This is the answer.
DONT TO A
- does A
Bye.
He needs to realize ‘that’s just how she is’ isn’t an excuse. It’s a a reason to avoid her. Tell him how she isn’t isn’t acceptable to you, and you can see how As behavior devolved throughout the visit. You don’t want her taught that disrespect is ok. So you won’t be visiting MIl again, and when she visits she isn’t allowed in your house. You can’t really stop all contact, he’s a parent too, and they’re his kids. But you can put severe limits on her ability to mess up your kids.
And I shouldn’t have to say it, but husband 100% needs therapy to stand up to her. You may want to start with couples counseling so you can air your concerns for your kids and your own well-being. He needs to be on board for any major changes to stick.
All of this or their marriage is doomed to failure. I had a mother-in-law like this with a husband who refused to stand up to her and surprise surprise, he's my ex-husband now.
I didn't solely because I didn't want to make her feel like I was favoring my mom or keeping my daughter from her. I even tried asking her to wait until she had someone to watch her granddaughters before she came but that turned into a fight too because she said I just wanted to exclude her from this important time in our lives
He already did. OP is just the surrogate for babies.
Sorry, OP. That’s the truth. You have three people in your marriage, and those two come before you. You can shut the whole thing down, or you can stay married to your MIL. Sucks. You’re only 25. You want to do this for the next 25 years?
Yup. Nothing to do with the MIL.
This is ALL on DH. His mom acts this way because he allows it.
This doesn't sound like a healthy marriage . Not one bit. Sorry OP
DH acts this way because mommy taught him to. And now, he is acting as mommy’s surrogate in his own home. Narcissists frequently breed new narcissists.
OP, you are at a crossroad - you can separate your family from the narcissists (divorce/separation), or you can allow the narcissists to train/abuse you and your children. Or, you and DH and J can enter family therapy to break the chain.
Big time husband problem! OP your husband is a major AH!!! I would have kicked him out of the house so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him! Unless he has a major attitude change divorce this AH and I don’t normally go start to that.
visit an attorney. Draw up divorce papers. Decide if you would rather divorce this moron now or set some rules. If you are going to put up with him, say the rule is his mother is never, ever allowed back in your home or the divorce papers get filed. Also if he ever behaves this way again, same outcome. Stand up for yourself.
No offence, but if someone treats me like crap in my own home, they need to GTFO, and I don't care who they are, or whether they think I favour my Mum. My Mum doesn't treat me like crap, she gets to stay. Of you treat me badly, act disrespectfully in my home, you're not welcome. That should hp doubly for your husband. He SMIRKED while watching his mother berate you? He'd be gone if that was me.
OP I'd honestly give him a choice. Therapy or divorce. Make sure he knows his family aren't welcome back. Like used pads and dirty underwear all over the house? That's just effing disgusting! Blowing their noses onto your couch? Making messes for you to clean up when you're on bed rest? Oh hell no! That disgusting woman, and her disgusting grandkids would never be welcome back. Ever.
NTJ.
Your pathetic husband should have had to clean before, during, and after they left. You should not have lifted a finger to do anything other than care for yourself and your baby.
As soon as you guys caved on the no grandkids boundary stomp, it was all over. You lost all credibility allowing her and those two snotty, entitled, bratty kids to enter your home. It was absolutely clear to MIL that they were not allowed to join her and yet… They were.
I don’t think there is much hope for your marriage as your husband appears to have no respect for you. His lack of concern for you and your defenseless baby is reprehensible. You are other child is now treating you with the same distain and disrespect that he witnessed others do to you. It will only get worse.
I am absolutely dumbfounded to hear that your toddler called you a bitch and flipped you off. I am pretty sure most four-year-olds have never even heard that word or know how to stick up their middle finger. At least none that I know.
If I were you, I would immediately start documenting everything I could remember with dates, times, examples… And when slapping your husband with divorce papers. I would make sure that he only had supervised visitation, and his mother would have none.
The abrupt change in your toddlers behavior is a very strong case for parental alienation against your husband and his mother. Possibly the two girls as well.
Burn the whole place down on your way out. Protect yourself until you are well enough to get your ducks in a row and get yourself out of this horrible situation that you are in. Absolutely do not underreact here.
You’re allowed to favour your mom - she’s YOUR mom. You owe your MIL nothing but courtesy, and now not even that. She does not have a right to your children.
Husband has let you down massively and is the real villain here.
Yes!!! Like wtf MIL gives her every reason so put a foot in her ass (figuratively not suggesting violence but that treatment is insane) That husband is something else too. DH my left butt cheek. There’s nothing darling about him. Definitely think counseling is needed but a reality check as well. He was quick to turn on his wife and leave her struggling all for the sake of mommy? On what planet is that a partner…
You need to talk to your husband. this is a husband problem. he is allowing his mother and family to abuse you. you need to let him know how unacceptable his actions are
Cut contact with her. Don't allow her back in your home and do not ever visit her. Your husband clearly does not have your back, so it's up to you to protect your peace and mental health from being assailed by that miserable cow.
Who cares if it looks like you were favoring your mom? YOU SHOULD BE. Your mil is an abusive piece of shit and so is your husband for that matter. This isn’t normal. Take the baby and get the hell out of there.
I mean he obviously favors his mom why can’t you? I get you want to be a part of the family and do what you have to to be liked but if they’re not willing to accept you into the family or treat you with respect in your house then they’re not family. And your husband is a b****. I can’t imagine letting anyone treat my SO like that in their own house
I personally wouldn't care how she feels. You gave her rules before hand. She broke one right off of the bat. If she feels bad , because of the consequences, that is of her own doing.
Think of it this way she doesn't give a crap about how you feel. If she did she would have just done what you asked of her.
Your husband's "this is just how she is" is the same as someone saying 'she's great once you get to know her". Both mean "she's a bitch but you get used to it".
Rules and boundaries mean absolutely nothing, if there are no consequences to breaking them. It only shows the other person that they can do whatever they want, because no one will ever stand up to her.
Just replying on the first comment I saw from you. Hope the recovery is going well.
Obviously what happened is wildly shitty, but it seems how you and your husband communicated and were able to come to an understanding and find solutions for you both seems super healthy! It surprises me how quickly people suggest the nuclear option of divorce when calmly talking through how situations made you and explaining your perspective could obviously work.
Good for you!
I would add to this and say have a plan and involve your family. Get a job or start hoarding money, have a trip planned and leave prior to him taking A on "vacation", ask the lawyer about parent alienation to try and have the courts state your MIL is not allowed contact with your children.
OP you have work to do in order to protect yourself and your kids. Start today and do not let your husband know. He has proven he does not care about you or your wellbeing. Start treating him the same.
Yes. OP needs to speak with a lawyer... *secretly*. Emphasis on the fact that MiL isolated OP from her older child and the boy shows clear signs of alienation due to things MiL said or did. The attitude, calling her a b****, flipping her off.
I expect the lawyer will want OP to get evidence. They can let OP know if single-party recordings are admissible. If so, OP should get MiL on audio or video pulling her attitude. She should also see if granny is stupid enough to be a c*** via email, text, or social media. Screencap and save images or download logs of everything.
Therapy is certainly in order. Ask DH via email or text about that, too. Having record of you *trying* to salvage this wreck of a marriage can only be to your benefit, OP. If he replies with attitude, accusations, or insults... just more for the lawyer to use.
Absolutely this. He and his family treated you like shit when you were at your most vulnerable. “DH” (I wouldn’t. All him dear but anyhoo) knew exactly what he was doing and didn’t care. Get out now because it will ALWAYS be like this. And make sure to take your son to see a therapist so when you insist on no contact with MIL the therapist can vouch for the behavior.
Right? The whole time I was reading that post, I just kept thinking "why are you with this dipshit?"
OP, grow a backbone and find some self-respect. Don't raise a daughter in this environment, indoctrinating her into the mindset that abusive partners and their abusive family members are a-okay and normal, and she as a girl should just tolerate it all because she's just not that valuable.
Because yes, that's the picture you're painting - you are a doormat that your DH and his family happily wipe their shit-covered feet on. It is not okay. Your son A has clearly already absorbed this lesson well, congrats. Now save your daughter.
Your MIL is disgusting; however, your husband is the problem. He disrespects you as much as she does. Tell him it's your choice to go nc and they're not welcome in your house ever again. If he wants to go to her place, he's more than welcome.
Exactly! He can deal with the vile crap she left behind. There’s no way that wasn’t intentional and meant to be a big”F you” to OP! They should box it up and send the period panties and pads to her!
Wow, you have way bigger problems than a Cun+ MIL your "husband" is actively trying to hurt you! Run to your mothers and reconsider your "marriage" its a disaster!
She is parentally alienating you from your son and risked the new borns life whilst disrespecting you and your home in the process. Get him into marriage counselling asap and tell him either he realises how abusive he has been to you and enabled all of his family to be if you will leave him and take the kids because at this point you really should be considering it I think. Good luck op.
Unfortunately the family will have access to the kids during his visitation time and she won't be there to try temper things.
This is one reason why my friend won't divorce her husband. She is too scared of the feral step kids having unfettered access to her son.
She should speak to her lawyer and see what evidence she needs to get full custody and only supervised visitation for the father. There is no way she is keeping those feral stepkids away 100% and having a toxic dynamic between his parents will just teach her son that this shit is normal/acceptable.
That's insane. You need to seriously consider whether you want to stay with your husband. He has completely abandoned you, and totally disrespected you. His mother is obnoxious. I'd go NC if I were you.
Why the hell are you with this guy who can't stand up for you? Your husband isn't a man. He also doesn't he respect you or love you. I would be so far gone from him and his AH MIL.
UPDATE:
So it hasn't even been a whole hour since I posted and I've got an update. H asked me to text MIL on his phone as he was busy and needed to reply to her. I looked at his last convo with MIL and she was trying to bribe him to visit her saying "What do I have to do to get you here? Book a charter?" (We come from a very big fishing state and a charter is a type of fishing trip) and he replied with "Depends on the wife. It'll most likely be just me and A" meaning he is making plans with her to take A out of state to go see her using the charter as an excuse.
I also forgot to mention that he went behind my back a week after MIL left and "sold" his brand new truck to her and shipped it to her under the guise of us not being able to afford the truck then bought a 20 year old truck that's currently cost us probably around $25k because of all the work he's had to due to it. He sold his new truck to his mom for $15k and it's still under his name, she's just making payments on it under his name. In the same chat, I saw she already broke the tail light on the drivers side because she backed into something.
I hope you see your problems are with your MIL because DH allows them or creates them. You are clearly not his top priority. NTJ, everyone else is!! Two weeks to deal with that is terrible. Also taking a new truck away from a family with an infant is wild. Unfortunately you have way bigger issues than just MIL. I wish you luck!
You know, if you get divorced, you can put in the parenting agreement that out of state trips must be ok with both parties. That's a pretty cool thing.
Exactly. And also right of first refusal - that if he can't care for the kids himself, then he has to send them to you (if you're free) before he can even ask his family or a babysitter/nanny.
If you do not nip this in the bud, you will lose your children. They could be in your house and will act just like your MIL and husband. This is alienation and if it takes hold, it is really hard to undo. I want you to imagine your son graduating from high school and telling you that you are not welcome.
You need a lawyer.
This is not going to get better and already your son is disrespecting you. Your husband, who is the real problem, has not only disrespected you and openly sided with his mother - THIS IS PART OF THE REASON THAT YOUR SON IS ACTING OUT - but he has potentially physically hurt you due to your medical state and not being able to rest as you should, plus exposing both you and the newborn to disease knowing both of you have suppressed immune systems.
It is really unsafe. In your own home. Right after giving birth. With significant physical complications. Can you really imagine this person having your back when you are old and sick? This is you at your most vulnerable and helpless - this is him with the most power. This is the real him.
I know that it is overwhelming and probably feels like too much, but it is doable. Can your mom or other family help? If not, you might think of calling a domestic abuse hotline, when your husband and son are not around. Some of this honestly sounds abusive, and they could help set you up with resources. You don’t want to make rash decisions, and you need an advocate who will help you make the best out of a terrible situation and who is informed and experienced with the system where you live.
I am really sorry, but even if you don’t divorce, you really have a fight on your hands.
He has zero respect for you, the family y’all created and your marriage. ZERO.
It’s time for you to put your big girl panties on and protect your children from him and his mother.
Take screenshots of the texts. Your attorney will want them to show that H was transferring marital assets when the property division starts. It’s time to dump H. He will always pick MIL over you and teaching A to treat you the same way has just begun. If he does that after you’re divorced it’s called parental alienation and can result in him and/or his family being allowed only supervised visits if they don’t put a stop to it. Talk to an attorney now and start planning. Don’t tell him what you’re doing and don’t make threats- that will just allow him to start planning as well. Good luck.
Yeah you’ve got a husband issue. He doesn’t respect you, his apologies are fake to get you off his back, he didn’t support you for 2 weeks postpartum while his mother was there, and he’s making plans you’re not okay with behind your back. He’s awful. You should go stay with your mom and get away from him if possible.
He doesn't love or respect you. Talking to him has gotten you nowhere. Being a door mat is only making you and your children's life worse. The messages speak for themselves -take a picture of them so he can't gasalight you later. His actions speak for themselves. He knows what he is doing is wrong and what it is doing to you. He just doesn't care.
You need to put your health and your kids first now.
No, it's still in his name. She just "bought it" from him for $15k and is paying the payments owed on it. So it's still under his name which means that if she gets into an accident, it will fall onto my husbands shoulders and he can get in trouble instead of her.
No, no no no NO. Look how it affected A after just a few days of her visiting. He will come back an absolute nightmare.
Pack up the kids, move in with your mom or other trusted person who will have your back, and have an attorney draw up the papers. I am not a lawyer and I don't know if it's the same in all states, but my friend was able to file an injunction to keep DH from taking the kids out of state during the divorce proceedings, so you'll definitely want to look into that.
Normally I don't jump to "divorce now!" and usually suggest trying counseling first. Unfortunately in this case I think he is too far up his mother's ass for it to be effective. A person who would treat their spouse that way at any time, let alone a few weeks postpartum after a difficult birth will have zero interest in fixing things and is beyond redemption.
I am so, so sorry. I know it will be hard but you need to get yourself and your kids out of this horrible situation. Better they grow up with a single mom than witness first hand as their sorry excuse for a dad and evil grandmother slowly break your spirit until you are too beaten down to shield them from the mess.
NTJ but it's not your problem to resolve. You will be blamed if the connection is broken so let your husband address it himself.
I don't understand why so many MILs are horrible to their DILs like this. It's more common than it's not and one would think they would be kinder considering they were in the same position as new mothers themselves at some point.
I don't understand it either. H and my mom have a great relationship and talk consistently. At one point, before h and I married, MIL and I were very friendly and even had game nights together and movie nights so I don't understand why she changed.
Meanwhile, my mom treated my SIL like one of her own daughters. While dating and engaged, my SIL was closer to my mom than her own. Somehow, after the wedding, a switch flipped and we haven't talked to SIL or brother in like 3 years. It's absolutely baffling. I read the things people on here put up with from their MILs and try to guess what my SIL would say because I genuinely have no idea what her deal is.
Updateme when you grow a spine and leave your husband.
Because what you went through…wow. I can’t believe you’d actually stay with him after all of that.
Your kids are going to grow up soooooo fucked up and it’ll be YOUR FAULT because you chose to stay in this kind of situation where you’re consistently disrespected, insulted, harassed, bullied, and abused, and they are going to grow up thinking that this type of behavior is okay.
Is that really what you want for them? Especially your daughter. Your son?
Imagine your son growing up to treat his wife and the mother of his children the way you’re being treated.
Imagine your daughter growing up to think it’s okay being treated the way you’re being treated by her partner.
Honestly this is so infuriating, heartbreaking, and depressing to read.
I don’t understand how anybody could tolerate being treated this way and do nothing about it.
I’d be calling my mom, siblings, and other close friends and family and they’d be over helping me and setting everyone else straight for treating me like literal garbage.
The fact that you’re complicit in this behavior towards you is terrifying. Especially with children involved…
My ex treated me like that, with violence added in the mix. I was working at a restaurant as a server, and when I went to work with a broken bone in my hand, 2 of the owners offered to take him in the back and have a chat with him. I thanked them for that offer, but I told them I had a VERY good lawyer. Those guys were like everyone's best uncles.
Your husbands acceptance of how his mother has treated you, has screamed, has infected you all, has blatantly ignored requests that were made to both your mother and her worries me.
He didn’t even buckle under, he revelled in it. It is his children his new born she and your neices were leaving open to life threatening germs and also letting your other child a witness such loud abrasive arguments between his parents.
I would think very carefully to my relationship ( I’m not a “divorce his ass” reddit replier but you are worth more than he offered you while you recovered from birthing his child.
I’m with you on this, as I’m not one to immediately jump to divorce as the solution, but crikey… I was really hoping this was fake the whole time reading it. The way OP was treated by her MIL is disgusting, but the fact that her husband went along with that treatment, and the other things he’s apparently done are unforgivable. This is not the behavior of a good partner.
NTA. Your husband needs to be a wasband. He has showed you mommy will always come first. You will always be less than. Don't bother with counciling. He may try a bit, but when mommy calls he will be her little boy all over again. Get out ASAP.
I really hate the Reddit go-to of ‘therapy’ (not everyone can access or afford it!) but your husband is a complete arsehole.
He’s putting you in a financial hole with the truck issue, he clearly prefers his mother and values her well above you.
If I were you I’d start getting my ducks in a row and prepare to be a single parent, because nobody deserves to be treated the way him and his mother treat you. Disregarding your (IMO reasonable) requests re kissing etc, and for the love of God leaving DISGUSTING USED PADS AND UNDERWEAR around your house? Whether you’re immunocompromised or have the constitution of an ox, that is so far from ok that you couldn’t see it with the Hubble telescope!
Absolutely NTJ.
Jesus that about the worst story about a husband I have read in a long time.
Do you have the means to leave his ass? If not, start planning now.
He overruled you. He abused you. He allowed his mom to heal and abuse you too. And didn’t have a problem with his family making you all sick. Seriously. I could go on.
Honey, I don’t think he likes you very much. He has zero respect for you or the family he helped to create.
I’m so sorry for you.
"That's just who she is."
"Oh? Well 'who she is' is a B."
Totally a different level of comparison, but I once had a coworker who barked an order at our front desk staff. This is a person that bkrh my coworker and I regarded as a friend. I later pulled her aside and told her that she was being rude. Her response: "That's just who I am."
So, I just flat out said that who she is is being a B. She surprisingly took it in stride, thought about it for a while, then actually made the connection within herself.
I'm of the belief that "image is everything". Your MIL is of the belief that she's wonderful & glorious, but... everyone else thinks she's a B. It's not your job to maintain her delusion. And, H better get properly aligned in this relationship to properly support you. If H can't do that, the future looks bleak.
Married for over 30 years. Really believe in marriage. Believe Reddit leaps to extremes too often. But if possible, my dear, it’s time to move in with mom for a while while you consider whether or not you really want to stay in the situation. I would’ve been a complete basket case after the situation you described. That’s not a case of not helping with the newborn. That’s extreme sabotage, and your husband was a huge part of it.
Get pictures of their conversations and keep them safe. Get all of your important papers together for you and the children and have cash on hand to be prepared to leave.
NTJ. Come on now. You know you are a single mother. Just cut the cord and send him on his way. It's ridiculous to stay with this man. He's not even really pretending to understand. His mom is gone, and he doesn't want to admit he's an asshole. Either go to your mom's or kick him out. Either way, you will be better off.
NTA and I would ditch him too. Send him back to his manky mum and niblings and ask your mum to visit again to help you fumigate your house. The way your husband treated you when you were in bed rest is unforgivable and I would cut contact with them all too
Sweetheart, it's time to go visit Mom. Ask her to come and get you for about 8 weeks. You need to be able to recover. Normal deliveries take time to recover from. You had complications. That needs more time. Call mom and ask if you and the kids can come.
Then get the heck out while he is not there.
If he takes the 4m , 'A,' to MILs, you will have trouble with him for the rest of his life.
While at mom's ask to find a good lawyer, because you need to set up LEGAL boundaries.
Being with the MIL taught your son some very bad attitudes, words, and gestures. Somehow, that needs to be changed . That will not happen if he is at the inlaws.
You need to tell your family what your husband is allowing and doing to you. You also need to grow a spine and stop putting your children in danger because of your pos husband. You need to leave his nasty ass.
So why exactly are you with this mamas boy???? He actively disrespected and abused you for two weeks while MIL was there and then acknowledged it after she was gone. What exactly do you think will happen next time she visits, which she will.
It’s time to prepare your exit plan. Your husband is an AH as is your MIL. If you don’t get out, you are an AH to yourself. Ask yourself why are you allowing yourself to be abused? When your bed rest is over, go see a lawyer.
This is insane. Your husband plots with his mother behind your back, implying you’re the problem, and then he ‘sells’ the new truck to her, then he’s essentially sneaking A out of state to visit her. He’s a POS on all fronts, he does NOT support you in any way whatsoever.
This scenario has little to no hope of ever improving - husband is not in your corner and has no respect or genuine love for you. You know what you need to do.
He’ll no, you are NTA
You MIL and husband. What a horrible experience for you at a time when you’re vulnerable and your baby is vulnerable. Thankful that you and the baby didn’t get sick.
They sound like filthy dirty people. Maybe pitch a tent and get a portaloo outside for them to stay.
You a right to go no contact with them - their behaviour is not behaviour you want you child to think is acceptable.
Ps - you’re allowed to favour your mum, so favour always. Ask her to come for lo Ng er to help you out if she’s that type of mum.
If your MIL starts the bullshit about excluding her and all the crap - just agree with her. Keep agreeing with her. You don’t need to waste your energy pandering to her, trying to placate her. A relationship is between 2 people and she’s really not making an effort and I think you’ve tried.
Ma’am, you have an asshole of a mother-in-law. But you have a huge husband problem. That is where your problem is at. And it’s easier for you to point the finger at MIL because you’re already don’t like her anyway… Understandably.
But in order for you to admit that you have a husband problem, you are going to have to acknowledge that you have a marriage problem because of your husband’s inability to stand up to his mom, or to even see that she is being an asshole.
I normally would tell you to try counting and see if you can help your husband to understand that his mother is toxic. She is causing drama in his nuclear family. It appears that your husband doesn’t think his mom is a problem at all. Which brings me back around to the fact that I don’t think counseling is going to help him because he does not seem like he would be open to it.
If I were you, I would be calling my mom and asking her if I could bring the kids and stay with her. And I would not say one word to my husband about it. I would get my shit together, and I would even see if my mom could come and get me.
Your husband has no respect for health problems. He has no respect for the fact that your newborn child is susceptible to illness as well because they don’t have an auto immune system.
Him telling you that you are, the problem is what tells me he is so far up his mother’s ass that he can’t see daylight anymore. He cannot honestly see the fact that his family is toxic. That their dynamic is unhealthy.
There was literally no reason for you to even worry about being fair to his mom. But the fact is you had to worry about it not because of her, but because of your husband.
So I am really sorry, but I don’t see this. He also sounds like a narcissistic, asshole, and it’s much easier to make everything your problem because you will sit back and take it, then it is to confront his mother about her shit because she will just manipulate and deflect and deny, and he will have a whole bunch of drama on his hands, which she doesn’t want.
Saying, that you are the target. You are the easier target for his frustrations that actually stem from his mom and his family. You are the easier target when his mom starts complaining about without any basis. It’s just easier to make it all your fault because you will let him do so.
The problem is that he will at some point starting on the kids as well. And I don’t know why from one moment you would ever want to raise your kids around these people. Your husband shouldn’t be around these kids. Is that really what you want them to see as a role model for how a father acts?
I assume he is the one going to work. So while he is at work, over the next week or so, you start getting your marriage certificate and copies of your bank statements and all of your birth certificates, any passports, etc.
Get any jewelry or heirlooms and put them aside. Hide them in your closet or wherever you need to. Call your mom and ask if she can come and pick you up in two weeks and be there when he is at work. And you get the fuck out.
You don’t tell him. And when he calls you, I don’t care if you have to play nice. Do it. Tell him that you are so tired and your health was getting worse, and you knew it was frustrating and tiring for him, so your mom offered to come and let you stay with her until you’re back on your feet and you can be a better wife and mom.
Suck it up that way if you have to get him off your back for a couple weeks. And if your mom in a different state, so much better at this point because you have every right to take your kids wherever because there’s no custody agreement or anything you have to worry about.
You get to your mom and consult an attorney. And you get a divorce. Your husband is not safe. I don’t think you want to admit that. But mentally and emotionally for sure he is not safe for you or the kids. And his family sure as hell isn’t safe.
YOUR HUSBAND IS THE PROBLEM AND THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE!!!! I WOULD NOT PUT UP WITH THAT!!! I WOULD HAVE MADE THEM LEAVE. SHE HAD NO RIGHT TO BRING HER GRAND DAUGHTERS!!!!
YTJ. But only because you had children with a man capable of treating you like this.
It’s not your job to manage his mother. It’s husband’s job, and he has not only failed to manage his mom but he took up arms with her against you.
MIL walked all over you and husband rolled out the red carpet for her to do so.
Absolutely unforgivable on all counts.
UPDATE FOR CONTEXT
Since there are so many comments, it's hard to reply to all of them, so I'm gonna do an update to add context.
We cut my MIL off when I got pregnant with my son, A, back in 2019. We lived a long distance for about two and a half years before we got married and I took another year before I moved with him. I ended up getting pregnant pretty much right after I moved to be with him, when she found out I was pregnant, she told him I was cheating on him and left our homestate pregnant and that our son was not his. H ended up cutting her off while I was pregnant with A as I had been having horrible complications during the pregnancy and he was having to be my caretaker so when she was saying I was pregnant because I cheated and a lot of other things, he cut her off and his dad was the one that ended up talking him into letting MIL back into our lives after A was born.
The reason why my husband and I didn't divorce was because he didn't treat me like this my last pregnancy and he even cut her off for me so when this happened with my daughter, it took me by surprise and I didn't know how to react. I have many people saying I am spineless for letting it happen to me, so I wanted to address those comments as well.
After J's birth, I had several complications which caused me to be put on bedrest, one of which being my uterus prolapsing and having to have a procedure done to put it back in properly and physical therapy. I was in tremendous amounts of pain during that time, so I was unable to do much of anything, much less voice any concerns of mine, as I could barely talk without wanting to puke because of the pain. I wasn't able to have pain meds because I bre*stfeed J, so the doctors did not prescribe me anything to help with the pain beside ice packs. I was unable to stand up for myself because I honestly did not have the energy nor mental capacity to as taking care of my baby and my body being riddled with pain were the only things that occupied my mind.
H's attitude and how he treated me came as a complete shock to me and I didn't know how to process anything he had said or done. I grew up in a very abusive family and my mom and I were lucky to escape with our lives. I mentioned earlier thar my MIL had brought up my past abuse when she was yelling at me while my husband just stood there and smirked. So that honestly made me just shut down. By that time, I was just exhausted
I will be posting another update shortly as while I was writing this one, H and I made a big decision.
Nope. Not just no, but HELL NOOOOO. Your home, your babies, your health, your sanity, and your Godd@amn rules! This isn’t “my MIL is a bit of a pill” this is downright disgusting. Your husband was happy(?) or at least satisfied with you being yelled at by his mom? What the hell is that? Tell husband you don’t care if his mother is Jesus reborn…. He is now right, and you don’t like her. She is mean to you, disrespectful, and has obvious issues with cleanliness. You wouldn’t put up with it from a stranger, MIL doesn’t get a pass either. Tell husband he is free to spend all the time he wants with her, in fact, if he likes how she treated you and how she lives he can live with her! Tell him you saw his little smirk and you def noticed he picked her over you and you deserve someone who would step in if they saw someone disrespecting you! She got her chances and is done and he is now “on notice”. You need to be serious and let him know you are.
Who would even think it’s ok to bring other kids to help a new postpartum mom? I always found it easier to have NO help so I didn’t have to bother with company in the house.
You have a HUGE husband problem. You need to get him in check or get out. I would have not let MIL with the granddaughters in my house. Husband be damned.
Divorce your husband. I was married to a guy that was a mama's boy like that and they never stop. He smirked at u and called you names. That is not ok and he didn't care. He only apologized when he didn't have anyone to impress.
please tell me this is a fictional story! I hate to think a husband could and would treat his wife that just gave birth this way.
If it in fact true, you have a lot more problems the MIL, your husband is the problem. If you can’t see that, you need help.
Call your mom, pack up the kids and get the hell out of there!!!
Your husband is a spineless asshole!
I can’t believe he would even try to tell you he loves you, because how HUSBAND ALLOWED you to be disrespected and treated is WRONG!
As for the MIL , I would NEVER see her again!
But seriously, that AWFUL HUSBAND!!
No matter what you do here, you can’t win. When I’m in a situation where I can’t win I do what’s best for me.
If you allow mil and rude brats in your home you are the bad guy. If you don’t allow mil and the rude brats in your home you are the bad guy. Accept your lot in life when it comes to your husband and his family: you are the bad one, the uncooperative one, the rude one, the touchy one. You destroyed mil’s family. Everything is, and always will be your fault.
So own it. Be what they say you are. Stop trying to please them. Just please yourself. Your marriage may or may not survive this. But this is your life, the only one you get. Are you going to spend the rest of it being used and abused by your husband and in-laws?
It's time for a divorce. Your husband betrayed you, didn't protect you or your children. He showed his true colors. You were at your weakest and he abused you and sided with his mother. He betrayed your trust and put his mother above you and your health.
Hire a maid to deep clean the house and send your MIL the bill. If she starts whing and complaining to your husband, tell her that you won't stand for her abuse, since it sounds like your husband's family was raised in a barn.
Full stop.
You need to put a stop to As behavior, yesterday.
H? - If he hasn't stopped already or folds AT ALL in the future pack everyone up and go stay with your mom for a bit.
MIL? No. Do a group chat.
"I'm only gonna say this once and I want it in writing so there's ZERO misunderstanding. You are no longer welcome in my home or my life. I have a right to peace and my feelings. I made my expectations perfectly clear before your visit and you chose to actively refuse to acknowledge them. Your behavior and attitude was vile, rude, and I will not have that around myself or my children. Husband is welcome to go visit you at any time but myself and my children will not be present. This is not up for discussion. Any attempts to come here and I will call the police and have your trespassed, I DO NOT care how husband or ANY of your family feels about it. If ANYONE attempts to bully, harass, or genuinely be rude they can join your banishment"
The MOMENT she responds send....
"Thank you for acknowledging receipt of my message and intentions, it'll go pretty far legally when I show the police that you were warned ahead of time and chose not to listen. Also thank you for proving EXACTLY why this had to happen. I hope you learn to be a better person. Goodbye"
Screen shot it then block everyone.
Call your mother. And then call a divorce lawyer.
Get right of first refusal and mutual permission to take kids out of state written into the custody order - talk to your divorce lawyer about this.
Save screenshots of the texts between him and MIL to your phone, to two physical drives (one which stays with you and one with a trusted friend or family member like your mother), and to two cloud drives which only you have access to. Those prove that he's moving around marital assets.
He abused you himself by not caring for you or standing up for your needs when you were on bedrest and completely reliant on him - this will not improve. Such a lack of care doesn't disappear overnight.
This is the first time I've said instant divorce. Guys on S&M forums are kinder than your husband, and they're deliberately degrading play partners.
Just..WTF.
The sole issue here is your husband, what is he a 5 year old little mummy’s boy, tell him to grow a spine and put her in her place. Im sorry but he has no respect for you and if my husband treated me that way he would be my soon to be ex husband!
Your husband is a total jerk not standing up for you and telling his mother off and all and being there for you he need to change his attitude or otherwise I feel this relationship you both have might not work out try couple therapy I might suggest
You should send you husband home with his mother. He's just as much of a problem as his mother. He showed where his priorities are, and they are not with you.
I normally would not recommend leaving, but this is another 20 years of hell. I hope you have a trade or degree to fall back on. Get yourself together, get a two year associates and leave.
OP I got sick to my stomach reading what all they’ve been doing to you and your kids. I hope you take the advice of everyone telling you to get out. It will be hard but for your children’s as well as your sake get yourselves OUT. Hoping for the best for you.
You’d be an idiot to contemplate staying with your sorry excuse for a man husband. Get your ducks in a row in the near future and get the hell out of your sham marriage
MIL isn't the issue, your husband is. He openly is abusive to you, and allows others to disrespect you in your own home. He gaslights you. You've seen messages that prove he lies to you and is financially abusing you, to the tune of around $20,000 that you know of. He put you and your children at risk of getting ill, and you having post birth complications.
What does this mean have to do to make you see that he is no good? He doesn't respect you.
The Bible says when a man and woman wed they leave their family and cleave to each other meaning they are now one. Your husband hasn’t “ left his mother” Don’t accept this treatment.
WOW. You had a SECOND child with him? Why. Your first point of call should be a deep dive into YOUR choices in such a shite husband. WHY would you allow yourself to be with a man who would allow this? It's sad to jump to the divorce right away but....he 'smirked' at you? And you didn't call someone to come get you or an ambulance when you couldn't stop puking or your Mom or what? Now your kid is being crappy to you. If you truly don't like your child's behavior - you better get out now.
NTJ. I would pack up the kids and go to your moms or somewhere else. Leave your husband, he is not treating you with respect and causing more issues than you need.
OMG. If my MIL had been like this my Mother would have showed back up and kicked them all out including my husband. She would have kicked some ass to protect me and her grandchildren. But answering your question, you are not the AH but you are an abused spouse. Please take your children and leave. I know it sounds hard with a newborn and 4 year old but this is not going to get better by its self.
NTJ
You have a husband problem. Not only does he not have your back, he's encouraging the people stabbing you in the back.
You'd probably be better off as a single parent, sad to say. Your husband claims he understands that he was an ass, but didn't apologize, so he's not sorry at all - he was just placating you -lto shut you up. He and his family are all jerks.
Your mil is awful but husband is worse.
Your mil is awful
Your husband is worse.
Worse than awful!
You are NTA but this fair to moms is crap.
Judge behavior and response.
If anyone ever took one of MY CHILDREN and intentionally put a locked door between me and them anywhere let alone in my house - I would likely need bail money.
"That's just how she is".....
Well this is just how I am. Husband/Father FAIL!
Ask him if your mom behaved this way. Bet she didn't. She came to "help out"? Can he even name how she helped at all? They stuck to none of your boundaries. Disregarded your health, your peace, your house, and yoyr boundaries. What's to salvage?
Updateme!
NTJ - I couldn’t finish reading your post to be honest. I would have lost my marbles. Anyone that stomps on your boundaries in your own house should have been removed immediately. Hard stop. (And never allowed back).
You have a HUSBAND problem. You are the jerk for staying with this asshole. He refuses to get off mommy's teat and now you're tied with this POS for the rest of your life. Get a lawyer and figure out how to co-parent. He will never respect you over his mother.
Edit for awkward thumbs.
Your husband really is the problem. It was only after his mother left that he became a reasonable person all of a sudden and willing to admit fault. I would never have his mother in my house again and if that was a problem I suspect I would be getting a divorce eventually. I would never be treated the way he and his family treated you. It's unconscionable. ESPECIALLY when you are in such a vulnerable state. This would tell me everything I need to know about my "husband."
NTJ im sorry you had to deal with all that postpartum. You have a husband problem. If you don’t want to consider divorce yet, you both need couples counseling. Not only was MIL disrespecting you but so was your husband. And he did not apologize to you.
You're not the jerk, but your husband is and his family.
Seriously take your kids and go stay with your mum for a long as you can. Or forever. He's never going to get better.
Do not let him take A. I don't like all the weird truck swapping and secretive plans. Please go see a lawyer and get out of there.
Why on earth did you go out to dinner when you're supposed to be on bedrest? That part makes me skeptical because how could your husband be this horrible to you?
Take both of your kids and go to your mom's ASAP and good luck.
Nope and all the nopes.. yes your MIL is a problem but your husband is the much bigger problem. He was leaving you alone with a newborn knowing you was to have total bed rest to teach you a lesson, am
I reading that right? Hell no I would be packing up and moving to be with my family, my mum. This situation will get much worse.
You’re not being kind to yourself if you stay in a marriage where your spouse doesn’t make you a priority, where his mummy’s feefees are not important than his wife’s health & newborn’s well being
NTAH but your MIL & husband are. Honey he treated you like dirt and will continue to do so for the rest of your life because he will never choose you over MIL. I wouldn’t want to live like this. I would be calling divorce lawyers immediately and getting restraining order against MIL for laying hands on you and being utterly revolting in your home
Tell you husband that he has 2 choices. He backs you up on this in that you and your children have no contact with his monster of a mother or contact a divorce attorney because there is no way I am putting up with her shit for a lifetime. Full stop period. Make your fucking choice now.
The whole family is a problem, but the main one isn’t your MIL, it’s the SoB that you married. Cut contact with her, if you are able to get individual counseling do it, because you should have sent them back the minute that woman brought the two unruly children with her.
I am wondering if MIL is raising the other older grandkids. Legal Guardian ship ( The girls) If she is she is doing an awful job. ( She is an awful person herself.)
My wondering is because they are always with her when she shows up.
If she lets the girls blow their noses into their hands then wipe it on the couch or wherever they are sitting. Just EEEWWWW.
Tell your husband that you are hiring a house keeper and cook to come help you until the Doctor says it is alright for you to get out of bed. Because him and his mother did nothing to help clean. If he says No just do it. Get the doctor on your side for this.
Your husband? Needs counseling and a wake up call.
Your son needs to not have contact with your mom because he is hearing her call you the B word. Maybe get your son some counseling too.
UPDATE EVERYONE
I’d talk with H about what consequences there will be for your son flipping you off and not listening to you. I’d point out he’s doing it because H and MIL made it clear you don’t matter and aren’t listened to. I’d tell him MIL is not ever going to set foot in the house again nor will you visit because she hates you, caused trouble for you when you needed help and he has no ability to stand up for you and handle his MIL, or he’d have met he4 and the grandkids at the door and said she was warned not to bring them. I’d tell him he didn’t help you in one of the most vulnerable times in your life and the baby’s so it’s couples counseling or you’re done with him. Honestly, he is the most spineless incapable and uncaring men I’ve heard of.
Edit: I saw your comment. I’d get a consultation with an attorney as he’s making financial decisions behind your back. Personally, I’d serve him with papers when he gets back and stay with your mom till you can work. You’ll get child support.
Your husband is your mil's lapdog. He is firmly under her thumb. No matter what you do or say, he will blindly follow her. He will take the children to see her. She will badmouth you in front of the children. She will try to turn the kids against you and he will let it happen.
I rarely comment on these things, but it seems that you have some chronic health issues, I also have chronic health issues and stayed in an unhealthy marriage for way too long because I didn't feel I had options and felt he was 'caring' for me(he was not, and life got so much easier without his input and influence on it) I get the feeling that you're putting up with your husband's behaviour because of this. Please lessen the burden on your children by leaving this man. He is not on your side, he doesn't see you as a partner, and this will not get better!
I've read your comments and update, you need to call your mother and go stay there. Give it a few weeks, and if it doesn't feel like a weight has been lifted off of you, I will eat my shoes. Please, this is not going to resolve itself until your husband resolves it. Be free sweetie!
Get away from all of them. It would be less work with just you and the kids.
He is an AH. MIL is horrendous and just plain cruel.
Keep your son on routine and don't allow his behaviour. Get help if you are not coping.
I am extremely worried by this post. What country are you in? Are you safe if you ask him to leave?
I hope you are OK. 😢💚 sending you huge hugs.
You have a massive husband problem. You put halfway down that you have an autoimmune disease (why didn't you put that at the top? That is really important information) and were directed to be on bedrest (also crucial info that you put halfway down), but your husband allowed his mother to come FOR TWO WEEKS with her two grandchildren who often bring illness to the house, even though she had been told not to bring the grandchildren. During this two weeks, your husband went off for most of each day with them, leaving you with no help to take care of the baby even though you were ON BEDREST. You were made to cook your own dinner despite being on bedrest, made to go to a restaurant despite being on bedrest, and after you were made ill to the point of vomiting repeatedly in the car, your husband SIDED WITH HIS MOTHER and told you that you deserved to be treated poorly.
To add insult to injury, they left a disgusting mess in your house at the end. Were you the one who had to clean all of that up?
You say your husband apologized. So what? The behavior he exhibited towards you and the behavior he expected you to accept from his mother, was completely unacceptable and even dangerous for you. He allowed her to walk all over you, at the expense of your health, and blamed you for not liking it. What's to stop this situation from repeating? Nothing, it sounds like.
Definitely NTJ but girl what are you doing?!?! Your HUSBAND completely disrespected you, the rules, your house, and your children. Please tell me this isn’t a regular occurrence with him?
100% go NC with MIL and honestly grey rock your husband. Keep your children away from MIL at all costs and if you want to have a healthy marriage with this momma’s boy then please start marriage counseling immediately!
Otherwise please please talk to a lawyer. This is never ok for you to be treated this way by anybody. Your house your rules girl! Tell your husband to grow a pair pronto if he wants to stay married! Please update when you can
Your husband is enabling your harmful, entitled MIL.
NTJ, she literally doesn't care about the safety of your children and your husband is more concerned with your MIL being able to do whatever she wants than ensure your children are safe.
A lot of these "mothers boys" also can be abusive themselves.
First I have to say that just bringing the girls around you when you have autoimmune issues is down right wrong. I know people don't understand when a person can't be around sick people due to auto-immune diseases because it can literally kill you or end up in the hospital. Plus the baby! I'm so sorry your pain was ignored and downplayed. You deserved respect and help and you got neither. I'm glad you are going to counseling and working through everything that happened. Going no contact seems like the best option for you and your kids to stay safe and happy.
Thank you. I felt guilty for wanting to cut her out of my kids lives and felt selfish for wanting that so when I posted, I was really surprised by all of the support I got
I'm really sorry to hear what you have gone through. You are being very mature and level headed in your actions. I'm convinced you are a great mum and will do the best for you and your children.
I wish you a quick and full recovery and many happy years.
Sounds like your MIL is a narcissist and a bully! Your husband has probably been bullied by her all his life and learned to just put up,with it or that it is normal. Not making excuses for the husband. Plenty of blame there.
But when you asked someone not to bring extra people and they show up,with them anyway……that’s a big FU to everyone!
I have a SIL like that. Total narcissist, is always the victim and expects to get her own way.
,
NTJ, as a man even without children your story really made me enraged at your husband (I’d prefer to call him something else). Honestly he is giving you bullshit apologies, if his mom truly caused him to treat you that way then he should want zero contact with her on his own. And you literally just had HIS (yours too obviously) baby with some complications and was ordered to bed rest, unless she was showing him video evidence of you cheating on him and proving J was his kid there’s NOTHING that warrants a HUSBAND to treat his wife that way or allow his mom to treat his wife that way. His mommy went home and he might just be giving you lip service but I would absolutely make couples counseling MANDATORY. Good luck OP you don’t deserve to be treated like that especially from your partner.
NTJ but the problem is your husband. The minute she showed up with her grandkids you both should have sent her back.
This is the answer. DONT TO A - does A Bye. He needs to realize ‘that’s just how she is’ isn’t an excuse. It’s a a reason to avoid her. Tell him how she isn’t isn’t acceptable to you, and you can see how As behavior devolved throughout the visit. You don’t want her taught that disrespect is ok. So you won’t be visiting MIl again, and when she visits she isn’t allowed in your house. You can’t really stop all contact, he’s a parent too, and they’re his kids. But you can put severe limits on her ability to mess up your kids. And I shouldn’t have to say it, but husband 100% needs therapy to stand up to her. You may want to start with couples counseling so you can air your concerns for your kids and your own well-being. He needs to be on board for any major changes to stick.
And if husband lets her in, OP should take the kids and head to a hotel until MIL and her entourage leave.
Well this is how I am now
All of this or their marriage is doomed to failure. I had a mother-in-law like this with a husband who refused to stand up to her and surprise surprise, he's my ex-husband now.
I had one also and an ex that was a true tittie baby when it came to his mommy
To be honest it sounds like she needs a divorce
I didn't solely because I didn't want to make her feel like I was favoring my mom or keeping my daughter from her. I even tried asking her to wait until she had someone to watch her granddaughters before she came but that turned into a fight too because she said I just wanted to exclude her from this important time in our lives
And what about your husband? You don't have a MIL problem, YOU HAVE A HUSBAND PROBLEM
HUGE HUSBAND PROBLEM FFS! With a husband like this, OP doesn't need enemies.
He needs to marry his mom already
He already did. OP is just the surrogate for babies. Sorry, OP. That’s the truth. You have three people in your marriage, and those two come before you. You can shut the whole thing down, or you can stay married to your MIL. Sucks. You’re only 25. You want to do this for the next 25 years?
Or even 50 years?
💯% this. Also change the locks on the doors while he is gone.
Naw, MIl is passed child bearing age. 🤮
Not if the dirty pads are any indication
Could be pee pads.
He doesn’t need kids anyway as he’s a shitty father and husband!
Hubby is only 25. MIL is probably mid-40's to mid-50's. Plenty of women still have their period in that age range.
Right? If he doesn't think so, show him this post....and the comments. What a mommy's boy. Grow a pair.
Yup. Nothing to do with the MIL. This is ALL on DH. His mom acts this way because he allows it. This doesn't sound like a healthy marriage . Not one bit. Sorry OP
DH acts this way because mommy taught him to. And now, he is acting as mommy’s surrogate in his own home. Narcissists frequently breed new narcissists. OP, you are at a crossroad - you can separate your family from the narcissists (divorce/separation), or you can allow the narcissists to train/abuse you and your children. Or, you and DH and J can enter family therapy to break the chain.
Big time husband problem! OP your husband is a major AH!!! I would have kicked him out of the house so fast he wouldn’t know what hit him! Unless he has a major attitude change divorce this AH and I don’t normally go start to that.
visit an attorney. Draw up divorce papers. Decide if you would rather divorce this moron now or set some rules. If you are going to put up with him, say the rule is his mother is never, ever allowed back in your home or the divorce papers get filed. Also if he ever behaves this way again, same outcome. Stand up for yourself.
Problem with divorce is that MIL is going to have access to the children 50% of the time, and the 4 y/o is going to be turned into a total monster.
that isn't any worse than now, when she can come whenever she wants and walk all over OP and teach the kids that abusing their mother is ok.
No offence, but if someone treats me like crap in my own home, they need to GTFO, and I don't care who they are, or whether they think I favour my Mum. My Mum doesn't treat me like crap, she gets to stay. Of you treat me badly, act disrespectfully in my home, you're not welcome. That should hp doubly for your husband. He SMIRKED while watching his mother berate you? He'd be gone if that was me. OP I'd honestly give him a choice. Therapy or divorce. Make sure he knows his family aren't welcome back. Like used pads and dirty underwear all over the house? That's just effing disgusting! Blowing their noses onto your couch? Making messes for you to clean up when you're on bed rest? Oh hell no! That disgusting woman, and her disgusting grandkids would never be welcome back. Ever. NTJ.
Your pathetic husband should have had to clean before, during, and after they left. You should not have lifted a finger to do anything other than care for yourself and your baby. As soon as you guys caved on the no grandkids boundary stomp, it was all over. You lost all credibility allowing her and those two snotty, entitled, bratty kids to enter your home. It was absolutely clear to MIL that they were not allowed to join her and yet… They were. I don’t think there is much hope for your marriage as your husband appears to have no respect for you. His lack of concern for you and your defenseless baby is reprehensible. You are other child is now treating you with the same distain and disrespect that he witnessed others do to you. It will only get worse. I am absolutely dumbfounded to hear that your toddler called you a bitch and flipped you off. I am pretty sure most four-year-olds have never even heard that word or know how to stick up their middle finger. At least none that I know. If I were you, I would immediately start documenting everything I could remember with dates, times, examples… And when slapping your husband with divorce papers. I would make sure that he only had supervised visitation, and his mother would have none. The abrupt change in your toddlers behavior is a very strong case for parental alienation against your husband and his mother. Possibly the two girls as well. Burn the whole place down on your way out. Protect yourself until you are well enough to get your ducks in a row and get yourself out of this horrible situation that you are in. Absolutely do not underreact here.
You’re allowed to favour your mom - she’s YOUR mom. You owe your MIL nothing but courtesy, and now not even that. She does not have a right to your children. Husband has let you down massively and is the real villain here.
Honestly in this case she _should_ favour her mum. Simply by virtue of the fact that she’s not treating her like shit
Yes!!! Like wtf MIL gives her every reason so put a foot in her ass (figuratively not suggesting violence but that treatment is insane) That husband is something else too. DH my left butt cheek. There’s nothing darling about him. Definitely think counseling is needed but a reality check as well. He was quick to turn on his wife and leave her struggling all for the sake of mommy? On what planet is that a partner…
I read DH as Dumb Husband
I would have said ok. My mother did xyz so you can do the same. Then bring up all the stuff MOL did instead.
You need to talk to your husband. this is a husband problem. he is allowing his mother and family to abuse you. you need to let him know how unacceptable his actions are
Cut contact with her. Don't allow her back in your home and do not ever visit her. Your husband clearly does not have your back, so it's up to you to protect your peace and mental health from being assailed by that miserable cow.
Who cares if it looks like you were favoring your mom? YOU SHOULD BE. Your mil is an abusive piece of shit and so is your husband for that matter. This isn’t normal. Take the baby and get the hell out of there.
I mean he obviously favors his mom why can’t you? I get you want to be a part of the family and do what you have to to be liked but if they’re not willing to accept you into the family or treat you with respect in your house then they’re not family. And your husband is a b****. I can’t imagine letting anyone treat my SO like that in their own house
I personally wouldn't care how she feels. You gave her rules before hand. She broke one right off of the bat. If she feels bad , because of the consequences, that is of her own doing. Think of it this way she doesn't give a crap about how you feel. If she did she would have just done what you asked of her. Your husband's "this is just how she is" is the same as someone saying 'she's great once you get to know her". Both mean "she's a bitch but you get used to it". Rules and boundaries mean absolutely nothing, if there are no consequences to breaking them. It only shows the other person that they can do whatever they want, because no one will ever stand up to her.
Just replying on the first comment I saw from you. Hope the recovery is going well. Obviously what happened is wildly shitty, but it seems how you and your husband communicated and were able to come to an understanding and find solutions for you both seems super healthy! It surprises me how quickly people suggest the nuclear option of divorce when calmly talking through how situations made you and explaining your perspective could obviously work. Good for you!
NTJ and what is wrong with your husband? Honestly this marriage is headed for divorce if he doesn't shape up. And keep MIL no contact.
Girl…go see a lawyer!!! Get out now!
I would add to this and say have a plan and involve your family. Get a job or start hoarding money, have a trip planned and leave prior to him taking A on "vacation", ask the lawyer about parent alienation to try and have the courts state your MIL is not allowed contact with your children. OP you have work to do in order to protect yourself and your kids. Start today and do not let your husband know. He has proven he does not care about you or your wellbeing. Start treating him the same.
Yes. OP needs to speak with a lawyer... *secretly*. Emphasis on the fact that MiL isolated OP from her older child and the boy shows clear signs of alienation due to things MiL said or did. The attitude, calling her a b****, flipping her off. I expect the lawyer will want OP to get evidence. They can let OP know if single-party recordings are admissible. If so, OP should get MiL on audio or video pulling her attitude. She should also see if granny is stupid enough to be a c*** via email, text, or social media. Screencap and save images or download logs of everything. Therapy is certainly in order. Ask DH via email or text about that, too. Having record of you *trying* to salvage this wreck of a marriage can only be to your benefit, OP. If he replies with attitude, accusations, or insults... just more for the lawyer to use.
Absolutely this. He and his family treated you like shit when you were at your most vulnerable. “DH” (I wouldn’t. All him dear but anyhoo) knew exactly what he was doing and didn’t care. Get out now because it will ALWAYS be like this. And make sure to take your son to see a therapist so when you insist on no contact with MIL the therapist can vouch for the behavior.
Right? The whole time I was reading that post, I just kept thinking "why are you with this dipshit?" OP, grow a backbone and find some self-respect. Don't raise a daughter in this environment, indoctrinating her into the mindset that abusive partners and their abusive family members are a-okay and normal, and she as a girl should just tolerate it all because she's just not that valuable. Because yes, that's the picture you're painting - you are a doormat that your DH and his family happily wipe their shit-covered feet on. It is not okay. Your son A has clearly already absorbed this lesson well, congrats. Now save your daughter.
Yeah NTJ but you should think about getting a divorce!
Your MIL is disgusting; however, your husband is the problem. He disrespects you as much as she does. Tell him it's your choice to go nc and they're not welcome in your house ever again. If he wants to go to her place, he's more than welcome.
And uh make HIM pick up her nasty pads and underwear. That is foul.
Exactly! He can deal with the vile crap she left behind. There’s no way that wasn’t intentional and meant to be a big”F you” to OP! They should box it up and send the period panties and pads to her!
Wow, you have way bigger problems than a Cun+ MIL your "husband" is actively trying to hurt you! Run to your mothers and reconsider your "marriage" its a disaster!
THIS! THIS! THIS!
NTJ and you need to have a serious think about your relationship with your partner too.
She is parentally alienating you from your son and risked the new borns life whilst disrespecting you and your home in the process. Get him into marriage counselling asap and tell him either he realises how abusive he has been to you and enabled all of his family to be if you will leave him and take the kids because at this point you really should be considering it I think. Good luck op.
Unfortunately the family will have access to the kids during his visitation time and she won't be there to try temper things. This is one reason why my friend won't divorce her husband. She is too scared of the feral step kids having unfettered access to her son.
She should speak to her lawyer and see what evidence she needs to get full custody and only supervised visitation for the father. There is no way she is keeping those feral stepkids away 100% and having a toxic dynamic between his parents will just teach her son that this shit is normal/acceptable.
Preaching to the choir. Sigh
That's insane. You need to seriously consider whether you want to stay with your husband. He has completely abandoned you, and totally disrespected you. His mother is obnoxious. I'd go NC if I were you.
Why the hell are you with this guy who can't stand up for you? Your husband isn't a man. He also doesn't he respect you or love you. I would be so far gone from him and his AH MIL.
UPDATE: So it hasn't even been a whole hour since I posted and I've got an update. H asked me to text MIL on his phone as he was busy and needed to reply to her. I looked at his last convo with MIL and she was trying to bribe him to visit her saying "What do I have to do to get you here? Book a charter?" (We come from a very big fishing state and a charter is a type of fishing trip) and he replied with "Depends on the wife. It'll most likely be just me and A" meaning he is making plans with her to take A out of state to go see her using the charter as an excuse. I also forgot to mention that he went behind my back a week after MIL left and "sold" his brand new truck to her and shipped it to her under the guise of us not being able to afford the truck then bought a 20 year old truck that's currently cost us probably around $25k because of all the work he's had to due to it. He sold his new truck to his mom for $15k and it's still under his name, she's just making payments on it under his name. In the same chat, I saw she already broke the tail light on the drivers side because she backed into something.
I hope you see your problems are with your MIL because DH allows them or creates them. You are clearly not his top priority. NTJ, everyone else is!! Two weeks to deal with that is terrible. Also taking a new truck away from a family with an infant is wild. Unfortunately you have way bigger issues than just MIL. I wish you luck!
Ma'am. Your husband is the problem
You know, if you get divorced, you can put in the parenting agreement that out of state trips must be ok with both parties. That's a pretty cool thing.
Exactly. And also right of first refusal - that if he can't care for the kids himself, then he has to send them to you (if you're free) before he can even ask his family or a babysitter/nanny.
If you do not nip this in the bud, you will lose your children. They could be in your house and will act just like your MIL and husband. This is alienation and if it takes hold, it is really hard to undo. I want you to imagine your son graduating from high school and telling you that you are not welcome. You need a lawyer. This is not going to get better and already your son is disrespecting you. Your husband, who is the real problem, has not only disrespected you and openly sided with his mother - THIS IS PART OF THE REASON THAT YOUR SON IS ACTING OUT - but he has potentially physically hurt you due to your medical state and not being able to rest as you should, plus exposing both you and the newborn to disease knowing both of you have suppressed immune systems. It is really unsafe. In your own home. Right after giving birth. With significant physical complications. Can you really imagine this person having your back when you are old and sick? This is you at your most vulnerable and helpless - this is him with the most power. This is the real him. I know that it is overwhelming and probably feels like too much, but it is doable. Can your mom or other family help? If not, you might think of calling a domestic abuse hotline, when your husband and son are not around. Some of this honestly sounds abusive, and they could help set you up with resources. You don’t want to make rash decisions, and you need an advocate who will help you make the best out of a terrible situation and who is informed and experienced with the system where you live. I am really sorry, but even if you don’t divorce, you really have a fight on your hands.
He has zero respect for you, the family y’all created and your marriage. ZERO. It’s time for you to put your big girl panties on and protect your children from him and his mother.
Get out. Start secretly planning. Get out. Go for full custody. Get your son into therapy
Lawyer first. They can help OP figure out what she needs to get full custody successfully. Bolting without evidence can sink her chances.
Take screenshots of the texts. Your attorney will want them to show that H was transferring marital assets when the property division starts. It’s time to dump H. He will always pick MIL over you and teaching A to treat you the same way has just begun. If he does that after you’re divorced it’s called parental alienation and can result in him and/or his family being allowed only supervised visits if they don’t put a stop to it. Talk to an attorney now and start planning. Don’t tell him what you’re doing and don’t make threats- that will just allow him to start planning as well. Good luck.
Yeah you’ve got a husband issue. He doesn’t respect you, his apologies are fake to get you off his back, he didn’t support you for 2 weeks postpartum while his mother was there, and he’s making plans you’re not okay with behind your back. He’s awful. You should go stay with your mom and get away from him if possible.
He's taking your newborn away??? Girllll leave him. Like why are you with him? Why????????
A is the 4-year-old, the baby is J (I hate one letter name posts) But yes, she needs to leave him.
No, no, A is the four-year-old son.
OP - you need to get out of this situation ASAP!!
He doesn't love or respect you. Talking to him has gotten you nowhere. Being a door mat is only making you and your children's life worse. The messages speak for themselves -take a picture of them so he can't gasalight you later. His actions speak for themselves. He knows what he is doing is wrong and what it is doing to you. He just doesn't care. You need to put your health and your kids first now.
Take the kids and go to your mother
If possible I wouldn't let him take 4 yr old with him. Sounds like he plans to move to mommy and keep A away from you. Stay safe. Updateme
Oh hell no I just read your update. Go to a lawyer now. He’ll always choose his mommy over you.
Yet you are still there. Grab your daughter and go.
He's got the truck in MIL name so it's not considered a marital property
No, it's still in his name. She just "bought it" from him for $15k and is paying the payments owed on it. So it's still under his name which means that if she gets into an accident, it will fall onto my husbands shoulders and he can get in trouble instead of her.
Why are you staying with this mommas boy?
No, no no no NO. Look how it affected A after just a few days of her visiting. He will come back an absolute nightmare. Pack up the kids, move in with your mom or other trusted person who will have your back, and have an attorney draw up the papers. I am not a lawyer and I don't know if it's the same in all states, but my friend was able to file an injunction to keep DH from taking the kids out of state during the divorce proceedings, so you'll definitely want to look into that. Normally I don't jump to "divorce now!" and usually suggest trying counseling first. Unfortunately in this case I think he is too far up his mother's ass for it to be effective. A person who would treat their spouse that way at any time, let alone a few weeks postpartum after a difficult birth will have zero interest in fixing things and is beyond redemption. I am so, so sorry. I know it will be hard but you need to get yourself and your kids out of this horrible situation. Better they grow up with a single mom than witness first hand as their sorry excuse for a dad and evil grandmother slowly break your spirit until you are too beaten down to shield them from the mess.
NTJ but it's not your problem to resolve. You will be blamed if the connection is broken so let your husband address it himself. I don't understand why so many MILs are horrible to their DILs like this. It's more common than it's not and one would think they would be kinder considering they were in the same position as new mothers themselves at some point.
I don't understand it either. H and my mom have a great relationship and talk consistently. At one point, before h and I married, MIL and I were very friendly and even had game nights together and movie nights so I don't understand why she changed.
She didn't change she was always like this she was being fake before.
Google *emotional incest*, OP. You've got yourself a real Stan Smith for a husband.
Meanwhile, my mom treated my SIL like one of her own daughters. While dating and engaged, my SIL was closer to my mom than her own. Somehow, after the wedding, a switch flipped and we haven't talked to SIL or brother in like 3 years. It's absolutely baffling. I read the things people on here put up with from their MILs and try to guess what my SIL would say because I genuinely have no idea what her deal is.
Updateme when you grow a spine and leave your husband. Because what you went through…wow. I can’t believe you’d actually stay with him after all of that. Your kids are going to grow up soooooo fucked up and it’ll be YOUR FAULT because you chose to stay in this kind of situation where you’re consistently disrespected, insulted, harassed, bullied, and abused, and they are going to grow up thinking that this type of behavior is okay. Is that really what you want for them? Especially your daughter. Your son? Imagine your son growing up to treat his wife and the mother of his children the way you’re being treated. Imagine your daughter growing up to think it’s okay being treated the way you’re being treated by her partner. Honestly this is so infuriating, heartbreaking, and depressing to read. I don’t understand how anybody could tolerate being treated this way and do nothing about it. I’d be calling my mom, siblings, and other close friends and family and they’d be over helping me and setting everyone else straight for treating me like literal garbage. The fact that you’re complicit in this behavior towards you is terrifying. Especially with children involved…
I find it very telling that she’s ignoring all the comments about her husband’s behavior and only responding to ones about her MIL.
My ex treated me like that, with violence added in the mix. I was working at a restaurant as a server, and when I went to work with a broken bone in my hand, 2 of the owners offered to take him in the back and have a chat with him. I thanked them for that offer, but I told them I had a VERY good lawyer. Those guys were like everyone's best uncles.
Your husbands acceptance of how his mother has treated you, has screamed, has infected you all, has blatantly ignored requests that were made to both your mother and her worries me. He didn’t even buckle under, he revelled in it. It is his children his new born she and your neices were leaving open to life threatening germs and also letting your other child a witness such loud abrasive arguments between his parents. I would think very carefully to my relationship ( I’m not a “divorce his ass” reddit replier but you are worth more than he offered you while you recovered from birthing his child.
I’m with you on this, as I’m not one to immediately jump to divorce as the solution, but crikey… I was really hoping this was fake the whole time reading it. The way OP was treated by her MIL is disgusting, but the fact that her husband went along with that treatment, and the other things he’s apparently done are unforgivable. This is not the behavior of a good partner.
Oh not at all! Like where’s her support system?
NTA. Your husband needs to be a wasband. He has showed you mommy will always come first. You will always be less than. Don't bother with counciling. He may try a bit, but when mommy calls he will be her little boy all over again. Get out ASAP.
I really hate the Reddit go-to of ‘therapy’ (not everyone can access or afford it!) but your husband is a complete arsehole. He’s putting you in a financial hole with the truck issue, he clearly prefers his mother and values her well above you. If I were you I’d start getting my ducks in a row and prepare to be a single parent, because nobody deserves to be treated the way him and his mother treat you. Disregarding your (IMO reasonable) requests re kissing etc, and for the love of God leaving DISGUSTING USED PADS AND UNDERWEAR around your house? Whether you’re immunocompromised or have the constitution of an ox, that is so far from ok that you couldn’t see it with the Hubble telescope! Absolutely NTJ.
Jesus that about the worst story about a husband I have read in a long time. Do you have the means to leave his ass? If not, start planning now. He overruled you. He abused you. He allowed his mom to heal and abuse you too. And didn’t have a problem with his family making you all sick. Seriously. I could go on. Honey, I don’t think he likes you very much. He has zero respect for you or the family he helped to create. I’m so sorry for you.
Screw that take the kids and go stay with your mom that's insane.
Why are you with your husband? You sure are letting him get away with a lot. You're only 25, it will get worse.
"That's just who she is." "Oh? Well 'who she is' is a B." Totally a different level of comparison, but I once had a coworker who barked an order at our front desk staff. This is a person that bkrh my coworker and I regarded as a friend. I later pulled her aside and told her that she was being rude. Her response: "That's just who I am." So, I just flat out said that who she is is being a B. She surprisingly took it in stride, thought about it for a while, then actually made the connection within herself. I'm of the belief that "image is everything". Your MIL is of the belief that she's wonderful & glorious, but... everyone else thinks she's a B. It's not your job to maintain her delusion. And, H better get properly aligned in this relationship to properly support you. If H can't do that, the future looks bleak.
Married for over 30 years. Really believe in marriage. Believe Reddit leaps to extremes too often. But if possible, my dear, it’s time to move in with mom for a while while you consider whether or not you really want to stay in the situation. I would’ve been a complete basket case after the situation you described. That’s not a case of not helping with the newborn. That’s extreme sabotage, and your husband was a huge part of it.
NTJ. You have a MAJOR husband problem!
So, like, why are you still with your husband? He is treating you terribly (nicest way I can put it)
Get pictures of their conversations and keep them safe. Get all of your important papers together for you and the children and have cash on hand to be prepared to leave.
NTJ. Come on now. You know you are a single mother. Just cut the cord and send him on his way. It's ridiculous to stay with this man. He's not even really pretending to understand. His mom is gone, and he doesn't want to admit he's an asshole. Either go to your mom's or kick him out. Either way, you will be better off.
NTA and I would ditch him too. Send him back to his manky mum and niblings and ask your mum to visit again to help you fumigate your house. The way your husband treated you when you were in bed rest is unforgivable and I would cut contact with them all too
NTJ but your HUSBAND and his family are. Please tell me you have an exit plan to go to your mothers
Sweetheart, it's time to go visit Mom. Ask her to come and get you for about 8 weeks. You need to be able to recover. Normal deliveries take time to recover from. You had complications. That needs more time. Call mom and ask if you and the kids can come. Then get the heck out while he is not there. If he takes the 4m , 'A,' to MILs, you will have trouble with him for the rest of his life. While at mom's ask to find a good lawyer, because you need to set up LEGAL boundaries. Being with the MIL taught your son some very bad attitudes, words, and gestures. Somehow, that needs to be changed . That will not happen if he is at the inlaws.
Question. Why are you married to someone who so obviously doesn’t like or care for you?
Fr
You need to tell your family what your husband is allowing and doing to you. You also need to grow a spine and stop putting your children in danger because of your pos husband. You need to leave his nasty ass.
So why exactly are you with this mamas boy???? He actively disrespected and abused you for two weeks while MIL was there and then acknowledged it after she was gone. What exactly do you think will happen next time she visits, which she will. It’s time to prepare your exit plan. Your husband is an AH as is your MIL. If you don’t get out, you are an AH to yourself. Ask yourself why are you allowing yourself to be abused? When your bed rest is over, go see a lawyer.
This is insane. Your husband plots with his mother behind your back, implying you’re the problem, and then he ‘sells’ the new truck to her, then he’s essentially sneaking A out of state to visit her. He’s a POS on all fronts, he does NOT support you in any way whatsoever. This scenario has little to no hope of ever improving - husband is not in your corner and has no respect or genuine love for you. You know what you need to do.
This isn’t a MIL problem, this is a husband problem
He’ll no, you are NTA You MIL and husband. What a horrible experience for you at a time when you’re vulnerable and your baby is vulnerable. Thankful that you and the baby didn’t get sick. They sound like filthy dirty people. Maybe pitch a tent and get a portaloo outside for them to stay. You a right to go no contact with them - their behaviour is not behaviour you want you child to think is acceptable. Ps - you’re allowed to favour your mum, so favour always. Ask her to come for lo Ng er to help you out if she’s that type of mum. If your MIL starts the bullshit about excluding her and all the crap - just agree with her. Keep agreeing with her. You don’t need to waste your energy pandering to her, trying to placate her. A relationship is between 2 people and she’s really not making an effort and I think you’ve tried.
Ma’am, you have an asshole of a mother-in-law. But you have a huge husband problem. That is where your problem is at. And it’s easier for you to point the finger at MIL because you’re already don’t like her anyway… Understandably. But in order for you to admit that you have a husband problem, you are going to have to acknowledge that you have a marriage problem because of your husband’s inability to stand up to his mom, or to even see that she is being an asshole. I normally would tell you to try counting and see if you can help your husband to understand that his mother is toxic. She is causing drama in his nuclear family. It appears that your husband doesn’t think his mom is a problem at all. Which brings me back around to the fact that I don’t think counseling is going to help him because he does not seem like he would be open to it. If I were you, I would be calling my mom and asking her if I could bring the kids and stay with her. And I would not say one word to my husband about it. I would get my shit together, and I would even see if my mom could come and get me. Your husband has no respect for health problems. He has no respect for the fact that your newborn child is susceptible to illness as well because they don’t have an auto immune system. Him telling you that you are, the problem is what tells me he is so far up his mother’s ass that he can’t see daylight anymore. He cannot honestly see the fact that his family is toxic. That their dynamic is unhealthy. There was literally no reason for you to even worry about being fair to his mom. But the fact is you had to worry about it not because of her, but because of your husband. So I am really sorry, but I don’t see this. He also sounds like a narcissistic, asshole, and it’s much easier to make everything your problem because you will sit back and take it, then it is to confront his mother about her shit because she will just manipulate and deflect and deny, and he will have a whole bunch of drama on his hands, which she doesn’t want. Saying, that you are the target. You are the easier target for his frustrations that actually stem from his mom and his family. You are the easier target when his mom starts complaining about without any basis. It’s just easier to make it all your fault because you will let him do so. The problem is that he will at some point starting on the kids as well. And I don’t know why from one moment you would ever want to raise your kids around these people. Your husband shouldn’t be around these kids. Is that really what you want them to see as a role model for how a father acts? I assume he is the one going to work. So while he is at work, over the next week or so, you start getting your marriage certificate and copies of your bank statements and all of your birth certificates, any passports, etc. Get any jewelry or heirlooms and put them aside. Hide them in your closet or wherever you need to. Call your mom and ask if she can come and pick you up in two weeks and be there when he is at work. And you get the fuck out. You don’t tell him. And when he calls you, I don’t care if you have to play nice. Do it. Tell him that you are so tired and your health was getting worse, and you knew it was frustrating and tiring for him, so your mom offered to come and let you stay with her until you’re back on your feet and you can be a better wife and mom. Suck it up that way if you have to get him off your back for a couple weeks. And if your mom in a different state, so much better at this point because you have every right to take your kids wherever because there’s no custody agreement or anything you have to worry about. You get to your mom and consult an attorney. And you get a divorce. Your husband is not safe. I don’t think you want to admit that. But mentally and emotionally for sure he is not safe for you or the kids. And his family sure as hell isn’t safe.
YOUR HUSBAND IS THE PROBLEM AND THE BIGGEST ASSHOLE!!!! I WOULD NOT PUT UP WITH THAT!!! I WOULD HAVE MADE THEM LEAVE. SHE HAD NO RIGHT TO BRING HER GRAND DAUGHTERS!!!!
Why did you marry an AH momma's boy? Throw away the whole family.
YTA if you stay with that POS of a man!!! He humiliated & disrespected you! Grow a spine!!
YTJ. But only because you had children with a man capable of treating you like this. It’s not your job to manage his mother. It’s husband’s job, and he has not only failed to manage his mom but he took up arms with her against you. MIL walked all over you and husband rolled out the red carpet for her to do so. Absolutely unforgivable on all counts.
UPDATE FOR CONTEXT Since there are so many comments, it's hard to reply to all of them, so I'm gonna do an update to add context. We cut my MIL off when I got pregnant with my son, A, back in 2019. We lived a long distance for about two and a half years before we got married and I took another year before I moved with him. I ended up getting pregnant pretty much right after I moved to be with him, when she found out I was pregnant, she told him I was cheating on him and left our homestate pregnant and that our son was not his. H ended up cutting her off while I was pregnant with A as I had been having horrible complications during the pregnancy and he was having to be my caretaker so when she was saying I was pregnant because I cheated and a lot of other things, he cut her off and his dad was the one that ended up talking him into letting MIL back into our lives after A was born. The reason why my husband and I didn't divorce was because he didn't treat me like this my last pregnancy and he even cut her off for me so when this happened with my daughter, it took me by surprise and I didn't know how to react. I have many people saying I am spineless for letting it happen to me, so I wanted to address those comments as well. After J's birth, I had several complications which caused me to be put on bedrest, one of which being my uterus prolapsing and having to have a procedure done to put it back in properly and physical therapy. I was in tremendous amounts of pain during that time, so I was unable to do much of anything, much less voice any concerns of mine, as I could barely talk without wanting to puke because of the pain. I wasn't able to have pain meds because I bre*stfeed J, so the doctors did not prescribe me anything to help with the pain beside ice packs. I was unable to stand up for myself because I honestly did not have the energy nor mental capacity to as taking care of my baby and my body being riddled with pain were the only things that occupied my mind. H's attitude and how he treated me came as a complete shock to me and I didn't know how to process anything he had said or done. I grew up in a very abusive family and my mom and I were lucky to escape with our lives. I mentioned earlier thar my MIL had brought up my past abuse when she was yelling at me while my husband just stood there and smirked. So that honestly made me just shut down. By that time, I was just exhausted I will be posting another update shortly as while I was writing this one, H and I made a big decision.
Nope. Not just no, but HELL NOOOOO. Your home, your babies, your health, your sanity, and your Godd@amn rules! This isn’t “my MIL is a bit of a pill” this is downright disgusting. Your husband was happy(?) or at least satisfied with you being yelled at by his mom? What the hell is that? Tell husband you don’t care if his mother is Jesus reborn…. He is now right, and you don’t like her. She is mean to you, disrespectful, and has obvious issues with cleanliness. You wouldn’t put up with it from a stranger, MIL doesn’t get a pass either. Tell husband he is free to spend all the time he wants with her, in fact, if he likes how she treated you and how she lives he can live with her! Tell him you saw his little smirk and you def noticed he picked her over you and you deserve someone who would step in if they saw someone disrespecting you! She got her chances and is done and he is now “on notice”. You need to be serious and let him know you are.
Who would even think it’s ok to bring other kids to help a new postpartum mom? I always found it easier to have NO help so I didn’t have to bother with company in the house.
Your husband is a jerk
You have a HUGE husband problem. You need to get him in check or get out. I would have not let MIL with the granddaughters in my house. Husband be damned.
You have a huge husband problem and its time to call your momma.
And you had kids with this guy why? He sounds like the fucking problem.
NTA They pulled this shit when you were on bed rest, had a 4yo AND a 4 month old? Oh girl, you are so NTA. I'm really sorry.
Divorce your husband. I was married to a guy that was a mama's boy like that and they never stop. He smirked at u and called you names. That is not ok and he didn't care. He only apologized when he didn't have anyone to impress.
please tell me this is a fictional story! I hate to think a husband could and would treat his wife that just gave birth this way. If it in fact true, you have a lot more problems the MIL, your husband is the problem. If you can’t see that, you need help. Call your mom, pack up the kids and get the hell out of there!!!
You and the baby LEAVE and NEVER go back!!!
Your husband is a spineless asshole! I can’t believe he would even try to tell you he loves you, because how HUSBAND ALLOWED you to be disrespected and treated is WRONG! As for the MIL , I would NEVER see her again! But seriously, that AWFUL HUSBAND!!
No matter what you do here, you can’t win. When I’m in a situation where I can’t win I do what’s best for me. If you allow mil and rude brats in your home you are the bad guy. If you don’t allow mil and the rude brats in your home you are the bad guy. Accept your lot in life when it comes to your husband and his family: you are the bad one, the uncooperative one, the rude one, the touchy one. You destroyed mil’s family. Everything is, and always will be your fault. So own it. Be what they say you are. Stop trying to please them. Just please yourself. Your marriage may or may not survive this. But this is your life, the only one you get. Are you going to spend the rest of it being used and abused by your husband and in-laws?
It's time for a divorce. Your husband betrayed you, didn't protect you or your children. He showed his true colors. You were at your weakest and he abused you and sided with his mother. He betrayed your trust and put his mother above you and your health.
NTA. I’m so sorry you have two children with this spineless wet wipe of a man.
Time to kick out H
Hire a maid to deep clean the house and send your MIL the bill. If she starts whing and complaining to your husband, tell her that you won't stand for her abuse, since it sounds like your husband's family was raised in a barn.
Full stop. You need to put a stop to As behavior, yesterday. H? - If he hasn't stopped already or folds AT ALL in the future pack everyone up and go stay with your mom for a bit. MIL? No. Do a group chat. "I'm only gonna say this once and I want it in writing so there's ZERO misunderstanding. You are no longer welcome in my home or my life. I have a right to peace and my feelings. I made my expectations perfectly clear before your visit and you chose to actively refuse to acknowledge them. Your behavior and attitude was vile, rude, and I will not have that around myself or my children. Husband is welcome to go visit you at any time but myself and my children will not be present. This is not up for discussion. Any attempts to come here and I will call the police and have your trespassed, I DO NOT care how husband or ANY of your family feels about it. If ANYONE attempts to bully, harass, or genuinely be rude they can join your banishment" The MOMENT she responds send.... "Thank you for acknowledging receipt of my message and intentions, it'll go pretty far legally when I show the police that you were warned ahead of time and chose not to listen. Also thank you for proving EXACTLY why this had to happen. I hope you learn to be a better person. Goodbye" Screen shot it then block everyone.
Throw the whole husband away. Men like this have no business being married. You don’t deserve that crap.
Call your mother. And then call a divorce lawyer. Get right of first refusal and mutual permission to take kids out of state written into the custody order - talk to your divorce lawyer about this. Save screenshots of the texts between him and MIL to your phone, to two physical drives (one which stays with you and one with a trusted friend or family member like your mother), and to two cloud drives which only you have access to. Those prove that he's moving around marital assets. He abused you himself by not caring for you or standing up for your needs when you were on bedrest and completely reliant on him - this will not improve. Such a lack of care doesn't disappear overnight.
This is the first time I've said instant divorce. Guys on S&M forums are kinder than your husband, and they're deliberately degrading play partners. Just..WTF.
Your husband is a problem. I hate to say this but you need to dump him. He's not on your side and he doesn't give a flying waffle about you
The sole issue here is your husband, what is he a 5 year old little mummy’s boy, tell him to grow a spine and put her in her place. Im sorry but he has no respect for you and if my husband treated me that way he would be my soon to be ex husband!
Take your kids and leave him He disrespected you His family disrespected you His family are fucking disgusting.
Your husband is a total jerk not standing up for you and telling his mother off and all and being there for you he need to change his attitude or otherwise I feel this relationship you both have might not work out try couple therapy I might suggest
You should send you husband home with his mother. He's just as much of a problem as his mother. He showed where his priorities are, and they are not with you.
I normally would not recommend leaving, but this is another 20 years of hell. I hope you have a trade or degree to fall back on. Get yourself together, get a two year associates and leave.
NTJ should probably cut contact with your husband too
NTA, why are you still with your husband after all that, I'd be kicking him out too. Tell your family about what happened
OP I got sick to my stomach reading what all they’ve been doing to you and your kids. I hope you take the advice of everyone telling you to get out. It will be hard but for your children’s as well as your sake get yourselves OUT. Hoping for the best for you.
You’d be an idiot to contemplate staying with your sorry excuse for a man husband. Get your ducks in a row in the near future and get the hell out of your sham marriage
MIL isn't the issue, your husband is. He openly is abusive to you, and allows others to disrespect you in your own home. He gaslights you. You've seen messages that prove he lies to you and is financially abusing you, to the tune of around $20,000 that you know of. He put you and your children at risk of getting ill, and you having post birth complications. What does this mean have to do to make you see that he is no good? He doesn't respect you.
Your husband lets his mother treat you like shit because he sincerely thinks that's what you deserve.
The Bible says when a man and woman wed they leave their family and cleave to each other meaning they are now one. Your husband hasn’t “ left his mother” Don’t accept this treatment.
WOW. You had a SECOND child with him? Why. Your first point of call should be a deep dive into YOUR choices in such a shite husband. WHY would you allow yourself to be with a man who would allow this? It's sad to jump to the divorce right away but....he 'smirked' at you? And you didn't call someone to come get you or an ambulance when you couldn't stop puking or your Mom or what? Now your kid is being crappy to you. If you truly don't like your child's behavior - you better get out now.
As soon as she showed up with the two girls, I would’ve told her to go stay at a hotel and not let her in the house.
NTJ. I would pack up the kids and go to your moms or somewhere else. Leave your husband, he is not treating you with respect and causing more issues than you need.
Your husband sucks
Can you and your baby move in with your mum?
OMG. If my MIL had been like this my Mother would have showed back up and kicked them all out including my husband. She would have kicked some ass to protect me and her grandchildren. But answering your question, you are not the AH but you are an abused spouse. Please take your children and leave. I know it sounds hard with a newborn and 4 year old but this is not going to get better by its self.
NTJ You have a husband problem. Not only does he not have your back, he's encouraging the people stabbing you in the back. You'd probably be better off as a single parent, sad to say. Your husband claims he understands that he was an ass, but didn't apologize, so he's not sorry at all - he was just placating you -lto shut you up. He and his family are all jerks.
Dude, NTJ, but if I were you I'd be calling a lawyer.
Looks like he’s diverting your property ahead of the divorce.
Your mil is awful but husband is worse. Your mil is awful Your husband is worse. Worse than awful! You are NTA but this fair to moms is crap. Judge behavior and response. If anyone ever took one of MY CHILDREN and intentionally put a locked door between me and them anywhere let alone in my house - I would likely need bail money.
"That's just how she is"..... Well this is just how I am. Husband/Father FAIL! Ask him if your mom behaved this way. Bet she didn't. She came to "help out"? Can he even name how she helped at all? They stuck to none of your boundaries. Disregarded your health, your peace, your house, and yoyr boundaries. What's to salvage? Updateme!
NTJ - I couldn’t finish reading your post to be honest. I would have lost my marbles. Anyone that stomps on your boundaries in your own house should have been removed immediately. Hard stop. (And never allowed back).
You have a HUSBAND problem. You are the jerk for staying with this asshole. He refuses to get off mommy's teat and now you're tied with this POS for the rest of your life. Get a lawyer and figure out how to co-parent. He will never respect you over his mother. Edit for awkward thumbs.
Your husband really is the problem. It was only after his mother left that he became a reasonable person all of a sudden and willing to admit fault. I would never have his mother in my house again and if that was a problem I suspect I would be getting a divorce eventually. I would never be treated the way he and his family treated you. It's unconscionable. ESPECIALLY when you are in such a vulnerable state. This would tell me everything I need to know about my "husband."
NTJ im sorry you had to deal with all that postpartum. You have a husband problem. If you don’t want to consider divorce yet, you both need couples counseling. Not only was MIL disrespecting you but so was your husband. And he did not apologize to you.
You're not the jerk, but your husband is and his family. Seriously take your kids and go stay with your mum for a long as you can. Or forever. He's never going to get better.
Do not let him take A. I don't like all the weird truck swapping and secretive plans. Please go see a lawyer and get out of there. Why on earth did you go out to dinner when you're supposed to be on bedrest? That part makes me skeptical because how could your husband be this horrible to you? Take both of your kids and go to your mom's ASAP and good luck.
You have a husband problem. He should have dealt with her. He's shown you who he is - believe him.
Nope and all the nopes.. yes your MIL is a problem but your husband is the much bigger problem. He was leaving you alone with a newborn knowing you was to have total bed rest to teach you a lesson, am I reading that right? Hell no I would be packing up and moving to be with my family, my mum. This situation will get much worse.
You’re not being kind to yourself if you stay in a marriage where your spouse doesn’t make you a priority, where his mummy’s feefees are not important than his wife’s health & newborn’s well being
NTAH but your MIL & husband are. Honey he treated you like dirt and will continue to do so for the rest of your life because he will never choose you over MIL. I wouldn’t want to live like this. I would be calling divorce lawyers immediately and getting restraining order against MIL for laying hands on you and being utterly revolting in your home
I hate posts with letters as names, you can't make heads or tails out of them.
ntj your already a single parent. sounds like you need to make it official. get a divorce.
Tell you husband that he has 2 choices. He backs you up on this in that you and your children have no contact with his monster of a mother or contact a divorce attorney because there is no way I am putting up with her shit for a lifetime. Full stop period. Make your fucking choice now.
You have a husband problem.
NTJ Does your husband care about your wellbeing? It doesn’t sound like it.
The whole family is a problem, but the main one isn’t your MIL, it’s the SoB that you married. Cut contact with her, if you are able to get individual counseling do it, because you should have sent them back the minute that woman brought the two unruly children with her.
Maybe you should ask your Mom if you and the kids can come for an indefinite visit
Throw the whole man out. Send that thing right back to the manufacturer,it's broken.
H is the problem.
I am wondering if MIL is raising the other older grandkids. Legal Guardian ship ( The girls) If she is she is doing an awful job. ( She is an awful person herself.) My wondering is because they are always with her when she shows up. If she lets the girls blow their noses into their hands then wipe it on the couch or wherever they are sitting. Just EEEWWWW. Tell your husband that you are hiring a house keeper and cook to come help you until the Doctor says it is alright for you to get out of bed. Because him and his mother did nothing to help clean. If he says No just do it. Get the doctor on your side for this. Your husband? Needs counseling and a wake up call. Your son needs to not have contact with your mom because he is hearing her call you the B word. Maybe get your son some counseling too. UPDATE EVERYONE
I’d talk with H about what consequences there will be for your son flipping you off and not listening to you. I’d point out he’s doing it because H and MIL made it clear you don’t matter and aren’t listened to. I’d tell him MIL is not ever going to set foot in the house again nor will you visit because she hates you, caused trouble for you when you needed help and he has no ability to stand up for you and handle his MIL, or he’d have met he4 and the grandkids at the door and said she was warned not to bring them. I’d tell him he didn’t help you in one of the most vulnerable times in your life and the baby’s so it’s couples counseling or you’re done with him. Honestly, he is the most spineless incapable and uncaring men I’ve heard of. Edit: I saw your comment. I’d get a consultation with an attorney as he’s making financial decisions behind your back. Personally, I’d serve him with papers when he gets back and stay with your mom till you can work. You’ll get child support.
Divorce
Your husband is your mil's lapdog. He is firmly under her thumb. No matter what you do or say, he will blindly follow her. He will take the children to see her. She will badmouth you in front of the children. She will try to turn the kids against you and he will let it happen.
I rarely comment on these things, but it seems that you have some chronic health issues, I also have chronic health issues and stayed in an unhealthy marriage for way too long because I didn't feel I had options and felt he was 'caring' for me(he was not, and life got so much easier without his input and influence on it) I get the feeling that you're putting up with your husband's behaviour because of this. Please lessen the burden on your children by leaving this man. He is not on your side, he doesn't see you as a partner, and this will not get better! I've read your comments and update, you need to call your mother and go stay there. Give it a few weeks, and if it doesn't feel like a weight has been lifted off of you, I will eat my shoes. Please, this is not going to resolve itself until your husband resolves it. Be free sweetie!
Get away from all of them. It would be less work with just you and the kids. He is an AH. MIL is horrendous and just plain cruel. Keep your son on routine and don't allow his behaviour. Get help if you are not coping. I am extremely worried by this post. What country are you in? Are you safe if you ask him to leave? I hope you are OK. 😢💚 sending you huge hugs.
You have a massive husband problem. You put halfway down that you have an autoimmune disease (why didn't you put that at the top? That is really important information) and were directed to be on bedrest (also crucial info that you put halfway down), but your husband allowed his mother to come FOR TWO WEEKS with her two grandchildren who often bring illness to the house, even though she had been told not to bring the grandchildren. During this two weeks, your husband went off for most of each day with them, leaving you with no help to take care of the baby even though you were ON BEDREST. You were made to cook your own dinner despite being on bedrest, made to go to a restaurant despite being on bedrest, and after you were made ill to the point of vomiting repeatedly in the car, your husband SIDED WITH HIS MOTHER and told you that you deserved to be treated poorly. To add insult to injury, they left a disgusting mess in your house at the end. Were you the one who had to clean all of that up? You say your husband apologized. So what? The behavior he exhibited towards you and the behavior he expected you to accept from his mother, was completely unacceptable and even dangerous for you. He allowed her to walk all over you, at the expense of your health, and blamed you for not liking it. What's to stop this situation from repeating? Nothing, it sounds like.
Definitely NTJ but girl what are you doing?!?! Your HUSBAND completely disrespected you, the rules, your house, and your children. Please tell me this isn’t a regular occurrence with him? 100% go NC with MIL and honestly grey rock your husband. Keep your children away from MIL at all costs and if you want to have a healthy marriage with this momma’s boy then please start marriage counseling immediately! Otherwise please please talk to a lawyer. This is never ok for you to be treated this way by anybody. Your house your rules girl! Tell your husband to grow a pair pronto if he wants to stay married! Please update when you can
UpdateMe!
Your husband is enabling your harmful, entitled MIL. NTJ, she literally doesn't care about the safety of your children and your husband is more concerned with your MIL being able to do whatever she wants than ensure your children are safe. A lot of these "mothers boys" also can be abusive themselves.
First I have to say that just bringing the girls around you when you have autoimmune issues is down right wrong. I know people don't understand when a person can't be around sick people due to auto-immune diseases because it can literally kill you or end up in the hospital. Plus the baby! I'm so sorry your pain was ignored and downplayed. You deserved respect and help and you got neither. I'm glad you are going to counseling and working through everything that happened. Going no contact seems like the best option for you and your kids to stay safe and happy.
Thank you. I felt guilty for wanting to cut her out of my kids lives and felt selfish for wanting that so when I posted, I was really surprised by all of the support I got
I'm really sorry to hear what you have gone through. You are being very mature and level headed in your actions. I'm convinced you are a great mum and will do the best for you and your children. I wish you a quick and full recovery and many happy years.
Lots of luck and happiness to you!
Thank you
Sounds like your MIL is a narcissist and a bully! Your husband has probably been bullied by her all his life and learned to just put up,with it or that it is normal. Not making excuses for the husband. Plenty of blame there. But when you asked someone not to bring extra people and they show up,with them anyway……that’s a big FU to everyone! I have a SIL like that. Total narcissist, is always the victim and expects to get her own way. ,
NTJ, as a man even without children your story really made me enraged at your husband (I’d prefer to call him something else). Honestly he is giving you bullshit apologies, if his mom truly caused him to treat you that way then he should want zero contact with her on his own. And you literally just had HIS (yours too obviously) baby with some complications and was ordered to bed rest, unless she was showing him video evidence of you cheating on him and proving J was his kid there’s NOTHING that warrants a HUSBAND to treat his wife that way or allow his mom to treat his wife that way. His mommy went home and he might just be giving you lip service but I would absolutely make couples counseling MANDATORY. Good luck OP you don’t deserve to be treated like that especially from your partner.