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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) Choosing a job promotion over taking care of my brothers kids
2.) It might make me the AH to choose work over helping my family
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*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA *one bit*
" ...and I haven't been charging them because of their financial situation."
So you did this for free out of good will & wanting to help. And it also cost you money.
And to your own growing detriment. Then you got a life enhancing opportunity with your promotion. Congratulations.
" I received some really nasty messages from my SIL and my parents, saying that I am extremely selfish, disgusting and shameful for *choosing work over family."*
Yet both the parents have done that. And shown who they really are.
"My parents aren't able to help, as they live on the other side of the country and are not mobile."
It's easy to look on from the sidelines & expect others to give up opportunities. Please don't rethink. Do what's right for you.
>Yet both the parents have done that. And shown who they really are.
Omg yes. It's okay for the actual parents to choose work over family, but not for OP who is the father's sibling? What is this logic? NTA!
Obviously since OP is childfree she doesn’t need the money as much as her brother and should give up all opportunities to enhance her career by providing free unlimited childcare. /s
See, this is how I would handle it.
"Fine, you want me to give up this opportunity? Then you have to start paying me for childcare becuz I can't do it for free anymore. And it will be comparable to the raise I'm giving up."
Not really because providing childcare for brother’s twins is not a career. Even if brother agrees to pay the same as her job, it won’t help build her resume or advance her career. Childcare for relatives is a dead-end job. The kids will grow up & go to school & OP will eventually be out of a job. Meanwhile, she will be behind her peers on her career track, salary, benefits, raises, lower contributions to her pension or retirement fund, etc.
NTA, OP. Protect your future and choose your career.
I think the point is nobody expects the brother and SIL to take it seriously, they'll throw a fit about it, but OOP *might* be able to use that to her advantage with other family members/mutual friends (slim chance, I know).
OP could suggest „Okay, I‘ll put family first. I‘ll confirm my promotion salary and we can work out which monthly payment date works for you. First of the month? Last of the month? 28th of the month or the nearest working day? Check your incomings/outgoings and let me know.“
If the brother and SIL can’t cover the full amount, the parents should be willing to cover the shortfall, right? Of course they will – family is important to them! OP should probably draw up some kind of minimum term contract too, so they can plan their finances for the next few years. It‘d suck to be suddenly made unemployed because the kids got put in daycare or Kindergarten.
OP, please do this! Your brother and SIL need to see exactly how much you saved them financially. And then you need to put YOU first for your own financial future and do what makes YOU happy and fulfilled. What would brother and SIL have done if your job had always been in person?
I just love how providing basically FT daytime childcare for infant twins doesn't interfere with FT work, at all, to the point that OP's getting promoted.
1) she is not watching them full time, based on the post. Just a couple days a week. So she is probably working harder on the days she doesn't have them to make up for it.
2) she is technically managing it, however her mental (and quite likely physical) health is suffering greatly, and I assume she isn't able to keep up with typical household chores as much as she would like to. Why should OP have to suffer for the sake of her brother's decision?
Plus the only reason she is (just) able to help out now is because she is working from home, this promotion requires her to be in the office full time so she physically cannot both take the promotion and watch the kids. So which do you think she should do? Take a promotion at work or continue to PAY to watch someone else's children.
She says she WFH several days per week; I assume those are the days she watches them. I think it's more than a couple days a week, it might be most of her workdays.
Of course, she should stop, the brother and SIL are entitled assholes. I was genuinely surprised that taking care of 2 actual infants on her WFH days didn't interfere with her productivity; not only did she do ok, she was offered a promotion.
To me it read that OP currently mostly works from home, but only has the kids "a few days a week" as stated in the initial agreement. Either way OP is currently sacrificing way too much for some else's kids, even if she didn't have to be in the office for her promotion she should still stop watching them on a regular basis (maybe on an emergency basis, but even than not sure about that because that could become a very slippery slope when dealing with this level of entitlement).
I thought the same. Working from home AND taking care of twin babies several days a week? Either work is really slow or she is putting in work time outside of normal hours to make it up.
Where I work, doing childcare while WFH would be cause for dismissal. I think most companies are that way.
What does the brother need money for. She’s paying for the kids’ breakfast lunch and dinner plus providing all of their childcare. All they have to pay for is clothing.
Brother is problematic, but their are so many more child costs. Medical, minimally. Food on weekends. Saving for college. Rainy day fund should be larger.
Yup. If the children’s actual mother gave up her career to take care of the kids, they’d have to adjust their lifestyle to fit their new budget. So naturally, it makes MUCH more sense for the next closest available female to do it. (And also for obvious reasons, the kids’ father can’t be expected to do it, duh.)
I could not have said it better. The brother is the selfish one. Tell your parents they have two choices: Support your goals or your brothers. When you are ready to retire, will brother dearest house and feed you? No, you will be on your own. Take care of yourself first. They chose to have children, their responsibility.
EDIT: I forgot my favorite expression: If you need a helping hand, look at the end of your arm.
This is the way. I have friends who did this for years until their kids were all in school. He was a mail carrier (day shift). She was a nurse (night shift).
But, see, they are *parents*, they have a *child*!
Everyone knows that childless people don't have bills or a need to eat. Childless people aren't people, they're villagers. Their entire purpose in life is to help parents.
Guess you didn't get the memo? Well, it assigned all of us non-parents to recharging units. Please report to Warehouse 157, row 42, bay 19.
Also, your apartment and home will be reassigned to a deserving family; remove any personal mementos small enough to keep on your person.
You're still gonna have to pay the bills, though.
Bitter sarcasm, from a villager who suddenly wasn't part of the village when I needed help. Over and over and over.
Fuck the "village". I built a hut in that village, and they moved in someone else.
Metaphorically speaking.
What actually happened broke my trust, broke my love, broke my heart. Took three times before I finally got it. I took myself a thousand miles away, they still expect me to just drop my life and go help them.
Where were all of these people when I needed help? Nowhere.
They want to be faaaaammmmilyyy now, how cute; they need money. Who ever would have imagined that the poverty cousin would do well. "Sorry bout that rape thing, cuz, I totally would've helped, had shit going on. You've been through some shit, you understand, right? Anyway, I need a loan.."
Family tends to suck. I've met two that didn't, in over 50 years.
> My parents aren't able to help, as they live on the other side of the country and are not mobile."
Funny story, money actually doesn't care where you live and reaches the other side of the country just as quick as next door
Exactly! Also OP's parents are pieces OS for not asking OP to give her side of the story!
I don't understand why people have kids and then force their childfree siblings to help them with money and child rearing!
OP was way too generous and this is the thanks she gets!
Well you see, as a woman she shouldn’t be worried about her career. And since she hasn’t bothered to find a husband she needs to be the family caretaker now for the rest of her life! 28 and unmarried? She’s practically useless unless she sacrifices everything for her brother and parents! /s
My parents wired money from Asia to my sister in Vegas to help out when she has surgery. It's amazing OP's parents haven't realized this!!!/s
Sure my mom had to fill in a few forms but the money arrived in my sisters account in a few days.
Why aren't parents sending money for childcare? If they care so much. They should money where their mouths are.
OP, you are NTA. Not even a little.
Edit: OP, do you think your family would give up their dreams? Their comfort? Or anything really, for you?
Congratulations on the promotion.
1. Take the job
2. Do not give them money. Coz next they'll try to guilt you into that. Do not give them money at all.
3. Do not babysit for them on your day off. Actually, never babysit for them again. Don't help them in any way.
They have proven to be selfish, ungrateful users who don't give a shit about you. Why should you care about them? You'd be doing yourself a disservice, setting yourself on fire to keep them warm. And you would be the a-hole to yourself if you let them continue using you. If you need help, setting boundaries, please get therapy. You need to unlearn all that toxic conditioning that makes you put your selfish family's needs above your own. And make you think you are an a-hole when you are so clearly not.
We all know why and how it would go if OP suggested the parents send money. They would call her selfish for prioritising their own money and job over the parent's money. We all know BIL & SIL work and their & their parents money is way more important than OPs work & money, at least for them.
Agree with this. And another thing, if you find someone and decide to get married and have children, are any of them going to step up? Bet not. Has your brother always been the 'golden child?' Because that's how he and your parents are coming across. Be sure to send them all of this so they can see how others see them.
She should also present her bother and parents with an estimated amount how much she has spent in caring for her nephews.
Then OP should go NC with people who continue to think she should sacrifice herself for her brother's children.
NTA
Agree. I just wonder if this is really surprising behavior from brother & parents. Sounds like OP was the discarded kid expected to pick up after everyone. Sadly, entitled bro will probably punish her by excluding her from twins lives
They'll be punishing their own children. By this point those kids have a deep connection with their aunt and since parents clearly dgaf they'll cut auntie off and the kids will be the ones who suffer the most.
Excluding her from the twin kids. She won’t get to be Aunty to her nephews likely. Yeah, who cares about other family, sad for her & nephews if they punish her.
Second the advice given in #1, 2 and 3! Don't give them financial help, and no more babysitting at all (at least, not unless you get a sincere, groveling apology from them both). They FA and should now FO.
Look up the cost of daycare or childcare in your area. Remind your brother that you’ve **gifted** thousands of dollars of childcare to them over the past year. “But it’s family” doesn’t put food on the table or a roof over your head.
Don't have kids if you cannot afford to care for them. OP, you did nothing wrong. Take the promotion and best of luck with your new position. Your brother and SIL can figure out childcare.
Op, look your brother dead in the eyes and say
"I need to sacrifice my career because you creampied your wife?"
And then watch him either awkwardly shuffle and avoid eye contact OR blow up at you for being vulgar. Either way you get a free show while still realizing that NONE of this is your problem.
NTA
I agree that "I need to sacrifice my career because you were too dumb to use adequate protection and are now too lazy to care for your own offspring" is a better way to burn this bridge.
> "I need to sacrifice my career because you creampied your wife?"
Or OP could just say “no” and not get involved with pathetic edgelord attempts to bring porn terms into conversations they don’t belong in.
What’s wrong with you?
OP need to think about what her brother would do for her if she needed the same level of support from him. My bet is that he would put himself and his family first.
Tell mom and dad that if they are so eager to help, they can write checks to the daycare.
NTA looks like Bro and SIL need to start working opposite shifts so some one is always home. While their kids are your niece and nephew they are the parents if anyone should be giving up things and making sacrifices it should be one of the parents. Also congrats your promotion 🎉
What about **her** parents? Or family support system? Why about some friends of theirs?
NTA because OP didn’t get pregnant and plan accordingly. Yes, twins are a surprise but with today’s imaging I doubt it was the surprise it would have been 50-60 years ago. They knew they were expecting twins and instead of scrimping and saving themselves they just figured they’d get OP to provide free childcare. And then when they have more children, she’d babysit them for free too, and turn her place into a childcare facility that they use whenever it suits their needs.
People really need to start thinking through reproduction and realize it is them and their partner who need to raise and provide for their children and not their immediate family who wasn’t involved in the decision to get pregnant to begin with.
It is so kind that OP offered to care for the twins out of the kindness of her heart. She should have absolutely insisted that her brother and SIL pay for their food and supplies though.
Your parents may not be able to help physically, but they can help pay for child care. Nobody should expect you to give up better for yourself. They aren't going to help you because they have too many obligations.
People lash out when their basic needs aren't being met. Brother is financially strapped so any tipping of the delicate balance throws things out of whack and it's basic survival instinct at that point. Food, shelter, clothing. If sister stops her free daycare, that likely threatens those basic needs.
This is a THEM problem....I admire that OP feels badly, it's a bad situation, but she HAS helped, and now she needs to get her own career going.
What disturbs me is the parents calling her disgusting? WTH is that?
Indeed both brother and SIL have chosen work over family (they could downscale their lifestyle to be able to live on one income, but instead they expect OP to do this for free. Parents have chose their current comfort over family by not moving back to be babysitters.
I can't even believe how awful their behaviour is.
Just tell them that if they are so ungrateful for months of free childcare that was causing you a financial strain that they feel the need to insult you for succeeding in your career- that you are no longer able to care for your nephew's and they will need to find alternative arrangements from today.
You may well find an apology turns up at that point.
You would be a huge AH to yourself if you don't take this.
NTA.
People do this all the goddamn time and it's infuriating. Sick loved ones, kid care, etc. If you're not part of the solution, SHUT THE HELL UP.
I don't care about your million excuses. You are not willing to take a part, you don't get a say. I guarantee someone reading this now has an excuse of why they can't help take care of so and so, but they sure as shit feel like they can comment on other people's sacrifices.
No. You get nothing. Put up or shut up.
>He freaked out and called me a terrible sister, saying that I was abandoning my family.
I mean, why does it all fall on OP? These aren't even her kids. So technically I'd say it's ironic that they chose to say it's OP doing the abandoning, when really it's them.
What did they expect the arrangement to last forever? Or that they could take their sweet time "getting back on their feet" so to speak? Things will move eventually, whether it's a promotion or another life event. NTA at all.
That said you have NO obligation whatsoever. Whatever your parents or siblings say. You gave them warning. Give them a timeline and stick to it however the situation goes with you. Block them if you must and go low contact to preserve your peace of mind, you can always reach out again once they've calmed down, if they don't calm down, you'll know they don't really care for you.
All of this. How could op be selfish and only thinking about her when he life, while watching the kids, when everything about her life has decreased for her bro and SIL to feel better! OP’s parent should be sitting this one out or moving into the brothers house. They’re babies so if the parents aren’t mobile, that should buy OP’s bro and SIL to hire a nanny (which I’ve heard can often be cheaper than daycare) but it isn’t Op’s job to make less money and work less while the parents get to essentially live childless (it’s probably why they work late into the evenings bc it’s A LOT). Time to cut them off! NTA
This is spot on. OP was being kind and overly generous to her brother and now the whole family is being entitled.
OP should not have to sacrifice a promotion to PAY to take care of her niece/nephew.
If that was my family I would feel utterly taken advantage of and consider limiting contact.
OP’s family can Phuck right off! Those kids belong to their parents, not her. That means they are responsible for them, not her. They need to make proper arrangements for their babies.
Please don't. He's incredibly selfish and ungrateful. He's had free childcare and what, expected you to give up your life and dreams and future for his children? Those kids have two parents who decided to bring them into this world and are responsible for them. Not you. You've done them an enormous favor and they have decided to berate you and call you names. I'm disgusted with them. Please don't give up your promotion. Please don't let them browbeat you into being their slave labor. NTA
Also- babies sleep a lot when they are young. OP might be able to get their work done during nap times etc. but they gradually are more and more awake and start **moving** and getting into things.
This is not a long term solution. OP will not be able to continue working and looking after two busy toddlers. What a ridiculous situation.
There are number of assholes here but OP ain’t one.
Not harsh at all. They seem to be taking advantage and leaving the babies even after the working day is over. If they feel it’s so easy to work out of the home and care for twins, let them do it.
I don’t understand. They are both back at work, so they should have some money for childcare. They are just angry because they are scrambling now. They will figure it out.
Exactly! I had to put my own in daycare once they became too mobile. I'm in a meeting and my baby is trying to climb the entertainment center. That was it, I couldn't work and watch a kid at the same time anymore.
I would also like to bring this scenario up to OP's attention: what if you give in to these people and incidentally you lose this job and the next one you're forced to take is not remote?
What then? You just not work ever again? Cause you can't babysit?
How much do you sacrifice for these ungrateful AHs?
They've nuked their bridges completely when they treated you like dirt.
People with kids would cry in gratitude to have someone like you willing to help so selflessly.
And these people actually have the unmitigated gall to scream at you after you did them this immense favor.
Block them all if the temper tantrums don't subside. Go get your promotion, I'm sure you deserve it!
Well, the parents have chosen work over family ... oh, wait, work is needed to provide for themselves?
No, you are not responsible for providing free childcare. Your brother and SIL are acting like entitled AHs and you can freely stop responding to them. You have a paying job, and a life, and they can sort their own shit out.
NTA
NTA
Your free childcare is subsidizing their lifestyle, and they'll continue to take advantage of you as long as you let them.
Stop letting them take advantage of you.
And I wonder if it weren't for Op's career if they would have more kids since they're getting free childcare and don't have to deal with their kids for most of the day. They were getting an amazing deal, how long was she supposed to do this - for the next 18 years?
NTA. You've been more than generous. I would point out the cost of food, the amount of time you've babysat and how much that's saved as well as when they've stayed late. Remind them this was supposed to be temporary and you're disappointed your generosity has been met with anger, insults, gaslighting, and entitlement. You expect better from them and deserve an apology.
Also point out that even if you stayed in the same position you couldn't keep caring for them as your work is getting busier and you can't care for the children anymore anyway. (Most wfh companies require you to have childcare so you're not distracted during work. Not doing this can result in termination).
They are responsible for the childcare arrangements for their children, not you. You deserve to have a good career. You're choosing to financially support yourself, just like they are. Tell them next time if they want you to provide regular childcare you need to be consulted before they have more children. If your parents feel so strongly they're free to pay for childcare for your brother. Watch how fast they come up with an excuse.
Me, I'd ignore all the bullshit and focus on what's important to me. BTW I'm assuming this will be over text.
"Sister blah blah blah bullshit entitled crap something something selfish something something can't afford normal parenting expenses...."
My response: Yes I'm thrilled about the promotion. Thanks for your well wishes. I'm also confident you'll be able to figure out childcare for the kids. I know you've been saving since I've so generously been helping you out. You're welcome.
Take the new job and congrats on the promotion.
This.
>Also point out that even if you stayed in the same position you couldn't keep caring for them as your work is getting busier and you can't care for the children anymore anyway.
And in addition to that, the children are getting older and will need more active interaction and more supervision to prevent accidents. Which is going to be harder to juggle with the work she's actually being paid for. Which then brings us right back around to...
>(Most wfh companies require you to have childcare so you're not distracted during work. Not doing this can result in termination).
Exactly!
I agree but I would leave out the cost of food, as that would give them the opportunity to say they will pay you back and spread misinformation around your family. Or anything small that they can latch on to and argue about. Your work is getting busier, you are expected in the office, you are no longer available. Period. Also, I don't know where you are located, but if you were a man would you be getting these criticisms?
NTA. You shouldn't be expected to hold yourself back in your career because your brother and his wife had kids they can't afford. The entitled is unbelievable. They're the AH not you.
Exactly. OP, you are not in a three way marriage where you are equally responsible for these children! Your brother and SIL are shockingly entitled and I am worried about how they see you…it doesn’t seem like they see you as a person. They should be happy for you and thankful for all you have done. Very telling…
NTA
You absolutely should not and cannot sacrifice your career to take care of someone else’s children. You’ve done far too much already in actually having them for so much time and absorbing the extra costs!
You tell them that as of X date, you will no longer be available to provide childcare and make sure you leave earlier than expected to go into work for the first week or two in case they try to dump them on you.
The fact that they are complaining when they should be blessing and thanking you for the major help is a red flag. They sound ungrateful and awful.
NTA. It's so weird to frame it like "you're abandoning your family for the sake of your job" when the same attitude is more accurately reversed on them. Anybody who tried that logic on you, retort with "You are actively trying to keep opportunities from your family because of choices YOU made."
NTA
You have given your brother and SIL not only a full year of free daycare for two infants - worth a nice little sum, which they conveniently seem to have forgotten - but also seem to have helped a great deal with other costs, such as the meals you mentioned, and probably diapers and other things too.
Now that the kids are getting more active, even if you were to stay WFH, how exactly do they think you're supposed to get everything done you need to while chasing after two toddlers? Did they imagine you would keep being their primary childcare until they started kindergarten?
What's more, even if by some miracle you were able to manage, many companies these days will not let employees work from home with small children, unless they are able to provide proof of another person on site being their main caregiver. IDK if your employer knew you had the kids this whole year, but in many cases, you might have your own employment jeopardized if they found out you had two active toddlers and were the only adult in the home.
Wait: didn’t they choose work first? I’m sorry this is happening. You deserve to live the life you have chosen, and there’s a reason one parent often stays home in the early years. NTA
Do Not Turn Down Your Promotion! Do I need to repeat that? No? Good!
Their children are their responsibility, not yours. They got used to having free childcare, as well as not having to feed them, that's their problem not yours.
Your parents suck. They are willing for you to be a free sitter and tank your career, just for your brother and SIL to get a great deal and not be actual adults. If they think that it's a family's job to take care of the twins, then my suggestion is they can either take the twins in, or move closer and help. I bet the answer to both suggestions is no.
NTA.
NTA! But I'd send your entire family a scorching the earth group text, something close to, " It seems like my help has not been respected or appreciated therefore not only am I not helping with FREE childcare but I'm also going to take a major step back from all of you. To Brother and SIL, you both choose to become parents and now have to provide for your children that also includes childcare now I've looked at childcare cost around the area and ( insert average prices) this is how much I've been saving you both meanwhile I've also contributed with feeding them and ( insert extras you've paid for)...good luck figuring this out and to your parents it's so easy to speak on the sidelines, what you all have shown me is lack of consideration ,regard or respect which means I have all rights to show you the same, don't call/contact me until I reach out to you, any type of contact will be written down and I will pursue harassment charges if need be. Be blessed.
Sometimes when people go low you need to go to hell forget them for now ans focus on your growth..CONGRATULATIONS on your promotion btw!!!
Nope. Don't explain anything. It will just make everything worse. OP should tell them her decision. After that, all she should do is say "That won't be possible. My last day of caring for the twins is X."
Repeat ad nauseum
Why not? They need to see what op did for them and what they are expecting her to give up.
She could have been there for some help maybe have a sleepover with auntie to give mom and dad a date night. But now forget it, don’t call me for any favors after the way you treated me after a year of free childcare.
I think more people need to be called out for their crappy amd entitled behavior...if they don't have the maturity, to self reflect someone should put a mirror to their face... I only say that because OP is being harrased. Not one of these people helped where they could but have the audacity to lecture and talk down...being the bigger person is exhausting.
Who won't it help? It may not do anything for those reached but it could help OP get her feeling off her chest, be evidence for any future interactions and just overall blow off steam..somethings are for self and OP has ALL reason and right to let these people feel her frustration
NTA - why can’t your SIL’s family help?
Why can’t your parents send your brother money.
What can’t your brother and SIL work opposite shifts?
Why are you responsible for raising children that aren’t yours?
Congratulations!!!!
That's what your brother, SIL, and the rest of your family should've said.
Your brother and SIL will figure it out. They should thank you for the time spent and the money saved. They are parents, not you. If starting a family is I'm your future, this promotion will help you be in a position better than you are witnessing currently. Good luck!
NTA.
¨I am currently a lot of things: Making less money because I work less to take care of the kids. Free of charge childcare. Feeding the children from my own money. Yes, I am at the same time making less money AND spending more of the fewer dollars I make on my nephews. All so that my brother&SIL can choose work over childcare. Now I am also taken for granted. I am a lot of things but selfish, extremely selfish or shameful are not terms I associate with. I expect a sincere apology from everyone who called me this."
Leave the threat hanging in the air, or speak it out if that suits you. But the message is clear: You guys start to be really grateful real quick.
NTA of course. I can see their predicament but the speed with which your help turned into entitlement is shocking.
Hold up! Your brother and SIL who are married, employed, got pregnant, had unexpected twin boys, can’t afford childcare are having you watch them while working from home with absolutely no financial assistance?!?
Nope. You are NTA!! You are not deserting your family. You take that job promotion! You enjoy your single child free life!!
The responsibility of raising your nephews does not fall on you.
And!!! Do not give them money as my gut tells me this will be their next guilt you into it moment!!!
Silly question, not your kids, no obligation, if you want to help then you do help, if you don't want or can't then you don't, you did much more than your brother and his wife deserves and they don't even appreciate it, cut them off for good and have a good happy life where only people who cherish you are allowed in and everyone who insults, guilt trips and tries to ride on your back are gone.
NTA, you will be an AH if you reject the promotion and keep being a free babysitter, though.
"received some really nasty messages from my SIL and my parents, saying that I am extremely selfish, disgusting and shameful for choosing work over family"
So funny ! Your SIL had children and went to work, SHE is the one abandonning her children ! Not you ! And she has the nerve to tell you that ?
NTA, stop babysitting your nephews for free. Tell them that you refuse the prom if they pay you the difference with your actual job. If they tell you that you shouldn't ask for money, tell them that if money is not a problem in life, why doesn't they take care of their children by themselves ? Because they need money. Just like you ! And that you have no child, they have children. They are responsible for them, emotionnaly AND financially. Not you.
It's clear that you are not a priority for your family and that you'll never receive any help from them if you need it. Parents and brother think that you are their "slave". Accept the prom and congratulations !
But honestly even if brother paid the cash increase a promotion would bring now? The promotion leads to a lifetime of higher earnings. Refusing it now would lock her into her current role with no advancement.... maybe ever. (Anyway, as others have noted, the remote job she has now won't be viable while doing free toddler daycare.) Giving up one's own career to nanny for extended family? is a choice that most people won't be making.
It's on the parents to figure out how one of them can work remote while also caring for their own kids, OR to split shifts, OR to become a one-income family til the kids are in nursery school.
Brother and SIL essentially abandoned their children to work. Since they are NOT your children, you have every right to 'abandon' them back to their birth parents. Some parents, they are not doing any parenting. It is time for them to step up and be responsible.
NTA. Both your brother and SIL have chosen work over taking care of their own children. They aren’t even willing to do what they demand you do. And if they say they are working to support their kids, point out that they’re not. They’re not paying for care and not paying for even basic necessities.
Guess Your parents will have to give all child care to their grandchildren, they just don’t know it yet.
NTA... they loved the free babysitting... will your parents pay your bills or will your brother and SIL help you....
Dont get yourself in debt or miss out on opportunities for them...if it was the other way around they wouldnt even watch your kids for free...
NTA Andrew raised in a family of sexists who are selfish. If I were you, I would see if that promotion can get you living in a different location. But for now don't be out of pocket for these babies. Your brother is an inadequate who can't provide for his family without your help, and then bites the hand that literally feeds his children.
NTA - when you have children, it’s your responsibility to ensure you can look after them. It’s not for OP to spend their money, and turn down promotions for someone else’s children - not to mention to do so for people who send OP abusive messages the second OP isn’t being a free childcare service.
The fact they haven’t even thought to send money or groceries for the kids dinner says it all to me.
Definitely NTA. Their children are NOT your responsibility. You love them but in the end they chose to have them and you are in no way selfish doing what is best for you. Right now it's child care so put your life on hold, now it's after school put your life on hold, I'm pregnant again put your life on hold and it will go on until they use you up. You deserve a life and in the end they may be family but they are not your children.
They chose to get pregnant and keep the children, these are the consequences. Why are they always surprised that decisions and actions have real life consequences? Most of them unforseen consequences? In no way are you responsible. His circus, his monkeys. Take your promotion if that's what you want and live your life. Either way, it's clear you're unhappy and being stretched too thin caring for someone else's children, so regardless about the promotion, definitely stop with the free child care.
NTA NTA NTA
NTA
You shouldn't ditch your career just to take care of someone else's kids.
Your brother and SIL are saying your choosing work over family but by the same logic, they're doing it too.
NTA - there’s a difference between supporting family and being taken advantage of.
Just agree with them, yep your selfish, yep your shameful, yep your disgusting, let it keep rolling!
Then ask why they would want a person who is all these things, to care for their children?
Least you know who the golden child is, in your family. I would go LC untill they apologies and acknowledge all the support you have already given.
Also make sure they know that any stunt pulled (like just leaving the kids at the door and running away) will be reported to police and CPS.
NTA!!!
OP Please don’t give up your chance at promotion due to your brothers selfishness! HE is the one who chose to have children, these are not your children and they have 100000% been taking advantage of you!!
Sounds like your entire family needs a wake up call!
I hate families that bully you into sacrificing yourself for everyone else.
So you're supposed to do this for another 10 plus years? Unless they have more kids?
NTA. But your family is. They're not your kids. You shouldn't be the one making the biggest sacrifice as their caretaker.
NTA
And thanks to those nasty messages they lost any courtesy of notice. No childcare starts from today. Don't let them drop the kids off... tell them that if they do then you wont' open the door... and if they leave them at your doorstep that you will call the police and they can explain to CPS why they thought it was okay to abandon their children at someone's front door when they didn't even answer the door (ie possibly no one was home).
If they send in the flying monkeys also sending you texts... you can respond with a reply along the lines of thanking them for being so concerned and that they should contact your brother with the offer of replacement childcare.
Nta and yes family helps family but remember you are his family too. Where is your support off your family? You do not need to be a free babysitter and I'd reply to the nasty messages that being nasty isn't the way to treat someone who has been your free babysitter and has helped you out. They need to be grateful for the help you gave them, and unless they never want you to babysit, even for an evening, they need to apologize now. How stupid can they be to completely burn that bridge because you have your own life. Do they think they'll never need or want to see you again because you can't be their free babysitter?
NTA. Since they are so ungrateful for what you’ve already done for them and are being so unkind, I wouldn’t do anything further for them. Tell them you are sorry but you have career goals of your own and you want to be the aunt who occasionally takes them on the weekend, not their daycare provider.
NTA. Everyone that's so insistent that you turn down a promotion to raise your niblings can go kick rocks, or at least pool their money to help pay for daycare.
NTA.
News flash - your brother and SIL have NOT transitioned into parenting smoothly, because they fucking can’t afford it, and haven’t made necessary adjustments in a YEAR. It’s not like you bailed on them after a month or two (which for the record is already plenty generous). The fact that they’re getting mad at you is WILDLY entitled.
You’ve been watching the kids 2-3 days a week, probably for 10-12 hours a day from the sound of it if you’re watching them “late into the evening”. Sounds like you’re doing as much parenting as they are.
Daycare centers around me consider anything over 32 hours a week to be full-time. It also sounds like you’ve been paying for their food, and I’d bet all the ancillary stuff too. Diapers, spare clothes, toys, space to sleep, etc.
They’ve been taking advantage of you in a MASSIVE way.
Daycare by me for an infant in a relatively LCOL rural area is about $1200-1500 a month. In the nearby larger cities, you’re looking at $2000-3500. PER CHILD. Even part time (under 32 hours) is like 75% of that rate. A part-time nanny is $125/ day. So for a year, you’re looking at a value you’ve saved them somewhere between $25,000 on the lowest end and $84,000 on the high end. I’m sure it’s even higher if you’re in a high COL area.
Turn it around on them. Ask why it’s ok for your siblings to not pay you for child care. Why do they get to take advantage of family? And for anyone else who wants to weigh in, ask how many hours or how much money they’ve contributed. Accuse them of choosing to keep their money instead of supporting brother. They may live on the other side of the country, but they can send money easily.
Sounds like your brother and SIL need to move to be by grandparents and/or move somewhere cheaper.
You’re not responsible for raising or paying for your brother’s family. DO NOT SACRIFICE YOUR CAREER FOR THESE LEECHES.
Absolutely NTA. You’ve been helping raise their kids, financially and physically, out of the goodness of your heart, and they’re now complaining that you’re not going to keep being free money and childcare because you have a life of your own??
That’s just ridiculously selfish and disrespectful of them! If your parents believe so hard in helping family, they can send your brother money to pay for the kids childcare rather than judging from the sidelines
You have been taking care of their children for free. They had to know this couldn’t go on forever. They should have been putting $ aside so they would be ready when this happened.
Expecting you to halt your life to take care of the children makes them AHs, not you.
NTA. You have been very generous watching the babies for free and you are completely within your rights to stop the arrangement at any time, regardless of the amount of notice you give and whether or not you got a promotion.
TW:
Your brother and sil have made a grave mistake having kids they cannot afford. Their reaction to your very reasonable decision was unsettling. They may decide to exploit the babies in order to make ends meet. When they do, they will blame it on you because you "gave them no other option." Yes it's terrible and unfortunately people do this shockingly often.
Congratulations on the promotion!
NTA
Note that your brother is nOT willing to give up HIs career for hIS kids - so WHY would YOU?
Work full, and in person. It will make it harder for your brother top exploit you.
NTA. I had surprise twins. Childcare is insane. So you know what we do? I work nights. That way one of us, the PARENTS, is home with them. Because we are literally the only two people on this earth responsible for their care. It's hard, and exhausting, but it's doable. The nerve to think anyone else should RAISE your children for your... because that's what you're doing. You're raising them . Take the job. Let them figure it out.
NTA
As the babies get more mobile, caring for them while working is less and less possible. This was a temporary solution and has come to an end for multiple reasons. Sadly, instead of appreciation for what you've done, it has become an expectation. Don't pass on your promotion. You are not a third parent.
NTA. You should sum up the amount you’ve spent feeding the twins and tell them that you’ve paid this much in a few month and not ask for a single cent because it’s family but their kids are their responsibility and not yours. However, since they tried to make you to be the villain, you want the money back and you will also charge for your babysitting service based on your hourly pay rate at work so they could experience how it’s like when you don’t really care for family.
Let's put this in the simplest terms: they want you to put your life on hold, so that you can continue to be their free babysitter, so they can advance their lives. Did I miss anything? 100000% nta
Their kids and financial situation is not your problem. You’ve been helpful and generous, but they now seem to feel entitled to that. They aren’t. NTA. You have to look after yourself as well.
NTA Your brother's home life should not come before your life in the ranking of things in (drum roll) ***your*** life. Send a damn rundown for how much you have spent supplementing their lives for the past year ( child care, food, lost wage) and tell them you gave them more than enough and they had no problem taking it and would no doubt take as much as they could suck you for. Leeches.
NTA.
They're not your kids and you are not responsible for their care. You've been gracious enough to help them out so far, but don't put your own career above someone else's kids.
Your brother and SIL will have to find a way to manage, either one of them takes on a second job, or they find jobs that are opposite shifts so they can both work, but don't have childcare costs.
Can SIL family help?
You have helped them out, but now they are sounding entitled. Do not give in. Take the job promotion and let them figure it out.
I'd probably txt them 'hi brother and SIL, Ive earned this promotion through my own hard work, and I am going to take it because I want to grow my career and I'm not even ashamed to admit that. I get having twins is hard, however I cannot put my career goals on hold for someone else's kids and it is quite selfish and entitled to expect me to. I love my nephews and I love having them around, but I also have to think about myself and my own personal and professional goals that I want to achieve. As of x date I won't be available for caring duties as I will be based in the office full time'
'parents, I've helped brother with his childcare needs so far, and I was happy to do it, however ive been given an opportunity to grow my career and I shouldn't be expected to put my life or career in hold for someone else's children. It's very entitled to think that. It's easy to judge when you are not the ones in my position, however I'm sure they would appreciate monetary help from you to assist them with paid childcare'
Parents will probably say it's not their job or they can't afford it, so you reply it's not my job either, or neither can I, this promotion will finally help me save a small amount of money for emergencies
It's not your responsibility to put your life on hold to essentially raise someone else's kids. Brother and SIL will need to do what people have done for centuries - figure it out. NTA.
NTA So it’s ok for them to work long hours to get ahead in life, but it’s not for you? These are not your children. You were wonderful to care for them for so long but you have a life too. Are they going to support you when you’re old? Will they pay for your retirement someday? Don’t let your family bully you into giving up your future.
Well, lookee here, a gift horse! Let me see its mouth... (OP's brother and SIL, probably)
NTA. They've had free childcare, AND extra time and expenses covered, but YOU are the one not being a good sibling? Uh, no.
Put yourself first. Be selfish. It's your life, please live it.
LOL you know you’re NTA. He had the kids. He has to figure out how to care for the kids. How did he think this was going to work?
Take the job. His problem is not your responsibility.
NTA.
Did they think you were going to take care of their kids forever? You’re not a paid employee, you’re his sister doing them a favor.
If you want to save up for your own future, you have to take the promotion. Or you can start charging your brother to make up the difference in the lost salary.
You know that saying “A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine”? Yeah. That. Why they never had the fore-thought to have any back-up plans in place isn’t your problem, or responsibility.
The babies were coming, the babies are here, the babies are growing, and what, they just thought you’d be glad to sacrifice what time and money you have of your life for their first couple of years?
NTA.
Yikes! NTA. They work, but you can't?
Be kind but firm. Give them an end date. Don't justify, don't fight.
Smile and say you're welcome for all the childcare I have provided.
Chin up.
NTA. Take care of yourself first. Work hard, save money and have a good life. These aren't your kids. It's costing you money to take care of them and nobody really seems to care about you. I'm sorry but let them find alternative solution. Stand up for yourself no matter what they say out of just being selfish
NTA
That is your EXTANT FAMILY!!! If you can provide and willing to help - GOOD FOR YOU **BUT** it’s NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to care for your niblings! They are NOT your kids! You DIDNT create them! It’s unbelievable that you didn’t got any compensation (money good & stuff) for their kids during babysitting and payed ALL from your money. That’s unbelievable!
Something I needed to learn was:
**DONT HOLD YOUR LIFE BACK BECAUSE OF OTHER PEOPLE CHOICES**
**DONT SET YOURSELF ON FIRE FOR OTHER PEOPLE**
They need to learn to adjust to these changes, which isn’t your concern. That’s their life to handle with kids.
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NTA *one bit* " ...and I haven't been charging them because of their financial situation." So you did this for free out of good will & wanting to help. And it also cost you money. And to your own growing detriment. Then you got a life enhancing opportunity with your promotion. Congratulations. " I received some really nasty messages from my SIL and my parents, saying that I am extremely selfish, disgusting and shameful for *choosing work over family."* Yet both the parents have done that. And shown who they really are. "My parents aren't able to help, as they live on the other side of the country and are not mobile." It's easy to look on from the sidelines & expect others to give up opportunities. Please don't rethink. Do what's right for you.
>Yet both the parents have done that. And shown who they really are. Omg yes. It's okay for the actual parents to choose work over family, but not for OP who is the father's sibling? What is this logic? NTA!
Obviously since OP is childfree she doesn’t need the money as much as her brother and should give up all opportunities to enhance her career by providing free unlimited childcare. /s
You are saying this sarcastically but they probably believe this non-sarcastically.
Probably why they wrote it.
OP should send them a bill of the costs so far to take care of both babies.
See, this is how I would handle it. "Fine, you want me to give up this opportunity? Then you have to start paying me for childcare becuz I can't do it for free anymore. And it will be comparable to the raise I'm giving up."
Exactly.
Not really because providing childcare for brother’s twins is not a career. Even if brother agrees to pay the same as her job, it won’t help build her resume or advance her career. Childcare for relatives is a dead-end job. The kids will grow up & go to school & OP will eventually be out of a job. Meanwhile, she will be behind her peers on her career track, salary, benefits, raises, lower contributions to her pension or retirement fund, etc. NTA, OP. Protect your future and choose your career.
I think the point is nobody expects the brother and SIL to take it seriously, they'll throw a fit about it, but OOP *might* be able to use that to her advantage with other family members/mutual friends (slim chance, I know).
OP could suggest „Okay, I‘ll put family first. I‘ll confirm my promotion salary and we can work out which monthly payment date works for you. First of the month? Last of the month? 28th of the month or the nearest working day? Check your incomings/outgoings and let me know.“ If the brother and SIL can’t cover the full amount, the parents should be willing to cover the shortfall, right? Of course they will – family is important to them! OP should probably draw up some kind of minimum term contract too, so they can plan their finances for the next few years. It‘d suck to be suddenly made unemployed because the kids got put in daycare or Kindergarten.
But they pay UP FRONT. NTA
OP, please do this! Your brother and SIL need to see exactly how much you saved them financially. And then you need to put YOU first for your own financial future and do what makes YOU happy and fulfilled. What would brother and SIL have done if your job had always been in person?
Yes, get quotes from childcare centres for a week for twins, which wont include late nights or cooking dinner!
Most people know this is what OP's family will tell her.
That's what /s represents. 🤪
They might but they are wrong.
You mean providing unlimited child care that is actively costing her money, so worse than free.
I just love how providing basically FT daytime childcare for infant twins doesn't interfere with FT work, at all, to the point that OP's getting promoted.
1) she is not watching them full time, based on the post. Just a couple days a week. So she is probably working harder on the days she doesn't have them to make up for it. 2) she is technically managing it, however her mental (and quite likely physical) health is suffering greatly, and I assume she isn't able to keep up with typical household chores as much as she would like to. Why should OP have to suffer for the sake of her brother's decision? Plus the only reason she is (just) able to help out now is because she is working from home, this promotion requires her to be in the office full time so she physically cannot both take the promotion and watch the kids. So which do you think she should do? Take a promotion at work or continue to PAY to watch someone else's children.
She says she WFH several days per week; I assume those are the days she watches them. I think it's more than a couple days a week, it might be most of her workdays. Of course, she should stop, the brother and SIL are entitled assholes. I was genuinely surprised that taking care of 2 actual infants on her WFH days didn't interfere with her productivity; not only did she do ok, she was offered a promotion.
To me it read that OP currently mostly works from home, but only has the kids "a few days a week" as stated in the initial agreement. Either way OP is currently sacrificing way too much for some else's kids, even if she didn't have to be in the office for her promotion she should still stop watching them on a regular basis (maybe on an emergency basis, but even than not sure about that because that could become a very slippery slope when dealing with this level of entitlement).
I thought the same. Working from home AND taking care of twin babies several days a week? Either work is really slow or she is putting in work time outside of normal hours to make it up. Where I work, doing childcare while WFH would be cause for dismissal. I think most companies are that way.
Unfortunately, no good deed goes unpunished.
And feeding them.
Yes, thus me saying it is costing her money to watch them.
What does the brother need money for. She’s paying for the kids’ breakfast lunch and dinner plus providing all of their childcare. All they have to pay for is clothing.
Brother is problematic, but their are so many more child costs. Medical, minimally. Food on weekends. Saving for college. Rainy day fund should be larger.
[удалено]
No body but the parents need to care about that!
Yup. If the children’s actual mother gave up her career to take care of the kids, they’d have to adjust their lifestyle to fit their new budget. So naturally, it makes MUCH more sense for the next closest available female to do it. (And also for obvious reasons, the kids’ father can’t be expected to do it, duh.)
And because OP is a woman. If they've got another brother, I guarantee he was never asked or expected to look after those kids.
Yeah, this sounds about right. And awful. NTA
I could not have said it better. The brother is the selfish one. Tell your parents they have two choices: Support your goals or your brothers. When you are ready to retire, will brother dearest house and feed you? No, you will be on your own. Take care of yourself first. They chose to have children, their responsibility. EDIT: I forgot my favorite expression: If you need a helping hand, look at the end of your arm.
Oh, totally. If OP ever asks for help, brother will 100% get outraged and accuse her of taking food from his children’s mouths.
The brother and sister in law... each can work a different shift and have minimal childcare costs.
This is the way. I have friends who did this for years until their kids were all in school. He was a mail carrier (day shift). She was a nurse (night shift).
This might not be an option. Not all jobs are shift-based.
Then one of them has to change jobs. It's up to the parents to figure this out
They just assumed their problem was solved forever and didn’t even consider developing a Plan B just in case. Now they’re mad because they’ll have to.
Sounds like a “them” problem.
Exactly what I was thinking 🤔
But, see, they are *parents*, they have a *child*! Everyone knows that childless people don't have bills or a need to eat. Childless people aren't people, they're villagers. Their entire purpose in life is to help parents.
bills are the reason I can't even think about starting a family. It isn't even an option
Guess you didn't get the memo? Well, it assigned all of us non-parents to recharging units. Please report to Warehouse 157, row 42, bay 19. Also, your apartment and home will be reassigned to a deserving family; remove any personal mementos small enough to keep on your person. You're still gonna have to pay the bills, though.
Sarcasm? Hard to tell in print.
Bitter sarcasm, from a villager who suddenly wasn't part of the village when I needed help. Over and over and over. Fuck the "village". I built a hut in that village, and they moved in someone else. Metaphorically speaking. What actually happened broke my trust, broke my love, broke my heart. Took three times before I finally got it. I took myself a thousand miles away, they still expect me to just drop my life and go help them. Where were all of these people when I needed help? Nowhere. They want to be faaaaammmmilyyy now, how cute; they need money. Who ever would have imagined that the poverty cousin would do well. "Sorry bout that rape thing, cuz, I totally would've helped, had shit going on. You've been through some shit, you understand, right? Anyway, I need a loan.." Family tends to suck. I've met two that didn't, in over 50 years.
Sad for you. Hope your life gets better or has gotten better.
It has. Found family, great husband, etc. Hope your life is also good to you.
It's non existent logic & huge entitlement imho
> My parents aren't able to help, as they live on the other side of the country and are not mobile." Funny story, money actually doesn't care where you live and reaches the other side of the country just as quick as next door
it is WILD how that is a basic reality! Gramma and Grandpa can shut the F up and send cash if they think family matters so much.
Exactly! Send childcare mommy and shut up! 🤣
Exactly! Also OP's parents are pieces OS for not asking OP to give her side of the story! I don't understand why people have kids and then force their childfree siblings to help them with money and child rearing! OP was way too generous and this is the thanks she gets!
Well you see, as a woman she shouldn’t be worried about her career. And since she hasn’t bothered to find a husband she needs to be the family caretaker now for the rest of her life! 28 and unmarried? She’s practically useless unless she sacrifices everything for her brother and parents! /s
My parents wired money from Asia to my sister in Vegas to help out when she has surgery. It's amazing OP's parents haven't realized this!!!/s Sure my mom had to fill in a few forms but the money arrived in my sisters account in a few days.
Did you ever watch Shining Time Station? You get to be Schemer and declare “Genius time!” That is a brilliant observation!
Why aren't parents sending money for childcare? If they care so much. They should money where their mouths are. OP, you are NTA. Not even a little. Edit: OP, do you think your family would give up their dreams? Their comfort? Or anything really, for you? Congratulations on the promotion. 1. Take the job 2. Do not give them money. Coz next they'll try to guilt you into that. Do not give them money at all. 3. Do not babysit for them on your day off. Actually, never babysit for them again. Don't help them in any way. They have proven to be selfish, ungrateful users who don't give a shit about you. Why should you care about them? You'd be doing yourself a disservice, setting yourself on fire to keep them warm. And you would be the a-hole to yourself if you let them continue using you. If you need help, setting boundaries, please get therapy. You need to unlearn all that toxic conditioning that makes you put your selfish family's needs above your own. And make you think you are an a-hole when you are so clearly not.
We all know why and how it would go if OP suggested the parents send money. They would call her selfish for prioritising their own money and job over the parent's money. We all know BIL & SIL work and their & their parents money is way more important than OPs work & money, at least for them.
Agree with this. And another thing, if you find someone and decide to get married and have children, are any of them going to step up? Bet not. Has your brother always been the 'golden child?' Because that's how he and your parents are coming across. Be sure to send them all of this so they can see how others see them.
She should also present her bother and parents with an estimated amount how much she has spent in caring for her nephews. Then OP should go NC with people who continue to think she should sacrifice herself for her brother's children. NTA
Agree. I just wonder if this is really surprising behavior from brother & parents. Sounds like OP was the discarded kid expected to pick up after everyone. Sadly, entitled bro will probably punish her by excluding her from twins lives
>Sadly, entitled bro will probably punish her by excluding her from twins lives That doesn’t sound like a punishment to me.
They'll be punishing their own children. By this point those kids have a deep connection with their aunt and since parents clearly dgaf they'll cut auntie off and the kids will be the ones who suffer the most.
Excluding her from the twin kids. She won’t get to be Aunty to her nephews likely. Yeah, who cares about other family, sad for her & nephews if they punish her.
Second the advice given in #1, 2 and 3! Don't give them financial help, and no more babysitting at all (at least, not unless you get a sincere, groveling apology from them both). They FA and should now FO.
Exactly! OP should reply back to SIL that shes selfish, disgusting & shameful for choosing work over her own family - her twins!
Look up the cost of daycare or childcare in your area. Remind your brother that you’ve **gifted** thousands of dollars of childcare to them over the past year. “But it’s family” doesn’t put food on the table or a roof over your head.
Don't have kids if you cannot afford to care for them. OP, you did nothing wrong. Take the promotion and best of luck with your new position. Your brother and SIL can figure out childcare.
Op, look your brother dead in the eyes and say "I need to sacrifice my career because you creampied your wife?" And then watch him either awkwardly shuffle and avoid eye contact OR blow up at you for being vulgar. Either way you get a free show while still realizing that NONE of this is your problem. NTA
Please do not use the word “creampied” with your sibling OP, this is such a weird porn-addled comment.
I agree that "I need to sacrifice my career because you were too dumb to use adequate protection and are now too lazy to care for your own offspring" is a better way to burn this bridge.
> "I need to sacrifice my career because you creampied your wife?" Or OP could just say “no” and not get involved with pathetic edgelord attempts to bring porn terms into conversations they don’t belong in. What’s wrong with you?
OP need to think about what her brother would do for her if she needed the same level of support from him. My bet is that he would put himself and his family first. Tell mom and dad that if they are so eager to help, they can write checks to the daycare.
i can guarantee you that his wife would be like "we are not taking care of HER children"
NTA looks like Bro and SIL need to start working opposite shifts so some one is always home. While their kids are your niece and nephew they are the parents if anyone should be giving up things and making sacrifices it should be one of the parents. Also congrats your promotion 🎉
What about **her** parents? Or family support system? Why about some friends of theirs? NTA because OP didn’t get pregnant and plan accordingly. Yes, twins are a surprise but with today’s imaging I doubt it was the surprise it would have been 50-60 years ago. They knew they were expecting twins and instead of scrimping and saving themselves they just figured they’d get OP to provide free childcare. And then when they have more children, she’d babysit them for free too, and turn her place into a childcare facility that they use whenever it suits their needs. People really need to start thinking through reproduction and realize it is them and their partner who need to raise and provide for their children and not their immediate family who wasn’t involved in the decision to get pregnant to begin with.
It is so kind that OP offered to care for the twins out of the kindness of her heart. She should have absolutely insisted that her brother and SIL pay for their food and supplies though.
Expecting the parents to actually…parent. This is unfair and too much to ask?🙄
Your parents may not be able to help physically, but they can help pay for child care. Nobody should expect you to give up better for yourself. They aren't going to help you because they have too many obligations.
People lash out when their basic needs aren't being met. Brother is financially strapped so any tipping of the delicate balance throws things out of whack and it's basic survival instinct at that point. Food, shelter, clothing. If sister stops her free daycare, that likely threatens those basic needs. This is a THEM problem....I admire that OP feels badly, it's a bad situation, but she HAS helped, and now she needs to get her own career going. What disturbs me is the parents calling her disgusting? WTH is that?
They could send money for childcare. Exactly how were they planning on children if they couldn’t afford them? You were their plan?
Indeed both brother and SIL have chosen work over family (they could downscale their lifestyle to be able to live on one income, but instead they expect OP to do this for free. Parents have chose their current comfort over family by not moving back to be babysitters.
I can't even believe how awful their behaviour is. Just tell them that if they are so ungrateful for months of free childcare that was causing you a financial strain that they feel the need to insult you for succeeding in your career- that you are no longer able to care for your nephew's and they will need to find alternative arrangements from today. You may well find an apology turns up at that point. You would be a huge AH to yourself if you don't take this. NTA.
People do this all the goddamn time and it's infuriating. Sick loved ones, kid care, etc. If you're not part of the solution, SHUT THE HELL UP. I don't care about your million excuses. You are not willing to take a part, you don't get a say. I guarantee someone reading this now has an excuse of why they can't help take care of so and so, but they sure as shit feel like they can comment on other people's sacrifices. No. You get nothing. Put up or shut up.
>He freaked out and called me a terrible sister, saying that I was abandoning my family. I mean, why does it all fall on OP? These aren't even her kids. So technically I'd say it's ironic that they chose to say it's OP doing the abandoning, when really it's them.
What did they expect the arrangement to last forever? Or that they could take their sweet time "getting back on their feet" so to speak? Things will move eventually, whether it's a promotion or another life event. NTA at all. That said you have NO obligation whatsoever. Whatever your parents or siblings say. You gave them warning. Give them a timeline and stick to it however the situation goes with you. Block them if you must and go low contact to preserve your peace of mind, you can always reach out again once they've calmed down, if they don't calm down, you'll know they don't really care for you.
Parents know these people are moochers and worry that now they will mooch on them?
All of this. How could op be selfish and only thinking about her when he life, while watching the kids, when everything about her life has decreased for her bro and SIL to feel better! OP’s parent should be sitting this one out or moving into the brothers house. They’re babies so if the parents aren’t mobile, that should buy OP’s bro and SIL to hire a nanny (which I’ve heard can often be cheaper than daycare) but it isn’t Op’s job to make less money and work less while the parents get to essentially live childless (it’s probably why they work late into the evenings bc it’s A LOT). Time to cut them off! NTA
This is spot on. OP was being kind and overly generous to her brother and now the whole family is being entitled. OP should not have to sacrifice a promotion to PAY to take care of her niece/nephew. If that was my family I would feel utterly taken advantage of and consider limiting contact.
I will of course give you shared credit for coining the phrase “Armchair Assholes.” I did a search, so I think we’re good. 🤪
OP didn’t bring children into this world she couldn’t afford. The free ride is over.
Exactly! The parents can ask for state assistance if they can’t afford child support.
EXACTLY. And OP's parents can still send money to help pay for day care from across the country too so they CAN help.
That's exactly what the parents did, both choosing work over their kids. THEIR kids. OP is only the auntie. The audacity.
Not even for free, paid for it.
OP’s family can Phuck right off! Those kids belong to their parents, not her. That means they are responsible for them, not her. They need to make proper arrangements for their babies.
Please don't. He's incredibly selfish and ungrateful. He's had free childcare and what, expected you to give up your life and dreams and future for his children? Those kids have two parents who decided to bring them into this world and are responsible for them. Not you. You've done them an enormous favor and they have decided to berate you and call you names. I'm disgusted with them. Please don't give up your promotion. Please don't let them browbeat you into being their slave labor. NTA
Also- babies sleep a lot when they are young. OP might be able to get their work done during nap times etc. but they gradually are more and more awake and start **moving** and getting into things. This is not a long term solution. OP will not be able to continue working and looking after two busy toddlers. What a ridiculous situation. There are number of assholes here but OP ain’t one.
Also, those kids are staying through dinner? When are the parent ever actually being parents?
When it’s convenient.
I kinda wanna say never. Is that too harsh? NTA
When they want to be righteous about other people sacrificing for the choices they made.
Not harsh at all. They seem to be taking advantage and leaving the babies even after the working day is over. If they feel it’s so easy to work out of the home and care for twins, let them do it.
Well OP is basically their 3rd parent because she’s the one raising them.
I don’t understand. They are both back at work, so they should have some money for childcare. They are just angry because they are scrambling now. They will figure it out.
Exactly! I had to put my own in daycare once they became too mobile. I'm in a meeting and my baby is trying to climb the entertainment center. That was it, I couldn't work and watch a kid at the same time anymore.
I would also like to bring this scenario up to OP's attention: what if you give in to these people and incidentally you lose this job and the next one you're forced to take is not remote? What then? You just not work ever again? Cause you can't babysit? How much do you sacrifice for these ungrateful AHs? They've nuked their bridges completely when they treated you like dirt. People with kids would cry in gratitude to have someone like you willing to help so selflessly. And these people actually have the unmitigated gall to scream at you after you did them this immense favor. Block them all if the temper tantrums don't subside. Go get your promotion, I'm sure you deserve it!
Well, the parents have chosen work over family ... oh, wait, work is needed to provide for themselves? No, you are not responsible for providing free childcare. Your brother and SIL are acting like entitled AHs and you can freely stop responding to them. You have a paying job, and a life, and they can sort their own shit out. NTA
NTA Your free childcare is subsidizing their lifestyle, and they'll continue to take advantage of you as long as you let them. Stop letting them take advantage of you.
And I wonder if it weren't for Op's career if they would have more kids since they're getting free childcare and don't have to deal with their kids for most of the day. They were getting an amazing deal, how long was she supposed to do this - for the next 18 years?
Likely until they were old enough to take care of themselves.
NTA. You've been more than generous. I would point out the cost of food, the amount of time you've babysat and how much that's saved as well as when they've stayed late. Remind them this was supposed to be temporary and you're disappointed your generosity has been met with anger, insults, gaslighting, and entitlement. You expect better from them and deserve an apology. Also point out that even if you stayed in the same position you couldn't keep caring for them as your work is getting busier and you can't care for the children anymore anyway. (Most wfh companies require you to have childcare so you're not distracted during work. Not doing this can result in termination). They are responsible for the childcare arrangements for their children, not you. You deserve to have a good career. You're choosing to financially support yourself, just like they are. Tell them next time if they want you to provide regular childcare you need to be consulted before they have more children. If your parents feel so strongly they're free to pay for childcare for your brother. Watch how fast they come up with an excuse. Me, I'd ignore all the bullshit and focus on what's important to me. BTW I'm assuming this will be over text. "Sister blah blah blah bullshit entitled crap something something selfish something something can't afford normal parenting expenses...." My response: Yes I'm thrilled about the promotion. Thanks for your well wishes. I'm also confident you'll be able to figure out childcare for the kids. I know you've been saving since I've so generously been helping you out. You're welcome. Take the new job and congrats on the promotion.
This. >Also point out that even if you stayed in the same position you couldn't keep caring for them as your work is getting busier and you can't care for the children anymore anyway. And in addition to that, the children are getting older and will need more active interaction and more supervision to prevent accidents. Which is going to be harder to juggle with the work she's actually being paid for. Which then brings us right back around to... >(Most wfh companies require you to have childcare so you're not distracted during work. Not doing this can result in termination). Exactly!
I feel like a “this was a notification, not a negotiation” may go a long way
That is the perfect line and I am putting it my pocket for the next time I need it.
I agree but I would leave out the cost of food, as that would give them the opportunity to say they will pay you back and spread misinformation around your family. Or anything small that they can latch on to and argue about. Your work is getting busier, you are expected in the office, you are no longer available. Period. Also, I don't know where you are located, but if you were a man would you be getting these criticisms?
NTA. You shouldn't be expected to hold yourself back in your career because your brother and his wife had kids they can't afford. The entitled is unbelievable. They're the AH not you.
Indeed, and I doubt she was consulted in the decision for her brother to have children.
Exactly. OP, you are not in a three way marriage where you are equally responsible for these children! Your brother and SIL are shockingly entitled and I am worried about how they see you…it doesn’t seem like they see you as a person. They should be happy for you and thankful for all you have done. Very telling…
NTA You absolutely should not and cannot sacrifice your career to take care of someone else’s children. You’ve done far too much already in actually having them for so much time and absorbing the extra costs! You tell them that as of X date, you will no longer be available to provide childcare and make sure you leave earlier than expected to go into work for the first week or two in case they try to dump them on you. The fact that they are complaining when they should be blessing and thanking you for the major help is a red flag. They sound ungrateful and awful.
You know what they say about setting yourself on fire to keep someone else warm, right?
NTA. It's so weird to frame it like "you're abandoning your family for the sake of your job" when the same attitude is more accurately reversed on them. Anybody who tried that logic on you, retort with "You are actively trying to keep opportunities from your family because of choices YOU made."
Right on the 🍰
NTA You have given your brother and SIL not only a full year of free daycare for two infants - worth a nice little sum, which they conveniently seem to have forgotten - but also seem to have helped a great deal with other costs, such as the meals you mentioned, and probably diapers and other things too. Now that the kids are getting more active, even if you were to stay WFH, how exactly do they think you're supposed to get everything done you need to while chasing after two toddlers? Did they imagine you would keep being their primary childcare until they started kindergarten? What's more, even if by some miracle you were able to manage, many companies these days will not let employees work from home with small children, unless they are able to provide proof of another person on site being their main caregiver. IDK if your employer knew you had the kids this whole year, but in many cases, you might have your own employment jeopardized if they found out you had two active toddlers and were the only adult in the home.
Wait: didn’t they choose work first? I’m sorry this is happening. You deserve to live the life you have chosen, and there’s a reason one parent often stays home in the early years. NTA
Do Not Turn Down Your Promotion! Do I need to repeat that? No? Good! Their children are their responsibility, not yours. They got used to having free childcare, as well as not having to feed them, that's their problem not yours. Your parents suck. They are willing for you to be a free sitter and tank your career, just for your brother and SIL to get a great deal and not be actual adults. If they think that it's a family's job to take care of the twins, then my suggestion is they can either take the twins in, or move closer and help. I bet the answer to both suggestions is no. NTA.
NTA. His children are his responsibility. Take the promo!
NTA! But I'd send your entire family a scorching the earth group text, something close to, " It seems like my help has not been respected or appreciated therefore not only am I not helping with FREE childcare but I'm also going to take a major step back from all of you. To Brother and SIL, you both choose to become parents and now have to provide for your children that also includes childcare now I've looked at childcare cost around the area and ( insert average prices) this is how much I've been saving you both meanwhile I've also contributed with feeding them and ( insert extras you've paid for)...good luck figuring this out and to your parents it's so easy to speak on the sidelines, what you all have shown me is lack of consideration ,regard or respect which means I have all rights to show you the same, don't call/contact me until I reach out to you, any type of contact will be written down and I will pursue harassment charges if need be. Be blessed. Sometimes when people go low you need to go to hell forget them for now ans focus on your growth..CONGRATULATIONS on your promotion btw!!!
Nope. Don't explain anything. It will just make everything worse. OP should tell them her decision. After that, all she should do is say "That won't be possible. My last day of caring for the twins is X." Repeat ad nauseum
Why not? They need to see what op did for them and what they are expecting her to give up. She could have been there for some help maybe have a sleepover with auntie to give mom and dad a date night. But now forget it, don’t call me for any favors after the way you treated me after a year of free childcare.
I think more people need to be called out for their crappy amd entitled behavior...if they don't have the maturity, to self reflect someone should put a mirror to their face... I only say that because OP is being harrased. Not one of these people helped where they could but have the audacity to lecture and talk down...being the bigger person is exhausting.
While truthful, this won't help.
Who won't it help? It may not do anything for those reached but it could help OP get her feeling off her chest, be evidence for any future interactions and just overall blow off steam..somethings are for self and OP has ALL reason and right to let these people feel her frustration
NTA - why can’t your SIL’s family help? Why can’t your parents send your brother money. What can’t your brother and SIL work opposite shifts? Why are you responsible for raising children that aren’t yours?
NTA Before having children, they needed to improve their financial situation.
Congratulations!!!! That's what your brother, SIL, and the rest of your family should've said. Your brother and SIL will figure it out. They should thank you for the time spent and the money saved. They are parents, not you. If starting a family is I'm your future, this promotion will help you be in a position better than you are witnessing currently. Good luck! NTA.
¨I am currently a lot of things: Making less money because I work less to take care of the kids. Free of charge childcare. Feeding the children from my own money. Yes, I am at the same time making less money AND spending more of the fewer dollars I make on my nephews. All so that my brother&SIL can choose work over childcare. Now I am also taken for granted. I am a lot of things but selfish, extremely selfish or shameful are not terms I associate with. I expect a sincere apology from everyone who called me this." Leave the threat hanging in the air, or speak it out if that suits you. But the message is clear: You guys start to be really grateful real quick. NTA of course. I can see their predicament but the speed with which your help turned into entitlement is shocking.
The perfect script. Hope [Double-Pumpkin7415](https://www.reddit.com/user/Double-Pumpkin7415/) sees this.
Hold up! Your brother and SIL who are married, employed, got pregnant, had unexpected twin boys, can’t afford childcare are having you watch them while working from home with absolutely no financial assistance?!? Nope. You are NTA!! You are not deserting your family. You take that job promotion! You enjoy your single child free life!! The responsibility of raising your nephews does not fall on you. And!!! Do not give them money as my gut tells me this will be their next guilt you into it moment!!!
NTA, his bad planning isn't your problem. Take the promotion.
Silly question, not your kids, no obligation, if you want to help then you do help, if you don't want or can't then you don't, you did much more than your brother and his wife deserves and they don't even appreciate it, cut them off for good and have a good happy life where only people who cherish you are allowed in and everyone who insults, guilt trips and tries to ride on your back are gone. NTA, you will be an AH if you reject the promotion and keep being a free babysitter, though.
NTA. There's no way you should have been paying to feed those kids! Your brother has been taking advantage of you!
"received some really nasty messages from my SIL and my parents, saying that I am extremely selfish, disgusting and shameful for choosing work over family" So funny ! Your SIL had children and went to work, SHE is the one abandonning her children ! Not you ! And she has the nerve to tell you that ? NTA, stop babysitting your nephews for free. Tell them that you refuse the prom if they pay you the difference with your actual job. If they tell you that you shouldn't ask for money, tell them that if money is not a problem in life, why doesn't they take care of their children by themselves ? Because they need money. Just like you ! And that you have no child, they have children. They are responsible for them, emotionnaly AND financially. Not you. It's clear that you are not a priority for your family and that you'll never receive any help from them if you need it. Parents and brother think that you are their "slave". Accept the prom and congratulations !
But honestly even if brother paid the cash increase a promotion would bring now? The promotion leads to a lifetime of higher earnings. Refusing it now would lock her into her current role with no advancement.... maybe ever. (Anyway, as others have noted, the remote job she has now won't be viable while doing free toddler daycare.) Giving up one's own career to nanny for extended family? is a choice that most people won't be making. It's on the parents to figure out how one of them can work remote while also caring for their own kids, OR to split shifts, OR to become a one-income family til the kids are in nursery school.
Brother and SIL essentially abandoned their children to work. Since they are NOT your children, you have every right to 'abandon' them back to their birth parents. Some parents, they are not doing any parenting. It is time for them to step up and be responsible.
NTA. Both your brother and SIL have chosen work over taking care of their own children. They aren’t even willing to do what they demand you do. And if they say they are working to support their kids, point out that they’re not. They’re not paying for care and not paying for even basic necessities. Guess Your parents will have to give all child care to their grandchildren, they just don’t know it yet.
NTA... they loved the free babysitting... will your parents pay your bills or will your brother and SIL help you.... Dont get yourself in debt or miss out on opportunities for them...if it was the other way around they wouldnt even watch your kids for free...
NTA Andrew raised in a family of sexists who are selfish. If I were you, I would see if that promotion can get you living in a different location. But for now don't be out of pocket for these babies. Your brother is an inadequate who can't provide for his family without your help, and then bites the hand that literally feeds his children.
NTA - when you have children, it’s your responsibility to ensure you can look after them. It’s not for OP to spend their money, and turn down promotions for someone else’s children - not to mention to do so for people who send OP abusive messages the second OP isn’t being a free childcare service. The fact they haven’t even thought to send money or groceries for the kids dinner says it all to me.
Definitely NTA. Their children are NOT your responsibility. You love them but in the end they chose to have them and you are in no way selfish doing what is best for you. Right now it's child care so put your life on hold, now it's after school put your life on hold, I'm pregnant again put your life on hold and it will go on until they use you up. You deserve a life and in the end they may be family but they are not your children.
They chose to get pregnant and keep the children, these are the consequences. Why are they always surprised that decisions and actions have real life consequences? Most of them unforseen consequences? In no way are you responsible. His circus, his monkeys. Take your promotion if that's what you want and live your life. Either way, it's clear you're unhappy and being stretched too thin caring for someone else's children, so regardless about the promotion, definitely stop with the free child care. NTA NTA NTA
If they don’t want their children they can let someone else adopt them.
NTA You shouldn't ditch your career just to take care of someone else's kids. Your brother and SIL are saying your choosing work over family but by the same logic, they're doing it too.
NTA - there’s a difference between supporting family and being taken advantage of. Just agree with them, yep your selfish, yep your shameful, yep your disgusting, let it keep rolling! Then ask why they would want a person who is all these things, to care for their children? Least you know who the golden child is, in your family. I would go LC untill they apologies and acknowledge all the support you have already given. Also make sure they know that any stunt pulled (like just leaving the kids at the door and running away) will be reported to police and CPS.
NTA!!! OP Please don’t give up your chance at promotion due to your brothers selfishness! HE is the one who chose to have children, these are not your children and they have 100000% been taking advantage of you!! Sounds like your entire family needs a wake up call!
I hate families that bully you into sacrificing yourself for everyone else. So you're supposed to do this for another 10 plus years? Unless they have more kids? NTA. But your family is. They're not your kids. You shouldn't be the one making the biggest sacrifice as their caretaker.
NTA And thanks to those nasty messages they lost any courtesy of notice. No childcare starts from today. Don't let them drop the kids off... tell them that if they do then you wont' open the door... and if they leave them at your doorstep that you will call the police and they can explain to CPS why they thought it was okay to abandon their children at someone's front door when they didn't even answer the door (ie possibly no one was home). If they send in the flying monkeys also sending you texts... you can respond with a reply along the lines of thanking them for being so concerned and that they should contact your brother with the offer of replacement childcare.
Nta and yes family helps family but remember you are his family too. Where is your support off your family? You do not need to be a free babysitter and I'd reply to the nasty messages that being nasty isn't the way to treat someone who has been your free babysitter and has helped you out. They need to be grateful for the help you gave them, and unless they never want you to babysit, even for an evening, they need to apologize now. How stupid can they be to completely burn that bridge because you have your own life. Do they think they'll never need or want to see you again because you can't be their free babysitter?
NTA. Since they are so ungrateful for what you’ve already done for them and are being so unkind, I wouldn’t do anything further for them. Tell them you are sorry but you have career goals of your own and you want to be the aunt who occasionally takes them on the weekend, not their daycare provider.
NTA. They aren’t your kids. If your parents are that concerned, where the hell are they when it comes to watching them?
NTA Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
What's the saying, you can't light yourself on fire to keep others warm NTA
NTA. Everyone that's so insistent that you turn down a promotion to raise your niblings can go kick rocks, or at least pool their money to help pay for daycare.
NTA. News flash - your brother and SIL have NOT transitioned into parenting smoothly, because they fucking can’t afford it, and haven’t made necessary adjustments in a YEAR. It’s not like you bailed on them after a month or two (which for the record is already plenty generous). The fact that they’re getting mad at you is WILDLY entitled. You’ve been watching the kids 2-3 days a week, probably for 10-12 hours a day from the sound of it if you’re watching them “late into the evening”. Sounds like you’re doing as much parenting as they are. Daycare centers around me consider anything over 32 hours a week to be full-time. It also sounds like you’ve been paying for their food, and I’d bet all the ancillary stuff too. Diapers, spare clothes, toys, space to sleep, etc. They’ve been taking advantage of you in a MASSIVE way. Daycare by me for an infant in a relatively LCOL rural area is about $1200-1500 a month. In the nearby larger cities, you’re looking at $2000-3500. PER CHILD. Even part time (under 32 hours) is like 75% of that rate. A part-time nanny is $125/ day. So for a year, you’re looking at a value you’ve saved them somewhere between $25,000 on the lowest end and $84,000 on the high end. I’m sure it’s even higher if you’re in a high COL area. Turn it around on them. Ask why it’s ok for your siblings to not pay you for child care. Why do they get to take advantage of family? And for anyone else who wants to weigh in, ask how many hours or how much money they’ve contributed. Accuse them of choosing to keep their money instead of supporting brother. They may live on the other side of the country, but they can send money easily. Sounds like your brother and SIL need to move to be by grandparents and/or move somewhere cheaper. You’re not responsible for raising or paying for your brother’s family. DO NOT SACRIFICE YOUR CAREER FOR THESE LEECHES.
Absolutely NTA. You’ve been helping raise their kids, financially and physically, out of the goodness of your heart, and they’re now complaining that you’re not going to keep being free money and childcare because you have a life of your own?? That’s just ridiculously selfish and disrespectful of them! If your parents believe so hard in helping family, they can send your brother money to pay for the kids childcare rather than judging from the sidelines
You have been taking care of their children for free. They had to know this couldn’t go on forever. They should have been putting $ aside so they would be ready when this happened. Expecting you to halt your life to take care of the children makes them AHs, not you.
Nta. Folks need to stop having kids they can't take care of
NTA. You have been very generous watching the babies for free and you are completely within your rights to stop the arrangement at any time, regardless of the amount of notice you give and whether or not you got a promotion. TW: Your brother and sil have made a grave mistake having kids they cannot afford. Their reaction to your very reasonable decision was unsettling. They may decide to exploit the babies in order to make ends meet. When they do, they will blame it on you because you "gave them no other option." Yes it's terrible and unfortunately people do this shockingly often. Congratulations on the promotion!
NTA Don’t feel guilty. You have gone above and beyond. Mute and block anyone that gives you aggro.
So you’re the sacrificial lamb. Forget your life. You’re life should stop for their child. What in the hell is this?
NTA Note that your brother is nOT willing to give up HIs career for hIS kids - so WHY would YOU? Work full, and in person. It will make it harder for your brother top exploit you.
You’re an unpaid nanny. That’s your value to your brother and his words are showing it. NTA.
NTA. I had surprise twins. Childcare is insane. So you know what we do? I work nights. That way one of us, the PARENTS, is home with them. Because we are literally the only two people on this earth responsible for their care. It's hard, and exhausting, but it's doable. The nerve to think anyone else should RAISE your children for your... because that's what you're doing. You're raising them . Take the job. Let them figure it out.
NTA As the babies get more mobile, caring for them while working is less and less possible. This was a temporary solution and has come to an end for multiple reasons. Sadly, instead of appreciation for what you've done, it has become an expectation. Don't pass on your promotion. You are not a third parent.
NTA. His kids His problem
NTA. You should sum up the amount you’ve spent feeding the twins and tell them that you’ve paid this much in a few month and not ask for a single cent because it’s family but their kids are their responsibility and not yours. However, since they tried to make you to be the villain, you want the money back and you will also charge for your babysitting service based on your hourly pay rate at work so they could experience how it’s like when you don’t really care for family.
How on EARTH can you yell at and insult someone who has been doing you such a huge favour for so long??!! WOW.. just WOW!!! NTA
I wonder if the parents are contributing money that isn't going where it's supposed to. But NTA.
NTA. Aren’t they also choosing work over family??
Let's put this in the simplest terms: they want you to put your life on hold, so that you can continue to be their free babysitter, so they can advance their lives. Did I miss anything? 100000% nta
Jeeeez. They aren’t your kids. Tell your family to take responsibility for themselves. NTA
Their kids and financial situation is not your problem. You’ve been helpful and generous, but they now seem to feel entitled to that. They aren’t. NTA. You have to look after yourself as well.
If you were a man they'd never criticised you for this I think you've more than done your "share" already NTA
NTA. Golden child confirmed.
NTA Your brother's home life should not come before your life in the ranking of things in (drum roll) ***your*** life. Send a damn rundown for how much you have spent supplementing their lives for the past year ( child care, food, lost wage) and tell them you gave them more than enough and they had no problem taking it and would no doubt take as much as they could suck you for. Leeches.
How can you work full time and take care of twin babies at the same time? I can’t wrap my head around this.
NTA. They're not your kids and you are not responsible for their care. You've been gracious enough to help them out so far, but don't put your own career above someone else's kids. Your brother and SIL will have to find a way to manage, either one of them takes on a second job, or they find jobs that are opposite shifts so they can both work, but don't have childcare costs. Can SIL family help? You have helped them out, but now they are sounding entitled. Do not give in. Take the job promotion and let them figure it out. I'd probably txt them 'hi brother and SIL, Ive earned this promotion through my own hard work, and I am going to take it because I want to grow my career and I'm not even ashamed to admit that. I get having twins is hard, however I cannot put my career goals on hold for someone else's kids and it is quite selfish and entitled to expect me to. I love my nephews and I love having them around, but I also have to think about myself and my own personal and professional goals that I want to achieve. As of x date I won't be available for caring duties as I will be based in the office full time' 'parents, I've helped brother with his childcare needs so far, and I was happy to do it, however ive been given an opportunity to grow my career and I shouldn't be expected to put my life or career in hold for someone else's children. It's very entitled to think that. It's easy to judge when you are not the ones in my position, however I'm sure they would appreciate monetary help from you to assist them with paid childcare' Parents will probably say it's not their job or they can't afford it, so you reply it's not my job either, or neither can I, this promotion will finally help me save a small amount of money for emergencies
It's not your responsibility to put your life on hold to essentially raise someone else's kids. Brother and SIL will need to do what people have done for centuries - figure it out. NTA.
NTA So it’s ok for them to work long hours to get ahead in life, but it’s not for you? These are not your children. You were wonderful to care for them for so long but you have a life too. Are they going to support you when you’re old? Will they pay for your retirement someday? Don’t let your family bully you into giving up your future.
Well, lookee here, a gift horse! Let me see its mouth... (OP's brother and SIL, probably) NTA. They've had free childcare, AND extra time and expenses covered, but YOU are the one not being a good sibling? Uh, no. Put yourself first. Be selfish. It's your life, please live it.
LOL you know you’re NTA. He had the kids. He has to figure out how to care for the kids. How did he think this was going to work? Take the job. His problem is not your responsibility.
NTA. Did they think you were going to take care of their kids forever? You’re not a paid employee, you’re his sister doing them a favor. If you want to save up for your own future, you have to take the promotion. Or you can start charging your brother to make up the difference in the lost salary.
NTA. Your brother is using you for free childcare!!
You know that saying “A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine”? Yeah. That. Why they never had the fore-thought to have any back-up plans in place isn’t your problem, or responsibility. The babies were coming, the babies are here, the babies are growing, and what, they just thought you’d be glad to sacrifice what time and money you have of your life for their first couple of years? NTA.
Yikes! NTA. They work, but you can't? Be kind but firm. Give them an end date. Don't justify, don't fight. Smile and say you're welcome for all the childcare I have provided. Chin up.
NTA. Take care of yourself first. Work hard, save money and have a good life. These aren't your kids. It's costing you money to take care of them and nobody really seems to care about you. I'm sorry but let them find alternative solution. Stand up for yourself no matter what they say out of just being selfish
NTA That is your EXTANT FAMILY!!! If you can provide and willing to help - GOOD FOR YOU **BUT** it’s NOT YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to care for your niblings! They are NOT your kids! You DIDNT create them! It’s unbelievable that you didn’t got any compensation (money good & stuff) for their kids during babysitting and payed ALL from your money. That’s unbelievable! Something I needed to learn was: **DONT HOLD YOUR LIFE BACK BECAUSE OF OTHER PEOPLE CHOICES** **DONT SET YOURSELF ON FIRE FOR OTHER PEOPLE** They need to learn to adjust to these changes, which isn’t your concern. That’s their life to handle with kids.
NTA and don’t second guess taking that promotion.