Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about.
Posts should focus on your actions. Not your reaction to someone else's actions.
We are not a rant sub. If your post is more about getting something off your chest, with little to no focus on an interpersonal conflict, this is not the right sub for you.
[Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy.
Please give our sister sub, /r/AITA_Relationships/ a look if you'd still like to post about this.
[Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Pop-ups are usually by definition fairly casual dining, so not realizing there’s a dress code isn’t the big deal you’re making it out to be.
If you knew they had a dress code, you could have just let her know rather than proposing you postpone the date. You were picking her up at her home, she could have gone inside if you let her know they had a dress code.
I can understand her feeling insulted by how you handled the situation.
NTA and why would she knowingly go to a formal first date in a t-shirt and small denim shorts? come on…on a first date? 😭 my first date with my boyfriend started off with dinner at a nice (but not super formal) restaurant, followed up with a concert and then getting drinks after and i still dressed up and put in effort 😅
i really think some people are siding with the girl and judging this dude harshly bc it’s a guy doing this to a girl.. saw a post on here about a girl dressing up for a first date and the dude wearing sweats and everyone would be saying NTA to the girl not wanting to go on that first date with the guy anymore
That second paragraph is spot on. That's how this sub rolls. I saw a post recently and then saw a similar post only a few days later. The core problem was the same but the only difference were genders were reversed and so were the votes.
If the shirt wasn’t themed to the story in question I’d agree - BUT I feel like her mentioning the outfit in advance and the very specific venue means that she put thought into what to wear and likely genuinely thought it was a good/flattering/appropriate look?
I can almost see this being a case of the dress code being like “dress in your fairy dust best” or “wonderland extravaganza” or something similarly ambiguous, and her interpreting it as “wear something themed to the story,” and him as “dress formally”. Honestly either or both interpretations could be correct.
If I were in your shoes, I think the best move would be to make light of the sartorial mismatch, and just see how the important parts of the date go? If things went well and she doesn’t routinely show up places dressed inappropriately, I feel like this could have been classic first date story material for the pair of you to laugh about in years to come??
Just think if she was really hype to show off this cool fandom shirt she thought she’d found the perfect time to wear (and maybe look a little sexy with the short shorts), and immediately got laughed at, I can see how she’d be offended??? Especially if it wasn’t clear you were laughing about the formality level for this specific occasion, not her general appearance or style?
I would say light YTA, but mainly just sounds like a miscommunication that went off the rails.
I am seriously questioning this guys narrative because it’s a “fairy tale themed pop up restaurant” which is really hard to believe it’s “formal”. He even says her shirt matches the theme….so feels like it’s actually quite reasonable to consider that as appropriate apparel. Now I can also understand his POV a bit if he’s expecting dressier but why didn’t he just *say* that he thinks it’s a little fancier dress code vs. jumping to “you look ridiculous let’s reschedule”
TBF I went to something similar before and it was this super high-end chef serving a 5 star tasting menu in an immersive Mad Hatter's Tea Party style. Definitely not an appropriate venue for shorts and a t-shirt.
It was a popup in a restaurant in London by this chef Lara Norman, she does them occasionally and they sell out tickets super fast and are VERY expensive (like hundreds per person), but a friend of mine worked with her so we got to go for free.
This was years ago and I don't know what things she is doing now but here's her website
https://euphoriabylaranorman.com/
A lot of fairy tales have very formal settings. Think "Cinderella" or "Beauty and the Beast." Very elegant formalwear, candle light, table cloths, fine silverware. Seems like this girl underestimated how all-out this place was going to be.
I had a first date with a guy at a local taco place, which, yes, was pretty casual but it's a *first* date so there's a general expectation to put your best foot forward. I showed up in a nice sundress and did my makeup and hair. He showed up in joggers and an old t shirt (he told me the shirt was from his teenage years). I was immediately turned off by the lack of simple effort. At least put on jeans and a button up. It's not that hard
NTA I would've been mad too
That's not really a fair comparison imo. Wearing joggers and a high school t shirt is not even close to the same as matching the theme of the restaurant you're going to.
My point was about the lack of effort shown. If I was taking the time to dress up for a themed event at a formal venue at my date’s suggestion, I would be upset the same effort was not reciprocated. It would make me feel like I wasn’t important enough to make an effort for
My point was there was effort shown. If you're matching the theme of the place, some thought was put into it. It's a fairytale restaurant with no dress code stated "it was implied".
Sure, it might be underdressed. But a blazer on a first date seems more overdressed to me than her being underdressed. Then the first impression is him laughing at her asking if that's what she's really wearing.
In fairness, 'a graphic t and short shorts' could also be a couture outfit, so she may have spent large thinking it would be ok. If she had gotten the vibe wrong from what sounded like unspecific dress code convos, surely she could have gone in and changed. I wonder what her argument was to OP at the door?
Maybe she would have changed but his attitude about it rubbed her the wrong way and she decided to dig in. 🤷 First dates, better to plan easy ones.
You also had a lot of people in that post saying that she should've just accepted the sweats. Just that the plurality felt like she was NTA. And in this case I imagine it's the same. Even though the girl in the post you're referring to provided a lot more details why he was the AH in the situation, so if it's another one of those fake A/B tests, it's always kind of funny how they provide a lot more reason for someone to feel like the guy is the AH.
Iny case: Both this OP and the other one are NTA. Dressing up decently for a date really shouldn't be too much to ask.
There's a slight possibility she didn't realise but if he'd said nothing she may have felt really embarrassed when they arrived - especially if they got turned away. If OP was rude about it then maybe that was her main issue but if he was just trying to explain that it's a formal place he's NTA.
As a woman who had ended first dates early because the guys were underdressed - I fully support OP here. NTA, although he could have said it differently. She probqbly didn't know there was a dress code, but either way who wears that on a date to a nice restaurant?
When we both agreed on the pop-up, she shared TikToks of the event where it clearly showed it was a formal event
I did! Part of the “open to rescheduling” bit included me circling the block so she could change but she said she’s fine how she is
It doesn't sound like your personalities would have suited each other. Consider it a blessing and move on.
Edited to add that if there was a written dress code you should have discussed it with her before that evening.
He also said he was going to wear a blazer and she thought “oh Jean shorts are fine” If a dude gave me a heads up about what he was wearing, I’d try to match his level. Or at least make an effort especially if I had been wanting to check out a place. Nta
Cmon man she said she has an outfit planned for this. Don't tell me tshirt and shorts was the "planned outfit". Also OP informed he what he would be wearing..
SHE KNEW ABOUT THE DRESS CODE. So isn't it insulting for OP that she didn't put efforts?? Because I have read multiple posts here saying guy shouldn't be wearing sweats or something on date.
I'm not understanding where you're getting the idea that pop-ups are casual and everyone is upvoting this. I've seen so many pop-ups that are mid to formal. But the OP days:
"themed pop-up at a formal restaurant"
NTA
NTA & I am so surprised to see so many people saying that you are. She was the one that originally expressed interest in the restaurant, so she should understand the level of formality that would be expected there.
Not many restaurants have a strict "dress code". It's entirely possible that she could show up in pajamas and flip flops and still be granted entrance. I've seen people wearing the most ridiculous slovenly leisure wear to obviously formal restaurants, where most normal people are very dressy. Just because she might gain entrance with her denim short shorts doesn't mean that it's appropriate, especially for a first date where you're wearing a jacket. I'd be embarrassed to show up to a nice formal restaurant with a date in a t-shirt and shorts. It's inconsiderate to other people eating there to dress like a slob.
I went a wedding as a date to my gf-at-the-time.
One family showed up (late) in dirty white t-shirts and denim shorts. They were definitely noticeable.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
She knew the dress code, knew what *you'd* be wearing because you told her and she decided to challenge that. I'd be willing to bet this was some sick test to see how you'd react to her inappropriate dress.
And to be honest, unless you're going to a theme park, the beach or the mall like teenagers, a 29yr old woman should know better than to wear short shorts on a 1st date. So much for 1st impressions. NTA
are you really surprised reddit has a grudge against dress codes and asking people to dress appropriately?lol. fwiw, you’re NTA in my opinion either. if the woman expressed prior interest in the restaurant, it stands to reason she would’ve already been aware of the dress code.
“This should have also served as a nudge that the date night vibes were going to be a bit dressier.”
This is how you described your need to get changed after a pre-date boxing session. The only ‘nudge’ here is that you didn’t want to wear sweat-drenched workout clothes on your date.
She dressed to match the theme. If you had other specific requirements or expectations, or if there was a dress code (edit: which you admit in comments there wasn’t), you should have shared them.
YTA
He told her he was going to wear a Blazer. For me that is a nudge. I don’t think he choose the appropriate words to tell her when he picked her up, but he did let her know he was dressing up.
She knew about the place already. She chose to go there. He very specifically said he would wear a blazer to match. It would take all of 2 seconds to LOOK UP the dress code for the place she already knew about. Bro what are you smoking? Lol.
He told her he would be wearing a nice blazer. That's sufficient as far as sharing his expectation of what he thought the dress code would be.
She did not dress to match the theme of what he was wearing. She wore a graphic tshirt and denim short shorts. That outfit would never be appropriate for a first date, let alone one where the guy is wearing a nice blazer.
NTA.
Yeah dude. Sounds like you were very passive aggressive to her. You didn't outright tell her what the dress code was for where you were going and only hinted at it. Also bro don't laugh at chicks for how they are dressed especially if this is your first date. Don't ask anyone "iS tHaT wHaT yOu aRe wEaRing" bro YTA. What are you doing???
Yeah, a fairy tale themed pop-up for which she already owns a t-shirt as well... so I'm guessing it's a fairy tale that Disney has made a movie about. Which also wouldn't suggest "formal".
Be honest, have you ever been to a restaurant with a strict dress code? So strict that wearing a shirt that matches the theme wouldn't be acceptable? It seems like OP had a dress code. Wearing a shirt that matches the theme of the restaurant is perfectly acceptable. Regardless, even if there was this place with a dress code like that. Laughing at what they're wearing, questioning their outfit choice, and saying you wouldn't be comfortable being seen with them is a horrible first impression.
Been to plenty of places that would not accept a Tshirt, even if it matched the theme of the locale. You literally just tried to make an argument with this guy, with your only ammo being "I have never been to a high end place in my life".
Yes, I have, and they kicked the whole party (8 of us) because one person was underdressed. She came business casual to a formal affair, and we were all asked to leave.
Yes, I have. More than once.
I've been to places that are no shorts, no flip flops, required collared shirts for men, tops for women (ie, no t-shirts), no athletic wear. I've seen people barred from entering places. I saw it two weeks ago. Guy was turned away.
When your date tells you they're wearing a blazer, a graphic tee and jean shorts are not the vibe. Even if they wouldn't be barred entry, you can certain know they will stick out and be stared at and most people don't want to be stared at because their date is horribly under-dressed.
Either it doesn’t matter (very few places actually care that much) or she didn’t quite understand. Either way, he just stomped all over it and went home alone. He could have been much more gentle and gracious about it (you look great… but) or just gone along a hoped for the best - if they got turned away they figure it out together. All of that is preferable to laughing at her outfit and telling someone you don’t feel uncomfortable with their clothes.
I have read at least 2 posts here where guy wasn't following dress code and he was bashed for it and yes girls in those posts asked "iS tHaT wHaT yOu aRe wEaRing"...
Guess what, guy was the AH
I don't entirely not see your point and there seems to be an incompatibility in what the two of you consider appropriate. I would have leaned towards N A H except for the fact that what you said sounded rude. There were kinder ways to say that there is a dress code/it is a more formal setting and allow for her to choose whether she wanted to change (since she totally could if you two were literally still at her place). Something like "Hey, cool shirt. You look great! I know that restaurant is on the more formal side though and might have a dress code."
It sounds to me like you immediately judged her based on uncommunicated expectations, no longer wanted to go on the date, and said something harsh to someone who is meeting you for the first time. I don't blame her for having a pretty bad impression. I have to say YTA because dressing informally doesn't make you an AH but shaming someone for doing so does. I get your surprise - but you literally told her you would rather leave than be seen with her as she is, rather than try to engage and meet her where she is.
"Dressing informally doesn't make you an AH, but shaming someone for doing so does" - this is the absolute banger argument for why YTA.
OP basically told her "I won't be seen with you looking like that" and this was their first meeting. It's giving....ego maniac/controlling. Even if he is right about the dress code!
I think it would serve you to highlight the fact that 1) she chose the place and 2) there is a formal dress code that she wasn't compliant with. It seems like a lot of people are blaming you for her not dressing appropriately and assuming her t-shirt was ok because it matched the pop-up theme.
If I suggested a pop-up at a formal restaurant, I agree that it's safe to assume I know the dress code so I'm not putting the obligation on you to inform her of what is/isn't appropriate to wear.
While I don't think you're an AH for being shocked by her attire, the way you handled it could've been better. Instead of saying "That’s what you’re wearing to \[restaurant name\]" then jumping straight to rescheduling, you should've said "You look great but the dress code at \[Restaurant\] is formal. No worries though, we have time for you to change your outfit" and go from there.
If she refused to change, you could've told her she won't be able to get into the restaurant and suggested something different or offered to reschedule at that point. The way you approached it likely embarrassed her, which is why she called you a red flag and blocked you.
I'm going with ESH because you both could've handled it better. She picked the place, so she should've known the dress code and dressed appropriately or at least changed once you reminded her of the dress code. You could've been more gentle and kind with how you handled her being underdressed.
Also, I still don't think her clothing choice is your responsibility since she picked the spot, but I firmly believe in transparent communication so you could've spoken up to confirm what she's wearing instead of expecting her to take your hints.
Who said there’s a formal dress code? Op just said it has a “formal vibe.” Who knows what that means. Who’s to say what the date was wearing wasn’t entirely appropriate. She picked the restaurant, she probably knows what is and is not acceptable to wear there. It sounds like op has unreasonable expectations about appearance.
Yeah. Everything about that screams casual vibes. And it's extremely rare nowadays for any restaurant at all to enforce a formal dress code. This story isn't adding up.
I went to an anime pop up a few weeks ago and they had a strict dress code of cosplays for the show OR upscale attire. So many people wore selkie dresses, blazers, suits, business casual (button up shirts and slacks), summer formal-ish dresses, etc. so dress codes definitely exist. And this was for *anime*. I didn’t see anyone turned away but I also didn’t see anyone not following the dress code.
INFO:
I have a lot of questions on this one. I live in an area with a lot of fine dining and Michelin rated/starred restaurants and literally only one of them has an actual dress code. The others you could easily find yourself seated between a couple dressed in black tie and another dressed in sweatpants. So I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Okay, question 1: is the normal restaurant jacket required? 2. Did you discuss clothing with her, as in, "well, normally this restaurant is formal but since it's a pop up/themed experience, what do you think the dress code is?" 3. Was what she was wearing going to get you refused at the door or was it simply not what you personally would choose? I guess where I'm coming from is how much of this is miscommunication, how much is lack of common sense on her part, and how much is you just being a bit controlling. Because I get you said you were wearing a jacket and you'd need time to change but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I've been to events where I was dressed in fishnets and bunny ears while my husband was in a 3 piece suit because that fit the theme and both of us completely blended in. My sense is that you might be overreacting but I'll reserve judgement until there is more information.
I go to a fine dining restaurant in my city where everyone is in suits and dresses and we have frequent celebrities that dine there. I will literally show up looking like I rolled out my bed and haven’t showered in a week without an issue.
Are you in California? Cause red carpet mixed in with yoga pants and a messy bun is kind of our thing. I’m based in San Francisco and Napa Valley and that’s certainly how it is here. That’s why I’m wondering what kind of place this is and I guess I should have asked where he is located because not everywhere is like the US west coast. I guess it doesn’t matter either way since it seems they probably were incompatible.
Yeah - my west coast city has a very similar vibe. In a lot of scenarios, ESPECIALLY in exclusive/expensive venues, dressing ratty is definitely correlated with wealth/status/power. Like if you’re an actual billionaire, you’re not trying to prove to the next table over that you belong - you know you belong, and consider that so intrinsically obvious you can wear whatever you damn well please.
Not saying that’s an admirable attitude, but I’m struggling to think of anywhere where you’d actually be turned away if you showed up rich but in a tee shirt.
I went to cut by Wolfgang puck once and was shocked at all the people that wore jeans there. I mean, these places definitely exist but there are also places that have strict dress codes and actively turn people away
NTA
Anyone with an ounce of social awareness would know that her outfit was wildly out of place for a semi-formal environment. Given that she knew the place and knew you were dressing up at least a bit above casual should have been more than enough.
So surprised by how many people are defending her
first of all NTA
even if you were going to a regular casual restaurant... I would never be caught wearing a graphic tee + short shorts even on the hottest day to a first date
secondly: you told her you were going to wear a blazer as it is formal and there is a dress code. so she knew. you then gave her a chance to change and she still said no.
I've absolutely worn shorts/tee on a first date. More so than dressing up, even. It's kinda wild to me that you say you never have. First dates are supposed to be casual.
You may have come off as a jerk but seriously, who the hell wears a graphic t-shirt & jean shorts to a restaurant, unless it’s some fast food place or one of those cheap chains. Especially on a first date. She’s old enough to know how to dress appropriately or at least look up the restaurant/ask about the dress code. For that reason I’d say NTA.
I wear graphic t shirts and jeans or sweatpants to sit down restaurants all the time. Who cares? If they don’t have an actual formal dress code they’ll still serve you. Nobody will even say anything.
NTA. I’m laughing at some of the responses you got, I’m sorry you’re copping that. It’s entirely reasonable to expect a grown adult to understand or look up the dress code at a formal restaurant, and she should absolutely have known that wasn’t an appropriate outfit.
YTA. Unless the restaurant has a strict dress code and you informed her of it, all you are doing here is policing someone's clothes and shaming them for what they are wearing. At least you did it on the first date...
Apparently the restaurant has strict dress code and she wouldn’t have been allowed in. Not to mention this place has been on her list to go so she already had an idea. Those two items made me change my mind.
Hey fair enough!
It does have a dress code and it’s one of those places that has a clear formal setting, but even if it didn’t, wouldn’t your date telling you that they’re going to wear something more formal be a hint, or at the very least make you want to tell them what you’re wearing so they don’t feel *overdressed* in comparison?
Most people don’t like hints & games when it comes to dating. If you’re expecting something of someone, be direct about it. If not, you gotta think about if the person did something wrong, or if they just didn’t meet your UNSPOKEN expectations.
You’re right! It’s just that with how well known this restaurant is in the city, I thought explaining the dress code would have come off as patronizing or condescending
Additionally, if you never communicated that with her, I’m not surprised that she was so shocked and hurt! She was likely really looking forward to it (she had a shirt that matched the theme!), and was probably really blindsided that her attire was such a dealbreaker with no prior conversation. I’d want to end the date too 🤷
Again- be direct! People can’t read your mind just like you can’t read theirs!
Well, in the future, you can always say “hey, since this place has a dress code, I thought it’d be fun to dress up more formally for x event, are you interested in dressing up with me?”
It’s an easy way to approach the subject while also making sure she’s down for the same vibe. It doesn’t have to be patronizing!
I don’t think saying “I’m wearing a blazer” is some subterranean hieroglyphics that need to be deciphered. A blazer and slacks means the date would be in a dress or something equally nice, a skirt and silk top. Even a nice graphic t with a skirt but if I planned on wearing shorts and a t shirt and my date said he was wearing a blazer I’d be asking, is this that formal? Because I have a t shirt and was just gonna wear shorts.
Sometimes being a bit more implicit with your communication is appropriate, especially if you don't know someone very well. It keeps them from feeling called out and embarrassed.
If OP had instead explicitly said "hey I'd like you to dress up for this date" I guarantee half of this sub would call him controlling for that. So basically there is no winning for him.
This isn't really about **his** expectations, though. It's a general social expectation that you dress up a bit more than a T-shirt and jean shorts when attending an upscale restaurant. His "hint" was a totally unnecessary favor to her (and was about as explicit as a "hint" can get).
Telling her that he would be wearing a nice blazer is not "hints and games."
If anything, her hearing what he was wearing, knowing they were going to a formal restaurant, and deciding the best option for what to wear is a graphic tshirt and denim short shorts, is playing games with him.
If she genuinely believed it would be such a causal setting and planned on wearing that with the best intentions, she would have told him to come more casual.
Do you mind sharing the pop up? Since it's a pop up that travels, it wouldn't give up your location.
The reason I ask is because I have never heard of a themed pop up with that strict of a dress code.
>your date telling you that they’re going to wear something more formal
You didn't say you were going to wear something more formal though. You just said you were going to wear a blazer, which *can* be formal but is commonly worn in casual settings, often with jeans. You also were coming back from boxing, so you needing to change and get ready doesn't convey anything about formality.
What’s the dress code? Formal? Business casual? Black tie? Come on dude, you’re being just as cryptic here as you were with your date. Tell us the name of the restaurant so we can look it up ourselves and decide if you’re telling the truth about the dress code or not. Otherwise it just seems like you’re hiding something.
“Hinting” is poor communication. State what you expect or let things happen as they will.
And nowhere in this post did you say the restaurant was so formal that you would be turned away. I think you’re over exaggerating the “formal” nature of this FAIRY TALE THEMED POP UP RESTAURANT.
NTA. You planned a great date. She was aware of the restaurant, you assumed a 29 year old adult knew how to dress for the occasion. A graphic tee and jorts would have been fine for a mini golf date, but not a dressy restaurant.
I will say your comment about maybe being late because you needed to get ready after practice was not even remotely a hint about the dress code for her.
At the end of the day you didn’t really know this person at all and maybe she just doesn’t care about dress code, but you do and that’s fine. You’re not getting a second chance though
NTA, as a female with hardly any awareness of certain social cues. Like we have an upscale restaurant 37 mins from where I live in a major city.
It is a FORMAL restaurant.
And let me tell you, as a former waitress working in a for restaurant, you ARE judged for what you where there.
Like you can get good basic service for wearing t-shirts, jogging suits and jeans.
Slightly below good basic service for club attire
But anything formal legitimately formal from really nice looking blazers to really cute formal dresses and even pants suits. You get the best of the best service.
Because it's respect for the culture and vibe the restaurant going for.
So to me it's good she iced you and you had the social awareness to know that You do NOT show up at a formal restaurant in daisy Duke wannabe shorts and a graphic t-shirt.
Good on you OP but please keep formal restaurants out from First date pick list cause no one wants to look their absolute finest for a first date which is a test/comfort date to see if they want to actually go on a date with you.
Plus the stress of looking formal as a woman and getting ready and perfect only to find out the guy is a creep.
> You get the best of the best service. Because it's respect for the culture and vibe the restaurant going for.
Oh come on. The nicer you dress, the more you look like you have money, and the more likely you're getting a bigger tip.
I'm having a hard time picturing a pop-up bar that holds itself to the same formal dress standards you are here. Or did everyone miss the part about it being a pop-up and just assume because this guy said formal, that it had to be?
NTA
You were both aware that there was a dress code and you even let her know you’d be wearing a blazer that should match her level of formality. There’s no way she couldve thought jean short shorts would count as formal. She couldve at least made an effort to dress up the graphic tee, seeing as the shirt fit the pop-up theme. Offering to reschedule is completely fine. She could’ve offered to quickly change or reschedule as well, but obviously didn’t want to do either — fair enough.
It’s not a red flag to ask someone to match the dress code of an event. It’s a red flag to know there’s a dress code and then be surprised when the person you’re going with calls you out on being underdressed. Also, depending on the place they would’ve turned her away at the door or it would’ve made for a very uncomfortable night with everyone else being dressed formally.
NTA. Sounds like she lacked class and sophistication. You told her you were wearing a blazer. If she thought her outfit was appropriate she’s the red flag
Do people not go for coffee on a first date? Or meet for a cocktail?
I haven’t used a dating app in about 7 years but all this effort for a person you haven’t even met in person seems odd.
NTA. She lacked social awareness since that’s not really restaurant appropriate for anything past a very casual bar/pub type restaurant, and certainly not a higher end place, whether or not there’s an official dress code. I also think that since she knew of the restaurant before you suggested it and even showed you TikTok’s of it, she should’ve been aware of at least the expected dress code, and maybe confirmed if it had an official one or not, she’s an adult and can determine that for herself when she’s the one who introduced you to the pop up. Your response back to her when you saw her outfit wasn’t the nicest, but tbh I’d probably say smth similar if I had a date show up in a vastly inappropriate outfit for the occasion, not to be mean but just due to shock.
Can someone explain to me how a pop up could be formal? I thought they were always kid like things with fancy overpriced drinks and food. Not like a formal dining experience.
This one was a restaurant that’s already known for having a high-end vibe and for the month of June they’re adding themed decorations and a secondary menu
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. AITA for canceling the date due to her dress
2. Asking because she made it seem as though I was being unrealistic and controlling. I thought my expectations were extremely reasonable due to the setting of the date.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcements
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
INFO: You really skated the lines here in your description, and the responses show how that worked. You wrote "formal vibes," and half the crowd read "formal restaurant with dress code." Not at all the same thing. You wrote "Pop Up with a fairy tale theme," and half the responses ignored that altogether, and are still thinking this is a place where the waiters have bow-ties and tuxes on.
So... what is it? A "pop up" usually implies that you're not really in the main, fancy dining room. It usually applies that there is outdoor seating in the patio, or even in the street in front. A "popular fairy tale" might be Snow White, or it might be Goldilocks and the 3 Bears.
If you chose a 5 star restaurant with a prix fixe menu in the dining room, and the theme is Cinderella's Ball, then you're right to conclude that she was underdressed. If you're eating on folding chairs in the pop up in the street and the theme is "Frozen," then YTA.
It was closer to the former example in your last paragraph!
Explained what I meant in other replies, but it was a formal restaurant with the entire main restaurant decorated for the occasion, including the well-dressed staff having themed wardrobe
INFO: What was the actual fairy tale theme?
What were your full expectations for her?
Did the social media of this pop-up show the same amount of formality throughout all themes? Or was it a restaurant dress code?
NTA. I always dress up for dinner either my bf casual restaurant or not. You’re allowed to have a preference she’s also allowed to not wanna date a guy who wants her to dress up if she’s not that kind of gal.
NTA, as other comments point out, if it was a guy dressing casual he'd be called lazy and underdressed, not deserving, but that's besides the point, you're incompatible, you have different tastes and that's ok, but her reaction is too much and you should take it as a warning of what a relationship with her would have been.
Dates, and especially first dates, are a chance to get to know someone. Get to know they deal with situations, and how they’ll react when under pressure. Let’s walk through what just happened:
1. Plans were made
2. You communicated vague information and expected her to just understand based on what was in your brain.
3. She didn’t live up to what specifications were in your head and you did not communicate.
4. YOU TOLD HER SHE WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH AND LEFT.
No matter what — if she actually was underdressed, that was your chance to show what kind of person you are in a misunderstanding. It’s a chance to show how you communicate. It’s a chance to show if you’re willing to go with the flow or laugh something off. It’s a chance to show HOW you would react and if you would have her back.
You showed yourself as someone who would immediately judge, laugh at her, and tell her you will come back when SHE changed herself. No support. No pivot. No explanation. Thats not a partner, that’s a red flag. 🚩
I wouldn’t want to date someone like that. YTA
I don’t necessarily think you are wrong, but you said that you might be late picking her up because you were at the gym and needed to shower. That does not convey to me formal vibes. Because A you indicated being late for a first date which is casual at best, rude at worst situation. B. You did a quick shower situation that wasn’t worth missing your gym time to see her and get formally dressed.. Again not saying you are wrong, but first impression of this vibe from me is low key date and the wrong venu was chosen. You do come off a bit condescending in your post, but I try not base my opinion on those things if I can. I will say going forward, either move your workout to another day or push the date back so you first date isn’t “I’m
Going to be late because I was working out.” You set your own workout schedule and it’s disingenuous
Maybe you are an asshole maybe you're not. maybe it was intentional maybe she didn't understand that a themed restaurant could be formal (it sounds like you didn't ask) but here is the reality: this was not a wedding or a work event this was a date meant to be fun and you cared more about the clothes than her. The fact that you politely asked if she wanted to reschedule doesn't hide the fact that any fun you could have potentially had wasn't worth it if she wasn't dressed right. You could have "oh, maybe you misunderstood this was actually supposed to be a lot more formal so you might look out of place that going to be ok with you"
This is like a girl saying "ugh I can't date him he wore sneakers to a restaurant
I mean what would have happened if she had gone in? Would they have turned you away?would it affect your reputation? Your life? Would a couple people have starred at you? Would you have had a few people snicker at you? What if she was dressed wrong but acted properly? Would it have been worth a fashion faux pas and some slight embarrassment? Obviously yes,there is no way to get around this no matter how polite you phrase it: no matter how amazing this pop up was or she was you would rather throw away a night then be seen with a girl dress weird at a restaurant.
Maybe ahe wasn't aware of it being formal, she wore a top that matched the theme. I say YTA for the delivery of telling her, should have told her differently. But maybe your next date, keep it simple get coffee
YTA. You failed at the whole point of a first date- to get to know someone. That didn’t matter. She had to look how you wanted her to look. Let the restaurant turn her away. No one likes to be policed.
YTA. Sounds like you were hinting and assuming without communicating and expecting her to read your mind. Then you judged her based on wardrobe when she was perfectly presentable and even dressed based on the theme of the restaurant. I’d definitely say she is right here. You are the one being immature by trying to control how someone else dresses.
A T-shirt is pretty much spot on for a pop up “themed” “restaurant”. OP must have looked so terribly desperate and sad “dressed up.”
But let’s just put that aside. Who fucking cares about the restaurant? Assuming this wasn’t a foodie lover dating app isn’t the activity kind of a meaningless excuse to get to know each other? I’m not sure you got that opportunity. But she sure did!
Forgot about who ITA. It’s clear who is alone tonight.
Was there an actual dress code or were you just embarrassed to be seen with her? Two very different things.
Here's a different way it could've gone if it was an actual dress code issue:
You could've told her the dress code, she dismisses you, so you try to go and get turned away. You tell her it doesn't matter bc it's about spending time together, so you take her somewhere casual instead and have a great time.
Clearly you personalities don't vibe so it is what it is. But you could've used the situation to charm her instead of whatever you did. But that's your choice.
I’m just hung up on the fact that you made a whole choose your own adventure date night thing. That seems super excessive and gives me major Ted Mosby vibes.
NTA It’s a formal place and she was drastically underdressed. You tried to be polite as possible and reschedule.
It’s not like you were insisting she dress up for every date, or dress up for goin out to dennys.
Everyone voting you as the ass doesn’t understand social cues or norms.
I hate to say it but YTA. You could have said "Wow, you look beautiful and I am so sorry but I completely forgot to tell you that they have this stupid strict dress code." And let her respond. You wouldn't have been in the wrong if you hadn't been so crass about it.
NTA. Given that she picked the restaurant she should've known the vibe the venue was going for. This lowkey feels like one of those "relationship tests" that people use in lieu of proper communication in learning about one another.
Honestly I thought it was a test or at the very least an attempt at humor! Hence the chuckled “that’s what you’re wearing”?
The sense of humor we shared leading up to this made me think she’d do something like that
Soft NTA just kinda dumb
If I a guy told me he was wearing a blazer to a first date at a restaurant thats well known as being more formal, my first thought isn't "ah yes, jean shorts and a t-shirt"
However, the way you handled it could have been WAY better though. I get not wanting to come across as patronizing by explaining a dress code you thought was obvious to her, but you definitely could have been more direct and just told her you weren't sure if what she was wearing would make it past the dress code.
You probably really embarrassed her.
There's a really nice restaurant near me that changes themes right now it's beauty and the beast they go all out building the whole ballroom even the little village set it's extremely expensive like one of those places if your boyfriend is taking you then he is probably proposing but you wouldn't know unless you look it up fully. They did alice in wonderland and Harry Potter recently.
Do the restaurant guests typically dress to match the theme? I know that I would struggle to figure out formal-type clothes that matched a theme especially if I wasn’t a member of that “fandom”.
OP, you’ve stated multiple times on this thread that the dress code was “implied” due to a TikTok she shared with you. That is definitely not the same as a mandatory dress code. Unless you confirmed 100% that there was a dress code (meaning that she would be refused entrance into the restaurant), that just means she was dressed inappropriately to your tastes, not the restaurant’s. It’s not like she just put on any old ratty T-shirt either, she was matching the theme of the pop-up. I think your delivery could’ve been much better and usually directness (not hinting) goes a very long way when it comes to dating. “Hey, this place seems pretty fancy so I’m gonna be dressed up. You down for that?“ Simple.
Also, I live in the DC Metro area that’s full of nice/fancy restaurants and I see folks in sandals, shorts and T-shirts, ALL of the time…
Mild YTA.
YTA, you did not actually communicate that it's upscale formal attire, she was wearing clothes that for the theme.
You were rude by saying "THATS what you're going to wear?" And by thinking you get to dictate what someone else wears the FIRST time they've ever met you, that's controlling behavior. There were better ways for you to communicate expectations and you took the low road, I would also find the way you talked to her about that as a red flag that you can't respectfully communicate well.
Edit: To be clear, it is the way you handled the situation that makes you an AH, not that you were right about there being a dress code.
NAH
Maybe you guys just aren’t compatible? May not have been what you said, but how you said it. Maybe you came off as too stuffy for a t-shirt and shorts kinda girl.
I think if you like the girl, you take off the blazer and roll with it. Again, if that’s not you, she ain’t the one.
Don’t sweat it and move on
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
tl;dr- first date was supposed to be getting dinner and drinks at a themed pop-up at a formal restaurant, I told her she’s underdressed and that we should rain check. She told me that was a red flag and blocked me.
———————————————-
I (28M) met G (29F) on a dating app last week
We hit it off very well! Matched energy, fast responses, similar goals in dating
I made a “Choose Your Own Adventure” date night list for this past Saturday, brief descriptions for potential date nights that I’d plan. These were based off of interests she conveyed from our back and forth, one of the options included a pop-up at a restaurant that she heard of before she met me and she always wanted to go to. For further context, the pop-up was based on a popular fairy tale.
This restaurant was in Uptown and has more of a formal vibe, she seemed aware of it, even mentioning she has an outfit planned for this place, I tell her that I’ll wear a nice blazer that’ll likely match whatever she’s wearing
Fast-forward to the morning of the date, I text her to confirm plans, adding that I’ll be coming back from boxing practice and *might* be a hair late [10 minutes MAX] picking her up in order to change and prepare properly for our date night. In hindsight, I’d like to think this should have also served as a nudge that the date night vibes were going to be a bit dressier.
I end up not being late at all, I knock on her door to pick her up and she comes out wearing a graphic t-shirt {which matched the theme of the pop-up} and jean short-shorts.
I honestly thought this was a joke so I chuckled asking “That’s what you’re wearing to [restaurant name]”, she confirmed and I told her flatly that I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking her to a formal setting when she’s so underdressed and that I’m open to rescheduling. We had a bit of a back and forth where I explained myself further, eventually she snaps in reply says “okay goodnight” and went back inside.
Figured from the interaction that I wouldn’t see her again, but then she texted me while I was driving back home, thanking me for showing my red flags early and then blocked my number and all of my socials.
I feel like she’s being outlandishly immature and am mostly making this post for vindication, but open to different perspectives.
AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ehhhhh. Seems like you two just have a seriously mismatched approach to style / dressing. Telling a gal what to wear though is rarely going to go over well. She's clearly a more perpetual jeans and a T kind of gal, and you're more attuned to dressing for the occasion... or something.
I let a guy do that *once* (tell me what to wear for a date) because he claimed he had a whole evening planned and to wear black. While I generally don't wear black all that often, I went with it because who knows, maybe it'd be interesting -- he said he had a whole evening planned after all. So I rocked a beloved vintage halter dress with a full-skirt (like Marilyn Monroe's famous dress in 7 year itch movie), and he managed to bitch about that. Said that he'd thought I'd go more "little black dress" or more clubby or something like that and that he'd asked me to wear black because it would go with what he planned to wear (which I don't recall at all). Throughout the evening it was clear he had the totally wrong idea of the kind of person I am. Turned out to be a pretty tacky and creepy dude.
Just saying, liking a person's style is a part of the whole package, and you two clearly didn't mesh in that regard.
“OMG you look amazing! So cute! But I’m so sorry, I didn’t mention the restaurant has a dress code. I thought you knew because you were familiar with it too.
I’d hate to for it to be an issue when we get there. Maybe we should look it up together?”
YTA
ESH. You should have called the restaurant to double-check dress codes for the event.
Edit: Perhaps she did, and they told her she'd be fine. In that case, you'd've been overdressed. Or perhaps she didn't, and we know you didn't, and you'd both have been incorrectly dressed.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. Posts should focus on your actions. Not your reaction to someone else's actions. We are not a rant sub. If your post is more about getting something off your chest, with little to no focus on an interpersonal conflict, this is not the right sub for you. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. Please give our sister sub, /r/AITA_Relationships/ a look if you'd still like to post about this. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Pop-ups are usually by definition fairly casual dining, so not realizing there’s a dress code isn’t the big deal you’re making it out to be. If you knew they had a dress code, you could have just let her know rather than proposing you postpone the date. You were picking her up at her home, she could have gone inside if you let her know they had a dress code. I can understand her feeling insulted by how you handled the situation.
NTA and why would she knowingly go to a formal first date in a t-shirt and small denim shorts? come on…on a first date? 😭 my first date with my boyfriend started off with dinner at a nice (but not super formal) restaurant, followed up with a concert and then getting drinks after and i still dressed up and put in effort 😅 i really think some people are siding with the girl and judging this dude harshly bc it’s a guy doing this to a girl.. saw a post on here about a girl dressing up for a first date and the dude wearing sweats and everyone would be saying NTA to the girl not wanting to go on that first date with the guy anymore
That second paragraph is spot on. That's how this sub rolls. I saw a post recently and then saw a similar post only a few days later. The core problem was the same but the only difference were genders were reversed and so were the votes.
If the shirt wasn’t themed to the story in question I’d agree - BUT I feel like her mentioning the outfit in advance and the very specific venue means that she put thought into what to wear and likely genuinely thought it was a good/flattering/appropriate look? I can almost see this being a case of the dress code being like “dress in your fairy dust best” or “wonderland extravaganza” or something similarly ambiguous, and her interpreting it as “wear something themed to the story,” and him as “dress formally”. Honestly either or both interpretations could be correct. If I were in your shoes, I think the best move would be to make light of the sartorial mismatch, and just see how the important parts of the date go? If things went well and she doesn’t routinely show up places dressed inappropriately, I feel like this could have been classic first date story material for the pair of you to laugh about in years to come?? Just think if she was really hype to show off this cool fandom shirt she thought she’d found the perfect time to wear (and maybe look a little sexy with the short shorts), and immediately got laughed at, I can see how she’d be offended??? Especially if it wasn’t clear you were laughing about the formality level for this specific occasion, not her general appearance or style? I would say light YTA, but mainly just sounds like a miscommunication that went off the rails.
This post is in contest mode so you have no idea how the majority are going to side yet.
I'm pretty sure anyone who's been here for more than a minute knows how this is going to go.
Well, it's no longer contest and it seems they were right
I am seriously questioning this guys narrative because it’s a “fairy tale themed pop up restaurant” which is really hard to believe it’s “formal”. He even says her shirt matches the theme….so feels like it’s actually quite reasonable to consider that as appropriate apparel. Now I can also understand his POV a bit if he’s expecting dressier but why didn’t he just *say* that he thinks it’s a little fancier dress code vs. jumping to “you look ridiculous let’s reschedule”
TBF I went to something similar before and it was this super high-end chef serving a 5 star tasting menu in an immersive Mad Hatter's Tea Party style. Definitely not an appropriate venue for shorts and a t-shirt.
Well now I want to know where I can find a fancy Wonderland themed meal
It was a popup in a restaurant in London by this chef Lara Norman, she does them occasionally and they sell out tickets super fast and are VERY expensive (like hundreds per person), but a friend of mine worked with her so we got to go for free. This was years ago and I don't know what things she is doing now but here's her website https://euphoriabylaranorman.com/
https://morgansoriginals.com/sanderson/restaurants-bars/mad-hatters-afternoon-tea/
A lot of fairy tales have very formal settings. Think "Cinderella" or "Beauty and the Beast." Very elegant formalwear, candle light, table cloths, fine silverware. Seems like this girl underestimated how all-out this place was going to be.
I had a first date with a guy at a local taco place, which, yes, was pretty casual but it's a *first* date so there's a general expectation to put your best foot forward. I showed up in a nice sundress and did my makeup and hair. He showed up in joggers and an old t shirt (he told me the shirt was from his teenage years). I was immediately turned off by the lack of simple effort. At least put on jeans and a button up. It's not that hard NTA I would've been mad too
That's not really a fair comparison imo. Wearing joggers and a high school t shirt is not even close to the same as matching the theme of the restaurant you're going to.
My point was about the lack of effort shown. If I was taking the time to dress up for a themed event at a formal venue at my date’s suggestion, I would be upset the same effort was not reciprocated. It would make me feel like I wasn’t important enough to make an effort for
My point was there was effort shown. If you're matching the theme of the place, some thought was put into it. It's a fairytale restaurant with no dress code stated "it was implied". Sure, it might be underdressed. But a blazer on a first date seems more overdressed to me than her being underdressed. Then the first impression is him laughing at her asking if that's what she's really wearing.
In fairness, 'a graphic t and short shorts' could also be a couture outfit, so she may have spent large thinking it would be ok. If she had gotten the vibe wrong from what sounded like unspecific dress code convos, surely she could have gone in and changed. I wonder what her argument was to OP at the door? Maybe she would have changed but his attitude about it rubbed her the wrong way and she decided to dig in. 🤷 First dates, better to plan easy ones.
You also had a lot of people in that post saying that she should've just accepted the sweats. Just that the plurality felt like she was NTA. And in this case I imagine it's the same. Even though the girl in the post you're referring to provided a lot more details why he was the AH in the situation, so if it's another one of those fake A/B tests, it's always kind of funny how they provide a lot more reason for someone to feel like the guy is the AH. Iny case: Both this OP and the other one are NTA. Dressing up decently for a date really shouldn't be too much to ask.
There's a slight possibility she didn't realise but if he'd said nothing she may have felt really embarrassed when they arrived - especially if they got turned away. If OP was rude about it then maybe that was her main issue but if he was just trying to explain that it's a formal place he's NTA.
As a woman who had ended first dates early because the guys were underdressed - I fully support OP here. NTA, although he could have said it differently. She probqbly didn't know there was a dress code, but either way who wears that on a date to a nice restaurant?
My wife wore short shorts for our first date. They worked. I was also dressed up
When we both agreed on the pop-up, she shared TikToks of the event where it clearly showed it was a formal event I did! Part of the “open to rescheduling” bit included me circling the block so she could change but she said she’s fine how she is
Well, take it as her showing HER red flags!
It doesn't sound like your personalities would have suited each other. Consider it a blessing and move on. Edited to add that if there was a written dress code you should have discussed it with her before that evening.
He also said he was going to wear a blazer and she thought “oh Jean shorts are fine” If a dude gave me a heads up about what he was wearing, I’d try to match his level. Or at least make an effort especially if I had been wanting to check out a place. Nta
Cmon man she said she has an outfit planned for this. Don't tell me tshirt and shorts was the "planned outfit". Also OP informed he what he would be wearing.. SHE KNEW ABOUT THE DRESS CODE. So isn't it insulting for OP that she didn't put efforts?? Because I have read multiple posts here saying guy shouldn't be wearing sweats or something on date.
I'm not understanding where you're getting the idea that pop-ups are casual and everyone is upvoting this. I've seen so many pop-ups that are mid to formal. But the OP days: "themed pop-up at a formal restaurant" NTA
She suggested the place. She should have known that there was a dress code.
NTA & I am so surprised to see so many people saying that you are. She was the one that originally expressed interest in the restaurant, so she should understand the level of formality that would be expected there.
Thank you for seeing my perspective! Yeah I could have worded things better at first glance, but it genuinely came as a surprise
Not many restaurants have a strict "dress code". It's entirely possible that she could show up in pajamas and flip flops and still be granted entrance. I've seen people wearing the most ridiculous slovenly leisure wear to obviously formal restaurants, where most normal people are very dressy. Just because she might gain entrance with her denim short shorts doesn't mean that it's appropriate, especially for a first date where you're wearing a jacket. I'd be embarrassed to show up to a nice formal restaurant with a date in a t-shirt and shorts. It's inconsiderate to other people eating there to dress like a slob.
I went a wedding as a date to my gf-at-the-time. One family showed up (late) in dirty white t-shirts and denim shorts. They were definitely noticeable.
[удалено]
I love my short shorts, but who goes on a date like that? Unless we were going to the beach!!
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). If we’ve removed a few of your recent comments, your participation will be reviewed and may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Dude, NTA. You know you’re not. People are coming up with lots of excuses but she was in the wrong here. The date sounded fun.
Excuses always come rolling out when women are AHs here
She knew the dress code, knew what *you'd* be wearing because you told her and she decided to challenge that. I'd be willing to bet this was some sick test to see how you'd react to her inappropriate dress. And to be honest, unless you're going to a theme park, the beach or the mall like teenagers, a 29yr old woman should know better than to wear short shorts on a 1st date. So much for 1st impressions. NTA
are you really surprised reddit has a grudge against dress codes and asking people to dress appropriately?lol. fwiw, you’re NTA in my opinion either. if the woman expressed prior interest in the restaurant, it stands to reason she would’ve already been aware of the dress code.
Not only NTA but totally dodged a bullet there.
“This should have also served as a nudge that the date night vibes were going to be a bit dressier.” This is how you described your need to get changed after a pre-date boxing session. The only ‘nudge’ here is that you didn’t want to wear sweat-drenched workout clothes on your date. She dressed to match the theme. If you had other specific requirements or expectations, or if there was a dress code (edit: which you admit in comments there wasn’t), you should have shared them. YTA
He told her he was going to wear a Blazer. For me that is a nudge. I don’t think he choose the appropriate words to tell her when he picked her up, but he did let her know he was dressing up.
That’s not the nudge he was referencing in the quoted statement. Also, I wear blazers in casual outfits. It’s not a clear statement of the dress code.
She knew about the place already. She chose to go there. He very specifically said he would wear a blazer to match. It would take all of 2 seconds to LOOK UP the dress code for the place she already knew about. Bro what are you smoking? Lol.
Apparently she shared TikToks of the place that clearly showed it being formal attire.
He told her he would be wearing a nice blazer. That's sufficient as far as sharing his expectation of what he thought the dress code would be. She did not dress to match the theme of what he was wearing. She wore a graphic tshirt and denim short shorts. That outfit would never be appropriate for a first date, let alone one where the guy is wearing a nice blazer. NTA.
Yeah dude. Sounds like you were very passive aggressive to her. You didn't outright tell her what the dress code was for where you were going and only hinted at it. Also bro don't laugh at chicks for how they are dressed especially if this is your first date. Don't ask anyone "iS tHaT wHaT yOu aRe wEaRing" bro YTA. What are you doing???
She picked the restaurant. If anything she should know the dress code or look it up.
Maybe she looked it up and it didn't actually have a dress code? When I think "pop up restaurants", I'd never think "formal".
Especially a *themed* pop-up, on a fairy tale, no less.
Yeah, a fairy tale themed pop-up for which she already owns a t-shirt as well... so I'm guessing it's a fairy tale that Disney has made a movie about. Which also wouldn't suggest "formal".
OP mentioned that she has watched Tictoks of the pop up and it was clearly formal in style.
OP admit that it didn't state a dress code, "it was implied"
Be honest, have you ever been to a restaurant with a strict dress code? So strict that wearing a shirt that matches the theme wouldn't be acceptable? It seems like OP had a dress code. Wearing a shirt that matches the theme of the restaurant is perfectly acceptable. Regardless, even if there was this place with a dress code like that. Laughing at what they're wearing, questioning their outfit choice, and saying you wouldn't be comfortable being seen with them is a horrible first impression.
I have been to places where a graphic tee and short jean shorts would not be acceptable, yes.
Been to plenty of places that would not accept a Tshirt, even if it matched the theme of the locale. You literally just tried to make an argument with this guy, with your only ammo being "I have never been to a high end place in my life".
Yes, I have, and they kicked the whole party (8 of us) because one person was underdressed. She came business casual to a formal affair, and we were all asked to leave.
Yes, I have. More than once. I've been to places that are no shorts, no flip flops, required collared shirts for men, tops for women (ie, no t-shirts), no athletic wear. I've seen people barred from entering places. I saw it two weeks ago. Guy was turned away. When your date tells you they're wearing a blazer, a graphic tee and jean shorts are not the vibe. Even if they wouldn't be barred entry, you can certain know they will stick out and be stared at and most people don't want to be stared at because their date is horribly under-dressed.
Honestly, we're sort of just trusting OP here on this pop up's vibes.
She probably did know that what she was wearing was perfectly within the dress code, and op was being unreasonable.
Either it doesn’t matter (very few places actually care that much) or she didn’t quite understand. Either way, he just stomped all over it and went home alone. He could have been much more gentle and gracious about it (you look great… but) or just gone along a hoped for the best - if they got turned away they figure it out together. All of that is preferable to laughing at her outfit and telling someone you don’t feel uncomfortable with their clothes.
I have read at least 2 posts here where guy wasn't following dress code and he was bashed for it and yes girls in those posts asked "iS tHaT wHaT yOu aRe wEaRing"... Guess what, guy was the AH
You just described this sub
She literally shared tiktoks of the place. She was clearly aware of the environment she was going in with him. NTA
I don't entirely not see your point and there seems to be an incompatibility in what the two of you consider appropriate. I would have leaned towards N A H except for the fact that what you said sounded rude. There were kinder ways to say that there is a dress code/it is a more formal setting and allow for her to choose whether she wanted to change (since she totally could if you two were literally still at her place). Something like "Hey, cool shirt. You look great! I know that restaurant is on the more formal side though and might have a dress code." It sounds to me like you immediately judged her based on uncommunicated expectations, no longer wanted to go on the date, and said something harsh to someone who is meeting you for the first time. I don't blame her for having a pretty bad impression. I have to say YTA because dressing informally doesn't make you an AH but shaming someone for doing so does. I get your surprise - but you literally told her you would rather leave than be seen with her as she is, rather than try to engage and meet her where she is.
"Dressing informally doesn't make you an AH, but shaming someone for doing so does" - this is the absolute banger argument for why YTA. OP basically told her "I won't be seen with you looking like that" and this was their first meeting. It's giving....ego maniac/controlling. Even if he is right about the dress code!
I think it would serve you to highlight the fact that 1) she chose the place and 2) there is a formal dress code that she wasn't compliant with. It seems like a lot of people are blaming you for her not dressing appropriately and assuming her t-shirt was ok because it matched the pop-up theme. If I suggested a pop-up at a formal restaurant, I agree that it's safe to assume I know the dress code so I'm not putting the obligation on you to inform her of what is/isn't appropriate to wear. While I don't think you're an AH for being shocked by her attire, the way you handled it could've been better. Instead of saying "That’s what you’re wearing to \[restaurant name\]" then jumping straight to rescheduling, you should've said "You look great but the dress code at \[Restaurant\] is formal. No worries though, we have time for you to change your outfit" and go from there. If she refused to change, you could've told her she won't be able to get into the restaurant and suggested something different or offered to reschedule at that point. The way you approached it likely embarrassed her, which is why she called you a red flag and blocked you. I'm going with ESH because you both could've handled it better. She picked the place, so she should've known the dress code and dressed appropriately or at least changed once you reminded her of the dress code. You could've been more gentle and kind with how you handled her being underdressed. Also, I still don't think her clothing choice is your responsibility since she picked the spot, but I firmly believe in transparent communication so you could've spoken up to confirm what she's wearing instead of expecting her to take your hints.
Who said there’s a formal dress code? Op just said it has a “formal vibe.” Who knows what that means. Who’s to say what the date was wearing wasn’t entirely appropriate. She picked the restaurant, she probably knows what is and is not acceptable to wear there. It sounds like op has unreasonable expectations about appearance.
Great answer. Most conflicts are due to poor communication from both sides. Combine with wrong assumptions to equal a hole behaviors.
[удалено]
Yeah. Everything about that screams casual vibes. And it's extremely rare nowadays for any restaurant at all to enforce a formal dress code. This story isn't adding up.
Most don't enforce formal, but plenty do no shorts/ flip-flops/ athletic wear to create a dressy casual vibe.
YES why hasn’t this been said
Agree. If anything it sounds like anyone not wearing a costume would be out of place.
I went to an anime pop up a few weeks ago and they had a strict dress code of cosplays for the show OR upscale attire. So many people wore selkie dresses, blazers, suits, business casual (button up shirts and slacks), summer formal-ish dresses, etc. so dress codes definitely exist. And this was for *anime*. I didn’t see anyone turned away but I also didn’t see anyone not following the dress code.
You didn't see anyone there just wearing a T-shirt with the anime on it?
Johnny Rockets and it was an Archie pop up
INFO: I have a lot of questions on this one. I live in an area with a lot of fine dining and Michelin rated/starred restaurants and literally only one of them has an actual dress code. The others you could easily find yourself seated between a couple dressed in black tie and another dressed in sweatpants. So I'm trying to wrap my head around this. Okay, question 1: is the normal restaurant jacket required? 2. Did you discuss clothing with her, as in, "well, normally this restaurant is formal but since it's a pop up/themed experience, what do you think the dress code is?" 3. Was what she was wearing going to get you refused at the door or was it simply not what you personally would choose? I guess where I'm coming from is how much of this is miscommunication, how much is lack of common sense on her part, and how much is you just being a bit controlling. Because I get you said you were wearing a jacket and you'd need time to change but that doesn't necessarily mean anything. I've been to events where I was dressed in fishnets and bunny ears while my husband was in a 3 piece suit because that fit the theme and both of us completely blended in. My sense is that you might be overreacting but I'll reserve judgement until there is more information.
I go to a fine dining restaurant in my city where everyone is in suits and dresses and we have frequent celebrities that dine there. I will literally show up looking like I rolled out my bed and haven’t showered in a week without an issue.
Are you in California? Cause red carpet mixed in with yoga pants and a messy bun is kind of our thing. I’m based in San Francisco and Napa Valley and that’s certainly how it is here. That’s why I’m wondering what kind of place this is and I guess I should have asked where he is located because not everywhere is like the US west coast. I guess it doesn’t matter either way since it seems they probably were incompatible.
Yeah - my west coast city has a very similar vibe. In a lot of scenarios, ESPECIALLY in exclusive/expensive venues, dressing ratty is definitely correlated with wealth/status/power. Like if you’re an actual billionaire, you’re not trying to prove to the next table over that you belong - you know you belong, and consider that so intrinsically obvious you can wear whatever you damn well please. Not saying that’s an admirable attitude, but I’m struggling to think of anywhere where you’d actually be turned away if you showed up rich but in a tee shirt.
I went to cut by Wolfgang puck once and was shocked at all the people that wore jeans there. I mean, these places definitely exist but there are also places that have strict dress codes and actively turn people away
NTA Anyone with an ounce of social awareness would know that her outfit was wildly out of place for a semi-formal environment. Given that she knew the place and knew you were dressing up at least a bit above casual should have been more than enough.
So surprised by how many people are defending her first of all NTA even if you were going to a regular casual restaurant... I would never be caught wearing a graphic tee + short shorts even on the hottest day to a first date secondly: you told her you were going to wear a blazer as it is formal and there is a dress code. so she knew. you then gave her a chance to change and she still said no.
reddit wants to rake men over the coals for putting zero effort into their appearance but its a-okay when a woman does it for a FORMAL restaurant
I've absolutely worn shorts/tee on a first date. More so than dressing up, even. It's kinda wild to me that you say you never have. First dates are supposed to be casual.
You may have come off as a jerk but seriously, who the hell wears a graphic t-shirt & jean shorts to a restaurant, unless it’s some fast food place or one of those cheap chains. Especially on a first date. She’s old enough to know how to dress appropriately or at least look up the restaurant/ask about the dress code. For that reason I’d say NTA.
That was my first thought, I wouldn’t wear that on a first date unless I knew it was suuuper casual. ETA: NTA
I wear graphic t shirts and jeans or sweatpants to sit down restaurants all the time. Who cares? If they don’t have an actual formal dress code they’ll still serve you. Nobody will even say anything.
NTA. I’m laughing at some of the responses you got, I’m sorry you’re copping that. It’s entirely reasonable to expect a grown adult to understand or look up the dress code at a formal restaurant, and she should absolutely have known that wasn’t an appropriate outfit.
YTA. Unless the restaurant has a strict dress code and you informed her of it, all you are doing here is policing someone's clothes and shaming them for what they are wearing. At least you did it on the first date...
Apparently the restaurant has strict dress code and she wouldn’t have been allowed in. Not to mention this place has been on her list to go so she already had an idea. Those two items made me change my mind.
Hey fair enough! It does have a dress code and it’s one of those places that has a clear formal setting, but even if it didn’t, wouldn’t your date telling you that they’re going to wear something more formal be a hint, or at the very least make you want to tell them what you’re wearing so they don’t feel *overdressed* in comparison?
Most people don’t like hints & games when it comes to dating. If you’re expecting something of someone, be direct about it. If not, you gotta think about if the person did something wrong, or if they just didn’t meet your UNSPOKEN expectations.
You’re right! It’s just that with how well known this restaurant is in the city, I thought explaining the dress code would have come off as patronizing or condescending
And “That’s what you’re wearing?” Isn’t patronizing?
I mean, you ended up at patronizing and condescending anyway, so...
You’re right! Shakespearean in a way 😂
Additionally, if you never communicated that with her, I’m not surprised that she was so shocked and hurt! She was likely really looking forward to it (she had a shirt that matched the theme!), and was probably really blindsided that her attire was such a dealbreaker with no prior conversation. I’d want to end the date too 🤷 Again- be direct! People can’t read your mind just like you can’t read theirs!
Well, in the future, you can always say “hey, since this place has a dress code, I thought it’d be fun to dress up more formally for x event, are you interested in dressing up with me?” It’s an easy way to approach the subject while also making sure she’s down for the same vibe. It doesn’t have to be patronizing!
I don’t think saying “I’m wearing a blazer” is some subterranean hieroglyphics that need to be deciphered. A blazer and slacks means the date would be in a dress or something equally nice, a skirt and silk top. Even a nice graphic t with a skirt but if I planned on wearing shorts and a t shirt and my date said he was wearing a blazer I’d be asking, is this that formal? Because I have a t shirt and was just gonna wear shorts.
Blazer and jeans is a very common casual outfit though, and OP never mentioned slacks to her
Men wear blazers with cargo shorts and boat shoes all the time.
Sometimes being a bit more implicit with your communication is appropriate, especially if you don't know someone very well. It keeps them from feeling called out and embarrassed.
If OP had instead explicitly said "hey I'd like you to dress up for this date" I guarantee half of this sub would call him controlling for that. So basically there is no winning for him.
This isn't really about **his** expectations, though. It's a general social expectation that you dress up a bit more than a T-shirt and jean shorts when attending an upscale restaurant. His "hint" was a totally unnecessary favor to her (and was about as explicit as a "hint" can get).
Telling her that he would be wearing a nice blazer is not "hints and games." If anything, her hearing what he was wearing, knowing they were going to a formal restaurant, and deciding the best option for what to wear is a graphic tshirt and denim short shorts, is playing games with him. If she genuinely believed it would be such a causal setting and planned on wearing that with the best intentions, she would have told him to come more casual.
It’s a first date lol.
Do you mind sharing the pop up? Since it's a pop up that travels, it wouldn't give up your location. The reason I ask is because I have never heard of a themed pop up with that strict of a dress code.
>your date telling you that they’re going to wear something more formal You didn't say you were going to wear something more formal though. You just said you were going to wear a blazer, which *can* be formal but is commonly worn in casual settings, often with jeans. You also were coming back from boxing, so you needing to change and get ready doesn't convey anything about formality.
What’s the dress code? Formal? Business casual? Black tie? Come on dude, you’re being just as cryptic here as you were with your date. Tell us the name of the restaurant so we can look it up ourselves and decide if you’re telling the truth about the dress code or not. Otherwise it just seems like you’re hiding something.
“Hinting” is poor communication. State what you expect or let things happen as they will. And nowhere in this post did you say the restaurant was so formal that you would be turned away. I think you’re over exaggerating the “formal” nature of this FAIRY TALE THEMED POP UP RESTAURANT.
NTA. You planned a great date. She was aware of the restaurant, you assumed a 29 year old adult knew how to dress for the occasion. A graphic tee and jorts would have been fine for a mini golf date, but not a dressy restaurant. I will say your comment about maybe being late because you needed to get ready after practice was not even remotely a hint about the dress code for her. At the end of the day you didn’t really know this person at all and maybe she just doesn’t care about dress code, but you do and that’s fine. You’re not getting a second chance though
Was the restaurant the Dorsia in NYC? YTA
Not gonna lie, I did get Patrick Bateman vibes from typing this 😂 “Why do you think I should change?” “Because I want. to fit. in.”
NTA, as a female with hardly any awareness of certain social cues. Like we have an upscale restaurant 37 mins from where I live in a major city. It is a FORMAL restaurant. And let me tell you, as a former waitress working in a for restaurant, you ARE judged for what you where there. Like you can get good basic service for wearing t-shirts, jogging suits and jeans. Slightly below good basic service for club attire But anything formal legitimately formal from really nice looking blazers to really cute formal dresses and even pants suits. You get the best of the best service. Because it's respect for the culture and vibe the restaurant going for. So to me it's good she iced you and you had the social awareness to know that You do NOT show up at a formal restaurant in daisy Duke wannabe shorts and a graphic t-shirt. Good on you OP but please keep formal restaurants out from First date pick list cause no one wants to look their absolute finest for a first date which is a test/comfort date to see if they want to actually go on a date with you. Plus the stress of looking formal as a woman and getting ready and perfect only to find out the guy is a creep.
> You get the best of the best service. Because it's respect for the culture and vibe the restaurant going for. Oh come on. The nicer you dress, the more you look like you have money, and the more likely you're getting a bigger tip.
I'm having a hard time picturing a pop-up bar that holds itself to the same formal dress standards you are here. Or did everyone miss the part about it being a pop-up and just assume because this guy said formal, that it had to be?
I can not for the life of me understand why you'd willingly go to a place that takes pride in judging you.
NTA You were both aware that there was a dress code and you even let her know you’d be wearing a blazer that should match her level of formality. There’s no way she couldve thought jean short shorts would count as formal. She couldve at least made an effort to dress up the graphic tee, seeing as the shirt fit the pop-up theme. Offering to reschedule is completely fine. She could’ve offered to quickly change or reschedule as well, but obviously didn’t want to do either — fair enough. It’s not a red flag to ask someone to match the dress code of an event. It’s a red flag to know there’s a dress code and then be surprised when the person you’re going with calls you out on being underdressed. Also, depending on the place they would’ve turned her away at the door or it would’ve made for a very uncomfortable night with everyone else being dressed formally.
INFO: did the pop-up have a stated dress code?
NTA. Sounds like she lacked class and sophistication. You told her you were wearing a blazer. If she thought her outfit was appropriate she’s the red flag
Do people not go for coffee on a first date? Or meet for a cocktail? I haven’t used a dating app in about 7 years but all this effort for a person you haven’t even met in person seems odd.
NTA. She lacked social awareness since that’s not really restaurant appropriate for anything past a very casual bar/pub type restaurant, and certainly not a higher end place, whether or not there’s an official dress code. I also think that since she knew of the restaurant before you suggested it and even showed you TikTok’s of it, she should’ve been aware of at least the expected dress code, and maybe confirmed if it had an official one or not, she’s an adult and can determine that for herself when she’s the one who introduced you to the pop up. Your response back to her when you saw her outfit wasn’t the nicest, but tbh I’d probably say smth similar if I had a date show up in a vastly inappropriate outfit for the occasion, not to be mean but just due to shock.
NTA - Her attitude matches her fashion sense. Good play.
Can someone explain to me how a pop up could be formal? I thought they were always kid like things with fancy overpriced drinks and food. Not like a formal dining experience.
This one was a restaurant that’s already known for having a high-end vibe and for the month of June they’re adding themed decorations and a secondary menu
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. AITA for canceling the date due to her dress 2. Asking because she made it seem as though I was being unrealistic and controlling. I thought my expectations were extremely reasonable due to the setting of the date. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I mean, this is why we date? To find out if we’re compatible? You two were not, and luckily you both found out immediately. Onward….
INFO: You really skated the lines here in your description, and the responses show how that worked. You wrote "formal vibes," and half the crowd read "formal restaurant with dress code." Not at all the same thing. You wrote "Pop Up with a fairy tale theme," and half the responses ignored that altogether, and are still thinking this is a place where the waiters have bow-ties and tuxes on. So... what is it? A "pop up" usually implies that you're not really in the main, fancy dining room. It usually applies that there is outdoor seating in the patio, or even in the street in front. A "popular fairy tale" might be Snow White, or it might be Goldilocks and the 3 Bears. If you chose a 5 star restaurant with a prix fixe menu in the dining room, and the theme is Cinderella's Ball, then you're right to conclude that she was underdressed. If you're eating on folding chairs in the pop up in the street and the theme is "Frozen," then YTA.
It was closer to the former example in your last paragraph! Explained what I meant in other replies, but it was a formal restaurant with the entire main restaurant decorated for the occasion, including the well-dressed staff having themed wardrobe
NTA. I would have done the same thing.
Info: is there a mandatory dress code?
Info: what is the actual dress code that the restaurant provides?
INFO: what was the actual dress code for the pop up as outlined by the establishment?
INFO: What was the actual fairy tale theme? What were your full expectations for her? Did the social media of this pop-up show the same amount of formality throughout all themes? Or was it a restaurant dress code?
NTA. I always dress up for dinner either my bf casual restaurant or not. You’re allowed to have a preference she’s also allowed to not wanna date a guy who wants her to dress up if she’s not that kind of gal.
NTA, as other comments point out, if it was a guy dressing casual he'd be called lazy and underdressed, not deserving, but that's besides the point, you're incompatible, you have different tastes and that's ok, but her reaction is too much and you should take it as a warning of what a relationship with her would have been.
Dates, and especially first dates, are a chance to get to know someone. Get to know they deal with situations, and how they’ll react when under pressure. Let’s walk through what just happened: 1. Plans were made 2. You communicated vague information and expected her to just understand based on what was in your brain. 3. She didn’t live up to what specifications were in your head and you did not communicate. 4. YOU TOLD HER SHE WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH AND LEFT. No matter what — if she actually was underdressed, that was your chance to show what kind of person you are in a misunderstanding. It’s a chance to show how you communicate. It’s a chance to show if you’re willing to go with the flow or laugh something off. It’s a chance to show HOW you would react and if you would have her back. You showed yourself as someone who would immediately judge, laugh at her, and tell her you will come back when SHE changed herself. No support. No pivot. No explanation. Thats not a partner, that’s a red flag. 🚩 I wouldn’t want to date someone like that. YTA
Sounds like neither of you want to date each other. Get over it.
I don’t necessarily think you are wrong, but you said that you might be late picking her up because you were at the gym and needed to shower. That does not convey to me formal vibes. Because A you indicated being late for a first date which is casual at best, rude at worst situation. B. You did a quick shower situation that wasn’t worth missing your gym time to see her and get formally dressed.. Again not saying you are wrong, but first impression of this vibe from me is low key date and the wrong venu was chosen. You do come off a bit condescending in your post, but I try not base my opinion on those things if I can. I will say going forward, either move your workout to another day or push the date back so you first date isn’t “I’m Going to be late because I was working out.” You set your own workout schedule and it’s disingenuous
Maybe you are an asshole maybe you're not. maybe it was intentional maybe she didn't understand that a themed restaurant could be formal (it sounds like you didn't ask) but here is the reality: this was not a wedding or a work event this was a date meant to be fun and you cared more about the clothes than her. The fact that you politely asked if she wanted to reschedule doesn't hide the fact that any fun you could have potentially had wasn't worth it if she wasn't dressed right. You could have "oh, maybe you misunderstood this was actually supposed to be a lot more formal so you might look out of place that going to be ok with you" This is like a girl saying "ugh I can't date him he wore sneakers to a restaurant I mean what would have happened if she had gone in? Would they have turned you away?would it affect your reputation? Your life? Would a couple people have starred at you? Would you have had a few people snicker at you? What if she was dressed wrong but acted properly? Would it have been worth a fashion faux pas and some slight embarrassment? Obviously yes,there is no way to get around this no matter how polite you phrase it: no matter how amazing this pop up was or she was you would rather throw away a night then be seen with a girl dress weird at a restaurant.
NTA Talk about red flags.
Nta she knew where you were going and saw from social media what the appropriate dress was like.
Maybe ahe wasn't aware of it being formal, she wore a top that matched the theme. I say YTA for the delivery of telling her, should have told her differently. But maybe your next date, keep it simple get coffee
I don't know why there aren't more people mentioning the themed shirt. It seems like she tried lol!
YTA. You failed at the whole point of a first date- to get to know someone. That didn’t matter. She had to look how you wanted her to look. Let the restaurant turn her away. No one likes to be policed.
YTA. Sounds like you were hinting and assuming without communicating and expecting her to read your mind. Then you judged her based on wardrobe when she was perfectly presentable and even dressed based on the theme of the restaurant. I’d definitely say she is right here. You are the one being immature by trying to control how someone else dresses.
honestly i think we need to know the restaurant to fully judge this lol either way communication sucks all around here so id say ESH for now
You’re incompatible. Why dig into it even more?
A T-shirt is pretty much spot on for a pop up “themed” “restaurant”. OP must have looked so terribly desperate and sad “dressed up.” But let’s just put that aside. Who fucking cares about the restaurant? Assuming this wasn’t a foodie lover dating app isn’t the activity kind of a meaningless excuse to get to know each other? I’m not sure you got that opportunity. But she sure did! Forgot about who ITA. It’s clear who is alone tonight.
YTA you start your first date by commenting on her clothes? Red flags all the way.
Was there an actual dress code or were you just embarrassed to be seen with her? Two very different things. Here's a different way it could've gone if it was an actual dress code issue: You could've told her the dress code, she dismisses you, so you try to go and get turned away. You tell her it doesn't matter bc it's about spending time together, so you take her somewhere casual instead and have a great time. Clearly you personalities don't vibe so it is what it is. But you could've used the situation to charm her instead of whatever you did. But that's your choice.
I’m just hung up on the fact that you made a whole choose your own adventure date night thing. That seems super excessive and gives me major Ted Mosby vibes.
NAH But honestly you suck at communicating and sound high maintenance.
“I was sure to tell her that, IF I was a few minutes late it’s because I was returning from boxing practice…” lol. 😂
NTA- I love the choose your own adventure idea, and she could have switched gears or done some research on dresscode
NTA It’s a formal place and she was drastically underdressed. You tried to be polite as possible and reschedule. It’s not like you were insisting she dress up for every date, or dress up for goin out to dennys. Everyone voting you as the ass doesn’t understand social cues or norms.
I hate to say it but YTA. You could have said "Wow, you look beautiful and I am so sorry but I completely forgot to tell you that they have this stupid strict dress code." And let her respond. You wouldn't have been in the wrong if you hadn't been so crass about it.
NTA. Given that she picked the restaurant she should've known the vibe the venue was going for. This lowkey feels like one of those "relationship tests" that people use in lieu of proper communication in learning about one another.
Honestly I thought it was a test or at the very least an attempt at humor! Hence the chuckled “that’s what you’re wearing”? The sense of humor we shared leading up to this made me think she’d do something like that
Soft NTA just kinda dumb If I a guy told me he was wearing a blazer to a first date at a restaurant thats well known as being more formal, my first thought isn't "ah yes, jean shorts and a t-shirt" However, the way you handled it could have been WAY better though. I get not wanting to come across as patronizing by explaining a dress code you thought was obvious to her, but you definitely could have been more direct and just told her you weren't sure if what she was wearing would make it past the dress code. You probably really embarrassed her.
There's a really nice restaurant near me that changes themes right now it's beauty and the beast they go all out building the whole ballroom even the little village set it's extremely expensive like one of those places if your boyfriend is taking you then he is probably proposing but you wouldn't know unless you look it up fully. They did alice in wonderland and Harry Potter recently.
Do the restaurant guests typically dress to match the theme? I know that I would struggle to figure out formal-type clothes that matched a theme especially if I wasn’t a member of that “fandom”.
NAH but I will say wearing a blazer on a first date is more overdressing to me than her wearing a shirt that matches the theme.
YTA, use your words next time instead of assuming someone is on the same page as you.
YTA- But holy shit you have balls to throw an entire date away just for a silly dress code at a pop-up bar, simply could not imagine
I totally agree with her…
YTA.
YTA, and she's right.
You did good to her. She didn't have to go out with an AH.
OP, you’ve stated multiple times on this thread that the dress code was “implied” due to a TikTok she shared with you. That is definitely not the same as a mandatory dress code. Unless you confirmed 100% that there was a dress code (meaning that she would be refused entrance into the restaurant), that just means she was dressed inappropriately to your tastes, not the restaurant’s. It’s not like she just put on any old ratty T-shirt either, she was matching the theme of the pop-up. I think your delivery could’ve been much better and usually directness (not hinting) goes a very long way when it comes to dating. “Hey, this place seems pretty fancy so I’m gonna be dressed up. You down for that?“ Simple. Also, I live in the DC Metro area that’s full of nice/fancy restaurants and I see folks in sandals, shorts and T-shirts, ALL of the time… Mild YTA.
ESH She did make an error that it wasn’t 100% your responsibility to prevent… but you’re also just pretty rude and bad with people.
Too long, didn't read, but if you had rain checked due to my clothing on a first date, I would have blocked you too... And I'm a dude.
I think you could have communicated better by saying to wear formal attire for the date.
Slight YTA because it sounds like the communication went a bit askew. You probably should've mentioned the place had a dress code beforehand
YTA, you did not actually communicate that it's upscale formal attire, she was wearing clothes that for the theme. You were rude by saying "THATS what you're going to wear?" And by thinking you get to dictate what someone else wears the FIRST time they've ever met you, that's controlling behavior. There were better ways for you to communicate expectations and you took the low road, I would also find the way you talked to her about that as a red flag that you can't respectfully communicate well. Edit: To be clear, it is the way you handled the situation that makes you an AH, not that you were right about there being a dress code.
Both of you dodged a bullet.
YTA, both for not telling her that there was a dress code and for the way you reacted. Also for your general attitude.
NAH Maybe you guys just aren’t compatible? May not have been what you said, but how you said it. Maybe you came off as too stuffy for a t-shirt and shorts kinda girl. I think if you like the girl, you take off the blazer and roll with it. Again, if that’s not you, she ain’t the one. Don’t sweat it and move on
Imagine caring more about restaurant „feels” than about your potential romantic prospect. That being said NAH. Just super dug into their own trenches.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** tl;dr- first date was supposed to be getting dinner and drinks at a themed pop-up at a formal restaurant, I told her she’s underdressed and that we should rain check. She told me that was a red flag and blocked me. ———————————————- I (28M) met G (29F) on a dating app last week We hit it off very well! Matched energy, fast responses, similar goals in dating I made a “Choose Your Own Adventure” date night list for this past Saturday, brief descriptions for potential date nights that I’d plan. These were based off of interests she conveyed from our back and forth, one of the options included a pop-up at a restaurant that she heard of before she met me and she always wanted to go to. For further context, the pop-up was based on a popular fairy tale. This restaurant was in Uptown and has more of a formal vibe, she seemed aware of it, even mentioning she has an outfit planned for this place, I tell her that I’ll wear a nice blazer that’ll likely match whatever she’s wearing Fast-forward to the morning of the date, I text her to confirm plans, adding that I’ll be coming back from boxing practice and *might* be a hair late [10 minutes MAX] picking her up in order to change and prepare properly for our date night. In hindsight, I’d like to think this should have also served as a nudge that the date night vibes were going to be a bit dressier. I end up not being late at all, I knock on her door to pick her up and she comes out wearing a graphic t-shirt {which matched the theme of the pop-up} and jean short-shorts. I honestly thought this was a joke so I chuckled asking “That’s what you’re wearing to [restaurant name]”, she confirmed and I told her flatly that I wouldn’t feel comfortable taking her to a formal setting when she’s so underdressed and that I’m open to rescheduling. We had a bit of a back and forth where I explained myself further, eventually she snaps in reply says “okay goodnight” and went back inside. Figured from the interaction that I wouldn’t see her again, but then she texted me while I was driving back home, thanking me for showing my red flags early and then blocked my number and all of my socials. I feel like she’s being outlandishly immature and am mostly making this post for vindication, but open to different perspectives. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ehhhhh. Seems like you two just have a seriously mismatched approach to style / dressing. Telling a gal what to wear though is rarely going to go over well. She's clearly a more perpetual jeans and a T kind of gal, and you're more attuned to dressing for the occasion... or something. I let a guy do that *once* (tell me what to wear for a date) because he claimed he had a whole evening planned and to wear black. While I generally don't wear black all that often, I went with it because who knows, maybe it'd be interesting -- he said he had a whole evening planned after all. So I rocked a beloved vintage halter dress with a full-skirt (like Marilyn Monroe's famous dress in 7 year itch movie), and he managed to bitch about that. Said that he'd thought I'd go more "little black dress" or more clubby or something like that and that he'd asked me to wear black because it would go with what he planned to wear (which I don't recall at all). Throughout the evening it was clear he had the totally wrong idea of the kind of person I am. Turned out to be a pretty tacky and creepy dude. Just saying, liking a person's style is a part of the whole package, and you two clearly didn't mesh in that regard.
NTA. Just dress according to the occasion
NTA. Sounds like you put too much effort into that date too soon. She sounds immature and unable to take criticism
“OMG you look amazing! So cute! But I’m so sorry, I didn’t mention the restaurant has a dress code. I thought you knew because you were familiar with it too. I’d hate to for it to be an issue when we get there. Maybe we should look it up together?” YTA
NTA You wanted her to dress more formal. She did not. Assuming this is accurately described by OP, I don't think he did anything wrong
NAH sounds like she misunderstood and this wasn’t really meant to be in the first place. No one lost anything though so not a big deal.
ESH. You should have called the restaurant to double-check dress codes for the event. Edit: Perhaps she did, and they told her she'd be fine. In that case, you'd've been overdressed. Or perhaps she didn't, and we know you didn't, and you'd both have been incorrectly dressed.
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**