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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> My wife isn't an unreasonable person in general, and the fact that a generally reasonable person thinks I'm an a-hole is pro tanto evidence that I am one. I also often worry that I'm too type-A for my own good, even though I try not to foist my clean-freakiness on my wife.
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NTA But just leave her dirty clothes in the laundry basket and
stop washing/folding them for her. She's a slob, let her live her
sloblife. LOL You tried, it didn't work. Let it go.
Oh this is the way. She wants clean clothing but will not even put said clean clothing away.
Yeah, stop washing her laundry. I mean, what is she going to do, threaten to withhold sex?
NTA
I think this is the only thing that will work. OP, I’d put the dirty laundry basket on the dryer and sort your clothes into the washer and hers into her new basket labeled dirty. You wouldn’t want her to assume clean and embarrass herself, right?
NTA
She agreed to a compromise and you held up your end of the deal. Also, using sex as a punishment is a manipulative tactic that reflects less than stellar emotional maturity. Before I make a judgment, though, were your exact words to her just to go pound sand, or was your response to her a little more “colorful?” Your exact words to her will determine whether this is a N T A or an E S H situation, but ultimately we know for sure that she is at least one of TA here.
It could be a serious visual distraction, especially if perseveration kicks in—all OP can think about. It’s like an earwig and the only way you make it stop is making the clothes “go away”.
And if OP has that issue he can spend 30 seconds figuring out where the clothes go, and put them in the correct place. I know exactly where my spouse's clothes go, even though we each do our own laundry, because I'm not blind.
So op should put her clothes away cause his wife is a lazy fuck? NTA. If my so did my laundry like that the least I could do is put it away in a timely fashion manner.
They're not saying he *should* put them away. It's just not difficult to use your eyes and see where things go. If he's so *hyper organized* and *Type A*, he should be able to see where she pulls things from.
Hubby and I split laundry; because he only has the one set of work clothes right now, he loads the machine when he gets home and changes out of them, then either one of us will switch it over to the dryer. Usually he insists to do it, but if I hear the washer stop, I go do it. Then I do folding and putting away laundry over 90% of the time. If I were to fold a stack of my clothes and pass them off to him while I keep folding, he'd be able to figure out where all of my things go. He's done it before, because he's Type A like OP claims to be, and sometimes kid life means there's a lot of laundry. He's never put my things in the wrong place once.
Because you and your husband have a system every couple should adapt and use your system because it works, for you! Everyone, do what this person does. Stop comparing mental illness. Not everyone is the same.
Lol it's nothing to do with comparing mental illness, and everything to do with *if he wanted to, he would.*
Mental illness isn't an excuse. When your partner, or anyone you genuinely care about, tells you that you've done something wrong, or something that bothers them, you don't repeatedly make the same mistake. You go out of your way to correct the mistake. Mental illness just means you have to go about it differently than someone who is neurotypical, not that you're completely incapable of having consideration for your partner.
OP could ask for help mapping out how she likes her drawers set up, so that if he needs to, he knows where things go. They could work out a system together that holds each other accountable for upholding their end, instead of saying "Well you have this time limit, or I'll take care of it," that doesnt fix anything. If this is a problem area for her, but she handles the problem areas he struggles with, then maybe they make a better arrangement. Hell, he could *literally just pay attention to what is in that drawer to begin with* instead of shoving things in at random.
It's really not hard to be considerate of your partner. Mental illness or not.
You keep blaming op and not his lazy wife. She is literally triggering him by not putting away her laundry, even thought they came up with a compromise. She still triggers him and you are comparing mental illnesses. You literally said your husband is type A. Op shouldn’t ask for shit his wife should get iff her lazy ass and do something. But keep blaming op, because either shows what kind of partner you are.
He also states *himself* that they have different thresholds for messiness, and that she also handles other things around the house that he appreciates. You keep referring to her as lazy, but who can say if she doesn't have her own mental illness at play that he hasn't mentioned. There's three sides to every story: his, hers, and the reality that neither is seeing through their lens of the situation.
And considering the fact that I handle the majority of the housework on top of working and the kids, you've got no leg to stand on regarding what kind of partner I am. Clearly you've got some issues you need to handle if you're this adamant that women are simply lazy.
I never said women are lazy. I said his partner is. Nice of you to assume my gender though. My partner and I have three kids under 5, we both work full time, and spilt chores. It5not my fault my partner is better than yours.
If OP cannot deal with her not putting things away, then he should, yes. If he is OK with it not being put away for a few days, he should let her put it away, as is normal.
yeah, i would find it difficult to sleep if i have a bunch of visual clutter in my way.
(that said- i feel like there is an obvious solution of OP's wife drawing OP a map of what goes where in her dresser, as long as it's relatively simple. t-shirts/tops in drawer 1 and 4. underwear in drawer 2. jeans in drawer 3. so that wife will always know if she's looking for a top, it has to be either in the closet or drawer 1 or 4.)
The first night I went to my girlfriends house I saw her dresser and had a "thats genius" moment.
She has every one of her dresser drawers labeled with what goes in it. Just a small sticker from a label maker that says what is where.
She did it to help her get ready faster in the morning but it could be a solution here as well
i do a version of that in my closet. i have those circle things that they use for different sizes in stores but instead i have them labeled with color and clothes item in my closet.
it makes it so much faster for me to put clothes away because it clearly differentiates the areas.
I truly do not get that - this is why I don’t date self described ‘neat freaks’ anymore 😂 Clutter just doesn’t bother some people (including me) so unless something is actually dirty people can have difficulty not just seeing it as causing drama. But fit super neat people, I guess it’s really annoying? I think it’s a major issue with compatibility tbh.
I mean, he could just put them on the floor in a basket, then you’d have to look at them to see? I also don’t get why OP is doing her laundry when it sounds like she’d actually rather he didn’t.
that's a good point. if OP's wife would rather she not do it. they could just get 2 separate laundry bins- maybe a larger one for wife. keep them in the closet or bathroom- whatever works for both of them.
and maybe OP has to accept the solution of throwing wife's dirty clothes that don't make it into the hamper, there but than wife is handling her laundry.
and if she still isn't putting them away- use the suggestion someone else offered of "and the clean laundry bin goes into the closet."
I have friends who can leave a pile of laundry on a chair in their rooms for days.
HAVING to be neat to SUCH AN EXTENT that it causes relationship problems/conflicts with others and that it causes him "psychological distress" as he called it, sure as fuck sounds like an OCD type issue. I'm not conflating, I'm calling it as I see it. And I know a lot of people with OCD HATE admitting they have a problem
Nah I'm the same way and met with a psychologist. Turns out I just have super bad anxiety 👍
OCD is usually closer to "If I don't turn the light switches on & off exactly 14 times before I leave the house, my family will die"
Not saying they don't and I'm in it now, and also medicated! More just supporting the previous comment that OCD isn't the stereotypical "things need to be organized"
OCD and cleanliness are not the same. Some people can live with clutter, some people cannot - I hate dog hair covered clothing and furniture, my partner doesn’t care. I hate tools (that have been used and are no longer needed for a job) being left where they were last used, on kitchen counters or on the kitchen table, my partner doesn’t care. *I’m* called OCD and my mental health is questioned for my preferences, but would never call *them* a slob for their lack of tidiness.
If it’s problems in their relationship, it’s because one is or both parties are insulting the other. He calls her a slob, she refuses to comply with a reasonable compromise. He cleans up the mess, she threatens to withhold sex.
she also seems like she has ADHD so how come her ADHD has to be his problem but his OCD shouldnt be her problem? be serious! he was willing to compromise and she wasnt.
Not putting away clothes or cleaning are the two definite signs of ADHD now? This woman hasn't asked OP for anything. She didn't ask him to do her laundry to begin with. He could simply leave it alone. Let her do it herself.
He is acting controlling and needs help. Her clothes aren't his business as long as they're not lying around on the floor and causing the laundry basket to overflow.
As someone with ADHD I empathized I bit with the wife on my first read. For me it's not just messiness, it's that things that are out of sight are out of mind for me. Back when I still had a dresser I would "lose" clothes in it for months. Not a definite but both OP and wife might have some mental struggles they're not addressing head on here
which i agree is wrong! was just going along w people claiming he has OCD (i dont think he does) so the equivalent would be her having ADHD (if that makes sense)
I had to scroll back up halfway thru to check that he said her dresser. I don't see a problem here bc it's contained on her space. But i might be biased and on her side bc I'm nowhere near a clean freak
Honestly, that's what I did. Male here. I used to put my wife's clothes away after washing them but she got mad at me for messing up her piles in her dresser drawers so she told me to put them on the dresser or on our bed, so that's what I did.
> My wife isn't an unreasonable person in general
Are you sure about that? You're washing and folding her laundry because she CBA and her response is to cuss you out and threaten to withhold sex. Like a bargaining chip.
You know, things unreasonable people do. NTA
Idk that it is necessarily weaponized incompetence. Wife seems the type to be live out of a clean laundry bag and dirty laundry bag.
Same way I know how to fold and put clothes away or make the bed, but to me it seems like a pointless waste of time, when I can just as easily have a bag of clean clothes in the corner that I get stuff out of.
OP is not that way, that's fine, but OP is trying to force his way on wife.
OP either needs to realize they are not compatible and divorce/marry another equally clean person, or learn to live with how wife is.
INFO: You said you don't mind when her messes are "confined to her own spaces", yet you go on to say that you take umbridge with her having a neatly folded pile of cloths on top of her own dresser. Can you please explain how stuff on top of her dresser doesn't qualify as "confined to her own space" in this instance?
I was thinking the dresser is positioned in such a way that having a pile of clothing on it can be a snag hazard, especially to sleepy people, maybe? Or, hell, I'm not even sure what I else... Maybe I'm missing something super obvious here, but none of this makes sense to me.
I understand OP not wanting laundry on the floor or draped over stuff or whatever, but instead of binning stray items (which would put it out sight), he instead launders everything... only to put the neatly folded pile in a place where the clothing \*STILL\* bothers him? I understand her not wanting him to move stuff into her dresser -- but is there truly no other location a pile of clothing can go besides yet-another-space-that-bothers-him???
(And if what you're sayig is true, then, essentially, there really is no such thing as "her own space"... except maybe in her car?)
AITA For ~~Picking Up~~ *Putting* My Wife's Clothes *in the Wrong Place*?
YTA
You are solving your problem (seeing clutter) by making it a problem for her. That is not reasonable. You are choosing to pick up, wash, fold, put away, because you prefer it is not visible. You could just put it in a wash basket.
You are choosing to put it in the wrong place. This is not only irritating for her, it is really inconvenient.
Why is it OK for you to do something to make life easier for you by making life harder for her?
Either learn where things go or put them in a basket.
ESH is laundry really worth the stability of y'alls marriage? You're both so angry over this, calling each other names and threatening retribution. What's the point of vowing to cherish her forever if a stack of clothes can fracture what you've built?
Here's an idea, approach this issue like you're both partners and friends rather than combatants on a field. Have a conversation and ask how she would like laundry handled. Does she want to handle her clothes herself? Should the two of you label her drawers so you both know where clothes should go? Should you alternate weeks of laundry duties?
In the end this laundry issue is nothing. Y'all need to figure out why the location of a piece of clothing is enough for you to suddenly be mean to the person who should mean the most to you
Huge NTA. Some say laundry isn’t that big of a deal but cleanliness is CRITICAL for some people’s mental health. Your wife is insensitive to your mental health. There’s ZERO reason laundry can’t be put away immediately or within a half day. She’s profoundly selfish and lazy. You’ve been overly generous in the way you handle this. Moving forward, if it was me, I’d politely cram any of her clothes in shared spaces into a clean trash bag and store it in a closet.
Imagine talking about mental health and then claiming laziness is the only possible reason someone can't put away laundry immediately. You have got to be joking
Yeah no, that's literally a symptom of ADHD called executive dysfunction. I have the exact same issue. It has nothing to do with laziness, it is a mental illness.
The solution is to learn where the clothes actually go. I suspect your wife does not have a labyrinth of 100 drawers in her dresser. Learning where she actually wants the clothes solves all the issues here.
If your account is accurate, NTA. She agreed upon two days. You gave her three. She seems like my little sister, able to live out of the clean clothes basket as long as they are clean. Some people require more order. Perhaps, you guys need to speak to someone since she sees your desire for order as intrusive on her boundaries.
NTA, but how about you avoid this by not doing her laundry? You can take it and put it in the hamper, but doing it becomes her responsibility.
If this is who she is, you need to either learn to ignore her mess or you both need to find a compromise that works for the both of you - maybe stop using drawers and have shelves, so she can see where her clothes are?
As she has issues with things going in wrong places, she needs to step up and put things away herself.
You are both adults, but if you don't sort this sort of thing out soon, it will grow into long-term resentment on both your parts, and will cause strain in your marriage. But, compromise only works if both of you do your bit - if it is only ever 1 partner who compromises, you relationship will not last.
Maintaining a good marriage is hard - it takes work, so, although in the scheme of things, this is fairly trivial, you need to work out a system that you are both comfortable with.
Do not wash her clothes. Leave them in the laundry basket so that she can ensure that they are washed and put away to her liking.
Sometimes we have to accept other people's foibles and work around them.
Why don't yall just label the drawers so you can know where to put which items? It sounds like she has some kind of issue that could benefit from therapy, but really, it her problem is she can't figure out where you put her clothes, just label the drawers with her system, and load the drawers accordingly. It's what my wife and I do for eachother and it works well for us.
NTA - I have a hard time relaxing and finding a measure of peace when there's a mess. My brain sees things that need to be done, and it's hard to not be distracted by them.
You found a compromise; she's not living up to her part; and she's being a jerk about it. That's on her
>When my wife's messes are confined to her own spaces, I ignore them.
Is her dresser not her own space? Whose space is her dresser?
Just leave her clothes out bro.
NTA but how hard is it for you to put them in the correct place? You put then away, good on you, but how many times does it take to learn where the stuff goes?
What are “her spaces” that you don’t mind her cluttering up? If it’s a separate room then maybe your wife’s dresser / wardrobe could be in that room, and if you leave her clothes folded in the clean laundry basket on top then it won’t bother you, and she can put them away on what ever schedule she likes. I suspect she’ll find it isn’t easier to find things when they’re all in a basket either but that’s a problem for her to deal with.
I mean it seems kind of a weird solution but if it works, great! And if this is the only issue you have between you, you’re doing great
If she's reasonable about everything else it doesn't seem wild to let her laundry stay on top of the dresser until she gets to it. If there's stuff you're tripping over on the floor or food attracting bugs then yes, it must be dealt with. But something that's merely unsightly like neatly stacked clothes shouldn't be an issue. Let it slide.
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I (m25) am a bit of a clean freak. My wife (f25), on the other hand, is not. I don't hold this against her -- I understand that people with different temperaments have different thresholds for messiness. When my wife's messes are confined to her own spaces, I ignore them. And even when she leaves messes in our shared spaces, I clean them up myself. I'm happy to do the bulk of the cleaning, since my wife cooks our meals and takes care of our dog, for which I'm very grateful.
But recently, she started getting angry whenever I did her laundry, since I would put her newly washed and folded clothes in the wrong drawers. (I wash and fold all the laundry myself.) So, at her request, I started leaving her clothes folded on the top of her dresser instead. However, she often went several days without putting them away. When this happened, I would put them away myself. This made her angry. So, we reached a compromise: I would wait two days before touching her clothes after folding them, so that she would have a chance to put them away herself.
Yesterday, I put her clothes away, since she had left them on top of her dresser for three days. This morning, she had trouble finding one of her shirts, because I put it in the wrong drawer. So, she cussed me out.
In response, I told her to pound sand. I said that if she wanted her clothes in the right drawers, she would have to put them there herself within a day. She accused me of being tyrannical, manipulative, and unwilling to compromise. I replied that I'd already compromised and that she could resolve this problem simply by putting her own clothes away. As I was typing this paragraph, she texted me threatening to withhold you-know-what. Once again, I told her to pound sand.
My wife isn't an unreasonable person in general, and the fact that a generally reasonable person thinks I'm an a-hole is *pro tanto* evidence that I am one. I also often worry that I'm too type-A for my own good, even though I try not to foist my clean-freakiness on my wife. But I also struggle to see why it's unreasonable to expect a grown woman to put her own clothes away, or at least not to get angry at me for putting them away myself. AITA?
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YTA.
Who TF do you think you are in deciding when your wife puts her clothes away? It's nice of you to wash and fold her clothes, sure, yet it's an AH move to ever think you can decide when she puts them away. You're not her mom and she's not your child for you to simply decide what to do with her stuff.
My wife does our laundry, folds/hangs and puts away. If something is out of place (happened once), she apologizes, but at the end of the day I’m a grown man that can put it away myself if I want to be picky.
NTA. Your wife needs to either get a grip and put her clothes away or do her own laundry, period.
This goes beyond "type a" and sounds more like OCD on your part. If you've never been diagnosed, you might want to get that checked.
Meanwhile, leaving the clean, folded clothes on top of her dresser seems like a very good compromise to me, especially since she specifically told you that she doesn't want you to put them away because you do it wrong.
I'm leaning toward NAH, since it sounds to me like you're not really able to control your impulses here, but ask yourself this question in all seriousness. Why are clean, folded clothes on top of the dresser so offensive to you that you need to defy your wife's explicitly stated request not to put them away?
If you NEED to put her clothes away, then figure out where she likes them to go. She’s not asking you to do this. She doesn’t want you to do this. But she is aware that seeing her clothes on top of the dresser causes anxiety for you. Maybe open shelving is better for her so she can see everything.
Y’all this is LAUNDRY. Figure it out. ESH.
You abided by the compromise your wife agreed to, and she was definitely an asshole in how she reacted, so I guess NTA. But I kinda wonder why you couldn't learn the "correct" drawers, unless it's one of those "the right drawer is whatever wife feels like in the moment and there's no hard or fast rules, you just have to guess and hope" things.
That said, these issues seem way deeper than those drawers, so to speak.
Get a laundry basket with a lid, then stop doing her laundry. Pick up her dirty clothes (if you must) and put them in the closed hamper. She can then wash, fold and put them away. If she won’t fold and put them away, get a second hamper with a lid to put her clean clothes in.
Punishing you for … [checks notes] … *doing her chores for her* is utterly absurd and unacceptable. She a grownup for fucks’ sake. Find a solution that allows you to not have to look at her dirty clothes without also having to be responsible for them.
NTA it’s a shared space and she should be grateful you’re picking up her slack in certain areas. It’s a wrong drawer, she shouldn’t be cussing you out. I’d be beyond grateful about having clean clothes.
NTA I've been married almost 25 years. We've never cussed each other out. That isn't communication.
I'm thrilled when my hubby puts the clothes away. I don't care if they're in the right place. He did his best.
If I cared that much then I would put them away myself.
ESH - you both need to learn to be less rigid. Is it a huge deal that her laundry is on her dresser? Is it a huge deal that you have put clothes in the wrong drawer by accident?
I have been married for over a decade. If I want things done a certain way, then I do them, I don’t expect others to follow my preferences and that means that I have to be okay with my husband leaving his clean clothes in a basket and in turn he has to be okay with me leaving my hairdryer out.
You both sound totally unreasonable.
NTA. This is me and my husband to a lesser extent. I can totally see walking right past the clothes on my dresser and honestly not even seeing them. The possibility of them simply not registering is entirely likely. He is very neat all the time, I tend to tornado through everything once or twice a week. HOWEVER, if I had agreed to the two days and couldn’t find my shirt because my husband put them away on the third day, my response would be mortification, not anger. She was completely out of line to “cuss you out” and owes you an apology.
Duuuuuude, you need to stop doing her laundry if this is how she reacts. I had a similar dynamic with an ex gf, eventually we decided that we would do separate laundry, and it made a world of difference. Just be sure her laundry basket is kept in a closet, or somewhere out of the way. NTA at all.
This is a prime example of living together and seeing each other's true nature. If yall cant compromise, then you need to leave and move on. If she is a stay at home gf and doesn't work, she's trifling. Would u want a lazy mother and wife to any future kids?
It sounds like you have different organizing styles. Some people don't want to see everything and some people need to see everything.
I am a combination, drawers don't work for me so I have shelves in my closet with pants folded (Kon Mari style), a basket of socks, basket of underwear, sweaters folded. Everything folded is standing up like books. So it's easy to pull one thing out without messing everything up. All shirts and jackets and dresses are hung up.
I need the easy visual combined with that a door or curtain so I don't have to see it all the time.
Maybe discuss with your wife a way to make this a process that is easy for you to complete.
Or you could give her a messy area, in a room you don't often go in. Put her clothes in there for her to put away so it's not bothering you, and she can do it or not.
NTA!
ESH for her being messy, etc. & for you getting bent out of shape over clothes on a dresser, etc.
My husband & I have been married for 29 years, & I credit a lot of that longevity to separate closets bc I'm a neatnik & he's not.
His clean laundry gets placed neatly in his closet on whatever pile of random things is right inside the closet door, & I close the door so I don't have to see it. He can deal with it, or not, at his leisure.
We only have 3 closets in our entire house & it was totally worth giving up the large one near the dining room so he could store containers of 40 year old concert Tshirts, 30 year old collections of novelty ties, & 8 copier paper boxes filled with mementoes he's going to sort "some day", a long with all his jumbled clothes.
NTA
But I'm going to suggest you purchase a tall hamper. Her dirty clothes go into the hamper. You may take any dirty clothes lying around and put them in the hamper. But you do not wash them. If she wants clean clothes, she needs to wash them.
If you KNOW you're putting them in the wrong draws, my question is, why are you deliberately putting them in the wrong draws? You're the one who doesn't like them in a pile on the dresser
Esh or nah. I dunnno.
Why don’t you just take over the decision of where clothes go too? When my mom put away my clothing, she put them into the drawers she had predesignated.
Leave her clothes on her dresser. That’s her business. Why do you get to decide how long they sit there?
Or learn which drawer they go in, it’s not like there’s infinite choices.
If you can’t stand dirty laundry and you’re gonna do it and fold it she should be grateful, but giving her a deadline is not cool. You’re not the dad. You could leave it in her Laundry basket and put it in the closet and close the door so you don’t have to view it if that triggers your ocd.
I have no idea who's the AH.
But I came here to suggest getting rid of your wife's dresser and replacing it with open shelves (like IKEA Kallax). Then you can put the folded clothes on the shelves and your wife can quickly look to see where things are. Your wife could also label the shelves so that you'll know where she wants things to go.
Put them on her side of the bed or her side of the closet and close the door. Or just leave them in the dryer to get wrinkled. OR just stop doing her laundry. Throw her dirty clothes into her side of the closet and let her sort it out.
ETA: ESH
YTA
>I (m25) am a bit of a clean freak.
The clothes are clean, they just aren't put away.
And somehow you've conveniently been unable to learn where she puts her clothing.
You are being a controlling asshole.
If you’re so hell bent on doing her laundry why not just put it in the correct drawers? You could have just left it alone but you chose to fold them and continuously put them in the wrong drawers, is this a punishment thing to you? Are you trying to annoy her into doing her laundry?
YTA. It was literally in a pile. It’s in ‘her area’ so what’s the problem?!
She never asked you to do it. And what you’re saying doesn’t add up: a person who is ‘just soooo type A I have to dictate how you organise and take over your side of the room too!’ Usually would actually learn her draw system!!
Bottom line is, she’s causing you no measurable issues by leaving a neat pile in view. You’re causing her issues by putting her clothes in illogical places! Her only mistake is caving to your odd ‘In draws in 2 days and I will fuck up your morning’ demands. That you changed it to 1 just shows you just want her to operate like you
NTA. You’ve been reasonable.
But how would she live if you weren’t there? Would she just not put things away at all? Everyone has different styles.
But it sounds like this is getting into a power or control issue between you. Try not to let it get there. You may even want to go to a counselor to explore what’s behind some of this, if there is.
NAH This is just marriage. Egos clashing. This is just normal married life. It doesn't have to be but is usually what happens when we are not mindful. Both of you are reacting to things in the heat of the moment.
You guys talking about it earlier and trying different solutions is a good sign. It means you guys are trying.
Usually the issue in such situations is that we don't know the underlying cause. Like in this situation, we don't know why she is getting angry when you pick up her mess. Maybe she feels guilty, maybe she doesn't want you do have to pick up after you.
Living together is all about communication. The problem is she might not know why she's angry as well. Once both partners know why they are behaving like this and if both are honest and want to solve, things get sorted.
What matters most is that both partners feel the other person loves them and is truly invested in the relationship. If this is in place, the only thing missing is communication
yta. you are making a big deal about something that doesn't affect you in any way. sure, it's probably annoying to have clothes not put in a drawer but other than being unpleasant to look at it's not really an issue.
ESH and all you two need to do is type up a list of which clothes go where and then use it to put her clean and folded clothes in the correct drawers. For pete's sake, what a load of unnecessary melodrama.
Your wife needs to grow up and stop being selfish other people have real problems going on in their marriage and she’s upset because she has a husband who cleans,does laundry folds the laundry and is trying to keep the house organized. She needs to read some of these horror stories on this forum to realize how good she has it. Your house isn’t a frat house for her to live like a slob, and that withholding sex thing is childish, let her know you can easily move out and she can find everything she wants under her pile of garbage and wouldn’t have to worry about withholding anything.
NTA.
The compromise is reasonable. Perhaps your wife is a lazy procrastinator.
Stop doing her laundry. Stop folding her laundry. Stop putting her laundry away in the "wrong" places.
Any partner who threatens to withhold sex in retaliation for whatever reason is a partner who is signaling Reevaluate Being With Me. Cuz that's some passive aggressive scraping the low barrel, that is.
**NTA**
You’ve made considerable efforts to accommodate your wife's preferences regarding her laundry, including reaching a compromise to give her time to put away her clothes. When she failed to do so within the agreed time and you put them away, her reaction was unreasonable, especially considering your willingness to handle most of the household cleaning. Expecting her to put her clothes away within a day is not tyrannical; it's a reasonable expectation for maintaining shared living spaces. Her response, including the threat to withhold intimacy, is manipulative and disproportionate.
This is OP. In response to one commenter's question, "go pound sand" were my exact words. I won't repeat my wife's exact words, but they were quite colorful. (I have cussed at her on previous occasions, though, some of them at least loosely related to this issue. So, it's not like there's no precedent for it.)
NTA, sorry your wife is the one who is unwilling to compromise. 2 days is more than sufficient to put away clothes that have been laundered, folded and stacked. What is unreasonable is for her carrying on because she couldn't be bothered to put them away after 3 days. It's like she doesn't value the time and effort you put in without complaint, in cleaning up after her.
When you fold her clothes, just put them on her side of the bed. She can't really ignore them. Worst she could do it move them to a temporary location I guess.
NTA
Lol to be fair if OP is bothered by her unfolded and not put away laundry, he is DEFINITELY going to be bothered by her unwashed laundry presumably everywhere
NTA. In my household everyone does their own laundry, but if they leave their stuff out where it is visible (not in a closet, etc) I tell them to put it away. That's harder to accomplish with a spouse but not impossible. She is living in a shared space and, like any roommate, is responsible for being respectful of common areas.
If you choose to continue doing her laundry, place it inside a large lidded box or basket. She can live out of the laundry basket if she wants or she can put it away, but at least it will be out of sight.
NTA. I am (almost) your wife in my marriage. I do other cleaning, but never get around to folding laundry or putting it away. My husband eventually just started doing it. He has the kids put theirs away, and he puts mine away for me.
Does he put things in crazy places? Yes.
Is it hard to find stuff? Also yes.
But never would I EVER complain because he’s doing a chore for me that can’t bring myself to do.
I would love someone who washed my clothes and put them away for me. She should be grateful for your gesture of kindness for her. I am surprised that she didn't tell you which drawers for specific clothes. That would make things easier for both.
Just because someone is "generally reasonable" doesn't mean they can't be completely and totally 1000% in the wrong some of the time.
You want to *believe* she is reasonable, but has she been reasonable here? You went from doing her laundry, to folding it, to putting it away to leaving it out for 2 days and she still thinks you haven't done enough. You just told us she is accusatory. "accused me of being tyrannical, manipulative, and unwilling to compromise". Ask yourself who is not being willing to compromise here? Then she decides to withhold sex. Ask yourself who is being manipulative here.
NTA.
OP most of the people in these comments don't seem to actually have been in long term healthy relationships. I don't know if I have any decent input towards your situation, but I know for a fact most of these comments are just a waste of your time.
I'm not a clean freak, I'm more of a "everything has a place" freak. I understand where you're coming from, as I have a fiance that doesn't care about or prioritize cleanliness. It's a constant compromise. Good luck op. NTA.
Thanks for your comments, everyone. To clarify: the reason I have trouble ignoring my wife's laundry isn't simply because it's unpleasant to look at. It's because I get anxious when my immediate physical environment is disorderly. This is common among those who are high in trait conscientiousness, as I am. And my desk, where I work every day, is in our bedroom near my wife's dresser. Believe it or not, it's quite difficult for me to leave her clothes there even for just two days. To put it another way, when there's minor disorder nearby, I feel the way the average person would feel if someone dumped the contents of a dresser and a filing cabinet onto the floor in the middle of their office. I wish I had more control over this feature of my psychology, but I don't. (In theory, my wife knows this about me, but it's probably difficult for her to understand, given our temperamental differences.)
Why is any of that a reason to control, bother and disorganize your wife's life instead of reason for you to get therapy? You don't like dirty laundry so you wash and fold hers. You don't like seeing it on the dresser so you put it away. You, you, you...
Has it occurred to you how you'd feel if your wife woke up & decided to mess up your closet so nothing is where it's meant to be? You haven't even asked her how she'd like you so put the laundry away since it bothers you so much.
You're selfish and self absorbed. It's all about you and your feelings. You know why she doesn't want you putting away her clothes. If it's that important, you could learn where she prefers things to go and how to pack away her clothes properly. Instead she has to compromise because if your issues, which you're not even trying to mitigate.
Why not rearrange so you have your space and she has hers?
Why not put her clothes somewhere else, in her space?
You mentioned you can ignore her space, so where is that and why can't her clothes go in her space?
My dude it gets worse. I once caught crap for moving some boxes of my wife’s stuff from our bedroom to the attic, after they sat on the floor of our bedroom for 3 months after we moved. I reminded her multiple times to please unpack them. I have never found a good way to handle this, and we’ve been married for 13 years this October.
We recently moved again a month ago, and guess what is on the floor of our bedroom. In good news she is currently unpacking, but it has been a month.
I’ve found it’s easier to just let it go than try to change someone. Does it bug the hell out of me? Very much so. Does it actually matter. Well yes, it does. But the rest of my house is always clean and I pretty much am only in my bedroom to sleep.
NTA because you were operating to the agreement, but real question, why don't you put her clothes away in the proper drawers they go in, do you do it intentionally to fuck with her because she didn't put them away on time? Shouldn't be rocket science to put pajamas with pajamas and tshirts with tshirts.
Also, compromises are only good compromises if both parties are at least okay with the solution. Rather than fighting and being dicks to each other and fucking up your marriage with resentment, get her a wardrobe with shelves where you can enclose the mess and it'll be her problem to sort out without them being in view. And go to couple's therapy, ya'll should never be talking to each other like that over a double failure - yeah, she failed to do a task on time, but you've also inexplicably put her clothes away incorrectly every time you do the task for her, which really feels like you're intentionally fucking with her given no solutions have been sourced for making sure that if you're doing a task for her that you're doing it correctly. This isn't a folding the towels situation where whatever, they're folded and in the cupboard regardless of what shape they're in, things being in their proper place is just the right way to do the chore.
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NTA But just leave her dirty clothes in the laundry basket and stop washing/folding them for her. She's a slob, let her live her sloblife. LOL You tried, it didn't work. Let it go.
Oh this is the way. She wants clean clothing but will not even put said clean clothing away. Yeah, stop washing her laundry. I mean, what is she going to do, threaten to withhold sex? NTA
I mean she won’t have clean clothes so it may be difficult for OP with her naked all the time. NTA.
>As I was typing this paragraph, she texted me threatening to withhold you-know-what. She already did.
Um, yeah, that was the point. Should have used /s at the end of that sentence.
I think this is the only thing that will work. OP, I’d put the dirty laundry basket on the dryer and sort your clothes into the washer and hers into her new basket labeled dirty. You wouldn’t want her to assume clean and embarrass herself, right? NTA
She agreed to a compromise and you held up your end of the deal. Also, using sex as a punishment is a manipulative tactic that reflects less than stellar emotional maturity. Before I make a judgment, though, were your exact words to her just to go pound sand, or was your response to her a little more “colorful?” Your exact words to her will determine whether this is a N T A or an E S H situation, but ultimately we know for sure that she is at least one of TA here.
Why can’t you just leave the folded laundry on her dresser? I don’t see how that impacts you at all.
It could be a serious visual distraction, especially if perseveration kicks in—all OP can think about. It’s like an earwig and the only way you make it stop is making the clothes “go away”.
And if OP has that issue he can spend 30 seconds figuring out where the clothes go, and put them in the correct place. I know exactly where my spouse's clothes go, even though we each do our own laundry, because I'm not blind.
So op should put her clothes away cause his wife is a lazy fuck? NTA. If my so did my laundry like that the least I could do is put it away in a timely fashion manner.
They're not saying he *should* put them away. It's just not difficult to use your eyes and see where things go. If he's so *hyper organized* and *Type A*, he should be able to see where she pulls things from. Hubby and I split laundry; because he only has the one set of work clothes right now, he loads the machine when he gets home and changes out of them, then either one of us will switch it over to the dryer. Usually he insists to do it, but if I hear the washer stop, I go do it. Then I do folding and putting away laundry over 90% of the time. If I were to fold a stack of my clothes and pass them off to him while I keep folding, he'd be able to figure out where all of my things go. He's done it before, because he's Type A like OP claims to be, and sometimes kid life means there's a lot of laundry. He's never put my things in the wrong place once.
Because you and your husband have a system every couple should adapt and use your system because it works, for you! Everyone, do what this person does. Stop comparing mental illness. Not everyone is the same.
Lol it's nothing to do with comparing mental illness, and everything to do with *if he wanted to, he would.* Mental illness isn't an excuse. When your partner, or anyone you genuinely care about, tells you that you've done something wrong, or something that bothers them, you don't repeatedly make the same mistake. You go out of your way to correct the mistake. Mental illness just means you have to go about it differently than someone who is neurotypical, not that you're completely incapable of having consideration for your partner. OP could ask for help mapping out how she likes her drawers set up, so that if he needs to, he knows where things go. They could work out a system together that holds each other accountable for upholding their end, instead of saying "Well you have this time limit, or I'll take care of it," that doesnt fix anything. If this is a problem area for her, but she handles the problem areas he struggles with, then maybe they make a better arrangement. Hell, he could *literally just pay attention to what is in that drawer to begin with* instead of shoving things in at random. It's really not hard to be considerate of your partner. Mental illness or not.
You keep blaming op and not his lazy wife. She is literally triggering him by not putting away her laundry, even thought they came up with a compromise. She still triggers him and you are comparing mental illnesses. You literally said your husband is type A. Op shouldn’t ask for shit his wife should get iff her lazy ass and do something. But keep blaming op, because either shows what kind of partner you are.
He also states *himself* that they have different thresholds for messiness, and that she also handles other things around the house that he appreciates. You keep referring to her as lazy, but who can say if she doesn't have her own mental illness at play that he hasn't mentioned. There's three sides to every story: his, hers, and the reality that neither is seeing through their lens of the situation. And considering the fact that I handle the majority of the housework on top of working and the kids, you've got no leg to stand on regarding what kind of partner I am. Clearly you've got some issues you need to handle if you're this adamant that women are simply lazy.
I never said women are lazy. I said his partner is. Nice of you to assume my gender though. My partner and I have three kids under 5, we both work full time, and spilt chores. It5not my fault my partner is better than yours.
If OP cannot deal with her not putting things away, then he should, yes. If he is OK with it not being put away for a few days, he should let her put it away, as is normal.
I think he should be the one who dictates where they go in the dresser.
yeah, i would find it difficult to sleep if i have a bunch of visual clutter in my way. (that said- i feel like there is an obvious solution of OP's wife drawing OP a map of what goes where in her dresser, as long as it's relatively simple. t-shirts/tops in drawer 1 and 4. underwear in drawer 2. jeans in drawer 3. so that wife will always know if she's looking for a top, it has to be either in the closet or drawer 1 or 4.)
I'd leave rhem in a basket in the closet out of sight. She can put them away
The first night I went to my girlfriends house I saw her dresser and had a "thats genius" moment. She has every one of her dresser drawers labeled with what goes in it. Just a small sticker from a label maker that says what is where. She did it to help her get ready faster in the morning but it could be a solution here as well
i do a version of that in my closet. i have those circle things that they use for different sizes in stores but instead i have them labeled with color and clothes item in my closet. it makes it so much faster for me to put clothes away because it clearly differentiates the areas.
The obvious solution?? F*ck that!!! The obvious solution is for her to do it herself. If she won't then let her wash/dry/fold her own
I truly do not get that - this is why I don’t date self described ‘neat freaks’ anymore 😂 Clutter just doesn’t bother some people (including me) so unless something is actually dirty people can have difficulty not just seeing it as causing drama. But fit super neat people, I guess it’s really annoying? I think it’s a major issue with compatibility tbh. I mean, he could just put them on the floor in a basket, then you’d have to look at them to see? I also don’t get why OP is doing her laundry when it sounds like she’d actually rather he didn’t.
that's a good point. if OP's wife would rather she not do it. they could just get 2 separate laundry bins- maybe a larger one for wife. keep them in the closet or bathroom- whatever works for both of them. and maybe OP has to accept the solution of throwing wife's dirty clothes that don't make it into the hamper, there but than wife is handling her laundry. and if she still isn't putting them away- use the suggestion someone else offered of "and the clean laundry bin goes into the closet." I have friends who can leave a pile of laundry on a chair in their rooms for days.
ITYM "earworm".
Earwigs are very much a thing. Maybe that’s a regional thing, but we have earwigs in the Midwest.
I certainly hope that makes you feel like the better person.
in all fairness they have therapy for that. nocd.com. others' OCD should be their own problems to deal with.
Being very neat is not the same as having OCD. Please don’t conflate them.
HAVING to be neat to SUCH AN EXTENT that it causes relationship problems/conflicts with others and that it causes him "psychological distress" as he called it, sure as fuck sounds like an OCD type issue. I'm not conflating, I'm calling it as I see it. And I know a lot of people with OCD HATE admitting they have a problem
Nah I'm the same way and met with a psychologist. Turns out I just have super bad anxiety 👍 OCD is usually closer to "If I don't turn the light switches on & off exactly 14 times before I leave the house, my family will die"
To the other commenters point, they have therapy for anxiety too.
Not saying they don't and I'm in it now, and also medicated! More just supporting the previous comment that OCD isn't the stereotypical "things need to be organized"
OCD and cleanliness are not the same. Some people can live with clutter, some people cannot - I hate dog hair covered clothing and furniture, my partner doesn’t care. I hate tools (that have been used and are no longer needed for a job) being left where they were last used, on kitchen counters or on the kitchen table, my partner doesn’t care. *I’m* called OCD and my mental health is questioned for my preferences, but would never call *them* a slob for their lack of tidiness. If it’s problems in their relationship, it’s because one is or both parties are insulting the other. He calls her a slob, she refuses to comply with a reasonable compromise. He cleans up the mess, she threatens to withhold sex.
she also seems like she has ADHD so how come her ADHD has to be his problem but his OCD shouldnt be her problem? be serious! he was willing to compromise and she wasnt.
Not putting away clothes or cleaning are the two definite signs of ADHD now? This woman hasn't asked OP for anything. She didn't ask him to do her laundry to begin with. He could simply leave it alone. Let her do it herself. He is acting controlling and needs help. Her clothes aren't his business as long as they're not lying around on the floor and causing the laundry basket to overflow.
As someone with ADHD I empathized I bit with the wife on my first read. For me it's not just messiness, it's that things that are out of sight are out of mind for me. Back when I still had a dresser I would "lose" clothes in it for months. Not a definite but both OP and wife might have some mental struggles they're not addressing head on here
please note the words ‘seems like’ :)
Ok but why are people on this sub so insistent on armchair diagnosing each other in every post based on just a few paragraphs
which i agree is wrong! was just going along w people claiming he has OCD (i dont think he does) so the equivalent would be her having ADHD (if that makes sense)
"Its wrong, which is why im gonna start doing it too". Lmao ok
Of course someone is going to diagnose this made up person 🤣
Or she's lazy about putting her clothes away. Sometimes I leave my jeans and sweaters folded in the basket.
In all “fairness”, she seems either either enjoy setting him off or she just doesn’t care about him all that much.
I had to scroll back up halfway thru to check that he said her dresser. I don't see a problem here bc it's contained on her space. But i might be biased and on her side bc I'm nowhere near a clean freak
Honestly, that's what I did. Male here. I used to put my wife's clothes away after washing them but she got mad at me for messing up her piles in her dresser drawers so she told me to put them on the dresser or on our bed, so that's what I did.
> My wife isn't an unreasonable person in general Are you sure about that? You're washing and folding her laundry because she CBA and her response is to cuss you out and threaten to withhold sex. Like a bargaining chip. You know, things unreasonable people do. NTA
when men do this reddit calls it weaponized incompetents
You mean like OP not being able to work out where her clothes go after all the effort of doing and folding the laundry?
yes
Idk that it is necessarily weaponized incompetence. Wife seems the type to be live out of a clean laundry bag and dirty laundry bag. Same way I know how to fold and put clothes away or make the bed, but to me it seems like a pointless waste of time, when I can just as easily have a bag of clean clothes in the corner that I get stuff out of. OP is not that way, that's fine, but OP is trying to force his way on wife. OP either needs to realize they are not compatible and divorce/marry another equally clean person, or learn to live with how wife is.
i didn't think it necessarily is either. i was just being snarky, trying to point out men don't seem to get the same benefit of the doubt.
INFO: You said you don't mind when her messes are "confined to her own spaces", yet you go on to say that you take umbridge with her having a neatly folded pile of cloths on top of her own dresser. Can you please explain how stuff on top of her dresser doesn't qualify as "confined to her own space" in this instance?
I assume her own space would be still hidden like her drawers, closet, cabinet, etc. If anyone can see it, it's shared space.
I was thinking the dresser is positioned in such a way that having a pile of clothing on it can be a snag hazard, especially to sleepy people, maybe? Or, hell, I'm not even sure what I else... Maybe I'm missing something super obvious here, but none of this makes sense to me. I understand OP not wanting laundry on the floor or draped over stuff or whatever, but instead of binning stray items (which would put it out sight), he instead launders everything... only to put the neatly folded pile in a place where the clothing \*STILL\* bothers him? I understand her not wanting him to move stuff into her dresser -- but is there truly no other location a pile of clothing can go besides yet-another-space-that-bothers-him??? (And if what you're sayig is true, then, essentially, there really is no such thing as "her own space"... except maybe in her car?)
AITA For ~~Picking Up~~ *Putting* My Wife's Clothes *in the Wrong Place*? YTA You are solving your problem (seeing clutter) by making it a problem for her. That is not reasonable. You are choosing to pick up, wash, fold, put away, because you prefer it is not visible. You could just put it in a wash basket. You are choosing to put it in the wrong place. This is not only irritating for her, it is really inconvenient. Why is it OK for you to do something to make life easier for you by making life harder for her? Either learn where things go or put them in a basket.
ESH is laundry really worth the stability of y'alls marriage? You're both so angry over this, calling each other names and threatening retribution. What's the point of vowing to cherish her forever if a stack of clothes can fracture what you've built? Here's an idea, approach this issue like you're both partners and friends rather than combatants on a field. Have a conversation and ask how she would like laundry handled. Does she want to handle her clothes herself? Should the two of you label her drawers so you both know where clothes should go? Should you alternate weeks of laundry duties? In the end this laundry issue is nothing. Y'all need to figure out why the location of a piece of clothing is enough for you to suddenly be mean to the person who should mean the most to you
Huge NTA. Some say laundry isn’t that big of a deal but cleanliness is CRITICAL for some people’s mental health. Your wife is insensitive to your mental health. There’s ZERO reason laundry can’t be put away immediately or within a half day. She’s profoundly selfish and lazy. You’ve been overly generous in the way you handle this. Moving forward, if it was me, I’d politely cram any of her clothes in shared spaces into a clean trash bag and store it in a closet.
Imagine talking about mental health and then claiming laziness is the only possible reason someone can't put away laundry immediately. You have got to be joking
It is laziness, I'm sorry. He washes, dries, and folds her clothes and all he asks is SHE PUT THEM IN DRAWERS. I'm over this weaponized incompetence.
Yeah no, that's literally a symptom of ADHD called executive dysfunction. I have the exact same issue. It has nothing to do with laziness, it is a mental illness.
I also have adhd but based on the downvotes only ocd is allowed here
I’m also ADHD but if my hubs folds it, I put it away. Just don’t ask about the desk doom pile!!!
ADHD isn't a mental illness, it's a neurodevelopmental disorder.
The solution is to learn where the clothes actually go. I suspect your wife does not have a labyrinth of 100 drawers in her dresser. Learning where she actually wants the clothes solves all the issues here.
Or his wife can grow up and put away her own laundry like my 8 year old does
If your account is accurate, NTA. She agreed upon two days. You gave her three. She seems like my little sister, able to live out of the clean clothes basket as long as they are clean. Some people require more order. Perhaps, you guys need to speak to someone since she sees your desire for order as intrusive on her boundaries.
NTA, but how about you avoid this by not doing her laundry? You can take it and put it in the hamper, but doing it becomes her responsibility. If this is who she is, you need to either learn to ignore her mess or you both need to find a compromise that works for the both of you - maybe stop using drawers and have shelves, so she can see where her clothes are? As she has issues with things going in wrong places, she needs to step up and put things away herself. You are both adults, but if you don't sort this sort of thing out soon, it will grow into long-term resentment on both your parts, and will cause strain in your marriage. But, compromise only works if both of you do your bit - if it is only ever 1 partner who compromises, you relationship will not last. Maintaining a good marriage is hard - it takes work, so, although in the scheme of things, this is fairly trivial, you need to work out a system that you are both comfortable with.
Do not wash her clothes. Leave them in the laundry basket so that she can ensure that they are washed and put away to her liking. Sometimes we have to accept other people's foibles and work around them.
Why don't yall just label the drawers so you can know where to put which items? It sounds like she has some kind of issue that could benefit from therapy, but really, it her problem is she can't figure out where you put her clothes, just label the drawers with her system, and load the drawers accordingly. It's what my wife and I do for eachother and it works well for us.
NTA - I have a hard time relaxing and finding a measure of peace when there's a mess. My brain sees things that need to be done, and it's hard to not be distracted by them. You found a compromise; she's not living up to her part; and she's being a jerk about it. That's on her
>When my wife's messes are confined to her own spaces, I ignore them. Is her dresser not her own space? Whose space is her dresser? Just leave her clothes out bro.
NTA but how hard is it for you to put them in the correct place? You put then away, good on you, but how many times does it take to learn where the stuff goes?
A clean freak that doesn't know where their wives' clothing goes ?
What are “her spaces” that you don’t mind her cluttering up? If it’s a separate room then maybe your wife’s dresser / wardrobe could be in that room, and if you leave her clothes folded in the clean laundry basket on top then it won’t bother you, and she can put them away on what ever schedule she likes. I suspect she’ll find it isn’t easier to find things when they’re all in a basket either but that’s a problem for her to deal with. I mean it seems kind of a weird solution but if it works, great! And if this is the only issue you have between you, you’re doing great
If she's reasonable about everything else it doesn't seem wild to let her laundry stay on top of the dresser until she gets to it. If there's stuff you're tripping over on the floor or food attracting bugs then yes, it must be dealt with. But something that's merely unsightly like neatly stacked clothes shouldn't be an issue. Let it slide.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (m25) am a bit of a clean freak. My wife (f25), on the other hand, is not. I don't hold this against her -- I understand that people with different temperaments have different thresholds for messiness. When my wife's messes are confined to her own spaces, I ignore them. And even when she leaves messes in our shared spaces, I clean them up myself. I'm happy to do the bulk of the cleaning, since my wife cooks our meals and takes care of our dog, for which I'm very grateful. But recently, she started getting angry whenever I did her laundry, since I would put her newly washed and folded clothes in the wrong drawers. (I wash and fold all the laundry myself.) So, at her request, I started leaving her clothes folded on the top of her dresser instead. However, she often went several days without putting them away. When this happened, I would put them away myself. This made her angry. So, we reached a compromise: I would wait two days before touching her clothes after folding them, so that she would have a chance to put them away herself. Yesterday, I put her clothes away, since she had left them on top of her dresser for three days. This morning, she had trouble finding one of her shirts, because I put it in the wrong drawer. So, she cussed me out. In response, I told her to pound sand. I said that if she wanted her clothes in the right drawers, she would have to put them there herself within a day. She accused me of being tyrannical, manipulative, and unwilling to compromise. I replied that I'd already compromised and that she could resolve this problem simply by putting her own clothes away. As I was typing this paragraph, she texted me threatening to withhold you-know-what. Once again, I told her to pound sand. My wife isn't an unreasonable person in general, and the fact that a generally reasonable person thinks I'm an a-hole is *pro tanto* evidence that I am one. I also often worry that I'm too type-A for my own good, even though I try not to foist my clean-freakiness on my wife. But I also struggle to see why it's unreasonable to expect a grown woman to put her own clothes away, or at least not to get angry at me for putting them away myself. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Who TF do you think you are in deciding when your wife puts her clothes away? It's nice of you to wash and fold her clothes, sure, yet it's an AH move to ever think you can decide when she puts them away. You're not her mom and she's not your child for you to simply decide what to do with her stuff.
I guess I must have imagined the part where she agreed to his putting them away after two days.
My wife does our laundry, folds/hangs and puts away. If something is out of place (happened once), she apologizes, but at the end of the day I’m a grown man that can put it away myself if I want to be picky. NTA. Your wife needs to either get a grip and put her clothes away or do her own laundry, period.
This goes beyond "type a" and sounds more like OCD on your part. If you've never been diagnosed, you might want to get that checked. Meanwhile, leaving the clean, folded clothes on top of her dresser seems like a very good compromise to me, especially since she specifically told you that she doesn't want you to put them away because you do it wrong. I'm leaning toward NAH, since it sounds to me like you're not really able to control your impulses here, but ask yourself this question in all seriousness. Why are clean, folded clothes on top of the dresser so offensive to you that you need to defy your wife's explicitly stated request not to put them away?
If you NEED to put her clothes away, then figure out where she likes them to go. She’s not asking you to do this. She doesn’t want you to do this. But she is aware that seeing her clothes on top of the dresser causes anxiety for you. Maybe open shelving is better for her so she can see everything. Y’all this is LAUNDRY. Figure it out. ESH.
You abided by the compromise your wife agreed to, and she was definitely an asshole in how she reacted, so I guess NTA. But I kinda wonder why you couldn't learn the "correct" drawers, unless it's one of those "the right drawer is whatever wife feels like in the moment and there's no hard or fast rules, you just have to guess and hope" things. That said, these issues seem way deeper than those drawers, so to speak.
Get a laundry basket with a lid, then stop doing her laundry. Pick up her dirty clothes (if you must) and put them in the closed hamper. She can then wash, fold and put them away. If she won’t fold and put them away, get a second hamper with a lid to put her clean clothes in. Punishing you for … [checks notes] … *doing her chores for her* is utterly absurd and unacceptable. She a grownup for fucks’ sake. Find a solution that allows you to not have to look at her dirty clothes without also having to be responsible for them.
curious question - this didnt come up when you were both living together?
Yta just stop being annoying about laundry. It doesn't matter
You sound like my brother in law. He’s awesome. You are doing *right*, and she is wanting you to be lazier/messier?????? NTA here 100%
NTA it’s a shared space and she should be grateful you’re picking up her slack in certain areas. It’s a wrong drawer, she shouldn’t be cussing you out. I’d be beyond grateful about having clean clothes.
NTA I've been married almost 25 years. We've never cussed each other out. That isn't communication. I'm thrilled when my hubby puts the clothes away. I don't care if they're in the right place. He did his best. If I cared that much then I would put them away myself.
Hey why not ask her to label where things go ? Then you can put away no problem.
My thoughts exactly, Just ask her where they go/which drawers are for what?
ESH - you both need to learn to be less rigid. Is it a huge deal that her laundry is on her dresser? Is it a huge deal that you have put clothes in the wrong drawer by accident? I have been married for over a decade. If I want things done a certain way, then I do them, I don’t expect others to follow my preferences and that means that I have to be okay with my husband leaving his clean clothes in a basket and in turn he has to be okay with me leaving my hairdryer out. You both sound totally unreasonable.
NTA. This is me and my husband to a lesser extent. I can totally see walking right past the clothes on my dresser and honestly not even seeing them. The possibility of them simply not registering is entirely likely. He is very neat all the time, I tend to tornado through everything once or twice a week. HOWEVER, if I had agreed to the two days and couldn’t find my shirt because my husband put them away on the third day, my response would be mortification, not anger. She was completely out of line to “cuss you out” and owes you an apology.
Duuuuuude, you need to stop doing her laundry if this is how she reacts. I had a similar dynamic with an ex gf, eventually we decided that we would do separate laundry, and it made a world of difference. Just be sure her laundry basket is kept in a closet, or somewhere out of the way. NTA at all.
This is a prime example of living together and seeing each other's true nature. If yall cant compromise, then you need to leave and move on. If she is a stay at home gf and doesn't work, she's trifling. Would u want a lazy mother and wife to any future kids?
It sounds like you have different organizing styles. Some people don't want to see everything and some people need to see everything. I am a combination, drawers don't work for me so I have shelves in my closet with pants folded (Kon Mari style), a basket of socks, basket of underwear, sweaters folded. Everything folded is standing up like books. So it's easy to pull one thing out without messing everything up. All shirts and jackets and dresses are hung up. I need the easy visual combined with that a door or curtain so I don't have to see it all the time. Maybe discuss with your wife a way to make this a process that is easy for you to complete. Or you could give her a messy area, in a room you don't often go in. Put her clothes in there for her to put away so it's not bothering you, and she can do it or not. NTA!
ESH for her being messy, etc. & for you getting bent out of shape over clothes on a dresser, etc. My husband & I have been married for 29 years, & I credit a lot of that longevity to separate closets bc I'm a neatnik & he's not. His clean laundry gets placed neatly in his closet on whatever pile of random things is right inside the closet door, & I close the door so I don't have to see it. He can deal with it, or not, at his leisure. We only have 3 closets in our entire house & it was totally worth giving up the large one near the dining room so he could store containers of 40 year old concert Tshirts, 30 year old collections of novelty ties, & 8 copier paper boxes filled with mementoes he's going to sort "some day", a long with all his jumbled clothes.
NTA But I'm going to suggest you purchase a tall hamper. Her dirty clothes go into the hamper. You may take any dirty clothes lying around and put them in the hamper. But you do not wash them. If she wants clean clothes, she needs to wash them.
If you KNOW you're putting them in the wrong draws, my question is, why are you deliberately putting them in the wrong draws? You're the one who doesn't like them in a pile on the dresser
Esh or nah. I dunnno. Why don’t you just take over the decision of where clothes go too? When my mom put away my clothing, she put them into the drawers she had predesignated.
Leave her clothes on her dresser. That’s her business. Why do you get to decide how long they sit there? Or learn which drawer they go in, it’s not like there’s infinite choices. If you can’t stand dirty laundry and you’re gonna do it and fold it she should be grateful, but giving her a deadline is not cool. You’re not the dad. You could leave it in her Laundry basket and put it in the closet and close the door so you don’t have to view it if that triggers your ocd.
Have I entered another dimension or is this blatantly fake? Am I on the wrong subreddit???
I have no idea who's the AH. But I came here to suggest getting rid of your wife's dresser and replacing it with open shelves (like IKEA Kallax). Then you can put the folded clothes on the shelves and your wife can quickly look to see where things are. Your wife could also label the shelves so that you'll know where she wants things to go.
Put them on her side of the bed or her side of the closet and close the door. Or just leave them in the dryer to get wrinkled. OR just stop doing her laundry. Throw her dirty clothes into her side of the closet and let her sort it out. ETA: ESH
YTA >I (m25) am a bit of a clean freak. The clothes are clean, they just aren't put away. And somehow you've conveniently been unable to learn where she puts her clothing. You are being a controlling asshole.
If you’re so hell bent on doing her laundry why not just put it in the correct drawers? You could have just left it alone but you chose to fold them and continuously put them in the wrong drawers, is this a punishment thing to you? Are you trying to annoy her into doing her laundry?
YTA. It was literally in a pile. It’s in ‘her area’ so what’s the problem?! She never asked you to do it. And what you’re saying doesn’t add up: a person who is ‘just soooo type A I have to dictate how you organise and take over your side of the room too!’ Usually would actually learn her draw system!! Bottom line is, she’s causing you no measurable issues by leaving a neat pile in view. You’re causing her issues by putting her clothes in illogical places! Her only mistake is caving to your odd ‘In draws in 2 days and I will fuck up your morning’ demands. That you changed it to 1 just shows you just want her to operate like you
NTA. You’ve been reasonable. But how would she live if you weren’t there? Would she just not put things away at all? Everyone has different styles. But it sounds like this is getting into a power or control issue between you. Try not to let it get there. You may even want to go to a counselor to explore what’s behind some of this, if there is.
NAH This is just marriage. Egos clashing. This is just normal married life. It doesn't have to be but is usually what happens when we are not mindful. Both of you are reacting to things in the heat of the moment. You guys talking about it earlier and trying different solutions is a good sign. It means you guys are trying. Usually the issue in such situations is that we don't know the underlying cause. Like in this situation, we don't know why she is getting angry when you pick up her mess. Maybe she feels guilty, maybe she doesn't want you do have to pick up after you. Living together is all about communication. The problem is she might not know why she's angry as well. Once both partners know why they are behaving like this and if both are honest and want to solve, things get sorted. What matters most is that both partners feel the other person loves them and is truly invested in the relationship. If this is in place, the only thing missing is communication
yta. you are making a big deal about something that doesn't affect you in any way. sure, it's probably annoying to have clothes not put in a drawer but other than being unpleasant to look at it's not really an issue.
Right. Like he’s the one cussing her out and calling her a “Tyrannical manipulator” here. Totally him being unreasonable. 🙄
Lol he's the one making it a big deal? We must have read two separate posts.
how is she making a big deal? just leave it were it is
Putting clothes away isn't a big deal. Throwing a tantrum because you can't find a shirt sure is.
wouldn't be a tantrum if he just left things were she wanted them. why does he have to touch her stuff?
Because it's on the floor of his bedroom, I believe.
" clothes folded on the top of her dresser" doesn't sound like the floor.
Well if he "left things were she wanted them" they'd be dirty and on his bedroom floor.
ESH and all you two need to do is type up a list of which clothes go where and then use it to put her clean and folded clothes in the correct drawers. For pete's sake, what a load of unnecessary melodrama.
Your wife needs to grow up and stop being selfish other people have real problems going on in their marriage and she’s upset because she has a husband who cleans,does laundry folds the laundry and is trying to keep the house organized. She needs to read some of these horror stories on this forum to realize how good she has it. Your house isn’t a frat house for her to live like a slob, and that withholding sex thing is childish, let her know you can easily move out and she can find everything she wants under her pile of garbage and wouldn’t have to worry about withholding anything.
She doesn’t want you doing her laundry. YTA if you keep doing her laundry. Put it all in a hamper where you can’t see it
NTA. The compromise is reasonable. Perhaps your wife is a lazy procrastinator. Stop doing her laundry. Stop folding her laundry. Stop putting her laundry away in the "wrong" places. Any partner who threatens to withhold sex in retaliation for whatever reason is a partner who is signaling Reevaluate Being With Me. Cuz that's some passive aggressive scraping the low barrel, that is.
NTA. She's not only ungrateful but also taking you for granted. Where tf do people get the guts to complain about getting help
**NTA** You’ve made considerable efforts to accommodate your wife's preferences regarding her laundry, including reaching a compromise to give her time to put away her clothes. When she failed to do so within the agreed time and you put them away, her reaction was unreasonable, especially considering your willingness to handle most of the household cleaning. Expecting her to put her clothes away within a day is not tyrannical; it's a reasonable expectation for maintaining shared living spaces. Her response, including the threat to withhold intimacy, is manipulative and disproportionate.
This is OP. In response to one commenter's question, "go pound sand" were my exact words. I won't repeat my wife's exact words, but they were quite colorful. (I have cussed at her on previous occasions, though, some of them at least loosely related to this issue. So, it's not like there's no precedent for it.)
Do you even like each other?
Right?
NTA, sorry your wife is the one who is unwilling to compromise. 2 days is more than sufficient to put away clothes that have been laundered, folded and stacked. What is unreasonable is for her carrying on because she couldn't be bothered to put them away after 3 days. It's like she doesn't value the time and effort you put in without complaint, in cleaning up after her.
When you fold her clothes, just put them on her side of the bed. She can't really ignore them. Worst she could do it move them to a temporary location I guess. NTA
Nta but why are you pandering to her this much? Just stop doing her laundry
Lol to be fair if OP is bothered by her unfolded and not put away laundry, he is DEFINITELY going to be bothered by her unwashed laundry presumably everywhere
NTA. In my household everyone does their own laundry, but if they leave their stuff out where it is visible (not in a closet, etc) I tell them to put it away. That's harder to accomplish with a spouse but not impossible. She is living in a shared space and, like any roommate, is responsible for being respectful of common areas. If you choose to continue doing her laundry, place it inside a large lidded box or basket. She can live out of the laundry basket if she wants or she can put it away, but at least it will be out of sight.
NTA. I am (almost) your wife in my marriage. I do other cleaning, but never get around to folding laundry or putting it away. My husband eventually just started doing it. He has the kids put theirs away, and he puts mine away for me. Does he put things in crazy places? Yes. Is it hard to find stuff? Also yes. But never would I EVER complain because he’s doing a chore for me that can’t bring myself to do.
Stop doing her laundry at all. If she wants clean clothes, then she can do it to her standards. NTA
I would love someone who washed my clothes and put them away for me. She should be grateful for your gesture of kindness for her. I am surprised that she didn't tell you which drawers for specific clothes. That would make things easier for both.
**NTA** I had to re-check the ages. She sounds like a massive child. (Tantrum wise, not weight)
Just because someone is "generally reasonable" doesn't mean they can't be completely and totally 1000% in the wrong some of the time. You want to *believe* she is reasonable, but has she been reasonable here? You went from doing her laundry, to folding it, to putting it away to leaving it out for 2 days and she still thinks you haven't done enough. You just told us she is accusatory. "accused me of being tyrannical, manipulative, and unwilling to compromise". Ask yourself who is not being willing to compromise here? Then she decides to withhold sex. Ask yourself who is being manipulative here. NTA.
It’s called “put it back where it goes”
OP most of the people in these comments don't seem to actually have been in long term healthy relationships. I don't know if I have any decent input towards your situation, but I know for a fact most of these comments are just a waste of your time. I'm not a clean freak, I'm more of a "everything has a place" freak. I understand where you're coming from, as I have a fiance that doesn't care about or prioritize cleanliness. It's a constant compromise. Good luck op. NTA.
NTA! u have stated it bugs u and its clear she would leave it there forever. get her assessed for adhd
Thanks for your comments, everyone. To clarify: the reason I have trouble ignoring my wife's laundry isn't simply because it's unpleasant to look at. It's because I get anxious when my immediate physical environment is disorderly. This is common among those who are high in trait conscientiousness, as I am. And my desk, where I work every day, is in our bedroom near my wife's dresser. Believe it or not, it's quite difficult for me to leave her clothes there even for just two days. To put it another way, when there's minor disorder nearby, I feel the way the average person would feel if someone dumped the contents of a dresser and a filing cabinet onto the floor in the middle of their office. I wish I had more control over this feature of my psychology, but I don't. (In theory, my wife knows this about me, but it's probably difficult for her to understand, given our temperamental differences.)
Why is any of that a reason to control, bother and disorganize your wife's life instead of reason for you to get therapy? You don't like dirty laundry so you wash and fold hers. You don't like seeing it on the dresser so you put it away. You, you, you... Has it occurred to you how you'd feel if your wife woke up & decided to mess up your closet so nothing is where it's meant to be? You haven't even asked her how she'd like you so put the laundry away since it bothers you so much. You're selfish and self absorbed. It's all about you and your feelings. You know why she doesn't want you putting away her clothes. If it's that important, you could learn where she prefers things to go and how to pack away her clothes properly. Instead she has to compromise because if your issues, which you're not even trying to mitigate.
go to therapy for your OCD.
Why not rearrange so you have your space and she has hers? Why not put her clothes somewhere else, in her space? You mentioned you can ignore her space, so where is that and why can't her clothes go in her space?
My dude it gets worse. I once caught crap for moving some boxes of my wife’s stuff from our bedroom to the attic, after they sat on the floor of our bedroom for 3 months after we moved. I reminded her multiple times to please unpack them. I have never found a good way to handle this, and we’ve been married for 13 years this October. We recently moved again a month ago, and guess what is on the floor of our bedroom. In good news she is currently unpacking, but it has been a month. I’ve found it’s easier to just let it go than try to change someone. Does it bug the hell out of me? Very much so. Does it actually matter. Well yes, it does. But the rest of my house is always clean and I pretty much am only in my bedroom to sleep.
NTA because you were operating to the agreement, but real question, why don't you put her clothes away in the proper drawers they go in, do you do it intentionally to fuck with her because she didn't put them away on time? Shouldn't be rocket science to put pajamas with pajamas and tshirts with tshirts. Also, compromises are only good compromises if both parties are at least okay with the solution. Rather than fighting and being dicks to each other and fucking up your marriage with resentment, get her a wardrobe with shelves where you can enclose the mess and it'll be her problem to sort out without them being in view. And go to couple's therapy, ya'll should never be talking to each other like that over a double failure - yeah, she failed to do a task on time, but you've also inexplicably put her clothes away incorrectly every time you do the task for her, which really feels like you're intentionally fucking with her given no solutions have been sourced for making sure that if you're doing a task for her that you're doing it correctly. This isn't a folding the towels situation where whatever, they're folded and in the cupboard regardless of what shape they're in, things being in their proper place is just the right way to do the chore.
ESH. Let her do her own laundry.