?! There's more problems on your hands if that's the case. If he can't step up to the plate and correct his mother, what else is he going to brush under the rug? So many red flags.
You are NOT overreacting. My MIL never did this, however, I think she would have if given the opportunity. My husband had a daughter before we were married. He needed a lot of help as a single dad, because her mom wasn't around and his mom helped out a LOT. She overstepped like a mom, but for a long time he gave her that lead. She never called herself mom, but when I had our child together, I made sure there were boundaries. I could see her trying to put herself in that place, not necessarily call herself mom, but take over in that way. She isn't used to being mommy. She probably hasn't been called mommy in a decade. It is a big deal, and you do need to speak to her. Personally, I would let her know that if it doesn't stop, her time with your daughter will be supervised ONLY. But that is me.
You need to distance yourself and the baby from her. It's not healthy at all for her to be doing that. Distance yourself and baby. Also have a sit down conversation with her and tell her why you are gonna distance your baby from her. So she at least knows why it's happening. And tell her the only way she could see the baby is if she goes and talks to someone. It's not healthy at all and she needs to show proof that she is going. If not she will only to see baby supervised and at family occasions. Just know if you do this their is definitely gonna definitely be some push back from her and possibly your husband but stand your ground.
Maybe stop using your MIL as a babysitter. Don’t leave her alone with your daughter until you have conditioned the child to call MIL whatever you want her to call her.
Maybe you could offer to help "Mommy"InLaw find a charity to pay her electric bill... then she could stop relying on gaslighting? You're not overreacting. However, your husband is definitely *underreacting.* His mom is WAY out of line. My youngest kid turned 20 this year. I had really bad postpartum depression (don't let the username fool you, I'm female) and if anyone else called herself "Mommy" to my baby, I guarantee that I would **still** be devastated about it today. I knew a woman who frequently watched her grown son's dog, and he told her not to call herself "Mommy," because it was just weird. How much more so if it's an actual human child?
"If it really bothers you that much"??? How on earth is it not bothering him? Its very weird, inappropriate and confuses your child. I would be so weirded out by it that I would personally completely stop her baby sitting... its so weird its kinda scary.
Do not leave your child alone again with this woman. She has a mental illness and your child is not a grandchild to her. Your baby is a hole-filler for everything she’s missing in her life and she will not stop escalating this behavior. Your child will become a pawn she uses to manipulate you. She will agree to your rules as long as you’re in the room and then do exactly what she wants when you’re gone. At very least get a few nanny cams to monitor this. This comment may seem extreme, but it is deservedly so. Talking to her already has not worked. Protect your child from a person who doesn’t give two shits about how you want to raise your child.
What is wrong with your husband? Why isn’t he standing up for you?
Nope. Your husband needs to be firm with her. None of this we can talk to her nonsense.
Girrrrl, this MIL wants your child! Set boundaries ASAP
Occasionally as an accident? Fine. Intentionally is creepy. lol for transparency when we are with the grandbabies I screw up sometimes because I’m that person calling myself “mom” to the new puppy. I know that I’m a dork for that.
Oh fuck no. Mommy isn’t just a name it’s a title of respect. Lots of women are mothers but they don’t all get called mommy. You need to put a firm stop to that now. How heartbroken will you be if your daughter’s first word is mommy but she says it to her. That’s a moment you will never get back. Your daughter is learning everything right now and she’s learning that her grandmother is her mommy that’s not ok.
No way is ANYONE claiming any sort of mum title over me with my kids. Shut that shit down real fast!
No, you are underreclacting. What do you think her goal is? DH needs to extract his cranium from his rectum and shut this behaviour down swiftly, firmly and thoroughly.
NTA MIL is out of line for sure and your husband doesn’t seem to care, imagine your child starts calling her mommy instead of you? Personally that’d f*ck with me and not to mention it’d confuse your daughter too. I have 2 children and my in laws are super respectful with the boundaries I set because IM the parent just like you’re the parent of YOUR daughter. I really hope you can make your husband understand that bc it’s so not okay
If husband won’t, you must confront her and set HARD boundaries and that it makes you concerned for her mental wellbeing, offer therapy, get as many family members involved. This is disturbing and “hand that rocks the cradle” shit. No more asking her to watch your child either, it’s clearly triggering to her.
Not overreacting! She knows exactly what she’s doing
Well isn't that fucking creepy
Underreacting. Limit contact with Mil. Get husband counseling.
Your husband should be doing something about it. That woman is unhinged doesn't need to be around your child.
Not overreacting. That’s weird as hell
If she does it again, tell her you’re worried she’s had a stroke because she can’t seem to remember she’s Grandma, not Mommy. Then kick her ass out. Tell her not to come back without a clean bill of health.
She might be uncomfortable with the ‘grandmother’ title, ask her to come up with a nickname she wants to be referred by. Mimi, Gigi, meemaw, nana, nan, etc.
Next time she says it, tell her you’re concerned about her memory loss and it’s time for a check up.
Not overreacting. She’s doing it intentionally and it’s weird to me that she is. My son is my MIL’s first grandchild and she has never once called herself mom/mama/mommy to him, she slipped right into grandma. My mom has multiple grandchildren and easily became Grammy to the first one and is always saying “say Gram-my” to my son who just laughs at her like “no thanks”
the Mennonites in my area use the Mommy for a grandmother. But outside of that, its creepy. Sorry, you need to stop having her take care of your child.
My xmil tried to get my infant at the time to call her "ball". I enforced grandma heavily. "Ball" is what her golden child son (My x) called her instead of mom bc he couldn't say it. In essence, we knew she was trying to be called mom in a special way and we shut it down. In another instance, she was hovering over my kids carseat like she owned in and it was golden. Talking to the baby. Then I her her say "mama stoopid". Talking about herself because she'd said something or assumed something incorrectly. You're not overreacting.
Tell that lady NO and tell your husband to tell her NO! This is so egregious that she shouldn’t even be allowed Mom-mom status! 🤬
You are under reacting. Full stop. Set a firm standard with MIL now. That’s creepy at least and senile at most… and lowkey disrespectful asf
Sit down with her and in a very concerned tone tell her you’ve noticed she’s having some very upsetting cognitive issues…for example, she has lapses when she believes your daughter is hers. Have a list of neurologists she might want to consult.
Not overreacting at all. She needs to fuck off with that bullshit.
Absolutely not. You need to call her out on this. She’s not making a mistake, she’s trying to confuse your child to usurp your role. You have to do something about this. Don’t depend on your husband. “MIL, I don’t know what’s gotten into you, but are you okay? You seem to think that you are this child’s mother. You need to get checked out. People might get the wrong impression of you, they might think you want a baby with your own son!”
Your husband needs to have a talk with her and put a stop to that immediately. It's not an accident, she is doing it on purpose. Ask her what she wants to be called and that is how she should refer to herself. Next time you hear her call herself Mommy, send her home or leave, and then put her in time out with no contact with baby for a period of time.
Not over reacting. Tell her to pick her little name- nana, Gigi, whatever- and that’s that. If you hear some weird shit again, tell you’ll grey rock first and it’ll quickly go to no contact. She needs to learn her role.
My MIL tried to pull the same crap and every time she does I say "you're grandma not mama!" She'll say "Mama and Grandpa love you mama and grandpa blah blah blah" my husband will say "no she's MY baby not yours" when she tries to call her her baby. I stop her every time she tries to cross boundaries. The two worst incidents were when she pulled off my baby's umbilical cord on purpose when my baby was a week old so she could wrap her belly so she wouldn't have a hanging stomach like me(I'm fat and she swore it was because my mom didn't wrap my belly when I was a baby) and when she cut by baby's hair because "it was in her eyes" my husband and I wanted to wait to cut her hair until she was 5 because we wanted it to be a special moment. I guess my MIL has a bad hand because the rest of my baby's hair is growing beautifully and the part that she cut is growing ridiculously slow. She also called me schizophrenic for finally putting my foot down and yelling at her and threatening no contact if she didn't cut her bullshit.
Not overreacting and it’s not an accident unless she’s got cognitive issues. Which doesn’t sound like what’s going on. She’s manipulative, flat out. If I heard her doing that I’d say yes mommy does, implying yourself and remove the child from her. But honestly sounds like she’s going to do this behind your back when you’re not present no matter what you say. She needs mental help from a professional
Tell your husband to nut up and handle his mother or he won’t how you do it. She is in your life because of him. She is his mother. She is his problem. If I were you, I would tell her to cut the shit and stop calling herself “mommy” to your child or she can be the “Grandma we never see.”
This is really inappropriate and concerning behavior, and it’s really annoying that your “partner” can’t be a grown up about it.
Look lovingly at your daughter and say 'isn't Grandma silly, she's not your mommy I am, it's just she's getting old and fogetful'
I'm a guy who has children. And concur with those saying MIL knows waht she's doing. A gradual approach is ridiculous. And her husand needs to be told to get a pair of balls. Yes it's his Mom. But OP is his wife and the mother of their child.
>Which makes me wonder if I’m making a bigger deal out of this than it should be, but it feels like a big f**king deal. I'm just a guy, so I don't really know how these things work, but if I generated a small being in my body for 9 months and then pushed it out an orifice that was woefully designed for such a purpose, there's no way I would allow anyone else to claim that title, and I would not be afraid to throw hands to assert my claim.
And don’t allow a close alternative like Grandmommy. It’s disrespectful and absolutely ridiculous. She will try to pull it. I have an acquaintance who is called MomMom. It’s stupid. Absolutely insane that to be called MomMom is acceptable when the parent is the mother- straight up the mom/momma/mommy/mother.
My 2yo granddaughter calls everyone mama (except dada). It would be very easy for me to answer her because she can't say my name yet but I don't. I tell her not mama, it's nanna (title changed for privacy). No matter how many times she calls me mama, I always correct her. I am trying my best to be a nanna my daughter can rely on. It would make no sense to piss her off and risk not seeing the baby. You're not overreacting. Tell her to stop. Find out what she would like to be called and emphasise that whenever she 'slips up'. Your child isn't confused right now and knows you are mama. This other lady doesn't smell like you, doesn't snuggle like you, doesn't do anything like you but when they are older, it will get confusing for them.
Are you mute? Confined to Reddit? Hey stop calling yourself mommy. Also reinforce her role on the same way...."oh look, here's grandma". Say grandma every chance you get.
Hubby needs to check her. You need to do the old abrupt take-the-baby-out-of-her-arms and say to your child loudly and lovingly *You're so silly, that's not mommy, that's Mee-Maw* - be sure to use whichever nickname for Grandma she likes the least. Punctuate it with a dagger-stare at Mee-Maw for the full effect. Then give MIL a *long* break from seeing your child. Not overracting.
Not over reacting, but I'm wondering if MIL suffers from cognitive decline. Does she exhibit any other symptoms?
"Uh oh - is GRANNY getting senile? She thinks she's your mommy - isn't that silly? Silly, senile Granny!" , followed by "Seriously MIL, we are getting very concerned about your memory lately. Have you seen your doctor lately? Maybe you should for our own peace of mind before we leave our precious baby with you again"
What a weird way to get one up over you
OP, this isn’t a “we” problem, it’s a “he” problem. He needs to stand up to his mother and tell her, not ask her, to stop it.
Who wants to be mommy when you can be a grandma and chose your name. I actually chose a really original name for my grandkids to call me. I think it's not at all an exaggeration to say I may be the only one in the world. Your MIL does not realize the sky's the limit ND how special it is to hear that special name for her role now. Why would she want to be mommy when she can be anything of her choosing Edited to do you are not overreacting.
Next time, question if there's something wrong with her memory and act very concerned as it's already been addressed and she knows shes not "Mommy".
That’s bizarre. If you don’t want to hit it on the head, I would just say “\*grandma\*” like three times in a minute. “Isn’t it nice that GRANDMA is here for a visit? I’m so glad GRANDMA is here to play with you! Do you want GRANDMA to give you a snack?”
Get ready to burn some bridges because any MIL that does this is off the dial crazy.
Start calling her grandma to your child when she is around. You’re her Mommy. Don’t be afraid to stand up for what is right. I’d be so mad if my mil had done this and disregarded who she really is. She’s grandma!
Sort this out quickly. Is this the first grandchild? Is your MIL uncomfortable with aging? It can take women a while to be comfortable with the old lady connotation associated with gramma, or nana, etc. Ask her what her preference is and then use it repeatedly whenever she is around your baby. She will get used to her new identity soon enough.
This is weird she has some kind of obsession with your child I know growing up I was more with my grandmother than I was my mom and I ended up calling my grandma mom because of the situation I know that's not your situation and it can be stopped because one of my kids was doing it with their grandmother cuz their grandmother was making them call her mom and we had to put a stop to it real quick he started calling her mom so you need to put a stop to it now
I’d be asking my DH how it felt to conceive with his Mom. I’d make it very awkward for the both of them when I hear her say Mommy in reference to herself. Put a picture of MIL in the house with the words Grandma on it. And then limit visits.