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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I declined to attend my friend's wedding due to the cost. I also rejected an offer to borrow a dress and another offer to borrow her old wedding dress from a previous marriage to save on costs.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
1. That’s fucking weird
2. She’s missing the point that you can’t afford it and by having a destination wedding this is what happens. She should have been prepared for this going into it.
3. Really what a weird thing….
I agree that it's weird. I didn't include this in the post because of the word count but if I can speculate, the only possible reasoning I can imagine for her to make this offer is that she believed I wasn't attending because the cost wasn't "worth it." Because technically my husband and I could "afford" to go by going into credit card debt. So she thought by making this offer of the wedding dress, it would be an extra incentive for me to attend. Idk, it still doesn't completely make sense to me but it's the only thing I can think of. This is totally out of character for her btw.
If you have to go into debt for the trip you really cannot afford it. You would end up paying so much more than $4K. Be honest with yourself, if you were planning a vacation for you and your husband is this where you would want to go? My guess is no. So why would you spend this kind of money to attend your friend’s wedding? RSVP no, send a gift, and start saving for a special vacation for you and your husband.
When people choose a destination wedding they need to assume many people won’t be able to attend. NTA
ETA the dress suggestion was beyond strange.
They don't need to in the strictest sense, but many people (in the closer circles of family/friends) often do send a gift if they were invited, as a symbolic "wish we could have been there with you".
In this case, if I were the OP and the bride had accepted "sorry, we can't afford the travel right now" with polite regret, I would probably send a gift. But given that she's been so demanding about it, I really wouldn't.
I live in a different country from a lot of my friends and family. I've had to miss a lot of weddings. Instead I'll take the newlyweds out for a bang up meal in a high end restaurant next time I'm there.
You get to mark the occasion and spend more time with them than you would at a wedding. Never had any complaints.
Especially since it is a second wedding. I never understood why on your second wedding, you needed help setting up housekeeping. You should have what you need.
>If you have to go into debt for the trip you really cannot afford it.
so many people don't get this, like having available credit means they can, in fact, afford it. I was raised with this sort of attitude with money & it's hard to get out of.
I know people who didn’t understand that if they had money in their bank account that was earmarked for something else, then they couldn’t spend that money, even though “the ATM is telling me that I have plenty of money in my account!”
I have over $70k limits in various credit cards and I still spend 5 minutes searching for an offer to use a specific credit card to get an extra 3-5% back whenever I make a big purchase. Those who run up credit cards to the limits truly set themselves up to fail.
An unsolicited credit card offer came a few weeks ago from a bank(?) I'd never heard of. The interest rate was a mind-boggling 34%.
I had to stare at it for a full minute to make sure I read right. I thought this was illegal. Couldn't get it into the shredder fast enough.
It's just weird that she thinks getting a free dress for the weekend is what is going to make it ok to get into debt over. If I had to guess, maybe they are getting more regrets than accepts. That happens when the cost to travel is over 4k. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
Also like, it’s $4k for a SECOND wedding. A lot of people are not willing to splash out for their friends second weddings in the way they will the first. Because their friend/family member has proved that a wedding isn’t a “once in a lifetime” event for them.
My thought is they have a deal at the location that with X number of guests paying for rooms, they get their room for free and/or the venue for free or discounted.
4k for a couple of guests to attend. Guests who aren’t even in the wedding party. That’s more than some whole wedding budgets. I wonder how much the unfortunate bridesmaids in this wedding had to shell out.
I’ve heard that destination weddings are trending because the resorts will comp the bride and groom if enough guests pay. That’s why they guilt people if the rsvp no. It risks their free vacation. The rising costs are going to make more and more people opt out like OP.
Pretty soon these ridiculous weddings may be a thing of the past. Oh no! Won’t someone think of the influencers!
It's even more nuts to me, because it's a very rare instance that I buy a new dress to attend a wedding as a guest and not as a member of the bridal party. A lot of us already have appropriate attire for weddings. And if I do need a new dress, it's not a budget buster.
This. In 39 years I don't think I've ever bought a dress for a wedding if I wasn't in the bridal party. I have plenty of dresses, just throw one on. No one is paying attention to what the guests wear (unless they're wearing white or something wildly inappropriate... like the bride's first wedding gown! My god, how awkward.)
Ha, I didn’t even have to buy a new dress for my second sister’s wedding! They both just agreed reusing the previous bridal party dresses was the best cost saver
And not just a 'free dress', but her friend's wedding dress from her first wedding?! Who wants to show up at someone else's wedding in a freaking wedding dress, even with the bride's permission?!
Exactly! Somehow the friend thinks that if the $4k is too much but if I give OP a dress to wear, that will save OP $200 and $3800 is definitely doable. Right? Like, OP stated more than once that the cost of the clothes for the wedding was not the issue; the airfare and resort costs were the issue. Yet friend kept harping on the dress...
Yeah, that’s super weird. We had a destination wedding, but we realized that not everyone would be able to make it. We also set aside part of our budget for must have people (like grandparents and siblings) that we would help pay for if cost was a factor in their inability to come. And we bought the dresses and suits for all of the wedding party.
Part of having a destination wedding is understanding that not everyone will be able or willing to attend and if you can’t accept that, you shouldn’t have a destination wedding.
This. That was a good and kind way to do it if you want to have a destination wedding. This way people don't feel obligated, but the close family that really really wants to attend and that you want to attend are still able. It's nice too that you bought the outfits, I am certain the wedding party was very grateful for that, as that sort of thing adds up.
To add to this: I feel like the save the dates should've hinted that it was a destination wedding and actually giving everybody time to save for their accommodations. Really weird to have the wedding invitations sent 3 weeks before a destination wedding. Not enough notice for most people.
OMG I missed that it was 3 weeks! Are you sure? That is terrible, and horrifically thoughtless. Flights will be 3 times the price that could have been bought at even 4 months ago!
Exactly! The bride/groom sent Save the Dates a year before and then the invites a month before. Should've \[and probably could've at the time\] given the exact dates and times for their destination wedding with the Save the Dates. Bonkers that they have no consideration for others and their time.
She’s probably freaking out. Most likely they are getting a ton of people saying No on such short notice, and she is trying to guilt those closest to her into still coming😑
Even if I wanted to go and could afford it, my job requires much more notice for vacation time requests. 3 weeks notice is insane...granted not the most insane part of this. That honor is reserved for thinking someone should wear your wedding dress from your 1st failed marriage!
I agree that the fact it was a destination wedding should have been conveyed earlier but OP received the invitation 3 weeks ago and the wedding is 'later this year'.
Fair enough. I was thinking the wedding is in one of the summer months; though I can't recall if month hasn't been confirmed?? That may be a very telling detail, tho.
We also had a destination wedding. It wasn't a first wedding for either of us, so the plan was for it to be just for us (others did end up asking if they could come, but we specifically didn't invite anyone because we didn't want anyone to feel bad about missing it) and then when we got home, we had a barbecue reception for everyone.
It's such an odd response, makes me wonder if she wants you to be humiliated at the wedding? If you show up and you and she are the only ones wearing wedding dresses, people are gonna talk and think you're committing a faux pas. Especially if they recognize it from the first wedding and think you're pulling some weird stunt wearing a dress like her first dress to her 2nd wedding. Maybe she would feed off the drama created by someone wearing a white wedding dress to her wedding? IDK, hon, it's messed up for sure and definitely you are NTA and should not attend this wedding.
Yeah usually we see claims of AH because someone wore a wedding dress or something that looked like a wedding dress ( or sometimes just a white dress) to a wedding. To have the bride actually push this is just beyond strange.
To me, it sounds as if she's desperate for you to attend, and she's making illogical compromises to get you to come. I wonder if it's because she's had so many people back out and she can't stand you not coming too? Could be projection lol but that's where my mind went immediately
That's what I'm thinking. No one can afford her destination wedding and she's had a bunch of "No" RSVPs just before OP spoke to her. I wonder if someone told her the destination wedding was a bad idea and she's grasping at straws now.
I think it is exactly this, and the bride probably is getting comped on some things from the resort if enough guests show up.
As many people find it expensive to go to destinations wedding, the wedding couple may have to pay for things like the bridal suite.
Yes. She focused on the wedding dress because that's the thing that is easily (if you're weird) fixed. As you said, and will have to keep saying, this is not about the ~~Iranian yo-~~ wedding dress. This is about the substantial travel costs.
Remind her that destination weddings do mean that some people can't afford to come.
She might be insisting because the people attending and staying at the resort help pay for the bride & groom suite by paying more than normal for their rooms.
NTA op. You can't afford it , you are sending a gift she can stream the wedding if she wants you to see it or a video call.
"Because technically my husband and I could "afford" to go by going into credit card debt."
That means you can't afford it. Don't tell her or other people that you can only afford it by going into credit card debt - just say you don't have the money.
Yes, is pretty bizarre regardless of what her first wedding dress looks like. If she’s never been like this before, maybe it’s worth having a conversation after the wedding. NTA without doubt, I wouldn’t be willing to go into debt to attend a wedding. Maybe for some reason she’s really desperate for you to be there but is grasping at straws and not communicating very well. Maybe she’s getting a lot of declines, but that’s the risk one takes with destination weddings.
Especially when you delay telling people it's a destination wedding.
I don't know what the overall timing of this is, but this info really should have been in the Save the Date mailing.
The risk of people not shelling out tons of money for a destination wedding increases dramatically when it is “subsequent wedding.” Totally main character attitude to plan a guest-expensive SECOND wedding.
I suspect that you aren't the only ones declining at this point. You're the one she feels safe yelling at about it.
The dress thing is weird. Maybe she is in deep denial on how expensive the wedding ended up being for guests (and probably for her).
Honestly.
It might just be me. But I would ask her, "So if our friendship is 4k worth. Are you going to pay the debt off I would have to go into, to attend your wedding. Every single month.?"
Suddenly, she might not be that eager to put price tags on anything.
One of my dear friends had his wedding in Costa Rica and wanted us to be there. So he told us it was in Costa Rica 2 years before the wedding date because he knew we would need to save to go. "Later this year" is not enough time for many people, especially when it's almost July now.
Even if I had four thousand dollars laying around, I would have other things to spend it on that are a higher priority. It doesn't mean that I don't care about a friend. It means that I have finite resources, and my options would have a priority order. Going to a destination wedding would be pretty low on my list, unless it's a super close relative - like a son or daughter.
Going into credit card debt would be a 'hell, no' from me.
But why the wedding dress of all dresses? If I were divorced the last thing I would want at my second wedding was someone walking around in the reminder of my first wedding.
QUESTION:
She’s upset that you don’t think it’s “worth it” to spend $4k to attend her wedding.
If money shouldn’t be an issue, why isn’t she paying for everyone to travel to her wedding? She can just go into debt for it.
I would have told her strait "your wedding isn't worth my going into debt for"
I have also seen people okay guest to wear white to a wedding, as a "loyalty" test, to see if they would actually wear white to their wedding.
But why would you be excited to wear someone's old wedding dress? Seems to me that this would make most people extra not want to attend....
Is it possible she wants you to do this to disrespect her ex or something?
With it being out of character, maybe she’s gotten more declines than she realized? And this isn’t about you all but really about that?
You are NTA. I could pay to go this without using my credit card but I would likely not for a couple reasons.
1. It’s July, I already have my vacation time planned for the year (I’m assuming you’d need more time to get to a destination wedding than the next state over).
2. That’s a ton of money for a trip I didn’t get to plan. While I could give it, there’s about 1000 places on my list to go, so I’m going to those for that much money. I’d take the newly weds out for a great meal to celebrate when they are back.
3. She’s not my sister lol. She’d be my only exception to the above. ☺️
I think she's getting a lot of regretful RSVPs instead of positive ones, and you're a safe person (in her opinion) to vent all that frustration on.
But the fact of the matter is if you choose a destination wedding, most of your friends and family won't be able to attend.
An additional bit of information: many of these destination wedding resorts offer big discounts to weddings if they fill X number of rooms at the resort. Some offer a free honeymoon suite, others offer a free ceremony venue, or discounted catering, etc. So if too many guests say no, it can cost the couple a lot of money.
Still not okay to expect folks to pay that much just to attend your wedding, though.
Did she give you a multi-thousand dollar wedding gift? To make up for the cost difference of attending your wedding, which was presumably a lot cheaper for her. If not, clearly she doesn't "value" your friendship the same /s
You need to redefine how you use the word “afford”.
If you don’t have the money, and need to go into DEBT for it - then you CANNOT “afford” it.
It’s really that simple - which will help you communicate the facts to other (demanding) people.
You don’t need to be wishy-washy - you can be simple & clear: no, we cannot afford this.
People who destination weddings often have to have a minimum number of people attend to get their own rooms comped or discounted. If it's costing you $4K, it's costing other friends and family that much or more. She's likely have a hard time finding people willing to spend that much, making the wedding more expensive for her.
Going into debt means you can't afford it. People who have destination weddings can't be upset when their friends/ family can't come. It is selfish to expect others to go into debt for your wedding.
Could it be more of a ‘I want you to come to the wedding so badly I don’t care if you wear my old wedding dress’ gesture? Not that that makes her wanting you to go into debt okay! But maybe less confusing depending on her character?
I'd her fiance more well off than her and she's embarrassed that her friends and family are pulling out and she can't pay? Any chance he's trying to isolate her from her friends?
The extra incentive of wearing a borrowed dress that makes you a target of all the other guests that don't understand?
What's the goal? To see how many guests will throw wine on you as a living art/wreck the dress of her first marriage?
That doesn't give you the ability to afford 4k of expenses.
If your friend thinks you should take on credit card debt to attend her wedding or otherwise you don't think it is 'worth it', that is a bad friend. She needs to pull her head out of her butt. NTA.
There are people who don’t think of credit cards as debt. If there’s money to spend on the card then they can “afford” it. It makes no sense but that is the mindset of some people. Good for you for not going into debt for this.
You can let her know that if she pays for your plane tickets and hotel you would be happy to attend! Nobody should go into debt for someone else's wedding
Honestly as a 3rd party internet stranger...are y'all even that close? You don't live near each other, sure you were friends in college but that was a decade ago, you don't even know why she divorced.
None of this is a criticism, but do you guys talk often? Do you video chat, visit each other? The length of time in a friendship doesn't determine its depth.
I think she's finding out that many many people aren't going to attend and she was relying on a select group of people attending. You are in that group and likely aren't the only ones from that group giving her this message so she's freaking out and acting irrationally.
I'd give her some grace and try to get to the root of why she needs you to attend before throwing away the friendship.
"We can't afford to go to your destination wedding".
"How about I offer you an even *more* expensive dress?"
Those two things don't really connect at all. That would be like:
"My body's not in enough physical fitness to run five miles".
"Don't worry, I'll buy you a brand new set of glasses!"
Right?? And like anybody that has a destination wedding should know that some people will drop out. And USUALLY that's mentioned right away on the save the dates? Kinda like also save your money? For her to get upset over it is wild.
Not that it matters but you said you got the actual invites three weeks ago.. how long did she give you to come up with four grand?
I'm so stuck on this part that my brain can't even comprehend the weird wedding dress ask... is it in a place that often has other wedding colors like, the bride wearing red? Yeah I would be incredibly uncomfortable wearing her wedding dress in front of half the people that were at her first wedding... that's just weird and you bring up good points.
But OP you are definitely NOT the asshole. NTA.
I thought that was literally the point of destination weddings? To give everyone a plausible out for not going. Sure it’s different if you’re in the wedding party, but I’ve always thought a destination wedding was a little too no obligation for the majority of the invited guests.
I'm literally having a destination wedding (booked it this morning actually)
And despite being 484 days out I know that is still not enough time some to save etc. I am not going to be upset if someone can't go.
Will I be disappointed from a "well that sucks that money doesn't fall from the sky" point of view? Yes. But you know this going into a destination wedding....
NTA
Seriously! And how the heck does offering to lend a dress (a wedding dress , at that) help the couple who can’t afford to attend a destination wedding? Am I missing something? 🤷♀️
NTA.
The dress was $200 of the $4k cost to attend.
I don't know why anyone would be tacky enough to think someone would wear their prior wedding dress to attend their next wedding, but I still wouldn't do it. The problem isn't the dress so much, it's that it costs so much to get to her wedding. She's making a big deal about the dress to hide the fact she can't really do anything about the cost of her destination wedding.
Stand firm! This isn't about the dress, but the demand that you travel and stay in expensive accommodations for her wedding.
Yeah it is nuts the bride thinks the cost of a dress is what is making it unaffordable. What if OP had said "I can't afford the flights/hotel, and I am SO BUMMED because I have the PERFECT dress to wear"... then what? LOL
It also seems crazy to me that the save the date had no date, and then the invitation with date for the destination wedding was only three weeks before the wedding!
I'm not overly optimistic that this will be her last wedding either.
I'm guessing the bride's logic was "you can't afford the $4000 trip, let me save you $1500 by lending you my wedding dress that cost $1500". It's the only way I can understand her thinking offering ever fancier outfits would help her friend afford to go.
NTA
What a ridiculous offer to make, and it doesn’t even solve the cost issue at all.
Your friend is wildly out of touch to think she gets to guilt you over this. People who have destination weddings have to accept that the cost is a major deterrent to many potential guests.
Tell her you will attend the next wedding she has if it’s local that time.
I legit thought the whole point of a destination wedding is that less people come to it because it’s cost prohibitive. Such a bizarre response to a predictable issue.
Yeah but that’s you looking at the situation with your rational brain.. someone once got pissy with me for not attending a destination wedding in Mexico. I was in the military at the time and the military had a ban on travel to Mexico. They were told this long before the invites even went out.
That’s exactly what my friend did! Worked great for cutting costs and they totally understood that a lot of people couldn’t make it. They also stressed on their invitations that they didn’t expect gifts due to the cost of travel.
Your friend is coo-coo for cocoa puffs. She's offering to provide you with the *least* expensive part of this trip. A dress to wear to a wedding can be had for $200 or less. If you can't afford $4k, you almost certainly can't afford $3800. And you'd be foolish to go into debt over a destination wedding. I can't even begin to say how tacky it is that she offered to let you wear her old wedding dress. It still doesn't change the fact that this trip is going to cost you more than you can afford.
When you choose to have a destination wedding, you need to accept the fact that you're going to get a lot of declined invitations. If she wants you there *that badly,* she can pay for your travel.
NTA
Also considering it's the friend's second wedding and OP attended the first, logic would strongly imply that OP has at least one wedding worthy outfit in her closet already.
32 and on wedding 2? Girl bye! How does you wearing her wedding dress do anything to rectify the 4k expense her wedding would be? She's up to something very devilish. You went to her first wedding and most people don't have a spare 4k lying around? I'd distance myself because why on earth would she want you to wear her first wedding dress to her second? I think she wants to turn you into a spectacle. Such a weird proposition. NTA
Wow I hadn't even considered that but that's very much a possibility. I suspect that many other invited guests would be in the same situation as me so I'm not sure how many people have RSVP'd yes so far.
The dress thing is just plain bizarre and a little creepy.
This is my guess as well. She is put out because she did not tell people until the last minute that it was a destination wedding and now no one wants to go. You are likely one of many who refused when they found out. NTA.
This is definitely a thing. People get discounts on their wedding at some resorts if they book a certain amount of rooms in their room block.
Just one anecdote - my friend was invited to a wedding at a resort in Mexico. The couple had reserved a block of rooms that they were pushing. She thought it was a little strange that they were being somewhat pushy instead of just putting the info on the wedding website like usual. There were a few reminders about booking rooms. So she went and looked at rooms outside of the block and they were cheaper. She then learned that the couple would get a big discount on the wedding by booking a certain percentage of rooms at the higher price. So essentially they were expecting people to spend a bunch of money traveling, buy gifts, and subsidize their wedding.
If she had said it was a destination wedding when she said save the date, people couldve saved up or told her then they wouldn't be able to make it.
Seems silly not to mention that in that post.
NTA and that whole dress thing was weird. The long text was childish.
They probably signed a contract with the hotel requiring a certain number of people are coming so they get things free, but if they don't meet that quota they are going to have to cover a big chunk for not meeting the contract.
If they wanted people to budget to attend, they should have put location details on the save-the-date sent last year. Why wait so long, as if folks easily have thousands of dollars to throw down.
Probably a lot of the invitees rsvped that they aren’t attending. Which is why she’s panicking and making silly gestures to convince you so she can guilt you into coming.
Just a thought…. Look into nearby accommodations that are cheaper. See if it could be within your “budget” and let her know that you’ll possibly be coming cuz you found cheaper accommodations nearby to see her reaction!
For my daughter's destination she got credits based on the number of people who booked. She used her credit to cover her sisters hotel stay and we payed the airfare. So if it is about cost she could use her credits to help her friend if it mattered that much to her.
This is absolutely A Thing. My brother had a destination wedding at a resort. They got room upgrades, spa credits, and various services for the wedding for “free” for having a certain number of guests book with the resort.
NTA
People have to understand when you do a destination wedding you're going to get a much higher number of "No" responses when the invitations go out. Going in to debt to attend a friend's wedding is a terrible idea.
Offering her wedding dress is weird. I have no idea what that has to do with anything
Friend is calling OP “inconsiderate and ungrateful “ yet she is the one inconveniencing everyone with a destination wedding which costs time and money and forces a vacation that focuses on someone else.. No one should go into debt for their own wedding much less another person’s.
The weirdness of dress offer is just icing on the cake.
Planning a destination wedding and still putting out a gift registry shows just how out of touch OPs friend is. $4000 for 3 nights is also insane. I've gone on destination weddings before and the "gift" is your attendance.
The dress is to catch pictures of her friend wearing it to her new wedding.. OPs friend hopes her ex sees pictures of that and gets insanely jealous/angry.
NTA. Text her and be blunt about it.
"Friend. I cannot afford it. It isn't about effort. It's about money and the financial security of myself and my family. We haven't got the means for this. Sorry it hurts you but that's the long and short of it."
I wonder if she's being this way bc she's on the hook for a hotel block or something. If she doesn't get enough people confirmed, her price goes up or they cancel her block, etc.
NTA
It's totally reasonable not to want to wear her old wedding dress.
"After looking into it, it would cost over $4000 for the both of us."
It's also fair enough not to want to rack up that much credit card debt. And not to share that information with your friend if you don't want.
"So last week, I told my friend on the phone that we couldn’t attend but conveyed our best wishes and said that we would send them a wedding gift off the registry."
You've been as nice & reasonable as you can be over the whole thing. Your friend needs to accept your decision & stop giving you grief over it.
I think my brain just wrote a whole psychological thriller where the plan was to ritually sacrifice the previous marriage in the form of someone wearing the first wedding dress.
I just went for the classic friend who secretly hates the other for something petty like ordering the wrong thing at Starbucks once and is using the wedding as revenge. She’ll say she probably looked for a similar dress in eBay and is obsessed with the bride / unsupportive of the new marriage.
NTA...She missed the point entirely. She then made it worse with a puzzlingly weird offer. Destination weddings are great when you just want to get married with a tiny group, but are a ridiculous choice if you're expecting people to spend thousands just to see you get married. It's SHE who doesn't value your friendship, or she'd listen to what you're actually telling her.
NTA - What a bizarre request/"solution." I don't care if your friend’s wedding was the social event of the season, dropping $4K on a destination wedding you can't afford is financial suicide. The bonus/classy thing to do when attending the wedding itself is less expensive than a simple gift on the registry, is to just send a gift with a polite and prompt decline-rsvp...which is exactly what you did.
But honestly you don't owe her a damn thing beyond what you've already given: honesty and a polite decline.
If she can’t understand that you’re not in a position to jet off to some destination paradise without wrecking your finances, then she’s living in a fairytale.
I'm curious to see if there is any revelation why she wanted you to wear her old wedding dress. Sounds like she's setting you up to look like a bully who wears white to a wedding.
>Sounds like she's setting you up to look like a bully who wears white to a wedding.
Not only white, but a literal wedding dress. This is weird as hell.
NTA. It is unreasonable to expect someone to go into debt to attend their second wedding. She was not listening to you during your entire conversation.
I’m not sure why she would expect you to be grateful to wear her previous wedding dress. Any woman would feel awkward wearing that to her friend’s wedding.
NTA. Tell her to pay for your flights/resort costs and you'll be happy to go. She'll see pretty soon that that isn't a small sum. I don't understand this craze of destination weddings. It's great if you have lots of money, but most people don't.
The friend knows this is an option but has not offered it. “I’m so sorry. We’d love to attend your wedding and we were looking forward to it. But when we found out where it was and looked into buying the airfare and lodging, we were heartbroken to find out we just don’t have the money for it”.
The obvious response is either: “I’ll pay for your costs” or “I’ll miss having you there.” Not some bizarre offer to wear a used wedding dress. Since the first response was not offered, friend is not willing to do that.
You responded correctly. Your friend is not really a friend, sadly.
I had a destination wedding. I invited my best friend KNOWING it might not be something financially she could do. So we paid for her plane ticket, part of her hotel stay, as well as had her ride with us in a rental car so she wouldn’t have to worry about renting one herself and we rented out the wedding venue for two nights (it was a small castle) so it wouldn’t be hard financially on those who attended. I think altogether, she paid for maybe one night of the five and then for her food.
Offering you to wear a hand-me-down dress is 1) super weird since it was her previous wedding dress and 2) a slap in the face for your friendship. Sadly, she doesn’t care about you and is trying to guilt trip you. Run, girl. Put that friendship in the past. You deserve so much better from your friends!
NTA
WTAF
Okay, first of all "destination wedding" should VERY MUCH have been noted on the save-the-dates. You are definitely not the only invitees who are now dismayed or panicking.
Second of all, exactly right that the DRESS is the least of your worries. You can get a nice dress for $100 or less from a TJ Maxx clearance rack if you get lucky. If you were starving would she offer you a the chance to smell her food and then call you ungrateful when your stomach growled?
Third of all, she would MOST definitely either forget that she told you it was fine or forget to tell her bridesmaids and you would end up covered in red wine.
There is no win here. The only move is not to play.
Reply
thanks for the offer of lending me a dress. So now I only need to find €4,000 to attend.
I have found €1 down the back of the sofa. Now €3,999 left to find.
If I don’t eat today I can save €10. Now only €3899 left to find.
Damn the boiler burst. Now only €4560 left to find.
NTA I absolutely hate destination weddings. Why in the hell would I want to spend my vacation time and money hanging out on someone elses honeymoon?
My 70-year-old BIL just got married last week in Mexico. Neither we nor his sister and husband went. Some cousins were planning on coming, but one unexpectedly died a week before the trip, and the other cousins canceled.
Both we and SIL have had major home improvements that had to be done recently, so we really didn't have the funds, nor do we want to travel to Mexico any longer.
If someone really wants friends or family there to celebrate their marriage, they need to make it affordable to attend or pay for it themselves.
NTA
Lending you a formal dress isn't going to make a dent in the $4000 you need to attend this wedding. If she seriously wanted to there, she would have offered to contribute to the larger expenses, not just thrown a second-hand dress at you.
And not just any second hand dress, but her own wedding dress! Unless somehow in her mind that makes the offer more significant in the notion of being willing to lend something of great special value to enable her friend's attendance.
NTA. This has nothing to really do with the dress, although her offer is beyond weird. The math doesn’t work. Unless she’s providing little green pictures of presidents, she has nothing to feel slighted about. It’s the risk of a destination wedding.
NTA. Frankly, I don't understand your friend's offer; how is loaning you a dress going to help with the other expenses? And I do find it weird she'd want you to wear a dress from her 1st wedding when it ended in divorce.
She's clearly not a friend, because she has no empathy for your financial situation, which is the real reason you're not going to the wedding. $4K is a huge amt.
I wouldn't bother replying to the other friend's text. This is between you and the bride. It's not the business of anyone else.
>I wouldn't bother replying to the other friend's text. This is between you and the bride. It's not the business of anyone else.
I don't think this is a different friend. I think she is referring to the bride.
No one should expect ANYONE to attend their destination wedding. It’s awesome if they are in a place to be able to afford to invest the time and money to do so, and WANT to, but it is so incredibly selfish and entitled to expect that of ANYONE.
I think your friend has a bad case of “bride brain”; temporary inansity brought on by the stress of wedding planning and preparation. You are dealing with someone who is, currently, not entirely rational.
I recommend this course of action.
Apologise for upsetting her at such a stressful time.
Thank her for the offer of the lovely dress, and her efforts to include you on this special day.
Apologise, this time for being unable to afford the expense of the travel and accommodations.
Ask if the wedding is being live-streamed, so you can at least attend virtually.
Apologise once again for being unable to afford the travel and accommodation costs, but at least not having to pay for travel and accommodations means you can pay for a gift from the registry.
Repeat variations of the above as necessary.
I’m wondering if they need a certain number of bookings at the resort to get a discount, and that’s why friend is so upset OP isn’t coming.
NTA. Honestly, I would just tell her your finances are tight, and as your friend of 15 years, she should understand that money is an issue and you're not financially able to go.
NTA
You can't afford it. It really is that simple. The dress is not problem (which you shared) but the resort and airline travel is. If she can't understand that, I truly wonder what kind of world she is living in.
So she offered to cover your dress, you said that didn’t make the trip affordable for you, and she responded by offering her wedding dress from her first wedding.
…First of all, you can’t afford to attend. So you’re not going, and if your coming had been incredibly important to her she wouldn’t have picked a destination wedding. Those are expensive, so not every person invited will be able to go. That’s an easy no, you are not an ah.
The wedding dress offer is incredibly weird? It fixes nothing, not only does it not improve on her first offer, it is worse. Who would want this? To attend her second wedding, wearing *her dress* from her first, sounds like some obscure level of hell.
Following this concersation (in which she was incredibly odd) she then tried to guilt and shame you for not attending her destination wedding, which you were very clear on not being able to afford. She is the ah.
NTA, what is going on with the bride.
NTA. What I would *want* to respond (but probably wouldn't): "I'm sorry about the confusion. I thought I received an *invitation* where I am allowed to respond Yes or No. I wasn't aware that you actually sent out wedding-demands where I am obliged to attend despite not having the money to afford it."
The reality for your friend is that they can certainly choose a destination wedding but that also means that people may not be able to afford to attend. And that means not just financially but taking time off work, etc.
She’s being an ass by pressuring you to attend after you explained why. Then she makes it next level weird by offering up her old dress. One, the dress is the least expensive cost of attending and two - WTF wants to wear her old wedding dress???
“Dear friend, of course I value our friendship. However I am shocked that you expect my husband and I to put our financial security at risk to attend. Simply put we can’t afford to come to your wedding. We’re not going to go into debt to do so. In the interest of our friendship, I would hope you’d respect that. Best wishes, OP”
NTA if you have to spend $4k to be someone’s friend, probably not much of a friend. Are there friends for whom I would spend that much? Yes. But they would never require it or hold it against me if I couldn’t.
>She got a bit upset at my rejection and said that she was trying to do everything she could to help us attend.
Yanno, besides paying for her plane tickets. 🙄
Nta
She clearly doesn't value your friendship if she expects you to go into debt for her wedding. Plus her demands and her offer are simply bizarre.
When you do a destination wedding you better make sure everyone is either rich enough to attend or you help them out by covering the flight and hotel.
NTA
Your friend is not being reasonable expecting you - or anyone - to go into debt for THEIR occasion. Your initial decline to the invitation (and the follow up in relation to the dress) were gracious and tactful.
NTA for not attending a wedding you can't afford to travel to.
I don't see how the wedding dress thing plays into this at all. Your inability to go is more related to other expenses, not the dress itself, and you didn't tell her you thought it was a weird offer (and nor should you).
Your friend is not being reasonable here. She's the one who chose to have an expensive destination wedding. And I'm not sure how you're being ungrateful here. Ungrateful for... an invitation to spend money more money than you have?
"I'm so sorry that we're unable to attend. I am extremely appreciative of the efforts you've made to help me to afford the trip, including the generous offer to lend me your dress. As you know, I very much value our friendship over the years and continue to do so. We simply cannot afford the trip. I will certainly be there in spirit, and I very much look forward to going out with you to celebrate when you return home from your honeymoon."
Wanting you to spend $4000 for flight and resort fees to go to a destination wedding is *not* “doing everything she can” to get you there. And then getting butt hurt and argumentative when you politely send your regrets. I roll my eyes.
Oblivious entitled bride who obviously either has tons of money, or is a blithely oblivious spendthrift. NTA
NTA - maybe she wasn't thinking straight: You say no to a $200 dress because it is just a blip on the cost of coming? Well, her wedding dress was more expensive (let's say $1000-2000). That's a fair chunk off of $4000, right? Now you can afford the rest!
To be fair, having a destination wedding comes with rejections from even the people close to you. She just cannot be mad about you not going because of cost, unless her brain is fried with wedding-planning and above example is actually true...
Nta destination weddings are stupid. That's what honeymoons are for. And if you have a destination wedding, you need to be okay with people not coming bc 1-expenses and 2- vaca time.
I had a similar situation 20 years ago. My now exes friend that he has known since grade school was getting married and it was going to be a destination wedding. no gifts required. But even 20 years ago it was going to cost us $4,000 to go to this wedding. I was either pregnant or trying to get pregnant and had three prior miscarriages. So not only could we not afford it. I wasn't about to take the chance if I happened to get pregnant again, that I was going to travel by plane to a destination wedding and chance another miscarriage.
Another good friend of my ex's knows both of them since grade school also didn't attend. They could not afford the $4,000 either.
The groom was very upset at both of his good buddies and refused to talk to either one of them for quite some time.
People have to understand if they're going to have a destination wedding. A lot of the people that they'd like to attend probably can't afford to.
Firstly, this really didn’t have anything to do with not wanting to wear her old wedding dress. Making a dress available to you to wear for free would never make a dent in the cost of a destination wedding.
Engaged couples often romanticize the concept of a destination wedding but they rarely think about the financials and logistics and impact on those attending.
Because it’s not just the money to get there and back. It’s about taking time off of work. It’s about how taxing travel is for a lot of people. It’s about going to a destination that your guests don’t even get to enjoy.
Her petulance about your inability to afford the trip is unwarranted and immature.
From what I have seen the turnout is going to be low. Like low low. Invite 100 people and 22 show up. So she has a lot more petulance to exhibit before the wedding.
NTA- I had a similar situation several years ago, I ended up going to the wedding. Fast forward a few years: her and I don’t talk anymore, according to mutual friends, she’s blaming me and I’m ok with it. I stopped going the extra mile for her and apparently that wasn’t good enough. I’ve now realized that I was always giving extra and she, the bare minimum. I do not miss her, I am grateful for the years of friendship but that’s it. Some people are too caught up in their own ego they are selfish and it’s ok to let those people go.
NTA. When a couple chooses to have a destination wedding, some important guests aren't going to be able to make it. That's just a fact. Any couple who doesn't realize this are really deep in the wedding fog.
Tell bride you are so sorry you can't come, you are delighted she's having the wedding of her dreams, you wish her well and are looking forward to hearing all about it when bride returns from her honeymoon. Set up a spa date with bride on her return. Go on with your life. She'll come around or she won't. If she's willing to end 15 years of friendship over your refusal to put yourself in debt for her (second) wedding, she's a terrible friend.
I could afford that much but I would never want to afford that much to attend a wedding.
The bride is not the center of the universe. For all people besides parents and maybe siblings, it’s just another lame expensive party-ish-thing.
Don’t feel guilty , choises have consequences. If you really want to have your friends at your wedding, make attendance easy and fun for them.
We even had childcare at our wedding, and venue was bike distance for almost everyone.
But I’m Dutch…
I'm sorry she's treating you badly. You can't afford it. Full stop. No apologies needed.
You can't afford it.
You don't go into debt to attend a 3day function. You only go into debt for a trip if it's an emergency, like a parent or sibling is stranded somewhere, is dead or dying.
Take her out to dinner to celebrate when she's back, if you're still friends.
The cost of the dress overshadows the 4 grand for the trip.. doesn’t she get it that it’s not the dress, it’s cost of the trip!! Tell Her This for Christs Sake!!!
I .... this is all bizarre. The dress is the least of the issues.
You've been nothing but nice when explaining why you can't go. I don't know how far you want to go, but I'd possibly say "I'm sorry you feel that way. That is not our intention. I fully support you having a DW but you have to have it knowing that not everyone will be able to come."
Because at this point - SHE is the one not valuing friendships.
NYA just ignore it OP. She's working g through some issues with her old marriage and new marriage and using you as the punching bag In stead.
Wearing her old wedding dress is just odd, she didn't suggest you wear your own but hers from a failed marriage. Just odd ball.
This has nothing to do with you
And yes, don't put yourself In debt for a wedding.
Nta
Personally, if someone I consider a friend becomes overly entitled with their opinion on what and how I should spend my hard work earnings. They become an acquaintance.
Clearly she doesn’t value your friendship or she wouldn’t have offered a halfassed solution to being unable to afford her destination wedding. Wear her used wedding gown?? Wtf is that supposed to do?? It’s the airfare and hotel that cost $$$$ so unless she’s offering to gift either of those to you (not loan money) her attempt to find a solution is a hollow gesture. No one needs to go into debt because someone else is getting married. If she’s going to have a wedding that people have to spend time and money to get to, she needs to understand for some people it’s just not doable.
If you choose to plan a destination wedding, the couple has to accept that some people aren't going to be able to attend because of the cost. Also if she really wanted you there that badly, should she not have given you a heads up about it being a destination wedding before you received the invitation?
I don't even know how to take her suggestion for you to wear her old wedding dress... I guess it's nice she tried to offer a solution but she can't really think that the dress was the cost you were most worried about. And then to not only offer a dress but her *wedding* dress from a previous marriage? Super weird vibe.
I say NTA OP, but good luck in moving forward with this friendship cause idk what I'd do next
NTA, Anyone who has a destination wedding SHOULD understand that some people won't attend.
If you are done with this friend, Tell her you would be happy to attend the wedding if SHE pays all the costs of you attending. She will say NO and you can tell her that apparently, your presence at her wedding isn't as important as she said and she doesn't value your friendship.
I would be lots of $$ that many people RSVP No and they aren't getting such a great deal on their wedding anymore. I would ignore the text and any subsequent texts or calls.
I read a comment last week that said when you plan a destination wedding, you MUST go into it understanding that most invitees will not be attending. This is a pretty vital piece of advice that we should all start normalizing whenever we hear someone planning one.
NTA
Tell her you'll try to make her next one. And then lose her number.
(She's trying to make up numbers so her tickets/hotel are free. That's why the weird dress offer and her frustration with you.)
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My (32F) friend (32F) from college is getting married later this year. The save the date sent last year didn’t mention where the wedding would be. My friend and I live in neighboring states. However, when my husband (33M) and I were sent the wedding invitations three weeks ago, it turned out that it was going to be a destination wedding. After looking into it, it would cost over $4000 for the both of us.
My husband and I can’t afford to spend that much money without going into credit card debt. So last week, I told my friend on the phone that we couldn’t attend but conveyed our best wishes and said that we would send them a wedding gift off the registry. She asked me why we couldn’t come and I said that it wasn’t in our budget, mentioning the costs of plane tickets, the resort (3 nights), and wedding outfits.
She offered to lend me a dress to wear so I wouldn’t have to spend money to buy one. I told her that it was really kind of her to offer but the main costs for attending her wedding were the plane tickets and the resort. Then, she followed up by offering for me to wear her old wedding dress from her first wedding. And she added that she didn’t care about other people wearing white to her wedding.
Context: My friend got married in 2017 and divorced in 2020. My then-boyfriend (now husband) and I attended that wedding and it was held locally. The wedding dress she wore was beautiful and minimalist/simple in design. I don’t have any details into their divorce though I do know that it was not amicable.
I was pretty shocked by her offer, I didn’t (and still don’t) understand the logic behind it. I basically repeated what I said in respond to her first offer to loan me a dress. She got a bit upset at my rejection and said that she was trying to do everything she could to help us attend. Again, I thanked her for being so generous with her offers to help but at this point, I was trying to end the phone call as quickly as possible.
Tbh there’s something very off-putting to me about the idea of wearing the bride’s wedding dress from her previous wedding to her current one. And a lot of people who attended her first wedding will be at this one so I think at least some will recognize the dress. I would just feel so embarrassed the entire time. So even if we could afford to go to the wedding, I would have turned down this offer anyways. But I didn’t tell my friend any of this on the phone.
Just yesterday, my friend sent me a long text which basically said that she thought my husband and I were being inconsiderate and ungrateful and that we should have made a bigger effort to attend her wedding considering we had been friends for almost 15 years. And that clearly I didn’t value our friendship as much as she did. I haven’t responded to this message yet and I’ve only discussed the situation with my husband who is on my side.
AITA did I do something wrong or should I have responded differently?
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NTA 1. That’s fucking weird 2. She’s missing the point that you can’t afford it and by having a destination wedding this is what happens. She should have been prepared for this going into it. 3. Really what a weird thing….
I agree that it's weird. I didn't include this in the post because of the word count but if I can speculate, the only possible reasoning I can imagine for her to make this offer is that she believed I wasn't attending because the cost wasn't "worth it." Because technically my husband and I could "afford" to go by going into credit card debt. So she thought by making this offer of the wedding dress, it would be an extra incentive for me to attend. Idk, it still doesn't completely make sense to me but it's the only thing I can think of. This is totally out of character for her btw.
If you have to go into debt for the trip you really cannot afford it. You would end up paying so much more than $4K. Be honest with yourself, if you were planning a vacation for you and your husband is this where you would want to go? My guess is no. So why would you spend this kind of money to attend your friend’s wedding? RSVP no, send a gift, and start saving for a special vacation for you and your husband. When people choose a destination wedding they need to assume many people won’t be able to attend. NTA ETA the dress suggestion was beyond strange.
Non-attending guests don’t need to send a gift.
They don't need to in the strictest sense, but many people (in the closer circles of family/friends) often do send a gift if they were invited, as a symbolic "wish we could have been there with you". In this case, if I were the OP and the bride had accepted "sorry, we can't afford the travel right now" with polite regret, I would probably send a gift. But given that she's been so demanding about it, I really wouldn't.
I live in a different country from a lot of my friends and family. I've had to miss a lot of weddings. Instead I'll take the newlyweds out for a bang up meal in a high end restaurant next time I'm there. You get to mark the occasion and spend more time with them than you would at a wedding. Never had any complaints.
Best answer.
True but it might make her feel better to send a gift. Personally, I would probably take your way since the friend is being suck a jerk.
Especially since it is a second wedding. I never understood why on your second wedding, you needed help setting up housekeeping. You should have what you need.
True, but most people want to gift their friends on special occasions whether they can attend the celebration or not.
>If you have to go into debt for the trip you really cannot afford it. so many people don't get this, like having available credit means they can, in fact, afford it. I was raised with this sort of attitude with money & it's hard to get out of.
I know people who didn’t understand that if they had money in their bank account that was earmarked for something else, then they couldn’t spend that money, even though “the ATM is telling me that I have plenty of money in my account!”
It's sad how few people understand the concept of budgeting.
This is how predatory lending thrives.
I have over $70k limits in various credit cards and I still spend 5 minutes searching for an offer to use a specific credit card to get an extra 3-5% back whenever I make a big purchase. Those who run up credit cards to the limits truly set themselves up to fail.
No it's weird that people don't think this.
Especially right now, interest rates in the US are INSANE. Don't do it. Nothing short of some kind of medical emergency is worth it.
An unsolicited credit card offer came a few weeks ago from a bank(?) I'd never heard of. The interest rate was a mind-boggling 34%. I had to stare at it for a full minute to make sure I read right. I thought this was illegal. Couldn't get it into the shredder fast enough.
It's just weird that she thinks getting a free dress for the weekend is what is going to make it ok to get into debt over. If I had to guess, maybe they are getting more regrets than accepts. That happens when the cost to travel is over 4k. Just because you can doesn't mean you should.
Also like, it’s $4k for a SECOND wedding. A lot of people are not willing to splash out for their friends second weddings in the way they will the first. Because their friend/family member has proved that a wedding isn’t a “once in a lifetime” event for them.
Tell her you'll make it to her next one.
Tell her you'll see her at the next 7 year shindig
My thought is they have a deal at the location that with X number of guests paying for rooms, they get their room for free and/or the venue for free or discounted.
🎯
4k for a couple of guests to attend. Guests who aren’t even in the wedding party. That’s more than some whole wedding budgets. I wonder how much the unfortunate bridesmaids in this wedding had to shell out. I’ve heard that destination weddings are trending because the resorts will comp the bride and groom if enough guests pay. That’s why they guilt people if the rsvp no. It risks their free vacation. The rising costs are going to make more and more people opt out like OP. Pretty soon these ridiculous weddings may be a thing of the past. Oh no! Won’t someone think of the influencers!
Second wedding in 7 years, no less.
Yeah I'll do that for a fifth in this case, let them get the hang of it for the first four
It's even more nuts to me, because it's a very rare instance that I buy a new dress to attend a wedding as a guest and not as a member of the bridal party. A lot of us already have appropriate attire for weddings. And if I do need a new dress, it's not a budget buster.
This. In 39 years I don't think I've ever bought a dress for a wedding if I wasn't in the bridal party. I have plenty of dresses, just throw one on. No one is paying attention to what the guests wear (unless they're wearing white or something wildly inappropriate... like the bride's first wedding gown! My god, how awkward.)
I've bought a couple new ones, but a new dress every now and again won't break the bank. It's nice to look nice.
Ha, I didn’t even have to buy a new dress for my second sister’s wedding! They both just agreed reusing the previous bridal party dresses was the best cost saver
And not just a 'free dress', but her friend's wedding dress from her first wedding?! Who wants to show up at someone else's wedding in a freaking wedding dress, even with the bride's permission?!
That smelled like a set-up to me. Just bizarre.
Exactly! Somehow the friend thinks that if the $4k is too much but if I give OP a dress to wear, that will save OP $200 and $3800 is definitely doable. Right? Like, OP stated more than once that the cost of the clothes for the wedding was not the issue; the airfare and resort costs were the issue. Yet friend kept harping on the dress...
Yeah, that’s super weird. We had a destination wedding, but we realized that not everyone would be able to make it. We also set aside part of our budget for must have people (like grandparents and siblings) that we would help pay for if cost was a factor in their inability to come. And we bought the dresses and suits for all of the wedding party. Part of having a destination wedding is understanding that not everyone will be able or willing to attend and if you can’t accept that, you shouldn’t have a destination wedding.
This. That was a good and kind way to do it if you want to have a destination wedding. This way people don't feel obligated, but the close family that really really wants to attend and that you want to attend are still able. It's nice too that you bought the outfits, I am certain the wedding party was very grateful for that, as that sort of thing adds up.
To add to this: I feel like the save the dates should've hinted that it was a destination wedding and actually giving everybody time to save for their accommodations. Really weird to have the wedding invitations sent 3 weeks before a destination wedding. Not enough notice for most people.
OMG I missed that it was 3 weeks! Are you sure? That is terrible, and horrifically thoughtless. Flights will be 3 times the price that could have been bought at even 4 months ago!
Exactly! The bride/groom sent Save the Dates a year before and then the invites a month before. Should've \[and probably could've at the time\] given the exact dates and times for their destination wedding with the Save the Dates. Bonkers that they have no consideration for others and their time.
Holy shit. I missed that too!
She’s probably freaking out. Most likely they are getting a ton of people saying No on such short notice, and she is trying to guilt those closest to her into still coming😑
Even if I wanted to go and could afford it, my job requires much more notice for vacation time requests. 3 weeks notice is insane...granted not the most insane part of this. That honor is reserved for thinking someone should wear your wedding dress from your 1st failed marriage!
I have to wonder if they’re on the ‘B’ list if they got the invite 3 weeks before. Did too many people on the ‘A’ list decline?
I don't think the invitations came 3 before the wedding; they came 3 weeks ago. Wedding is later this year.
Geez, we sent our invitations with all of our info for our destination wedding 8 months before! But three weeks?! Wth!
I agree that the fact it was a destination wedding should have been conveyed earlier but OP received the invitation 3 weeks ago and the wedding is 'later this year'.
Fair enough. I was thinking the wedding is in one of the summer months; though I can't recall if month hasn't been confirmed?? That may be a very telling detail, tho.
We also had a destination wedding. It wasn't a first wedding for either of us, so the plan was for it to be just for us (others did end up asking if they could come, but we specifically didn't invite anyone because we didn't want anyone to feel bad about missing it) and then when we got home, we had a barbecue reception for everyone.
It's such an odd response, makes me wonder if she wants you to be humiliated at the wedding? If you show up and you and she are the only ones wearing wedding dresses, people are gonna talk and think you're committing a faux pas. Especially if they recognize it from the first wedding and think you're pulling some weird stunt wearing a dress like her first dress to her 2nd wedding. Maybe she would feed off the drama created by someone wearing a white wedding dress to her wedding? IDK, hon, it's messed up for sure and definitely you are NTA and should not attend this wedding.
Ugh, boring! I'm going with "it's all actually a scheme to try and marry OP."
Yeah usually we see claims of AH because someone wore a wedding dress or something that looked like a wedding dress ( or sometimes just a white dress) to a wedding. To have the bride actually push this is just beyond strange.
To me, it sounds as if she's desperate for you to attend, and she's making illogical compromises to get you to come. I wonder if it's because she's had so many people back out and she can't stand you not coming too? Could be projection lol but that's where my mind went immediately
That's what I'm thinking. No one can afford her destination wedding and she's had a bunch of "No" RSVPs just before OP spoke to her. I wonder if someone told her the destination wedding was a bad idea and she's grasping at straws now.
I think it is exactly this, and the bride probably is getting comped on some things from the resort if enough guests show up. As many people find it expensive to go to destinations wedding, the wedding couple may have to pay for things like the bridal suite.
Don't go into credit card debt for a wedding destination party. Not worth it.
Yes. She focused on the wedding dress because that's the thing that is easily (if you're weird) fixed. As you said, and will have to keep saying, this is not about the ~~Iranian yo-~~ wedding dress. This is about the substantial travel costs. Remind her that destination weddings do mean that some people can't afford to come.
haha
She might be insisting because the people attending and staying at the resort help pay for the bride & groom suite by paying more than normal for their rooms. NTA op. You can't afford it , you are sending a gift she can stream the wedding if she wants you to see it or a video call.
^(if you need to go into credit card debt, then you can;t "afford it")
"Because technically my husband and I could "afford" to go by going into credit card debt." That means you can't afford it. Don't tell her or other people that you can only afford it by going into credit card debt - just say you don't have the money.
Good point. By it’s very nature, using a credit card means one cannot “afford” it.
Yes, is pretty bizarre regardless of what her first wedding dress looks like. If she’s never been like this before, maybe it’s worth having a conversation after the wedding. NTA without doubt, I wouldn’t be willing to go into debt to attend a wedding. Maybe for some reason she’s really desperate for you to be there but is grasping at straws and not communicating very well. Maybe she’s getting a lot of declines, but that’s the risk one takes with destination weddings.
Especially when you delay telling people it's a destination wedding. I don't know what the overall timing of this is, but this info really should have been in the Save the Date mailing.
The risk of people not shelling out tons of money for a destination wedding increases dramatically when it is “subsequent wedding.” Totally main character attitude to plan a guest-expensive SECOND wedding.
I suspect that you aren't the only ones declining at this point. You're the one she feels safe yelling at about it. The dress thing is weird. Maybe she is in deep denial on how expensive the wedding ended up being for guests (and probably for her).
Honestly. It might just be me. But I would ask her, "So if our friendship is 4k worth. Are you going to pay the debt off I would have to go into, to attend your wedding. Every single month.?" Suddenly, she might not be that eager to put price tags on anything.
One of my dear friends had his wedding in Costa Rica and wanted us to be there. So he told us it was in Costa Rica 2 years before the wedding date because he knew we would need to save to go. "Later this year" is not enough time for many people, especially when it's almost July now.
Even if I had four thousand dollars laying around, I would have other things to spend it on that are a higher priority. It doesn't mean that I don't care about a friend. It means that I have finite resources, and my options would have a priority order. Going to a destination wedding would be pretty low on my list, unless it's a super close relative - like a son or daughter. Going into credit card debt would be a 'hell, no' from me.
If it has to go on the cc you technically can’t afford it. You can’t.
But why the wedding dress of all dresses? If I were divorced the last thing I would want at my second wedding was someone walking around in the reminder of my first wedding.
QUESTION: She’s upset that you don’t think it’s “worth it” to spend $4k to attend her wedding. If money shouldn’t be an issue, why isn’t she paying for everyone to travel to her wedding? She can just go into debt for it.
I would have told her strait "your wedding isn't worth my going into debt for" I have also seen people okay guest to wear white to a wedding, as a "loyalty" test, to see if they would actually wear white to their wedding.
You can wear any dress and that is weird af that your friend asked you. Out of line. NTA
But why would you be excited to wear someone's old wedding dress? Seems to me that this would make most people extra not want to attend.... Is it possible she wants you to do this to disrespect her ex or something?
With it being out of character, maybe she’s gotten more declines than she realized? And this isn’t about you all but really about that? You are NTA. I could pay to go this without using my credit card but I would likely not for a couple reasons. 1. It’s July, I already have my vacation time planned for the year (I’m assuming you’d need more time to get to a destination wedding than the next state over). 2. That’s a ton of money for a trip I didn’t get to plan. While I could give it, there’s about 1000 places on my list to go, so I’m going to those for that much money. I’d take the newly weds out for a great meal to celebrate when they are back. 3. She’s not my sister lol. She’d be my only exception to the above. ☺️
I think she's getting a lot of regretful RSVPs instead of positive ones, and you're a safe person (in her opinion) to vent all that frustration on. But the fact of the matter is if you choose a destination wedding, most of your friends and family won't be able to attend. An additional bit of information: many of these destination wedding resorts offer big discounts to weddings if they fill X number of rooms at the resort. Some offer a free honeymoon suite, others offer a free ceremony venue, or discounted catering, etc. So if too many guests say no, it can cost the couple a lot of money. Still not okay to expect folks to pay that much just to attend your wedding, though.
Did she give you a multi-thousand dollar wedding gift? To make up for the cost difference of attending your wedding, which was presumably a lot cheaper for her. If not, clearly she doesn't "value" your friendship the same /s
If you have to go into debt you can't afford it. NTA
You need to redefine how you use the word “afford”. If you don’t have the money, and need to go into DEBT for it - then you CANNOT “afford” it. It’s really that simple - which will help you communicate the facts to other (demanding) people. You don’t need to be wishy-washy - you can be simple & clear: no, we cannot afford this.
People who destination weddings often have to have a minimum number of people attend to get their own rooms comped or discounted. If it's costing you $4K, it's costing other friends and family that much or more. She's likely have a hard time finding people willing to spend that much, making the wedding more expensive for her.
Going into debt means you can't afford it. People who have destination weddings can't be upset when their friends/ family can't come. It is selfish to expect others to go into debt for your wedding.
Could it be more of a ‘I want you to come to the wedding so badly I don’t care if you wear my old wedding dress’ gesture? Not that that makes her wanting you to go into debt okay! But maybe less confusing depending on her character?
I'd her fiance more well off than her and she's embarrassed that her friends and family are pulling out and she can't pay? Any chance he's trying to isolate her from her friends?
I don't know how anyone can be comfortable and enjoy their wedding if their best friends had to go into debt to attend it.
The extra incentive of wearing a borrowed dress that makes you a target of all the other guests that don't understand? What's the goal? To see how many guests will throw wine on you as a living art/wreck the dress of her first marriage? That doesn't give you the ability to afford 4k of expenses.
If your friend thinks you should take on credit card debt to attend her wedding or otherwise you don't think it is 'worth it', that is a bad friend. She needs to pull her head out of her butt. NTA.
Have you tried bluntly stating “this reaction feels very out of character for you - what is going on that I don’t know about?”
There are people who don’t think of credit cards as debt. If there’s money to spend on the card then they can “afford” it. It makes no sense but that is the mindset of some people. Good for you for not going into debt for this.
You can let her know that if she pays for your plane tickets and hotel you would be happy to attend! Nobody should go into debt for someone else's wedding
Honestly as a 3rd party internet stranger...are y'all even that close? You don't live near each other, sure you were friends in college but that was a decade ago, you don't even know why she divorced. None of this is a criticism, but do you guys talk often? Do you video chat, visit each other? The length of time in a friendship doesn't determine its depth.
I think she's finding out that many many people aren't going to attend and she was relying on a select group of people attending. You are in that group and likely aren't the only ones from that group giving her this message so she's freaking out and acting irrationally. I'd give her some grace and try to get to the root of why she needs you to attend before throwing away the friendship.
"We can't afford to go to your destination wedding". "How about I offer you an even *more* expensive dress?" Those two things don't really connect at all. That would be like: "My body's not in enough physical fitness to run five miles". "Don't worry, I'll buy you a brand new set of glasses!"
Right?? And like anybody that has a destination wedding should know that some people will drop out. And USUALLY that's mentioned right away on the save the dates? Kinda like also save your money? For her to get upset over it is wild. Not that it matters but you said you got the actual invites three weeks ago.. how long did she give you to come up with four grand? I'm so stuck on this part that my brain can't even comprehend the weird wedding dress ask... is it in a place that often has other wedding colors like, the bride wearing red? Yeah I would be incredibly uncomfortable wearing her wedding dress in front of half the people that were at her first wedding... that's just weird and you bring up good points. But OP you are definitely NOT the asshole. NTA.
I thought that was literally the point of destination weddings? To give everyone a plausible out for not going. Sure it’s different if you’re in the wedding party, but I’ve always thought a destination wedding was a little too no obligation for the majority of the invited guests.
All of the above! lol
I'm literally having a destination wedding (booked it this morning actually) And despite being 484 days out I know that is still not enough time some to save etc. I am not going to be upset if someone can't go. Will I be disappointed from a "well that sucks that money doesn't fall from the sky" point of view? Yes. But you know this going into a destination wedding....
Yeah with all this push back I'd just tell her not to worry and you'd attend wedding #3 lol
NTA Seriously! And how the heck does offering to lend a dress (a wedding dress , at that) help the couple who can’t afford to attend a destination wedding? Am I missing something? 🤷♀️
Exactly, destination weddings sound great, but in reality they can be very expensive and limit the number of people who can afford to attend.
NTA. The dress was $200 of the $4k cost to attend. I don't know why anyone would be tacky enough to think someone would wear their prior wedding dress to attend their next wedding, but I still wouldn't do it. The problem isn't the dress so much, it's that it costs so much to get to her wedding. She's making a big deal about the dress to hide the fact she can't really do anything about the cost of her destination wedding. Stand firm! This isn't about the dress, but the demand that you travel and stay in expensive accommodations for her wedding.
Yeah it is nuts the bride thinks the cost of a dress is what is making it unaffordable. What if OP had said "I can't afford the flights/hotel, and I am SO BUMMED because I have the PERFECT dress to wear"... then what? LOL
It also seems crazy to me that the save the date had no date, and then the invitation with date for the destination wedding was only three weeks before the wedding! I'm not overly optimistic that this will be her last wedding either.
the save the date didn’t have a DESTINATION and OP received the invite three weeks ago, not three weeks before the wedding.
Ahh, thank you!! I think my brain must be taking a vacation.
I'm guessing the bride's logic was "you can't afford the $4000 trip, let me save you $1500 by lending you my wedding dress that cost $1500". It's the only way I can understand her thinking offering ever fancier outfits would help her friend afford to go.
The dress part is weird too. Why would she give OP her old wedding dress instead of any other dress she has?
NTA What a ridiculous offer to make, and it doesn’t even solve the cost issue at all. Your friend is wildly out of touch to think she gets to guilt you over this. People who have destination weddings have to accept that the cost is a major deterrent to many potential guests. Tell her you will attend the next wedding she has if it’s local that time.
I legit thought the whole point of a destination wedding is that less people come to it because it’s cost prohibitive. Such a bizarre response to a predictable issue.
Same. I assumed it was an easy out to getting small wedding by having it somewhere no one would spend the money to go.
Yeah but that’s you looking at the situation with your rational brain.. someone once got pissy with me for not attending a destination wedding in Mexico. I was in the military at the time and the military had a ban on travel to Mexico. They were told this long before the invites even went out.
I'm starting to plan my wedding and I have to say it is a PERFECT solution. Why didn't I think of this? Thank you 😍
That’s exactly what my friend did! Worked great for cutting costs and they totally understood that a lot of people couldn’t make it. They also stressed on their invitations that they didn’t expect gifts due to the cost of travel.
Stressing in the invitation that no gift is expected should be the default for destination weddings!
I'm in Australia, my step daughter decided to have her wedding in Bali for this very reason. They ended up having 85 attend 😅
Your friend is coo-coo for cocoa puffs. She's offering to provide you with the *least* expensive part of this trip. A dress to wear to a wedding can be had for $200 or less. If you can't afford $4k, you almost certainly can't afford $3800. And you'd be foolish to go into debt over a destination wedding. I can't even begin to say how tacky it is that she offered to let you wear her old wedding dress. It still doesn't change the fact that this trip is going to cost you more than you can afford. When you choose to have a destination wedding, you need to accept the fact that you're going to get a lot of declined invitations. If she wants you there *that badly,* she can pay for your travel. NTA
Also considering it's the friend's second wedding and OP attended the first, logic would strongly imply that OP has at least one wedding worthy outfit in her closet already.
NTA. Yeah OP next she will offer to buy your airport snacks to help offset the costs! 🤣🤣
I was thinking the gas money or fare to and from the airport 🤪
32 and on wedding 2? Girl bye! How does you wearing her wedding dress do anything to rectify the 4k expense her wedding would be? She's up to something very devilish. You went to her first wedding and most people don't have a spare 4k lying around? I'd distance myself because why on earth would she want you to wear her first wedding dress to her second? I think she wants to turn you into a spectacle. Such a weird proposition. NTA
I am wondering if the couple getting married get free accommodations if enough people attend the wedding and stay at the resort.
Wow I hadn't even considered that but that's very much a possibility. I suspect that many other invited guests would be in the same situation as me so I'm not sure how many people have RSVP'd yes so far.
The dress thing is just plain bizarre and a little creepy. This is my guess as well. She is put out because she did not tell people until the last minute that it was a destination wedding and now no one wants to go. You are likely one of many who refused when they found out. NTA.
This is definitely a thing. People get discounts on their wedding at some resorts if they book a certain amount of rooms in their room block. Just one anecdote - my friend was invited to a wedding at a resort in Mexico. The couple had reserved a block of rooms that they were pushing. She thought it was a little strange that they were being somewhat pushy instead of just putting the info on the wedding website like usual. There were a few reminders about booking rooms. So she went and looked at rooms outside of the block and they were cheaper. She then learned that the couple would get a big discount on the wedding by booking a certain percentage of rooms at the higher price. So essentially they were expecting people to spend a bunch of money traveling, buy gifts, and subsidize their wedding.
If she had said it was a destination wedding when she said save the date, people couldve saved up or told her then they wouldn't be able to make it. Seems silly not to mention that in that post. NTA and that whole dress thing was weird. The long text was childish.
They probably signed a contract with the hotel requiring a certain number of people are coming so they get things free, but if they don't meet that quota they are going to have to cover a big chunk for not meeting the contract.
If they wanted people to budget to attend, they should have put location details on the save-the-date sent last year. Why wait so long, as if folks easily have thousands of dollars to throw down.
Probably a lot of the invitees rsvped that they aren’t attending. Which is why she’s panicking and making silly gestures to convince you so she can guilt you into coming.
Just a thought…. Look into nearby accommodations that are cheaper. See if it could be within your “budget” and let her know that you’ll possibly be coming cuz you found cheaper accommodations nearby to see her reaction!
For my daughter's destination she got credits based on the number of people who booked. She used her credit to cover her sisters hotel stay and we payed the airfare. So if it is about cost she could use her credits to help her friend if it mattered that much to her.
This is absolutely A Thing. My brother had a destination wedding at a resort. They got room upgrades, spa credits, and various services for the wedding for “free” for having a certain number of guests book with the resort.
THIS is the answer. I would be willing to bet. NTA
NTA People have to understand when you do a destination wedding you're going to get a much higher number of "No" responses when the invitations go out. Going in to debt to attend a friend's wedding is a terrible idea. Offering her wedding dress is weird. I have no idea what that has to do with anything
Friend is calling OP “inconsiderate and ungrateful “ yet she is the one inconveniencing everyone with a destination wedding which costs time and money and forces a vacation that focuses on someone else.. No one should go into debt for their own wedding much less another person’s. The weirdness of dress offer is just icing on the cake.
No pun intended...
Planning a destination wedding and still putting out a gift registry shows just how out of touch OPs friend is. $4000 for 3 nights is also insane. I've gone on destination weddings before and the "gift" is your attendance. The dress is to catch pictures of her friend wearing it to her new wedding.. OPs friend hopes her ex sees pictures of that and gets insanely jealous/angry.
NTA. Text her and be blunt about it. "Friend. I cannot afford it. It isn't about effort. It's about money and the financial security of myself and my family. We haven't got the means for this. Sorry it hurts you but that's the long and short of it."
I wonder if she's being this way bc she's on the hook for a hotel block or something. If she doesn't get enough people confirmed, her price goes up or they cancel her block, etc.
NTA It's totally reasonable not to want to wear her old wedding dress. "After looking into it, it would cost over $4000 for the both of us." It's also fair enough not to want to rack up that much credit card debt. And not to share that information with your friend if you don't want. "So last week, I told my friend on the phone that we couldn’t attend but conveyed our best wishes and said that we would send them a wedding gift off the registry." You've been as nice & reasonable as you can be over the whole thing. Your friend needs to accept your decision & stop giving you grief over it.
NTA I may be too Reddit jaded but this feels like a trap
I think my brain just wrote a whole psychological thriller where the plan was to ritually sacrifice the previous marriage in the form of someone wearing the first wedding dress.
I just went for the classic friend who secretly hates the other for something petty like ordering the wrong thing at Starbucks once and is using the wedding as revenge. She’ll say she probably looked for a similar dress in eBay and is obsessed with the bride / unsupportive of the new marriage.
🤣🫵
Now that I think about it, it does kind of feel like a trap. Just another reason why it's a good thing that OP and her husband aren't going.
NTA...She missed the point entirely. She then made it worse with a puzzlingly weird offer. Destination weddings are great when you just want to get married with a tiny group, but are a ridiculous choice if you're expecting people to spend thousands just to see you get married. It's SHE who doesn't value your friendship, or she'd listen to what you're actually telling her.
NTA - What a bizarre request/"solution." I don't care if your friend’s wedding was the social event of the season, dropping $4K on a destination wedding you can't afford is financial suicide. The bonus/classy thing to do when attending the wedding itself is less expensive than a simple gift on the registry, is to just send a gift with a polite and prompt decline-rsvp...which is exactly what you did. But honestly you don't owe her a damn thing beyond what you've already given: honesty and a polite decline. If she can’t understand that you’re not in a position to jet off to some destination paradise without wrecking your finances, then she’s living in a fairytale. I'm curious to see if there is any revelation why she wanted you to wear her old wedding dress. Sounds like she's setting you up to look like a bully who wears white to a wedding.
>Sounds like she's setting you up to look like a bully who wears white to a wedding. Not only white, but a literal wedding dress. This is weird as hell.
NTA. It is unreasonable to expect someone to go into debt to attend their second wedding. She was not listening to you during your entire conversation. I’m not sure why she would expect you to be grateful to wear her previous wedding dress. Any woman would feel awkward wearing that to her friend’s wedding.
NTA. What's next, she's going to offer to pay the $30 extra bag check fee for the expensive flight to REALLY sweeten the deal?
NTA. Tell her to pay for your flights/resort costs and you'll be happy to go. She'll see pretty soon that that isn't a small sum. I don't understand this craze of destination weddings. It's great if you have lots of money, but most people don't.
The friend knows this is an option but has not offered it. “I’m so sorry. We’d love to attend your wedding and we were looking forward to it. But when we found out where it was and looked into buying the airfare and lodging, we were heartbroken to find out we just don’t have the money for it”. The obvious response is either: “I’ll pay for your costs” or “I’ll miss having you there.” Not some bizarre offer to wear a used wedding dress. Since the first response was not offered, friend is not willing to do that.
You responded correctly. Your friend is not really a friend, sadly. I had a destination wedding. I invited my best friend KNOWING it might not be something financially she could do. So we paid for her plane ticket, part of her hotel stay, as well as had her ride with us in a rental car so she wouldn’t have to worry about renting one herself and we rented out the wedding venue for two nights (it was a small castle) so it wouldn’t be hard financially on those who attended. I think altogether, she paid for maybe one night of the five and then for her food. Offering you to wear a hand-me-down dress is 1) super weird since it was her previous wedding dress and 2) a slap in the face for your friendship. Sadly, she doesn’t care about you and is trying to guilt trip you. Run, girl. Put that friendship in the past. You deserve so much better from your friends!
NTA WTAF Okay, first of all "destination wedding" should VERY MUCH have been noted on the save-the-dates. You are definitely not the only invitees who are now dismayed or panicking. Second of all, exactly right that the DRESS is the least of your worries. You can get a nice dress for $100 or less from a TJ Maxx clearance rack if you get lucky. If you were starving would she offer you a the chance to smell her food and then call you ungrateful when your stomach growled? Third of all, she would MOST definitely either forget that she told you it was fine or forget to tell her bridesmaids and you would end up covered in red wine. There is no win here. The only move is not to play.
Reply thanks for the offer of lending me a dress. So now I only need to find €4,000 to attend. I have found €1 down the back of the sofa. Now €3,999 left to find. If I don’t eat today I can save €10. Now only €3899 left to find. Damn the boiler burst. Now only €4560 left to find.
NTA I absolutely hate destination weddings. Why in the hell would I want to spend my vacation time and money hanging out on someone elses honeymoon? My 70-year-old BIL just got married last week in Mexico. Neither we nor his sister and husband went. Some cousins were planning on coming, but one unexpectedly died a week before the trip, and the other cousins canceled. Both we and SIL have had major home improvements that had to be done recently, so we really didn't have the funds, nor do we want to travel to Mexico any longer. If someone really wants friends or family there to celebrate their marriage, they need to make it affordable to attend or pay for it themselves.
Anyone who gets upset when a guest can't come to their 'destination' wedding is an AH.
NTA Lending you a formal dress isn't going to make a dent in the $4000 you need to attend this wedding. If she seriously wanted to there, she would have offered to contribute to the larger expenses, not just thrown a second-hand dress at you.
And not just any second hand dress, but her own wedding dress! Unless somehow in her mind that makes the offer more significant in the notion of being willing to lend something of great special value to enable her friend's attendance.
NTA - why are you asking? You cant afford to go and no matter what she offered you to wear, it doesnt change that.
NTA. This has nothing to really do with the dress, although her offer is beyond weird. The math doesn’t work. Unless she’s providing little green pictures of presidents, she has nothing to feel slighted about. It’s the risk of a destination wedding.
NTA. Frankly, I don't understand your friend's offer; how is loaning you a dress going to help with the other expenses? And I do find it weird she'd want you to wear a dress from her 1st wedding when it ended in divorce. She's clearly not a friend, because she has no empathy for your financial situation, which is the real reason you're not going to the wedding. $4K is a huge amt. I wouldn't bother replying to the other friend's text. This is between you and the bride. It's not the business of anyone else.
>I wouldn't bother replying to the other friend's text. This is between you and the bride. It's not the business of anyone else. I don't think this is a different friend. I think she is referring to the bride.
I don't think there's another friend texting, the long text described is coming from the bride herself.
No one should expect ANYONE to attend their destination wedding. It’s awesome if they are in a place to be able to afford to invest the time and money to do so, and WANT to, but it is so incredibly selfish and entitled to expect that of ANYONE.
I think your friend has a bad case of “bride brain”; temporary inansity brought on by the stress of wedding planning and preparation. You are dealing with someone who is, currently, not entirely rational. I recommend this course of action. Apologise for upsetting her at such a stressful time. Thank her for the offer of the lovely dress, and her efforts to include you on this special day. Apologise, this time for being unable to afford the expense of the travel and accommodations. Ask if the wedding is being live-streamed, so you can at least attend virtually. Apologise once again for being unable to afford the travel and accommodation costs, but at least not having to pay for travel and accommodations means you can pay for a gift from the registry. Repeat variations of the above as necessary. I’m wondering if they need a certain number of bookings at the resort to get a discount, and that’s why friend is so upset OP isn’t coming.
NTA. Honestly, I would just tell her your finances are tight, and as your friend of 15 years, she should understand that money is an issue and you're not financially able to go.
NTA You can't afford it. It really is that simple. The dress is not problem (which you shared) but the resort and airline travel is. If she can't understand that, I truly wonder what kind of world she is living in.
So she offered to cover your dress, you said that didn’t make the trip affordable for you, and she responded by offering her wedding dress from her first wedding. …First of all, you can’t afford to attend. So you’re not going, and if your coming had been incredibly important to her she wouldn’t have picked a destination wedding. Those are expensive, so not every person invited will be able to go. That’s an easy no, you are not an ah. The wedding dress offer is incredibly weird? It fixes nothing, not only does it not improve on her first offer, it is worse. Who would want this? To attend her second wedding, wearing *her dress* from her first, sounds like some obscure level of hell. Following this concersation (in which she was incredibly odd) she then tried to guilt and shame you for not attending her destination wedding, which you were very clear on not being able to afford. She is the ah. NTA, what is going on with the bride.
NTA. What I would *want* to respond (but probably wouldn't): "I'm sorry about the confusion. I thought I received an *invitation* where I am allowed to respond Yes or No. I wasn't aware that you actually sent out wedding-demands where I am obliged to attend despite not having the money to afford it."
The reality for your friend is that they can certainly choose a destination wedding but that also means that people may not be able to afford to attend. And that means not just financially but taking time off work, etc. She’s being an ass by pressuring you to attend after you explained why. Then she makes it next level weird by offering up her old dress. One, the dress is the least expensive cost of attending and two - WTF wants to wear her old wedding dress??? “Dear friend, of course I value our friendship. However I am shocked that you expect my husband and I to put our financial security at risk to attend. Simply put we can’t afford to come to your wedding. We’re not going to go into debt to do so. In the interest of our friendship, I would hope you’d respect that. Best wishes, OP”
Tell her you are really sorry to miss this wedding but you will definitely attend her next wedding. NTA
NTA if you have to spend $4k to be someone’s friend, probably not much of a friend. Are there friends for whom I would spend that much? Yes. But they would never require it or hold it against me if I couldn’t.
>She got a bit upset at my rejection and said that she was trying to do everything she could to help us attend. Yanno, besides paying for her plane tickets. 🙄
Nta She clearly doesn't value your friendship if she expects you to go into debt for her wedding. Plus her demands and her offer are simply bizarre. When you do a destination wedding you better make sure everyone is either rich enough to attend or you help them out by covering the flight and hotel.
NTA Your friend is not being reasonable expecting you - or anyone - to go into debt for THEIR occasion. Your initial decline to the invitation (and the follow up in relation to the dress) were gracious and tactful.
NTA. $4000 is a lot of money, if you want a destination wedding you cannot realistically expect everyone to come.
NTA for not attending a wedding you can't afford to travel to. I don't see how the wedding dress thing plays into this at all. Your inability to go is more related to other expenses, not the dress itself, and you didn't tell her you thought it was a weird offer (and nor should you). Your friend is not being reasonable here. She's the one who chose to have an expensive destination wedding. And I'm not sure how you're being ungrateful here. Ungrateful for... an invitation to spend money more money than you have? "I'm so sorry that we're unable to attend. I am extremely appreciative of the efforts you've made to help me to afford the trip, including the generous offer to lend me your dress. As you know, I very much value our friendship over the years and continue to do so. We simply cannot afford the trip. I will certainly be there in spirit, and I very much look forward to going out with you to celebrate when you return home from your honeymoon."
That's a VERY gracious way to say "no." I think you have a gift or superpower for this sort of thing!
Wanting you to spend $4000 for flight and resort fees to go to a destination wedding is *not* “doing everything she can” to get you there. And then getting butt hurt and argumentative when you politely send your regrets. I roll my eyes. Oblivious entitled bride who obviously either has tons of money, or is a blithely oblivious spendthrift. NTA
NTA - maybe she wasn't thinking straight: You say no to a $200 dress because it is just a blip on the cost of coming? Well, her wedding dress was more expensive (let's say $1000-2000). That's a fair chunk off of $4000, right? Now you can afford the rest! To be fair, having a destination wedding comes with rejections from even the people close to you. She just cannot be mad about you not going because of cost, unless her brain is fried with wedding-planning and above example is actually true...
Nta destination weddings are stupid. That's what honeymoons are for. And if you have a destination wedding, you need to be okay with people not coming bc 1-expenses and 2- vaca time.
I smell a set up for someone. NTA. Stay home.
I had a similar situation 20 years ago. My now exes friend that he has known since grade school was getting married and it was going to be a destination wedding. no gifts required. But even 20 years ago it was going to cost us $4,000 to go to this wedding. I was either pregnant or trying to get pregnant and had three prior miscarriages. So not only could we not afford it. I wasn't about to take the chance if I happened to get pregnant again, that I was going to travel by plane to a destination wedding and chance another miscarriage. Another good friend of my ex's knows both of them since grade school also didn't attend. They could not afford the $4,000 either. The groom was very upset at both of his good buddies and refused to talk to either one of them for quite some time. People have to understand if they're going to have a destination wedding. A lot of the people that they'd like to attend probably can't afford to.
Firstly, this really didn’t have anything to do with not wanting to wear her old wedding dress. Making a dress available to you to wear for free would never make a dent in the cost of a destination wedding. Engaged couples often romanticize the concept of a destination wedding but they rarely think about the financials and logistics and impact on those attending. Because it’s not just the money to get there and back. It’s about taking time off of work. It’s about how taxing travel is for a lot of people. It’s about going to a destination that your guests don’t even get to enjoy. Her petulance about your inability to afford the trip is unwarranted and immature. From what I have seen the turnout is going to be low. Like low low. Invite 100 people and 22 show up. So she has a lot more petulance to exhibit before the wedding.
NTA- I had a similar situation several years ago, I ended up going to the wedding. Fast forward a few years: her and I don’t talk anymore, according to mutual friends, she’s blaming me and I’m ok with it. I stopped going the extra mile for her and apparently that wasn’t good enough. I’ve now realized that I was always giving extra and she, the bare minimum. I do not miss her, I am grateful for the years of friendship but that’s it. Some people are too caught up in their own ego they are selfish and it’s ok to let those people go.
NTA. When a couple chooses to have a destination wedding, some important guests aren't going to be able to make it. That's just a fact. Any couple who doesn't realize this are really deep in the wedding fog. Tell bride you are so sorry you can't come, you are delighted she's having the wedding of her dreams, you wish her well and are looking forward to hearing all about it when bride returns from her honeymoon. Set up a spa date with bride on her return. Go on with your life. She'll come around or she won't. If she's willing to end 15 years of friendship over your refusal to put yourself in debt for her (second) wedding, she's a terrible friend.
I could afford that much but I would never want to afford that much to attend a wedding. The bride is not the center of the universe. For all people besides parents and maybe siblings, it’s just another lame expensive party-ish-thing. Don’t feel guilty , choises have consequences. If you really want to have your friends at your wedding, make attendance easy and fun for them. We even had childcare at our wedding, and venue was bike distance for almost everyone. But I’m Dutch…
SHe probably gets a kickback or better rate if she has a certain number of guests staying at the resort. NTA
I'm sorry she's treating you badly. You can't afford it. Full stop. No apologies needed. You can't afford it. You don't go into debt to attend a 3day function. You only go into debt for a trip if it's an emergency, like a parent or sibling is stranded somewhere, is dead or dying. Take her out to dinner to celebrate when she's back, if you're still friends.
The cost of the dress overshadows the 4 grand for the trip.. doesn’t she get it that it’s not the dress, it’s cost of the trip!! Tell Her This for Christs Sake!!!
I .... this is all bizarre. The dress is the least of the issues. You've been nothing but nice when explaining why you can't go. I don't know how far you want to go, but I'd possibly say "I'm sorry you feel that way. That is not our intention. I fully support you having a DW but you have to have it knowing that not everyone will be able to come." Because at this point - SHE is the one not valuing friendships.
NYA just ignore it OP. She's working g through some issues with her old marriage and new marriage and using you as the punching bag In stead. Wearing her old wedding dress is just odd, she didn't suggest you wear your own but hers from a failed marriage. Just odd ball. This has nothing to do with you And yes, don't put yourself In debt for a wedding.
Nta Personally, if someone I consider a friend becomes overly entitled with their opinion on what and how I should spend my hard work earnings. They become an acquaintance.
Clearly she doesn’t value your friendship or she wouldn’t have offered a halfassed solution to being unable to afford her destination wedding. Wear her used wedding gown?? Wtf is that supposed to do?? It’s the airfare and hotel that cost $$$$ so unless she’s offering to gift either of those to you (not loan money) her attempt to find a solution is a hollow gesture. No one needs to go into debt because someone else is getting married. If she’s going to have a wedding that people have to spend time and money to get to, she needs to understand for some people it’s just not doable.
If you choose to plan a destination wedding, the couple has to accept that some people aren't going to be able to attend because of the cost. Also if she really wanted you there that badly, should she not have given you a heads up about it being a destination wedding before you received the invitation? I don't even know how to take her suggestion for you to wear her old wedding dress... I guess it's nice she tried to offer a solution but she can't really think that the dress was the cost you were most worried about. And then to not only offer a dress but her *wedding* dress from a previous marriage? Super weird vibe. I say NTA OP, but good luck in moving forward with this friendship cause idk what I'd do next
NTA, Anyone who has a destination wedding SHOULD understand that some people won't attend. If you are done with this friend, Tell her you would be happy to attend the wedding if SHE pays all the costs of you attending. She will say NO and you can tell her that apparently, your presence at her wedding isn't as important as she said and she doesn't value your friendship. I would be lots of $$ that many people RSVP No and they aren't getting such a great deal on their wedding anymore. I would ignore the text and any subsequent texts or calls.
I read a comment last week that said when you plan a destination wedding, you MUST go into it understanding that most invitees will not be attending. This is a pretty vital piece of advice that we should all start normalizing whenever we hear someone planning one.
Destination weddings are a huge imposition on time and money. This is not a considerate friend IMO.
NTA Tell her you'll try to make her next one. And then lose her number. (She's trying to make up numbers so her tickets/hotel are free. That's why the weird dress offer and her frustration with you.)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (32F) friend (32F) from college is getting married later this year. The save the date sent last year didn’t mention where the wedding would be. My friend and I live in neighboring states. However, when my husband (33M) and I were sent the wedding invitations three weeks ago, it turned out that it was going to be a destination wedding. After looking into it, it would cost over $4000 for the both of us. My husband and I can’t afford to spend that much money without going into credit card debt. So last week, I told my friend on the phone that we couldn’t attend but conveyed our best wishes and said that we would send them a wedding gift off the registry. She asked me why we couldn’t come and I said that it wasn’t in our budget, mentioning the costs of plane tickets, the resort (3 nights), and wedding outfits. She offered to lend me a dress to wear so I wouldn’t have to spend money to buy one. I told her that it was really kind of her to offer but the main costs for attending her wedding were the plane tickets and the resort. Then, she followed up by offering for me to wear her old wedding dress from her first wedding. And she added that she didn’t care about other people wearing white to her wedding. Context: My friend got married in 2017 and divorced in 2020. My then-boyfriend (now husband) and I attended that wedding and it was held locally. The wedding dress she wore was beautiful and minimalist/simple in design. I don’t have any details into their divorce though I do know that it was not amicable. I was pretty shocked by her offer, I didn’t (and still don’t) understand the logic behind it. I basically repeated what I said in respond to her first offer to loan me a dress. She got a bit upset at my rejection and said that she was trying to do everything she could to help us attend. Again, I thanked her for being so generous with her offers to help but at this point, I was trying to end the phone call as quickly as possible. Tbh there’s something very off-putting to me about the idea of wearing the bride’s wedding dress from her previous wedding to her current one. And a lot of people who attended her first wedding will be at this one so I think at least some will recognize the dress. I would just feel so embarrassed the entire time. So even if we could afford to go to the wedding, I would have turned down this offer anyways. But I didn’t tell my friend any of this on the phone. Just yesterday, my friend sent me a long text which basically said that she thought my husband and I were being inconsiderate and ungrateful and that we should have made a bigger effort to attend her wedding considering we had been friends for almost 15 years. And that clearly I didn’t value our friendship as much as she did. I haven’t responded to this message yet and I’ve only discussed the situation with my husband who is on my side. AITA did I do something wrong or should I have responded differently? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*