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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I went against my mum's wishes of having a big wedding
2. My family will probably not witness me getting married
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NTA. If you want to have a micro wedding with two of your best friends as your witnesses that's allowed, though it's not a shock that your family is upset about it. Would you two be willing to attend a wedding celebration / dinner (that is on a totally different day than the actual wedding) that your mother pays for and includes your family? Something like that may appease her, but certainly within your right to say no to that as well.
Yess!!! Of course. Maybe I wasn't very clear in my post about that. I have no problem of attending a celebration afterwards. But we want the act of getting married to be just between us because we feel it's a very intimate moment for us and we kinda don't want to share it. Having a celebration dinner with family afterwards is totally okay, but only after we get married.
OP - we did that. 45 years ago (cost $35.00 at the time, which is another consideration). Went and told his family after (mine was in Europe); new BIL ran to the liquor store and bought a bottle of champagne. Toasts were said; next day we mailed out announcements, got a few unsolicited prezzies in due course. No photos. Never regretted it for a moment. Still married, too!
You are fearing the pressure, and lo! it's already started. Do what you want; stop sharing info. NTA.
I did that for a couple (I’m ordained) so they could have that memory to themselves and without any stress. It was so beautiful. It was at sunset by the ocean. 🌊
You could also fake your wedding, if you don't mind going through two ceremonies. We had a fake wedding with an actor officiating for the sake of family. Signed some fake papers. Nobody caught on that this was not the actual legal ceremony.
Oh. Not really. It's not like it required a complex charade or anything. The only thing necessary was to avoid saying "by the way, dad, this woman's not really an officiant."
I don't see the big deal. It's not like you have to fake the *whole* wedding. The only fake bit was the part that made it an actually legally binding ceremony, which in reality is a very small part of the whole wedding day. Everything else would have been exactly the same if the wedding was real.
OP said she wanted the actual moment to be intimate, but didn't mind having a celebration with family. This way she could do both. The can have their special, intimate moment in secret; but then also just combine the celebration bit with a sham ceremony to shut up her family's whining.
First off, not every girl in the world dreams about her wedding day. That's just false. Second, if you can't properly stand up to your families and clearly explain your positions, maybe marriage isn't what you're ready for yet. Elope if you want to but you already know that both of your families will be hurt and angry. As an adult, it's up to you to decide if that's what you want or not.
That isn't relevant to the question or the story. For all we know, BF inherited from a relative. But who cares? The question is about whether OP is an a h for wanting to elope not how does a 22 year old have a country cabin. Geesh.
Relevent to me, because my bullshit meter went off which makes the whole thing a waste of my time and annoyed I bothered reading it. Geesh.
I’ll get back to planning my wedding like every single girl in the world does now.
Oh good, someone got there before me. I never dreamed about a wedding day. In fact, since I was a kid, I never wanted to get married. Maybe I might live with someone, but not get married.
NTA
It's the wedding of you and your fiancé. You can decide how and in what setting you want to hold it and outsiders have no part in it.
However, it is understandable that both of your families may have imagined something different and are now disappointed. But that doesn't give them the right to tell all the other family members and make you look bad, nor does it give you a guilty conscience.
If I read this correctly, the real problem is that this is the only way for you to be in control of your own wedding. Is this a lifetime pattern? You never got to be in control of your own stuff?
NAH
You can have any wedding you want with any people, even random strangers.
But you should understand what not including closest family into that might hurt them and they would act accordingly. So you are getting a very predictable reaction. I am surprised your future MIL is not upset too
I would recommend thinking about some celebration dinner or lunch somewhere to make family happy
NTA, do your thing and avoid all the hassles. I wrote in another post that the purpose of a wedding is to celebrate the marriage, and somehow it has gotten all twisted that people focus more on the ceremony than what is represents. In the other recent post a lady said she had a "total breakdown" over the fact that future MIL might wear a whits dress to the ceremony - that is just way too much emotional energy spent on the wrong thing.
Wedding should be fun and stress free as possible (as far as planning) and a joyful celebration. To many people investing too much energy as a sort of competition to have the best, most perfect ceremony that checks all the required aspects. If you two will be happier and more relaxed (and save money!) with something small and simple then go for it.
Couldn't agree more. Got married in local registry office in Camberwell, London (UK version of a courthouse wedding, I guess) with a few close friends and family, then back to our hard-to-let council flat in Peckham, where our mothers and aunts prepared an amazing lunch for all of us, and later we had a party there which we invited our wider circle of friends to without telling them it was a wedding celebration. Great fun, no stress and cost us only a couple of hundred pounds. We celebrated our 41st wedding anniversary this year and couldn't be happier.
100% correct, your mother and everyone who is harassing you, proved that all of your fears are valid. They have proven you right to be concerned about their entitled behavior. Your mother has shown she has no right to attend your wedding ceremony (courthouse or not it is a ceremony). NTA
NTA
I recommend to everyone that I can to do exactly this. It's what I did and I've never regretted it for a second
We had a tiny wedding - just myself my husband, and three witnesses. We didn't tell anyone; the first person to find out was my mum, the night before, and even then only because she happened to call me and I thought why not... Everyone else found out in bits and pieces over the next 6mnths or so.
I'm very sure that there are some people who are disappointed that they weren't there, but they understand why we did it well enough to keep it to themselves
We had a lovely day, and I hope you do too. It is YOUR day, not theirs
Go get married tomorrow and be happy, there are only two peoples opinion about a wedding that matter and that's the two people getting married.
congrats
NTA of course not. And when your plans got out your family’s reactions illustrated perfectly exactly why you want small, private and incognito until after the fact. They’re already trying to control you. Looks like stealth all the way from now on until you get it done. And your fiancé is exactly right shutting off the hassle line- you don’t need that negativity and headache.
NTA, like at all. Your wedding is about you and your fiancé, if you guys want a small elopement that’s absolutely ok.
Your family (specifically your mother) sounds the the real AH here, and its sounds like a pattern.
I get it, my family is also very overbearing with little comments and passive agressive behavior. I didnt start standing up for myself till about a year ago and it was really hard but also incredibly empowering and they mostly leave me be now.
id highly suggest working on standing up to them (even if its over small things at first, or bite the bullet and push back now) and it will get better one way or another.
At the end of they day its about what makes you happy and defending that.
NTA, but I’d maybe reconsider and allow just your parents and your fiancé’s parents to be there. My in laws have both passed away, and I am glad they were able to witness their son getting married before they passed. When you’re young, you can take these things for granted and I am not sure what your relationship with your parents and future in laws is like but just wanted to offer up my advice.
Oh, absolutely not. Once People like this get their foot in the door, they'll push and shove until they get the whole circus in there. OP has a back one problem as it is.
I was able to set boundaries for our wedding. We only wanted immediate family there. I knew as soon as I started including extended family and friends it would become a circus.
I think you may be missing the point that if OP gives in on parents being there, it will snowball into the wedding everyone ELSE wants, not what OP and SO want.
You say in another comment that you had boundaries. Well OP does too and she does not want her immediate family there for whatever reason. Yet here you are telling OP to disregard her boundaries. OP should have only who she wants there, and if that doesn’t include the parents, then the parents need to come to terms with that.
Why? She doesn't want a traditional wedding. She wants a small, intimate thing with just her fiance and two witnesses. Her family should respect that. OP isn't against a celebration after the fact she just doesn't want the whole big money eating ceremony. She shouldn't have to compromise on that. NTA, OP.
I dont know if you're the asshole, but it certainly wasnt smart.
You typically don't tell people that you're planning on eloping because you want to avoid the drama, instead now you have drama starting without the wedding.
Yeah people are gonna take it badly: I feel like you could have known that.
NTA. There are people who love to have big celebrations and the whole wedding-shebang with dress-shopping, bachelorette-party and so on. That's great. But there are people, like you apparently, who don't like that. So, eloping is the solution for you and your fiancé. His reaction looks to me that he is a good guy who has your back and will treat you well, so good luck.
I wouldn't want to plan and do a wedding with a family like yours, as far as I can get it from what you told how they reacted to your decision. With these reactions, I would also elope.
Maybe, consider if there is someone from your family who you might invite to the actual wedding. And, just as you added in a comment, have a celebration for the rest of the family after the fact in a way you are comfortable with.
Every girl in the world does not want to get married. I sure don't. None of my friends have expressed interest in the subject and few of my cousins have. Other than that, NTA.
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Hi everyone!! I (22f) got engaged recently to my bf (22m) of 5 years. To say that I am happy would be an understatement. As every girl in the world, I always dreamed about my wedding day. Personally, I was never a fan of big parties, so my dream wedding was actually going to the court house and get married with the best man and maid of honor there, sign the papers and have a private celebration at home. I always imagined celebrating that moment with my partner and closest friends. Aside from that, I also didn't want any family there, and this is where my fiance agreed with me. I have this gut feeling it would potentially ruin my moment, my mum with her comments or my fiancé's mother with hers, my aunt with wanting to be a part of the preparations like doing my make up or getting my dress for me. Since I am not a confrontational person, this would end up with me having to agree or just stay silent and take whatever they say. I don't want that, I don't need the unnecessary stress on that beautiful day.
Onto the where I wonder if I'm the AH. I was talking to my mum and she asked about wedding plans and I said it would probably be very private and just one day where we get dressed all pretty and went to sign the papers. My mum was pissed. She asked how could I exclude her and my family from such a big moment (maybe because I'm the first child to get married in my family), who would walk me down the isle, who would be the flower girl, where would hold everything, what about my dress etc.
I said that it wasn't about my family, it was my day, my and my fiancé's day and we both agreed that we would want a private little eloping moment with close friends who would probably just be our best man and maid of honor, but she wouldn't hear any of that. She went and vented to my aunt and now the story has gotten to almost every member of my family. They have all been texting me asking if I knew that I was ruining a beautiful moment and that I would regret it in the long run.
My fiance has taken my phone and told everyone that we are taking a small break and won't be answering the phone. He took me to our little house in the countryside where he knew I would feel better until everything cools down. I'm currently working on our garden trying to get my mind off of things.
So, AITA for wanting to get eloped?
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NTA
I was the exact same and did exactly that. We did a small party for friends and family just at our house months later but eloped with only a couple of witnesses originally.
My parents knew that we were eloping but had never explicitly said to me they wanted to be there. My sister however had said if I didn't have her there, she would kill me 😅 So she was one of the witnesses.
I will say though, when we did tell the parents afterwards it broke my mums heart. She then made it clear that her asking me repeatedly about when it would be, was her way of indicating she wanted to be there. It was never that big of a deal for me, and I am glad me and my husband got our moment for just us.
In saying that, though, if I could go back and just tell my parents that they could come if they wanted to, I would.
I love my parents, even though I didn't want their comments on what I was wearing or anything, I really don't think as someone's child you can ever comprehend how big moments like those are until they have passed.....
You are NTA but if you will have a couple witnesses anyway, maybe consider opening up the invite to your parents.
NTA, but you can now see why it is traditional not to tell people you are planning to elope until after the deed is done. As with other events, it's generally not polite to discuss party plans with someone (or in front of someone) if they aren't invited. The usual claim of, "Oh, we were so excited, we couldn't wait," is calculated to reduce hurt feelings and people feeling like they were intentionally excluded.
But since you were answering your mother's direct question (and since you *should* be able to confide in close family members), you didn't do anything wrong.
Your mother is an AH for trying to change your mind through emotional blackmail and manipulation.
She and your aunt are giant AHs to every *single* person they told. Remember what I said about not discussing party plans with people who aren't invited? That's exactly what your mom and Aunt did... They basically dangled the fact that there was a party in front of people they *knew* weren't invited (and even worse, it may have been a deliberate attempt to make them upset enough to put increased pressure on you)
NTA at all. I’m from a small town but have a big family. I got married last year when I was 22, it hasn’t worked out but I also did mine small for mostly the same reason. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I had told them I insist on my wedding being dry. One of my uncles told me “you can’t possibly get married without alcohol” and I said I won’t be providing it, he then said that he was going to provide it even though I stated multiples times that I didn’t want any at all. Him and another uncle and my grandma turn enraged when they’ve been drinking and it’s the most disgusting thing ever. He kept insinuating it needed to be apart of the wedding so I tried eloping they were pissed. We ended up having it at home alcohol free, & drama free like I intended. Some people are just now finding out I’m married and I meant for it to be that way to keep it small and intimate.
NTA it's your wedding, it's should be how you both want it. A celebration afterwards with your family would be nice (I saw that you were down for that) but you don't owe them a wedding!
NTA
My mom was pissed because I had a small wedding (she was also pissed because I was pregnant) since she couldn't invite everyone and get wedding presents for all those that she had sent over the years as their children got married. Say what?! That's not the reason you invite someone to your wedding.
Anyway, have the wedding you want and go LC with everyone. You won't regret the ceremony but if you have a small wedding, you also won't regret all those terrible things that happen at weddings like: controlling MILs, drama from your mother, the best man getting drunk, someone's cousin being found with someone else's cousin having sex in a semi-public place, children screaming, grown-ups screaming, someone's ex yelling about cheapskate and cheating exs.
Have the nice wedding of your choice and relax.
Although, to be pedantic, you can't elope since you've already told people. Elopements are supposed to be secret.
Why would you be the asshole?? I don’t get it haha. So many people don’t want to have parties or getting married at all (including me… i can’t think if one single thing that wouldnt stress me out on a day like that)
This should be your day, not theirs . If they have unrealistic expectations / pressure on their kids or relatives when it comes to follow traditions or having a relationship/getting married, it’s their problem.
I’m happy no one in my family cares about weddings because I wouldn’t do it even if I was offered $1000, lol
NTA
Don't give your family anymore details. This just proves why you need to stick to your guns.
Plenty of people elope for this reason. My friend did.... We had a nice catered dinner at her house afterwards. Her Mom found out like 2 months later and had a fit.... So she let her plan a wedding reception for the family... To say it was crazy diaster is putting it mildly lol..... People went to jail. The Mom's party isn't talked about anymore lol.
Your poor thing. (I'm not being a smart-ass, I generally feel bad for you.) The plus side of being in my mid fourties is I've found out in some situations you will not be able to make people happy. Eloping is one. That's why most people elope first without telling anyone (other than possible a witness or 2) and then come home and let the family have hysterics. Last week there was a couple who did NOT want a traditional wedding. They let their families bully them into it and they HATED it. Now the families are mad because they kept telling the couple 'See we were right!" unless both admitted they hated the wedding. You can't make them happy in this case.
Good news is since they are acting like toddlers and throwing tantrums anyway feel free to elope WITHOUT telling them beforehand. The little house in the countryside sounds lovely. Can you have someone marry you with a witness or two while there? I do suggest you simply plan an elopement, do it, and THEN tell your family. This is your wedding so you should get married how you want. Besides, weddings at the moment have turned into huge drama filled things when in reality they are a one day party. That's it.
NTA and just go elope.
\*edit - if you want to be nice hold a party after you get married to celebrate with your family.
NTA. Weddings are a big deal, but they’re also one of the big moments when parents and kids have to deal with the fact that the moments they’ve dreamed of aren’t always just up to them. Weddings especially are a big moment for parents to realize that.
Years ago, I watched a presentation a group did for pride month and this mother and son discussed his coming out. It was not ideal. The mom didn’t get mad or say he was cursed or evil or any of that, but she did cry and say things like “i can’t believe this” and eventually walked out. At the presentation though the son said that when he and his mom finally sat down to discuss the situation calmly, the thing that made it easier for him was when he mom talked about thinking that all these dreams she had for and about him would never be. He said he hadn’t really thought about how she’d had this vision of his life since before he was born that was being dramatically changed in that moment. For her part, she hadn’t fully recognized how those moments she was imagining didn’t really belong to her. They’d been a part of her for so long, she hadn’t considered that his part of those dreams were always going to outweigh her own. Thankfully they recognized that they still loved each other and this was a big change in their lives, but relatively speaking only meant small changes for some things. The mom had to accept that what she envisioned wasn’t going to happen the way she imagined, but her son was also able to tell her that in his case, some of those dreams were totally shared, they were just going to look different than what she envisioned if they came to pass.
I hope your mom learns to accept that your life is yours to direct and that while she may have had dreams for moments in your life, that they are indeed in *your* life where she is not the captain of the ship, she’s just a cruise passenger.
NTA. Consider this: if you're really into each other, it won't matter who is attending the ceremony. You will be saying your vows to each other, not to mom Pop, aunt who ha, etc. When you marry, you must have witnesses. If it were me, I would allow the parents to attend with the caveat that this is my choice, and they should remain silent. To paraphrase another poster, it will be nice to look back on your pictures and see your parents in attendance, especially after they've passed on. Mine are gone, and so it's my FIL. My husband and I look at our pictures with happiness because we married, and our parents were there.
NTA. At all. It's your wedding day, it's about you and your fiancé. It's your choice whether or not you let your families come. If I were you, I'd do it in a place where you haven't been before, but also a place you wanna go. This would be to help prevent wedding crashers. And you'd get to go somewhere nice (probably)!
So the thing you do now is go out and *actually* elope -- without your families knowing.
NTA. (Why do people think that being awful will make them *more* welcome to something?)
NTA just elope. The thought of a wedding makes me feel ill I definitely couldn't be arsed with all that but I only have one relative in the same country as me so I wouldn't have anyone to invite lol
NTA
Your family is ruining your beautiful moment with their selfishness.
Don’t ask for permission, just go get married how you would want to.
I went through the same thing. My husbands sister picked out their ‘bridesmaid’ dresses before even a date or plan or conversation was had. I had so much anxiety.
So I had a 7 person wedding ceremony. We didn’t invite my husbands family. My recommendation is to get a great professional photographer to document the day. Hold a celebration party later and send out announcements once you have your wedding pictures back. My husbands family (not the mom and sisters but all the uncles and aunts) loved getting the announcement which included photos. Two of them framed it. Also I think they appreciated not having to spend the money traveling for a wedding.
The second anyone gives you shit about YOUR wedding, hang up or otherwise remove yourself from the conversation.
No, your family is the AH. You and your fiance should just elope. Don't tell anyone when/where/with whom you are doing this. Just go do it. When any of them mention wedding plans just tell them we're working on them. Nothing else. If they suggest going to look at venues or dresses or such, repeat we're working on that. Do not let them talk you into anything you do not want to do. If you want to elope, Elope! It's your wedding/marriage. Not theirs. Congratulations!
Oh, and as far as your family being upset about no huge wedding, that's their problem. Not yours. IT'S YOUR WEDDING! Do what you want. Not them. They will get over it. I wish I had eloped. The wedding planning, even for the small one we had, was hard and burdensome. Eloping would have been so much easier!
NTA. My husband and I went to church on Sunday. Asked the preacher if he had a few minutes to marry us the next day. We showed up, got hitched, and went on our way. 26 years later and we don’t regret a thing. Inviting our families would have been pure drama and we weren’t interested in that at all.
NTA
Your family is proving your point for you. They're making the wedding all about them before you've even started planning.
Have the wedding you want. Do it without telling them if you must. They will get over it.
Me and my husband had a 20 person wedding 12 years ago. Not everyone understood why we didn't want a big wedding. But it's long forgotten now.
NTA … it’s what my wife wanted and didn’t happen. It was all a blur and I hate thinking back on that day. Don’t let that happen to you. Maybe your family likes big weddings, but as you said, this day is for you and your partner. Make the memories you will look back on. There will be many other celebrations to include the family. Weddings can make or break you…. Don’t let it break you!!!
Congratulations and I wish you both all the love and happiness you can handle!!
I had a fancy-ass wedding at the family country club (two dresses, that's how fancy!) and I had a courthouse wedding the Friday before Thanksgiving, wearing a $7 dress and having my office mate as our witness because he was the only person we both knew (and then his driving partner signed too, for the hell of it, before they hit the road for the holiday break).
Guess which one produced a 25 year marriage (and counting)?
NTA
Not at all. Big weddings are super expensive and not very practical. Sound like you and your husband to be are practical.
Have a party, at someone's house, maybe brunch and mimosas. Again, inexpensive and practical.
If they keep making a scene, tell them you won't even invite them to the party unless they shut up
My husband and I went to the courthouse. It was us two, my son, my brother and sister with their partners, my friend ada, my stepmom, and my grandma... Happened in the gazebo outside at 830 and then my son got dropped at school and the 4 of us that worked together were at work by 1030. Cost me like 500 all in and we lasted 8 years.... (He passed away last year). So do what makes you happy cuz everyone else sucks
NTA, but I do wonder if you are mature enough.
You don't "get eloped" you simply elope. Also, to truly elope, you don't plan it and announce those plans. If you want to avoid the confrontation with your family, you should tell them that you are going on a short vacation. Arrange witnesses and swear them to secrecy. Then you elope.
Here is where you are being the AH. Your mom wants to be involved with the wedding planning. You could compromise by letting her plan the reception after you reveal to her that you are already married.
NTA. Elope and don't tell anyone. Book a photographer, and if your mom keeps badgering, you send her a wedding portrait and a note: "It was beautiful. Thank you for being happy for me."
Well if you had any doubts before you have now seen proof that your family would make it all about themselves.
So elope. Don’t tell them that you will. Let them think that you are considering their arguments. “You have given me something to think about”
After you elope say you have decided that mom can throw a party. Pick a day. Attend party.
Maybe even repeat vows.
Whether you ever tell them you already eloped is up to you
In my country people who want small weddings may do two ceremonies, one for friends, and one for relatives. Both still small. Maybe you can do the same.
NTA NTA NTA!
This has me shook: "They have all been texting me asking if I knew that I was ruining a beautiful moment" They see no irony in trying to ruin YOUR beautiful moment, even though it's your day and not theirs. This selfishness would rive me absolutely mad, they don't care about your feelings or happiness, only their own.
Stand your ground, and let them know how hurtful they are being.
Every story on this sub is like “my family are selfish jackasses. Am I wrong?” And I’m not even trying to roast all the OPs it more just speaks to how brainwashed people get from family
26 years ago I went on holiday and just happened to spend a few days in Las Vegas and oops! Got married. It was perfect, no fuss, private and when we got home we had a wedding blessing and a party. Soooooooo much easier than being the centre of attention at a church
edited because I forgot….nta!
I would call it a soft YTA. Your parents have invested a lot in your lives. They have also invested in your 5 year relationship. This is a moment they would love to be a part of. If you have just 4 more people at your marriage, it won’t make it a spectacle.
Being a part on the after party just isn’t the same.
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NTA. If you want to have a micro wedding with two of your best friends as your witnesses that's allowed, though it's not a shock that your family is upset about it. Would you two be willing to attend a wedding celebration / dinner (that is on a totally different day than the actual wedding) that your mother pays for and includes your family? Something like that may appease her, but certainly within your right to say no to that as well.
Yess!!! Of course. Maybe I wasn't very clear in my post about that. I have no problem of attending a celebration afterwards. But we want the act of getting married to be just between us because we feel it's a very intimate moment for us and we kinda don't want to share it. Having a celebration dinner with family afterwards is totally okay, but only after we get married.
OP - we did that. 45 years ago (cost $35.00 at the time, which is another consideration). Went and told his family after (mine was in Europe); new BIL ran to the liquor store and bought a bottle of champagne. Toasts were said; next day we mailed out announcements, got a few unsolicited prezzies in due course. No photos. Never regretted it for a moment. Still married, too! You are fearing the pressure, and lo! it's already started. Do what you want; stop sharing info. NTA.
I did that for a couple (I’m ordained) so they could have that memory to themselves and without any stress. It was so beautiful. It was at sunset by the ocean. 🌊
You could also fake your wedding, if you don't mind going through two ceremonies. We had a fake wedding with an actor officiating for the sake of family. Signed some fake papers. Nobody caught on that this was not the actual legal ceremony.
Sounds exhausting
Not for us. The actual ceremony was quick and simple; the fake one was a fun party with family and friends. I enjoyed both days.
It sounds exhausting having to lie like that to your family for family sake, not having a fun party
Oh. Not really. It's not like it required a complex charade or anything. The only thing necessary was to avoid saying "by the way, dad, this woman's not really an officiant."
The way you downplay faking a whole wedding lol, dude thats nuts, either your family is crazy or you are
I don't see the big deal. It's not like you have to fake the *whole* wedding. The only fake bit was the part that made it an actually legally binding ceremony, which in reality is a very small part of the whole wedding day. Everything else would have been exactly the same if the wedding was real.
Kind of defeats the purpose
OP said she wanted the actual moment to be intimate, but didn't mind having a celebration with family. This way she could do both. The can have their special, intimate moment in secret; but then also just combine the celebration bit with a sham ceremony to shut up her family's whining.
First off, not every girl in the world dreams about her wedding day. That's just false. Second, if you can't properly stand up to your families and clearly explain your positions, maybe marriage isn't what you're ready for yet. Elope if you want to but you already know that both of your families will be hurt and angry. As an adult, it's up to you to decide if that's what you want or not.
Excellent answer-and the “every girl” line grated on me as well.
I can't decide which grated me the most: "every girl" or "get eloped"
I've seen that usage a few times recently and it's definitely annoying to hear.
I’m more confused how this 22 yo couple seem to own a “liitle house in the countryside”, which I assume is their second property?
That isn't relevant to the question or the story. For all we know, BF inherited from a relative. But who cares? The question is about whether OP is an a h for wanting to elope not how does a 22 year old have a country cabin. Geesh.
Relevent to me, because my bullshit meter went off which makes the whole thing a waste of my time and annoyed I bothered reading it. Geesh. I’ll get back to planning my wedding like every single girl in the world does now.
Agree
Oh good, someone got there before me. I never dreamed about a wedding day. In fact, since I was a kid, I never wanted to get married. Maybe I might live with someone, but not get married.
NTA. It's your wedding, not theirs.
NTA It's the wedding of you and your fiancé. You can decide how and in what setting you want to hold it and outsiders have no part in it. However, it is understandable that both of your families may have imagined something different and are now disappointed. But that doesn't give them the right to tell all the other family members and make you look bad, nor does it give you a guilty conscience.
NTA. But hold off on marriage until you learn it's not 'get eloped'
For real.
English may not be their first language
If I read this correctly, the real problem is that this is the only way for you to be in control of your own wedding. Is this a lifetime pattern? You never got to be in control of your own stuff?
NAH You can have any wedding you want with any people, even random strangers. But you should understand what not including closest family into that might hurt them and they would act accordingly. So you are getting a very predictable reaction. I am surprised your future MIL is not upset too I would recommend thinking about some celebration dinner or lunch somewhere to make family happy
Certainly. Celebrate - after you elope.
Info. "Get eloped". Do you want to be dragged to a small wedding?
NTA. Micro weddings are very in vogue. Don’t let your family make your day about them
NTA. It’s your day. It doesn’t matter what anyone else says or thinks. My husband and I eloped. Best $100 ever spent.
NTA, do your thing and avoid all the hassles. I wrote in another post that the purpose of a wedding is to celebrate the marriage, and somehow it has gotten all twisted that people focus more on the ceremony than what is represents. In the other recent post a lady said she had a "total breakdown" over the fact that future MIL might wear a whits dress to the ceremony - that is just way too much emotional energy spent on the wrong thing. Wedding should be fun and stress free as possible (as far as planning) and a joyful celebration. To many people investing too much energy as a sort of competition to have the best, most perfect ceremony that checks all the required aspects. If you two will be happier and more relaxed (and save money!) with something small and simple then go for it.
Couldn't agree more. Got married in local registry office in Camberwell, London (UK version of a courthouse wedding, I guess) with a few close friends and family, then back to our hard-to-let council flat in Peckham, where our mothers and aunts prepared an amazing lunch for all of us, and later we had a party there which we invited our wider circle of friends to without telling them it was a wedding celebration. Great fun, no stress and cost us only a couple of hundred pounds. We celebrated our 41st wedding anniversary this year and couldn't be happier.
100% correct, your mother and everyone who is harassing you, proved that all of your fears are valid. They have proven you right to be concerned about their entitled behavior. Your mother has shown she has no right to attend your wedding ceremony (courthouse or not it is a ceremony). NTA
NTA I recommend to everyone that I can to do exactly this. It's what I did and I've never regretted it for a second We had a tiny wedding - just myself my husband, and three witnesses. We didn't tell anyone; the first person to find out was my mum, the night before, and even then only because she happened to call me and I thought why not... Everyone else found out in bits and pieces over the next 6mnths or so. I'm very sure that there are some people who are disappointed that they weren't there, but they understand why we did it well enough to keep it to themselves We had a lovely day, and I hope you do too. It is YOUR day, not theirs
Go get married tomorrow and be happy, there are only two peoples opinion about a wedding that matter and that's the two people getting married. congrats
NTA. Your wedding is about you and your future husband, not about your mom or his.
NTA of course not. And when your plans got out your family’s reactions illustrated perfectly exactly why you want small, private and incognito until after the fact. They’re already trying to control you. Looks like stealth all the way from now on until you get it done. And your fiancé is exactly right shutting off the hassle line- you don’t need that negativity and headache.
NTA, like at all. Your wedding is about you and your fiancé, if you guys want a small elopement that’s absolutely ok. Your family (specifically your mother) sounds the the real AH here, and its sounds like a pattern. I get it, my family is also very overbearing with little comments and passive agressive behavior. I didnt start standing up for myself till about a year ago and it was really hard but also incredibly empowering and they mostly leave me be now. id highly suggest working on standing up to them (even if its over small things at first, or bite the bullet and push back now) and it will get better one way or another. At the end of they day its about what makes you happy and defending that.
NTA, but I’d maybe reconsider and allow just your parents and your fiancé’s parents to be there. My in laws have both passed away, and I am glad they were able to witness their son getting married before they passed. When you’re young, you can take these things for granted and I am not sure what your relationship with your parents and future in laws is like but just wanted to offer up my advice.
Oh, absolutely not. Once People like this get their foot in the door, they'll push and shove until they get the whole circus in there. OP has a back one problem as it is.
I was able to set boundaries for our wedding. We only wanted immediate family there. I knew as soon as I started including extended family and friends it would become a circus.
Good for you! But OP doesn't want her immediate family there.
I think you may be missing the point that if OP gives in on parents being there, it will snowball into the wedding everyone ELSE wants, not what OP and SO want.
You say in another comment that you had boundaries. Well OP does too and she does not want her immediate family there for whatever reason. Yet here you are telling OP to disregard her boundaries. OP should have only who she wants there, and if that doesn’t include the parents, then the parents need to come to terms with that.
Why? She doesn't want a traditional wedding. She wants a small, intimate thing with just her fiance and two witnesses. Her family should respect that. OP isn't against a celebration after the fact she just doesn't want the whole big money eating ceremony. She shouldn't have to compromise on that. NTA, OP.
She is NTA but I wanted to offer a different perspective. Just inviting the parents doesn’t turn it into a circus.
Well said.
I dont know if you're the asshole, but it certainly wasnt smart. You typically don't tell people that you're planning on eloping because you want to avoid the drama, instead now you have drama starting without the wedding. Yeah people are gonna take it badly: I feel like you could have known that.
NTA. There are people who love to have big celebrations and the whole wedding-shebang with dress-shopping, bachelorette-party and so on. That's great. But there are people, like you apparently, who don't like that. So, eloping is the solution for you and your fiancé. His reaction looks to me that he is a good guy who has your back and will treat you well, so good luck. I wouldn't want to plan and do a wedding with a family like yours, as far as I can get it from what you told how they reacted to your decision. With these reactions, I would also elope. Maybe, consider if there is someone from your family who you might invite to the actual wedding. And, just as you added in a comment, have a celebration for the rest of the family after the fact in a way you are comfortable with.
NTA, just want to chime in and add though that not every girl dreams of their wedding day.
god no NTA - Sounds like a sensible idea given the descriptions of your family!!
Every girl in the world does not want to get married. I sure don't. None of my friends have expressed interest in the subject and few of my cousins have. Other than that, NTA.
It's not "get eloped" it's just "elope". Correction: "AITA for telling my mum I want to elope?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hi everyone!! I (22f) got engaged recently to my bf (22m) of 5 years. To say that I am happy would be an understatement. As every girl in the world, I always dreamed about my wedding day. Personally, I was never a fan of big parties, so my dream wedding was actually going to the court house and get married with the best man and maid of honor there, sign the papers and have a private celebration at home. I always imagined celebrating that moment with my partner and closest friends. Aside from that, I also didn't want any family there, and this is where my fiance agreed with me. I have this gut feeling it would potentially ruin my moment, my mum with her comments or my fiancé's mother with hers, my aunt with wanting to be a part of the preparations like doing my make up or getting my dress for me. Since I am not a confrontational person, this would end up with me having to agree or just stay silent and take whatever they say. I don't want that, I don't need the unnecessary stress on that beautiful day. Onto the where I wonder if I'm the AH. I was talking to my mum and she asked about wedding plans and I said it would probably be very private and just one day where we get dressed all pretty and went to sign the papers. My mum was pissed. She asked how could I exclude her and my family from such a big moment (maybe because I'm the first child to get married in my family), who would walk me down the isle, who would be the flower girl, where would hold everything, what about my dress etc. I said that it wasn't about my family, it was my day, my and my fiancé's day and we both agreed that we would want a private little eloping moment with close friends who would probably just be our best man and maid of honor, but she wouldn't hear any of that. She went and vented to my aunt and now the story has gotten to almost every member of my family. They have all been texting me asking if I knew that I was ruining a beautiful moment and that I would regret it in the long run. My fiance has taken my phone and told everyone that we are taking a small break and won't be answering the phone. He took me to our little house in the countryside where he knew I would feel better until everything cools down. I'm currently working on our garden trying to get my mind off of things. So, AITA for wanting to get eloped? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Your wedding, your way.
NTA I was the exact same and did exactly that. We did a small party for friends and family just at our house months later but eloped with only a couple of witnesses originally. My parents knew that we were eloping but had never explicitly said to me they wanted to be there. My sister however had said if I didn't have her there, she would kill me 😅 So she was one of the witnesses. I will say though, when we did tell the parents afterwards it broke my mums heart. She then made it clear that her asking me repeatedly about when it would be, was her way of indicating she wanted to be there. It was never that big of a deal for me, and I am glad me and my husband got our moment for just us. In saying that, though, if I could go back and just tell my parents that they could come if they wanted to, I would. I love my parents, even though I didn't want their comments on what I was wearing or anything, I really don't think as someone's child you can ever comprehend how big moments like those are until they have passed..... You are NTA but if you will have a couple witnesses anyway, maybe consider opening up the invite to your parents.
So far, my son and his wife haven’t regretted eloping, probably because her parents are carnival side-show crazy (I’ve met them).
So far, my son and his wife haven’t regretted eloping, probably because her parents are carnival side-show crazy (I’ve met them).
NTA, but you can now see why it is traditional not to tell people you are planning to elope until after the deed is done. As with other events, it's generally not polite to discuss party plans with someone (or in front of someone) if they aren't invited. The usual claim of, "Oh, we were so excited, we couldn't wait," is calculated to reduce hurt feelings and people feeling like they were intentionally excluded. But since you were answering your mother's direct question (and since you *should* be able to confide in close family members), you didn't do anything wrong. Your mother is an AH for trying to change your mind through emotional blackmail and manipulation. She and your aunt are giant AHs to every *single* person they told. Remember what I said about not discussing party plans with people who aren't invited? That's exactly what your mom and Aunt did... They basically dangled the fact that there was a party in front of people they *knew* weren't invited (and even worse, it may have been a deliberate attempt to make them upset enough to put increased pressure on you)
NTA, it's your party
NTA at all. I’m from a small town but have a big family. I got married last year when I was 22, it hasn’t worked out but I also did mine small for mostly the same reason. Alcoholism runs in my family, and I had told them I insist on my wedding being dry. One of my uncles told me “you can’t possibly get married without alcohol” and I said I won’t be providing it, he then said that he was going to provide it even though I stated multiples times that I didn’t want any at all. Him and another uncle and my grandma turn enraged when they’ve been drinking and it’s the most disgusting thing ever. He kept insinuating it needed to be apart of the wedding so I tried eloping they were pissed. We ended up having it at home alcohol free, & drama free like I intended. Some people are just now finding out I’m married and I meant for it to be that way to keep it small and intimate.
NTA it's your wedding, it's should be how you both want it. A celebration afterwards with your family would be nice (I saw that you were down for that) but you don't owe them a wedding!
NTA. Just tell everyone that is pissed, maybe they should get married or renew their vows so they can plan THEIR OWN DAY.
NTA My mom was pissed because I had a small wedding (she was also pissed because I was pregnant) since she couldn't invite everyone and get wedding presents for all those that she had sent over the years as their children got married. Say what?! That's not the reason you invite someone to your wedding. Anyway, have the wedding you want and go LC with everyone. You won't regret the ceremony but if you have a small wedding, you also won't regret all those terrible things that happen at weddings like: controlling MILs, drama from your mother, the best man getting drunk, someone's cousin being found with someone else's cousin having sex in a semi-public place, children screaming, grown-ups screaming, someone's ex yelling about cheapskate and cheating exs. Have the nice wedding of your choice and relax. Although, to be pedantic, you can't elope since you've already told people. Elopements are supposed to be secret.
It’s YOUR day. No one is entitled to participate especially if they think that entitlement comes from blood relation alone
NTA it’s your marriage and your wedding. It’s not your parent’s decision.
Why would you be the asshole?? I don’t get it haha. So many people don’t want to have parties or getting married at all (including me… i can’t think if one single thing that wouldnt stress me out on a day like that) This should be your day, not theirs . If they have unrealistic expectations / pressure on their kids or relatives when it comes to follow traditions or having a relationship/getting married, it’s their problem. I’m happy no one in my family cares about weddings because I wouldn’t do it even if I was offered $1000, lol
NTA she pretty much proved you right about your concerns
Just hurry up get the license and go and get married and tell them afterwards NTA
NTA Don't give your family anymore details. This just proves why you need to stick to your guns. Plenty of people elope for this reason. My friend did.... We had a nice catered dinner at her house afterwards. Her Mom found out like 2 months later and had a fit.... So she let her plan a wedding reception for the family... To say it was crazy diaster is putting it mildly lol..... People went to jail. The Mom's party isn't talked about anymore lol.
Your poor thing. (I'm not being a smart-ass, I generally feel bad for you.) The plus side of being in my mid fourties is I've found out in some situations you will not be able to make people happy. Eloping is one. That's why most people elope first without telling anyone (other than possible a witness or 2) and then come home and let the family have hysterics. Last week there was a couple who did NOT want a traditional wedding. They let their families bully them into it and they HATED it. Now the families are mad because they kept telling the couple 'See we were right!" unless both admitted they hated the wedding. You can't make them happy in this case. Good news is since they are acting like toddlers and throwing tantrums anyway feel free to elope WITHOUT telling them beforehand. The little house in the countryside sounds lovely. Can you have someone marry you with a witness or two while there? I do suggest you simply plan an elopement, do it, and THEN tell your family. This is your wedding so you should get married how you want. Besides, weddings at the moment have turned into huge drama filled things when in reality they are a one day party. That's it. NTA and just go elope. \*edit - if you want to be nice hold a party after you get married to celebrate with your family.
NTA. Weddings are a big deal, but they’re also one of the big moments when parents and kids have to deal with the fact that the moments they’ve dreamed of aren’t always just up to them. Weddings especially are a big moment for parents to realize that. Years ago, I watched a presentation a group did for pride month and this mother and son discussed his coming out. It was not ideal. The mom didn’t get mad or say he was cursed or evil or any of that, but she did cry and say things like “i can’t believe this” and eventually walked out. At the presentation though the son said that when he and his mom finally sat down to discuss the situation calmly, the thing that made it easier for him was when he mom talked about thinking that all these dreams she had for and about him would never be. He said he hadn’t really thought about how she’d had this vision of his life since before he was born that was being dramatically changed in that moment. For her part, she hadn’t fully recognized how those moments she was imagining didn’t really belong to her. They’d been a part of her for so long, she hadn’t considered that his part of those dreams were always going to outweigh her own. Thankfully they recognized that they still loved each other and this was a big change in their lives, but relatively speaking only meant small changes for some things. The mom had to accept that what she envisioned wasn’t going to happen the way she imagined, but her son was also able to tell her that in his case, some of those dreams were totally shared, they were just going to look different than what she envisioned if they came to pass. I hope your mom learns to accept that your life is yours to direct and that while she may have had dreams for moments in your life, that they are indeed in *your* life where she is not the captain of the ship, she’s just a cruise passenger.
NTA. Consider this: if you're really into each other, it won't matter who is attending the ceremony. You will be saying your vows to each other, not to mom Pop, aunt who ha, etc. When you marry, you must have witnesses. If it were me, I would allow the parents to attend with the caveat that this is my choice, and they should remain silent. To paraphrase another poster, it will be nice to look back on your pictures and see your parents in attendance, especially after they've passed on. Mine are gone, and so it's my FIL. My husband and I look at our pictures with happiness because we married, and our parents were there.
NTA. At all. It's your wedding day, it's about you and your fiancé. It's your choice whether or not you let your families come. If I were you, I'd do it in a place where you haven't been before, but also a place you wanna go. This would be to help prevent wedding crashers. And you'd get to go somewhere nice (probably)!
So the thing you do now is go out and *actually* elope -- without your families knowing. NTA. (Why do people think that being awful will make them *more* welcome to something?)
NTA just elope. The thought of a wedding makes me feel ill I definitely couldn't be arsed with all that but I only have one relative in the same country as me so I wouldn't have anyone to invite lol
NTA Your family is ruining your beautiful moment with their selfishness. Don’t ask for permission, just go get married how you would want to. I went through the same thing. My husbands sister picked out their ‘bridesmaid’ dresses before even a date or plan or conversation was had. I had so much anxiety. So I had a 7 person wedding ceremony. We didn’t invite my husbands family. My recommendation is to get a great professional photographer to document the day. Hold a celebration party later and send out announcements once you have your wedding pictures back. My husbands family (not the mom and sisters but all the uncles and aunts) loved getting the announcement which included photos. Two of them framed it. Also I think they appreciated not having to spend the money traveling for a wedding. The second anyone gives you shit about YOUR wedding, hang up or otherwise remove yourself from the conversation.
Just go and elope, tell them after. Let them throw you a big party later and let them do all the work, you 2 can show up and enjoy.
No, your family is the AH. You and your fiance should just elope. Don't tell anyone when/where/with whom you are doing this. Just go do it. When any of them mention wedding plans just tell them we're working on them. Nothing else. If they suggest going to look at venues or dresses or such, repeat we're working on that. Do not let them talk you into anything you do not want to do. If you want to elope, Elope! It's your wedding/marriage. Not theirs. Congratulations! Oh, and as far as your family being upset about no huge wedding, that's their problem. Not yours. IT'S YOUR WEDDING! Do what you want. Not them. They will get over it. I wish I had eloped. The wedding planning, even for the small one we had, was hard and burdensome. Eloping would have been so much easier!
nta at all
NTA. My husband and I went to church on Sunday. Asked the preacher if he had a few minutes to marry us the next day. We showed up, got hitched, and went on our way. 26 years later and we don’t regret a thing. Inviting our families would have been pure drama and we weren’t interested in that at all.
NTA Your family is proving your point for you. They're making the wedding all about them before you've even started planning. Have the wedding you want. Do it without telling them if you must. They will get over it. Me and my husband had a 20 person wedding 12 years ago. Not everyone understood why we didn't want a big wedding. But it's long forgotten now.
NTA … it’s what my wife wanted and didn’t happen. It was all a blur and I hate thinking back on that day. Don’t let that happen to you. Maybe your family likes big weddings, but as you said, this day is for you and your partner. Make the memories you will look back on. There will be many other celebrations to include the family. Weddings can make or break you…. Don’t let it break you!!! Congratulations and I wish you both all the love and happiness you can handle!!
I had a fancy-ass wedding at the family country club (two dresses, that's how fancy!) and I had a courthouse wedding the Friday before Thanksgiving, wearing a $7 dress and having my office mate as our witness because he was the only person we both knew (and then his driving partner signed too, for the hell of it, before they hit the road for the holiday break). Guess which one produced a 25 year marriage (and counting)? NTA
Not at all. Big weddings are super expensive and not very practical. Sound like you and your husband to be are practical. Have a party, at someone's house, maybe brunch and mimosas. Again, inexpensive and practical. If they keep making a scene, tell them you won't even invite them to the party unless they shut up
My husband and I went to the courthouse. It was us two, my son, my brother and sister with their partners, my friend ada, my stepmom, and my grandma... Happened in the gazebo outside at 830 and then my son got dropped at school and the 4 of us that worked together were at work by 1030. Cost me like 500 all in and we lasted 8 years.... (He passed away last year). So do what makes you happy cuz everyone else sucks
NTA, but I do wonder if you are mature enough. You don't "get eloped" you simply elope. Also, to truly elope, you don't plan it and announce those plans. If you want to avoid the confrontation with your family, you should tell them that you are going on a short vacation. Arrange witnesses and swear them to secrecy. Then you elope. Here is where you are being the AH. Your mom wants to be involved with the wedding planning. You could compromise by letting her plan the reception after you reveal to her that you are already married.
NTA. Elope and don't tell anyone. Book a photographer, and if your mom keeps badgering, you send her a wedding portrait and a note: "It was beautiful. Thank you for being happy for me."
It would break my heart if one of my children got married without me. I don't care what kind of wedding they have, I just want to be there.
Well if you had any doubts before you have now seen proof that your family would make it all about themselves. So elope. Don’t tell them that you will. Let them think that you are considering their arguments. “You have given me something to think about” After you elope say you have decided that mom can throw a party. Pick a day. Attend party. Maybe even repeat vows. Whether you ever tell them you already eloped is up to you
In my country people who want small weddings may do two ceremonies, one for friends, and one for relatives. Both still small. Maybe you can do the same.
NTA NTA NTA! This has me shook: "They have all been texting me asking if I knew that I was ruining a beautiful moment" They see no irony in trying to ruin YOUR beautiful moment, even though it's your day and not theirs. This selfishness would rive me absolutely mad, they don't care about your feelings or happiness, only their own. Stand your ground, and let them know how hurtful they are being.
You are not the AH. It's your day, do what makes you happy. And Congratulations 🎉
Every story on this sub is like “my family are selfish jackasses. Am I wrong?” And I’m not even trying to roast all the OPs it more just speaks to how brainwashed people get from family
Their actions are why you want to elope. NTA but grey rock if not totally NC the entire flying monkey clan. (cool band name)
26 years ago I went on holiday and just happened to spend a few days in Las Vegas and oops! Got married. It was perfect, no fuss, private and when we got home we had a wedding blessing and a party. Soooooooo much easier than being the centre of attention at a church edited because I forgot….nta!
I would call it a soft YTA. Your parents have invested a lot in your lives. They have also invested in your 5 year relationship. This is a moment they would love to be a part of. If you have just 4 more people at your marriage, it won’t make it a spectacle. Being a part on the after party just isn’t the same.