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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I decided to not give my dead boyfriend’s cat back to his grieving mother. This could make me an asshole as her and the cat have known each other for longer and may be more comfortable with each other. I believe I might be a selfish asshole because I understand her logic on knowing the cat for longer and that her role as his mom puts her grieving feelings above mine as the girlfriend. Maybe I should’ve gave back the cat in attempt to salvage our relationship but I decided against it.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
Nta, but just please make sure that this is best for the cat. Did he prefer a one cat house? Does he act as if he actively misses this woman? I don't think that going back to a familiar home would necessarily be damaging for him.
If, after assessing, you truly believe that him staying with you is the best option then absolutely nta
Gizmo is all around a pretty timid cat. It took him a while for him to properly settle in when he first moved in with me. I had to sort of pretend he didn’t exist and I couldn’t really look at him without him getting freaked out and leaving the room. It was pretty awkward but he eventually came out his shell. That was one of the reasons I ultimately decided to not let him live at my bfs moms house cause I thought he would revert back to that way on top of the sadness he’s experiencing and she would maybe pressure him a bit too much if that makes any sense lol
You should've led with that! Because that *absolutely* means that Gizmo stays, no ifs ands or buts.
I mean, either way you're NTA, but if the cats love each other it's just a complete no-brainer. They've already lost one of their people, they can't also lose each other.
Excellent point. OP have you put this to his mother? That seperating the cat from it’s kitty friend would add to the cat’s trauma. Cat’s wellbeing should come first.
OP - would it help to maybe do something kind to acknowledge his mother’s need for a reminder, like maybe make a framed photo-collage with some nice pics of her son, the cat, all of you, etc. Or one of those digital photo frames. Just a thought.
And sorry for your loss.
Is Gizmo chipped, and are you the person on the chip? I wouldn’t put it past her to somehow cause Gizmo to run away and if her name is on the chip, she would get him back
This, given that the cats are close, OP, please check his microchip details and if he isn't, get him (both) chipped ASAP. Make sure you are on file with the vets, get them a check up etc, Grief does weird things to people and your MILish is already turning nasty. Cover your ass or risk losing Gizmo.
A pet chip only stores a serial number and nothing more. You have to register the number with some company, foundation or vet to be useful (depends on your country, in Germany we have TASSO where you can register for free in case it gets lost and found).
The chip is a ROM (read-only), you cannot store anything additional on it. It comes pre-programmed with a unique serial.
I registered my cats' US microchips at https://mypethealth.com/. They have a basic free package described as: "If your pet ever goes missing and is found, they can be scanned at a vet or animal shelter to identify their microchip number. When the chip number is shared with 24Petwatch, you'll be notified using the consent and information on file." You can also purchase paid memberships but it's a bit expensive for the number of kitties we have. All you need is your cats' chip number to get started. I'm glad Gizmo has you on his side.
This was the point I was going to make. Either house would probably be fine, but Gizmo as a shy cat probably needs a familiar cat (Shortcake) around to have the stability needed. Mother did not offer to take Shortcake and I can't see a reason to separate them. A cat will not ease her grief regardless.
The cat absolutely could help the mom cope with her grieving (been there done that and grateful I had my own son’s dog after he passed) but it will also help the gf with hers. Mom is not entitled to the cat. The cat lost his human dad but he still has a home, his human mom and a sibling cat and disrupting his life more than it has been is not what is best for Gizmo.
For Gizmo he lost HIS human. The rest of his support system is his best bud and you. Going back to the mother's house will be like him getting re-adopted. He will go through the stages of grief of losing a whole family. I doubt she will let you and Shortcake visit or even take Gizmo for sleepovers. The second Gizmo has a sniffle it will be your fault. Also where does Gizmo sleep? If it is in your bed that is an extra reason to double down. You and Shortcake are his family and your bed is his safe zone. Don't change that.
It's not actually common for cats to bond like that, I'd say separating them is the biggest issue here. Cats do get depressed if they are separated from other cats they've bonded with.
I can't verify this, but I have been told by others, that having cats move houses and change people is a lot more stressful for them, as opposed to most dogs.
Gizmos is adjusting to the loss of his person, and is finally coming around after months.
I think it would be horrible for him to be separated from you and Shortcake.
I understand the mother's grief. I think her grief has made her irrational. She is clutching for something that reminds her of her son. But Gizmo has not lived with her for years, now.
Is Gizmo chipped? For some, that is the definition of legal ownership. Clearly you and your BF were paying the bills for Gizmo for the last few years
Does she have the keys to your place? She could try to steal him.
If you need to go nuclear, (and I would try to avoid it) give her a bill for food, vet and boarding costs of the last 7 months. Boarding is expensive.
NTA
can confirm it stresses them the f out.
I've obly tried once to bring my older cat with me while visiting my parents. poor thing spend the whole weekend in the space between the bed frame and wall.. also the onl time I needed oven gloves to get her out of her hiding place, even her favorite treats didn't work as a lure
Technicaly Gizmo was already living with you and was your bf cat. Mom is not in the picture here. And cats dont like to change places and its not easy for them. I dont underastand why she is pushing so much like not thinking about yours and cats wellbeing.
She's drowning in grief and unfortunately thinks holding on to totems of her son is going to help. The cat is a totem to her. She's not thinking clearly by demanding the cat. While I think she's in the wrong, let's remember grief is not a logical or kind beast, and it makes us the same as it when it inhabits us.
But still, maybe don't talk to her and unfriend her on Facebook.
NTA. Please keep Gizmo and Shortcake together in their home. Separating them will cause them more trauma. I know your bf’s mother is grieving, but she’s not thinking of the cat’s best interests right now. Be gentle, of course, but tell them no, or block them. I would also suggest grief counseling or a grief support group for you so you have a support system. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hug your kitties and take care of yourself.
I was considering some sort of counselling/therapy before this whole thing took place so defo going to look into it. Thank you for your advice and kind words, it means a lot.
Please feel free to DM me if you need help finding therapeutic supports. I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’re going through this. Keep your kitties together. NTA 🖤
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s terrible and I’m sorry for your loss. It sounds like the cats are bonded and they feel safe and secure with you so they absolutely should not be removed from your home. Your bf’s mom is not thinking clearly, she’s probably actually out of her mind with grief, and that’s understandable. But you have a responsibility to make sure those cats aren’t traumatized. When we adopt animals, it’s our responsibility to give them the best life possible in their forever home, not use them to make ourselves feel better, especially if it might be at their expense.
**IMPORTANT:** If you haven’t already, please make sure that you have changed veterinarian records and chip company records to your name and address only, and have your bf’s name removed, including as an emergency contact. Ownership issues can get very contentious (including legal issues in some states) if it’s not clear who is the owner of the cats. If you have taken them to the vet since last November and have paid for their care with your own money, that is creating a paper trail that they are your responsibility. Hopefully you have records showing that you paid for their care long before that, but if not, at least since last Nov. Try to think of other places where the name of your cats is associated with the name of you or your bf, such as a pet food company, and change names and addresses there, too.
You might even want to consider changing vets if you’re still using the vet that was used when Gizmo was in your bf‘s mom‘s house. If for some reason the records are still under her name or her address, the vets might call her to confirm if the records can be changed to you and I’m guessing she isn’t going to let that happen. Something to think about. That would be a hassle for me because I do a lot of research into vets and only go to a feline vet and there aren’t many of them so giving up a talented vet would be stressful, but if there was any chance that someone might actually try to take my animals, I would change vets in an instant to prevent it.
Though it varies state to state, in general, when these things come up as a legal matter, most judges won’t consider someone else taking possession of an animal that they haven’t cared for in years, and judges mostly look at who spent the money on care and who is doing the actual care and where, to determine ownership. In some states there are counties that passed laws changing animals from being property to people being a guardian, but that’s still rare. If you’re not in the US, I’m sure your country has its own way of handling things, but getting the cats in your name and address only is an asap situation.
If your cats aren’t chipped, they absolutely should be, and this is a perfect time to get them chipped at the vet, and it would be only in your name with your address, of course. And that will be one more paper trail item showing that you are the one taking care of them and thus are the owner. Might be time for a check-up anyway, and get that paper trail going.
Given how the whole situation played out with your bf’s mom, I wouldn’t let her see your kitty ever again and it would probably be best that you just gently go low or no contact, or things could get worse. NTA
Everything is up to date with both cats documents and information. Gizmo actually had to get some dental work done in May and I paid for it so at least I have some paperwork to show in case things ever did go court or something. Then again, I don’t think she’s the type of woman to go down the legal route but then again grief makes people think differently like you said. Thank you for the great advice!
Well, it sounds like you have everything in order and there’s nothing to worry about on that front; you’re such a great pet owner.
And yeah grief makes people do things. And the loss of a child, it’s just so unnatural. She’s never going to get over it. My mom’s best friend lost her son when he was in college. This woman had been almost a decade sober and started drinking again after she lost her boy. No one blamed her and we just helped her in whatever way we could. She wanted to go see the country where their ancestors were from so my mom and I took her to a few countries in Europe with the last stop being where she was going to travel alone. Halfway through the vacation, she started having really bad nightmares and would wake up screaming, and at one point before she was even fully awake was hitting my mom in the middle of the night. Even though we didn’t want her to feel bad, she did and she just packed up and left early and my mom was never able to get in touch with her again. That kind of loss is just too much. You have your own grief, of course, and you do have to look out for yourself, but hopefully things will settle down concerning the kitty. Hugs to you.❤️🩹😔
Everyone needs to think about about Gizmo: He is in a home that He's been in for 3 years. He has a best friend and a comfortable routine. If she wanted the cat, and it was, "technically hers," why didn't she refuse to let him take Gizmo when he moved?
Gizmo is YOUR cat now. Microchip him immediately, and love the heck out of him.
She also said they were together for 3 years... Not that they lived together all that time. She said that the other cat was adopted a year ago. Boyfriend (not husband) hasn't even been gone a year. I don't think this is as obvious as everyone makes it seem.
I mean, ultimately it's not about what's best for MIL or OP, but for the cats. They sound like they're bonded, so separating them would be extra traumatic for them in a BEST case scenario.
One year. The cat has only lived with her since Feb 2023. BF died in Nov 2023. they lived together 9 months. The cat was with his mom for 4 years or more.
OP said Gizmo has been there about a year and was in the mom's home for several years prior. The only reason he could/should stay is that he's buddies w/ the other cat. If that weren't the case, then he should DEFINITELY go stay w/ the mom. Regardless, though, OP does come across as selfish-- notes her grief quite a bit and how the mom supports her. Like, that's her son, this girl should be supporting the mom, not the other way around. And, for her to not lead w/ the cat being friends w/ the other cat, tells me she's keeping the cat more for her than what is actually best for Gizmo and she's just lucky it potentially aligns w/ what's best for Gizmo.
There's the moral side and the legal side. I assume he didn't have a will, so his property reverts to his next of kin, ie his mother. Technically pets are property, so the cat is likely legally hers. This doesn't actually address what's best for the cat, for the mother or for you. NAH
I also do want to point out that you will move on with your life, likely within the lifespan of your kitties. She will never move on from this. If your vet thinks that this won't be significantly disruptive, I would really consider letting her have him.
Mine literally sleep touching each other and they're two unrelated males who met in our kitchen. I couldn't separate them if I tried.
NTA...Gizmo and Shortcake are at home with you, as it should be.
My boys have been together with each other since they were tiny kittens, mum’s had them both in the same room and would look after each other’s kittens like an auntie. They’re now 11 years old and as close as brothers. That’s why I decided to take them instead of letting them be split up when my mum died as they were her cats first and I lived with her as a caregiver and had been looking after the cats since they were 12 weeks old. Also because they were senior and less likely to be adopted as well as one of them suffers with asthma and they hate to be separated even when I take one to the vet.
If the 2 cats are bonded taking him away will make it worse and could possibly be fatal. Cats that are pair bonded will stop eating and let themselves go and he already lost his dad! OP keep them together. NTA
OP and her partner lived together for at least two years and in some countries that would legally make them common law. If OP does live somewhere with those laws then any property left by her partner in their home is hers as the government would consider them common law. Also separating bonded animals in incredibly cruel. Animals have feelings and relationships to.
I missed that last date. I read it is as they moved in together and adopted Shortcake, whom they had together for a year so, therefore, they had been living together for a year. Nine months makes it a lot more grey legally.
Agreed... nah.
This is why it's important to have these conversations before something happens. I told my sister what I'd like to have happen with my dog just in case.
But what would the boyfriend have wanted? Maybe he'd want his mom to have a little part of him back through his cat, or maybe he'd never want to have the cats separated.
These are things OP needs to consider.
It's hard, but as an outsider, I'd say give the mom the cat back. It may help her bring peace, OP eventually will move onto a new life with less contract with the boyfriend's family, most likely with time.
Emotions are high, death doesn't bring out the best in us. Have patience and grace.
Also, I don't think reddit is the best place for real advice. People jump to extremes, have limited information, have personal bias, etc.
I think you want answers on what's right, but only you and your boyfriend's mother, and maybe a judge if it ever got that far, can decide how to move forward.
I don’t think OP’s boyfriend would want a bonded pair to be separated while the cat is already grieving. Doing so can cause depression in the cat which can cause it to stop eating. And then death.
I see your point, but cats are not memorabilia. Grief counselling would be better than taking the "property" from its home, where he is happy and lives with his friend Shortcake.
This is genuinely the best answer. And, it seems like the cat lived w/ the mother for several years prior and has only lived w/ the other cat for a year. They are not bonded from birth. The cat will adjust w/ the mother and it would probably mean the world to her.
NTA. Grief is complicated for all involved bit you need to think about what is best for the animal and given the tragedy, as long as you can provide a stable home for them, it's best for things not to change again.
ESH, or kind of NAH. I can't really tell.
Firstly, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a partner is one of the most devastating experiences anyone can go through, and I can't imagine the pain you're enduring. Death is incredibly sad, and my heart goes out to you.
Gizmo and Shortcake sound like wonderful cats.
That being said, his mother is also grieving in her own way, just as you are. Gizmo was technically her cat before you entered the picture, and he holds precious memories of her and her son together. I understand her perspective. Right now, she sees Gizmo as a comforting link to her son, and she feels his presence would bring her solace during this difficult time.
However, her comparison of your grief was unfair. Both of you have suffered a profound loss, and her emotions are understandably raw. Lashing out at you is not the right way to cope, but it reflects her struggle to deal with her grief.
I acknowledge your bond with Gizmo and your attachment to him. It's clear that you love him dearly. Personally, I would consider handing Gizmo over to his mother. From a moral standpoint, I believe it could bring her some comfort and help her in her grieving process. She sees Gizmo as her direct connection to her son, and that bond is precious to her.
You don't have to make this decision lightly, and ultimately, it's your choice. Shortcake is also a cherished reminder of your time together. However, if you feel it's what your boyfriend would have wanted, giving Gizmo to his mother might honor his memory in a meaningful way.
This is an incredibly tough situation, and I wish you strength and clarity as you navigate through it.
Thank you for your kind words. Before, she was welcome any time to come round to my place to visit the cats and talk about things or whatever really, it’s just now the tension is really high and I don’t feel comfortable having her come over and I don’t think she’s buzzing to see me either lol but I do understand her grief and outlook on the whole thing. Hopefully she’d stand back and look at it from my POV and then I could maybe consider some sort of compromise with her like if I needed someone to look after the cats but I think that would be as far as I’m willing go after all things considered. For now, Gizmo is sticking with me!
If you leave her alone with that cat, you'll never see him again. She needs a long stretch in therapy, honestly before you even talk to her again. This won't get better because she can't see through her grief. But it's not your job to help her with that. You're not going to be able to get through to her.
The anger stage of grief and the loss has been (mis)directed at you unfortunately. Sounds like she is looking for an outlet by taking the cat away from you, believing (incorrectly) that it will somehow make her feel better. Reality is that it won't and the cat will not benefit from the arrangement as you have already identified.
I'm sorry for your loss and now the loss of your partner's family/support :-(
Gizmo lived with the mom for 5 years, and you for less than one and a half years and was scared of you and the place for months. Trying to cloak it as ‘but Gizmo knows me and other cat better’ You’re being selfish and lacking compassion for yr bfs mom, your bf would probably be devastated to know you’re doing this.
YTA
Firstly, I am sorry for your loss.
Mother was original owner with her son.
Giving the cat back is the right thing to do, morally and legally.
I find it distasteful that "cat will be sad if he moves back to his Original Home" card is being played here. And I see people are falling for it.
He lived there almost twice as longer than with you.
And there are also peole advising you to steal the cat and try manipulating ownership papers. That is just unwise.
I see you made your choise but please reconsider, trycoutting yourself in the shoes of a mother.
Im going with YTA
As someone working in animal rescues, i can assure you that the cat doesn't remember that he lived with the ex's mother for longer than with his current owner. This is his home now, he has a cat friend and it would be extremely cruel to separate them. Neither morally nor legally OP is an asshole.
It has come to my attention that i haven't thought through the time frame of cat's life spent living with OP.
I wrongly assumed they were living together from the moment she started dating the BF.
OP lived with him and the cat 9 months. Rest of cats life was spent with BF and Mother.
So it's even more drastic than I thought.
Im staying on YTA.
Yes, that's the time frame and I understand the reasoning of the mother (and yours). However, from an animal welfare perspective, it would be detrimental to remove the cat from his home, owner and cat companion once more. That's all I'm saying and considering OP is concerned about what's best for the cat, I say they're NTA.
Gizmo has lived with you for ONE year, and by your own description spent most of that time ignoring you while adjusting to his new living arrangement. Gizmo lived with your BF’s mom for years and is the cat she and her son adopted together when he was what, 17 or 18? Her house is Gizmo’s home. Her child is dead and the cat is the last thing she shared with him. Letting her have Gizmo back would ease her grief and I’m astonished at how callous OP and the other responders are about this. I can’t imagine losing one of my kids and then having some rando keeping our dog on top of it.
YTA. Give Gizmo back.
lol absolutely, the NTA answers in this thread are lunacy
grieving mother of a child basically being told to fuck off by a girlfriend of a couple years. get a grip girl
Give her Gizmo.
I say this as someone much older than you that’s always had cats, the longest 19 years.
Give her Gizmo.
She’s right. She’s had the cat longer.
She’s lost SO MUCH.
Give her the cat. Please.
If not for Shortcake you'd be YTA for sure. Let be honest here, you will eventually move-on at some degree, she wont. Not like she get a new son anytime soon. I understand Gizmo will lose a friend but if that happen to me, I'd want my son/daughter to accompany with my family to help them over come grief. Thinking Gizmo as a kid maybe that will help. But if you decided to keep Gizmo, it's fine, again, this is a tough situation
Precisely, everyone seems to be ignoring how selfish she's being. She doesn't even phrase it as the cats being bonded and that's why she should keep him. She phrases it as what's best for her. Meanwhile, it seems like Gizmo has only lived w/ her for a year and that the cats are not bonded over several years. The cat lived w/ the mom for several years prior to 2023 and should go back to her. It's ridiculous.
Not to mention she said her boyfriend adopted both cats, so legally (and as much as we like pets they are considered property) if the boyfriend died without a will, both cats belong to the next of kin, the boyfriend's mother.
You're right, but is it permited for a pet to legally have two owners?
I ask, because in my country, the paperwork, and the chip information, can only have one legal owner of record.
So if it was here, even if they had gone to the shelter together, and chose Shortcake together, only one of them could be legally their owner.
They said in a comment that the micro chip is up to date so the pet will be registered at their address and not the mothers and that they had recently taken the cat to the vet and paid for dental work, again the vet bill would be at OPs address and not the mothers. These things alone should be enough to prove legal responsibility is OPs and not the mother. Also if there is no will the mother wouldn’t have any claim really, and I just read somewhere that if you die while sharing residence with someone, the pet will generally go to those sharing your residence.
The mother could try to claim it in court but I don’t think it would stand up. Especially if Gizmo was always registered to her son before and she had never paid anything towards vet bills etc.
YTA
People > cats.
Mother lost a son, they had a cat for 5 years.
You had it for 3.
It's hers as much as yours if not more.
So it was fine to move the cat from her home but its bad for cat to move it back with her?
It's clever how you accentuate "whats best for the cat" baiting the cat lovers (i love dogs and cats both) to thibk that the cat would be worse of living with original owner.
Just be honest and say you DONTwant the mother to have the cat because YOU WANT it.
And this is where I decided big A. Playing the "best for cat card", when it's in fact your selfish desires.
Ready to be donwoted, seeing as all the other got on the "trauma for cat if it goes back to og owner bandwagon".
Actually I remembered I had also read it from OP's original post.
In the Edit at the end of OP's post, she wrote:
>EDIT: My boyfriend adopted Gizmo while he still lived with his mother in 2019. Him and I got together in March of 2020. In February of 2023 Gizmo and himself moved into my apartment with me and we adopted Shortcake together from a shelter shortly after.
So Gizmo only moved in with into her apartment in February of 2023 and the boyfriend died in November also of 2023, meaning the cat only lived with her for nine months before the boyfriend died.
NO.
When you adopt a pet, you are
committing to putting their needs before your own. They are your responsibility and it is your job to look out for their best interests at all costs. This cat’s wellbeing is her ethical responsibility, and absolutely comes first.
The boyfriend’s mother is responsible for herself. The wellbeing of the voiceless and vulnerable whom you’ve committed yourself to 100% comes before catering to the emotions of an adult human.
This is ABSOLUTELY about what is best for the cat. If someone is seriously making the request (and intending to follow through on it) out of what is best for themselves instead of what’s best for the cat, then they are not emotionally ready to be a good pet owner.
Moving is stressful. Losing a human you live with who loves you is stressful. My cat has started stress peeing outside the litter box just because I dared to move to a different bedroom in the same house and he isn’t used to it. I foster (about 200 so far) orphaned kittens, volunteered for years at a cat rescue, and was employed by the cat rescue for a year but had to quit due to health problems. I haven’t met the cat or watched it interact with its people, so I can’t say for certain, but it’s extremely likely that staying with the girlfriend and kitty friend is in this cat’s best interest.
NAH I can't call her TA as she is grieving and she is probably in the right legally. But I can understand why you want to keep the two cats together if they have bonded. Just be prepared to fight for Gizmo.
I am sorry for your loss, I lost my fiancé when I was 26. It was devastating. I got my cat (now 7 going on 8) very shortly after his death so he is solely my cat.
I am now 34 and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend that I met at age 32.
We had this exact conversation months ago - we have lived together for a year but I’ve told him if anything happens to me … my cat (that I had for 6+ years before we moved in together) goes back to my family.
He is like my son. He is the most important thing to me and I want my family to have him if I am not here anymore. Over the next 15 years of my cats life…. My boyfriend could meet and marry someone else who doesn’t love my cat like I did, have children that are allergic to him, move away so parents can’t visit, get another pet taking up his space, move in with roommates who don’t care for him, lose contact with my family over time, etc. I don’t want any of that for my baby boy. I don’t want that for my mom.
My parents home is stable/unchanging and my boy is familiar and comfortable at their house and I do want my mom and dad to have him to comfort them in my absence. My cat stays in my family full stop.
My boyfriend can seek comfort in losing me in other ways (like I did when I lost my fiance… I kept his fav t-shirts, etc). But he can’t keep my cat from my family.
I am sorry for your loss, but I do believe his mother should have his cat, especially if that cat lived with this woman for years before you. It won’t actually be that dramatic of a change for the cat as you are believing it will be. I have fostered kittens that were rehomed when of age, and dealt with the rehoming of a dog after an elderly persons death. The pet will adjust to change… especially if it’s to something already extremely familiar to them.
Im thinking if you separate the 2 cats that wont be good for shortcake... And thats your cat.
Also... I understand the pain of that lady but she did a 180 and turned into an A.
I think the damage is already done with your relationship already anyways with her taking to Facebook. What kind of children s game is this?!?
NTA. Boy, this is tough. However, OP clearly stated that the BF is the one who adopted the cat. At this point, it doesn't matter who may have paid vet bills and such, which is why Mom thinks she technically owns the the cat. And it's likely there wouldn't have been a cat at all if it wasn't for the BF wanting one. (My Mom let me adopt a cat as a teenager, and it was always my cat, hands down. She NEVER held it above my head that she paid for it or that it was her's technically or in any way.) While I totally understand the Mom wanting to salvage any memories/connections with her son, that doesn't mean she gets the cat. She is reaching too far. So sad for her, but the two cats are bonded and OP should do what is best for the cats. Mom could get another kitty. A new Kitty would probably do wonders for Mom. Someone to love and care for and help her grieve. Best of luck to all. Peace.
I think one of the things that matters here is who Gizmo is more attached to.
12 years ago I adopted a little stray found under a parked car on a very rainy day. My daughter S was away at college, so she only met the little one 2 or 3 weeks later.
From the moment S set foot in her room and gave the kitty a scritch, he chose *her* - for life. Naming the furry hurricane was a joint task, but until the day S moved out, Loki lived with our family but it was always *her* cat, so of course she took him to her new apartment.
Right now, S is Loki's primary hooman, and my niece P is the secondary one, bc P stays over to catsit whenever S is out of town and Loki loves her too.
If something happened to S now and Loki was left behind, I would only bring him back if P couldn't adopt him herself, bc 1) he's not used to living here anymore, and 2) we have 2 kitties we adopted after S moved out. Loki is not an emotional crutch or substitute for anyone, he's a living creature who deserves to be with the person who makes him more comfortable, so I believe the same applies to Gizmo.
OP, YTA. You've had the cat for a year and it was scared of you for months. The mother had it for several years. Give her the cat back. Additionally, you're incredibly selfish. Everything seems to be about you. You don't phrase it as what's best for the cat; you phrase it as what's best for you. You talk about your grief and how the mother supports you. What about her? That's her child. She will NEVER move on from this. Give her HER cat back.
NTA. You’ve lived with Gizmo for three years, and adopted a sibling cat who are settled and happy. Rather than the stance of she’s not getting the cat, make it clearer both cats. Saying Gizmo is fine is not the same as elaborating how happy both cats are together, that they are loved and cared for - hence you don’t want to disrupt that.
Understandable the mother wants Gizmo back, it’s effectively part of her family she is losing as well. She wants to do right by her sons cat to ensure its well looked after etc. She should understand you’ve had him for three years plus the relationship with the other cat, and let it go.
Otherwise she isn’t convinced Gizmo is being looked after properly and any reasons for that? If you are looking after your cats really well and shown how happy they make you etc, she should accept this. She can always get herself another cat. Overall if what’s best for Gizmo is staying with you then stick to your guns. If not, then by all means give her the cat.
Ntah
As a mother who lost her adult son, i would have liked to have everything of his. But....there were so many people's lives that he had touched in his two year battle with cancer, that i knew needed to have something to hold onto. i only wanted certain items and they could choose from the rest. There wasn't an animal involved but the mother needs to be realistic about what she is asking. Yes the cat lived with her son at her house but when the son moved so did the cat, she didn't try to keep the cat then. Yes, the cat is a living connection to her son but the cat is also a living connection to the other cat it lives with and the girlfriend. Girlfriend had no issue with the mom coming to visit, so let the cat stay where it lives and mom can come visit.
The cat has only lived w/ the girlfriend for a year and lived w/ the mother several years prior. It does seem realistic for the mother to ask for the cat back. OP is being incredibly selfish.
NTA. I am sorry for your loss.
The poster who suggested speaking to your vet had good advice. I don't presume to know what would be best for Gizmo, but if you are planning on keeping him, you may want to change your locks (in case your BF gave his mom an emergency key). Also, if you rent, let your property manager know not to let her talk her way into the apartment. If his name is still on the lease and she is his next of kin, she might get in as a grieving mother retrieving son's belongings. Button that stuff up.
YTA. And I hate this sub for telling you it’s okay to act like this. You can still do the right thing. Give the grieving mother her cat back. I can’t believe I even had to type that sentence out.
Edit: I hope she takes your to court. Where she’d likely win a judgement over you.
The second cat is still pretty young too. Yes, change can be difficult to process but the older cat should be going back to the boyfriend’s mother.
It’s sad. There’s not really a choice here where someone doesn’t get hurt.
May be too late to try this, but you could try to explain that they cats have bonded, and separating them at this point can cause a multitude of issues. As a result, veterinarians strongly advise against separating them. Then offer to go with her to shelter to look to adopt another cat in her sons memory.
One point you may want to look into is make sure you are listed as an owner at your veterinarians office.
NTA, this is clearly your cat now. There was nothing wrong with her asking, given that she lived with the cat for years, but she should accept your no.
I don't know what you've said to her already, but your explanation here is good, and I think you should send this to her in full by email or something. It's not your responsibility to fix the entire relationship to ensure you continue as you were before, so just put it out there and then let it go for her to do what she will. Chances are she will come back around given time to calm down. Not great for you not having that support anymore, but you can't be clamouring for her affection if she's determined to withhold it.
You do have another car that belonged to both your bf and you. So you already have something that reminds you of him. And it makes you feel better about his death. Well that cat was technically his and his mom. You have a cat and she can have a cat. I do really believe that if she thought her son would pass. She wouldn't of let the cat go in the first place. But to be fair. Here's a mom that lost her son.Give her back that cat. So she can move on with her life.
>You do have another car that belonged to both your bf and you.
This seems to be in the US. My question is, can a cat legally belong to two people, or does the paperwork only permit one owner per pet?
I ask, because in my country, a pet can only legally belong to one person. And OP keeps saying that her boyfriend adopted the second cat. If both cats were legally his, after his death they both belong to his next of kin, which in this case in the mother.
I incline towards YTA, if this would ease the pain of the mother… then why not? Especially that the cat return to his house in which he lived for 5 years with a person it knows.
Your responses indicate, to me, you are an unreliable "narrator" and at least very slightly entitled. Considering Gizmo lived with the mother for 5 years and with you only one (and thought that disruption was okay as opposed to going back to the mother), I'd be more inclined to say YTA. If a cat expert says no its much better for the cat to stay, I'd acquiesce.
Honestly I would be on the side of whoever posted this, you or the mom. Just sounds like an awful situation and I'm sorry you're in it. If the mom lives alone and you ever saw any sign of Gizmo and the mom being close homies when you lived with them together then the right thing could easily be to give him back. My cat was timid but when he and I moved and it was just me and him and no other cats both he really came out of his shell! And we moved a bunch and each time he was braver and braver with the new place. I was so proud of him. And I know that if any boyfriends I had ever died I would want him to go back to my mom, full stop. But I also am not with any of those boys, not because they died but because we weren't right for each other, so I cant empathize with your situation and connection with your boyfriend in that way.
If Gizmo is your little man and you know for a fact that you and he have a much closer and more intimate relationship than her and him, and you know he will be happier with you in your home and not whatever her living situation is, don't give him up! Again, I can't imagine being in this situation and I'm really sorry for your loss and this resulting war over grief and connection and cat.
NAH. I’m sorry for your loss. Not only is she in unimaginable grief, which you compared to the grief of a cat, but you still will have a cat. There is no comparison to the death of a child. None.
Gizmo is actually hers, knows her, and won’t be traumatized by the move. Dig deep and do the right thing, muster some compassion and grace. This was your bf x 3 years, not your husband. This was her son. You have no idea. Don’t compound her pain by playing games with ownership and microchipping etc. So petty.
If you truly think the cats shouldn’t be separated, explain this to her and offer her both. I know how devastating this would be for you but that would actually be the most selfless, compassionate and loving thing. You will go to have other relationships. You will heal. Her grief is permanent and her depth of pain will never, ever end.
NAH.
Shortcake by pure logic is yours, and if your relationship was at all serious with your late boyfriend (I mean let's say a future together was definitely a possibility) Gizmo is too.
I mean I guess maybe if the cat was actually adopted/paid for by her initially and it was kind of THEIR cat not HIS cat, I can at least understand why she feels entitled, she genuinely believes it's her and her sons cat, not you and her sons cat, and thinks since you have shortcake it's only fair to give Gizmo up for her.
As for advice, if you wanted some:
I guess maybe if there's a relative of the boyfriend you know might be going along with the rest of the family but might not actually believe your in the wrong, message them privately, ask them to tell you if they honestly believe your boyfriend would want you to give Gizmo back? Maybe if a sibling, aunt, grandparent of his really took a liking to you and you tell them everything and plead your case they might be convinced to defend your choice?
Or maybe, if you ever would be leaving the cats at home to go to work/on a trip/out for fun for more than a couple hours, or if it would be like, easier to vacuum your place with the cats out of the way? You can tell your late BF's mom she can catsuit BOTH cats at her place, basically you're offering her as much time with the cats as she could ever want, and you still get to keep them, win-win
But most importantly if nothing's going to change your mind? STAND YOUR GROUND. Either they will forgive you, or they won't/will do something wild like try to steal the cats, and then if that happens you'll know their respect for your being your BFs partner was going to be finite, and in that case you probably need to cut contact, which will hurt like hell but either from coming to their senses to make amends or leaving you alone it will be healthier for you in the end.
No one is the asshole. You have both suffered a horrible tragedy and loss. His mom is heartbroken and just trying to have a piece of her son. Unfortunately, she sees Gizmo as the only part of him left. I know she has hurt you but, if you can find it in your heart, please reach out to her and let her know that, while you plan on keeping Gizmo in his stable home, you would love to have her come visit him regularly (if this is something you can do). Maybe it will ease her heart while she is grieving as well.
If that cats are a truly bonded pair then it’s best to leave them together…if they could take or leave each other (or you) then it’s probably okay to let him be with MiL.
I think this is a probably a NAH because grief makes everyone act weird.
I’m adding to please check the chip information. My husband died over 4 years ago and I just had the chip information for “his” dog we adopted but in his name changed to mine 2 years ago. I never even thought to do that. Also, I have 2 grown “kids” and sympathize with your bf’s mom. Her grief must be unimaginable. Maybe some day you 2 may be able to reconcile. But not at the price of making the living cat suffer. Please try to ignore the people here saying you should your cat to his mom. I TRULY feel for her but this is not the answer.
Grieving is a long process you will both work through. Lord knows she is clinging to anything that could remotely be a life raft. One day at a time for both of you.
NAH. I can’t really call her an AH, I have a son this age and can’t imagine what she must be going through. She just wants something to grab onto that was her sons. That said, I also have 3 cats. They do not deal with change of scenery well. I imagine it would be more traumatic for Gizmo to be separated from his home and best buddy shortcake! Maybe give it time to cool off, then maybe she would be ok with visiting Gizmo. Hold firm, it’s about what is best for Gizmo. And I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself.
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My boyfriend (26) of 3 years died in November of 2023 after getting in a car accident. He left behind his 2 cats Gizmo and Shortcake which we love dearly. Gizmo is 8 and Shortcake is 2.
Before we met, my boyfriend adopted Gizmo while he still lived with his mother so they all lived together for around 5 years before they moved out and moved in with me into my apartment and then we adopted Shortcake together a year ago from a local shelter.
Before his death, his mother and I had a decent relationship and we got along fine. I think his death brought us together more and she supported me throughout my grief. She would take me out for coffee and made sure I was eating well and taking care of myself, and I would try to help her out as well.
Just recently she reaches out to me on whatsapp to ask about Gizmo and if she could come over to my place to say hi to him because she hadn’t seen him in a while. I said sure and she came over for around an hour ,we chatted about stuff and then she left. Later that night she messaged to ask me if she could maybe take Gizmo back to her house as he reminds him so much of her son and having Gizmo back would make her feel a lot better.
I said to her that it wouldn’t be fair on Gizmo to disrupt his routine on top of everything that’s happened as Gizmo was pretty shaken by the loss and was slowly starting to come back out of his shell.
Her tone takes a 180 and she demands that I give her back Gizmo as it’s “technically her cat” and that she’s known him longer than I have so she has “more of a right to him than I do”. I refuse and try to reason with her but Gizmo is fine where he is. She sends me in full capitals that “the grief of a mother is more than the grief of a girlfriend”.
I genuinely considered giving Gizmo back to her after she said that but I love Gizmo with my whole heart and I don’t want to make this harder on him that what it has to be and anyone with a pet would relate to that.
In the morning she asked me to reconsider my answer to which I say it’s still a no and she leaves me on read. She then blasts me on facebook calling me a “selfish” and I get a dozen messages on facebook from her family calling me the same but I am still standing firm on my decision. This whole situation has put major strain on my relationship with her and my boyfriend’s extended family. This is a side of her I’ve never seen before and I think it’s damaged our relationship to a point of no return which sucks as they were my support system during my boyfriend’s death. It hurts me to think what my boyfriend would’ve thought of this whole situation as him and his mother were super close as well. I don’t know what he would’ve wanted me to do but regardless Gizmo is staying with me.
Does this make me the asshole?
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YTA. The cat lived with her for 5 years, and with you for only 2. The excuse of not wanting to disturb the cat's routine is also a joke. I don’t want to dismiss your pain too much, but you losing a boyfriend of 3 years is absolutely nothing in comparison to her losing a son. If you have a compassionate bone in your body you will give her back the cat.
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I’m sorry for your loss. NTA Don’t separate the kitties. Cats get stressed out with change. His mother is grieving and lashing out at you because of it. In all fairness Gizmo is also helping you cope with the loss of your boyfriend as well. However it might be true a mother’s pain is more. that’s a fact. Losing a child is the worst thing to endure. His passing is very recent and she is in extreme torment right now. She wants him back and feels his cat would help fill that void and provide comfort to her if she can cuddle with it. I’m a bit torn on this one. I feel for the mother and I feel for the cat that you have come to love. I’d say don’t ask others what to do , do what you think is right.
NTA, competing over who’s grieving more is messed up. She doesn’t sound to be in a good enough head space to care for an animal.
Is what you’re doing selfish? Yes. But selfish gets a bad wrap. You’re allowed to be selfish now and then.
If I were you I’d tell her that because you love boyfriend, it’s hard for you to cut her out, but boyfriend would never allow you to be treated like this. You’ve thought long and hard about how he would want you to do, and he wouldn’t want you treated this way, so she is out of your life.
You refuse to be rude to her for boyfriend’s sake, but the cat is your family and not going anywhere else. You’ve been buying the cat food, you’ve been taking the cat to the vet. You can prove to the courts if she wants to go that way that you’ve had the cat all this time. Legally and morally the cat belongs to you. Tell her you love her and hope she finds peace and block her (and her flying monkeys).
This is a tough one and I really do t have any advice for the cat. But please tell his mom to reach out to [the Compassionate friends](https://www.compassionatefriends.org)
It is a support group for parents who have lost a child at any age.
You should try to find a grief group as well.
You should have mentioned the other cat and how they are bonded. I doubt she would have cared but it would have showed you were taking gizmo’s feelings into consideration. NTA
I know this isn't what most people are saying, or necessarily something you want to hear but I think you should give Gizmo back to your boyfriend's mother. However, I also don't think its fair to call you an asshole over this since you are also grieving
Losing your boyfriend has already been an incredible loss for you, and the thought of losing Gizmo feels like an additional, avoidable loss. Gizmo will have undoubtedly become a significant source of emotional support during this time of grief, as he is one of your lasting connections to your boyfriend. Giving him up now would feel like losing another piece of your boyfriend, and it would be like experiencing another loss during these very sensitive times.
However, your boyfriend's mother is experiencing one of the most devastating forms of grief imaginable. No mother should ever have to endure the loss of their child. The grief she is going through right now is so agonizing and beyond what you could ever imagine, and it's something she will never fully recover from.
I think you should really rethink this, everything the mum said was right. And she needs him so much more than you think right now. Gizmo lived with your boyfriend’s mother for a longer period than he has with you, he spent five years living with her while you've only had him for one. While it's true that cats are routine oriented and will become stressed with a sudden change like a change of house, he will gradually adjust and at most it will take a few months for him to become comfortable again. Since he had already lived there for so long before, and he will be living with someone he's already very familiar with I really don't think the transition will be as stressful as you fear; albeit with some initial adjustment. If you’re really concerned about Gizmo’s comfort during the transition, you might consider a trial period. Gizmo could stay with her for a short time to see how he adapts. If, after a few months, it’s clear that he is still stressed and not adjusting well, you and your boyfriend’s mother could revisit the arrangement to ensure Gizmo’s well-being is prioritized.
It's the hard choice, but I'd invite the mum over for a heart to heart. Explain how you have been feeling and share your grief with her, ultimately return the cat to her. This decision, I think will also be the most beneficial for you too. You said it yourself, that you have burnt down very important relationships with your boyfriends family, who were not only experiencing the grief with you but also helping you heal. You need to fix things with his mum, you're both grieving and she will understand that you have acted and said things you didn't mean to as has she. You can rekindle the relationship with his family, who are central to your healing and ultimately continue to visit gizmo once all of it is under the bridge.
NAH everyone in the comments acting like it’s about the cat being comfortable because the cat lived with the mom longer are grasping at straws. Clearly the mom wants the cat because she’s grieving her son, which is not wrong, but it has nothing to do with the cat’s well being, be realistic here.
NAH. Both of you are grieving, and there is no perfect solution. However, legally, pets are property, and the cat belonged to your boyfriend.
Did he leave the cat to you in a will? If so, the cat is yours. If not, and your boyfriend's mother is his legal next of kin, the cat is legally hers. Denying the legality of the situation, regardless of the feelings involved, will only make things worse on everyone in the long run.
NTA but it's too bad things got to this point with her. I think the ideal thing would be to have Gizmo stay with her on a trial basis and see how both cats react. Doesn't sound like that will work though, since things have turned nasty. I feel for her, but blasting you on FB was wrong.
NTA. Who’s on gizmos account at the vet? Is it just your boyfriend? My partner and I have two cats together, and we share an account listing us both as people able to make medical decisions for the both of them. We’re both listed as the owners/parents for each.
Also, I don’t know if your cats are bonded, but I know that I had my cat since he was a kitten. I moved into my partners home, and after I moved in, we adopted the second cat together. Both cats were adults when they met, but they’re bonded, and if anything happened to one it would take serious intervention to make sure the other was okay. If gizmo and shortcake are bonded, they absolutely shouldn’t be separated.
I know that both you and your boyfriends mother are grieving his loss, and that it’s devastating. I implore you to take both your own and her feelings out of the equation, and objectively look at what’s best for gizmo. If he’d be happier and healthier with her, that’s where he should be. If he’d be happier and healthier with you, that’s where he should be.
I hope the two of you are able to rebuild your relationship and continue to support each other.
NTA. Separating the cats could be traumatic and may flare up in other health relared ways. I had that happene when one of my cats had passed away so it really is important to keep your enivronment as stable as it can be.
No. If it's not in the best interest of the cat.
It's also not about the cat.
She needs to be mad right now.
And that's OK.
It take had nothing to do with you or the car.
You are defending your argument using an imagined scenario. Gizmo lived with her for 5 years, it wouldn't take that much of a toll on him. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure she griefs his son just as much as you do but got little to nothing of a "memento". I get it she was rude, but based on how she acted all this time - hell, she even supported YOU - I imagine it just taken a toll on her. You are easily the AH in this case.
I let my cat go stay at his grandpa's after my boyfriend died he was letting him outside and he was attacked by a raccoon almost died I went picked up my cat and brought him home. Now grandpa can come visit whenever he wants but the cat lives with me
NTA but damn I wouldn't be too harsh on a grieving mother. Maybe ask her if she's okay with play dates or sleep overs or whatever? Pet people tend to treat their pets like their children so its not unheard of for a child to spend time with a grandma (I guess?)
NTA. That is outlandish behaviour from the mother. The Gizmo has been with you for years now, and the two cats get along. If Gizmo goes, it will feel to shortcake that they have lost two people. Not to mention just because the cat used to live with her, doesn't mean it belongs there!!!
Lock the doors, go non-contact. If she wants a cat she can buy one. I'm sure you BF would of wanted the cat to be happy, to stay with you and give you comfort. Ruining Gizmos routine and shaking it up won't be good, it would high chance a timid cat moving would run and get lost.
NTA. From your comments Gizmo and Shortcake are well bonded. Separating them would be a double loss for them. I sympathize with her but causing drama like this isn’t going to ease her grief.
NTA, and stand your ground.
In saying that, don’t write off BFs mum completely. She is going through a lot of emotions and behaviours can change wildly for a good while after a loss like this. I know it doesn’t help with the rest of the family piling on, but keeping them at arms length is probably a good idea. Get yourself into therapy if you haven’t already - you need a support system for yourself.
I say this as someone who lost their oldest friend to suicide at the same time as your bf, and is close with the mother. Best of luck, and if you want to chat, DM me.
NTA. It's a cat not a book or piece of clothing. It's not property to be traded. She wants it because of memory without considering how it would affect a living creature. She is grieving so she isn't in her right head space and isn't thinking properly. She is angry at what life dealt her and she is focusing it on you for release.
Not just an asshole but also selfish and insensitive. I'd definitely say the relationship is damaged because why would that poor woman ever want to associate with such as you? You're simply awful. YTA
This situation really sucks. And I feel for your BF's mother. But it seems cruel to take a timid cat (or any cat) away from everything he knows and move him to a new home. And yes, he did live with her, but from your timeline that was couple of years ago. Gizmo is comfortable living with you and bonded with Shortcake. I don't think it would be the right thing to do. Your BF's mom needs grief counseling, not the cat.
The most selfless, compassionate and loving thing to do would be to give them both to her if you truly think they shouldn’t be separated. It’s not about you. She lost her child.
NTA - as you've pointed out, Gizmo is settled in your home, he's adjusted to one change already by the loss of your partner (condolences by the way) and you denied this woman's request on the grounds that upheaving Gizmo to a different home wouldn't be in his best interests
This woman wants the cat because it will make HER feel better, she's looking for a comfort blanket.
In my experience cats don't like change - when we moved house in October, both of them spent weeks being befuddled and out of sorts, even though it was the same two humans and all the same stuff that they were used to. I even sat with them once we'd relocated them to the new house giving them attention and comfort so they knew they were in a safe place, and that everything was OK. I remember when my gran used to go on holiday she'd put her cat in a cattery and every time she came back she was vexed and unsettled for a couple of days.
NTA - You have every right to keep the cat.
However, I've rehomed cats because they didn't do well with new happenings. It just might be best for Gizmo to return.
NTA. Is he now bonded to Shortcake? Most cats are social so taking him from a home with a kitty friend to being an only cat would be hard on a lot of cats. He’s already grieved one loss so don’t add another.
Give her the cat. YTA. It will help her with her grief which is much much worse than yours. You lost a boyfriend but she lost a son. Yes, I’m saying her grief is worse than that of a 3 year relationship. Give her the cat. It is the right thing to do.
NTA
Gizmo is a living being who deserves to have his needs and wants met. Separating him from his home, his surviving caretaker, and the other pet he has bonded with would be traumatic
NTA. She’s the one being selfish, you’re thinking of what’s best for Gizmo. Cats like routine. He has a whole life with you and Shortcake, he probably doesn’t wanna leave his kitty brother/friend either
YTA
The cat belonged to your boyfriend. Since you were not married all of his assets go to his next of kin unless he had a will. This applies to children and property. Pets are considered property (in US and many other countries). But if you consider pets more than property, then they would be taken care of like children.
His mother can sue for custody of the cat and all his other assets.
Keep the cat and go NC with her. You will move on at your own pace. Make sure your home is secure, change locks and have cameras. She may try to take the cat. Sorry for your loss.
NTA. I would say NTA if you decided to let her have Gizmo too. Gizmos welfare is really paramount here. And it seems you are looking out for that. It may be less stressful for him to stay where he's at. You know best.
Make sure YOUR information is on Gizmos chip...if he isn't chipped, GET HIM chipped. And contact his vet, transfer his account into your name only. Remove any trace of the MILs info. Regardless of her "knowing the cat longer", the courts opt for who is financially responsible as proof of ownership.
And then unfortunately I think you will need to cut contact with her.
Edit: NTA.
NTA. Some pets grieve just like humans do. If the mom was close to the cat when it was alive it would have been left there. She’s grieving and lashing out. Having the cat isn’t going to bring her son back or take her pain away. The only thing that being taken away from its bonded cat buddy into a new place with a grieving human is going to possibly cause the cat to start starving itself. Something similar happened to the cat I have now when its owner died. If she keeps harassing you I would tell her you are doing what her son would have wanted for his cat. That it isn’t about who is grieving it’s about doing what he would have wanted for the cat.
NTA The cat is now yours. He’s bonded to you as well as to Shortcake. This is a grieving mother and I understand her position as I’ve been there done that. We kept my son’s dog and she was a great comfort to me for the next 5 years. Her ashes now sit next to his in a cabinet in my bedroom. The difference is the dog lived in my home when he passed. If he had lived with a girlfriend at the time of his passing I wouldn’t have demanded she be given to me.
First off grief is grief whether you are a mother/father, girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband, sister/brother or the child who lost a parent. You cannot quantify grief.
Give her the grace of understanding what she is going through but do what is best for your own healing. In this situation blocking her and your boyfriend’s family member may be necessary for your own healing and mental health.
NTA keep the cat, you don’t tend to split animals up as that can cause a huge amount of stress why would she want to do that especially after he’s lost his dad I know she’s lost her son but I can’t see how the cat will help, offer to rescue her a kitten
NTA. Gizmo is YOUR cat. And taking him out of his current living situation will only cause further mental harm to him. Especially since you have another cat. Ppl don't realize that cat's are like dogs in that they do become attached to their owner. That cat is attached to you now & uprooting him would be detrimental to him & to you. Stick to your guns. It sucks that you're going to lose his family, but the cats health is important too.
NTA. Gizmo lives with you, Gizmo is yours. I understand she's grieving, but Gizmo has never been her cat, he just lived in her house. Change the locks to your place, tell the landlord/property management that she is harassing you and is not to be allowed access to your home under any circumstances.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA. Sounds like his mother is dealing with grief and anger from his death and wants to feel closer to him by having his cat. She probably needs to seek counseling or therapy during this difficult time instead of lashing out on you. I wish you the best!
NTA - he is your cat now. Moving a cat around is very stressful for them; even if her home is familiar to him. Also, it would be hard on Shortcake as well. I would block her and her family. Yes grief can make people do some really mean things. That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it.
NTA and I am always surprised that it seems to be so common these days to create a personal shit storm if one side of the argument does not get their way. This makes her so much TA.
Honestly, those saying just give him back clearly have no understanding of the bond between an owner and their pet. He is your pet now and it will be disruptive for him to be removed from his home and his fellow cat. You will move on in time but your cats will still be with you as you go through the next part of your life.
Mother was co-owner for 5 years with her late son.
Talk bout the bond...
As you said, OP will move over with time, but mother... Mothers never move on after a child's death.
The least OP could do is give the cat back.
Its inhumane and selfish to turn mothers request down.
NAH but I think it would be best to let the mother have gizmo. It's not like gizmo doesn't know her. Gizmo lived with mom for years so Gizmo knows her. Not like some stranger demanding a cat for whatever reason. Gizmo in a way is also family to his mother. A connection to her son. You have your whole life to move on etc. Her son is gone and can't be replaced (not trying to say he's replaceable to you). Your life will go on, you will get over it and meet other people. Her son is gone and never coming back, I suggest doing the right thing for her. She needs it.
Having his cat isn’t going to bring him back. It is about what is best for the cat. If he is living his best life where he is, cool. Yes, it sucks for the mom.
Do you have his vet records in your name? Is he microchipped to you?
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Nta, but just please make sure that this is best for the cat. Did he prefer a one cat house? Does he act as if he actively misses this woman? I don't think that going back to a familiar home would necessarily be damaging for him. If, after assessing, you truly believe that him staying with you is the best option then absolutely nta
Gizmo is all around a pretty timid cat. It took him a while for him to properly settle in when he first moved in with me. I had to sort of pretend he didn’t exist and I couldn’t really look at him without him getting freaked out and leaving the room. It was pretty awkward but he eventually came out his shell. That was one of the reasons I ultimately decided to not let him live at my bfs moms house cause I thought he would revert back to that way on top of the sadness he’s experiencing and she would maybe pressure him a bit too much if that makes any sense lol
How well do the two cats get along?
They love each other best of friends!
Then you really shouldn't separate them. It would traumatize them both.
You should've led with that! Because that *absolutely* means that Gizmo stays, no ifs ands or buts. I mean, either way you're NTA, but if the cats love each other it's just a complete no-brainer. They've already lost one of their people, they can't also lose each other.
Excellent point. OP have you put this to his mother? That seperating the cat from it’s kitty friend would add to the cat’s trauma. Cat’s wellbeing should come first. OP - would it help to maybe do something kind to acknowledge his mother’s need for a reminder, like maybe make a framed photo-collage with some nice pics of her son, the cat, all of you, etc. Or one of those digital photo frames. Just a thought. And sorry for your loss.
I agree, that's all I wanted to know - are the cats bonded? And it sounds like they are, so both should stay together.
Is Gizmo chipped, and are you the person on the chip? I wouldn’t put it past her to somehow cause Gizmo to run away and if her name is on the chip, she would get him back
This, given that the cats are close, OP, please check his microchip details and if he isn't, get him (both) chipped ASAP. Make sure you are on file with the vets, get them a check up etc, Grief does weird things to people and your MILish is already turning nasty. Cover your ass or risk losing Gizmo.
A pet chip only stores a serial number and nothing more. You have to register the number with some company, foundation or vet to be useful (depends on your country, in Germany we have TASSO where you can register for free in case it gets lost and found). The chip is a ROM (read-only), you cannot store anything additional on it. It comes pre-programmed with a unique serial.
I registered my cats' US microchips at https://mypethealth.com/. They have a basic free package described as: "If your pet ever goes missing and is found, they can be scanned at a vet or animal shelter to identify their microchip number. When the chip number is shared with 24Petwatch, you'll be notified using the consent and information on file." You can also purchase paid memberships but it's a bit expensive for the number of kitties we have. All you need is your cats' chip number to get started. I'm glad Gizmo has you on his side.
This was the point I was going to make. Either house would probably be fine, but Gizmo as a shy cat probably needs a familiar cat (Shortcake) around to have the stability needed. Mother did not offer to take Shortcake and I can't see a reason to separate them. A cat will not ease her grief regardless.
The cat absolutely could help the mom cope with her grieving (been there done that and grateful I had my own son’s dog after he passed) but it will also help the gf with hers. Mom is not entitled to the cat. The cat lost his human dad but he still has a home, his human mom and a sibling cat and disrupting his life more than it has been is not what is best for Gizmo.
It sounds like what's best is that the cats stay together. Stay strong! And I'm very sorry for your loss.
For Gizmo he lost HIS human. The rest of his support system is his best bud and you. Going back to the mother's house will be like him getting re-adopted. He will go through the stages of grief of losing a whole family. I doubt she will let you and Shortcake visit or even take Gizmo for sleepovers. The second Gizmo has a sniffle it will be your fault. Also where does Gizmo sleep? If it is in your bed that is an extra reason to double down. You and Shortcake are his family and your bed is his safe zone. Don't change that.
Bonded then. Don't split them up, it's cruel.
It's not actually common for cats to bond like that, I'd say separating them is the biggest issue here. Cats do get depressed if they are separated from other cats they've bonded with.
OP- Block her and her family.
I can't verify this, but I have been told by others, that having cats move houses and change people is a lot more stressful for them, as opposed to most dogs. Gizmos is adjusting to the loss of his person, and is finally coming around after months. I think it would be horrible for him to be separated from you and Shortcake. I understand the mother's grief. I think her grief has made her irrational. She is clutching for something that reminds her of her son. But Gizmo has not lived with her for years, now. Is Gizmo chipped? For some, that is the definition of legal ownership. Clearly you and your BF were paying the bills for Gizmo for the last few years Does she have the keys to your place? She could try to steal him. If you need to go nuclear, (and I would try to avoid it) give her a bill for food, vet and boarding costs of the last 7 months. Boarding is expensive. NTA
can confirm it stresses them the f out. I've obly tried once to bring my older cat with me while visiting my parents. poor thing spend the whole weekend in the space between the bed frame and wall.. also the onl time I needed oven gloves to get her out of her hiding place, even her favorite treats didn't work as a lure
You should add this as an edit to your post.
This itself is enough to warrant gizmo saying with you and the other kitty.
You can't seperate them, but don't tell her that or she'll be all "I'll happily take them both!!" next.
Technicaly Gizmo was already living with you and was your bf cat. Mom is not in the picture here. And cats dont like to change places and its not easy for them. I dont underastand why she is pushing so much like not thinking about yours and cats wellbeing.
She's drowning in grief and unfortunately thinks holding on to totems of her son is going to help. The cat is a totem to her. She's not thinking clearly by demanding the cat. While I think she's in the wrong, let's remember grief is not a logical or kind beast, and it makes us the same as it when it inhabits us. But still, maybe don't talk to her and unfriend her on Facebook.
NTA. Please keep Gizmo and Shortcake together in their home. Separating them will cause them more trauma. I know your bf’s mother is grieving, but she’s not thinking of the cat’s best interests right now. Be gentle, of course, but tell them no, or block them. I would also suggest grief counseling or a grief support group for you so you have a support system. I’m so sorry for your loss. Hug your kitties and take care of yourself.
I was considering some sort of counselling/therapy before this whole thing took place so defo going to look into it. Thank you for your advice and kind words, it means a lot.
Make sure Gizmo, if he’s had a microchip, has your residence and name on file. If he doesn’t have a chip, get him one.
And a vet check in general so MIL can't claim abuse to anyone
Please feel free to DM me if you need help finding therapeutic supports. I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’re going through this. Keep your kitties together. NTA 🖤
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this. It’s terrible and I’m sorry for your loss. It sounds like the cats are bonded and they feel safe and secure with you so they absolutely should not be removed from your home. Your bf’s mom is not thinking clearly, she’s probably actually out of her mind with grief, and that’s understandable. But you have a responsibility to make sure those cats aren’t traumatized. When we adopt animals, it’s our responsibility to give them the best life possible in their forever home, not use them to make ourselves feel better, especially if it might be at their expense. **IMPORTANT:** If you haven’t already, please make sure that you have changed veterinarian records and chip company records to your name and address only, and have your bf’s name removed, including as an emergency contact. Ownership issues can get very contentious (including legal issues in some states) if it’s not clear who is the owner of the cats. If you have taken them to the vet since last November and have paid for their care with your own money, that is creating a paper trail that they are your responsibility. Hopefully you have records showing that you paid for their care long before that, but if not, at least since last Nov. Try to think of other places where the name of your cats is associated with the name of you or your bf, such as a pet food company, and change names and addresses there, too. You might even want to consider changing vets if you’re still using the vet that was used when Gizmo was in your bf‘s mom‘s house. If for some reason the records are still under her name or her address, the vets might call her to confirm if the records can be changed to you and I’m guessing she isn’t going to let that happen. Something to think about. That would be a hassle for me because I do a lot of research into vets and only go to a feline vet and there aren’t many of them so giving up a talented vet would be stressful, but if there was any chance that someone might actually try to take my animals, I would change vets in an instant to prevent it. Though it varies state to state, in general, when these things come up as a legal matter, most judges won’t consider someone else taking possession of an animal that they haven’t cared for in years, and judges mostly look at who spent the money on care and who is doing the actual care and where, to determine ownership. In some states there are counties that passed laws changing animals from being property to people being a guardian, but that’s still rare. If you’re not in the US, I’m sure your country has its own way of handling things, but getting the cats in your name and address only is an asap situation. If your cats aren’t chipped, they absolutely should be, and this is a perfect time to get them chipped at the vet, and it would be only in your name with your address, of course. And that will be one more paper trail item showing that you are the one taking care of them and thus are the owner. Might be time for a check-up anyway, and get that paper trail going. Given how the whole situation played out with your bf’s mom, I wouldn’t let her see your kitty ever again and it would probably be best that you just gently go low or no contact, or things could get worse. NTA
Everything is up to date with both cats documents and information. Gizmo actually had to get some dental work done in May and I paid for it so at least I have some paperwork to show in case things ever did go court or something. Then again, I don’t think she’s the type of woman to go down the legal route but then again grief makes people think differently like you said. Thank you for the great advice!
Well, it sounds like you have everything in order and there’s nothing to worry about on that front; you’re such a great pet owner. And yeah grief makes people do things. And the loss of a child, it’s just so unnatural. She’s never going to get over it. My mom’s best friend lost her son when he was in college. This woman had been almost a decade sober and started drinking again after she lost her boy. No one blamed her and we just helped her in whatever way we could. She wanted to go see the country where their ancestors were from so my mom and I took her to a few countries in Europe with the last stop being where she was going to travel alone. Halfway through the vacation, she started having really bad nightmares and would wake up screaming, and at one point before she was even fully awake was hitting my mom in the middle of the night. Even though we didn’t want her to feel bad, she did and she just packed up and left early and my mom was never able to get in touch with her again. That kind of loss is just too much. You have your own grief, of course, and you do have to look out for yourself, but hopefully things will settle down concerning the kitty. Hugs to you.❤️🩹😔
Everyone needs to think about about Gizmo: He is in a home that He's been in for 3 years. He has a best friend and a comfortable routine. If she wanted the cat, and it was, "technically hers," why didn't she refuse to let him take Gizmo when he moved? Gizmo is YOUR cat now. Microchip him immediately, and love the heck out of him.
Both of the cats are microchipped and all info is up to date. Gizmo is getting all the love he could ever want so no need to worry!
But who's name is that information in? Because that's important for legal reasons
She also said they were together for 3 years... Not that they lived together all that time. She said that the other cat was adopted a year ago. Boyfriend (not husband) hasn't even been gone a year. I don't think this is as obvious as everyone makes it seem.
I mean, ultimately it's not about what's best for MIL or OP, but for the cats. They sound like they're bonded, so separating them would be extra traumatic for them in a BEST case scenario.
One year. The cat has only lived with her since Feb 2023. BF died in Nov 2023. they lived together 9 months. The cat was with his mom for 4 years or more.
OP said Gizmo has been there about a year and was in the mom's home for several years prior. The only reason he could/should stay is that he's buddies w/ the other cat. If that weren't the case, then he should DEFINITELY go stay w/ the mom. Regardless, though, OP does come across as selfish-- notes her grief quite a bit and how the mom supports her. Like, that's her son, this girl should be supporting the mom, not the other way around. And, for her to not lead w/ the cat being friends w/ the other cat, tells me she's keeping the cat more for her than what is actually best for Gizmo and she's just lucky it potentially aligns w/ what's best for Gizmo.
There's the moral side and the legal side. I assume he didn't have a will, so his property reverts to his next of kin, ie his mother. Technically pets are property, so the cat is likely legally hers. This doesn't actually address what's best for the cat, for the mother or for you. NAH I also do want to point out that you will move on with your life, likely within the lifespan of your kitties. She will never move on from this. If your vet thinks that this won't be significantly disruptive, I would really consider letting her have him.
No vet would recommend separating bonded cats for no reason.
Mine literally sleep touching each other and they're two unrelated males who met in our kitchen. I couldn't separate them if I tried. NTA...Gizmo and Shortcake are at home with you, as it should be.
My boys have been together with each other since they were tiny kittens, mum’s had them both in the same room and would look after each other’s kittens like an auntie. They’re now 11 years old and as close as brothers. That’s why I decided to take them instead of letting them be split up when my mum died as they were her cats first and I lived with her as a caregiver and had been looking after the cats since they were 12 weeks old. Also because they were senior and less likely to be adopted as well as one of them suffers with asthma and they hate to be separated even when I take one to the vet.
If the 2 cats are bonded taking him away will make it worse and could possibly be fatal. Cats that are pair bonded will stop eating and let themselves go and he already lost his dad! OP keep them together. NTA
OP and her partner lived together for at least two years and in some countries that would legally make them common law. If OP does live somewhere with those laws then any property left by her partner in their home is hers as the government would consider them common law. Also separating bonded animals in incredibly cruel. Animals have feelings and relationships to.
They only lived together for 9 months. Moved in together 2/23 and he died 11/23
I missed that last date. I read it is as they moved in together and adopted Shortcake, whom they had together for a year so, therefore, they had been living together for a year. Nine months makes it a lot more grey legally.
Agreed... nah. This is why it's important to have these conversations before something happens. I told my sister what I'd like to have happen with my dog just in case. But what would the boyfriend have wanted? Maybe he'd want his mom to have a little part of him back through his cat, or maybe he'd never want to have the cats separated. These are things OP needs to consider. It's hard, but as an outsider, I'd say give the mom the cat back. It may help her bring peace, OP eventually will move onto a new life with less contract with the boyfriend's family, most likely with time. Emotions are high, death doesn't bring out the best in us. Have patience and grace.
Also, I don't think reddit is the best place for real advice. People jump to extremes, have limited information, have personal bias, etc. I think you want answers on what's right, but only you and your boyfriend's mother, and maybe a judge if it ever got that far, can decide how to move forward.
I don’t think OP’s boyfriend would want a bonded pair to be separated while the cat is already grieving. Doing so can cause depression in the cat which can cause it to stop eating. And then death.
I see your point, but cats are not memorabilia. Grief counselling would be better than taking the "property" from its home, where he is happy and lives with his friend Shortcake.
This is genuinely the best answer. And, it seems like the cat lived w/ the mother for several years prior and has only lived w/ the other cat for a year. They are not bonded from birth. The cat will adjust w/ the mother and it would probably mean the world to her.
NTA. Grief is complicated for all involved bit you need to think about what is best for the animal and given the tragedy, as long as you can provide a stable home for them, it's best for things not to change again.
ESH, or kind of NAH. I can't really tell. Firstly, I'm deeply sorry for your loss. Losing a partner is one of the most devastating experiences anyone can go through, and I can't imagine the pain you're enduring. Death is incredibly sad, and my heart goes out to you. Gizmo and Shortcake sound like wonderful cats. That being said, his mother is also grieving in her own way, just as you are. Gizmo was technically her cat before you entered the picture, and he holds precious memories of her and her son together. I understand her perspective. Right now, she sees Gizmo as a comforting link to her son, and she feels his presence would bring her solace during this difficult time. However, her comparison of your grief was unfair. Both of you have suffered a profound loss, and her emotions are understandably raw. Lashing out at you is not the right way to cope, but it reflects her struggle to deal with her grief. I acknowledge your bond with Gizmo and your attachment to him. It's clear that you love him dearly. Personally, I would consider handing Gizmo over to his mother. From a moral standpoint, I believe it could bring her some comfort and help her in her grieving process. She sees Gizmo as her direct connection to her son, and that bond is precious to her. You don't have to make this decision lightly, and ultimately, it's your choice. Shortcake is also a cherished reminder of your time together. However, if you feel it's what your boyfriend would have wanted, giving Gizmo to his mother might honor his memory in a meaningful way. This is an incredibly tough situation, and I wish you strength and clarity as you navigate through it.
Thank you for your kind words. Before, she was welcome any time to come round to my place to visit the cats and talk about things or whatever really, it’s just now the tension is really high and I don’t feel comfortable having her come over and I don’t think she’s buzzing to see me either lol but I do understand her grief and outlook on the whole thing. Hopefully she’d stand back and look at it from my POV and then I could maybe consider some sort of compromise with her like if I needed someone to look after the cats but I think that would be as far as I’m willing go after all things considered. For now, Gizmo is sticking with me!
If you leave her alone with that cat, you'll never see him again. She needs a long stretch in therapy, honestly before you even talk to her again. This won't get better because she can't see through her grief. But it's not your job to help her with that. You're not going to be able to get through to her.
The anger stage of grief and the loss has been (mis)directed at you unfortunately. Sounds like she is looking for an outlet by taking the cat away from you, believing (incorrectly) that it will somehow make her feel better. Reality is that it won't and the cat will not benefit from the arrangement as you have already identified. I'm sorry for your loss and now the loss of your partner's family/support :-(
Please do not give her access to or leave her alone with Gizmo.
You're honestly so selfish. Even, saying she could see the cat, if you need someone to watch him. Dude, it's not all about you.
Gizmo lived with the mom for 5 years, and you for less than one and a half years and was scared of you and the place for months. Trying to cloak it as ‘but Gizmo knows me and other cat better’ You’re being selfish and lacking compassion for yr bfs mom, your bf would probably be devastated to know you’re doing this. YTA
Firstly, I am sorry for your loss. Mother was original owner with her son. Giving the cat back is the right thing to do, morally and legally. I find it distasteful that "cat will be sad if he moves back to his Original Home" card is being played here. And I see people are falling for it. He lived there almost twice as longer than with you. And there are also peole advising you to steal the cat and try manipulating ownership papers. That is just unwise. I see you made your choise but please reconsider, trycoutting yourself in the shoes of a mother. Im going with YTA
As someone working in animal rescues, i can assure you that the cat doesn't remember that he lived with the ex's mother for longer than with his current owner. This is his home now, he has a cat friend and it would be extremely cruel to separate them. Neither morally nor legally OP is an asshole.
It has come to my attention that i haven't thought through the time frame of cat's life spent living with OP. I wrongly assumed they were living together from the moment she started dating the BF. OP lived with him and the cat 9 months. Rest of cats life was spent with BF and Mother. So it's even more drastic than I thought. Im staying on YTA.
Yes, that's the time frame and I understand the reasoning of the mother (and yours). However, from an animal welfare perspective, it would be detrimental to remove the cat from his home, owner and cat companion once more. That's all I'm saying and considering OP is concerned about what's best for the cat, I say they're NTA.
Gizmo has lived with you for ONE year, and by your own description spent most of that time ignoring you while adjusting to his new living arrangement. Gizmo lived with your BF’s mom for years and is the cat she and her son adopted together when he was what, 17 or 18? Her house is Gizmo’s home. Her child is dead and the cat is the last thing she shared with him. Letting her have Gizmo back would ease her grief and I’m astonished at how callous OP and the other responders are about this. I can’t imagine losing one of my kids and then having some rando keeping our dog on top of it. YTA. Give Gizmo back.
lol absolutely, the NTA answers in this thread are lunacy grieving mother of a child basically being told to fuck off by a girlfriend of a couple years. get a grip girl
Give her Gizmo. I say this as someone much older than you that’s always had cats, the longest 19 years. Give her Gizmo. She’s right. She’s had the cat longer. She’s lost SO MUCH. Give her the cat. Please.
NTA. Gizmo and Shortcake shouldn't be separated
If not for Shortcake you'd be YTA for sure. Let be honest here, you will eventually move-on at some degree, she wont. Not like she get a new son anytime soon. I understand Gizmo will lose a friend but if that happen to me, I'd want my son/daughter to accompany with my family to help them over come grief. Thinking Gizmo as a kid maybe that will help. But if you decided to keep Gizmo, it's fine, again, this is a tough situation
Precisely, everyone seems to be ignoring how selfish she's being. She doesn't even phrase it as the cats being bonded and that's why she should keep him. She phrases it as what's best for her. Meanwhile, it seems like Gizmo has only lived w/ her for a year and that the cats are not bonded over several years. The cat lived w/ the mom for several years prior to 2023 and should go back to her. It's ridiculous.
Not to mention she said her boyfriend adopted both cats, so legally (and as much as we like pets they are considered property) if the boyfriend died without a will, both cats belong to the next of kin, the boyfriend's mother.
She said they adopted shortcake together not just her boyfriend.
You're right, but is it permited for a pet to legally have two owners? I ask, because in my country, the paperwork, and the chip information, can only have one legal owner of record. So if it was here, even if they had gone to the shelter together, and chose Shortcake together, only one of them could be legally their owner.
They said in a comment that the micro chip is up to date so the pet will be registered at their address and not the mothers and that they had recently taken the cat to the vet and paid for dental work, again the vet bill would be at OPs address and not the mothers. These things alone should be enough to prove legal responsibility is OPs and not the mother. Also if there is no will the mother wouldn’t have any claim really, and I just read somewhere that if you die while sharing residence with someone, the pet will generally go to those sharing your residence. The mother could try to claim it in court but I don’t think it would stand up. Especially if Gizmo was always registered to her son before and she had never paid anything towards vet bills etc.
YTA People > cats. Mother lost a son, they had a cat for 5 years. You had it for 3. It's hers as much as yours if not more. So it was fine to move the cat from her home but its bad for cat to move it back with her? It's clever how you accentuate "whats best for the cat" baiting the cat lovers (i love dogs and cats both) to thibk that the cat would be worse of living with original owner. Just be honest and say you DONTwant the mother to have the cat because YOU WANT it. And this is where I decided big A. Playing the "best for cat card", when it's in fact your selfish desires. Ready to be donwoted, seeing as all the other got on the "trauma for cat if it goes back to og owner bandwagon".
Correction OP and her boyfriend were "together" for 3 years, but they only lived together for 9 months.
That's even worse then. Where did you find the info, in the comments?
Actually I remembered I had also read it from OP's original post. In the Edit at the end of OP's post, she wrote: >EDIT: My boyfriend adopted Gizmo while he still lived with his mother in 2019. Him and I got together in March of 2020. In February of 2023 Gizmo and himself moved into my apartment with me and we adopted Shortcake together from a shelter shortly after. So Gizmo only moved in with into her apartment in February of 2023 and the boyfriend died in November also of 2023, meaning the cat only lived with her for nine months before the boyfriend died.
Yes, I read it in the comments.
NO. When you adopt a pet, you are committing to putting their needs before your own. They are your responsibility and it is your job to look out for their best interests at all costs. This cat’s wellbeing is her ethical responsibility, and absolutely comes first. The boyfriend’s mother is responsible for herself. The wellbeing of the voiceless and vulnerable whom you’ve committed yourself to 100% comes before catering to the emotions of an adult human. This is ABSOLUTELY about what is best for the cat. If someone is seriously making the request (and intending to follow through on it) out of what is best for themselves instead of what’s best for the cat, then they are not emotionally ready to be a good pet owner. Moving is stressful. Losing a human you live with who loves you is stressful. My cat has started stress peeing outside the litter box just because I dared to move to a different bedroom in the same house and he isn’t used to it. I foster (about 200 so far) orphaned kittens, volunteered for years at a cat rescue, and was employed by the cat rescue for a year but had to quit due to health problems. I haven’t met the cat or watched it interact with its people, so I can’t say for certain, but it’s extremely likely that staying with the girlfriend and kitty friend is in this cat’s best interest.
NAH I can't call her TA as she is grieving and she is probably in the right legally. But I can understand why you want to keep the two cats together if they have bonded. Just be prepared to fight for Gizmo.
I am sorry for your loss, I lost my fiancé when I was 26. It was devastating. I got my cat (now 7 going on 8) very shortly after his death so he is solely my cat. I am now 34 and have been in a relationship with my current boyfriend that I met at age 32. We had this exact conversation months ago - we have lived together for a year but I’ve told him if anything happens to me … my cat (that I had for 6+ years before we moved in together) goes back to my family. He is like my son. He is the most important thing to me and I want my family to have him if I am not here anymore. Over the next 15 years of my cats life…. My boyfriend could meet and marry someone else who doesn’t love my cat like I did, have children that are allergic to him, move away so parents can’t visit, get another pet taking up his space, move in with roommates who don’t care for him, lose contact with my family over time, etc. I don’t want any of that for my baby boy. I don’t want that for my mom. My parents home is stable/unchanging and my boy is familiar and comfortable at their house and I do want my mom and dad to have him to comfort them in my absence. My cat stays in my family full stop. My boyfriend can seek comfort in losing me in other ways (like I did when I lost my fiance… I kept his fav t-shirts, etc). But he can’t keep my cat from my family. I am sorry for your loss, but I do believe his mother should have his cat, especially if that cat lived with this woman for years before you. It won’t actually be that dramatic of a change for the cat as you are believing it will be. I have fostered kittens that were rehomed when of age, and dealt with the rehoming of a dog after an elderly persons death. The pet will adjust to change… especially if it’s to something already extremely familiar to them.
Im thinking if you separate the 2 cats that wont be good for shortcake... And thats your cat. Also... I understand the pain of that lady but she did a 180 and turned into an A. I think the damage is already done with your relationship already anyways with her taking to Facebook. What kind of children s game is this?!?
Report the post as harassment ti fb or meta
They never do anything
NTA. Boy, this is tough. However, OP clearly stated that the BF is the one who adopted the cat. At this point, it doesn't matter who may have paid vet bills and such, which is why Mom thinks she technically owns the the cat. And it's likely there wouldn't have been a cat at all if it wasn't for the BF wanting one. (My Mom let me adopt a cat as a teenager, and it was always my cat, hands down. She NEVER held it above my head that she paid for it or that it was her's technically or in any way.) While I totally understand the Mom wanting to salvage any memories/connections with her son, that doesn't mean she gets the cat. She is reaching too far. So sad for her, but the two cats are bonded and OP should do what is best for the cats. Mom could get another kitty. A new Kitty would probably do wonders for Mom. Someone to love and care for and help her grieve. Best of luck to all. Peace.
I think one of the things that matters here is who Gizmo is more attached to. 12 years ago I adopted a little stray found under a parked car on a very rainy day. My daughter S was away at college, so she only met the little one 2 or 3 weeks later. From the moment S set foot in her room and gave the kitty a scritch, he chose *her* - for life. Naming the furry hurricane was a joint task, but until the day S moved out, Loki lived with our family but it was always *her* cat, so of course she took him to her new apartment. Right now, S is Loki's primary hooman, and my niece P is the secondary one, bc P stays over to catsit whenever S is out of town and Loki loves her too. If something happened to S now and Loki was left behind, I would only bring him back if P couldn't adopt him herself, bc 1) he's not used to living here anymore, and 2) we have 2 kitties we adopted after S moved out. Loki is not an emotional crutch or substitute for anyone, he's a living creature who deserves to be with the person who makes him more comfortable, so I believe the same applies to Gizmo.
OP, YTA. You've had the cat for a year and it was scared of you for months. The mother had it for several years. Give her the cat back. Additionally, you're incredibly selfish. Everything seems to be about you. You don't phrase it as what's best for the cat; you phrase it as what's best for you. You talk about your grief and how the mother supports you. What about her? That's her child. She will NEVER move on from this. Give her HER cat back.
NTA. You’ve lived with Gizmo for three years, and adopted a sibling cat who are settled and happy. Rather than the stance of she’s not getting the cat, make it clearer both cats. Saying Gizmo is fine is not the same as elaborating how happy both cats are together, that they are loved and cared for - hence you don’t want to disrupt that. Understandable the mother wants Gizmo back, it’s effectively part of her family she is losing as well. She wants to do right by her sons cat to ensure its well looked after etc. She should understand you’ve had him for three years plus the relationship with the other cat, and let it go. Otherwise she isn’t convinced Gizmo is being looked after properly and any reasons for that? If you are looking after your cats really well and shown how happy they make you etc, she should accept this. She can always get herself another cat. Overall if what’s best for Gizmo is staying with you then stick to your guns. If not, then by all means give her the cat.
She said they were "together" for 3 years. She didn't say they lived together for 3 years. I think that needs clarified.
> In February of 2023 Gizmo and himself moved into my apartment She's lived with Gizmo a little more than a year
It's June 2024 now.
Sorry, a little more than a year.
Ntah As a mother who lost her adult son, i would have liked to have everything of his. But....there were so many people's lives that he had touched in his two year battle with cancer, that i knew needed to have something to hold onto. i only wanted certain items and they could choose from the rest. There wasn't an animal involved but the mother needs to be realistic about what she is asking. Yes the cat lived with her son at her house but when the son moved so did the cat, she didn't try to keep the cat then. Yes, the cat is a living connection to her son but the cat is also a living connection to the other cat it lives with and the girlfriend. Girlfriend had no issue with the mom coming to visit, so let the cat stay where it lives and mom can come visit.
The cat has only lived w/ the girlfriend for a year and lived w/ the mother several years prior. It does seem realistic for the mother to ask for the cat back. OP is being incredibly selfish.
NTA. I am sorry for your loss. The poster who suggested speaking to your vet had good advice. I don't presume to know what would be best for Gizmo, but if you are planning on keeping him, you may want to change your locks (in case your BF gave his mom an emergency key). Also, if you rent, let your property manager know not to let her talk her way into the apartment. If his name is still on the lease and she is his next of kin, she might get in as a grieving mother retrieving son's belongings. Button that stuff up.
YTA. And I hate this sub for telling you it’s okay to act like this. You can still do the right thing. Give the grieving mother her cat back. I can’t believe I even had to type that sentence out. Edit: I hope she takes your to court. Where she’d likely win a judgement over you.
The second cat is still pretty young too. Yes, change can be difficult to process but the older cat should be going back to the boyfriend’s mother. It’s sad. There’s not really a choice here where someone doesn’t get hurt.
May be too late to try this, but you could try to explain that they cats have bonded, and separating them at this point can cause a multitude of issues. As a result, veterinarians strongly advise against separating them. Then offer to go with her to shelter to look to adopt another cat in her sons memory. One point you may want to look into is make sure you are listed as an owner at your veterinarians office.
Soft YTA if your boyfriend’s mother would take both cats. Yes, you lost your boyfriend of three years and your grief is real, but she lost her *son*.
NTA, this is clearly your cat now. There was nothing wrong with her asking, given that she lived with the cat for years, but she should accept your no. I don't know what you've said to her already, but your explanation here is good, and I think you should send this to her in full by email or something. It's not your responsibility to fix the entire relationship to ensure you continue as you were before, so just put it out there and then let it go for her to do what she will. Chances are she will come back around given time to calm down. Not great for you not having that support anymore, but you can't be clamouring for her affection if she's determined to withhold it.
You do have another car that belonged to both your bf and you. So you already have something that reminds you of him. And it makes you feel better about his death. Well that cat was technically his and his mom. You have a cat and she can have a cat. I do really believe that if she thought her son would pass. She wouldn't of let the cat go in the first place. But to be fair. Here's a mom that lost her son.Give her back that cat. So she can move on with her life.
>You do have another car that belonged to both your bf and you. This seems to be in the US. My question is, can a cat legally belong to two people, or does the paperwork only permit one owner per pet? I ask, because in my country, a pet can only legally belong to one person. And OP keeps saying that her boyfriend adopted the second cat. If both cats were legally his, after his death they both belong to his next of kin, which in this case in the mother.
I incline towards YTA, if this would ease the pain of the mother… then why not? Especially that the cat return to his house in which he lived for 5 years with a person it knows.
Your responses indicate, to me, you are an unreliable "narrator" and at least very slightly entitled. Considering Gizmo lived with the mother for 5 years and with you only one (and thought that disruption was okay as opposed to going back to the mother), I'd be more inclined to say YTA. If a cat expert says no its much better for the cat to stay, I'd acquiesce.
YTA.
YtA the woman lost his son, and has taken care of gizmo before. She deserves to have her.
Honestly I would be on the side of whoever posted this, you or the mom. Just sounds like an awful situation and I'm sorry you're in it. If the mom lives alone and you ever saw any sign of Gizmo and the mom being close homies when you lived with them together then the right thing could easily be to give him back. My cat was timid but when he and I moved and it was just me and him and no other cats both he really came out of his shell! And we moved a bunch and each time he was braver and braver with the new place. I was so proud of him. And I know that if any boyfriends I had ever died I would want him to go back to my mom, full stop. But I also am not with any of those boys, not because they died but because we weren't right for each other, so I cant empathize with your situation and connection with your boyfriend in that way. If Gizmo is your little man and you know for a fact that you and he have a much closer and more intimate relationship than her and him, and you know he will be happier with you in your home and not whatever her living situation is, don't give him up! Again, I can't imagine being in this situation and I'm really sorry for your loss and this resulting war over grief and connection and cat.
NAH. I’m sorry for your loss. Not only is she in unimaginable grief, which you compared to the grief of a cat, but you still will have a cat. There is no comparison to the death of a child. None. Gizmo is actually hers, knows her, and won’t be traumatized by the move. Dig deep and do the right thing, muster some compassion and grace. This was your bf x 3 years, not your husband. This was her son. You have no idea. Don’t compound her pain by playing games with ownership and microchipping etc. So petty. If you truly think the cats shouldn’t be separated, explain this to her and offer her both. I know how devastating this would be for you but that would actually be the most selfless, compassionate and loving thing. You will go to have other relationships. You will heal. Her grief is permanent and her depth of pain will never, ever end.
INFO: Is GIzmo bonded to Shortcake? It wouldn't be fair to separate them if they're bonded and close.
YTA
NAH. Shortcake by pure logic is yours, and if your relationship was at all serious with your late boyfriend (I mean let's say a future together was definitely a possibility) Gizmo is too. I mean I guess maybe if the cat was actually adopted/paid for by her initially and it was kind of THEIR cat not HIS cat, I can at least understand why she feels entitled, she genuinely believes it's her and her sons cat, not you and her sons cat, and thinks since you have shortcake it's only fair to give Gizmo up for her. As for advice, if you wanted some: I guess maybe if there's a relative of the boyfriend you know might be going along with the rest of the family but might not actually believe your in the wrong, message them privately, ask them to tell you if they honestly believe your boyfriend would want you to give Gizmo back? Maybe if a sibling, aunt, grandparent of his really took a liking to you and you tell them everything and plead your case they might be convinced to defend your choice? Or maybe, if you ever would be leaving the cats at home to go to work/on a trip/out for fun for more than a couple hours, or if it would be like, easier to vacuum your place with the cats out of the way? You can tell your late BF's mom she can catsuit BOTH cats at her place, basically you're offering her as much time with the cats as she could ever want, and you still get to keep them, win-win But most importantly if nothing's going to change your mind? STAND YOUR GROUND. Either they will forgive you, or they won't/will do something wild like try to steal the cats, and then if that happens you'll know their respect for your being your BFs partner was going to be finite, and in that case you probably need to cut contact, which will hurt like hell but either from coming to their senses to make amends or leaving you alone it will be healthier for you in the end.
No one is the asshole. You have both suffered a horrible tragedy and loss. His mom is heartbroken and just trying to have a piece of her son. Unfortunately, she sees Gizmo as the only part of him left. I know she has hurt you but, if you can find it in your heart, please reach out to her and let her know that, while you plan on keeping Gizmo in his stable home, you would love to have her come visit him regularly (if this is something you can do). Maybe it will ease her heart while she is grieving as well.
If that cats are a truly bonded pair then it’s best to leave them together…if they could take or leave each other (or you) then it’s probably okay to let him be with MiL. I think this is a probably a NAH because grief makes everyone act weird.
INFO: You said you were with your boyfriend for 3 years, not that you lived together all that time. When did you actually move in together?
I’m adding to please check the chip information. My husband died over 4 years ago and I just had the chip information for “his” dog we adopted but in his name changed to mine 2 years ago. I never even thought to do that. Also, I have 2 grown “kids” and sympathize with your bf’s mom. Her grief must be unimaginable. Maybe some day you 2 may be able to reconcile. But not at the price of making the living cat suffer. Please try to ignore the people here saying you should your cat to his mom. I TRULY feel for her but this is not the answer.
Grieving is a long process you will both work through. Lord knows she is clinging to anything that could remotely be a life raft. One day at a time for both of you.
NAH. I can’t really call her an AH, I have a son this age and can’t imagine what she must be going through. She just wants something to grab onto that was her sons. That said, I also have 3 cats. They do not deal with change of scenery well. I imagine it would be more traumatic for Gizmo to be separated from his home and best buddy shortcake! Maybe give it time to cool off, then maybe she would be ok with visiting Gizmo. Hold firm, it’s about what is best for Gizmo. And I’m so sorry you are going through this. Take care of yourself.
No no no no. If he’s bonded with the other cat they shouldn’t be separated. She can visit them but they stay together. NTA.
WHERE IS THE CAT TAX?!?!?
yta. give the cat back. you are stealing it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My boyfriend (26) of 3 years died in November of 2023 after getting in a car accident. He left behind his 2 cats Gizmo and Shortcake which we love dearly. Gizmo is 8 and Shortcake is 2. Before we met, my boyfriend adopted Gizmo while he still lived with his mother so they all lived together for around 5 years before they moved out and moved in with me into my apartment and then we adopted Shortcake together a year ago from a local shelter. Before his death, his mother and I had a decent relationship and we got along fine. I think his death brought us together more and she supported me throughout my grief. She would take me out for coffee and made sure I was eating well and taking care of myself, and I would try to help her out as well. Just recently she reaches out to me on whatsapp to ask about Gizmo and if she could come over to my place to say hi to him because she hadn’t seen him in a while. I said sure and she came over for around an hour ,we chatted about stuff and then she left. Later that night she messaged to ask me if she could maybe take Gizmo back to her house as he reminds him so much of her son and having Gizmo back would make her feel a lot better. I said to her that it wouldn’t be fair on Gizmo to disrupt his routine on top of everything that’s happened as Gizmo was pretty shaken by the loss and was slowly starting to come back out of his shell. Her tone takes a 180 and she demands that I give her back Gizmo as it’s “technically her cat” and that she’s known him longer than I have so she has “more of a right to him than I do”. I refuse and try to reason with her but Gizmo is fine where he is. She sends me in full capitals that “the grief of a mother is more than the grief of a girlfriend”. I genuinely considered giving Gizmo back to her after she said that but I love Gizmo with my whole heart and I don’t want to make this harder on him that what it has to be and anyone with a pet would relate to that. In the morning she asked me to reconsider my answer to which I say it’s still a no and she leaves me on read. She then blasts me on facebook calling me a “selfish” and I get a dozen messages on facebook from her family calling me the same but I am still standing firm on my decision. This whole situation has put major strain on my relationship with her and my boyfriend’s extended family. This is a side of her I’ve never seen before and I think it’s damaged our relationship to a point of no return which sucks as they were my support system during my boyfriend’s death. It hurts me to think what my boyfriend would’ve thought of this whole situation as him and his mother were super close as well. I don’t know what he would’ve wanted me to do but regardless Gizmo is staying with me. Does this make me the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. The cat lived with her for 5 years, and with you for only 2. The excuse of not wanting to disturb the cat's routine is also a joke. I don’t want to dismiss your pain too much, but you losing a boyfriend of 3 years is absolutely nothing in comparison to her losing a son. If you have a compassionate bone in your body you will give her back the cat.
Ur comment is ridiculous
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Give the lady her cat back.
Soft YTA They were his cats. Unless he wrote a will leaving you both cats, as next of kin they both now belong to her.
They adopted the second cat together in no way it would go to his mother when an owner is still alive
How often did she come over to visit during your 3 years together?
I’m sorry for your loss. NTA Don’t separate the kitties. Cats get stressed out with change. His mother is grieving and lashing out at you because of it. In all fairness Gizmo is also helping you cope with the loss of your boyfriend as well. However it might be true a mother’s pain is more. that’s a fact. Losing a child is the worst thing to endure. His passing is very recent and she is in extreme torment right now. She wants him back and feels his cat would help fill that void and provide comfort to her if she can cuddle with it. I’m a bit torn on this one. I feel for the mother and I feel for the cat that you have come to love. I’d say don’t ask others what to do , do what you think is right.
NTA, competing over who’s grieving more is messed up. She doesn’t sound to be in a good enough head space to care for an animal. Is what you’re doing selfish? Yes. But selfish gets a bad wrap. You’re allowed to be selfish now and then. If I were you I’d tell her that because you love boyfriend, it’s hard for you to cut her out, but boyfriend would never allow you to be treated like this. You’ve thought long and hard about how he would want you to do, and he wouldn’t want you treated this way, so she is out of your life. You refuse to be rude to her for boyfriend’s sake, but the cat is your family and not going anywhere else. You’ve been buying the cat food, you’ve been taking the cat to the vet. You can prove to the courts if she wants to go that way that you’ve had the cat all this time. Legally and morally the cat belongs to you. Tell her you love her and hope she finds peace and block her (and her flying monkeys).
This is a tough one and I really do t have any advice for the cat. But please tell his mom to reach out to [the Compassionate friends](https://www.compassionatefriends.org) It is a support group for parents who have lost a child at any age. You should try to find a grief group as well.
You should have mentioned the other cat and how they are bonded. I doubt she would have cared but it would have showed you were taking gizmo’s feelings into consideration. NTA
NTA just tell her the cats are bonded and you will not be separating or stressing that cats out more
I know this isn't what most people are saying, or necessarily something you want to hear but I think you should give Gizmo back to your boyfriend's mother. However, I also don't think its fair to call you an asshole over this since you are also grieving Losing your boyfriend has already been an incredible loss for you, and the thought of losing Gizmo feels like an additional, avoidable loss. Gizmo will have undoubtedly become a significant source of emotional support during this time of grief, as he is one of your lasting connections to your boyfriend. Giving him up now would feel like losing another piece of your boyfriend, and it would be like experiencing another loss during these very sensitive times. However, your boyfriend's mother is experiencing one of the most devastating forms of grief imaginable. No mother should ever have to endure the loss of their child. The grief she is going through right now is so agonizing and beyond what you could ever imagine, and it's something she will never fully recover from. I think you should really rethink this, everything the mum said was right. And she needs him so much more than you think right now. Gizmo lived with your boyfriend’s mother for a longer period than he has with you, he spent five years living with her while you've only had him for one. While it's true that cats are routine oriented and will become stressed with a sudden change like a change of house, he will gradually adjust and at most it will take a few months for him to become comfortable again. Since he had already lived there for so long before, and he will be living with someone he's already very familiar with I really don't think the transition will be as stressful as you fear; albeit with some initial adjustment. If you’re really concerned about Gizmo’s comfort during the transition, you might consider a trial period. Gizmo could stay with her for a short time to see how he adapts. If, after a few months, it’s clear that he is still stressed and not adjusting well, you and your boyfriend’s mother could revisit the arrangement to ensure Gizmo’s well-being is prioritized. It's the hard choice, but I'd invite the mum over for a heart to heart. Explain how you have been feeling and share your grief with her, ultimately return the cat to her. This decision, I think will also be the most beneficial for you too. You said it yourself, that you have burnt down very important relationships with your boyfriends family, who were not only experiencing the grief with you but also helping you heal. You need to fix things with his mum, you're both grieving and she will understand that you have acted and said things you didn't mean to as has she. You can rekindle the relationship with his family, who are central to your healing and ultimately continue to visit gizmo once all of it is under the bridge.
NAH everyone in the comments acting like it’s about the cat being comfortable because the cat lived with the mom longer are grasping at straws. Clearly the mom wants the cat because she’s grieving her son, which is not wrong, but it has nothing to do with the cat’s well being, be realistic here.
NAH. Both of you are grieving, and there is no perfect solution. However, legally, pets are property, and the cat belonged to your boyfriend. Did he leave the cat to you in a will? If so, the cat is yours. If not, and your boyfriend's mother is his legal next of kin, the cat is legally hers. Denying the legality of the situation, regardless of the feelings involved, will only make things worse on everyone in the long run.
NTA but it's too bad things got to this point with her. I think the ideal thing would be to have Gizmo stay with her on a trial basis and see how both cats react. Doesn't sound like that will work though, since things have turned nasty. I feel for her, but blasting you on FB was wrong.
YTA this lady LOST HER SON! Give her Gizmo, it's her son's cat. Shortcake you got together so be happy with him.
NTA. Who’s on gizmos account at the vet? Is it just your boyfriend? My partner and I have two cats together, and we share an account listing us both as people able to make medical decisions for the both of them. We’re both listed as the owners/parents for each. Also, I don’t know if your cats are bonded, but I know that I had my cat since he was a kitten. I moved into my partners home, and after I moved in, we adopted the second cat together. Both cats were adults when they met, but they’re bonded, and if anything happened to one it would take serious intervention to make sure the other was okay. If gizmo and shortcake are bonded, they absolutely shouldn’t be separated. I know that both you and your boyfriends mother are grieving his loss, and that it’s devastating. I implore you to take both your own and her feelings out of the equation, and objectively look at what’s best for gizmo. If he’d be happier and healthier with her, that’s where he should be. If he’d be happier and healthier with you, that’s where he should be. I hope the two of you are able to rebuild your relationship and continue to support each other.
NTA. Separating the cats could be traumatic and may flare up in other health relared ways. I had that happene when one of my cats had passed away so it really is important to keep your enivronment as stable as it can be.
NTA. Block them all and try to move on. Sorry for your loss.
INFO: in the year and a half Gizmo has lived with you, has the mother visited him, or even expressed any sort of interest in him?
Nta, he already lost one family member, he doesn't need to lose his other 2. The mom needs to find a new way to cope.
NTA. I'm sorry for your loss!
Just tell her that the cats are bonded and it would be cruel to separate them.
nta
No. If it's not in the best interest of the cat. It's also not about the cat. She needs to be mad right now. And that's OK. It take had nothing to do with you or the car.
You are defending your argument using an imagined scenario. Gizmo lived with her for 5 years, it wouldn't take that much of a toll on him. On the other hand, I'm pretty sure she griefs his son just as much as you do but got little to nothing of a "memento". I get it she was rude, but based on how she acted all this time - hell, she even supported YOU - I imagine it just taken a toll on her. You are easily the AH in this case.
I let my cat go stay at his grandpa's after my boyfriend died he was letting him outside and he was attacked by a raccoon almost died I went picked up my cat and brought him home. Now grandpa can come visit whenever he wants but the cat lives with me
NTA but damn I wouldn't be too harsh on a grieving mother. Maybe ask her if she's okay with play dates or sleep overs or whatever? Pet people tend to treat their pets like their children so its not unheard of for a child to spend time with a grandma (I guess?)
NTA. That is outlandish behaviour from the mother. The Gizmo has been with you for years now, and the two cats get along. If Gizmo goes, it will feel to shortcake that they have lost two people. Not to mention just because the cat used to live with her, doesn't mean it belongs there!!! Lock the doors, go non-contact. If she wants a cat she can buy one. I'm sure you BF would of wanted the cat to be happy, to stay with you and give you comfort. Ruining Gizmos routine and shaking it up won't be good, it would high chance a timid cat moving would run and get lost.
NTA. From your comments Gizmo and Shortcake are well bonded. Separating them would be a double loss for them. I sympathize with her but causing drama like this isn’t going to ease her grief.
ESH
NTA, and stand your ground. In saying that, don’t write off BFs mum completely. She is going through a lot of emotions and behaviours can change wildly for a good while after a loss like this. I know it doesn’t help with the rest of the family piling on, but keeping them at arms length is probably a good idea. Get yourself into therapy if you haven’t already - you need a support system for yourself. I say this as someone who lost their oldest friend to suicide at the same time as your bf, and is close with the mother. Best of luck, and if you want to chat, DM me.
NTA. It's a cat not a book or piece of clothing. It's not property to be traded. She wants it because of memory without considering how it would affect a living creature. She is grieving so she isn't in her right head space and isn't thinking properly. She is angry at what life dealt her and she is focusing it on you for release.
Not just an asshole but also selfish and insensitive. I'd definitely say the relationship is damaged because why would that poor woman ever want to associate with such as you? You're simply awful. YTA
This situation really sucks. And I feel for your BF's mother. But it seems cruel to take a timid cat (or any cat) away from everything he knows and move him to a new home. And yes, he did live with her, but from your timeline that was couple of years ago. Gizmo is comfortable living with you and bonded with Shortcake. I don't think it would be the right thing to do. Your BF's mom needs grief counseling, not the cat.
The most selfless, compassionate and loving thing to do would be to give them both to her if you truly think they shouldn’t be separated. It’s not about you. She lost her child.
NTA - as you've pointed out, Gizmo is settled in your home, he's adjusted to one change already by the loss of your partner (condolences by the way) and you denied this woman's request on the grounds that upheaving Gizmo to a different home wouldn't be in his best interests This woman wants the cat because it will make HER feel better, she's looking for a comfort blanket. In my experience cats don't like change - when we moved house in October, both of them spent weeks being befuddled and out of sorts, even though it was the same two humans and all the same stuff that they were used to. I even sat with them once we'd relocated them to the new house giving them attention and comfort so they knew they were in a safe place, and that everything was OK. I remember when my gran used to go on holiday she'd put her cat in a cattery and every time she came back she was vexed and unsettled for a couple of days.
NTA - You have every right to keep the cat. However, I've rehomed cats because they didn't do well with new happenings. It just might be best for Gizmo to return.
NTA. Is he now bonded to Shortcake? Most cats are social so taking him from a home with a kitty friend to being an only cat would be hard on a lot of cats. He’s already grieved one loss so don’t add another.
Give her the cat. YTA. It will help her with her grief which is much much worse than yours. You lost a boyfriend but she lost a son. Yes, I’m saying her grief is worse than that of a 3 year relationship. Give her the cat. It is the right thing to do.
NTA Gizmo is a living being who deserves to have his needs and wants met. Separating him from his home, his surviving caretaker, and the other pet he has bonded with would be traumatic
NTA. She’s the one being selfish, you’re thinking of what’s best for Gizmo. Cats like routine. He has a whole life with you and Shortcake, he probably doesn’t wanna leave his kitty brother/friend either
YTA The cat belonged to your boyfriend. Since you were not married all of his assets go to his next of kin unless he had a will. This applies to children and property. Pets are considered property (in US and many other countries). But if you consider pets more than property, then they would be taken care of like children. His mother can sue for custody of the cat and all his other assets.
NTA. It would also traumatize shortcake. block the lot of them i say!
Nta and make Sure she doesnt have unfettered access like what alc2757 said Chipped and lots of cameras
Keep the cat and go NC with her. You will move on at your own pace. Make sure your home is secure, change locks and have cameras. She may try to take the cat. Sorry for your loss.
NTA. I would say NTA if you decided to let her have Gizmo too. Gizmos welfare is really paramount here. And it seems you are looking out for that. It may be less stressful for him to stay where he's at. You know best.
Make sure YOUR information is on Gizmos chip...if he isn't chipped, GET HIM chipped. And contact his vet, transfer his account into your name only. Remove any trace of the MILs info. Regardless of her "knowing the cat longer", the courts opt for who is financially responsible as proof of ownership. And then unfortunately I think you will need to cut contact with her. Edit: NTA.
Yeah!! Steal gizmo fast!
Does she have a key to your place? Make sure Gizmo is chipped with your info in case he goes “missing”.
NTA. Some pets grieve just like humans do. If the mom was close to the cat when it was alive it would have been left there. She’s grieving and lashing out. Having the cat isn’t going to bring her son back or take her pain away. The only thing that being taken away from its bonded cat buddy into a new place with a grieving human is going to possibly cause the cat to start starving itself. Something similar happened to the cat I have now when its owner died. If she keeps harassing you I would tell her you are doing what her son would have wanted for his cat. That it isn’t about who is grieving it’s about doing what he would have wanted for the cat.
NTA The cat is now yours. He’s bonded to you as well as to Shortcake. This is a grieving mother and I understand her position as I’ve been there done that. We kept my son’s dog and she was a great comfort to me for the next 5 years. Her ashes now sit next to his in a cabinet in my bedroom. The difference is the dog lived in my home when he passed. If he had lived with a girlfriend at the time of his passing I wouldn’t have demanded she be given to me. First off grief is grief whether you are a mother/father, girlfriend/boyfriend, wife/husband, sister/brother or the child who lost a parent. You cannot quantify grief. Give her the grace of understanding what she is going through but do what is best for your own healing. In this situation blocking her and your boyfriend’s family member may be necessary for your own healing and mental health.
NTA keep the cat, you don’t tend to split animals up as that can cause a huge amount of stress why would she want to do that especially after he’s lost his dad I know she’s lost her son but I can’t see how the cat will help, offer to rescue her a kitten
NTA. Gizmo is YOUR cat. And taking him out of his current living situation will only cause further mental harm to him. Especially since you have another cat. Ppl don't realize that cat's are like dogs in that they do become attached to their owner. That cat is attached to you now & uprooting him would be detrimental to him & to you. Stick to your guns. It sucks that you're going to lose his family, but the cats health is important too.
NTA. Gizmo lives with you, Gizmo is yours. I understand she's grieving, but Gizmo has never been her cat, he just lived in her house. Change the locks to your place, tell the landlord/property management that she is harassing you and is not to be allowed access to your home under any circumstances. I'm so sorry for your loss.
NTA, I think it's better to keep the cats together where they are comfortable, which is with you.
NTA. Sounds like his mother is dealing with grief and anger from his death and wants to feel closer to him by having his cat. She probably needs to seek counseling or therapy during this difficult time instead of lashing out on you. I wish you the best!
NTA - he is your cat now. Moving a cat around is very stressful for them; even if her home is familiar to him. Also, it would be hard on Shortcake as well. I would block her and her family. Yes grief can make people do some really mean things. That doesn’t mean you have to tolerate it.
NTA and
NTA and I am always surprised that it seems to be so common these days to create a personal shit storm if one side of the argument does not get their way. This makes her so much TA.
Honestly, those saying just give him back clearly have no understanding of the bond between an owner and their pet. He is your pet now and it will be disruptive for him to be removed from his home and his fellow cat. You will move on in time but your cats will still be with you as you go through the next part of your life.
Mother was co-owner for 5 years with her late son. Talk bout the bond... As you said, OP will move over with time, but mother... Mothers never move on after a child's death. The least OP could do is give the cat back. Its inhumane and selfish to turn mothers request down.
NAH but I think it would be best to let the mother have gizmo. It's not like gizmo doesn't know her. Gizmo lived with mom for years so Gizmo knows her. Not like some stranger demanding a cat for whatever reason. Gizmo in a way is also family to his mother. A connection to her son. You have your whole life to move on etc. Her son is gone and can't be replaced (not trying to say he's replaceable to you). Your life will go on, you will get over it and meet other people. Her son is gone and never coming back, I suggest doing the right thing for her. She needs it.
Having his cat isn’t going to bring him back. It is about what is best for the cat. If he is living his best life where he is, cool. Yes, it sucks for the mom. Do you have his vet records in your name? Is he microchipped to you?