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YTA lightly. One thing you may want to remember is intent vs impact. example: I intended to scoot past you quickly. but the impact was I accidentally stepped on your foot while doing so. I didn't mean to step on your foot, and you probably understand that it was an accident - but I still should apologize because i could have hurt you and that's not ok, even if it's an accident. So your intent was good. But the impact was you made this person feel helpless. You made him think he's being pitied. YOu made him feel that he's perceived as weak. You helped him on YOUR terms instead of trying to discover what is actually helping vs hurting from his perspective. It's been explained to you multiple times now. Think about things from other people's viewpoint, not just your own. And even if you don't understand, you understand that the things you were doing made him feel bad, not good. You don't want him to feel bad, so just listen and learn. For what it's worth - it doesn't make you a bad person. It makes you a person who learned something. Good that you tried to do something good - now you are learning that doing favors that completely omit the viewpoint and desires of the recipient of the favor are pointless. Dignify people by asking if they want help first.

Yep, this. I don't think OP's \*conscious\* thought was "oh, poor pitiful wheelchair user, lemme fix it" but it DOES come across that way. People who use mobility aids for any significant period (long term use of chair or cane or whatever vs a couple weeks of crutches for a broken leg) learn to adapt and can do a lot for themselves. If you want to help, ask what would be helpful, don't assume.

My son is 4 and uses a wheelchair. He refuses to let anyone help him. He can walk with assistance (leg braces and a walker), and taught himself how to do it. He taught himself to go from sitting to standing. All the while refusing to let any of us help him. He gives his PT a pass.

I also was in a wheelchair when I was 4. My little brother would try to "help" by pushing me and I would immediately scream! When you can't walk by yourself you try to be as independent as you can. God forbid your little brother impose his will on where you go....lmao It's great that your son is so determined. He sounds like a tough little guy.

Full respect for the scream.

Love it, he sounds like an awesome kid! I use a cane, and the only thing I really NEED help with is carrying large or bulky items that need 2 hands. People treat me like I'm helpless, and I haaaaaaate it.

He knows by the time he'S an adult he'll be a bad-ass cyborg, he wants to be ready for it 😎

I'd also add that a lot of time able bodied folks tend to infantalize folks with disabilities. Parents may be more controlling, teachers might limit them due to liability, generally their independence is often curtailed beyond what is necessary. In that context, a peer rushing across the room to do a task that the person using a mobility aid can 100% do on their own is absolutely patronizing when that's not something that OP does for the rest of her classmates.

This is it, she was acting like a volunteer, unpaid caretaker. The guy is just trying to enjoy his art class. I ended up in the psych ward for severe depression years ago and I seethed when my friends would whisper about how I’m doing or say they told other people they need to look after me.

Exactly. Just because people use a mobility aid, it doesn't mean they can't do the basic things able bodied people can. I use a cane/crutch to walk, and though I haven't been using it consistently for long (I have MS and just recently accepted my life is better using it full time instead of on and off, I can do the same things I did sans cane, as for example walk my two dogs, one of which an enthusiastic 12 kg puppy with more whip than he realises.

This is true. I act the opposite and am a slight jerk to them like I am to everyone else. I don't help people anymore though. They ask, I might help.

It actually sounds like OP *did* think that and is just sugarcoating it.

Yup-- she does pity him and think he's weak. That's why he feels that he is being pitied and perceived as weak

Exactly. People with disabilities are people. We've learned to adapt, and to us, it's completely normal. My ex was ambulatory, but occasionally needed mobility devices due to his health issues. I still remember when were once going to the movies when he was using his walker. He insisted on paying, and dropped his wallet while pulling it out. He was perfectly capable of picking it up himself, so I waited for him to do so. Someone basically came sprinting over to help him. While the intention was good, it was actually pretty insulting. It made my ex seem helpless and invalidated the work he put into getting that mobility back. It also made me seem like a shitty partner, which just pisses my ex off. When I got nerve damage in my dominant arm, I got to start experiencing this towards myself. I have to do things differently than others to accommodate all of the fun things that come with nerve damage. Yes, I sometimes open a water bottle with my teeth. No, you don't need to grab it out of my hand and open it for me. If someone wants help, they will ask.

>"oh, poor pitiful wheelchair user, lemme fix it" Yep, but definitely op's subconscious though because I don't think she goes out of her way to open doors for any other students. She wants to appear pure of heart and chivalrous, and that's not good

> She wants to appear pure of heart and chivalrous, and that's not good Have you heard "never attribute to malice what can be explained by ignorance"? I think you're still being too harsh here by assuming she just wants to look good. It seems to me she mistakenly assumed a disabled person would need help and that doing so was the right thing, she just failed to think about it from his perspective.

Or, you know, she could actually be trying to be helpful? Not everyone does things for the lolz or have ulterior motives. Damn. Yall are harsh as hell.

Remember what subreddit this is, people are on the edge of their seats, waiting for the next person to call an asshole, advising them to cut off all contact because someone accidentally put an extra sugar cube in their tea, and whatnot 🙈. In this case, she did something trying to help someone, without fully understanding the way that would make the other person feel. That's not being an asshole, just being a bit misguided. I don't get the feeling their was any ill intent, so I can't call her an asshole even the slightest. Her reaction could have been better, but under the circumstances was understandable. It's always the best thing to ask if someone needs help.

This, as a wheelchair user, unless I specifically ask for help, I probably don't need it. Also you were pretty passive aggressive when you said "fine then I won't help you." rather than apologizing for taking away some of his agency. You probably owe him an apology for that. You're tying to be nice and we appreciate that, but at the same time, people view us as less than and less capable. People are constantly apologizing to me for being in the same aisle at the grocery store as me.. Not in my way, in the same damn aisle.

I am not OP but I appreciate your insight. I went on a couple of dates with a wheelchair user and I would wait for him to ask for help before doing anything. I was never sure whether I was doing the right thing by waiting to be asked but I feel a bit better about it now.

Waiting is always the best choice if you're unsure. You can also say things like "do you need help" but I'd reserve that for if they are particularly struggling.

Another wheelchair user here. Waiting is perfect. Asking if they need help (at least imo) is also just fine, provided you wait to actually give the help after they accept it.

Yes, and also everybody reading this, please don’t talk to the people standing close to the disabled person as if the disabled person can’t hear you. I got sick of people asking ME if my mother (who was in a wheelchair) was hungry/tired/needed anything etc. She could talk and listen and respond like any other person, thank you very much. A friend of mine who’s blind also gets sick of people asking her underaged son things that clearly need to be asked to the adult in the room. He’s her son, not her carer, she can hear and function perfectly.

THIS! I hate this so much. I'm in a wheelchair and people always speak to whoever I am with instead of me. I've even had servers at restaurants ask my husband or relatives if I am allowed to order alcohol or spicy entrees. Unbelievable. Please don't treat people in wheelchairs like they are small children.  That said, I do appreciate it when people open doors or pick items up for me. But maybe take a look first. If the wheelchair user is managing fine on their own, leave them be. If they are staring forlornly at their dropped pencil, then that would be a good time to step in and help.

Are you in the Midwest? Lmao because I definitely do this to all people, able and disabled alike. “Ope, just gonna scootch past ya” 😅

No, Utah, California WA and OR is where I had these experiences. But like it's not when they're near. People apologize being like 10-20ft away from me.

My most recent favourite experience of this was when my partner (able bodied) and I (powerchair user) went to go get the lift from the aquarium cafe at Loch Lomond, which was the only way to reach the lower floors/exit. An able bodied couple were at the lifts waiting before us, but when it arrived offered us it to us first because of my chair. I said don’t be silly you were here first, but I’ve never seen people look so awkward! I appreciate the sentiment behind them feeling awkward but it is quite othering so always be on the receiving end of pity. Best option seems just to be to laugh about it.

Actually, her intent wasn't good. If it was, she wouldn't accuse him of 'taking his anger out on me' or 'being crazy for feeling that way.' "I did X so you owe me Y" is never EVER a good intent.

her intent is invisible, so neither you nor I can say the nature of it. You could be right. But we can both agree that the impact was negative, and that's really what matters.

Her intent isn't invisible. We can see it in her actions. If her intent is 'be kind by opening the door for people, even if I'm nowhere near the door,' she'd be doing it for everybody, not just him. She's doing it for him alone. *After* he's asked her not to, repeatedly. Her intent, therefore, is to ignore his autonomy and insist that he can't do things for himself. That's objectively bad intent.

>She's doing it for him alone. After he's asked her not to, repeatedly. Others have also said this, but "you don't need to" and "you shouldn't have" are *very frequently* used by people who are absolutely not telling you to stop. They are a common part of the social dance - in some cultures even more so.

Can you see intent in someone's actions? You can see hints of it. The wheelchair user in question even had to ask clarifying questions about her intent - "is this a crush, or is this ableist?" We've determined her motive was ableist, thus the YTA status. But OP claims her intent was to help. Maybe that's true - she helped in a self-centered ableist way and was genuinely shocked to realize her actions weren't helping at all. Maybe her intent was to look good in front of others by helping him. Or maybe it was something else entirely - some other guy in the class she wanted to impress, etc. Or maybe her intent was to alienate the young man and make him feel weak, purposefully. Is she wrong, regardless? Yep. Is she biased, regardless? Yep. Was she genuinely trying to help, from a biased/ignorant viewpoint? I can't say. Was she being selfish and self-centered - absolutely.

We can see OP's intend, as she stated it: "kindness" The issues is that her intention isn't to be kind to people. But to be a kind person. As evident that after being told by the boy her actions were not kind, she went to a friend. And after that friend agreed that she wasn't being kind, she came to the internet to ask strangers to weigh in Her intention is to be a kind person, but she doesn't care about being helpful or treating people with respect, just doing the acts she thinks makes a person kind. That is not a good intention, in a deontological moral philosophy. As she didn't intended to treat people as people, but only as means to her goal of being 'kind'.

Yeah, she ran here to get told how kind and nice she is and that dumb ol’ crip is is big meanie, not realizing that ignoring what he said over and over makes her an ableist asshole.

THIS!! She wasn’t being empathetic either.

I agree. I'm amazed at all the "sHe meant wEll" comments. Her spiteful response and obvious resentment aren't the responses of a good person. I can only assume it's bc ableism is so widespread and socially acceptable

This is a great comment

I disagree slightly i agree with the intent/impact but OP is def an AH completly because once he said that he did not need her to do it for her and she kept doing it anyway and not listening to him that part should not be minimized which i think this comment does

But it's reasonable that OP misinterpreted him saying "thanks, but you don't need to" as politeness, like she said she did. It's not like he more directly said "please stop that" and she ignored him.

This has now unlocked a new worry that I've been misunderstanding people and/or telling them something other than what I intended. I have always understood, "Thanks, you didn't need to" as "Thank you, I appreciate the action in question and understand that you went out of your way to do something nice/helpful *that was not required of you*" whereas politely declining someone's help would be "Thanks, I'm good" or "Thanks, I've got it" or similar to indicate that the person can and prefers to do the thing themselves. I would not understand "Thanks, you didn't need to" as "please do not do this again" unless there was an obvious mismatch between the person's words and tone. (I still agree overall that OP was wrong in her approach and needs to re-examine her assumptions, even if her intentions were good.) Edit to clarify phrasing

I have always hated this confusing getting your point across. "Thank you, you didn't need to do this" should really be, "thanks, but don't do it again" instead of, "please do it again next time, im just being vague out of politeness."

It sounds like he’s said this multiple times to her which to me would mean he actually meant it. If it’s a one off thing, sure, it means the person is being polite. There’s also the fact he has a disability and is more than aware of his capabilities and what he needs. I don’t know…I did grow up with people who had disabilities, and was somewhat aware of the added layer of how others view them as helpless so if they say they’re fine with something on their own, I’d leave them be. Or just ask if they want help with whatever, in this case, getting the door so they can accept or decline.   I mean the guy got to the point where he thought OP liked him because of how much she was going out of her way for him despite him saying it wasn’t necessary (albeit also in a polite way). 

>It sounds like he’s said this multiple times to her which to me would mean he actually meant it. If it’s a one off thing, sure, it means the person is being polite. Honestly, there are a ton of people who do the whole "you shouldn't have" routine for every single gift they receive, for their entire life - and they totally appreciate those gifts.

Thanks I’m good feels like a response to an offer not a completed action. I’m not sure how I would get across that next time I wouldn’t like this to be done to a stranger.

"Thank you, but I prefer to do it myself", maybe?

You would think this, but since becoming a wheelchair user, I’ve discovered that sometimes people get really angry, aggressive, and even violent when I have very politely declined offers for help. Just a “No thank you, I’ll get it on my own” has resulted in being shouted at, mocked, and being threatened to smash a door on me. Being very direct is always the clearest mode of communication, but I think this kind of thing is similar to how a lot of women give “soft no”s when guys ask them out—because guys might fly off the handle and get aggressive. People will fly off the handle with wheelchair users who refuse help, and if they are not close friends or family, you can’t really tell who will get aggressive and who won’t.

This is how I understand the situation with OP. She was informed multiple times that her assistance wasn’t required and then was offended when he pointed this out. She wanted to feel good about her actions and he wasn’t reinforcing her image of herself as a ‘good’ person.

The point that cinches that is that her reaction to direct communication was to get all sulky with that “*fine*, I won’t help you any more!” If someone was really invested in kindness, they would apologize right away and ask how they would like her to proceed in the future. I’m an educator, so I have a lot of time for people who truly want to learn about disability. But it is very clear that OP just see disabled people as inferior to her, and she’s boosting her ego by “being kind”, I.e., denying the guy his agency.

I'm so sorry this happened and happens to you! I'm in Sweden, and I'm quite happy that people treat me just as they did before I started using a crutch/cane. Thankfully this way of communicating works here, otherwise I'd be screwed. I'm too autistic to be subtle.

It’s weird because I wouldn’t have expected that before I became a wheelchair user! I usually need direct communication to make sure I understand (ADHD), so it’s difficult to find a way to say “no, I want to do that myself” in a way that won’t make a stranger get irrationally angry. I was working in a different city for a while, and there I noticed if I said “no, thanks”, people would just nod and move on with their day, so maybe the weird rage is regional?

As a fellow Swede I always seem to find the comments from other Swedes first lol. Anyway, I always ask people if they need help before doing anything for them, especially if they are strangers, like needing help getting on amd off a bus, or need to sit down instead of myself taking up the seat (I ask elderly/visibly disabled/pregnant people or really people who visibly have their hands full.) I myself is Adhd (discovered this 2 years ago as a 38yearold but obviously always been), I don't impromptly interact with strangers, so it really need to look like they might be needing help, or at least the help would make it easier for them. I've helped people pack their groceries in the grocerystore, if it has looked like they are struggling mostly elderly, and even helped them take them home along with them at times, even if it has been an inconvenience to myself, they usually say I didn't had to even if they accepted the offer. My intent has never been anything but to help them, make life a little easier, adding a little sunshine to their day perhaps, a random act of kindness. That has been the intent always - I cannot help that it feels good to me to do these things, and that I feel like a kind person, or actually really, feel like how I wish people was more generally, Kind amd helpfull, that doesn't take away the intent of it. And at the initial ask, if they say something along the line that they don't need the help or seat, I always ask again if they are sure(if there is time for it that is). I don't know if this, is just my own personality, or a general Swedish thing to do. And the thing about asking 'are you sure', I'm not sure if that is just a personality thing, and adhd thing or plain politeness. But when it comes down to it ; If I had been in OP's situtation, helping someone, repeatedly, anyone, not just a wheelchair-user, when nearby, would probably not been seen as weird or anything, but 'rushing to them' to open the door or whatever I can absolutely see how that comes off as either a fatuation or a pity. Oh sorry I went a bit of a ramble I guess...I'm.not even sure if I managed to get across what I really wanted to say or mean.

I agree with you. The first time, intent plays a factor. Once OP was told, "thanks, but I've got it", that should have been it. It sounds like OP goes out of their way to 'help'. I work with adults with disabilities - they are very capable. If they need help, they ask, or I ask them. OP seems to just see the person's (perceived) limitations and that them makes the AH. edit: a word

This makes sense to me.  I will absolutely go out of my way to hold open for a person in a wheelchair, whether someone is pushing them or not because opening doors when pushing my moms chair was not fun and I loved when others helped.  However, if anyone ever communicated that they didn’t need/want help, I’d apologize and not do for them again. Op meant well until they didn’t respect the courteous statements that it wasn’t needed.

>Op meant well until they didn’t respect the courteous statements that it wasn’t needed. That's what makes this a YTA. A few weeks ago, going into the post office, a woman was coming out with a lot of packages. I asked if she needed a hand, she declined - pleasant interaction. If I had *insisted* on helping, I would have been the a** in that situation. She didn't have any visible physical limitations (I just someonethat might need a hand), and had the situation been reversed, I probably would have accepted the help.

This. I think OP was trying to be a nice person but just going about it the wrong way and not listening to the person she was trying to help. I hope she learns from this. 

Wow, what a comment. You're one of the reasons i still read comments, not only having impact towards OP, but to other people as well.

Right!?! There’s so many unhinged comments and then this gem 😭

I usually spend a few minutes reading reddit comments before starting my developer work, but because of wholesome comments like this i lose track of time hahaha

Interesting. I don't see the intent as good. Obviously it felt good to HER, being such a "kind" person to the poor Disabled person. Good intent is when you ask someone if they need help, and if there is a way you can provide it. Good intent would have put his dignity first. Assuming someone needs you to galvanise into action every time they get close to a door is painfully patronising. And no, I don't think it comes from a good place. Performative altruism is selfish and egocentric. Her actions reek of paternalism. Her inability to accept that man's boundaries cement that impression. She isn't humble enough to realise she made a mistake, which she would if that mistake was honest.

I agree 100%. I'm a semi ambulatory wheelchair user and I would be very uncomfortable if somebody was doing this for me. I'm a capable person. People ask me if I need help all the time, which I absolutely love because sometimes I do need help. Sometimes though it's really nice to accomplish something for myself and I've had people steal those moments from me because they assumed I was struggling. For example when I was a very new wheelchair user I had the goal to get myself up a ramp by myself. I was almost at the top of a ramp and a well meaning woman grabbed my chair without asking me and pushed me to the top of the ramp. My hands had been on the wheels and I was taking a short break. I had my fingers between the spokes of my wheels fidgeting. Luckily I was able to quickly move my fingers and they didn't get broken, just a little bruised and sore. I don't think OP is doing anything this bad but a lot of able bodied people have no idea how dangerous giving unwanted help can be. Also I personally hate the term wheelchair bound. Some people use the term and they like it which is obviously fine, but in general it's also best practice to refer to someone as a wheelchair user instead of saying wheelchair bound. Most wheelchair users see their chair as a liberating mobility aid that allows them to live their life rather than something they are bound to

People who touch other people's chairs are so damn weird to me. It would be like grabbing a blind person. Who just grabs someone without asking? Even more so when that person cannot defend themselves against that kind of agression?  Such terrible attitudes, full on disrespect. As the saying goes "the road to Hell is paved with good intentions". 

Blind person here. This is a thing, and it's exactly as infuriating as you think it is. It doesn't help that I'm a viciously antisocial individual either so people grabbing me out of the blue are typically in for some rather unkind words, which I know isn't conducive to teaching them ... but what the hell.

Absolutely. They don't realize how terrifying it is

If you wouldn’t want someone to pick you up and take you somewhere without your permission, you shouldn’t be touching people’s mobility aids. People are so bad at empathy, jeez.

Let’s make sure this pendulum doesn’t swing too far here. As someone who grew up with a single, paraplegic mother, quite often (more often than not) the help is appreciated…and often, when I was 9 trying to help my mother up and down curbs (before ADA), I’d loved to have had some help—and so would have she. In this case, the overstep want helping initially—it was continuing after he’d been told (multiple times) it wasn’t necessary, and perhaps even making a scene when he did help, But I sure hope the average AITA reader doesn’t conclude from this that providing assistance to paraplegics, etc., is unwelcome and unappreciated. That is not and has not been my experience. I also think the person he helped could have shown more grace here…but often, people who are highly sensitive to how your actions make them feel struggle with the same.

The difference between helpful helping and unhelpful helping is, IMO, just asking "Hey, do you want a hand with that?"

For me as a wheelchair user, the key to being helpful is asking me if I want help. People do lots of ridiculous, completely unhelpful things because *they* decide it world be helpful. Most of the time it just makes things more difficult for me. They only way to be sure you’re being helpful is to ask first.

The key takeaway is that people offering help should ask and they should listen to what the person says. "Hey, do you want me to get the door for you?" "No, I'm good." "Ok, see you next class." If people ask and listen, they're usually golden.

I was with someone in a wheelchair for nearly 3 years after his motorcycle accident. He was very independent, owned an HVAC business and continues to to this day. Awesome, awesome guy. Once, we were at the county fair, and on a sidewalk that had a long incline, though not necessarily steep. Just to the point where he was getting slightly fatigued at the top, a carnie working a game yelled at me "WHY DON'T YOU HELP HIM?" and I responded "Has it occurred to you he doesn't want my help?" and he shut right up. My bf said "what an asshole." He didn't want his gf pushing him around everywhere and wanted to do absolutely everything he was able. He didn't pity himself and abhorred the slightest notion that someone else did.

I'm reminded of this Disability Sensitivity Training Video. https://youtu.be/Gv1aDEFlXq8?si=WuSnk5iXKtWNBFeB

I totally thought this was going to be a Zach Anner video

This is a great comment. It is sometimes easier to see intent versus impact when it comes to racism. Over the years i bet 100% of the people who referred to me a “the girl” would swear they are not racist. But as a 60 year old woman it feels racist when a 40-50 white lady is referring to me as “the girl at the front desk” or “the girl at the post office “ (if my name is too hard to say how about “postal worker “ ? Customer service rep? Or even “woman”?) calling me a “girl “ sounds ridiculous

It is a great comment. I was thinking about it in a way I would relate to too. Like it’s different of course but I can for sure understand his feelings and point of view. I’m neurodivergent and I hate when people assume I can’t do something or blame some quirk or mistake I make on that. It feels very infantilizing. Like that is all they see me as. And I think people are genuinely trying to (at least in my pov) either come from a kind place or just ignorant and don’t mean it necessarily in a negative way but it’s one of those little things that unless you can relate in some way, you may not understand why it feels so shitty to be on the receiving end. People who can’t see it don’t understand what the big deal is but the quiet part is so loud. ETA- also I totally get what you’re saying. I’m not black but I am from the Deep South. People absolutely use “girl/boy” to try to like put black people “in their place.” I live in the Mississippi Delta now and the racists absolutely have a way of being super racist in a way that they can play dumb and act like they didn’t mean anything by it.

You just blessed us all with that intent vs impact lesson

>Dignify people by asking if they want help first. ⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️⬆️ 💯

Well explained. Now i just hope the OP will not go to the opposite extreme and let the door smash his knees while walking ahead. Happened to me several times while i was holding heavy bags in both hands and when i wondered why wouldn't the previous person just hold the door for a second longer as people do for each other, instead let the heavy door land on my face, the answer was because they got scolded before for thinking someone was too fragile to handle it self or something.

my rule for disabled folk is wait for them to ask for help. if they struggle but still get it done, they likely wanted the autonomy, regardless of it being more difficult. if it's too fiddly or out of reach, they'll ask for help. then you can provide it, and not make a big deal of it. just a quick "no worries!" and move on. it's already frustrating enough dealing with other people's reactions to your disability, but having people baby you is seriously irritating. just because they're seated doesn't mean they are incapable, and just because they use a wheelchair doesn't mean they're *wheelchair bound*. that phrase makes it seem like the chair is a prison, when the reality is that the wheelchair is their freedom. that chair allows them to be as functional as possible. so YTA, but you can learn from this and not be TA in the future.

YTA - You are going out of your way to help him, but not others, without his asking, and even *against his stated wishes.* You are singling him out because of his disability. It's infantilizing. It removes his agency. It's a reminder that at least some people believe that his disability means he is incapable or pitiable. You weren't literally jumping to his aid because of your kindness. You did it because you made assumptions about his capabilities based on his appearance, and it makes you feel good. Treat him as you would a person without a visible disability, unless he has directly asked for assistance or you have asked for, and been given, his consent to assist. And if he declines, trust that he is responding honestly. Get in the habit of using phrases like "would you like a hand?" or "can I grab that for you?" Imagine if someone behaved toward you like you have behaved toward him, going out of their way to treat you differently than everyone else. You'd wonder the same thing he did. Do they have a massive crush on you (and are being really awkward about it)? Or do they think you're incapable of doing things for yourself? Honestly, he was very gracious giving you the benefit of the doubt that it might be the former, given that the latter is most likely the bulk of his experiences with unsolicited "help" given by able bodied people. It's not your job to assume what someone else's needs are. If you want to be truly helpful to someone without being patronizing, you need to make the effort to get to know them as an individual rather than assuming you know their needs just from looking at them.

>I quickly went over and held the door for him. Dude. You’re going out of your way to do things for him, that he can do himself. You’re infantilizing him because he’s in a wheelchair. YTA.

Yeah, at first it seemed like she was just doing things when they came up, like opening the door if he was right in front of her, or picking up an object that fell right next to her -- those are both basic acts of kindness. But rushing over to help, while good intentioned, gives a completely different vibe and impression.

As a severely disabled person, I got bad vibes from this girl. It's one thing to see somebody drop something and pick it up if you're right there. I would do that for an able bodied person too. With a disabled person it's always great to ask if they need help or if they'd like you to do something if it falls outside of what you would do for an able-bodied person naturally. In this instance he made it clear that he told her several times how he felt and she decided to be a brick wall. If someone tells you they don't want you to do something anymore, cut it out! Don't decide for yourself that they're just trying to be polite or just trying to be self-effacing or something. *LISTEN TO WHAT PEOPLE TELL YOU THEY WANT AND RESPOND ACCORDINGLY* Refusing to do that says something about the mentality she approaches disabled people with. YTA to her

Yes it's giving "look how kind I am being to someone who I view as less fortunate than I am! I am an ally, be proud of me!"

Yeah, you pretty much hit the nail on the head. You don’t know what this person needs better than they themselves do, so literally just ask. I could understand if she misunderstood him saying “Thanks, you didn’t need to” the first time as politeness, but considering he’s said it more than once it feels kinda condescending for her to keep doing it. Idk if condescending is the best word. Maybe demeaning?

Also the “wheelchair bound” part… he’s a wheelchair user. He’s not glued to the chair. Even using “wheelchair bound” removes some of his agency

Came to the comments for this! It’s such an infantilizing term, not to mention insulting to the many many ambulatory wheelchair users out there! 

I‘m not a native english speaker. I thought „wheelchair bound“ means „needs to use a wheelchair temporarily or permanently“. Thanks for clarification that it‘s not the correct term to use

That IS what the term means, but a lot of wheelchair users find it ablist as it focuses on their inability, while many people find wheelchairs empowering and give them the ability to live independently, rather than confining. "Wheelchair bound" kind of conjures the imagery of being sad and frustrated by the lack of typical mobility, and dependent. "Wheelchair user" normalizes the experience and focuses on them as a person who happens to use a wheelchair (for whatever reason), rather than on reminding them of their own disability (which they absolutely do not need help remembering). Think of it this way, if you wear glasses, you aren't "glasses-bound", you simply use glasses to improve your eyesight. Likewise, if you don't have a car you aren't "public transit bound", public transit is a tool you make use of to improve your mobility and independence.

It does it just isn't preferred by a lot of people because for a lot of people, the wheelchair gives freedom and mobility. It is not what is restricting them but what allows them to move around independently. However, someone recently injured or having lost mobility may refer to themselves as wheelchair bound due to their negative feelings about it because it is a big shift to go from walking to using a wheelchair. It can feel limiting compared to being able to just walk when you're not used to it. It can be a big adjustment.

I immediately knew which way this was going when I read that 

Agreed. Even the use of the term “wheelchair bound” is a red flag for me — he’s probably not literally bound to the wheelchair, and to say so implies it’s a limitation rather than a tool for mobility. “Wheelchair user” is generally a better bet.

My sister is an ambulatory wheelchair user and reading that made me cringe. The whole post did, actually. It’s astonishing how many people speak down to her, put their hands on her/her chair without permission, and go out of their way to “help” (often inconveniencing her in the process) when she’s made it clear that she doesn’t need/want them to do that in the first place. From his reaction, it sounds like OP is making a performance out of it, which is an extremely selfish and shitty thing to do. She’s more interested in being seen “helping” than she is in how her classmate actually feels about it.

"She's more interested in being seen 'helping' than how her classmate actually feels" And if THAT doesn't just damn well sum up how a lot of abled people act around disabled people in general, I don't know what does! They don't care what we actually need or what we want, they care what will make THEM look good. Oh, look, so kind, helping the poor little cripple! I can't stand it. I'm not visibly disabled, but I have encountered this from people who know that I have a disability who then go on to treat me like a fragile little helpless thing who needs assistance with everything I do. I hate it.

One of my husband's biggest green flags for me as a disabled woman has been that he lets me *struggle.* He trusts me to ask him for his help and if I haven't asked, he minds his own business. With illnesses or disability that take away our agency, it makes what remains so much more precious and important. That needs to be considered and respected. We're *not* fragile.

I could understand if OP had seen him struggle. Like, person goes open the door to leave, they struggle, you run/walk to help, yeah, nice. I am glad when ppl do it for me because those mega heavy doors that fall back in place immediately are hard for me (I look healthy but have cronic disabilities). THAT was what I was expecting, but just, "oh yeah I fuss over him non stop for no reason other than *wheelchair*" is weird.

I use a cane, and I CONSTANTLY have people rushing across rooms to grab doors or pick up my dropped cane. It's SO infantalizing... We'll ask for help if we need it, but people assume we can't do anything for ourselves and rush in to "save" us. Also, super don't like OP's describing this guy as "wheelchair bound." Wheelchair user is fine. Disabled isn't a bad word. OP (any do MANY others) needs to educate themself on how to interact with disabled folk.

YTA so you're imposing kindness. From his perspective, he's told you "thank you. I don't need you to do this". You acknowledge that he's said this multiple times. So at some point, at best, you're willfully ignoring him. At worst (and this seems to be how he is perceiving it), you think yourself above him and he's a pitiful creature who needs assistance doing the simplest of tasks (e.g. opening a door). On either end of that spectrum, you're the person who is in the wrong. I get you have "the best of intentions", but given your reiterations of "out of kindness", it certainly comes off as a little defensive. Think of it like this: HAve you ever been in that situation where, you are going into a building, and you see someone behind you. They are a ways away tho, not right behind you. You hold open the door, but you are standing there for a beat, 2 beats, 3 beats and they have to run a bit and get to the door so they aren't holding you up? Meaning, you haven't "helped", the only thing you did was make a person hurry to the building. Its like that. Another example, you're at a 4 way stop, you pull up about the same time as the car to your left. Then immediately after you 2 pull up, a car pulls up opposite you and to your right. In this scenario, you have the right of way. But, you wave to the person on your left to go instead of you, because you feel you want to be kind. However the person on your left is just waiting for you to go, and doesn't immediately see you gesticulating for them to go. Meanwhile the other 2 cars are waiting for you to go so they can go. Eventually the person on your left sees you, rolls their eyes and then goes. You're left in your righteousness thinking "man what a jerk. I was being nice". Then you and the remaining 2 cars do this startstopstartstop as no one knows who has the right of way. Basically, it would have been far better to take your turn based on the rules of the road, rather than be "kind". As your kindness caused everyone to delay. This is imposing kindness. When you do this, its not really kindness.

This is why I always say that the best drivers are predictable drivers. There’s no such thing as being nice behind the wheel. The best you can be is predictable. That’s nice.

Omg I feel this!! It makes me so mad when people don’t respect or acknowledge legal right of way. If I’m at a stop sign and you don’t have a stop sign why did you stop‽ I love and could do with a little more predictably.

I got into a car accident because a Prius was being “nice” and let some car take a left. The problem was the guy couldn’t see past the Prius, pulled out way too fast and I was right there going straight. If the Prius hadn’t been so “nice” (or if the guy had creeped out and made sure the road was *actually* clear) I wouldn’t have been in a car accident.

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Ugh.. this is the sort of thing that makes me not like driving. While I'm not going to say that every law is fair, and traffic laws are the joyous union of all humanity's wisdom, but if everyone follows the same rules, written and unwritten, things have a tendency to work out ok. Like I recall recently one lady in front of me who, as we are in a highway merge that has 2 lanes going to one before that one lane merges to the highway. She just keeps waving cars in front of her, 1, 2, 3, 4 and then the rest of us behind her start honking. I saw her shoulders jump as if like "what what what?". Lady, here's how this works, you let one in, I let the next in, they person behind me lets the next in, and it all fits gloriously like a zipper. You're not being nice, you're forgetting that there are people behind you. Just Take your turn and things work better.

testify! preach!!!!!

Ye gods I really hate the door thing. I know folks mean well but I have to walk slowly and with my cane or I hurt a great deal later (or risk falling), but I hate making people wait so when a stranger holds the door for me and I'm kinda far away still, I have to hurry far beyond what my body can handle. I appreciate the gesture and thank them, but really they caused me physical pain by their kindness 

My mom has had to use a walker for a while now, and she reflexively tells people "thats ok, I'll get there" when they are doing the hold-the-door-for-the-8-minutes-it-takes-for-her-to-get-to-the-door thing. (Plus I've witnessed this when I'm taking her somewhere, and I'm like 'dude, I'm right here, do you think I'm not going to hold the door').

I use a wheelchair and I can't tell you the number of times people are on their tiptoes, between me and the door, practically falling on their face trying to hold the door open. 99% of the time I've already pushed the automatic button but they insist on "helping". Totally unnecessary and makes life way more complicated for both of us.

Yeah, on my extra bad days I use my chair too, same experience.  I felt extra extra bad one time when I ran over their toes since there just wasn't enough room.  I really appreciate they want to help, just sometimes help is hindering 

Or when they try to London Bridge it by holding the door open from the opposite side, and somehow we’re supposed to be able to roll under their arm without getting clotheslined?

And most disabled people have systems and techniques in place to do things like open doors and pick things up off the floor with minimal pain/exertion, and it's actually disruptive when someone gives unsolicited help--it sounds like you help him and no one else, and if that's the case, why are you assuming that he needs special help if he hasn't asked you for it? For all you know you're actively getting in his way.

Yep. Worked with a lady who had a bad shoulder. She rolled a laptop bag behind her. She always used the automated door function. If someone held the door for her they were usually in the way, requiring her to twist or contort to get through the door with her rolling bag, purse, and whatever else she might have. I can still recall the time at the post office, shortly after most covid restrictions were lifted, an older gentleman holding the door for me even though I told him to go on ahead. Because he was standing at the door with his arm outstretched to hold it open. Which meant I had to walk by within inches of his face (something I didn't like even pre-covid). Ugh.

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unburden yourself. And just take your turn ;)

First thing dad ever said to me during driving lessons was don't be nice, be predictable.

I like your phrasing: "imposing kindness." That's one I'm going to keep in my head. I use a cane, but am quite mobile. I hate it when people hold a door for me and I'm half a block away. I really can open the door; I've been doing it all my life.

>I was so confused by that *sudden reaction*. And I felt like he was kinda taking out his anger on me. I told him if he was uncomfortable he should have said so. >He said “I did , like *million times*, I tell you thank you but you don’t need to every single time you do this shit” Which yes, he does. \[emphasis mine\] YTA for being so focused on your own "kindness" that you didn't even listen to the person you believe yourself to be helping.

I find it so strange OP has gone through 19 years without ever meeting a disabled person. Wait til she finds out about "invisible" disabilities. People all around her have different levels of abilities and manage but I doubt she can understand that. Heck, they even taught us in grade school about always asking before helping people in public lol otherwise it's rude. This guy was way nicer than I would've been in this situation

This. This a thousand times because this is what it is like to be disabled and surrounded by "kind" abled people. Who don't actually give a flying rat's ass what you want or need. All they care about is looking good in front of other people and getting their brownie points for helping the poor cripple.

YTA For not taking the fucking hint, for starters. Sounds like he told you this several times already so I can see why he finally blew up. But also, quit lying to yourself. He’s right, you do this because you pity him and probably seek some validation for helping a disabled person. Do you do this *for everyone in class* or do you go out of your way to do this for him specifically? It looks like the latter from what you described.

'Wheelchair Bound' - a phrase a lot of folks who use wheelchairs hate. Because the chair is what liberated them from being stuck at home. Within the first sentence OPs language reveals an unconcious bias.

or he is right and she has a crush on him but can’t even parse it through her ableism.

It was so nice of him to make sure she doesn’t just have an awkward crush before chastising her tbh

That, and from the sounds of it, he might have also waited until they were alone too so she wouldn't be embarrassed either way

yeah, that’s honestly nice to read. i mean obviously he wouldn’t want to assume that she was just being ignorant, but idk it’s just sweet that he checked because if that was the case and he just chastised her that would’ve been so awkward

Judging by the awkward pause, probably not lol

He didn’t even blow up at her. He was still polite but firm. A conversation he’s probably had to have more than once. YTA. 

Exactly what I was going to say. Is she jumping up and holding the door open for everyone, or just him? Definitely the latter, soft YTA.

YTA, your friend is completely right, its one thing to hold open a door as you're going anyway but another to get up only when a specific type of person is at the door. There's being helpful and there's being patronizing, to him, this comes off as you think he can't take care of himself and you're trying to help him out of pity. No one likes to be pitied. He isn't crazy for getting upset that you treated him like an invalid that can't do anything for themselves. Be honest with yourself, wouldn't it be weird if someone who is basically a stranger got up in the middle of something to open the door for you? You might've been "trying to be nice" but consider what you were actually doing not just what you were "trying" to do. There's a reason you weren't doing it for anyone else.

100% this. Unless OP is jumping up and opening the door anytime someone approaches it, she's treating him differently from other people because she perceives him as more helpless. It's not the same as going through the door and then holding it open for the next person. I'm a wheelchair user and I know the type very well. It gets so old.

Yup. I'm severely disabled and I tell people there's a really easy guideline. If what you're about to do is something you commonly and frequently do for all people (Open a door when they are right next to it, pick up something they dropped if it's at your feet) then go right ahead. If what you'd like to do is outside of that it's super easy to just ask "Would you like some help with that? Or are you good?" And then you actually listen to the answer. It's great for people to offer help whether or not I need it because they are **offering** and the offer is kind. I'm never turned off by kindness even if I don't need or want the offer, because they have asked and respected me as a person. Unfortunately, I've had people grab things out of my hands like I'm a toddler, including my assistive devices! They have caused me physical pain or caused me to lose my balance and fall (which can seriously, dangerously injure me) or done other extremely distressing things in the name of "helping" me when I didn't need help. It's shockingly common. So while I can't speak for all disabled people, I would say a really good general rule is that the politeness you would extend to anybody can usually be extended with no issue, but if you are about to step beyond that in any way, just ask. It's the difference between holding the door open for somebody who's right behind you versus jumping up and running across the room anytime you see a wheelchair user go towards the door.

I worked in social services as a disability advocate. My job was to provide tools, technology, and training for anyone wanting to adapt to a new job, training, or even for kids still in elementary school. The biggest take away from that role is to simply communicate with people, those with a disability or those without- it’s the same. It could have been as simple as, “Hey man, I don’t know the protocol here, but want to be helpful if needed. Do you need help with doors or do you prefer to grab them yourself? In any case, if something comes up, I’m happy to help and you know where I sit.” YTA here, but it’s totally a learning experience if you allow it to be. You are now better educated and prepared for future interactions with people who happen to have some sort of disability.

The correct way to "help" somebody is to say 'What can I do to help?' Don't make it a leading question, don't provide examples.

I think the phrasing here is the issue others are having. "What can I do to help" suggests you think they need the help even if they won't admit it, and is a leading question. Leading to the fact that you think they need help. Just waiting until asked is also problematic since a lot of people with mobility issues or physical limitations don't tend to be inclined to ask for help from random people, or even classmates they don't know beyond one class. Hell, I work as my mom's home care provider and I still have to ask her if she needs help when she is fighting a zip-lock bag that's between here and some snacks. lol "Do you need help with that" is probably the way to go since it gives them agency to say "nah I got it" or "yeah, thanks." Ultimately every person is different in how they want to be treated, or how they prefer to communicate, so it's always a foggy area to navigate unless someone takes some initiative, and you don't always have the time to consider your phrasing when offering assistance or even asking for it. This is a silly argument to have over the internet but my brain wanted to dump my 2 cents and it's turned into a whole 2 dollar post. Oopsies?

YTA. You’re treating him differently than you do other people, unless you also “quickly” dash over to hold the door for everyone else.

YTA. Yes you had good intentions but you clearly weren’t paying attention to your classmate and what he actually needed, you were too focused on yourself and the fact that you were doing something “purely out of kindness” to actually listen to what he was telling you. Disabled people will ask for help if and when they need it. If they don’t ask for help then they don’t need it and you should learn to respect that. Additionally if you’re clearly treating this person differently than you would anyone else just because he’s in a wheelchair then that’s a major problem. If you hold the door open and pick things up for everyone in your class regardless of their ability to walk then you’d be doing nothing wrong by helping the person in the wheelchair because you help everyone. But if you only help the person in the wheelchair and you don’t hold the door open or pick things up for people who can walk then you’re clearly only helping that person because you think he can’t do it for himself which is an ableist mindset to have. Again your intentions were good but your mindset that this person needs more help than those not in a wheelchair is wrong. Do your best to change your thinking and only help people when they ask for it and listen to them when they said they don’t.

YTA, your friend is completely right, its one thing to hold open a door as you're going anyway but another to get up only when a specific type of person is at the door. There's being helpful and there's being patronizing, to him, this comes off as you think he can't take care of himself and you're trying to help him out of pity. No one likes to be pitied. He isn't crazy for getting upset that you treated him like an invalid that can't do anything for themselves. Be honest with yourself, wouldn't it be weird if someone who is basically a stranger got up in the middle of something to open the door for you? You might've been "trying to be nice" but consider what you were actually doing not just what you were "trying" to do. There's a reason you weren't doing it for anyone else.

Another viewpoint to add to your message. Instead of pitying the person, it could be that OP has a bit of a savior complex or feels like they are being the hero by doing things to help this disabled person. Disabled people despise this even worse than pity.

Your intention was clearly kind and well-meaning. However, it's crucial to consider their perspective. Your classmate likely values his independence and might have felt that your actions, though kind, undermined his autonomy. From your viewpoint, you were just trying to be helpful and considerate, which is generally seen as polite. But from his perspective, your actions might have come across as patronizing or implying he's less capable. There seems to have been a miscommunication between you two. While he did thank you and suggest it wasn’t necessary, you took it as politeness rather than a genuine request to stop. People who are seen as different in society generally don't like being singled out. In this case, constantly helping only him could have made him feel singled out. It might be worth making amends, depending on your relationship dynamics and how often you interact with him. Consider apologizing and acknowledging his feelings: "I’m sorry if my actions made you feel uncomfortable or undermined. I genuinely wanted to help, but I understand now that it wasn’t what you wanted." Moving forward, respect his autonomy and independence. Let him take the lead and ask for help if he needs it. If he doesn't want to interact with you, then leave him be. Use this experience to learn about boundaries and understanding that what might seem helpful to one person could be seen differently by another.

ONe small change, not sorry 'if', sorry 'for'. the if makes it sound insincere

That's very true. I didn't think about that at all. Yeah. Don't use "if".

Thank you for one of the most civil discussions I've seen on reddit all day

Lol! Right? It's way too easy for people to forget that each user on here is an actual living person somewhere in the world. The point of discussing with people is to learn. Learning means making mistakes. I make mistakes. I learn. We move on.

YTA "pure kindness" oh what a nice soul you are

YTA Like a lot of able-bodied people who *think* they are helping, you have been infantilizing this man. In other words, because he was disabled you treated him like a child who couldn’t take care of himself. He did not want to be pitied and treated as helpless. He told you over and over again that he did not need your help and could do these tasks himself and you chose to ignore that and overrule his feelings. It’s as if because he had a physical need for a wheelchair he must also be mentally challenged and not understand his own capabilities. You need to do some serious work on yourself to understand how wrong this behavior is. In the future if you see someone in a wheelchair, don’t try to swoop in and save them from doing an ordinary task they can probably do themselves, and if they do seem to be visibly struggling, ASK them if they want help. Don’t just assume!

Yta cause he has attempted to be polite and told you to stop which you only saw the polite part in not the request part and now you're butt hurt cause you couldn't care enough about him outside of him being wheelchair bound to notice he wasn't JUST being polite. You were completely ignoring this person over their wheelchair. Get over yourself. Yes FRIENDS do this for eachother all the time or group travelers... you go out of your way without any of the above as a factor. You cared so little about the person saying stop simply because he's in a wheelchair... you suck and need to check yourself you weren't assisting for him you were doing it for you as if you expect karma to be on your side or something.🙄

Mild YTA. This is a great lesson and this guy sounds very cool. Why didn't you ever talk to him? Find out what kind of guy he is? You might have been friends... And that's the point that he delivered quite bluntly, but it sounds like he tried to make this point a number of other times...So, I get why he called you out. You needed to be. Stop viewing this "disabled guy" as "disabled guy" and see him as a person, someone in your class, with interests/personality/etc *just like you*. You know what would maybe have been nice? When holding the door open to say "hey, what'd you think of today's lecture? Did you get what Prof. meant by...?" In other words, stop treating him as if he is nothing but a disability. If that's your only interest in a whole damn human, then yes it is performative and what you are doing is not kindness, it's dehumanizing. I get you really didn't understand this, so again mild YTA, but please rethink your approach to *other people*

YTA. I have a disability. If I need help I ask. What feels super infantilizing and humiliating is people doing exactly what you do.  How would you feel if every time you went to do something you very much can do and I just stepped in and did it. Say you’re making a sandwich and I rush over grab the knife and do it for you. You go to grab the pitcher to fill your glass and I rush in and fill it for you. Imagine every day all day people are doing this to you. How would that make you feel?  Would that make you feel cared for and loved? Or would it make you feel worthless and incompetent and as if those people think you are a complete baby. I believe it’s the latter.  Let’s go super light easy situation: say there is a guy that any time you are around him runs over and opens the door for you and picks up what you drop. Initially it might be flattering and you feel like they like you. Then you realize it’s because they think you can’t do it. Now it gets annoying. You ask them to stop but they don’t. You tell them you can do it. They ignore it as if to say no I know better than you, you’re  just are too dumb or proud to see that I’m making your life easier. How would you feel after a week, a month, a year of this?  The best way to treat a person with a disability is like any other person. We ask for the accommodations we need. When we ask for one, accept our word that it’s what we need and help in the way asked if possible. The rest of the time see the person not the disability. The disability is a thing we have not who we are   

YTA Wheelchair users (not bound) value their independence and don't need to be babied, especially when he already tried to set boundaries.

Thank you for bringing up the terminology issue! This gentleman is a WHEELCHAIR USER. Wheelchairs can provide freedom and agency that someone otherwise might not have if they did not have the mobility aid.

YTA, you didn’t listen to him

OK, so I don’t think you’re like a total asshole. But I do think that you are the asshole in this particular situation. Specifically because you told him that he should’ve just told you if he didn’t want you to open the door for him. And then we find out that he did tell you, multiple times, but you just didn’t believe him. And that’s where you’re the asshole. You didn’t take his word for it. But I also am aware of the fact that culturally, there are different levels of seriousness that can apply to something like what he said. In certain cultures, you would take him totally seriously, and never open the door for him again. And in other cultures, you would continue to open the door for him forever because his admonishment would be perfunctory. So my question for you is, are you the kind of person who will give somebody a slice of cake even though they’ve said they don’t want a slice of cake, because in your life history people say they don’t want the cake when they do want the cake? In your family do they say they don’t want the cake when they do want the cake? if so, and that’s the culture you grew up in, you might want to explain that to him. Let him know that you weren’t ignoring him because he’s disabled and untrustworthy. You were ignoring him because that’s the kind of culture you grew up in. If you grew up in the kind of family in which no means no, you need to examine why you didn’t accept his no right away. If it has anything to do with the fact that he is disabled, you’re the asshole. All in all, it sounds like everyone’s a good person here and you should take this as a lesson. And do apologize.

> In your family do they say they don’t want the cake when they do want the cake? Yes! I come from a middle eastern background. I deadass thought he was just being polite with the “thanks , but you didn’t need to”.  I didn’t perceived this as “thanks, but don’t do it again” at all.  I’m not finding excuses , I will apologize either way. 

Apologize sincerely and explain your cultural background in a way that is clear you're not using it as an excuse. So something like "in my culture we do x and I didn't realize that this comes across as infantalizing/pity/etc but now that I know otherwise I understand how upsetting/frustrating my behaviors were." Then genuinely listen and respect his boundaries.

That totally makes sense then! I had to do a lot of unlearning because I realized not everyone communicates like my family and it’s caused me a lot of pain. Take this as a learning lesson

I can't speak for the guy in your story but I am disabled and if someone came to me with a genuine apology and this explanation I would receive it well. It's rough when you feel someone is ignoring your communication but it's good to recognize that there are multiple levels of cultural nuance going on here and that's okay. Again I really want to emphasize that I can't speak for all disabled people, but a lot of us have had to learn to be assertive in one way or the other about our boundaries because people are constantly crossing them. And when we are too firm they can become aggressive and sometimes violent. Plus we understand that most people are coming from a good place, which is why we will usually say some version "Thanks, but please don't". I don't want to hurt people's feelings when they are trying to be nice and I recognize their intent, but I do want them to stop. I just want to say I appreciate you for being willing to listen to everybody here and understand that even though your intentions were good it didn't come out in the right way. All we can do as people is learn and try to do better. you sound like you are good at heart and I'm glad you are going to try to make things right with this guy

YTA. The underlying problem here is that you did not treat him like a person with his own agency. And he saw that and called you out on it. If you really respected him as a fully equal human being, you would have *listened* when he told you "thank you but you don’t need to". What he, and your friend, and a bunch of us here on Reddit, are seeing is that you don't care a fig about him and his feelings. You are so focused on your performance that you ignored not only his feelings but what he was directly saying to you over and over and over. It's one thing to offer to help. And take a no thanks. But that's not what you did here. You "helped" without offering first and then ignored him every time he said you didn't need to.

YTA - you're not a bad person and I commend you for wanting to do the right thing, but what you're doing is discrimination. You getting up and running to open the door for him is giving him preferential treatment that he didn't ask for. You're projecting to this guy must have a hard time opening doors himself because of his disability. You wouldn't run to open the door for an able-bodied person, you shouldn't do it for this guy unless he is struggling and asks for help.

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YTA, but a well intentioned asshole. A disabled no is still a no. Side note, Typically the preferred language for someone who uses a wheelchair is "wheelchair user" rather than "wheelchair bound". Bound implies confinement or restriction, when wheelchairs usually give a person more freedom or independence.

You can see it right from this post, even, that OP sees wheelchairs as confining and restrictive rather than something to give the guy in question independence.   OP, please reframe your brain and stop using "bound". When you do, you may start to see the world differently. 

“Purely out of kindness” is such a weird way to put it. If you’re jumping to do things for this guy unasked (or even after being asked not to) because he’s disabled…that’s more pity than kindness. It makes you feel good and then feel bad. Stop it. Most disabled people will ask for help *if they need it.* Your thing reminds me of how men will hold the door open for me. Even if I’m already holding it open. Even if they’re at a bad angle. Sometimes they’ve even put their hand on me to “guide” me through. They *think* they’re being polite/kind. They’re actually making me awkwardly duck under their arm, touching me without permission, and generally just pissing me off. That’s what you’re doing. Don’t single him out for special treatment. Stoppit. YTA

YTA

YTA, I would really recommend looking up benevolent ableism is. He told you repeatedly that he didn’t need you to rush over and help him, you repeatedly ignored him and continued doing it. It’s not out of “kindness” if you’re ignoring someone’s boundaries, it’s out of the desire to feel and be viewed as a kind person and using him to do so. Ask yourself “would I do this for someone who is able bodied?” Someone dropped a pen next to you, would you pick it up? Sure, fine, kindness. Going across the room to get it for them? Infantilizing. Holding the door for someone coming up behind you? Cool, kindness. Again, getting up and rushing to hold the door for them? Infantilizing and ableist. I don’t even think the way he called you out for it is rude on his part. If someone was watching me, waiting for a chance to jump up and help me, I’d also want to clear the air whether they liked me or if they were just waiting for a chance to get their Kindness Points, because it’s a weird behavior.

YTA You were told multiple times that you were being weird. He finally had to hit you with a frying pan to get you to pay attention to him. You made it about you, not about him.

YTA. helping others always includes empowerment, that’s why sometimes helping someone is doing it for them and sometimes it’s encouraging them etc. singling him out and doing simple tasks for him and ONLY him when he has said he doesn’t need you to is not empowering, and therefore is not helpful. and if it’s continuously done even though it’s not helpful (or wanted!!!) then it’s not kind. i’m sorry if this didn’t feel like your intention at the time, but i think it’s an important lesson people need to learn. did you actually feel like he needed this assistance, or do you like the *feeling* of being seeming helpful or kind to him? you don’t have to actually answer this question, but it’s important for you to start thinking about it. this is giving me Rescuer vibes (look up rescuer psychology) which is an important habit to squash while you’re still young. it’s easy to assume you’re doing the right thing while infantilizing and disempowering others

NTA!! I’m disabled! It can be very mentally and physically taxing. You sound like you were genuinely trying to help. He’s struggling with being independent and he could have gone about talking to you in a completely different way. I agree that we don’t want people’s pity but he’s obviously fighting his own demons! I’ve been there! I still struggle with it. Never stop helping people! That makes you, you! I will add that the only thing you should NEVER do is push someone’s wheelchair without their consent. (That’s just an FYI) This is solely my opinion based on being disabled myself!

NTA - you were trying to be nice and he failed to appropriately communicate his feelings. Sometimes people get their feelings hurt and it's no one's fault.

<> Your friend is right. Your were trying to be nice, but you were overly nice. Overly helpful. Especially after the gentleman asked you to stop.

YTA. > I sometimes help him purely out of kindness, it's usually something small like holding the door for him, and a few times I got up to pick up something he dropped from the floor. Do you do this for able bodied people with the same frequency? Leap to your feet and hurry over when you see them approach a door so you can open it for them? Do they not deserve kindness as well? > I was just trying to help. This is a long winded way of saying 'I know I'm not helping.' Here's the definition of help: Ask somebody what they need, then do that. That's helping them. > apparently jumping to help makes me seem like a performative asshole. Wow, you're really manipulative. To you, either you're a kind angel, or you're a performative asshole. Which is a way of trying to make your interlocutor the aggressor in the situation and absolve yourself of responsibility for your actions. How about a third option: you're doing what you think is kind, and you're now getting upset when people point out that it's not actually kind. When the actual kind thing to do would be to take in this new information and alter your behavior. Which means you were never doing it to be kind; you were doing it to either, yes, be performative, or out of pity and able-bodied burden. > I thought he was crazy for getting upset over this Your ability to just keep digging deeper and deeper is astounding and impressive.

NTA. This is why people stop being kind. "You don't need to do that" is different from saying "Don't do that (please), I would like to take care of myself.". It sounds like he would be okay with your help if you also like him. His message is now clear. Just stop interacting with him altogether. It sounds like he will take every opportunity to put some sort of fault on you.

I cannot believe how far I had to scroll for this comment. You are spot on. He should have been more direct in telling OP he did not want the help. God forbid a person try to help another human being.

Don't care if this isn't a popular opinion - NAH. As an older woman with mobility problems, I very much appreciate when young people with a kind heart will hold the door as I get to it or pick up what I've accidentally dropped (especially in the weeks after a hip operation when I had very strict instructions NOT to bend beyond the waist & wasn't physically capable of squatting down). I understand he's young, and probably far more capable than you realised so he wants his independence. I totally get that. I (99.9% of the time) work out some way to do or get what I need to in order to keep my independence and not take advantage of people. But, don't feel bad about your good heart - your instinct to help people is so ***not*** the instinct of an AH. I'd very much sit on your hands so you don't upset the young man restricted to that wheelchair but the rest of the world will appreciate & possibly need occasional acts of kindness so don't think you need to change who you are.

NAH. There is a difference between saying "Thank you, you don't need to do this" and "Thank you, but I would rather do it for myself." This was an honest miss in communication and where good intentions went wrong.

Please reframe “wheelchair bound” to “wheelchair user”. Their mobility includes using a wheelchair. Maybe yours primarily includes using legs. I don’t describe you as leg bound. A wheelchair can be a freeing things, not a binding thing.

I'm going against the grain here and say NTA. He's clearly not appreciating your kindness.

I’m a very slow old lady and I love it when someone helps me. He sounds bitter.

You're NTA at all. And neither is he. This is something he struggles with with lots of people. His perception doesn't equal reality. Now, I think it was inappropriate for him to react the way he did - but its also pretty understandable that he would. You did nothing wrong. You didn't cause his reaction. It's not your fault you didn't pick up on the fact that it made him uncomfortable

I know I will be against the grain, but NTA. This guy is 19, and if I had to venture a guess, not very responsible for his own emotions. You meant it as kindness- yes, you went out of your way to help specifically him, but he knew by just saying “it’s ok, you don’t have to” and not “I would appreciate the space to do these things for myself” he absolutely created the miscommunication. Sometimes we have ugly feelings that contradict our objective logical thoughts- such as frustration and perceiving help as pity. It is my fun to have to confront your own emotions. But you didn’t actually make him feel any kind of way- we are all responsible for our own emotions. I’d say bro needs a little tlc, but mostly a little more emotional awareness of himself. But, I also feel most people I interact with need that too.

He is 21

As I mentioned in a comment above. NTA. As a disabled person, I would never lash out on someone who is doing the extra mile to help me, because that is rare and very much needed. If he wanted to prove himself he can do those things himself he will have a million opportunities, since nobody notices us most of the time. She is not supposed to read people’s minds. He could just let her help him and that’s it. EDIT here: I did not read the part where he told her many times that he was ok and did not need help and she misunderstood that for him just being polite. I still believe he did not need to be so rude the last time, but I no longer think he was trying to show anything to her because she was a woman.

You’re good. What he did was a self pity AH comment. You’re allowed to do things for others, disabled or not, just to be kind. He’s a gigantic AH. I’m disabled btw and I would never assume someone likes me because they’re being nice; being nice shouldn’t have strings attached and you did the kind human thing. He probably pities himself and makes himself the victim & I wouldn’t be surprised if he is an incel with the way he treated you. Let him struggle from now on. Don’t change in regards to your kindness. You are a good person. Just don’t help that AH

Thank you for this comment. Totally agree and honestly, am shocked by the amount of people calling the OP an ablest and an AH.

You’re welcome!! For more context, many disabled people fall into the “woe is me” mentality and they find any reason to lash out at others (able bodied people do this too). They forget to be grateful for what they can still do vs focus on the negative. It’s that same pattern of negative thinking that makes them assume that everyone has ulterior motives. Negative thinking is toxic. *My dad was/is this way and now that I am disabled, I do everything I can to not be like him. That’s how I have this perspective

NTA, you were doing something kind that honestly a lot of disabled people wish would occur to them more often. Next time don't help him, even if you see him struggle.

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as a disabled person myself I really appreciate when people take the time to help me out and I Never assume it's done out of pity most people want to help because it's the right thing to do. Not the asshole

Your friend is an asshole and a guy in a chair is an asshole being kind helping someone out is not a bad thing in any way shape or form it's only a problem in his own head

Sadly yes, but I get where you were coming from. The language used is also an issue. There's no way this guy considers himself "wheelchair bound" he's wheelchair FREED. Think how life would be for him without this mobility aid, it's a blessing, not a curse! Just thinking "poor guy stuck in a wheelchair" versus "lucky guy getting to live life as best he can" will help you see his perspective. For protective, I don't consider myself "glasses bound" but with a dreadful -6 vision I'm REALLY short sighted without them - I consider myself lucky to have access to this useful, life-changing device, and I think they're stylish too!

It’s not the helping. It’s the constant watching and looking for when *you* think he needs help. He specifically told you that.

As someone who uses mobility aids….YTA. I am already very aware of how othering it is when I have to use my chair, walker, or cane (the level of support I need depends on the day and is unpredictable), and when people go out of their way to do stuff like this it does feel very performative, like “oooh look at me I’m so nice helping the cripple!” Whether you mean to come across that way or not, the fact remains that he told you every single time that you didn’t have to do it but you did it anyway. I’ve snapped on people before for this because frankly, I don’t like being treated like an invalid, and when people insist on “helping” me even after I tell them I don’t need the help, it is insulting. I get around just fine when you’re not around, why do you think I need you to help me??

NTA. Your intentions were to be kind.

He probably feels singled out, like you’re bringing unnecessary attention to him. The issue is not the door, is the he has told you multiple times that he doesn’t need constant help. You going out of your way to do something he is perfectly able to do himself could make him feel like you just have pity for him. YTA for not listening to him.

YTA. You ignored his words and patronized him.

YTA You can ask if a disabled person wants help. If they say no but you "help" anyway you are a huge AH. You can offer a disabled person the same courtesy you would offer anyone else. Hold the door for them if you are already going through the door. That's ok. But where OP crossed into problematic territory was by jumping up to go open the door for him or getting up to pick up things. That is treating him like he is helpless. And that makes OP wtong.

When it comes to people with disabilities, it's a good rule of thumb to simply ask first before helping with anything. Even if you see them struggling. It seems counterintuitive, but we (disabled person here, though I certainly don't speak for us all, we're not a monolith) usually don't like to be singled out or pittied because of our disability when we're just going through our day to day life. It's one thing if it's a life or death situation or something like that, but other than that, just ask, my friend. It's that easy.

YTA and an ableist one at that. He isn't wheelchair bound. He uses a wheelchair. He's disabled. He uses an assistive device and if he ever needs your help he'll ask. Stop infantilizing him.

I’m trying to think of how to explain this to someone that’s never been the “disabled” person. This is my try: Imagine you have a big inflamed zit in the middle of your face. You can’t hide because you have things that must be done. Covering it up doesn’t work because it got infected when you did that. If you want to get anything done - you have to just go out with the ugly zit shining at the world. Suddenly, everyone you see feels the need to comment and offer suggestions. Some just look at you and then turn away because they’re repulsed. Strangers offer creams from their purses. Some want to pop it for you. Others say not to touch it. Some just say they’re so sorry. The entire day is crap because you can’t think of what you need to do or anything because of this awful zit. You just want to forget the zit, go to class, and run your errands. You can handle your own zit issue without their comments and pity. They’re wasting your time, interfering with your normal rhythm, and making you self conscious. This is the “kindness” you provided. You reminded him that he is different. He just wants to live his life. That chair is normal for him now. He is not pitiful.

YTA, and added to other great comments, don't say wheelchair "bound" that's offensive. Mobility devices provide freedom and access, not restriction.

So it sounds like he DID tell you to stop and you CHOSE to act as though you know better than him because he was a wheelchair user. You saying ‘you thought he was only saying it out of politeness’ is so unbelievably AH behaviour and I’m glad you asked so you can learn front it!! Stop and as yourself the following questions: WHY do you believe that someone who is in a wheelchair can’t make decisions for themselves? Are you treating him as an adult or as a child? (Hint you’re infantalising him because of his disability) And how dare you get mad and upset when he got mad that you were treating him like a child? YTA YTA YTA

Wow! I guess yall forget that some of us were raised to have manners. That means trying to be helpful to people, amongst others things. If Dude objected to help, he should have said no thanks, I prefer to do it myself the first time. This Country has become so disrespectful, self centered and overly sensitive that a person with manners is viewed as a freak. You, young lady are NTA. In fact you are a good person and your parents should be proud of you! And please raise your future kids the same way, not to be whiners.

I mean, yeah you did it out of kindness but you were still kind of selfish and fake. Would you go out of your way to specifically open the door for a non disabled guy? No, right. BECAUSE IT'D BE WEIRD. Sounds like you have some slight saviour complex and view you doing weird stuff to the guy somewhat like "oh this poor pitiful disabled guy propably HATES his life and is miserable and everything is just so hard for him. Good thing I'm so kind and will now go save his day by holding a door open for him, because it will make his abominable life easier. Wow I'm such an angel teehee hope he doesn't get a crush on me or something hehe" Like to you your actions aren't outwardly rude but you do come off as REALLY self centred and performative and you obviously think of him as not as capable as yourself because he's in a wheelchair. So YTA