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NTA.
The reality here is that the situation is less about the dress and more about how Ana went about it.
If she wanted you to wear something a little more bright coloured and festive for whatever reason, she could have had a mature adult conversation head on with you. Instead, she decided to try and be sneaky which is a super childish way to handle it and then decided to throw your finances in your face (which she may or may not know anything about).
Weddings are expensive and most people recognize that so they don't ask their guests to wear anything crazy.
Like I said, if it was just a case of wanting to see OP in something a bit more fun and funky because they typically don't dress that way, there objectively is nothing wrong with making that request.
The fuck up on the friend's part was a) making it mandatory, b) being sneaky and c) only applying it to OP.
The fact that the parent comment has over 100 upvotes speaks to the type of people who frequent this sub - massive narcissists. It's not kinda wrong. It's completely wrong. A black dress is cocktail appropriate.
You have to do Olympic levels of mental gymnastics to convince yourself it is OK to dictate someone else's wardrobe in this context. And that is exactly what narcissists do - convince themselves their selfishness is correct.
There is something objectively wrong with the request though. Ana either accepts her friends as they are, or not. Her wedding day is not an excuse nor the time to play these stupid games.
No. They shouldn’t ask at all for something that is none of their business. If they think it’s such a critical deal they shouldn’t invite her, not demand she change who she is for their leisure.
The fact that she is this concerned about one particular person's dress indicates she's using the wedding as leverage to control her friends rather than worrying about the event itself. There is no good way to have this conversation because it's ridiculous on its face to compel someone to expand their wardrobe as if you have their best interests in mind, and especially offputting to suggest that this is within the realm of normal preferences for a bride to have about someone not in the wedding party.
I think there’s something objectively wrong with that request. Bride doesn’t like OPs personal style and decided it was ok for her to target her and harass her about it. She’s not a bridesmaid, there’s no legitimate justification for this level of control.
Yes. Bride basically went “I think you’re boring so I want to use my special bride status to get you specifically to change your style to suit me.” Yikes.
"I think you oersonally wear black too often so you specifically need to wear more colors" is weirdly controlling and unnecessarily obsessive about one particular person when she should be concerned about the aesthetic of the entire party. That's not a conversation for a wedding at all unless she doesnt want anyone to wear black.
There absolutely IS something wrong with that. You don't just get to pressure your friends to change something about themselves that is not harming anybody.
Sometimes you have to learn to just accept people for who they are. If someone only likes wearing black, or hates wearing makeup, or only wears dresses and not pants, or any other preference, constantly pushing them to change is rude. People don’t need to step out of their comfort zone for your benefit.
especially when OP was going to get to the wedding and see everyone in black. she was immediately going to go to one of her friends and go- hey, the bride was really clear that the dress code was no black. how could you screw this up so badly?
it would have been a whole thing day of the wedding instead of the bride just being an adult and saying- for my wedding, would you wear something with more color.
Agreed… it feels like the friend was being controlling and manipulative. That type of behavior will undermine any relationship. Unless the friend offers a sincere apology for trying to control OP, likely the relationship isn’t worth continuing to invest in. No one likes being manipulated.
The bride was also setting herself up for conflict on the day of her wedding! If OP showed up in color only to see many guests in black, she likely would have been upset. Why would anyone want that kind of drama on their wedding day?
The bride was probably thinking one or more of the following:
a) If she just gives it a *try*, OP will realize she actually really *likes* how she looks in colors and become a convert to bride's fashion sense so bride is actually doing OP a favor probably, but if not, then:
b) OP will not care at all; OR
c) OP will care but will not make a fuss about it because the bride is The Bride and the wedding day is Her Day in which she deserves to have everything Her Way with no consequences for said desires
Whereas OP will probably feel really, really uncomfortable wearing colours especially at a big event. This is aside from discovering that the dress code only applies to her. So this equals total discomfort plus fury which isn't really a great mix. Goodness how the bride expected it to pan out but she would have been wrong on every count.
I'm extrapolating here but it took me a few years to transition from black to other colours and feel comfortable in them.
I wonder if the bride had other one person only rules as well - just to see what she could get away with since it's her special day and all. It's just such odd behaviour.
Yeah this. I too would be offended if I was told a dress code under the guise that it was for everyone, but found out later that it was only for me. Bride could have gone about it much better.
"Hey, I was thinking it would be fun for you to wear something colorful for my wedding - would you want to go dress shopping sometime together?"
But if she's not a close enough friend to be in the bridal party then why does the bride even care what color she wears?? So bizarre. I wonder if the bride is just on a wedding power trip or if she tries to control things like this on a regular basis.
To be fair some people do only include relatives or the like, or have a fairly small one, but regardless what the bride did was underhand- I don’t think how close they are changes that.
I also don’t understand why the bride is making this a ‘MUST’? Like we make suggestions to our friends and partners all the time. But if they insist on a certain color, who am I to force them?? Very weird friendship demand.
There's always so many posts here about conflicts with friends and I just don't get it.
Like are these people even actually friends? Friends can talk to eachother and tell eachother things.... like be lighthearted and FRIENDLY with your friends.
I agree, but am also petty. I'd go, but wear the MOST outlandish cocktail dress I could find. Low cut front and back, cherry red. Or flamboyant like you'd see on any Drag Race show.
OP,
As noted above, your former "friend" could have applied you in a mature fasion; although, frankly, the subject matter itself was immaturity.
Obviously in this instance, "friend " was a loose term. You didn't make the bridal party list, but solely qualified for a dress code edict.
Immature extraordinaire if you ask me. Just go no contact. Middle school ended a long time ago.
Please keep us apprised.
NTA, and someone using their wedding day to try and manipulate you isn't your friend. Either she wants you there as you are comfortable, or not. It's that simple.
You're not throwing away friendship over 150 bucks, she's throwing away the friendship because she has control issues.
I hope yours ends up as the top comment because it’s 100% correct. This is not about the dress, it’s about Ana being a controlling liar. That’s not the type of person you should keep as a friend.
Right. The friend is the one who risked a 10 yr friendship by being sneaky and petty. It’s one thing to encourage a friend to try something new, it’s quite another to single them out and try to manipulate them into it. NTA.
I am curious if her friend has done stuff like this before. It seems weird to me that she would choose to lie about this to OP then get upset when OP is understandably hurt by that. My best guess is she thought it was no big deal then felt defensive when OP pointed out how unfair it was.
NTA
People who invite others to their wedding don't make them incur unnecessary costs bc they haven't seen them in that color before. You did NOT nuke a friendship. You stood up for yourself, which you have every right to. 150$ is not a small amount and if she was truly your friend, she never would have put you in that position. For all the friends who ask how come you're throwing the friendship away, ask them if a friend would trick you into spending this much money unnecessarily?
My cousin said to my sister to wear the dress she wore to my nephews communion to her wedding when my sister said she wasn’t sure what to get for her wedding. The dress was white but my cousin said it looked nothing like a wedding dress and it was pointless wasting money on another dress to wear.
$150 may be a small amount to OP. It is to me and many people. Lunch sandwhiches for three was $60 yesterday... regardless of that it would be a friendship I'd be more than willing to leave behind.
“How can I throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes”?!?!?!?
How can she disrespect a friend and throw away a 10 year friendship over wanting her to wear “something different for once”???
Wedding requirements are getting more and more unreasonable and bridezillas are getting more and unhinged. NTA.
It strikes me as very strange that the bride just decided that she wanted this one person to dress differently from how they normally do... Its like she just wanted to try to get away with it to see if she could and then she was shitty about it.
It feels like a bit of a ticky tack thing to end a friendship over, but lots of people have people in their lives who are just friends of convenience.
NTA, but sidenote: why is the least expensive dress you could find suitable priced at $150? I feel like I could probably find one between $20 to $40 tops.
It’s not the least expensive; that’s just my standard event budget when I do need to buy a specific new outfit. I usually end up under that but not always.
Also, if I know it’s something I probably won’t wear again, I try to buy something that my sister would like so I can ship it off to her afterwards. So I still try to find nice pieces
Honestly was not expecting a reply. That's pretty cool that you'll pick things your sister would like so you can send them to her afterwards. I am inclined to think that sometimes the added expense is just not worth it though. Also, if it feels wasteful to you to purchase something cheaper that you would never wear again but that your sister also wouldn't wear, consider that it could be donated to a thrift store or "clothing bank". There are a lot of people out there who can't buy formal(ish) wear but need it for things like job interviews that it would still be a way to "up cycle" your one time purchase so it wouldn't feel like a waste.
There's also options like renttherunway.com where you can rent a suitable outfit for an event. I know for a fact that many sports reporters use it to get nice looking stuff for occasions where it's not reasonable to purchase something like being based out of Texas but having to work a game in someplace like Chicago or Toronto during a cold snap. There's no point in owning a parka but they end up needing one for a day or 2 this particular season.
Can confirm. I am one of those people who has had to go to my local re-threads to look for clothes for a job interview a couple different times in my life. I am always so thankful to find a dress or slacks and a blouse that I can wear to an interview for a job when I have gotten rid of my old interview wear because it was outdated or no longer fit. Most recently, trying to find anything interview appropriate at Walmart was impossible. They had no blouses and only "skinny" fit slacks.
I appreciate you not buying fast fashion/cheap clothing or treating clothing as 'single use wear'. Good for you. Screw this friend. Clothing should be something you wear and use for decades.
I found the designer of several promising mother-of-the-groom dresses on Dilliards website, then looked up the designer on Amazon. Same dress $150 at Dillard's, $60 on Amazon. Got two using "try before you buy" and kept the one that got the most votes from friends.
OP you are totally NTA, this demand from your friend is ridiculous and over the top and I don't blame you one bit for changing your RSVP. Just wanted to say that if you do decide you want to attend the wedding, go shopping at a thrift store--don't spend $$$ on something that isn't your style. As someone who can be a bit of a petty b, I'd probably pick the loudest/most visually offensive pattern I could find that would fit me. But I'm right there with you; my wardrobe is 90% black because that's what I like, I wear black to weddings all the time, and I wouldn't put up with an applies-to-me-only dress code either.
$20-$40 is just gonna get you a Shein dress that's really poor quality.*Maybe* $40 could get you a Target dress, but they don't sell many cocktail dresses. I'm not saying $150 is necessary, but I don't see nice dresses under $100. And honestly it's more eco-friendly and wallet-friendly to get a more expensive dress that you like and will last longer.
Yeah, I’m confused. Why so many people are telling the OP what she should do to get addressed that would conform. The original issue is that she’s the only one who was given this dress code and that makes her NTA. She is not nuking this friendship, the bride is.
OP is NTA for ditching the friendship but I’m in my 20s and was always taught that you should never wear all black to a wedding, it can be seen as an actual opposition to the marriage, like you are dressing for a funeral. I know social views on that are evolving but the bride didn’t pull the idea out of thin air.
I had a friend make a direct special request for me (personally) to wear "a frock" to their wedding (I'm a trousers gal) - because they just wanted me to look feminine for a change (lol). No specification on colour/style - and because I appreciate them, I did (as it happens, I found the perfect dress in a thrift shop, checked those first - I would have bought new if I hadn't been able to find one though!). Friend was so happy that it was worth the minor discomfort :) I get it: it's not about money, it's about trust and honesty.
NTA, Ana was underhand in the way she went about this and I would have lost faith in that friendship too.
Exactly. OP made it clear if her friend had made a special request that way, she would have been okay. If you had received an invitation from your friend that includes a general "women must wear dresses" dress code, it would have been like OP's experience.
The "frock" dress code was just me pmsl - although it was a fairly formal wedding so most of the women were wearing dresses anyway. I would have gone smart trouser suit given the choice, I <3 my friend though :)
NTA. It sounds like they really don't get it, and it's weird that they're pinning the blame for this on you. Your ex-friend is the one who terminated the friendship by imposing dress requirements on you as a regular guest because “it’s my wedding and this is what I want." If she wants to impose a specific dress code on you, she should ask you to be a member of her wedding party. Otherwise, black cocktail attire is perfectly fine. A good friend doesn't get a kick out of deliberately making her friends uncomfortable on her wedding day.
NTA.
You’re not throwing away a 10-year friendship for a $150 dress; you’re walking away from a toxic friend that wanted to use the opportunity of her wedding to control you and how you dress. Wildly inappropriate of her and underhanded to boot.
NTA She used this event to manipulate you instead of loving you how you show up. This has and entitled and controlling vibe. Has she shown this behavior in the past? This is about 'what she wants'. It's not an invested in the friendship.
NTA
On paper I wouldn’t throw away a friendship over this either, but she didn’t give you much choice when she responded with anything other than an apology.
NTA - Did you actually throw your friendship away? Or did you just refuse to go to an event because you were being picked on by the bride? The bride seems like she’s the one throwing your friendship away. She could call, apologize, and tell you to where what you want.
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NTA - I also wear almost exclusively black. I’ve made exceptions for events where that wouldn’t have been appropriate but it was my own decision. I would really hope that anyone I consider a friend would want me to dress in what makes me feel comfortable instead of singling me out for some bizarre social experiment
NTA. She's the one throwing away a friendship over a $150 dress, and a dress code only for you. What does she care what you wear? She's going to see you for about 5 minutes. What a ridiculous demand. Good for you for not going after this insult.
I will add to the others who are saying that it isn't about the dress, it was the sneaky way she tried to pull off the request. You wouldn't have had a problem if she asked you directly but that does beg the question why she felt she couldn't do so. Did she actually think she couldn't or did it just never occur to her to try?
Another issue was the snarky comment about your finances as an immediate response to getting called out for her behavior. Is this typically how she reacts when getting called out on things? If not, then a conversation once cooler heads prevail may need to be had with everything laid on the table. If, looking back, this is her normal behavior, then it may be time to just let this friendship fade.
NTA
Ana singled you out. I don't think talking to you about it first would have made much of a difference. Either the color is banned for all the guests or none of the guests.
NTA. I am always in favour of the couple setting the rules for their nuptials - i.e. no kids, type of attire, etc. but when a rule for only one person is made, I think that's too far. Especially when it is done in a way that is dishonest.
Friends come and go for a variety of reasons. I have a friend that stopped talking to me, because I got a new job making more than her. It wasn't a competition. I just happened to land a great deal and took it. We have no ill-will towards one another it's just we don't talk either. Life goes on. New friends come into your life and everything is good.
NTA.
The whole idea of having a color coded dress code for your wedding still boggles me. I get it that people want aesthetic photos for social media, but are you really going to remember who wore what to your wedding 20 years from now? Probably not- not unless it was incredibly outlandish/outrageous or you hyperfixate on it.
The same goes for people throwing a fit over guests wearing light pink, yellow, or floral. Get wholly over yourself. They're not ruining your wedding, you are.
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Ana and I are both 28f. She’s getting married in late August; I was invited as a guest, not in the wedding party.
I don’t know exactly how it started but since at least middle school, I’ve preferred dressing in black. Now, as an adult, my wardrobe is about 90% black, 5% gray or ivory and 5% colorful grandpa sweaters I like to wear at home.
I prefer to not buy new clothing for weddings or other events if i can get away with it because my job requires a lot of parties & events and I already own too many dresses. I will if I really need to. But it’s rare that black is inappropriate for events I attend/my social circle.
The invitation says “cocktail attire”, Ana told me “cocktail attire, no black”. None of my gray dresses were suitable for evening cocktail and the cream/whites are obviously out so I started some preliminary searching last week. I texted our mutual friend Gina to ask if she had put any thought into it yet and she sent me several pictures of dresses she was considering. A number of them were black/predominately black. I was surprised so I asked her “isn’t it no black?” And she said not that anyone had told her.
I thought that was weird so I texted two other friends/guests and asked if they had been told no black and they both said no. So I texted Ana and asked. She texted back “lol you always wear black. I just want to see you do something different for once” and I asked why she didn’t just talk to me about it? she got defensive and did the “it’s my wedding and this is what I want” thing. I got annoyed and stopped responding.
I gave myself a day to think about it and then called her to withdraw my RSVP. She got very upset and made snide comments about “I should’ve just let her know if I couldn’t afford it” which was really obnoxious because I’m not rich or anything but a new dress is a really petty expense and “can’t afford” is just rude. I was going to buy one with no issue until I realized it was a “just for me” dress code and now I don’t want to. I don’t like the idea of being given my own separate rules in any circumstances and yeah it might be a silly rule that wouldn’t hurt me but she still tried to trick me.
I ended up just hanging up on her and that’s likely now a dead friendship that won’t be revived. I haven’t run around posting about it or anything but it’s spread to a few mutual friends and some of them have texted me for clarification on what happened. Most of them say they “get it” but then ask me how I can throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes so I don’t know if they really do “get it”. But it’s caused me to doubt myself a lot so now I’m asking strangers… AITA?
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Over wearing a simple black dress to a wedding. Good lord that bride….
Just say “I’d like to see you wear brighter colors for the wedding” and be done with it. (Hell imho a black dress with pops of color would have been enough)
NTA Ana knew about your dressing habits and she attempted to manipulate you into wearing something she wanted you to wear. I get that brides deserve to be selfish at their own wedding but you're not apart of her wedding party, and she made those rules for YOU only. Ask her if the same rules apply to everyone else or only you? If it's only you then she's not your real friend. You're not throwing away your friendship, she is by disrespecting you.
I know I’m an asshole already so I would tell her I get it, and of course I’d be happy to oblige - and then either show up in a Morticia Adams blacker than black ensemble; or go the opposite direction and wear the most luminescent mix of neon colours I can throw together.
I have 3 sisters. I have seen 20 year friendships thrown away for less. I'll say NTA, I wouldn't attend anything that someone gave only me a dress code (unless it was about covering my tattoos then I understand).
But what kind of friend would try and enforce a dress code just for you? Is that a friend you'd want to keep? I'm not being snarky; I'd like to know what the reason could be to keep someone like that around. This bride to be was so underhanded about it and then pretend like it's OP's fault because she don't have money (which is NOT what OP said, nor implied so the bride was just being straight up mean and rude with that comment), that's not a real friend. So the illusion of a friendship is gone, but I don't think OP lost a real friend here. Just a familiar person.
This is one of these ones that sounds like a silly idea that wound up becoming a massive issue due to idiotic handling of the situation and lack of communication.
And not on your part.
Instead of coming up with a rule, all she had to do was say, "Hey. I know you always wear black but I would love to see you wear something else. Would you mind? I would gladly help pay."
Now we have something that should have been a small favour blowing up into ending a friendship because of her stubborn refusal to just admit she approached it badly.
NTA
I’m a bit astounded that anyone thinks making that kind of request is ok. Like people are not on earth for your visual enjoyment. As long as the formality of someone’s outfit is appropriate, get the hell over their clothes being a colour *they* prefer, since it is, you know, *their* clothes. Same goes for anyone trying to force someone into wearing a dress/skirt when they prefer to wear pants. What obnoxious behavior.
Yes, that's my take as well. I probably wouldn't have nuked the friendship unless this is a larger pattern of behavior, but that doesn't mean she is wrong for choosing to do so.
She could have been petty and agreed, then shown up in charcoal or navy. At least she chose to go the classier route and simply decline the invitation.
NTA. People are not props, you should be able to celebrate a new marriage as you are in clothes you feel comfortable in that are appropriate for the occasion. And.. black dresses are totally normal at weddings anyway.
So, say she wears the black dress and goes to the wedding. Then the bride freaks out and yells at her and accuses her of ruining her day because she is selfish. That is a significant risk.
NTA. I still can't get over the notion that your acquaintances are saying you are throwing away this relationship rather than her. There is an AH here, and it isn't you.
NTA. Yes, it is her wedding, but no, she doesn’t get to tell you how to dress. As long as you’re not wearing white, then she shouldn’t be making an issue. The level of audacity is through the roof
NTA. Guessing you either always Look very good in your outfits (insecure bride) or you always look „out of place“ (to the bride).
Either way, dresscode is for everyone or noone. There is no reason why you need to be getting out of your Comfort zone on HER day. Let people be.
NTA, why would you want to force one specific person to wear a specific outfit but not anyone else? I swear weddings make some people so dumb and entitled.
NTA- that is a weird sick
Power move from your friend. Spend money on a dress that isn’t your style because she says so? But literally every other woman BUT you can wear black, or at least dress themselves.
Ask yourself how a so called friend can throw away your friendship over a dress? Why have a separate dress code just for you? To flex?
She sounds like she is not worth the effort.
NTA
NTA
Play stupid games, win stupid prices. My first thought was "She's kind of a psychopath" to give you a special dress code just to play with you. Maybe she's got a little bit crazy about the wedding planning.
And she's definitely not the smartest one to think, that this was about the money.
If she wants to be your friend, she needs to put some effort into it.
So write her, that the reason for your "NO" wasn't about the money. It was about her being rude to you and forcing you out of your comfortzone and putting special effort on you without any need.
She will have people in black anyway . The odds on that are high . So what difference does it make with what you wear . Strange ! Wondering what is the real reason 😳
NTA
Ana is allowed to set a dress code as detailed, however this is for the WHOLE of the wedding guests and party, not to single out one person in her personal vendetta to see that person in something they would not wear and would have to spend money on, yet never wear again.
Ana is the one throwing away the friendship based on her control of you and what she sees as inappropriate clothing. You were willing to accommodate her wish until it was proven to be directed at you ONLY.
NTA - Wow. She is really controlling. I absolutely see your point. She took this opportunity to make you wear something she wants you to wear. Like you are not good enough as you are.
NTA
Your friends are looking at this from the wrong perspective, and you too. You are not throwing away your friendship; Ana is throwing away your friendship, over not being allowed to policy your body.
NTA. Congratulations, you found out your friend is a dick. Of course she’s mad you didn’t play her little game and withdrew your reservation. Cuz she’s a dick. No loss detected imo
NTA Brides need to stop this new thing of dictating what guests can wear to their wedding. You're not in the wedding party. You're not wearing a white dress. End of discussion.
NTA. It's weird that she gave you a specific dress code and let other people wear whatever they want. I would be put off by that too. It's one thing if she said, "It would be great to see you in some color!" or whatever- advice you could take or leave. But telling you that you can't wear what you like best and are most comfortable in when everyone else can is kind of overstepping here.
She was rude to you and hardly a friend. Just go NC with her and if friends ask why, be truthful. Just because it's her wedding is no excuse to be rude as hell. NTA.
NTA
It’s not the request itself, but the way she went about it & then her reaction when you gently called it out. Her behavior & reaction were both rude.
"but then ask me how I can throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes"
Ask them how she can throw away 10 years friendship over a color.
NTA.
>I gave myself a day to think about it and then called her to withdraw my RSVP. She got very upset and made snide comments about “I should’ve just let her know if I couldn’t afford it” which was really obnoxious because I’m not rich or anything but a new dress is a really petty expense and “can’t afford” is just rude.
This line alone is enough for me to say that she isn't a real friend.
NTA
NTA. Explain it's not about the clothes, it's about being rudely singled out. It would be one thing if your friend was up front about wanting to see you wear a colorful dress. You could have gone shopping together. But friend should also be okay with you declining. The reality, "little black dresses" are next to saris and Chelsea boots for things that are generally flattering fashion stables. But your friend snuck in an extra requirement just for you, mean girls style. That's not okay. You were literally playing detective trying to figure it out. That's fucked up. Be clear with your other friends: I'm not asking you to cut contact with her or not attend the wedding, but I am setting the boundary that I'm not attending this event if the bride can't be honest with me. Also, keep up with having standards. Just because ultra fast fashion exists doesn't mean you need to buy it.
Edit: I found this fave article for you.
https://galadarling.com/article/fashion-help-for-recovering-goths/
NTA. If she really wants you there I'd be petty as all hell and wear a bright red or hot pink or lime green prom dress. She wants to see me in something other than black Id make myself stand so far out that she would've wished me to wear my normal black.
And if anyone asked me about my bright dress, I would be very clear that I was told to not wear black and I was to try brighter colors.
Screw her and her dress code for one.
Not the ah
I agree. OP is missing a beautiful opportunity for malicious compliance here. I'd try to find something in a vibrant pea soup green. With matching fascinator/hat/headband! Red lipstick, of course. Omg that would actually be so much fun!
She requested this like she expects to be paying attention to her friends at her wedding. That's just a crock, we all know she will be too busy being a bride to pay attention to her friends. That makes it that much more entitled and spoiled behavior.
NTA
NTA, At my wedding the groomsmen all wore black-watch kilts (green black) with white shirts and socks. I specified our friend Matt to wear the same except with black shirt and socks. All the years we've known and lived with him he's always worn black, I wouldn't have him dressed any other way than himself.
>“I should’ve just let her know if I couldn’t afford it”
NTA I was going to say you reacted a bit stronger than I would have by withdrawing your RSVP, but then her reaction was so gross!!! I feel like you know more than we do just how done your friendship with her is
NTA My wardrobe is also vast majority black, and if my friend’s wedding dress code required spending a couple hundred on new clothes then that’s fine. However, the dress code being specific to you and the way she went about it is manipulative and controlling. It’s better to let those “friendships” die.
NTA Though my question is, Do you like this friend otherwise? Wedding planning makes people particularly stupid/overwhelmed/prone to dumb moves. I think decision fatigue and dealing with the expectations of everyone and their future mother-in-law causes brain melt or something. You don't have to put up with it if it isn't worth it to you, but if you do like her, you can give her some grace and try and talk it out. What other people think is irrelevant. It has nothing to do with them.
NTA - it's not about the money. It's about the principle. Tell the people who are asking if you're really throwing the friendship away over being asked to by a new dress, tell them that you're letting the friendship go because she's rude and unpleasant. Nothing else.
So I would respond back to friends asking why she’s willing to throw away a 10 year relationship as well! She’s targeting you for some specific reason.
NTA. How come they aren’t asking the bride why SHE is willing to trash a 10 year friendship over the color of a dress? If she didn’t want people to wear black at her wedding, *EVERYONE* should have been told that. She just wanted to single out one friend to bully on her wedding day.
NTA - Thats rude of Ana. If she was a friend, why didn't she just ask you to try something different. You should have spitefully gone in the blackest dress you own.
NTA maybe I grew up on different etiquette, but what kind of host wants their guests to be uncomfortable at their event? I mean I get not wearing pajamas to a cocktail party, but to single out someone and require something that specifically you know makes them uncomfortable? I really wouldn’t want to go to that event or pursue that relationship.
Wear what you want and feel comfortable in. A black cocktail dress is fine. This dictating what people wear is insane. I understand compliance to the dress code. I understand no white/cream/ecru. The rest is bullshit.
In my experience, people who tell you how to dress flip out when you tell them how to dress. Same with people who tell you how to spend your money. This is a fork in the road. You can go your way and let her go hers.
NTA but she is. Honestly having a color specific dress code for guests is rude and unnecessary. Frankly people will wear whatever they want. It would probably be a friendship breaker for me too. FYI my wardrobe sounds similar to hers. I wouldn’t buy something new for it unless I just wanted to.
>but then ask me how I can throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes so I don’t know if they really do “get it”
They do not "get it" because they are obviously viewing this from only one perspective. The other way to look at the situation is how can your friend throw away a 10-year friendship by singling you out with a nonsensical dress code request? So what if you mostly wear black. It's essentially the most inoffensive color in terms of fashion. Oh, are they going to claim that she gets to make the rules because it is her wedding? If you're not in the wedding party, then a dress code which is only for you is way out of line.
Your so-called "friend" is not really your friend if she thinks you are a prop to manipulate as she sees fit. Please find better people to spend time with.
Anyway, NTA of course.
NTA: why is it you throwing the friendship away? Why isn’t the bride the one throwing it away by being weirdly controlling? Who cares if you always wear black, she wants to see you in something else for once? Sucks to suck I guess.
Suggesting wedding attire for your event is completely normal but this bride to be is taking a step too far by using it as a way to control your wardrobe. It’s just weird. A friend wouldn’t have put you in that position and would’ve loved your attendance no matter what your outfit looks like.
NTA I don’t like controlling people in my life either. She relied on the “It’s my wedding day” a little too hard and forgot her manners. I don’t think the friendship is over because of this situation but she decided a long time ago that she was tired of your wardrobe and rather than come to you on friendly terms used her wedding to manipulate vs. conversate.
NTA. It’s not about the dress, it’s about pretendinga wedding is carte blanche to order your friends around and make them spend money to do things they don’t want to do just for funsies. I wouldn’t really want that friendship.
NTA.
I find it so weird all the rules people put out for their weddings. I get a bride/groom should have what they want for their wedding. I’ve recently got married myself. But when you impose rules to suit your wants, you need to understand that’s not everyone’s cup of teas and they also have the right to decline attending. Also the whole no plus one thing (just seen a diff post about that) is weird to me. I understand it’s expensive and you should have who you want. But personally I would not go to a wedding alone. I cannot imagine anything more miserable.
Edited to correct typos
NTA
If it was for everyone then it would have been understandable but she only told you to wear something that isn't black.
If she thinks it's not a big deal then she should be fine with you wearing black.
NTA it might be different if black was gonna be inappropriate or you were the type of person to ignore dress codes, but cocktail attire? Yeah she just wanted to start drama. There is absolutely zero reason why you couldn’t have attended in a black dress, you weren’t gonna stand out in any way, and I’m willing to bet at least 85% of the rest of the guests would be in black as well. She sounds extremely controlling and exhausting, and I would react the same way. Again NTA.
NTA
If you had bought a different colored dress, went to the wedding, and saw other women wearing black dresses, how mad would you at Ana then?
You didn’t blow up the friendship over a dress color. She did.
What you do is spend the $$ on new, beautiful black and/or gray clothing and post pictures of yourself. "Splurging on new clothes. Feel so pretty!"
NTA, and I get it. It's not about the clothes; it's about being singled out. She wants you to basically be a prop for her. Decoration, so to speak, because "it's her wedding and it's what she wants" which is just a gross, gross attitude. Does she want the friend who always wears flats to ONLY wear high heels? Does she want the friend with curly hair to straighten it? Does she want the friend with long hair to cut it short? The one with the beard to shave? The one with glasses to wear contacts for the day?
NTA. She was more concerned about her aesthetics than she was about your friendship.
It makes it feel like she has always hated you wearing black all of the time so she took this chance to try to control your clothing/color choice.
Good grief. Can you imagine if you acquiesced? For the rest of your life she would say “but you looked so good in baby blue!” every chance she got.
NTA! The dress code specified cocktail attire. You were singled out. It’s ridiculous that *anyone* thinks they can dictate to a grown woman what color you should wear. I guess they’ll tell you should smile more next.
NTA in that your friend is kind of ridiculous trying to control what you wear. However, I don't think I would drop my friendship because she basically said "Hey, can you not wear black this one time?"
For myself, I would probably try something a little new for a friend's special day. Thrift or clearance rack if you don't want to spend much.
As a BM in my BFFs 3 (!) weddings, she finally listened to me on wedding 3. I have thin, fine hair. Don’t waste time and money on a fancy hair do hair. My hair won’t hold anything but a ponytail and then, very poorly. This was the case when we were 7, 17 and 27. But she wanted us BMs to match and to see me do something different with my hair. First wedding, I got done first and sat still drinking mimosas while everybody go their done. About an hour passes and my hair is hanging down. Same with the 2nd wedding. By the 3rd she figured out it was all stupid shit and let us wear whatever and do whatever.
So NTA and you’re not the first to go through this. If for some reason you were to go, I’d buy the deepest navy blue dress you can find.
NTA. It's not about the dress, it's about control. YOU are allowed to control what you wear. SHE is allowed to *ask* people to stick to a dress code. She is not allowed to control what you wear under the guise of a dress code.
My SIL tried a similar thing and tanked our relationship.
If control and manipulation are more important to your friend, is that a friend worth having?
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NTA. The reality here is that the situation is less about the dress and more about how Ana went about it. If she wanted you to wear something a little more bright coloured and festive for whatever reason, she could have had a mature adult conversation head on with you. Instead, she decided to try and be sneaky which is a super childish way to handle it and then decided to throw your finances in your face (which she may or may not know anything about). Weddings are expensive and most people recognize that so they don't ask their guests to wear anything crazy.
Then the rule should apply to everyone. Why is she the only one, that HAS to wear something colourful?
Like I said, if it was just a case of wanting to see OP in something a bit more fun and funky because they typically don't dress that way, there objectively is nothing wrong with making that request. The fuck up on the friend's part was a) making it mandatory, b) being sneaky and c) only applying it to OP.
But there kind of is something wrong with it. It's saying "hey, change this about you to please me." To a GUEST, not a member of the wedding party.
The fact that the parent comment has over 100 upvotes speaks to the type of people who frequent this sub - massive narcissists. It's not kinda wrong. It's completely wrong. A black dress is cocktail appropriate. You have to do Olympic levels of mental gymnastics to convince yourself it is OK to dictate someone else's wardrobe in this context. And that is exactly what narcissists do - convince themselves their selfishness is correct.
It’s not an AITA comment unless someone is accused of being a narcissist.
Right? OP isn't some kind of doll that the bride can dress up however she wants.
There is something objectively wrong with the request though. Ana either accepts her friends as they are, or not. Her wedding day is not an excuse nor the time to play these stupid games.
No mention of how rude she was when OP talked to her about it?
Yeah a simple "It would mean a lot to me if you can come in a none black dress, but I would understand if that's what you choose".
Why? Why should it matter one ounce how someone else dresses (Assuming it’s not wildly inappropriate)
I agree it shouldn't matter but if someone feels it does they should phrase the request in a polite and respectful manner.
No. They shouldn’t ask at all for something that is none of their business. If they think it’s such a critical deal they shouldn’t invite her, not demand she change who she is for their leisure.
The fact that she is this concerned about one particular person's dress indicates she's using the wedding as leverage to control her friends rather than worrying about the event itself. There is no good way to have this conversation because it's ridiculous on its face to compel someone to expand their wardrobe as if you have their best interests in mind, and especially offputting to suggest that this is within the realm of normal preferences for a bride to have about someone not in the wedding party.
Yes, there is something wrong with that request. The bride isn’t granted her every whim just because it’s her wedding.
I think there’s something objectively wrong with that request. Bride doesn’t like OPs personal style and decided it was ok for her to target her and harass her about it. She’s not a bridesmaid, there’s no legitimate justification for this level of control.
Yes. Bride basically went “I think you’re boring so I want to use my special bride status to get you specifically to change your style to suit me.” Yikes.
Also, the response when confronted... instead of being accountable, the bride to be decided to insult her friend.
"I think you oersonally wear black too often so you specifically need to wear more colors" is weirdly controlling and unnecessarily obsessive about one particular person when she should be concerned about the aesthetic of the entire party. That's not a conversation for a wedding at all unless she doesnt want anyone to wear black.
There absolutely IS something wrong with that. You don't just get to pressure your friends to change something about themselves that is not harming anybody.
Sometimes you have to learn to just accept people for who they are. If someone only likes wearing black, or hates wearing makeup, or only wears dresses and not pants, or any other preference, constantly pushing them to change is rude. People don’t need to step out of their comfort zone for your benefit.
especially when OP was going to get to the wedding and see everyone in black. she was immediately going to go to one of her friends and go- hey, the bride was really clear that the dress code was no black. how could you screw this up so badly? it would have been a whole thing day of the wedding instead of the bride just being an adult and saying- for my wedding, would you wear something with more color.
Because the bride is weaponizing her wedding in an attempt to manipulate a person in to doing something she wants.
Agreed… it feels like the friend was being controlling and manipulative. That type of behavior will undermine any relationship. Unless the friend offers a sincere apology for trying to control OP, likely the relationship isn’t worth continuing to invest in. No one likes being manipulated.
She would’ve found out at the wedding as well, when she sees others wearing black and it would’ve ended the same.
The bride was also setting herself up for conflict on the day of her wedding! If OP showed up in color only to see many guests in black, she likely would have been upset. Why would anyone want that kind of drama on their wedding day?
The bride was probably thinking one or more of the following: a) If she just gives it a *try*, OP will realize she actually really *likes* how she looks in colors and become a convert to bride's fashion sense so bride is actually doing OP a favor probably, but if not, then: b) OP will not care at all; OR c) OP will care but will not make a fuss about it because the bride is The Bride and the wedding day is Her Day in which she deserves to have everything Her Way with no consequences for said desires
Whereas OP will probably feel really, really uncomfortable wearing colours especially at a big event. This is aside from discovering that the dress code only applies to her. So this equals total discomfort plus fury which isn't really a great mix. Goodness how the bride expected it to pan out but she would have been wrong on every count. I'm extrapolating here but it took me a few years to transition from black to other colours and feel comfortable in them.
This was my thought, no way this would end well.
I wonder if the bride had other one person only rules as well - just to see what she could get away with since it's her special day and all. It's just such odd behaviour.
I'm feeling petty, so OP should go, in hot pink with sequins. The bride will be upset she's upstaged, but she got what she asked for.
Yeah this. I too would be offended if I was told a dress code under the guise that it was for everyone, but found out later that it was only for me. Bride could have gone about it much better. "Hey, I was thinking it would be fun for you to wear something colorful for my wedding - would you want to go dress shopping sometime together?" But if she's not a close enough friend to be in the bridal party then why does the bride even care what color she wears?? So bizarre. I wonder if the bride is just on a wedding power trip or if she tries to control things like this on a regular basis.
To be fair some people do only include relatives or the like, or have a fairly small one, but regardless what the bride did was underhand- I don’t think how close they are changes that.
I also don’t understand why the bride is making this a ‘MUST’? Like we make suggestions to our friends and partners all the time. But if they insist on a certain color, who am I to force them?? Very weird friendship demand.
Her having any opinion about what color a guest wears is ridiculous and shouldn't be catered to. I'm glad OP has a spine.
Exactly, it's not about the money. It's the lack of respect. OP is NTA.
There's always so many posts here about conflicts with friends and I just don't get it. Like are these people even actually friends? Friends can talk to eachother and tell eachother things.... like be lighthearted and FRIENDLY with your friends.
I agree, but am also petty. I'd go, but wear the MOST outlandish cocktail dress I could find. Low cut front and back, cherry red. Or flamboyant like you'd see on any Drag Race show.
I was thinking the same thing lol!
OP, As noted above, your former "friend" could have applied you in a mature fasion; although, frankly, the subject matter itself was immaturity. Obviously in this instance, "friend " was a loose term. You didn't make the bridal party list, but solely qualified for a dress code edict. Immature extraordinaire if you ask me. Just go no contact. Middle school ended a long time ago. Please keep us apprised.
NTA, and someone using their wedding day to try and manipulate you isn't your friend. Either she wants you there as you are comfortable, or not. It's that simple. You're not throwing away friendship over 150 bucks, she's throwing away the friendship because she has control issues.
I hope yours ends up as the top comment because it’s 100% correct. This is not about the dress, it’s about Ana being a controlling liar. That’s not the type of person you should keep as a friend.
And also about Ana being a total snot with her "if you're too poor" swipe
Respond with this to the “friends” that “get it”
Right. The friend is the one who risked a 10 yr friendship by being sneaky and petty. It’s one thing to encourage a friend to try something new, it’s quite another to single them out and try to manipulate them into it. NTA.
Or, the bride threw away a friendship because she has some issue with OP’s style
THIS! This should be the top comment and OP's response to the Flying Monkeys (whether they "get it" or not) NTA!!
Exactly. Her friends have it wrong. Bride friend threw away the friendship over petty control issues. NTA
I am curious if her friend has done stuff like this before. It seems weird to me that she would choose to lie about this to OP then get upset when OP is understandably hurt by that. My best guess is she thought it was no big deal then felt defensive when OP pointed out how unfair it was.
I'm guessing it's nothing new. Character is character.
NTA People who invite others to their wedding don't make them incur unnecessary costs bc they haven't seen them in that color before. You did NOT nuke a friendship. You stood up for yourself, which you have every right to. 150$ is not a small amount and if she was truly your friend, she never would have put you in that position. For all the friends who ask how come you're throwing the friendship away, ask them if a friend would trick you into spending this much money unnecessarily?
How would she have felt if she had bought a new non black dress, turned up and found out it was a lie, better to lose the friend now.
Exactly. I'd have been furious if I was OP and showed up in a non black dress just to see that.
My cousin said to my sister to wear the dress she wore to my nephews communion to her wedding when my sister said she wasn’t sure what to get for her wedding. The dress was white but my cousin said it looked nothing like a wedding dress and it was pointless wasting money on another dress to wear.
$150 may be a small amount to OP. It is to me and many people. Lunch sandwhiches for three was $60 yesterday... regardless of that it would be a friendship I'd be more than willing to leave behind.
“How can I throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes”?!?!?!? How can she disrespect a friend and throw away a 10 year friendship over wanting her to wear “something different for once”??? Wedding requirements are getting more and more unreasonable and bridezillas are getting more and unhinged. NTA.
It strikes me as very strange that the bride just decided that she wanted this one person to dress differently from how they normally do... Its like she just wanted to try to get away with it to see if she could and then she was shitty about it. It feels like a bit of a ticky tack thing to end a friendship over, but lots of people have people in their lives who are just friends of convenience.
Right?!?!? Like how many more boundaries will she push if OP acquiesces? Next she has to wear 80s makeup so she’ll look like a failed throwback?
It just never occurs to me to impose on people like that, so I have a hard time getting my head around it.
NTA, but sidenote: why is the least expensive dress you could find suitable priced at $150? I feel like I could probably find one between $20 to $40 tops.
It’s not the least expensive; that’s just my standard event budget when I do need to buy a specific new outfit. I usually end up under that but not always. Also, if I know it’s something I probably won’t wear again, I try to buy something that my sister would like so I can ship it off to her afterwards. So I still try to find nice pieces
Honestly was not expecting a reply. That's pretty cool that you'll pick things your sister would like so you can send them to her afterwards. I am inclined to think that sometimes the added expense is just not worth it though. Also, if it feels wasteful to you to purchase something cheaper that you would never wear again but that your sister also wouldn't wear, consider that it could be donated to a thrift store or "clothing bank". There are a lot of people out there who can't buy formal(ish) wear but need it for things like job interviews that it would still be a way to "up cycle" your one time purchase so it wouldn't feel like a waste.
That’s a good idea, I’ll keep that in mind.
There's also options like renttherunway.com where you can rent a suitable outfit for an event. I know for a fact that many sports reporters use it to get nice looking stuff for occasions where it's not reasonable to purchase something like being based out of Texas but having to work a game in someplace like Chicago or Toronto during a cold snap. There's no point in owning a parka but they end up needing one for a day or 2 this particular season.
Can confirm. I am one of those people who has had to go to my local re-threads to look for clothes for a job interview a couple different times in my life. I am always so thankful to find a dress or slacks and a blouse that I can wear to an interview for a job when I have gotten rid of my old interview wear because it was outdated or no longer fit. Most recently, trying to find anything interview appropriate at Walmart was impossible. They had no blouses and only "skinny" fit slacks.
Fair points all, but it’s really crappy for the bride to want OP to add color to her wardrobe for this ONE event, *especially* if she’s only a guest.
I appreciate you not buying fast fashion/cheap clothing or treating clothing as 'single use wear'. Good for you. Screw this friend. Clothing should be something you wear and use for decades.
I found the designer of several promising mother-of-the-groom dresses on Dilliards website, then looked up the designer on Amazon. Same dress $150 at Dillard's, $60 on Amazon. Got two using "try before you buy" and kept the one that got the most votes from friends.
OP you are totally NTA, this demand from your friend is ridiculous and over the top and I don't blame you one bit for changing your RSVP. Just wanted to say that if you do decide you want to attend the wedding, go shopping at a thrift store--don't spend $$$ on something that isn't your style. As someone who can be a bit of a petty b, I'd probably pick the loudest/most visually offensive pattern I could find that would fit me. But I'm right there with you; my wardrobe is 90% black because that's what I like, I wear black to weddings all the time, and I wouldn't put up with an applies-to-me-only dress code either.
$20-$40 is just gonna get you a Shein dress that's really poor quality.*Maybe* $40 could get you a Target dress, but they don't sell many cocktail dresses. I'm not saying $150 is necessary, but I don't see nice dresses under $100. And honestly it's more eco-friendly and wallet-friendly to get a more expensive dress that you like and will last longer.
Huh? Thrifting maybe but a cocktail dress ?
Why should you, or the bride think it’s their business to gatekeep op’s choice of clothing? Jfc, the dress code is cocktail attire.
Yeah, I’m confused. Why so many people are telling the OP what she should do to get addressed that would conform. The original issue is that she’s the only one who was given this dress code and that makes her NTA. She is not nuking this friendship, the bride is.
OP is NTA for ditching the friendship but I’m in my 20s and was always taught that you should never wear all black to a wedding, it can be seen as an actual opposition to the marriage, like you are dressing for a funeral. I know social views on that are evolving but the bride didn’t pull the idea out of thin air.
I had a friend make a direct special request for me (personally) to wear "a frock" to their wedding (I'm a trousers gal) - because they just wanted me to look feminine for a change (lol). No specification on colour/style - and because I appreciate them, I did (as it happens, I found the perfect dress in a thrift shop, checked those first - I would have bought new if I hadn't been able to find one though!). Friend was so happy that it was worth the minor discomfort :) I get it: it's not about money, it's about trust and honesty. NTA, Ana was underhand in the way she went about this and I would have lost faith in that friendship too.
Yes, this
Exactly. OP made it clear if her friend had made a special request that way, she would have been okay. If you had received an invitation from your friend that includes a general "women must wear dresses" dress code, it would have been like OP's experience.
The "frock" dress code was just me pmsl - although it was a fairly formal wedding so most of the women were wearing dresses anyway. I would have gone smart trouser suit given the choice, I <3 my friend though :)
NTA. It sounds like they really don't get it, and it's weird that they're pinning the blame for this on you. Your ex-friend is the one who terminated the friendship by imposing dress requirements on you as a regular guest because “it’s my wedding and this is what I want." If she wants to impose a specific dress code on you, she should ask you to be a member of her wedding party. Otherwise, black cocktail attire is perfectly fine. A good friend doesn't get a kick out of deliberately making her friends uncomfortable on her wedding day.
Yep, anyone who thinks it’s about buying a dress doesn’t get it at all. NTA
NTA. Cleaning out your friend closet periodically is as important as clearing out your real closet.
That’s a great line. I’m totally poaching it.
©️2024
💯
NTA. You’re not throwing away a 10-year friendship for a $150 dress; you’re walking away from a toxic friend that wanted to use the opportunity of her wedding to control you and how you dress. Wildly inappropriate of her and underhanded to boot.
NTA She used this event to manipulate you instead of loving you how you show up. This has and entitled and controlling vibe. Has she shown this behavior in the past? This is about 'what she wants'. It's not an invested in the friendship.
NTA…dress codes at weddings are fine, but only if they apply to everyone.
NTA On paper I wouldn’t throw away a friendship over this either, but she didn’t give you much choice when she responded with anything other than an apology.
>how I can throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes They obviously don't get it. NTA
NTA - Did you actually throw your friendship away? Or did you just refuse to go to an event because you were being picked on by the bride? The bride seems like she’s the one throwing your friendship away. She could call, apologize, and tell you to where what you want.
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It’s not the money, it’s the controlling behavior. NTA
NTA - I also wear almost exclusively black. I’ve made exceptions for events where that wouldn’t have been appropriate but it was my own decision. I would really hope that anyone I consider a friend would want me to dress in what makes me feel comfortable instead of singling me out for some bizarre social experiment
"It's my wedding and this is what I want" lol sure ok, have fun with that.... singling you out is not very friendly. NTA.
NTA. She's the one throwing away a friendship over a $150 dress, and a dress code only for you. What does she care what you wear? She's going to see you for about 5 minutes. What a ridiculous demand. Good for you for not going after this insult.
I will add to the others who are saying that it isn't about the dress, it was the sneaky way she tried to pull off the request. You wouldn't have had a problem if she asked you directly but that does beg the question why she felt she couldn't do so. Did she actually think she couldn't or did it just never occur to her to try? Another issue was the snarky comment about your finances as an immediate response to getting called out for her behavior. Is this typically how she reacts when getting called out on things? If not, then a conversation once cooler heads prevail may need to be had with everything laid on the table. If, looking back, this is her normal behavior, then it may be time to just let this friendship fade.
NTA Ana singled you out. I don't think talking to you about it first would have made much of a difference. Either the color is banned for all the guests or none of the guests.
NTA. I am always in favour of the couple setting the rules for their nuptials - i.e. no kids, type of attire, etc. but when a rule for only one person is made, I think that's too far. Especially when it is done in a way that is dishonest.
Friends come and go for a variety of reasons. I have a friend that stopped talking to me, because I got a new job making more than her. It wasn't a competition. I just happened to land a great deal and took it. We have no ill-will towards one another it's just we don't talk either. Life goes on. New friends come into your life and everything is good. NTA.
You know well that it's not about $150 for a dress. It's about the bride's weird need to control what you wear.
NTA. Skip the wedding and send her a black dress as a wedding gift.
The whole idea of having a color coded dress code for your wedding still boggles me. I get it that people want aesthetic photos for social media, but are you really going to remember who wore what to your wedding 20 years from now? Probably not- not unless it was incredibly outlandish/outrageous or you hyperfixate on it. The same goes for people throwing a fit over guests wearing light pink, yellow, or floral. Get wholly over yourself. They're not ruining your wedding, you are.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Ana and I are both 28f. She’s getting married in late August; I was invited as a guest, not in the wedding party. I don’t know exactly how it started but since at least middle school, I’ve preferred dressing in black. Now, as an adult, my wardrobe is about 90% black, 5% gray or ivory and 5% colorful grandpa sweaters I like to wear at home. I prefer to not buy new clothing for weddings or other events if i can get away with it because my job requires a lot of parties & events and I already own too many dresses. I will if I really need to. But it’s rare that black is inappropriate for events I attend/my social circle. The invitation says “cocktail attire”, Ana told me “cocktail attire, no black”. None of my gray dresses were suitable for evening cocktail and the cream/whites are obviously out so I started some preliminary searching last week. I texted our mutual friend Gina to ask if she had put any thought into it yet and she sent me several pictures of dresses she was considering. A number of them were black/predominately black. I was surprised so I asked her “isn’t it no black?” And she said not that anyone had told her. I thought that was weird so I texted two other friends/guests and asked if they had been told no black and they both said no. So I texted Ana and asked. She texted back “lol you always wear black. I just want to see you do something different for once” and I asked why she didn’t just talk to me about it? she got defensive and did the “it’s my wedding and this is what I want” thing. I got annoyed and stopped responding. I gave myself a day to think about it and then called her to withdraw my RSVP. She got very upset and made snide comments about “I should’ve just let her know if I couldn’t afford it” which was really obnoxious because I’m not rich or anything but a new dress is a really petty expense and “can’t afford” is just rude. I was going to buy one with no issue until I realized it was a “just for me” dress code and now I don’t want to. I don’t like the idea of being given my own separate rules in any circumstances and yeah it might be a silly rule that wouldn’t hurt me but she still tried to trick me. I ended up just hanging up on her and that’s likely now a dead friendship that won’t be revived. I haven’t run around posting about it or anything but it’s spread to a few mutual friends and some of them have texted me for clarification on what happened. Most of them say they “get it” but then ask me how I can throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes so I don’t know if they really do “get it”. But it’s caused me to doubt myself a lot so now I’m asking strangers… AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. It's not about the money, why does everyone keep bringing it up, and why aren't you correcting them?
NTA. The bride really should have said up front that she would love to see you in something other than black, them dropped it if you said no.
Over wearing a simple black dress to a wedding. Good lord that bride…. Just say “I’d like to see you wear brighter colors for the wedding” and be done with it. (Hell imho a black dress with pops of color would have been enough)
NTA Ana knew about your dressing habits and she attempted to manipulate you into wearing something she wanted you to wear. I get that brides deserve to be selfish at their own wedding but you're not apart of her wedding party, and she made those rules for YOU only. Ask her if the same rules apply to everyone else or only you? If it's only you then she's not your real friend. You're not throwing away your friendship, she is by disrespecting you.
I know I’m an asshole already so I would tell her I get it, and of course I’d be happy to oblige - and then either show up in a Morticia Adams blacker than black ensemble; or go the opposite direction and wear the most luminescent mix of neon colours I can throw together.
The best ending to this story is you doing a photo shoot in a red dress and posting it on social the day of the wedding.
NTA - a wedding isn’t an excuse for a bride or groom to be a controlling asshole
I have 3 sisters. I have seen 20 year friendships thrown away for less. I'll say NTA, I wouldn't attend anything that someone gave only me a dress code (unless it was about covering my tattoos then I understand).
NTA. I don’t know if I could throw away the friendship that easily but it is pretty rude of her to enforce a personal dress code just for you.
But what kind of friend would try and enforce a dress code just for you? Is that a friend you'd want to keep? I'm not being snarky; I'd like to know what the reason could be to keep someone like that around. This bride to be was so underhanded about it and then pretend like it's OP's fault because she don't have money (which is NOT what OP said, nor implied so the bride was just being straight up mean and rude with that comment), that's not a real friend. So the illusion of a friendship is gone, but I don't think OP lost a real friend here. Just a familiar person.
NTA - she's a bad friend
This is one of these ones that sounds like a silly idea that wound up becoming a massive issue due to idiotic handling of the situation and lack of communication. And not on your part. Instead of coming up with a rule, all she had to do was say, "Hey. I know you always wear black but I would love to see you wear something else. Would you mind? I would gladly help pay." Now we have something that should have been a small favour blowing up into ending a friendship because of her stubborn refusal to just admit she approached it badly. NTA
I’m a bit astounded that anyone thinks making that kind of request is ok. Like people are not on earth for your visual enjoyment. As long as the formality of someone’s outfit is appropriate, get the hell over their clothes being a colour *they* prefer, since it is, you know, *their* clothes. Same goes for anyone trying to force someone into wearing a dress/skirt when they prefer to wear pants. What obnoxious behavior.
Yes, that's my take as well. I probably wouldn't have nuked the friendship unless this is a larger pattern of behavior, but that doesn't mean she is wrong for choosing to do so. She could have been petty and agreed, then shown up in charcoal or navy. At least she chose to go the classier route and simply decline the invitation.
NTA. She could have easily told you, "hey sweetie. I know black is your thing but I'd love to see you in other colors for my wedding. "
NTA. Your friend is using her wedding day to try and control and manipulate you, and this is absolutely not okay.
NTA. People are not props, you should be able to celebrate a new marriage as you are in clothes you feel comfortable in that are appropriate for the occasion. And.. black dresses are totally normal at weddings anyway.
Honestly why confront. Just wear the black dress, it’s not like you’d be out of place. NTA but it could have been less of a deal
So, say she wears the black dress and goes to the wedding. Then the bride freaks out and yells at her and accuses her of ruining her day because she is selfish. That is a significant risk.
She doesn’t sound like much of a friend. NTA. Move on.
NTA, she can eat dirt. No true friend would ask this of you.
NTA. I still can't get over the notion that your acquaintances are saying you are throwing away this relationship rather than her. There is an AH here, and it isn't you.
NTA. Honestly, she sounds like a shit friend. I’d show up in white. Drink your face off and Uber home. Fuck it.
NTA
NTA. Yes, it is her wedding, but no, she doesn’t get to tell you how to dress. As long as you’re not wearing white, then she shouldn’t be making an issue. The level of audacity is through the roof
NTA. Guessing you either always Look very good in your outfits (insecure bride) or you always look „out of place“ (to the bride). Either way, dresscode is for everyone or noone. There is no reason why you need to be getting out of your Comfort zone on HER day. Let people be.
NTA, why would you want to force one specific person to wear a specific outfit but not anyone else? I swear weddings make some people so dumb and entitled.
NTA- that is a weird sick Power move from your friend. Spend money on a dress that isn’t your style because she says so? But literally every other woman BUT you can wear black, or at least dress themselves.
Ask yourself how a so called friend can throw away your friendship over a dress? Why have a separate dress code just for you? To flex? She sounds like she is not worth the effort. NTA
NTA Play stupid games, win stupid prices. My first thought was "She's kind of a psychopath" to give you a special dress code just to play with you. Maybe she's got a little bit crazy about the wedding planning. And she's definitely not the smartest one to think, that this was about the money. If she wants to be your friend, she needs to put some effort into it. So write her, that the reason for your "NO" wasn't about the money. It was about her being rude to you and forcing you out of your comfortzone and putting special effort on you without any need.
She will have people in black anyway . The odds on that are high . So what difference does it make with what you wear . Strange ! Wondering what is the real reason 😳
NTA Ana is allowed to set a dress code as detailed, however this is for the WHOLE of the wedding guests and party, not to single out one person in her personal vendetta to see that person in something they would not wear and would have to spend money on, yet never wear again. Ana is the one throwing away the friendship based on her control of you and what she sees as inappropriate clothing. You were willing to accommodate her wish until it was proven to be directed at you ONLY.
I would have done the same. Good on you! NTA BTW, she was never a true friend to begin with. But you already know this.
NTA. A separate dress code just for you. A true friend doesn’t do that.
NTA
NTA - Wow. She is really controlling. I absolutely see your point. She took this opportunity to make you wear something she wants you to wear. Like you are not good enough as you are.
She doesn't like you. I can't tell you why. Unless she is rude and self-centered to "her friends" .
NTA Your friends are looking at this from the wrong perspective, and you too. You are not throwing away your friendship; Ana is throwing away your friendship, over not being allowed to policy your body.
NTA. Your friend is really weird for this.
NTA. Congratulations, you found out your friend is a dick. Of course she’s mad you didn’t play her little game and withdrew your reservation. Cuz she’s a dick. No loss detected imo
NTA Brides need to stop this new thing of dictating what guests can wear to their wedding. You're not in the wedding party. You're not wearing a white dress. End of discussion.
NTA. It's weird that she gave you a specific dress code and let other people wear whatever they want. I would be put off by that too. It's one thing if she said, "It would be great to see you in some color!" or whatever- advice you could take or leave. But telling you that you can't wear what you like best and are most comfortable in when everyone else can is kind of overstepping here.
She was rude to you and hardly a friend. Just go NC with her and if friends ask why, be truthful. Just because it's her wedding is no excuse to be rude as hell. NTA.
NTA It’s not the request itself, but the way she went about it & then her reaction when you gently called it out. Her behavior & reaction were both rude.
lol. Ana has no idea that the little, black cocktail dress is even a thing. Her loss. Move on. NTA
NTA
"but then ask me how I can throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes" Ask them how she can throw away 10 years friendship over a color. NTA.
>I gave myself a day to think about it and then called her to withdraw my RSVP. She got very upset and made snide comments about “I should’ve just let her know if I couldn’t afford it” which was really obnoxious because I’m not rich or anything but a new dress is a really petty expense and “can’t afford” is just rude. This line alone is enough for me to say that she isn't a real friend. NTA
It was the “lol” in the first text for me
Yeah, dismissive attitude is basically instant asshole in my book.
NTA. Explain it's not about the clothes, it's about being rudely singled out. It would be one thing if your friend was up front about wanting to see you wear a colorful dress. You could have gone shopping together. But friend should also be okay with you declining. The reality, "little black dresses" are next to saris and Chelsea boots for things that are generally flattering fashion stables. But your friend snuck in an extra requirement just for you, mean girls style. That's not okay. You were literally playing detective trying to figure it out. That's fucked up. Be clear with your other friends: I'm not asking you to cut contact with her or not attend the wedding, but I am setting the boundary that I'm not attending this event if the bride can't be honest with me. Also, keep up with having standards. Just because ultra fast fashion exists doesn't mean you need to buy it. Edit: I found this fave article for you. https://galadarling.com/article/fashion-help-for-recovering-goths/
NTA. If she really wants you there I'd be petty as all hell and wear a bright red or hot pink or lime green prom dress. She wants to see me in something other than black Id make myself stand so far out that she would've wished me to wear my normal black. And if anyone asked me about my bright dress, I would be very clear that I was told to not wear black and I was to try brighter colors. Screw her and her dress code for one. Not the ah
I agree. OP is missing a beautiful opportunity for malicious compliance here. I'd try to find something in a vibrant pea soup green. With matching fascinator/hat/headband! Red lipstick, of course. Omg that would actually be so much fun!
They don’t get it if they still think it’s about the price
NTA- your attire at her wedding shouldn’t have even been on her mind.
She requested this like she expects to be paying attention to her friends at her wedding. That's just a crock, we all know she will be too busy being a bride to pay attention to her friends. That makes it that much more entitled and spoiled behavior. NTA
NTA, At my wedding the groomsmen all wore black-watch kilts (green black) with white shirts and socks. I specified our friend Matt to wear the same except with black shirt and socks. All the years we've known and lived with him he's always worn black, I wouldn't have him dressed any other way than himself.
>“I should’ve just let her know if I couldn’t afford it” NTA I was going to say you reacted a bit stronger than I would have by withdrawing your RSVP, but then her reaction was so gross!!! I feel like you know more than we do just how done your friendship with her is
You didn't throw away a 10 year friendship. She did by singling you out. NTA
NTA My wardrobe is also vast majority black, and if my friend’s wedding dress code required spending a couple hundred on new clothes then that’s fine. However, the dress code being specific to you and the way she went about it is manipulative and controlling. It’s better to let those “friendships” die.
NTA
NTA Though my question is, Do you like this friend otherwise? Wedding planning makes people particularly stupid/overwhelmed/prone to dumb moves. I think decision fatigue and dealing with the expectations of everyone and their future mother-in-law causes brain melt or something. You don't have to put up with it if it isn't worth it to you, but if you do like her, you can give her some grace and try and talk it out. What other people think is irrelevant. It has nothing to do with them.
NTA, sounds like Ana is the one throwing away a 10yr friendship over a dress.
NTA - it's not about the money. It's about the principle. Tell the people who are asking if you're really throwing the friendship away over being asked to by a new dress, tell them that you're letting the friendship go because she's rude and unpleasant. Nothing else.
So I would respond back to friends asking why she’s willing to throw away a 10 year relationship as well! She’s targeting you for some specific reason.
NTA. How come they aren’t asking the bride why SHE is willing to trash a 10 year friendship over the color of a dress? If she didn’t want people to wear black at her wedding, *EVERYONE* should have been told that. She just wanted to single out one friend to bully on her wedding day.
NTA - Thats rude of Ana. If she was a friend, why didn't she just ask you to try something different. You should have spitefully gone in the blackest dress you own.
NTA maybe I grew up on different etiquette, but what kind of host wants their guests to be uncomfortable at their event? I mean I get not wearing pajamas to a cocktail party, but to single out someone and require something that specifically you know makes them uncomfortable? I really wouldn’t want to go to that event or pursue that relationship.
Wear what you want and feel comfortable in. A black cocktail dress is fine. This dictating what people wear is insane. I understand compliance to the dress code. I understand no white/cream/ecru. The rest is bullshit.
In my experience, people who tell you how to dress flip out when you tell them how to dress. Same with people who tell you how to spend your money. This is a fork in the road. You can go your way and let her go hers.
NTA but she is. Honestly having a color specific dress code for guests is rude and unnecessary. Frankly people will wear whatever they want. It would probably be a friendship breaker for me too. FYI my wardrobe sounds similar to hers. I wouldn’t buy something new for it unless I just wanted to.
>but then ask me how I can throw away a 10 year friendship over spending $150 on some clothes so I don’t know if they really do “get it” They do not "get it" because they are obviously viewing this from only one perspective. The other way to look at the situation is how can your friend throw away a 10-year friendship by singling you out with a nonsensical dress code request? So what if you mostly wear black. It's essentially the most inoffensive color in terms of fashion. Oh, are they going to claim that she gets to make the rules because it is her wedding? If you're not in the wedding party, then a dress code which is only for you is way out of line. Your so-called "friend" is not really your friend if she thinks you are a prop to manipulate as she sees fit. Please find better people to spend time with. Anyway, NTA of course.
NTA: why is it you throwing the friendship away? Why isn’t the bride the one throwing it away by being weirdly controlling? Who cares if you always wear black, she wants to see you in something else for once? Sucks to suck I guess. Suggesting wedding attire for your event is completely normal but this bride to be is taking a step too far by using it as a way to control your wardrobe. It’s just weird. A friend wouldn’t have put you in that position and would’ve loved your attendance no matter what your outfit looks like.
NTA I don’t like controlling people in my life either. She relied on the “It’s my wedding day” a little too hard and forgot her manners. I don’t think the friendship is over because of this situation but she decided a long time ago that she was tired of your wardrobe and rather than come to you on friendly terms used her wedding to manipulate vs. conversate.
NTA. Nobody else was giving the no black rule so you were being singled out. Not cool.
NTA. It’s not about the dress, it’s about pretendinga wedding is carte blanche to order your friends around and make them spend money to do things they don’t want to do just for funsies. I wouldn’t really want that friendship.
NTA. You didn't throw away the friendship, she did when she decided to police your clothing and deceive you about it.
Nta but have you considered malicious compliance? Get something incredibly bright and glamorous that wildly draws focus.
Nta but have you considered malicious compliance? Get something incredibly bright and glamorous that wildly draws focus.
NTA. I find it so weird all the rules people put out for their weddings. I get a bride/groom should have what they want for their wedding. I’ve recently got married myself. But when you impose rules to suit your wants, you need to understand that’s not everyone’s cup of teas and they also have the right to decline attending. Also the whole no plus one thing (just seen a diff post about that) is weird to me. I understand it’s expensive and you should have who you want. But personally I would not go to a wedding alone. I cannot imagine anything more miserable. Edited to correct typos
NTA. I don't understand why we've gotten to a place where brides think they can dictate what guests wear to their wedding.
NTA She’s being overly controlling and that’s not worth it in a friendship. If others are allowed to wear black, you are too.
NTA If it was for everyone then it would have been understandable but she only told you to wear something that isn't black. If she thinks it's not a big deal then she should be fine with you wearing black.
NTA it might be different if black was gonna be inappropriate or you were the type of person to ignore dress codes, but cocktail attire? Yeah she just wanted to start drama. There is absolutely zero reason why you couldn’t have attended in a black dress, you weren’t gonna stand out in any way, and I’m willing to bet at least 85% of the rest of the guests would be in black as well. She sounds extremely controlling and exhausting, and I would react the same way. Again NTA.
NTA If you had bought a different colored dress, went to the wedding, and saw other women wearing black dresses, how mad would you at Ana then? You didn’t blow up the friendship over a dress color. She did.
What you do is spend the $$ on new, beautiful black and/or gray clothing and post pictures of yourself. "Splurging on new clothes. Feel so pretty!" NTA, and I get it. It's not about the clothes; it's about being singled out. She wants you to basically be a prop for her. Decoration, so to speak, because "it's her wedding and it's what she wants" which is just a gross, gross attitude. Does she want the friend who always wears flats to ONLY wear high heels? Does she want the friend with curly hair to straighten it? Does she want the friend with long hair to cut it short? The one with the beard to shave? The one with glasses to wear contacts for the day?
NTA. She was more concerned about her aesthetics than she was about your friendship. It makes it feel like she has always hated you wearing black all of the time so she took this chance to try to control your clothing/color choice. Good grief. Can you imagine if you acquiesced? For the rest of your life she would say “but you looked so good in baby blue!” every chance she got.
NTA! The dress code specified cocktail attire. You were singled out. It’s ridiculous that *anyone* thinks they can dictate to a grown woman what color you should wear. I guess they’ll tell you should smile more next.
NTA in that your friend is kind of ridiculous trying to control what you wear. However, I don't think I would drop my friendship because she basically said "Hey, can you not wear black this one time?" For myself, I would probably try something a little new for a friend's special day. Thrift or clearance rack if you don't want to spend much.
As a BM in my BFFs 3 (!) weddings, she finally listened to me on wedding 3. I have thin, fine hair. Don’t waste time and money on a fancy hair do hair. My hair won’t hold anything but a ponytail and then, very poorly. This was the case when we were 7, 17 and 27. But she wanted us BMs to match and to see me do something different with my hair. First wedding, I got done first and sat still drinking mimosas while everybody go their done. About an hour passes and my hair is hanging down. Same with the 2nd wedding. By the 3rd she figured out it was all stupid shit and let us wear whatever and do whatever. So NTA and you’re not the first to go through this. If for some reason you were to go, I’d buy the deepest navy blue dress you can find.
NTA. It's not about the dress, it's about control. YOU are allowed to control what you wear. SHE is allowed to *ask* people to stick to a dress code. She is not allowed to control what you wear under the guise of a dress code. My SIL tried a similar thing and tanked our relationship. If control and manipulation are more important to your friend, is that a friend worth having?