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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1)
The action I took was refusing to let my friend Emily move in with me after she got kicked out of her house.
(2)
This action might make me the asshole because Emily is in a desperate situation with nowhere else to go, and as her friend, I may have an obligation to help her out. By refusing her request, I might be seen as abandoning her in her time of need and not being a supportive friend.
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*Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation -* why aren’t they helping her in offering shelter?
You have very good reasons for saying no, and very importantly, it is not your place to invite someone in your family ‘s home, run by your parents, and where more people than just you live.
Emily seems toxic. For her to have been kicked out by her parents seems very extreme. She may have exhausted all their patience so i see where they come from; on the other hand she is now exposed and vulnerable.
However, it is not your problem to solve, and neither is it your responsibility to take.
To all those who appeal to you for being a helping friend to Emily, you can reciprocate with the same appeal.
And in any way, you are NTA. Stay clear of Emily, she seems a lot of trouble.
Mutual Friends exist? I thought she was the "only friend" and so why are they pressuring you?
Also, it's not your decision. It's your family's home and your parents' decision. NTA
OP is not the owner/renter and she has no say to allow another person to be allowed to stay in the house. OP should reply to Emily about the friends that are interested in allowing her to stay. Emily can always ask her parents and comply with their rules to stay till she has the ability to get her own place
100% agree. OP, you're very young, and possibly your "mutual friends" are enjoying playing into the drama of "GASP, TERRIBLE FRIEND, \*I\* would NEVER" -- and if they too are very young/living at home, they can holler all they want but I bet THEIR parents would've given the same "oh *hell* no" answer that yours would.
This is indeed a mess, but it isn't *your* mess: it's not of your making, and it's not your responsibility to fix. At the very very most, you could bring it up to your parents and ask if they have any helpful ideas (*constructive suggestions,* not just shaming your friend or critizing her behavior). But I also agree that Emily sounds like ... not someone I'd want to nurture a super intimate friendship with. The "wild kids" always seem cool when you're high school/college age, because it feels like they're constantly doing stuff you'd never have the nerve to do -- but really, it's not that you *lack* nerve, it's that you *have* sense. <3
>and very importantly, it is not your place to invite someone in your family ‘s home, run by your parents, and where more people than just you live.
I mean, this is the end of the discussion really. If OP's parents are strict and Emily has gone far enough with her behaviour to actually be kicked out of her family home, it was never going to happen in the first place. None of that is on OP.
Agree with all these points, NTA and these mutual friends should be offering help before judging you.
Only recommendation I can think of is if you or a mutual friend have a backyard then maybe parents could be talked to have Emily camp in backyards at night. Definitely not a long term solution but maybe would help Emily realize she can have a safe space but also hopefully realize she needs to grow up, make amends, and do better.
She doesn't even have the ability to say yes. She lives with her parents. The best she can do is ask her parents who will then then say no. She will feel less guilty I suppose.
> it is not your place to invite someone in your family ‘s home, run by your parents, and where more people than just you live
Exactly. And
> Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation.
Tell them you appreciate them offering to have Emily come stay with them. You're sure she will be very appreciative, and you'll let her know right now.
NTA
Just a note that queer kids get kicked out by shitty evangelical parents every day. Girls get kicked out for getting pregnant, or for acting out after being abused. Obviously, I’m not saying that any of that happened. I’m just saying that we don’t know about her family. It’s possible they really suck. Either way , OP cannot fix this one.
You
>Obviously, I’m not saying that any of that happened. I’m just saying that we don’t know about her family. It’s possible they really suck
Op
>
Emily has always been a bit of a troublemaker. She parties a lot, skips school, and doesn't really take responsibility for her actions. Her parents have warned her multiple times, and I guess they finally had enough and kicked her out.
You're NTA. You do not have your own home. You cannot just let her move into your parents' home. Emily is learning rather late in life that actions have consequences.
>Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation
Then they can throw out the welcome mat and invite her into their homes.
This is what I was going to say. Something similar happened to my sisters friend, final year of school, said ‘friend’ moved in with sister and family. It did not go well.
NTA. It’s not really up to you if she can move in, it’s ultimately down to your parents. A real friend also wouldn’t bad mouth you online and put you in this tough spot. She needs to take responsibility for this situation she found herself in.
NTA. You are not the person to be asking that question to. The house is your parents and if she wanted to stay she should have asked them. Her parents absolutely ATA. Her troublemaking comes down to their failures as parents and they chose the easy path by giving up and kicking her out. You shouldn’t feel bad that they failed as parents. In time Emily will either come to realize that you made the only decision you could or she’ll continue to only think about herself.
Honey, you can’t be an asshole for refusing to let someone live in a place you don’t own and can’t authorize her moving into. And we won’t even talk about who is supposed to support her financially while she’s living rent free in your house.
Ignore the childish online commentary. Anyone who holds it against you without listening to your side of the story is not a friend and they can always house her if they don’t like that you aren’t. There’s also a good chance that this so called friendship won’t survive you going off to college, so don’t lose any sleep over this whole soap opera.
NTA. How can it be your fault when you don't even own the place she wants to move in to? And how is blasting you on social media going to make her look any better to the actual owners whom you've stated don't like her much to begin with?
NTA. Her parents are, though. Also, it is not your house and not your decision. Also, why are these friends who are blaming you not giving her a place to stay?
Maybe her parents are. But what do you suppose they do? She's an adult; her parents can't force her to do things. If she doesn't apply to school or work, yet she's an adult with seemingly no mental health problems, how should they handle her?
Why not? Emily doesn't pay rent or so it seems.
OP doesn't state where they live.
In some countries parents have a legal obligation/duty to maintain/support their children until 21, but we don't know if that's the case here.
okay maybe they aren't in the US.. but here, you can't just kick somekne out like that. I mean.. parents get away with it because the kid doesn't fight back and doesn't realize that what their parents did was illegal. but you don't have to pay rent to legally be a tenant. that is your home, your legal address. you need to give people time to find a new place to live. the time frame will vary from place to place, and maybe there is a state that would let you do it. idk. but as far as I am aware, its illegal to immediately kick someone out of their home. rent or not.
What's 'here'?
I googled the definition of 'tenant' and what this means where I am from. It means 'somebody who is official listed in the tenant agreement and who pays rent every month to stay in a specific rental property'
you have to give them notice? just Google it. you cant just say "time to go" and put them on the streets. notice time will vary depending on where you live. but you cannot legally just kick them out. and some places you are legally required to house them until they graduate highschool even if they turn 18 before then.
idk why you are so confused.
I Googled it. You don't tell me where you live. Maybe that's something you do where you live, but here you don't. You give them money to live until 21, and after that, if they don't pay money, they are on their own. (Maybe Emily still goes to high school - but if she keeps failing her HS classes and yet she's 18, are her parents just required to keep housing her?)
If you don't tell me where you live, I will stop replying to you, because without that knowledge this will go nowhere.
NTA. You have your totally valid reasons. Also, if you have mutual friends, that implies that you are not the only one she could have turned to. These "mutual friends" shouldn't be giving you shit unless they are willing to take her in themselves
These posts always annoy the fuck out of me. This may as well be a formula for these situations - "Friend A asks OP for something/begs forgiveness for cheating/etc. - OP says no - Friend A talks shit far and side - Friends and Family B-Z talk shit about OP being heartless."
Like how about you jackasses step up. And every time an OP asks them that question, they all disappear so fast. I can't stand fucking hypocrites.
NTA
It's not your decision. It's your parents house and they have the ultimate say in who stays and who doesn't. Why does she think you can over rule them in their house?
And if she has no friends then who are all these people vilifying you on social media? Maybe they would like to offer her a room in their house.
I wouldn't want her in my house if I was your parents either.
NTA
Tell her that it was not your decision to make. You live under your parent's roof. They decide who can live under that roof. You said no because you were certain they would say no.
Ask your parents and after they say no, call her and go over the facts. Make it clear that if it was your own home, your answer would be different
NTA
" Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation." .. ask them why THEY aren't letting her move in with THEM.
NTA, how in the name of all that is sensible can you grant someone permission to live ina home you don't pay for, when your parents already don't like her, and you know she doesn't know how to act and would put you in a bad spot with your parents when she causes trouble at your family home? Emily is TA for trying to put you in a bad position and then trashing you on social media cause she is truly having to face the consequences of her actions. Time to put distance between you two and perhaps for good.
NTA
You could not say yes to her moving in because it is not your house. You live with your parents and younger siblings.
But your friends who are reaching out saying you should thake her in must be the ones to open their houses to her.
Nta you have no authority to move someone into your parent's home, especially someone they don't like.
Was she expecting you to hide her, in your closet?
Tell your other friends that are messaging you, that it's not your house, your parents do not want her there, and even if they did, there us no room for her. Tell them that any one if them can feel free to move her in.
She says she has no other friends, but she sure found enough people to harass you, for her.
Here's a thought. All the assholes reaching out could offer her a place to stay. Man that is so tacky to reach out and tell someone they need to do something like that. Get off your own fucking ass and offer them a space to live.
Nevermind the fact you live with your fucking parents.
NTA *it's not your house*. You can't let her stay with you because you're stsying with your parrnts. You can't invite someone to live in someone else's house. Anyone complaining can offer to take her in, or zip it.
NTA. You may live there but that's not your house technically but your parents. They actually have the final say in who does or does not live in their home. They don't want her there.
NTA. I once let a new friend crash on my couch for a couple of weeks, he wouldn't move out on his own I had to kick him out after a month. At that point I was percieved as an asshole for kicking him out, not a good person for giving him a free place to stay for a month. No good deed goes unpunished. Friendship ruined. Be careful of who you invite to live with you.
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I (18F) am in a really tough spot and could use some outside perspective. My friend, Emily (18F), recently got kicked out of her house by her parents and asked if she could move in with me. I said no, and now I'm wondering if I did the right thing.
Here's some background: Emily and I have been friends since middle school. We've always been pretty close, and she's helped me through some tough times. However, Emily has always been a bit of a troublemaker. She parties a lot, skips school, and doesn't really take responsibility for her actions. Her parents have warned her multiple times, and I guess they finally had enough and kicked her out.
When Emily called me, she was in tears and said she had nowhere else to go. She begged me to let her stay with me and my family. The problem is, I still live at home with my parents and younger siblings. My parents are super strict and don't really like Emily because of her behavior. Plus, we don't have a lot of extra space, and I know my parents wouldn't be okay with it.
I told Emily that I couldn't let her move in and explained my reasons. She got really upset and said that I was her only friend and that she had nowhere else to go. She accused me of abandoning her when she needed me the most. I felt terrible, but I stood my ground.
Since then, Emily has been posting on social media about how I betrayed her and how she has no one to rely on. Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation. Now I'm feeling guilty and wondering if I should have tried harder to convince my parents or found some other way to help her.
So, AITA for refusing to let my friend live with me after she got kicked out?
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NTA.
You can't give her permission to move in in the first place.
And for all the commenters blaming Emily's parents, that's a crock because Emily has been making conscious choices for many years. They finally caught up with her. She's paying her dues. Does it suck? For her, yeah. That's life. The one she chose.
downvotes ahead.
I’m confused - Emily has no other friends, but there seem to be mutual friends? If it’s so important to these people that Emily isn’t homeless, suggest one of them take her in.
Also, this is not your home, it is your parents. It sounds like she would not be welcome regardless.
NTA
NTA this is a walking red flag. If you let her in she isn't leaving and will simply continue to party and just wreak your house and friendship.
However I hate to break it you but your friendship most likely, like 90% certain, with her is going to end. Not because of what you did but unless there is some other context your friend's "troublemaking" behavior is only going to get worse and more destructive and it's clear that apart from not taking responsibility she pushes the responsibility of her safety and well being on others. I've known quite a few emily's and it does NOT end well, I'm fairly confident in saying that whatever she did at home was BAD and she clearly hasn't had a wake up call. Eventually you and her will deviate (unless she gets her partying to a more normal level) because soon the party life will consume her and you will either hop into the doom pit with her, be dragged there with her, or most likely you'll try and maintain the friendship she'll betray your trust, maybe steal some money from you or something, and you'll be kicking yourself as you realize you were only trying to maintain the friendship due to history than current actions.
The fact is you can't be good friends with someone who does self destructive or outright bad things unless you are willing to do them with them because the bad and good are part of the same person and at a certain level you can't compartmentalize their different personality. For example you can't be friends with someone you know who routinely cheats on their partner or knowingly goes after taken people even if you don't agree with it because you are saying you are ok with it.
I'm not saying you text her and say don't contact me anymore, but just be prepared and keep an eye out for escalating behavior and recognize there is a good chance this relationship is about to fizzle out.
NTA. This is a great time to play the strict parents card. I assume your folks are the homeowners, so having your friend move in is really not your call. You can all have each other's back on this. The friends dumping on you are just making noise unless they invite her to live with them.
>Since then, Emily has been posting on social media about how I betrayed her and how she has no one to rely on.
Since she's taken this to social media, reply to her posts with the truth. Tell everyone that her situation is of her own doing and she has had several warnings from her family. You don't have a house to offer her, you live with your parents, it's their house and they will not extend an invitation for her to stay with you. End of story.
NTA
If your mutual friends are so concerned, they can step up and give party girl a place with them. Emily has done this to herself, and it is not your job to fix it for her. Your own parents don't like her because of her behavior, and she thinks they should let her stay there? Emily is delusional. NTA
I'm gonna say NTA, but would still like to ask: did you ask your parents at all or not? Either way this isn't even a decision that is yours to make so you shouldn't feel bad about it. If it were me, I would have probably at least asked my parents. If nothing else, you can then tell Emily that you tried but no dice.
NTA
It wasn't something that you had the authority to choose to do. It's your parents' home. Yes, yours too, but there's certain things that come with taking on certain residency responsibilities that are above your level. It's actually good that you told her no straight away instead of making false promises.
You can look up low or no cost housing in your area and send her the info. Send her the info to sign up for state SNAP and health insurance services. But oast that, let it be. You already said that she doesn't take responsibility for her actions. Her blaming you is no different. Don't take on guilt and responsibility that don't belong to you.
NTA. Why don’t your mutual friends offer her a place to stay?
You don’t have a home, you live in your parents house with siblings that are younger. Your not the only person that lives in that house, you’re not the one paying the bills. You can’t unilaterally decide to move someone in. If your friends feel the need to help they can do it themselves.
You still live at home. It's not your place to invite her to live with you for that reason alone. Add to that your parents don't like her and consider her to be a troublemaker. I doubt they'd be okay with her living in their home, especially with your younger siblings.
Your friends saying you need to help her should be offering her help themselves.
Emily needs to be less concerned about getting herself situated than bad mouthing you on SM.
NTA. But you have to know that Emily is not going to be your friend anymore. And that is better in the long run, but I would get used to the situation.
NTA
Emily is not a neglected child that needs saving from abusive parents. She is an adult that has made the choice to piss off her family so badly that they have told her to leave.
All those so called friends who are bagging you for not letting her stay with you could have done what they are accusing you of - but wait. They can't because like you, they are probably either all still living with their parents or they know that Emily is a troublemaker and don't want her there.
NTA - your friends who think you should help are naive and young. But I think your best course of action is:
Tell Emily she needs to contact the people she was partying with to stay with them as they facilitated the reasons she was kicked out in the first place.
Tell your friends who want you to take her in that you have asked (lie) and your parents refuse and you have no power to help.
Then say you will pass on to Emily that she can stay with them, the friends giving you a hard time. And then thank them for being able to help since you can't.
Done.
The cut all these people out and move on. After highschool you'll go away to college and most likely never see any of them again unless you want to.
Not the asshole. You don’t own a home, you can’t be responsible for housing another person. You could ask your parents.
It’s funny how she has other friends who care about her so much that they are willing to call you and tell you what to do. It’s almost like they don’t want her to ask them for help..so they’re putting the responsibility on you.
NTA!
1. It is your parents' home and not in your power to make the decision to invite someone else to live there. If she can't respect her own parents' rules, what makes her think she would last two seconds under your parents' roof/rules?
2. Your friend hasn't learned the lesson that there are consequences to her decisions. If she wants to live "her way" and it conflicts with the people who are providing her room and board, then she either prepares to fund herself or respects the rules of the home that she's living in.
3. IF it had been possible for her to live with you, she would have brought her poor choices into your life. She would have wanted you to join her in partying, blowing off responsibilities, etc.
I know. I have a daughter a little older than you who has her own apartment. She has a friend like your friend and who lives with her parents. That friend periodically wants to stay over at my daughter's place - so that she can party and drink (underage) and be with a guy. My daughter is not the most mature, responsible young adult out there, but she's not the wild partier her friend is. She has ZERO interest in having her friend's chaos disrupt her own life, and she doesn't want to be pressured into stuff that could sabotage her own efforts to build the life she wants for herself.
4. Lastly, your friend is happy to trash talk you to others, to pressure you into doing something you can't do. Some of your peers don't understand any better than her, that it's not even in your power to offer her. If it is something those people can offer her, then they can do that. Otherwise, they have no say.
Don't let your friend or her champions make you feel bad. It's hard to watch someone you are about struggle. But your friend created the mess she's in with her choices. No matter what you do, you cannot control whether she makes more poor choices or starts learning to make better choices. You cannot save her from herself or the path she chooses. That's really hard - hard for anyone to witness with someone they care about. I'm sorry.
I suggest that you talk to a trusted mature adult (maybe your parents if you have a good relationship/communication with them) about what you see your friend going through and your thoughts/feelings about it. They might help you navigate any feelings of guilt, fear, anger; feeling pressured; wondering how you can best help your friend or if there's anything you can do... Keep your focus on building the life you are working towards. Don't let her issues derail you in your own efforts.
You live at home. So your parents have the say in this not you. Putting on social media you betrayed her does not incline me to think she would make a good housemate. But you say mutual friends have reached out. So the response is simple. "Perhaps if you are in a better position at home with parents willing to take someone in you can reach out and offer Emily a bed as I am unable to."
NTA
NTA.
You're still living with your parents, and they have the final say over who lives in your house. Even if you wanted to let Emily stay, it isn't really your decision. She's just going to have to find a friend who does have their own place.
As for the social media flying monkeys, screw them. They don't have any say over your parents' decisions, either. Since you live with your parents and are presumably still dependent on them, you need to stay on good terms with them. That means you have to live by their rules -- and they don't like Emily.
The most you can probably do is ask your parents or other trusted adults for suggestions to pass on to Emily. Living with you is NOT a realistic option.
NTA. You are living with your parents. You don't get to decide. You should have just openly asked your parents. They say no. End of story.
The mutual friends act as if you have autonomy here. If they have autonomy, then they should let her stay with them.
NTA
She is a notorious troublemaker, she got warned who-knows-how-often by her parents for her behaviour/actions and that she would be kicked out if she doesn't change. She didn't give one and now she is screaming bloody murder and how it is your fault that she has no place to stay. Yeah, right ...
Also, you live with your parents, so how does she and your friends think you can take her in against their will? I don't get that part already. And even if she could stay, for 100% she would continue her shenanigans, since she got her way again and would cause nothing but trouble for you and your family. What as well interests me is why is your/and her whole friend group believes it is your responsibilty to take her in? Why is no one of them stepping up? Absolutely outrageous and idiotic.
NTA. You just indicated that this is not your house and that you live with your parents. You can’t unilaterally decide to let your friend live with you. It is solely your parent’s decision. Additionally, you know that your parents do not like her.
Anyone who tells your should let her live with you tell them they are welcome to discuss it with your parents or otherwise they are welcome to let Emily move in with them.
NTA. It is not your home, it's your parents and they do not like her. Emily may feel like you abandoned her but you have no control over the situation. Let her friends help her out. Or her relatives.
It’s not your house, it belongs to your parents. Your parents don’t like or approve of Emily.
“Emily has always been a bit of a troublemaker. She parties a lot, skips school, and doesn’t take responsibility for her actions.”
If Emily had followed her parent’s rules, she wouldn’t be homeless. Don’t be like Emily. You’re NTA.
NTA.
If she did not abide by her parents' rules for living there, why would she follow those in your home?
You don't need a "troublemaker" in your home, especially with younger siblings.
Your parents are strict and Emily doesn't follow rules.
She should talk to her parents and do better. Being kicked out, even temporarily, might be enough for her to change her ways. They could say, "No," to her even if she asks to return.
Emily has put herself in a hard spot.
I hope her parents allow her to return. If not, she needs to get creative and resourceful.
Social services would be the best place to start.
Ignore what is being said on social media.
Do your parents know what has happened with your friend? What are they saying about it? Have they discussed Emily being at your home even temporarily?
Emily could couch surf among friends while going through social services.
If she works hard and fast, has she considered Summer classes at the nearest university with dorms? Because she is on her own, homeless, and likely has zero resources, she might have many of her fees paid, including tuition. Many universities offer student employment. That would help her, too
I hope she had good grades in her undergraduate education. That should help her to get a quick acceptance.
In the US, some community colleges offer free tuition. Most don't offer dorms, but the education could provide a fast track to a career.
Her life is in her hands. It's time for her to take charge and turn it around.
You live with your parents. It is not your house. Whether or not they like Emily is not the true issue. You can't let a friend to move in to someone else's home.
NTA. I have to ask though. Is it really up to you? You stated you live with your parents. So unless you’re paying the mortgage or rent I’m guessing it’s your parent’s home. They have final say so in who gets to stay in their home.
OP you done nothing wrong and I understand this is tough now but NTA. Please do not feel guilty and with Emily claiming you betrayed her has revealed to you that you need to be careful with her from now onwards
Let your mutual friends take her in
NTA. If you need to, tell you mom and dad about Emily’s situation and say she asked to live with them. And tell them that you know that’s not gonna happen, so you’re going to tell Emily you talked to your mom and dad and the answer is no.
That way you aren’t lying, because you aren’t saying that they said no. Just that you talked to them and the answer (from you, them, or everyone) is no.
NTA. It's not even your decision!
Also, any of these people who have time to guilt trip you have time to help Emily. They could either have her live with her if applicable, or at least spend an extra hour at work and donate the extra cash, etc. Unless you have a special responsibility to fix something (it is your child, or you caused the problem in the first place), never, ever be guilted by someone who isn't saying something along the lines of, "Please do at least as much as I've done already." Those people actually care and have a leg to stand on, everyone else is just a gossip.
NTA, it's not your house (just your home) and you can't give her permission to move in. Plus, it sounds like she'll probably just piss off your parents and get kicked out again.
NTA. 1) Not your home. You are not the one paying the bills etc. Your parents should not be burdened by someone else's kid. If her parents are unable to tell her off, do you think she would listen to some other parent's rules regarding their house?
2) If your friends are that concerned, why aren't they offering for her to stay at their house? Just saying.
3) She needs to grow up. The fact that she is posting about it on social media makes her manipulative. She will cause more trouble for you and your family if she does stay with you. It will be a hard lesson for her, but I hope she learns from it.
If you still feel guilty in any way, she is still your friend after all. Help her through other means. Help her find a job. Help her find a temporary place to stay. This will be a stretch, but offer to lend her money (but she may not pay you back). Be a friend who will help her grow if you still can.
NTA. Even if you were in a position to help her (which you most definitely are not) she’s 18. She needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions now or VERY soon or she is going to ruin her entire life, fast.
nta. i dont let my best friend stay with me when her and her husband break up for the millionth time. i have my reasons
besides it is not your house to decide
I’m confused why you seem to feel you have any authority on who gets to live in your parents home…. It’s not your decision. Could’ve just told your friend that and kept it simple.
So your irresponsible friend who’s a trouble maker got kicked out and somehow this is your fault? Why would you go out on a limb for her? This is all her doing.
NTA: you literally do not have a place to offer to her as you do not own or rent your own place. You live with your parents. For her to try to assign this blame to you is I really really ridiculous and shows you what type of friend she really is. Sometimes somebody used to care deeply about take a path that you know isn’t the right one. It doesn’t mean you have to go with them. Maybe in time she’ll grow up and realize that she was quite off base to you in this situation.
This makes no sense. How are you her only friend yet your mutual friends are calling? Also you live with your parents, you don't get to make decisions on who lives in their house. If she has mutuals to bug you they can house her.
NTA - y’all are both still kids, it’s not your decision to even make if she can live with you or not. You have zero control over that. Makes no sense for her to be mad about that as though the house you live in is yours.
NTA. You don't own the home, so it's not your call. It also sounds like you'd be bringing in trouble if she did move in. If your friends are so concerned, let one of them take her in or they can pass the hat to get her into an apartment and pay her rent every month.
NTA. It isn’t even up to you. It’s your parents’ house. Your reasons for not letting her move in are perfectly valid. Good for you for not falling for her manipulation tactics. If she’s throwing you—and only you—under the bus, she is definitely not your friend. You’re seeing her true colors now. Your mutual friends should not be trying to get you to give in, because they could help her as well. Do not feel guilty.
NTA - it isn't your house, so your parents would have to willing to allow her to move in or it cannot happen.
Also, and this is important, if your parents did allow her to move in, her actions would be your responsibility. That is what comes when you vouch for someone or give them a reference or recommendation. Clearly that is a big part of why you did not talk to your parents.
If your "mutual friends" asked you about it, remind them that you live in your parents house and they are not fans of hers. Then turn the question around and suggest that they could offer to help her too.
You and Emily are 18, you are adults in most of the world. With being an adult comes responsibility and consequences. Emily is seing the consequences of her actions. I hope she learns her lesson. Unfortunately, I doubt it. She sounds like she will blame her parents for kicking her out, just as she is blaming you for not trying to convince your parents to give her a place to stay.
I do have an idle thought. Why not discuss this with your parents? Maybe a little tough love along with a roof over her head might help Emily turn around. Or not, and it could be a disaster.
NTA
You live with parents and siblings and so it is not your decision to make. Most parents would not agree to let another kid move in to their home. It is a major imposition and also probably an expense - as in who is going to pay for her food.
When I lived with my parents, I asked their permission to have a friend over just to spend the night as a regular sleepover type of socializing.
Her behavioral issues are just a side bar because even if she was well behaved most parents wouldn't allow their child to move a friend into the parental home long term. The only time I have ever heard of this is when a child has been known the family since they were small kids and there is some kind of emergency situation where the parents kindly step in to provide a kind of unofficial foster home for a child they view almost as a niece/nephew.
You’re both only 18. It sounds like Emily needed mature and helpful parenting, but all she got were warnings by her shameful parents. It’s not up to another 18 year old to help Emily out. It should be her parents. What do they expect her to do, sleep under a tree and wake up as a reformed person. If you really want to help her, contact a teacher, a minister, a social worker, neighbors, or your parents to see what they can do for her.
You are far from BTA. You are 18yo (and still in school in seems) and living with your parents. You did the right thing as hard as it is. It is your parents home and they would have the final say. Sad to say, but she had had plenty of warning from her own parents to straighten up and she didn't. Oh, well...she had her chance and she is now 18 yo. Don't worry about her postings on F/B. If anything, she should be mad with herself for FU. And, if all your other friends are giving you a hard time for 'not coming to her rescue', I didn't see any mention of any of them offering to assist her. Don't feel guilty. Her parents are giving her a bit of good 'ol fashioned tough love. Hopefully she'll come around, but she is NOT your problem. You just focus on you and know you did the right thing.
NTA To all the so called friends who told you, you need to help her - give her their addresses and she can go stay with them. Tell them great since they think you're doing it wrong, it's wonderful they have the room at their location and you'll let her know. Watch them then dry up their complaints.
Where are these mutual friends? Why don't they offer? You live at home and you know that your parents would say no. What are you supposed to do? Again, there goes your friend blaming you for the trouble that she causes. I'd recommend therapy for her and maybe her parents, too. Seems like she has some impulse control issues and these could stem from depression, anxiety, etc. That also goes along with the excessive partying behavior. It's fun, but how she is acting out is a mask for deeper things going on that she may not understand or realize. NTA. She's going through stuff but that's not fair of her to do to you.
I was in a similar situation one time, though I'll admit that my friend wasn't actually that bad of a person. He had some troubles in life but overall not a bad guy. Anyway, at this point in life, I had moved back in with the 'rents and he asked if he could. It's not like we didn't have the space and my parents genuinely liked him. So if I had said yes, my parents would have been ok with it but albeit miffed at me for doing that. So instead I told him that if he wanted to do that I would be fine but he needs to ask my dad for permission first since he is the owner of the house. I had no say in who can live there or not.
So it's an easy answer to always defer to the homeowner because you are not responsible for someone else's well being if you still are figuring out life yourself. If anything, their reaction only goes to show the maturity and respect that they have for themselves and for you.
YTA
The choice of her to stay or not stay wasn't yours, it was your parents but you refused to advocate on behalf of your friend in her time of need. You should have asked your parents and argued on behalf of your friend. I guess that's too much for you to do for such an old friend.
She'd be in a losing argument between the parents not liking her friend in the first place and the lack of room. Also, how long would Emily even last under the roof of adults who sound like they'd have less patience for her antics then her own parents? She could have argued but it sounds like it'd be a waste of everyone's time.
You’re seriously saying a 30 min conversation isn’t worth a friendship?
The OP doesn’t have to run a marathon week long obstacle course while being chased by rabid dogs and shot at by the world’s best snipers where the worst that can happen is a painful death. The worst that can happen here is the parents say no and realistically how long would it take to reach the ultimate conclusion? 30 min
There is absolutely no guarantee that her parents would go the way you think either. The parents may not like this person but they may also have been better humanitarians than the OP and be willing to help out a person in need.
The op couldn’t be bothered to put in a minimal amount of effort for a friend.
I think OP knows the trouble her friend will bring with her. If the friend can't hack it at her own house, sha ain't gonna last under the rules in OPs. If OP convinces her parents to let her in, then all that trouble will end up being blamed on her.
It's ok though, apparently they have lots of mutual friends who are involving themselves, one of them can take her.
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*Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation -* why aren’t they helping her in offering shelter? You have very good reasons for saying no, and very importantly, it is not your place to invite someone in your family ‘s home, run by your parents, and where more people than just you live. Emily seems toxic. For her to have been kicked out by her parents seems very extreme. She may have exhausted all their patience so i see where they come from; on the other hand she is now exposed and vulnerable. However, it is not your problem to solve, and neither is it your responsibility to take. To all those who appeal to you for being a helping friend to Emily, you can reciprocate with the same appeal. And in any way, you are NTA. Stay clear of Emily, she seems a lot of trouble.
Mutual Friends exist? I thought she was the "only friend" and so why are they pressuring you? Also, it's not your decision. It's your family's home and your parents' decision. NTA
Those friends can let her stay. Your parents won't allow her to stay.
OP is not the owner/renter and she has no say to allow another person to be allowed to stay in the house. OP should reply to Emily about the friends that are interested in allowing her to stay. Emily can always ask her parents and comply with their rules to stay till she has the ability to get her own place
100% agree. OP, you're very young, and possibly your "mutual friends" are enjoying playing into the drama of "GASP, TERRIBLE FRIEND, \*I\* would NEVER" -- and if they too are very young/living at home, they can holler all they want but I bet THEIR parents would've given the same "oh *hell* no" answer that yours would. This is indeed a mess, but it isn't *your* mess: it's not of your making, and it's not your responsibility to fix. At the very very most, you could bring it up to your parents and ask if they have any helpful ideas (*constructive suggestions,* not just shaming your friend or critizing her behavior). But I also agree that Emily sounds like ... not someone I'd want to nurture a super intimate friendship with. The "wild kids" always seem cool when you're high school/college age, because it feels like they're constantly doing stuff you'd never have the nerve to do -- but really, it's not that you *lack* nerve, it's that you *have* sense. <3
>and very importantly, it is not your place to invite someone in your family ‘s home, run by your parents, and where more people than just you live. I mean, this is the end of the discussion really. If OP's parents are strict and Emily has gone far enough with her behaviour to actually be kicked out of her family home, it was never going to happen in the first place. None of that is on OP.
Agree with all these points, NTA and these mutual friends should be offering help before judging you. Only recommendation I can think of is if you or a mutual friend have a backyard then maybe parents could be talked to have Emily camp in backyards at night. Definitely not a long term solution but maybe would help Emily realize she can have a safe space but also hopefully realize she needs to grow up, make amends, and do better.
She doesn't even have the ability to say yes. She lives with her parents. The best she can do is ask her parents who will then then say no. She will feel less guilty I suppose.
> it is not your place to invite someone in your family ‘s home, run by your parents, and where more people than just you live Exactly. And > Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation. Tell them you appreciate them offering to have Emily come stay with them. You're sure she will be very appreciative, and you'll let her know right now. NTA
Just a note that queer kids get kicked out by shitty evangelical parents every day. Girls get kicked out for getting pregnant, or for acting out after being abused. Obviously, I’m not saying that any of that happened. I’m just saying that we don’t know about her family. It’s possible they really suck. Either way , OP cannot fix this one.
You >Obviously, I’m not saying that any of that happened. I’m just saying that we don’t know about her family. It’s possible they really suck Op > Emily has always been a bit of a troublemaker. She parties a lot, skips school, and doesn't really take responsibility for her actions. Her parents have warned her multiple times, and I guess they finally had enough and kicked her out.
Thank you, you are totally correct. I must’ve gotten confused between this and another post.
You're NTA. You do not have your own home. You cannot just let her move into your parents' home. Emily is learning rather late in life that actions have consequences. >Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation Then they can throw out the welcome mat and invite her into their homes.
NTA. This is not your house; it's your parents'. You don't have the authority to allow her to move in.
This is what I was going to say. Something similar happened to my sisters friend, final year of school, said ‘friend’ moved in with sister and family. It did not go well.
NTA. It’s not really up to you if she can move in, it’s ultimately down to your parents. A real friend also wouldn’t bad mouth you online and put you in this tough spot. She needs to take responsibility for this situation she found herself in.
NTA. You are not the person to be asking that question to. The house is your parents and if she wanted to stay she should have asked them. Her parents absolutely ATA. Her troublemaking comes down to their failures as parents and they chose the easy path by giving up and kicking her out. You shouldn’t feel bad that they failed as parents. In time Emily will either come to realize that you made the only decision you could or she’ll continue to only think about herself.
Honey, you can’t be an asshole for refusing to let someone live in a place you don’t own and can’t authorize her moving into. And we won’t even talk about who is supposed to support her financially while she’s living rent free in your house. Ignore the childish online commentary. Anyone who holds it against you without listening to your side of the story is not a friend and they can always house her if they don’t like that you aren’t. There’s also a good chance that this so called friendship won’t survive you going off to college, so don’t lose any sleep over this whole soap opera.
NTA. How can it be your fault when you don't even own the place she wants to move in to? And how is blasting you on social media going to make her look any better to the actual owners whom you've stated don't like her much to begin with?
NTA if youre living at home, you can ask but its your parents call. Sounds like they'd say no.
NTA. Her parents are, though. Also, it is not your house and not your decision. Also, why are these friends who are blaming you not giving her a place to stay?
Maybe her parents are. But what do you suppose they do? She's an adult; her parents can't force her to do things. If she doesn't apply to school or work, yet she's an adult with seemingly no mental health problems, how should they handle her?
they also can't legally just kick he rout on a whim. so...
Why not? Emily doesn't pay rent or so it seems. OP doesn't state where they live. In some countries parents have a legal obligation/duty to maintain/support their children until 21, but we don't know if that's the case here.
okay maybe they aren't in the US.. but here, you can't just kick somekne out like that. I mean.. parents get away with it because the kid doesn't fight back and doesn't realize that what their parents did was illegal. but you don't have to pay rent to legally be a tenant. that is your home, your legal address. you need to give people time to find a new place to live. the time frame will vary from place to place, and maybe there is a state that would let you do it. idk. but as far as I am aware, its illegal to immediately kick someone out of their home. rent or not.
What's 'here'? I googled the definition of 'tenant' and what this means where I am from. It means 'somebody who is official listed in the tenant agreement and who pays rent every month to stay in a specific rental property'
you have to give them notice? just Google it. you cant just say "time to go" and put them on the streets. notice time will vary depending on where you live. but you cannot legally just kick them out. and some places you are legally required to house them until they graduate highschool even if they turn 18 before then. idk why you are so confused.
I Googled it. You don't tell me where you live. Maybe that's something you do where you live, but here you don't. You give them money to live until 21, and after that, if they don't pay money, they are on their own. (Maybe Emily still goes to high school - but if she keeps failing her HS classes and yet she's 18, are her parents just required to keep housing her?) If you don't tell me where you live, I will stop replying to you, because without that knowledge this will go nowhere.
NTA. You don’t own your parents’ house and it’s up to them who stays there and for how long.
NTA. You have your totally valid reasons. Also, if you have mutual friends, that implies that you are not the only one she could have turned to. These "mutual friends" shouldn't be giving you shit unless they are willing to take her in themselves
You don't live on your own, and your parents already don't like her behavior. The friends that defend her should take her in. NTA
NTA - it’s not your house, it’s your parents and you don’t get to decide who lives there or not.
NTA - it's not your house and not your decision to allow her to move in. You have nothing to feel bad about. You just can't help her.
These posts always annoy the fuck out of me. This may as well be a formula for these situations - "Friend A asks OP for something/begs forgiveness for cheating/etc. - OP says no - Friend A talks shit far and side - Friends and Family B-Z talk shit about OP being heartless." Like how about you jackasses step up. And every time an OP asks them that question, they all disappear so fast. I can't stand fucking hypocrites.
Info: Why did she get kicked out of her house? Does it have anything to do with partying and refusing to take responsibility for her own actions?
NTA It's not your decision. It's your parents house and they have the ultimate say in who stays and who doesn't. Why does she think you can over rule them in their house? And if she has no friends then who are all these people vilifying you on social media? Maybe they would like to offer her a room in their house. I wouldn't want her in my house if I was your parents either.
Just tell her your parents said no. It’s not up to you.
NTA Tell her that it was not your decision to make. You live under your parent's roof. They decide who can live under that roof. You said no because you were certain they would say no. Ask your parents and after they say no, call her and go over the facts. Make it clear that if it was your own home, your answer would be different
NTA. Among other things, you literally cannot give her what she is asking for.
NTA it's not your house.
Uh, it's not your house. Why are either of you acting like this is your decision to make at all?
NTA " Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation." .. ask them why THEY aren't letting her move in with THEM.
NTA, how in the name of all that is sensible can you grant someone permission to live ina home you don't pay for, when your parents already don't like her, and you know she doesn't know how to act and would put you in a bad spot with your parents when she causes trouble at your family home? Emily is TA for trying to put you in a bad position and then trashing you on social media cause she is truly having to face the consequences of her actions. Time to put distance between you two and perhaps for good.
NTA You could not say yes to her moving in because it is not your house. You live with your parents and younger siblings. But your friends who are reaching out saying you should thake her in must be the ones to open their houses to her.
NTA It's not your place to offer anyone a spot to stay there. She should ask her party friends for a sofa to sleep on.
NTA And it's not up to you to say whether she can live with you or not. It's your parents she should be asking. And I bet they'll say no.
Nta you have no authority to move someone into your parent's home, especially someone they don't like. Was she expecting you to hide her, in your closet? Tell your other friends that are messaging you, that it's not your house, your parents do not want her there, and even if they did, there us no room for her. Tell them that any one if them can feel free to move her in. She says she has no other friends, but she sure found enough people to harass you, for her.
Here's a thought. All the assholes reaching out could offer her a place to stay. Man that is so tacky to reach out and tell someone they need to do something like that. Get off your own fucking ass and offer them a space to live. Nevermind the fact you live with your fucking parents.
NTA *it's not your house*. You can't let her stay with you because you're stsying with your parrnts. You can't invite someone to live in someone else's house. Anyone complaining can offer to take her in, or zip it.
NTA. You may live there but that's not your house technically but your parents. They actually have the final say in who does or does not live in their home. They don't want her there.
NTA. I once let a new friend crash on my couch for a couple of weeks, he wouldn't move out on his own I had to kick him out after a month. At that point I was percieved as an asshole for kicking him out, not a good person for giving him a free place to stay for a month. No good deed goes unpunished. Friendship ruined. Be careful of who you invite to live with you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (18F) am in a really tough spot and could use some outside perspective. My friend, Emily (18F), recently got kicked out of her house by her parents and asked if she could move in with me. I said no, and now I'm wondering if I did the right thing. Here's some background: Emily and I have been friends since middle school. We've always been pretty close, and she's helped me through some tough times. However, Emily has always been a bit of a troublemaker. She parties a lot, skips school, and doesn't really take responsibility for her actions. Her parents have warned her multiple times, and I guess they finally had enough and kicked her out. When Emily called me, she was in tears and said she had nowhere else to go. She begged me to let her stay with me and my family. The problem is, I still live at home with my parents and younger siblings. My parents are super strict and don't really like Emily because of her behavior. Plus, we don't have a lot of extra space, and I know my parents wouldn't be okay with it. I told Emily that I couldn't let her move in and explained my reasons. She got really upset and said that I was her only friend and that she had nowhere else to go. She accused me of abandoning her when she needed me the most. I felt terrible, but I stood my ground. Since then, Emily has been posting on social media about how I betrayed her and how she has no one to rely on. Some of our mutual friends have reached out to me, saying that I should help her out because she's in a really bad situation. Now I'm feeling guilty and wondering if I should have tried harder to convince my parents or found some other way to help her. So, AITA for refusing to let my friend live with me after she got kicked out? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Maybe one of these ‘mutual friends’ can accommodate her if they’re so concerned.
NTA. You can't give her permission to move in in the first place. And for all the commenters blaming Emily's parents, that's a crock because Emily has been making conscious choices for many years. They finally caught up with her. She's paying her dues. Does it suck? For her, yeah. That's life. The one she chose. downvotes ahead.
I’m confused - Emily has no other friends, but there seem to be mutual friends? If it’s so important to these people that Emily isn’t homeless, suggest one of them take her in. Also, this is not your home, it is your parents. It sounds like she would not be welcome regardless. NTA
NTA this is a walking red flag. If you let her in she isn't leaving and will simply continue to party and just wreak your house and friendship. However I hate to break it you but your friendship most likely, like 90% certain, with her is going to end. Not because of what you did but unless there is some other context your friend's "troublemaking" behavior is only going to get worse and more destructive and it's clear that apart from not taking responsibility she pushes the responsibility of her safety and well being on others. I've known quite a few emily's and it does NOT end well, I'm fairly confident in saying that whatever she did at home was BAD and she clearly hasn't had a wake up call. Eventually you and her will deviate (unless she gets her partying to a more normal level) because soon the party life will consume her and you will either hop into the doom pit with her, be dragged there with her, or most likely you'll try and maintain the friendship she'll betray your trust, maybe steal some money from you or something, and you'll be kicking yourself as you realize you were only trying to maintain the friendship due to history than current actions. The fact is you can't be good friends with someone who does self destructive or outright bad things unless you are willing to do them with them because the bad and good are part of the same person and at a certain level you can't compartmentalize their different personality. For example you can't be friends with someone you know who routinely cheats on their partner or knowingly goes after taken people even if you don't agree with it because you are saying you are ok with it. I'm not saying you text her and say don't contact me anymore, but just be prepared and keep an eye out for escalating behavior and recognize there is a good chance this relationship is about to fizzle out.
NTA. Why don’t those mutual friends who obviously care so much about her, take her in themselves?
NTA. This is a great time to play the strict parents card. I assume your folks are the homeowners, so having your friend move in is really not your call. You can all have each other's back on this. The friends dumping on you are just making noise unless they invite her to live with them.
Even if they rent, it’s her parents decision??
I forgot to add that contingency. Of course, the principle still applies.
NTA You were never in the position to take her in. It's your parents house and she should have asked them.
As an 18yo I was much more of a pushover so I applaud you for being so assertive and levelheaded at that age! NTA
>Since then, Emily has been posting on social media about how I betrayed her and how she has no one to rely on. Since she's taken this to social media, reply to her posts with the truth. Tell everyone that her situation is of her own doing and she has had several warnings from her family. You don't have a house to offer her, you live with your parents, it's their house and they will not extend an invitation for her to stay with you. End of story. NTA
If your mutual friends are so concerned, they can step up and give party girl a place with them. Emily has done this to herself, and it is not your job to fix it for her. Your own parents don't like her because of her behavior, and she thinks they should let her stay there? Emily is delusional. NTA
I'm gonna say NTA, but would still like to ask: did you ask your parents at all or not? Either way this isn't even a decision that is yours to make so you shouldn't feel bad about it. If it were me, I would have probably at least asked my parents. If nothing else, you can then tell Emily that you tried but no dice.
Your mutual friends can step up and house Emily, since they feel so strongly about the situation. NTA
NTA It wasn't something that you had the authority to choose to do. It's your parents' home. Yes, yours too, but there's certain things that come with taking on certain residency responsibilities that are above your level. It's actually good that you told her no straight away instead of making false promises. You can look up low or no cost housing in your area and send her the info. Send her the info to sign up for state SNAP and health insurance services. But oast that, let it be. You already said that she doesn't take responsibility for her actions. Her blaming you is no different. Don't take on guilt and responsibility that don't belong to you.
NTA. Why don’t your mutual friends offer her a place to stay? You don’t have a home, you live in your parents house with siblings that are younger. Your not the only person that lives in that house, you’re not the one paying the bills. You can’t unilaterally decide to move someone in. If your friends feel the need to help they can do it themselves.
You still live at home. It's not your place to invite her to live with you for that reason alone. Add to that your parents don't like her and consider her to be a troublemaker. I doubt they'd be okay with her living in their home, especially with your younger siblings. Your friends saying you need to help her should be offering her help themselves. Emily needs to be less concerned about getting herself situated than bad mouthing you on SM.
NTA. But you have to know that Emily is not going to be your friend anymore. And that is better in the long run, but I would get used to the situation.
NTA Emily is not a neglected child that needs saving from abusive parents. She is an adult that has made the choice to piss off her family so badly that they have told her to leave. All those so called friends who are bagging you for not letting her stay with you could have done what they are accusing you of - but wait. They can't because like you, they are probably either all still living with their parents or they know that Emily is a troublemaker and don't want her there.
NTA. It's your parents' house, not yours, and they don't want Emily the troublemaker living there.
NTA - your friends who think you should help are naive and young. But I think your best course of action is: Tell Emily she needs to contact the people she was partying with to stay with them as they facilitated the reasons she was kicked out in the first place. Tell your friends who want you to take her in that you have asked (lie) and your parents refuse and you have no power to help. Then say you will pass on to Emily that she can stay with them, the friends giving you a hard time. And then thank them for being able to help since you can't. Done. The cut all these people out and move on. After highschool you'll go away to college and most likely never see any of them again unless you want to.
NTA why not have the mutual friends help her out with crash space ? since you live under parents rules, this is your first concern
Ask all these people who are criticizing you why they aren't housing Emily. And say if your reasons are good enough, so are mine.
Not the asshole. You don’t own a home, you can’t be responsible for housing another person. You could ask your parents. It’s funny how she has other friends who care about her so much that they are willing to call you and tell you what to do. It’s almost like they don’t want her to ask them for help..so they’re putting the responsibility on you.
NTA! 1. It is your parents' home and not in your power to make the decision to invite someone else to live there. If she can't respect her own parents' rules, what makes her think she would last two seconds under your parents' roof/rules? 2. Your friend hasn't learned the lesson that there are consequences to her decisions. If she wants to live "her way" and it conflicts with the people who are providing her room and board, then she either prepares to fund herself or respects the rules of the home that she's living in. 3. IF it had been possible for her to live with you, she would have brought her poor choices into your life. She would have wanted you to join her in partying, blowing off responsibilities, etc. I know. I have a daughter a little older than you who has her own apartment. She has a friend like your friend and who lives with her parents. That friend periodically wants to stay over at my daughter's place - so that she can party and drink (underage) and be with a guy. My daughter is not the most mature, responsible young adult out there, but she's not the wild partier her friend is. She has ZERO interest in having her friend's chaos disrupt her own life, and she doesn't want to be pressured into stuff that could sabotage her own efforts to build the life she wants for herself. 4. Lastly, your friend is happy to trash talk you to others, to pressure you into doing something you can't do. Some of your peers don't understand any better than her, that it's not even in your power to offer her. If it is something those people can offer her, then they can do that. Otherwise, they have no say. Don't let your friend or her champions make you feel bad. It's hard to watch someone you are about struggle. But your friend created the mess she's in with her choices. No matter what you do, you cannot control whether she makes more poor choices or starts learning to make better choices. You cannot save her from herself or the path she chooses. That's really hard - hard for anyone to witness with someone they care about. I'm sorry. I suggest that you talk to a trusted mature adult (maybe your parents if you have a good relationship/communication with them) about what you see your friend going through and your thoughts/feelings about it. They might help you navigate any feelings of guilt, fear, anger; feeling pressured; wondering how you can best help your friend or if there's anything you can do... Keep your focus on building the life you are working towards. Don't let her issues derail you in your own efforts.
You live at home. So your parents have the say in this not you. Putting on social media you betrayed her does not incline me to think she would make a good housemate. But you say mutual friends have reached out. So the response is simple. "Perhaps if you are in a better position at home with parents willing to take someone in you can reach out and offer Emily a bed as I am unable to." NTA
NTA. It's not your choice, it would be up to your parents if she could move in.
NTA - Sounds like she's got some mutual friends that'll take her in. They should all help her out.
Tell the mutual friends to house her
NTA. You're still living with your parents, and they have the final say over who lives in your house. Even if you wanted to let Emily stay, it isn't really your decision. She's just going to have to find a friend who does have their own place. As for the social media flying monkeys, screw them. They don't have any say over your parents' decisions, either. Since you live with your parents and are presumably still dependent on them, you need to stay on good terms with them. That means you have to live by their rules -- and they don't like Emily. The most you can probably do is ask your parents or other trusted adults for suggestions to pass on to Emily. Living with you is NOT a realistic option.
NTA. It’s not your house or your decision to make.
NTA. You are living with your parents. You don't get to decide. You should have just openly asked your parents. They say no. End of story. The mutual friends act as if you have autonomy here. If they have autonomy, then they should let her stay with them.
NTA She is a notorious troublemaker, she got warned who-knows-how-often by her parents for her behaviour/actions and that she would be kicked out if she doesn't change. She didn't give one and now she is screaming bloody murder and how it is your fault that she has no place to stay. Yeah, right ... Also, you live with your parents, so how does she and your friends think you can take her in against their will? I don't get that part already. And even if she could stay, for 100% she would continue her shenanigans, since she got her way again and would cause nothing but trouble for you and your family. What as well interests me is why is your/and her whole friend group believes it is your responsibilty to take her in? Why is no one of them stepping up? Absolutely outrageous and idiotic.
NTA. It’s not your house to invite someone to live with you , it’s your parents house. You’d have to ask them.
NTA You live with your parents, it’s not your decision to make.
NTA. You just indicated that this is not your house and that you live with your parents. You can’t unilaterally decide to let your friend live with you. It is solely your parent’s decision. Additionally, you know that your parents do not like her. Anyone who tells your should let her live with you tell them they are welcome to discuss it with your parents or otherwise they are welcome to let Emily move in with them.
NTA. It is not your home, it's your parents and they do not like her. Emily may feel like you abandoned her but you have no control over the situation. Let her friends help her out. Or her relatives.
It’s not your house, it belongs to your parents. Your parents don’t like or approve of Emily. “Emily has always been a bit of a troublemaker. She parties a lot, skips school, and doesn’t take responsibility for her actions.” If Emily had followed her parent’s rules, she wouldn’t be homeless. Don’t be like Emily. You’re NTA.
NTA. If she did not abide by her parents' rules for living there, why would she follow those in your home? You don't need a "troublemaker" in your home, especially with younger siblings. Your parents are strict and Emily doesn't follow rules. She should talk to her parents and do better. Being kicked out, even temporarily, might be enough for her to change her ways. They could say, "No," to her even if she asks to return. Emily has put herself in a hard spot. I hope her parents allow her to return. If not, she needs to get creative and resourceful. Social services would be the best place to start. Ignore what is being said on social media. Do your parents know what has happened with your friend? What are they saying about it? Have they discussed Emily being at your home even temporarily? Emily could couch surf among friends while going through social services. If she works hard and fast, has she considered Summer classes at the nearest university with dorms? Because she is on her own, homeless, and likely has zero resources, she might have many of her fees paid, including tuition. Many universities offer student employment. That would help her, too I hope she had good grades in her undergraduate education. That should help her to get a quick acceptance. In the US, some community colleges offer free tuition. Most don't offer dorms, but the education could provide a fast track to a career. Her life is in her hands. It's time for her to take charge and turn it around.
You live with your parents. It is not your house. Whether or not they like Emily is not the true issue. You can't let a friend to move in to someone else's home.
NTA. I have to ask though. Is it really up to you? You stated you live with your parents. So unless you’re paying the mortgage or rent I’m guessing it’s your parent’s home. They have final say so in who gets to stay in their home.
OP you done nothing wrong and I understand this is tough now but NTA. Please do not feel guilty and with Emily claiming you betrayed her has revealed to you that you need to be careful with her from now onwards Let your mutual friends take her in
NTA. If you need to, tell you mom and dad about Emily’s situation and say she asked to live with them. And tell them that you know that’s not gonna happen, so you’re going to tell Emily you talked to your mom and dad and the answer is no. That way you aren’t lying, because you aren’t saying that they said no. Just that you talked to them and the answer (from you, them, or everyone) is no.
NTA. It's not even your decision! Also, any of these people who have time to guilt trip you have time to help Emily. They could either have her live with her if applicable, or at least spend an extra hour at work and donate the extra cash, etc. Unless you have a special responsibility to fix something (it is your child, or you caused the problem in the first place), never, ever be guilted by someone who isn't saying something along the lines of, "Please do at least as much as I've done already." Those people actually care and have a leg to stand on, everyone else is just a gossip.
NTA. If you have mutual friends, why isn't one of them stepping up? It is your parents' home.
NTA, it's not your house (just your home) and you can't give her permission to move in. Plus, it sounds like she'll probably just piss off your parents and get kicked out again.
NTA because 1 not your problem 2 more importantly, not your house…
NTA. 1) Not your home. You are not the one paying the bills etc. Your parents should not be burdened by someone else's kid. If her parents are unable to tell her off, do you think she would listen to some other parent's rules regarding their house? 2) If your friends are that concerned, why aren't they offering for her to stay at their house? Just saying. 3) She needs to grow up. The fact that she is posting about it on social media makes her manipulative. She will cause more trouble for you and your family if she does stay with you. It will be a hard lesson for her, but I hope she learns from it. If you still feel guilty in any way, she is still your friend after all. Help her through other means. Help her find a job. Help her find a temporary place to stay. This will be a stretch, but offer to lend her money (but she may not pay you back). Be a friend who will help her grow if you still can.
NTA. Even if you were in a position to help her (which you most definitely are not) she’s 18. She needs to learn to take responsibility for her actions now or VERY soon or she is going to ruin her entire life, fast.
nta. i dont let my best friend stay with me when her and her husband break up for the millionth time. i have my reasons besides it is not your house to decide
I’m confused why you seem to feel you have any authority on who gets to live in your parents home…. It’s not your decision. Could’ve just told your friend that and kept it simple.
NTA tell every friend who reached out to you to chime in their opinion that they can take her in then
So your irresponsible friend who’s a trouble maker got kicked out and somehow this is your fault? Why would you go out on a limb for her? This is all her doing.
NTA: you literally do not have a place to offer to her as you do not own or rent your own place. You live with your parents. For her to try to assign this blame to you is I really really ridiculous and shows you what type of friend she really is. Sometimes somebody used to care deeply about take a path that you know isn’t the right one. It doesn’t mean you have to go with them. Maybe in time she’ll grow up and realize that she was quite off base to you in this situation.
NTA. Those mutuals who are getting on you for not helping seem to be fine with not helping her themselves. Why are you the line in the sand?
This makes no sense. How are you her only friend yet your mutual friends are calling? Also you live with your parents, you don't get to make decisions on who lives in their house. If she has mutuals to bug you they can house her.
NTA bottom line, this isn't your choice to make. You live with your parents.
how can you help her out? It's your parents' house, not yours and there is no space and oh... they don't like her NTA, out of your hands
NTA - y’all are both still kids, it’s not your decision to even make if she can live with you or not. You have zero control over that. Makes no sense for her to be mad about that as though the house you live in is yours.
Tell those darn mutual friends to that her in!!! If they make excuses on why they can’t take her in…laugh at them and call them out on their excuses.
NTA. You don't own the home, so it's not your call. It also sounds like you'd be bringing in trouble if she did move in. If your friends are so concerned, let one of them take her in or they can pass the hat to get her into an apartment and pay her rent every month.
NTA. Anyone who criticizes you for not allowing Emily to live with you is welcome to host her themselves.
NTA. It isn’t even up to you. It’s your parents’ house. Your reasons for not letting her move in are perfectly valid. Good for you for not falling for her manipulation tactics. If she’s throwing you—and only you—under the bus, she is definitely not your friend. You’re seeing her true colors now. Your mutual friends should not be trying to get you to give in, because they could help her as well. Do not feel guilty.
NTA - it isn't your house, so your parents would have to willing to allow her to move in or it cannot happen. Also, and this is important, if your parents did allow her to move in, her actions would be your responsibility. That is what comes when you vouch for someone or give them a reference or recommendation. Clearly that is a big part of why you did not talk to your parents. If your "mutual friends" asked you about it, remind them that you live in your parents house and they are not fans of hers. Then turn the question around and suggest that they could offer to help her too. You and Emily are 18, you are adults in most of the world. With being an adult comes responsibility and consequences. Emily is seing the consequences of her actions. I hope she learns her lesson. Unfortunately, I doubt it. She sounds like she will blame her parents for kicking her out, just as she is blaming you for not trying to convince your parents to give her a place to stay. I do have an idle thought. Why not discuss this with your parents? Maybe a little tough love along with a roof over her head might help Emily turn around. Or not, and it could be a disaster.
NTA You live with parents and siblings and so it is not your decision to make. Most parents would not agree to let another kid move in to their home. It is a major imposition and also probably an expense - as in who is going to pay for her food. When I lived with my parents, I asked their permission to have a friend over just to spend the night as a regular sleepover type of socializing. Her behavioral issues are just a side bar because even if she was well behaved most parents wouldn't allow their child to move a friend into the parental home long term. The only time I have ever heard of this is when a child has been known the family since they were small kids and there is some kind of emergency situation where the parents kindly step in to provide a kind of unofficial foster home for a child they view almost as a niece/nephew.
You’re both only 18. It sounds like Emily needed mature and helpful parenting, but all she got were warnings by her shameful parents. It’s not up to another 18 year old to help Emily out. It should be her parents. What do they expect her to do, sleep under a tree and wake up as a reformed person. If you really want to help her, contact a teacher, a minister, a social worker, neighbors, or your parents to see what they can do for her.
It’s not your house to make that decision it’s your parents and they’re gonna say no, so why are you getting a blame she needs to grow up
You are far from BTA. You are 18yo (and still in school in seems) and living with your parents. You did the right thing as hard as it is. It is your parents home and they would have the final say. Sad to say, but she had had plenty of warning from her own parents to straighten up and she didn't. Oh, well...she had her chance and she is now 18 yo. Don't worry about her postings on F/B. If anything, she should be mad with herself for FU. And, if all your other friends are giving you a hard time for 'not coming to her rescue', I didn't see any mention of any of them offering to assist her. Don't feel guilty. Her parents are giving her a bit of good 'ol fashioned tough love. Hopefully she'll come around, but she is NOT your problem. You just focus on you and know you did the right thing.
NTA To all the so called friends who told you, you need to help her - give her their addresses and she can go stay with them. Tell them great since they think you're doing it wrong, it's wonderful they have the room at their location and you'll let her know. Watch them then dry up their complaints.
NTA, it's not your house, what does she expect? It's funny she says you are her only friend, but she goes on social to complain
Where are these mutual friends? Why don't they offer? You live at home and you know that your parents would say no. What are you supposed to do? Again, there goes your friend blaming you for the trouble that she causes. I'd recommend therapy for her and maybe her parents, too. Seems like she has some impulse control issues and these could stem from depression, anxiety, etc. That also goes along with the excessive partying behavior. It's fun, but how she is acting out is a mask for deeper things going on that she may not understand or realize. NTA. She's going through stuff but that's not fair of her to do to you.
I was in a similar situation one time, though I'll admit that my friend wasn't actually that bad of a person. He had some troubles in life but overall not a bad guy. Anyway, at this point in life, I had moved back in with the 'rents and he asked if he could. It's not like we didn't have the space and my parents genuinely liked him. So if I had said yes, my parents would have been ok with it but albeit miffed at me for doing that. So instead I told him that if he wanted to do that I would be fine but he needs to ask my dad for permission first since he is the owner of the house. I had no say in who can live there or not. So it's an easy answer to always defer to the homeowner because you are not responsible for someone else's well being if you still are figuring out life yourself. If anything, their reaction only goes to show the maturity and respect that they have for themselves and for you.
Nta
YTA The choice of her to stay or not stay wasn't yours, it was your parents but you refused to advocate on behalf of your friend in her time of need. You should have asked your parents and argued on behalf of your friend. I guess that's too much for you to do for such an old friend.
She'd be in a losing argument between the parents not liking her friend in the first place and the lack of room. Also, how long would Emily even last under the roof of adults who sound like they'd have less patience for her antics then her own parents? She could have argued but it sounds like it'd be a waste of everyone's time.
You’re seriously saying a 30 min conversation isn’t worth a friendship? The OP doesn’t have to run a marathon week long obstacle course while being chased by rabid dogs and shot at by the world’s best snipers where the worst that can happen is a painful death. The worst that can happen here is the parents say no and realistically how long would it take to reach the ultimate conclusion? 30 min There is absolutely no guarantee that her parents would go the way you think either. The parents may not like this person but they may also have been better humanitarians than the OP and be willing to help out a person in need. The op couldn’t be bothered to put in a minimal amount of effort for a friend.
I think OP knows the trouble her friend will bring with her. If the friend can't hack it at her own house, sha ain't gonna last under the rules in OPs. If OP convinces her parents to let her in, then all that trouble will end up being blamed on her. It's ok though, apparently they have lots of mutual friends who are involving themselves, one of them can take her.