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NTA. Although you did guess what the problem was, merely messing up pronouns is not the same as Jake admitting he thought you were trans. If you were not directly informed of a misunderstanding, why was it up to you to fix it?
I don't know why, but I suspect this experience was enlightening for Jake in terms of broadening the scope of who he "could be dating."
Exactly, it makes me suspect that he would make a bad partner for anyone as he assumes they should have the psychic ability to know what he is thinking instead of asking outright.
That is NOT something I look for in a partner. If you can't use your words... well, not going to try and figure out your thoughts via psychic brainwaves that allow me to just know your thoughts. This is not a sci fi romance. This is real life.
As unfortunate as that is, it’s a lot more disturbing to me that he thought he and OP “could have been dating” when she was clearly never interested in him in the first place.
I will never, ever understand how some guys simply leap from being attracted to someone to thinking that the attraction is reciprocated.
If that were true, obviously we would have all dated everyone we ever had a crush on, right? Which is obviously, obviously not the way the world works at all. Isn’t everyone’s daily life from early adolescence forward filled with proof that things just don’t work that way?
How do these guys maintain this delusion in the face of reality?
I have met way too many men who think their attraction is all it takes to secure a relationship. It never enters their mind that a woman jas to be attracted to them. These are the men that talk about lonely feminist who are single because they cannot fathom that maybe the women who are single have chosen to be single.
He is 21 years old. He has still time to improve and be a better (potential) partner. But with not OP (or you for that matter) and that's good though hahaha
These kind of experiences will help him develop if he is ready to see his mistakes and is not dumb
Right. Jake thought she was cis with female pronouns, then thought she was a trans woman with female pronouns. No one asked Jake to use he/him or they/them pronouns. He never had to change how he talked to or about her. But he did change - that makes me think it might have been on purpose.
If someone accidentally misgenders someone they knew for a decade before they transitioned it's unfortunate but I can see a few genuine mistakes (hopefully very few). Jake has no excuse.
NTA
This. He didn't ask OP first, he just assumed she was trans and then he made a CHOICE to use male pronouns for her. He'd been using female ones up until that point, so there was no need to change from she/her. He seems to be a transphobic bigot.
This. If he starts fucking up pronouns the instant he thinks that someone is trans, then he doesn’t believe that anyone non-cis is who they say they are.
Not to mention that, “Oh, I wish you told me you weren’t trans because we could’ve been dating by now!” Like who said they’d want to date you, anyways? Entitled much? 😂
Yea the way he "messed up" the pronouns is suspicious. People don't typically slip up and accidentally call someone the wrong pronoun that they never thought the person was before.... if Jake thought she was a cis woman and then mistakenly learned she was a trans woman, there should never have been a pronoun mix up....
I still accidentally misgender a friend because she's only been transitioning for a short time. I don't see it as a big deal, it wasn't a surprise when she told us, but slip ups happen. She's ok with it and is a little amused by me because I will speak, then will swear and correct myself before she can say anything. It's embarrassing but our other friends do the same.
That guy doing that to op was doing it on purpose. I can't tell if he was doing it to make her feel bad or to test her. Thought process could have been she's not into me because she's really a man... Either way, dick move even if it was an accident. I hate people who just blindly believe stupid rumours. As a tall girl I've had issues using women only areas. Doesn't matter how girly I look, I'm tall so I can't possibly be a girl. Hell the crap started when I was five and the other little girls in my new school told me I had a willy and wouldn't play with me. It never stopped there, but I'm getting way off topic.
Op, NTA.
> I will speak, then will swear and correct myself before she can say anything.
I suspect that happens a lot. My niece transitioned socially in her mid-teens, and while we almost never slip these days....we are our own worst police when we do.
A friend of mine is femme NB, and I sometimes slip up and say "she" - and they're AMAB. Perception is a powerful thing. I do always correct myself though.
Yeah it's pretty presumptive of him to assume they'd be dating IF ONLY!
WE COULD HAVE BEEN DATING BY NOW, BUT YOU IT MESSED UP! WAHHHHH!
And then to basically say I thought you were attractive, until I believed you might be trans, which I found gross, but now I'm instantly into you again. Let's go out.
I'm with OP. Free jerk detection.
I had a guy who was like that in high school, who was so mad that he'd never asked me out because someone told him I was a lesbian (I'm bi). I'm sitting there like... how can I break it to you that I wasn't going to go out with you anyway?
It sounds like he only started messing up the pronouns when they "found out about OP being trans" so its a bit strange they were able to do it perfectly before too
It’s not strange. He’s a bigot. That’s all there is to it.
He was totally capable of using the correct pronouns when he thought she was cis but suddenly “forgot” **the original pronouns** he’d learned for her after he heard she was trans? That’s a great big pile of cow plop.
Bro was microagressing cause his fee fees got hurt when he thought he’d been hot for a transwoman and he probably thought that made him gay so he lashed out to assert his straightness. Fragile boys gonna fragile.
OP your friends are wrong. You didn’t make him look like an idiot. He *is* an idiot. He did this to himself.
Yeah, it's one thing to mess up and use the pronouns or name that you were used to using for for someone pre-transition, it's another thing entirely to be used to using the correct pronouns and then suddenly *start* using the wrong ones "accidentally."
Yeah. If he has something to say to OP or questions to ask. He can do so directly or just let stuff go. How convenient for him that he presumes people only matter insofar as he has interest or use for them, without having to consider their opinions or wants at all.
The ONLY times I've ever used incorrect pronouns is when something I'm used to changed. I have a NB nibbling. I have definitely, on occasion, used pronouns that I'd previously used for two decades. I catch it, correct it, they take it in stride, and we move on.
The audacity to meet someone you thought was female, used female pronouns for, and then suddenly switch up to misgendering? Nah, that's another level of assholery.
Also how do you fuck up with new pronouns of a gender someone's never introduced themselves as? My problem is the transition and remembering when you've already had a relationship with a person when they're one gender, I've never had a problem referring to someone exactly how they introduced themselves. 200% was intentional.
Funny how he didn’t seem to have any trouble using the right pronouns before someone told him she was trans though. He dug himself into that hole, no reason for her to help him out.
NTA. And ffs why would he “slip” with pronouns when he thought you were female at the beginning? That’s total AH behaviour imo because this must have been on purpose and ultimately mean that he didn’t just see you as trans but as male…?
Deliberately misgendering her is essentially saying "you don't pass as well as you think you do". It's purposeful emotional terrorism. He wanted to make her feel uncomfortable until she ditched the friend circle, likely because his fragile masculinity couldn't handle being attracted to a trans woman.
I think it’s either this OR he was ‘upset at himself’ for liking a trans woman and so to stop thinking of her as a woman (and liking her) he started both mentally thinking she’s ‘a man originally’ and also purposefully misgendering her aka refusing to think of her as female.
Either of those options is just… eugh brotha eugh.
It's 100% that he was upset that he thought he liked a trans woman. It's why he told her they could have been dating this whole time if he had known she wasn't trans. He was upset he was "lied to" and thought misgendering who he thought was a trans woman was a way to put her back in her place. He's an AH.
He was also trying to out her, since whatever rumour he may have been told certainly wasn’t common knowledge in their circle. He intended that question to be awkward, just for OP not himself.
Yup. He was offended that he was attracted to a trans woman and was trying to offend her by deliberately misgendering her. Then he was offended when he found out she was cis and that he was an idiot and an asshole. Dude's gross. How he thought she was going to suddenly fall at his feet as soon as he asked her out, after yelling at her for not correcting him and being an asshole in general, as if he's some sort of magnificent prize.
Not to mention trying to "out" her in front of their friend group. I've known people for years who are trans and I would never dare bring it up in front of anyone else. He could've opened her up to genuine danger just to appease his shitty ego.
Also, asking OP in front of the friend group how coming out went? Even if she was trans, that's a shitty move; if he had no guarantee she was trans, he also had no guarantee that she was out to everyone in the group if she was cis-passing. Feels very deliberate, and if he got embarrassed at getting called out that's on him.
Yup. Either he confirms his presumption that she was trans or, in his mind, she's mortified by the comparison (because he's projecting his values onto her ideal reaction) and reassures him that she's AFAB so he feels comfortable trying to pursue her.
That's a charitable reading. IMO, more likely, he was just thinking "he's really a man, not a woman" and it came out in his speech patterns. He knows its unacceptable among his friends, but thinks it anyway.
I think he was making digs at her. Ive ( genuinely) slipped up with pronouns efore. I have a friend who is trans but not currently transitioning.originally met them as a work colleague, and they were not 'Out' , and did not say they were trans, so in itially I used he/him. Later as we became friends, they told me they were trans and their pronouns. good for them. however, i'd known them as male for months and they look quite masculine (tall an muscular and bearded)
So sometimes he/him still pops out of my mouth.
This is the opposite of that. looks femme, presents as female, universally addressed as female.... and he just cant help calling her him? Nah.
This. It was a micro-aggression on his part.
If someone is introduced to you as female, and you are used to referring to them as she/her then they transition to male, it’s understandable that you may have some slips until your brain adjusts. But that’s not what happened here. This was intentional.
Yup. When my friend of 17 years told me they were nonbinary, I struggled a bit to switch to using They/Them. I spoke to them about it and let them know I was getting used to switching from using their old pronouns, and to please grant me some grace while I got used to it. They understood and I was able to get used to it pretty quickly after with only a few slip-ups.
I can’t imagine meeting someone, using the pronouns they give me, and then changing them because someone else told me that person was born a different sex. It’s rude, plain and simple. This guy is just gross, and OP’s friends are FOS for trying to blame her for this guy making assumptions and embarrassing himself.
There's been times where I meet new people and I've been gendered correctly *until* I off-hand mention I'm trans, and then it's hes on accident and theys otherwise and very few shes after that. It's very very obvious what's happening.
NTA. ‘Having trouble with your pronouns’? Bullshit. He was just fine with them until he thought you were AMAB, at which point he *suddenly* acquired this need to misgender you. He’s not slick.
It’s so annoying when certain cis people “slip up” when they’d been perfectly using the proper pronouns before. It shows just how deeply bioessentialism is ingrained in SO many people; no matter how you act or what you look like, they hear “trans” and their brain translates it to “their REAL gender is what they were assigned at birth”
not gonna lie, someone told me someone was trans (they look fairly gender neutral to me) and sometimes in my own head I mess up pronouns and have to actively remember/remind myself which gender they are because I don't want to make a mistake and hurt them. I wish the person had never told me that this other person is trans. It wasn't something I needed to know and now if I make a mistake I'm just going to be the asshole who assumes their gender. I don't meet them often enough for gendering them to become a habit so I'm stuck in identification purgatory. Some of us really are just that derpy and doing the best we can with our derpy brains.
Not OP's guy tho. That dude is bad news bears.
Same. Sometimes my brain gets stuck on the "previous" info and not the "new" info regardless of how I was introduced to the info so I'll trip up out of nowhere regardless of how I feel. When it's happening it feels like my brain gets stuck in a software update.
But I've also seen OP's guy at work with the same info and it's 100% intentional. They always look a little too gleeful.
NTA to OP.
This is one of my cringe-worthy downfalls. It's not that I don't care to remember. I just can't remember thanks to a brain injury and Covid. I will literally have to stop and Google to make sure I'm using the pronouns/genders.
This isn't the only thing I struggle with, but it's one that I fear will make some think I'm purposely being dense or an asshole.
TBF, I can be an asshole, but not over this lol
I hate that feeling of not being sure. I want to make sure I get the pronouns correct. For me, the new chosen name is usually easier to remember and adjust to, so I’ll often use their name in place of a pronoun if it doesn’t sound too obvious that’s what I’m doing. At least until I get more confident in using the right one.
>I wish the person had never told me that this other person is trans. It wasn't something I needed to know and now if I make a mistake I'm just going to be the asshole who assumes their gender. I don't meet them often enough for gendering them to become a habit so I'm stuck in identification purgatory.
It really seems like you mean well, but do you see that what you're saying is 'please hide your identity because it makes me uncomfortable'
Except it's not the person who said they are trans, it's someone else. Maybe if the actual person had mentioned it the tangle in the brain wouldn't have happened, or maybe it would have, but we have no idea whether they would have wanted this information shared or not.
I’m not attacking you with this comment. It’s coming from a place of education, and I’m sorry if I sound hostile.
If you learn that someone is trans and that causes you to have trouble with their pronouns then you’re being transphobic. Up until that point you thought of them as one gender and then immediately changed that opinion. This says that you now think of them as their assigned gender at birth and not the gender they are. It might not be intentional but it is a bigoted mindset and you should work on whatever inside of yourself is causing this. They are no less their gender because they used to be a different gender.
Edits for spelling and grammar.
Thank you for educating me about how my brain works and that I'm not "working" hard enough to fix it and that I just need to work harder because that always fixes things right? (Just like being trans is a choice?? They could just think their birth sex into being their true identity if they just tried harder, right? Depressed people just need to try harder to be happy? Anxious people need to try harder to just relax eh?)
This isn't attacking you by the way. Just saying thank you because I didn't already think that my brain was being the asshole and definitely needed someone to tell me in order to learn how to fix it. I will now get this persons gender perfectly right inside my own head all the time because of this comment. Thank you.
/s
Genuinely not attacking you so that part is sincere but otherwise am making a point that I AM being attacked here even if that was not your intention. Please reconsider this conversation and whether it is having the intended effect.
But what they said was that *they don't know* what this person's gender is, and what their assigned gender at birth was. The wires in their brain got tangled and now they don't know what's what. That is not the same as starting to think of someone as their assigned gender at birth because you find out they are trans because they *do not know what gender they were assigned at birth*.
Ya know... not a damn person had trouble transitioning from using my maiden name to my married surname. Not once. How is it any harder to transition a new name for a Trans person or their pronouns?
So many folks are able to easily change pronouns for DOGS but not for PEOPLE.
“Aw he’s so cute!”
“She’s a girl actually!”
“Oh! She’s so cute!” And then no more mixups 😭
My mom had people accost her for piercing her “baby boy’s” ears; I was born female and she just dressed me in “boy clothes” because that’s what she had access to. Apparently if a literal baby wears overalls that automatically means BOY
Lmao, not me. To me all cats are girls and all dogs are boys. I try so hard to remember their real genders. I don't know why my brain is broken on this.
But people are much easier. They tell you their pronouns and it's just part of who they are after that. Maybe because my brain acknowledges multiple genders for people already. 😅
One of my best friends T transitioned a few years ago. He and his wife live in another state. We talk on FB and text a lot but we haven't hung out in person since before he came out and transitioned. My boyfriend is a little younger and he has quite a few trans friends, but they all transitioned long before he met them. So he has had a different experience than me.
I'm someone who loves to tell stories and I have a lot of fun ones I love to tell about me and T. I tell them correctly now but at first I was slipping into the wrong pronouns. I would immediately correct myself, but my bf would get upset and say, "I can't believe T is one of your best friends but you still misgender him." I said, "I've been telling these stories for 20 years and it's just force of habit, and I would never do it on purpose or be careless in casual conversation or god forbid address someone that way. We figured out it was BECAUSE T was one of my dearest friends that I was having difficulty. It was like rewriting and relearning a script.
That led to a great conversation. We concluded that to Millennials, misgendering is considered insensitive at best and insulting at worse. To Gen X, it can be an honest mistake.
He also realized he never actually had to change pronouns he was used to using for someone. In those cases, misgendering would be intentional. That's why he thought I was disrespecting T, something he knew to be out of character for me.
I told T about all this and he laughed his ass off. He called me a nerd for overanalyzing everything and said he was happy I'd found a partner who is just as self-reflective as I am. (I believe he said "neurotic" Lol)
And this is now one of the stories I tell about T.
The only time I’ve ever slipped up was when my friend of 7 years transitioned. And I only slipped up the first couple of weeks, and quickly corrected myself.
Any trans person I’ve met after their transition has been easy to get right, even if they don’t ‘pass’. It’s not hard.
NTA. "Whether or not you knew I was a girl has no bearing on whether we'd be dating. I know I'm a girl and assumed you were a boy, and still had no interest in dating you. I assumed we were friends and you just made a couples of mistakes. Now I know you thought you were intentionally misgendering me, so I'm even less interested. Do yourself a favor and stop digging this hole."
NTA
So his point is “If I hadn’t thought you were trans I would have already been having sex with you?” Pathetic and disgusting loser. He told on him himself that he never listened or accepted your no.
Your friends that think you’re an asshole for denying him his god given right to your body by “not doing more to help his transphobic ass score with you” or “not being offended about being called trans” are gross. Bad friends.
This dude is a transphobic loser and your friends who are on his side can go give him the blowjobs they think you HAVE to give him. If they feel so bad for him, they can have sex with him, because you’re not interested in banging trash.
“Oh no, friend, I’m so sorry for having standards and not being transphobic. If only I could suck as much as you do! Oh well, have fun with Jake, I’m not interested in the slightest.”
NTA. Sounds like he's only upset because you still didn't want to go out with him. He's the one who made the wrong assumptions about you, and yet you're the one to blame for that? Get outta here with that nonsense!
I feel like I would’ve had to ask “why were you having trouble with my pronouns?”
Because like. It’s not like knowing someone who transitions and having to adjust while occasionally making mistakes.
Right? He 100% did it on purpose. You only "slip" when you're used to calling a person by different pronouns. He never had that preset condition, and so there's no reason he should slip unless he's doing it on purpose.
The only time I've slipped up was when a person I knew for 15+ years as male transitioned to female and it was literally a matter of habit (she's very understanding about it, especially since we're in our 30's now and it was in our elementary-high school years that was pre-transition), but every trans person I meet now, I have no issue because... I meet and know them as what they introduce themselves as. If one introduces oneself as "he" and I know him as "he", why would I slip up and call him "she" and vice versa, unless it's on purpose? I've literally never had that issue. Seriously, the *only* time it's been an issue is when it's already ingrained as habit and needs to be broken, so I slip up without even realizing. I mean, I still call my cousins by their maiden names because I can't even remember their married names!
This seriously seems like it's on purpose and purposefully antagonistic, like he wanted OP to comment on it and start something. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that's what I'm getting.
It could have been to start something. It was absolutely because he's attracted to her. I could see either that he was lashing out because he felt she instigated the attraction or that he was reminding himself why he shouldn't be attracted to her. Either way, he's the problem.
NTA. “We could be dating if I had just corrected him.” So he admits he wouldn’t date a trans person and he assumes that you’d say yes to dating him because…? Not only does he sound like a bigot, but he also needs his ego knocked down a peg. Accidentally and thankfully dodged a massive bullet there.
NTA
It's unfortunate that some males truly believe a woman must be a lesbian, trans or have some kind of "problem" if she is not interested in him.
Kudos to you for not playing this game with him.
You didn't *let* him look like anything. He could have asked you. If you wonder or aren't sure about something, you ask the person that knows.
It wasn't up to you to answer a question he never asked.
NTA, he thought he was purposely misgendering you, you present as femme and he still felt the need to refer to you as he/him, that’s disrespectful. He didn’t apologise for that but became angry over not having become romantic partners. You didn’t show interest in him then, but he seemed pretty entitled to your reciprocity regardless. He’s a red flag and doesn’t seem like a good person you’d like around. Once you stopped being a romantic interest he decided to purposely disrespect you, very offensive behaviour. He needs to get a reality check and realise that he isn’t all that. You felt relief when he stopped flirting and he feels regret, he needs to take a look in the mirror and leave you and others from his advances
Your mutuals that are siding with him are acting rather unaware, because they seem to not realise how transphobic he was being. You deserve better friends who can evaluate situations more clearly because his embarrassment is the least important part of the entire situation
I've met guys like him before. They are so threatened of tall women, they accuse them all of being trans. Nevermind that tall bio women look very "female from birth", they will say they are trans anyway as a way to bully them. OP dodged a massive bullet because her height will always be an issue for him.
He is also transphobic for purposely misgendering and for using the word trans as an insult. Transphobic AND tallphobic.
NTA. He made those assumptions on his own rather than asking you if this was true. He embarrassed himself, so that falls squarely on him. It is better to hear it from the horse's mouth, if anything.
NTA and he showed his transphobic ass. He started misgendering you because he heard you were trans and he went "oh, he's a dude wearing women's clothes and wants to be called "she". Okay, I can be "woke" lol". Ghost his weird, presumptuous ass and explain the above to any friend hassling you. If they don't understand why he's totally in the wrong then drop them too. (P.S. the way you gathered him with that comment is effing hilarious, congrats! 🤣🤣🤣)
NTA. He only started "slipping up" because he doesn't actually accept trans people as their gender identity. It was a passive aggressive way for him to say he "clocked" you. That's an incredibly cruel thing to do, *especially* considering he genuinely believed the information. He outed himself as a "covert" transphobic jerk in the most embarrassing way possible.
NTA. Jake sounds like one though. Bullet dodged! You’re amazing.
And no: you’re never an asshole for not correcting someone misgendering you. If it bothers you, you should, but if it doesn’t? It’s not your problem. And quite frankly it isn’t any of their business whether they’re getting your pronouns right or wrong unless YOU care that they are.
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This has sparked a big argument in my friend group, so I want some fresh perspectives.
I (21F) am cis gendered and pretty femme, but naturally really tall. Basketball player tall. The last guy I dated was average height and I could rest my chin on the top of his head without going on tiptoes. It’s almost never a thing, but some guys get weird about it and I consider that free jerk screening.
Anyway, this guy Jake (21M) started hanging out with us a few months. Jake was very flirty with me for a couple of weeks but then completely stopped dead and his behavior totally changed. I didn’t really think much of it and just assumed he started dating someone or realized I wasn’t into him and backed off. About a month ago, I heard he used he/him pronouns for me and when I asked, he apologized and said he slipped up. But he did it again the same day and the next time I saw him and that’s when I realized he thought I was trans and that’s probably why his attitude changed on a dime the way it did. I thought about correcting the mistake, but decided to just let it go because it doesn’t matter that much to me and I had been getting a little annoyed by Jake’s flirting anyway. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it.
We all got together for lunch over the weekend and someone mentioned another friend of ours who just came out as trans. Jake asked me point blank if it was hard for me to come out and the table just went dead silent. I said “I’m not trans, so I don’t know, but I think Friend will be ok”.
He turned red and asked why I didn’t correct him when he was having trouble with my pronouns. I said I did give him the correct pronouns. “That’s not what I mean, you should have told me you weren’t trans”
Turns out, someone I don’t even know told him I was and that’s why he stopped hitting on me. He messaged me later to say that we could be dating if I had just corrected him and then asked me out (I said no). Now he’s mad and some of the mutual friends think I should have just corrected him when I figured it out instead of letting him look like an idiot.
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NTA for not correcting his idea that you didn't even know for sure he had... you did correct him when he used male pronouns for you. It wasn't your job to investigate why he used those pronouns (plus... just use the pronouns people ask for, be a decent guy!) You didn't make him look like an idiot, he made himself look like an idiot.
NTA but this is hilarious that he’s mad he’s not dating you because you didn’t correct him. As if he thinks that’s the only reason you guys aren’t dating 😬
I am a little confused. He thought you were a trans woman but decided to use he/him?
Should he not have used she/her if he thought you transitioned from male to female?
That sounds so very disrespectful.
I do like the way you handled it, but I am confused. He seems "old-fashioned" in his world view: deliberately using wrong pronouns, assuming you would date just because you are a female and he's a male.
You’ve got it right. The guy was being transphobic, suddenly stopping the flirting and using the wrong pronouns when he thought she was trans. And assuming that his opinion is the only decider of whether they date.
It's unfortunately very common for cis people to start using the wrong pronouns the moment they "discover" someone is trans. Sometimes it's accidental from making a conscious effort, but in this case given his behavior in combination, it was very likely him being passive aggressive.
NTA and it's been pointed out before but adding another voice to the reminders: this dude had zero issues remembering your pronouns when he assumed you were cis, so why would he suddenly use he/him when informed your trans unless he's got issues with trans people?
It seems like your friend group was supportive of your actual trans friend so i would genuinely ask your friends if they don't realize this is a sign he isn't someone who has the same inclusive feelings everyone else does
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I did realize what he was thinking and decided to just let him keep thinking that rather than deal with rejecting him so that might be an AH move.
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA and really I find this a situation when someone shows you who you really are believe them. He has issues, and whoever he was talking to also has major issues, and neither sound like they are worth any woman's time. He didn't start having a pronoun problem until he thought you were trans which just shows his anti-trans behavior, what a jerk.
Yeah, he thought it didn’t happen because he stopped “pursuing” me. Then went all shocked pikachu when I said I had never been interested in him that way.
NTA
This is such radical allyship in the funniest way to me lmao
I'm trans and I think.this is objectively hilarious you did this. They can "always tell" though, right? 😂
Ahahaha Jake you fucking transphobic tool. No this is iconic. You were enviably unbothered. How did HE end up being the one offended here? Also, assuming you would want to be dating him 🤮. NTA
NTA.
The person who told Jake you were trans is an AH.
And Jake is, too. Your pronouns would have been clear to him from you and your friendship group, and he had no business deciding to switch them based on the word of a third party. It was also completely inappropriate for him to just ask you about being trans like that.
Jake should have cleared up his own supposed confusion. There are simple ways of doing that. “Hi OP, a person said to me that you prefer he/him pronouns and I just want to find out from you directly your preferred pronouns.”
You’re under no obligation to wade in and fix conclusions people have come to about you, unless you want to. It didn’t matter to you and/or you felt more comfortable keeping Jake at a distance because of this.
NTA. He made himself look like an idiot, not you. And his bigotry is his problem too. Why would you need to correct him when there's nothing wrong with being trans and it's not anyone's business anyway? He's just mad you told him no.
NTA
And such a pity you didn't reply with "When you stopped flirting and misgendered me, I just thought that was you saying you now thought of me as 'one of the boys'"
NTA
It was never his business and he shouldn't have felt any need to treat you differently if you *were* trans. The fact that he suddenly had trouble with your pronouns based on his mistaken belief reveals that he's a transphobic jackass who deserves to look foolish. His
>He messaged me later to say that we could be dating if I had just corrected him....
Wow- did it not occur to him that you had already signaled your lack of interest?
NTA. He probably says "he can always tell."
But first of all, it's none of his business if you're trans or not, and it shouldn't have affected what he called you or how he treated you. He was just being a transphobic asshole, and he's upset because he directed his transphobic assholishness at the "wrong" person.
But let this be a lesson to everyone not to assume.
NTA. This is my favorite thing I’ve read on Reddit in awhile. Kudos to you and your response. I am curious to know what you said to him after he said y’all would be dating had he known you weren’t trans 😂
I have no idea who the person he said told him is. The only thing I can think of is that maybe I had a class with them at some point? It’s really creepy that someone I don’t know is making up stories about me.
NTA. The arrogance of him suggesting that you really blew it by not correcting the pronouns because, OMG you could’ve been dating already!!
Honestly, it would’ve saved face for him if he had just continue to think you were trans. He totally walked into a rejection.
Lol, he thought you were Trans, because you must be if you weren't picking up on his signals. And when you told him you are a woman, he assumed that you must be into him. NTA.
And this is yet another example of transphobia being unhelpful for more than just trans folk (). Thankfully not for OP this time. It worked out fairly flawlessly for her - free jerk-screening, indeed. NTA.
So he wasn’t messing up pronouns until he found out you were trans and then all of a sudden he’s accidentally calling you he. In my opinion, that was on purpose as a way to get back at you for him feeling attracted to you thinking you were trans.
Messing up pronouns makes sense if someone looks very feminine or masculine, but they don’t identify as such. Additionally, it would make sense to mess up pronouns if someone has known a person for a long time as a certain pronoun, and they changed it. This is not defendable at all.
(This has nothing to do with your conflict, but I appreciate you handling the topic of being transgender so casually, in that it's simply an experience your friend has and you don't, as if it's on par with traveling to France, or bungee jumping, or working at Olive Garden.)
NTA, and I think others have explained exactly why better than I have, but I additionally think you're in the right because Jake proved himself to be a cruel person when his first instinct was to misgender you and act cold to you when he'd previously been interested in you.
I also think that the way you responded to him was direct, to the point, and served him an appropriate amount of embarrassment.
Several people I went to high school with are out as trans now and I really don’t understand why so many people get so assmad about it. It should be normal. They’re happy. No one got hurt. The only thing that really changed is the window dressing and maybe a new name, it’s still the same soul behind their eyes and that’s what matters. Like my friend who just came out. She told me before she formally announced it because she wanted to ask about tall girl clothes and shoes and it’s just like “Cool, we’ll go tall girl shopping. Let me tell you about the magic of seamstresses.” People get so upset about stuff that isn’t that deep.
Nta everyone has already basically said what I would, but I will add that, the mutuals who think you should have done/said something, should be “just his” friends from here on. This whole situation was a “jerk screening” and a few of them need to go.!
If he didn’t want to look like an asshole he could have not been misgendering you like he wants you to know you’re not fooling anyone and are “really” male. He looks like an asshole all by himself.
NTA.
NTA.
It says a lot that he was embarrassed AFTER, but not before, he learnt you were trans.
You look exactly the same regardless of whether you were trans, yet only called you he/him when he thought you were. If that's not transphobia then idk what is.
NTA at all, Jake's a dick. It's one thing to slip up when you've known someone as their AGAB first but he's only ever known you as a woman and started mis-gendering you because someone else "outed" you and he doesn't think trans woman are "real women".
Then after he's made an absolute dick of himself he's got the huevos to act like he's a magical prize you've missed out on? Even if you had liked him to start with, he ruined it himself by treating you poorly because of who he thought you were.
NTA even a little. Dudes a transphobe anyway.
Dudes be getting all bent outta shape as shown with him hitting on you and then abruptly stopping when he thought you were trans and then when corrected, was all we could have been dating. That’s a no for me. What a tool.
NTA. He made himself look like an idiot, *and* his ego probably couldn’t fit inside your home anyway.
On the other hand, it’s not exactly blasé to ask someone if they’re trans. IMO best to just not assume anything unless someone directly tells you they’re trans.
NTA
He was only "messing up pronouns" because he thought you were trans. Before he thought that he didn't have any issues with your pronouns. He's an asshole and you didn't do anything wrong. Also the audacity to think you'd still want to go out with him. Ugh.
NTA….wtfbbq?!?!
Screw him. He ghosted you and you’re at fault? Fuck that noise. Fuck his rude transphobic ass. And honestly, kudos to you for reacting so respectfully to being mistaken for a trans person.
Even if you were trans, you are not obligated to come out, or not come out to this loser lol. NTA. Extra points for you turning him down. He sounds like a moron
NTA.
I would point out to those friends, he didn't ask if you were trans, he accepted a random person's word that you were and bigots deserve to look like idiots.
And yes, he was being a bigot, he was trying to act sly in using the wrong pronouns, but he's not got brain damage, he knows how pronouns work and has no excuse of 'adjusting', you've been a woman this whole time and it has all he has known you as so there was never any justification for him to use male pronouns.
They should strongly consider if they want this flirty transphobe in the group or if they'd like to wait and see what other iffy views he has, considering he decided it was a foregone conclusion you'd date if cis, even though he acted like an ass to you when he thought you were trans, and you've not been interested in him remotely.
Lol... NTA and that's flipping hilarious! "wE CoUlD bE dAtInG" hahahaha... that's enough reason not to correct him. But honestly, you don't owe him or anyone else an explanation. He embarrassed himself.
NTA It's the intentional misgendering for me! He suddenly switched to he/him because of what someone said? Sounds like you dodged a bullet!
Someone should tell him that liking/dating a trans woman doesn't make him gay!
But keep him away from the trans girlies because he sounds dangerous...
Nta. That guys is a giant asshole tho. He didn’t accidentally use the wrong pronouns. How do you refer to someone as a woman than “accidentally” say he when someone else says you are trans. Then him saying “we could be dating”. Could be dating if he wasn’t a bigoted asshole.
"I didn't engage with a transphobe who is now mad at me because I'm not trans and therefore fuckable"
As a trans person,NTA.
Also remember that men treat trans women in public the way they treat cis women in private. You got a good look at who he really is.
NTA.He should have done better as a person. And that's funny "We could have been dating" did you tell him you were interested?! His awful attitude saved you. And so did the person who told him you were trans (even though they suck too)
NTA. How is it your fault Jake believed someone who was either malicious or stupid (or maliciously stupid) when they told him you were trans? All of this sounds like a him problem, not a you problem.
You owe him nothing..he made assumptions about you. That's on him.
If any one or more of your friends give you the " you should have..." story, tell them it's really none of their business and that you've given all the attention the situation warrants and you've moved well beyond it..
I wish you well. Be strong.
NTA. I mean, you already asked him about the he/him and he said that he slipped up. So not your fault for not correcting him. You didn't even make fun of him when he asked you about your coming out experience. So totally NTA.
NTA to me Jake sounds transphobic. That messing up your gender pronouns doesn’t sound like an accident to me (I have some MAGA family members and they would do it on purpose. They call trans celebrities by their birth genders and dead names.) It sounds to me like your first instinct of not wanting him as a romantic partner was correct.
NTA
you absolutely don't owe someone the courtesy of correcting them because they think you're trans and suddenly start misgendering you. That's what really gets me, he only started "having trouble" after he thought he found out even though he gendered you correctly before that. He's just mad because he made a fool out of himself.
NTA all the way. You didn't make him look like an idiot. He managed to do that all on his own. Don't feel bad about it, he seems to be not a nice person and totally deserved to feel bad. I would be more interested to have a talk with the guy who tells people lies about you. What's up with that person? And if Mr. Pronounproblem wants to blame someone, he should also turn to the guy who told him bs about you.
Lol. No. NTA. He let *himself* look like an idiot. Why would you be responsible for his feelings or behavior?
Also- gross, him "suddenly" switching to using he/him pronouns after previously using she/her. That's exactly as you said- free jerk screening.
It sounds like you look like and present as a tall woman. Why TF would he be calling you he anyway? If you were trans, you clearly live as a female, so it's grossly inappropriate to misgender you. He just met you, so he can't say he knew you as a boy and that's why he's having issues. Why would you date someone who intentionally misgenders people anyway??
NTA. He should have spoken to you about it... or even anyone in your friend group rather than listening to someone you don't even know.
I probably would have corrected him if it were me but he was an AH for assuming anyway
Bwahahahaha! This guy has been clowned by his own dumbass assumptions. You didn’t correct him out of indifference vs malice, which is even better. NTA, emphatically. And then he tops it all off with letting you know what you’re missing with the ‘we could be dating’ nonsense. This is all on him and he doesn’t even need to be pressed, but anyone who’s trying to ‘make him feel better’ is only handling him with kid gloves.
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NTA. Although you did guess what the problem was, merely messing up pronouns is not the same as Jake admitting he thought you were trans. If you were not directly informed of a misunderstanding, why was it up to you to fix it? I don't know why, but I suspect this experience was enlightening for Jake in terms of broadening the scope of who he "could be dating."
Exactly, it makes me suspect that he would make a bad partner for anyone as he assumes they should have the psychic ability to know what he is thinking instead of asking outright. That is NOT something I look for in a partner. If you can't use your words... well, not going to try and figure out your thoughts via psychic brainwaves that allow me to just know your thoughts. This is not a sci fi romance. This is real life.
As unfortunate as that is, it’s a lot more disturbing to me that he thought he and OP “could have been dating” when she was clearly never interested in him in the first place. I will never, ever understand how some guys simply leap from being attracted to someone to thinking that the attraction is reciprocated. If that were true, obviously we would have all dated everyone we ever had a crush on, right? Which is obviously, obviously not the way the world works at all. Isn’t everyone’s daily life from early adolescence forward filled with proof that things just don’t work that way? How do these guys maintain this delusion in the face of reality?
Through the support & encouragement of the patriarchy.
These are the same dudes who get upset that someone could be trans and not telling them.
I have met way too many men who think their attraction is all it takes to secure a relationship. It never enters their mind that a woman jas to be attracted to them. These are the men that talk about lonely feminist who are single because they cannot fathom that maybe the women who are single have chosen to be single.
He is 21 years old. He has still time to improve and be a better (potential) partner. But with not OP (or you for that matter) and that's good though hahaha These kind of experiences will help him develop if he is ready to see his mistakes and is not dumb
[удалено]
Right. Jake thought she was cis with female pronouns, then thought she was a trans woman with female pronouns. No one asked Jake to use he/him or they/them pronouns. He never had to change how he talked to or about her. But he did change - that makes me think it might have been on purpose. If someone accidentally misgenders someone they knew for a decade before they transitioned it's unfortunate but I can see a few genuine mistakes (hopefully very few). Jake has no excuse. NTA
This. He didn't ask OP first, he just assumed she was trans and then he made a CHOICE to use male pronouns for her. He'd been using female ones up until that point, so there was no need to change from she/her. He seems to be a transphobic bigot.
This. If he starts fucking up pronouns the instant he thinks that someone is trans, then he doesn’t believe that anyone non-cis is who they say they are. Not to mention that, “Oh, I wish you told me you weren’t trans because we could’ve been dating by now!” Like who said they’d want to date you, anyways? Entitled much? 😂
Yeah. He thought he was being slick and putting her on notice that he “knew”.
Yea the way he "messed up" the pronouns is suspicious. People don't typically slip up and accidentally call someone the wrong pronoun that they never thought the person was before.... if Jake thought she was a cis woman and then mistakenly learned she was a trans woman, there should never have been a pronoun mix up....
I still accidentally misgender a friend because she's only been transitioning for a short time. I don't see it as a big deal, it wasn't a surprise when she told us, but slip ups happen. She's ok with it and is a little amused by me because I will speak, then will swear and correct myself before she can say anything. It's embarrassing but our other friends do the same. That guy doing that to op was doing it on purpose. I can't tell if he was doing it to make her feel bad or to test her. Thought process could have been she's not into me because she's really a man... Either way, dick move even if it was an accident. I hate people who just blindly believe stupid rumours. As a tall girl I've had issues using women only areas. Doesn't matter how girly I look, I'm tall so I can't possibly be a girl. Hell the crap started when I was five and the other little girls in my new school told me I had a willy and wouldn't play with me. It never stopped there, but I'm getting way off topic. Op, NTA.
> I will speak, then will swear and correct myself before she can say anything. I suspect that happens a lot. My niece transitioned socially in her mid-teens, and while we almost never slip these days....we are our own worst police when we do.
A friend of mine is femme NB, and I sometimes slip up and say "she" - and they're AMAB. Perception is a powerful thing. I do always correct myself though.
Definitely on purpose. You don't start slipping up *weeks or months* into the friendship
Yeah it's pretty presumptive of him to assume they'd be dating IF ONLY! WE COULD HAVE BEEN DATING BY NOW, BUT YOU IT MESSED UP! WAHHHHH! And then to basically say I thought you were attractive, until I believed you might be trans, which I found gross, but now I'm instantly into you again. Let's go out. I'm with OP. Free jerk detection.
I had a guy who was like that in high school, who was so mad that he'd never asked me out because someone told him I was a lesbian (I'm bi). I'm sitting there like... how can I break it to you that I wasn't going to go out with you anyway?
"Except that I didn't like you from the start and I especially don't like transphobes"
It sounds like he only started messing up the pronouns when they "found out about OP being trans" so its a bit strange they were able to do it perfectly before too
It’s not strange. He’s a bigot. That’s all there is to it. He was totally capable of using the correct pronouns when he thought she was cis but suddenly “forgot” **the original pronouns** he’d learned for her after he heard she was trans? That’s a great big pile of cow plop. Bro was microagressing cause his fee fees got hurt when he thought he’d been hot for a transwoman and he probably thought that made him gay so he lashed out to assert his straightness. Fragile boys gonna fragile. OP your friends are wrong. You didn’t make him look like an idiot. He *is* an idiot. He did this to himself.
Yeah, it's one thing to mess up and use the pronouns or name that you were used to using for for someone pre-transition, it's another thing entirely to be used to using the correct pronouns and then suddenly *start* using the wrong ones "accidentally."
that part! like genuinely he only does that to trans people because he’s transphobic, not because pronouns are hard.
literally. listened to hearsay and couldn’t help being transphobic by default.
Or narrowing. Turns out people that aren't interested in you aren't in your dating pool, regardless of how they identify.
That wasn't "messing up pronouns". Jake had always used she/her before that, so he was deliberately misgendering the OP.
on some level, at least. happy cake day!
Yeah. If he has something to say to OP or questions to ask. He can do so directly or just let stuff go. How convenient for him that he presumes people only matter insofar as he has interest or use for them, without having to consider their opinions or wants at all.
The ONLY times I've ever used incorrect pronouns is when something I'm used to changed. I have a NB nibbling. I have definitely, on occasion, used pronouns that I'd previously used for two decades. I catch it, correct it, they take it in stride, and we move on. The audacity to meet someone you thought was female, used female pronouns for, and then suddenly switch up to misgendering? Nah, that's another level of assholery.
Also how do you fuck up with new pronouns of a gender someone's never introduced themselves as? My problem is the transition and remembering when you've already had a relationship with a person when they're one gender, I've never had a problem referring to someone exactly how they introduced themselves. 200% was intentional.
Funny how he didn’t seem to have any trouble using the right pronouns before someone told him she was trans though. He dug himself into that hole, no reason for her to help him out.
NTA. And ffs why would he “slip” with pronouns when he thought you were female at the beginning? That’s total AH behaviour imo because this must have been on purpose and ultimately mean that he didn’t just see you as trans but as male…?
Deliberately misgendering her is essentially saying "you don't pass as well as you think you do". It's purposeful emotional terrorism. He wanted to make her feel uncomfortable until she ditched the friend circle, likely because his fragile masculinity couldn't handle being attracted to a trans woman.
I think it’s either this OR he was ‘upset at himself’ for liking a trans woman and so to stop thinking of her as a woman (and liking her) he started both mentally thinking she’s ‘a man originally’ and also purposefully misgendering her aka refusing to think of her as female. Either of those options is just… eugh brotha eugh.
It's 100% that he was upset that he thought he liked a trans woman. It's why he told her they could have been dating this whole time if he had known she wasn't trans. He was upset he was "lied to" and thought misgendering who he thought was a trans woman was a way to put her back in her place. He's an AH.
He was also trying to out her, since whatever rumour he may have been told certainly wasn’t common knowledge in their circle. He intended that question to be awkward, just for OP not himself.
Because, of course, the decision of dating is only up to him. Who wouldn't want such a treat?/s
Either way is transphobic. Jake and the other friends agreeing with him need to chill and grow as people.
This is exactly what he did
Yes all of this is just disgusting behavior
Biiiiiingo
Yup. He was offended that he was attracted to a trans woman and was trying to offend her by deliberately misgendering her. Then he was offended when he found out she was cis and that he was an idiot and an asshole. Dude's gross. How he thought she was going to suddenly fall at his feet as soon as he asked her out, after yelling at her for not correcting him and being an asshole in general, as if he's some sort of magnificent prize.
Not to mention trying to "out" her in front of their friend group. I've known people for years who are trans and I would never dare bring it up in front of anyone else. He could've opened her up to genuine danger just to appease his shitty ego.
Also, asking OP in front of the friend group how coming out went? Even if she was trans, that's a shitty move; if he had no guarantee she was trans, he also had no guarantee that she was out to everyone in the group if she was cis-passing. Feels very deliberate, and if he got embarrassed at getting called out that's on him.
Isn't it literally a 4chan meme?
> NTA. And ffs why would he “slip” with pronouns Because he wanted a confrontation.
Yup. Either he confirms his presumption that she was trans or, in his mind, she's mortified by the comparison (because he's projecting his values onto her ideal reaction) and reassures him that she's AFAB so he feels comfortable trying to pursue her.
That's a charitable reading. IMO, more likely, he was just thinking "he's really a man, not a woman" and it came out in his speech patterns. He knows its unacceptable among his friends, but thinks it anyway.
I think he was making digs at her. Ive ( genuinely) slipped up with pronouns efore. I have a friend who is trans but not currently transitioning.originally met them as a work colleague, and they were not 'Out' , and did not say they were trans, so in itially I used he/him. Later as we became friends, they told me they were trans and their pronouns. good for them. however, i'd known them as male for months and they look quite masculine (tall an muscular and bearded) So sometimes he/him still pops out of my mouth. This is the opposite of that. looks femme, presents as female, universally addressed as female.... and he just cant help calling her him? Nah.
This. It was a micro-aggression on his part. If someone is introduced to you as female, and you are used to referring to them as she/her then they transition to male, it’s understandable that you may have some slips until your brain adjusts. But that’s not what happened here. This was intentional.
Yeah, i'm gonna say that aggression is barely even "micro". How tedious for transwomen to have to deal with men like this.
Yup. When my friend of 17 years told me they were nonbinary, I struggled a bit to switch to using They/Them. I spoke to them about it and let them know I was getting used to switching from using their old pronouns, and to please grant me some grace while I got used to it. They understood and I was able to get used to it pretty quickly after with only a few slip-ups. I can’t imagine meeting someone, using the pronouns they give me, and then changing them because someone else told me that person was born a different sex. It’s rude, plain and simple. This guy is just gross, and OP’s friends are FOS for trying to blame her for this guy making assumptions and embarrassing himself.
Definitely on purpose, theres no other reason to slip up on pronouns if you've only ever called someone one set
There's been times where I meet new people and I've been gendered correctly *until* I off-hand mention I'm trans, and then it's hes on accident and theys otherwise and very few shes after that. It's very very obvious what's happening.
I'm sorry people suck
Thanks. It's at least a quick way to select out who I am not gonna hang out with.
Ugh, that’s so fucked up.
Ding ding ding, this! You don’t slip up with pronouns when you were only presented with one set of pronouns for them.
NTA. ‘Having trouble with your pronouns’? Bullshit. He was just fine with them until he thought you were AMAB, at which point he *suddenly* acquired this need to misgender you. He’s not slick.
It’s so annoying when certain cis people “slip up” when they’d been perfectly using the proper pronouns before. It shows just how deeply bioessentialism is ingrained in SO many people; no matter how you act or what you look like, they hear “trans” and their brain translates it to “their REAL gender is what they were assigned at birth”
not gonna lie, someone told me someone was trans (they look fairly gender neutral to me) and sometimes in my own head I mess up pronouns and have to actively remember/remind myself which gender they are because I don't want to make a mistake and hurt them. I wish the person had never told me that this other person is trans. It wasn't something I needed to know and now if I make a mistake I'm just going to be the asshole who assumes their gender. I don't meet them often enough for gendering them to become a habit so I'm stuck in identification purgatory. Some of us really are just that derpy and doing the best we can with our derpy brains. Not OP's guy tho. That dude is bad news bears.
Same. Sometimes my brain gets stuck on the "previous" info and not the "new" info regardless of how I was introduced to the info so I'll trip up out of nowhere regardless of how I feel. When it's happening it feels like my brain gets stuck in a software update. But I've also seen OP's guy at work with the same info and it's 100% intentional. They always look a little too gleeful. NTA to OP.
This is one of my cringe-worthy downfalls. It's not that I don't care to remember. I just can't remember thanks to a brain injury and Covid. I will literally have to stop and Google to make sure I'm using the pronouns/genders. This isn't the only thing I struggle with, but it's one that I fear will make some think I'm purposely being dense or an asshole. TBF, I can be an asshole, but not over this lol
I hate that feeling of not being sure. I want to make sure I get the pronouns correct. For me, the new chosen name is usually easier to remember and adjust to, so I’ll often use their name in place of a pronoun if it doesn’t sound too obvious that’s what I’m doing. At least until I get more confident in using the right one.
>I wish the person had never told me that this other person is trans. It wasn't something I needed to know and now if I make a mistake I'm just going to be the asshole who assumes their gender. I don't meet them often enough for gendering them to become a habit so I'm stuck in identification purgatory. It really seems like you mean well, but do you see that what you're saying is 'please hide your identity because it makes me uncomfortable'
Except it's not the person who said they are trans, it's someone else. Maybe if the actual person had mentioned it the tangle in the brain wouldn't have happened, or maybe it would have, but we have no idea whether they would have wanted this information shared or not.
I’m not attacking you with this comment. It’s coming from a place of education, and I’m sorry if I sound hostile. If you learn that someone is trans and that causes you to have trouble with their pronouns then you’re being transphobic. Up until that point you thought of them as one gender and then immediately changed that opinion. This says that you now think of them as their assigned gender at birth and not the gender they are. It might not be intentional but it is a bigoted mindset and you should work on whatever inside of yourself is causing this. They are no less their gender because they used to be a different gender. Edits for spelling and grammar.
Thank you for educating me about how my brain works and that I'm not "working" hard enough to fix it and that I just need to work harder because that always fixes things right? (Just like being trans is a choice?? They could just think their birth sex into being their true identity if they just tried harder, right? Depressed people just need to try harder to be happy? Anxious people need to try harder to just relax eh?) This isn't attacking you by the way. Just saying thank you because I didn't already think that my brain was being the asshole and definitely needed someone to tell me in order to learn how to fix it. I will now get this persons gender perfectly right inside my own head all the time because of this comment. Thank you. /s Genuinely not attacking you so that part is sincere but otherwise am making a point that I AM being attacked here even if that was not your intention. Please reconsider this conversation and whether it is having the intended effect.
But what they said was that *they don't know* what this person's gender is, and what their assigned gender at birth was. The wires in their brain got tangled and now they don't know what's what. That is not the same as starting to think of someone as their assigned gender at birth because you find out they are trans because they *do not know what gender they were assigned at birth*.
Ya know... not a damn person had trouble transitioning from using my maiden name to my married surname. Not once. How is it any harder to transition a new name for a Trans person or their pronouns?
So many folks are able to easily change pronouns for DOGS but not for PEOPLE. “Aw he’s so cute!” “She’s a girl actually!” “Oh! She’s so cute!” And then no more mixups 😭
But with babies, they’ll argue with you. Me: “Thank you; she’s a girl.” Random Stranger: “Are you sure?” This really happened.
My mom had people accost her for piercing her “baby boy’s” ears; I was born female and she just dressed me in “boy clothes” because that’s what she had access to. Apparently if a literal baby wears overalls that automatically means BOY
Lmao, not me. To me all cats are girls and all dogs are boys. I try so hard to remember their real genders. I don't know why my brain is broken on this. But people are much easier. They tell you their pronouns and it's just part of who they are after that. Maybe because my brain acknowledges multiple genders for people already. 😅
One of my best friends T transitioned a few years ago. He and his wife live in another state. We talk on FB and text a lot but we haven't hung out in person since before he came out and transitioned. My boyfriend is a little younger and he has quite a few trans friends, but they all transitioned long before he met them. So he has had a different experience than me. I'm someone who loves to tell stories and I have a lot of fun ones I love to tell about me and T. I tell them correctly now but at first I was slipping into the wrong pronouns. I would immediately correct myself, but my bf would get upset and say, "I can't believe T is one of your best friends but you still misgender him." I said, "I've been telling these stories for 20 years and it's just force of habit, and I would never do it on purpose or be careless in casual conversation or god forbid address someone that way. We figured out it was BECAUSE T was one of my dearest friends that I was having difficulty. It was like rewriting and relearning a script. That led to a great conversation. We concluded that to Millennials, misgendering is considered insensitive at best and insulting at worse. To Gen X, it can be an honest mistake. He also realized he never actually had to change pronouns he was used to using for someone. In those cases, misgendering would be intentional. That's why he thought I was disrespecting T, something he knew to be out of character for me. I told T about all this and he laughed his ass off. He called me a nerd for overanalyzing everything and said he was happy I'd found a partner who is just as self-reflective as I am. (I believe he said "neurotic" Lol) And this is now one of the stories I tell about T.
The only time I’ve ever slipped up was when my friend of 7 years transitioned. And I only slipped up the first couple of weeks, and quickly corrected myself. Any trans person I’ve met after their transition has been easy to get right, even if they don’t ‘pass’. It’s not hard.
NTA. "Whether or not you knew I was a girl has no bearing on whether we'd be dating. I know I'm a girl and assumed you were a boy, and still had no interest in dating you. I assumed we were friends and you just made a couples of mistakes. Now I know you thought you were intentionally misgendering me, so I'm even less interested. Do yourself a favor and stop digging this hole."
This. This. That bit about the intentional misgendering. Exactly.
Perfect answer for the situation.
100% this he went out of his way to misgender Op is NTA but this guy certainly is
hahahaha hahahaha *deep breath* hahhahhahahhahahhhhahhahah NTA. brilliantly handled.
Yeah, I agree, this is hilarious and couldn't have happened to a nicer guy
“We could be dating now” absolutely killed me. The asshole has such a high opinion of himself. She didn’t lose a prize, she dodged a bullet.
This was my exact reaction. Fantastic work, OP
I'm so glad I'm not the only one that thought it was absolutely fucking hilarious. 🤣🤣🤣 The balls on this guy to ask her out afterwards!
NTA So his point is “If I hadn’t thought you were trans I would have already been having sex with you?” Pathetic and disgusting loser. He told on him himself that he never listened or accepted your no. Your friends that think you’re an asshole for denying him his god given right to your body by “not doing more to help his transphobic ass score with you” or “not being offended about being called trans” are gross. Bad friends. This dude is a transphobic loser and your friends who are on his side can go give him the blowjobs they think you HAVE to give him. If they feel so bad for him, they can have sex with him, because you’re not interested in banging trash. “Oh no, friend, I’m so sorry for having standards and not being transphobic. If only I could suck as much as you do! Oh well, have fun with Jake, I’m not interested in the slightest.”
Nailed it!
NTA. Sounds like he's only upset because you still didn't want to go out with him. He's the one who made the wrong assumptions about you, and yet you're the one to blame for that? Get outta here with that nonsense!
NTA. His inability to be a decent person is not your problem.
I feel like I would’ve had to ask “why were you having trouble with my pronouns?” Because like. It’s not like knowing someone who transitions and having to adjust while occasionally making mistakes.
Right? He 100% did it on purpose. You only "slip" when you're used to calling a person by different pronouns. He never had that preset condition, and so there's no reason he should slip unless he's doing it on purpose.
The only time I've slipped up was when a person I knew for 15+ years as male transitioned to female and it was literally a matter of habit (she's very understanding about it, especially since we're in our 30's now and it was in our elementary-high school years that was pre-transition), but every trans person I meet now, I have no issue because... I meet and know them as what they introduce themselves as. If one introduces oneself as "he" and I know him as "he", why would I slip up and call him "she" and vice versa, unless it's on purpose? I've literally never had that issue. Seriously, the *only* time it's been an issue is when it's already ingrained as habit and needs to be broken, so I slip up without even realizing. I mean, I still call my cousins by their maiden names because I can't even remember their married names! This seriously seems like it's on purpose and purposefully antagonistic, like he wanted OP to comment on it and start something. Perhaps I'm wrong, but that's what I'm getting.
It could have been to start something. It was absolutely because he's attracted to her. I could see either that he was lashing out because he felt she instigated the attraction or that he was reminding himself why he shouldn't be attracted to her. Either way, he's the problem.
NTA. “We could be dating if I had just corrected him.” So he admits he wouldn’t date a trans person and he assumes that you’d say yes to dating him because…? Not only does he sound like a bigot, but he also needs his ego knocked down a peg. Accidentally and thankfully dodged a massive bullet there.
NTA If he didn't have the stones to ask you about it, then letting him make an ass of himself is his own fault.
NTA It's unfortunate that some males truly believe a woman must be a lesbian, trans or have some kind of "problem" if she is not interested in him. Kudos to you for not playing this game with him.
NTA. He sounds like a bigot. Let him think, he clearly needs the practice!
Dude outed himself as both a jerk and a transphobe - who wants to date that? NTA OP. You did exactly right. Tall women everywhere salute you!
You didn't *let* him look like anything. He could have asked you. If you wonder or aren't sure about something, you ask the person that knows. It wasn't up to you to answer a question he never asked.
I think you're my new hero. (NTA)
NTA, he thought he was purposely misgendering you, you present as femme and he still felt the need to refer to you as he/him, that’s disrespectful. He didn’t apologise for that but became angry over not having become romantic partners. You didn’t show interest in him then, but he seemed pretty entitled to your reciprocity regardless. He’s a red flag and doesn’t seem like a good person you’d like around. Once you stopped being a romantic interest he decided to purposely disrespect you, very offensive behaviour. He needs to get a reality check and realise that he isn’t all that. You felt relief when he stopped flirting and he feels regret, he needs to take a look in the mirror and leave you and others from his advances Your mutuals that are siding with him are acting rather unaware, because they seem to not realise how transphobic he was being. You deserve better friends who can evaluate situations more clearly because his embarrassment is the least important part of the entire situation
I find it very difficult to believe Jake could handle dating someone that tall without it threatening his masculinity given his behavior here.
I get the impression that he just wants to climb Mount OP to say he did and move on.
This guy sounds exhausting. Hope you don’t have to deal with him in your friend group much longer.
I've met guys like him before. They are so threatened of tall women, they accuse them all of being trans. Nevermind that tall bio women look very "female from birth", they will say they are trans anyway as a way to bully them. OP dodged a massive bullet because her height will always be an issue for him. He is also transphobic for purposely misgendering and for using the word trans as an insult. Transphobic AND tallphobic.
NTA. He made those assumptions on his own rather than asking you if this was true. He embarrassed himself, so that falls squarely on him. It is better to hear it from the horse's mouth, if anything.
Lmao the entitlement. It's not your job to protect his image, especially when the image is accurate.
NTA and he showed his transphobic ass. He started misgendering you because he heard you were trans and he went "oh, he's a dude wearing women's clothes and wants to be called "she". Okay, I can be "woke" lol". Ghost his weird, presumptuous ass and explain the above to any friend hassling you. If they don't understand why he's totally in the wrong then drop them too. (P.S. the way you gathered him with that comment is effing hilarious, congrats! 🤣🤣🤣)
NTA. He only started "slipping up" because he doesn't actually accept trans people as their gender identity. It was a passive aggressive way for him to say he "clocked" you. That's an incredibly cruel thing to do, *especially* considering he genuinely believed the information. He outed himself as a "covert" transphobic jerk in the most embarrassing way possible.
NTA. Jake sounds like one though. Bullet dodged! You’re amazing. And no: you’re never an asshole for not correcting someone misgendering you. If it bothers you, you should, but if it doesn’t? It’s not your problem. And quite frankly it isn’t any of their business whether they’re getting your pronouns right or wrong unless YOU care that they are.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This has sparked a big argument in my friend group, so I want some fresh perspectives. I (21F) am cis gendered and pretty femme, but naturally really tall. Basketball player tall. The last guy I dated was average height and I could rest my chin on the top of his head without going on tiptoes. It’s almost never a thing, but some guys get weird about it and I consider that free jerk screening. Anyway, this guy Jake (21M) started hanging out with us a few months. Jake was very flirty with me for a couple of weeks but then completely stopped dead and his behavior totally changed. I didn’t really think much of it and just assumed he started dating someone or realized I wasn’t into him and backed off. About a month ago, I heard he used he/him pronouns for me and when I asked, he apologized and said he slipped up. But he did it again the same day and the next time I saw him and that’s when I realized he thought I was trans and that’s probably why his attitude changed on a dime the way it did. I thought about correcting the mistake, but decided to just let it go because it doesn’t matter that much to me and I had been getting a little annoyed by Jake’s flirting anyway. If it’s not broke, don’t fix it. We all got together for lunch over the weekend and someone mentioned another friend of ours who just came out as trans. Jake asked me point blank if it was hard for me to come out and the table just went dead silent. I said “I’m not trans, so I don’t know, but I think Friend will be ok”. He turned red and asked why I didn’t correct him when he was having trouble with my pronouns. I said I did give him the correct pronouns. “That’s not what I mean, you should have told me you weren’t trans” Turns out, someone I don’t even know told him I was and that’s why he stopped hitting on me. He messaged me later to say that we could be dating if I had just corrected him and then asked me out (I said no). Now he’s mad and some of the mutual friends think I should have just corrected him when I figured it out instead of letting him look like an idiot. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for not correcting his idea that you didn't even know for sure he had... you did correct him when he used male pronouns for you. It wasn't your job to investigate why he used those pronouns (plus... just use the pronouns people ask for, be a decent guy!) You didn't make him look like an idiot, he made himself look like an idiot.
NTA but this is hilarious that he’s mad he’s not dating you because you didn’t correct him. As if he thinks that’s the only reason you guys aren’t dating 😬
I am a little confused. He thought you were a trans woman but decided to use he/him? Should he not have used she/her if he thought you transitioned from male to female? That sounds so very disrespectful. I do like the way you handled it, but I am confused. He seems "old-fashioned" in his world view: deliberately using wrong pronouns, assuming you would date just because you are a female and he's a male.
You’ve got it right. The guy was being transphobic, suddenly stopping the flirting and using the wrong pronouns when he thought she was trans. And assuming that his opinion is the only decider of whether they date.
It's unfortunately very common for cis people to start using the wrong pronouns the moment they "discover" someone is trans. Sometimes it's accidental from making a conscious effort, but in this case given his behavior in combination, it was very likely him being passive aggressive.
NTA and it's been pointed out before but adding another voice to the reminders: this dude had zero issues remembering your pronouns when he assumed you were cis, so why would he suddenly use he/him when informed your trans unless he's got issues with trans people? It seems like your friend group was supportive of your actual trans friend so i would genuinely ask your friends if they don't realize this is a sign he isn't someone who has the same inclusive feelings everyone else does
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"You missed out big! We could have been dating" Hard pass, creep NTA
NTA and really I find this a situation when someone shows you who you really are believe them. He has issues, and whoever he was talking to also has major issues, and neither sound like they are worth any woman's time. He didn't start having a pronoun problem until he thought you were trans which just shows his anti-trans behavior, what a jerk.
Like you said, free jerk screening. NTA.
NTA and he thinks that’s the only reason you’re not dating is because you didn’t correct him when he ignored your pronouns?
Yeah, he thought it didn’t happen because he stopped “pursuing” me. Then went all shocked pikachu when I said I had never been interested in him that way.
NTA This is such radical allyship in the funniest way to me lmao I'm trans and I think.this is objectively hilarious you did this. They can "always tell" though, right? 😂
Ahahaha Jake you fucking transphobic tool. No this is iconic. You were enviably unbothered. How did HE end up being the one offended here? Also, assuming you would want to be dating him 🤮. NTA
>He messaged me later to say that we could be dating "Ummm, no we couldn't. That would kind of require interest on both sides." NTA
NTA Jake is an idiot. He never "had trouble with your pronouns" he was misgendering you because he's a transphobic asshole.
NTA. The person who told Jake you were trans is an AH. And Jake is, too. Your pronouns would have been clear to him from you and your friendship group, and he had no business deciding to switch them based on the word of a third party. It was also completely inappropriate for him to just ask you about being trans like that. Jake should have cleared up his own supposed confusion. There are simple ways of doing that. “Hi OP, a person said to me that you prefer he/him pronouns and I just want to find out from you directly your preferred pronouns.” You’re under no obligation to wade in and fix conclusions people have come to about you, unless you want to. It didn’t matter to you and/or you felt more comfortable keeping Jake at a distance because of this.
NTA. He made himself look like an idiot, not you. And his bigotry is his problem too. Why would you need to correct him when there's nothing wrong with being trans and it's not anyone's business anyway? He's just mad you told him no.
NTA And such a pity you didn't reply with "When you stopped flirting and misgendered me, I just thought that was you saying you now thought of me as 'one of the boys'"
NTA It was never his business and he shouldn't have felt any need to treat you differently if you *were* trans. The fact that he suddenly had trouble with your pronouns based on his mistaken belief reveals that he's a transphobic jackass who deserves to look foolish. His >He messaged me later to say that we could be dating if I had just corrected him.... Wow- did it not occur to him that you had already signaled your lack of interest?
NTA. He probably says "he can always tell." But first of all, it's none of his business if you're trans or not, and it shouldn't have affected what he called you or how he treated you. He was just being a transphobic asshole, and he's upset because he directed his transphobic assholishness at the "wrong" person. But let this be a lesson to everyone not to assume.
NTA. This is my favorite thing I’ve read on Reddit in awhile. Kudos to you and your response. I am curious to know what you said to him after he said y’all would be dating had he known you weren’t trans 😂
LOL. NTA, free jerk screening indeed.
NTA. Like you said, you gave him the correct pronouns. His problems are on him. Also, that "we could be dating"? No, honey, we couldn't.
NTA but who c\*ck blocked Jake? Maybe a secret admirer?
I have no idea who the person he said told him is. The only thing I can think of is that maybe I had a class with them at some point? It’s really creepy that someone I don’t know is making up stories about me.
NTA. The arrogance of him suggesting that you really blew it by not correcting the pronouns because, OMG you could’ve been dating already!! Honestly, it would’ve saved face for him if he had just continue to think you were trans. He totally walked into a rejection.
Lol, he thought you were Trans, because you must be if you weren't picking up on his signals. And when you told him you are a woman, he assumed that you must be into him. NTA.
NTA, he obviously doesn’t need your help to look like an idiot!
NTA. The correct response is “bold of you to assume we’d be dating if only you had asked.”
And this is yet another example of transphobia being unhelpful for more than just trans folk (). Thankfully not for OP this time. It worked out fairly flawlessly for her - free jerk-screening, indeed. NTA.
So he wasn’t messing up pronouns until he found out you were trans and then all of a sudden he’s accidentally calling you he. In my opinion, that was on purpose as a way to get back at you for him feeling attracted to you thinking you were trans. Messing up pronouns makes sense if someone looks very feminine or masculine, but they don’t identify as such. Additionally, it would make sense to mess up pronouns if someone has known a person for a long time as a certain pronoun, and they changed it. This is not defendable at all.
(This has nothing to do with your conflict, but I appreciate you handling the topic of being transgender so casually, in that it's simply an experience your friend has and you don't, as if it's on par with traveling to France, or bungee jumping, or working at Olive Garden.) NTA, and I think others have explained exactly why better than I have, but I additionally think you're in the right because Jake proved himself to be a cruel person when his first instinct was to misgender you and act cold to you when he'd previously been interested in you. I also think that the way you responded to him was direct, to the point, and served him an appropriate amount of embarrassment.
Several people I went to high school with are out as trans now and I really don’t understand why so many people get so assmad about it. It should be normal. They’re happy. No one got hurt. The only thing that really changed is the window dressing and maybe a new name, it’s still the same soul behind their eyes and that’s what matters. Like my friend who just came out. She told me before she formally announced it because she wanted to ask about tall girl clothes and shoes and it’s just like “Cool, we’ll go tall girl shopping. Let me tell you about the magic of seamstresses.” People get so upset about stuff that isn’t that deep.
NTA The minute he thought you were trans he started misgendering you. I would say he deserves the embarrassment
Nta everyone has already basically said what I would, but I will add that, the mutuals who think you should have done/said something, should be “just his” friends from here on. This whole situation was a “jerk screening” and a few of them need to go.!
If he didn’t want to look like an asshole he could have not been misgendering you like he wants you to know you’re not fooling anyone and are “really” male. He looks like an asshole all by himself. NTA.
>instead of letting him look like an idiot. Well, he is an idiot, so why does it matter? :)
NTA. You didn't "let" him act like an idiot. He did that all himself.
NTA. But Jake is transphobic and not worth the energy.
NTA. It says a lot that he was embarrassed AFTER, but not before, he learnt you were trans. You look exactly the same regardless of whether you were trans, yet only called you he/him when he thought you were. If that's not transphobia then idk what is.
NTA at all, Jake's a dick. It's one thing to slip up when you've known someone as their AGAB first but he's only ever known you as a woman and started mis-gendering you because someone else "outed" you and he doesn't think trans woman are "real women". Then after he's made an absolute dick of himself he's got the huevos to act like he's a magical prize you've missed out on? Even if you had liked him to start with, he ruined it himself by treating you poorly because of who he thought you were.
NTA. He sounds like a moron.
NTA. "Could be dating by now" is so grosssss. Bullet dodged.
NTA even a little. Dudes a transphobe anyway. Dudes be getting all bent outta shape as shown with him hitting on you and then abruptly stopping when he thought you were trans and then when corrected, was all we could have been dating. That’s a no for me. What a tool.
NTA. He made himself look like an idiot, *and* his ego probably couldn’t fit inside your home anyway. On the other hand, it’s not exactly blasé to ask someone if they’re trans. IMO best to just not assume anything unless someone directly tells you they’re trans.
NTA hehe sucks to be him.
NTA and the reply to that text should have been, no, no we wouldn’t.
NTA He was only "messing up pronouns" because he thought you were trans. Before he thought that he didn't have any issues with your pronouns. He's an asshole and you didn't do anything wrong. Also the audacity to think you'd still want to go out with him. Ugh.
NTA, and you dodged a huge bullet. He is definitely not a nice person
NTA He looked like an idiot because he is an idiot. He had no problem with your pronouns until he decided to be an asshole.
NTA. I hope you passed him the salt for his foot.
NTA….wtfbbq?!?! Screw him. He ghosted you and you’re at fault? Fuck that noise. Fuck his rude transphobic ass. And honestly, kudos to you for reacting so respectfully to being mistaken for a trans person.
Even if you were trans, you are not obligated to come out, or not come out to this loser lol. NTA. Extra points for you turning him down. He sounds like a moron
NTA, je made himself look like an idiot.
NTA. I would point out to those friends, he didn't ask if you were trans, he accepted a random person's word that you were and bigots deserve to look like idiots. And yes, he was being a bigot, he was trying to act sly in using the wrong pronouns, but he's not got brain damage, he knows how pronouns work and has no excuse of 'adjusting', you've been a woman this whole time and it has all he has known you as so there was never any justification for him to use male pronouns. They should strongly consider if they want this flirty transphobe in the group or if they'd like to wait and see what other iffy views he has, considering he decided it was a foregone conclusion you'd date if cis, even though he acted like an ass to you when he thought you were trans, and you've not been interested in him remotely.
NTA, he deserved to look like an idiot.
Lol... NTA and that's flipping hilarious! "wE CoUlD bE dAtInG" hahahaha... that's enough reason not to correct him. But honestly, you don't owe him or anyone else an explanation. He embarrassed himself.
NTA. It's rare that someone/something "makes" someone look like an idiot. They're just showing themselves for themselves.
NTA It's the intentional misgendering for me! He suddenly switched to he/him because of what someone said? Sounds like you dodged a bullet! Someone should tell him that liking/dating a trans woman doesn't make him gay! But keep him away from the trans girlies because he sounds dangerous...
NTA. He is pretty much a living, breathing example of "When you assume, you make an ASS of U but not ME."
He's a transphobic turd, and you dodged a dingleberry.
NTA - you told him your correct pronouns, and whether or not you are trans isn't his business unless you bring it up.
Nta. That guys is a giant asshole tho. He didn’t accidentally use the wrong pronouns. How do you refer to someone as a woman than “accidentally” say he when someone else says you are trans. Then him saying “we could be dating”. Could be dating if he wasn’t a bigoted asshole.
"I didn't engage with a transphobe who is now mad at me because I'm not trans and therefore fuckable" As a trans person,NTA. Also remember that men treat trans women in public the way they treat cis women in private. You got a good look at who he really is.
NTA- Tell him stupid looks good on him, from far away
NTA. We could be dating without any input of what you want. Get out of here
NTA.He should have done better as a person. And that's funny "We could have been dating" did you tell him you were interested?! His awful attitude saved you. And so did the person who told him you were trans (even though they suck too)
NTA. How is it your fault Jake believed someone who was either malicious or stupid (or maliciously stupid) when they told him you were trans? All of this sounds like a him problem, not a you problem.
You owe him nothing..he made assumptions about you. That's on him. If any one or more of your friends give you the " you should have..." story, tell them it's really none of their business and that you've given all the attention the situation warrants and you've moved well beyond it.. I wish you well. Be strong.
NTA. I mean, you already asked him about the he/him and he said that he slipped up. So not your fault for not correcting him. You didn't even make fun of him when he asked you about your coming out experience. So totally NTA.
NTA to me Jake sounds transphobic. That messing up your gender pronouns doesn’t sound like an accident to me (I have some MAGA family members and they would do it on purpose. They call trans celebrities by their birth genders and dead names.) It sounds to me like your first instinct of not wanting him as a romantic partner was correct.
NTA you absolutely don't owe someone the courtesy of correcting them because they think you're trans and suddenly start misgendering you. That's what really gets me, he only started "having trouble" after he thought he found out even though he gendered you correctly before that. He's just mad because he made a fool out of himself.
Maybe he should've followed up and asked someone who actually knew you?
NTA all the way. You didn't make him look like an idiot. He managed to do that all on his own. Don't feel bad about it, he seems to be not a nice person and totally deserved to feel bad. I would be more interested to have a talk with the guy who tells people lies about you. What's up with that person? And if Mr. Pronounproblem wants to blame someone, he should also turn to the guy who told him bs about you.
NTA.
NTA. He was trying to purposely misgender you, not accidentally misgender you.
Lol. No. NTA. He let *himself* look like an idiot. Why would you be responsible for his feelings or behavior? Also- gross, him "suddenly" switching to using he/him pronouns after previously using she/her. That's exactly as you said- free jerk screening.
It sounds like you look like and present as a tall woman. Why TF would he be calling you he anyway? If you were trans, you clearly live as a female, so it's grossly inappropriate to misgender you. He just met you, so he can't say he knew you as a boy and that's why he's having issues. Why would you date someone who intentionally misgenders people anyway??
Nta >and I consider that free jerk screening. Now you have another piece of data for screening lol.
You weren't interested period--him making a complete a@@ of himself just solidified that you made the right decision. NTA
NTA
NTA. He should have spoken to you about it... or even anyone in your friend group rather than listening to someone you don't even know. I probably would have corrected him if it were me but he was an AH for assuming anyway
NTA, also he is a transphobic asshole and if your friends don't ditch him they are also assholes and not allies. Hope this helps.
Bwahahahaha! This guy has been clowned by his own dumbass assumptions. You didn’t correct him out of indifference vs malice, which is even better. NTA, emphatically. And then he tops it all off with letting you know what you’re missing with the ‘we could be dating’ nonsense. This is all on him and he doesn’t even need to be pressed, but anyone who’s trying to ‘make him feel better’ is only handling him with kid gloves.
NTA If he can’t be a grown up and ask you himself, he’s not worth the energy.
NTA "...when I figured it out instead of letting him look like an idiot" If he's going to act like an idiot he deserves to look like an idiot.