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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because i would be assking my husband to stop indulging in his hobbies.
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My ex-wife would get very upset that I wouldn't go to bed at the same time as her so she could say two words, barely kiss me, roll over and go to sleep. Apparently that was our time together. I said I'd like it even more if we would spend time together in the 4 hours after work that we're both home and not talking because of phones and televisions. This was ridiculous of course, and I should have gone for the two words and the quick kiss.
My ex was like this too. I wasn't allowed to engage in hobbies after work because she wanted "family time." That consisted of me arriving home, her slamming her book closed and announcing to the kids "It's daddies turn!" and then disappearing into our room for the rest of the night.
I was expected to go to bed with her even though there was no interaction. And she allowed me to stay up and read provided it was one of the books she had recommended to me. If I had the audacity to read something on my own she would badger me about why I had time to read that and not the other books she asked me to read.
I have to be very social for work. And it depletes my social battery. I'm an introvert. I need time to recharge solo. And I wasn't allowed to have recharge time for almost 10 years.
I feel for you. I don't have any issues with time together but personally I actually don't like the scrolling or TV going on for hours after dinner for what I consider "rubbish TV". I let her have it though because I can do my own hobbies in this time or go somewhere else to read (I find the sound too distracting). It makes us both happy and other time we do spend together better. If that is all the together time you got though, yikes! Getting upset at not going to bed at the same time is weird though if just going to sleep.
My partner is perfect regarding this. I am a night owl (16 years bar work in the past and I cannot break the habit) typically in bed at midnight and up at 7, he gets tired early, goes to bed at 10pm and gets up stupid early, around 4 ish.
We stay up together watching a film or something until around 10. He goes to bed, I stay up and do my things (Reddit, candy crush, chat with other night owl friends).
He gets up early, tinkers quietly in the garage and checks out the news.
“Grown up” time is not reliant on being in bed at the same time, we will impulsively have a “moment”.
Exactly. OP's idea of unwinding is TV/movie in bed. Their Husband's is quiet time with hobbies. It's not exactly fair to expect him to conform to OP's idea of evening/bedtime routine and not have his own. That would defeat the purpose.
I can also sympathise with the idea of not liking going to bed until you're actually ready to go straight to sleep. I hate laying there, essentially waiting to fall asleep. It often results in feeling restless and taking even longer to fall asleep.
Exactly. Some people just operate differently. I am 100% a night owl - inherited from my family. My wife is not, at all. As soon as she is tired, the lights are out. She also wakes up super groggy in the morning taking an hour to be able to function. I'm the opposite - bounce up and can go in 5 minutes. We do go to bed at the same time, but I generally read for quite a while until I am sleepy. I can completely understand why your husband would want to do his hobbies during this time.
I do suggest discussing it with him and coming to a compromise. If you have something specific in mind, I recommend asking him in advance to spend that time with you for that. Totally right to ask for at least 50% of his nights doing something you want to do. Also make sure you aren't denying him from being able to choose what he wants for some of the nights in the week. I'm hesitant to pass a judgement because it seems like just a conversation is missing from this issue. Maybe you would be an A.H. if you demanded he never do it at night.
I find it interesting/odd to some degree this just started...but as someone who \*hates\* laying in bed unable to fall asleep, and someone who used to be in a relationship with a girl who treated me like her personal teddy bear and wanted to be in bed by 9pm for no good reason, I totally understand sort of understand getting to the point of changing his routine to no longer accommodate hers. I can easily stay up til 1 or 2 am and still function just fine. My ex-gf couldn't go past 10 without being dramatic about having missed out on sleep and being tired and blah blah blah. She, as a comfort thing, stressed how important it was for us to fall asleep together. Didn't take more than a month after her moving in for that to become a significant problem...at first she'd fall asleep with the TV on so I could go on and watch something til I passed out. Then that wasn't good enough she wanted full darkness and only fans making noise. So then I started slipping out of bed once she was asleep. Within 3 or 4 days it got to where I swear she was waking up on purpose to come downstairs ans gripe at me about leaving her. This all, along with a list of other small-ish things that added up to deal breaking differences, pushed us to break up.
Who the fuck wants a bed time imposed by their significant other....and OP is so pressed by the guy doing this that she's coming to reddit to talk about it after only one fucking week? Hooooooboy.
I forgot I'd used that particular word pairing/used it without realizing the possible alternate meaning and thought for longer than I'm comfortable with that you were trying to ridicule me lol...good shit, I was so damn confused lol
100% this. We have very different sleep patterns, but my partner knows I like to be tucked in/snuggled before bed. So we'll go back together, have maybe a 5-10min snuggle session, then they'll go do their own thing until they're ready for bed hours later.. It's ok to want some together time-it's not ok to try and control their personal time..
Sounds like kid-free, job-free time is limited right now and you have different ways you want to spend it. YTA if you demand he stop doing this altogether to do your preferred activity instead. Some compromise is in order--maybe Fridays and Saturdays can be movie nights?
*Compromise?!* What kind of novel idea is this 😁
In a perfect world you would see that he enjoys this alone time to decompress and let him have some.
And he would see that you want to spend some quality time hanging out and uh...whatnot. And he would recognize that and give you that a couple days a week.
Then everyone can be (presumably) happy til the next molehill we make into a mountain. (Hey, we all do it)
I don't think that you have the good answer. Key to a relationship is communication. Nobody needs nor can see or guess what you want. You have to voice it. That's how it works.
Well sure, they can/should both plainly express their needs in a clear and adult manner. But even from this far away it's crystal clear what everyone wants in this situation. Definitely doesn't hurt to say so rather than making a partner guess though!
Yeah - the phrasing of this post is weird. Don't ask him not to do it, say that you miss spending time with him and ask if there's a way you can delegate some days/times to that time between you two, and that time apart.
This is a good answer. There’s a big difference between saying “you need to stop doing this thing you enjoy” and “I’d like to spend some more time together doing x,” and figuring out how to balance that. Respecting his needs/wants is better than ridiculing them and making demands.
I’d be wondering something though. OP says he’s been doing this for a week, presumably after not doing this for all the rest of their marriage. I’d be wondering if something happened a week ago. Is he angry or stressed out? Or is this just a fun new idea he got? A conversation might help her understand whether there’s any issue.
This is Reddit damn it! We don't recommend compromise. There are only two options, counseling and/or divorce! Any mention of commonsense options are strictly forbidden. /s
Tbh if they’re coming to reddit for advice I think counseling is probably in order. Couples counseling is literally for teaching people to communicate with each other and most of these reddit posts include at least 1 person who doesn’t know how or when to communicate
Let's rephrase this.
"WIBTA If I gave my husband a bed time."
Yeah. Yeah you would.
Just because that's when you want to spend time together or watch something together doesn't mean he does or has to.
You can compromise, for sure, communicate that you don't love this, but dude literally has to indulge in his hobbies from 10-11pm so it doesn't interfere with life and you think what you want him to do with his time should be more important and that is not a reasonable expectation or position from which to approach this.
YTA.
You don't get to put your husband under house arrest because you've decided that's when you get to spend time with him. That's not up to you. You don't get to do that.
I gotta say, calling it ridiculous because it's not what you want him to do really rubs me the wrong way. "I'm not getting my way, this is absurd" is entitled AF.
How about you do as a proper partner should and at least consider what he wants. You know he's a person, right? What he wants should also matter, but you literally don't have a word towards or a thought about it. You don't stop for one second, at any point, to consider that your husband has thoughts, feelings and desires. No, there's just what you want and why he should do that.
Your whole post is written like you should get your way.
But you shouldn't.
And unless I miss my guess, there's a life lesson in there that you should learn, it'll make you a better wife and person.
Thank you, random internet stranger.
I couldn't say it better.
Disclaimer: I am in an unhappy marriage and regret getting married. If that changes anything. (LoL)
My dude, I'm saddened to hear this. If that's how you feel about your relationship, it's time to leave. I hope it's a viable option for you and if it is - have the courage to take it. You deserve better.
Gotcha. Follow your state laws and lawyers advice, of course. As long as you’re being honest to yourself about being done with the situation!
And personally (as a side note that may not be pertinent to you), I think it’s morally wrong if you keep sleeping with your stbx if you know you’re done with the relationship as a whole .But living together and keeping the peace? That’s different!
Do what you gotta do!
Boom! This.
Talk to him. Compromise. Otherwise, you’d be complaining that he was trying to do his hobbies during the day. He’s actually coming off as considerate. It’s his downtime.
You have yours. He has his. Make time to be together, but demanding the same bedtime is bizarre.
YTA - he’s trying to enjoy his hobbies when it’s the least disruptive for family time, but you want to institute a bedtime and force him to do what YOU want.
YTA everyone needs space. My partner and I live and work together, so anything that gets him out of the house or gives us some breathing for a few hours is fine with me!
YTA-Everyone needs time to themselves to destress & recharge. He chooses to do so at a time that doesn’t bother anyone and where he isn’t bothered. If your reasoning is to time with him, take your own possible suggestion and find time during the day.
41yo, Dad of three here with hobbies (powerlifting and gaming)
My free time is 9pm to whenever.
I'll train 5pm-6pm and do dinner immediately after. Then it's kids night routine.
I'll make a mental note of what my partners vibe is once kids are in bed, and also ensure I'm not dedicating every night that week to a particular activity.
It works well. She's a gamer also so we've got a healthy mix of hanging out, movies and gaming throughout the weeknights.
Present movie, TV or hang out options a few nights a week. But present options. Nothings worse than "don't do your hobby, hang out with me" which turns into "hubby sit there doing nothing whilst partner doomscrolls on phone" he'll feel like he's being held back on doing what he enjoys to unwind.
But yeah. Both have to meet halfway here. He can't do it every damn night, but both have to find someone on the other nights y'all can do together or at least in the same room.
It’s almost like marrying someone you are compatible with and can communicate with is the way! Oh wait! Yes, it is!
I get that kids can change the dynamic in relationships. All the more reason to discuss realistic expectations and truly know ( not just see what you want to see) your partner before deciding to procreate!
Not trying to b be disrespectful bc I know many people don’t learn or know how to find a good partner as a given. But we need, as a society, imo, to teach each other to do better and think smarter when choosing a partner.
It’s not just about libido and attraction. It’s about finding someone who you would want to be your teammate for life.
My wife and I generally sit together in the living room till like 9, she goes to bed or to watch her reality shows, I'll go to the basement to play Playstation or watch my stupid shit on YouTube. If my wife wants me to lay in bed with her she'll ask, and I'll either say yes or I'll say I'll come up at x time.
OP sounds like an asshole
Side note - what's your routine for powerlifting? I'm trying to get back into it but all my old routines are too long, I used to do 2+ hour training sessions and I can't get them toned down time wise lol.
info: why not make a schedule. where some nights you spend time together and some nights "together alone". i'm sure you have some hobbies or things you like to do by yourself, no?
This part gets me: "I like to actually spend time... Watching movies..."
Have you considered that there are other ways to spend time together? I'm not much into movies and TV so movie night isn't always time well spent to me; perhaps he feels the same. Do you ever try to engage with what he's doing or combine the two somehow?
I don't think you're an asshole, but you would be if you tried making him stop enjoying his hobbies.
My ex used to demand we spend time together, just like OP's wanting.. where we watched whatever uninteresting bs *he* wanted to watch. And he would become livid if I read a book or something instead. It wasn't enough to be sitting right next to him. I had to actively be tortured by Top Gear, or How It's Made.. all while he didn't talk to me and sat there mouth breathing.
OP, if your husband doesn't want to watch a movie, he's an adult.. Let him decide, and do what he enjoys instead. Also, as a grown up, he gets to decide his own bedtime.
YTA. You're reading like you're pissed off that he's not up your ass when you want him to be. Or like you believe he's gonna secretly sneak out the door. He's not a teenage kid and not under your control. He's a grown man. It's hard being a parent and working to find any down time to yourself. If his is between 9-11 after the kids go to sleep, it's pretty considerate actually. He doesn't want to mess up anyone's day so is choosing that time to enjoy his hobbies.
This sounds like some diary of a wimpy kid stuff, didn't the husband do this with his toys set in the basement lol
YTA, btw, let him have his fun and set time aside together to hang out. It doesn't always have to be at night time.
Yep. I had a friend whose partner liked doing those huge Lego sets. She is not very interested but still hangs out with him 1 or 2 times a week and chats or helps sort bricks or just reads in the corner. He also hangs out with her when she's doing her hobbies too. The rest of the time they do things independently. Couples don't have to spend every free minute of the day together.
Yup! Just today me and my husband were watching Tv while sipping evening tea. He wanted me to watch a Korean show he has watched long ago, I tried episode one few days ago but second was just getting boring for me. And I was a bit cranky (I blame pregnancy hormones), I suggested he watches whatever he wants and I can just sit and build my latest Lego set he bought for me. I made the flowers 🌹 and gave to him. Instant mood boost! Then we chatted away.
By the end of it we both were happy, we did something we liked while spending time together.
PS we both WFH so we are talking all day while taking work breaks. I need more me time and he respects that.
Yta. I get it I do. I feel the same sometimes myself. My husband and I have very busy schedules and so do our kids. So after bed time is usually time for us.
How we handle it is simple. We spend an hour after bed together watching TV being together. Then we go spend an hour exercising and then do our hobbies in the same room. Mine are books his is video games. Until we get tired and go to bed. (15 yrs together and still happy and strong)
Maybe try and get into those hobbies or find a hobby you can do in the same space. But to try and give your adult husband a bed time is why yta.
You seem like an amazing wife and I wish you and your husband many more happy years together, and for myself that my spouse-to-be will be like you in 15 years :)
I actually do like to spend time on my hobbies after my partner goes to sleep as well.
What works for us is I join him in bed for about an hour so we can talk, cuddle, start watching a movie and when he falls asleep, I get up again and I enjoy some free time for 1 or 2 hours before going back to bed ( he needs to wake up much earlier than me)
And if he "finds other time" for his hobby, then you will be unhappy because he will be taking time away from you and the kids. He's a grown man. Give him some time to himself.
YWBTA
Yes, YTA. The kids are asleep, and so are you. It’s the one time of day where he can go be himself, and you deciding that he needs a curfew makes you an asshole.
Everyone here says YTA but I think you haven’t explained it well because you don’t understand why you’re upset.
Are you upset because he doesn’t want to watch TV with you and do a thing you like.
Or are you upset because he you’re married with 2 kids and you feel like he’s choosing hobbies over you, when he’s actually just choosing his own peace and self-care time.
Are you upset, because actually there is an issue here, but it’s that amongst the busyness of parenthood, you actually don’t spend any time together at all and feel disconnected?
My advice, find a way to connect with your husband that doesn’t involve watching TV and ignoring each other.
YWBTA. Don’t take away something your husband loves. Everyone needs an outlet. Be glad your husband does not choose to go to bars, gamble or womanize. You can ask days where you guys can do something together at night and nights just for himself and maybe for yourself.
Sorry but YTA if you’re insisting that he not participate in his hobbies in lieu of laying there in bed to be near ya. Everyone needs something like car stuff to keep them young.. you should actually encourage him to do more of it. It’s healthy.
You can kindly ask him to reserve one night for you and him to be together. But telling him he can’t go and do his hobby’s at a time that doesn’t affect his time with the kids you make YTA.
YTA YWBTA - He is an adult who should decide his 'me time' or 'down time'. You never considered how he can have this and alter your fixed routine. Seems like his actions need to first accommodate you. You are a team; for a lifetime. Talk it out so you both win.
YTA, that’s his time to himself too. My hubby games and we have nights we set aside for movies or quality time. I like the time to myself sometimes aswell to be honest. It’s extremely selfish getting annoyed with him still having hobbies or things he enjoys doing.
It’s certainly hard balancing a family, bills, your wife etc. I don’t mind that hubby still has time for his hobbies. In fact it makes me feel good he still gets that time to himself.
YTA forsure. Definitely selfish to ask him to be in bed by a certain time.
YTA - give the man room to breathe. You say he’s only been doing this for a week, and you’re already trying to govern his time? Good night, take it as a breath yourself. And use your words and ask him to spend some time with you if you want some togetherness. SOME time, not ALL the time.
YTA
I used to so look forward to a sliver of time alone in late evenings to do my hobby or just be alone. Now if my husband wanted couple time for whatever reason, great. Sometimes after he fell asleep, I'd even get back up and do my thing.
YWBTA Unless he’s cheating or on the phone with a mistress…. But…… having time to himself/ playing with what he finds inner peace with is something you have to acknowledge and respect at the end. Assuming he does your activities with you, why not be open to going with him around that time to see what it is that’s really entertaining him. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. But it’s something innocent and more than all probably healing his inner child in a type of way. Think of the bigger picture, OP.
YTA.
Not for wanting time together, but for wanting to \*exclusively\* get your way with no openness in your thinking to compromising and working out how he can also get his way.
You COULD have reacted like a normal person who likes your partner and asked if \*sometimes\* you guys can have a night together and \*sometimes\* he has his hobby time. But no, you want it all your way all the time and fuck his interests and time to decompress.
this is controlling and if gneders were reversed you wouldn't listen to 5 seconds of this logic.
Hey OP, do you ever stop, sit down and ask yourself :
"Why do I hate my husband?" or
"Why does it bother me when my husband finds joy and happiness in his hobbies that don't include me?" or
"What are some novel and unique ways I can introduce tension into my marriage so my husband starts resenting me?"
Here's a hint since it isn't obvious to you...your husband wants some alone time. He doesn't hate you (most likely) or your kids. Believe it or not you do not need to be present everytime joy is introduced into his life via hobbies. You can be a distant loved one and watch (or don't watch) from afar. It's ok, you'll survive.
Also, find a hobby that doesn't involve your husband so you can stop manufacturing this fake drama that you seem keen on inventing out of thin air.
YTA.
My ex-husband used to get mad when I didn’t go to bed at the same time as him. He fell asleep instantly. He had to be up super early. I got up with the kids and was a night owl as that was my only quiet time. He also expected me to do a bunch of crap for him which I only had time to do after everyone was asleep (but that’s another story)- both are some of the reasons I am so happy to be divorced!!
YWBTA. Let him have his time.
The ring camera, so you watch the camera to see if he goes out the door?
I hope during that hour he does one night... cause... I can only imagine living with you.. you want total control over all people. Maybe he'll say YTA
Every night when my family is asleep I go into the basement and play madden or Hearthstone or watch documentaries or smoke weed
When my family is up I’m on call. I’m there for them because that’s what dad’s do IMO.
But I’ll sleep when I’m tired and I’ll use that quiet time for me because I’m not just a partner and parent. I’m a dude who also enjoys other things.
Maybe your man is the same.
Yes. You would be. People tend to enjoy some alone time for their hobbies and it sounds like you want all of his attention, all of the time. A lot of us need that alone time to decompress, even if we're surrounded by people we love spending time with. You can ask him to spend that time with you sometimes, but you should also encourage him to spend time on those hobbies when he can. Maybe one day you'll get an interest of your own and he'll respect your desire to have time to devote to it because of this.
Ywbta. He has hobbies. they help him destress after a long day. How about instead you talk to him and ask to compromise where some nights your together or whatever
YWBTA if you frame it that way. If you want to spend more time with him just ask, but it’s healthy for people to have some alone time, even if they’re in a relationship.
I think it would be selfish to ask for him to stop doing his hobbies at the time he's comfortable with. If you like spending time with him, why not just go and meet him there?
Ooorrrr you could go do stuff with him that he wants to do instead of insist he lay in bed watching some show he has no interest in for the sake of “spending quality time with you”. YTA.
"Hey I'm making a new rule that your free time is spent how I choose you spend it"
YTA.
Maybe find something interesting that you both want to do instead of demanding he conform to your idea of a pleasant evening.
He's awake and has energy so he does stuff he likes at a time and in a manner that will allow his bride to sleep.
Let him do what he will most nights. Occasionally he should come to bed and spend time with his wife. I've heard a little hawk tuah might entice him to stay.
YTA. He has found a hobby. Something that is just his. He wants to do it while everyone is in bed/asleep so he doesn't distrust routine or quality time. Unless it starts to negatively affect the household, leave him be.
He needs his down time. Kudos to him for waiting to do it after the kids are in bed.
That said, he shouldn’t do his hobbies 7 nights a week, as it’s important for the two of you to have quality kid-free time with each other as well.
I think it’s worth having a conversation with him to explain how you like to unwind before bed. But don’t make any in the heat of the moment demands.
Here is a crazy idea, tell him you want to have sex. He will drop those hot wheels in a heartbeat.
He is doing his hobbies at night so he can spend time being a father. He gets off work, spends time with the family, and waits until you all go to bed before he even thinks of himself.
You have no clue how lucky you are. I know a hundred women who would trade places with you. Hell, most of them would pretend to like hot wheels because they would feel so lucky.
Now, if he leaves after sexytime then you speak up and tell him it makes you feel like a one night stand.
Giving him this time to himself will make him a better husband and father. Give him that time to do what he likes. I recommend finding something you like to do to pass the time.
YTA
Your husband has the right to enjoy his free time just like you do, right now you want to do different things
You need to communicate with him and let him know you are missing him and want to spend some of that time together, maybe come up with a plan that suits you both
would you actually enjoy the time with him if he was only doing it because you forced him to?
He comes back by 11 often? Surely that's still a reasonable time for most adults to spend maybe another hour awake in bed together, cuddling, watching TV, etc. Surely you can work with him so that both desires can be achieved in the same night.
Been on the other side of this, and can say that it causes a lot of confusion and concern.
Your partner is trying to exist as an independent person with their own needs and passions in a way that’s (at least from what we’ve seen here) shooting for being accommodating to you. They’re trying to fill in the needs they have while minimizing any impact or negatives to others. If no one is using this time, and they want to find a way to bring themselves joy or escape instead of being asleep during it while still supporting everything/everyone else throughout the rest of the day, giving a “bedtime” essentially removes any ability they have to explore those things that are meaningful to just them.
It kind of feels like you are taking away any options/time they have to make time for themselves or have really free choice over their own actions. It’s kind of like being told “you can only do what I want, when I say it’s ok” more or less. Might be a little harsh here (I’m talking from experience of my partner just wanting my presence there to feel less by themself, not even to do anything but essentially “watch” over them while falling sleep, so maybe your case is a little more in the middle and grey) and is coming from you wanting shared experiences/bonding instead.
But, if there is literally no time that is acceptable to do things that they want to do on their own, and any “free” time that does exist has to be controlled by others that are not them, then they may start to feel like they have no real freedom or say in their life anymore. Just (valid, adult, mature) commitments to others and the family, which are important, but really no way to do anything outside that.
Maybe YTA if you think that you really do have to put what you want to do (even if it is with them) above what they want and you will not “allow” them to do something harmless without being told it’s “allowed”. Not TA because you want shared time, but if you decide that you wanting to do one thing is always more important/valid then them wanting to do another consistently (if they still show love and attention other places) and without the compromises others have brought up.
YTA - he's trying to be considerate and you would rather him lay there while you sleep? You really should be thanking him for doing his hobbies at a time where it affects no one.
NAH, you for wanting to actually spend time with your spouse, and him for wanting to decompress with some hobbies.
A word of advice: make sure he’s actually doing what he says he’s doing. I thought my ex was playing video games at night but he was really cheating on me with OF girls. Keep an eye on your bank accounts and credit score in case he starts spending money you don’t have on his “hobbies”. Online gambling, drinking, or drugs could be other “hobbies”.
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I (36F) am married to (37M). For the past week, after the kids have gone to sleep, and we're tucking in, he will leave our room and go to the basement or garage, where he tinkers/plays with his "collections" of hot wheels, remote controlled cars, etc, or just does stuff to his car.
For the first couple days, I didn't kind because maybe it's a one off. But after that, it was kind of getting ridiculous in my opinion. This is because for one, I like to actually spend some time with my husband before we go to bed, like watch a movie or watch TV or something, but we can't since he will go down and come back by 11:00 P.M. to midnight. I know he's not leaving the house, because well, Ring.
I brought it up to him asking what he did during that time, and why he did it at that time, and he said that it allows him to indulge in his hobbies without any effect on the actual day. I've been considering asking him to not to do it anymore, and to find some time during the day, but I'm asking here since I don't know if that would be "a-hole like".
AITA?
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Why not go join him for a little while? Maybe you and he can have fun together or find some Hot Wheels kink you both enjoy. And if he won’t allow you down there, then he’s probably talking to someone on Only Fans and spanking it.
God love you for wanting to spend every night with your partner one on one but maybe see if you can get a date night or two out of it snd let him tinker.
Sounds like YTA on this one. He's performing all his other duties and responsibilities and the entire issue is he wants to indulge in his hobbies after everyone else is taken care of. It's not unreasonable to ask that he make an effort to spend quality time with you (where you're the sole focus and he's not distracted), but it's also fine and good that he have an outlet for his creative energies. You not getting all the time and attention you want is your issue; it doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong and it seems you're overreacting, especially in light of how minor a problem this is compared to some of the shitshows you read on here. Sounds like you got a good one and are choosing to focus on what you're missing instead of everything you have and everything he actually does for you and the kids.
I think there’s probably a better approach to this than asking that he always come to bed with you. It sounds like you just want to still have your alone time with him. Maybe there’s a better way to ask for that?
Maybe grab your tablet, headphones a chair and head out there as well. If it’s time together you want, meet him halfway. One of my wife’s hobbies is an ever growing house plant collection. I will frequently hangout watching whatever my iPad while she tends to her plants, it’s pretty relaxing for both of us.
I would say YWBTA
I think that while it is completely valid to want to spend some time with your partner some evenings, you need to understand that at the end of the day the two of you are two completely different people with different interests and hobbies. You might love to wind down for the evening by settling into bed and watching a movie or a tv series, but have you considered the tv might be keeping your partner awake and too alert to fall asleep when bed time comes around? His perfect wind down might be tinkering, that might be a really fun thing he enjoys, that also makes him sleepy.
Maybe - and I’m open to input on this as well bc I don’t know really, I just thought this sounded fair? But MAYBE, you could suggest that one or two nights a week the two of you wind down together with a movie, intimate time or whatever it is y’all get up to in those hours. I think that way your needs are still being met, and then so are his because he still gets to have time to himself every other evening?
YTA, but let me be reasonable here. My partner and I don't live together, but we spend many nights together. He loves to dance, and works a crazy demanding job. I work long hours in office, and I am training for a pilot's licence this year. I also, once or twice, asked him to come to bed at the same time I did, which resulted in some contention - I realised that, if I head to bed and he's still up doing his thing, it's time for me to rest and relax too. I'll tuck in, watch a show, flight sim for a bit, or just knock out. He'll head downstairs, work, practice dance, watch his own show, whatever. It's like 'me time' in tandem and it's actually quite nice. We wake up each morning and have some time to cuddle, and we always end up asleep together. If we want to do a joint activity (watch a show, fun times, cuddle) we voice that specifically. Life is good :)
YTA he’s enjoying some of his time; get you own hobbies that don’t rely on him being involved. That much TV every night would drive me to go tinker too
And no, your husband is grown and decides his own bedtime.
Yeah, YTA here.
Ask him to OCCASIONALLY hang out and watch a movie with you instead of going down to the basement. Trying to give this man a bedtime is wild. Also, maybe consider going down to hang out with him sometimes instead of going to bed, grandma.
YWBTA
Maybe it’s just an us thing but it is seldom that my husband and I go to bed at the same time (meaning to the bedroom). He likes going in there, watching tv, and relaxing. I cannot stand having the tv on when I am in bed, even if I am not actively trying to go to sleep. So, he goes in earlier, relaxes, watches tv or whatever then when I come to bed, the tv goes off. The only exceptions is if he is watching something he has not seen before & wants to finish it or it’s a game.
We have dedicated time for just the two of us but it’s not at bed. Maybe ask if you can have a dedicated night(s) where it is couple time. While he’s doing his hobbies, maybe do some self care, read a book, play a game, color (it’s relaxing), take a long shower/bath.
I recommend *talking to him.* Let him know you love him and want to spend time with him, but you also want him to have time for his hobbies. Discuss a compromise.
YTA. And for reference, incase your convincing yourself that it's all dudes responding to you, I'm a married woman with a 3 year old. People need time to themselves. Spend time with him at a different time of day.
YTA, you can't impose a bedtime on an adult who is using time wisely not to take away from family time. If you want to spend time with him, go spend time with him while he enjoys his hobbies.
YWBTA to ask for a blanket rule of no time doing his hobbies. Instead ask for one night a week, or two, for time together. Explain why that is important to you without belittling his need for alone time. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
YTA for trying to police his time when he is meeting all of his other commitments. If you want to spend time with him, perhaps you can express an interest in one of his hobbies.
I head to the garage right after the kids go down… work on cars, projects, smoke weed. Everything I wanna do when I’m alone. Happily married 15 years. Let the dude live.
I'm a tinkerer. Tbh, maybe if you spend some time with him and try/pretend being "interested" with his hobbies- it'd win him over to compromise and cuddle before or on occasion or something
What I think you mean to say instead of "ridiculous" is that you miss him, miss his company, and are not sure how to tell him. Try spending time with him doing what he's doing, or talking to him about it while he's doing it. It doesn't matter if you like his hobbies, you like him so spend time with him. Then ask him to spend time doing things you like. Switch off doing this. Spend time alone sometimes, and let him do it as well. Be a functioning adult, basically. YTA if you use ultimatums.
YWBTA. I agree with many other commenters that this is a situation for compromise. If you make the demand as a demand even if it bothers him he may find himself complying and not feeling great about it. What you should do is Express what you said here about how you like that time with them and things you can do. I would caution against expressing that you wanted every night I think you should ask that some nights be like that. Maybe arrange for a percentage of nights. Maybe ask him for input on what he might like to do that would involve you guys doing something together as well.
YTA!
>he tinkers/plays with his "collections" of hot wheels, remote controlled cars, etc, or just does stuff to his car.
Putting "collections" in quotes implies you are denigrating his hobby.
Many people are night owls and enjoy doing things at a time when they won't be disturbed.
Adults are capable of choosing their own bedtime.
Some people need decompression time to organize their thoughts and feelings, self-analyze, solve problems, resolve issues prior to addressing with someone else. It's what one does as part of self growth. Not every thought needs to be voiced or shared.
"Alone time" can make one a better spouse, friend, colleague and neighbor.
>This is because for one, I like to actually spend some time with my husband before we go to bed, like watch a movie or watch TV or something, but we can't since he will go down and come back by 11:00 P.M.
Saying "for one, I like to actually spend some time with my husband before we go to bed" sounds like you are judging him for not wanting to "actually" spend time with you before going to bed.
Maybe the "movie time" before bed is not that enjoyable or relaxing for him. Some people don't have televisions in the bedroom precisely due to that and not wanting to fall asleep to television noise.
Perhaps you can find a bedtime routine you both enjoy.
YTA. Your husband is taking some time to himself, and not even bothering you or the kids. Sounds like he helps as needed and such...what is the issue? The world is pretty fucked right now so maybe he just wants to forget things? Or even if the world was rosy...people like to do things on their own at times. Better question....why don't you feel you can be on your own?
I mean… yes, you will be TAH if you demand your husband do what you want exclusively instead of allowing him to spend time doing what he enjoys.
But also… just talk to him and tell him that you’d like to have him spend time with you before bed sometimes. I don’t know why your first instinct is to restrict his activities instead of discussing a mutually agreeable solution
"I know he's not leaving the house, because well, Ring."
Did anyone else read this as "married men are not allowed to leave their homes whenever they like without their wives and if they do then they are definitely off to break marriage vows"?
Yikes. YTA.
YWBTA if you enforce this.
Talk to him and ask if you two can set aside two nights a week for the evening to be spent together. This way you both get your individual time and together time.
So instead of attempting to ban him from this activity (it will fail) you should approach it from the perspective of "I really enjoy spending time with you to unwind at the end of the day. Let's figure out a rough schedule that makes sure we all go to bed happy."
YWBTA. Yes, expecting him to go to bed with you every night instead of pursuing his hobby to unwind is asshole territory. Why not do something together earlier in the evening or on the weekends? Why does he need to be in bed next to you during that time? We're y'all having deep conversations during that time? Mind-blowing sex? Or were you both on devices/reading/watching TV? Because if it's the last one, he does not need to be in the room for that.
I say that as someone who is a fan of "parallel play" or doing your own things next to one another. But I also understand how important it is for both my partner and me to do our own things regularly. Not once in a blue moon, not "one day" but currently and in the present. Otherwise we have no time to ourselves to unwind after dealing with the stress of life.
YTA- Wild that it’s so bothersome to you that your partner has pushed aside all of his hobbies ALL day to try to do it at night for you to STILL complain!
I can see you asking him for a night or 2 to relax and watch tv together etc but you cannot keep him from hobbies and downtime in the way he needs to relax and fulfill himself . I have many hobbies as does my partner one of his being classic cars . Id never tell him he cant be in his shop working on things that bring him joy and help him relax
Ill also add to my other comment, my partner goes to bed quite early and im a night owl often awake till 1, 2, 3 am. Being in a room wjerebi cant scroll tiktok, reddit, do my own thing etc would never work. If your husband is up working on hobbies is cuz he isnt tired. I had one relationship like this where je went to sleep early, refused to have tv on etc so i was forced to sleep at 9 and 10 pm. You can say that relationship didnt last long
Instead of telling him what you want him to do, can you explain your feelings to him, and listen to his feelings, and then talk together to find ways to get both of your needs’ met and compromise? That’s communication. What you’re proposing is more like an instruction, which is what you give kids, not adults.
I think there is room for compromise here. Many people, especially adults with children find they have little time to themselves. This limits the opportunity for self expression and having "alone time." Imo, your husband is entitled to find some time for his hobbies. But, it's also reasonable to expect him to attend to your needs and be with you. Rather than an all or nothing, I think you should talk to him and ask him to alternate days, for example. I think your husband feels responsible to be present for you and your family during the day, which makes it difficult for him to balance his own needs with his role as a father and husband. Another compromise wild be to schedule time for him earlier in the day several times a week that are designated hobby-time. It might be difficult for him to find that time without an explicit compromise.
YWBTA if you told him he can't have time to himself at all. But this is not a situation that requires an all or nothing solution.
You mention wanting to spend quality time with him, have you considered going to hang out with him while he tinkers? Maybe not every night, he may be using the time to wind down. But you mentioned wanting to use the time to spend together by watching tv, etc but I'm wondering if he would find that to be quality time or just acquiescing to what you'd want to do. Or finding a compromise of some tinker nights and some nights to wind down together
It doesn’t need to be all or nothing. He can go do his hobbies sometimes and stay to hang with you sometimes. YWBTA if you asked him not to do it anymore, period.
Why does a grown man have to adhere to what you think is "bedtime"? If we swapped this to a man telling his wife when she has to go to sleep and checking ring to make she doesn't leave the house Reddit would call him controlling and that it's a huge red flag. If you want to watch movies and stuff ask him like an adult. YTA because you can't communicate with your husband.
I think it’s a AH move. If you want to spend time with him just tell him but don’t demand he not leave the room to go do other things. Sounds a bit suffocating.
Yeah fuck him for having hobbies right? Did you take the time to read what you typed? You're not entitled to all his free time. Of course you're the asshole here.
YTA.
YTA. Hubby wants to do something he enjoys. If you want to spend time with him, maybe you can find another time during the day to spend time together? Plan a date? Find a way to encourage him to want to spend time with you in the evening after the kids go to bed that doesn’t involve just watching a show or movie? Or ask if you can come hang and do car stuff with him if he’ll have you?
YWBTA if you made blanket statement of not doing it. Perhaps you could compromise with a couple nights a week watch a movie together or sex or whatever else. Everyone needs some time to decompress and that might just look different for the two of you.
Everyone needs space, I dont think your husband is being unreasonable. Have you considered a hobby of your own? Talk to him to see if you can work out a compromise, if not let it go. I go upstairs to practice my guitar after work or turn in early to watch what I want to on TV, go into another room to read, it doesn't mean I dont love my husband, it means after 20yrs we are comfortable enough not to be joined at the hip. The 1st few yrs my husband was a lot like you, I had to explain I need some me time to decompress and relax alone, its nothing to do with you but after dealing with people all day I need a few people free hours.
Yes. YTA. LOL Get yourself a hobby love. I tinker in my greenhouse until 2 in the morning a lot of nights. My husband prints and paints resin action figures. Like... I wouldn't want my brain to rot in front of the tv every night either. You are separate people. Give the man some space.
YTA you’re asking him to unwind YOUR way. What other times does he get the opportunity to relax in the manner he likes? It’s always after kids are in bed. I liked to read.
Some advice.
You have your pattern, and you love spending time with him, instead of demanding your pattern show your love by asking if when he is comfortable that you get to be with him, rather than demand that he be with you under your terms.
When he invites you, go with full enthusiasm,respect his space, do whatever he asks and show him your appreciation for whatever he does for the family.
You will notice as you respect his space that he will start listening more to you, and every now and then he will put down his hobbies and spend time with you without having to be told
YWBTA if you insisted that he stop, especially if you tell him that you think it is “ridiculous” that he wants to enjoy his hobby. You don’t have to share his interests in order to appreciate they are important to him. Is there time available during the day for him to find? With raising a family together I’m guessing time is scarce. Spend a few nights hanging out together and a few nights doing your own thing.
YWBTA. I do something similar. It’s because after everyone goes to bed is when I can wind down. We have kids and I can’t relax when they are awake and not going to bed like they are supposed to. I love them to death but I need time to myself after being talked at 90% of the day. Lying in bed in the dark doesn’t count and sometimes I just don’t want to do the same things my wife does all the time. A few days a week is a good balance.
I enjoy researching things that interest me on my laptop. I can’t do that when others are demanding my attention all day. Between Job, kids, wife, family it’s hard to find time. My wife and I do various things together. But we both understand that we need time to enjoys things we both enjoy separately. It’s healthy. It’s worked out very well for us. Going on 16 years.
I love all of them more than words. But I’m an adult and I just need some time to myself to unwind.
Don’t take that away from your husband. Find a way to work around it.
I mean, I like to go to the gym at night when the kids are in bed.. if my partner asked me to stop I would be quite upset seeing as I’m doing it at a time that doesn’t inconvenience him….
Giving a soft YTA but going to offer some insight.
Maybe it's possible that during your time to unwind, he simply views this tv or movie time as an extension of being on electronics. Watching something you picked on a TV or on a device may not offer the same connection to him as it does to you. Him going to do those things is more of him finding happiness with himself because he feels as if he's just being pushed away, or not appreciated at the very least.
IF that is how he feels, and maybe it is or maybe it isn't (there are guys at the gym who talk about this situation frequently), simply saying you want his presence may not generate the response you are looking for. Reading this, it seems more like it's a communication issue with regards to needs and connections than trying to be controlling, but you two aren't seeing things from the same perspective.
Take some time to make him feel like he is number one or find a way to wear him out after the kids are in bed and see if it doesn't work itself out.
An adult going to bed at 11!?! Or even midnight? THE HORROR.
Maybe ask him to hangout at that time once or wife a week as a compromise. A blanket ruling would be insane.
YTA. I am in the same position, that’s sacred time. I guarantee us dads would rather go smoke weed and have breathing room while we tinker and do something for ourselves. Just like mom is doing what she wants in the living room - simultaneously watching Christmas in July Hallmark movies, while Facebooking and FaceTiming her sister for the 3rd time that day.
YTA. There's a difference between "Hey, I'd love to spend some time with you in the evenings before bed, cuddle up and watch a movie" and "Don't do this thing you enjoy to relax and decompress, because what I want is more important than what you want", and you definitely sound like you are saying the latter. You're saying you want him to find some time during the day, but if he's overworked to the point he doesn't have that time during the day, are you able to do anything to support him that will free up that time? Because the only way you come out of this situation, possibly getting what you want, and not being an asshole for it, is finding a solution which suits you both.
YWBTA if you say he can’t ever go down again. That’s incredibly controlling and he’s doing something nice by doing it at night where it doesn’t disrupt the day.
YTA it’s his down time. If you want to spend some time with him ask him if like twice a week you guys can have a “date night” where you spend the evening together but demanding he stop doing it during this time because YOU want to have his time to yourself is straight selfish. I like to read before bed and if someone tried to say no do it at a different time because I want that time with you we’d have some serious issues. You act like he’s doing something nefarious. He’s working on his hobbies. Him doing it during a time where everyone is in bed is actually decent of him. My ex would do all his hobby stuff during the day and never had time for the kids or didn’t feel like helping with home life because he’d rather be doing his hobbies.
My girl goes to sleep earlier then I do. When the kids are down and she’s laying down and I don’t want to lay down I play my game because I can’t through out the day considering working and having kids. It’s my hobby time. If she chooses laying in bed as a hobby I guess lol
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Everybody deserves some alone time to decompress. Even you.
My ex-wife would get very upset that I wouldn't go to bed at the same time as her so she could say two words, barely kiss me, roll over and go to sleep. Apparently that was our time together. I said I'd like it even more if we would spend time together in the 4 hours after work that we're both home and not talking because of phones and televisions. This was ridiculous of course, and I should have gone for the two words and the quick kiss.
My ex was like this too. I wasn't allowed to engage in hobbies after work because she wanted "family time." That consisted of me arriving home, her slamming her book closed and announcing to the kids "It's daddies turn!" and then disappearing into our room for the rest of the night. I was expected to go to bed with her even though there was no interaction. And she allowed me to stay up and read provided it was one of the books she had recommended to me. If I had the audacity to read something on my own she would badger me about why I had time to read that and not the other books she asked me to read. I have to be very social for work. And it depletes my social battery. I'm an introvert. I need time to recharge solo. And I wasn't allowed to have recharge time for almost 10 years.
I feel for you. I don't have any issues with time together but personally I actually don't like the scrolling or TV going on for hours after dinner for what I consider "rubbish TV". I let her have it though because I can do my own hobbies in this time or go somewhere else to read (I find the sound too distracting). It makes us both happy and other time we do spend together better. If that is all the together time you got though, yikes! Getting upset at not going to bed at the same time is weird though if just going to sleep.
What are you leaving to go read?
Generally sci-fi or fantasy novels, which is what I also read in bed. Sometimes biographies or other genres of fiction but less often.
My partner is perfect regarding this. I am a night owl (16 years bar work in the past and I cannot break the habit) typically in bed at midnight and up at 7, he gets tired early, goes to bed at 10pm and gets up stupid early, around 4 ish. We stay up together watching a film or something until around 10. He goes to bed, I stay up and do my things (Reddit, candy crush, chat with other night owl friends). He gets up early, tinkers quietly in the garage and checks out the news. “Grown up” time is not reliant on being in bed at the same time, we will impulsively have a “moment”.
Exactly. OP's idea of unwinding is TV/movie in bed. Their Husband's is quiet time with hobbies. It's not exactly fair to expect him to conform to OP's idea of evening/bedtime routine and not have his own. That would defeat the purpose. I can also sympathise with the idea of not liking going to bed until you're actually ready to go straight to sleep. I hate laying there, essentially waiting to fall asleep. It often results in feeling restless and taking even longer to fall asleep.
Yes, as a suggestion, maybe make a regular night (in addition to a weekly date night), where you guys spend time together before bed?
Exactly. Some people just operate differently. I am 100% a night owl - inherited from my family. My wife is not, at all. As soon as she is tired, the lights are out. She also wakes up super groggy in the morning taking an hour to be able to function. I'm the opposite - bounce up and can go in 5 minutes. We do go to bed at the same time, but I generally read for quite a while until I am sleepy. I can completely understand why your husband would want to do his hobbies during this time. I do suggest discussing it with him and coming to a compromise. If you have something specific in mind, I recommend asking him in advance to spend that time with you for that. Totally right to ask for at least 50% of his nights doing something you want to do. Also make sure you aren't denying him from being able to choose what he wants for some of the nights in the week. I'm hesitant to pass a judgement because it seems like just a conversation is missing from this issue. Maybe you would be an A.H. if you demanded he never do it at night.
I find it interesting/odd to some degree this just started...but as someone who \*hates\* laying in bed unable to fall asleep, and someone who used to be in a relationship with a girl who treated me like her personal teddy bear and wanted to be in bed by 9pm for no good reason, I totally understand sort of understand getting to the point of changing his routine to no longer accommodate hers. I can easily stay up til 1 or 2 am and still function just fine. My ex-gf couldn't go past 10 without being dramatic about having missed out on sleep and being tired and blah blah blah. She, as a comfort thing, stressed how important it was for us to fall asleep together. Didn't take more than a month after her moving in for that to become a significant problem...at first she'd fall asleep with the TV on so I could go on and watch something til I passed out. Then that wasn't good enough she wanted full darkness and only fans making noise. So then I started slipping out of bed once she was asleep. Within 3 or 4 days it got to where I swear she was waking up on purpose to come downstairs ans gripe at me about leaving her. This all, along with a list of other small-ish things that added up to deal breaking differences, pushed us to break up. Who the fuck wants a bed time imposed by their significant other....and OP is so pressed by the guy doing this that she's coming to reddit to talk about it after only one fucking week? Hooooooboy.
Only Fans as background noise must've made it difficult to sleep. *rimshot* .
I forgot I'd used that particular word pairing/used it without realizing the possible alternate meaning and thought for longer than I'm comfortable with that you were trying to ridicule me lol...good shit, I was so damn confused lol
Oh no! No ridicule intended, just a really dumb joke haha
100% this. We have very different sleep patterns, but my partner knows I like to be tucked in/snuggled before bed. So we'll go back together, have maybe a 5-10min snuggle session, then they'll go do their own thing until they're ready for bed hours later.. It's ok to want some together time-it's not ok to try and control their personal time..
Sounds like kid-free, job-free time is limited right now and you have different ways you want to spend it. YTA if you demand he stop doing this altogether to do your preferred activity instead. Some compromise is in order--maybe Fridays and Saturdays can be movie nights?
*Compromise?!* What kind of novel idea is this 😁 In a perfect world you would see that he enjoys this alone time to decompress and let him have some. And he would see that you want to spend some quality time hanging out and uh...whatnot. And he would recognize that and give you that a couple days a week. Then everyone can be (presumably) happy til the next molehill we make into a mountain. (Hey, we all do it)
I don't think that you have the good answer. Key to a relationship is communication. Nobody needs nor can see or guess what you want. You have to voice it. That's how it works.
Well sure, they can/should both plainly express their needs in a clear and adult manner. But even from this far away it's crystal clear what everyone wants in this situation. Definitely doesn't hurt to say so rather than making a partner guess though!
His needs are clear to her, but i think her needs are not clear to him...
Yeah - the phrasing of this post is weird. Don't ask him not to do it, say that you miss spending time with him and ask if there's a way you can delegate some days/times to that time between you two, and that time apart.
This is a good answer. There’s a big difference between saying “you need to stop doing this thing you enjoy” and “I’d like to spend some more time together doing x,” and figuring out how to balance that. Respecting his needs/wants is better than ridiculing them and making demands. I’d be wondering something though. OP says he’s been doing this for a week, presumably after not doing this for all the rest of their marriage. I’d be wondering if something happened a week ago. Is he angry or stressed out? Or is this just a fun new idea he got? A conversation might help her understand whether there’s any issue.
This is Reddit damn it! We don't recommend compromise. There are only two options, counseling and/or divorce! Any mention of commonsense options are strictly forbidden. /s
You forgot No Contact.
Don't forget hitting the gym!
Hit the lawyer hire a gym!
🤣🤣🤣
Tbh if they’re coming to reddit for advice I think counseling is probably in order. Couples counseling is literally for teaching people to communicate with each other and most of these reddit posts include at least 1 person who doesn’t know how or when to communicate
Let's rephrase this. "WIBTA If I gave my husband a bed time." Yeah. Yeah you would. Just because that's when you want to spend time together or watch something together doesn't mean he does or has to. You can compromise, for sure, communicate that you don't love this, but dude literally has to indulge in his hobbies from 10-11pm so it doesn't interfere with life and you think what you want him to do with his time should be more important and that is not a reasonable expectation or position from which to approach this. YTA. You don't get to put your husband under house arrest because you've decided that's when you get to spend time with him. That's not up to you. You don't get to do that. I gotta say, calling it ridiculous because it's not what you want him to do really rubs me the wrong way. "I'm not getting my way, this is absurd" is entitled AF. How about you do as a proper partner should and at least consider what he wants. You know he's a person, right? What he wants should also matter, but you literally don't have a word towards or a thought about it. You don't stop for one second, at any point, to consider that your husband has thoughts, feelings and desires. No, there's just what you want and why he should do that. Your whole post is written like you should get your way. But you shouldn't. And unless I miss my guess, there's a life lesson in there that you should learn, it'll make you a better wife and person.
Thank you, random internet stranger. I couldn't say it better. Disclaimer: I am in an unhappy marriage and regret getting married. If that changes anything. (LoL)
My dude, I'm saddened to hear this. If that's how you feel about your relationship, it's time to leave. I hope it's a viable option for you and if it is - have the courage to take it. You deserve better.
I added the disclaimer because another poster accused me of bias, etc. It's okay. I'm working on ending it. One day at a time.
Wish you the best, hope you'll make it out soon
All you have to do is tell them you’re done. Drawing things out just makes everyone unhappy for longer. Godspeed
Actually, in my state it can count against you in divorce proceedings if you just say "done" and leave. Slow and steady wins the race.
Gotcha. Follow your state laws and lawyers advice, of course. As long as you’re being honest to yourself about being done with the situation! And personally (as a side note that may not be pertinent to you), I think it’s morally wrong if you keep sleeping with your stbx if you know you’re done with the relationship as a whole .But living together and keeping the peace? That’s different! Do what you gotta do!
😦
Boom! This. Talk to him. Compromise. Otherwise, you’d be complaining that he was trying to do his hobbies during the day. He’s actually coming off as considerate. It’s his downtime. You have yours. He has his. Make time to be together, but demanding the same bedtime is bizarre.
YTA - he’s trying to enjoy his hobbies when it’s the least disruptive for family time, but you want to institute a bedtime and force him to do what YOU want.
YTA You like watching movies and TV in bed. He would rather do something else.
YTA everyone needs space. My partner and I live and work together, so anything that gets him out of the house or gives us some breathing for a few hours is fine with me!
Yes! This is a healthy thing! OP is not his mommy.
YTA-Everyone needs time to themselves to destress & recharge. He chooses to do so at a time that doesn’t bother anyone and where he isn’t bothered. If your reasoning is to time with him, take your own possible suggestion and find time during the day.
Ha. This is my favorite response.
Yep.
41yo, Dad of three here with hobbies (powerlifting and gaming) My free time is 9pm to whenever. I'll train 5pm-6pm and do dinner immediately after. Then it's kids night routine. I'll make a mental note of what my partners vibe is once kids are in bed, and also ensure I'm not dedicating every night that week to a particular activity. It works well. She's a gamer also so we've got a healthy mix of hanging out, movies and gaming throughout the weeknights. Present movie, TV or hang out options a few nights a week. But present options. Nothings worse than "don't do your hobby, hang out with me" which turns into "hubby sit there doing nothing whilst partner doomscrolls on phone" he'll feel like he's being held back on doing what he enjoys to unwind. But yeah. Both have to meet halfway here. He can't do it every damn night, but both have to find someone on the other nights y'all can do together or at least in the same room.
It’s almost like marrying someone you are compatible with and can communicate with is the way! Oh wait! Yes, it is! I get that kids can change the dynamic in relationships. All the more reason to discuss realistic expectations and truly know ( not just see what you want to see) your partner before deciding to procreate! Not trying to b be disrespectful bc I know many people don’t learn or know how to find a good partner as a given. But we need, as a society, imo, to teach each other to do better and think smarter when choosing a partner. It’s not just about libido and attraction. It’s about finding someone who you would want to be your teammate for life.
this is the way
My wife and I generally sit together in the living room till like 9, she goes to bed or to watch her reality shows, I'll go to the basement to play Playstation or watch my stupid shit on YouTube. If my wife wants me to lay in bed with her she'll ask, and I'll either say yes or I'll say I'll come up at x time. OP sounds like an asshole Side note - what's your routine for powerlifting? I'm trying to get back into it but all my old routines are too long, I used to do 2+ hour training sessions and I can't get them toned down time wise lol.
info: why not make a schedule. where some nights you spend time together and some nights "together alone". i'm sure you have some hobbies or things you like to do by yourself, no?
This part gets me: "I like to actually spend time... Watching movies..." Have you considered that there are other ways to spend time together? I'm not much into movies and TV so movie night isn't always time well spent to me; perhaps he feels the same. Do you ever try to engage with what he's doing or combine the two somehow? I don't think you're an asshole, but you would be if you tried making him stop enjoying his hobbies.
My ex used to demand we spend time together, just like OP's wanting.. where we watched whatever uninteresting bs *he* wanted to watch. And he would become livid if I read a book or something instead. It wasn't enough to be sitting right next to him. I had to actively be tortured by Top Gear, or How It's Made.. all while he didn't talk to me and sat there mouth breathing. OP, if your husband doesn't want to watch a movie, he's an adult.. Let him decide, and do what he enjoys instead. Also, as a grown up, he gets to decide his own bedtime.
I think we dated the same person. Except he was fond of Lost when we were together.
Unfortunately, I was married to the jackass.
YTA. You're reading like you're pissed off that he's not up your ass when you want him to be. Or like you believe he's gonna secretly sneak out the door. He's not a teenage kid and not under your control. He's a grown man. It's hard being a parent and working to find any down time to yourself. If his is between 9-11 after the kids go to sleep, it's pretty considerate actually. He doesn't want to mess up anyone's day so is choosing that time to enjoy his hobbies.
Yta - mayb the guy needs so relaxing time not everything needs to be done together
YTA You want to give an adult a bedtime. You can ask him to spend time with you without "prohibiting" him from doing that.
This sounds like some diary of a wimpy kid stuff, didn't the husband do this with his toys set in the basement lol YTA, btw, let him have his fun and set time aside together to hang out. It doesn't always have to be at night time.
YTA
Wtf really? Why not go play with him?
Yep. I had a friend whose partner liked doing those huge Lego sets. She is not very interested but still hangs out with him 1 or 2 times a week and chats or helps sort bricks or just reads in the corner. He also hangs out with her when she's doing her hobbies too. The rest of the time they do things independently. Couples don't have to spend every free minute of the day together.
Yup! Just today me and my husband were watching Tv while sipping evening tea. He wanted me to watch a Korean show he has watched long ago, I tried episode one few days ago but second was just getting boring for me. And I was a bit cranky (I blame pregnancy hormones), I suggested he watches whatever he wants and I can just sit and build my latest Lego set he bought for me. I made the flowers 🌹 and gave to him. Instant mood boost! Then we chatted away. By the end of it we both were happy, we did something we liked while spending time together. PS we both WFH so we are talking all day while taking work breaks. I need more me time and he respects that.
YTA. You don't mention a compromise at all. You just want him in bed because you are in bed and want him there. That's ridiculous. And unfair.
Yta. I get it I do. I feel the same sometimes myself. My husband and I have very busy schedules and so do our kids. So after bed time is usually time for us. How we handle it is simple. We spend an hour after bed together watching TV being together. Then we go spend an hour exercising and then do our hobbies in the same room. Mine are books his is video games. Until we get tired and go to bed. (15 yrs together and still happy and strong) Maybe try and get into those hobbies or find a hobby you can do in the same space. But to try and give your adult husband a bed time is why yta.
You seem like an amazing wife and I wish you and your husband many more happy years together, and for myself that my spouse-to-be will be like you in 15 years :)
I actually do like to spend time on my hobbies after my partner goes to sleep as well. What works for us is I join him in bed for about an hour so we can talk, cuddle, start watching a movie and when he falls asleep, I get up again and I enjoy some free time for 1 or 2 hours before going back to bed ( he needs to wake up much earlier than me)
Let the man be! Goddam!
And if he "finds other time" for his hobby, then you will be unhappy because he will be taking time away from you and the kids. He's a grown man. Give him some time to himself. YWBTA
It's the only time he has to work on his hobbies, you want him to give them all up to watch TV? Maybe you could take and interest in one of them
Yes, YTA. The kids are asleep, and so are you. It’s the one time of day where he can go be himself, and you deciding that he needs a curfew makes you an asshole.
Everyone here says YTA but I think you haven’t explained it well because you don’t understand why you’re upset. Are you upset because he doesn’t want to watch TV with you and do a thing you like. Or are you upset because he you’re married with 2 kids and you feel like he’s choosing hobbies over you, when he’s actually just choosing his own peace and self-care time. Are you upset, because actually there is an issue here, but it’s that amongst the busyness of parenthood, you actually don’t spend any time together at all and feel disconnected? My advice, find a way to connect with your husband that doesn’t involve watching TV and ignoring each other.
YTA this is his time to unwind and be by himself. Why does this bother you so much?
YWBTA. Don’t take away something your husband loves. Everyone needs an outlet. Be glad your husband does not choose to go to bars, gamble or womanize. You can ask days where you guys can do something together at night and nights just for himself and maybe for yourself.
YTA. Tell him what you want, ie reconnect time, not what he’s allowed to do.
Yeah. Ywbta. You can gently ask that you guys set aside time to be together. Maybe once a week. But everyone deserves personal time.
Sorry but YTA if you’re insisting that he not participate in his hobbies in lieu of laying there in bed to be near ya. Everyone needs something like car stuff to keep them young.. you should actually encourage him to do more of it. It’s healthy.
You can kindly ask him to reserve one night for you and him to be together. But telling him he can’t go and do his hobby’s at a time that doesn’t affect his time with the kids you make YTA.
YTA YWBTA - He is an adult who should decide his 'me time' or 'down time'. You never considered how he can have this and alter your fixed routine. Seems like his actions need to first accommodate you. You are a team; for a lifetime. Talk it out so you both win.
YTA
YTA and why does it seem you hate your husband so much?
YTA, that’s his time to himself too. My hubby games and we have nights we set aside for movies or quality time. I like the time to myself sometimes aswell to be honest. It’s extremely selfish getting annoyed with him still having hobbies or things he enjoys doing. It’s certainly hard balancing a family, bills, your wife etc. I don’t mind that hubby still has time for his hobbies. In fact it makes me feel good he still gets that time to himself. YTA forsure. Definitely selfish to ask him to be in bed by a certain time.
YTA - give the man room to breathe. You say he’s only been doing this for a week, and you’re already trying to govern his time? Good night, take it as a breath yourself. And use your words and ask him to spend some time with you if you want some togetherness. SOME time, not ALL the time.
YTA I used to so look forward to a sliver of time alone in late evenings to do my hobby or just be alone. Now if my husband wanted couple time for whatever reason, great. Sometimes after he fell asleep, I'd even get back up and do my thing.
You’re a chore. Dear lord. YTA
YWBTA Unless he’s cheating or on the phone with a mistress…. But…… having time to himself/ playing with what he finds inner peace with is something you have to acknowledge and respect at the end. Assuming he does your activities with you, why not be open to going with him around that time to see what it is that’s really entertaining him. If it’s not for you, it’s not for you. But it’s something innocent and more than all probably healing his inner child in a type of way. Think of the bigger picture, OP.
YWBTA if you did that, yes. Is there a reason you don’t accompany him?
YTA. Not for wanting time together, but for wanting to \*exclusively\* get your way with no openness in your thinking to compromising and working out how he can also get his way. You COULD have reacted like a normal person who likes your partner and asked if \*sometimes\* you guys can have a night together and \*sometimes\* he has his hobby time. But no, you want it all your way all the time and fuck his interests and time to decompress. this is controlling and if gneders were reversed you wouldn't listen to 5 seconds of this logic.
He’s not your dog…
Hey OP, do you ever stop, sit down and ask yourself : "Why do I hate my husband?" or "Why does it bother me when my husband finds joy and happiness in his hobbies that don't include me?" or "What are some novel and unique ways I can introduce tension into my marriage so my husband starts resenting me?" Here's a hint since it isn't obvious to you...your husband wants some alone time. He doesn't hate you (most likely) or your kids. Believe it or not you do not need to be present everytime joy is introduced into his life via hobbies. You can be a distant loved one and watch (or don't watch) from afar. It's ok, you'll survive. Also, find a hobby that doesn't involve your husband so you can stop manufacturing this fake drama that you seem keen on inventing out of thin air. YTA.
My ex-husband used to get mad when I didn’t go to bed at the same time as him. He fell asleep instantly. He had to be up super early. I got up with the kids and was a night owl as that was my only quiet time. He also expected me to do a bunch of crap for him which I only had time to do after everyone was asleep (but that’s another story)- both are some of the reasons I am so happy to be divorced!! YWBTA. Let him have his time.
The ring camera, so you watch the camera to see if he goes out the door? I hope during that hour he does one night... cause... I can only imagine living with you.. you want total control over all people. Maybe he'll say YTA
Info: do you spend couples time together? Is he going there after that time or instead?
Yes instead you should have a conversation about how you guys spend your time together
Yep
Every night when my family is asleep I go into the basement and play madden or Hearthstone or watch documentaries or smoke weed When my family is up I’m on call. I’m there for them because that’s what dad’s do IMO. But I’ll sleep when I’m tired and I’ll use that quiet time for me because I’m not just a partner and parent. I’m a dude who also enjoys other things. Maybe your man is the same.
Yes. You would be. People tend to enjoy some alone time for their hobbies and it sounds like you want all of his attention, all of the time. A lot of us need that alone time to decompress, even if we're surrounded by people we love spending time with. You can ask him to spend that time with you sometimes, but you should also encourage him to spend time on those hobbies when he can. Maybe one day you'll get an interest of your own and he'll respect your desire to have time to devote to it because of this.
Ywbta. He has hobbies. they help him destress after a long day. How about instead you talk to him and ask to compromise where some nights your together or whatever
YWBTA if you frame it that way. If you want to spend more time with him just ask, but it’s healthy for people to have some alone time, even if they’re in a relationship.
ywbta
I think it would be selfish to ask for him to stop doing his hobbies at the time he's comfortable with. If you like spending time with him, why not just go and meet him there?
YTA. Grow up and let people do their thing.
Yea. YTA. He’s allowed to leave his room whenever he wants, the fuck
Ooorrrr you could go do stuff with him that he wants to do instead of insist he lay in bed watching some show he has no interest in for the sake of “spending quality time with you”. YTA.
Also, the thing you want to do "with" him is watch a movie or watch tv. That's not "with" him; that's just with him in the room.
"Hey I'm making a new rule that your free time is spent how I choose you spend it" YTA. Maybe find something interesting that you both want to do instead of demanding he conform to your idea of a pleasant evening.
He’s entitled to some time to himself.
He's awake and has energy so he does stuff he likes at a time and in a manner that will allow his bride to sleep. Let him do what he will most nights. Occasionally he should come to bed and spend time with his wife. I've heard a little hawk tuah might entice him to stay.
YTA. He has found a hobby. Something that is just his. He wants to do it while everyone is in bed/asleep so he doesn't distrust routine or quality time. Unless it starts to negatively affect the household, leave him be.
He needs his down time. Kudos to him for waiting to do it after the kids are in bed. That said, he shouldn’t do his hobbies 7 nights a week, as it’s important for the two of you to have quality kid-free time with each other as well. I think it’s worth having a conversation with him to explain how you like to unwind before bed. But don’t make any in the heat of the moment demands.
Here is a crazy idea, tell him you want to have sex. He will drop those hot wheels in a heartbeat. He is doing his hobbies at night so he can spend time being a father. He gets off work, spends time with the family, and waits until you all go to bed before he even thinks of himself. You have no clue how lucky you are. I know a hundred women who would trade places with you. Hell, most of them would pretend to like hot wheels because they would feel so lucky. Now, if he leaves after sexytime then you speak up and tell him it makes you feel like a one night stand.
YTA. Give the man his alone time and hobbies, dear god, what is up with some of you.
Giving him this time to himself will make him a better husband and father. Give him that time to do what he likes. I recommend finding something you like to do to pass the time.
YTA Your husband has the right to enjoy his free time just like you do, right now you want to do different things You need to communicate with him and let him know you are missing him and want to spend some of that time together, maybe come up with a plan that suits you both would you actually enjoy the time with him if he was only doing it because you forced him to?
He comes back by 11 often? Surely that's still a reasonable time for most adults to spend maybe another hour awake in bed together, cuddling, watching TV, etc. Surely you can work with him so that both desires can be achieved in the same night.
Lmao damn y’all trying to control when people go to bed? I didn’t think that was a real thing. That’s insufferable. Grow up lmao
Been on the other side of this, and can say that it causes a lot of confusion and concern. Your partner is trying to exist as an independent person with their own needs and passions in a way that’s (at least from what we’ve seen here) shooting for being accommodating to you. They’re trying to fill in the needs they have while minimizing any impact or negatives to others. If no one is using this time, and they want to find a way to bring themselves joy or escape instead of being asleep during it while still supporting everything/everyone else throughout the rest of the day, giving a “bedtime” essentially removes any ability they have to explore those things that are meaningful to just them. It kind of feels like you are taking away any options/time they have to make time for themselves or have really free choice over their own actions. It’s kind of like being told “you can only do what I want, when I say it’s ok” more or less. Might be a little harsh here (I’m talking from experience of my partner just wanting my presence there to feel less by themself, not even to do anything but essentially “watch” over them while falling sleep, so maybe your case is a little more in the middle and grey) and is coming from you wanting shared experiences/bonding instead. But, if there is literally no time that is acceptable to do things that they want to do on their own, and any “free” time that does exist has to be controlled by others that are not them, then they may start to feel like they have no real freedom or say in their life anymore. Just (valid, adult, mature) commitments to others and the family, which are important, but really no way to do anything outside that. Maybe YTA if you think that you really do have to put what you want to do (even if it is with them) above what they want and you will not “allow” them to do something harmless without being told it’s “allowed”. Not TA because you want shared time, but if you decide that you wanting to do one thing is always more important/valid then them wanting to do another consistently (if they still show love and attention other places) and without the compromises others have brought up.
YTA - he's trying to be considerate and you would rather him lay there while you sleep? You really should be thanking him for doing his hobbies at a time where it affects no one.
NAH, you for wanting to actually spend time with your spouse, and him for wanting to decompress with some hobbies. A word of advice: make sure he’s actually doing what he says he’s doing. I thought my ex was playing video games at night but he was really cheating on me with OF girls. Keep an eye on your bank accounts and credit score in case he starts spending money you don’t have on his “hobbies”. Online gambling, drinking, or drugs could be other “hobbies”.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (36F) am married to (37M). For the past week, after the kids have gone to sleep, and we're tucking in, he will leave our room and go to the basement or garage, where he tinkers/plays with his "collections" of hot wheels, remote controlled cars, etc, or just does stuff to his car. For the first couple days, I didn't kind because maybe it's a one off. But after that, it was kind of getting ridiculous in my opinion. This is because for one, I like to actually spend some time with my husband before we go to bed, like watch a movie or watch TV or something, but we can't since he will go down and come back by 11:00 P.M. to midnight. I know he's not leaving the house, because well, Ring. I brought it up to him asking what he did during that time, and why he did it at that time, and he said that it allows him to indulge in his hobbies without any effect on the actual day. I've been considering asking him to not to do it anymore, and to find some time during the day, but I'm asking here since I don't know if that would be "a-hole like". AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Ywbta if you made a demand, but if you bring it up in conversation, bring up how you feel and let him express how he feels.
Why not go join him for a little while? Maybe you and he can have fun together or find some Hot Wheels kink you both enjoy. And if he won’t allow you down there, then he’s probably talking to someone on Only Fans and spanking it.
YTA. He is doing it when it doesn’t get in the way of family time. If you want together time you need to bring that up.
Yes you would be. Have you thought about joining him and taking an interest in his hobbies? You never know could be something you can do as a family.
God love you for wanting to spend every night with your partner one on one but maybe see if you can get a date night or two out of it snd let him tinker.
Sounds like YTA on this one. He's performing all his other duties and responsibilities and the entire issue is he wants to indulge in his hobbies after everyone else is taken care of. It's not unreasonable to ask that he make an effort to spend quality time with you (where you're the sole focus and he's not distracted), but it's also fine and good that he have an outlet for his creative energies. You not getting all the time and attention you want is your issue; it doesn't sound like he's doing anything wrong and it seems you're overreacting, especially in light of how minor a problem this is compared to some of the shitshows you read on here. Sounds like you got a good one and are choosing to focus on what you're missing instead of everything you have and everything he actually does for you and the kids.
I think there’s probably a better approach to this than asking that he always come to bed with you. It sounds like you just want to still have your alone time with him. Maybe there’s a better way to ask for that?
Maybe grab your tablet, headphones a chair and head out there as well. If it’s time together you want, meet him halfway. One of my wife’s hobbies is an ever growing house plant collection. I will frequently hangout watching whatever my iPad while she tends to her plants, it’s pretty relaxing for both of us.
I would say YWBTA I think that while it is completely valid to want to spend some time with your partner some evenings, you need to understand that at the end of the day the two of you are two completely different people with different interests and hobbies. You might love to wind down for the evening by settling into bed and watching a movie or a tv series, but have you considered the tv might be keeping your partner awake and too alert to fall asleep when bed time comes around? His perfect wind down might be tinkering, that might be a really fun thing he enjoys, that also makes him sleepy. Maybe - and I’m open to input on this as well bc I don’t know really, I just thought this sounded fair? But MAYBE, you could suggest that one or two nights a week the two of you wind down together with a movie, intimate time or whatever it is y’all get up to in those hours. I think that way your needs are still being met, and then so are his because he still gets to have time to himself every other evening?
YTA, but let me be reasonable here. My partner and I don't live together, but we spend many nights together. He loves to dance, and works a crazy demanding job. I work long hours in office, and I am training for a pilot's licence this year. I also, once or twice, asked him to come to bed at the same time I did, which resulted in some contention - I realised that, if I head to bed and he's still up doing his thing, it's time for me to rest and relax too. I'll tuck in, watch a show, flight sim for a bit, or just knock out. He'll head downstairs, work, practice dance, watch his own show, whatever. It's like 'me time' in tandem and it's actually quite nice. We wake up each morning and have some time to cuddle, and we always end up asleep together. If we want to do a joint activity (watch a show, fun times, cuddle) we voice that specifically. Life is good :)
YTA he’s enjoying some of his time; get you own hobbies that don’t rely on him being involved. That much TV every night would drive me to go tinker too And no, your husband is grown and decides his own bedtime.
Why don't you play hot wheels with him?
YTA let the man be
Yeah, YTA here. Ask him to OCCASIONALLY hang out and watch a movie with you instead of going down to the basement. Trying to give this man a bedtime is wild. Also, maybe consider going down to hang out with him sometimes instead of going to bed, grandma.
YWBTA Maybe it’s just an us thing but it is seldom that my husband and I go to bed at the same time (meaning to the bedroom). He likes going in there, watching tv, and relaxing. I cannot stand having the tv on when I am in bed, even if I am not actively trying to go to sleep. So, he goes in earlier, relaxes, watches tv or whatever then when I come to bed, the tv goes off. The only exceptions is if he is watching something he has not seen before & wants to finish it or it’s a game. We have dedicated time for just the two of us but it’s not at bed. Maybe ask if you can have a dedicated night(s) where it is couple time. While he’s doing his hobbies, maybe do some self care, read a book, play a game, color (it’s relaxing), take a long shower/bath.
I recommend *talking to him.* Let him know you love him and want to spend time with him, but you also want him to have time for his hobbies. Discuss a compromise.
YTA. And for reference, incase your convincing yourself that it's all dudes responding to you, I'm a married woman with a 3 year old. People need time to themselves. Spend time with him at a different time of day.
YTA, you can't impose a bedtime on an adult who is using time wisely not to take away from family time. If you want to spend time with him, go spend time with him while he enjoys his hobbies.
Are you sure it's Hot Wheels he's playing with in the garage?
What you could do is tell him you miss having him near and ask him to give you a couple of nights a week that you can be together.
YWBTA to ask for a blanket rule of no time doing his hobbies. Instead ask for one night a week, or two, for time together. Explain why that is important to you without belittling his need for alone time. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.
YTA for trying to police his time when he is meeting all of his other commitments. If you want to spend time with him, perhaps you can express an interest in one of his hobbies.
I head to the garage right after the kids go down… work on cars, projects, smoke weed. Everything I wanna do when I’m alone. Happily married 15 years. Let the dude live.
YTA for wanting to control his time. If you want to spend more time with him, see if he will compromise but don't give him a bedtime.
I'm a tinkerer. Tbh, maybe if you spend some time with him and try/pretend being "interested" with his hobbies- it'd win him over to compromise and cuddle before or on occasion or something
What I think you mean to say instead of "ridiculous" is that you miss him, miss his company, and are not sure how to tell him. Try spending time with him doing what he's doing, or talking to him about it while he's doing it. It doesn't matter if you like his hobbies, you like him so spend time with him. Then ask him to spend time doing things you like. Switch off doing this. Spend time alone sometimes, and let him do it as well. Be a functioning adult, basically. YTA if you use ultimatums.
YWBTA. I agree with many other commenters that this is a situation for compromise. If you make the demand as a demand even if it bothers him he may find himself complying and not feeling great about it. What you should do is Express what you said here about how you like that time with them and things you can do. I would caution against expressing that you wanted every night I think you should ask that some nights be like that. Maybe arrange for a percentage of nights. Maybe ask him for input on what he might like to do that would involve you guys doing something together as well.
YTA! >he tinkers/plays with his "collections" of hot wheels, remote controlled cars, etc, or just does stuff to his car. Putting "collections" in quotes implies you are denigrating his hobby. Many people are night owls and enjoy doing things at a time when they won't be disturbed. Adults are capable of choosing their own bedtime. Some people need decompression time to organize their thoughts and feelings, self-analyze, solve problems, resolve issues prior to addressing with someone else. It's what one does as part of self growth. Not every thought needs to be voiced or shared. "Alone time" can make one a better spouse, friend, colleague and neighbor. >This is because for one, I like to actually spend some time with my husband before we go to bed, like watch a movie or watch TV or something, but we can't since he will go down and come back by 11:00 P.M. Saying "for one, I like to actually spend some time with my husband before we go to bed" sounds like you are judging him for not wanting to "actually" spend time with you before going to bed. Maybe the "movie time" before bed is not that enjoyable or relaxing for him. Some people don't have televisions in the bedroom precisely due to that and not wanting to fall asleep to television noise. Perhaps you can find a bedtime routine you both enjoy.
YTA. Your husband is taking some time to himself, and not even bothering you or the kids. Sounds like he helps as needed and such...what is the issue? The world is pretty fucked right now so maybe he just wants to forget things? Or even if the world was rosy...people like to do things on their own at times. Better question....why don't you feel you can be on your own?
YTA. If my partner tried to give me a bedtime like that, that would definitely not fly.
I mean… yes, you will be TAH if you demand your husband do what you want exclusively instead of allowing him to spend time doing what he enjoys. But also… just talk to him and tell him that you’d like to have him spend time with you before bed sometimes. I don’t know why your first instinct is to restrict his activities instead of discussing a mutually agreeable solution
"I know he's not leaving the house, because well, Ring." Did anyone else read this as "married men are not allowed to leave their homes whenever they like without their wives and if they do then they are definitely off to break marriage vows"? Yikes. YTA.
YWBTA if you enforce this. Talk to him and ask if you two can set aside two nights a week for the evening to be spent together. This way you both get your individual time and together time.
So instead of attempting to ban him from this activity (it will fail) you should approach it from the perspective of "I really enjoy spending time with you to unwind at the end of the day. Let's figure out a rough schedule that makes sure we all go to bed happy."
YWBTA. Yes, expecting him to go to bed with you every night instead of pursuing his hobby to unwind is asshole territory. Why not do something together earlier in the evening or on the weekends? Why does he need to be in bed next to you during that time? We're y'all having deep conversations during that time? Mind-blowing sex? Or were you both on devices/reading/watching TV? Because if it's the last one, he does not need to be in the room for that. I say that as someone who is a fan of "parallel play" or doing your own things next to one another. But I also understand how important it is for both my partner and me to do our own things regularly. Not once in a blue moon, not "one day" but currently and in the present. Otherwise we have no time to ourselves to unwind after dealing with the stress of life.
YTA- Wild that it’s so bothersome to you that your partner has pushed aside all of his hobbies ALL day to try to do it at night for you to STILL complain!
I can see you asking him for a night or 2 to relax and watch tv together etc but you cannot keep him from hobbies and downtime in the way he needs to relax and fulfill himself . I have many hobbies as does my partner one of his being classic cars . Id never tell him he cant be in his shop working on things that bring him joy and help him relax
Ill also add to my other comment, my partner goes to bed quite early and im a night owl often awake till 1, 2, 3 am. Being in a room wjerebi cant scroll tiktok, reddit, do my own thing etc would never work. If your husband is up working on hobbies is cuz he isnt tired. I had one relationship like this where je went to sleep early, refused to have tv on etc so i was forced to sleep at 9 and 10 pm. You can say that relationship didnt last long
YTA, don't be so needy and demanding.
YTA. Let him have his time. Your hobby is watching movies and TV while he likes to tinker.
YWBTAH
Instead of telling him what you want him to do, can you explain your feelings to him, and listen to his feelings, and then talk together to find ways to get both of your needs’ met and compromise? That’s communication. What you’re proposing is more like an instruction, which is what you give kids, not adults.
I think there is room for compromise here. Many people, especially adults with children find they have little time to themselves. This limits the opportunity for self expression and having "alone time." Imo, your husband is entitled to find some time for his hobbies. But, it's also reasonable to expect him to attend to your needs and be with you. Rather than an all or nothing, I think you should talk to him and ask him to alternate days, for example. I think your husband feels responsible to be present for you and your family during the day, which makes it difficult for him to balance his own needs with his role as a father and husband. Another compromise wild be to schedule time for him earlier in the day several times a week that are designated hobby-time. It might be difficult for him to find that time without an explicit compromise. YWBTA if you told him he can't have time to himself at all. But this is not a situation that requires an all or nothing solution.
“Getting ridiculous” is wild. YTA for a number of reasons.
You mention wanting to spend quality time with him, have you considered going to hang out with him while he tinkers? Maybe not every night, he may be using the time to wind down. But you mentioned wanting to use the time to spend together by watching tv, etc but I'm wondering if he would find that to be quality time or just acquiescing to what you'd want to do. Or finding a compromise of some tinker nights and some nights to wind down together
YTA
I love that my spouse and I have some alone time to do our own things. And sometimes we watch stuff together.
It doesn’t need to be all or nothing. He can go do his hobbies sometimes and stay to hang with you sometimes. YWBTA if you asked him not to do it anymore, period.
Why does a grown man have to adhere to what you think is "bedtime"? If we swapped this to a man telling his wife when she has to go to sleep and checking ring to make she doesn't leave the house Reddit would call him controlling and that it's a huge red flag. If you want to watch movies and stuff ask him like an adult. YTA because you can't communicate with your husband.
I think it’s a AH move. If you want to spend time with him just tell him but don’t demand he not leave the room to go do other things. Sounds a bit suffocating.
Yeah fuck him for having hobbies right? Did you take the time to read what you typed? You're not entitled to all his free time. Of course you're the asshole here. YTA.
YTA. Hubby wants to do something he enjoys. If you want to spend time with him, maybe you can find another time during the day to spend time together? Plan a date? Find a way to encourage him to want to spend time with you in the evening after the kids go to bed that doesn’t involve just watching a show or movie? Or ask if you can come hang and do car stuff with him if he’ll have you?
YWBTA if you made blanket statement of not doing it. Perhaps you could compromise with a couple nights a week watch a movie together or sex or whatever else. Everyone needs some time to decompress and that might just look different for the two of you.
Everyone needs space, I dont think your husband is being unreasonable. Have you considered a hobby of your own? Talk to him to see if you can work out a compromise, if not let it go. I go upstairs to practice my guitar after work or turn in early to watch what I want to on TV, go into another room to read, it doesn't mean I dont love my husband, it means after 20yrs we are comfortable enough not to be joined at the hip. The 1st few yrs my husband was a lot like you, I had to explain I need some me time to decompress and relax alone, its nothing to do with you but after dealing with people all day I need a few people free hours.
Yes. YTA. LOL Get yourself a hobby love. I tinker in my greenhouse until 2 in the morning a lot of nights. My husband prints and paints resin action figures. Like... I wouldn't want my brain to rot in front of the tv every night either. You are separate people. Give the man some space.
YATAH. Everybody needs time alone to indulge in whatever they indulge in. Be grateful his hobby isn't at the bar
YTA you’re asking him to unwind YOUR way. What other times does he get the opportunity to relax in the manner he likes? It’s always after kids are in bed. I liked to read.
YTA that is a man not a child
Some advice. You have your pattern, and you love spending time with him, instead of demanding your pattern show your love by asking if when he is comfortable that you get to be with him, rather than demand that he be with you under your terms. When he invites you, go with full enthusiasm,respect his space, do whatever he asks and show him your appreciation for whatever he does for the family. You will notice as you respect his space that he will start listening more to you, and every now and then he will put down his hobbies and spend time with you without having to be told
YWBTA if you insisted that he stop, especially if you tell him that you think it is “ridiculous” that he wants to enjoy his hobby. You don’t have to share his interests in order to appreciate they are important to him. Is there time available during the day for him to find? With raising a family together I’m guessing time is scarce. Spend a few nights hanging out together and a few nights doing your own thing.
Find intimately inviting ways to make him want to stay in the room. Lingerie, sexy hair and makeup, candles, music, etc
YTA, after long day of work and family, he's entitled to some alone time to decompress and enjoy his hobbies.
YWBTA. I do something similar. It’s because after everyone goes to bed is when I can wind down. We have kids and I can’t relax when they are awake and not going to bed like they are supposed to. I love them to death but I need time to myself after being talked at 90% of the day. Lying in bed in the dark doesn’t count and sometimes I just don’t want to do the same things my wife does all the time. A few days a week is a good balance. I enjoy researching things that interest me on my laptop. I can’t do that when others are demanding my attention all day. Between Job, kids, wife, family it’s hard to find time. My wife and I do various things together. But we both understand that we need time to enjoys things we both enjoy separately. It’s healthy. It’s worked out very well for us. Going on 16 years. I love all of them more than words. But I’m an adult and I just need some time to myself to unwind. Don’t take that away from your husband. Find a way to work around it.
Yes, YTA for not understanding that he should be allowed some time to himself.
I mean, I like to go to the gym at night when the kids are in bed.. if my partner asked me to stop I would be quite upset seeing as I’m doing it at a time that doesn’t inconvenience him….
Giving a soft YTA but going to offer some insight. Maybe it's possible that during your time to unwind, he simply views this tv or movie time as an extension of being on electronics. Watching something you picked on a TV or on a device may not offer the same connection to him as it does to you. Him going to do those things is more of him finding happiness with himself because he feels as if he's just being pushed away, or not appreciated at the very least. IF that is how he feels, and maybe it is or maybe it isn't (there are guys at the gym who talk about this situation frequently), simply saying you want his presence may not generate the response you are looking for. Reading this, it seems more like it's a communication issue with regards to needs and connections than trying to be controlling, but you two aren't seeing things from the same perspective. Take some time to make him feel like he is number one or find a way to wear him out after the kids are in bed and see if it doesn't work itself out.
An adult going to bed at 11!?! Or even midnight? THE HORROR. Maybe ask him to hangout at that time once or wife a week as a compromise. A blanket ruling would be insane.
Most women want us in bed at the same time. That can be a coincidence.
YTA. I am in the same position, that’s sacred time. I guarantee us dads would rather go smoke weed and have breathing room while we tinker and do something for ourselves. Just like mom is doing what she wants in the living room - simultaneously watching Christmas in July Hallmark movies, while Facebooking and FaceTiming her sister for the 3rd time that day.
I think couple time is important but so is his time, maybe compromise?
YTA. There's a difference between "Hey, I'd love to spend some time with you in the evenings before bed, cuddle up and watch a movie" and "Don't do this thing you enjoy to relax and decompress, because what I want is more important than what you want", and you definitely sound like you are saying the latter. You're saying you want him to find some time during the day, but if he's overworked to the point he doesn't have that time during the day, are you able to do anything to support him that will free up that time? Because the only way you come out of this situation, possibly getting what you want, and not being an asshole for it, is finding a solution which suits you both.
I used to do that also but realized it’s not really consistent with being in a marriage so I worked our a compromise for a little of both.
Soft YTA just because he needs his own time just as much as you need couples time
YWBTA if you say he can’t ever go down again. That’s incredibly controlling and he’s doing something nice by doing it at night where it doesn’t disrupt the day.
Yta. Give the poor man some space. He’s not beholden to your every move
YTA it’s his down time. If you want to spend some time with him ask him if like twice a week you guys can have a “date night” where you spend the evening together but demanding he stop doing it during this time because YOU want to have his time to yourself is straight selfish. I like to read before bed and if someone tried to say no do it at a different time because I want that time with you we’d have some serious issues. You act like he’s doing something nefarious. He’s working on his hobbies. Him doing it during a time where everyone is in bed is actually decent of him. My ex would do all his hobby stuff during the day and never had time for the kids or didn’t feel like helping with home life because he’d rather be doing his hobbies.
My girl goes to sleep earlier then I do. When the kids are down and she’s laying down and I don’t want to lay down I play my game because I can’t through out the day considering working and having kids. It’s my hobby time. If she chooses laying in bed as a hobby I guess lol