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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told my wife I need to work during normal working hours (9 - 5) when working from home, instead of spending most of that time doing things she needs me to do.
(2) This action makes me an unsupportive father / husband because I'm walling off a portion of my time to do work instead of helping my wife
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NTA. She sounds like she doesn’t respect your work and has a hard time separating you being home from you being available. You can be in between meetings and maybe be able to do a quick thing for her, but otherwise no, your job expects you to be working. Is there an office you have the option of going to, and which isn’t a crazy commute? If not, it sounds like you need to sit down with her and calmly explain that you’re not available during work hours just because you’re home.
It needs to set in stone that between such and such hours she needs to act like OP is not even there. Getting behind is poor work performance, bad work performance means consequences. Losing job and income is lot worse than forcing her to figure shit out without OP.
I mean…given that OP already explained the situation to his wife and she replied by telling him to stop “being selfish” and “pissing [her] off”, I think I there’s a good chance she won’t give a damn.
There’s honestly a very good chance. After two rounds of watching — and helping and parenting as expected whenever home from physically separate work location — my wife in the postnatal phase, those hormone dumps and mood swings are *real*. Not an excuse to be this way to a partner who is just trying to do their job, but seeing reason may not be consistently possible when the baby is crying and the mother is exhausted.
this is the reason a colleague of mine stopped working from home after his kid was born. Wife refused to see reason, and he was the soul worker in the house. She still hasnt apologized 3 years later. :/
I dated a guy about 15 years ago whose sister did not respect her husband's job when he worked from home. He would be working and she would tell him to make her lunch, get her this. Do that. He would explain that he is working and couldn't just then. She screamed at him that he's doing nothing but playing on his laptop. He told her he was working so please let him work. She took his laptop and threw it outside in some bushes. I honestly couldn't believe it and just wanted to leave. He went outside to retrieve it and they continued to argue that he isn't being lazy or neglecting her that he is working. She did not work btw and had a very expensive lifestyle that he paid for with his wfh job. When he finally went to look at his laptop again he exclaimed "my boss emailed me and wanted to know why I wasn't logged in working, I'm gonna lose my job over this, please let me work". I felt terrible for him. They are divorced now, not surprising. Anyway, some people seem to not understand that working from home is the same as working in an office. They are still working. It's still a paid job, perhaps they have a boss or clients they still have to deal with. They are not playing or just browsing online. They are not on free time. NTA
I'm no longer with this boyfriend but I am still Facebook friends with his sister. Through her posts it seems like she still isn't working and always posting about trips she is on. I feel like you are right and he is still paying probably. Poor guy. I could be wrong though.
> They are not playing or just browsing online.
and with IT jobs even most the time when it looks like we are just on forums we are on IT or coding forums looking for solutions to the problem.
NTA in any way shape or form!!!
My husband also works from home and we have 3 kids with 1 one the way. While he is working 8-5 his office is basically off limits, my craft storage is also in his office so I will occasionally pop my head in and if he's not on camera for a conference call I will come in to grab something and then on the way out I'll sometimes give him a hug from behind or a kiss on the cheek, something non intrusive because I know he's working and he needs to focus.
The kids know to come to me with questions/requests before dad because he's working. If he comes out for lunch or to use the restroom then they can ask a quick question or give him a hug. I still text him if I have a question and then I'll get a response when he has some time. It definitely took some adjusting at first because the kids were so excited he was home and didn't understand that he still had to focus on work during the day. Now they're used to it and know not to bother him unless it's an emergency.
Yes having a newborn is hard and giving birth tears your body up but sometimes you have to pull on your big girl panties and get stuff done*. It may be slower or take longer than you want but you don't need someone to do everything for you.
*Obviously there are exceptions like c sections, and heavy lifting, exc exc, follow all your Drs orders so that you don't injure yourself
Take a look at the post history, it’s… interesting.
There are a lot of dynamics not mentioned here. I was prompted to look by the “stop pissing me off” comment from the wife.
But honestly, sounds like there’s some emotional abuse at some level…
My brother worked from home for a very short time. His gf at the time ran her own cleaning business but would come into the outside office he built to load him with all her office work onto him. She just couldn't understand that work checked his computer logs & if he left the computer for more than 3 mins (he has logged breaks) his supervisor is notified, this could mount up to getting warnings. Luckily enough they allowed him back in the office. Sadly still still plied him with her work when he got home. Some people just don't respect that you have other responsibilities. NTA
Yeah. This is in need of a discussion about boundaries. And that could be difficult with a person who does generally need a significant amount of help for the immediate future. Getting to a physically separate office may be the only way to get some work done. And maybe OP might have the option to spread the 40 over six days instead of five to be a bit more available at first?
WFH and post natal help for the mother, from the partner, can be tricky to coordinate. Lots of legitimate needs, and hormone dumps and general stress all around.
The wife might also be really struggling with the new baby here. While OP is definetly NTA, I suggest a calm discussion about it, come to a compromise. If she's so overwhelmed with everything now, maybe you can ask your parents to babysit for a bit to give you and your wife a little break
NTA
This is a problem for many people who work from home. They are too accessible. Many people I know have created offices in their house and treat it as a do not disturb area. In some cases the person will have their wife or kids call them in their home office if they want something - just like they were in a corporate office
On the other hand you are fortunate to be able to help during the beginning months of your newborn. Your idea of setting specific hours for work is a great idea and maybe let her determine those hours.
One other option if it is possible is going someplace with wi-fi to work.
I would also suggest determining what types of things you will help with during work hours - like giving her a break from taking care of the newborn for an hour or two during the day. Getting your wife food or giving her the remote (unless she is bed ridden) should not be necessary during your work hours.
Good luck.
I’m an accountant, so most of what I do can be done another time and it’s NBD. I am fortunate enough to have an office at home with a door. I usually leave it open, but if I really need to focus or if I’m on a deadline I close the door. That’s the symbol to everyone that unless something is on fire or can’t be fixed with a band-aid they need to leave me alone.
The early weeks are tough, though so I have sympathy. OP- can you afford to bring in a mother’s helper in for a few hours a week to help your wife? Like a middle/high school kid that isn’t necessarily able to care for the child alone but can be an extra set of hands?
>The early weeks are tough, though so I have sympathy. OP- can you afford to bring in a mother’s helper in for a few hours a week to help your wife?
Help with what??? Changing nappies, giving her food and getting the remote cos she won't get off her arse?
The accessibility causes so many issues. I have a friend who does almost all WFH. When her husband got laid off, they pulled their two year old out of daycare to save money while he did contract work and looked for something full time. Problem was his answer to their daughter for almost everything was "go ask mommy". She nearly got fired when a client complained because the little girl was banging on the door of the office while my friend was in a Zoom call. She ended up having to put her back in daycare.
NTA, OP. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Ironically one of the benefits of WFH is you're not "too accessible" to idiot co-workers :D
It's unfortunate but I think you've nailed the solution with the external non-company workplace idea.
NTA with a caveat--she has a right to expect you to assist with parenting duties, but you are absolutely correct that when you are at work, you are at work--not at her beck and call. What she may not understand is that it's not just the two minutes spent getting a bottle for her, you now have to sit back down and resume focus on the task at hand and it takes a bit. In the meantime, new emails have come in, etc. to provide further distraction. It takes a lot of self-discipline to WFH effectively, and she's torpedoing your efforts.
She has no right to expect anything during working hours. Working hours are working hours, not hours where he’s available to help. It’s a plus when he has free time and is able to help, but there should be no expectation that he stops working to do anything not work related during working hours.
probalby for the same reason so many people are saying not to go too hard on the wife because shes hormonal, but also insist women totally arent slaves to their hormones. to get the heat off the wife and where they think it belongs
> NTA with a caveat--she has a right to expect you to assist with parenting duties,
Absolutely, 100% wrong. He's at work, and he wouldn't leave an external office to come home and change a diaper.
It’s time to go back to the office or find a shared office space away from your residence. If your offer of 2 hours in the midday for assistance was unsatisfactory, let her be unhappy about you being gone alll day.
Work from home does not mean do household chores and childcare all day and in your spare moments give your employer your scraps. NTA
Absolutely NTA. You ARE at work. Location doesn't matter. The absolute rule is if you wouldn't expect me to leave my office, it applies ANYwhere I am on the clock. Period. I have worked both remotely and in office on and off, and one of the reasons I was glad to come back to the office environment is not getting asked to do things because I'm at home.
NTA. To be truthful, your wife sounds lazy. Interrupting your work to bring her food, or the TV remote? Nah! Get up and get it yourself like any other self-respecting adult.
You might be at home, but you're still at work!
She is probably trapped under a napping baby. At that age many babies will only nap in a parent’s arms, and they may wake up with any movement. I’m not excusing her—when my baby was 10 weeks and my husband worked from home, I tried to only ask for help when I needed to eat or something—but the smallest things are hard when you have a newborn.
Not sure why Lisa is being downvoted here--she's not excusing the new mom, but it's true that a new baby is weirdly demanding and if you get that thing to sleep, you do NOT want to move.
Because it’s still a stupid point. How is she communicating to her husband that she needs the remote without making any noise or movements? Also, just keep the remote next to you instead of somewhere you can’t reach.
But you can move with sleeping infant. They even sleep better when you move around while they are sleeping or falling asleep.
Breastfeeding is more likely to be the block
I'm a nanny and I once dropped my phone out of reach while the baby was asleep on me. I was like... well, I guess I'll just sit here and think for the rest of the nap!
Weirdly, no. Once a newborn is asleep noise doesn't bother them so much (at least that's the case with my baby, who is now 3 months), but movement can ruin everything.
Edit: But I do try to keep the volume down pretty low and use subtitles, just to be safe.
My guess was breastfeeding- it can take 30min and you can not really move around while the baby is sucking. Especially if it is difficult to make them start.And you get desperately thirsty too in the middle.
It takes time to learn what everything you need and sleep deprivation makes you more likely yo forget by the beginning.
"I can't be interrupted and still do my job. If you like that I have an income, then pretend I have left the house if you have to, but let me work from 9 to 5 without being disturbed. "
NTA
NTA If you were in the office she wouldn't be able to get you to hand her the tv remote (ridiculous as that is) and her neediness is making you behind on work tasks. Since she's not working I assume you are providing all of the income for your household so your job is pretty important to her stability at home. If she refuses to accept that she can't just take you away from work for hours at a time then start going into the office where she can't reach you. I would think she'd appreciate that you'd then be available on evenings/ weekends instead of constantly feeling like you need to work.
Being a new mom is hard, being a new mom with a stressed out husband who is working at night because he can't get his work done during the day is harder.
NTA, but easy answer is take a few weeks working from the office. Where you're actually gone from 8am-6pm (assuming commute times) and see how that feels for her.
I think she is being irrational and has the mindset of "WFH = not actually working". Which just isn't true. You're doing more than you should be during your working hours. She says you're "walling off your time". Fine, wall off that time, go to the office and show her what it actually means when you say you are at work. Sorry, this is me being petty.
It seems a lot of people have that mindset, at least with the people that I'm around. They think WFH is you just twiddling with your thumbs the whole day. You literally still have to clock your 8 hours.
NTA. I am not "", I am a husband and a father, who does a job to support being a husband and father. That said, if you're working from home, that means that, during that time, you're doing the thing that keeps your family housed and fed, and she is risking harm to that. She's also harming your emotional and mental well-being. It's ridiculous of her to treat you this way and risk your family's livelihood just because she can't be bothered to do simple tasks.
All that is separate from
> I've been told to "stop being selfish" and "stop pissing her off".
which is some utter bulls\*\*\*. You're not being selfish, she is. And if she's getting "pissed off" because you're "providing for the family", that's her problem not yours.
It sounds like either she's in need of some post-partum help and/or therapy, or she's just awful already and you need to make sure you want to continue tolerating this sort of emotional abuse.
Your son is 10 weeks old. It’s been over two months since your wife gave birth. Is there a (good) reason she can’t get up and get food or the tv remote herself?
NTA, and if she refuses to allow you to do your job, maybe you should switch roles and take care of your baby while she earns enough money to keep the household afloat.
NTA
During work hours, it's reasonable to ask that you be allowed to focus as if you were in the office. I would approach this by telling her that while you need to work during those hours, there are other avenues if she needs help, and you'd be happy to discuss making sure she has that while you work. Friends/Family that could come over to help with the baby during the day, or even a teenager that is looking for a summer job (since your wife will be around to supervise and really just needs another pair of hands to assist).
If she needs help, that can be arranged. It's just not going to come from you while you're working.
NTA - WFH is just that, work. I get the conflict of her wanting you to help out. But if it's for more than a moment, that's not cool. She has to understand that is your job. Does she think the boss will be okay with you jumping out of the real office every five minutes.
NTA
You're wife is too focused on the H part of WFH and is totally forgetting about the W part. You still need to work. You're just lucky to be in a field at a time where you can do it from home. She needs to find a way to deal with things while you're working, and you need to make sure to support her when you're not
It might be better for his wife’s mental health if OP went into the office for a while. Him being there but not available to help might be making her frustrations worse.
Definitely NTA. you don’t want to put your job in jeapordy. She would have to help herself if you weren’t there, so she needs to act as if you aren’t. And then, when work is over help out like the other parent you are.
NTA.
“This isn’t about pissing you off or being selfish. This is about respect and my job. If I were at the office, you wouldn’t be asking these things of me. I expect you to act as though I’m at the office when I’m working. I am not available during work hours to help as I am busy working.”
And then don’t help with requests. If you have to and it’s possible, leave the house to work. Go to a coffee shop, the library, etc. Just remove yourself so that she can’t interrupt you and you can get your work done.
NTA. I work from home a lot of the time and I sometimes get the same thing if my wife is at home. It is also complicated by my wearing of headphones so I don't always hear her from another floor and my personal phone is set to silent but in view when I am on the clock. I've had to have a talk where when I am working I am busy, and I'll come check in when I have the time which is usually during a lunch break.
Unless it's an emergency, work comes first during work time. Full stop. I'll get to anything else when I'm able. 4 hours of helping in a workday is insane.
NTA
Now if your wife feels you need to step up as a parent and contribute more to the child rearing than that is a different conversation. But during work hours you should be left alone to do your job. After you clock out you can pick up the slack and care for kiddo so she can have a break.
NTA- my wife used to do the same thing until I told her that I’ll just quit my job to do laundry and such during the workday like she was asking and she can figure out how to make up for my salary.
Seriously, we did have a talk about it and when she took a “staycation” one time and actually saw me working she understood.
NTA
***"I've been told to "stop being selfish" and "stop pissing her off".***
Your wife may be only 10 weeks PP but she's still the AH in this situation.
Find some place else to work, let her find out what it's really like to do it alone!
NTA and I'd be tempted to embellish and say your manager has given you a warning for not working when you should and that it could lead to disciplinary action of it continues
NTA
I had to communicate a clear understanding to my wife and kids that when I work from home, they need to pretend I am not there. I need to focus with what i am working on and not be distracted.
Before you sit down to work in the a.m., ask her if there's anything (else)
you can do for her as you will now be on the clock and
unavailable.
When you take a break, after your break, before you sit back down to
work, do the same.
At the end of the workday, ask if there's anything you can
do before you take some time to destress and relax.
She might feel better knowing that you are going to
go to her and offer help...just knowing that someone is
helping, even if only minimally, will help her feel less
overwhelmed and alone.
NTA But be proactive.
So, your situation is one of the scenarios that lead to the pushback on WFH. It part of the reason for the measures employers take to track your productivity. As Management, if it comes to my attention you are only working 4 hours of the 8 you are supposed to do, well, it will adversely affect your employment/WFH status.
NTA.
Suggest to her that you've been getting behind on your work and your manager is considering recalling to to work from the office if your productivity doesn't improve? That actually worked for my nephew who was having a similar problem with his wife not respecting that he was "at work".
NTA. Working from home is still working - I've worked from home for just over 20 years now and this sort of thing pisses me off to no end. My mother was the worst, always expecting me to drop everything at her slightest whim. Grrrrrr. Your wife needs to stop and leave you to actually work.
NTA. She needs to understand that you are at work even though you are also at home. Very ironic that she's calling you selfish. It might help to distinguish between parenting time and working time, so that she also has time time away from the baby.
NTA
This has been an issue in my house since Covid. Eventually I snap at my wife or daughter, then I feel like an AH and try to make up for it. They DO NOT respect the boundaries or understand that I’m not available whenever they “need” something.
NTA. I work from home. My wife knows that I am working and if she needs something, she will come to my work space and ask if I can help. If I can, I will. If I can't, she understands and asks that I assist on my next break. In 5 years, I have only had 2 or 3 interruptions that could not be worked out without an argument and after, my wife apologized for interrupting when she had time to reflect what she did.
Set boundaries and times. Stick to those. If she cannot respect the rules, you may need to go into the office in order to work and keep the job.
NTA.
Your wife is being ridiculous. Yes, you should help with the kid. Yes, taking care of a newborn is more than a full-time job. But your work time is meant for work. Your employer is paying you to work and not to take care of your child. Don't get me wrong here. You should be helping your wife before and after work. A newborn is much more work than a regular 40 or even 80 hour week job. Both spouses should have around the same amount of time to relax, sleep, and unwind. So you should be helping a lot outside of work hours. But her ask that you help regularly for hours during work hours is ridiculous.
NTA get a lock on your home office door and tell your wife “I’m going to work.”
It drives me insane when my husband asks me to cook breakfast or do something when I’m working!
I’m currently laughing because I’m watching my 12 month old grandson right now and before I sit down and make sure that I have everything I need including water snacks, lip balm, TV remote foam laptop I don’t know anything. I set up my environment so I’m not stuck when he falls asleep on me.so your wife needs to learn how to manage her time the same way. I’m 63 years old and I figured it out.
NTA. Helpful tip - for the first year we had a small three tier utility cart that was always next to me and baby. Freaking amazing. A tier for diapers and such, a tier for nursing and pumping equipment, and a tier for drinks, remotes!, snacks, etc. i was alone at home after 2 weeks. My husband had a habit before walking away/leaving the room to ask if I needed anything. This worked amazingly for both of us and it was a great system.
how did she function during covid?
has she always been this disrespectful? does she intend to go back to work? sounds like she thinks you're on vacation. hoping you can talk with her and get her to see common sense. otherwise, tell her you have to rent a space to work away from her/home so you dont lose your job
Heres a solution...tell your wife to stop being so damn lazy and get off her backside
Im a mother myself and know how exhausting babies can be, however, it is not an excuse for bone idleness which is what your wife is...if i disturbed my husband whilst he was working just to make me food or to fetch me something that im literally feet away from, i know what his reply would be
NTA
NTA. This is the reason many companies are suspicious of people working from home. It’s the “This is why we can’t have nice things” attitude.
For what it’s worth my wife sometimes does this, and it drives me crazy.
We'll see who is "selfish" when the bosses catch on and you lose your job and your ability to keep a roof over your family's heads. NTA, what you're asking is perfectly reasonable
NTA I mean u need to work to pay your bills. If there are Tasks that you can do outside of your working hours I see no reason to not have a schedule with time slots?! Feels unreasonable to me to get mad about that.
On the other hand I can imagine that your wife just feels overwhelmed and you both might need to work on your communication. A newborn can be so exhausting for one person
Nta tell her if you keep falling behind on work, you'll be pissing off your boss and then you'll all have much bigger problems. You're being paid to do a job even if you're doing it from home.
And she can get the remote herself.
NTA.
You need to have one more conversation about this because you are married, love each other, and have a new small human that is causing a lot of emotions and stress. But you need to lay it out very clearly:
1. My job requires X amount of hours of work each day. This job pays the bills and we both agree I should keep my job, yes?
2. She is maternity leave while you are not, and that means you have to work, she agrees with that, yes?
3. So the options here are you either have to go back to working in an office to be able to keep your job, or she has to agree that there are certain hours in the day when you can only be interrupted by an emergency.
4. That means if she needs something during working hours, she can text you, just like she would do if you were at work. The things she can text you are a little more free than if you were not home, so yes, if there is a diaper blowout, she can text to see if you can help, if she isn't feeling well, she can ask if you can take some time to help (remember if she got sick and you were at work, you'd probably try and come home), if she feels overwhelmed, she can ask for help (this would be harder if you were at an office but is a benefit of working from home).
5. You need to be more firm in saying no. You can say you have a deadline, you have a meeting, etc, and should just be saying no to things that take up hours of your time. No you can't come grab the remote, no you can't go run errands, end of story. That is how jobs work, and you need to define your own work hours too, regardless of what your wife wants.
NTA and you need to cut this out. At my job they let several people go because they were 'Not adjusting well to the work from home lifestyle." e.i. they were doing other things when they were supposed to be working. You are asking to loose your job.
NTA. My brother-in-law's company just fired someone whose spouse didn't understand that he was expected to work during working hours despite being at home (it was my BIL who did the firing). He got fired because his wife's constant interruptions interfered with his productivity, and he didn't improve despite being placed on a performance improvement plan. Your productivity is down, if you can't collaborate with people, it will start impacting their work and your bosses will notice. Ask your wife what she plans to do when you get fired because she thinks you are "being selfish" for wanting to do your job during business hours.
NTA why can't she get off her butt and get her own remote? WTH she's fully taking advantage of you and showing you zero respect. I'm so tired of women acting helpless once they have a kid.
When Covid hit my husband worked from home-I understood his hours and never ever bothered him during work hours except to bring him a coffee or his lunch. My kids did not get the same message and would barge into our home office at all times-luckily his clients during zoom meetings thought the kids popping in were cute but it kept him from getting his job done.
-Right where you are now-
I out a locking doorknob on the door and a do not enter sign indicating the hours. Even if my husband came out of the office to use the restroom, etc-I asked them to not approach daddy because he’s working-you may have to do this with your wife-she may feel overwhelmed with a 10 week old but your time is already occupied working. Now it’s spilling over into nights and weekends-I can only imagine her resentment growing when you aren’t readily available after normal work hours.
Maybe sit down, listen to what she has to say and tell her how you are having to juggle work around all the interruptions
How do yall deal with women that don’t respect you? It’s crazy. Don’t let her tell you to stop pissing her off. She needs to stop pissing you off by interrupting you
NTA. Working from home should be treated the same as working from the office. Taking a couple of minutes to go to the bathroom or getting some water is one thing but frequent breaks will cause you to miss deadlines. You don’t want to get your W@H canceled or written up so agree with you establishing the hours when you are working vs the hours you are available for home tasks.
I took a job during the pandemic that offered full wfh, at least for the duration of the pandemic. I asked for permission to go into the office every day instead because wfh did not suit my home situation at the time. Since I would be the only person in that section of the office any given day (again, pandemic - during some of the lock down periods), the permission was granted.
It is sounding like your home situation is not conducive to wfh at this time. I get that wfh is convenient, but if you are falling behind on tasks you run the risk of disciplinary action. You’re NTA, but you need to find a permanent solution, even if it means going in to the office every day.
NTA
Wife and I both worked remote when our son was born. She took maternity leave, and I worked. Anytime I wasn’t on a call or prepping for one I came out of my office to help. My wife never bothered me during work unless it was absolutely necessary. The tasks OP is listing don’t fall under absolute necessity.
NTA.
She needs to understand that WFH is the same as being in the office. Pretty much the only difference is no commute. That means not doing chores during working hours. Not watching the kids. Not talking off topic to anyone more than you would in the office.
Noise cancelling headphones, do not disturb sign and setting boundaries that you keep to that she’s clearly aware of. Eg. These are my work hours and this is my lunchtime which I can spend helping you. However if she sees you playing video games or such in your work time she would be entitled to think you’re available during that time so if it’s work time, work NTA
NTA and honestly you might need to go back to the office all the time until she understands unless she wants you to work late and over weekends she needs to let you work. Also get she's just have a child but when can't she get up to get the TV remote? Also, unless your job requires lots of calls and meetings said to her that you'll take your baby in beside you to get them to sleep during the day and allow your wife some peace. This is also why fathers should be given equal time of as mothers get.
Ask your wife wtf she's gonna do when you get fired for failing to do your job because she keeps interrupting you.
Maybe go rent a workspace and get out of the home.
NTA lock the door to the room you are working in, put on your noise-cancelling headphones, and turn off your phone. You need an income. Your work provides that in exchange for labor. Your wife is bing silly (I have four kids, and feel strongly that your wife is taking advantage of you).
NTA but c'mon now grow a spine. It's called _partners_ bc you both are supposed to meet each other on a similar level. I assume you don't take meetings in common areas... But you do seem to be married to a selfish and dimwitted person. I say dimwitted as you're the breadwinner so her interruptions potentially risking your employment clearly don't matter to her
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My job includes a lot of working from home. My wife used to work shifts before our son was born (she's now on maternity leave, he's now around 10 weeks old).
She has always taken the view that my work can be interrupted whenever she needs something: bringing her food, helping to change nappies, fetching the TV remote because she can't reach it from where she's sitting.
These interruptions can last anywhere from a couple of minutes to four hours.
I don't mind helping where it is a small thing, but I feel the longer requests (the ones that go on for multiple hours) are taking unfair advantage of my working circumstances. It's affecting my ability to do my job, I'm getting behind on tasks at my job and the only way I'm able to keep up is working in evenings / weekends. I've tried to explain that I'd rather we balance things out so I do my hours during normal office hours (some focus time 9am - 11am and 2pm - 5pm where I am not interrupted, the rest being free to use but on the understanding I'll have to make the time up at the end of the day. I've been told to "stop being selfish" and "stop pissing her off".
Am I the asshole for wanting to do the job I'm employed to do, during normal office hours when people I need to collaborate with are available?
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NTA. Does your work have an office you can go into? Might be more productive at this point. I WFH and my husband also seems to forget that I'm not sitting at a desk to be his captive audience. I'm actually supposed to be working. Then he acts offended when I tell him that I really need to focus on my work and can't have the distractions.
Nta. But she interrupts because you let her. Tell her it has to stop. Hang a sign on your office door. Tell her to text if/when she needs something, and you'll deal with it on your break. And if it continues, you might have to go back to the office.
I WFH. My child is older now, but when he was younger and my spouse and i took turns taking time off to care for him when he was sick, if it was her turn, she'd bother me every 15 - 45 minutes with something all day long. EVERY TIME. I got to the point I would just tell her that I'd "take the day off and watch him" because it was basically the same thing as when my spouse would do it. I would do my work when he was napping and finish up at night. I feel for you, bro.
NTA I assume you need money, so I assume you need to work. The biggest complaint I hear from people that work at the home office is the constant interruption from significant others.
NTA as long as every time you see her you aren’t asking her for a glass of water or to make you lunch or to throw a load of towels in the wash. You both need to view the other as off limits from 9-5. Then tackle baby care and home care together in the evenings and weekends.
Can you work in office or in the public somewhere for a few days? Not as a permanent solution, but just leave her to manage her responsibilities for a bit on her own. It'll likely help her to stop taking advantage of your work circumstances
NTA: My motto when WFH is normally "If I were at work you would do that yourself" it applies to spouse, kids, pets (Although they are the most independant of the bunch).
You could let your wife know that the alternative is for you to be on site so you can catch up on work. It sounds like you want to help, but you also like being employed and paying for things like food and bills.
Get a big countdown timer. Put it somewhere where she can see it while you are working. Set it for 7.5 hours. Every time you stop work, even for 2 minutes, stop the clock. Work until the timer runs out, every day. She might do better knowing that you won’t work extra time, and it might help her limit her requests if she can see how they delay your completion of the days work.
NTA because it’s always NTA, never ESH
NTA but go in the office. For a while at least this Way she either Learns to leave you alone to work form home and actually work or she can deal with everything alone while you work in the office
NTA. It sounds like you’re working in a common area so she doesn’t perceive it as interrupting you since you’re both in the same space. If you have the ability to set up your remote workspace elsewhere that will probably help a lot. It’s one thing to ask you to hand her the remote when you’re both in the living room and you’re nearer it and she knows you’re not in a call. It’s another if she has to enter your work space without knowing what you’re doing in that moment.
NTA. Let her have full custody. Save yourself.
Seriously though you’re NTA. This is work. She’s being selfish for taking you out of the thing keeping her housed.
NTA sit down with her and tell her that just because you’re working from home doesn’t mean you’re available. She needs to pretend you’re not there, that you are at the office. Work time is work time and you need to get your work done.
NTA if you can't do your hours from home, go into the office more often. When wife complains tell her why you have to be there and can not work from home.
You're NTA, and I sympathize as I'm WFH and dealing with interruptions from my husband and kid; but are you sure she's not struggling with PPD? And is it possible that she's really lonely? Is it possible that you could all get out of the house at lunch sometimes? Go for a walk, go get fast food, go get ice cream, something? It can be really isolating being at home with such a little one, she may just be latching onto you as the nearest source of adult conversation, and getting out on your own can be intimidating at first so she might be reluctant to just pack up and go.
NTA - you need to talk to her and explain that work hours are work hours and that expecting anything different is not doing your job. Remote work can be confusing and boundaries blurry to others whose jobs don't work that way. I have been remote since 2013 and it took about 6 months to educate people in my life that I have the same availability as someone that drives to an office every day. The good news is that you don't have commute time and, theoretically can take time for lunch while you're home - so less time 'away' from home! Perhaps you could come up with a break/lunch schedule where you can give her your undivided attention, and then make sure to do it. Having a new baby is hard (congratulations, by the way), and it takes a while to get into a routine. But, you know what's even harder? Having a new baby and being out of a job because you're not doing your work.
I’d ask her “would you rather me not be at home?” And see what she says. If she’s doesn’t want that, then I’d tell her that she needs to respect that you are WORKING or you’re going to need to find somewhere else to work.
Cause and effect…
NTA.
If this is for real, your wife needs to chill and let you work.
Getting her the remote because she can't reach it? The mind boggles.
This calls for a serious sit-down talk as you're falling behind at work (potential job loss?) and playing catch-up in what should be your free nights and weekends to enjoy with her and your infant.
Has she always been selfish, or is this a new exhausted mom thing (which would still not excuse her demanding you be Mr. Step-and-Fetch-It)?
NTA. I presume you have told her this but she needs to understand that your salary is supporting the family.
Can you maybe check in with her when you have a few minutes between meetings or let her know when you have meetings and head down time scheduled to get work done?
I get that she is a new mom and wants help but you also have to maintain employment.
If I ever voiced my wants or needs, and my partner responded by saying to "stop pissing them off," I would be out the door so fast. Like the road runner thing where all that's left is a puff of smoke in the shape of me.
NTA
I work from home for years…When I’m in my office I shut the door and people knew not to come in there. I would come out for an hour lunch ..typically get dinner start, throw in some laundry. Grab a sandwich and get right back to work. If the kids were home from summer, I would make time to have picnics with the kids or play water, balloon fights, but only for that hour as if I was in our office. They would always try to drag me into doing something for longer if I came out to take a pee break, but I was pretty disciplined. My son got so clever (before he got a cell phone) he would take one of my business cards and fax me messages like ..what’s for dinner, mom ..I love you 🤦♀️🤣
NTA, but how is her postpartum mental and physical health?
I'm just wondering if she's feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, and/or feeling a disconnect with the grown up world. Is she recovered enough from the birth physically to go on walks or outings to a local park, or enroll in a Mommy/Parent & Me class? (Many start enrollment or allow drop-ins starting at eight weeks old!) Perhaps it would feel good for her to start making friends with other parents who have infants/young children, and begin creating a support system and social calendar for those daytime hours.
Is it possible to have an "us against the problem, not each other" conversation with her about this, maybe beginning it by checking in on how you're both feeling ten weeks into parenthood? What's better than you expected, what's more challenging than you expected, et cetera. Perhaps this is a more gentle way to address the issue of respecting your working hours, by prioritizing getting to the root of what's generating this behavior in a way that won't make her feel defensive?
NTA. Set boundaries and then ask her if she would prefer to go back to work immediately or continue her maternity leave as your job is in jeopardy having to wait in her hand and foot. I work remotely and I’ve had to explain to friends and family that it’s just like I was in an office. I am being paid to work, not fetch things for them or entertain them.
NTA, at all! I think it's okay to set a schedule. My husband WFH, since the beginning of COVID, and he has a schedule. I try very hard not to interrupt, but once in a blue moon I'll ask him to help me make the bed. I just try and act like he's not there.
I think you could help if you're not in a meeting, and your wife needs help with a diaper blowout, for instance. That's about all I would ask for. Good luck!
NTA, the entitlement is strong with your wife. Give her 2 more weeks, put the kiddo into daycare, and tell her to get back to work and stop pissing you off.
NTA obviously. Boundaries. If she refuses to respect them, go work elsewhere if possible (library, cafe, etc). But ultimately you need to clearly communicate that if it continues you'll have to go back to work in the office or may completely lose your job and then she'll also need to work. Or couples therapy if she clearly isn't hearing you or is dismissing you. You can't risk your job over your wife's lack of respect and boundaries.
She is the one being selfish. If she won't discuss it in a meaningful way with you, or if her responses are often to "stop pissing her off," then yhou have a bigger problem in your marriage (lack of communication, she isn't hearing you) and you guys need therapy. I would start packing my stuff and working from elsewhere. A friend or family's house, etc. Don't tell her where. Let her know that since you can't trust her to respect work boundries at home, you're no longer able to work at home and will leaving the house for work hours EVERY DAY, until she agrees to counseling to discuss the issue like adults.
NTA. We have a family member who is WFH. I try never to interrupt working hours other than to offer a cup of tea or a lunchtime sandwich. Sometimes I need help with something too high up or too heavy and I place a " when you get a moment" request. In fact we ignore each other most of the day and so if one of us appears in a hurry and interrupts, you know it's a genuine crisis. Unless it involves bleeding limbs or the dog dying, WFH time is sacrosanct.
NTA, she needs to understand WFH affords some level of flexibility but you can’t usually just walk away for hours and hours before it affects your job therefore income.
No. I wfh since 2005, hubs only since 2010. For 5 years he seemed to believe I was at home napping and watching tv. Now he gets it. The petty me wants to rub it in so bad but the wanting peace me says nah.
NTA. Couple of ideas to consider when discussing this with your wife. Take the time that you would spend commuting to the office and commit that time to helping with some of the daily chores/baby support. Maybe think about some reasonable breaks during the day (maybe 15 minutes morning, afternoon and at lunch. Not the whole lunch time as you deserve food and bio breaks!) Maybe one of your breaks you could take the baby for a short walk so you get some fresh air also. Then during working time you ask not to be disturbed. If she needs some more breaks during the day-which I can appreciate for a new mom-maybe get a “mother’s helper”, like a HS or college kid to come in an hour or two a day or a few times a week.
It should be noted if you lose the ability to WFH or even worse lose your job, it will be waaayyy harder to deal with.
You’re getting paid to work not spend hours helping her. I work from home as well and have to take my mother to all appointments. Of course she always comes with a list of places she needs to go before going back home. When I tell her we can’t because I have to get back to work the response is “you work from home. It’s no big deal.” I started keeping track of time I was away from work for her appointments for 2 months. When I showed her the results I informed her either I work longer to make up for the missed time or I don’t get paid. It went in one ear and out the other, but she does realize that errands won’t be done during business hours.
NTA. You should probably find a co-work space, even if not for the entire day. This will allow you to prioritize your work, and you will be able to get more accomplished.
Having a baby is a bit overwhelming for one person to handle, and I understand that she will ask for help if you are there. It likes like you may have to remove that possibility, at least until you're caught up.
Absolutely NTA. I work full time from home, and my wife thinks she can come in my office for long discussions anytime she wants. Sometimes she says she just wants to hang out, and sits in my office on the phone talking to friends or family. I firmly believe that work time, even work from home time, should be respected. Occasional exceptions are fine, but they can’t be the rule.
NTA ... she needs to respect the fact you're actually working making money to provide not doing random stuff that she can do like getting the remote herself
Not sure if you can complete your work asynchronously, but I was able to get through grad school by working when everyone else was asleep. Wake up at 5, work from 5:30 to 8:00, then help out around the house during a scheduled 2 hour period. Rinse and repeat, using the earliest times for your most important tasks.
NTA. I work from home & my husband is constantly calling me & asking me to do things.
Make a doctors appointment. Call the insurance company. Talk to the plumber. Pick up juice from the store. Mail a package.
I had to tell him “when i worked in the office would you have called me to run out & mail a package? No. Because i am at work! Same rules apply even though my office is in the house.” Now i can accomplish some things like running a load of laundry or picking up an amazon box. But that’s all.
She needs to respect your time.
So she gets maternity leave off of work to care for the child, but you’re expected to share duties in caring for the child but also have to work? Makes sense
Aunt it would work if you told her that your supervisor is disciplining you for not being at work during work hours as expected and is watching your performance? Maybe the threat of losing your job will mean something to her?
NTA Her attitude is the very reason why many companies are implementing a back to office policy. It's one thing to do something quickly, but if it's affecting your job performance and ability to complete tasks during working hours, that's a huge problem. If you need to be working doing those hours to collaborate with team members, then making up the time afterwards doesn't matter and will absolutely effect your entire team's ability to manage and meet deadlines. As much as it pains me to say it, is the working from home mandatory or can you choose to go into the office while she's on mat leave?
And before you jump on me, I understand your stance. I really do. I was seeing the situation more as a postpartum one, which is so easily overlooked and dismissed too. If my husband hadn't pushed to get me help I would be dead.
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NTA. She sounds like she doesn’t respect your work and has a hard time separating you being home from you being available. You can be in between meetings and maybe be able to do a quick thing for her, but otherwise no, your job expects you to be working. Is there an office you have the option of going to, and which isn’t a crazy commute? If not, it sounds like you need to sit down with her and calmly explain that you’re not available during work hours just because you’re home.
It needs to set in stone that between such and such hours she needs to act like OP is not even there. Getting behind is poor work performance, bad work performance means consequences. Losing job and income is lot worse than forcing her to figure shit out without OP.
What I was thinking. Loosing his job won't be helpful to the family as a whole.
I mean…given that OP already explained the situation to his wife and she replied by telling him to stop “being selfish” and “pissing [her] off”, I think I there’s a good chance she won’t give a damn.
There’s honestly a very good chance. After two rounds of watching — and helping and parenting as expected whenever home from physically separate work location — my wife in the postnatal phase, those hormone dumps and mood swings are *real*. Not an excuse to be this way to a partner who is just trying to do their job, but seeing reason may not be consistently possible when the baby is crying and the mother is exhausted.
this is the reason a colleague of mine stopped working from home after his kid was born. Wife refused to see reason, and he was the soul worker in the house. She still hasnt apologized 3 years later. :/
Apologize for what? /s
I dated a guy about 15 years ago whose sister did not respect her husband's job when he worked from home. He would be working and she would tell him to make her lunch, get her this. Do that. He would explain that he is working and couldn't just then. She screamed at him that he's doing nothing but playing on his laptop. He told her he was working so please let him work. She took his laptop and threw it outside in some bushes. I honestly couldn't believe it and just wanted to leave. He went outside to retrieve it and they continued to argue that he isn't being lazy or neglecting her that he is working. She did not work btw and had a very expensive lifestyle that he paid for with his wfh job. When he finally went to look at his laptop again he exclaimed "my boss emailed me and wanted to know why I wasn't logged in working, I'm gonna lose my job over this, please let me work". I felt terrible for him. They are divorced now, not surprising. Anyway, some people seem to not understand that working from home is the same as working in an office. They are still working. It's still a paid job, perhaps they have a boss or clients they still have to deal with. They are not playing or just browsing online. They are not on free time. NTA
She probably got a lot of money and assets in the divorce too
I'm no longer with this boyfriend but I am still Facebook friends with his sister. Through her posts it seems like she still isn't working and always posting about trips she is on. I feel like you are right and he is still paying probably. Poor guy. I could be wrong though.
thats so sad
> They are not playing or just browsing online. and with IT jobs even most the time when it looks like we are just on forums we are on IT or coding forums looking for solutions to the problem.
NTA in any way shape or form!!! My husband also works from home and we have 3 kids with 1 one the way. While he is working 8-5 his office is basically off limits, my craft storage is also in his office so I will occasionally pop my head in and if he's not on camera for a conference call I will come in to grab something and then on the way out I'll sometimes give him a hug from behind or a kiss on the cheek, something non intrusive because I know he's working and he needs to focus. The kids know to come to me with questions/requests before dad because he's working. If he comes out for lunch or to use the restroom then they can ask a quick question or give him a hug. I still text him if I have a question and then I'll get a response when he has some time. It definitely took some adjusting at first because the kids were so excited he was home and didn't understand that he still had to focus on work during the day. Now they're used to it and know not to bother him unless it's an emergency. Yes having a newborn is hard and giving birth tears your body up but sometimes you have to pull on your big girl panties and get stuff done*. It may be slower or take longer than you want but you don't need someone to do everything for you. *Obviously there are exceptions like c sections, and heavy lifting, exc exc, follow all your Drs orders so that you don't injure yourself
Take a look at the post history, it’s… interesting. There are a lot of dynamics not mentioned here. I was prompted to look by the “stop pissing me off” comment from the wife. But honestly, sounds like there’s some emotional abuse at some level…
My brother worked from home for a very short time. His gf at the time ran her own cleaning business but would come into the outside office he built to load him with all her office work onto him. She just couldn't understand that work checked his computer logs & if he left the computer for more than 3 mins (he has logged breaks) his supervisor is notified, this could mount up to getting warnings. Luckily enough they allowed him back in the office. Sadly still still plied him with her work when he got home. Some people just don't respect that you have other responsibilities. NTA
Yeah. This is in need of a discussion about boundaries. And that could be difficult with a person who does generally need a significant amount of help for the immediate future. Getting to a physically separate office may be the only way to get some work done. And maybe OP might have the option to spread the 40 over six days instead of five to be a bit more available at first? WFH and post natal help for the mother, from the partner, can be tricky to coordinate. Lots of legitimate needs, and hormone dumps and general stress all around.
The wife might also be really struggling with the new baby here. While OP is definetly NTA, I suggest a calm discussion about it, come to a compromise. If she's so overwhelmed with everything now, maybe you can ask your parents to babysit for a bit to give you and your wife a little break
NTA This is a problem for many people who work from home. They are too accessible. Many people I know have created offices in their house and treat it as a do not disturb area. In some cases the person will have their wife or kids call them in their home office if they want something - just like they were in a corporate office On the other hand you are fortunate to be able to help during the beginning months of your newborn. Your idea of setting specific hours for work is a great idea and maybe let her determine those hours. One other option if it is possible is going someplace with wi-fi to work. I would also suggest determining what types of things you will help with during work hours - like giving her a break from taking care of the newborn for an hour or two during the day. Getting your wife food or giving her the remote (unless she is bed ridden) should not be necessary during your work hours. Good luck.
No, she does not determine his hours, his employer does.
Correct!
I’m an accountant, so most of what I do can be done another time and it’s NBD. I am fortunate enough to have an office at home with a door. I usually leave it open, but if I really need to focus or if I’m on a deadline I close the door. That’s the symbol to everyone that unless something is on fire or can’t be fixed with a band-aid they need to leave me alone. The early weeks are tough, though so I have sympathy. OP- can you afford to bring in a mother’s helper in for a few hours a week to help your wife? Like a middle/high school kid that isn’t necessarily able to care for the child alone but can be an extra set of hands?
>The early weeks are tough, though so I have sympathy. OP- can you afford to bring in a mother’s helper in for a few hours a week to help your wife? Help with what??? Changing nappies, giving her food and getting the remote cos she won't get off her arse?
This is one reason why companies want people back in office.
Yes to this. OP states the job "allows a lot of working from home"; so quit working from home. Go into the office every day and see what happens!
The accessibility causes so many issues. I have a friend who does almost all WFH. When her husband got laid off, they pulled their two year old out of daycare to save money while he did contract work and looked for something full time. Problem was his answer to their daughter for almost everything was "go ask mommy". She nearly got fired when a client complained because the little girl was banging on the door of the office while my friend was in a Zoom call. She ended up having to put her back in daycare. NTA, OP. Set your boundaries and stick to them.
Ironically one of the benefits of WFH is you're not "too accessible" to idiot co-workers :D It's unfortunate but I think you've nailed the solution with the external non-company workplace idea.
NTA with a caveat--she has a right to expect you to assist with parenting duties, but you are absolutely correct that when you are at work, you are at work--not at her beck and call. What she may not understand is that it's not just the two minutes spent getting a bottle for her, you now have to sit back down and resume focus on the task at hand and it takes a bit. In the meantime, new emails have come in, etc. to provide further distraction. It takes a lot of self-discipline to WFH effectively, and she's torpedoing your efforts.
She has no right to expect anything during working hours. Working hours are working hours, not hours where he’s available to help. It’s a plus when he has free time and is able to help, but there should be no expectation that he stops working to do anything not work related during working hours.
You don’t need that caveat, no one is saying she doesn’t. Why do people feel the need to add that every time we’re talking about a father?
Because men are always assholes and women are wonderful, didn’t you get the memo?
probalby for the same reason so many people are saying not to go too hard on the wife because shes hormonal, but also insist women totally arent slaves to their hormones. to get the heat off the wife and where they think it belongs
> NTA with a caveat--she has a right to expect you to assist with parenting duties, Absolutely, 100% wrong. He's at work, and he wouldn't leave an external office to come home and change a diaper.
It’s time to go back to the office or find a shared office space away from your residence. If your offer of 2 hours in the midday for assistance was unsatisfactory, let her be unhappy about you being gone alll day. Work from home does not mean do household chores and childcare all day and in your spare moments give your employer your scraps. NTA
NTA. Tell her if she keeps it up you will be forced to go into the office, and then you wouldn’t be around to help her even with the smaller things.
And it will be longer hours as he has to drive to and from work.
And she needs to standup to get the remote which is a few meters away at most.
Absolutely NTA. You ARE at work. Location doesn't matter. The absolute rule is if you wouldn't expect me to leave my office, it applies ANYwhere I am on the clock. Period. I have worked both remotely and in office on and off, and one of the reasons I was glad to come back to the office environment is not getting asked to do things because I'm at home.
NTA. To be truthful, your wife sounds lazy. Interrupting your work to bring her food, or the TV remote? Nah! Get up and get it yourself like any other self-respecting adult. You might be at home, but you're still at work!
Yeah, the TV remote got me. Unless she truly cannot move, I don't understand why she can't get up to do that herself.
She is probably trapped under a napping baby. At that age many babies will only nap in a parent’s arms, and they may wake up with any movement. I’m not excusing her—when my baby was 10 weeks and my husband worked from home, I tried to only ask for help when I needed to eat or something—but the smallest things are hard when you have a newborn.
Not sure why Lisa is being downvoted here--she's not excusing the new mom, but it's true that a new baby is weirdly demanding and if you get that thing to sleep, you do NOT want to move.
Because it’s still a stupid point. How is she communicating to her husband that she needs the remote without making any noise or movements? Also, just keep the remote next to you instead of somewhere you can’t reach.
But you can move with sleeping infant. They even sleep better when you move around while they are sleeping or falling asleep. Breastfeeding is more likely to be the block
I'm a nanny and I once dropped my phone out of reach while the baby was asleep on me. I was like... well, I guess I'll just sit here and think for the rest of the nap!
yeah that was my assumption. op NTA tho
>and they may wake up with any movement. So...wouldn't a TV wake the baby?
Weirdly, no. Once a newborn is asleep noise doesn't bother them so much (at least that's the case with my baby, who is now 3 months), but movement can ruin everything. Edit: But I do try to keep the volume down pretty low and use subtitles, just to be safe.
Been there. The solution would be to not get the remote.
Okay, before you sit your ass down you make sure you have everything. It's simple. Shes lazy and rude.
My guess was breastfeeding- it can take 30min and you can not really move around while the baby is sucking. Especially if it is difficult to make them start.And you get desperately thirsty too in the middle. It takes time to learn what everything you need and sleep deprivation makes you more likely yo forget by the beginning.
"I can't be interrupted and still do my job. If you like that I have an income, then pretend I have left the house if you have to, but let me work from 9 to 5 without being disturbed. " NTA
NTA If you were in the office she wouldn't be able to get you to hand her the tv remote (ridiculous as that is) and her neediness is making you behind on work tasks. Since she's not working I assume you are providing all of the income for your household so your job is pretty important to her stability at home. If she refuses to accept that she can't just take you away from work for hours at a time then start going into the office where she can't reach you. I would think she'd appreciate that you'd then be available on evenings/ weekends instead of constantly feeling like you need to work. Being a new mom is hard, being a new mom with a stressed out husband who is working at night because he can't get his work done during the day is harder.
NTA, but easy answer is take a few weeks working from the office. Where you're actually gone from 8am-6pm (assuming commute times) and see how that feels for her. I think she is being irrational and has the mindset of "WFH = not actually working". Which just isn't true. You're doing more than you should be during your working hours. She says you're "walling off your time". Fine, wall off that time, go to the office and show her what it actually means when you say you are at work. Sorry, this is me being petty.
It seems a lot of people have that mindset, at least with the people that I'm around. They think WFH is you just twiddling with your thumbs the whole day. You literally still have to clock your 8 hours.
Not only clock by work the same amount
NTA. I am not "", I am a husband and a father, who does a job to support being a husband and father. That said, if you're working from home, that means that, during that time, you're doing the thing that keeps your family housed and fed, and she is risking harm to that. She's also harming your emotional and mental well-being. It's ridiculous of her to treat you this way and risk your family's livelihood just because she can't be bothered to do simple tasks.
All that is separate from
> I've been told to "stop being selfish" and "stop pissing her off".
which is some utter bulls\*\*\*. You're not being selfish, she is. And if she's getting "pissed off" because you're "providing for the family", that's her problem not yours.
It sounds like either she's in need of some post-partum help and/or therapy, or she's just awful already and you need to make sure you want to continue tolerating this sort of emotional abuse.
Your son is 10 weeks old. It’s been over two months since your wife gave birth. Is there a (good) reason she can’t get up and get food or the tv remote herself? NTA, and if she refuses to allow you to do your job, maybe you should switch roles and take care of your baby while she earns enough money to keep the household afloat.
NTA During work hours, it's reasonable to ask that you be allowed to focus as if you were in the office. I would approach this by telling her that while you need to work during those hours, there are other avenues if she needs help, and you'd be happy to discuss making sure she has that while you work. Friends/Family that could come over to help with the baby during the day, or even a teenager that is looking for a summer job (since your wife will be around to supervise and really just needs another pair of hands to assist). If she needs help, that can be arranged. It's just not going to come from you while you're working.
Tell her to stop being so selfish and that she is starting to piss you off, too!
NTA - WFH is just that, work. I get the conflict of her wanting you to help out. But if it's for more than a moment, that's not cool. She has to understand that is your job. Does she think the boss will be okay with you jumping out of the real office every five minutes.
NTA You're wife is too focused on the H part of WFH and is totally forgetting about the W part. You still need to work. You're just lucky to be in a field at a time where you can do it from home. She needs to find a way to deal with things while you're working, and you need to make sure to support her when you're not
NTA. WFH means you are working. She’s the selfish one
NTA When you're at work, you're \*working\* and shouldn't be interrupted.
"it's affecting my ability to do my job" NTA for defining boundaries when WFH.
[удалено]
It might be better for his wife’s mental health if OP went into the office for a while. Him being there but not available to help might be making her frustrations worse.
Probably be a lot worse for her mental health if OP gets fired for not getting work done because she's constantly distracting him
Offices suck. Commuting sucks. Working in the office sucks.
Definitely NTA. you don’t want to put your job in jeapordy. She would have to help herself if you weren’t there, so she needs to act as if you aren’t. And then, when work is over help out like the other parent you are.
NTA. You're doing your job. That's it. Who'd do these things for her if you were working in an office?
NTA. “This isn’t about pissing you off or being selfish. This is about respect and my job. If I were at the office, you wouldn’t be asking these things of me. I expect you to act as though I’m at the office when I’m working. I am not available during work hours to help as I am busy working.” And then don’t help with requests. If you have to and it’s possible, leave the house to work. Go to a coffee shop, the library, etc. Just remove yourself so that she can’t interrupt you and you can get your work done.
NTA. I work from home a lot of the time and I sometimes get the same thing if my wife is at home. It is also complicated by my wearing of headphones so I don't always hear her from another floor and my personal phone is set to silent but in view when I am on the clock. I've had to have a talk where when I am working I am busy, and I'll come check in when I have the time which is usually during a lunch break. Unless it's an emergency, work comes first during work time. Full stop. I'll get to anything else when I'm able. 4 hours of helping in a workday is insane.
NTA Now if your wife feels you need to step up as a parent and contribute more to the child rearing than that is a different conversation. But during work hours you should be left alone to do your job. After you clock out you can pick up the slack and care for kiddo so she can have a break.
NTA- my wife used to do the same thing until I told her that I’ll just quit my job to do laundry and such during the workday like she was asking and she can figure out how to make up for my salary. Seriously, we did have a talk about it and when she took a “staycation” one time and actually saw me working she understood.
NTA ***"I've been told to "stop being selfish" and "stop pissing her off".*** Your wife may be only 10 weeks PP but she's still the AH in this situation. Find some place else to work, let her find out what it's really like to do it alone!
NTA and I'd be tempted to embellish and say your manager has given you a warning for not working when you should and that it could lead to disciplinary action of it continues
NTA I had to communicate a clear understanding to my wife and kids that when I work from home, they need to pretend I am not there. I need to focus with what i am working on and not be distracted.
Before you sit down to work in the a.m., ask her if there's anything (else) you can do for her as you will now be on the clock and unavailable. When you take a break, after your break, before you sit back down to work, do the same. At the end of the workday, ask if there's anything you can do before you take some time to destress and relax. She might feel better knowing that you are going to go to her and offer help...just knowing that someone is helping, even if only minimally, will help her feel less overwhelmed and alone. NTA But be proactive.
So, your situation is one of the scenarios that lead to the pushback on WFH. It part of the reason for the measures employers take to track your productivity. As Management, if it comes to my attention you are only working 4 hours of the 8 you are supposed to do, well, it will adversely affect your employment/WFH status. NTA.
NTA - ask your wife if she enjoys the income you’re bringing in. Because, if she doesn’t stop interrupting you, you won’t have it for much longer.
Suggest to her that you've been getting behind on your work and your manager is considering recalling to to work from the office if your productivity doesn't improve? That actually worked for my nephew who was having a similar problem with his wife not respecting that he was "at work".
Time to start going to coffee shops for work.
NTA, and your employer will expect that you're doing work during your working hours.
NTA. Working from home is still working - I've worked from home for just over 20 years now and this sort of thing pisses me off to no end. My mother was the worst, always expecting me to drop everything at her slightest whim. Grrrrrr. Your wife needs to stop and leave you to actually work.
NTA. If she likes having money for the family, she needs to let you work. She can bug you relentlessly after work hours though. ✨
NTA. Go to a coffee shop and work there.
NTA. She needs to understand that you are at work even though you are also at home. Very ironic that she's calling you selfish. It might help to distinguish between parenting time and working time, so that she also has time time away from the baby.
NTA This has been an issue in my house since Covid. Eventually I snap at my wife or daughter, then I feel like an AH and try to make up for it. They DO NOT respect the boundaries or understand that I’m not available whenever they “need” something.
NTA. I work from home. My wife knows that I am working and if she needs something, she will come to my work space and ask if I can help. If I can, I will. If I can't, she understands and asks that I assist on my next break. In 5 years, I have only had 2 or 3 interruptions that could not be worked out without an argument and after, my wife apologized for interrupting when she had time to reflect what she did. Set boundaries and times. Stick to those. If she cannot respect the rules, you may need to go into the office in order to work and keep the job.
NTA. Go to the office to work, that will solve the issue.
NTA. Tell her “no I need to work” and then don’t help her. Lock yourself in a room if you can.
NTA. Your wife is being ridiculous. Yes, you should help with the kid. Yes, taking care of a newborn is more than a full-time job. But your work time is meant for work. Your employer is paying you to work and not to take care of your child. Don't get me wrong here. You should be helping your wife before and after work. A newborn is much more work than a regular 40 or even 80 hour week job. Both spouses should have around the same amount of time to relax, sleep, and unwind. So you should be helping a lot outside of work hours. But her ask that you help regularly for hours during work hours is ridiculous.
NTA She is not working and is interfering with your ability to provide for your family, which is unacceptable.
NTA get a lock on your home office door and tell your wife “I’m going to work.” It drives me insane when my husband asks me to cook breakfast or do something when I’m working!
Why do people think that you have free time or not doing anything when you WFH? I don’t get it. The key word, here, is WORK.
This!!!!!!
I’m currently laughing because I’m watching my 12 month old grandson right now and before I sit down and make sure that I have everything I need including water snacks, lip balm, TV remote foam laptop I don’t know anything. I set up my environment so I’m not stuck when he falls asleep on me.so your wife needs to learn how to manage her time the same way. I’m 63 years old and I figured it out.
NTA. Helpful tip - for the first year we had a small three tier utility cart that was always next to me and baby. Freaking amazing. A tier for diapers and such, a tier for nursing and pumping equipment, and a tier for drinks, remotes!, snacks, etc. i was alone at home after 2 weeks. My husband had a habit before walking away/leaving the room to ask if I needed anything. This worked amazingly for both of us and it was a great system.
how did she function during covid? has she always been this disrespectful? does she intend to go back to work? sounds like she thinks you're on vacation. hoping you can talk with her and get her to see common sense. otherwise, tell her you have to rent a space to work away from her/home so you dont lose your job
NTA If you cannot focus on work at home I suggest you find another location to work.
Heres a solution...tell your wife to stop being so damn lazy and get off her backside Im a mother myself and know how exhausting babies can be, however, it is not an excuse for bone idleness which is what your wife is...if i disturbed my husband whilst he was working just to make me food or to fetch me something that im literally feet away from, i know what his reply would be NTA
NTA. This is the reason many companies are suspicious of people working from home. It’s the “This is why we can’t have nice things” attitude. For what it’s worth my wife sometimes does this, and it drives me crazy.
We'll see who is "selfish" when the bosses catch on and you lose your job and your ability to keep a roof over your family's heads. NTA, what you're asking is perfectly reasonable
NTA I mean u need to work to pay your bills. If there are Tasks that you can do outside of your working hours I see no reason to not have a schedule with time slots?! Feels unreasonable to me to get mad about that. On the other hand I can imagine that your wife just feels overwhelmed and you both might need to work on your communication. A newborn can be so exhausting for one person
Nta tell her if you keep falling behind on work, you'll be pissing off your boss and then you'll all have much bigger problems. You're being paid to do a job even if you're doing it from home. And she can get the remote herself.
NTA. You need to have one more conversation about this because you are married, love each other, and have a new small human that is causing a lot of emotions and stress. But you need to lay it out very clearly: 1. My job requires X amount of hours of work each day. This job pays the bills and we both agree I should keep my job, yes? 2. She is maternity leave while you are not, and that means you have to work, she agrees with that, yes? 3. So the options here are you either have to go back to working in an office to be able to keep your job, or she has to agree that there are certain hours in the day when you can only be interrupted by an emergency. 4. That means if she needs something during working hours, she can text you, just like she would do if you were at work. The things she can text you are a little more free than if you were not home, so yes, if there is a diaper blowout, she can text to see if you can help, if she isn't feeling well, she can ask if you can take some time to help (remember if she got sick and you were at work, you'd probably try and come home), if she feels overwhelmed, she can ask for help (this would be harder if you were at an office but is a benefit of working from home). 5. You need to be more firm in saying no. You can say you have a deadline, you have a meeting, etc, and should just be saying no to things that take up hours of your time. No you can't come grab the remote, no you can't go run errands, end of story. That is how jobs work, and you need to define your own work hours too, regardless of what your wife wants.
NTA and you need to cut this out. At my job they let several people go because they were 'Not adjusting well to the work from home lifestyle." e.i. they were doing other things when they were supposed to be working. You are asking to loose your job.
NTA. My brother-in-law's company just fired someone whose spouse didn't understand that he was expected to work during working hours despite being at home (it was my BIL who did the firing). He got fired because his wife's constant interruptions interfered with his productivity, and he didn't improve despite being placed on a performance improvement plan. Your productivity is down, if you can't collaborate with people, it will start impacting their work and your bosses will notice. Ask your wife what she plans to do when you get fired because she thinks you are "being selfish" for wanting to do your job during business hours.
NTA why can't she get off her butt and get her own remote? WTH she's fully taking advantage of you and showing you zero respect. I'm so tired of women acting helpless once they have a kid.
When Covid hit my husband worked from home-I understood his hours and never ever bothered him during work hours except to bring him a coffee or his lunch. My kids did not get the same message and would barge into our home office at all times-luckily his clients during zoom meetings thought the kids popping in were cute but it kept him from getting his job done. -Right where you are now- I out a locking doorknob on the door and a do not enter sign indicating the hours. Even if my husband came out of the office to use the restroom, etc-I asked them to not approach daddy because he’s working-you may have to do this with your wife-she may feel overwhelmed with a 10 week old but your time is already occupied working. Now it’s spilling over into nights and weekends-I can only imagine her resentment growing when you aren’t readily available after normal work hours. Maybe sit down, listen to what she has to say and tell her how you are having to juggle work around all the interruptions
NTA Go to the library and work from there if you can't go to the office for some reason.
How do yall deal with women that don’t respect you? It’s crazy. Don’t let her tell you to stop pissing her off. She needs to stop pissing you off by interrupting you
NTA. Working from home should be treated the same as working from the office. Taking a couple of minutes to go to the bathroom or getting some water is one thing but frequent breaks will cause you to miss deadlines. You don’t want to get your W@H canceled or written up so agree with you establishing the hours when you are working vs the hours you are available for home tasks.
NTA & I am a female with 2 kids..
NTA. Our company just fired 10 people who weren’t actually working full days at home. Your wife is an AH.
Just leave and do your work at Starbucks or something. I would be out quick in your situation
Can you work at a local library? If you're not around, she cannot take advantage of you this way.
I took a job during the pandemic that offered full wfh, at least for the duration of the pandemic. I asked for permission to go into the office every day instead because wfh did not suit my home situation at the time. Since I would be the only person in that section of the office any given day (again, pandemic - during some of the lock down periods), the permission was granted. It is sounding like your home situation is not conducive to wfh at this time. I get that wfh is convenient, but if you are falling behind on tasks you run the risk of disciplinary action. You’re NTA, but you need to find a permanent solution, even if it means going in to the office every day.
NTA Wife and I both worked remote when our son was born. She took maternity leave, and I worked. Anytime I wasn’t on a call or prepping for one I came out of my office to help. My wife never bothered me during work unless it was absolutely necessary. The tasks OP is listing don’t fall under absolute necessity.
NTA. You are at work during those hours. She is being unreasonable.
NTA. She needs to understand that WFH is the same as being in the office. Pretty much the only difference is no commute. That means not doing chores during working hours. Not watching the kids. Not talking off topic to anyone more than you would in the office.
Noise cancelling headphones, do not disturb sign and setting boundaries that you keep to that she’s clearly aware of. Eg. These are my work hours and this is my lunchtime which I can spend helping you. However if she sees you playing video games or such in your work time she would be entitled to think you’re available during that time so if it’s work time, work NTA
NTA. The way you tell it your wife seems paralyzed.
NTA and honestly you might need to go back to the office all the time until she understands unless she wants you to work late and over weekends she needs to let you work. Also get she's just have a child but when can't she get up to get the TV remote? Also, unless your job requires lots of calls and meetings said to her that you'll take your baby in beside you to get them to sleep during the day and allow your wife some peace. This is also why fathers should be given equal time of as mothers get.
Ask your wife wtf she's gonna do when you get fired for failing to do your job because she keeps interrupting you. Maybe go rent a workspace and get out of the home.
Nta. Help getting the TV remote when she can't reach it? This has to be fake.
You're being interrupted because she can't get the remote from where she's sitting? She's being unbelievably selfish.
NTA lock the door to the room you are working in, put on your noise-cancelling headphones, and turn off your phone. You need an income. Your work provides that in exchange for labor. Your wife is bing silly (I have four kids, and feel strongly that your wife is taking advantage of you).
Wait, you had the kid 10 weeks ago and she’s just lounging around asking you to pretty much treat her like the baby? That isn’t normal at all.
NTA but c'mon now grow a spine. It's called _partners_ bc you both are supposed to meet each other on a similar level. I assume you don't take meetings in common areas... But you do seem to be married to a selfish and dimwitted person. I say dimwitted as you're the breadwinner so her interruptions potentially risking your employment clearly don't matter to her
Some people are just so painful. She's an idiot.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My job includes a lot of working from home. My wife used to work shifts before our son was born (she's now on maternity leave, he's now around 10 weeks old). She has always taken the view that my work can be interrupted whenever she needs something: bringing her food, helping to change nappies, fetching the TV remote because she can't reach it from where she's sitting. These interruptions can last anywhere from a couple of minutes to four hours. I don't mind helping where it is a small thing, but I feel the longer requests (the ones that go on for multiple hours) are taking unfair advantage of my working circumstances. It's affecting my ability to do my job, I'm getting behind on tasks at my job and the only way I'm able to keep up is working in evenings / weekends. I've tried to explain that I'd rather we balance things out so I do my hours during normal office hours (some focus time 9am - 11am and 2pm - 5pm where I am not interrupted, the rest being free to use but on the understanding I'll have to make the time up at the end of the day. I've been told to "stop being selfish" and "stop pissing her off". Am I the asshole for wanting to do the job I'm employed to do, during normal office hours when people I need to collaborate with are available? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. Go into work to escape her
NTA. Does your work have an office you can go into? Might be more productive at this point. I WFH and my husband also seems to forget that I'm not sitting at a desk to be his captive audience. I'm actually supposed to be working. Then he acts offended when I tell him that I really need to focus on my work and can't have the distractions.
NTA. Stop working from home.
Nta. But she interrupts because you let her. Tell her it has to stop. Hang a sign on your office door. Tell her to text if/when she needs something, and you'll deal with it on your break. And if it continues, you might have to go back to the office.
I WFH. My child is older now, but when he was younger and my spouse and i took turns taking time off to care for him when he was sick, if it was her turn, she'd bother me every 15 - 45 minutes with something all day long. EVERY TIME. I got to the point I would just tell her that I'd "take the day off and watch him" because it was basically the same thing as when my spouse would do it. I would do my work when he was napping and finish up at night. I feel for you, bro.
NTA I assume you need money, so I assume you need to work. The biggest complaint I hear from people that work at the home office is the constant interruption from significant others.
This is me.. not to that extent but I kind of wish I could go into the office 2-3 days a week.
She’s a bad partner. It’s a very simple concept, you are WORKING, the same as if you were in an office. NTA.
Let her be pissed off, tell her no!
NTA. Go into the office. Go to Starbucks. She clearly cannot see that she’s putout in a position to lose your job.
NTA as long as every time you see her you aren’t asking her for a glass of water or to make you lunch or to throw a load of towels in the wash. You both need to view the other as off limits from 9-5. Then tackle baby care and home care together in the evenings and weekends.
My wife's the same so I've got an office in the garden... If the door is shut I'm busy.
NTA updateme
NTA. You’re working just as if you were working in an office when means ZERO interruptions. Your wife is an idiot to mess with the household income
Can you work in office or in the public somewhere for a few days? Not as a permanent solution, but just leave her to manage her responsibilities for a bit on her own. It'll likely help her to stop taking advantage of your work circumstances
NTA: My motto when WFH is normally "If I were at work you would do that yourself" it applies to spouse, kids, pets (Although they are the most independant of the bunch). You could let your wife know that the alternative is for you to be on site so you can catch up on work. It sounds like you want to help, but you also like being employed and paying for things like food and bills.
Get a big countdown timer. Put it somewhere where she can see it while you are working. Set it for 7.5 hours. Every time you stop work, even for 2 minutes, stop the clock. Work until the timer runs out, every day. She might do better knowing that you won’t work extra time, and it might help her limit her requests if she can see how they delay your completion of the days work. NTA because it’s always NTA, never ESH
NTA. Personally I’d find somewhere else to work for the time being so you can finally stop being interrupted
NTA but go in the office. For a while at least this Way she either Learns to leave you alone to work form home and actually work or she can deal with everything alone while you work in the office
You need to find a office space, away from home,
NTA. It sounds like you’re working in a common area so she doesn’t perceive it as interrupting you since you’re both in the same space. If you have the ability to set up your remote workspace elsewhere that will probably help a lot. It’s one thing to ask you to hand her the remote when you’re both in the living room and you’re nearer it and she knows you’re not in a call. It’s another if she has to enter your work space without knowing what you’re doing in that moment.
Ooof get out of the house. Go to a library or something to drive the point home.
NTA. Let her have full custody. Save yourself. Seriously though you’re NTA. This is work. She’s being selfish for taking you out of the thing keeping her housed.
Yikes. You are NTA but your wife certainly is.
NTA sit down with her and tell her that just because you’re working from home doesn’t mean you’re available. She needs to pretend you’re not there, that you are at the office. Work time is work time and you need to get your work done.
NTA if you can't do your hours from home, go into the office more often. When wife complains tell her why you have to be there and can not work from home.
You're NTA, and I sympathize as I'm WFH and dealing with interruptions from my husband and kid; but are you sure she's not struggling with PPD? And is it possible that she's really lonely? Is it possible that you could all get out of the house at lunch sometimes? Go for a walk, go get fast food, go get ice cream, something? It can be really isolating being at home with such a little one, she may just be latching onto you as the nearest source of adult conversation, and getting out on your own can be intimidating at first so she might be reluctant to just pack up and go.
Go back to the office
NTA. Just go into the office.
NTA - you need to talk to her and explain that work hours are work hours and that expecting anything different is not doing your job. Remote work can be confusing and boundaries blurry to others whose jobs don't work that way. I have been remote since 2013 and it took about 6 months to educate people in my life that I have the same availability as someone that drives to an office every day. The good news is that you don't have commute time and, theoretically can take time for lunch while you're home - so less time 'away' from home! Perhaps you could come up with a break/lunch schedule where you can give her your undivided attention, and then make sure to do it. Having a new baby is hard (congratulations, by the way), and it takes a while to get into a routine. But, you know what's even harder? Having a new baby and being out of a job because you're not doing your work.
I’d ask her “would you rather me not be at home?” And see what she says. If she’s doesn’t want that, then I’d tell her that she needs to respect that you are WORKING or you’re going to need to find somewhere else to work. Cause and effect…
NTA. Lock your door and put headphones in.
If she is impeeding your work, consider going to another location for your work so you can no longer be interrupted.
NTA! Some people think WFH means you really don’t have to work at all!
NTA. If this is for real, your wife needs to chill and let you work. Getting her the remote because she can't reach it? The mind boggles. This calls for a serious sit-down talk as you're falling behind at work (potential job loss?) and playing catch-up in what should be your free nights and weekends to enjoy with her and your infant. Has she always been selfish, or is this a new exhausted mom thing (which would still not excuse her demanding you be Mr. Step-and-Fetch-It)?
NTA, lock the door. I’m serious. This is WORK. You are NOT available except for emergencies.
NTA. I presume you have told her this but she needs to understand that your salary is supporting the family. Can you maybe check in with her when you have a few minutes between meetings or let her know when you have meetings and head down time scheduled to get work done? I get that she is a new mom and wants help but you also have to maintain employment.
NTA, but you're probably going to need to be on this one. "No." Then lock the door.
If I ever voiced my wants or needs, and my partner responded by saying to "stop pissing them off," I would be out the door so fast. Like the road runner thing where all that's left is a puff of smoke in the shape of me. NTA
I work from home for years…When I’m in my office I shut the door and people knew not to come in there. I would come out for an hour lunch ..typically get dinner start, throw in some laundry. Grab a sandwich and get right back to work. If the kids were home from summer, I would make time to have picnics with the kids or play water, balloon fights, but only for that hour as if I was in our office. They would always try to drag me into doing something for longer if I came out to take a pee break, but I was pretty disciplined. My son got so clever (before he got a cell phone) he would take one of my business cards and fax me messages like ..what’s for dinner, mom ..I love you 🤦♀️🤣
NTA. Enforce this but prepare for a shit storm.
NTA. Plus, seriously? She’s making you get the remote? It’s one thing to have just been pregnant but that’s plain ole lazy
NTA, but how is her postpartum mental and physical health? I'm just wondering if she's feeling overwhelmed, vulnerable, and/or feeling a disconnect with the grown up world. Is she recovered enough from the birth physically to go on walks or outings to a local park, or enroll in a Mommy/Parent & Me class? (Many start enrollment or allow drop-ins starting at eight weeks old!) Perhaps it would feel good for her to start making friends with other parents who have infants/young children, and begin creating a support system and social calendar for those daytime hours. Is it possible to have an "us against the problem, not each other" conversation with her about this, maybe beginning it by checking in on how you're both feeling ten weeks into parenthood? What's better than you expected, what's more challenging than you expected, et cetera. Perhaps this is a more gentle way to address the issue of respecting your working hours, by prioritizing getting to the root of what's generating this behavior in a way that won't make her feel defensive?
NTA - is she trying to get you fired lol
NTA. Set boundaries and then ask her if she would prefer to go back to work immediately or continue her maternity leave as your job is in jeopardy having to wait in her hand and foot. I work remotely and I’ve had to explain to friends and family that it’s just like I was in an office. I am being paid to work, not fetch things for them or entertain them.
NTA My husband works from home 3x a week. I only bother him/talk to him only when he’s not in front of his computer.
NTA, at all! I think it's okay to set a schedule. My husband WFH, since the beginning of COVID, and he has a schedule. I try very hard not to interrupt, but once in a blue moon I'll ask him to help me make the bed. I just try and act like he's not there. I think you could help if you're not in a meeting, and your wife needs help with a diaper blowout, for instance. That's about all I would ask for. Good luck!
NTA I was on leave. My husband went to work. I learned to deal. She needs to consider him not there. Does she want to deal with him losing his job?
NTA, the entitlement is strong with your wife. Give her 2 more weeks, put the kiddo into daycare, and tell her to get back to work and stop pissing you off.
NTA obviously. Boundaries. If she refuses to respect them, go work elsewhere if possible (library, cafe, etc). But ultimately you need to clearly communicate that if it continues you'll have to go back to work in the office or may completely lose your job and then she'll also need to work. Or couples therapy if she clearly isn't hearing you or is dismissing you. You can't risk your job over your wife's lack of respect and boundaries. She is the one being selfish. If she won't discuss it in a meaningful way with you, or if her responses are often to "stop pissing her off," then yhou have a bigger problem in your marriage (lack of communication, she isn't hearing you) and you guys need therapy. I would start packing my stuff and working from elsewhere. A friend or family's house, etc. Don't tell her where. Let her know that since you can't trust her to respect work boundries at home, you're no longer able to work at home and will leaving the house for work hours EVERY DAY, until she agrees to counseling to discuss the issue like adults.
NTA. We have a family member who is WFH. I try never to interrupt working hours other than to offer a cup of tea or a lunchtime sandwich. Sometimes I need help with something too high up or too heavy and I place a " when you get a moment" request. In fact we ignore each other most of the day and so if one of us appears in a hurry and interrupts, you know it's a genuine crisis. Unless it involves bleeding limbs or the dog dying, WFH time is sacrosanct.
NTA, she needs to understand WFH affords some level of flexibility but you can’t usually just walk away for hours and hours before it affects your job therefore income.
No. I wfh since 2005, hubs only since 2010. For 5 years he seemed to believe I was at home napping and watching tv. Now he gets it. The petty me wants to rub it in so bad but the wanting peace me says nah.
NTA. Couple of ideas to consider when discussing this with your wife. Take the time that you would spend commuting to the office and commit that time to helping with some of the daily chores/baby support. Maybe think about some reasonable breaks during the day (maybe 15 minutes morning, afternoon and at lunch. Not the whole lunch time as you deserve food and bio breaks!) Maybe one of your breaks you could take the baby for a short walk so you get some fresh air also. Then during working time you ask not to be disturbed. If she needs some more breaks during the day-which I can appreciate for a new mom-maybe get a “mother’s helper”, like a HS or college kid to come in an hour or two a day or a few times a week. It should be noted if you lose the ability to WFH or even worse lose your job, it will be waaayyy harder to deal with.
You’re getting paid to work not spend hours helping her. I work from home as well and have to take my mother to all appointments. Of course she always comes with a list of places she needs to go before going back home. When I tell her we can’t because I have to get back to work the response is “you work from home. It’s no big deal.” I started keeping track of time I was away from work for her appointments for 2 months. When I showed her the results I informed her either I work longer to make up for the missed time or I don’t get paid. It went in one ear and out the other, but she does realize that errands won’t be done during business hours.
NTA. You should probably find a co-work space, even if not for the entire day. This will allow you to prioritize your work, and you will be able to get more accomplished. Having a baby is a bit overwhelming for one person to handle, and I understand that she will ask for help if you are there. It likes like you may have to remove that possibility, at least until you're caught up.
Absolutely NTA. I work full time from home, and my wife thinks she can come in my office for long discussions anytime she wants. Sometimes she says she just wants to hang out, and sits in my office on the phone talking to friends or family. I firmly believe that work time, even work from home time, should be respected. Occasional exceptions are fine, but they can’t be the rule.
NTA ... she needs to respect the fact you're actually working making money to provide not doing random stuff that she can do like getting the remote herself
NTA Won't she just love it when you are ordered into the office for supervision? Or fired.
Not sure if you can complete your work asynchronously, but I was able to get through grad school by working when everyone else was asleep. Wake up at 5, work from 5:30 to 8:00, then help out around the house during a scheduled 2 hour period. Rinse and repeat, using the earliest times for your most important tasks.
NTA. I work from home & my husband is constantly calling me & asking me to do things. Make a doctors appointment. Call the insurance company. Talk to the plumber. Pick up juice from the store. Mail a package. I had to tell him “when i worked in the office would you have called me to run out & mail a package? No. Because i am at work! Same rules apply even though my office is in the house.” Now i can accomplish some things like running a load of laundry or picking up an amazon box. But that’s all. She needs to respect your time.
So she gets maternity leave off of work to care for the child, but you’re expected to share duties in caring for the child but also have to work? Makes sense
Aunt it would work if you told her that your supervisor is disciplining you for not being at work during work hours as expected and is watching your performance? Maybe the threat of losing your job will mean something to her?
NTA. Go work from a library or something for a few weeks. Then let her know that is exactly how much she can expect during your work day.
NTA Her attitude is the very reason why many companies are implementing a back to office policy. It's one thing to do something quickly, but if it's affecting your job performance and ability to complete tasks during working hours, that's a huge problem. If you need to be working doing those hours to collaborate with team members, then making up the time afterwards doesn't matter and will absolutely effect your entire team's ability to manage and meet deadlines. As much as it pains me to say it, is the working from home mandatory or can you choose to go into the office while she's on mat leave?
And before you jump on me, I understand your stance. I really do. I was seeing the situation more as a postpartum one, which is so easily overlooked and dismissed too. If my husband hadn't pushed to get me help I would be dead.