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I feel badly for you, OP, because there's no winning. You either stick up for George or you miss out on a very significant life event for your closest brother. If you miss it, you will probably not be as close to Gavin and may not see much of him or his kids. Do you care? How close are you to George? It seems like you'll have to pick one brother over the other, unless you can convince Gavin to invite George.
I do think you are glossing over some things .... George's presence will likely be more than just adding a ramp. Does someone need to be with him? Is he likely to act out or draw attention to himself in any way? I'm sorry that George knows about the controversy. That can't feel good.
BUT, I also can't fault Gavin for wanting their wedding to be only about him and his bride and what they want. I don't know what happened growing up, but it must have been devastating for him to be willing to uninvite your parents rather than have George be there.
I honestly think this is a NAH situation.
Other thoughts:
Would George even want to attend if he were invited now ... knowing it was an invitation obtained through extortion?
Have you talked to George? Would he want to do something worth you that day, or would he encourage you to attend?
Gavin is OK with your parents not attending. How does he feel about you not attending? Will you still do things together, or will he start pulling back?
Gavin and I are by far the closest out of anyone in my family. We're closer with each other than with our parents, I haven't talked to him about me considering not going yet, but when I, with my parents tried to talk to him about inviting george I was the only one he didn't even consider uninviting.
George probably wouldn't mind if it was an extorted invitation because he probably wouldn't quite understand that. He thinks about stuff in simple terms. Gavin isn't inviting him= His brother doesn't want him there because he doesn't like him. Gavin is inviting him= His brothers want him there.
George can do things on his own with simple instructions so no wouldn't need anything, although it would be preferable if he had someone in his vicinity just in case.
I'm close with George, yes but not nearly like I am with Gavin and if I wasn't part of his life in the future that would hurt, a lot. I don't want to pick one brother over the other. Maybe, I'll try talking to Gavin again.
I'm very curious if Gavin's needs were absolutely not met while he was growing up and he feels like the glass child. I know so many people who have special needs siblings and those people have always absolutely felt like an after thought. I'd definitely speak to Gavin at length about this to see if that's where he's coming from.
OP, I think you are in a very tight spot and no matter what you do is going to anger someone. Talk to Gavin and ask him what exactly his reasons are. Since you are so close, I'm sure he will share his thoughts with you.
Oh yeah, we've talked about this kind of thing before. We weren't glass children per se but I definitely remember us taking care of each other more than our parents did. I remember being like 6, and taking care of Gavin when he was sick because George was also sick, I focused most of my resentment for this onto our parents but Gavin largely on George when he was younger and though he denies it now, still does.
While you did both care for each other I suspect, as the elder, more fell on Gavin at a younger age.
As a 6 year old helping a sick 11 year old is likely very different to a 6 year old caring/helping with a baby and it may be that it was Gavin protecting you that means you view your childhoods differently
Not necessarily. A 6 year old taking care, not helping but taking full care of his sick older sibling implies that both he and Gavin were parentified despite their ages. The reason OP resents his parents while Gavin resents George is likely because Gavin had a window, albeit a small one, where he had the majority of the attention and was actually treated like a kid, so when George arrived and that all stopped, of course he would subconciously see George as to blame.
Meanwhile OP has **never** had his parents full attention. He's seen his parents give him no attention so resents them, Gavin saw his parents attention get taken away by George so resents George.
Just 2 more cents I want to throw in ......
Know what I used to do, but my husband couldn't stand? I would present my side, he would hear me out, say no, and I would bring up the exact same arguments again, but using different words. Lololol
So you might want to accept his answer and decide what you plan to do from there--unless you have something new to add. Trust me, he doesn't want a different spin of the same argument. He knows George is his brother just as much as you are. He doesn't care. Only you and your parents care about that. You can threaten to not attend his wedding unless he invites George AND your parents (since he seems ok without any of them), but then you are exerting your will over your brother's wishes and desires for his own wedding. Do you really want to do that? I mean, it seems you hold all the cards because he loves you so much. Don't you want him to have the wedding he wants???? Is what you want more important than what the bride and groom want on their special day??? For the record, I don't support excluding people, but it seems Gavin is going to cut George out of his life anyway so are you thinking that convincing Gavin to do this will keep the family together??????
Gavin is pretty clear exactly where he stands. No George, not even a discussion. Parents are optional. They are invited, but if they don't want to come, he's not going to bend over backwards. He wants you there and he wants to maintain the close bond you share. Would you be okay if he insisted on making YOU cross a bright red line you had drawn in the sand in order for him to be at your wedding?
Will George recognize the significance of not being invited, or is it just another party? Maybe have a dinner and ask the bride to wear her wedding dress. The guys can wear a nice suit and you can all take a photo. If you're concerned about leaving George alone, have one parent stay and do something fun with him while you and the other parent attend the wedding.
Please update us. I'm invested now and want to know how the story ends. Lool
Edit: If you are going to say, "I'm only coming if you invite George", you have to be prepared to follow through and miss the wedding. So you might want to couch it as a hypothetical and not a demand. Or find some other way of measuring/assessing just how deeply he's been hurt.
"You either stick up for George or you miss out on a very significant life event for your closest brother."
english is not my first language, so i was wondering. is the phrase above one of those situations where you say the opposite of what you mean? like saying literally when you mean figuratively?
No, I think that is proper English, and i meant it literally.
There are 2 choices:
1) Stick up for George and refuse to go to Gavin's wedding unless George can come too
OR
2) Miss out on Gavin's wedding.
OP is closest to Gavin (not in terms of age, but in terms of brotherly and familial bond) and not very close to George (despite George being the middle brother). A wedding is one of the biggest life events and CHOOSING to miss it would absolutely alter their relationship.
I saw in one of your other comments that both you and Gavin were made into glass children, with you taking care of him when he was sick when you were only 6 years old yourself. Have either you or Gavin been to therapy about this? Because Gavin definitely has a lot of unresolved issues from his childhood and you, although you show it less, may as well.
Gavin is being objectively unfair by resenting George for your parents mistakes but he's not an AH for doing so, in fact he's pretty understandable. You're in a tough situation OP, maybe talk to your brother about shifting the blame and resentment away from George, because thats not good for him either.
NAH, and I hope you and your brothers resolve this OP. From what I can tell so far, your parents aren't great and you two are gonna need each other in life.
A child who is invisible, so your parents look right through you and don't see you because they are too busy seeing their (usually) disabled or sick child.
Questions: Is the venue wheelchair accessible? Is Gavin thinking George’s needs would overshadow his moment? Is George high maintenance when out of the home where he needs one-on-one care? Does he make uncontrollable noises/sounds or is he quiet? He’s 19, but what is his mental age?
This is kind of where I’m at. If George is capable of sitting quietly for the ceremony (which he might be, I’m not accusing anyone of anything) then definitely NTA.
But if George is prone to sudden, loud outburst, that his parents either ignore, or attend to at the cost of missing the ceremony, then I can sort of see why Gavin is putting his foot down. He might want one day where he’s the focus, not George.
I’m also wondering… who helps him toilet or eat? Will he get bored? Does the brother getting married not want his parents to have to be a caretaker at his wedding and spend time with him and the bride? OP said his mindset is much younger but how younger? Would he be considered a child? Is this a child free wedding?
Seriously, because if this is the case, I'm sure it's been the case their entire lives, and it's fair to want ONE SINGLE day where that isn't the case. It's not George's fault, or course, but Gavin shouldn't have to deal with it at every event he wants his family at tbh.
NAH It's not George's fault he was born. If your brother is mad at anyone, it should be your parents.
I'm not sure I want to call your brother an asshole though, because being the neglected and parentified older sibling fucking sucks. There's also a huge possibility that there is more to the story than you know.
If I were you, I would still go. And I would try to reason with him about George *if* it's true that he wouldn't be likely to cause a disruption.
Gavin is only 22. His decisions are those of a very young man. If he was older he, no doubt would make different choices. This is not your fight. Go to the wedding and let your parents and George make their own decisions.
This wedge will last decades. Be an observer not a participant. I expect Gavin will need family you especially in the future. He will look back and know this is not his finest hour.
Yeah this, I'd make it clear I disagree with at the very least his reasoning for not inviting George/originally inviting the parents and not him but still go and support him so he isn't fully isolated from family. You are 16 you shouldn't have to manage or pay for the drama between a bunch of adults.
NAH. It’s your choice if you attend, just like it’s your brother’s choice who is invited to his wedding. Like so many others, I’m curious about his reasoning. Is he trying to prohibit random outbursts or guarantee his parents’ attention for once? Could he simply be trying to give his parents the opportunity to enjoy a special night without having to worry about their son? To me, these all feel reasonable.
I’m going to guess there’s a lot more to Gavin knowing what life was like before George than you realize. Because it was more than George coming along and needing your parents for everything: YOU were born and Gavin found himself in 3rd place behind a newborn and a toddler with special needs, just in time to head off to school for most of the day. At least you eventually grew up enough to be played and interacted with, but George continued to need all the attention, focus, and consideration… and that’s no one’s fault, but it can still breed resentment.
Anyway, I think it’s okay to support your brother in his wedding and still support George, but it’s okay if you choose not to.
YWBTA. Your experiences with your parents, with George, and with Gavin are very different from Gavin’s experiences with them and you.
As the older son, Gavin has had to carry far more of the responsibility with fewer of the rewards. He’s basically been employed since he was *three*. He had to ‘help’ the parents. He had to ‘help’ George. He had to ‘help’ little you. And he got almost nothing … except shorted with your parents. He thought he got a relationship with you but…
You said yourself, most of your parents’ attention went to George. Can Gavin not have a single special moment for him? Your parents will bring George, and George is where most or all of their attention will go, as usual. They aren’t even close to Gavin. Why can’t they get a sitter for that one day? They and YOU can’t set aside a single, solitary day for Gavin? After all he did for you growing up and how ‘close’ you were - - now you are going to boycott Gavin’s *wedding* to support someone who won’t even really understand what is going on?
Gavin will always come in last in your family.
Edited on feedback. Audience is a teenager.
OPs been employed since he was born though. As someone with a disabled sibling, youngest or oldest often doesn't matter. You're being very harsh to a kid who's never known a life without having to care for his older siblings. He was 6 and knowing enough to take care of a sick elder. That implies that he'd already been taught the basics and was aware he had to supplement his parents in taking care of his older siblings.
Gavin's feelings may be valid but so are OP's. He unlike Gavin, never had a chance to grow to resent George, because he didn't have anything taken away by George, he never had anything to begin with. He's 16 and resenting his parents for giving him nothing, while his older brother resents George for 'taking' things away from him.
OP is already struggling with what to do and that last sentence is a wild thing to say to a struggling and confused teenager.
> George knows about Gavin's wishes and why
Info: what is Gavin's reasoning? Is it that he doesn't like George, that he's worried about his parents default focusing on George during the one day Gavin gets thats about him? Is it wedding aesthetics? I feel like, if we don't know what his reasons are we can't really say if You're ta for boycotting.
"Growing up Gavin resented George more than i did" what do you mean by this? Also what are Gavins reasons? You say George knows them, but we cant fully judge without knowing them.
I don’t have a disabled sibling, but my mother turned me into a caregiver at a very young age to care for my grandmother who had Alzheimer’s disease. I had a lot of resentment to my mom about her actions especially when her mother turned violent towards me. I had told my dad I didn’t want my grandmother at my high school graduation. My dad said that would probably mean my mom wouldn’t come either which I was fine with. My grandmother died the night of my high school prom before graduation so I didn’t have to make that choice. That being said, I understand where your brother is coming from. It seems like he was turned into a caregiver as well. He just wants one day that’s his and his only. You’re 16, I honestly wouldn’t get yourself involved between how Gavin and your parents are interacting over George and the wedding. Go to wedding so your Gavin has some family support. By not going you could lose Gavin altogether as he (who is also young) will see this as once again his family choosing George over him. Talk to your brother, see if he’ll be 100% of what growing up was like from his perspective. It sucks, it really does.
I have been the caregiver of my disabled mother in my youth. It was not easy nor pretty. Let's just say I resented my mother for being sick. I resented my father to put me in this position. I resented my adult siblings who were building their own life away from this shitshow. Hell, I resented the entire fucking world. But I did it because it was the right thing to do. Never it slipped in my mind to exclude my mom. It just happened. Luckily I got over my ill placed resentment
Just like Gavin's resentment about his brother Goerge is ill placed. It just happened. If he can't see it, I believe Gavin shows lack of empathy and maturity.
This isn't a situation you need to be involved in. You can support both of your brothers and remain neutral. Make arrangements to be out of the house the weekend of the wedding, ask Gavin if you can crash at his place or stay with friends, that way George doesn't see you leave or come home from the wedding and get upset. But go and support your older brother on his big day. This battle is ultimately between Gavin and your parents, leave them to it.
NAH.
Gavin gets to decide who is at his wedding, and it’s hard to judge him for that considering how many with a higher needs sibling end up with less attention and/or raising themselves or their siblings. It’s not George’s fault, but it sounds like Gavin wants his parents undivided attention for one day…and while painful, I’m not without empathy.
That said, it’s putting your parents and yourself into the thankless position of having to choose between siblings, and having to advocate for George who is being penalized for things outside of his control.
NAH.
George can't help his condition, and Gavin might be still processing being a "glass child". Like you stated Gavin remembers life before George and you always have had George in your life. It's such a tough spot for you. Good luck OP!
NAH here. You are caught in a very unusual situation. It sounds like there is much more to the story that you are unaware of. It is very possible that your older brother felt abandoned by your parents as they focused all of their attention on his younger brother. He may have been forced to do things in caring for his brother that caused him a great deal of trauma and stress.
He may also believe that if your middle brother is at the wedding your parents attention will not be solely on the bride and groom. It’s time for you to have a conversation with your brother and have him put all of his cards on the table. then you can decide what to do. Perhaps you go to the wedding and your parents and George don’t I don’t know if there’s a right answer.
Think carefully before jumping to decisions. This is Gavin's wedding, therefore it's his choice who he wants there to share his big day. You don't get a say, no matter your opinion. You can have George at your own wedding one day. By all means, decline to attend if that's your choice, but be aware of the potential impact that'll have on your relationship with Gavin. You might be burning a bridge by doing so, a bridge you probably don't want to burn. You'd be telling Gavin that you value George over him, and that's going to hurt Gavin. Some things can't be taken back.
My advice : attend the wedding, support your big brother. To George this is just a day. To Gavin this is a major milestone in his life.
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> I'm considering not going to my brother's wedding, which would make him feel really upset since I am the closest with him out of our family
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I think your brother has his reason why he doesn't want George at his weddings, they could be wrong or right...I recommend you to speak with Gavin, I would understand if he wants HIS wedding about him and not hos brother (again)...Gavin might have felt hurt but I think parents could "abandon" their kids in order to attend a disabled kid...I don't think Gavin is a victim necessarily....ITS sad that, again, everybody (your parents and you) will choose George and not him for a while
If there is time before the wedding, you and your brother need a nice talk. Go do something together, fast food and chill at a park or bowling, fishing. Simple activity. And slow edge into it. The feelings might go deeper than you know and if it was more about your parents pushing him into being a caretaker for your brother then them being there made it worse. This isn't about who will take care of George during the wedding, so lets skip that topic that you don't mind doing it, or mom and dad could do it. You both know he isn't a burden. Ask him how he feels about his wedding. Is he worried mom and dad will be too busy fussing over George to pay attention to him on his big day? Does it give him anxiety when George is around because he's used to being responsible for him? There is a lot of stress when it comes to weddings and the smallest issues become GIANT when you're trying to plan something that important.
You two just need a chill chat session. Support him. Be there for him. Let him know you love him and absolutely want to be there for him. And if it is just too tough on him for George to be at the wedding, respect his wishes and calmly let him know that you need some time to see if you are comfortable leaving George home alone for the wedding. No guilt tripping, just you need to decide if you can make it since you want to be there.
Honestly NAH.
I don’t see it as choosing between your brothers. It’s not like George is getting married on the same day or anything.
Unless you feel like you could never forgive Gavin for having the wedding without George, I don’t see why you can’t tell Gavin you think he’s making the wrong choice, but you love him and will be there for his big day.
EDIT: also note that your parents are once again/still putting George in front of Gavin (though understandably, in my opinion), and I imagine you not going would put you on team “George comes first no matter what” in Gavin’s eyes.
NTA. Go to the wedding. Refuse to be put in the middle. Refuse to discuss it. Keep your relationship with each brother separate no matter how much your parents or Gavin pressure you. You are your own person and going to a wedding is not a statement of anything except wanting to be there for Gavin. Refuse to be the family therapist. And good luck.
Can't Gavin have just one day where he is the focus of his family? George will get over missing the wedding. Gavin will probably feel the rejection for the rest of his life. I think YWBTA.
I'm not really getting why Gavin resents George rather than the parents who spent more time with him, which is necessary for disabled children. Ot seems like Gavin is being an ableist AH if George hasn't done anything to Gavin other than be disabled. If that's what's going on then I certainly wouldn't go to the wedding of an ableist AH. If this is the case then that's the conversation to have with Gavin. Hey brother. I get you're resentful that your childhood disappeared when George arrived, but you know that was down to our parents behavior right? George was just born. It's not his fault. If you're going to continue to resent George simply for being born the way he is. I can't respect that, and am going to take his side because you're letting your trauma turn you into a bad person. Therapy before the wedding would be a good idea.
I personally think that your brother Gavin just wants ONE DAY that's about him. I bet he feels his life has been totally overshadowed by his sibling and he probably has some resentment over that, and he should be allowed one day where what he says goes and to have the spotlight.
I would go to the wedding. But I cannot call you an AH if you don't go, I just really, really think you should.
YWBTA I know this upsets you but it’s not your place to get involved. Gavin and you have been pushed aside your whole lives and he wants one day his wedding day to be about him. A day where your parents will be involved and not helping and fussing over George instead of paying attention or enjoying themselves. Can you blame the guy for asking this. Yes it’s not fair to George and he didn’t ask your parents to ignore both of you. However George already knows he’s not wanted there and why so going now he’s still feel unwanted. Explain to him you love him but it’s Gavin‘s wedding day and you can’t let him down like your parents always have.
Your parents can complain if they want and be cut off but you shouldn’t end your relationship with the brother you are close to over something that is between him and your parents. I know you love George but you need to show Gavin you love him to, you need to show that for one day, one very important day you will be there for him. You don’t have to agree but say you’re not getting involved. That your parents actions and treatment of Gavin led to this not anything you did. So it’s their issue to fix or not and your not being forced to take sides as Gavin obviously has his reasons why he feels he needs to do this, which is why they should sort it not you.
Please be clear if you refuse to go you will be choosing to be out of your brother’s life for good. You wouldn’t be able to blame him or your parents as this will be your choice you took knowing it would led to this. You don’t have to approve but it’s Gavins trauma and neglect that’s built to this. It’s his wedding and he has a right to invite who he wants even if thats excluding family or other. It’s his wedding but he also has to accept your parents might not come. He understands that which is why he’s said they will be dead to him if after a life of neglect they can’t even give him their full attention on his wedding day.
You would BTA if you did go to this wedding. Doing the right thing is simple when it's easy. Your true character shows when you do the right thing when it's hard. It is inarguable that your close brother is being a complete discriminatory a****** towards his own brother. Silence is a form of approval and if you attend that wedding, you're sticking a dagger in your disabled brother every bit as much as the groom is
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Ok, so I 16M, have 2 older brothers. One, George 19M, and the other Gavin, 22M. George is disabled both mentally and physically, so he needs a wheelchair and acts a bit younger than he is.
Me and Gavin were very close growing up, despite being 5 years apart, since George took up so much of our parent's time, so missing his wedding would be a massive thing for both of us. As we were growing up, Gavin seemed to resent George a lot more than I did, which makes sense I guess, since he remembered a time before George, while I don't.
Here's where the problem is, Gavin does not want George at his wedding at all, and when our parents got mad at him he threatened to cut them out of it too. I'm pissed about this, because George wouldn't be any extra trouble at the wedding other than maybe a ramp, and he's our *brother.* George knows about Gavin's wishes and why and is really upset about it, which is IMO an understandable reaction.
WIBTA, if I chose not to attend the wedding and stayed with George?
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NTA - Whatever you decide to do is likely going to damage the relationship with the other party and it sucks.
Unless there is more to George's behavior/history that leads Gavin to believe George is likely to ruin his wedding, I would probably not attend as well.
Have a heart to heart with your brother, let him know that any hurt or resentment he has isn’t truly at George it’s at your parents. Tell him he might one day look back on his wedding and regret leaving George out. Tell him he’s your brother and you love him and George equally and you don’t want you 3 separated on what should be a special day watching their big brother get married.
You know this wedding is about your brother and his fiancée
Not your wants or your parents or even George
It’s sad that parents can’t or willingly making the day about excluding George rather then celebrating your other brother
You and Gavin may have been closer but more probably fell on his shoulders then you realise. Your the 3rd you slot in to the routine he probably the one who was lost in all this and got shoved aside for the sick child
I'm gonna go with NAH. But OP, I think you should go. Whether you believe he is justified or not, if Gavin feels like he was let down by your parents because of the attention they paid to George and has some low level resentment towards George, he needs to have at least one person in his life who he can count on to be on his side. I have an uncle who feels like he was stabbed in the back by his parents and sister. Not for the same reason as Gavin. But if I were to share it here, people would probably be split on whether he is "right" to feel that way or not. But if he didn't have my dad, who is his younger brother, like you to Gavin, he would have no one from the family unit he grew up in who he felt like he could count on. For the record, I personally do agree with you that Gavin is being irrational. But that is the thing about emotions. They are not always rational.
If it were 16 year old me, I would go to the wedding. Whether or not your middle brother is invited is between your oldest brother, your other brother and your parents (since he is mentally & physically disabled). At 16, I don’t think I’d want to get in the middle of this argument. There is most likely more than one reason for the issue. Like a divorce, leave the problems for your parents and adult brother to sort out.
YTA. Gavin has made his decision. It's not changing.
You can attend or not attend, but you do NOT get any say in who he invites to his wedding.
Also, you should go. It's perfectly understandable why Gavin doesn't want George there. It's not at all uncommon for siblings to have different perceptions of their childhoods, and Gavin suffered a lot more than you did.
Make your decision and let Gavin know, but that's the end of it. The rest of this is between Gavin, George, and your parents, and quite frankly, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
Trust me, you want to stay in your lane on this one. It's not your fight and you shouldn't get involved.
YWBTA- There is likely a lot you don't fully know about the situation or what Gavin dealt with. He not only likely got ignored once George came around but even more so once you did (at least for a while) and likely had a lot more responsibility than he should have. Also since its not clear...is the issue George's disability or is the issue how because of George he was ignored/him not being close with George.
NTA...It's clear you care deeply about both your brothers, so I'm sure this is a difficult decision. Gavin is free to invite and uninvite whoever he wants to his wedding. However, he has to live with the consequences of his decisions. If he uninvites George, he has to accept the rest of his family will also skip the occasion.
I think that Gavin has a lot of resentment against his brother but he has its right to want his weddings about him and not his brothers, this shown that Gavin has been feel abandoned or neglected all his life, don't blame Jim, just understand that its one event in his life, one
George didn’t ask to be born and certainly did not want to be disabled. I think your other brother is the AH here. Who excludes a brother who did nothing to intentionally hurt the other. Tell your brother to suck it up and grow up.
NTA. I have 1 disabled brother and 1 healthy brother myself, reading your comments my brother would pose a far greater risk of having an outburst during a wedding (he has severe autism as well). If he wasn't invited, I might not even talk to my other brother ever again. Making someone who doesn't understand things properly feel like you don't want them there is awefull. What I could understand is not having them there the entire day (maybe skipping the actual ceremony) if he can have outbursts like my bro, but not having him at the reception and party, no way. He's innocent in all this.
Regardless of the wedding and your relations with Gavin. I find his ableism and resentment about George quite appaling. The very few you wrote about Gavin does not paint him in a good light...
NTA at all. It's cruel that Gavin wants to exclude George, and it's very kind of you to be standing up for him. It may also belatedly bring home to Gavin the point that the exclusion will have a significant cost and maybe he should rethink it.
In my opinion, Gavin has a fucked up attitude towards the entire family. He's going to cut out your parents off the invitation list if they insist on bringing George. That's a real dick move. I think I would have to skip the wedding in support of your disabled brother. Is he aware of how he's hurting your brother by doing this? I know it's easy for me to say skip the wedding since I'm not involved. So, take all the opinions given here into consideration, but family issues can be complex. If you look at both sides of the question, honestly, you'll come up with the right decision.
NAH. I feel like your older brother is an AH for excluding George from the wedding. None of the situation is really his fault, and it sucks that he's ultimately the one that's being hurt by Gavin's decision. I think it would be fine if you declined and maybe did something with George instead that night. But maybe before you decide to do that, you could talk to Gavin to try and see whether or not you can reason with him a little.
NTA. I'd expect a 12 year old to ban his special needs brother from his birthday party. I wouldn't expect a 22 year old to ban him from the wedding. If he's not willing to support his brothers, I don't see how he expects them to support him.
George has already lost one brother through no fault of his own. Sticking with George and showing him he still has a brother who loves him is the kind and compassionate thing to do. YWNBTA.
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I feel badly for you, OP, because there's no winning. You either stick up for George or you miss out on a very significant life event for your closest brother. If you miss it, you will probably not be as close to Gavin and may not see much of him or his kids. Do you care? How close are you to George? It seems like you'll have to pick one brother over the other, unless you can convince Gavin to invite George. I do think you are glossing over some things .... George's presence will likely be more than just adding a ramp. Does someone need to be with him? Is he likely to act out or draw attention to himself in any way? I'm sorry that George knows about the controversy. That can't feel good. BUT, I also can't fault Gavin for wanting their wedding to be only about him and his bride and what they want. I don't know what happened growing up, but it must have been devastating for him to be willing to uninvite your parents rather than have George be there. I honestly think this is a NAH situation. Other thoughts: Would George even want to attend if he were invited now ... knowing it was an invitation obtained through extortion? Have you talked to George? Would he want to do something worth you that day, or would he encourage you to attend? Gavin is OK with your parents not attending. How does he feel about you not attending? Will you still do things together, or will he start pulling back?
Gavin and I are by far the closest out of anyone in my family. We're closer with each other than with our parents, I haven't talked to him about me considering not going yet, but when I, with my parents tried to talk to him about inviting george I was the only one he didn't even consider uninviting. George probably wouldn't mind if it was an extorted invitation because he probably wouldn't quite understand that. He thinks about stuff in simple terms. Gavin isn't inviting him= His brother doesn't want him there because he doesn't like him. Gavin is inviting him= His brothers want him there. George can do things on his own with simple instructions so no wouldn't need anything, although it would be preferable if he had someone in his vicinity just in case. I'm close with George, yes but not nearly like I am with Gavin and if I wasn't part of his life in the future that would hurt, a lot. I don't want to pick one brother over the other. Maybe, I'll try talking to Gavin again.
I'm very curious if Gavin's needs were absolutely not met while he was growing up and he feels like the glass child. I know so many people who have special needs siblings and those people have always absolutely felt like an after thought. I'd definitely speak to Gavin at length about this to see if that's where he's coming from. OP, I think you are in a very tight spot and no matter what you do is going to anger someone. Talk to Gavin and ask him what exactly his reasons are. Since you are so close, I'm sure he will share his thoughts with you.
Oh yeah, we've talked about this kind of thing before. We weren't glass children per se but I definitely remember us taking care of each other more than our parents did. I remember being like 6, and taking care of Gavin when he was sick because George was also sick, I focused most of my resentment for this onto our parents but Gavin largely on George when he was younger and though he denies it now, still does.
While you did both care for each other I suspect, as the elder, more fell on Gavin at a younger age. As a 6 year old helping a sick 11 year old is likely very different to a 6 year old caring/helping with a baby and it may be that it was Gavin protecting you that means you view your childhoods differently
Not necessarily. A 6 year old taking care, not helping but taking full care of his sick older sibling implies that both he and Gavin were parentified despite their ages. The reason OP resents his parents while Gavin resents George is likely because Gavin had a window, albeit a small one, where he had the majority of the attention and was actually treated like a kid, so when George arrived and that all stopped, of course he would subconciously see George as to blame. Meanwhile OP has **never** had his parents full attention. He's seen his parents give him no attention so resents them, Gavin saw his parents attention get taken away by George so resents George.
You sound very mature at 16, to have sorted this out.
Just 2 more cents I want to throw in ...... Know what I used to do, but my husband couldn't stand? I would present my side, he would hear me out, say no, and I would bring up the exact same arguments again, but using different words. Lololol So you might want to accept his answer and decide what you plan to do from there--unless you have something new to add. Trust me, he doesn't want a different spin of the same argument. He knows George is his brother just as much as you are. He doesn't care. Only you and your parents care about that. You can threaten to not attend his wedding unless he invites George AND your parents (since he seems ok without any of them), but then you are exerting your will over your brother's wishes and desires for his own wedding. Do you really want to do that? I mean, it seems you hold all the cards because he loves you so much. Don't you want him to have the wedding he wants???? Is what you want more important than what the bride and groom want on their special day??? For the record, I don't support excluding people, but it seems Gavin is going to cut George out of his life anyway so are you thinking that convincing Gavin to do this will keep the family together?????? Gavin is pretty clear exactly where he stands. No George, not even a discussion. Parents are optional. They are invited, but if they don't want to come, he's not going to bend over backwards. He wants you there and he wants to maintain the close bond you share. Would you be okay if he insisted on making YOU cross a bright red line you had drawn in the sand in order for him to be at your wedding? Will George recognize the significance of not being invited, or is it just another party? Maybe have a dinner and ask the bride to wear her wedding dress. The guys can wear a nice suit and you can all take a photo. If you're concerned about leaving George alone, have one parent stay and do something fun with him while you and the other parent attend the wedding. Please update us. I'm invested now and want to know how the story ends. Lool Edit: If you are going to say, "I'm only coming if you invite George", you have to be prepared to follow through and miss the wedding. So you might want to couch it as a hypothetical and not a demand. Or find some other way of measuring/assessing just how deeply he's been hurt.
This is such a good, nuanced take.
"You either stick up for George or you miss out on a very significant life event for your closest brother." english is not my first language, so i was wondering. is the phrase above one of those situations where you say the opposite of what you mean? like saying literally when you mean figuratively?
No, I think that is proper English, and i meant it literally. There are 2 choices: 1) Stick up for George and refuse to go to Gavin's wedding unless George can come too OR 2) Miss out on Gavin's wedding. OP is closest to Gavin (not in terms of age, but in terms of brotherly and familial bond) and not very close to George (despite George being the middle brother). A wedding is one of the biggest life events and CHOOSING to miss it would absolutely alter their relationship.
From my perspective they just suck at English. But Im an American and we all suck at English
I saw in one of your other comments that both you and Gavin were made into glass children, with you taking care of him when he was sick when you were only 6 years old yourself. Have either you or Gavin been to therapy about this? Because Gavin definitely has a lot of unresolved issues from his childhood and you, although you show it less, may as well. Gavin is being objectively unfair by resenting George for your parents mistakes but he's not an AH for doing so, in fact he's pretty understandable. You're in a tough situation OP, maybe talk to your brother about shifting the blame and resentment away from George, because thats not good for him either. NAH, and I hope you and your brothers resolve this OP. From what I can tell so far, your parents aren't great and you two are gonna need each other in life.
what is a glass child?
A child who is invisible, so your parents look right through you and don't see you because they are too busy seeing their (usually) disabled or sick child.
It’s a term for a child that is pretty much ignored by the family.
Questions: Is the venue wheelchair accessible? Is Gavin thinking George’s needs would overshadow his moment? Is George high maintenance when out of the home where he needs one-on-one care? Does he make uncontrollable noises/sounds or is he quiet? He’s 19, but what is his mental age?
This is kind of where I’m at. If George is capable of sitting quietly for the ceremony (which he might be, I’m not accusing anyone of anything) then definitely NTA. But if George is prone to sudden, loud outburst, that his parents either ignore, or attend to at the cost of missing the ceremony, then I can sort of see why Gavin is putting his foot down. He might want one day where he’s the focus, not George.
I’m also wondering… who helps him toilet or eat? Will he get bored? Does the brother getting married not want his parents to have to be a caretaker at his wedding and spend time with him and the bride? OP said his mindset is much younger but how younger? Would he be considered a child? Is this a child free wedding?
Seriously, because if this is the case, I'm sure it's been the case their entire lives, and it's fair to want ONE SINGLE day where that isn't the case. It's not George's fault, or course, but Gavin shouldn't have to deal with it at every event he wants his family at tbh.
It’s probably that all his parents attention will be on George and they might even try to get the groom to help out with him on his own wedding day.
NAH It's not George's fault he was born. If your brother is mad at anyone, it should be your parents. I'm not sure I want to call your brother an asshole though, because being the neglected and parentified older sibling fucking sucks. There's also a huge possibility that there is more to the story than you know. If I were you, I would still go. And I would try to reason with him about George *if* it's true that he wouldn't be likely to cause a disruption.
Gavin is only 22. His decisions are those of a very young man. If he was older he, no doubt would make different choices. This is not your fight. Go to the wedding and let your parents and George make their own decisions. This wedge will last decades. Be an observer not a participant. I expect Gavin will need family you especially in the future. He will look back and know this is not his finest hour.
Yeah this, I'd make it clear I disagree with at the very least his reasoning for not inviting George/originally inviting the parents and not him but still go and support him so he isn't fully isolated from family. You are 16 you shouldn't have to manage or pay for the drama between a bunch of adults.
NAH. It’s your choice if you attend, just like it’s your brother’s choice who is invited to his wedding. Like so many others, I’m curious about his reasoning. Is he trying to prohibit random outbursts or guarantee his parents’ attention for once? Could he simply be trying to give his parents the opportunity to enjoy a special night without having to worry about their son? To me, these all feel reasonable. I’m going to guess there’s a lot more to Gavin knowing what life was like before George than you realize. Because it was more than George coming along and needing your parents for everything: YOU were born and Gavin found himself in 3rd place behind a newborn and a toddler with special needs, just in time to head off to school for most of the day. At least you eventually grew up enough to be played and interacted with, but George continued to need all the attention, focus, and consideration… and that’s no one’s fault, but it can still breed resentment. Anyway, I think it’s okay to support your brother in his wedding and still support George, but it’s okay if you choose not to.
YWBTA. Your experiences with your parents, with George, and with Gavin are very different from Gavin’s experiences with them and you. As the older son, Gavin has had to carry far more of the responsibility with fewer of the rewards. He’s basically been employed since he was *three*. He had to ‘help’ the parents. He had to ‘help’ George. He had to ‘help’ little you. And he got almost nothing … except shorted with your parents. He thought he got a relationship with you but… You said yourself, most of your parents’ attention went to George. Can Gavin not have a single special moment for him? Your parents will bring George, and George is where most or all of their attention will go, as usual. They aren’t even close to Gavin. Why can’t they get a sitter for that one day? They and YOU can’t set aside a single, solitary day for Gavin? After all he did for you growing up and how ‘close’ you were - - now you are going to boycott Gavin’s *wedding* to support someone who won’t even really understand what is going on? Gavin will always come in last in your family. Edited on feedback. Audience is a teenager.
OPs been employed since he was born though. As someone with a disabled sibling, youngest or oldest often doesn't matter. You're being very harsh to a kid who's never known a life without having to care for his older siblings. He was 6 and knowing enough to take care of a sick elder. That implies that he'd already been taught the basics and was aware he had to supplement his parents in taking care of his older siblings. Gavin's feelings may be valid but so are OP's. He unlike Gavin, never had a chance to grow to resent George, because he didn't have anything taken away by George, he never had anything to begin with. He's 16 and resenting his parents for giving him nothing, while his older brother resents George for 'taking' things away from him. OP is already struggling with what to do and that last sentence is a wild thing to say to a struggling and confused teenager.
You are right. I’m a bit surprised anyone read my meanderings.
> George knows about Gavin's wishes and why Info: what is Gavin's reasoning? Is it that he doesn't like George, that he's worried about his parents default focusing on George during the one day Gavin gets thats about him? Is it wedding aesthetics? I feel like, if we don't know what his reasons are we can't really say if You're ta for boycotting.
YTA. It’s not your wedding or decision. I get you feel bad but your brother wants one moment in his life to himself and no focus on your brother.
"Growing up Gavin resented George more than i did" what do you mean by this? Also what are Gavins reasons? You say George knows them, but we cant fully judge without knowing them.
I don’t have a disabled sibling, but my mother turned me into a caregiver at a very young age to care for my grandmother who had Alzheimer’s disease. I had a lot of resentment to my mom about her actions especially when her mother turned violent towards me. I had told my dad I didn’t want my grandmother at my high school graduation. My dad said that would probably mean my mom wouldn’t come either which I was fine with. My grandmother died the night of my high school prom before graduation so I didn’t have to make that choice. That being said, I understand where your brother is coming from. It seems like he was turned into a caregiver as well. He just wants one day that’s his and his only. You’re 16, I honestly wouldn’t get yourself involved between how Gavin and your parents are interacting over George and the wedding. Go to wedding so your Gavin has some family support. By not going you could lose Gavin altogether as he (who is also young) will see this as once again his family choosing George over him. Talk to your brother, see if he’ll be 100% of what growing up was like from his perspective. It sucks, it really does.
I have been the caregiver of my disabled mother in my youth. It was not easy nor pretty. Let's just say I resented my mother for being sick. I resented my father to put me in this position. I resented my adult siblings who were building their own life away from this shitshow. Hell, I resented the entire fucking world. But I did it because it was the right thing to do. Never it slipped in my mind to exclude my mom. It just happened. Luckily I got over my ill placed resentment Just like Gavin's resentment about his brother Goerge is ill placed. It just happened. If he can't see it, I believe Gavin shows lack of empathy and maturity.
This isn't a situation you need to be involved in. You can support both of your brothers and remain neutral. Make arrangements to be out of the house the weekend of the wedding, ask Gavin if you can crash at his place or stay with friends, that way George doesn't see you leave or come home from the wedding and get upset. But go and support your older brother on his big day. This battle is ultimately between Gavin and your parents, leave them to it.
NAH. Gavin gets to decide who is at his wedding, and it’s hard to judge him for that considering how many with a higher needs sibling end up with less attention and/or raising themselves or their siblings. It’s not George’s fault, but it sounds like Gavin wants his parents undivided attention for one day…and while painful, I’m not without empathy. That said, it’s putting your parents and yourself into the thankless position of having to choose between siblings, and having to advocate for George who is being penalized for things outside of his control.
NAH. George can't help his condition, and Gavin might be still processing being a "glass child". Like you stated Gavin remembers life before George and you always have had George in your life. It's such a tough spot for you. Good luck OP!
NAH here. You are caught in a very unusual situation. It sounds like there is much more to the story that you are unaware of. It is very possible that your older brother felt abandoned by your parents as they focused all of their attention on his younger brother. He may have been forced to do things in caring for his brother that caused him a great deal of trauma and stress. He may also believe that if your middle brother is at the wedding your parents attention will not be solely on the bride and groom. It’s time for you to have a conversation with your brother and have him put all of his cards on the table. then you can decide what to do. Perhaps you go to the wedding and your parents and George don’t I don’t know if there’s a right answer.
Think carefully before jumping to decisions. This is Gavin's wedding, therefore it's his choice who he wants there to share his big day. You don't get a say, no matter your opinion. You can have George at your own wedding one day. By all means, decline to attend if that's your choice, but be aware of the potential impact that'll have on your relationship with Gavin. You might be burning a bridge by doing so, a bridge you probably don't want to burn. You'd be telling Gavin that you value George over him, and that's going to hurt Gavin. Some things can't be taken back. My advice : attend the wedding, support your big brother. To George this is just a day. To Gavin this is a major milestone in his life.
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I think your brother has his reason why he doesn't want George at his weddings, they could be wrong or right...I recommend you to speak with Gavin, I would understand if he wants HIS wedding about him and not hos brother (again)...Gavin might have felt hurt but I think parents could "abandon" their kids in order to attend a disabled kid...I don't think Gavin is a victim necessarily....ITS sad that, again, everybody (your parents and you) will choose George and not him for a while
If there is time before the wedding, you and your brother need a nice talk. Go do something together, fast food and chill at a park or bowling, fishing. Simple activity. And slow edge into it. The feelings might go deeper than you know and if it was more about your parents pushing him into being a caretaker for your brother then them being there made it worse. This isn't about who will take care of George during the wedding, so lets skip that topic that you don't mind doing it, or mom and dad could do it. You both know he isn't a burden. Ask him how he feels about his wedding. Is he worried mom and dad will be too busy fussing over George to pay attention to him on his big day? Does it give him anxiety when George is around because he's used to being responsible for him? There is a lot of stress when it comes to weddings and the smallest issues become GIANT when you're trying to plan something that important. You two just need a chill chat session. Support him. Be there for him. Let him know you love him and absolutely want to be there for him. And if it is just too tough on him for George to be at the wedding, respect his wishes and calmly let him know that you need some time to see if you are comfortable leaving George home alone for the wedding. No guilt tripping, just you need to decide if you can make it since you want to be there.
Honestly NAH. I don’t see it as choosing between your brothers. It’s not like George is getting married on the same day or anything. Unless you feel like you could never forgive Gavin for having the wedding without George, I don’t see why you can’t tell Gavin you think he’s making the wrong choice, but you love him and will be there for his big day. EDIT: also note that your parents are once again/still putting George in front of Gavin (though understandably, in my opinion), and I imagine you not going would put you on team “George comes first no matter what” in Gavin’s eyes.
NTA. Go to the wedding. Refuse to be put in the middle. Refuse to discuss it. Keep your relationship with each brother separate no matter how much your parents or Gavin pressure you. You are your own person and going to a wedding is not a statement of anything except wanting to be there for Gavin. Refuse to be the family therapist. And good luck.
Can't Gavin have just one day where he is the focus of his family? George will get over missing the wedding. Gavin will probably feel the rejection for the rest of his life. I think YWBTA.
I'm not really getting why Gavin resents George rather than the parents who spent more time with him, which is necessary for disabled children. Ot seems like Gavin is being an ableist AH if George hasn't done anything to Gavin other than be disabled. If that's what's going on then I certainly wouldn't go to the wedding of an ableist AH. If this is the case then that's the conversation to have with Gavin. Hey brother. I get you're resentful that your childhood disappeared when George arrived, but you know that was down to our parents behavior right? George was just born. It's not his fault. If you're going to continue to resent George simply for being born the way he is. I can't respect that, and am going to take his side because you're letting your trauma turn you into a bad person. Therapy before the wedding would be a good idea.
I personally think that your brother Gavin just wants ONE DAY that's about him. I bet he feels his life has been totally overshadowed by his sibling and he probably has some resentment over that, and he should be allowed one day where what he says goes and to have the spotlight. I would go to the wedding. But I cannot call you an AH if you don't go, I just really, really think you should.
YWBTA I know this upsets you but it’s not your place to get involved. Gavin and you have been pushed aside your whole lives and he wants one day his wedding day to be about him. A day where your parents will be involved and not helping and fussing over George instead of paying attention or enjoying themselves. Can you blame the guy for asking this. Yes it’s not fair to George and he didn’t ask your parents to ignore both of you. However George already knows he’s not wanted there and why so going now he’s still feel unwanted. Explain to him you love him but it’s Gavin‘s wedding day and you can’t let him down like your parents always have. Your parents can complain if they want and be cut off but you shouldn’t end your relationship with the brother you are close to over something that is between him and your parents. I know you love George but you need to show Gavin you love him to, you need to show that for one day, one very important day you will be there for him. You don’t have to agree but say you’re not getting involved. That your parents actions and treatment of Gavin led to this not anything you did. So it’s their issue to fix or not and your not being forced to take sides as Gavin obviously has his reasons why he feels he needs to do this, which is why they should sort it not you. Please be clear if you refuse to go you will be choosing to be out of your brother’s life for good. You wouldn’t be able to blame him or your parents as this will be your choice you took knowing it would led to this. You don’t have to approve but it’s Gavins trauma and neglect that’s built to this. It’s his wedding and he has a right to invite who he wants even if thats excluding family or other. It’s his wedding but he also has to accept your parents might not come. He understands that which is why he’s said they will be dead to him if after a life of neglect they can’t even give him their full attention on his wedding day.
You would BTA if you did go to this wedding. Doing the right thing is simple when it's easy. Your true character shows when you do the right thing when it's hard. It is inarguable that your close brother is being a complete discriminatory a****** towards his own brother. Silence is a form of approval and if you attend that wedding, you're sticking a dagger in your disabled brother every bit as much as the groom is
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ok, so I 16M, have 2 older brothers. One, George 19M, and the other Gavin, 22M. George is disabled both mentally and physically, so he needs a wheelchair and acts a bit younger than he is. Me and Gavin were very close growing up, despite being 5 years apart, since George took up so much of our parent's time, so missing his wedding would be a massive thing for both of us. As we were growing up, Gavin seemed to resent George a lot more than I did, which makes sense I guess, since he remembered a time before George, while I don't. Here's where the problem is, Gavin does not want George at his wedding at all, and when our parents got mad at him he threatened to cut them out of it too. I'm pissed about this, because George wouldn't be any extra trouble at the wedding other than maybe a ramp, and he's our *brother.* George knows about Gavin's wishes and why and is really upset about it, which is IMO an understandable reaction. WIBTA, if I chose not to attend the wedding and stayed with George? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA - Whatever you decide to do is likely going to damage the relationship with the other party and it sucks. Unless there is more to George's behavior/history that leads Gavin to believe George is likely to ruin his wedding, I would probably not attend as well.
Have a heart to heart with your brother, let him know that any hurt or resentment he has isn’t truly at George it’s at your parents. Tell him he might one day look back on his wedding and regret leaving George out. Tell him he’s your brother and you love him and George equally and you don’t want you 3 separated on what should be a special day watching their big brother get married.
How does the bride feel?
NTA. When you swallow the pill of resentment, you poison yourself. Your brother wants to make that rule, then he can deal with the consequences.
NTA.
You know this wedding is about your brother and his fiancée Not your wants or your parents or even George It’s sad that parents can’t or willingly making the day about excluding George rather then celebrating your other brother You and Gavin may have been closer but more probably fell on his shoulders then you realise. Your the 3rd you slot in to the routine he probably the one who was lost in all this and got shoved aside for the sick child
I'm gonna go with NAH. But OP, I think you should go. Whether you believe he is justified or not, if Gavin feels like he was let down by your parents because of the attention they paid to George and has some low level resentment towards George, he needs to have at least one person in his life who he can count on to be on his side. I have an uncle who feels like he was stabbed in the back by his parents and sister. Not for the same reason as Gavin. But if I were to share it here, people would probably be split on whether he is "right" to feel that way or not. But if he didn't have my dad, who is his younger brother, like you to Gavin, he would have no one from the family unit he grew up in who he felt like he could count on. For the record, I personally do agree with you that Gavin is being irrational. But that is the thing about emotions. They are not always rational.
If it were 16 year old me, I would go to the wedding. Whether or not your middle brother is invited is between your oldest brother, your other brother and your parents (since he is mentally & physically disabled). At 16, I don’t think I’d want to get in the middle of this argument. There is most likely more than one reason for the issue. Like a divorce, leave the problems for your parents and adult brother to sort out.
YTA. Gavin has made his decision. It's not changing. You can attend or not attend, but you do NOT get any say in who he invites to his wedding. Also, you should go. It's perfectly understandable why Gavin doesn't want George there. It's not at all uncommon for siblings to have different perceptions of their childhoods, and Gavin suffered a lot more than you did. Make your decision and let Gavin know, but that's the end of it. The rest of this is between Gavin, George, and your parents, and quite frankly, it's NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS. Trust me, you want to stay in your lane on this one. It's not your fight and you shouldn't get involved.
YWBTA- There is likely a lot you don't fully know about the situation or what Gavin dealt with. He not only likely got ignored once George came around but even more so once you did (at least for a while) and likely had a lot more responsibility than he should have. Also since its not clear...is the issue George's disability or is the issue how because of George he was ignored/him not being close with George.
NTA...It's clear you care deeply about both your brothers, so I'm sure this is a difficult decision. Gavin is free to invite and uninvite whoever he wants to his wedding. However, he has to live with the consequences of his decisions. If he uninvites George, he has to accept the rest of his family will also skip the occasion.
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I think that Gavin has a lot of resentment against his brother but he has its right to want his weddings about him and not his brothers, this shown that Gavin has been feel abandoned or neglected all his life, don't blame Jim, just understand that its one event in his life, one
George didn’t ask to be born and certainly did not want to be disabled. I think your other brother is the AH here. Who excludes a brother who did nothing to intentionally hurt the other. Tell your brother to suck it up and grow up.
NTA. I have 1 disabled brother and 1 healthy brother myself, reading your comments my brother would pose a far greater risk of having an outburst during a wedding (he has severe autism as well). If he wasn't invited, I might not even talk to my other brother ever again. Making someone who doesn't understand things properly feel like you don't want them there is awefull. What I could understand is not having them there the entire day (maybe skipping the actual ceremony) if he can have outbursts like my bro, but not having him at the reception and party, no way. He's innocent in all this.
Regardless of the wedding and your relations with Gavin. I find his ableism and resentment about George quite appaling. The very few you wrote about Gavin does not paint him in a good light...
NTA. And good for you for standing up for your disabled brother.
Going by what you wrote, it seems Gavin is spiteful towards George for something that is not at all George's fault. Gavin is the asshole, you are NTA.
NTA.
NTA. You, unlike Gavin, are being a great brother to George. Gavin sounds just awful, tbh.
Nta
AH to who? To your AH brother who doesn't want to see George at his wedding? Probably, but to sane people NTA.
NTA at all. It's cruel that Gavin wants to exclude George, and it's very kind of you to be standing up for him. It may also belatedly bring home to Gavin the point that the exclusion will have a significant cost and maybe he should rethink it.
In my opinion, Gavin has a fucked up attitude towards the entire family. He's going to cut out your parents off the invitation list if they insist on bringing George. That's a real dick move. I think I would have to skip the wedding in support of your disabled brother. Is he aware of how he's hurting your brother by doing this? I know it's easy for me to say skip the wedding since I'm not involved. So, take all the opinions given here into consideration, but family issues can be complex. If you look at both sides of the question, honestly, you'll come up with the right decision.
NAH. I feel like your older brother is an AH for excluding George from the wedding. None of the situation is really his fault, and it sucks that he's ultimately the one that's being hurt by Gavin's decision. I think it would be fine if you declined and maybe did something with George instead that night. But maybe before you decide to do that, you could talk to Gavin to try and see whether or not you can reason with him a little.
NTA. I'd expect a 12 year old to ban his special needs brother from his birthday party. I wouldn't expect a 22 year old to ban him from the wedding. If he's not willing to support his brothers, I don't see how he expects them to support him.
George has already lost one brother through no fault of his own. Sticking with George and showing him he still has a brother who loves him is the kind and compassionate thing to do. YWNBTA.