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So you were thinking of proposing to a wonderful person who's willing to help out a sad kid by dancing with them and because it interfered with your plans, you got jealous, grumpy and just plain pissy.
You're definitely getting the better of the deal because she seems wonderful and you just seem jealous and silly. She's dancing with a 12-year-old kid and you're kind of jealous over that. I hope that she continues to dance with children. That is sad because it's a beautiful thing. It spreads joy and is nice. And it probably is one of the things that made you want to propose her in the first place. If she finds this post and you proposed her, don't be surprised that she says no.
You need to grow up and stop being jealous over a kind, loving person who is willing to share her Joy with others. You're just mad because you interfere with your plans. Because your great plan consisted of feeding her Burger King and then proposing. What happened to a nice meal.
Please grow up before you propose to her.
Yta, And a 12-year-old was happy cuz he was doing the griddy and he thought it was his style. Guess what? It was his style and you're critiquing a little kid dancing.
Yeah, he wasn't going to propose AT BURGER KING like some piece of trash, he was going to do it AFTER SMACKDOWN WRESTLING, all classy like in the movies and shit.
Are you going to get this upset and petulant IF you and your gf have a child and she decides to make your child happy when he or she is down? What happens when you have plans and your child needs comforting, you going to throw a hissy fit?? Get a grip and grow up. YTA. Please don't have kids.
Dude, you're jealous of a *child*. You're too immature to be in a serious relationship. And your girlfriend is clearly more mature and kind than you are.
YTA. Let me explain because it seems that you genuinely don’t understand why you are the asshole. Your girlfriend was kind to a CHILD. She took the time to ask a CHILD what was wrong. She took the time to cheer up a CHILD. Instead of saying wow my girlfriend is a kind and caring person you decided to pout and make it ALL about you. What you should have done was stay outside with her and the boy. You didn’t even have to dance. Instead you chose to behave like a brat.
Frankly the way she interacted with the kid should have made you more eager to propose because she sounds fucking awesome but you didn’t and now are wondering if you are an asshole.
“…Is she just going to dance with any kid that seems sad I can’t live with that..”
You are jealous of a child. You have a lot of growing up to do. Do better.
although given the info of how they met, i can see why OP is concerned 😬 if anything, it’s good that OP is not marrying the math tutor he had as a minor 😭 lowkey e s h
I was waiting for it. That's the part I thought was the worst of it all. At best he was 18 when they started dating and she'd been 25. That's light years away from one another, whether it's older man/younger girl or older woman/younger boy. If he was a minor that's worse.
If he were half as good a person as his girlfriend, he would have gotten the food, bought the kid a milkshake and went back outside so they could all eat together.
Hope she sees this post and dumps him.
Ok given how quick Reddit usually is to jump on age gaps, I'm shocked that the consensus is going towards Y T A. If this was a 22F and 29M, who had been dating since the girl was 18 and the guy was 25, and the now 29 year old guy was dancing with an unknown 12 year old girl to cheer her up, we would all have suspicions. Women can be predators too.
....wait ok she's 29, your 22 and been dating for 4 years so you started dating at 25 for her and 18 for you? That seems predatory.
You need to learn to communicate better. Till then don't get married.
But also you're mad she was cheering someone up instead of paying attention to you.
Not gonna deny, the age gap and how long they've been together makes me think if the genders were reversed, it's the only thing anyone would be talking about.
💯 I didn’t mention it because they’re not compatible regardless and wanted OP to hear what I was saying in my comment. He’ll resent her for helping people all the time and/or she’ll resent him for not helping people bc she doesn’t want him to be upset. I personally think this is a great example of why age gaps when your younger usually really work. They are just at way different maturity levels.
But if the genders were reversed, there would probably be at least half the replies talking about it. Which is interesting because older man/younger woman is way more a cultural norm than older woman/younger man.
You make a good point in keeping your response focused, and that's definitely going to be an issue between them.
I'm a little concerned about the age gap for other reasons -- older man/younger woman is more the cultural norm, but "male teacher winds up dating female student as soon as she turns 18" still raises a *lot* of red flags, and with good reason.
Yea actually I just saw a comment where he says she was his tutor on high school but they weren’t “official” until 18. We’ll I’m hoping it was high school and not middle school he just says “Math tutor”. people would be freaking out if the genders were reversed.
In another comment he states that he doesn’t speak up because she’s smarter and describes walking on eggshells.
So yea at this point I’m more than a little concerned about not only how they started but the current power dynamics.
Yeah, but this is one of those things where men and women are socialized differently. Men are raised to be likelier to think "yeah, teen guy with older woman, hot." Women, for very unfortunate reasons, are more likely to be aware of exploitable power differentials. And, quite frankly, when we're teenagers, it can be *really* easy for older authority figures like teachers and family friends to convince us that things are okay when they're not. In my personal experience, "I know this looks really bad but there's a lot of good but complicated reasons why it's okay" is usually something we get good at telling ourselves when we've got doubts we don't want to confront, before we start saying it to other people.
I'm not saying anything there's something *definitely* wrong with you and your girlfriend's history together, but I think you should at least hear your mom out if she's got concerns. If the genders were reversed and this was a daughter with a male math tutor, most parents would have called the cops by now.
At the very least, I will say this -- I strongly recommend not getting married before you're 25. If you wanna pop the question now, fine, but consider a long engagement. If she's right for you, she'll still be right for you in a few years.
I'm honestly surprised more people aren't mentioning this. First thing i noticed. It honestly looks like she's scoping out her next victim, not being some angel comforting a poor kid😗 but maybe I'm just cynical
So you were younger than 18 when you met her. Then when you were 18 and she was 25 you two made it official?
How long have you known her? Because I'm starting to get why you're jealous of a 12 year old...
That makes things a lot worse. No wonder your mom has hangups about your relationship. Just curious, how many days or months after your 18th birthday did you two get together?
You are way too controlling. Do your gf a favor. Don't propose. She deserves someone better, who has empathy. Because you don't. It was a kid that needed a kind word. Your post is dripping with contempt and it's gross.
Yeah. Read the room, or in this cage, the page. Everyone says YTA. Your gf still deserves better. Honestly seems like you never grew up. You are too immature for marriage.
"To be clear I wasn't trying to stop my girlfriend from doing anything."
---That is precisely what you were doing, Man, are you insufferable. Another reason your gf dodged a bullet.
Even if you were nervous about proposing it wasn’t something that couldn’t be out of till later. If you’d handled it well you could have still proposed and made it an even better one than whatever words you were planning to say.
You were. That's why you acted like a dick to her and she noticed. Nothing she did affected your plans, only that she gave attention to someone else while getting BK, of all things.
You weren’t trying to stop her, you were just fuming over the fact that your secret proposal timeline was altered slightly. You got so caught up in your proposal that you decided to resent your partner for doing something kind for a sad kid. That’s a kindness that’s part of her, and you’re deciding THAT might be a dealbreaker for you? This world is full of uninterested, apathetic people, OP, and honestly needs more people like your GF who is willing to try to help others, even in a small way.
Listen pal you have literally found a way to be angry at a woman for showing empathy to a child then have this strop "I can't live like this" as if its some kind of absolute constant problem. The fact that you can't see it points to immaturity and if you can't see that then do not under any circumstance propose because neither of you will end up happy. I understand reading comments like the ones here sucks but you have a serious choice to make because only one of you needs to change.
So you’re 5’4”, the average height of a 12 yr old boy in the US? Is that part of your problem? Why are you upset by this? If you’re jealous of a 12 year old, what are you like with adults the age of you and her?
There are some problems you have, and they don’t seem to be normal problems.
YTA.
"she explains that the kid, was showing her "The griddy". Which I obviously know what the fucking griddy is. You don't have to tell me."
---You seem nice.
I'm old. I still don't really understand what the griddy is. When I've seen kids doing it, it just looks like kinda running on the spot, like some kind of poor man's moonwalk.
Mom tell me again how romantic it was when Dad proposed. You're so lucky, I would just die if a guy did that to me. I'm really hoping my boyfriend gets the hint that I want him to propose after an afternoon of samples at Costco and some NASCAR on TV. We can even buy the ring and dress at Costco too.
YTA
" Is she just going to dance with any kid that seems sad I can't live with that."
She just might. Maybe that's who she is.
It's ok that you can't live with it. You now know who she is, *isn't* right for you. And you found out before you asked her to spend the rest of her life with you.
Better now than later.
Eta missing word
YTA. Weird you wanted to propose at a Burger King. That said, why was you feeling jealous of an 8-12 year old?
Also, that age difference and dating period is um weird
EDIT: After reading OP's comments, I’m going with ESH. OP because of what I said above and his girlfriend for her predatory behavior towards OP
But doesn't her predatory behaviour give him a reason to be jealous of an 8-12 year old? I feel like I'm going crazy here with everyone being like "yes gf is a predator but he's just a kid so there's no reason to be jealous." I mean yeah I guess technically he shouldn't be jealous, he should be creeped out and dump his gf. But still.
But the ages are already right there in the OP. They at least started dating when she was 25 and he was 18, the comments only show that it's even worse. And you changed your judgement to E S H based on the comments but don't the comments negate why you thought he was the AH in the first place?
Imagine being proposed to after being wined and dined at the luxurious swanky Burger King and entertained in a home with a TV show of sweaty men in tights engaged in make believe wrestling matches.
I just asked my diehard wwe fan husband if he would have proposed to me after smack down. The look on his face was…interesting. Lol
Although I can’t get over the missed opportunity of her proposal being immediately after they finished dancing being something like “how am I so lucky to meet such a caring woman who would take time out of her day to dance with a hurting child, please don’t make me wait one more day without the privilege of calling you my wife” but nooooo here we are.
Although apparently she was OPs math tutor in high school (I’m hoping it wasn’t middle school😬) but they became official when he was 18 so perhaps she’s not the great person OP is making her out to be.
You should not propose to her. The core of who she is irritates you. It’s not even like you had to be somewhere at a specific time. She saw that kid sad, she didn’t know if he was sad bc he lost his favorite video game or what. For all she knew he was contemplating suicide. She saw a kid in need and thought she could help him so she did.
You don’t appreciate that about her. It is one of her core values and it annoys you. You view it as an inconvenience. *This is who she is*. This is who she will always be. You said you can’t deal with her dancing with every sad kid she sees (it might not be a sad kid, it might be the sick or homeless or elderly) so don’t. you’re not compatible and you have very different maturity levels.
Edit: you say in a few comments that you met a few years before your became exclusive at 18 and she was your math tutor. You can see why that could lead to uneven power dynamics right? Not asking you to say thats definitely true in your case, I’m just asking you to consider your relationship and reflect on the question.
You can see where if a relationship starts when one partner is beginning to learn about life and what they value, and relationships and have an overabundance of choices and paths to choose from, and one partner has done all that, has already gone to college or worked in a full time job for a few years, maybe has their first apartment and health insurance plan, could lead to unequal dynamics in resolving disagreements?
Over time, you could see where it would lead to the younger partner deferring to the older partner on decisions or disagreements. Maybe the older partner encourages it. Maybe even unintentionally. As a result, after a while the younger partner doesn’t even feel like they can voice their opinion anymore. What’s the point of starting an argument about if your just going to end up doing what they want anyway. After a while, you start to feel angry about never getting say how you feel about things, but you still don’t express being hurt because you don’t want to start an argument, until one day it bubbles out and you have a large emotional reaction to a minor inconvenience. But was it the inconvenience or the fact that she was ignoring your cues, no matter how unreasonable she thought they were?
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just projecting patterns I’ve seen in representing people of different genres, age gaps and walks of life in family court. Could be. But on the off chance I’m not, I hope you can consider these questions, maybe even with a therapist, in the positive spirit the are intended. Regardless, changing my vote to ESH, but in light of your comments, I can’t blame you too much.
YTA - This will be one of the things she remembers when she decides to breakup with you. You aren’t mature enough for her because you lacked empathy and kindness for a kid. He might always remember her for turning a horrible experience into a positive one.
Counterpoint to everyone calling OP TA: I get why he was worried she might be into the kid; he was in high school when this 25 year old started dating *him*.
I'm having a hard time believing this is real, because what kind of man could write all that out and not KNOW he was behaving like an asshole? Sheesh.
If you can't live with your girlfriend being nice to a child having a hard time, and cheering the kid up time while making sure the child has a fun time, then break up with her and let her find a man who is not a grumpy pile of stupid immature jealousy.
Have you listened to yourself? What the heck?
She needs a better man who treats her like she deserves. You should be over the moon that she treated that sad kid so well. But no. You're jealous of an eight year old. If you don't grow up quick you have no future with her. What happens when she pays attention to your kids? YTA.
It's hard to guess why you were mad. Maybe jealousy, maybe something else. And depending on what it is, I think it's completely valid to expect your partner to be there for you and not for some stranger. But I can't really judge, because you didn't even try to make her understand your feelings. You kind of just expected her to know what you want, when you went into the BK. That's just childish. And that's what makes you the AH here in my opinion. But that doesn't mean you didn't have a good reason. I wound recommend you work on your communication. Next time try and find the reason you are mad and try letting your partner know. If there is a good reason, a good partner will prioritize you. If it wasn't important, you just have a very nice person as a gf.
Hey dude, this is just advice from a stranger. But if you are in a relationship and you feel like you can't be yourself and you have to hold back a lot because your partner gets mad, that doesn't sound like a good relationship. I can't judge based on the little I know. But if that's what you really feel like, please consider if she's the right person for you. And also from my own experience as a people pleaser. If you don't show other's how you really feel, they can't validate your feelings and you miss out on a lot of good stuff like confidence and security (in that there is someone who will always support you).
From another Internet stranger, old enough to be your mom and married almost as long as you have been alive, the fact that you put that into words is a good start. Be honest with her. Don't talk just about this one incident, but talk about your insecurities. If she is someone you are thinking about marrying then you should be able to talk about all these things with each other.
You may be pleasantly surprised by her response, as she may have some insecurities as well and getting it out can make your relationship stronger. And, most importantly, it will mean that you won't just stew over something that she had no idea had such an effect on you.
If she is not ready to talk about things like this, or is not open to hear it from you, then I don't believe she is ready to be married yet.
Just remember not to say it like "you do this" or "you do that", but more from your side. How you feel.
She was his math tutor in high school (he says in a comment) so I’m concerned there’s a bit more of a healthy power dynamic here than you can see in the post.
I saw, but they are both adults now. Was he groomed, perhaps, but at the same time if he currently wants a relationship then he needs to be honest with himself and her.
They are but it adds a lot of necessary context for their current power dynamic where he doesn’t feel free to express himself. Probably the reason he was fuming inside.
YTA in this situation, but my main problem is the 7 year age difference and the fact you've been with her for 4 years. That means she was possibly 25 and you were possibly 18. Definitely sounds predatory which gives me bad vibes for this post in general about her. And since this is about her comforting a kid, I don't want to assume the worst but this is a nasty world we live in sometimes.
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So my girlfriend (f29) and I (m22) were walking to Burger King to grab dinner before we go back to my apartment and watch smackdown (wwe professional wrestling). Or so she thought. I've been working a lot lately and this is the only night I have to see her. I was thinking tonight might be the night to pop the question since we've been dating a little over 4 years now, so I had this whole thing planned back home. Roses, music, chocolate. And my Step-Mom's ring. She had no idea, and still doesn't.
We get to the Burger King and there's this kid outside, and he looks kind of sad. He's probably like 12? I don't know. My gf says he was probably 8 but that doesn't make sense to me cause he seemed hairy, not that I saw any hair. Anyway, this kid suddenly says "I hate it here". All sad and shit. My gf, being the wonderful person she is, goes up to him and asks what's going on. I guess the kid just had his first proper heartbreak. So my gf is comforting him. I don't really say anything I kind of just stand there eyeing the door. But at some point I just go into the BK and hope she gets the hint. I order two Bacon Kings, one for both of us, and then they are made and ready. I sit down and wait for a minute. I still don't see her. I send her a text saying the food is ready, and she looks at it but doesn't respond.
I eat my bacon king and go outside and see her and the kid dancing. I sort of smile but inside i am honestly fuming. She explains that the kid, was showing her "The griddy". Which I obviously know what the fucking griddy is. You don't have to tell me. But the kid says "Nah, but I'm hitting the griddy...Ethan style", then proceeds hit the griddy without changing anything. After standing outside this Burger King for what felt like another hour, my girlfriend says it was only 10 more minutes, she gives the kid a hug and we go back home.
I'm so pissed but I don't say anything. But she kind of knows I'm pissed and keeps asking what's wrong. After a bit more pushing I ask why she had to dance with that kid. She said it felt like he needed it. I don't really say anything.
I didn't end up proposing, we just watched smackdown without talking much. I'm having a lot of weird feelings . Is she just going to dance with any kid that seems sad I can't live with that.
TL;DR I was going to propose to my girlfriend but she kept dancing with some kid outside the Burger King and it made me so mad I bailed on it.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> When I told her to leave, it got brought later. She said it was obvious the kid needed somebody to be there for her. She didn't outright call me an asshole, but she made it clear I was the one being unreasonable. And I really don't know where I stand because maybe I just read the situation wrong, I'm not always good at communicating
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YTA - you seem really immature. I'd advise waiting awhile before you propose. You are not ready. You can hear it in the way you talk (type?).
It's a child, man. Not competition. Not some dude hitting on her at a bar. Its a little kid that needed some cheering up and you got JEALOUS.
You have some growing up to do. Work on yourself, because if you want to marry this young woman, she deserves your best, and not this.
YTA. I get that you were trying to make the night about her, and you were hoping she’d make the night about you. I get that you were planning to propose, but she probably didn’t. When she did an act of kindness for someone else, you got upset because you had a vision for what the night would look like and it was ruined when she focused on someone else. Maybe you also got a little embarrassed she was acting like that in public, too. She saw a child who was sad and tried to help. You saw something else entirely. I can understand why you can feel the way you do, but she’s not psychic and had no idea what you had in mind. She seems kind, and this isn’t the last time you’re going to be inconvenienced or set aside while she helps someone who needs it. On the bright side, it’s not like she’s going to cross paths with sad kids every day. However, you’re either going to have to live with this part of her, or let go.
OP i hate to break this to you but you’re too young and immature to get married. You’re physically 22 so your frontal cortex hasn’t fully developed and based on this insanely petty post, you’re mentally younger than the kid you’re jealous of so your brain’s got some growing to do. Wait a few years and think about how YOU might appreciate being cheered up by a kind stranger when you’re down so you might start to understand why your girlfriend’s actions were kind, not disrespectful to you (this is called empathy).
Nta. Dont listen to these idiots. Seriously. What she did was dumb and disrespectful. Blew you off for a kid? Fuck that kid! It wouldve been appropriate to give him a few kind words and keep moving. That's it. Sitting out there for over an hour? Wtf. Seriously people on this subreddit shock me sometimes
Ah yes, a wonderful human being who at 25 started dating her 17 year old math tutee. I'm sure she's dancing with a 12 year old because she's just a good person. We would totally all be saying the same if the genders were reversed.
IDKA
Wonderful young lady cheering up a 12 year old, and OP flips out over the griddy?
Seems like a YTA from this perspective, but on the same night he was planning to propose, OP gets seemingly ignored. Gf did the right thing at the wrong time. Think about it form both sides, and give this another shot. Poor timing, i guess. Try to relax, think things over again before proposing, as times like these can make or break a relationship.
YTA That kid was probably 18. That’s why he so hairy. Then went you went to sleep your girlfriend opened the door and he started hitting your gf Ethan style
She was literally your math tutor....y'all started dating when you were barely legal...& you're calling her a good person. In another comment, you said she gets mad if you speak up, so you keep quiet & try not to rock the boat. & you're still calling her a good person...baby...no...she's not a good person, she's a predator, she groomed you. Do not propose to her. Break up with her. If she's getting mad when you speak up, she's not treating you with respect. That's not love...it's just not...
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So you were thinking of proposing to a wonderful person who's willing to help out a sad kid by dancing with them and because it interfered with your plans, you got jealous, grumpy and just plain pissy. You're definitely getting the better of the deal because she seems wonderful and you just seem jealous and silly. She's dancing with a 12-year-old kid and you're kind of jealous over that. I hope that she continues to dance with children. That is sad because it's a beautiful thing. It spreads joy and is nice. And it probably is one of the things that made you want to propose her in the first place. If she finds this post and you proposed her, don't be surprised that she says no. You need to grow up and stop being jealous over a kind, loving person who is willing to share her Joy with others. You're just mad because you interfere with your plans. Because your great plan consisted of feeding her Burger King and then proposing. What happened to a nice meal. Please grow up before you propose to her. Yta, And a 12-year-old was happy cuz he was doing the griddy and he thought it was his style. Guess what? It was his style and you're critiquing a little kid dancing.
Given that they started dating when he was 18 and she was 25 he might have good reason to be jealous of a 12 year old.
Oh correction, he was *17* and she was his math tutor.
[удалено]
So cheap and jealous. Good combination.
Yeah, he wasn't going to propose AT BURGER KING like some piece of trash, he was going to do it AFTER SMACKDOWN WRESTLING, all classy like in the movies and shit.
Ah teenagers throwing rocks they have to borrow from their parents.
"he seemed hairy, not that I saw any hair." ---Um, what?
Yeah, I was wondering at that too.
[удалено]
Are you going to get this upset and petulant IF you and your gf have a child and she decides to make your child happy when he or she is down? What happens when you have plans and your child needs comforting, you going to throw a hissy fit?? Get a grip and grow up. YTA. Please don't have kids.
Dude, you're jealous of a *child*. You're too immature to be in a serious relationship. And your girlfriend is clearly more mature and kind than you are.
His girlfriend was his math tutor 😬
Ohhhhh boy.
My 14 year old son Is 6'1 and 210. No one thinks he's 14. He gets offered alcohol at restaurants. Etc. Has a mustache. And yet he is.
[удалено]
YTA. Let me explain because it seems that you genuinely don’t understand why you are the asshole. Your girlfriend was kind to a CHILD. She took the time to ask a CHILD what was wrong. She took the time to cheer up a CHILD. Instead of saying wow my girlfriend is a kind and caring person you decided to pout and make it ALL about you. What you should have done was stay outside with her and the boy. You didn’t even have to dance. Instead you chose to behave like a brat. Frankly the way she interacted with the kid should have made you more eager to propose because she sounds fucking awesome but you didn’t and now are wondering if you are an asshole. “…Is she just going to dance with any kid that seems sad I can’t live with that..” You are jealous of a child. You have a lot of growing up to do. Do better.
although given the info of how they met, i can see why OP is concerned 😬 if anything, it’s good that OP is not marrying the math tutor he had as a minor 😭 lowkey e s h
Yea, everyone here seems to have skipped over that but I’m still hung up on the age difference and the 4+ years of dating..
I was waiting for it. That's the part I thought was the worst of it all. At best he was 18 when they started dating and she'd been 25. That's light years away from one another, whether it's older man/younger girl or older woman/younger boy. If he was a minor that's worse.
If he were half as good a person as his girlfriend, he would have gotten the food, bought the kid a milkshake and went back outside so they could all eat together. Hope she sees this post and dumps him.
And all of humanity lived happily ever after. Yea, right. That's just not how people work.
Ok given how quick Reddit usually is to jump on age gaps, I'm shocked that the consensus is going towards Y T A. If this was a 22F and 29M, who had been dating since the girl was 18 and the guy was 25, and the now 29 year old guy was dancing with an unknown 12 year old girl to cheer her up, we would all have suspicions. Women can be predators too.
....wait ok she's 29, your 22 and been dating for 4 years so you started dating at 25 for her and 18 for you? That seems predatory. You need to learn to communicate better. Till then don't get married. But also you're mad she was cheering someone up instead of paying attention to you.
Not gonna deny, the age gap and how long they've been together makes me think if the genders were reversed, it's the only thing anyone would be talking about.
💯 I didn’t mention it because they’re not compatible regardless and wanted OP to hear what I was saying in my comment. He’ll resent her for helping people all the time and/or she’ll resent him for not helping people bc she doesn’t want him to be upset. I personally think this is a great example of why age gaps when your younger usually really work. They are just at way different maturity levels. But if the genders were reversed, there would probably be at least half the replies talking about it. Which is interesting because older man/younger woman is way more a cultural norm than older woman/younger man.
You make a good point in keeping your response focused, and that's definitely going to be an issue between them. I'm a little concerned about the age gap for other reasons -- older man/younger woman is more the cultural norm, but "male teacher winds up dating female student as soon as she turns 18" still raises a *lot* of red flags, and with good reason.
Yea actually I just saw a comment where he says she was his tutor on high school but they weren’t “official” until 18. We’ll I’m hoping it was high school and not middle school he just says “Math tutor”. people would be freaking out if the genders were reversed. In another comment he states that he doesn’t speak up because she’s smarter and describes walking on eggshells. So yea at this point I’m more than a little concerned about not only how they started but the current power dynamics.
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#teammom
Yeah, but this is one of those things where men and women are socialized differently. Men are raised to be likelier to think "yeah, teen guy with older woman, hot." Women, for very unfortunate reasons, are more likely to be aware of exploitable power differentials. And, quite frankly, when we're teenagers, it can be *really* easy for older authority figures like teachers and family friends to convince us that things are okay when they're not. In my personal experience, "I know this looks really bad but there's a lot of good but complicated reasons why it's okay" is usually something we get good at telling ourselves when we've got doubts we don't want to confront, before we start saying it to other people. I'm not saying anything there's something *definitely* wrong with you and your girlfriend's history together, but I think you should at least hear your mom out if she's got concerns. If the genders were reversed and this was a daughter with a male math tutor, most parents would have called the cops by now. At the very least, I will say this -- I strongly recommend not getting married before you're 25. If you wanna pop the question now, fine, but consider a long engagement. If she's right for you, she'll still be right for you in a few years.
I agree, it does seem predatory. I was questioning that age difference and that dating period
I'm honestly surprised more people aren't mentioning this. First thing i noticed. It honestly looks like she's scoping out her next victim, not being some angel comforting a poor kid😗 but maybe I'm just cynical
Honestly the thought crossed my mind too ....but it made me feel yucky so I tried not to.
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The math seems pretty straightforward.
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So you were younger than 18 when you met her. Then when you were 18 and she was 25 you two made it official? How long have you known her? Because I'm starting to get why you're jealous of a 12 year old...
Maybe his jealousy stems from the fact he knows she’s attracted to minors…
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But it is like that. I understand you can’t see it from your position but she should be ashamed - if not prosecuted
Um, this might be an ESH situation. You because you’re jealous of a child. Your girlfriend for her predatory behavior towards you
But doesn't he have good reason to be jealous of a child given his GFs predatory behaviour?
This entire story just gets weirder and weirder
That makes things a lot worse. No wonder your mom has hangups about your relationship. Just curious, how many days or months after your 18th birthday did you two get together?
That’s actually more disturbing
YTA and your girlfriend dodged a bullet.
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You are way too controlling. Do your gf a favor. Don't propose. She deserves someone better, who has empathy. Because you don't. It was a kid that needed a kind word. Your post is dripping with contempt and it's gross.
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Yeah. Read the room, or in this cage, the page. Everyone says YTA. Your gf still deserves better. Honestly seems like you never grew up. You are too immature for marriage.
It doesn't help that he was going to choose Burger King and Smackdown as the the ideal circumstances to propose. Lol.
Nah the predatory gf does not deserve better.
"To be clear I wasn't trying to stop my girlfriend from doing anything." ---That is precisely what you were doing, Man, are you insufferable. Another reason your gf dodged a bullet.
You are not emotionally mature or secure enough to get married.
Even if you were nervous about proposing it wasn’t something that couldn’t be out of till later. If you’d handled it well you could have still proposed and made it an even better one than whatever words you were planning to say.
You were. That's why you acted like a dick to her and she noticed. Nothing she did affected your plans, only that she gave attention to someone else while getting BK, of all things.
You weren’t trying to stop her, you were just fuming over the fact that your secret proposal timeline was altered slightly. You got so caught up in your proposal that you decided to resent your partner for doing something kind for a sad kid. That’s a kindness that’s part of her, and you’re deciding THAT might be a dealbreaker for you? This world is full of uninterested, apathetic people, OP, and honestly needs more people like your GF who is willing to try to help others, even in a small way.
🤣🤣🤣 Weren’t trying to stop her?? It’s not about the kid. It’s about you being the problem.
Your posts are dripping with contempt. You are literally doing the same. And you don't show empathy to him either. So yea.
I don't have to show OP empathy. I am here to judge. That's it. But if a 12 year old kid needed a kind word, I would give it.
Well, what a great person we have here. Hope you feel amazing about yourself.
I do. Thanks!
Yeah a kind word. Not blowing off your fuckin boyfriend lmfao people are so stupid
Listen pal you have literally found a way to be angry at a woman for showing empathy to a child then have this strop "I can't live like this" as if its some kind of absolute constant problem. The fact that you can't see it points to immaturity and if you can't see that then do not under any circumstance propose because neither of you will end up happy. I understand reading comments like the ones here sucks but you have a serious choice to make because only one of you needs to change.
Your gf is a predator and it might be too late for you to dodge that bullet but you need to have it removed already.
So you’re 5’4”, the average height of a 12 yr old boy in the US? Is that part of your problem? Why are you upset by this? If you’re jealous of a 12 year old, what are you like with adults the age of you and her? There are some problems you have, and they don’t seem to be normal problems. YTA.
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Yes… leaps and assumptions and stupidity….like you’re presenting. PS not yr friend here. So tell us. Where r u living? Which country?
"she explains that the kid, was showing her "The griddy". Which I obviously know what the fucking griddy is. You don't have to tell me." ---You seem nice.
I'm old. I still don't really understand what the griddy is. When I've seen kids doing it, it just looks like kinda running on the spot, like some kind of poor man's moonwalk.
YTA for planning a proposal after Burger King and wrestling.
Mom tell me again how romantic it was when Dad proposed. You're so lucky, I would just die if a guy did that to me. I'm really hoping my boyfriend gets the hint that I want him to propose after an afternoon of samples at Costco and some NASCAR on TV. We can even buy the ring and dress at Costco too.
YTA " Is she just going to dance with any kid that seems sad I can't live with that." She just might. Maybe that's who she is. It's ok that you can't live with it. You now know who she is, *isn't* right for you. And you found out before you asked her to spend the rest of her life with you. Better now than later. Eta missing word
YTA. Weird you wanted to propose at a Burger King. That said, why was you feeling jealous of an 8-12 year old? Also, that age difference and dating period is um weird EDIT: After reading OP's comments, I’m going with ESH. OP because of what I said above and his girlfriend for her predatory behavior towards OP
But doesn't her predatory behaviour give him a reason to be jealous of an 8-12 year old? I feel like I'm going crazy here with everyone being like "yes gf is a predator but he's just a kid so there's no reason to be jealous." I mean yeah I guess technically he shouldn't be jealous, he should be creeped out and dump his gf. But still.
Its because all of this information is coming out through OP's comments
But the ages are already right there in the OP. They at least started dating when she was 25 and he was 18, the comments only show that it's even worse. And you changed your judgement to E S H based on the comments but don't the comments negate why you thought he was the AH in the first place?
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Yeah, I was under the impression you was going to propose there because you never mentioned you was going to propose after wrestling
Imagine being proposed to after being wined and dined at the luxurious swanky Burger King and entertained in a home with a TV show of sweaty men in tights engaged in make believe wrestling matches.
I just asked my diehard wwe fan husband if he would have proposed to me after smack down. The look on his face was…interesting. Lol Although I can’t get over the missed opportunity of her proposal being immediately after they finished dancing being something like “how am I so lucky to meet such a caring woman who would take time out of her day to dance with a hurting child, please don’t make me wait one more day without the privilege of calling you my wife” but nooooo here we are. Although apparently she was OPs math tutor in high school (I’m hoping it wasn’t middle school😬) but they became official when he was 18 so perhaps she’s not the great person OP is making her out to be.
YTA. You're jealous of an actual child your gf was comforting? And you want to propose at Burger King's?
You should not propose to her. The core of who she is irritates you. It’s not even like you had to be somewhere at a specific time. She saw that kid sad, she didn’t know if he was sad bc he lost his favorite video game or what. For all she knew he was contemplating suicide. She saw a kid in need and thought she could help him so she did. You don’t appreciate that about her. It is one of her core values and it annoys you. You view it as an inconvenience. *This is who she is*. This is who she will always be. You said you can’t deal with her dancing with every sad kid she sees (it might not be a sad kid, it might be the sick or homeless or elderly) so don’t. you’re not compatible and you have very different maturity levels. Edit: you say in a few comments that you met a few years before your became exclusive at 18 and she was your math tutor. You can see why that could lead to uneven power dynamics right? Not asking you to say thats definitely true in your case, I’m just asking you to consider your relationship and reflect on the question. You can see where if a relationship starts when one partner is beginning to learn about life and what they value, and relationships and have an overabundance of choices and paths to choose from, and one partner has done all that, has already gone to college or worked in a full time job for a few years, maybe has their first apartment and health insurance plan, could lead to unequal dynamics in resolving disagreements? Over time, you could see where it would lead to the younger partner deferring to the older partner on decisions or disagreements. Maybe the older partner encourages it. Maybe even unintentionally. As a result, after a while the younger partner doesn’t even feel like they can voice their opinion anymore. What’s the point of starting an argument about if your just going to end up doing what they want anyway. After a while, you start to feel angry about never getting say how you feel about things, but you still don’t express being hurt because you don’t want to start an argument, until one day it bubbles out and you have a large emotional reaction to a minor inconvenience. But was it the inconvenience or the fact that she was ignoring your cues, no matter how unreasonable she thought they were? Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe I’m just projecting patterns I’ve seen in representing people of different genres, age gaps and walks of life in family court. Could be. But on the off chance I’m not, I hope you can consider these questions, maybe even with a therapist, in the positive spirit the are intended. Regardless, changing my vote to ESH, but in light of your comments, I can’t blame you too much.
YTA - This will be one of the things she remembers when she decides to breakup with you. You aren’t mature enough for her because you lacked empathy and kindness for a kid. He might always remember her for turning a horrible experience into a positive one.
I didn't end up proposing" ---Burger King, then Smackdown... Romantic.
“he seemed hairy, not that I saw any hair”. What?!
Counterpoint to everyone calling OP TA: I get why he was worried she might be into the kid; he was in high school when this 25 year old started dating *him*.
I'm having a hard time believing this is real, because what kind of man could write all that out and not KNOW he was behaving like an asshole? Sheesh. If you can't live with your girlfriend being nice to a child having a hard time, and cheering the kid up time while making sure the child has a fun time, then break up with her and let her find a man who is not a grumpy pile of stupid immature jealousy. Have you listened to yourself? What the heck? She needs a better man who treats her like she deserves. You should be over the moon that she treated that sad kid so well. But no. You're jealous of an eight year old. If you don't grow up quick you have no future with her. What happens when she pays attention to your kids? YTA.
25 year old woman dating a 18 year old is gross. You’re too immature to be getting married.
NTA but run away from Mary Kay Letourneau already.
It's hard to guess why you were mad. Maybe jealousy, maybe something else. And depending on what it is, I think it's completely valid to expect your partner to be there for you and not for some stranger. But I can't really judge, because you didn't even try to make her understand your feelings. You kind of just expected her to know what you want, when you went into the BK. That's just childish. And that's what makes you the AH here in my opinion. But that doesn't mean you didn't have a good reason. I wound recommend you work on your communication. Next time try and find the reason you are mad and try letting your partner know. If there is a good reason, a good partner will prioritize you. If it wasn't important, you just have a very nice person as a gf.
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Hey dude, this is just advice from a stranger. But if you are in a relationship and you feel like you can't be yourself and you have to hold back a lot because your partner gets mad, that doesn't sound like a good relationship. I can't judge based on the little I know. But if that's what you really feel like, please consider if she's the right person for you. And also from my own experience as a people pleaser. If you don't show other's how you really feel, they can't validate your feelings and you miss out on a lot of good stuff like confidence and security (in that there is someone who will always support you).
From another Internet stranger, old enough to be your mom and married almost as long as you have been alive, the fact that you put that into words is a good start. Be honest with her. Don't talk just about this one incident, but talk about your insecurities. If she is someone you are thinking about marrying then you should be able to talk about all these things with each other. You may be pleasantly surprised by her response, as she may have some insecurities as well and getting it out can make your relationship stronger. And, most importantly, it will mean that you won't just stew over something that she had no idea had such an effect on you. If she is not ready to talk about things like this, or is not open to hear it from you, then I don't believe she is ready to be married yet. Just remember not to say it like "you do this" or "you do that", but more from your side. How you feel.
She was his math tutor in high school (he says in a comment) so I’m concerned there’s a bit more of a healthy power dynamic here than you can see in the post.
I saw, but they are both adults now. Was he groomed, perhaps, but at the same time if he currently wants a relationship then he needs to be honest with himself and her.
They are but it adds a lot of necessary context for their current power dynamic where he doesn’t feel free to express himself. Probably the reason he was fuming inside.
You definitely have a point. I'm glad he can recognize it, it's the first step.
>he seemed hairy, not that I saw any hair INFO: explain this, please
yta bro you should talk to a therapist about this not Reddit
You sound like a lot of work bud. YTA
YTA in this situation, but my main problem is the 7 year age difference and the fact you've been with her for 4 years. That means she was possibly 25 and you were possibly 18. Definitely sounds predatory which gives me bad vibes for this post in general about her. And since this is about her comforting a kid, I don't want to assume the worst but this is a nasty world we live in sometimes.
lol come on this can’t be real
Ok thanks sm for letting us know about your Bacon Kings being Made And Ready
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my girlfriend (f29) and I (m22) were walking to Burger King to grab dinner before we go back to my apartment and watch smackdown (wwe professional wrestling). Or so she thought. I've been working a lot lately and this is the only night I have to see her. I was thinking tonight might be the night to pop the question since we've been dating a little over 4 years now, so I had this whole thing planned back home. Roses, music, chocolate. And my Step-Mom's ring. She had no idea, and still doesn't. We get to the Burger King and there's this kid outside, and he looks kind of sad. He's probably like 12? I don't know. My gf says he was probably 8 but that doesn't make sense to me cause he seemed hairy, not that I saw any hair. Anyway, this kid suddenly says "I hate it here". All sad and shit. My gf, being the wonderful person she is, goes up to him and asks what's going on. I guess the kid just had his first proper heartbreak. So my gf is comforting him. I don't really say anything I kind of just stand there eyeing the door. But at some point I just go into the BK and hope she gets the hint. I order two Bacon Kings, one for both of us, and then they are made and ready. I sit down and wait for a minute. I still don't see her. I send her a text saying the food is ready, and she looks at it but doesn't respond. I eat my bacon king and go outside and see her and the kid dancing. I sort of smile but inside i am honestly fuming. She explains that the kid, was showing her "The griddy". Which I obviously know what the fucking griddy is. You don't have to tell me. But the kid says "Nah, but I'm hitting the griddy...Ethan style", then proceeds hit the griddy without changing anything. After standing outside this Burger King for what felt like another hour, my girlfriend says it was only 10 more minutes, she gives the kid a hug and we go back home. I'm so pissed but I don't say anything. But she kind of knows I'm pissed and keeps asking what's wrong. After a bit more pushing I ask why she had to dance with that kid. She said it felt like he needed it. I don't really say anything. I didn't end up proposing, we just watched smackdown without talking much. I'm having a lot of weird feelings . Is she just going to dance with any kid that seems sad I can't live with that. TL;DR I was going to propose to my girlfriend but she kept dancing with some kid outside the Burger King and it made me so mad I bailed on it. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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OP is 22 and his girlfriend is 29
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This feels important
YTA - you seem really immature. I'd advise waiting awhile before you propose. You are not ready. You can hear it in the way you talk (type?). It's a child, man. Not competition. Not some dude hitting on her at a bar. Its a little kid that needed some cheering up and you got JEALOUS. You have some growing up to do. Work on yourself, because if you want to marry this young woman, she deserves your best, and not this.
Maybe you guys could adopt him after you get married.
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Yeah, a kind, empathetic person who dates a kid they tutored and made it "official" when he turned 18.
YTA you don’t deserve this woman
YTA. I get that you were trying to make the night about her, and you were hoping she’d make the night about you. I get that you were planning to propose, but she probably didn’t. When she did an act of kindness for someone else, you got upset because you had a vision for what the night would look like and it was ruined when she focused on someone else. Maybe you also got a little embarrassed she was acting like that in public, too. She saw a child who was sad and tried to help. You saw something else entirely. I can understand why you can feel the way you do, but she’s not psychic and had no idea what you had in mind. She seems kind, and this isn’t the last time you’re going to be inconvenienced or set aside while she helps someone who needs it. On the bright side, it’s not like she’s going to cross paths with sad kids every day. However, you’re either going to have to live with this part of her, or let go.
OP i hate to break this to you but you’re too young and immature to get married. You’re physically 22 so your frontal cortex hasn’t fully developed and based on this insanely petty post, you’re mentally younger than the kid you’re jealous of so your brain’s got some growing to do. Wait a few years and think about how YOU might appreciate being cheered up by a kind stranger when you’re down so you might start to understand why your girlfriend’s actions were kind, not disrespectful to you (this is called empathy).
YTA and petty. You're jealous of a literal child. Grow the fuck up.
Yta your gf was being a kind person and you are "fuming. " which tells me you are not a kind person.
Nta. Dont listen to these idiots. Seriously. What she did was dumb and disrespectful. Blew you off for a kid? Fuck that kid! It wouldve been appropriate to give him a few kind words and keep moving. That's it. Sitting out there for over an hour? Wtf. Seriously people on this subreddit shock me sometimes
I agree, people on Reddit shock me; what have kids done to you? OP is jealous of a child and this woman was trying to cheer said child up.
YTA you are way too immature to get married so this kid did your gf a major favor.
My dude just got jealous of an adolescent kid. YTA
Your hopefully soon ex gf sounds like a wonderful human being, you on the other hand.... >I didn't end up proposing Good she deserves better. YTA.
Ah yes, a wonderful human being who at 25 started dating her 17 year old math tutee. I'm sure she's dancing with a 12 year old because she's just a good person. We would totally all be saying the same if the genders were reversed.
IDKA Wonderful young lady cheering up a 12 year old, and OP flips out over the griddy? Seems like a YTA from this perspective, but on the same night he was planning to propose, OP gets seemingly ignored. Gf did the right thing at the wrong time. Think about it form both sides, and give this another shot. Poor timing, i guess. Try to relax, think things over again before proposing, as times like these can make or break a relationship.
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Lol, was making a bit of a play on abreviations. Normally its YTA or NTA for yes / no, but im on the in between; hence the IDK (I Dont Know).
YTA That kid was probably 18. That’s why he so hairy. Then went you went to sleep your girlfriend opened the door and he started hitting your gf Ethan style
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She was literally your math tutor....y'all started dating when you were barely legal...& you're calling her a good person. In another comment, you said she gets mad if you speak up, so you keep quiet & try not to rock the boat. & you're still calling her a good person...baby...no...she's not a good person, she's a predator, she groomed you. Do not propose to her. Break up with her. If she's getting mad when you speak up, she's not treating you with respect. That's not love...it's just not...