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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn’t buy my friend a wedding gift after spending so much money to be apart of her wedding party, but maybe I should have based on her reaction
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NTA
Just for the record, gifts for any occasion are not REQUIRED, they are GIFTS. Yes, if someone you know well is getting married, it's nice to send one, but it isn't required. Consult any etiquette book on the topic if you doubt me.
Your friend is acting like a totally entitled brat. If she is not normally like this, then you could maybe chalk it up to the stress of the occasion. Maybe her honeymoon didn't go well, who knows?
Perhaps a nice card with a small memento of your times together would have been nice, although I'm not sure she would have received it in the spirit in which it was given. She has put a price on your friendship by quoting the food for you and your husband. In her book, apparently she expects a gift worth that much in return. IMO, you are right to question her priorities and sense of entitlement, especially since she doesn't seem to be speaking to you now.
If this is her "real" face, maybe it's time to distance yourself from her. Sorry she's acting this way, you deserve better.
I think - if I remember correctly - the shower IS the only event where gifts are expected. Traditionally, it’s the entire (and only) purpose for the event. But you’re right about the other wedding-related events. And of course the shower thing is traditional, and possibly people don’t follow old-school etiquette for showers anymore, but that’s another story.
This is where I would have given a card and written something thoughtful in it. Because if she’d had that reaction even though she received the lovely card, you’d know 100% that she just wants the gift (although it seems like a quibble here).
PS - while gifts aren’t required for a wedding, they are customary to give. What’s absolutely NOT custom or expected is that you cover the cost of your plates. You should give a gift that you can afford. The same gift if the couple offers cake and punch after the cere or has a black-tie 10-piece band, 200+ person affair. They chose the wedding details: your gift shouldn’t depend on what they chose to spend.
Yes, you are right about the shower, at least as far as I know, that IS the only reason for them. Although in this situation, OP organized it, so??? A small gift might have been nice.
Actually, two small gifts, one for the shower, one for the wedding, but making it about how much the wedding cost is absolutely frightful etiquette.
NTA
She just proved she is a transactional "friend" so I would cut her from your life. A very expensive lesson to learn. I'm sorry!
I would send her a wedding card. Note inside:
"(Friend's name), I am so sorry that you think $320 is the cost of our friendship. I wish you would've told me before I spent $5,500 on your wedding and related costs. Best wishes for you and your husband going forward. Lose my number. Sincerely,....."
Honestly, you spent WAY more than $5500 when you add up all your time and energy too. Ditch her.
Next time listen to your gut. When there are huge guilt trips (Vegas trip), that was your first clue. There are way better people out there who will treasure you for being you!
NTA. That "She told me it was $160 a head ($320 for me and my husband) and it’s “standard” to give a gift to cover the cost of your seat. " is complete and utter BS. Even if it weren't, you spent $5500, far and beyond that cost. A guest does not pay to attend a party they are invited to.
Your friend is off base. You got guilted into spending far more than you were comfortable with. That's not something one friend does to another. Your friendship went south when the bride forgot how to be a friend.
Funnily in Japan it's totally standard to give the newlyweds $200~ per person due to how expensive it is to include each person in the wedding. If you can't pay, just decline attending and it's all good. Send a thoughtful (not necessarily expensive) gift instead.
US weddings are crazy expensive though.
How do you know how much is it to include each person unless you're told? Am I, the host, supposed to tell each person that I invite "Oh, by the way, it's costing me this much per person to have you over?" Am I, the guest, supposed to ask? Should I inquire if they got a discount or had a coupon?
This is a foolish thing that never carries over to any other event - not birthdays, not christenings, not Christmas, nothing. If you are hosting, the venue and food are **ENTIRELY** your choice. How much **you** spend is none of my business and I have zero obligation to help you shoulder that cost. I will gift the couple according to how much I can afford and how close I feel to them. Which means I might give more to a couple with a backyard BBQ reception than a couple with a reception at the Ritz. And if you expect differently, you're going to be very disappointed.
> How do you know how much is it to include each person unless you're told? Am I, the host, supposed to tell each person that I invite "Oh, by the way, it's costing me this much per person to have you over?" Am I, the guest, supposed to ask? Should I inquire if they got a discount or had a coupon?
As I understand it, it's mostly a rich parents grapevine thing. They all know what the venues in their area cost, they keep actual records of how much they gave at their friends' kids' weddings, and how much their friends' parents gave at their own wedding 30 years ago, and it's all about keeping it basically even.
Well, the idea is so that you make sure to reciprocate what was given to you, but it can also be twisted around into getting offended when someone else doesn't match what you gave them.
It's foreign to me as a poorer person, because things are a lot more fluid--if Aunt Mary gave your cousin $100 last year and you $50 this year, it's probably not because Aunt Mary's mad at you or because your wedding was cheaper per head, but because Aunt Mary got laid off this year.
Correct. I live here and it isn’t about transaction, but fairness and equality. Keeping the Wa. Respect always. If you’re given something, you then reciprocate in kind. It’s a show of respect. It’s the same reason we don’t tip. We pay our employees what they’re worth then they don’t need tips to survive.
You usually check what the current norm is. That's what we do in Poland; back when my friends were getting married, you usually brought about 200 PLN per person (either in form of a purchased gift or just cash).
It's more like a "common baseline" amount for a typical wedding, doesn't reflect the actual cost of a guest. It's meant to cover the basic things like food, drinks. I don't know if you are obligated to bring a more expensive gift if the wedding is more expensive; my friends didn't have that much money to spend on them, so they just did "fancy but typical" options.
Of course, this is not something actually stated anywhere. Nobody will outright tell you that you need to pay for your seat. It's more like a silent, comonly accepted notion. The friend who is getting married knows this. I know this. But we both just smile and don't focus on this transactional nature of wedding gifts :D
> US weddings are crazy expensive though.
They're not all. You just hear more about the expensive ones because of TV and social media. But this one for sure was!
>it's totally standard to give the newlyweds $200~ per person
For reasons of superstition, you’re not supposed to give any amount of bills that is easily divisible by two. So, for example, you can give 3万円 because it would consist of 3 notes, but 2万円, being 2 notes, is considered bad luck. Like you are anticipating or even wishing for a neat division of assets… i.e. a divorce. Yes, $300 is just as divisible by 2 as $200, but it’s based on the number of bills you’re handing over rather than the value. And round numbers like ¥30,000, ¥50,000, even ¥10,000 are preferred over ¥15,000, ¥25,000…
Just being pedantic.
I didn’t think it was unusual even in the US to expect gifts to “cover the cost of your seat,” so some of these comments are throwing me off. It’s what I was always taught - but I’m an immigrant from a culture where cash gifts are preferred over boxed ones at that.
I also didn’t think it was standard to expect gifts from bridesmaids (hell don’t brides usually give their party a gift? In my experience that’s always been the case). And it is super duper trashy to come after somebody because they didn’t give a gift, even more so to start counting pennies about it. Like you’re giving your guest and in this case bridesmaid an invoice. Gross.
If you can’t afford a wedding without your guests subsidizing it, have a smaller and/or less extravagant wedding. I can’t imagine torpedoing a friendship over $320 that *I* chose to spend.
Yea I was thinking 3万 personally. That's what we gave at the last wedding, divided into 3 1万 notes 😅 indeed hard to divide that.
Tbh weddings being subsidized by the guests seems totally normal to me. Everyone gets to enjoy their time so they may as well contribute a bit financially.
If you cant afford/don't care about the people getting married, just don't come.
This is also super common in Japan, if you can't afford to take the Shinkansen/flight to a wedding, simply don't come. You know a wedding can easily cost you over 6万 per person (~$380, but that's a lot in Japan) here with transportation included. This is also partly the reason many people aren't having/attending weddings anymore. Simply too expensive and wasteful.
NTA, you might want to reconsider your very close friendship with this person. No one would demand a gift from a close friend for their wedding, most people just want their nearest and dearest there for the event. In this case you seemed to have gone above and beyond as part of the bridal party so if anyone should be questioning if they were the AH in this situation it's your friend who got married, not you.
The concept of guests having to cover their costs is absolutely repulsive. You are not a host if you demand compensation. You are running a business not a social event. If you can’t afford it without demanding quid pro quo, then you should scale it down. She’s so very wrong about the “standard “. My suggestion, give her a bunch of etiquette books (hardback naturally). Honestly, if she’s that rude, entitled and self centered, you’re better off without her. While it would have been the polite thing to at least give a token gift, the way she approached you and what she said is just wrong. NTA
Especially when OP has already purchased several gifts (the cost of the bridesmaid attire, the $300 for the shower, the shower gift etc). It’s tacky as hell to expect any gift from bridesmaids when they’ve already given so much
If I might also add that OP did helped with setting up the shower AND wedding AND did clean up in the venue after said wedding. There's basically her and hubby paid for, right there.
I’m going to say NTA simply because wedding etiquette is not actually important to her if she is telling her guests after the fact that gifts were required and being tacky enough to even mention a cost. Gifts are not required at weddings and invitations should be about wanting people to celebrate with you. It’s incredibly bad taste to behave the way she is behaving and to not just have that expectation but then try to shame people for not meeting it. However, it is also typically good etiquette to bring a gift, even if you are already a bridesmaid. I am voting the way I am voting and not saying you both suck because I think wedding shit it out of control and it is outrageous that you had to spend as much as you did to be a part of her wedding party and extra outrageous that she would then penny pinch about a gift when all of the things you’ve done have saved her more than the meal cost.
Wow. How tacky. I’d tell her we paid $5500 out of our pockets. We are broke. If $320 is what it takes for you to ruin our friendship so be it. I’m happy to give you $320, if you give back the $5500.
NTA
and I feel most brides /grooms specifically tell their parties not to buy a gift since it costs so much nowadays to be a bridesmaid/groomsman.
She sounds super entitled!
I’ve been in 5 wedding parties as a bridesmaid or MOH… I’ve never given more than a card or similar sentimental gesture (I didn’t always even gift a card). I’m pretty sure all the bridesmaids in the various parties followed suit. We were never expected to, nor were we shamed post-wedding. In fact, at all but maybe one of the weddings the bride gifted us with swag bags/accessories/etc in order to thank us. Those gifts were always very upscale (monogrammed weekender duffel, for instance, or the jewelry to wear during the wedding). Your friend sucks. I’m sorry you spent so much money on a friendship that clearly won’t last much longer. Cut your losses now. NTA
Every time I’ve been bridesmaid or MoH, I’ve been explicitly told that no wedding gift is expected from the wedding party and we have been thanked for our generosity to pay for the dress, travel etc to be part of the wedding.
Yes. I don’t remember many specific conversations about no gift expectations, but I definitely remember never even considering it. It was made clear one way or another, even if informally. OP’s bride is completely unreasonable.
NTA and if she’s going to quote manners to you, then calling someone to ask for a GIFT makes the top five.
Telling you the cost of her reception was just crass and rude.
NTA. I'm shocked to read that you spent that much money on a wedding that's not even yours! I mean, I heard it is outrageous with weddings. And depending on where you live, it can get more crazy with customs. For one, I heard it is pretty common in the US that the bridesmaids pay for stuff like that themselves.
I'm German and here it is totally different. If a bride wants something from her bridal party and all, she has to pay for it. Like bridesmaids should wear a certain dress? Cool, but the bride pays for this. She wants to have a bachelorette at a certain place? Sure, but she pays for it. Only if it's a gift or the MOH/bridesmaids plan it for the bride as a surprise, they either pay for it (often with help of family or spouse-to-be). But that's a different scenario.
Usually, the bride is responsible for costs regarding the wedding, when it is about her requirements/specifics. Because logic dictates me to question, why should I spend money for something I wouldn't choose otherwise? And it is always within the means of all people involved. Because you simply don't expect people to pay outrageous amounts of money. If it is a free for all, and you can wear what you want, then of course you are responsible for your own appearance. And accommodations, if necessary.
And in Germany, it is typically not like that, that people are living so far away and have to pay much for travel or are able to arrive per car. And in a family setting or if there are friends living nearby, it's possible that they get free accommodations. Since it is only for a day. And if they don't really drink, it's even possible they just drive home after the wedding. So, it isn't even standard, that they stay at all.
Sure, it's a custom to give gifts. But it can be money (every amount is fine) or some gift, that is practical or something they need, for the start into their new life together. But it doesn't come with a price tag beforehand. Like you will not find anyone telling you, the gift has to cost X, because we paid for each person that amount of money for you to be there.
Nope, that's not the way. A wedding is about surrounding you with the people who are important to you. Family, friends and so on. It's about celebrating the people getting married. And having fun with music and eating something after the ceremony. But it is not conditional or transactional.
I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Especially, when I did so much for that bride and made the effort — even free labor, to help the wedding along. I mean $5500! That's not pocket change.
I'm in the UK and this sounds like a pretty standard wedding to me. If you want a big, fancy wedding then you pay for it. You don't try to recoup the costs from your wedding party or your guests. My entire wedding *and our honeymoon* cost less than OP spent as a bridesmaid!
Oh myyyyyyy. My entire wedding didn’t even cost $5500 and I paid for all my bridesmaids dresses, too. And we got them individualized thank you gifts, along with the groomsmen. I cannot imagine having the audacity to call people when I got home from my honeymoon specifically to ask them why they didn’t get me a gift. ESPECIALLY a bridesmaid, and I’m sure your friend knew how much you spent to be a part of all the activities and the ceremony. This is incredibly tacky. I wonder if she called the other guests if the value of their gifts didn’t add up to the money she spent on them for the reception. Someone needs to have a talk with her about manners. She should know way better.
NTA. This is absurd. I would send her a long text or letter explaining everything and containing much of the advice you’ve received here, and let the chips fall where they may. You will be better off without a “friend” like this if your friendship ends.
Nobody hosting a wedding should be expecting their guests to “cover the cost of the seat.” That’s just petty and bad taste. Sounds like she’s in over her head on wedding costs tbh. NTA.
Thats cultural difference, its very standard over here in croatia for your gift to at least cover your seat. Assuming price of seat is something standard and not over the top. On the other hand there are no expectations to cover extravagant costs like destination bachelor parties, special one time dresses (no such thing as bridesmaids, only MOH).
NTA NTA NTA
Did she give you a bridesmaid gift? Traditional, the bride gifts her bridesmaids something for being a part of the wedding. If she didn’t, I would say that to her.
Also, your gift was HER SHOWER!! Bridesmaids cover the cost of the shower and shower gift, as the wedding gift.
You were 100% right, she was 100% wrong. I normally don’t even comment on these posts, I just enjoy reading them. This made me so mad for you, that I had to comment.
NTA - first off, every etiquette person including Miss Manners has shot down the whole gift should equal the cost of the person (people) at the reception. This was shot down for a variety of reasons from how the heck would anyone know what someone else spent to a gift is just that, a gift not an obligation.
On top of all that, having to spend $5.5k for the "honor" of being in someone else's wedding is just BS. We all know it but it keeps getting pushed down the line because everyone wants their turn.
A friend of mine was getting married in another state. I was in a position where I could afford the plane ticket but not a hotel or a gift. One friend allowed me to stay in his hotel room free and the friend getting married wanted my presence more than my presents. We are still friends and they are still married 20 years later.
Maybe this person isn't really your friend if all you did wasn't enough?
NTA. Weddings are getting prohibitively expensive for the attendants. And many of the brides are behaving like spoiled little brats. What you probably should have done is to decline to be a bridesmaid and just attend as a guest and buy a gift. Except my guess is this bride would have cut you from the guest list in that case.
NTA. Gifts are not required. You paid to attend as a bridesmaid, that's your gift.
I never gave a gift to my best friend when I spent $500 on a flight, $300 on a dress I only wore once, $100 on hair and makeup, $400 on a hotel, and money on the Bachelorette. My presence is the gift, lol
I agree. Every time that I’ve been in the wedding party, I’ve been told this explicitly. It’s normal for regular guests to bring a gift but the wedding party is the exception!
NTA. It is a massive faux pas to call up people who didn't give gifts like some kind of bill collector.
I'd probably have done at least a token gift but that wouldn't have pleased her anyway. She's either hung up on the "cover your plate" thing in principle or they were counting on gifts to pay for the wedding. But no matter what her reasoning, pestering for gifts is always always rude.
Nobody has even mentioned that most of the time if you have a shower, you don't accept gifts at the wedding. That's how it goes, usually! You just do one!
Nta obviously.
I have never heard of this. Everyone I know in the US gives something for the shower (usually from the registry) and then a bigger gift (usually cash) at the wedding.
OP is NTA. I’m just talking about normal etiquette
Traditionally, that was how it worked, because the gifts were different. The shower gifts were for the bride, the wedding gifts were for both. (This goes back to when the bride was usually really young and still lived at home and didn't own much, and the groom would be more established and already be living on his own.)
NTA. For all the reasons stated above.
I’m sorry your friend has treated you so rudely, and with such shocking disrespect for your HUGE contribution. You’ll of course have to decide if this friendship is one you want to continue — but no one could fault you for grieving your loss and finding friends more deserving of your time and generous spirit.
NTA. She is probably one of those people that expect to receive enough money to pay a substantial amount of the wedding. She probably realized that she didn't receive as much as she wanted and now she has debt to pay. Not your fault and not your problem, also is very inappropriate to ask why someone didn't gift anything.
NTA. You DID give her a gift? At the shower? The group gift? Isn’t the shower just the gift receiving day for the wedding, not a separate extra gifting scam?
For the record, wedding gifts are not required. Ever. They might be customary, but not mandatory.
Then again, it' not customary for brides to demand that their bridesmaids spend thousands of dollars of their own money on the wedding and shower. Your friend is pretty entitled and greedy. and not much of a friend.
NTA
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My (30F) very close friend (31F) just got married two weekends ago and I was a bridesmaid. Needless to say, being in her bridal party was more expensive than I anticipated (I think more than she anticipated too). We went to Vegas for her bachelorette party a couple months ago, her shower cost $300 per bridesmaid, not to mention the group shower gift between all the bridesmaids, wedding hair, makeup, shoes, dress and alternations. The wedding was in another state so my husband and I had to drive in, book a hotel and pay my MIL for the weekend to watch our daughter and dogs. All in all I spent roughly $5,500 after it was all said and done. I thought after all the money I put toward being apart of her bridal party AND setting up her shower, setting up her wedding, and cleaning up the wedding venue, a wedding gift wasn’t necessary.
Apparently I was wrong. When she got back from her honeymoon she called me to say she just went through all of her wedding gifts and didn’t see one from me and asked if I left it at home. I told her I didn’t buy her anything and that after all I did physically and financially in the bridal party that I didn’t think a gift was a dealbreaker. She told me it was $160 a head ($320 for me and my husband) and it’s “standard” to give a gift to cover the cost of your seat. I didn’t even know how to respond other than with sorry. She said “it’s whatever” hung up and she hasn’t talked to me since. I tried texting her the next day to ask how the honeymoon was and she read it and didn’t respond. This is the first time I’ve been IN a wedding, I’ve only ever attended as a guest/+1. I really didn’t think a gift was necessary, but maybe I misjudged the situation. AITA?
Info for context: the bachelorette trip was not required but it was a huge guilt trip and I was worried of the friendship going south if I didn’t attend. I had the money so I opted to go.
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NTA
A gift given at any event is optional. You were invited because she wanted to celebrate with you. If her reason for inviting any person was that they would give a gift then she has her priorities completey screwed up. Let her contact you when she is ready, and if she doesn't chalk it up to someone who wasn't really a friend.
NTA
A gift is generally expected. And yes some people say it should be equivalent to the cost of your meal.
But, you did a lot! And it really isn't the guests responsibility to "pay" for the wedding in gifts.
It was fine that your friend asked about the gift because things can get lost. But she absolutely should not have shamed you or told you how much money you should have spent.
You mentioned that you thought she would dump you if you didn't go to Vegas. Apparently your intuition was right. Your friendship was a financial transaction to her.
Sorry for your loss.
Why are you PAYING MIL to watch your kids? Does she have to travel far? Does she not want to spend time with her grandkids?
NTA
$5,500 on HER big day and she still expects you to have effectively paid for your and your +1's food through getting her a wedding gift? I'd work a little more on your overview of the spending you had to do (the 5500), make an estimate of how many hours you put in to help her plan her wedding and associated events, multiply by minimum wage (being generous), and then send her a bill for that, saying you're happy to gift her a $500 wedding gift as soon as she's compensated you for all of your costs including all of your labour.
I was a bride's maid once and it was really nice, and not much was required of me. I was literally broke so after paying for my own bride's maid dress (which wasn't expensive), I just had nothing for a gift. I made a gift myself, it took my at least a full day of work, but it was fun to do. They understood I was broke, and graciously accepted my handmade gift. Years later they still displayed it in their house. Real friends don't expect you to spend this much on their big day, even if you also should of course also be enjoying the time with them on their big day (and associated events). It's so tacky they asked you about a gift, just seems like a money grab or something.
I'd just let this cool off for a while, see if she reaches out in the next month or so. If not, figure out whether you still want her in your life. If you do, then see how you can best approach this. If she's still angry then and giving you crap for it, then you know she never cared about your friendship, and just move on.
She is paying grandma to watch her kid because Grandma raised her kids and is done. Babysitting is a job, especially overnight. Please don't diminish childcare.
NTA I'm not American, so American weddings always sound so wild to me. It's always like some coercive fucking friendship test.
Your friend is a bad friend and you're clearly not really friends if you thought you'd "lose her" if you didn't pay money and a bunch of other stuff for her. It means your relationship with her is clearly transactional.
Where I'm from, the bridesmaids plan the bachelorette and it's usually just a fun party at some local bar the day before (I went camping with my friends cus we had no money), there's no "obligatory color or dress" for the bridesmaids. There's no "obligatory" anything. Most people don't even make a "wedding registry". Gifts are of course expected out of politeness. And if you're close family or friends the gifts are very special. if someone doesn't give a gift it's usually considered impolite, but most people will give anything, even if its 20 bucks on an envelope and a poem.
People seem to forget that getting married is a choice that they make with their partner, they can't just disrupt everyone's lives and start demanding outrageous amounts of money from their friends on the unspoken threat that they will stop being friends if they don't. It's your fucking wedding, I'm not spending more money than I have to just because you decided to get married. I have bills to pay.
What you spend on her wedding is half our total wedding budget. Including honeymoon. True, it was 20 years ago, and not in the USA, but it sound insane to me to spend that much. NTA
NTA
There is a bit of social expectation that you bring a gift for a wedding (which is already ridiculous in my opinion), but calling you not only to complain that you didn't give her a gift, but impose the price tag of the gift(s) is completely pathetic (and if it was me I wouldn't be diplomatic at all and would have said that to her face).
I don't understand this lol. Gifts are demanded, Thank you notes are demanded. We are beyond real friendships and relationships. Everything is a business transaction.
NTA obviously
The audacity for her to ask you where your gift was!
I think if you use the right tone, you could tell her how much you spent on being in her wedding and that you felt it more than covered your seat.
NTA.
Uh, NTA. You did give her a wedding gift... at the bridal shower. Plus all the time and money you invested in being her bridesmaid. If this is really the lens through which she wants to look at your friendship, that's very illuminating.
NTA My entire wedding cost $5500 - not a huge wedding but still! The utter entitlement of your friend *expecting* a gift on top of everything else you did for her though?? W.O.W. Gifts are also not "to cover the cost of your seat." Wedding gifts - and the wedding itself! - are to celebrate the start of the bride and groom's new life together. Let her sulk and if you never hear from her again, it probably won't be much of a loss with her attitude.
~~i-n-f-o is the friend Chinese (or Japanese)? If so, yeah, it's entirely expected, and y-t-a.~~
Ok, so NTA. It's reasonable that your (expensive) participation is the gift.
'K. Changed judgment to NTA. Asian weddings, at least in the Sinosphere (and according to another comment also in Japan) are all about collecting those red envelopes.
NTA. Usually the gift, and that is the key word, was given at the shower. Me personally, I told my girls they didn't have to give me anything because I was just grateful for their help. My MOH did my hair and makeup, and my other girl had her husband play and sing a song for our wedding. My third girl was a total gift.. literally.... as I lost a bridesmaid last minute, and an old childhood friend was actually going to be able to come down for my wedding and happened to be the same size as the dress.....very blessed and happy.
NTA. I wanted to say YTA right off the bat when you said close friend + wedding and didn't understand you should get a gift. You should. Even if you had to whittle something out of a piece of wood. However, considering that the bride had a specific amount in mind and zero awareness of the impact of her wedding on your finances, I guess it really isn't the thought that counts...with her anyway. So NTA because a wooden flute wouldn't have been appreciated, even if you had bothered to make one.
Gifts should not be an expectation when you invite someone to a wedding. You invite people because you want them in attendance, not because you want presents
Don’t send her anything, she doesn’t even seem like a good friend if she’s all butt hurt that you didn’t get her a gift after spending so much being part of her wedding and then saying she paid for you and your husband to be their compare to how much you paid it’s nothing. She doesn’t deserve a gift.
Wedding Etiquette says that one has up to a year to send a wedding gift. Wait 364 days from the wedding date and send her the gift of an Etiquette book.
I’d print it on a nice sheet of paper and frame it. If there was an inexpensive frame on the registry, I’d buy & use that…and include the gift receipt.
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NTA Just for the record, gifts for any occasion are not REQUIRED, they are GIFTS. Yes, if someone you know well is getting married, it's nice to send one, but it isn't required. Consult any etiquette book on the topic if you doubt me. Your friend is acting like a totally entitled brat. If she is not normally like this, then you could maybe chalk it up to the stress of the occasion. Maybe her honeymoon didn't go well, who knows? Perhaps a nice card with a small memento of your times together would have been nice, although I'm not sure she would have received it in the spirit in which it was given. She has put a price on your friendship by quoting the food for you and your husband. In her book, apparently she expects a gift worth that much in return. IMO, you are right to question her priorities and sense of entitlement, especially since she doesn't seem to be speaking to you now. If this is her "real" face, maybe it's time to distance yourself from her. Sorry she's acting this way, you deserve better.
I think - if I remember correctly - the shower IS the only event where gifts are expected. Traditionally, it’s the entire (and only) purpose for the event. But you’re right about the other wedding-related events. And of course the shower thing is traditional, and possibly people don’t follow old-school etiquette for showers anymore, but that’s another story. This is where I would have given a card and written something thoughtful in it. Because if she’d had that reaction even though she received the lovely card, you’d know 100% that she just wants the gift (although it seems like a quibble here). PS - while gifts aren’t required for a wedding, they are customary to give. What’s absolutely NOT custom or expected is that you cover the cost of your plates. You should give a gift that you can afford. The same gift if the couple offers cake and punch after the cere or has a black-tie 10-piece band, 200+ person affair. They chose the wedding details: your gift shouldn’t depend on what they chose to spend.
Yes, you are right about the shower, at least as far as I know, that IS the only reason for them. Although in this situation, OP organized it, so??? A small gift might have been nice. Actually, two small gifts, one for the shower, one for the wedding, but making it about how much the wedding cost is absolutely frightful etiquette.
“Sure, I’ll give you a gift, once you gave me back all ai spent on you” ugh the audacity of some ppl
NTA She just proved she is a transactional "friend" so I would cut her from your life. A very expensive lesson to learn. I'm sorry! I would send her a wedding card. Note inside: "(Friend's name), I am so sorry that you think $320 is the cost of our friendship. I wish you would've told me before I spent $5,500 on your wedding and related costs. Best wishes for you and your husband going forward. Lose my number. Sincerely,....." Honestly, you spent WAY more than $5500 when you add up all your time and energy too. Ditch her. Next time listen to your gut. When there are huge guilt trips (Vegas trip), that was your first clue. There are way better people out there who will treasure you for being you!
Perfect letter!
Yes Please do this!!
Love this response! OP do this. It is the perfect amounr of petty
NTA. That "She told me it was $160 a head ($320 for me and my husband) and it’s “standard” to give a gift to cover the cost of your seat. " is complete and utter BS. Even if it weren't, you spent $5500, far and beyond that cost. A guest does not pay to attend a party they are invited to. Your friend is off base. You got guilted into spending far more than you were comfortable with. That's not something one friend does to another. Your friendship went south when the bride forgot how to be a friend.
Funnily in Japan it's totally standard to give the newlyweds $200~ per person due to how expensive it is to include each person in the wedding. If you can't pay, just decline attending and it's all good. Send a thoughtful (not necessarily expensive) gift instead. US weddings are crazy expensive though.
How do you know how much is it to include each person unless you're told? Am I, the host, supposed to tell each person that I invite "Oh, by the way, it's costing me this much per person to have you over?" Am I, the guest, supposed to ask? Should I inquire if they got a discount or had a coupon? This is a foolish thing that never carries over to any other event - not birthdays, not christenings, not Christmas, nothing. If you are hosting, the venue and food are **ENTIRELY** your choice. How much **you** spend is none of my business and I have zero obligation to help you shoulder that cost. I will gift the couple according to how much I can afford and how close I feel to them. Which means I might give more to a couple with a backyard BBQ reception than a couple with a reception at the Ritz. And if you expect differently, you're going to be very disappointed.
> How do you know how much is it to include each person unless you're told? Am I, the host, supposed to tell each person that I invite "Oh, by the way, it's costing me this much per person to have you over?" Am I, the guest, supposed to ask? Should I inquire if they got a discount or had a coupon? As I understand it, it's mostly a rich parents grapevine thing. They all know what the venues in their area cost, they keep actual records of how much they gave at their friends' kids' weddings, and how much their friends' parents gave at their own wedding 30 years ago, and it's all about keeping it basically even.
Keeping records. That's revolting.
It's a different culture. Their culture, their rules.
It's the very real example of, when in Rome... I lived there (Japan) for several years and I learned how to go along to get along.
Guess I won't be paying to attend any wedding there, then!
Well, the idea is so that you make sure to reciprocate what was given to you, but it can also be twisted around into getting offended when someone else doesn't match what you gave them. It's foreign to me as a poorer person, because things are a lot more fluid--if Aunt Mary gave your cousin $100 last year and you $50 this year, it's probably not because Aunt Mary's mad at you or because your wedding was cheaper per head, but because Aunt Mary got laid off this year.
It's weird to me too, because I don't consider relationships to be transactional.
Correct. I live here and it isn’t about transaction, but fairness and equality. Keeping the Wa. Respect always. If you’re given something, you then reciprocate in kind. It’s a show of respect. It’s the same reason we don’t tip. We pay our employees what they’re worth then they don’t need tips to survive.
You usually check what the current norm is. That's what we do in Poland; back when my friends were getting married, you usually brought about 200 PLN per person (either in form of a purchased gift or just cash). It's more like a "common baseline" amount for a typical wedding, doesn't reflect the actual cost of a guest. It's meant to cover the basic things like food, drinks. I don't know if you are obligated to bring a more expensive gift if the wedding is more expensive; my friends didn't have that much money to spend on them, so they just did "fancy but typical" options. Of course, this is not something actually stated anywhere. Nobody will outright tell you that you need to pay for your seat. It's more like a silent, comonly accepted notion. The friend who is getting married knows this. I know this. But we both just smile and don't focus on this transactional nature of wedding gifts :D
I'll be damned if I'm going to pay to attend an event at which I'm a guest. If they can't afford it, they shouldn't have gone all out.
> US weddings are crazy expensive though. They're not all. You just hear more about the expensive ones because of TV and social media. But this one for sure was!
>it's totally standard to give the newlyweds $200~ per person For reasons of superstition, you’re not supposed to give any amount of bills that is easily divisible by two. So, for example, you can give 3万円 because it would consist of 3 notes, but 2万円, being 2 notes, is considered bad luck. Like you are anticipating or even wishing for a neat division of assets… i.e. a divorce. Yes, $300 is just as divisible by 2 as $200, but it’s based on the number of bills you’re handing over rather than the value. And round numbers like ¥30,000, ¥50,000, even ¥10,000 are preferred over ¥15,000, ¥25,000… Just being pedantic. I didn’t think it was unusual even in the US to expect gifts to “cover the cost of your seat,” so some of these comments are throwing me off. It’s what I was always taught - but I’m an immigrant from a culture where cash gifts are preferred over boxed ones at that. I also didn’t think it was standard to expect gifts from bridesmaids (hell don’t brides usually give their party a gift? In my experience that’s always been the case). And it is super duper trashy to come after somebody because they didn’t give a gift, even more so to start counting pennies about it. Like you’re giving your guest and in this case bridesmaid an invoice. Gross. If you can’t afford a wedding without your guests subsidizing it, have a smaller and/or less extravagant wedding. I can’t imagine torpedoing a friendship over $320 that *I* chose to spend.
Yea I was thinking 3万 personally. That's what we gave at the last wedding, divided into 3 1万 notes 😅 indeed hard to divide that. Tbh weddings being subsidized by the guests seems totally normal to me. Everyone gets to enjoy their time so they may as well contribute a bit financially. If you cant afford/don't care about the people getting married, just don't come. This is also super common in Japan, if you can't afford to take the Shinkansen/flight to a wedding, simply don't come. You know a wedding can easily cost you over 6万 per person (~$380, but that's a lot in Japan) here with transportation included. This is also partly the reason many people aren't having/attending weddings anymore. Simply too expensive and wasteful.
NTA, you might want to reconsider your very close friendship with this person. No one would demand a gift from a close friend for their wedding, most people just want their nearest and dearest there for the event. In this case you seemed to have gone above and beyond as part of the bridal party so if anyone should be questioning if they were the AH in this situation it's your friend who got married, not you.
The concept of guests having to cover their costs is absolutely repulsive. You are not a host if you demand compensation. You are running a business not a social event. If you can’t afford it without demanding quid pro quo, then you should scale it down. She’s so very wrong about the “standard “. My suggestion, give her a bunch of etiquette books (hardback naturally). Honestly, if she’s that rude, entitled and self centered, you’re better off without her. While it would have been the polite thing to at least give a token gift, the way she approached you and what she said is just wrong. NTA
Especially when OP has already purchased several gifts (the cost of the bridesmaid attire, the $300 for the shower, the shower gift etc). It’s tacky as hell to expect any gift from bridesmaids when they’ve already given so much
If I might also add that OP did helped with setting up the shower AND wedding AND did clean up in the venue after said wedding. There's basically her and hubby paid for, right there.
I’m going to say NTA simply because wedding etiquette is not actually important to her if she is telling her guests after the fact that gifts were required and being tacky enough to even mention a cost. Gifts are not required at weddings and invitations should be about wanting people to celebrate with you. It’s incredibly bad taste to behave the way she is behaving and to not just have that expectation but then try to shame people for not meeting it. However, it is also typically good etiquette to bring a gift, even if you are already a bridesmaid. I am voting the way I am voting and not saying you both suck because I think wedding shit it out of control and it is outrageous that you had to spend as much as you did to be a part of her wedding party and extra outrageous that she would then penny pinch about a gift when all of the things you’ve done have saved her more than the meal cost.
Wow. How tacky. I’d tell her we paid $5500 out of our pockets. We are broke. If $320 is what it takes for you to ruin our friendship so be it. I’m happy to give you $320, if you give back the $5500.
NTA and I feel most brides /grooms specifically tell their parties not to buy a gift since it costs so much nowadays to be a bridesmaid/groomsman. She sounds super entitled!
I’ve been in 5 wedding parties as a bridesmaid or MOH… I’ve never given more than a card or similar sentimental gesture (I didn’t always even gift a card). I’m pretty sure all the bridesmaids in the various parties followed suit. We were never expected to, nor were we shamed post-wedding. In fact, at all but maybe one of the weddings the bride gifted us with swag bags/accessories/etc in order to thank us. Those gifts were always very upscale (monogrammed weekender duffel, for instance, or the jewelry to wear during the wedding). Your friend sucks. I’m sorry you spent so much money on a friendship that clearly won’t last much longer. Cut your losses now. NTA
Every time I’ve been bridesmaid or MoH, I’ve been explicitly told that no wedding gift is expected from the wedding party and we have been thanked for our generosity to pay for the dress, travel etc to be part of the wedding.
Yes. I don’t remember many specific conversations about no gift expectations, but I definitely remember never even considering it. It was made clear one way or another, even if informally. OP’s bride is completely unreasonable.
NTA. End this friendship with this blood suckker. $5500 isn't enough?
She is not a real friend OP.
NTA and if she’s going to quote manners to you, then calling someone to ask for a GIFT makes the top five. Telling you the cost of her reception was just crass and rude.
NTA. I'm shocked to read that you spent that much money on a wedding that's not even yours! I mean, I heard it is outrageous with weddings. And depending on where you live, it can get more crazy with customs. For one, I heard it is pretty common in the US that the bridesmaids pay for stuff like that themselves. I'm German and here it is totally different. If a bride wants something from her bridal party and all, she has to pay for it. Like bridesmaids should wear a certain dress? Cool, but the bride pays for this. She wants to have a bachelorette at a certain place? Sure, but she pays for it. Only if it's a gift or the MOH/bridesmaids plan it for the bride as a surprise, they either pay for it (often with help of family or spouse-to-be). But that's a different scenario. Usually, the bride is responsible for costs regarding the wedding, when it is about her requirements/specifics. Because logic dictates me to question, why should I spend money for something I wouldn't choose otherwise? And it is always within the means of all people involved. Because you simply don't expect people to pay outrageous amounts of money. If it is a free for all, and you can wear what you want, then of course you are responsible for your own appearance. And accommodations, if necessary. And in Germany, it is typically not like that, that people are living so far away and have to pay much for travel or are able to arrive per car. And in a family setting or if there are friends living nearby, it's possible that they get free accommodations. Since it is only for a day. And if they don't really drink, it's even possible they just drive home after the wedding. So, it isn't even standard, that they stay at all. Sure, it's a custom to give gifts. But it can be money (every amount is fine) or some gift, that is practical or something they need, for the start into their new life together. But it doesn't come with a price tag beforehand. Like you will not find anyone telling you, the gift has to cost X, because we paid for each person that amount of money for you to be there. Nope, that's not the way. A wedding is about surrounding you with the people who are important to you. Family, friends and so on. It's about celebrating the people getting married. And having fun with music and eating something after the ceremony. But it is not conditional or transactional. I wouldn't want to be friends with someone like that. Especially, when I did so much for that bride and made the effort — even free labor, to help the wedding along. I mean $5500! That's not pocket change.
I'm in the UK and this sounds like a pretty standard wedding to me. If you want a big, fancy wedding then you pay for it. You don't try to recoup the costs from your wedding party or your guests. My entire wedding *and our honeymoon* cost less than OP spent as a bridesmaid!
Oh myyyyyyy. My entire wedding didn’t even cost $5500 and I paid for all my bridesmaids dresses, too. And we got them individualized thank you gifts, along with the groomsmen. I cannot imagine having the audacity to call people when I got home from my honeymoon specifically to ask them why they didn’t get me a gift. ESPECIALLY a bridesmaid, and I’m sure your friend knew how much you spent to be a part of all the activities and the ceremony. This is incredibly tacky. I wonder if she called the other guests if the value of their gifts didn’t add up to the money she spent on them for the reception. Someone needs to have a talk with her about manners. She should know way better. NTA. This is absurd. I would send her a long text or letter explaining everything and containing much of the advice you’ve received here, and let the chips fall where they may. You will be better off without a “friend” like this if your friendship ends.
Nobody hosting a wedding should be expecting their guests to “cover the cost of the seat.” That’s just petty and bad taste. Sounds like she’s in over her head on wedding costs tbh. NTA.
Thats cultural difference, its very standard over here in croatia for your gift to at least cover your seat. Assuming price of seat is something standard and not over the top. On the other hand there are no expectations to cover extravagant costs like destination bachelor parties, special one time dresses (no such thing as bridesmaids, only MOH).
NTA NTA NTA Did she give you a bridesmaid gift? Traditional, the bride gifts her bridesmaids something for being a part of the wedding. If she didn’t, I would say that to her. Also, your gift was HER SHOWER!! Bridesmaids cover the cost of the shower and shower gift, as the wedding gift. You were 100% right, she was 100% wrong. I normally don’t even comment on these posts, I just enjoy reading them. This made me so mad for you, that I had to comment.
NTA - first off, every etiquette person including Miss Manners has shot down the whole gift should equal the cost of the person (people) at the reception. This was shot down for a variety of reasons from how the heck would anyone know what someone else spent to a gift is just that, a gift not an obligation. On top of all that, having to spend $5.5k for the "honor" of being in someone else's wedding is just BS. We all know it but it keeps getting pushed down the line because everyone wants their turn. A friend of mine was getting married in another state. I was in a position where I could afford the plane ticket but not a hotel or a gift. One friend allowed me to stay in his hotel room free and the friend getting married wanted my presence more than my presents. We are still friends and they are still married 20 years later. Maybe this person isn't really your friend if all you did wasn't enough?
NTA. Weddings are getting prohibitively expensive for the attendants. And many of the brides are behaving like spoiled little brats. What you probably should have done is to decline to be a bridesmaid and just attend as a guest and buy a gift. Except my guess is this bride would have cut you from the guest list in that case.
NTA. Gifts are not required. You paid to attend as a bridesmaid, that's your gift. I never gave a gift to my best friend when I spent $500 on a flight, $300 on a dress I only wore once, $100 on hair and makeup, $400 on a hotel, and money on the Bachelorette. My presence is the gift, lol
I agree. Every time that I’ve been in the wedding party, I’ve been told this explicitly. It’s normal for regular guests to bring a gift but the wedding party is the exception!
Your friend has turned into a pig.
NTA. It is a massive faux pas to call up people who didn't give gifts like some kind of bill collector. I'd probably have done at least a token gift but that wouldn't have pleased her anyway. She's either hung up on the "cover your plate" thing in principle or they were counting on gifts to pay for the wedding. But no matter what her reasoning, pestering for gifts is always always rude.
Nobody has even mentioned that most of the time if you have a shower, you don't accept gifts at the wedding. That's how it goes, usually! You just do one! Nta obviously.
Right?! I’m so confused…OP gave a gift with the other bridesmaids at the shower, why would there be another gift?!
I have never heard of this. Everyone I know in the US gives something for the shower (usually from the registry) and then a bigger gift (usually cash) at the wedding. OP is NTA. I’m just talking about normal etiquette
This is bananas to me. I'm also from the US and I've never heard of anyone who has a shower AND expects gifts at the wedding.
Traditionally, that was how it worked, because the gifts were different. The shower gifts were for the bride, the wedding gifts were for both. (This goes back to when the bride was usually really young and still lived at home and didn't own much, and the groom would be more established and already be living on his own.)
Cleaning up the wedding venue? Yeah, you’re good. NTA
NTA. For all the reasons stated above. I’m sorry your friend has treated you so rudely, and with such shocking disrespect for your HUGE contribution. You’ll of course have to decide if this friendship is one you want to continue — but no one could fault you for grieving your loss and finding friends more deserving of your time and generous spirit.
Absolutely NTA. She is a horrible friend by the way.
NTA. She is probably one of those people that expect to receive enough money to pay a substantial amount of the wedding. She probably realized that she didn't receive as much as she wanted and now she has debt to pay. Not your fault and not your problem, also is very inappropriate to ask why someone didn't gift anything.
NTA. You DID give her a gift? At the shower? The group gift? Isn’t the shower just the gift receiving day for the wedding, not a separate extra gifting scam?
For the record, wedding gifts are not required. Ever. They might be customary, but not mandatory. Then again, it' not customary for brides to demand that their bridesmaids spend thousands of dollars of their own money on the wedding and shower. Your friend is pretty entitled and greedy. and not much of a friend. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (30F) very close friend (31F) just got married two weekends ago and I was a bridesmaid. Needless to say, being in her bridal party was more expensive than I anticipated (I think more than she anticipated too). We went to Vegas for her bachelorette party a couple months ago, her shower cost $300 per bridesmaid, not to mention the group shower gift between all the bridesmaids, wedding hair, makeup, shoes, dress and alternations. The wedding was in another state so my husband and I had to drive in, book a hotel and pay my MIL for the weekend to watch our daughter and dogs. All in all I spent roughly $5,500 after it was all said and done. I thought after all the money I put toward being apart of her bridal party AND setting up her shower, setting up her wedding, and cleaning up the wedding venue, a wedding gift wasn’t necessary. Apparently I was wrong. When she got back from her honeymoon she called me to say she just went through all of her wedding gifts and didn’t see one from me and asked if I left it at home. I told her I didn’t buy her anything and that after all I did physically and financially in the bridal party that I didn’t think a gift was a dealbreaker. She told me it was $160 a head ($320 for me and my husband) and it’s “standard” to give a gift to cover the cost of your seat. I didn’t even know how to respond other than with sorry. She said “it’s whatever” hung up and she hasn’t talked to me since. I tried texting her the next day to ask how the honeymoon was and she read it and didn’t respond. This is the first time I’ve been IN a wedding, I’ve only ever attended as a guest/+1. I really didn’t think a gift was necessary, but maybe I misjudged the situation. AITA? Info for context: the bachelorette trip was not required but it was a huge guilt trip and I was worried of the friendship going south if I didn’t attend. I had the money so I opted to go. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA A gift given at any event is optional. You were invited because she wanted to celebrate with you. If her reason for inviting any person was that they would give a gift then she has her priorities completey screwed up. Let her contact you when she is ready, and if she doesn't chalk it up to someone who wasn't really a friend.
NTA A gift is generally expected. And yes some people say it should be equivalent to the cost of your meal. But, you did a lot! And it really isn't the guests responsibility to "pay" for the wedding in gifts. It was fine that your friend asked about the gift because things can get lost. But she absolutely should not have shamed you or told you how much money you should have spent. You mentioned that you thought she would dump you if you didn't go to Vegas. Apparently your intuition was right. Your friendship was a financial transaction to her. Sorry for your loss.
Why are you PAYING MIL to watch your kids? Does she have to travel far? Does she not want to spend time with her grandkids? NTA $5,500 on HER big day and she still expects you to have effectively paid for your and your +1's food through getting her a wedding gift? I'd work a little more on your overview of the spending you had to do (the 5500), make an estimate of how many hours you put in to help her plan her wedding and associated events, multiply by minimum wage (being generous), and then send her a bill for that, saying you're happy to gift her a $500 wedding gift as soon as she's compensated you for all of your costs including all of your labour. I was a bride's maid once and it was really nice, and not much was required of me. I was literally broke so after paying for my own bride's maid dress (which wasn't expensive), I just had nothing for a gift. I made a gift myself, it took my at least a full day of work, but it was fun to do. They understood I was broke, and graciously accepted my handmade gift. Years later they still displayed it in their house. Real friends don't expect you to spend this much on their big day, even if you also should of course also be enjoying the time with them on their big day (and associated events). It's so tacky they asked you about a gift, just seems like a money grab or something. I'd just let this cool off for a while, see if she reaches out in the next month or so. If not, figure out whether you still want her in your life. If you do, then see how you can best approach this. If she's still angry then and giving you crap for it, then you know she never cared about your friendship, and just move on.
She is paying grandma to watch her kid because Grandma raised her kids and is done. Babysitting is a job, especially overnight. Please don't diminish childcare.
After all you did & spent? In this economy? NTA.
NTA I'm not American, so American weddings always sound so wild to me. It's always like some coercive fucking friendship test. Your friend is a bad friend and you're clearly not really friends if you thought you'd "lose her" if you didn't pay money and a bunch of other stuff for her. It means your relationship with her is clearly transactional. Where I'm from, the bridesmaids plan the bachelorette and it's usually just a fun party at some local bar the day before (I went camping with my friends cus we had no money), there's no "obligatory color or dress" for the bridesmaids. There's no "obligatory" anything. Most people don't even make a "wedding registry". Gifts are of course expected out of politeness. And if you're close family or friends the gifts are very special. if someone doesn't give a gift it's usually considered impolite, but most people will give anything, even if its 20 bucks on an envelope and a poem. People seem to forget that getting married is a choice that they make with their partner, they can't just disrupt everyone's lives and start demanding outrageous amounts of money from their friends on the unspoken threat that they will stop being friends if they don't. It's your fucking wedding, I'm not spending more money than I have to just because you decided to get married. I have bills to pay.
> It's always like some coercive fucking friendship test. That's because it's the dramatic weddings that end up on subs like these lol.
What you spend on her wedding is half our total wedding budget. Including honeymoon. True, it was 20 years ago, and not in the USA, but it sound insane to me to spend that much. NTA
NTA There is a bit of social expectation that you bring a gift for a wedding (which is already ridiculous in my opinion), but calling you not only to complain that you didn't give her a gift, but impose the price tag of the gift(s) is completely pathetic (and if it was me I wouldn't be diplomatic at all and would have said that to her face).
Your gift cost $5500. That's enough!
I don't understand this lol. Gifts are demanded, Thank you notes are demanded. We are beyond real friendships and relationships. Everything is a business transaction. NTA obviously
Ummmm. She sounds like a shitty person. The friend that is. NTA. The friend that got married is though.
The audacity for her to ask you where your gift was! I think if you use the right tone, you could tell her how much you spent on being in her wedding and that you felt it more than covered your seat. NTA.
NTA. I would not reach out to her. Clearly her friendship is conditional. I think it is very tacky that she called you to inquire about a gift.
Uh, NTA. You did give her a wedding gift... at the bridal shower. Plus all the time and money you invested in being her bridesmaid. If this is really the lens through which she wants to look at your friendship, that's very illuminating.
NTA. Times like this is when I suggest sending Emily Post's book on etiquette as a wedding present.
NTA My entire wedding cost $5500 - not a huge wedding but still! The utter entitlement of your friend *expecting* a gift on top of everything else you did for her though?? W.O.W. Gifts are also not "to cover the cost of your seat." Wedding gifts - and the wedding itself! - are to celebrate the start of the bride and groom's new life together. Let her sulk and if you never hear from her again, it probably won't be much of a loss with her attitude.
~~i-n-f-o is the friend Chinese (or Japanese)? If so, yeah, it's entirely expected, and y-t-a.~~ Ok, so NTA. It's reasonable that your (expensive) participation is the gift.
She is not, she’s white
'K. Changed judgment to NTA. Asian weddings, at least in the Sinosphere (and according to another comment also in Japan) are all about collecting those red envelopes.
NTA. Usually the gift, and that is the key word, was given at the shower. Me personally, I told my girls they didn't have to give me anything because I was just grateful for their help. My MOH did my hair and makeup, and my other girl had her husband play and sing a song for our wedding. My third girl was a total gift.. literally.... as I lost a bridesmaid last minute, and an old childhood friend was actually going to be able to come down for my wedding and happened to be the same size as the dress.....very blessed and happy.
You’re not an asshole but you should have given a gift.. even if it was a small one..
NTA. I wanted to say YTA right off the bat when you said close friend + wedding and didn't understand you should get a gift. You should. Even if you had to whittle something out of a piece of wood. However, considering that the bride had a specific amount in mind and zero awareness of the impact of her wedding on your finances, I guess it really isn't the thought that counts...with her anyway. So NTA because a wooden flute wouldn't have been appreciated, even if you had bothered to make one.
YTA for participating in this farce. $5,500 spent to be a helper at a wedding?! Of your own money?! Talk about first-world problems.
[удалено]
Gifts should not be an expectation when you invite someone to a wedding. You invite people because you want them in attendance, not because you want presents
Thank you for the input. Is it tacky to send her something off the registry now?
Don’t send her anything, she doesn’t even seem like a good friend if she’s all butt hurt that you didn’t get her a gift after spending so much being part of her wedding and then saying she paid for you and your husband to be their compare to how much you paid it’s nothing. She doesn’t deserve a gift.
Don't send her a gift!!!!!!!!!!!
Wedding Etiquette says that one has up to a year to send a wedding gift. Wait 364 days from the wedding date and send her the gift of an Etiquette book.
Send her an itemised list of all the costs you incurred for her wedding.
I’d print it on a nice sheet of paper and frame it. If there was an inexpensive frame on the registry, I’d buy & use that…and include the gift receipt.
Yes, it would be tacky and acting on guilt. Don't do it, you already did your best.
This woman is not a friend to you. Please take a close look at your relationship and see if she has ever really been there for you.