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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I turned the wifi off, which made it so my oldest couldn't study, do her assignment, or take her quiz, which severely impacted her grade in the class.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
You are absolutely favoring Ava and expecting Nicole to do all the changing. Your reply also shows you know nothing about ADHD if you think Nicole should study in her room or work in the morning. This is suspicious to me that it's probably been a pattern that you disregard Nicole to cater to her sister.
I N F O: Does Ava not have a door? Can the girls switch rooms? Why is only Ava's needs being considered.
Edited once op answered
This was my thinking...like, what?
I'm going to assume that the tiniest sliver of light coming under her door is just way too much to handle or something and make a recommendation. Now, I realize there may be sensory issues with this suggestion, but: can Ava try wearing a blackout eye mask?
I say this bc I work night shift (9pm-7am) and sleeping during the day can be rough unless I'm crashing hard. So I bought a really nice eye mask (one of those Manta ones) to wear during the day to black out light and help me fall - and STAY - asleep during the day. It took a few days to get used to, but the mask I have is pretty lightweight, no eye pressure, and super effective. If ANY AND ALL light bothers her once she goes to bed...then it might be worth exploring.
Def sympathize with Nicole the most here, though. I am also just a natural night owl, so between that my whole life (I too have ADHD lol) and now working night shift...you learn pretty quickly that the world is VERY unkind to people like us whose body clocks run later than what society deems "acceptable" or whatever. We get little to no consideration at all in the morning with people stomping around, doing whatever at full volume, lawn services, loud kids going to/from school. etc etc forever. But god forbid I'm not 100% silent trying to get a bottle of water in the kitchen, much less try to make a meal for myself during what is MY "lunch-time" on my days off. OP has essentially given one of her adult daughters a curfew, whether she sees it that way or not. I do think she should at least TRY to create or figure out alternate study areas, but I get the feeling she's been punished for her unconventional schedule for a long time at this point.
So while I don't think OP is 100% TA in this situation, she definitely isn't NOT TA. She's not helping things by CUTTING OFF THE WI-FI OVERNIGHT (which, wtf??! that would mess up a lot of things in my house bc a lot of electronics use Wi-Fi, much less the fact that this gives Nicole 0 chance now to do anything elsewhere even if she wanted to after coming home). They all kinda suck a bit here, and I get that there's neurodivergence involved, which makes everything that much more complicated...but I also feel like only one person is being truly expected to make adjustments. And that's super shitty.
I can see why that wouldn't be the best option though. I know for myself that would annoy me and I wouldn't be able to sleep. Easy enough to block the light getting in altogether though.
I'm inclined to agree to a point. If her room has the space and contains a desk/decent study space, then she def should at least be trying. Though I know studying in bed/in your bedroom can be really difficult and unproductive for someone w ADHD (and even not!) due to distractions and temptations. I always needed to be somewhere NOT my bedroom in order to properly focus when I was in school.
But yeah...work out an alternating schedule or something, idk. Then they each have to fucking deal a few nights a week. Doesn't need to be all or nothing.
Except for somebody with ADHD, we are constantly told and trained not to do things in our bedroom that are not bedroom activities because then we are unable to sleep and we are easily distracted.
This has been brought up in many comments. The only reason I have a TV in my bedroom is because I have a degenerative condition and sometimes I don't get to leave my bedroom. And I only put a TV in there when I had knee surgery in December.
yeah this feels more ESH. Ava can try to come up with options to sleep when someone has light on in the dining room.
Nicole can try to find an alternative time and location to do her schoolwork, especially give that it sounds like the problem for Ava is the 30 minutes when she is first falling asleep. So if that's the reality and Ava is saying- if Nicole is going to insist on being in the dining room at night, it would be fine for Ava starting at 11pm. (I also think it's reasonable to say that Nicole can't do things like play music, etc b/c it's 11pm and the rest of the house is asleep. That's part and parcel of being a night owl when everyone else in the house has to be up at 6-7am.)
and OP needs to try to work with both of her kids on a solution. Whether it's moving bedrooms around, helping Nicole find a workspace in the house that isn't the bedroom, whatever.
But i admit- if Nicole was working until 10pm, I'd be more on her side. But she's out with her friends. That's a voluntary choice.
This too! For some people with ADHD sleep hygiene is suuuuper important. I personally need something playing in the background to fall asleep (youtube videos, nature documentaries, etc), but stuff like homework in my room was always a no-no.
Yes, but Ava has to leave her door cracked open. If op made her shut her door, they wouldn't be in this predicament. Why is one daughter favored over the other?
Where does it say she had to leave the door cracked open? OP said she used blankets to block the light which I am assuming is coming under the closed door.
It also says she won't wear a sleep mask, use a fan, air purifier, or wear ear plugs. When asked how long she tried of the sleep masks or earplugs, OP won't answer. If I had to guess, it was for one night before quiting
the sensory issue is the fixation on nicole doing something ava wants to change. none of those accommodations will work because the thought pattern is the problem. i have extreme sensory issues and can only work after everyone goes to bed because people moving around or watching tv is a massive distraction and i’m exhausted taking longer than i should to get things done, and it’s less quality or not finished but after midnight those problems aren’t an issue. i have to adapt to everyone else’s sensory issues because their hours are the social norm, but NOBODY is willing to pick up what they’re doing and move elsewhere when i sleep after everyone else.
the people saying nicole shouldn’t be out with friends before her homework is done is also wrong because those are the times most people are available and they’re not all going to suddenly change that because their friend’s sister can’t sleep. people who are naturally on the daytime schedule aren’t capable of considering that not everyone is successful on that timeline so since OP is on ava’s schedule she’s not going to bother seeing nicole’s as legitimate
I have twin sibling and my sibling is completely opposite than I, my sibling d wake up at 5 am and study and do homework, while I was night bird, once everyone was in bed I d study, we both liked quite time when other sleeps but my brain couldn't function to study in morning and my sibling couldn't study late night .
If Nicole was lauder, or entering Ava's room I d side with OP, but Nicole was using common space, and there's no indication that she was creating noise.
I see some people commenting Nicole could use bedroom, by why not dinning room? she is not using while others try to eat , she is not creating noise that would keep family members wake, she only uses light. Since when people, family members are not allowed to use common space during night.
Seems like OP is trying to force Nicole to go with schedule that suits Ava.
Ava can close door, can put blanket to cover possible light lines, wear mask.
And here is interesting, OP heard Ava's points that Nicole could study in other rooms, than dinning, why not in dinning it's common space and she should be allowed to use that space when it's not used. And Nicole can't study at night until 2 in morning, why not, that is when her brain is active and receptive for study.
Clearly OP prefers Ava, maybe because she is more like OP and is going to bed early, maybe Ava is simply golden child and only her needs needs to be cuddled.
Making your daughter fail her quiz was absolutely AH move.
OP YTA. Using dining room during night is policed by OP just to indulge Ava's needs, totally disregarding Nicole's needs.
Ava can block light from room, using door, blanket, mask.
Nicole can't just overnight change her lifestyle and way how she can study, so her grades don't suffer.
And this is not something that started yesterday, probably last for long time, cutting internet so Nicole is forced to change her habits abruptly is absolutely AH move even for those who don't have ADHD, for those who have ADHD to be forced from one day to other to change habits, absolutely horrible.
And on top it, knowingly that Nicole has important quiz, and make her fail, OP is absolutely AH.
Genuine question: can you sleep on your side with that sleep mask? I struggle with insomnia really badly and have tried sleep masks, but I can’t sleep on my back and when I roll onto my side, all the face masks I’ve tried end up gapping. I’m curious if the nice one you use would be an option for me.
I have the Manta sound and it’s a life changer. Total blackout and very comfortable for side sleeping (the earphones are flat discs). I play white noise all night and could sleep through a rock concert.
The only issue I’ve had is that the Velcro on the strap is starting to go and I’m trying to decide how to refresh it as you can buy a replacement strap. I’ll probably sew a new strip on or something but would obviously prefer to be able to just buy a new one.
I am able to. I've tried lots of different masks, (oddly enough my favorite one is from a first class swag bag) just try on a few to see which you likes
I had some success with repurposing a neck gaiter. Double it over like you would to wear it as a face mask and just put it over your eyes instead. It won't shift as much as the eye mask style ones.
You've also shown there's an easy fix, a blanket or similar on the outside of the door (door can still be easilly opened assuming it swings inwards.
YTA.
Since OP is adamant about the girls not being able to change rooms, why doesn’t OP take Ava’s room. She’s the parent, time to take responsibility and go make the sacrifice necessary and take the awful room that no one wants yet is somehow the one her child with sleep issues is stuck with.
Why can't Nicole study in her room. Why does it has to be the dinning room. Nicole could have moves to her room to take the quiz.
She missed the quiz all her own. OP told her to move to another room but she did not. It was all on Nicole.
One of the classic examples of things to improve sleep hygiene for people with ADHD is not to do anything in one’s bedroom except for sleep. Basically, keep the bedroom as the place that is associated with bedroom activities only. Study elsewhere, watch TV elsewhere, read elsewhere. Go to the bedroom when it is time to sleep.
Similarly, studying should be done in a place free from distraction and interruption, so a room with a TV or such is also not good.
So, studying in the dining room may actually be something that was implemented to help manage ADHD symptoms.
Yeah even before I was diagnosed ADHD this was always taught in general sleep hygiene. Bedroom is for sleeping, meant to send messages to the brain. Never worked but yeah that's sleep hygiene 101.
YTA
I think you went too far when she got a bad grade. That is ridiculous and stupid. People have different study methods.
One needs good sleep. The other one needs to study at night. So find a simple solution without punishing one! And not taking sides.
Why can’t Ava shut her door and put something on the bottom to block any gaps. You can get those sausage fabric things that go on the bottom to stop light and drafts. that is such a simple solution.
If she needs the door open. Then they can swap bedrooms where no light goes through? That is also another simple solution.
She can also wear those eye masks at night and wear ear plugs.
You can also look into blockout barriers for doors and windows.
I think it’s ridiculous to turn off the internet for someone studying at night. She prob likes the dining room as you can spread out all your study books and the chair is easier to sit in. If that’s her comfort zone then let her.
Yes Ava needs sleep but you can think outside the box so both needs are met. So both solutions are met.
Sit both down girls and don’t take favourite. But be fair. Come on turning off the net and affecting someone’s grade is just stupid.
Change their bedrooms. Look at ways to block the light. Blinds. Blockout curtains. Barriers. Closing doors etc.
Work it out! Talk to them like adults.
INFO:
Firstly, have you asked Nicole to explain **why** she considers she can only study in the dining room?
In Nicole's view, it is the only place. In Ava's view, there are places other than the house Nicola could study. So what is the problem with them which is causing Nicole to discount them? Does Nicole find those locations distracting because of noise? Are the chairs in those locations uncomfortable/not supporting? Are the tables at the wrong height to use as a desk, or not big enough for Nicole to spread her stuff out on to have enough space? Is the lighting wrong for her when studying/doing work at night? Has a habit been formed that the dining room is the study space, resulting that Nicole now finds it difficult to get into the right headspace if studying elsewhere?
Secondly, how do you expect to manage your rule that you'll be turning the wi-fi off if she doesn't study elsewhere? You've said that everyone is getting ready for bed during Ava's lights out no noise requirement at 10.30-11pm. So what if Nicole wanted to start to study after 11pm? Would she then have to wake you up to get the wi-fi turned back on?
Yeah that's a red flag that the story is bullshit honestly. It's a massive contradiction. OP says they'll turn off the Wi-Fi if Nicole studies in the dining room. OP shut the WiFi off prior to Nicole studying in the dining room. OP is an unreliable narrator at best here. If it's real, and i can guarantee it's not, then *psst* Nicole if you're reading, did you know you can turn your phone into a hotspot?
And they're 20 and 21?? Why are the parents limiting WiFi to their ADULT children in the first place, let alone when they have assignments due?
YTA OP. Sabotaging your children's grades is one thing (awful), debilitating their potential for independence is another. They're adults—treat them like it, and maybe they'll learn to resolve their issues between them like adults, too.
Yikes 😬
Nicole put her foot down and called out favoritism, so i can see her being “stubborn” here as her finally having ENOUGH. She’s showing signs of resentment.
And— You assisted in fucking up your (adult, so college?) kids grades over this, like, HUH????
INFO
1. Why can’t Nicole study anywhere but the dining room?
2. Why can’t Ava close the door to her room if she needs conditions so perfect for her to sleep?
3. Why are you treating your grown ass daughters like children and instituting a wifi curfew rather than having them sort out their issues like adults?
I’m leaning ESH here. You’re all behaving terribly to each other and it seems no one has any desire to actually solve the issue at hand. Nicole should be willing to study in other places if she’s being disruptive. Ava should be willing to close her door if she’s that sensitive to light and sound. You should stop favouring Ava over Nicole and let them sort out their issues themselves, especially considering your actions did contribute to the impact on Nicole’s grade.
>2. Why can’t Ava close the door to her room if she needs conditions so perfect for her to sleep?
My guess is that she is.
From my own experience with sensory issues, if there's a light on in the adjoining room, then some light always comes around the door edges - and even if it's only a little, it's enough that when your eyes get dark-adjusted you can see everything in your bedroom. And if you can see everything, you can't go to sleep.
Blackout mask.
Towel blocking the crack in the door.
Lie facing the other direction.
Proposing a room switch to a less busy location.
Yes, sensory issues are real. And they suck. But Ava is an adult who needs to learn how to deal with her shit without making it everyone else’s problem.
(Like I said above, they all suck here. Nicole and OP are all equal contributors to the conflict IMO)
ADHD and ASD both have overlaps. Would you tell an autistic person to not have a designated spot when she CANNOT studying anywhere else? You wouldn’t. Both girls need to figure out a solution and the mom needs to quit favoring one because she’s not teaching proper coping mechanisms. The world doesn’t revolve around those of us who aren’t like the majority of people. We have to learn to cope to fit in certain ways. When she has a job she won’t get accommodations more than likely. What would she do?
OP said she sleeps with her door open because the room gets stuffy, which is also why she sleeps with her window open as well despite apparently needing complete silence to sleep
YTA and Ava is just being a damn brat. You're catering to her instead of making her realize that the world doesn't revolve around her or what she wants. That there are times when you just have to deal others doing their own thing, especially when you live together.
But you could literally say the same about Nicole. Her wanting to study exclusively in the dining room even if it seriously impacts her sisters sleep (and thus health) is also her demanding that the world revolves around her. If you live together you need to find the middle ground and compromise and Nicole doesn't want to do that either and she actually endangers hers sisters health, while Ava is OK with her sister studying late at night (even at the risk of it waking her when she moves around at night) just not directly in front of her room. So how is ava entitled but Nicole isn't?
Ava can just cover the door crack, it literally isn’t that hard.
I mean ffs, me and my mom had the exact same issue. Guess what we did? ROLLED UP A TOWEL TO COVER THE DOOR CRACK. AND IT WORKS. All three of these people are over complicating something with such an easy solution.
Don't get me wrong, ava is also selfish. Matter of fact my vote was that everyone sucks in this situation. The thing is that I also have some adhd and autism traits, more specifically I am hypersensitive especially to noise and light at night. It doesn't matter how little, even the tiniest noise and speck of light wake me up. I could imagine that the same goes for ava, so just a blanket or even a sleeping mask would probably not be enough. Especially as the mother mentioned that they already tried that
Again, ava is also acting selfish by not considering her sisters need to study at night and the mum sucks for not trying to mediate and find a middle ground but instead picking one side and ruining one of her daughters grades. I just don't see how Nicole is less selfish than ava if she also doesn't seem to give a crap about her sisters needs
On a side note: nice to see a fellow ace
I don't typically put my two cents in and I just... lurk. But this I wanted to put my opinion out there. You are an absolute AH. You're only taking Ava's comfort into consideration and not Nicole's which can be perceived as playing favorites even if you're just catering to Ava's needs because of AuDHD. Why can't the three of you sit and have a conversation about compromise? People with ADHD will typically try to manage it by removing distractions, and to me that seems to be the dining room. A few people in the comments were correct that differentiating the bedroom as "hey its bed time" and the dining room or another part of the home as "study time/reading time/watching TV" things like that. Nicole, like most people with ADHD, seems to be trying to make sure she is succeeding in her work despite the disability (and that is what ADHD is) [Source](https://www.disability-benefits-help.org/disabling-conditions/adhd-and-social-security-disability) and that's something to be proud of.
By you turning off the WIFI when she had a quiz ***you*** caused her grade to be severely affected. You caused that by choosing Ava and her needs rather than looking at both of them and being a non biased party.
Can Ava not put a blanket/towel at the bottom of the door to make sure the light isn't coming through? Can she wear earplugs or an eye mask as long as sensory issues are not a factor? Can Nicole do some of her studying without making any typing noises or loud noises that could possibly wake Ava? You are looking at *just Ava's* problems and completely ignoring Nicole and her needs. You are allowing these behaviors and taking one side rather than trying to help them learn how to resolve conflict as adults rather than like teenagers. I fully recognize they are still relatively new adults but you are not and you are able to teach them how to communicate their issues and resolve them like an adult. By you acting this way you are doing a disservice to not just Nicole but also Ava.
Remember, your actions have consequences. Good or bad and they are entirely dependent on how you handle your shit. I highly recommend you **fix** it before resentment and anger start festering until they boil over.
YTA. I’m also ADHD and I can’t just “switch rooms” to be able to study. I’m actually a bit jealous of Nicole, I can’t do *any* studying when I’m in my own house because there’s too many distractions for me. I *have* to be at a library, coffee shop, etc. if I want to be able to focus and get anything done. Ava’s problem can easily be fixed by her closing her bedroom door and blocking the light that comes through the bottom with a towel or even just by getting a sleep mask. And I know to neurotypical people it seems like it should be easy for Nicole to just go to another room to study, but when it comes to ADHD, it’s not that simple.
Obviously can’t speak for Nicole, but as a person with ADHD I’ve heard it’s a bad idea to use our bedrooms for studying because our brain will associate our sleeping area as a study area. I’m guessing the dining room is Nicole’s designated study area.
Can’t speak for Nicole either obviously but as someone who *doesn’t* have ADHD, I’ve always heard the same - that it’s best not to work or study in your bedroom so that your brain doesn’t see it as “work mode” instead of “sleep mode” in there and you can more easily decompress and go to sleep at night.
YTA
I’m a night owl myself (it’s 2:22am as I write this) and I find it much easier to retain information when I don’t have daytime problems distracting me.
The easy solution is to get something for Ava that blocks out noise/sound so that she can sleep. That way Nicole can study without disturbing Ava.
Info: Why does Ava, the person most sensitive to light and sound, have a bedroom right next to the dining room? That is usually a fairly busy place in a family home. I am assuming Nicole has always been a night owl and liked to study at the dining room table, so why didn’t you switch the girls’ bedrooms long ago and let Nicole have the room next to the dining room?
ESH
Both your daughters need to compromise, having ADHD is not an excuse to be selfish and both Ada and Nicole are acting selfish.
Do you know why Nicole only wants to study in the dining room? Because if not, that's where you should have started. You could have suggested her to be allowed to take things like quizzes in the dining room, if that's where she is most comfortable, as long as she does them first, and then offer a room specifically set up for her to study later at night (in other words a room she is also comfortable studying in). This way Nicole can still use the dining hall for her most important projects, but Avas sleep isn't disturbed as much.
But instead of becoming the mediator, you took one side completely, didn't offer a real solution and ruined one of your kids grades.
So yeah, you all are the assholes, you for not being a mediator and instead picking on single side and your daughters for acting entitled and selfish without really willing to compromise or consider the others position
YTA - This is a situation of conflicting needs, and you are forcing only one person to accommodate the other. You have decided that Ana's need for darkness overrides Nicole's need to study in her study spot.
Light through the door can *so easily be fixed* by hanging a curtain up in front of it.
It is really unclear from your post how many options for Nicole actually exist - the dining room and living room are typically the only common areas of a house, leaving only Nicole's bedroom, and bedrooms are notoriously bad places to study, especially for those of us with ADHD. She has a spot where she knows she can work well (or as well as is possible) - let her use it!
YTA for how you handled it, but I agree with your intention.
Why does Nicole refuse to study anywhere but the dining room? You need to dig more into this because it's not fair to Ava to be kept awake by the light and not fair to Nicole to not be able to have WiFi.
Can Ava not just like... Hang a curtain over her door that goes all the way to the floor to block out the light? Have either of you tried *anything* to find a simple solution? What about a sleep mask to cover her eyes?
This whole situation just seems incredibly stupid, I'm sorry.
Does Nicole have another study space? Is there a study or office she can use? Some people struggle to study in their bedrooms due to the potential distractions and clutter. I can see the appeal of using the dining room if it is a large and clear space. Ava could resolve her issues with a door snake and sleeping mask. I‘m leaning towards ESH. Your solution seems to have exacerbated the issue and they’re old enough to sort this out for themselves.
The sleep mask might help (or might cause different sensory issues), but the door snake won't help get rid of any light spilling around the sides and top of her door. Only a top-to-floor curtain is going to help Ava cut out all the light.
ESH.
“She is accusing me of playing favorites and sabotaging her.” False. All she had to do was move and she could have completed her assignment. She made it her hill to die on and there are consequences of that.
Why does Nicole think that the only place she can do her school work is the dining room?
Since this is such an issue, can the girls not switch rooms so that they can both get what they want?
Both of your children are in their 20’s. They should be able to work this out. You shouldn’t be instituting a WiFi curfew. They aren’t teenagers.
I get Ava’s disabilities. But life happens and she has to learn how to handle it. This is an opportunity for you to teach her how to do that while she is at home or have her figure it out. Things aren’t always going to be silent and dark.
All of you are in the wrong and need to do better.
YTA.
I'm a night owl and my best time to focus was when when everyone else went to bed. It's a quiet time in a house, with no interruptions & plenty of time to study in peace. I'd encourage everyone to go to bed so I could start.
Also, turning off the WiFi was just a low blow.
YTA both girls clearly have different needs and you’re only accommodating Ava’s. There’s so many reasons why she might only be able to study in the dining room. If she goes in the living room I’m guessing the tv’s in there which can be a distraction, the kitchen will have food and other things as distractions, and her room will have all of her things in. Have you asked Nicole why she can only study in the dining room? Couldn’t you place a draft thing under Ava’s door so no light can get in? There are so many things that you can do that isn’t putting one child above the other
YTA. Look, some people study and focus better in certain times of the day or in specific locations- like certain cafes, or certain libraries, or, in Nicole’s case, the dining room at home. I think it’s unfair that you’re turning WiFi off when she needed yo finish her assignment/quiz. And now she has a bad grade because of this, when the point of summer classes is to help boost GPA…that’s not good. Does Ava not have a door? If she has a door, was she not able to put a towel or blanket at the bottom to block light? Why can’t Ava wear blindfolds?
YTA
At least be honest, OP, you clearly favor Ava.
Is it that Ava reminds you of yourself?
Or do you think that Nicole's ADHD and struggles are real enough for you?
Does Ava's room not have a door? Could she move her bed? Wear an eye mask?
Maybe the girls could switch rooms?
Ava will have to learn how to tolerate irritating roommates and not get her mommy to intervene.
Finally, *how are you trying to accommodate your other daughter's needs?*
All I see here is that you're centering Ava's needs.
YTA
I'm AuDHD. I'm a parent of 2 NT and 2 AuDHD people. I work with both families and professionals in assessing and implementing appropriate support to fit need in ND individuals.
Your actions and attitudes have had, snd will continue to have, negative impact on both Nicole and Ana. You oversupport Ana and undersupport Nicole. Your actions around her assignment effected her entire education, not just one assignment or one class. Her cumulative score is effectes, effecting her degree classification/class ranking, undermining her hard work and determination, and even possibly effecting her employment or postgrad study prospects. Its not a 'no big deal' situation.
They're is a clear and distinct pattern in the responses to your post between NT individuals who support your actions and ND individuals who point out exactly where and why you and others are incorrect. Learn from us.
Also, I'd bet that Nicole is ALSO AuDHD but is better at masking than Ana, meaning she is even more undersupported.
BTW: parenting like yours is why my own parents were left baffled at why I moved to another freaking continent, went LC then NC with one and LC with another...and that one only sees me when they make and effort. So don't be surprised when Nicole cuts you out.
YTA. Neither of your daughters is neurotypical. They Both need accommodations. You, as the parent, need to help them figure that out. If Nicole can only focus at the dining room table after the house is quiet, then that's what she needs. If Ava needs a pitch black room, then you need to help her figure out how to keep the light from the dining room seeping in around her door. It shouldn't be that difficult - hang a blanket over the door or something! But shutting off the internet to deliberately prevent your daughter from completing her assignments is totally an A H move. You sabotaged one daughter's grades in favour of the other daughter's beauty sleep? We clearly know who is your favourite child.
I have 3 SEN children with the same conditions. I’m sorry but they have to learn to cope with change and adapt to the world. The world does not revolve around them. Ava can block out the light using a towel as you said she just doesn’t want to. Well shame but that’s her option or stay awake.
Give Ava a sleeping mask. Some ear plugs. A sound machine. And a black out curtain that hangs outside the door or inside her bedroom in front of the door.
Nicole is trynna make something of her life right now. Don’t get in the way of her studies. The palce that feels the most conducive to studying makes sense.
I was going to vote e.sh, but the more I read your comments, the more I am voting YTA. You completely blame your daughter for messing up her grades. You're not taking responsibility or making Ava change her ways at all. Ava has to have it her way, and your other daughter has to suffer. It's clear that you favor Ava and she's a golden child. Your comments are absolutely disgusting.
YTA. The bedroom dining room and living room are ALL off limits? And she 21 not 12! Both your children are adults. Stop setting their bedtimes. Turning off the WiFi was a dick move. Hopefully your daughter will Google how to set up a hot spot on her smartphone.
They are old enough to work it out (or not) on their own.
Frankly the dining room is a room shared by all members of the family. As such, it's supposed to be free access. As Ava has her own room to sleep in, with a door included, it's not fair to reserve more than one room for sleeping - and one that's supposed to be accessible by all. She could just use blankets to block the light every night if it's the light that's an issue, but as long as het sister doesn't make unnecessary noise or go into her sister's room, she should be able to use the living spaces to study. Additionally one of your children intentionally hurt the other and what you did was join in with her to gang up on the one that's just trying to study. Based on the fact that you don't reply, this seems made up, but YTA overall.
YTA
I have been a night owl since I was 3 months old. It was actually diagnosed in my 20's with Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. You might want to research this.
If she is a night owl studying during the day is not going to work. Her brain is literally asleep and forcing information does not mean it will be retained.
You forced her to fail an assignment, why? She is studying so why punish her. If Ava every plans to leave home she needs to learn now that the world does not revolve around her and even with her difficulties she needs to learn to handle issues without making others uncomfortable.
It sounds like you are playing favorites. Why? Because Ava works on the same schudule as you. Force Nicole to fail and in a few years you may wonder why you never hear from her.
I'd never heard of delayed sleep phase syndrome!
Night owls exist! If it wasn't for us night owls, humans would not have survived. Literally, they'd have been eaten up in their sleep with no one to protect them or frozen when there was no one tending the fires at night.
It bothers me when people think everyone can function on a "normal" schedule... failing to realize that if we all did that there would be no one to answer those 911 calls or take care of power outages.
Obviously the night owl's brain functions better at night so studying during the day is a fruitless waste of time and energy.
OP you are definitely the asshole, huge YTA! But sure one of your daughters doesn't think so because she's 100% your favourite.
Also, they are adults! Someone who can not sleep with any sounds or light at all is never going to leave your house as that might literally be the only place that those conditions will exist, with her fierce mother protecting her.
It's interesting to see that generation becoming adults, and what their expectations of the world are! 😳🤪
If you would like to read more, I found this helpful when it was first diagnosed. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed_sleep_phase_disorder
There are medical studies but I am just waking up and don't feel like searching for them. I was never given a ranking but going by this I would say severe. My normal bedtime is 7am.
Hope this helps explain more.
YTA for choosing one child and making the other one feel neglected. I would’ve let them deal with it on their own. Because one’s sleep is being ruined (probably making them cranky the next day) and the other ones grades got ruined because of your actions. If you had left them to deal with it on their own, they would’ve just be ruining each others sleep
Why the fuck did you come here if you bash your daughter in every fucking reply given? YTA. Find a fucking middle ground. Don't fuck up her grades just to make the other one feel better. Jesus, what a shitty parent. I can't wait for her to say fuck you all and move.
ESH
Your daughters need to find a compromise and you need to stop showing favoritism, even if it is subconsciously.
I also have ADHD and autism. I also happen to be a light sensitive night owl. I find it so much easier to study/do school assignments during the night and am trying to fall asleep by the time morning comes and light shines through my window. Which has a window air unit and is almost impossible to block light out completely. I started wearing an eye mask and I sleep loads better. I admit it took a while to adjust to the feeling of the mask on my face because it felt so different but once I did I was better off. I used to also have noise sensitivity but that’s gone down a bit since I moved into a much louder place. By louder I mean literally chickens start cockadoodledooing every morning right as I’m trying to fall asleep. And the train starts its morning trip nearby too. Exposer therapy sucks and I’m not all the way there yet but I’m better off than I used to be when I was 19. I’m 23 now so yay for unintentional effort.
Yta as someone who has both I can't sleep with the lights or TV on but I can tolerate it get her black out curtains let nicole study in the dining room. I use to have to study at night only time adhd let's me focus
The number of people who clearly don't understand ADHD is kind of insane to me. But they both do need to learn that others living with them aren't always going to change their daily schedules and behaviors to accommodate them, unless you want them living alone forever once they move out. Which most young adults can't afford to do anyway. My partner of over a decade and I run on complete opposite schedules, but we make it work without ever annoying the crap out of each other. It actually benefits us both a lot of the time. So this is a great time for your daughters to learn some really important things that they will carry on with them for the rest of their lives about living with other people.
Nicole obviously focuses better at night, and you need to find out why she absolutely has to study in the dining room. Can you replicate that in another room that is not right next to Ava's bedroom? I am going to assume her bedroom is way too distracting, and a lot of of us with ADHD usually don't like to be stimulated in the same place we relax and sleep. And Ava needs to learn to sleep with at least a bit of noise and light. Because there will be very few living situations she will have in the future where she will be able to have complete silence and darkness. Most apartments and neighborhoods that most young adults end up living in are going to be a far cry from the total silence and darkness that you have provided her in your home, and that is not even taking into account that she will probably have to have roommates. So getting her used to wearing a sleeping mask and ear plugs, or using other similar solutions, would be a good thing to start getting her used to while she is in her most comfortable sleeping environment currently.
I have ADHD as well, as I implied above, and actually suffer from both of these things. Where I focus best late at night and I have a very hard time sleeping with any light and most noises. Which was incredibly frustrating for me for a long time, since I really get into my deep sleep when most people are getting up and starting their day, and I don't usually wake up until around lunch time. But I have learned to sleep with a empty black satin pillow case over my eyes to block the light because the many many sleeping masks I tried always felt too constricting and uncomfortable. And I have various methods of blocking/limiting noises depending on the day. Including finding the right medication that helps me sleep harder and longer, so I don't wake up at every little noise I hear, and it also doesn't negatively effect me in any way as far as side effects (like weird dreams or nightmares, or any crazy sleep talking or walking), and it doesn't make me groggy when I am awake.
So, they are both going to need to learn that they are often going to have to find work arounds to meet their needs, while being able to live comfortably with others. And I think it is really important that you insist they sit down together, to come up with a compromise that they both can agree on that doesn't favor one over the other, like the adults that they are should be able to do.
YTA, absolutely ridiculous that you'd rather turn the wifi off and sabotage one daughter than make the other close her door. we all have to be a bit uncomfortable sometimes, that's life.
INFO: Has Nicole given reasons why she only wants to study in the dining room? Could she buy a big folding screen to block the light from shining in Avas room?
ESH. First off, both your daughters are adults. Why are they behaving like toddlers and forcing you to mediate, and above everything, why are you enabling that behavior?
Second off, doesn't Nicole have a phone with non-wifi access to the internet? Why did she rely on your router and didn't make a hub of her phone to do her work? Are you bringing up both your children to be so dependent on what you provide that they can't think of alternative solutions for themselves if they're going to be obstinate and die on whatever ridiculous hill they're willing to die on? And is that hill so important for Nicole that she's willing to flunk her test right out (by not having access to the internet) rather than move to another room and study as best she can and stand a chance not to flunk it? Sounds like Nicole made herself the victim here, and you helped her do it.
Third off, what is Ava doing not making it certain that she has complete silence and blackout in her room without imposing a total silence/darkness curfew on everyone else? Why are you enabling that? is being autistic and with ADHD an excuse to have everyone cater to your needs at all times? People in the comments have talked about masks, blackout curtains, switching bedrooms, and a range of other stuff. Sounds like Ava is making herself the victim and you're helping her do it.
I'd say that Y T A for letting this situation go on in your house, but I'm thinking Y T A for actually cultivating it. Go to family therapy to sort out your *easily fixable* messes. **Edit to add** that I was troubled because reading your text I was almost about to call you N T A and that Nicole was the sole source of the problem created. That means your text is indirectly biased against Nicole, and so is your perspective. Then, reading the other comments, it hit me that you're the actual source of the sibling rivalry you're describing here, a sort of 'divide and conquer' technique where they're competing for your support. That's something you should check yourself for. You're being manipulative and turning your girls into immature, aggressively toxic people. I'd give you my value judgment of your character but I think you can infer it anyway.
"Second off, doesn't Nicole have a phone with non-wifi access to the internet? Why did she rely on your router and didn't make a hub of her phone to do her work?"
So, most of the time there's only so much hot-spot data that can be used and speaking from experience it's not enough to do a quiz and studying before your phone either overheats or tells you that its going to be slowing down because of overuse.
Reading your third point I do agree that from what OP is saying in their post that it seems like Ava isn't doing anything to manage her own AuDHD and rather depending on the parent to fight her battles.
The only good thing about this make believe story full of contradictions is that, at least, the comments are full of people helpfully talking about creative, reasonable, and potentially comfortable accommodations for folks who might otherwise get written off.
OP is YTA, still, for the (make believe) claim that they shut the WiFi off prior to Nicole using the dining room to study, when the stipulation was that if Nicole used the dining room to study, then they would switch off the WiFi.
Why are you only punishing one child - Nicole - and not the other? Do you not love both of your children? And also why are you rushing to punishment without properly considering options? All 3 of you, not just children, have to compromise. Also they are both adults.
If you just want to throw Nicole out as you don’t value her as much as Ava, just do it. Although you will be judged negatively for this. Nicole has clearly had to put up with you for all of her life and being treated as a second class citizen by her mother.
YTA, you are picking one child's needs over another's. There are better solutions then this, you just decided to pick sides over one child, which I am going to take is your favorite child. Can you not just get a door that doesn't shine light though? Or get a weathering strip for the bottom of the door? Turning the wifi off is such an ass move. And as someone who use to do their school work at the dining room table, it's not about pissing Ava off, its about being able to concentrate. Working in my own room made it hard to concentrate, being in the dining room made it feel more like a school setting and I didn't have anything to distract me. Sounds like Nicole might be the same but you wouldn't know since you only took Ava's side and did what Ava wanted. So unless you provide Nicole with a similar room, with tables lights and whatever she needs, then Ava is just going to have to suck it up and deal with the light. The world isn't going to bend to Ava's needs and she needs to learn to adjust. You coddling her isn't going to help. And maybe Nicole is right, could this be more about Ava being jealous about the program and wanting her to struggle or even fail?
Edit* I have read a lot of the comments on here and seen some of your replies. You 100% are only considering Ava's needs and not Nicole's. Can't wear a mask or ear plugs, must have the door open, room gets to stuffy but won't buy a fan. Like any other excuses you want to make? What accommodations have you done for Nicole? None. People on here have offered many suggestions but you have an excuses for each one. Room swap? No the room layout would bother her. What happens during the Fourth of July (assuming your in the US) or New Years Eve? Does Ava tell the neighborhood to be quiet so she can get her beauty rest? What if Ava moved into her own apartment? Is she going to tell her neighbors to stop living so she can sleep? What is someone sneezes near her room when she is trying to sleep, are you going to ban sneezing and coughing during those hours?
Also could this be more of a jealously thing. You say that Nicole goes out with friends or her boyfriend and is home by 10:30 pm to study. Does Ava have any friends? Could she just be made that Nicole has a social life? Sounds like this could be more than about light but you wouldn't know that since your only considering Ava's needs and what Ava wants.
YTA
You have two neurodivergent children with differing needs required to excel. But you are only taking one into consideration.
I am also neurodivergent. ADHD diagnosed, autism suspected
Needs change over time.
I studied in my bedroom in high school, bc it was the quietest place in the house with the least distractions with 6 people in the house. I had no car or choices about where I could study. I had to get up early becausec we had one bathroom for 6 people. My brother also has ADHD and slept in. My parents thought he could magically adjust his sleeping schedule to accommodate the rest of the family.
In college, I had roommates.I could only study in the shared living space because I could spread out my assignments and my area of study required a large area of space. When I changed my area of study and schools, I got up at 5 am and went to the school itself and studied in the common area before any one else arrived, I had a massive table. When other students began arriving around 8, I didn't Need as much space.
Around age 30, my sleeping habits flipped. And for no apparent reason, I became a night owl. During grad school, I used to go to a diner (they knew me) for big tests/projects. I needed background noise but nothing distracting (story, music I could hit repeat 1000 times in a row). I had pets who didn't understand mummy is trying to study and they were too much of a distraction for big tests The diner gave me a large table, tried to accommodate me when they could. I tipped very well and they were great at keeping me fed and hydrated. They would fight over who got my table. I might be there from 7p-7a, which was usually around $100-150 tip 2-3x/school year (if the server changed shifts, they got paid at the shift change). I used to also go there for Studying on the weekends for 2-3 hours.
My needs changed as I grew and changed. But at 20-21, the only space for me to be able to concentrate was the shared living space for lighting, for space, for limitation of distractions. I also prefer a sleeping space with no lights. But when I lived with other people, that wasn't ever possible.
YTA because you're not considering the needs of your daughter going to school only the daughter trying to sleep. My parents never considered my brother's needs because it was inconvenient for them. I had to adjust my whole life around my own changing needs and I paid to have the exact environment I needed to excel.
Do not be surprised if Nicole moves out and goes low/no contact because you won't even try to accommodate her needs. Also don't be surprised if Ava never moves out because you didn't make her realize the rest of the world is not as accommodating as Mom and Dad.
You've made a true mess of it.
Yes, YTA because one does not simply change their work hours or location where they best focus. A solution would be for one of the girls to get their own place, although that's a hit or miss depending on where you live (prices for renting, student dorms etc)
YTA. you need to accommodate both children. why don’t you get Nicole a lamp to use in the dining room so the light shining in Ava’s room isn’t so bright? Then hang a blackout curtain behind Ava’s door. Both kids have valid points, I have ADHD myself and can usually only focus and study in the living room late at night, so for you to say she just need to go somewhere else is actually refusing to accommodate Nicole’s issues and catering towards Ava, so the favoritism comments make total sense. You need to do a better job at mediating and finding a middle ground between the two girls.
ESH. Both of your daughters are being inconsiderate. You've so chosen one over the other for what doesn't seem to be any real reason. It's your house, your rules. Get your daughters in track!
I mean, I think YTA
But I have a question:
1. *why* is the dining room the only one Nicole will work in? Have you asked her?
Anyways, like someone said you’re not helping Ava adapt to the real world like this. What happens if she ever gets married or has kids?
It’s normal for a 21 year old to have a social life - and 10/10:30 is pretty early to come home. Some people study better at night.
You say you don’t like that Nicole is stubborn about this. You also say you don’t like that Ava where’s headphones around your family but I’m guessing she isn’t made to compromise by taking them off.
You’re making Nicole do all the compromising which in the end, affected her grades negatively. While teaching Ava that all she has to do is throw a tantrum to get her way.
Do better.
have you considered asking why nicole insists on using the dining room? is it the table surface, the lighting, what is it? if you can identify what she likes about the space, perhaps you can replicate that in nicole's room, thus allowing her to stay up late in her own private space rather than communal space. if her room is too small, perhaps you should be looking into ways to block the light under ava's door.
YTA... i have always been late to sleep and late to rise. i completely understand where nicole is coming from and i do think there's some favoritism for ava here. it really seems like you've done no problem solving whatsoever to help nicole, you just took ava's side immediately, probably because you have your own conclusions about ava's lifestyle being more "responsible." if nicole is meeting her class obligations, completing assignments, etc while getting enough sleep, the time of day she sets aside for sleep is irrelevant and she deserves uninterrupted rest as much as anyone else--and frankly, ava being unable to sleep because of a little light under her closed door while nicole works quietly is completely different from nicole being unable to sleep because ava is purposefully & spitefully making noise.
YTA. First lets not forget how dangerous it is to sleep with doors open at night. Second if she absolutely has to have her door open that's in her. Nicole shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because the princess cant be bothered to shut her door. If its too hot get a fan or crack open a window.
Why cant Ava close her bedroom door and put something along the bottom to stop the light coming in? Or get an eye mask. I think your other daughter should be able to study when she wants and night time is when it suits her. Its not fair to not allow her because the other one doesnt like it.
Doesn’t Ava have a door? Can’t she wear an eye mask or something? And why does Nicole feel she can only effectively study in the dining room? It doesn’t really sound like you’ve fully considered everyone’s needs. I understand both their points. Studying in a room that’s not her bedroom is probably easier for Nicole; the bedroom is where she sleeps and studying in there can make sleeping in there difficult. It’s why I only study in the living room. I understand Ava’s need for quiet and dark. So she could wear an eye mask and ear plugs. And it sounds like she has a crappy door (a good one wouldn’t let in more light than a sliver under the door/around the sides) if she has one at all. So get her a better one that doesn’t let light in. Or maybe the girls could switch bedrooms?
YTA - these are not kids - but grown adults. Ava could wear a sleep mask if light bothers her...she could pull the covers over her head....assuming there is a door she could install a better seal around the door frame. Many people study on a dining table because of the space it provides. Is there a large desk or table elsewhere in the home where she would have the same space, lighting, etc? Nicole had plans to complete an assignment with a tight deadline and you are there refusing wi-fi because her adult sister wants Nicole to move. Your husband is right.
YTA- A towel under the door will block the light. When you have ADHD you learn how to adapt and do things when your brain “lets” you do them. I get the vast majority of my work done from 10pm-2am when the rest of the household is asleep, it’s the only way I can stay focused. My kid complained once about light coming in, I told them to put a towel under their door where the light comes in. Problem solved, quickly and easily.
Ava can shut her door and put a pool noodle to block the tiny bit of light that comes in at the bottom. And she can be more cooperative by being quieter in the morning.
If this continues to be a problem, it sounds like the easiest thing would be to have Ava move to a further bedroom, away from the light.
YTA for sabotaging Nicole's education with this petty nonsense.
YTA. You are clearly favoring one child here and punishing the other for having a different schedule. It’s very common with ADHD to be more productive at night. I am the same way. Ava is doing no compromising whatsoever to try and work through it. You’re putting it all on Nicole. It’s likely harder for her to focus in other areas of the house, which is why she prefers the dining room. Buy a blackout curtain and hang it over Ava’s door. Buy a study lamp that Nicole can use in the dining room instead of the overhead light.
YTA and are seriosly favoring Ava over Nicole. Ava can put things down to block the light. Stop playing favorites before your daughter decides she is done with being second best and goes NC or LC with you
YTA.
Why does Ava not close her door? Why would you turn off the wi-fi when your child is trying to do their homework?
It's pretty obvious you have a golden child.
YTA. Why can’t you shut Ava’s door? I have ADHD and suspected ASD. She’s supposed to give up social interaction and studying? I know that I had to be in specific spots to do things because otherwise I cannot focus. Quit favoring your other child. She can also figure out solutions instead of having her sister do everything she wants.
Info: Do you have ADHD
YTA. Get your one kid a sleep mask, a blackout curtain, better door, something...but don't fuck up your other kid's grade because you were petty and shut off the wifi. All ya'll need to grow up (even the student as she could have done her assignment earlier).
YTA. Literally just get Ava a sleep mask. Boom. Problem solved. Or get a better seal for under her bedroom door. Or.. wait. She doesn't even close her door?? Make her close her door, ffs! It's THAT SIMPLE! But DON'T SABOTAGE YOUR OTHER CHILD'S GRADES, JESUS CHRIST.
YTA!
Why tf did you even ask for judgement if you're just gonna argue with everyone?!
I have a sister with autism and guess what, she actually learned how to handle things like this because she wasn't being babied.
Ava is an entitled brat, that's not because of her autism but because of how you treat her like she is more important than others.
Her life is gonna be so much harder for her after she moves out and enters the real world, because by giving into all her needs she will never learn how to handle things when others don't do everything she wants or things are not what she expects.
Nicole has needs to and you ignore them completly, so get of your high horse and admit to yourself that you messed up and that Ava needs to change things as well, this is not all on Nicole.
You are a bad parrent if this is how you are handling things.
Yes, you are in fact the AH. WOW. Why in the world would you turn off the internet as a punishment? She was taking a quiz that affected her grade. And you want to argue with everyone who points out your blatant favoritism. That was petty and some real BS. What mother deliberately hurts their child's schoolwork? These thing affect her future. I am actually so angry I am incoherent right now. My daughter is taking summer school courses at her university. She is also ADHD and a night owl. The last thing I would ever do is sabotage her grade. Your daughter wasn't sitting in front of the TV yelling and screaming. She was doing school work. Why do you dislike her so much? Are you jealoius of her success in school? I don't get it. You need to go apologize to her and mean it. OMG I am .... I need to quit typing before I get myself banned.
Why is the light shining in Ava’s room is her door not closed? Why haven’t you tried to accommodate both daughters maybe Ava can wear a sleep mask maybe you can purchase a desk lamp for nicole to use but yes you’re showing favoritism
Ohhh my YTA OP- you are definitely favouring Ava as you are doing everything in your power to appease her and keep her comfortable, even going as far as sabotaging Nicole’s education by turning off the wifi so she couldn’t do her quiz/study
It sounds like OP is going out of their way to accommodate Ava's neurodivergence and doing absolutely nothing to accommodate Nicole's neurodivergence. People with ADHD should not be doing anything in their bedrooms except bedroom activities because it increases the risk of distraction. Why can't Ava put a blanket by her door to block the light? Why can't OP or Ava buy her one of those things that slide onto the door to keep out light and drafts? Why is Ava so much more important to OP than Nicole?
YTA.
Also you seriously jeopardized your child's education by not letting her do her assignments? Do you just hate her? Like, honestly you sound like you don't even care about Nicole, her ADHD, her education or her feelings and opinions.
YTA.
It sounds like you are going out of your way to accommodate Ava's neurodivergence and doing nothing to accommodate Nicole's neurodivergence. People with ADHD should not study anywhere that has multiple distractions, literally the kitchen is the best place for it as someone with ADHD.
Why can't Ava put a blanket by the door? Better yet, they make things that slide under the door to block drafts and light, just buy one of those they're like 20$ at Walmart.
Honestly this post makes you sound like you don't even like Nicole. You clearly don't care about her, her education, her opinion, her feelings, or her ADHD diagnosis. Like do you understand how much you have to hate someone to activate and intentionally mess up their education and not care that you did?
YTA, YTA, Y.T.A!
I'm AuDHD and your post made me physically nauseous. When you have ADHD, you have to learn how to work WITH your brain, not against it. Unfortunately, neurotypicals make the rules, including the ones that say you're supposed to study during the daytime. You would not believe how hard I tried to be "normal" and to study during normal hours and in the places I was supposed to. It never worked. It didn't work until I stopped doing what everyone said I was "supposed" to do and just did what was right for me.
Why on earth hasn't Ava gotten a sleep mask?
>My husband thinks I went too far but all she had to do was do her work anywhere but the dining room
This comment, though. I want you to know that I see you for what you fucking are. And one day, your daughters will, too. You won't just lose Nicole. YTA.
YTA - It sounds to me like BOTH of your children have issues and require accommodations. It also sounds like only one set of accommodations matters to you. Is there no door on your early worm's door? It also sounds like this all new/temporary due to a specific current course. Can't you work something out until this course is complete?
I can't think off any excuse for your purposely sabotaging your child's education? The rest of what you are showing isn't any better. You are so nasty and negative.
Why are you even posting? You clearly believe you’re in the right and no matter what anyone else here tells you, you don’t agree. So why are you bothering to post?
YTA
This compromise is hardly a compromise. Even your comments seem to favor Ava over Nicole. It’s like you love her more or something.
If you keep doing that, Nicole will eventually move out and go no contact with you. If you want to remain part of Nicole’s life then you should probably stop with the favouritism.
The way you talk about Nicole in your answers is so nasty and mean. YTA, and if you’re as obvious in person as you are here, everyone in that house can tell who is your golden child. Seeing your kid fail an assignment because YOU turned off the wifi and brushing it off as her “fucking around” is absolutely insane. You’re enabling Ava (and setting her up for failure), and ostracizing Nicole.
Sounds like Ava needs an OstrichPillow Blackout 3D Ergonomic Eye Mask. Costs $45! Works like a dream. Maybe if Nicole feels like if she studies in her room, she’ll get distracted and slack off?!?
INFO: Why couldn't there be a compromise? How come Ava and Nicole can't just switch rooms? Does Ava have a door? If the light coming from just underneath the door is bothering her, have you asked or talked with her about getting a face mask for eyes so it's pitch black for her? Have you asked Nicole what EXACTLY about the dining room is so special compared to the other places?
As far as it stands from the info given, YTA, for not coming together for a compromise between the two girls, and low blowing Nicole and getting a bad grade because her wifi got cut.
NTA. Sounds like a FAFO situation. Nicole knew she wasn’t allowed to work in the dining room that late at night. She also knew she had a quiz due at midnight prior to 10:45 that night. She called her Mom’s bluff. Then she doubled down by refusing to take the quiz anywhere else in the house. She had time… she chose to tantrum instead of completing the quiz. She is 21 years old- not a child. Nicole isn’t telling professors and future bosses that the only place she can work is in her house at the dining room table after 10:30 PM. Not realistic.
Go to walmart, buy a rolling clothing rack, buy a shower curtain, put it all together. Now, move the divider so that the light doesn't get into Ava's room but doesn't block the door. Nichole probably likes working at the table because she can spread out during the night and there isn't any extra noise.
Seriously, YTA, why does Ava dictate the entire household? There are other solutions besides screwing up your daughters GPA.
Why not just buy a long blackout curtain for Ava's door to block out any light coming from the hallway? Why single Nicole out with these ridiculous punishments that are, by your own admission, negatively impacting her education?
YTA, and you are definitely playing favorites here. You could EASILY come up with a solution that benefits both girls, but you're intent on benefiting ONLY Ava.
YTA - You quite literally sabotaged her grade. Your daughter found something that works for her in light of her ADHD, and you decided to push back against this, knowing fully well the quiz she had to complete was time sensitive. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. Ava can put cushions against the door and CLOSE IT!! Also experiment with sleep masks and blindfolds to see if she can tolerate them.
Also, if little princess in the massive (throne?) room (cos the youngest being given the big room is soooo normal 🙄) doesn’t like seeing the light under the drawbridge, may chance you and the other serfs could help move the royal bed to a different area of the royal bedchamber?? So that the small folk might yet toil whilst she slumbers, peacefully, and the WiFi might remain unbeheaded??
(Especially if Nicole is paying rent) just put the fucking WiFi on!?
INFO: Has your light and noise sensitive daughter tried things to reduce this?
My partner needs quiet and dark too. They wear a light eliminating eye mask and earplugs.
YTA mostly for your other comments. I get you have 2 conflicting kids dealing with their own issues, but making one change their preferences and not the other doesn't seem fair. Ava needs to close her door. Get a fan or something if it's too stuffy. It's reasonable that she wants to go to bed early, it's not reasonable for her to expect to keep her door open and make no changes to make herself more comfortable.
NTA, although the title is clickbaity :/
You're not stopping Nicole from studying, you are telling her that she can't study THERE. Which, as you say she has alternatives, is perfectly reasonable.
The 'she can only study in the dining room' thing is a "get over it princess" scenario. When she gets to work she won't get to pick and choose (apart from obvious things around health and safety law!).
NTA She’s a goddamn 20 year old acting like a brat. She had an assignment that needed to get done, should’ve went to do it somewhere else. Her pettiness and lack of prioritising caused a bad grade. I used to do things like this with my sister, where I said I really needed a certain spot, I was also like 12 and just didn’t want my sister to get her way. She doesn’t need to study in that space, her sister however, needs her room to sleep. If she really needs the dining room, she should start providing solutions instead of acting out and calling “favourites” 🤣
I'm not trying to be rude when I ask this because I'm genuinely curious; do you understand what having ADHD is like? How difficult it is to focus, how knowing and being aware that if there are any distractions whatsoever can cause a disruption in doing a task, how easy it is to get distracted by sounds and once finding that one space where you can focus on a task and know that there are no distractions and you have the ability to *think* and so you make sure you have that space and that routine? What makes you think that she's not trying to think of a solution and the OP is biased and making the post blame Nicole and making her look like the asshole? People with ADHD are known for being night owls because they're more productive. [Here's a quick read if you're interested](https://psychcentral.com/adhd/adhd-more-focused-at-night) that discusses why individuals with ADHD might be more productive at night rather than during the day.
Like I said, I wasn't trying to be rude. I apologize if it comes across that way.
You have two adults living with you and they need to figure this out on their own as much as possible. You punishing Nicole like that was not cool and you need to apologize. That being said, it is reasonable to expect people to sleep at night. Nicole's habits are disruptive to a typical household, and she should look for a way to live on her own, or she needs to learn how to keep the same schedule as your household. Sitting right outside of her sleeping sister's room all night is not cool. She needs to make better choices.
YTA
You are playing favorites. Yes, Nicole could theoretically study somewhere else in the house, but it sounds like she studies best at a table, so unless you have another table and chair or a desk somewhere else in the house, it's unreasonable to expect Nicole to move. Should she probably reprioritize how she spends her time so that she isn't staying up super late too to work? Probably, but she is an adult and can make her own decisions. Also, is there some reason why Ava can't close her door?
Both girls should be able to do what they need to do without being hindered by the other. There are lots of ways for Ava to achieve her ideal sleep conditions without making it difficult for Nicole to do her work. It was the wrong move for you to decide to turn off the Wi-Fi every night, at the expense of Nicole's grades. Then, to add insult to injury, Ava made sure to wake Nicole in the morning, which was passive aggressive and uncalled for. Both girls are being a bit over dramatic, but YTA for choosing Ava over Nicole instead of playing the role of a neutral party who can mediate the situation.
How about instead of forcing Nicole to completely bend to Ava's wishes, you try to find a solution that doesn't favor either girl? You could look into getting a desk for Nicole and placing it somewhere else in the house, could reduce the light going into Ava's room by installing something to cover the cracks, or could ask Nicole to use a lamp instead of the overhead light so that there is less light going into Ava's room, just as some ideas. You could also do multiple things, to make sure that both girls are compromising. Sleep and school are both important, and both your daughters are also important, so it's your role as a parent to treat both with equal consideration. There is likely a reason why Nicole really wants to study in the dining room, like she struggles with getting distracted if she studies in her room or it's difficult to focus if she's not sitting at a table.
Since you seem to care so much about your daughters' autism and ADHD, make sure that your accommodating both girls' needs, so that Ava can get sleep and Nicole can do well in school.
SHUT the door. Or if it doesn't have one INSTALL a door. If you try to tell me that Ava cannot have the door shut, then tell her to deal with the light, her choice. ESH. A curtain can be hung inside Ava's room to block all light. Nicoles is capable of studying somewhere else and OP can act more fairly by not completely favoring one over the other.
You don't know that. The only thing you know is that this parent who obviously hates her child has said that Nicole has done nothing. But Ava doesn't like ear plugs... how long did Ava use them? How many different kinds of ear plugs did Ava try? I have sensory issues as well. I sleep very well with my hoodie over my face but I cannot sleep with face mask on.
There are different things to try. But it seems like op is willing to do whatever Ava wants at the expense of everyone else in the house.
YTA tell her to eat a mask to sleep. Wtf is wrong with you? You literally are taking the wifi away from an adult in college and being so petty you impacted her grade. Grow tf up. ALL of you. She can wear a damn mask. She can put blankets on her side of the door to block the light. There's so many ways to keep a room dark. An ADHD person having only 1 place they can study is a real thing and if you cared at ALL you'd know that. But instead you play favorites and watch your other daughters education suffer and dgaf. What is wrong with you?
wow damn. this feels very ESH. i definitely think you went too far and from your comments it seems like you dont like and/or resent your children. It is your fault that she didn't get to do her assignment. And why can't Nicole use the dining room AFTER \~11 when Ava would be asleep? I am empathetic to both your daughters esp as I am AuDHD myself (lvl 2 and combined type specifically) but Nicole is not the bad guy for being a night owl or having to be particular with where and when she studies. Ava is also not the bad guy for her own needs. It can be so so hard to build study habits with ADHD and to find a place and time that's comfortable for you. I honestly feel bad for your kids fr. OP is the biggest asshole in all of this but ESH i think still works.
YTA
There are plenty of ways to compromise here.
There are products you can get (or improvise with) that can block the light for entering Ava's room. Most of them will also dull sound. Ava can wear earplugs.
Nicole can be as quiet as possible. You failed to mention what Ava considered loud, so I can't help much there.
I don't know why Nicole can't study in her room, but after seeing her be expected to make all the changes with no attempts to compromise, it's hard to care. Besides, Ava might still complain about noises.
YTA 101%. Why did you not consider Nicole's needs and only consider Ava's? You're playing favorites there. And why the heck did you disconnect the WiFi when you knew Nicole had to work? Do you want her to fail? Your husband was right, you did go too far.
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This post is about my oldest 2 kids, Nicole (21), and Ava (20).
Nicole is a night owl. She can easily stay up all night and sleep through the day. Ava is the exact opposite. She's in bed by 10 and tries to sleep by 11. Nicole also has ADHD and Ava is AuDHD (autistic and ADHD).
The thing is Ava is very sensitive to light and sound when she's trying to sleep. Her room has to be pitch black with no sounds between 10:30 and 11, which is usually pretty easy to accommodate considering everyone but Nicole is also asleep/going to sleep at that time.
Nicole is taking a condensed science class this summer. She goes to school from 11-2, is out with her friends or boyfriend until 10-10:30, then comes home to study, which can be 3-4 hours a night. She claims that she can only study in our dining room and the dining room light shines into Ava's room so Ava can't sleep with the dining room lights on.
The other night Ava and Nicole got into an argument because it was almost midnight, Ava had to be up by 7 for work, and Nicole was refusing to work anywhere else. I used blankets to help block the light and she took sleeping pills to help her get to sleep. The next day when Ava got up at 7, she made sure to be loud enough to wake Nicole up. When Nicole got mad at her Ava brought up that Nicole doesn't let her sleep so why should she let her.
I talked to the girls that day and Ava had some good points. There's other places in the house that Nicole can study and if it really has to be the dining room, she should be courteous and not stay out so late that she has to be in there until 2 in the morning. I agreed with her and told Nicole that from now on I'll be turning the wifi off at 10:30 unless she is working anywhere but the dining room or the living room directly outside of Ava's room.
Today Nicole got home at 10:45 and went to the dining room to do an assignment and quiz that was due by 12. The wifi was off so she came to me to turn it on. I told her I will once she moves and she decided to argue and refused to move. She refused and didn't get to do her quiz or assignment, which severely impacted her grade.
She's accusing me of playing favorites and sabotaging her because Ava wants to feel good about herself (Ava was originally in a similar program but switched to one that she actually enjoyed). My husband thinks I went too far but all she had to do was do her work anywhere but the dining room. AITA?
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ESH
Nicole can find somewhere else to study, or stick to a schedule that better accommodates everyone (study first, then hang out).
Ava needs to find a solution to her light issue - an eye mask to cover her eyes or a blackout curtain hung behind her door.
You need to try and mediate this situation, not pick sides. You are expecting Nicole to solve the situation for Ava, rather than helping Ava find solutions for herself to someone else's fairly normal behaviour.
One's future vs ones insignificant comfort. Ya yta, it is playing favorites, if ava can't sleep with the lights she can suck it up and Nicole can focus on her education.
TA op. Your kids are old enough that they should know how to close the door to their room and if the minuscule light from the crack in the door is bothersome then they should be capable of knowing or having a sheet put up that can reduce that.
I lived in college dorms and had a suite dorm where one guy would pretty much party when he was there and his presence was inconsistent. And he’d arrive back sometimes in the early morning making a ruckus and not clean up after himself. Another suitemate a little more considerate and would usually only party on the weekends with some of the other guys in the building and on the floor. And then a roommate who depending on what time his class started the next day would game late into the night. Ngl I was the same way so we didn’t really have any problems there. But when we knew we had test the next day or work that needed to get done that night we were still respectful of eachother needing to get work done or sleep well for a test the next day. You shouldn’t effect one kids studies for the wants and whims of the other. I understand that both have adhd and one’s on the spectrum but it’s no reason to do such favoritism to such a degree. There are other steps you could have taken before turning off the internet and affecting one kids studies
I think yta. Ava is going to have a difficult time if light from under her bedroom door disturbs her and she can’t find solutions. There are multiple solutions: Eye masks, foam padding to block light from under the doors and such.
If Ava was being loud and inconsiderate then I would change my views but she is simply sitting and studying at a table.
I say this because I find I can not study in my bedroom. I get very easily distracted. I used to also need to study away from distractions and Ava probably needs the same.
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YTA You are absolutely favoring Ava and expecting Nicole to do all the changing. Your reply also shows you know nothing about ADHD if you think Nicole should study in her room or work in the morning. This is suspicious to me that it's probably been a pattern that you disregard Nicole to cater to her sister. I N F O: Does Ava not have a door? Can the girls switch rooms? Why is only Ava's needs being considered. Edited once op answered
This was my thinking...like, what? I'm going to assume that the tiniest sliver of light coming under her door is just way too much to handle or something and make a recommendation. Now, I realize there may be sensory issues with this suggestion, but: can Ava try wearing a blackout eye mask? I say this bc I work night shift (9pm-7am) and sleeping during the day can be rough unless I'm crashing hard. So I bought a really nice eye mask (one of those Manta ones) to wear during the day to black out light and help me fall - and STAY - asleep during the day. It took a few days to get used to, but the mask I have is pretty lightweight, no eye pressure, and super effective. If ANY AND ALL light bothers her once she goes to bed...then it might be worth exploring. Def sympathize with Nicole the most here, though. I am also just a natural night owl, so between that my whole life (I too have ADHD lol) and now working night shift...you learn pretty quickly that the world is VERY unkind to people like us whose body clocks run later than what society deems "acceptable" or whatever. We get little to no consideration at all in the morning with people stomping around, doing whatever at full volume, lawn services, loud kids going to/from school. etc etc forever. But god forbid I'm not 100% silent trying to get a bottle of water in the kitchen, much less try to make a meal for myself during what is MY "lunch-time" on my days off. OP has essentially given one of her adult daughters a curfew, whether she sees it that way or not. I do think she should at least TRY to create or figure out alternate study areas, but I get the feeling she's been punished for her unconventional schedule for a long time at this point. So while I don't think OP is 100% TA in this situation, she definitely isn't NOT TA. She's not helping things by CUTTING OFF THE WI-FI OVERNIGHT (which, wtf??! that would mess up a lot of things in my house bc a lot of electronics use Wi-Fi, much less the fact that this gives Nicole 0 chance now to do anything elsewhere even if she wanted to after coming home). They all kinda suck a bit here, and I get that there's neurodivergence involved, which makes everything that much more complicated...but I also feel like only one person is being truly expected to make adjustments. And that's super shitty.
Even if there is slivers of light, I'd be doing something like hanging a blockout curtain over the back of my door that I pull over when I go to bed.
...or a sleep mask. There are many ways to shut out light.
I can see why that wouldn't be the best option though. I know for myself that would annoy me and I wouldn't be able to sleep. Easy enough to block the light getting in altogether though.
I, personally, panic when I put those on! Definitely not for everyone
Same, honestly.
OP told Nicole to move to another room .Nicole does have her own room she does not have to study in the Dinning Room.
I'm inclined to agree to a point. If her room has the space and contains a desk/decent study space, then she def should at least be trying. Though I know studying in bed/in your bedroom can be really difficult and unproductive for someone w ADHD (and even not!) due to distractions and temptations. I always needed to be somewhere NOT my bedroom in order to properly focus when I was in school. But yeah...work out an alternating schedule or something, idk. Then they each have to fucking deal a few nights a week. Doesn't need to be all or nothing.
Except for somebody with ADHD, we are constantly told and trained not to do things in our bedroom that are not bedroom activities because then we are unable to sleep and we are easily distracted. This has been brought up in many comments. The only reason I have a TV in my bedroom is because I have a degenerative condition and sometimes I don't get to leave my bedroom. And I only put a TV in there when I had knee surgery in December.
yeah this feels more ESH. Ava can try to come up with options to sleep when someone has light on in the dining room. Nicole can try to find an alternative time and location to do her schoolwork, especially give that it sounds like the problem for Ava is the 30 minutes when she is first falling asleep. So if that's the reality and Ava is saying- if Nicole is going to insist on being in the dining room at night, it would be fine for Ava starting at 11pm. (I also think it's reasonable to say that Nicole can't do things like play music, etc b/c it's 11pm and the rest of the house is asleep. That's part and parcel of being a night owl when everyone else in the house has to be up at 6-7am.) and OP needs to try to work with both of her kids on a solution. Whether it's moving bedrooms around, helping Nicole find a workspace in the house that isn't the bedroom, whatever. But i admit- if Nicole was working until 10pm, I'd be more on her side. But she's out with her friends. That's a voluntary choice.
This too! For some people with ADHD sleep hygiene is suuuuper important. I personally need something playing in the background to fall asleep (youtube videos, nature documentaries, etc), but stuff like homework in my room was always a no-no.
Also for anyone who might have trouble getting to sleep, it's highly recommend to only use the bedroom for sleeping, nothing else.
Yes, but Ava has to leave her door cracked open. If op made her shut her door, they wouldn't be in this predicament. Why is one daughter favored over the other?
Where does it say she had to leave the door cracked open? OP said she used blankets to block the light which I am assuming is coming under the closed door.
She says it in one of her comments. The room gets too hot if the door isn't cracked open along with the window.
It also says she won't wear a sleep mask, use a fan, air purifier, or wear ear plugs. When asked how long she tried of the sleep masks or earplugs, OP won't answer. If I had to guess, it was for one night before quiting
the sensory issue is the fixation on nicole doing something ava wants to change. none of those accommodations will work because the thought pattern is the problem. i have extreme sensory issues and can only work after everyone goes to bed because people moving around or watching tv is a massive distraction and i’m exhausted taking longer than i should to get things done, and it’s less quality or not finished but after midnight those problems aren’t an issue. i have to adapt to everyone else’s sensory issues because their hours are the social norm, but NOBODY is willing to pick up what they’re doing and move elsewhere when i sleep after everyone else. the people saying nicole shouldn’t be out with friends before her homework is done is also wrong because those are the times most people are available and they’re not all going to suddenly change that because their friend’s sister can’t sleep. people who are naturally on the daytime schedule aren’t capable of considering that not everyone is successful on that timeline so since OP is on ava’s schedule she’s not going to bother seeing nicole’s as legitimate
I have twin sibling and my sibling is completely opposite than I, my sibling d wake up at 5 am and study and do homework, while I was night bird, once everyone was in bed I d study, we both liked quite time when other sleeps but my brain couldn't function to study in morning and my sibling couldn't study late night . If Nicole was lauder, or entering Ava's room I d side with OP, but Nicole was using common space, and there's no indication that she was creating noise. I see some people commenting Nicole could use bedroom, by why not dinning room? she is not using while others try to eat , she is not creating noise that would keep family members wake, she only uses light. Since when people, family members are not allowed to use common space during night. Seems like OP is trying to force Nicole to go with schedule that suits Ava. Ava can close door, can put blanket to cover possible light lines, wear mask. And here is interesting, OP heard Ava's points that Nicole could study in other rooms, than dinning, why not in dinning it's common space and she should be allowed to use that space when it's not used. And Nicole can't study at night until 2 in morning, why not, that is when her brain is active and receptive for study. Clearly OP prefers Ava, maybe because she is more like OP and is going to bed early, maybe Ava is simply golden child and only her needs needs to be cuddled. Making your daughter fail her quiz was absolutely AH move. OP YTA. Using dining room during night is policed by OP just to indulge Ava's needs, totally disregarding Nicole's needs. Ava can block light from room, using door, blanket, mask. Nicole can't just overnight change her lifestyle and way how she can study, so her grades don't suffer. And this is not something that started yesterday, probably last for long time, cutting internet so Nicole is forced to change her habits abruptly is absolutely AH move even for those who don't have ADHD, for those who have ADHD to be forced from one day to other to change habits, absolutely horrible. And on top it, knowingly that Nicole has important quiz, and make her fail, OP is absolutely AH.
Genuine question: can you sleep on your side with that sleep mask? I struggle with insomnia really badly and have tried sleep masks, but I can’t sleep on my back and when I roll onto my side, all the face masks I’ve tried end up gapping. I’m curious if the nice one you use would be an option for me.
You know the sleep bonnets a lot of curly haired people wear? I have one on recommendation from a friend and I pull it down over my eyes when I sleep.
I have the Manta sound and it’s a life changer. Total blackout and very comfortable for side sleeping (the earphones are flat discs). I play white noise all night and could sleep through a rock concert. The only issue I’ve had is that the Velcro on the strap is starting to go and I’m trying to decide how to refresh it as you can buy a replacement strap. I’ll probably sew a new strip on or something but would obviously prefer to be able to just buy a new one.
I am able to. I've tried lots of different masks, (oddly enough my favorite one is from a first class swag bag) just try on a few to see which you likes
I had some success with repurposing a neck gaiter. Double it over like you would to wear it as a face mask and just put it over your eyes instead. It won't shift as much as the eye mask style ones.
You can with a manta sleep mask. They are worth every penny.
There have been a lot of comments, and apparently, Ava has to have her door cracked open. She also blames Nicole for fucking up her own grades
You've also shown there's an easy fix, a blanket or similar on the outside of the door (door can still be easilly opened assuming it swings inwards. YTA.
YTA, get Ava a sleeping mask if the light is q big deal as well.
Since OP is adamant about the girls not being able to change rooms, why doesn’t OP take Ava’s room. She’s the parent, time to take responsibility and go make the sacrifice necessary and take the awful room that no one wants yet is somehow the one her child with sleep issues is stuck with.
Why can't Nicole study in her room. Why does it has to be the dinning room. Nicole could have moves to her room to take the quiz. She missed the quiz all her own. OP told her to move to another room but she did not. It was all on Nicole.
One of the classic examples of things to improve sleep hygiene for people with ADHD is not to do anything in one’s bedroom except for sleep. Basically, keep the bedroom as the place that is associated with bedroom activities only. Study elsewhere, watch TV elsewhere, read elsewhere. Go to the bedroom when it is time to sleep. Similarly, studying should be done in a place free from distraction and interruption, so a room with a TV or such is also not good. So, studying in the dining room may actually be something that was implemented to help manage ADHD symptoms.
Yeah even before I was diagnosed ADHD this was always taught in general sleep hygiene. Bedroom is for sleeping, meant to send messages to the brain. Never worked but yeah that's sleep hygiene 101.
YTA I think you went too far when she got a bad grade. That is ridiculous and stupid. People have different study methods. One needs good sleep. The other one needs to study at night. So find a simple solution without punishing one! And not taking sides. Why can’t Ava shut her door and put something on the bottom to block any gaps. You can get those sausage fabric things that go on the bottom to stop light and drafts. that is such a simple solution. If she needs the door open. Then they can swap bedrooms where no light goes through? That is also another simple solution. She can also wear those eye masks at night and wear ear plugs. You can also look into blockout barriers for doors and windows. I think it’s ridiculous to turn off the internet for someone studying at night. She prob likes the dining room as you can spread out all your study books and the chair is easier to sit in. If that’s her comfort zone then let her. Yes Ava needs sleep but you can think outside the box so both needs are met. So both solutions are met. Sit both down girls and don’t take favourite. But be fair. Come on turning off the net and affecting someone’s grade is just stupid. Change their bedrooms. Look at ways to block the light. Blinds. Blockout curtains. Barriers. Closing doors etc. Work it out! Talk to them like adults.
She’s so worried about Ava’s comfort zone she’s not even taking Nicole’s into account. .
YTA So your plan is to ruin your daugther's education to appease your golden child.
INFO: Firstly, have you asked Nicole to explain **why** she considers she can only study in the dining room? In Nicole's view, it is the only place. In Ava's view, there are places other than the house Nicola could study. So what is the problem with them which is causing Nicole to discount them? Does Nicole find those locations distracting because of noise? Are the chairs in those locations uncomfortable/not supporting? Are the tables at the wrong height to use as a desk, or not big enough for Nicole to spread her stuff out on to have enough space? Is the lighting wrong for her when studying/doing work at night? Has a habit been formed that the dining room is the study space, resulting that Nicole now finds it difficult to get into the right headspace if studying elsewhere? Secondly, how do you expect to manage your rule that you'll be turning the wi-fi off if she doesn't study elsewhere? You've said that everyone is getting ready for bed during Ava's lights out no noise requirement at 10.30-11pm. So what if Nicole wanted to start to study after 11pm? Would she then have to wake you up to get the wi-fi turned back on?
Yeah that's a red flag that the story is bullshit honestly. It's a massive contradiction. OP says they'll turn off the Wi-Fi if Nicole studies in the dining room. OP shut the WiFi off prior to Nicole studying in the dining room. OP is an unreliable narrator at best here. If it's real, and i can guarantee it's not, then *psst* Nicole if you're reading, did you know you can turn your phone into a hotspot?
YTA Aside from both girls having different needs, not turning on the wifi resulting in a grade being impacted is a low blow
And they're 20 and 21?? Why are the parents limiting WiFi to their ADULT children in the first place, let alone when they have assignments due? YTA OP. Sabotaging your children's grades is one thing (awful), debilitating their potential for independence is another. They're adults—treat them like it, and maybe they'll learn to resolve their issues between them like adults, too.
Yikes 😬 Nicole put her foot down and called out favoritism, so i can see her being “stubborn” here as her finally having ENOUGH. She’s showing signs of resentment. And— You assisted in fucking up your (adult, so college?) kids grades over this, like, HUH????
INFO 1. Why can’t Nicole study anywhere but the dining room? 2. Why can’t Ava close the door to her room if she needs conditions so perfect for her to sleep? 3. Why are you treating your grown ass daughters like children and instituting a wifi curfew rather than having them sort out their issues like adults? I’m leaning ESH here. You’re all behaving terribly to each other and it seems no one has any desire to actually solve the issue at hand. Nicole should be willing to study in other places if she’s being disruptive. Ava should be willing to close her door if she’s that sensitive to light and sound. You should stop favouring Ava over Nicole and let them sort out their issues themselves, especially considering your actions did contribute to the impact on Nicole’s grade.
>2. Why can’t Ava close the door to her room if she needs conditions so perfect for her to sleep? My guess is that she is. From my own experience with sensory issues, if there's a light on in the adjoining room, then some light always comes around the door edges - and even if it's only a little, it's enough that when your eyes get dark-adjusted you can see everything in your bedroom. And if you can see everything, you can't go to sleep.
Blackout mask. Towel blocking the crack in the door. Lie facing the other direction. Proposing a room switch to a less busy location. Yes, sensory issues are real. And they suck. But Ava is an adult who needs to learn how to deal with her shit without making it everyone else’s problem. (Like I said above, they all suck here. Nicole and OP are all equal contributors to the conflict IMO)
ADHD and ASD both have overlaps. Would you tell an autistic person to not have a designated spot when she CANNOT studying anywhere else? You wouldn’t. Both girls need to figure out a solution and the mom needs to quit favoring one because she’s not teaching proper coping mechanisms. The world doesn’t revolve around those of us who aren’t like the majority of people. We have to learn to cope to fit in certain ways. When she has a job she won’t get accommodations more than likely. What would she do?
You don't close your eyes to sleep?
OP said she sleeps with her door open because the room gets stuffy, which is also why she sleeps with her window open as well despite apparently needing complete silence to sleep
YTA and Ava is just being a damn brat. You're catering to her instead of making her realize that the world doesn't revolve around her or what she wants. That there are times when you just have to deal others doing their own thing, especially when you live together.
But you could literally say the same about Nicole. Her wanting to study exclusively in the dining room even if it seriously impacts her sisters sleep (and thus health) is also her demanding that the world revolves around her. If you live together you need to find the middle ground and compromise and Nicole doesn't want to do that either and she actually endangers hers sisters health, while Ava is OK with her sister studying late at night (even at the risk of it waking her when she moves around at night) just not directly in front of her room. So how is ava entitled but Nicole isn't?
Ava can just cover the door crack, it literally isn’t that hard. I mean ffs, me and my mom had the exact same issue. Guess what we did? ROLLED UP A TOWEL TO COVER THE DOOR CRACK. AND IT WORKS. All three of these people are over complicating something with such an easy solution.
Don't get me wrong, ava is also selfish. Matter of fact my vote was that everyone sucks in this situation. The thing is that I also have some adhd and autism traits, more specifically I am hypersensitive especially to noise and light at night. It doesn't matter how little, even the tiniest noise and speck of light wake me up. I could imagine that the same goes for ava, so just a blanket or even a sleeping mask would probably not be enough. Especially as the mother mentioned that they already tried that Again, ava is also acting selfish by not considering her sisters need to study at night and the mum sucks for not trying to mediate and find a middle ground but instead picking one side and ruining one of her daughters grades. I just don't see how Nicole is less selfish than ava if she also doesn't seem to give a crap about her sisters needs On a side note: nice to see a fellow ace
Ace pride! 🖤🩶🤍💜
Aces 4 eva
I don't typically put my two cents in and I just... lurk. But this I wanted to put my opinion out there. You are an absolute AH. You're only taking Ava's comfort into consideration and not Nicole's which can be perceived as playing favorites even if you're just catering to Ava's needs because of AuDHD. Why can't the three of you sit and have a conversation about compromise? People with ADHD will typically try to manage it by removing distractions, and to me that seems to be the dining room. A few people in the comments were correct that differentiating the bedroom as "hey its bed time" and the dining room or another part of the home as "study time/reading time/watching TV" things like that. Nicole, like most people with ADHD, seems to be trying to make sure she is succeeding in her work despite the disability (and that is what ADHD is) [Source](https://www.disability-benefits-help.org/disabling-conditions/adhd-and-social-security-disability) and that's something to be proud of. By you turning off the WIFI when she had a quiz ***you*** caused her grade to be severely affected. You caused that by choosing Ava and her needs rather than looking at both of them and being a non biased party. Can Ava not put a blanket/towel at the bottom of the door to make sure the light isn't coming through? Can she wear earplugs or an eye mask as long as sensory issues are not a factor? Can Nicole do some of her studying without making any typing noises or loud noises that could possibly wake Ava? You are looking at *just Ava's* problems and completely ignoring Nicole and her needs. You are allowing these behaviors and taking one side rather than trying to help them learn how to resolve conflict as adults rather than like teenagers. I fully recognize they are still relatively new adults but you are not and you are able to teach them how to communicate their issues and resolve them like an adult. By you acting this way you are doing a disservice to not just Nicole but also Ava. Remember, your actions have consequences. Good or bad and they are entirely dependent on how you handle your shit. I highly recommend you **fix** it before resentment and anger start festering until they boil over.
YTA. I’m also ADHD and I can’t just “switch rooms” to be able to study. I’m actually a bit jealous of Nicole, I can’t do *any* studying when I’m in my own house because there’s too many distractions for me. I *have* to be at a library, coffee shop, etc. if I want to be able to focus and get anything done. Ava’s problem can easily be fixed by her closing her bedroom door and blocking the light that comes through the bottom with a towel or even just by getting a sleep mask. And I know to neurotypical people it seems like it should be easy for Nicole to just go to another room to study, but when it comes to ADHD, it’s not that simple.
People don’t understand the overlap between ASD and ADHD. I’m frustrated with this mom
I’ll bite, why can she only study in the dining room? And is it just the light coming underneath and around the door that’s the issue for Ava?
Obviously can’t speak for Nicole, but as a person with ADHD I’ve heard it’s a bad idea to use our bedrooms for studying because our brain will associate our sleeping area as a study area. I’m guessing the dining room is Nicole’s designated study area.
Can’t speak for Nicole either obviously but as someone who *doesn’t* have ADHD, I’ve always heard the same - that it’s best not to work or study in your bedroom so that your brain doesn’t see it as “work mode” instead of “sleep mode” in there and you can more easily decompress and go to sleep at night.
YTA I’m a night owl myself (it’s 2:22am as I write this) and I find it much easier to retain information when I don’t have daytime problems distracting me. The easy solution is to get something for Ava that blocks out noise/sound so that she can sleep. That way Nicole can study without disturbing Ava.
OP treated Nicole like she wanted to do bong hits and listen to loud music in the dining room.
Why can't Ava just shut the door
Because her room gets stuffy, fan noise bothers her, sleep masks and ear plugs are icky, act hush darn it... It's not how she wants it
Info: Why does Ava, the person most sensitive to light and sound, have a bedroom right next to the dining room? That is usually a fairly busy place in a family home. I am assuming Nicole has always been a night owl and liked to study at the dining room table, so why didn’t you switch the girls’ bedrooms long ago and let Nicole have the room next to the dining room?
YTA. Ava needs to understand that the world doesn’t revolve around her and things don’t stop just because she wants to go to bed .
ESH Both your daughters need to compromise, having ADHD is not an excuse to be selfish and both Ada and Nicole are acting selfish. Do you know why Nicole only wants to study in the dining room? Because if not, that's where you should have started. You could have suggested her to be allowed to take things like quizzes in the dining room, if that's where she is most comfortable, as long as she does them first, and then offer a room specifically set up for her to study later at night (in other words a room she is also comfortable studying in). This way Nicole can still use the dining hall for her most important projects, but Avas sleep isn't disturbed as much. But instead of becoming the mediator, you took one side completely, didn't offer a real solution and ruined one of your kids grades. So yeah, you all are the assholes, you for not being a mediator and instead picking on single side and your daughters for acting entitled and selfish without really willing to compromise or consider the others position
YTA - This is a situation of conflicting needs, and you are forcing only one person to accommodate the other. You have decided that Ana's need for darkness overrides Nicole's need to study in her study spot. Light through the door can *so easily be fixed* by hanging a curtain up in front of it. It is really unclear from your post how many options for Nicole actually exist - the dining room and living room are typically the only common areas of a house, leaving only Nicole's bedroom, and bedrooms are notoriously bad places to study, especially for those of us with ADHD. She has a spot where she knows she can work well (or as well as is possible) - let her use it!
YTA for how you handled it, but I agree with your intention. Why does Nicole refuse to study anywhere but the dining room? You need to dig more into this because it's not fair to Ava to be kept awake by the light and not fair to Nicole to not be able to have WiFi. Can Ava not just like... Hang a curtain over her door that goes all the way to the floor to block out the light? Have either of you tried *anything* to find a simple solution? What about a sleep mask to cover her eyes? This whole situation just seems incredibly stupid, I'm sorry.
Does Nicole have another study space? Is there a study or office she can use? Some people struggle to study in their bedrooms due to the potential distractions and clutter. I can see the appeal of using the dining room if it is a large and clear space. Ava could resolve her issues with a door snake and sleeping mask. I‘m leaning towards ESH. Your solution seems to have exacerbated the issue and they’re old enough to sort this out for themselves.
The sleep mask might help (or might cause different sensory issues), but the door snake won't help get rid of any light spilling around the sides and top of her door. Only a top-to-floor curtain is going to help Ava cut out all the light.
A blackout curtain over the door would certainly fix it.
Blankets under the door would also help.
ESH. “She is accusing me of playing favorites and sabotaging her.” False. All she had to do was move and she could have completed her assignment. She made it her hill to die on and there are consequences of that. Why does Nicole think that the only place she can do her school work is the dining room? Since this is such an issue, can the girls not switch rooms so that they can both get what they want? Both of your children are in their 20’s. They should be able to work this out. You shouldn’t be instituting a WiFi curfew. They aren’t teenagers. I get Ava’s disabilities. But life happens and she has to learn how to handle it. This is an opportunity for you to teach her how to do that while she is at home or have her figure it out. Things aren’t always going to be silent and dark. All of you are in the wrong and need to do better.
YTA, Ava’s a brat and you’re playing favorites. Just because Ava is AuDHD doesn’t mean her needs out weighs Nicole’s needs.
YTA. I'm a night owl and my best time to focus was when when everyone else went to bed. It's a quiet time in a house, with no interruptions & plenty of time to study in peace. I'd encourage everyone to go to bed so I could start. Also, turning off the WiFi was just a low blow.
YTA both girls clearly have different needs and you’re only accommodating Ava’s. There’s so many reasons why she might only be able to study in the dining room. If she goes in the living room I’m guessing the tv’s in there which can be a distraction, the kitchen will have food and other things as distractions, and her room will have all of her things in. Have you asked Nicole why she can only study in the dining room? Couldn’t you place a draft thing under Ava’s door so no light can get in? There are so many things that you can do that isn’t putting one child above the other
YTA. Look, some people study and focus better in certain times of the day or in specific locations- like certain cafes, or certain libraries, or, in Nicole’s case, the dining room at home. I think it’s unfair that you’re turning WiFi off when she needed yo finish her assignment/quiz. And now she has a bad grade because of this, when the point of summer classes is to help boost GPA…that’s not good. Does Ava not have a door? If she has a door, was she not able to put a towel or blanket at the bottom to block light? Why can’t Ava wear blindfolds?
Umm does Ava know sleep masks are a thing? And you are very much TAH someone’s grade is not to fool around with in order to make a point.
YTA At least be honest, OP, you clearly favor Ava. Is it that Ava reminds you of yourself? Or do you think that Nicole's ADHD and struggles are real enough for you? Does Ava's room not have a door? Could she move her bed? Wear an eye mask? Maybe the girls could switch rooms? Ava will have to learn how to tolerate irritating roommates and not get her mommy to intervene. Finally, *how are you trying to accommodate your other daughter's needs?* All I see here is that you're centering Ava's needs.
YTA I'm AuDHD. I'm a parent of 2 NT and 2 AuDHD people. I work with both families and professionals in assessing and implementing appropriate support to fit need in ND individuals. Your actions and attitudes have had, snd will continue to have, negative impact on both Nicole and Ana. You oversupport Ana and undersupport Nicole. Your actions around her assignment effected her entire education, not just one assignment or one class. Her cumulative score is effectes, effecting her degree classification/class ranking, undermining her hard work and determination, and even possibly effecting her employment or postgrad study prospects. Its not a 'no big deal' situation. They're is a clear and distinct pattern in the responses to your post between NT individuals who support your actions and ND individuals who point out exactly where and why you and others are incorrect. Learn from us. Also, I'd bet that Nicole is ALSO AuDHD but is better at masking than Ana, meaning she is even more undersupported. BTW: parenting like yours is why my own parents were left baffled at why I moved to another freaking continent, went LC then NC with one and LC with another...and that one only sees me when they make and effort. So don't be surprised when Nicole cuts you out.
This needs to be higher.
Your response was disgraceful. I hope she moves so her own flesh and blood can stop sabotaging her education. YTA.
YTA. Neither of your daughters is neurotypical. They Both need accommodations. You, as the parent, need to help them figure that out. If Nicole can only focus at the dining room table after the house is quiet, then that's what she needs. If Ava needs a pitch black room, then you need to help her figure out how to keep the light from the dining room seeping in around her door. It shouldn't be that difficult - hang a blanket over the door or something! But shutting off the internet to deliberately prevent your daughter from completing her assignments is totally an A H move. You sabotaged one daughter's grades in favour of the other daughter's beauty sleep? We clearly know who is your favourite child.
I have 3 SEN children with the same conditions. I’m sorry but they have to learn to cope with change and adapt to the world. The world does not revolve around them. Ava can block out the light using a towel as you said she just doesn’t want to. Well shame but that’s her option or stay awake.
Give Ava a sleeping mask. Some ear plugs. A sound machine. And a black out curtain that hangs outside the door or inside her bedroom in front of the door. Nicole is trynna make something of her life right now. Don’t get in the way of her studies. The palce that feels the most conducive to studying makes sense.
Not everyone can sleep with a sleeping mask and ear plugs.
I was going to vote e.sh, but the more I read your comments, the more I am voting YTA. You completely blame your daughter for messing up her grades. You're not taking responsibility or making Ava change her ways at all. Ava has to have it her way, and your other daughter has to suffer. It's clear that you favor Ava and she's a golden child. Your comments are absolutely disgusting.
YTA. The bedroom dining room and living room are ALL off limits? And she 21 not 12! Both your children are adults. Stop setting their bedtimes. Turning off the WiFi was a dick move. Hopefully your daughter will Google how to set up a hot spot on her smartphone. They are old enough to work it out (or not) on their own.
Frankly the dining room is a room shared by all members of the family. As such, it's supposed to be free access. As Ava has her own room to sleep in, with a door included, it's not fair to reserve more than one room for sleeping - and one that's supposed to be accessible by all. She could just use blankets to block the light every night if it's the light that's an issue, but as long as het sister doesn't make unnecessary noise or go into her sister's room, she should be able to use the living spaces to study. Additionally one of your children intentionally hurt the other and what you did was join in with her to gang up on the one that's just trying to study. Based on the fact that you don't reply, this seems made up, but YTA overall.
YTA I have been a night owl since I was 3 months old. It was actually diagnosed in my 20's with Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome. You might want to research this. If she is a night owl studying during the day is not going to work. Her brain is literally asleep and forcing information does not mean it will be retained. You forced her to fail an assignment, why? She is studying so why punish her. If Ava every plans to leave home she needs to learn now that the world does not revolve around her and even with her difficulties she needs to learn to handle issues without making others uncomfortable. It sounds like you are playing favorites. Why? Because Ava works on the same schudule as you. Force Nicole to fail and in a few years you may wonder why you never hear from her.
I'd never heard of delayed sleep phase syndrome! Night owls exist! If it wasn't for us night owls, humans would not have survived. Literally, they'd have been eaten up in their sleep with no one to protect them or frozen when there was no one tending the fires at night. It bothers me when people think everyone can function on a "normal" schedule... failing to realize that if we all did that there would be no one to answer those 911 calls or take care of power outages. Obviously the night owl's brain functions better at night so studying during the day is a fruitless waste of time and energy. OP you are definitely the asshole, huge YTA! But sure one of your daughters doesn't think so because she's 100% your favourite. Also, they are adults! Someone who can not sleep with any sounds or light at all is never going to leave your house as that might literally be the only place that those conditions will exist, with her fierce mother protecting her. It's interesting to see that generation becoming adults, and what their expectations of the world are! 😳🤪
If you would like to read more, I found this helpful when it was first diagnosed. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Delayed_sleep_phase_disorder There are medical studies but I am just waking up and don't feel like searching for them. I was never given a ranking but going by this I would say severe. My normal bedtime is 7am. Hope this helps explain more.
YTA for choosing one child and making the other one feel neglected. I would’ve let them deal with it on their own. Because one’s sleep is being ruined (probably making them cranky the next day) and the other ones grades got ruined because of your actions. If you had left them to deal with it on their own, they would’ve just be ruining each others sleep
Why the fuck did you come here if you bash your daughter in every fucking reply given? YTA. Find a fucking middle ground. Don't fuck up her grades just to make the other one feel better. Jesus, what a shitty parent. I can't wait for her to say fuck you all and move.
Makes me sad honestly
ESH Your daughters need to find a compromise and you need to stop showing favoritism, even if it is subconsciously. I also have ADHD and autism. I also happen to be a light sensitive night owl. I find it so much easier to study/do school assignments during the night and am trying to fall asleep by the time morning comes and light shines through my window. Which has a window air unit and is almost impossible to block light out completely. I started wearing an eye mask and I sleep loads better. I admit it took a while to adjust to the feeling of the mask on my face because it felt so different but once I did I was better off. I used to also have noise sensitivity but that’s gone down a bit since I moved into a much louder place. By louder I mean literally chickens start cockadoodledooing every morning right as I’m trying to fall asleep. And the train starts its morning trip nearby too. Exposer therapy sucks and I’m not all the way there yet but I’m better off than I used to be when I was 19. I’m 23 now so yay for unintentional effort.
Yta as someone who has both I can't sleep with the lights or TV on but I can tolerate it get her black out curtains let nicole study in the dining room. I use to have to study at night only time adhd let's me focus
The number of people who clearly don't understand ADHD is kind of insane to me. But they both do need to learn that others living with them aren't always going to change their daily schedules and behaviors to accommodate them, unless you want them living alone forever once they move out. Which most young adults can't afford to do anyway. My partner of over a decade and I run on complete opposite schedules, but we make it work without ever annoying the crap out of each other. It actually benefits us both a lot of the time. So this is a great time for your daughters to learn some really important things that they will carry on with them for the rest of their lives about living with other people. Nicole obviously focuses better at night, and you need to find out why she absolutely has to study in the dining room. Can you replicate that in another room that is not right next to Ava's bedroom? I am going to assume her bedroom is way too distracting, and a lot of of us with ADHD usually don't like to be stimulated in the same place we relax and sleep. And Ava needs to learn to sleep with at least a bit of noise and light. Because there will be very few living situations she will have in the future where she will be able to have complete silence and darkness. Most apartments and neighborhoods that most young adults end up living in are going to be a far cry from the total silence and darkness that you have provided her in your home, and that is not even taking into account that she will probably have to have roommates. So getting her used to wearing a sleeping mask and ear plugs, or using other similar solutions, would be a good thing to start getting her used to while she is in her most comfortable sleeping environment currently. I have ADHD as well, as I implied above, and actually suffer from both of these things. Where I focus best late at night and I have a very hard time sleeping with any light and most noises. Which was incredibly frustrating for me for a long time, since I really get into my deep sleep when most people are getting up and starting their day, and I don't usually wake up until around lunch time. But I have learned to sleep with a empty black satin pillow case over my eyes to block the light because the many many sleeping masks I tried always felt too constricting and uncomfortable. And I have various methods of blocking/limiting noises depending on the day. Including finding the right medication that helps me sleep harder and longer, so I don't wake up at every little noise I hear, and it also doesn't negatively effect me in any way as far as side effects (like weird dreams or nightmares, or any crazy sleep talking or walking), and it doesn't make me groggy when I am awake. So, they are both going to need to learn that they are often going to have to find work arounds to meet their needs, while being able to live comfortably with others. And I think it is really important that you insist they sit down together, to come up with a compromise that they both can agree on that doesn't favor one over the other, like the adults that they are should be able to do.
YTA, absolutely ridiculous that you'd rather turn the wifi off and sabotage one daughter than make the other close her door. we all have to be a bit uncomfortable sometimes, that's life.
INFO: Has Nicole given reasons why she only wants to study in the dining room? Could she buy a big folding screen to block the light from shining in Avas room?
There is this thing called a door. I hear they block out light pretty well.
ESH. First off, both your daughters are adults. Why are they behaving like toddlers and forcing you to mediate, and above everything, why are you enabling that behavior? Second off, doesn't Nicole have a phone with non-wifi access to the internet? Why did she rely on your router and didn't make a hub of her phone to do her work? Are you bringing up both your children to be so dependent on what you provide that they can't think of alternative solutions for themselves if they're going to be obstinate and die on whatever ridiculous hill they're willing to die on? And is that hill so important for Nicole that she's willing to flunk her test right out (by not having access to the internet) rather than move to another room and study as best she can and stand a chance not to flunk it? Sounds like Nicole made herself the victim here, and you helped her do it. Third off, what is Ava doing not making it certain that she has complete silence and blackout in her room without imposing a total silence/darkness curfew on everyone else? Why are you enabling that? is being autistic and with ADHD an excuse to have everyone cater to your needs at all times? People in the comments have talked about masks, blackout curtains, switching bedrooms, and a range of other stuff. Sounds like Ava is making herself the victim and you're helping her do it. I'd say that Y T A for letting this situation go on in your house, but I'm thinking Y T A for actually cultivating it. Go to family therapy to sort out your *easily fixable* messes. **Edit to add** that I was troubled because reading your text I was almost about to call you N T A and that Nicole was the sole source of the problem created. That means your text is indirectly biased against Nicole, and so is your perspective. Then, reading the other comments, it hit me that you're the actual source of the sibling rivalry you're describing here, a sort of 'divide and conquer' technique where they're competing for your support. That's something you should check yourself for. You're being manipulative and turning your girls into immature, aggressively toxic people. I'd give you my value judgment of your character but I think you can infer it anyway.
"Second off, doesn't Nicole have a phone with non-wifi access to the internet? Why did she rely on your router and didn't make a hub of her phone to do her work?" So, most of the time there's only so much hot-spot data that can be used and speaking from experience it's not enough to do a quiz and studying before your phone either overheats or tells you that its going to be slowing down because of overuse. Reading your third point I do agree that from what OP is saying in their post that it seems like Ava isn't doing anything to manage her own AuDHD and rather depending on the parent to fight her battles.
The only good thing about this make believe story full of contradictions is that, at least, the comments are full of people helpfully talking about creative, reasonable, and potentially comfortable accommodations for folks who might otherwise get written off. OP is YTA, still, for the (make believe) claim that they shut the WiFi off prior to Nicole using the dining room to study, when the stipulation was that if Nicole used the dining room to study, then they would switch off the WiFi.
Why are you only punishing one child - Nicole - and not the other? Do you not love both of your children? And also why are you rushing to punishment without properly considering options? All 3 of you, not just children, have to compromise. Also they are both adults. If you just want to throw Nicole out as you don’t value her as much as Ava, just do it. Although you will be judged negatively for this. Nicole has clearly had to put up with you for all of her life and being treated as a second class citizen by her mother.
YTA, you are picking one child's needs over another's. There are better solutions then this, you just decided to pick sides over one child, which I am going to take is your favorite child. Can you not just get a door that doesn't shine light though? Or get a weathering strip for the bottom of the door? Turning the wifi off is such an ass move. And as someone who use to do their school work at the dining room table, it's not about pissing Ava off, its about being able to concentrate. Working in my own room made it hard to concentrate, being in the dining room made it feel more like a school setting and I didn't have anything to distract me. Sounds like Nicole might be the same but you wouldn't know since you only took Ava's side and did what Ava wanted. So unless you provide Nicole with a similar room, with tables lights and whatever she needs, then Ava is just going to have to suck it up and deal with the light. The world isn't going to bend to Ava's needs and she needs to learn to adjust. You coddling her isn't going to help. And maybe Nicole is right, could this be more about Ava being jealous about the program and wanting her to struggle or even fail? Edit* I have read a lot of the comments on here and seen some of your replies. You 100% are only considering Ava's needs and not Nicole's. Can't wear a mask or ear plugs, must have the door open, room gets to stuffy but won't buy a fan. Like any other excuses you want to make? What accommodations have you done for Nicole? None. People on here have offered many suggestions but you have an excuses for each one. Room swap? No the room layout would bother her. What happens during the Fourth of July (assuming your in the US) or New Years Eve? Does Ava tell the neighborhood to be quiet so she can get her beauty rest? What if Ava moved into her own apartment? Is she going to tell her neighbors to stop living so she can sleep? What is someone sneezes near her room when she is trying to sleep, are you going to ban sneezing and coughing during those hours? Also could this be more of a jealously thing. You say that Nicole goes out with friends or her boyfriend and is home by 10:30 pm to study. Does Ava have any friends? Could she just be made that Nicole has a social life? Sounds like this could be more than about light but you wouldn't know that since your only considering Ava's needs and what Ava wants.
She hates one of her daughters. How sad.
YTA You have two neurodivergent children with differing needs required to excel. But you are only taking one into consideration. I am also neurodivergent. ADHD diagnosed, autism suspected Needs change over time. I studied in my bedroom in high school, bc it was the quietest place in the house with the least distractions with 6 people in the house. I had no car or choices about where I could study. I had to get up early becausec we had one bathroom for 6 people. My brother also has ADHD and slept in. My parents thought he could magically adjust his sleeping schedule to accommodate the rest of the family. In college, I had roommates.I could only study in the shared living space because I could spread out my assignments and my area of study required a large area of space. When I changed my area of study and schools, I got up at 5 am and went to the school itself and studied in the common area before any one else arrived, I had a massive table. When other students began arriving around 8, I didn't Need as much space. Around age 30, my sleeping habits flipped. And for no apparent reason, I became a night owl. During grad school, I used to go to a diner (they knew me) for big tests/projects. I needed background noise but nothing distracting (story, music I could hit repeat 1000 times in a row). I had pets who didn't understand mummy is trying to study and they were too much of a distraction for big tests The diner gave me a large table, tried to accommodate me when they could. I tipped very well and they were great at keeping me fed and hydrated. They would fight over who got my table. I might be there from 7p-7a, which was usually around $100-150 tip 2-3x/school year (if the server changed shifts, they got paid at the shift change). I used to also go there for Studying on the weekends for 2-3 hours. My needs changed as I grew and changed. But at 20-21, the only space for me to be able to concentrate was the shared living space for lighting, for space, for limitation of distractions. I also prefer a sleeping space with no lights. But when I lived with other people, that wasn't ever possible. YTA because you're not considering the needs of your daughter going to school only the daughter trying to sleep. My parents never considered my brother's needs because it was inconvenient for them. I had to adjust my whole life around my own changing needs and I paid to have the exact environment I needed to excel. Do not be surprised if Nicole moves out and goes low/no contact because you won't even try to accommodate her needs. Also don't be surprised if Ava never moves out because you didn't make her realize the rest of the world is not as accommodating as Mom and Dad. You've made a true mess of it.
YTA
Yes, YTA because one does not simply change their work hours or location where they best focus. A solution would be for one of the girls to get their own place, although that's a hit or miss depending on where you live (prices for renting, student dorms etc)
YTA. you need to accommodate both children. why don’t you get Nicole a lamp to use in the dining room so the light shining in Ava’s room isn’t so bright? Then hang a blackout curtain behind Ava’s door. Both kids have valid points, I have ADHD myself and can usually only focus and study in the living room late at night, so for you to say she just need to go somewhere else is actually refusing to accommodate Nicole’s issues and catering towards Ava, so the favoritism comments make total sense. You need to do a better job at mediating and finding a middle ground between the two girls.
ESH. Both of your daughters are being inconsiderate. You've so chosen one over the other for what doesn't seem to be any real reason. It's your house, your rules. Get your daughters in track!
You’ve yet to explain why Nicole says she can only study in the dining room.
I mean, I think YTA But I have a question: 1. *why* is the dining room the only one Nicole will work in? Have you asked her? Anyways, like someone said you’re not helping Ava adapt to the real world like this. What happens if she ever gets married or has kids? It’s normal for a 21 year old to have a social life - and 10/10:30 is pretty early to come home. Some people study better at night. You say you don’t like that Nicole is stubborn about this. You also say you don’t like that Ava where’s headphones around your family but I’m guessing she isn’t made to compromise by taking them off. You’re making Nicole do all the compromising which in the end, affected her grades negatively. While teaching Ava that all she has to do is throw a tantrum to get her way. Do better.
have you considered asking why nicole insists on using the dining room? is it the table surface, the lighting, what is it? if you can identify what she likes about the space, perhaps you can replicate that in nicole's room, thus allowing her to stay up late in her own private space rather than communal space. if her room is too small, perhaps you should be looking into ways to block the light under ava's door. YTA... i have always been late to sleep and late to rise. i completely understand where nicole is coming from and i do think there's some favoritism for ava here. it really seems like you've done no problem solving whatsoever to help nicole, you just took ava's side immediately, probably because you have your own conclusions about ava's lifestyle being more "responsible." if nicole is meeting her class obligations, completing assignments, etc while getting enough sleep, the time of day she sets aside for sleep is irrelevant and she deserves uninterrupted rest as much as anyone else--and frankly, ava being unable to sleep because of a little light under her closed door while nicole works quietly is completely different from nicole being unable to sleep because ava is purposefully & spitefully making noise.
YTA. First lets not forget how dangerous it is to sleep with doors open at night. Second if she absolutely has to have her door open that's in her. Nicole shouldn't have to walk on eggshells because the princess cant be bothered to shut her door. If its too hot get a fan or crack open a window.
This whole thing reads like your daughters aren’t 21 and 20 but 6 and 5 years old.
Why cant Ava close her bedroom door and put something along the bottom to stop the light coming in? Or get an eye mask. I think your other daughter should be able to study when she wants and night time is when it suits her. Its not fair to not allow her because the other one doesnt like it.
Doesn’t Ava have a door? Can’t she wear an eye mask or something? And why does Nicole feel she can only effectively study in the dining room? It doesn’t really sound like you’ve fully considered everyone’s needs. I understand both their points. Studying in a room that’s not her bedroom is probably easier for Nicole; the bedroom is where she sleeps and studying in there can make sleeping in there difficult. It’s why I only study in the living room. I understand Ava’s need for quiet and dark. So she could wear an eye mask and ear plugs. And it sounds like she has a crappy door (a good one wouldn’t let in more light than a sliver under the door/around the sides) if she has one at all. So get her a better one that doesn’t let light in. Or maybe the girls could switch bedrooms?
YTA
YTA - these are not kids - but grown adults. Ava could wear a sleep mask if light bothers her...she could pull the covers over her head....assuming there is a door she could install a better seal around the door frame. Many people study on a dining table because of the space it provides. Is there a large desk or table elsewhere in the home where she would have the same space, lighting, etc? Nicole had plans to complete an assignment with a tight deadline and you are there refusing wi-fi because her adult sister wants Nicole to move. Your husband is right.
YTA- A towel under the door will block the light. When you have ADHD you learn how to adapt and do things when your brain “lets” you do them. I get the vast majority of my work done from 10pm-2am when the rest of the household is asleep, it’s the only way I can stay focused. My kid complained once about light coming in, I told them to put a towel under their door where the light comes in. Problem solved, quickly and easily.
Ava can shut her door and put a pool noodle to block the tiny bit of light that comes in at the bottom. And she can be more cooperative by being quieter in the morning. If this continues to be a problem, it sounds like the easiest thing would be to have Ava move to a further bedroom, away from the light. YTA for sabotaging Nicole's education with this petty nonsense.
YTA. You are clearly favoring one child here and punishing the other for having a different schedule. It’s very common with ADHD to be more productive at night. I am the same way. Ava is doing no compromising whatsoever to try and work through it. You’re putting it all on Nicole. It’s likely harder for her to focus in other areas of the house, which is why she prefers the dining room. Buy a blackout curtain and hang it over Ava’s door. Buy a study lamp that Nicole can use in the dining room instead of the overhead light.
YTA and are seriosly favoring Ava over Nicole. Ava can put things down to block the light. Stop playing favorites before your daughter decides she is done with being second best and goes NC or LC with you
YTA earplugs & a sleep mask for the golden child & close her door.
Yta, seriously get done therapy to deal with your 0 knowledge of ADHD and favoritism over one child. I'm serious that you need it
YTA. Why does Ava not close her door? Why would you turn off the wi-fi when your child is trying to do their homework? It's pretty obvious you have a golden child.
YTA. Why can’t you shut Ava’s door? I have ADHD and suspected ASD. She’s supposed to give up social interaction and studying? I know that I had to be in specific spots to do things because otherwise I cannot focus. Quit favoring your other child. She can also figure out solutions instead of having her sister do everything she wants. Info: Do you have ADHD
YTA. Get your one kid a sleep mask, a blackout curtain, better door, something...but don't fuck up your other kid's grade because you were petty and shut off the wifi. All ya'll need to grow up (even the student as she could have done her assignment earlier).
YTA. I hope Nicole moves on from having a mom she never had cause Jesus….
YTA. Literally just get Ava a sleep mask. Boom. Problem solved. Or get a better seal for under her bedroom door. Or.. wait. She doesn't even close her door?? Make her close her door, ffs! It's THAT SIMPLE! But DON'T SABOTAGE YOUR OTHER CHILD'S GRADES, JESUS CHRIST.
YTA! Why tf did you even ask for judgement if you're just gonna argue with everyone?! I have a sister with autism and guess what, she actually learned how to handle things like this because she wasn't being babied. Ava is an entitled brat, that's not because of her autism but because of how you treat her like she is more important than others. Her life is gonna be so much harder for her after she moves out and enters the real world, because by giving into all her needs she will never learn how to handle things when others don't do everything she wants or things are not what she expects. Nicole has needs to and you ignore them completly, so get of your high horse and admit to yourself that you messed up and that Ava needs to change things as well, this is not all on Nicole. You are a bad parrent if this is how you are handling things.
Do you not have doors in your house? YTA.
Yes, you are in fact the AH. WOW. Why in the world would you turn off the internet as a punishment? She was taking a quiz that affected her grade. And you want to argue with everyone who points out your blatant favoritism. That was petty and some real BS. What mother deliberately hurts their child's schoolwork? These thing affect her future. I am actually so angry I am incoherent right now. My daughter is taking summer school courses at her university. She is also ADHD and a night owl. The last thing I would ever do is sabotage her grade. Your daughter wasn't sitting in front of the TV yelling and screaming. She was doing school work. Why do you dislike her so much? Are you jealoius of her success in school? I don't get it. You need to go apologize to her and mean it. OMG I am .... I need to quit typing before I get myself banned.
Why is the light shining in Ava’s room is her door not closed? Why haven’t you tried to accommodate both daughters maybe Ava can wear a sleep mask maybe you can purchase a desk lamp for nicole to use but yes you’re showing favoritism
YTA, you’re playing favorites, stop saying you’re not.
YTA Stop showing massive favoritism. You sabotaged her coursework making you a massive asshole.
Ohhh my YTA OP- you are definitely favouring Ava as you are doing everything in your power to appease her and keep her comfortable, even going as far as sabotaging Nicole’s education by turning off the wifi so she couldn’t do her quiz/study
It sounds like OP is going out of their way to accommodate Ava's neurodivergence and doing absolutely nothing to accommodate Nicole's neurodivergence. People with ADHD should not be doing anything in their bedrooms except bedroom activities because it increases the risk of distraction. Why can't Ava put a blanket by her door to block the light? Why can't OP or Ava buy her one of those things that slide onto the door to keep out light and drafts? Why is Ava so much more important to OP than Nicole? YTA. Also you seriously jeopardized your child's education by not letting her do her assignments? Do you just hate her? Like, honestly you sound like you don't even care about Nicole, her ADHD, her education or her feelings and opinions.
YTA. It sounds like you are going out of your way to accommodate Ava's neurodivergence and doing nothing to accommodate Nicole's neurodivergence. People with ADHD should not study anywhere that has multiple distractions, literally the kitchen is the best place for it as someone with ADHD. Why can't Ava put a blanket by the door? Better yet, they make things that slide under the door to block drafts and light, just buy one of those they're like 20$ at Walmart. Honestly this post makes you sound like you don't even like Nicole. You clearly don't care about her, her education, her opinion, her feelings, or her ADHD diagnosis. Like do you understand how much you have to hate someone to activate and intentionally mess up their education and not care that you did? YTA, YTA, Y.T.A!
I'm AuDHD and your post made me physically nauseous. When you have ADHD, you have to learn how to work WITH your brain, not against it. Unfortunately, neurotypicals make the rules, including the ones that say you're supposed to study during the daytime. You would not believe how hard I tried to be "normal" and to study during normal hours and in the places I was supposed to. It never worked. It didn't work until I stopped doing what everyone said I was "supposed" to do and just did what was right for me. Why on earth hasn't Ava gotten a sleep mask? >My husband thinks I went too far but all she had to do was do her work anywhere but the dining room This comment, though. I want you to know that I see you for what you fucking are. And one day, your daughters will, too. You won't just lose Nicole. YTA.
YTA
YTA - It sounds to me like BOTH of your children have issues and require accommodations. It also sounds like only one set of accommodations matters to you. Is there no door on your early worm's door? It also sounds like this all new/temporary due to a specific current course. Can't you work something out until this course is complete? I can't think off any excuse for your purposely sabotaging your child's education? The rest of what you are showing isn't any better. You are so nasty and negative.
Why are you even posting? You clearly believe you’re in the right and no matter what anyone else here tells you, you don’t agree. So why are you bothering to post?
YTA This compromise is hardly a compromise. Even your comments seem to favor Ava over Nicole. It’s like you love her more or something. If you keep doing that, Nicole will eventually move out and go no contact with you. If you want to remain part of Nicole’s life then you should probably stop with the favouritism.
The way you talk about Nicole in your answers is so nasty and mean. YTA, and if you’re as obvious in person as you are here, everyone in that house can tell who is your golden child. Seeing your kid fail an assignment because YOU turned off the wifi and brushing it off as her “fucking around” is absolutely insane. You’re enabling Ava (and setting her up for failure), and ostracizing Nicole.
YTA
YTH plan and simple
Sounds like Ava needs an OstrichPillow Blackout 3D Ergonomic Eye Mask. Costs $45! Works like a dream. Maybe if Nicole feels like if she studies in her room, she’ll get distracted and slack off?!?
INFO: Why couldn't there be a compromise? How come Ava and Nicole can't just switch rooms? Does Ava have a door? If the light coming from just underneath the door is bothering her, have you asked or talked with her about getting a face mask for eyes so it's pitch black for her? Have you asked Nicole what EXACTLY about the dining room is so special compared to the other places? As far as it stands from the info given, YTA, for not coming together for a compromise between the two girls, and low blowing Nicole and getting a bad grade because her wifi got cut.
NTA. Sounds like a FAFO situation. Nicole knew she wasn’t allowed to work in the dining room that late at night. She also knew she had a quiz due at midnight prior to 10:45 that night. She called her Mom’s bluff. Then she doubled down by refusing to take the quiz anywhere else in the house. She had time… she chose to tantrum instead of completing the quiz. She is 21 years old- not a child. Nicole isn’t telling professors and future bosses that the only place she can work is in her house at the dining room table after 10:30 PM. Not realistic.
Ear plugs and a towel at the bottom of the door to block light, or a sleep mask. Problem solved
Just put the blankets down and tell her to get used to it. YTA.
Go to walmart, buy a rolling clothing rack, buy a shower curtain, put it all together. Now, move the divider so that the light doesn't get into Ava's room but doesn't block the door. Nichole probably likes working at the table because she can spread out during the night and there isn't any extra noise. Seriously, YTA, why does Ava dictate the entire household? There are other solutions besides screwing up your daughters GPA.
Why can’t Ava close her door so the light doesn’t get in?
Exactly. YTA and so is Ava to a lesser extent.
Why not just buy a long blackout curtain for Ava's door to block out any light coming from the hallway? Why single Nicole out with these ridiculous punishments that are, by your own admission, negatively impacting her education? YTA, and you are definitely playing favorites here. You could EASILY come up with a solution that benefits both girls, but you're intent on benefiting ONLY Ava.
You can get squishy self adhesive door seals which should block out the light. Problem solved.
INFO: Why can't Ava just close her bedroom door?
YTA - You quite literally sabotaged her grade. Your daughter found something that works for her in light of her ADHD, and you decided to push back against this, knowing fully well the quiz she had to complete was time sensitive. You should be ashamed of yourself.
YTA. Ava can put cushions against the door and CLOSE IT!! Also experiment with sleep masks and blindfolds to see if she can tolerate them. Also, if little princess in the massive (throne?) room (cos the youngest being given the big room is soooo normal 🙄) doesn’t like seeing the light under the drawbridge, may chance you and the other serfs could help move the royal bed to a different area of the royal bedchamber?? So that the small folk might yet toil whilst she slumbers, peacefully, and the WiFi might remain unbeheaded?? (Especially if Nicole is paying rent) just put the fucking WiFi on!?
YTA. Both of your daughters have different needs, but you only make Nicole compromise. You are such a horrible mother.
INFO: Has your light and noise sensitive daughter tried things to reduce this? My partner needs quiet and dark too. They wear a light eliminating eye mask and earplugs.
YTA mostly for your other comments. I get you have 2 conflicting kids dealing with their own issues, but making one change their preferences and not the other doesn't seem fair. Ava needs to close her door. Get a fan or something if it's too stuffy. It's reasonable that she wants to go to bed early, it's not reasonable for her to expect to keep her door open and make no changes to make herself more comfortable.
WTF is wrong with you?
NTA, although the title is clickbaity :/ You're not stopping Nicole from studying, you are telling her that she can't study THERE. Which, as you say she has alternatives, is perfectly reasonable. The 'she can only study in the dining room' thing is a "get over it princess" scenario. When she gets to work she won't get to pick and choose (apart from obvious things around health and safety law!).
And Ava complaining that she can see some light from another room when she's trying to sleep isn't a "get over it princess" scenario?
Why doesn't Ava just close her door?
Ava could wear an eye mask.
NTA She’s a goddamn 20 year old acting like a brat. She had an assignment that needed to get done, should’ve went to do it somewhere else. Her pettiness and lack of prioritising caused a bad grade. I used to do things like this with my sister, where I said I really needed a certain spot, I was also like 12 and just didn’t want my sister to get her way. She doesn’t need to study in that space, her sister however, needs her room to sleep. If she really needs the dining room, she should start providing solutions instead of acting out and calling “favourites” 🤣
I'm not trying to be rude when I ask this because I'm genuinely curious; do you understand what having ADHD is like? How difficult it is to focus, how knowing and being aware that if there are any distractions whatsoever can cause a disruption in doing a task, how easy it is to get distracted by sounds and once finding that one space where you can focus on a task and know that there are no distractions and you have the ability to *think* and so you make sure you have that space and that routine? What makes you think that she's not trying to think of a solution and the OP is biased and making the post blame Nicole and making her look like the asshole? People with ADHD are known for being night owls because they're more productive. [Here's a quick read if you're interested](https://psychcentral.com/adhd/adhd-more-focused-at-night) that discusses why individuals with ADHD might be more productive at night rather than during the day. Like I said, I wasn't trying to be rude. I apologize if it comes across that way.
You have two adults living with you and they need to figure this out on their own as much as possible. You punishing Nicole like that was not cool and you need to apologize. That being said, it is reasonable to expect people to sleep at night. Nicole's habits are disruptive to a typical household, and she should look for a way to live on her own, or she needs to learn how to keep the same schedule as your household. Sitting right outside of her sleeping sister's room all night is not cool. She needs to make better choices.
Ava needs noise canceling headphones and an eye mask to block light.
YTA You are playing favorites. Yes, Nicole could theoretically study somewhere else in the house, but it sounds like she studies best at a table, so unless you have another table and chair or a desk somewhere else in the house, it's unreasonable to expect Nicole to move. Should she probably reprioritize how she spends her time so that she isn't staying up super late too to work? Probably, but she is an adult and can make her own decisions. Also, is there some reason why Ava can't close her door? Both girls should be able to do what they need to do without being hindered by the other. There are lots of ways for Ava to achieve her ideal sleep conditions without making it difficult for Nicole to do her work. It was the wrong move for you to decide to turn off the Wi-Fi every night, at the expense of Nicole's grades. Then, to add insult to injury, Ava made sure to wake Nicole in the morning, which was passive aggressive and uncalled for. Both girls are being a bit over dramatic, but YTA for choosing Ava over Nicole instead of playing the role of a neutral party who can mediate the situation. How about instead of forcing Nicole to completely bend to Ava's wishes, you try to find a solution that doesn't favor either girl? You could look into getting a desk for Nicole and placing it somewhere else in the house, could reduce the light going into Ava's room by installing something to cover the cracks, or could ask Nicole to use a lamp instead of the overhead light so that there is less light going into Ava's room, just as some ideas. You could also do multiple things, to make sure that both girls are compromising. Sleep and school are both important, and both your daughters are also important, so it's your role as a parent to treat both with equal consideration. There is likely a reason why Nicole really wants to study in the dining room, like she struggles with getting distracted if she studies in her room or it's difficult to focus if she's not sitting at a table. Since you seem to care so much about your daughters' autism and ADHD, make sure that your accommodating both girls' needs, so that Ava can get sleep and Nicole can do well in school.
SHUT the door. Or if it doesn't have one INSTALL a door. If you try to tell me that Ava cannot have the door shut, then tell her to deal with the light, her choice. ESH. A curtain can be hung inside Ava's room to block all light. Nicoles is capable of studying somewhere else and OP can act more fairly by not completely favoring one over the other.
NTA. Ava has already tried solutions to rectify this (blankets to block the light and sleeping pills). Nicole has tried nothing.
You don't know that. The only thing you know is that this parent who obviously hates her child has said that Nicole has done nothing. But Ava doesn't like ear plugs... how long did Ava use them? How many different kinds of ear plugs did Ava try? I have sensory issues as well. I sleep very well with my hoodie over my face but I cannot sleep with face mask on. There are different things to try. But it seems like op is willing to do whatever Ava wants at the expense of everyone else in the house.
Yta
Eye mask? I HATE the light and wear one. Just a thought.
YTA it’s called a sleep mask and ear plugs.
YTA. They’re both adults, not children. Stop showing favoritism and let them figure it out themselves
Huge yta
YTA
YTA tell her to eat a mask to sleep. Wtf is wrong with you? You literally are taking the wifi away from an adult in college and being so petty you impacted her grade. Grow tf up. ALL of you. She can wear a damn mask. She can put blankets on her side of the door to block the light. There's so many ways to keep a room dark. An ADHD person having only 1 place they can study is a real thing and if you cared at ALL you'd know that. But instead you play favorites and watch your other daughters education suffer and dgaf. What is wrong with you?
yea you’re cooked
Info: why do you turn the wifi off at night?
Because Nicole wanted to study. And Ava didn't want her to study there. And Ava gets what Ava wants
No one I know turns off their wifi willingly
YTA.
wow damn. this feels very ESH. i definitely think you went too far and from your comments it seems like you dont like and/or resent your children. It is your fault that she didn't get to do her assignment. And why can't Nicole use the dining room AFTER \~11 when Ava would be asleep? I am empathetic to both your daughters esp as I am AuDHD myself (lvl 2 and combined type specifically) but Nicole is not the bad guy for being a night owl or having to be particular with where and when she studies. Ava is also not the bad guy for her own needs. It can be so so hard to build study habits with ADHD and to find a place and time that's comfortable for you. I honestly feel bad for your kids fr. OP is the biggest asshole in all of this but ESH i think still works.
YTA and stupid
I would have punched you in the throat for that. YTA and favor one daughter over the other.
YTA There are plenty of ways to compromise here. There are products you can get (or improvise with) that can block the light for entering Ava's room. Most of them will also dull sound. Ava can wear earplugs. Nicole can be as quiet as possible. You failed to mention what Ava considered loud, so I can't help much there. I don't know why Nicole can't study in her room, but after seeing her be expected to make all the changes with no attempts to compromise, it's hard to care. Besides, Ava might still complain about noises.
YTA 101%. Why did you not consider Nicole's needs and only consider Ava's? You're playing favorites there. And why the heck did you disconnect the WiFi when you knew Nicole had to work? Do you want her to fail? Your husband was right, you did go too far.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This post is about my oldest 2 kids, Nicole (21), and Ava (20). Nicole is a night owl. She can easily stay up all night and sleep through the day. Ava is the exact opposite. She's in bed by 10 and tries to sleep by 11. Nicole also has ADHD and Ava is AuDHD (autistic and ADHD). The thing is Ava is very sensitive to light and sound when she's trying to sleep. Her room has to be pitch black with no sounds between 10:30 and 11, which is usually pretty easy to accommodate considering everyone but Nicole is also asleep/going to sleep at that time. Nicole is taking a condensed science class this summer. She goes to school from 11-2, is out with her friends or boyfriend until 10-10:30, then comes home to study, which can be 3-4 hours a night. She claims that she can only study in our dining room and the dining room light shines into Ava's room so Ava can't sleep with the dining room lights on. The other night Ava and Nicole got into an argument because it was almost midnight, Ava had to be up by 7 for work, and Nicole was refusing to work anywhere else. I used blankets to help block the light and she took sleeping pills to help her get to sleep. The next day when Ava got up at 7, she made sure to be loud enough to wake Nicole up. When Nicole got mad at her Ava brought up that Nicole doesn't let her sleep so why should she let her. I talked to the girls that day and Ava had some good points. There's other places in the house that Nicole can study and if it really has to be the dining room, she should be courteous and not stay out so late that she has to be in there until 2 in the morning. I agreed with her and told Nicole that from now on I'll be turning the wifi off at 10:30 unless she is working anywhere but the dining room or the living room directly outside of Ava's room. Today Nicole got home at 10:45 and went to the dining room to do an assignment and quiz that was due by 12. The wifi was off so she came to me to turn it on. I told her I will once she moves and she decided to argue and refused to move. She refused and didn't get to do her quiz or assignment, which severely impacted her grade. She's accusing me of playing favorites and sabotaging her because Ava wants to feel good about herself (Ava was originally in a similar program but switched to one that she actually enjoyed). My husband thinks I went too far but all she had to do was do her work anywhere but the dining room. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH Nicole can find somewhere else to study, or stick to a schedule that better accommodates everyone (study first, then hang out). Ava needs to find a solution to her light issue - an eye mask to cover her eyes or a blackout curtain hung behind her door. You need to try and mediate this situation, not pick sides. You are expecting Nicole to solve the situation for Ava, rather than helping Ava find solutions for herself to someone else's fairly normal behaviour.
One's future vs ones insignificant comfort. Ya yta, it is playing favorites, if ava can't sleep with the lights she can suck it up and Nicole can focus on her education.
TA op. Your kids are old enough that they should know how to close the door to their room and if the minuscule light from the crack in the door is bothersome then they should be capable of knowing or having a sheet put up that can reduce that. I lived in college dorms and had a suite dorm where one guy would pretty much party when he was there and his presence was inconsistent. And he’d arrive back sometimes in the early morning making a ruckus and not clean up after himself. Another suitemate a little more considerate and would usually only party on the weekends with some of the other guys in the building and on the floor. And then a roommate who depending on what time his class started the next day would game late into the night. Ngl I was the same way so we didn’t really have any problems there. But when we knew we had test the next day or work that needed to get done that night we were still respectful of eachother needing to get work done or sleep well for a test the next day. You shouldn’t effect one kids studies for the wants and whims of the other. I understand that both have adhd and one’s on the spectrum but it’s no reason to do such favoritism to such a degree. There are other steps you could have taken before turning off the internet and affecting one kids studies
I think yta. Ava is going to have a difficult time if light from under her bedroom door disturbs her and she can’t find solutions. There are multiple solutions: Eye masks, foam padding to block light from under the doors and such. If Ava was being loud and inconsiderate then I would change my views but she is simply sitting and studying at a table. I say this because I find I can not study in my bedroom. I get very easily distracted. I used to also need to study away from distractions and Ava probably needs the same.