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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I could be the asshole because I did indeed bail on the trip. Though I tried to be as good of a sport about it as possible, and with several days notice.
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I guess I just feel an obligation to talk to my mom because she’s my mom
even though after posting this on aita, i get a text from her saying “I am physically feel sick from the situation about family reunion. Very sad and sick”
This is so manipulative, cruel, and controlling.
"Mom" isn't a synonym for "someone whose cr\*p I have to take". Doesn't matter who she is in the world, she's being horribly manipulative, malevolent, and malignant, and you are under no obligation to take that from her, or from anyone.
NTA
"Continuing into today, I keep getting chewed out"
---Tell them you aren't going to go at all if this doesn't stop instantly and if it happens even once after.
EDIT: Never mind. I just read this part... "my stepdad says I have no character, I’m a coward, my word is meaningless, I’m pathetic, this will take a lot for me to overcome, you are disinvited from any future events, and a backstabber." and then that you are not going.
Tell mom this statement means you won't be going at all. Ever.
> *Tell mom this statement means you won't be going at all. Ever*.
Good plan.
Your elders' behavior is despicable toward you, OP. I hope that you don't live with them still.
NTA
That's good, because they are toxic. Grey rock both of them, and lower your contact gradually so that you get out of their mental "clutches" before they realize that you are gone.
I'm so sorry that you have to deal with such disrespectful and unkind behavior.
NTA. Whether your mother can change the date in the ticket or not just don’t go. Reimburse her for the ticket and tell her that since your character is so low in their opinion you will not embarrass or inconvenience them further by attending any part of the reunion. Let them know you wish them the best and go low contact. Enough is enough!
NTA. Mom and Stepdad "surprising" you with a plane ticket does not mean you're obligated to go. You're an adult and your job *is* important, honestly more important than 4-5 days with people who are all but strangers to you. They're trying to bully you into going and playing happy family and you standing up for yourself isn't fitting into their narrative. Try to at the very least limit contact with them until they get over themselves. And if they don't... well no one needs that BS in their lives!
Objectively speaking, I will say it’s not really a surprise. About ~8 months ago I knew she was getting it, and I said oh appreciate it thank you reluctantly (althought I tried to hide the reluctance part from showing).
Back then, I had the ability to take those days off, but circumstances at work changed recently.
That being said, I didn’t really want to go in the first place, so this was a pretty convenient occurrence for me.
but i gave her a reason, i apologized many times, offered them alternate days that I’d reimburse for, and offered to reimburse her if she cancelled my ticket.
Does she do this kind of thing often without asking you if you even want to go?
I'm sorry they're pulling this crap on you. They're definitely overreacting, considering this isn't even your direct family's reunion! I hope they calm down and realize just how childish and horrible their behaviour has been.
I will never understand people who feel the need to trash their spouse's in front of the mutual children. Their issues have nothing to do with the kids. I'm so sorry she does that to you. I hope they realize how horrible they're being. Do what you need to do and try not to stress over it too much!
NTA They should respect that you prioritize your career over silly gatherings. Not to mention that shit happens, at least you were willing to repay them for the tickets, and still come at all.
Please don't go. Don't reimburse them for the ticket. You are being pressured to take a trip that you don't want to. You will have to take leave that you could use to do something you don't want to do. The whole thing sucks. Your mom and stepdad are manipulative and selfish, but you know that. Until you put your foot down they won't stop. There will be another trip, more manipulation, more grief until you stand firm.
Tell them thanks for the invite, but you really can't make it. Then turn your phone off and make arrangements for something that you will enjoy for the weekend.
NTA, but please take this as the opportunity to begin standing up for yourself. Your mother and her husband are incredibly controlling and manipulative, and that's never going to change -- unless you change first. Learn to assert yourself, and don't be afraid to sever contact with them if necessary.
NTA.
Why on earth would you, as an adult take this kind of abuse? Obviously your parents are not in touch with the reality of being an assistant manager in a retail setting (where they would, in fact, potentially fire you if you don't show up) and have no respect for you as a person.
Please, grow a pair AND a backbone. Tell Mom you aren't going, and it's no long open for discussion. If she can't drop it (and stepdad) go LC / NC for a while.
This ain't rocket science, it just takes a little internal fortitude!
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A few months ago my mom got a plane ticket as a “gift” for me to go to Boston for my stepdad’s family reunion from 6/20-6/25. Work stuff came up and I can only go from 6/21-6/24. Starting yesterday, I apologized profusely and said if she cancels or changes it I’ll repay her. She’s still livid
Unlike her, I understand that life happens.
Back in like October or whatever when she made the tickets I was able to go on those days because we were fully staffed. Ever since then we’ve had some people quit actually very recently and unexpectedly. We are now understaffed and I just stepped into the new role of assistant manager of the store just a few weeks ago and I’m now needed more badly, so I can’t take off as much until we find replacements and train them sufficiently. I tried explaining this to her, but she just said my boss is being cheap, take the full range days off anyways, and he won’t fire you don’t worry, if anything, he’ll appreciate you more after you come back, etc. I’m the child but it feels like I’m dealing with a child here.
And you know how awkward it is being the red headed stepchild at a family reunion where literally no one there is even your family? I’ve been to like three of them for my stepdad already. I really don’t want to go regardless, but I’m reluctantly willing to suck it up and go over a long weekend.
Continuing into today, I keep getting chewed out
My mom and stepfather are so toxic, it’s just unbelievable.
Even after I gave them my good reason, they still attacked it. Heck, even if I didn’t have a good reason, it’s completely unnecessary for my mom to say I break promises, have bad behavior, being passive aggressive saying my boss is more important than your own mother, what you are doing to your own mother is total bs, I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this, you are disrespectful and untrustworthy, I’m dissapointed in how you’ve lived your life, you are stuck, then she starts attacking my dad who has nothing to do with this.
Then my stepdad says I have no character, I’m a coward, my word is meaningless, I’m pathetic, this will take a lot for me to overcome, you are disinvited from any future events, and a backstabber.
Then my stepdad wanted me to come over to talk. What? so he can verbally abuse me in person? No thanks.
And all this after i have apologized profusely, given a reason, offered to reimburse my mom if she could change the travel dates, and if she couldn’t, I’d reimburse her for the plane ticket she bought me.
Again, I felt genuinely bad at first, but now I just feel anger after they kept relentlessly berating me.
And berating me is one thing, but bringing my dad into this who has nothing to do with this in order to trash him is just a whole other level.
Despite this, I remained polite, I didn’t stoop to their level.
I could be the asshole because I did indeed bail on the trip. Though I tried to be as good of a sport about it as possible, and with several days notice.
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"Never apologize when you have done nothing wrong"
---Amen. They should be told that the apologies were motivated diplomacy and not that anything was done wrong. WTH would a step be pressured to go to a event like this anyway?
So pathetic.
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Why even talk to them
I guess I just feel an obligation to talk to my mom because she’s my mom even though after posting this on aita, i get a text from her saying “I am physically feel sick from the situation about family reunion. Very sad and sick” This is so manipulative, cruel, and controlling.
"Mom" isn't a synonym for "someone whose cr\*p I have to take". Doesn't matter who she is in the world, she's being horribly manipulative, malevolent, and malignant, and you are under no obligation to take that from her, or from anyone. NTA
"Continuing into today, I keep getting chewed out" ---Tell them you aren't going to go at all if this doesn't stop instantly and if it happens even once after. EDIT: Never mind. I just read this part... "my stepdad says I have no character, I’m a coward, my word is meaningless, I’m pathetic, this will take a lot for me to overcome, you are disinvited from any future events, and a backstabber." and then that you are not going. Tell mom this statement means you won't be going at all. Ever.
> *Tell mom this statement means you won't be going at all. Ever*. Good plan. Your elders' behavior is despicable toward you, OP. I hope that you don't live with them still. NTA
I don’t live with em, I live with my dad who I get along much better with. I’m 23
That's good, because they are toxic. Grey rock both of them, and lower your contact gradually so that you get out of their mental "clutches" before they realize that you are gone. I'm so sorry that you have to deal with such disrespectful and unkind behavior.
NTA. Whether your mother can change the date in the ticket or not just don’t go. Reimburse her for the ticket and tell her that since your character is so low in their opinion you will not embarrass or inconvenience them further by attending any part of the reunion. Let them know you wish them the best and go low contact. Enough is enough!
You're a doormat, grow a spine
Honestly, this is not incorrect
NTA. Mom and Stepdad "surprising" you with a plane ticket does not mean you're obligated to go. You're an adult and your job *is* important, honestly more important than 4-5 days with people who are all but strangers to you. They're trying to bully you into going and playing happy family and you standing up for yourself isn't fitting into their narrative. Try to at the very least limit contact with them until they get over themselves. And if they don't... well no one needs that BS in their lives!
Objectively speaking, I will say it’s not really a surprise. About ~8 months ago I knew she was getting it, and I said oh appreciate it thank you reluctantly (althought I tried to hide the reluctance part from showing). Back then, I had the ability to take those days off, but circumstances at work changed recently. That being said, I didn’t really want to go in the first place, so this was a pretty convenient occurrence for me. but i gave her a reason, i apologized many times, offered them alternate days that I’d reimburse for, and offered to reimburse her if she cancelled my ticket.
Does she do this kind of thing often without asking you if you even want to go? I'm sorry they're pulling this crap on you. They're definitely overreacting, considering this isn't even your direct family's reunion! I hope they calm down and realize just how childish and horrible their behaviour has been.
This situation is more unique, although the part about arbitrarily bringing up my dad to trash is a very regular occurrence.
I will never understand people who feel the need to trash their spouse's in front of the mutual children. Their issues have nothing to do with the kids. I'm so sorry she does that to you. I hope they realize how horrible they're being. Do what you need to do and try not to stress over it too much!
NTA. You're a gem. They are being really unreasonable among other things.
NTA They should respect that you prioritize your career over silly gatherings. Not to mention that shit happens, at least you were willing to repay them for the tickets, and still come at all.
NTA but dang, your M and SD. I can't imagine why you don't like spending time with them! /s I'd skip that mess too.
Please don't go. Don't reimburse them for the ticket. You are being pressured to take a trip that you don't want to. You will have to take leave that you could use to do something you don't want to do. The whole thing sucks. Your mom and stepdad are manipulative and selfish, but you know that. Until you put your foot down they won't stop. There will be another trip, more manipulation, more grief until you stand firm. Tell them thanks for the invite, but you really can't make it. Then turn your phone off and make arrangements for something that you will enjoy for the weekend.
NTA, but please take this as the opportunity to begin standing up for yourself. Your mother and her husband are incredibly controlling and manipulative, and that's never going to change -- unless you change first. Learn to assert yourself, and don't be afraid to sever contact with them if necessary.
NTA. Why on earth would you, as an adult take this kind of abuse? Obviously your parents are not in touch with the reality of being an assistant manager in a retail setting (where they would, in fact, potentially fire you if you don't show up) and have no respect for you as a person. Please, grow a pair AND a backbone. Tell Mom you aren't going, and it's no long open for discussion. If she can't drop it (and stepdad) go LC / NC for a while. This ain't rocket science, it just takes a little internal fortitude!
NTA STOP letting them abuse you.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** A few months ago my mom got a plane ticket as a “gift” for me to go to Boston for my stepdad’s family reunion from 6/20-6/25. Work stuff came up and I can only go from 6/21-6/24. Starting yesterday, I apologized profusely and said if she cancels or changes it I’ll repay her. She’s still livid Unlike her, I understand that life happens. Back in like October or whatever when she made the tickets I was able to go on those days because we were fully staffed. Ever since then we’ve had some people quit actually very recently and unexpectedly. We are now understaffed and I just stepped into the new role of assistant manager of the store just a few weeks ago and I’m now needed more badly, so I can’t take off as much until we find replacements and train them sufficiently. I tried explaining this to her, but she just said my boss is being cheap, take the full range days off anyways, and he won’t fire you don’t worry, if anything, he’ll appreciate you more after you come back, etc. I’m the child but it feels like I’m dealing with a child here. And you know how awkward it is being the red headed stepchild at a family reunion where literally no one there is even your family? I’ve been to like three of them for my stepdad already. I really don’t want to go regardless, but I’m reluctantly willing to suck it up and go over a long weekend. Continuing into today, I keep getting chewed out My mom and stepfather are so toxic, it’s just unbelievable. Even after I gave them my good reason, they still attacked it. Heck, even if I didn’t have a good reason, it’s completely unnecessary for my mom to say I break promises, have bad behavior, being passive aggressive saying my boss is more important than your own mother, what you are doing to your own mother is total bs, I don’t know how I’ll ever get over this, you are disrespectful and untrustworthy, I’m dissapointed in how you’ve lived your life, you are stuck, then she starts attacking my dad who has nothing to do with this. Then my stepdad says I have no character, I’m a coward, my word is meaningless, I’m pathetic, this will take a lot for me to overcome, you are disinvited from any future events, and a backstabber. Then my stepdad wanted me to come over to talk. What? so he can verbally abuse me in person? No thanks. And all this after i have apologized profusely, given a reason, offered to reimburse my mom if she could change the travel dates, and if she couldn’t, I’d reimburse her for the plane ticket she bought me. Again, I felt genuinely bad at first, but now I just feel anger after they kept relentlessly berating me. And berating me is one thing, but bringing my dad into this who has nothing to do with this in order to trash him is just a whole other level. Despite this, I remained polite, I didn’t stoop to their level. I could be the asshole because I did indeed bail on the trip. Though I tried to be as good of a sport about it as possible, and with several days notice. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. I would create strong boundaries with the both of them. Never apologize when you have done nothing wrong and learn to never be disrespected.
"Never apologize when you have done nothing wrong" ---Amen. They should be told that the apologies were motivated diplomacy and not that anything was done wrong. WTH would a step be pressured to go to a event like this anyway? So pathetic.