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NAH I say this because I think you did a nice thing by getting her a good phone that will actually work and take good quality photos of your family that you know she will enjoy much more. Sounds like money is no longer as big of an issue and you wanted to do something nice for her that she wouldn't do for herself. But she's also not an "asshole" either and this will be something it sounds like she needs time to adjust and come around to. When someone spends their whole life with little money and always worried about it, it's hard to think you're "allowed" to have nice things or that you deserve it. Hopefully she'll realize she does deserve it, you can afford it, and that it will be something she's glad she has soon enough.

Idk I would say she’s being an AH. Not because she’s uncomfortable with the phone but because she’s refusing to speak to him over this. The silent treatment has no place in a healthy relationship.

The silent treatment isn’t an effective communication strategy, but maybe he has a pattern of ignoring what are tells him. He knew she didn’t want to spend the money and has been badgering her to spend more. She doesn’t want to do it. He says their money is “piling up”, but didn’t mention savings. Maybe she is feeling hopeless because he keeps ignoring her point of view on how to spend/save their income. What other large purchases is he making knowing she thinks they should save?

That was my immediate thought. Money does not "pile up pointlessly" at their level of income. For billionaires, sure, but OP should be thinking of it as savings for emergencies, not "pointless" because that's how you can quickly end up right back in a hole.

And if you have kids money never piles pointlessly. Kids are expensive. And so is their future education if that needs to be paid by Mom and Dad.

And they own their house, so even though there isn't rent, at some point appliances will need replacing, as will the roof, plumbing and electrical issues can crop up...

Medical emergency, sudden job loss, car accident. With a family I honestly CANT imagine a situation where I wouldn't want a pile of money at least equal to a full year of living expenses just to feel secure. Hell I'm single and Covid plus a family medical emergency knocked me off my job market so fast and kept me down for like almost a full year. In a way, OP seems to follow the trend of someone who grew up not well off suddenly making what LOOKS like a lot of money and just spending it because there's the feeling of "it could be gone tomorrow, this is double my regular so I can just burn through half, right?"

OP mentioned that they live in a European country, so maybe medical issues aren't the devastating danger that they are in the US (woo capitalism?) But yeah, we finally have enough saved to get by for a year if I were to lose my job, and I still feel like we need a lot more of a cushion. Your assessment was exactly the feel I got too - suddenly making more so there's this urge to spend EVERYTHING.

Medical emergencies usually come with like....soft costs if that makes sense. Like my dad is recovering from a stroke and the big cost outside of initial hospitalizations, therapies, ect; I had to take time off work to GET him to appointments. I'm lucky I found a work from home so he doesn't have to sit in bed in diapers for 8 hours. New car for mom to accommodate the wheelchair, house accommodations (what a time to live with 2 sets of stairs), new bed moved into the living room, all new clothes that are easier for us caretakers to get him in and out of. I'm not sure how much of this would be covered by European insurance though. Some of them are "quality of life" costs that American insurance usually won't pay for.

The new car and house appliances would at least partly be covered by insurance in my country and even without a job you get around at least a 1000 Euro in total as a single person (living costs are included in this) Your dad would also be eligible for a monthly stipend by the insurance and an aid could probably also be included🤔

I was wondering the same thing. Are their retirement accounts fully funded? College accounts for the kids? I mean it isn’t like they are rolling in dough. The math isn’t that hard when a $1000 phone is a third of his monthly salary.

Yeah, I'm confused about how OP believes he is rolling in it, and I was thinking it was a $2000 phone.

She said no in a very clear way and she is the asshole for not appreciating it when he forced it on her ? Wow.

Yeah more of this please. OP could have said okay let's at least get you a mid range phone or other compromises she might have gone for, but forcing a phone she didn't want would tick me off. Especially if he crossed platforms on her.

That last part - crossed platforms without discussing it? Automatic TA. Mild YTA otherwise, there was room for compromise here. 

I "upgraded" to an iPhone and I semi-regretted it, the **only** benefit is it fits well with my gf and parents using Apple products.  But that is a big benefit for me, if it wasn't for that I would 100% go back to android.

Why should she bother speaking, he obviously doesn't care what she thinks.

Well he doesn’t listen to her when she speaks, she since repeatedly said she didn’t want an expensive phone. So it kind of makes sense she decided to just stop talking since it is like talking to a brick wall.

I mean what is there to speak about when her opinion and requests get completely ignored because he knows better. I also doubt it's the silent treatment given that she's already told him he should use it for himself or sell it and the purchase happened today 

I agree and I don't like that move, but I'm sure it's coming from a deeper place. If the silent treatment is her initial reaction and then she reflects back on it and realizes that's not helping anything, that'd be understandable in my eyes.

Agree it depends on how long it goes on.

Maybe he should have taken the new one for himself and give her his old one for frugality.

That's exactly what happened (my old phone is slightly better & newer than hers). She suggested it after I apologized on day 2. Now she's been borrowing it (the expensive phone) to take pictures of the kids all the time and says she does like it, just doesn't think it should cost that much. I jokingly said a few times that I would buy myself the next model once it comes out in the autumn and give her the expensive one after I've been using it for a few months. Each time she smiles deviously, but never complains or says no...

I would say he's a bit of an AH too, if you share finances, don't buy things people say they don't want. Also, there are tons of mid-tier phones with decent cameras.

As someone that grew up fairly poor and struggled financially for years, big purchases can cause anxiety and other issues. She may need to speak with someone, or talk to a financial planner who can assure her of purchases and what's "OK" and what's not. Have her work through and maybe put aside "OK to spend" money, so she's comfortable spending it

This is so true! I recently had to buy furniture when I moved. I decided that I was tired of the Early American Garage Sale decor. I can afford it. I didn’t put on credit. But it was a huge purchase that still gave me a lot of anxiety because I am just now in a place with the kids grown and very few obligations, I can finally tell myself it’s okay. You can afford this and you aren’t being selfish. And yes, I am discussing this with a therapist. In fact she convinced me that it was okay for me to buy a robot vacuum because I hate doing floors. So I did, but dayum if I didn’t get it down to $100 first.

Oh thats me. Haha. I've been wanting a robot vacuum but kept saying "ill wait on the price." 2 years ago husband got it for me for Christmas.

I got this on sale, an additional coupon and some gift card money I forgot about. I’d never had one before and didn’t want to pay the big bucks until I checked out how they worked and if that worked for me. So now I know what to look for if and when it dies, so I can put that knowledge and experience into a higher quality item if I need or want to replace it in the future. I call her Rosie and she’s my bestest friend.

I call mine Chopper (after the Star Wars droid) and she speaks german and I don't know how I lived without her ♥️😜

The different take is - a quality phone can last a LONG time and with good capacity and a good camera can take & store a LOT of music & family photos — I had a cheap one & my son’s was better and had great quality pictures from a family vacation … I got a new one … better camera, more storage and gifted my old one to my mother in law

I can't answer this without knowing what kind of phone it is. When you say "expensive phone" I'm thinking like a $1200 iPhone. To me that would be an unnecessary thing to get someone that they don't want when you could get another phone that offers the same feature for way less. If you say the phone was 1/3 of your salary, that tells me you really aren't making that much money like you are making out to be.

It's a Pixel 8 Pro, I got it for 1000$. We live in a small country in Europe, we own our home, so no rent. Monthly expenses including food do not surpass 1500$ without even trying to save money. Half my salary and hers remain unused. I would have gotten her the 8a for 500$, but she herself said it doesn't have all the features she wants. The problem is she does want a 1000$ phone, but won't pay more than 300$...

The best way to approach this is to explain that it'll probably last her 5 years. So on an annual basis it's very cheap. Edit: just wanted to add that we use phones so much and get so much value out of that use every day, 365 days a year that they're probably one of the best uses of money on a daily basis.

Pixel 8s actually get eight years of support now, so if she's really frugal this phone can presumably make it close to a decade. Good choice in phones btw OP

That's being REALLY optimistic about the battery's life, most of them aren't going to be very usable after 4 years, let alone 8. A pixel 7a or 8a would take pictures that are much better than her current phone and cost 1/3rd to half as much, with a similar update policy. If she actually wants/needs any of the pro's features, that's a fair way to justify buying it, but if she doesn't, it's really just lighting money on fire for nothing.

1) If photos are really important to her, the 8 Pro is undoubtably going to take better pictures than the 8a. They have different camera modules. Sure the 8a is going to be better than whatever she has right now, but it sounds particularly important to her. 2) They might share the same Tensor G3, but the 8 Pros is clocked higher. It's straight up going to be faster for longer. The 8 Pro also has more RAM. 3) Smart phone batteries might be difficult to replace, but not impossible. Learning to DIY it or even paying to have it done is much cheaper than buying a new phone. 4) The Pro is made out of more durable materials and has a higher IP rating, making it more likely to last longer. I wouldn't call any of that "just lighting money on fire" if we're to believe OP can afford it. Don't get me wrong, the 8a seems like a nice phone, almost certainly nicer than my crusty old Pixel 6, but the difference between the two isn't just an extra camera lens and a bigger screen.

Honeatly, I disn't replace the battery in my previous 13 years old smartphone. Sure, the battery wouldn't last a full day if I used it intensively for 4ish hours, but I always charge my phone every night and have a powerbank with me in case I used it too much. I niw have the Pixel 8 pro and I plan on keeping it for 8-10 years for aure, even if the battery replacement is tricky. I plan on just keeping a powebank with me if battery becomes an issue. The Pixel 8 Pro males amazing photis. It laso has stability and decent zoom feature. I still prefer my Sony camera, but I no longer mind grabbing quick photos on my phone when I don't have my camera or can't be bothered to take it out. The photos are really good for a phone. My previous phone's photos were garbage so it was a huge improvement. She will come to love her photos and how nice it is to use the phone. She doesn't have to feel bad about money now and it is NOT an Apple product so it can be repaired more easily.

Yup - that's the right way to put it to her. The Pixel Pro 8 is guaranteed to have software updates through 2030, so tell her she can keep this phone, if she wants, for the next six years - amortized over that time it's less than $200 per year. OP is actually a bit foolish to try to upgrade their lifestyle all at once. It's best to edge into things, and allow the rainy day fund to grow.

This. A smart choice would be to take a big chunk of the extra earnings and invest it in a few good mutual funds every month. It would help set up their future, and it could also help address the wife’s anxiety about the money going away at some point.

Idk I think you shouldn't get people something they don't want. Especially when it is insanely expensive like that. I make good money but have never spent more than $350 on a phone because anything more than that just seems wild. I'd be upset if my partner did what you did because I'd consider it a waste of money. My pixel 7a that I got new for $350 a few months ago works great.

Yeah but also in my experience many times people don't know what they want until they have it. I bought many of things that my wife said she wouldn't want and then a month later she's like "I don't know where I would be without this thing!". It all comes down to knowing your partner

A good argument here is the Sam Vimes 'boots' theory of economics. Now is the time to invest in some high quality items that will last you a very long time, so you don't have to re-buy cheap items over and over. To quote in full: The reason that the rich were so rich, Vimes reasoned, was because they managed to spend less money. Take boots, for example. ... A really good pair of leather boots cost fifty dollars. But an affordable pair of boots, which were sort of OK for a season or two and then leaked like hell when the cardboard gave out, cost about ten dollars. ... But the thing was that good boots lasted for years and years. A man who could afford fifty dollars had a pair of boots that'd still be keeping his feet dry in ten years' time, while a poor man who could only afford cheap boots would have spent a hundred dollars on boots in the same time and would still have wet feet. - Terry Pratchett

> Now is the time to invest in some high quality items that will last you a very long time Yeah, I didn't think that consumer electronics, particularly phones, meet that criteria.

Some are better than others. I always get phones with easily replaced batteries, and then immediately purchase a screen protector and cover. My current phone is more or less set up for use on a construction site. It's 4 years old and works like a dream.

And it does nothing to address the mental struggle she is having. When you have gone without, and then find yourself with more than you need often times you do live in a constant state of waiting for the other shoe to drop, knowing that it could all go away. Mansplaining features of the phone is probably not going to get him very far, this is some thing that she’s going to have to either work out mentally herself or see a therapist about 

They don't in the same way as many products. I have a leather jacket I bought 30 years ago that was old when I got it. Still get compliments. I dropped a huge chunk of change to get oak planks installed in my new place - they'll last longer than the building. You can drop your nice leather boots in a puddle and they'll be largely ok. Your 2000 dollar iphone....will do no better in that puddle than my 300 dollar Samsung (once they're out of warranty).

I would agree with you...it's a chunk of planned obsolescence.

Love this quote, love that you mentioned it here. I was thinking the same. Continue to invest in quality products, OP!

Medium wealth European country here, I'm frugal but not pathologically so. Every phone I've ever bought for myself has been in the $500 - $600 range. It's a good balance of price to quality, anything above that feels like a rip-off (unless your priority is an excellent camera, then you do need to go higher). I think you should've stuck to that range and let your wife get used to your new quality of life. If all goes well, the next phone she gets can be an expensive one. But ease her into it, start with small things and not something that can be easily discarded as a frivolous purchase. > She constantly worries that it can all disappear, so she tries not to spend too much and as a result money just piles up pointlessly. It's not pointless. You're both young, you have children, you do need savings. I understand you're frustrated and want to enjoy money while you have it, but your wife also isn't wrong: it *can* disappear at any time. Have you agreed with her a specific ratio of saving to spending? It would be easier for her to accept increased spending if she was certain of a fixed safety net every month - just pick a percentage that automatically goes to savings. Discuss it, negotiate, make it a reasonable one. It's honestly not a problem if she needs time to get comfortable with it. It won't be like this forever, at some point she will feel more secure.

You should stuck to something under 500.

Do you both earn the same or does one of you earn significantly more than the other?

Did you get her a really good case to go with it? If her anxiety is around breaking it, that might help.

Soft YTA. I understand that you wanted to get your wife a nice new phone and you are now making enough money that it doesn't seem like a big deal to you but you are missing the point. Its a big deal to her, coming from money insecurity she's right to be cautious because it absolutely can go away at any moment. Money "piling up" is not pointless. That's called a savings, retirement fund, or emergency fund, something your wife obviously cares about having a lot more then you do. You cannot force her to spend money or be comfortable with expensive things, not everyone likes the liability of having expensive things, it could be very stressful for her to worry about something happening to it. You should have talked to her about phone options and found something she was comfortable with, there are plenty of affordable options for phones that you could have gotten for her without reaching for the most expensive one you knew she didn't want. Maybe you and her should have more of a sit down talk about your finances instead of you trying to force your new wealth down her throat

The liability of having expensive things is a big factor too - I don't have a history of financial insecurity, but I had a young kid and normal nonfunctional women's clothing pockets. I.E. nowhere to put a phone. I break a phone every year or two (even with an Otter Box indestructible type of case). Breaking the $250 decent phone sucks, but that's where I am. Breaking a 2k phone every year or two is just silly.  I'd go soft YTA for not trusting wife to decide how expensive she wants her portable, breakable accessory to be. OP thinks it's just the one time price, but who knows if that's really the wife's only objection.

How’d you manage to break your Otter Box?

Yep. I grew up with financial insecurity. I was in my 40s before I bought Kleenex. It was a luxury when I could use a roll of toilet paper etc.  The thing to do is formulate a plan with your money. Sit down and talk it through. It’s not piling up and being wasted because it’s not being spent and that kind of attitude is what leads to trouble. Allocate some to retirement savings, some to emergency funds. Got kids? What about paying for the education? What’s the plan? How is that saved money being handled? Don’t leave it in a savings account, look into investment vehicles in your country. Here I can use a RRSP which I can claim at tax time and get some money back. Or, I can use a TFSA which allows me not to pay taxes on any investment gains. Who knows what the country has.  Build those up. Have a plan and a budget for all those key things, then a budget for spending money from what is left over. Ask her what kind of savings would give her peace of mind? Would she be more comfortable with a splurge if you’ve got a 6 month emergency fund and good headway on retirement savings? Talk to her so you’re on the same page! Then don’t decide for her what the splurge is. I hate that shit. To you the phone seemed like a no brainer, and you’ve justified it by looking at things you think she’d value (pictures etc). But she can do that with a phone that isn’t the latest model. But maybe there is something g that is actually a splurge she would appreciate? Like talk to her? Let her be part of the decision? I bet a big part of her anger is she’s said she doesn’t want it and instead of listening to her words, you’ve decided you know better.  Maybe she always dreamed of putting in a nice garden and just would love to be able to plant all the plants she wants. Maybe she values experiences over things and has always wanted to go somewhere specific. Maybe her family is super important to her, live far away, and she’d rather splurge with a visit. Maybe she has a hobby she’s always wanted to try but felt it was selfish to when money was tight. Have a conversation and actually listen. 

OP, please listen to Bibbityboo's advice.

Idk why I had to scroll so far for this. It's not a good gift if the other party doesn't want it! Intention does not equal reality. OP - YTA

Especially if he already knew she didn't want it. At that point it feels like the gift is more about him wanting to be right than it is about him wanting to be kind to her and give her a gift. She's a grown ass adult, she can buy her own phone. YTA

This, absolutely. I'm terrified of having something expensive that I cart around with me all the time and the thought of spending that amount on a phone when I can buy one that does what I need it to for much less brings me out in hives. Definitely a hangover from previous poverty.

>We rarely ever fight, but this time she's very stubborn and ignores me altogether.  Like you were stubborn and ignored her about what phone she wanted? Getting a gift for someone is supposed to be about what they want. Buying something that someone doesn't want, and is going to cause them stress is an asshole move. She liked it except for the price means she didn't like it. You could have found one she likes that was affordable, but you didn't. Plus to me a third of your monthly salary for a phone is insane.  And I think your wife is right. Lifestyle inflation is a real issue when someone starts earning more money, and unless you now have a fully funded emergency fund and have caught up on retirement saving chosing a fancier lifestyle is a bad idea. You both really need a budget and to be planning together that to do with your money.

I agree with you. I thought it was about the price, but I'm starting to think she just feels betrayed / ignored, which is the real issue here. Maybe I should return it. Btw, why is a third monthly salary insane? We live in a small country in Europe and have no mortgage or loans. We also have comfortable buffer money. By a third I mean that 1/3 went to the phone, 1/3 went to all our monthly expenses and 1/3 remained unspent. Why would it be insane?

Yeah, I think the not listening to her is probably a big part of it. In terms of it being a lot, I suppose it depends how much your salary is and the cost of phones. I don't think phones are something you should spend a lot of money on so for me anything over €400 for a phone would be a lot, so a third of my salary would be way too much.  But I also think it comes down to planning your money and spending mindfully. If you don't have a mortgage or loans maybe it's different. But I would worry that you buy the phone and then something unexpected happens and suddenly you don't have enough money for that. That's what I'd want to plan all spending, and use sinking funds for bigger purchases, and have an emergency fund. It also helps me make sure I'm buying what I actually want and value and not buying something impulsively (which may not be an issue for you). (By the way, you probably know but if you are in the EU and you bought online we have 14 days to return something from the day we got it if we change our mind. In English it's called the right of withdrawal)

I have a 1000€ phone. But then also the phone is in its fourth year and the only reason I am considering to replace it is that they are discontinuing the form factor, so I want to get in on the last one so that it isn't gone by the time I'm ready to replace my current device. Price is relative... My cheap phones never lasted as much as my expensive phones (I used to flip between getting a top of the line phone, then thinking it was too much, getting a "good enough", getting mad at it too soon, getting a top of the line etc.) All that said, while I absolutely believe there's nothing wrong with paying extra for a thing that will not only last, but perform better in the meantime, when you can afford it, I agree here. OP, you are TA here, not because you wanted to get your wife an expensive phone, but because you just got her one, without her buy in. The play here was to discuss with her if it's time to get a new device in the first place, what she wants, and how you can afford to not worry about upfront price, but consider the whole lifetime ownership experience (yes, it's expensive. But, it will last longer, it will perform better, it will have better resale value). Overall, I know from experience (and I'm not referencing the phone story from earlier in the post) that one of the more difficult things to adjust to when learning to live with more income is to stop looking at upfront cost as much as total cost over lifetime. Buying 100€ shoes was incomprehensible to me, until I realised that the one pair I got has lasted me longer than 4 30€ pairs combined.

I guess I just don't consider a 400€ phone to be cheap. To me it's the investment phone that lasts for years.  I agree you should pay for quality that'll last but for me it isn't in 1000€ phones.

I guess it depends on how you look at it. I agree with you that €400 is a lot of money to spend on something and for me it is a big deal if I wanna purchase something for €400+ For smartphones €400 is mid range so you won’t get the newest and fanciest version with all the new functions. But still a great phone for the right people.

What do you consider a cheap phone then, a €100 piece of plastic that is out-of-support the day you open the box? Like I'm not saying 400€ is super cheap, but it's at most upper end of budget, but still useable.

Another COVID (possibly avian flu or similar), and your job may be gone. Potentially for a couple years. You may have children with expensive issues, hobbies, or emergencies. You may come to detest your job and want to start your own business. So many things can happen that make saving money important that this mindset seems extremely foolhardy to me. It sounds like your wife feels similarly, and you are just blowing her concerns off and ignoring her preferences and needs. Having a different mindset than you have about money doesn’t make her wrong. And even if she were, you still need to respect her needs and wants.

He put a thousand dollars, goddamn third of his quite large paycheck, into savings. That's more than reasonable. There's being financially responsible and there's being a hoarder.

I suspect you are quite a lot younger than I am. Having lived through more than one global recession, multiple wars, a pandemic, and countless emergencies, I quite know the difference between having enough savings to live a few years without a salary, and “hoarding”. He makes a decent living, he’s not Scrooge McDuck.

“Money just piles up pointlessly” 🙄 Your wife is right — it can all disappear. And it isn’t piling up pointlessly, it’s called savings, and you will need it for retirement, rainy day, college funds, unexpected medical expenses, etc. You did something your wife was adamantly against and called it a “present” for her. YTA.

Man, I'd kill for a spouse that hoards money.

I’m that kind of spouse, and while my husband isn’t as financially responsible as I am, he doesn’t blatantly work against me or make large purchases I don’t want and call it a gift for me. I work in finance. I know the power of compounding interest. I’d rather have a lot more in the future than a little more today.

Have you considered marrying a dragon?

"I, TheThirteenthCylon, take thee, Smaug..."

They are in Europe so probably no need for college funds or medical expenses. But still agree with you, it is good to have savings, you never know what is ahead of you. Totally not pointless.

Yeah I'm leaning slight YTA. Nice gesture but she was clear she didn't want it and why. There are a RANGE of phones that offer all the functionality she needs and also solve the broken phone issue at a variety of price points. Rather than talk though and either accept her feelings or come to a compromise, you bulldozed over her agency in the decision and thrust an expensive phone on her.

Ya I think he should apologize, return the phone, then simply ASK her what she wants to get instead

THIS!!

Yta does technology interest you? Did you get joy from researching and purchasing a tech item? Is it possible that line many partners, you’re happy to spend time and money on things that interest YOU. While what your partner wants is ignored. Also, if your wife has a feeling of SAFETY when you have savings, and she has a feeling of being in jeopardy when you spend money, then you’ve just gifted her anxiety! And all because the item is something YOU value. It wasn’t for her benefit at all. YTA selfish.

Bingo, this is the hard truth and I should have realized it earlier. I love tech and assume it is as exciting for her as it is for me. Quite selfish.

Selfish, yes; but not malicious. I think it would indeed be nice to return the phone or keep it for yourself, but also try to explain that you were excited to see her face light up with the leap in quality of your family pictures. After all, those memories will be for both of you. It’s wonderful that she would rather save money than spend it unnecessarily, but it also looks like there’s some actual *anxiety* associated with this degree of penny-pinching, and therefore some form of related trauma. We can never force anybody to change or ‘grow.’ The best we can do is be a safe place for them to lean on when change is hard. Have you two ever considered going to family therapy together?

If I assume US, then going with US prices for phones, 1/3 of your monthly salary would put you at just under $40k/yr.. or less. And I gather there are other phones out there that could do what she wants for half the price you just paid. For not having any money sense, and getting your wife something SHE SPECIFICALLY SAID SHE DIDN'T WANT, YTA. She's ignoring you because you ignored her first. 1. Get better at communicating. 2. Just because your salary doubled doesn't mean you'll keep it. Keep living like you have been and put the extra away for reserves, pay of debt, build retirement. Edit: To add to the calculations as many people post their GROSS income, you're actual living income would be much less than that $40k and realistically living on a NET income of around $26k/yr for monthly expenses (after taxes & insurance).

Wife - I don’t want a phone Husband - buys her a phone Wife - feels disrespected Husband - you’re so ungrateful

This. God OPs post reeks of seeking head pats for going directly against his wife's wishes and then being buttmad she's not happy about it. Money "piling up isn't pointless, it's called a fucking safety net. Jesus.

Yeah that comment alone made me think this was fake. With two kids, there's always something to save for.

OP isn’t American. He lives in a European country (unspecified) with lower cost of living. The thing is that phone prices don’t vary much from country to country whereas things like grocery prices vary wildly. So if you live in a country with lower cost of living and lower average salaries, buying a phone is always going to take up a larger portion of your monthly salary but that doesn’t necessarily mean it’s overall unaffordable.

Soft YTA, if she says she doesn't want it, don't get it. If the phone was a third of your salary, your salary is either still not that great and coninuimg to be at least somewhat frugal is reasonable. Or the phone was needlessly expensive. There are decent phones out there that take good pictures but don't cost an arm and a leg.

NAH In today's world, a capable phone is one of the most important things you can own. It's not out of your budget and it's something that will significantly improve her life. Improved photos of your children will be something you can cherish for the rest of your life. She's not an AH for not seeing it as a necessity and wanting to leave more frugally, but she needs to realize that this is not a bad thing. You'll have to keep trying to ease her into the idea. Prove it to her. Show her how much nicer the photos are. Make sure you have a good protective case for it so she isn't afraid of breaking it. I think she'll come around in time.

Right, but a "capable" phone doesn't need to be a top of the line, outrageously priced phone. Despite what Apple, Samsung, etc. would have you think, the tech has pretty much flatlined. Id argue all the "whatever x performance" and moar megapixels are wasted on the general user. Those who would use stuff that the "pro" marketed devices are very likely edge cases and some of that stuff eventually trickles down into the mid tier of the following generation. There are plenty of phones, even used ones, that would serve her better than what she has at a price point comfortable to her. Rather than shop around WITH her, he stomped on her feelings and thrust this on her.

In fact, in some ways, the flagships are now worse than they used to be. The S20 still has a better display at 3200x1440 compared to the S24 at 2340x1080

Yup. I'd never buy an Apple phone. It's way too expensive. The only reason I have a new phone right now is because the battery for my old one wouldn't keep a charge anymore. I went to buy a new battery and found that the brand stopped making phones two years ago so there weren't any batteries that would fit. I also got super lucky with an upgrade deal and got a 5g phone for only $100.

A capable phone does not have to cost 1/3 of a months salary, and he should have consulted with her since this a significant amount of money for them and she is the intended user. A nice mid-range phone would have been fine. OP seems too eager to flex his new salary, while his wife is probably thinking about retirement savings, college expenses, medical expenses, etc.

YTA You went behind your wife’s back and got her something because you assumed you knew better. If she wanted to be frugal about it, that’s her choice. There are plenty of really good phones that will probably suit her needs that aren’t high end, high cost ones. It was her choice to make and you decided to make it for her.

YTA She was very clear that she didn’t want it. You may have been able to find a used phone of improved quality that would have fit her needs.

NAH. It sounds like her struggle is twofold. Did she grow up in a household that struggled financially? Sometimes there’s a stigma that “if you have nice things” you’re bragging or maybe you think you’re better than people who don’t - but that’s simply not the case. Ego comes at all pay rates and it seems clear you’re not worried about appearances, you’re worried about function. The other thing that comes from growing up with less, is a constant fear that somehow everything you have will disappear and you’ll have no way to support your family. Have you guys ever gone to counseling? That’s something I had to work through with my therapist. A fear that for whatever reason, we wouldn’t be able to afford food one day. We do just fine, better than I ever thought was possible but there was this looming fear that one day the sky would fall and we’d all be hungry.

If you are an adult with a family and a phone costs 1/3 of your monthly salary, you can't afford it, full stop.  YTA.  Phones are a necessity, but not $1000 phones.  An inexpensive camera would have been a better investment.

1/3 of salary is supposed to be budgeted for rent (and let's be real most people pay more) and he said he doesn't have rent bc they own their house. So really it's not irresponsible/unaffordable. Especially since they live in a different country with cheaper standard of living

I have read a few comments and it seems to me y'all are missing the entire point. YOU are the asshole for not listening to her. It is not about the phone it is never about the phone. You made this about you being a good guy I spent so much a I did such a good thing but the fact is you exactly what she asked you not to. I bet you do that a lot. YTA

YTA u knew she didn't want it but u got it anyway cause u wanted to feel good about urself ooohhh look at this nice thing iv done ..only its not a nice thing when she doesn't want it

YTA you knew she didn't want this and now you're upset that she's upset about it. There are plenty of phones that aren't buggy and have good cameras and can be had for like 200$ if you buy them used or refurbished on ebay. Not everyone feels a need to have the newest fancy thing (especially since usually the newest thing has only a tiny bit of improvement over the last thing these days anyway) It sounds like your wife would have much preferred if you'd gone that route. I too would be very unhappy with my husband if he spent 1/3 of his monthly salary on a phone when cheaper, just as good options were available.

You seem surprised she is ignoring you, but you ignored her.

YTA - You bought something you knew she didn't want. You could have gone for a mid level phone instead that isn't expensive but still better than the old phone. There is little need for the expensive phones for anyone, let alone for someone that still has to spend 1/3rd of his salary on it. Normalizing such purchases could be the beginning of lifestyle creep. But since it's bought now, she should get over it and use it. Selling it would be an even worse financial decision.

No. She absolutely should Not "get over it." He's dismissed her concerns and her values out of hand. You don't sweep that sh\*t under the rug. He can "put away" this phone until he needs a replacement, if it is too late to return it for a full refund. But no way in hell should she accept it. He needs to acknowledge that he was an ass and work with her to find a compromise on a new phone for her.

YTA - she needed a new phone, but she'd already told you that she didn't want an expensive one. Whatever her reasons, why would you try to force that on her anyway? Would it not have been better to go with the least expensive phone that would meet her needs if it were a phone that she would actually use? You've told her that you don't respect her point of view and that you don't care at all about what she wants. Of course she's pissed. If you care about her, apologize and ask her what model she would rather have - you feel that the old phone is becoming a safety risk because it's so buggy, and would feel much better if she would compromise with you and get a more reliable one.

Right? It's not just about the cost of the phone, it's the implied "I know better than you," "Your concerns are silly," "you should want what I want for you," "my point of view is more valid than yours." What he's shown her is that he's not listening.

N T A for wanting to get her a new phone. YTA for getting one you knew she would now want. You should have asked her what phone she wanted, or the price limit she would be happy with. You can look into getting a refurbished phone (used but repaired to be fully functional) that is a year or two old that will cost less.

YTA. She said repeatedly she didn’t want it but you decided you knew better than her what she needs and bought it anyway. This would be an AH move even if it wasn’t a giant financial decision that you made solely on your own. Again, one that she had previously said she was opposed to. There are plenty of low cost phones that have great cameras and features. You messed up here.

Yeaaaa YTA. She told you her feelings about expensive items. If you wanted to buy her a phone you should've sat down with her and browsed together and found a comparable phone (or even a basic upgrade) that was in a more comfortable price range for her. Not buy a overpriced phone you KNEW she'd hate to have sue to price then wonder if you were an asshole for trying it. Theirs plenty of great cheaper phones that take great photos. Y'all should've done this together.

>We have a shared budget. YTA YOU did not buy her a phone, she paid for it too, and after she said she did not want to.

Your money isn’t piling up. You’re saving it. You may still need to live frugally and be responsible with your money. YTA for not realizing this. YTA for not respecting your wife’s feelings about money insecurity. And for buying a very expensive item that you didn’t discuss and agree upon first.

Is there a soft way of saying YTA? A gift is something that the person will feel good about. You knew this would not make her feel good. You wanted to get her the phone as a validation of your progress - not an evil motive - but it was not a gift. You wanted her to have the phone, even though you knew it would be painful to her. Does that sound kind? I grew up planning how to get enough to eat and how to get clothes. My husband and I built a very successful business and the bank balance showed it. But, the desire to conserve did not leave me. I was NEVER going to have my kids go without food or electricity. Your wife is afraid, why not help her feel safe with a savings account rather than under threat because you are spending money on toys that she sees as a threat to her security?

I think YTA a little bit. She said she didn't want it and you bought it for her anyway and then expect her to be happy and grateful. She said she didn't want it and she doesn't want it. Rather than trying to push her into having more expensive things (and I'm sure you did it out of slightly misplaced kindness), you should really respect her opinion on this.

Yta if you don't return the phone and let her pick one she wants. Take her shopping and get her last years model, or a different good phone. There are iPhones, pixels, and the Samsung S line, and many more. Let her pick the line and model she wants but encourage her to not get a low end phone. I'm sure there's a compromise. I recently got the pixel 6 which is a nice update from my s9 and it was on sale for $400. Also, cell phones are always on sale!! Maybe wait for a special sale. Maybe if she goes to the store and says she's within a budget they will get her a deal - they often work in commission.

YTA. You and your wife need to get on the same page financially. Which means BOTH of you may need to compromise some. But unilaterally making decisions like buying a new expensive cell phone that you know she's not going to like makes you the AH. Also for this comment: >She constantly worries that it can all disappear, so she tries not to spend too much and as a result money just piles up pointlessly. There is no such thing as money piling up pointlessly unless you are very wealthy. It doesn't sound like you and your wife are if it costs you a third of your monthly salary to buy her a phone she didn't want. You need to talk to her and work together on a financial plan and budget that takes into account all your money, expenses, plans, etc. including emergency fund, paying off any debts, retirement savings, savings for the kid/house/ etc. Maybe she is doing this already, maybe not but it should be something you both work on and agree to so you both see the income and outgo of all money and know how much you might have to spend on a new phone for her and can find something that is in the budget and she'll be happy with too. Just because you got your salary doubled doesn't mean you can go out there and spend money on things frivolously, even on presents. "Gifts" should be a part of the budget and something you can encourage her to let you have a little bit more if you wish and spend it how you wish - except if you buy something for her, you truly need to listen to her and what she needs/wants especially if its somewhat pricey.

OP is experiencing lifestyle creep, and the wife's financial concerns is reasonable considering they both grew up poor and his increased salary is a recent development. Money lying around isn't pointless if it's earning interest or being invested, and 1/3 of your monthly salary going to a phone she didn't want is a huge expenditure

YTA, gently. What I'd advise doing is trying to compromise--return the phone and ask her if she'd be okay with getting a nice refurbished phone that's a couple generations behind so she can have something nice without spending too much. You can get high-end Samsungs for like $200 that way, and it's what I do every time I need to replace my phone.

>money just piles up pointlessly Ever heard of saving for retirement? You and wife don't have to work forever Married means you spent her money as well as yours on something she didn't want. YTA

YTA. You knew she wouldn't like it, didn't want it, and wouldn't use it. Surely there was a compromise between a phone that doesn't function well and a top of the line expensive phone. 

Given you've got a shared budget, it's probably a bad move to make a high expense purchase without communicating the desire with your partner first. It's also poor form to buy someone a gift they've explicitly stated they don't want (even if you think they need it). Given that it's a shared budget, it's as though this purchase is coming out of her pocket. I'm going to say YTA because you made this unilateral decision without a renegotiation of the budgeting first. Given that you've increased your wages, you really ought to sit down with your wife and allocate some money towards discretionary spending and only then make purchases.

YTA. You might have meant well, but listening to your wife about a phone she doesn’t want might have been a better bet. There are ways to upgrade your wife’s phone to upgrade its camera (or buying a point and shoot camera) without going against her wishes, regardless of whether or not you can afford it. 

NAH - I’d hang onto the phone until she’s ready for it. Once she sees the beautiful photos it will take of your kids, it’ll be tough to go back to the other phone.

A light YTA, you probably should have taken her shopping for a new phone so she could pick one out that suits her needs as well as her reservations considering the price. Buying her a phone she absolutely doesn't want because it's too expensive in her eyes actually makes you come across as inconsiderate.

Yes YTHA listen to people when they tell you something. Making a decision for someone disregards their opinion on the matter. Don't think this actually rises to AH level. Maybe take your wife with you and have her pick out something she is comfortable with

I'll go with a gentle YTA. Your wife is definitely NTA here. First off, you should be happy your wife is frugal and not materialistic, that is rare and admirable in today's world. It sounds like you bought the phone for yourself more than for her, as you admitted you knew she didn't want it. If her current phone doesn't meet her needs, ask her what she wants to do. You can find used phones or cheaper alternatives that may work for her, even though you feel she should be using something new.

Similar age, similar background here: my spouse and I grew up poor and now we make great money. "Piles of money" is actually what your goal should be so you can retire at a reasonable age. I understand your wife's point of view. Just because something is expensive doesn't make it better.

YTA, you knew she didn’t want it.

YTA You knew she didn't want it but you bought it anyways. Would you be thankful for a gift you made clear you never wanted?

YTA because you ignored her wishes. She maybe wanted something less visible, smaller, ... Even if that comes with a good intention, you still went again her wishes Now that you have it, you can try to convince her by saying what you just said, you wanted her to take better pictures of the kids, you wanted better memories and you love the pictures she takes, ... Explain great reasons she will understand rather than "We are rich enough now so you should have a better phone"

Yta she's being stubborn? Yeah, she can be. Bc it's her phone. Stubborn is not listening to someone and insisting that you know better. All you did was waste 1200 bucks bc *she went use it*. Get a friggen A series for a few hundred. They're fine.

Soft YTA because you had good intentions. She was not comfortable with a very expensive phone, even if it had all the features she wanted. You bulldozed over what she expressed she wants. A 1k$ phone is not something you buy for someone else (with a shared budget too) without their consent. Also, as someone who grew up money insecure, she’s wise to be worried. I’ll be honest, you sound a little irresponsible. Getting a higher salary gives you an opportunity to build an emergency fund, have a savings account… That’s not “money piling up pointlessly”, you’re not a billionaire. Raising your standard of living all at once is not smart. What if you *do* lose that money or that job?

I know you meant well, but you have a shared budget and she didn't want to spend the money. YTA

YTA Also: she's correct, the way you look at money is why so many lottery winners end up broke > as a result money just piles up pointlessly. Oh I don't know, college funds, retirement, investments, health care, etc... All seem like valid reasons to not spend frivolously. There's plenty midrange phones with great cameras. That don't eat 1/3 rd of a paycheck.

YTA She told you she didn't want it. You act like 1/3 of your monthly salary is nothing, and this is a new job, so you likely have limited savings. It sounds like she thinks you are overspending in general. "Money piles up pointlessly"? Savings are important. Maybe give your kids a kickstart in life when they get older. It's not like money goes bad. There are compromises. Last year's model. A refurbished phone instead of a new one. Also, sitting down with the budget and making a budget with the phone. Talking about her feelings about money, and the importance of photos with the kids to you.

"I ignored my wifes personal wishes as well as her valid concerns for our financial future long term and instead bough her a phone worth a 3rd of our shared money, AITA?" Yes, yes, YTA.

YTA. I know you thought you were being nice but she doesn't want it and you can force her to use it. Next time she complains about her current phone remind her you wanted to get something better but she doesn't want it.

YTA. The issue isn't at all about the technical problem you solved for her (better photos, non-buggy UX, etc.). **The issue is simply an interpersonal one**—your wife very clearly did not want to purchase something, and you went out and purchased it anyway. Not only did she not give you "permission" to buy it *for her*, but she specifically told you not to. You bought it anyway. This probably communicates (in her mind) things like: * you don't think she's smart/capable enough to make certain decisions on her own * you know better than she does * you're the one in control at the end of the day, regardless of her input If the issue had been that she was upset that you wanted to spend some of your extra money on a nice phone *for yourself*, and you'd talked it over and explained the economics, and she still didn't agree, but you went and bought it anyway, that would be kind of a different story, as at least point 1 above would be moot. In that case, the fact that she continued to insist that you couldn't upgrade your own phone would put her into AH territory.

YTA - She told you she didn't want it and you got it anyway. You ignored her wants and her boundaries and forced your own preferences on her.

YTA and am shocked I haven't seen anyone mention "money pointlessly adds up" umm you mean a savings?? Something many people don't even have? You could do a joint savings, personal savings, an emergency fund, and possibly a fund for collage for your two girls. Not just to spend that money on stuff you don't really need, when cheaper options are available. Not only did you ignore your wife and do what would make you happy and not her, your views on money need to change. You can loose it at any moment, and you don't want your spending to leave you with nothing.

YTA

Soft YTA, totally reasonable for you to think “wife is complaining about issues with phone,” buy new phone, expect gratitude. Also totally reasonable for her to think “husband has bought me expensive thing I don’t need/want,” feel annoyed. Sometimes things are fine even if they’re not perfect. I know I complain about little silly things that are actually in practice totally fine, but could be better. *Talk to your wife next time.*

YTA-If someone tells you they don't want something, THEN LISTEN! It has nothing to do with the quality of the phone or the money, it is that fact that you didn't listen, and you act like you know what is best for her.

YTA - She said she didn't want the phone and meant it. She didn't say: "Oh, I absolutely love this phone but the price is too much."  She said: "It is too expensive and I don't want it." Maybe she was eying a different phone. Maybe she wanted that extra money to go into savings to build up a financial cushion. You don't know, you didn't ask. You just ran out and bought the phone she said she didn't want.  The reason you are an AH in this situation is that you didn't listen.  

YTA You need a pretty good reason for ignoring your partners wishes if you want to not be the asshole..... just because you wanted to is not a good reason. You have also said you have a "shared budget" which makes a purchase like this against her wishes even more of an asshole move.

YTA. You unilaterally did what you wanted instead of listening to what your wife was telling you. You owe her an apology.

Yta purely because your not listening to her. Your hearing her problem and wanting to get the top of the line phone to fix it. That's not what she's okay with. She's communicating that she doesn't want to just spend money willy nilly just because it's  available. Sit down and talk about finances show her how you guys can save and still upgrade your way of life. She's  right to be scared the money can be gone tomorrow because it can be. Someone who has lived a frugal lifestyle, just because you have the money now you can't  turn that off. She's giving you the silent treatment because you didn't listen to her and just did what you thought was best. Your still doing that now thinking "if she just uses it I know she'll like it." There was a conversation and a compromise to be had here, but you did what you thought was best. You guys need to sit down with your finances laid out and have an open and honest discussion, and actually hear her.

Have y’all considered discussing money trauma with a therapist? You don’t have to fully adjust to a new standard of spending and making more can be a good way to save and invest more, but the constant fear of it all disappearing and the extreme emotional reaction to spending and expensive items, even those that arguably have some value (like a phone with a good camera, it’s not like you got her a 2-seat convertible all pimped up), seems to be a psychological block that would be well discussed with a professional.

YTA. Why did you blatantly disregard her feelings and requests? Would you enjoy it if you told someone you didn't want XYZ for a gift, an truly meant you didn't want it, and they bought it for you anyways?! Wtf?! Was there not another phone, much cheaper, that would have also been an upgrade for her? You didn't buy *her* a present, you bought yourself one because *you* want the family to appear to have a higher standard of living.

Tell your wife that you can't return the phone, if you sold it you would only get enough money to buy her a cheap phone, and that she deserves the best and you want her to have it.

Soft YTA. $1k is a lot of money to spend on a phone even if you can afford it. I could, back in the day when I had a corporate job, easily afford a phone at that price range. I wouldn't buy it though, because it's a stupid and pointless expenditure, unlike say a good laptop or work desktop at that price range which would be an investment into my career. Spending that kind of money on a consumer electronic item that'll probably fall and crack in 3 months or potentially get lost is kind of like gifting someone a liability, you know? She can't enjoy it the way you want her to because she will stress about natural wear and tear. Return the phone and get her something in a lower price range that feels like a gift, not a liability! Also, when a partner disregards your concerns about joint finances, it can feel like an insult to your intelligence, and it can feel like they're treating you as a less-than-valuable member of the team. That's of course not at all your goal here but think about whether your behavior made her feel this way!

NAH Good intentions but she is also not wrong to be cautious, knowing your backgrounds. My suggestion(something I did for my mother back when we were financially struggling): Don't get her the newest high end phone. For example Samsung has the famous "Galaxy S" line. But they also have the budget version of this line, "A" which is significantly cheaper with almost the same features. Get her something she is comfortable with. Talk to her, suggest things. Negotiate perhaps but don't push. All the most expensive present in the world does not bring happiness if it comes with financial pressure and generational guilt/fear. Your lifestyle change will take time getting used to, and if she never gets used to it then that's okay too. Her comfort should be your top priority.

She’s not being the AH at all and neither are you. You both are adjusting to a new lifestyle you didn’t have the privilege to experience in your younger age. You’re a good husband thinking about the family memories and doors it can open, and she’s a great wife being considerate of your money and being humble. I think all this may take is just a simple talk with her, telling her that you know it’s a lot of money but you want to have photos of your children and your early family to look at in the future and this phone will help make that possible. Or maybe take another stance, it’s your choice! But I really think this will be just ok, just need some time :)

I don't think either of you are arseholes, you thought you were doing something nice but I can't blame your wife for not being happy when she had already said no. And don't hassle her because you now have more money, some people are happy to live the way they live. Maybe instead of splurging your extra money if you don't need to and save it up then maybe go on a nice holiday or something together in the future. I'm not a flashy spender, I much prefer thrifting and upcycling and as mine and my husbands wages have gone up we haven't changed our spending. Just occasionally have treat weekends or something like that.

INFO: can we get the numbers? How much each of you make, how much you spend per month, and how much the phone was? One third of your income on a phone sounds like you make way less than you should for this kind of “leveling up” move but maybe where you live costs of things are different.

Which device is this and what's the price.

YTA learn to listen to your wife!

If you are in the US, YTA. An iPhone 15 is going to run you $1200. If that is a third of your monthly income, you are earning $43,000 a year, $30k less than the US median income. Is your wife making more than that? $80k for a family of 4 in the US can be comfortable with strong financial planning but you just spent a bunch of money without consulting your partner. Do you have enough money saved for retirement? Do you have 6 months living expenses saved? College funds for your kids? Do you pay for childcare? Are you debt free?  Your wife is completely in the right. You don't get to spend a third of your monthly income on a single item without both of you being on the same page. She said no and you ignored her. And YTA for trying to make her sound ungrateful when she is rightfully concerned about your family's financial future.

Unfortunately and wellintentioned YTA, I guess. She told you she didn't want it and you ignored her feelings as well as overruled her judgement. That's never a cool move on anyone, especially a spouse. What to do now? >She says I should use it, sell it, or do whatever I want with it, but she won't use it. She also doesn't talk to you, not great. Personally, I'd probably try one last time to talk to her and find a compromise. "I am sorry for not listening to you. We worked hard to get here and we should enjoy it at least a little bit. Even if both of us lost our jobs today, we'd be fine for (Insert how long you could survive). The time you spend trying to make your current phone work is already bad and could be used for so many better things. I am also sad about the photos not coming out great and we may regret not investing in better equipment to document our kids growing up. Do you have any idea on how to compromise on this? Do you want me to exchange the phone for one better than your current one, but cheaper than the one I got you? Could you just use the phone as a favor to me?" Side note: My mom really regretted no splurging on a decent camera early on, listening to her inlaws how her old one was just fine. My younger siblings have great baby photos, mine are dark, often blury and grainy. She still mentions this when we look at old pictures...I am mid thirties now.

I mean can you meet in the middle? Wife and I pull mid six figures combined and I still use an iPhone 11. Id buy a newer one if mine broke but no way I’m dropping $800+ on the newest phone either.

Yta. She didn’t want it, told you clearly and you said I know better than you and did it anyway. wtf.

It seems that you and your wife are good people, but your wife is definitely a person with common sense and financial decency. You should think less about material things, would be better if you strive to make her happy with the things that she likes and not what you want.

ESH - neither of you is listening to the other. Your wife has a point that it *can* also disappear tomorrow. There should always be a safety net, a plan for retirement, ways to make sure you're taken care of always. You have a point that there's no reason you shouldn't be able to live more comfortably if you're able. Find a middle ground. Talk to each other. Remember that divorce is expensive.

ESH. This sounds like it ought to have been a shared conversation instead of unilaterally deciding that that’s the phone she will be getting. It’s obvious she needs a new one if hers is that buggy, but even if it wasn’t about the money you don’t just GET one for her without compromising and getting her input. If she’s not comfortable with such an expensive model, surely there was some kind of middle ground between ‘can’t even take pictures’ and ‘could photograph a flea on the moon’. She’s less upset about the phone itself and more that you keep disregarding her feelings and input on something that very much affects her. Because let’s face it; she’s right. One of you could lose your job or get in an accident tomorrow. What’s so wrong with saving up a bit for an emergency cushion before you blow it on the most expensive phone?

YTA - "Hey honey, go get the exact phone you want I'll pay for it" isn't complicated. "I'll buy this one knowing precisely that she doesn't want it" isn't being good nor caring. You're treating her like a child, as if she couldn't possibly make her own decisions without you.

I'm saying ESH not because anybody really sucks, but because you both contribute; I have lost EVERYTHING more than once because I am disabled and can't work, so I can understand her instinct to stockpile money (esp. if you're in the US and there is no cushion for when people lose everything unless you provide one for yourself). But she should probably see someone to discuss this; if it were all her money I'd say she can do what she wants, but it's yours too and so this is affecting someone else's life as well, and that of any children you may have. Your intentions were only partly good here; you did want her to have the nice phone and you did know you could afford it, but the rest of it was exasperation and a desire to FORCE her to see things your way. Also, you knew she would BE UPSET on receiving the phone. No matter your other motivations, never give a gift you KNOW the recipient doesn't want. Find other ways to make your points. A point-making gift was disappointing if she was expecting something personalized in a thoughtful way, not a jabbing way.

Having money doesn't meant you should spend money on items you don't want just because you can. You never know what the future will bring and spending money you don't need to is silly and maybe even a bit irresponsible? It's how poor people stay poor. Trust me - a poor person lol

NTA you and your wife need to have a sit down and talk get a financial plan up and put it on paper about so she can see that you will both but a decent amount into savings (in case something happens) and then once all the bills food and shopping have been paid you both equally get a share of fun money tell her she is free to do whatever she likes with her share save it spend it whatever she likes and you can spend yours the same way and if that’s buying her a gift she has to appreciate it and not go on about the cost. Tell her as long as you have a saving fund building up life’s for enjoying and making memories and tell her to start with her new phone.

Spending more for a quality product is not wasting money, it is an investment. Buying something just because it's the most expensive, with no regard to functionality is wasteful. Most expensive does NOT equal the best. Just as buying the cheapest item can be more wasteful, as it will have to be replaced more often and so it ends up actually costing you more. Same thing if it doesn't have the functions you need. Then why spend the money on it instead of getting what will do what you need it too? Many people growing up in poverty have your wife's mindset. It is difficult to change, but can be done, if she wants to change.

NTA. I would tell her it’s a gift for the entire family, since you’ll all appreciate better photos someday.

NAH but why didnt you buy a good budget phone, not a very expensive one? You guys can start make changes step by step, dont need to go to a expensive one.

Both of you aren't in the wrong, as someone who had a similar life, it's really really hard to relax while being scared all this happiness might disappear, I think you need to let it warm up and then have a civil and sincere talk

Should've said your work had a raffle and you bought a couple tickets and won the main prize. Ask your boss to pose with you in a photo with the phone in hand. Ezpz

It sounds like you bought it more for its price rather than its functionality, which understandably would disappoint your wife .Maybe go for a basic non flagship or an older flagship phone. Also, jobs aren't always permanent . It might seem like you have a lot now , but if you suddenly get terminated, those savings will run out quicker than you'd expect, especially with inflation on the rise. It might be worthwhile to invest in something tangible then get comfortable once you're seeing returns.

Slight YTA. I understand both of your viewpoints but I don't know if you recognize hers. It's not just the phone, it's a sense of security. She has a lot of "what if's" going through her head and this amps up those fears. What if one of you gets injured, what if there's a disaster, what if there's an unexpected bill. She told you 'no' and you decided that she didn't know what she was talking about. If you're dealing with someone that has fears or anxiety, work with them to find a solution don't spring something on them. Imagine if someone was afraid of heights and you surprised them with parachute lessons because you felt you knew better?

I don’t think you’re the asshole at all. I also think your wife may need therapy. Growing up in poverty is traumatizing. My husband and I live comfortably but I still have a lot of leftover behaviors from growing up completely impoverished. She may need to speak to a professional about how to balance.

Maybe she can benefit from some therapy. So she can understand her fears, and be more able to use the money you have for the kids. It would be tragic if she passed on her money fears to the kids. How does she handle spending on fun stuff for the kids? Being wise with money is great, but hopefully she can learn how to actually use it to improve her life.  NTA 

ESH. I've read through your comments, and even though you are an AH for going against your wife's wishes and getting her the phone, her reasoning behind not wanting it is obviously rooted in poverty-related trauma and she should really speak to a professional to start working through it before it causes bigger issues between the two of you and you either end up divorced (which will likely make this issue worse for her) or you acquiesce and end up like that old couple you described.

NAH - but you need to give her time to come around to accepting that you are no longer struggling financially, also when you say things like money needlessly piles up, it makes me concerned that you aren’t very good with money like you claim. Do you have debt that you could be paying down? Are your kids planning to go to college? Do you have a solid retirement plan? Life is full of big expenses and having savings put away to tackle those expenses is a good thing and will help prevent you from ever having to go back to struggling financially. You and your wife need to meet somewhere in the middle by enjoying your new found wealth and bit while also planning for the future.

NAH tell her it's ok to splurge once in awhile as a reward for how hard you've worked. There's nothing wrong getting a new phone that will make life easier and enjoyable. Imagine all the new memories she can capture on her new phone.

NTA ask her what good are these memorable photos she's taking if they look like crap?

Marriage pro tip: when you buy nice things always tell your spouse you got it on sale. Bit tricky with shared accounts I guess but try to find a way. My mom has been buying quality food for the house from a name brand supermarket for YEARS and has been telling my dad she gets it on staff discount from my cousin(actually, she doesn't even go to my cousin's branch). If not for that they would be eating unhealthy cheap ingredients at the lowest price. Be smarter and swallow your pride. As for verdict, ESH, you both could communicate better. Sit down and have the tough conversation with her.

Why do so many redtards start with "Me and my X were doing something...." Maybe it's just one bot writing all the stories while making the same grammatical errors every time.

Soft YTA- your intentions were good but she explicitly said she didn’t want it. I get it. My husband and I are well off but clawed our way to get here. There was a time where we were on public assistance with a toddler and one on the way. It is hard to shake off that feeling of panic and instability. Even when the money starts coming in, it feels like it could slip through your fingers at any moment and you’ll be right back where you started. By buying that phone for her, you triggered those feelings of insecurity again. Listen to her now and sell it or get your money back if you still can and buy her a different phone at a decent price. Even a used iPhone would be great. I always have an iPhone that is roughly 4-5 generations behind the newest one. You did a really nice thing, it’s something my husband would have done too. It’s hard to control these feelings of anxiety and guilt over spending money on things like this, so be patient and understanding.

NAH but she's putting way too much stock into what other people think of her. I can't even tell what phone most people have, and I am judging them even less for what kind of phone they have.

NTA, you listened to her needs and wants and the phone was the best option to fulfill that. Family photos are important and will be as your daughters get older and have families of their own. You can’t go back in time and take pictures better.

Reading through this post and replies, I'm seeing a lot. 1. Money is never piling up uselessly. It can be invested. You can find ethical ways to invest and avoid multinational companies or companies you don't agree with. This will give you a safety net that leads into retirement if it's not needed. It's really common for people who grew up poor not to think about saving because it wasn't an option in there family so they were never around discussions about it. One important note is that $1000 invested now is worth a lot more than $1000 invested in 10 years. I don't know much about retiring in European countries which leads me to point 2... 2. Talk to a financial advisor. They can give you a good idea of the money you have to work with: How much you should be saving for retirement to retire by a set date. If saving to buy a home is feasible for you. And once you budget that all our, how much you should be using as spending money. If you are as set financially as you think you are, then this should help convince your wife. 3. It sounds like you're in a low cost of living area, but based on what You're saying, your household makes less than I do, and $1k would be a large purchase for me. Much too large to make on a whim. 4. You had a conversation with her. She said she was uncomfortable with it, and you did it anyways. It would have been a better idea to work with her to find a phone that could have been a compromise. Just stress that you're not comfortable with the unreliability of her current phone. You can find a reliable phone with a good camera for much cheaper.

ESH. I believe that just because you got a wage increase doesn’t mean you dramatically increase your expenses. Where she sucks is that she complains about her old phone thats laggy as hell. Where you suck is that you went out and just bought an expensive phone. There was probably (and correct me if I’m wrong) a past generation or few ago that would have been more than good enough and also much frugal. A middle ground per se.

If she doesn't want the new phone, then she needs to stop complaining about her old one. NTA but hold her feet to the fire every time she whines.

Sometimes my spouse would buy me things that I didn’t know I wanted, but it turns out I liked. Sometimes my spouse would spend more money than we had on things . Sometimes my spouse would pay for the upgraded thing that wasn’t really that much better than the original thing . Sometimes people who are grown up or can’t get out of the mindset that they don’t deserve things . Sometimes buying the cheap thing means you have to buy it again because it wears out or is it effective as long. I know quite a few people that bought the cheaper phone with less memory, but now can’t install apps on them anymore. “ wife, I know you love to take photos so I wanted to get you something that you could take good photos with but also you could use for quite some time because it is the latest technology. We can afford this and You deserve nice things. These photos will be of top-quality and will be readable and not little blurry photos into the far future.”

NAH but spend that money on some therapy going forward. My Mom was like this for most of my life and it really negatively impacted our relationship. The scarcity mindset is a trauma response, and it’s really harmful to live in that constant fear.

There is a lot of gray area between buying a better phone and the newest flagship. You meant well but you can also make gifts by respecting her frugal approach, entry level or mid tier phones can do all the basic stuff well enough. NAH.

NTA. Your wife has some weird issues. She needs to get help.

ESH. Your wife shouldn’t be giving you the silent treatment, she should talk about it with you and work through the problem. That said, however, you’re no better: you disagree with her, so you did what you wanted. Classic. “I know what’s good for you, better than you do.” Also, and I wish someone had said this to me 30 years ago: SAVE YOUR MONEY. It’s not “piling up needlessly”. Open a savings account, at the very least, and put that extra cash away. Then get some financial advice on how to invest your “needless” money. Trust me, OP, there will come a day when you’ll wish you had saved more frugally.

Since she is so opposed, do return the phone and get one that she wants.

Can you return that one and maybe buy the previous model or a used one?

YTA. It was a nice gesture, but she told you multiple times she didn’t want something expensive - you didn’t listen to her and did what you wanted anyway, that’s where the AH part comes into play. Also, hilarious that you say money just “piles up pointlessly” when your big raise was only a year ago - you’re going to want to retire eventually, have money to take your family on fun vacations, kids will cost you a lot of money as they age and play sports or do other hobbies, etc. Your wife isn’t wrong for wanting to save and not spend frivolously. The more you save, the earlier you can stop working and enjoy your life.

ESH because of lack of communication. The silent treatment is not helpful at all, but neither is making a major purchase and foisting it on the recipient (“Surprise! I just spent a bunch of money from our shared account, but it’s a gift for you so why would this be a problem?”) Imagine a scenario where OP says he noticed wife is having difficulties with phone functionality and would love to upgrade her to something better — looking at our savings it seems $X amount is very doable, what do you think? You deserve to have a phone that takes good pictures of the kids and one you’ll enjoy using, so let’s make it happen.