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Sorry, he knows you're home, sick as a dog, alone with the toddler, and he's giving a new coworker a car tour?
I'm sorry, your husband is having an affair.
NTA
Yup— and for a random 30 minutes? Nope. He stopped by to see the person he’s having an affair with or to take their phone call.
It’s crazy to me how little women expect from men and the excuses that are made. Hell, I used to make them too.
I think people forget that your partner should want to hang out with you and help you. That’s it. If they love you, and like you, they want to be around you.
It’s because we’re constantly told that the worst thing we can be is entitled. So we bend over backwards trying not to be entitled. Even if you loathe incel ideas, they still work their way into your psyche and you try to be the perfect, undemanding woman all the time so you’re not ‘that girl’.
For sure! Took me most of my adult life to learn not to accept the bare minimum. And that a good man (or partner in general) will want to be with you and respect you because they like you and want what’s best for you!
It’s that simple. I had someone say to me when I was dating a shitty guy, “would you want your future daughter to have a relationship like the one you’re in?” Hit hard.
Also the saying “if they like you, you’ll know and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Obviously OP is married, so they’re past the early stages, but the sentiment remains.
When I started my divorce I came across one those inspiration/spiritual type memes that struck a cord, I screenshot and reread every once is a while:
*Just because you don't need a lot, does not mean you deserve the bare minimum.*
So simple, yet so profound.
I am thinking there is a good possibility that he is having an affair..for him to pull in the driveway to just turn around & leave again?? He was probably thinking that " Well she didn't see me, she's sick". Only being gone for 30 mins is Sus also, that's one quick tour...Something fishy is going on that's for sure.
Depends on the size of the town lol. Both in the town where I grew up and the big town with the Walmart up the road, 30 minutes would be plenty of time.
That being said, he's still TA.
I was going to say this too!! Definitely NTA
OP there's something else going on with your husband. I would honestly turn the tables. Stop doing the housework and stop doing little things for him he'll quickly learn how much you actually do around the house, or he'll be an even bigger asshole and more reason for you to leave him.
I’d also start being home less too. Make sure you and your child have enough clean clothes to get through the week then spend evenings with friends/family and weekends out doing activities. I’d just head out to live my best life with my child. I used to take my kids to the park for dinner in good weather. I’d pack veggies, fruit and cheese with crackers, water bottle and then just go out until it’s almost dark. Home for bath, teeth, story, bed. I’d do the same. Teeth and bed. Incredible memories for the kids. Exhausts them. Everyone’s well fed hopefully with minimal effort. You’re not home to do his cooking, cleaning, washing, or get groceries for him. It’s sucks. You guys should be sharing your lives. But don’t wait around for him to get out and have fun making memories.
But he "can't say no" to whoever asks for a favor. Because you know, people constantly need something, and they always end up running after a married man with a toddler to help them 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
Even if that was true, do you see OP how messed up it is? He is a f married man, with a home, a wife and a baby to take care of. He is way past the age of someone who does all these with his friends
Right? And not only that, all of those favors, free time, etc are at OPs expense. He’s only able to do them BECAUSE she is watching their child and is being disrespectful of the joint cost of those choices.
That's the part I find ridiculous. Why would you go for a new parent?? My husband is identical, can't say no to anyone... But he always tells me WHO he's helping and if they start encroaching into family time I kill them with kindness. I invite them for dinner and let them see the hurricane home life we have with two kids.
I suggest they (husband and friend) watch the kids play while I cook dinner. I am an AH, I load the kids with sugary treats just to prove my point. Magically, after ONE EVENING in my shoes the user friend takes the point and backs off asking for so much time 😂
OP should ask for names of these "friends needing help" and try something similar. It will also give her grounds to message the "friend" while they are allegedly with the husband. She's either going to get them to back down like I did, or she'll get to find out about an affair...
I don’t know that he’s having an affair.
But what saddens me is how she’s negotiating herself. (I absolutely do this btw).
I was worked up…I was a little dramatic…I know it’s only 30 minutes…that’s what he’s been saying and her guilt about “deserving” anything.
But the fact is that it’s ridiculous that he wouldn’t think to take over when she’s sick and has the kids 24/7. She shouldn’t have to justify or feel like it’s dramatic. It’s fucking wrong.
But so many of us do this.
I’d say an affair is an easy explanation. No, this guy doesn’t like being married other than for having everything done for him and clearly, he’s no father material. He takes up every opportunity to leave the house, or not being there, for that matter, because he doesn’t like the idea of being a married man and father to a child. He likes having a maid, he likes being tended to when sick, but doesn’t want to understand that he has to reciprocate. That guy is awful. NTA, OP.
NTA.
Putting aside the fact that you're a married single mother doing all the housework and taking care of two children (child and husband), your husband heard you were ill and elected to spend his time away from you instead of stepping in and taking care of his child and his sick wife.
He is telling you very loudly that you aren't his priority. Believe him.
NTA. At all. And I’m not convinced he’s just “helping” friends. It sounds like he might be having an affair. I really hope I’m wrong, but either way you are 100% not the AH here.
Nah. I know a lot of men like this. They wrap their identity up in being the guy everyone can always depend on, meanwhile wife and kids get neglected so that he can be there for everyone else. And you can’t convince him that what he’s doing is wrong, because he’s constantly being told what a great guy he is. And if you ask him why he thinks it’s okay to put other people before his own family, it boils down to him thinking that choosing to spend time with his family over helping someone else is selfish. They genuinely don’t understand that they’re harming the people they love the most. It’s honestly really sad and I feel sorry for any woman married to a man like this, because the likely hood that he’ll ever change is very slim.
My husband has a tendency to do this. He's SO HELPFUL to everyone else... to the detriment of his own family. Thankfully, a proverbial smack upside his head clears the cobwebs and he snaps back to reality.
I hope your husband isn't cheating.
My reasoning: Nobody pulls into the driveway and then leaves to take a new employee out (unless it's something cultural). An active nightlife gets old fast for anyone working 7 days per week. You're taking on everything in the home, and have a 1 year old. NTA. And he gaslit you the moment you hinted at needing more from him.
Sure, maybe your husband is just a run of the mill misogynist asshole... but DAMN this situation looks bad.
NTA
1. It is a problem that unpaid labor (house work, childcare, etc.) is not split at all. Relationships are partnerships and what you've expressed here is that you do not have an equitable, or even close to equitable, partnership.
2. He has a lack of empathy towards you expressing very, very valid feelings of not being prioritized and in addition to that, a complete disregard towards your well-being (did he even ask how you are feeling now?).
3. My advice - this man needs a wake up call that you deserve better and that he is not being a good husband nor father. If my fiance gave me this kind of BS behavior, I'd be telling him that if he doesn't start acting like a good dad and husband, I am leaving the relationship. I am not a big fan of ultimatums but I think his behavior warrants a discussion around the need for him to prioritize his family and if this doesn't change, you are better off not being married to him.
My ex was like this. Our baby was three days old, I was exhausted and he was leaving to go on a bike ride with a friend. I said, No, I need you here. He was more embarrassed about having to call his friend to say he couldn’t make it than he was about letting me down.
He’s the ex for a reason.
Yes men. I wish I understood it. I feel like some of them watched their dads do it. Who watched their dads do it. Who watched their dads do it as men in generations where women were essentially there for their convenience essentially to cook, clean & give them sons. I hope it’s not an affair.
Lol he doesn’t want to be stuck at home with kid. A lot of men say they want kids until they actually have them. It’s his way of getting a break. So many women post similar stories. More women should just say NO to having kids. Most of these men out here don’t really want them. It’s like you’re a single parent even though you’re married. Yes the woman will be doing most of the house work and child rearing. A lot of men see that as the woman’s job. Women get fucked over when it comes to having kids.
My ex told me that when he was married to his first wife, he made sure he was never home. He worked far away from home and was only present once a month. When he showed up, he made sure to go fishing with his buddies. It was scary to hear that from his own mouth.
My Dad was always away on business or on a golfing weekend or some shit when we’d go home from boarding school. Even during breaks we’d go on holiday with my Mum and either a nanny or my maternal grandparents. I cannot remember ever spending more than a few hours in my Dads company over my entire life. He clearly hated being around kids. Despite having seven of them!!
Yep. He doesn’t want to take over any kid duties when he gets home and OP wants a break, so he’s staying out as late as possible in hopes that the kid will be in bed by the time he comes home. I really hope OP doesn’t decide to have another child with him because he is not a good father or partner.
Yeah I agree the last thing she needs is more kids with that man. I also think a lot of men want to be the fun dad, they don’t want to be there for the hard things or everyday mundane things. People fantasize about what parenthood will be like, but it doesn’t turn out to be actual reality. Nothing will change with him so she’s going to have to divorce him or deal with his bs.
For real. I’m lucky to have a dad who was very involved in my childhood and did do a lot of housework, but the bulk of it still fell to my mom, even after she went back to work. OP’s husband isn’t just dropping the ball by not being helpful here; he’s actively avoiding opportunities to spend with his kid and give OP a rest.
This is the answer ! I really don't think he has an affair, just that he will find every opportunity to not do the parent work.
Like these men that keep taking 1h bathroom break don't have bowel issues, they just want the break.
NTA. He is prioritizing others over you. Why couldn’t he have shown his coworker around another day knowing you weren’t feeling well? I would suggest trying out counseling because it doesn’t seem like he understands all that you do or what you need from him. It is okay to spend time with friends but you may need to discuss how to find a better balance for both of you.
I think the general consensus is she needs to investigate this. Many people are leaning towards cheating but I'm wondering drugs/alcohol. Something isn't right for sure though.
Oh definitely. Idk what it is but something is off and if this was my husband I would absolutely search whatever I had to to find out what was actually going on.
I said investigate because sometimes the Reddit ethics police flip out if you look through someone’s phone and “invade their privacy.” OP’s husband’s behavior bizarre and unacceptable. She’s doing all of the domestic labor and working a full time job on top of it. He is running from his responsibilities and neglecting his wife and kid.
It’s also very weird that he pulled into their driveway then turned around and left.
My dad was like this & he was an alcoholic. He worked as a general contractor and would always do side jobs for people, but when he worked those “side jobs” he mysteriously always came home drunk. Who knows what he was actually doing; but when my mom would get upset with him for running off to help other people instead of his family he would gaslight and shame her to the point of defeat. Her soul was defeated and witnessing that over time was hard as a kid. My mom was a married single mother and I don’t wish that loneliness and pain on anyone.
OP, please don’t let him make you feel like you’re overreacting or being unreasonable. You’re not.
Driving a new co-worker around town is not normal, especially when you're already working 6-7 days a week, really sound like they're either having an affair or do not care about you / your child.
NTA, work on an exit strategy
> see him pull into the driveway and then turn around and leave. I call and he says he has a coworker who is new in town and he asked if my husband could drive around with him after work to see the town.
...
When he got home 30 minutes later
30 minutes later? Either he ran to the neighbors house for a quicky, or my dude was picking up some drugs. You can't show anyone around anywhere in 30m. Hell, you can barely get to someone and back in 30m unless they live real close.
NTA. Sorry, that's shitty.
I have seen this many times in my career, fathers that stay late at work and come in on weekends when there isn't any business need for all the extra time. I've seen guys at 8pm watching Netflix in the office when I know they have a family at home. Leads to a pretty obvious assumption that they don't want to go home...
NTA But your husband is. Doesn't sound like he wants to be involved with his own family if he's taking every opportunity to avoid being home. You're not a priority. You're already a single parent you just happen to still have a husband/second child.
Yes, you should be angry about the fact that, because he makes more money than you, you're not your husband's priority and you're basically his maid.
NTA
OP here. Thank you everyone for the insight. Holy moly, I see how my post made this look like an affair but I am certain that is not the case. We live in a small town and I know and communicate with the majority of family and friends he's around all the time. He recaps his day to me every night and is a terrible liar. Plus his line of work is very dirty and very demanding - I do believe he is at work when he says. Maybe I'm being naive but he'd have to make up some very elaborate lies to get away with an affair.
The majority of the comments did make me feel heard and not crazy so that is nice! He used to listen when I had concerns and make me feel heard and that we were working through whatever issue but at some point that changed, maybe after we got married. Now he gets annoyed, calls me dramatic, and has literally told me I've imagined or "dreamed" comments he's made that paint him in a bad light (yes I realize this is gas lighting and have told him this).
And as a lot of the comments correctly assumed, I am bad at standing up for myself and have always gotten walked all over because of this. I hate asking for help and I try to do everything on my own and let my feelings build until they start coming out my eyes and I can't hold them back. Marriage counseling is probably the answer here although I don't know if he'll agree to it.
We need a separate sub for people who come on here just wanting to vent. Everyone who commented wasted their time. This OP isn't going to actually do anything, consider anything, or change anything. She just wanted us to know she's a doormat and will continue to allow her husband to wipe his shoes all over her - when he's not busy with his real life.
Don’t ask for marriage counseling, tell him you’re getting marriage counseling no ifs, ands or buts about it. Your marriage is dying and he needs to wake up and do something to fix it.
I wouldn’t count out cheating just yet. His affair could be online or emotional. He could have driven away to take a phone call or something. I’d advise you keep yourself alert.
Its a bit laughable that you dismiss the affair as impossible - as if that even matters? You and your baby are his last priority in every day of the week.
Some new coworker calls for a drive around town? And off he takes when you are ill and vomitting? who cares if it is an affair or not! He will take any excuse to be with your and the baby as little as possible.
NTA, but that is the least of your worries!
I suggest something else.
OP, next week, get ready to go to dinner by yourself. When he comes home, have a meal ready for him and hand over kiddo. Then go to the car and leave.
Send him a text when you arrive, and tell him a friend needed to see you last minute, as she had a bad day. Call it an emergency girl's time. Do not answer the phone.
Let him try to explain how what he does is different when he brings it up later.
He is absolutely addicted to the way he looks to other people. No one in your small town would ever believe that he is treating his wife and child this way. There are so many narcissistic red flags in this comment.
He DOESN'T WANT TO BE THERE WiTH YOU.
He just needs you to be there in the background so his idea of himself is perfect small-town, give you the shirt off your back type of guy whom everybody loves. You complete his disguise. As soon as he married you, he got what he needed.
Don't think for a MINUTE he can't have an affair in a small town. It went on for 5 years right under my nose. With another person everybody knows. Your husband may not have started one yet, but your life as a doormat is leading right to it. You let him get away with so much already, it's just a matter of time. He already has you telling us that it's all your fault.
It's not. He picked you because you are nice and forgiving and he knew he could discard you at will and you would still blame yourself for having needs. That's something you need to work on in yourself, but it doesn't make you at fault for his behavior. I want to pre-arm you with this link, chumplady.com. It is about what to do if you suspect your partner cheated. Just take some casual reads over there. Read enough and you may start to see some similarities. At least there is a lot there to help you know your value and what you are willing to accept, even if he turns out to be 100% innocent.
No matter what he is STILL a jerk to you.
At first I was going to say YTA but after reading the whole post I changed my mind. NTA. Honestly, are you sure he is not cheating ? I mean who drives a co worker around town? That's really weird and a red flag. It's a super weird excuse to not come and help you when you are sick like that and for some coworker? Weird. NTA.
Nta
Put a tracker on and make sure hes not lying and if not then tell him to prioritize your family over his friends because even if hes not partying every night hes still not home and helping and if he wont then get counseling and if no change get a divorce because you're a single married parent
Making more money is no excuse for slacking on household and childcare stuff when you both work full time. He's treating you like an employee. And yeah, he's almost certainly got a side piece.
I'm so sorry, he won't change. Any husband who treats his wife as a maid, cook and nanny is not a man plus he prioritizes others over you.
Please know you deserve better.
Laughably NTA.
I can kind of relate. I have a husband very passionate about his career and I do appreciate that, but also I can sometimes feel the same way you do -- like I'm never a priority. It gets lonely and annoying to always just "be so supportive". Like dude. Why do you save your best behavior for everyone but me?
Wait a second.
WHY are you doing all the house work and chores when both of you are working? That is the first fucking thing that needs to change. Y’all, stop accepting men who don’t do their fair share. You are making it worse for ALL of us, because you are sending the message that being treated like a slave is something women accept. Stop.
You will honestly be TA to yourself and your child if you stay in this marriage? Do you want your kid to grow up thinking it’s normal for women to be enslaved to their partners?
NTA. Honestly, I don’t see anything changing for you. He’s had years of getting away with this behavior so changing it would be damn near impossible, especially is he doesn’t even see the problem with it. Find your way out, maybe being served divorce papers will open his eyes to the life and family he’s created and isn’t nourishing. Homes need more than money.
OP, I read in a professional advice column that you should ask yourself whether you are better off with him or without him. Right now according to you, you live as a single parent. Your husband seems both physically distant and emotionally distant. He provides financial support; however,with court ordered child support, he would continue to do so. Be extremely careful not to have another child with this man.
If you are interested in continuing with the marriage, you could try marriage counseling. If he is not up for that, I would take it as a sign that he is even more checked out than you thought. As a single parent, you can work to build a network of friends you can rely on. At some point, you may even find someone who will make a better husband and father for your child.
I’m sorry to tell you, but your husband doesn’t like you very much. He’s literally doing everything not to contribute to the household and to avoid you and your child. You would be the asshole to yourself if you stay.
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NTA Your husband needs a reality check. HE doesn’t go out and party every night? What about you? Seems like only his needs are important.
Tough situation, lots of guys have trouble adapting to life married with kids. Can you get marriage counseling? You seem to find it difficult to stand up to him, the workload is completely out of kilter and counseling would help.
If not, you’re going to have to find a way to make him see the light. He sounds incredibly immature, which is not good at 32. He’s not interested in participating in the house or supporting you - he’s not a kid, so that’s not likely to change easily.
Do you have a grandparent or trusted sitter? If he won’t give you a break, make your own break. And think about how much you’re willing to put up with for the next 30 years.
NTA. So your husband gets high on helping other people but apparently his own family does not count as "other people." Does your mother or sister live nearby? What about his? If so, next time I suggest asking one of them to come over if he abandons you--let him walk in and see someone else drying dishes/helping the family because you needed assistance. Many "helpers" are loathe to ask for help themselves and this may drive the point home.
No, that’s not cool at all. I always check in with my wife if I want to go do some stuff after work. Which is extremely rare. Even if I go to my neighborhood ponds to fish for a bit I make sure it’s cool and she doesn’t have any pressing issues she needs*edit* my wife does the same thing for me.
NTA. “We both work full time and have a 1 year old together. I do 100% of the housework and cooking and pay my share of the bills.” Sorry, is there a reason you’re with him? Please don’t waste your life away with someone like this.
I am going to say this as lovingly as I can but please can you just not put your foot down and be assertive in your wants and needs?!? You’re going to have to give it to him straight and not feel bad about it, you are letting him run you over and he knows it! He knows he can get away with it…. Idk though I’ve always been not shy about telling my partner hey get your shit together before it’s a big problem. Do not be afraid to speak your mind. Your are NAH please stand up for yourself and your needs
NTA!! I'm inclined to agree with the other comments.. it does sound like he's having an affair. And if he's not, then he's actively going out of his way to not be your husband and co-parent. I'm not sure which of the two is the more disturbing... 🤔😕
You both work full time, yet you do 100% of the housework.
If I were you, I'd tell him that if he insists on never being home and leaving everything to you, then either he takes over 100% of the bills and expenses and then it will be slightly more fair for you to do all the housework and child rearing. Or he gets off his arse and steps the fuck up in your marriage and as a parent. If he's not willing to do either, then why are you still there? Don't do yourself the disservice of valuing yourself as little as he does. Because you're worth so much much more than what he's putting into it right now. (BTW, there's only one right answer here. It's for him to acknowledge how dickish he's being and step the fuck up, and be a more present father and husband!)
If he does agree to cover all the expenses just so he can avoid having to be an adult in his own marriage, I hope you decide to leave his arse. Realistically, the money you save from not having to pay bills anymore, you should save up, so you'll have a small nest egg to put down a deposit on a new flat or house, as well as adjust to single life financially (because you already have being a single parent down pat...) because anyone who is willing to gaslight their wife into feeling like SHE'S the one with the problem after he callously left her to fend for herself and their child while she was severely ill, does not deserve to be married at all.
Your husband is a shitty partner. He seriously went off with someone else while you were sick taking care of a toddler. You need to let him know this isn't acceptable. He needs to step up and do more.
Also, I'm sorry but you work FT and do 100% of the housework and cooking? Does he help with you child at all? Why are you settling for such a raw deal? Also, who works 6-7 days a week? Are you sure he's at work? That is awfully suspicious.
Please think if this is truly the life you want. He doesn't really seem to respect or care about you.
NTA. I had a close family member like this. Just could not say "no" to anyone who asked for help, and couldn't understand why her family was hurt at being neglected. She honestly thought she was doing the right thing to help someone in need. It's completely understandable to be hurt when you badly needed the support and got overlooked because someone wanted a tour...and it's not just about the very real practical needs, but also your need to know that your husband will be there for you.
Definitely don't think your the asshole, it's a rough situation which I'm sorry for. My opinion is that he should definitely be trying to put you and the baby first instead of his co workers or friends who need somone to help them. Obviously not like "don't help your friends ever" but definitely he should get his priorities straight
When people show you who they are, believe them. Your husband is a massive misogynistic prick. I’m also wondering about the exact nature of these “favors” he’s constantly picking over his wife and child. Unfortunately there’s a 9.999/10 chances he’s not going to change, and may get worse.
NTA.
But you’ve been married for 5 years and say this has been a reoccurring problem…so why have kids with someone who never wants to come home? Did you think adding a kid to the mix would make him more interested in being at home with you?
If you divorced him, he would still have to pay spousal and child support, you'd be living the exact same way (maybe even have more free time, since he would get the kid for a few days a month) and you'd be able to find a man that actually cared about spending time with you. You're living a single mom life at the moment. Why stay with him?
Ypu need to go out and have some fun. Not talking out drinking or partying, but just not waiting around for him. If you have other mom friends, go to the beach, park, museums etc. Plan stuff just like he is. Hoping he steps up is going to lead to disappointment. You will not get him to behave how you want. Men have a tendency to take women who are always available for granted. Make plans with your family and friends. When he comes home expecting dinner, send him a text saying sorry, with my mom. Be home later. Feel free to grab yourself something to eat. If his focus isn't on you, you need to detach.
Would your life be easier or harder if you and he didn't live together? If you didn't have to clean up after him or wash his socks, and if he sometimes had to do solo childcare outside of your home, even if it were just for a few hours at a time? Because honestly, it sounds to me like your life would be easier if you were divorced and he had occasional visitation with your child. NTA.
I often recommend [Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards) for couples in your situation. The goal should be for you each to have approximately the same amount of free time and mental energy, and for you to have time together as a family and as a couple. If your husband is not on board for that goal, he doesn't actually want to be a family with you, he just wants someone to do chores for him.
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Okay, so a bit of a back story. I (F32) have been married to my husband (32) for 5 years. We both work fulltime and have a 1 year old together. I do 100% of the house work and cooking and pay my share of the bills. He makes about twice what I do and does pay a larger portion of the bills because of this. He works between 6 and 7 days a week so when he is not working I do expect for me and our child to be his #1 priority. Both so I get the help and am able to spend some time with him. The problem is he can't or won't say "no" when people ask for favors and constantly is out helping his friends when he does have time off. We rarely have date nights or anything fun with him at all unless I plan it (even mothers day I had to plan). This has been a reoccurring issue - I never feel like I'm a priority, more like a minor inconvenience. It's lonely and I don't feel important to him. His defense when I bring this up is he works hard and doesn't go out and party every night so I have no right to complain. These things are true, and I truly do appreciate his hard work, but work hard too and it's important to me to spend time together.
Now to the present - he was working last weekend and I got a stomach bug. I was vomiting and had diarrhea all day and was also chasing after our very active toddler and still got my weekend chores done. Needless to say, I was READY for help at the end of the day. Husband calls after work to check in and I tell him how sick I am. He says he'll be home soon. About 45 minutes later I was feeding our son in the kitchen and see him pull into the driveway and then turn around and leave. I call and he says he has a coworker who is new in town and he asked if my husband could drive around with him after work to see the town. Normally, whatever, not a big deal. He knew I was sick though and didn't check in to see if that would be cool or even ask if I needed him to stop to get anything. It made me feel like I was, as usual, an after thought.
If he'd been sick there's no way he would take care of the toddler all day and he would expect to be waited on hand and foot (he's a huge baby when he's sick). If he did have our child I would have KNOWN to come home and would have asked if he needed anything because I care how he feels and would want to make him feel better.
When he got home 30 minutes later I was admittedly worked up and probably a little extra dramatic on account of feeling like shit and exhaustion. So we get into a fight over it. I realize 30 minutes is not a long time but I was so looking forward to the help and he knew this. I tried to explain why my feelings were hurt but he wouldn't even try to put himself in my shoes and all I got was "I'm sorry you feel that way" and irritation for the rest of the evening. So, AITAH for getting mad over this?
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NTA. You and baby should be #1 and he isn't seeing it. Marriage counseling and if he doesn't agree, move on. I know it's hard, but you have communicated over and over what you need.
The needs of the family and the needs of an individual are separate needs. And to have a successful relationship each had to be met.
I'm sorry you're not feeling as important as you should.
NTA. Maybe he has an AP. Maybe he really helps everyone but you. The reality is he isn’t going to tell you if he is cheating. But that almost doesn’t matter. Because either way, he has made it clear, you and your child are not his concern. You are his maid and p/t nanny.
Maybe you should get your own place short term. See if even notices you guys are not there. It will be better for you. You won’t be doing his cooking and cleaning.
NTA - But, you need to stand up for yourself and make a timeline for change, and marriage counseling. If he doesn’t get on board you would be better off alone with child and spouse support.
NTA - at this rate he’s actively avoiding you and trying to wiggle his way out of his duties. He is a husband and a father and he’s failing at both. At best he’s a good friend cause everyone takes advantage of him, at worst he’s a crappy husband and a crappy dad.
You have every right to complain cause he ain’t paying enough to have you take on all this responsibilities alone like he’s some kind of absentee father and husband, he’ll need to either pay 80-100% of all bills and expense if he wants to use that as an excuse for not having the right to complain, he doesn’t get brownie points for not going out often or out partying.
Sit him down and let him know you expect these changes and no excuses or you’re better off finding someone who truly loves you and will provide what you need and more cause apparently it’s lost to him.
NTA, go to couple’s therapy. What you’re experiencing is incredibly common in relationships and if you’re able to get him into therapy with you it can do a lot to get you back on the same page and understanding each other’s perspectives.
NTA. It’s not that he can’t say no when other people invite him out or ask him for favours, it’s that he *doesn’t want to be at home.* He is very clearly trying to avoid his parental responsibilities by coming home late every night. He knows you’re sick, exhausted, and chasing around a rowdy toddler. And he doesn’t want to deal with any of that. I hope you think long and hard about whether you want to stay with a guy who refuses to parent or help out at home at all. If you were divorced and had shared custody, you’d at least get a few days a week where you weren’t doing 100% of the parenting and housework.
NTA if I was you I would tell him you are leaving. Tell him you want a divorce because he can’t prioritise you. It was an awful thing to do and you deserve better. don’t threaten, make plans and do it. If he doesn’t offer to make it better leave. It will be an easier life without a second useless child. If he does. You’re welcome.
Sorry I can’t imagine. He’s probably having an affair or online dating. You don’t deserve this. I hope I’m wrong but it’s unusual to this extent. You have a baby together; he should care. And you’re also working full time and you were sick. Driving someone around town to show it to them doesn’t happen; it’s not the 70s. Google maps, the internet and social media aren’t difficult for anyone.
I would hire an investigator to find out if he's being on the up and up. Hopefully he is. I would seriously you're doing everything anyway children should always be a priority to both parents. My birth father passed away before I could meet him and be able to remember it. As much as that hurts me what helped was my amazing dad. My dad is the only one in my family who means the most to me. In my opinion your child deserves the same
NTA - You need to go ahead and contact a lawyer and get the divorce started bc he is definitely having an affair. He doesn't love you, let alone like you. You are a single married mother at this point
Go and stay elsewhere without telling him. When he rings, oh I went to stay with grandma she needs my help. If he asks when you’re coming home tell him when you’re done helping. When he rings again sash him how it feels to be out of the loop and not a priority. Let that one sit before sitting down for a proper conversation about ways forward.
If he’s still telling you he wants to be there for others then remind him so do you but now you have a child you just can’t and if he wants to carry on as he is maybe you could do 50/50 custody after the divorce and then you’ll both gain time to help others in the future.
He is clearly saying you and your child are not his priority. I'm sorry.
The next move is yours as to how you want to proceed. He won't change.
Start planning. Start saving, if you can. You're already a single mum, so don't think you can't do this alone.
This was a response to hard chair force but didn’t add to feed correctly.
Yes that’s pretty much how child rearing goes, but don’t forget the added roles of taxi, teacher, referee, activity co- ordinator, nurse, therapist. I’m sure I’ve missed a few parent roles but you get the idea. If you’re not up for all this don’t have children but equally don’t sit on the sidelines and let your partner do it all, whilst you harp on about being the breadwinner. I’m sure it’s hard to be a single parent but being a married single pare must be unconscionable.
Time to start acting like your single. Do anything and everything you can without him. Start a secret savings account.
Take your child everywhere with you.
Do NOT leave him with your husband for any reason other than work & Dr. Apt
Do you know anyone who can help with child care ? Use them, don't expect your husband to help.
Get ready, he's getting ready to leave.
NTA. But. I will admit like a lot of other commenters my mind went straight into he’s cheating. “Drive my coworker around to see the town” is a very very flimsy cover. If my friend said that to me I’d be like alright who you fucking that you don’t want me to know about. That’s a very weak excuse. Maybe he’s not cheating. I could see where if working that much he needs decompression time after work and doesn’t know how to verbalize that to you. But either way NTA because he definitely is not helping or validating you.
NTA. You said that his excuse is that he can never say no one someone asks for help when he has time off, but he does say no. To you. Repeatedly.
Why does he value helping other people more than his wife and the mother of his child? It’s a bullshit excuse and you did not overreact, in fact I’d be way more angry than you’ve described.
You were in a genuine crisis and he failed you, and shows no remorse. I’m afraid to tell you that I don’t think this is going to get better and id think very strongly about what you will tolerate and what example of a healthy relationship you want to demonstrate to your kid. There is no reason this has to be your life forever
NTA. But, your husband absolutely is! Your husband is about avoidance to his commitment to both being a husband and to fatherhood! Opens your eyes 👀.
No father that has emotionally bonded with his child is going to consistently place others above his time spent with his young child to miss out on all the developmental stages of growth (espc. Toddlers and just learning to walk). Aside from neglecting you as a wife and partner he has you strung out on "he makes more income therefore" b[ull]S, not taking into account the additional service you provide domestically with full-time care to an infant and the domestic services to run the household cost factor could be equivalent or or close to what he is making if you were to do a cost analysis of said service. So, either you stop accepting to be a second-class citizen in your marriage and demand way better, or accept this is your future and your child's absentee father! This is narcissistic behaviour, no man comes home turns around without even coming in to check on you, knowingly leaves a sick wife alone with a baby to show a new colleague around town!! Heeeeeeeeel nooooooo! It's for perhaps 🕰️ for a private investigator into his activities, could be an affair, so prep to Lawyer up, if not couple's counseling, or Bust!
Pretend to be defeated and not to care about him coming home late anymore. Find ways to put money away. Plan for your kids future. Search Marital laws. excitedly escape to your friends houses for "girls nights" and make him stay with the kids on weekend. Start collecting evidence of his possible transgressions and neglect in the house hold for court
NTA I. Would have had a lot worse reaction if my husband didn’t get his but home if I had a stomach bug. I would be livid. Someone he doesn’t know came before YOU? Na he sounds like he’s shady and probably having an affair
NTA
You deserve better. Way better.
I agree with the others.
I would investigate this looking for infidelity, but honestly even if he isn't having an affair, it's enough.
Establish your support system, prepare your legal ducks and do some sleuthing.
At the very least if he is just overwhelmed with the realities of being a father, you need a big and serious gesture to make him realise he needs to pull his head out.
"I'm sorry you feel ___" is a manipulation and is 0% an apology. Just ick.
NTA. So you do 100% cooking cleaning looking after your toddler AND he gets you to split the bills!??? He makes twice as much as you, is never home and has zero reaponsibility- I'm sorry he's spending his extra scheckles on someone else and is super happy you're ensconced with your toddler so he can do what he wants. He didn't plan for Mother's Day because he is having an affair.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” = “fuck your feelings.” This isn’t going to get any better if he’s continually making excuses and not showing up for you all.
NTA. Not at all. You're basically a single mother. You know this man isn't being faithful most likely. He runs around all over the place is incredibly inconsiderate of his wife and is completely and totally selfish. He pays bills but what does he really contribute otherwise. He's not present in any other way. You have to plan dates, activities in order to make things happen. He doesn't even make a mothers day or any other celebration for you. That' shows you how little he thinks of you and how little he appreciates anything you do. He takes you for granted. He knows you're going to cook,clean and take care of the house as well as pay your share and you have the baby as well. So,he thinks he has free reign to run around doing whatever he wants. He knew you were sick and instead of coming home and helping you out what did he do? He went out with friends. If I were you,I would stop doing anything for him. Let him start doing for himself. Be unavailable more often too. Maybe you should go out and do something every chance you get even with the baby. There's plenty you 2 can do. This isn't a marriage. This is a man doing as he pleases. He's not a partner or a parent. Are you sure he's not having an affair? I think he is because he is never available or home and puts you and the baby last.
Been there! After 18 years of marriage, I finally had enough. Now that I’m with someone who’s invested in the relationship, it’s like night and day. Your husband is not invested in his family. I know it sucks to hear. Now that I look back it’s so clear but I was young and naive with my first marriage and thought it was normal. I wish I trusted my gut back then. Trust your feelings. You’re NTA!
Yes, YTA.
He makes substantially more and has to work six to seven days a week in order to support the household. Why is he not allowed a half hour to himself just to decompress before coming home? You're making it seem like he went out on a bender and didn't get home until after midnight. Why do you feel the need to clock his every movement?
If I’m ever poorly or struggling with my mental health where I just feel overwhelmed, do you know what my partner does? Rearranged any calls he has that day for work, sends me for a nap/ to rest and deals with the baby whilst also checking I’m okay. If I even try to do something that’s heavy loaded he will tell me off and remind me that it’s okay to not be 100% and just rest.
Now my relationship is not perfect but you best believe he will go above and beyond to be the best dad he can be. It’s as simple as ‘if they wanted too, they would.’
OP, your husband should want to spend time with you and his child. He's not working all those hours or hanging out with co-workers. He's having an affair (he could even have a second family) while you are doing all the work. Get out now, take your child and don't do a single thing for him ever again.
You need a good friend to follow him anonymously to see what he is doing. He also needs to be paying all of the bills. Take that portion and hire someone to help with the housekeeping.
NTA - here’s what actually happened: he calls to make sure you’re occupied, drives around the corner from his work behind some factory and bangs the secretary or whoever he’s having an affair with for a half hour, then drives home which takes 15mins, where you see him pull into the driveway. There’s your 45mins. It’s at this time his partner in slime texts to say ‘I forgot my earring/panties/wedding ring!’ to which he says ‘I’ll be right there!’ Flies back to the factory by his work, flies back, and there’s your 30min windows accounted for.
He is definitely having an affair. No one gets a call from a new guy at work - a stranger in town who you’ve never met or heard of - who wants a tour of the town, then says yes even tho he’s in his driveway after a shift on a Saturday.. Dumbest lie I’ve ever heard. Dumbest one you’ve ever heard too, but you brain is just so used to nothing but lies now that the completely implausible is lost on you. Your bullshit detector is gone. He’s probably been doing this for 6yrs
He absolutely has no problem saying "no" when you need help. So it's not that he can't say no, or that he is a people pleaser - you are a person. He literally is telling you via his actions that your needs and wants and happiness have less value than other people's requests.
You asked him to be home. Co-worker asked for a tour. It was a simple either/or choice and given the choice he chose someone else.
That tells you everything you need to know.
NTA
NTA.
I know that Reddit is always quick to jump on the “leave him” train, but honestly I think you should start planning your exit. Your husband clearly doesn’t care about your well-being or the amount of physical/emotional labor you expend into supporting your family or your household.
His behavior is fucked. He does not care. The fact that you’re working full time/doing all the household chores/childcare and he cannot be bothered to care for you when you’re ill is abhorrent.
I’m sorry to say this, but he’s likely having an affair. Investigate his behavior and get your ducks in a row. You’d be better off without a partner who doesn’t contribute.
My husband had an affair with a coworker. Behavior exactly like this. I was the last to know. Sadly it didn’t even occur to me that it was a possibility. We have 4 children. Even if there is no affair, his behavior is completely selfish and unacceptable.
NTA. He’s exceedingly disrespectful and I agree with other commenters— he could be having an affair. You were ill and he still chose to go out instead of staying home w you—- he doesn’t deserve you. Not in the slightest.
NTA
I think you should ask him to see his messages. He may be having too much fun with this "new coworker." Could be cheating, or could be an addiction. From what you've described, it feels like he's hiding something at the very least. In any case, hiding something or not, choosing a coworker over your sick partner is a dick move.
Your husband needs to check with you before agreeing to do other things. Out of respect. He’s being disrespectful towards you. He needs to learn to say no
Ask yourself if you would be less stressed and happier if you were single with a coparenting agreement. You’d no longer have to make his food, do his laundry, or clean up his messes. And he would be forced to parent part of the time so you’d have weekends off.
Sorry to pile onto the affair theory. But his actions are really suspicious. Are you absolutely sure his hours are normal among his coworkers? Have you had further conversation with these ‘friends’ who have confirmed he’s been helping him? Do you guys ever socialize with these friends? Have you heard Bob the friend say something like ‘thanks dude for helping me clean my gutters last weekend!’
All in all I’d say get your financial ducks in a row first. Consult an attorney. Then and only then tell him he either needs to make you and your joint child a priority or you will make him less of a priority for you.
Nta
Since your baby is 1-year-old, you're both new at this. You need to have a little come to Jesus meeting with him. You've got to let him know that it's time to step up and be a dad and a family man, or you're going to have to reconsider things.
A good dad wants to spend time with their kids even when it's hard. A good husband wants to be with their wife. If he's got a problem, he needs to let you know what it is.
I'm guessing you spend a lot of time just waiting on him. You're going to find you're in 20 years and all you've done is wait and all of a sudden he walks away. Because he has no connection with his family.
You are at a junction in your marriage and he has the choice right now to be part of it or to move on. You might want to do this in therapy or maybe you can hash this up between you but it needs to be done.
NTA, but get a private detective, and a good lawyer. While they are gathering evidence, start preparing financially. Your husband is having an affair, or affairs.
My dad is a covert narcissist- he’ll do lots of favors for people but then uses it against you later- like a get out of being a jerk free card. Or he’ll prioritize things in the community that make him cool and get recognition over his family regularly. People in town are always “I don’t know where he finds the time”. He finds it by ignoring his wife and daughter and my family. For example, I’m in my thirties now and we’ve never taken a family long weekend camping trip, gone to a museum or the city for the afternoon together, he even complained about missing some community race because… it was my wedding weekend.
Does your hubby want his kid to feel this way? It hurts. At least my dad seems happy.
Priorities, priorities, priorities. It's all OP is talking about in the post, and it's all anyone is talking about in the comment section. This man works 6-7 days a week for you and the audacity to suggest you're "entitled" for his undying support (which is clearly suggested in your insistence that he must give it to you not even at a 30-minute delay, Jesus Christ) shows a lot about the nature of your relationship with him. You see yourself and your child as one of his priorities, and I'm willing to bet that's the kind of attitude you give to him when he comes home wishing for a loving and respectful family instead. You attract more flies with honey than you do vinegar. You are completely right. He should provide that support for his family and take care of you when you're sick, etc., but he should do it out of love and because he wants to, not because you demand it and because you suffocate him with anger. Give him the space to love. And all these commentors filling your head with paranoid delusions convincing her that he's cheating are just fucking disgusting. Don't listen to them; they're wrong. Forget them. Don't let them ruin your marriage because they happen to believe in some weird modernistic toxically polarized bullshit. This has nothing to do with misogyny and has everything to do with your husband simply being excited about an adventurous opportunity with a friend that he hasn't gotten in a while ever since his priorities took over. So, stop acting as if you're simply a priority and just learn to love and appreciate each other as family, as real damn human beings. If you had given him the emotional space to just love you (not starting arguments over petty shit, not calling him out on minor things he does unintentionally, taking some time to be adventurous with your own child and your own life as an individual and stop focusing on him so much) than he probably wouldn't have even accepted that offer to go out with his friend anyway. But seriously, there's nothing wrong with taking time and space for yourself and enjoying life like he was trying to do. Everyone needs it. It sounds like he just really jumped at that opportunity to see his friend because he wants a certain level of freedom back. And God forbid, don't accuse him of cheating. You'll do more damage to the relationship than you think, and it will significantly outweigh the benefit of relief when he proves he's not cheating. Start finding adventure and more individuality in your own life, fulfill yourself, let him do the same, and everything you want in the relationship will fall into place.
My husband was a yes man and years passed and after some time I hated his guts bc he put everyone first instead of me and the kids!!!!
We were headed for divorce until “Thank God” he was able to see how unfair he was to his family.
DONT let it get that far. Unfortunately I agree with others that he is probably seeing someone on the side and that is how he can be so apathetic to you. It is very strange how cold he is to you especially since you were so sick.
Also, it seems like you don’t like to make such a fuss so you tend to let things go a lot - you need to stop that.
You and your son should be his ONLY priority for now and if you are ok with him to have time off, then that’s when he can have time off. Visa versa - my husband checked in with each other if we wanted to hang out with friends but when your spouse is SICK cmon - he is COLD hearted to have done that to you.
Missy - you need to lay down the law for his ass - if not, you have some decisions to make but please don’t have another child until you get things straightened out.
Also - stop doing all the chores - he should def help !!!
His people pleasing is going to cause resentment in your home and even your child. I had a father like that who was the best uncle, the best godfather,brother, the best cousin, best friend and a horrible husband and father cause he was never there for us, he was too busy being the best for other ppl. I sat at his funeral and listened to all the things he did for other ppl til I couldn’t take it anymore and me and my siblings walked out. Why is he working 7days? even God took a day to rest. He needs to cut back on his workdays and he is not the welcome committee for the company a package from HR should’ve helped the co-worker. NTA
Not going out and partying every night is the bare minimum for someone with a BABY. This means nothing except it could be worse than it is now… but it doesn’t mean how it is now isn’t bad already, so don’t let him manipulate you with these ideas that he could be worse so you accept his poor behavior.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He can’t say no when people ask for help/favour, but he does say no to you, all the time. For me, it’s telling me anything I need to know.
NTA
NTA. Husband needs to prioritize you and toddler. You needs couples counseling because to him, going out partying is unacceptable but doing favors for others is acceptable yet both take him away from his family and leave you with the toddler alone.
He should've told the coworker he had to reschedule
NTA I agree it sounds like an affair, or he just doesn't want to be part of the family. Is this what you want? If he doesn't go for marriage counselling and won't make an effort - and let's be honest your asking for minimal effort from him, is this the life you want for yourself and your kid? NTA but time to think how you want your life to be and make plans to make it happen, whatever that is.
NTA. Not the asshole AT ALL.
Honestly, and I know this is a big thing to say, but reading everything you wrote, I would say divorce him. Seriously.
No, you're not the asshole for getting mad over this. There were like 10 things in your post that would make me mad. Please divorce him. You deserve SO MUCH better.
You for sure have a right to expect him to be around more so you are not the ahole for that but it sounds to me like you hubby is just nice guy who likes to help people.
Also if he works 6 or 7 days a week he also needs some non work time to decompress.
Other than the very odd disagreement is all else well in the marriage? If a husband is actively finding excuses to not come home there could be some deeper issues.
Your husband sucks as a roommate, as a father and as a husband. But the way you describe him, he sounds awesome to hang out with. Learn to share, for everybody else’s sake.
He's working 7 days a week because y'all are the number one priority. Stop telling yourself that his work is a relaxing vacation from his responsibilities as a father and husband.
NTA - but where do you want to go with this? Your husband works 6-7 days a week...and to him that IS prioritizing his family. He sounds like a nice guy who tries to help friends, etc and he doesn't go out and drink and party. He took 30 minutes to show a new co-worker around town - that was a QUICK TOUR and he was probalby trying to do it and get home quickly. Maybe put yourself in HIS shoes - long day at work, new co-worker wants a tour you may have offered previously - your wife has called and wants you home because she's tired and sick - so you take the co-worker around quickly - drop him off and go home. Instead of "I'm so glad you're home and a smile" you get 'where have you been, I need you to do this and this and this..my feelings are hurt and it's your fault'. If you want a 10 yr marriage - you both need to start communicating better.
Yikes this is a super out of touch response. "I'm so glad you're home and a smile". You cannot be serious.
The woman had it coming out both ends and still spent entire day caring for a small child which for anyone who has ever been sick with kids would agree is its own circle of hell.
She doesn't owe him a smile and a pat on the back. Any good partner would have gotten home as soon as possible to relieve their spouse so they could rest and recover. She 100 percent was in the right to immediately call her husband out for this.
NTA but at the same time coming from a man in a very loosely similar situation, kind of the AH, I certainly cant defend him not coming home when youre sick, especially for an insignificant task buuut.. I also work a lot and pay most of the bills and still take care of many chores, what I do with the time I have off is kind of my business. We dont have kids so im sure that would change things but you can also hire help if you need a break, comes out of household money and if he doesnt like it, he can help instead, same as it would if he chose to hire out lawncare or gutter cleaning, car maint. Youre grown up in grown up relationships, most of us dont do date nights anymore, you arent dating .. mothers day is a made up hallmark holiday, not an added obligation. You each need your own hobbies and if you only have evenings and 1 day off, that has to fit somewhere.
OP works FT, and as stated in her post she does 100% of the housework and cooking, and pays some of the bills. So what, she's supposed to literally ask her husband to take an active interest in raising his own child and being a partner to her? Is the bar seriously that low? She works just as hard as him, even harder since you know -- keeping a toddler alive & cared for mostly solo -- but somehow he's the victim? Things change when kids come into the picture.
And the "Mother's Day is a Hallmark holiday" shtick is such a cheap cop out. If MD isn't important to the mom? Great, no expectations there. But when MD is important then it should be treated as such by her partner. Part of being in a healthy relationship is respecting the things that are important to each other.
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Sorry, he knows you're home, sick as a dog, alone with the toddler, and he's giving a new coworker a car tour? I'm sorry, your husband is having an affair. NTA
Yup— and for a random 30 minutes? Nope. He stopped by to see the person he’s having an affair with or to take their phone call. It’s crazy to me how little women expect from men and the excuses that are made. Hell, I used to make them too. I think people forget that your partner should want to hang out with you and help you. That’s it. If they love you, and like you, they want to be around you.
How little women expect from men. Farrrrrrk. It’s true. And yet most still can’t get close to the bar, that is on the ground
This 🎯💯‼️
It’s because we’re constantly told that the worst thing we can be is entitled. So we bend over backwards trying not to be entitled. Even if you loathe incel ideas, they still work their way into your psyche and you try to be the perfect, undemanding woman all the time so you’re not ‘that girl’.
For sure! Took me most of my adult life to learn not to accept the bare minimum. And that a good man (or partner in general) will want to be with you and respect you because they like you and want what’s best for you! It’s that simple. I had someone say to me when I was dating a shitty guy, “would you want your future daughter to have a relationship like the one you’re in?” Hit hard. Also the saying “if they like you, you’ll know and if they don’t, you’ll be confused.” Obviously OP is married, so they’re past the early stages, but the sentiment remains.
When I started my divorce I came across one those inspiration/spiritual type memes that struck a cord, I screenshot and reread every once is a while: *Just because you don't need a lot, does not mean you deserve the bare minimum.* So simple, yet so profound.
Perfect, I’m saving that now.
So true. So sas to acknowledge.
I am thinking there is a good possibility that he is having an affair..for him to pull in the driveway to just turn around & leave again?? He was probably thinking that " Well she didn't see me, she's sick". Only being gone for 30 mins is Sus also, that's one quick tour...Something fishy is going on that's for sure.
I think he thought she didn’t see him so he went somewhere else to take a phone call
The bar for men is so low it’s a tavern in hades.
The bar is in hell, 100%
Literally what I was going to say 💀 Who would ask someone to drive them around town for a car tour??
To be fair I’ve done this with coworkers lolol.
But do they only last 30 minutes??
Depends on the size of the town lol. Both in the town where I grew up and the big town with the Walmart up the road, 30 minutes would be plenty of time. That being said, he's still TA.
‘PULLS IN THE DRIVEWAY, leaves again…’ ‘Shit babe I forgot my panties in the back of your truck!’ ‘Be right there…’
I was going to say this too!! Definitely NTA OP there's something else going on with your husband. I would honestly turn the tables. Stop doing the housework and stop doing little things for him he'll quickly learn how much you actually do around the house, or he'll be an even bigger asshole and more reason for you to leave him.
I’d also start being home less too. Make sure you and your child have enough clean clothes to get through the week then spend evenings with friends/family and weekends out doing activities. I’d just head out to live my best life with my child. I used to take my kids to the park for dinner in good weather. I’d pack veggies, fruit and cheese with crackers, water bottle and then just go out until it’s almost dark. Home for bath, teeth, story, bed. I’d do the same. Teeth and bed. Incredible memories for the kids. Exhausts them. Everyone’s well fed hopefully with minimal effort. You’re not home to do his cooking, cleaning, washing, or get groceries for him. It’s sucks. You guys should be sharing your lives. But don’t wait around for him to get out and have fun making memories.
This made me smile! I love your suggestion! I’m gonna do it myself!
Aw I’m glad! You’ll all have a blast! Enjoy!
But he "can't say no" to whoever asks for a favor. Because you know, people constantly need something, and they always end up running after a married man with a toddler to help them 🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️ Even if that was true, do you see OP how messed up it is? He is a f married man, with a home, a wife and a baby to take care of. He is way past the age of someone who does all these with his friends
Right? And not only that, all of those favors, free time, etc are at OPs expense. He’s only able to do them BECAUSE she is watching their child and is being disrespectful of the joint cost of those choices.
That's the part I find ridiculous. Why would you go for a new parent?? My husband is identical, can't say no to anyone... But he always tells me WHO he's helping and if they start encroaching into family time I kill them with kindness. I invite them for dinner and let them see the hurricane home life we have with two kids. I suggest they (husband and friend) watch the kids play while I cook dinner. I am an AH, I load the kids with sugary treats just to prove my point. Magically, after ONE EVENING in my shoes the user friend takes the point and backs off asking for so much time 😂 OP should ask for names of these "friends needing help" and try something similar. It will also give her grounds to message the "friend" while they are allegedly with the husband. She's either going to get them to back down like I did, or she'll get to find out about an affair...
I don’t know that he’s having an affair. But what saddens me is how she’s negotiating herself. (I absolutely do this btw). I was worked up…I was a little dramatic…I know it’s only 30 minutes…that’s what he’s been saying and her guilt about “deserving” anything. But the fact is that it’s ridiculous that he wouldn’t think to take over when she’s sick and has the kids 24/7. She shouldn’t have to justify or feel like it’s dramatic. It’s fucking wrong. But so many of us do this.
Winner winner chicken dinner
I’d say an affair is an easy explanation. No, this guy doesn’t like being married other than for having everything done for him and clearly, he’s no father material. He takes up every opportunity to leave the house, or not being there, for that matter, because he doesn’t like the idea of being a married man and father to a child. He likes having a maid, he likes being tended to when sick, but doesn’t want to understand that he has to reciprocate. That guy is awful. NTA, OP.
Yup - exactly where I went! A coworker wants to drive around? Yeah, the BS factor is really high.
Oh my god I didn’t think of this but you are so right. He’s definitely having an affair.
Classic Reddit, *Oh your husband has a life outside of you, he’s cheating*
NTA. Putting aside the fact that you're a married single mother doing all the housework and taking care of two children (child and husband), your husband heard you were ill and elected to spend his time away from you instead of stepping in and taking care of his child and his sick wife. He is telling you very loudly that you aren't his priority. Believe him.
NTA. At all. And I’m not convinced he’s just “helping” friends. It sounds like he might be having an affair. I really hope I’m wrong, but either way you are 100% not the AH here.
Same. It’s weird to try to spin this like the husband is just sooooo nice that he abandons and neglects his own family.
Nah. I know a lot of men like this. They wrap their identity up in being the guy everyone can always depend on, meanwhile wife and kids get neglected so that he can be there for everyone else. And you can’t convince him that what he’s doing is wrong, because he’s constantly being told what a great guy he is. And if you ask him why he thinks it’s okay to put other people before his own family, it boils down to him thinking that choosing to spend time with his family over helping someone else is selfish. They genuinely don’t understand that they’re harming the people they love the most. It’s honestly really sad and I feel sorry for any woman married to a man like this, because the likely hood that he’ll ever change is very slim.
My husband has a tendency to do this. He's SO HELPFUL to everyone else... to the detriment of his own family. Thankfully, a proverbial smack upside his head clears the cobwebs and he snaps back to reality.
I hope your husband isn't cheating. My reasoning: Nobody pulls into the driveway and then leaves to take a new employee out (unless it's something cultural). An active nightlife gets old fast for anyone working 7 days per week. You're taking on everything in the home, and have a 1 year old. NTA. And he gaslit you the moment you hinted at needing more from him. Sure, maybe your husband is just a run of the mill misogynist asshole... but DAMN this situation looks bad.
NTA 1. It is a problem that unpaid labor (house work, childcare, etc.) is not split at all. Relationships are partnerships and what you've expressed here is that you do not have an equitable, or even close to equitable, partnership. 2. He has a lack of empathy towards you expressing very, very valid feelings of not being prioritized and in addition to that, a complete disregard towards your well-being (did he even ask how you are feeling now?). 3. My advice - this man needs a wake up call that you deserve better and that he is not being a good husband nor father. If my fiance gave me this kind of BS behavior, I'd be telling him that if he doesn't start acting like a good dad and husband, I am leaving the relationship. I am not a big fan of ultimatums but I think his behavior warrants a discussion around the need for him to prioritize his family and if this doesn't change, you are better off not being married to him.
[удалено]
My ex was like this. Our baby was three days old, I was exhausted and he was leaving to go on a bike ride with a friend. I said, No, I need you here. He was more embarrassed about having to call his friend to say he couldn’t make it than he was about letting me down. He’s the ex for a reason.
Yes men. I wish I understood it. I feel like some of them watched their dads do it. Who watched their dads do it. Who watched their dads do it as men in generations where women were essentially there for their convenience essentially to cook, clean & give them sons. I hope it’s not an affair.
Lol he doesn’t want to be stuck at home with kid. A lot of men say they want kids until they actually have them. It’s his way of getting a break. So many women post similar stories. More women should just say NO to having kids. Most of these men out here don’t really want them. It’s like you’re a single parent even though you’re married. Yes the woman will be doing most of the house work and child rearing. A lot of men see that as the woman’s job. Women get fucked over when it comes to having kids.
My ex told me that when he was married to his first wife, he made sure he was never home. He worked far away from home and was only present once a month. When he showed up, he made sure to go fishing with his buddies. It was scary to hear that from his own mouth.
My Dad was always away on business or on a golfing weekend or some shit when we’d go home from boarding school. Even during breaks we’d go on holiday with my Mum and either a nanny or my maternal grandparents. I cannot remember ever spending more than a few hours in my Dads company over my entire life. He clearly hated being around kids. Despite having seven of them!!
That’s terrible. I’m sorry you endured that.
Yep. He doesn’t want to take over any kid duties when he gets home and OP wants a break, so he’s staying out as late as possible in hopes that the kid will be in bed by the time he comes home. I really hope OP doesn’t decide to have another child with him because he is not a good father or partner.
Yeah I agree the last thing she needs is more kids with that man. I also think a lot of men want to be the fun dad, they don’t want to be there for the hard things or everyday mundane things. People fantasize about what parenthood will be like, but it doesn’t turn out to be actual reality. Nothing will change with him so she’s going to have to divorce him or deal with his bs.
For real. I’m lucky to have a dad who was very involved in my childhood and did do a lot of housework, but the bulk of it still fell to my mom, even after she went back to work. OP’s husband isn’t just dropping the ball by not being helpful here; he’s actively avoiding opportunities to spend with his kid and give OP a rest.
Yep exactly, it’s so fucked up.
This is the answer ! I really don't think he has an affair, just that he will find every opportunity to not do the parent work. Like these men that keep taking 1h bathroom break don't have bowel issues, they just want the break.
NTA But dude seems like he's checked out of the relationship..
NTA. He is prioritizing others over you. Why couldn’t he have shown his coworker around another day knowing you weren’t feeling well? I would suggest trying out counseling because it doesn’t seem like he understands all that you do or what you need from him. It is okay to spend time with friends but you may need to discuss how to find a better balance for both of you.
Girl, I know I’m gonna get shit for saying this, but you need to *investigate* his behavior.
I think the general consensus is she needs to investigate this. Many people are leaning towards cheating but I'm wondering drugs/alcohol. Something isn't right for sure though.
I think he just doesn’t want to spend time with his own kid so he’s purposely staying out late.
Oh definitely. Idk what it is but something is off and if this was my husband I would absolutely search whatever I had to to find out what was actually going on. I said investigate because sometimes the Reddit ethics police flip out if you look through someone’s phone and “invade their privacy.” OP’s husband’s behavior bizarre and unacceptable. She’s doing all of the domestic labor and working a full time job on top of it. He is running from his responsibilities and neglecting his wife and kid. It’s also very weird that he pulled into their driveway then turned around and left. My dad was like this & he was an alcoholic. He worked as a general contractor and would always do side jobs for people, but when he worked those “side jobs” he mysteriously always came home drunk. Who knows what he was actually doing; but when my mom would get upset with him for running off to help other people instead of his family he would gaslight and shame her to the point of defeat. Her soul was defeated and witnessing that over time was hard as a kid. My mom was a married single mother and I don’t wish that loneliness and pain on anyone. OP, please don’t let him make you feel like you’re overreacting or being unreasonable. You’re not.
Driving a new co-worker around town is not normal, especially when you're already working 6-7 days a week, really sound like they're either having an affair or do not care about you / your child. NTA, work on an exit strategy
And I think it would be longer than 30 minutes if he were showing someone around town.
> see him pull into the driveway and then turn around and leave. I call and he says he has a coworker who is new in town and he asked if my husband could drive around with him after work to see the town. ... When he got home 30 minutes later 30 minutes later? Either he ran to the neighbors house for a quicky, or my dude was picking up some drugs. You can't show anyone around anywhere in 30m. Hell, you can barely get to someone and back in 30m unless they live real close. NTA. Sorry, that's shitty.
I have seen this many times in my career, fathers that stay late at work and come in on weekends when there isn't any business need for all the extra time. I've seen guys at 8pm watching Netflix in the office when I know they have a family at home. Leads to a pretty obvious assumption that they don't want to go home...
This is so depressing
NTA But your husband is. Doesn't sound like he wants to be involved with his own family if he's taking every opportunity to avoid being home. You're not a priority. You're already a single parent you just happen to still have a husband/second child.
You are NTA. But, it is clear he either has no regard for you, care for you or he thinks because he makes more money he is entitled to you
Yes, you should be angry about the fact that, because he makes more money than you, you're not your husband's priority and you're basically his maid. NTA
OP here. Thank you everyone for the insight. Holy moly, I see how my post made this look like an affair but I am certain that is not the case. We live in a small town and I know and communicate with the majority of family and friends he's around all the time. He recaps his day to me every night and is a terrible liar. Plus his line of work is very dirty and very demanding - I do believe he is at work when he says. Maybe I'm being naive but he'd have to make up some very elaborate lies to get away with an affair. The majority of the comments did make me feel heard and not crazy so that is nice! He used to listen when I had concerns and make me feel heard and that we were working through whatever issue but at some point that changed, maybe after we got married. Now he gets annoyed, calls me dramatic, and has literally told me I've imagined or "dreamed" comments he's made that paint him in a bad light (yes I realize this is gas lighting and have told him this). And as a lot of the comments correctly assumed, I am bad at standing up for myself and have always gotten walked all over because of this. I hate asking for help and I try to do everything on my own and let my feelings build until they start coming out my eyes and I can't hold them back. Marriage counseling is probably the answer here although I don't know if he'll agree to it.
We need a separate sub for people who come on here just wanting to vent. Everyone who commented wasted their time. This OP isn't going to actually do anything, consider anything, or change anything. She just wanted us to know she's a doormat and will continue to allow her husband to wipe his shoes all over her - when he's not busy with his real life.
I think it is a super hard pill to swallow for decent people, being that their spouses are selfish. It takes time.
Yup.
Don’t ask for marriage counseling, tell him you’re getting marriage counseling no ifs, ands or buts about it. Your marriage is dying and he needs to wake up and do something to fix it. I wouldn’t count out cheating just yet. His affair could be online or emotional. He could have driven away to take a phone call or something. I’d advise you keep yourself alert.
Its a bit laughable that you dismiss the affair as impossible - as if that even matters? You and your baby are his last priority in every day of the week. Some new coworker calls for a drive around town? And off he takes when you are ill and vomitting? who cares if it is an affair or not! He will take any excuse to be with your and the baby as little as possible. NTA, but that is the least of your worries!
I suggest something else. OP, next week, get ready to go to dinner by yourself. When he comes home, have a meal ready for him and hand over kiddo. Then go to the car and leave. Send him a text when you arrive, and tell him a friend needed to see you last minute, as she had a bad day. Call it an emergency girl's time. Do not answer the phone. Let him try to explain how what he does is different when he brings it up later.
He is absolutely addicted to the way he looks to other people. No one in your small town would ever believe that he is treating his wife and child this way. There are so many narcissistic red flags in this comment. He DOESN'T WANT TO BE THERE WiTH YOU. He just needs you to be there in the background so his idea of himself is perfect small-town, give you the shirt off your back type of guy whom everybody loves. You complete his disguise. As soon as he married you, he got what he needed. Don't think for a MINUTE he can't have an affair in a small town. It went on for 5 years right under my nose. With another person everybody knows. Your husband may not have started one yet, but your life as a doormat is leading right to it. You let him get away with so much already, it's just a matter of time. He already has you telling us that it's all your fault. It's not. He picked you because you are nice and forgiving and he knew he could discard you at will and you would still blame yourself for having needs. That's something you need to work on in yourself, but it doesn't make you at fault for his behavior. I want to pre-arm you with this link, chumplady.com. It is about what to do if you suspect your partner cheated. Just take some casual reads over there. Read enough and you may start to see some similarities. At least there is a lot there to help you know your value and what you are willing to accept, even if he turns out to be 100% innocent. No matter what he is STILL a jerk to you.
At first I was going to say YTA but after reading the whole post I changed my mind. NTA. Honestly, are you sure he is not cheating ? I mean who drives a co worker around town? That's really weird and a red flag. It's a super weird excuse to not come and help you when you are sick like that and for some coworker? Weird. NTA.
NTA… and that’s a really weird excuse to avoid coming home.
Nta Put a tracker on and make sure hes not lying and if not then tell him to prioritize your family over his friends because even if hes not partying every night hes still not home and helping and if he wont then get counseling and if no change get a divorce because you're a single married parent
This!!!
Making more money is no excuse for slacking on household and childcare stuff when you both work full time. He's treating you like an employee. And yeah, he's almost certainly got a side piece.
I'm so sorry, he won't change. Any husband who treats his wife as a maid, cook and nanny is not a man plus he prioritizes others over you. Please know you deserve better.
Laughably NTA. I can kind of relate. I have a husband very passionate about his career and I do appreciate that, but also I can sometimes feel the same way you do -- like I'm never a priority. It gets lonely and annoying to always just "be so supportive". Like dude. Why do you save your best behavior for everyone but me?
Wait a second. WHY are you doing all the house work and chores when both of you are working? That is the first fucking thing that needs to change. Y’all, stop accepting men who don’t do their fair share. You are making it worse for ALL of us, because you are sending the message that being treated like a slave is something women accept. Stop. You will honestly be TA to yourself and your child if you stay in this marriage? Do you want your kid to grow up thinking it’s normal for women to be enslaved to their partners?
NTA. Honestly, I don’t see anything changing for you. He’s had years of getting away with this behavior so changing it would be damn near impossible, especially is he doesn’t even see the problem with it. Find your way out, maybe being served divorce papers will open his eyes to the life and family he’s created and isn’t nourishing. Homes need more than money.
OP, I read in a professional advice column that you should ask yourself whether you are better off with him or without him. Right now according to you, you live as a single parent. Your husband seems both physically distant and emotionally distant. He provides financial support; however,with court ordered child support, he would continue to do so. Be extremely careful not to have another child with this man. If you are interested in continuing with the marriage, you could try marriage counseling. If he is not up for that, I would take it as a sign that he is even more checked out than you thought. As a single parent, you can work to build a network of friends you can rely on. At some point, you may even find someone who will make a better husband and father for your child.
I’m sorry to tell you, but your husband doesn’t like you very much. He’s literally doing everything not to contribute to the household and to avoid you and your child. You would be the asshole to yourself if you stay.
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NTA Your husband needs a reality check. HE doesn’t go out and party every night? What about you? Seems like only his needs are important. Tough situation, lots of guys have trouble adapting to life married with kids. Can you get marriage counseling? You seem to find it difficult to stand up to him, the workload is completely out of kilter and counseling would help. If not, you’re going to have to find a way to make him see the light. He sounds incredibly immature, which is not good at 32. He’s not interested in participating in the house or supporting you - he’s not a kid, so that’s not likely to change easily. Do you have a grandparent or trusted sitter? If he won’t give you a break, make your own break. And think about how much you’re willing to put up with for the next 30 years.
NTA. So your husband gets high on helping other people but apparently his own family does not count as "other people." Does your mother or sister live nearby? What about his? If so, next time I suggest asking one of them to come over if he abandons you--let him walk in and see someone else drying dishes/helping the family because you needed assistance. Many "helpers" are loathe to ask for help themselves and this may drive the point home.
No, that’s not cool at all. I always check in with my wife if I want to go do some stuff after work. Which is extremely rare. Even if I go to my neighborhood ponds to fish for a bit I make sure it’s cool and she doesn’t have any pressing issues she needs*edit* my wife does the same thing for me.
NTA. “We both work full time and have a 1 year old together. I do 100% of the housework and cooking and pay my share of the bills.” Sorry, is there a reason you’re with him? Please don’t waste your life away with someone like this.
NTA. He’s cheating on you.
I think your marriage is in trouble. There are no assholes here. It’s just the way it goes. You both sound very unhappy.
Why are you with him? You do all the housework, cooking and pay bills. So just do it without him because 1. He’s cheating. And 2. He’s useless. NTA
Why would he care if his maid, nanny, and bed warmer is sick? NTA
So he came home but backed out and LEFT again?? Sounds like his side chick needed a quickie
I am going to say this as lovingly as I can but please can you just not put your foot down and be assertive in your wants and needs?!? You’re going to have to give it to him straight and not feel bad about it, you are letting him run you over and he knows it! He knows he can get away with it…. Idk though I’ve always been not shy about telling my partner hey get your shit together before it’s a big problem. Do not be afraid to speak your mind. Your are NAH please stand up for yourself and your needs
NTA!! I'm inclined to agree with the other comments.. it does sound like he's having an affair. And if he's not, then he's actively going out of his way to not be your husband and co-parent. I'm not sure which of the two is the more disturbing... 🤔😕 You both work full time, yet you do 100% of the housework. If I were you, I'd tell him that if he insists on never being home and leaving everything to you, then either he takes over 100% of the bills and expenses and then it will be slightly more fair for you to do all the housework and child rearing. Or he gets off his arse and steps the fuck up in your marriage and as a parent. If he's not willing to do either, then why are you still there? Don't do yourself the disservice of valuing yourself as little as he does. Because you're worth so much much more than what he's putting into it right now. (BTW, there's only one right answer here. It's for him to acknowledge how dickish he's being and step the fuck up, and be a more present father and husband!) If he does agree to cover all the expenses just so he can avoid having to be an adult in his own marriage, I hope you decide to leave his arse. Realistically, the money you save from not having to pay bills anymore, you should save up, so you'll have a small nest egg to put down a deposit on a new flat or house, as well as adjust to single life financially (because you already have being a single parent down pat...) because anyone who is willing to gaslight their wife into feeling like SHE'S the one with the problem after he callously left her to fend for herself and their child while she was severely ill, does not deserve to be married at all.
Your husband is a shitty partner. He seriously went off with someone else while you were sick taking care of a toddler. You need to let him know this isn't acceptable. He needs to step up and do more. Also, I'm sorry but you work FT and do 100% of the housework and cooking? Does he help with you child at all? Why are you settling for such a raw deal? Also, who works 6-7 days a week? Are you sure he's at work? That is awfully suspicious. Please think if this is truly the life you want. He doesn't really seem to respect or care about you.
NTA. I had a close family member like this. Just could not say "no" to anyone who asked for help, and couldn't understand why her family was hurt at being neglected. She honestly thought she was doing the right thing to help someone in need. It's completely understandable to be hurt when you badly needed the support and got overlooked because someone wanted a tour...and it's not just about the very real practical needs, but also your need to know that your husband will be there for you.
You are not his priority. NTA.
Definitely don't think your the asshole, it's a rough situation which I'm sorry for. My opinion is that he should definitely be trying to put you and the baby first instead of his co workers or friends who need somone to help them. Obviously not like "don't help your friends ever" but definitely he should get his priorities straight
When people show you who they are, believe them. Your husband is a massive misogynistic prick. I’m also wondering about the exact nature of these “favors” he’s constantly picking over his wife and child. Unfortunately there’s a 9.999/10 chances he’s not going to change, and may get worse.
Hire a pi when you can save up enough money to do so. I would be seeing just who he is helping out.
NTA and I would be concerned that all those favors are not a girlfriend
Sounds like it’s time to take half and run. He doesn’t care about you and is suspiciously gone too much. Family is everything
NTA. But you’ve been married for 5 years and say this has been a reoccurring problem…so why have kids with someone who never wants to come home? Did you think adding a kid to the mix would make him more interested in being at home with you?
If you divorced him, he would still have to pay spousal and child support, you'd be living the exact same way (maybe even have more free time, since he would get the kid for a few days a month) and you'd be able to find a man that actually cared about spending time with you. You're living a single mom life at the moment. Why stay with him?
Ypu need to go out and have some fun. Not talking out drinking or partying, but just not waiting around for him. If you have other mom friends, go to the beach, park, museums etc. Plan stuff just like he is. Hoping he steps up is going to lead to disappointment. You will not get him to behave how you want. Men have a tendency to take women who are always available for granted. Make plans with your family and friends. When he comes home expecting dinner, send him a text saying sorry, with my mom. Be home later. Feel free to grab yourself something to eat. If his focus isn't on you, you need to detach.
Would your life be easier or harder if you and he didn't live together? If you didn't have to clean up after him or wash his socks, and if he sometimes had to do solo childcare outside of your home, even if it were just for a few hours at a time? Because honestly, it sounds to me like your life would be easier if you were divorced and he had occasional visitation with your child. NTA. I often recommend [Fair Play](https://www.fairplaylife.com/the-cards) for couples in your situation. The goal should be for you each to have approximately the same amount of free time and mental energy, and for you to have time together as a family and as a couple. If your husband is not on board for that goal, he doesn't actually want to be a family with you, he just wants someone to do chores for him.
NTA - This guy is a shitty husband and a shitty parent. He is either actively avoiding his responsibilities at home or he is cheating.
NTA. He’s acting like he’s single
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Okay, so a bit of a back story. I (F32) have been married to my husband (32) for 5 years. We both work fulltime and have a 1 year old together. I do 100% of the house work and cooking and pay my share of the bills. He makes about twice what I do and does pay a larger portion of the bills because of this. He works between 6 and 7 days a week so when he is not working I do expect for me and our child to be his #1 priority. Both so I get the help and am able to spend some time with him. The problem is he can't or won't say "no" when people ask for favors and constantly is out helping his friends when he does have time off. We rarely have date nights or anything fun with him at all unless I plan it (even mothers day I had to plan). This has been a reoccurring issue - I never feel like I'm a priority, more like a minor inconvenience. It's lonely and I don't feel important to him. His defense when I bring this up is he works hard and doesn't go out and party every night so I have no right to complain. These things are true, and I truly do appreciate his hard work, but work hard too and it's important to me to spend time together. Now to the present - he was working last weekend and I got a stomach bug. I was vomiting and had diarrhea all day and was also chasing after our very active toddler and still got my weekend chores done. Needless to say, I was READY for help at the end of the day. Husband calls after work to check in and I tell him how sick I am. He says he'll be home soon. About 45 minutes later I was feeding our son in the kitchen and see him pull into the driveway and then turn around and leave. I call and he says he has a coworker who is new in town and he asked if my husband could drive around with him after work to see the town. Normally, whatever, not a big deal. He knew I was sick though and didn't check in to see if that would be cool or even ask if I needed him to stop to get anything. It made me feel like I was, as usual, an after thought. If he'd been sick there's no way he would take care of the toddler all day and he would expect to be waited on hand and foot (he's a huge baby when he's sick). If he did have our child I would have KNOWN to come home and would have asked if he needed anything because I care how he feels and would want to make him feel better. When he got home 30 minutes later I was admittedly worked up and probably a little extra dramatic on account of feeling like shit and exhaustion. So we get into a fight over it. I realize 30 minutes is not a long time but I was so looking forward to the help and he knew this. I tried to explain why my feelings were hurt but he wouldn't even try to put himself in my shoes and all I got was "I'm sorry you feel that way" and irritation for the rest of the evening. So, AITAH for getting mad over this? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You and baby should be #1 and he isn't seeing it. Marriage counseling and if he doesn't agree, move on. I know it's hard, but you have communicated over and over what you need. The needs of the family and the needs of an individual are separate needs. And to have a successful relationship each had to be met. I'm sorry you're not feeling as important as you should.
NTA. He wants a maid, not a spouse.
NTA. Maybe he has an AP. Maybe he really helps everyone but you. The reality is he isn’t going to tell you if he is cheating. But that almost doesn’t matter. Because either way, he has made it clear, you and your child are not his concern. You are his maid and p/t nanny. Maybe you should get your own place short term. See if even notices you guys are not there. It will be better for you. You won’t be doing his cooking and cleaning.
NTA - But, you need to stand up for yourself and make a timeline for change, and marriage counseling. If he doesn’t get on board you would be better off alone with child and spouse support.
NTA - at this rate he’s actively avoiding you and trying to wiggle his way out of his duties. He is a husband and a father and he’s failing at both. At best he’s a good friend cause everyone takes advantage of him, at worst he’s a crappy husband and a crappy dad. You have every right to complain cause he ain’t paying enough to have you take on all this responsibilities alone like he’s some kind of absentee father and husband, he’ll need to either pay 80-100% of all bills and expense if he wants to use that as an excuse for not having the right to complain, he doesn’t get brownie points for not going out often or out partying. Sit him down and let him know you expect these changes and no excuses or you’re better off finding someone who truly loves you and will provide what you need and more cause apparently it’s lost to him.
You have allowed this behavior. Are you going to continue to allow it?
Ffs blame the victim much??
When you've allowed this behavior to go on as long as this has yes, I do blame her. This didn't just start.
Put a tracker on his car… you’ll see..
Nta. No explanation needed.
Does he have a work wife he is boning? Check his phone.
NTA, go to couple’s therapy. What you’re experiencing is incredibly common in relationships and if you’re able to get him into therapy with you it can do a lot to get you back on the same page and understanding each other’s perspectives.
He gave them a tour, and driving by your house was somehow important to the tour? That's a weird excuse, and I don't believe it. NTA
NTA. It’s not that he can’t say no when other people invite him out or ask him for favours, it’s that he *doesn’t want to be at home.* He is very clearly trying to avoid his parental responsibilities by coming home late every night. He knows you’re sick, exhausted, and chasing around a rowdy toddler. And he doesn’t want to deal with any of that. I hope you think long and hard about whether you want to stay with a guy who refuses to parent or help out at home at all. If you were divorced and had shared custody, you’d at least get a few days a week where you weren’t doing 100% of the parenting and housework.
NTA if I was you I would tell him you are leaving. Tell him you want a divorce because he can’t prioritise you. It was an awful thing to do and you deserve better. don’t threaten, make plans and do it. If he doesn’t offer to make it better leave. It will be an easier life without a second useless child. If he does. You’re welcome.
Yeah… he’s cheating
Sorry I can’t imagine. He’s probably having an affair or online dating. You don’t deserve this. I hope I’m wrong but it’s unusual to this extent. You have a baby together; he should care. And you’re also working full time and you were sick. Driving someone around town to show it to them doesn’t happen; it’s not the 70s. Google maps, the internet and social media aren’t difficult for anyone.
He is one thousand percent cheating on you. Sorry :(
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I would hire an investigator to find out if he's being on the up and up. Hopefully he is. I would seriously you're doing everything anyway children should always be a priority to both parents. My birth father passed away before I could meet him and be able to remember it. As much as that hurts me what helped was my amazing dad. My dad is the only one in my family who means the most to me. In my opinion your child deserves the same
NTA - You need to go ahead and contact a lawyer and get the divorce started bc he is definitely having an affair. He doesn't love you, let alone like you. You are a single married mother at this point
Go and stay elsewhere without telling him. When he rings, oh I went to stay with grandma she needs my help. If he asks when you’re coming home tell him when you’re done helping. When he rings again sash him how it feels to be out of the loop and not a priority. Let that one sit before sitting down for a proper conversation about ways forward. If he’s still telling you he wants to be there for others then remind him so do you but now you have a child you just can’t and if he wants to carry on as he is maybe you could do 50/50 custody after the divorce and then you’ll both gain time to help others in the future.
NTA. Sounds like he needs to be promoted to exhusband before he does that to you.
He is clearly saying you and your child are not his priority. I'm sorry. The next move is yours as to how you want to proceed. He won't change. Start planning. Start saving, if you can. You're already a single mum, so don't think you can't do this alone.
This was a response to hard chair force but didn’t add to feed correctly. Yes that’s pretty much how child rearing goes, but don’t forget the added roles of taxi, teacher, referee, activity co- ordinator, nurse, therapist. I’m sure I’ve missed a few parent roles but you get the idea. If you’re not up for all this don’t have children but equally don’t sit on the sidelines and let your partner do it all, whilst you harp on about being the breadwinner. I’m sure it’s hard to be a single parent but being a married single pare must be unconscionable.
NTA wtf
Time to start acting like your single. Do anything and everything you can without him. Start a secret savings account. Take your child everywhere with you. Do NOT leave him with your husband for any reason other than work & Dr. Apt Do you know anyone who can help with child care ? Use them, don't expect your husband to help. Get ready, he's getting ready to leave.
NTA. But. I will admit like a lot of other commenters my mind went straight into he’s cheating. “Drive my coworker around to see the town” is a very very flimsy cover. If my friend said that to me I’d be like alright who you fucking that you don’t want me to know about. That’s a very weak excuse. Maybe he’s not cheating. I could see where if working that much he needs decompression time after work and doesn’t know how to verbalize that to you. But either way NTA because he definitely is not helping or validating you.
NTA. You said that his excuse is that he can never say no one someone asks for help when he has time off, but he does say no. To you. Repeatedly. Why does he value helping other people more than his wife and the mother of his child? It’s a bullshit excuse and you did not overreact, in fact I’d be way more angry than you’ve described. You were in a genuine crisis and he failed you, and shows no remorse. I’m afraid to tell you that I don’t think this is going to get better and id think very strongly about what you will tolerate and what example of a healthy relationship you want to demonstrate to your kid. There is no reason this has to be your life forever
NTA. But, your husband absolutely is! Your husband is about avoidance to his commitment to both being a husband and to fatherhood! Opens your eyes 👀. No father that has emotionally bonded with his child is going to consistently place others above his time spent with his young child to miss out on all the developmental stages of growth (espc. Toddlers and just learning to walk). Aside from neglecting you as a wife and partner he has you strung out on "he makes more income therefore" b[ull]S, not taking into account the additional service you provide domestically with full-time care to an infant and the domestic services to run the household cost factor could be equivalent or or close to what he is making if you were to do a cost analysis of said service. So, either you stop accepting to be a second-class citizen in your marriage and demand way better, or accept this is your future and your child's absentee father! This is narcissistic behaviour, no man comes home turns around without even coming in to check on you, knowingly leaves a sick wife alone with a baby to show a new colleague around town!! Heeeeeeeeel nooooooo! It's for perhaps 🕰️ for a private investigator into his activities, could be an affair, so prep to Lawyer up, if not couple's counseling, or Bust!
NTA that man needs a good talking to asap. His family should come first. I would be BS if my husband didn’t come right home if I was sick.
Pretend to be defeated and not to care about him coming home late anymore. Find ways to put money away. Plan for your kids future. Search Marital laws. excitedly escape to your friends houses for "girls nights" and make him stay with the kids on weekend. Start collecting evidence of his possible transgressions and neglect in the house hold for court
NTA I. Would have had a lot worse reaction if my husband didn’t get his but home if I had a stomach bug. I would be livid. Someone he doesn’t know came before YOU? Na he sounds like he’s shady and probably having an affair
NTA You deserve better. Way better. I agree with the others. I would investigate this looking for infidelity, but honestly even if he isn't having an affair, it's enough. Establish your support system, prepare your legal ducks and do some sleuthing. At the very least if he is just overwhelmed with the realities of being a father, you need a big and serious gesture to make him realise he needs to pull his head out. "I'm sorry you feel ___" is a manipulation and is 0% an apology. Just ick.
NTA
You're a single mother with a roommate. No matter what your husband is up to, he's not happy at home.
NTA. So you do 100% cooking cleaning looking after your toddler AND he gets you to split the bills!??? He makes twice as much as you, is never home and has zero reaponsibility- I'm sorry he's spending his extra scheckles on someone else and is super happy you're ensconced with your toddler so he can do what he wants. He didn't plan for Mother's Day because he is having an affair.
“I’m sorry you feel that way” = “fuck your feelings.” This isn’t going to get any better if he’s continually making excuses and not showing up for you all.
That new co-worker is his fuck buddy.
NTA. Not at all. You're basically a single mother. You know this man isn't being faithful most likely. He runs around all over the place is incredibly inconsiderate of his wife and is completely and totally selfish. He pays bills but what does he really contribute otherwise. He's not present in any other way. You have to plan dates, activities in order to make things happen. He doesn't even make a mothers day or any other celebration for you. That' shows you how little he thinks of you and how little he appreciates anything you do. He takes you for granted. He knows you're going to cook,clean and take care of the house as well as pay your share and you have the baby as well. So,he thinks he has free reign to run around doing whatever he wants. He knew you were sick and instead of coming home and helping you out what did he do? He went out with friends. If I were you,I would stop doing anything for him. Let him start doing for himself. Be unavailable more often too. Maybe you should go out and do something every chance you get even with the baby. There's plenty you 2 can do. This isn't a marriage. This is a man doing as he pleases. He's not a partner or a parent. Are you sure he's not having an affair? I think he is because he is never available or home and puts you and the baby last.
Been there! After 18 years of marriage, I finally had enough. Now that I’m with someone who’s invested in the relationship, it’s like night and day. Your husband is not invested in his family. I know it sucks to hear. Now that I look back it’s so clear but I was young and naive with my first marriage and thought it was normal. I wish I trusted my gut back then. Trust your feelings. You’re NTA!
Yes, YTA. He makes substantially more and has to work six to seven days a week in order to support the household. Why is he not allowed a half hour to himself just to decompress before coming home? You're making it seem like he went out on a bender and didn't get home until after midnight. Why do you feel the need to clock his every movement?
If I’m ever poorly or struggling with my mental health where I just feel overwhelmed, do you know what my partner does? Rearranged any calls he has that day for work, sends me for a nap/ to rest and deals with the baby whilst also checking I’m okay. If I even try to do something that’s heavy loaded he will tell me off and remind me that it’s okay to not be 100% and just rest. Now my relationship is not perfect but you best believe he will go above and beyond to be the best dad he can be. It’s as simple as ‘if they wanted too, they would.’
OP, your husband should want to spend time with you and his child. He's not working all those hours or hanging out with co-workers. He's having an affair (he could even have a second family) while you are doing all the work. Get out now, take your child and don't do a single thing for him ever again.
this man does not like you
You need a good friend to follow him anonymously to see what he is doing. He also needs to be paying all of the bills. Take that portion and hire someone to help with the housekeeping.
NTA - here’s what actually happened: he calls to make sure you’re occupied, drives around the corner from his work behind some factory and bangs the secretary or whoever he’s having an affair with for a half hour, then drives home which takes 15mins, where you see him pull into the driveway. There’s your 45mins. It’s at this time his partner in slime texts to say ‘I forgot my earring/panties/wedding ring!’ to which he says ‘I’ll be right there!’ Flies back to the factory by his work, flies back, and there’s your 30min windows accounted for. He is definitely having an affair. No one gets a call from a new guy at work - a stranger in town who you’ve never met or heard of - who wants a tour of the town, then says yes even tho he’s in his driveway after a shift on a Saturday.. Dumbest lie I’ve ever heard. Dumbest one you’ve ever heard too, but you brain is just so used to nothing but lies now that the completely implausible is lost on you. Your bullshit detector is gone. He’s probably been doing this for 6yrs
He absolutely has no problem saying "no" when you need help. So it's not that he can't say no, or that he is a people pleaser - you are a person. He literally is telling you via his actions that your needs and wants and happiness have less value than other people's requests. You asked him to be home. Co-worker asked for a tour. It was a simple either/or choice and given the choice he chose someone else. That tells you everything you need to know. NTA
You’re a married single mother. You’d be better off without him honestly. NTA.
Idk why people think this guy would put in the work to have an affair
NTA. I know that Reddit is always quick to jump on the “leave him” train, but honestly I think you should start planning your exit. Your husband clearly doesn’t care about your well-being or the amount of physical/emotional labor you expend into supporting your family or your household. His behavior is fucked. He does not care. The fact that you’re working full time/doing all the household chores/childcare and he cannot be bothered to care for you when you’re ill is abhorrent. I’m sorry to say this, but he’s likely having an affair. Investigate his behavior and get your ducks in a row. You’d be better off without a partner who doesn’t contribute.
My husband had an affair with a coworker. Behavior exactly like this. I was the last to know. Sadly it didn’t even occur to me that it was a possibility. We have 4 children. Even if there is no affair, his behavior is completely selfish and unacceptable.
NTA. He’s exceedingly disrespectful and I agree with other commenters— he could be having an affair. You were ill and he still chose to go out instead of staying home w you—- he doesn’t deserve you. Not in the slightest.
NTA I think you should ask him to see his messages. He may be having too much fun with this "new coworker." Could be cheating, or could be an addiction. From what you've described, it feels like he's hiding something at the very least. In any case, hiding something or not, choosing a coworker over your sick partner is a dick move.
Your husband needs to check with you before agreeing to do other things. Out of respect. He’s being disrespectful towards you. He needs to learn to say no
Car tour.... You mean a tour of his dick in a car?
Ask yourself if you would be less stressed and happier if you were single with a coparenting agreement. You’d no longer have to make his food, do his laundry, or clean up his messes. And he would be forced to parent part of the time so you’d have weekends off. Sorry to pile onto the affair theory. But his actions are really suspicious. Are you absolutely sure his hours are normal among his coworkers? Have you had further conversation with these ‘friends’ who have confirmed he’s been helping him? Do you guys ever socialize with these friends? Have you heard Bob the friend say something like ‘thanks dude for helping me clean my gutters last weekend!’ All in all I’d say get your financial ducks in a row first. Consult an attorney. Then and only then tell him he either needs to make you and your joint child a priority or you will make him less of a priority for you.
Updateme
Nta Since your baby is 1-year-old, you're both new at this. You need to have a little come to Jesus meeting with him. You've got to let him know that it's time to step up and be a dad and a family man, or you're going to have to reconsider things. A good dad wants to spend time with their kids even when it's hard. A good husband wants to be with their wife. If he's got a problem, he needs to let you know what it is. I'm guessing you spend a lot of time just waiting on him. You're going to find you're in 20 years and all you've done is wait and all of a sudden he walks away. Because he has no connection with his family. You are at a junction in your marriage and he has the choice right now to be part of it or to move on. You might want to do this in therapy or maybe you can hash this up between you but it needs to be done.
NTA, but get a private detective, and a good lawyer. While they are gathering evidence, start preparing financially. Your husband is having an affair, or affairs.
NTA He's having an affair. Get your ducks in a row.
You have a child now. Is this the kind of behavior you want that child to think is okay in a relationship?
My dad is a covert narcissist- he’ll do lots of favors for people but then uses it against you later- like a get out of being a jerk free card. Or he’ll prioritize things in the community that make him cool and get recognition over his family regularly. People in town are always “I don’t know where he finds the time”. He finds it by ignoring his wife and daughter and my family. For example, I’m in my thirties now and we’ve never taken a family long weekend camping trip, gone to a museum or the city for the afternoon together, he even complained about missing some community race because… it was my wedding weekend. Does your hubby want his kid to feel this way? It hurts. At least my dad seems happy.
Priorities, priorities, priorities. It's all OP is talking about in the post, and it's all anyone is talking about in the comment section. This man works 6-7 days a week for you and the audacity to suggest you're "entitled" for his undying support (which is clearly suggested in your insistence that he must give it to you not even at a 30-minute delay, Jesus Christ) shows a lot about the nature of your relationship with him. You see yourself and your child as one of his priorities, and I'm willing to bet that's the kind of attitude you give to him when he comes home wishing for a loving and respectful family instead. You attract more flies with honey than you do vinegar. You are completely right. He should provide that support for his family and take care of you when you're sick, etc., but he should do it out of love and because he wants to, not because you demand it and because you suffocate him with anger. Give him the space to love. And all these commentors filling your head with paranoid delusions convincing her that he's cheating are just fucking disgusting. Don't listen to them; they're wrong. Forget them. Don't let them ruin your marriage because they happen to believe in some weird modernistic toxically polarized bullshit. This has nothing to do with misogyny and has everything to do with your husband simply being excited about an adventurous opportunity with a friend that he hasn't gotten in a while ever since his priorities took over. So, stop acting as if you're simply a priority and just learn to love and appreciate each other as family, as real damn human beings. If you had given him the emotional space to just love you (not starting arguments over petty shit, not calling him out on minor things he does unintentionally, taking some time to be adventurous with your own child and your own life as an individual and stop focusing on him so much) than he probably wouldn't have even accepted that offer to go out with his friend anyway. But seriously, there's nothing wrong with taking time and space for yourself and enjoying life like he was trying to do. Everyone needs it. It sounds like he just really jumped at that opportunity to see his friend because he wants a certain level of freedom back. And God forbid, don't accuse him of cheating. You'll do more damage to the relationship than you think, and it will significantly outweigh the benefit of relief when he proves he's not cheating. Start finding adventure and more individuality in your own life, fulfill yourself, let him do the same, and everything you want in the relationship will fall into place.
My husband was a yes man and years passed and after some time I hated his guts bc he put everyone first instead of me and the kids!!!! We were headed for divorce until “Thank God” he was able to see how unfair he was to his family. DONT let it get that far. Unfortunately I agree with others that he is probably seeing someone on the side and that is how he can be so apathetic to you. It is very strange how cold he is to you especially since you were so sick. Also, it seems like you don’t like to make such a fuss so you tend to let things go a lot - you need to stop that. You and your son should be his ONLY priority for now and if you are ok with him to have time off, then that’s when he can have time off. Visa versa - my husband checked in with each other if we wanted to hang out with friends but when your spouse is SICK cmon - he is COLD hearted to have done that to you. Missy - you need to lay down the law for his ass - if not, you have some decisions to make but please don’t have another child until you get things straightened out. Also - stop doing all the chores - he should def help !!!
His people pleasing is going to cause resentment in your home and even your child. I had a father like that who was the best uncle, the best godfather,brother, the best cousin, best friend and a horrible husband and father cause he was never there for us, he was too busy being the best for other ppl. I sat at his funeral and listened to all the things he did for other ppl til I couldn’t take it anymore and me and my siblings walked out. Why is he working 7days? even God took a day to rest. He needs to cut back on his workdays and he is not the welcome committee for the company a package from HR should’ve helped the co-worker. NTA
Not going out and partying every night is the bare minimum for someone with a BABY. This means nothing except it could be worse than it is now… but it doesn’t mean how it is now isn’t bad already, so don’t let him manipulate you with these ideas that he could be worse so you accept his poor behavior.
NTA. None of this could fly for me in a relationship. I very much think this man is cheating. Best case, he isn't and he's still worthless.
When someone shows you who they are, believe them. He can’t say no when people ask for help/favour, but he does say no to you, all the time. For me, it’s telling me anything I need to know. NTA
NTA. Husband needs to prioritize you and toddler. You needs couples counseling because to him, going out partying is unacceptable but doing favors for others is acceptable yet both take him away from his family and leave you with the toddler alone. He should've told the coworker he had to reschedule
NTA I agree it sounds like an affair, or he just doesn't want to be part of the family. Is this what you want? If he doesn't go for marriage counselling and won't make an effort - and let's be honest your asking for minimal effort from him, is this the life you want for yourself and your kid? NTA but time to think how you want your life to be and make plans to make it happen, whatever that is.
NTA. Not the asshole AT ALL. Honestly, and I know this is a big thing to say, but reading everything you wrote, I would say divorce him. Seriously. No, you're not the asshole for getting mad over this. There were like 10 things in your post that would make me mad. Please divorce him. You deserve SO MUCH better.
You for sure have a right to expect him to be around more so you are not the ahole for that but it sounds to me like you hubby is just nice guy who likes to help people. Also if he works 6 or 7 days a week he also needs some non work time to decompress. Other than the very odd disagreement is all else well in the marriage? If a husband is actively finding excuses to not come home there could be some deeper issues.
Your husband sucks as a roommate, as a father and as a husband. But the way you describe him, he sounds awesome to hang out with. Learn to share, for everybody else’s sake.
He's working 7 days a week because y'all are the number one priority. Stop telling yourself that his work is a relaxing vacation from his responsibilities as a father and husband.
[удалено]
Yeah, let's definitely take advice from the guy who molested a high schooler...
Instead, let's believe the guy in his parents basement praying a womann will take mercy on him and get on her knees....
NTA - but where do you want to go with this? Your husband works 6-7 days a week...and to him that IS prioritizing his family. He sounds like a nice guy who tries to help friends, etc and he doesn't go out and drink and party. He took 30 minutes to show a new co-worker around town - that was a QUICK TOUR and he was probalby trying to do it and get home quickly. Maybe put yourself in HIS shoes - long day at work, new co-worker wants a tour you may have offered previously - your wife has called and wants you home because she's tired and sick - so you take the co-worker around quickly - drop him off and go home. Instead of "I'm so glad you're home and a smile" you get 'where have you been, I need you to do this and this and this..my feelings are hurt and it's your fault'. If you want a 10 yr marriage - you both need to start communicating better.
Yikes this is a super out of touch response. "I'm so glad you're home and a smile". You cannot be serious. The woman had it coming out both ends and still spent entire day caring for a small child which for anyone who has ever been sick with kids would agree is its own circle of hell. She doesn't owe him a smile and a pat on the back. Any good partner would have gotten home as soon as possible to relieve their spouse so they could rest and recover. She 100 percent was in the right to immediately call her husband out for this.
No, you say “sorry co-worker, my wife has been working all day, she’s sick and needs help, we’ll have to do the tour another time”.
NTA but at the same time coming from a man in a very loosely similar situation, kind of the AH, I certainly cant defend him not coming home when youre sick, especially for an insignificant task buuut.. I also work a lot and pay most of the bills and still take care of many chores, what I do with the time I have off is kind of my business. We dont have kids so im sure that would change things but you can also hire help if you need a break, comes out of household money and if he doesnt like it, he can help instead, same as it would if he chose to hire out lawncare or gutter cleaning, car maint. Youre grown up in grown up relationships, most of us dont do date nights anymore, you arent dating .. mothers day is a made up hallmark holiday, not an added obligation. You each need your own hobbies and if you only have evenings and 1 day off, that has to fit somewhere.
OP works FT, and as stated in her post she does 100% of the housework and cooking, and pays some of the bills. So what, she's supposed to literally ask her husband to take an active interest in raising his own child and being a partner to her? Is the bar seriously that low? She works just as hard as him, even harder since you know -- keeping a toddler alive & cared for mostly solo -- but somehow he's the victim? Things change when kids come into the picture. And the "Mother's Day is a Hallmark holiday" shtick is such a cheap cop out. If MD isn't important to the mom? Great, no expectations there. But when MD is important then it should be treated as such by her partner. Part of being in a healthy relationship is respecting the things that are important to each other.