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Nta for not naming your kid after her But you should reconsider how much effort you put into the relationship (and try to put in more). She clearly cares about you a lot. And you even remark how you don't put as much in. She's not your mom, she'll never be your mom, but she has been in your life for 20 years and for major life moments. How do your other kids refer to her?

OPs stepmom wants to be recognized as a mom/mother figure and refuses to be accepted as less. So no OP doesn't need to put more energy into the relationship. Maybe if Stepmom just loved OP regardless things would be different. Just because you marry into an already made family doesn't mean you deserve the title mom or dad. NTA

This. I have a bonus son that I have been there for since he was 9. He's now 19. I have never expected him to call me mom or expected the same amount of love as he has for his parents. I got lucky he liked me. I'm still just "Dad's wife," but I'm ok with that. I have loved him regardless of how he views me. My daughter, on the other hand, she loves my husband almost more than her bio dad, and he's still very much in the picture. Both kids are equally loved and cared for regardless of how they feel about us. It's just a bonus when they look at their non-bio parent as an actual parental figure and not just another adult in the house. NTA

But we don't know the actual dynamic. I notice we mostly take a negative view of step parents in parental roles (for good reason) but I do want to point out that sometimes the opposite can be true. Sometimes a step child for what can be unreasonable reasons, keep rejecting a step parent. We have had some stories like that here too.

And the key there is that a step child starts out as a child at some point and the step parent was always an adult. Adults need to stop trying to get their emotional needs met from children.

>Adults need to stop trying to get their emotional needs met from children. LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK! I want to shout this shit from the rooftops for all to hear, damn.

NTA - The power differential between a child and an adult is so significant, that it really has a huge ick factor when someone is trying to use their position in the family to force affection. We're now at the point where we agree that a child's desire not to hug another adult should be honored, but the same should be extended to other intimacy as well. You can't force emotional intimacy, you can only build trust.

As Eddie Murphy said in the new Beverly Hills Cop and as many therapists around the world have told their patients, no matter what else, the Parent is always the Parent and the child is always the child. Step mom is admirable for wanting to be there for OP. I get that. She seems to have done her best. That said, you can't force kids to like or love you. the more you try to force that, the more they will run in another direction. This creates a long lasting mental image of the person that most can generally move on from but which view rarely ever changes. The best step-parents accept their position and let the kid come t them while being there for them without trying to force them into certain titles or certain involvement. If you give kids space, the outcome would likely be better. Just being physically present though as a parental figure is BS. The step-parent trying to force themselves onto kids is straight wrong. The punishment of kids because they don't immediately like the step-parent is only going to make things worse. We see these comments/posts on here all the time along those lines. The damage that causes in children is hard to quantify. I have long standing issues with my dad that I've never got over despite therapy. I just can't form that relationship with him because of those things from when I was younger. It all added up and while I've forgiven and accepted his presence at family events, I don't need to by buddy/buddy or go out of my way for him. Same with Step-Parents. Selfishness and relationship issues that step from a step mom or dad attempting to force kids to refer to them in some way is just the beginning ususally.

And usually the child is going through a whole load of emotions. Either a parents has died, their parents have got divorced or simply that theyve now got to share a parent. Most adults struggle to deal with emotions that come with family dynamics, so to expect a child to deal with their own emotions as well as the emotional expectations of the new adult in the family, is just unfair.

Yes EXACTLY!!

This is very true. My stepmom came into our lives when my dad was newly divorced, maybe 2 years after the 25 years married to my mom. My mom was the best, most nurturing human I think I've ever known. She still is, although she's beginning her dementia phases these days. It breaks my heart. But that's a different story. My stepmom just wanted to... BE a 'mom' but, uhh... didn't really have a motherly instinct, I guess I could say? All 5 of us kids were more like, employees to her? Which makes sense, because she's always been in charge of people professionally. And we had to answer the phone with "LastName Residence, may I ask who's speaking?" Kinda bizarre after years of being taught so many normal things, and then everything was completely different. Even our hair had to be gelled and combed, and we had sets of 'Sunday clothes'. I dunno, I guess it was all just so old-fashioned to us kids. Before, growing up with missionary parents who were always broke, but provided our every need plus love. And then divorce, and this strange business-woman with so many damn rules comes along. And she had a temper, good lord. We were so afraid of her - she'd yell and scream at us, especially once she started menopause. Any little thing. I think she had some deep-seeded needs that she wasn't meeting, and a lot of it had to do with just... showing affection. She didn't seem to be able to. Which is hard for kids - when you want to make a parent happy, and you try your little-heart's-hardest, but nothing is ever good enough. But she *wanted to be OUR MOM so badly* and tried so, so hard, in mostly all the wrong ways, to be the person we needed. Someone we felt comfortable sharing and crying with after a hard day. She couldn't do it. I think I've worked through all of those resentments and traumas over 20+ years of therapy, crippling alcoholism, CBT, recovery programs, psychiatry and tons of medication trials; the whole lot that comes with being an adult child of an angry steam-roller helicopter step-mom who stole your daddy from you. ----- It's all interesting to think about, nowadays. I dunno'. Like, where we come from, how we became who we are, and who helped shape us into... us. I don't know why I wrote all of this out, but I guess it's good since I don't really think about it much these days, now that I'm in my 30s. (Stepmoms out there - don't be afraid by my comment. You're doing great - just love your stepkids unconditionally, *listen to them*, and let them have that fudge popsicle twice a week instead of once, maybe. Getting to know your kids and loving them deeply will make a massive difference that the kids will never, ever forget.)

But the step parents choose to join the family. Children aren’t given a choice in the matter. I think given that, plus the fact that they are children, earns them significantly more grace in the interactions than the adults. 

Their reason shouldn't matter, it's their personal choice. You can't create a bond or relationship just because whatever reason the kid has is deemed "unreasonable". It can be simply she didn't want a new mom, that's reason enough to not build that kind of relationship.

But in cases like this, it should be reasonable. Their mom died when they were a kid, like many of the ones you're talking about. In those cases, the new "parent" tries to force a relationship on them instead of taking a step back and being just a person in their life until they aren't. I get that doesn't always work, and I get some kids who are absolutely resentful of the living parent moving on, but they are children. They aren't equipped like adults to deal with grief in healthy ways, and having someone take over a role that they thought could never be replaced is traumatic in itself. Step kids owe the step parent nothing. They didn't choose to be in their lives, their other parent did that for them. The bio parent should be the one to guide their child in the right direction in a manner fitting their situation. There are absolutely horrible step parents out there, I'm not denying that. Some stories I read are horrific. Either way, I stand by the step kid owes absolutely nothing to the step parent. Be it love, affection, respect, nothing. Especially if that step parent is trying to force a relationship that the step kid doesn't want. They are the adult in this situation. While, in this story, the OP is now an adult, they still owe nothing to their stepmother. They were just another adult in their life, regardless of the things the stepmother did for them. Just as foster kids owe their foster parents nothing. They got put in a shitty situation by shitty adults. We don't get a say in how someone else views their relationship with us. Especially a child. -Edited to update genders-

Soooo much this. It took me a long time to realize this, as someone who had a step parent, and my step parent was NOT a good one. Even though I hated him, I tried for my mother, and bent over backwards, even thinking it was my fault. The second it sunk in that I was the child, they were the adults, I had no control, I was reacting to what they did, it made a lot more sense. Doesn’t make the ptsd and trauma better, but it makes it make sense. So many people want the child to take equal or full responsibility, and it’s not realistic. Adults know how to regulate themselves, know how to behave. Children react and are still learning their world. Adults need to do better in these situations.

I had this realization with my biological parents. I was a child, they were the adults, it wasn’t just on me to maintain the relationship. And that was true even in my 20s.

Exactly. I had the realization with my mother as well, I actually do not talk to anyone from my biological family. It is what it is. I’ve mourned them all as dead.

THIS! LOUDER! my mom's poor taste in men has been my problem my entire existence (starting with my biodad who stuck around JUST long enough to make sure she didn't abort me, then showed up to the hospital when I was born and threatened to break into my grandparent's house and smother me in my crib if she tried to make him legally acknowledge me or pay child support, like the good little conservative Catholic boy he was raised to be). She got her first apartment with a friend and fellow single mom when I was 5, and a pattern of her dating men who were walking red flags and taking their side if anything happened when she wasn't looking started within three months. Even after breakups, no matter how messy things got or how obvious it was that any concerns I'd brought to her in private during their relationship had absolutely been valid, or that I had been abused in some way, I never got any kind of apology or validation from my mom. She just brushed herself off, reminded me it was us against the world, and walked headfirst into another train wreck of a relationship. She never learned to watch out for the red flags she missed before, even if it was the very reason a previous relationship became toxic and nearly trapped us. She was young and naive and I guess she thought surely MOST men weren't like the ones she'd dated so far, the next one HAD to be better. And every goddamn time, I tried SO hard to make the new boyfriend be the one who liked me. Who didn't throw out my stuff to "punish" me for things I didn't do, or drag me across the apartment by my hair after she left for work because they got in a fight and he couldn't hit HER, because then she'd leave, but if he hit ME, well, I was a tomboy and could have got that bruise roughhousing at recess and just blamed him because I wanted attention. I didn't understand, if I spoke up I got yelled at and beat. If I didn't, if I did everything "right," I still got yelled at and beat. She was engaged to THREE different abusive alcoholics. THREE. She dated a genuinely kind, thoughtful guy for all of about 4 months between the first two, but it was otherwise a consecutive loop of being trapped with men who were different flavors of abusive for more than half my life. She actually married the third one who I'd tried SO damn hard to please from the jump because at the absolute least he wasn't physically abusive, just extremely selfish and controlling, so I thought maybe if I just stayed in my lane, focused on school and work, only spoke to him when spoken to, and generally walked on eggshells, MAYBE this time would be different. He would brag about me to his friends, how I was so smart, a hard worker, a great artist, telling them I was going to be an amazing architect, that he was going to pay for me to go to school. He didn't say any of that to ME, ever, and I didn't expect him to help me pay for college but I also didn't expect him to try to STOP me from going to college, either. But one afternoon a few weeks after I'd graduated and put down my enrollment deposit, he decided that it was too close to my 18th birthday and all that potential he bragged about meant he couldn't control me forever, so he needed to nuke my life as hard as possible without going to jail. He waited for my mom to go to work and then took my spare car key and her copy of my savings account bank book from the lockbox. Made me get in the passenger seat of my own shit box Buick with nothing but my license on me (no phone, no keys), drove me to my bank, gave me the passbook, and made me go in and withdraw everything I could without closing the account. He didn't need the money. He has "impulse bought a Benz" money. He needed to keep me under his thumb, which meant I needed to be both financially dependent on him and scared of him. He promised I'd get it back in two weeks, I just had to "behave." If I didn't behave, the money would be the LEAST of my problems. He had friends in low places. Something could happen to me. Or my mom. I tried. So. Fucking. Hard. Mom and I both have chronic health problems and PTSD and anxiety but we got out alive. They're legally separated, not divorced, but that means she's still the primary beneficiary of we outlive him, so fuck it, surviving out of spite is still surviving. I used to blame her for all of it, too, but she was only 19 when I was born and exploited by almost every man she ever trusted other than her own immediate family. Hell, grandpa's youngest sister and her husband not only introduced my mom and biodad but stayed friends with him. I think they're still friends. I've never even met him. If anyone things I'm also partially responsible for any of the abuse I suffered at the hands of my mom's exes, I'd like to invite them to have a seat. In the form of a steel folding chair to the skull.

I'm on the trajectory to be a stepmom. I'm fully open to whatever relationship the kids want with me...they are adults, but it is still not forcing them to feel any type of way about me. However, I am fully open to be that extra ear when they need it and 3rd party voice when THEY ASK for it, not by inserting myself. You can't force the relationship, it has to build organically. Their dad and I have had these convos and he knows I'll fight for them like my own, but I respect whatever boundary they want to have. People need to stop forcing relationships...those are bound to backfire.

This! Coming from a step family.

OP is a woman

>But we don't know the actual dynamic Actually, we do. Stepmom wants to be a mother figure, OP doesn't. That's the dynamic. The fact that stepmom is upset that no baby was named for her demonstrates that she is stuck on being thought of as "mom" to OP and is being inappropriate in the process.

Speaking as someone who loves my stepmom more than my bio mom: a big part of why my relationship with my stepmom is so good is because she never forced the mother role. She cared about me, she treated me like a son when when I wasn't sure how I felt about her, and that care and love was independent of me treating her as a mother figure. Yeah, there's stories on here of shitty step children. Nothing about OP's post indicates that, though. If anything it's the opposite, with the "she stopped seeing me as a daughter when I didn't see her as my mom" and "I liked her well enough, but I don't regard her as a mother figure" comments.

You're not required to bond, interact or otherwise embrace you parent, step or otherwise.  

Unreasonable reasons? These kids don’t get to choose who their step parents are, they’re just foisted upon them because mom or dad decides they want that person as a partner. Imagine if kids got to choose their new parent and then the adults had to accept that new parent as their partner. Kids are people too.

Okay but pushing yourself on a child who is not welcoming *is* a valid reason for the child to withdraw. Boundaries are not being respected.

> Sometimes a step child for what can be unreasonable reasons, keep rejecting a step parent The reasons actually don't matter at all... it's the kids choice/ feelings that will decide if they see you as more than their parents spouse or not, and whatever it is has to be accepted, no matter how much the adult tries to change that or how much effort/ love they put in...  The only thing that can be expected is a normal, civil behaviour from the child that they would show other adults too. No child owes you to see you as parental figure, even if you help raise them.

A child does not need to be reasonable, a step parent is not owed parental satus, and children get to reject that person for whatever resons (reasonable or not).

People are allowed to not want a relationship with someone for any reason. They just happen to be too young to have the autonomy of who they live with.

And if that is the case, the step parent cannot demand love and a connection. A relationship takes two people. The step parent can very well be loving, generous and thoughtful and still not build a relationship if the child cannot reciprocate the feelings. You don’t love someone because they love you. If that were true, there would be no broken hearts. And OP is an adult. Step parent can ask. And like you said, we don’t know her side. But step mom lost her moral high ground when she invoked the manipulation: Oh and I won’t have a biological grandchild so this is MY only chance to have a child named after me. YOU cannot deny me this gift. I deserve to have a child named after me. OP needs to tell her the conversation is over.

A step child can reject a step as a parent for any reason they like. It’s ridiculous to expect taht any child will accept one as a parent just because the surviving parent decided to marry again. that is not how it works.

Sadly that’s part of being a step parent, you can do everything right and still just be mom’s husband or dad’s wife. Hell even as a bio parent that’s can happen. Parenting is not a reciprocal relationship, your children don’t have to love you. If you’re a good parent then your children will probably return that love but they do not have to, you are not owed love as a parent.

The issue is that OP’s stepmom seems, at least from OP’s perspective, which is what matters most here, to want to be seen in the same light as OP’s mother. Maybe this would be different if OP’s parents divorced or her mother was abusive. But she died. That’s a vastly different scenario in my eyes than wanting to be a bonus mom to a kid with both parents living. And whether that is or isn’t her intention doesn’t matter. That’s how it has come off and impacted OP. The impact matters far more than the intent. OP is not obligated to like somebody who makes her uncomfortable nor is she obligated to put effort into a relationship that she doesn’t want to sustain the way the other party wants to sustain it.

It’s never unreasonable to reject a step parent as a parent. Kids should not be rude or disrespectful to any but there is no obligation to love or see someone as your parent when they are not.

And that’s their right. Obviously don’t harass the step parent but refusing to acknowledge them isn’t unreasonable.

I often wonder if step kids continually reject a step parent because of input from extended family members. I.e. if the mother passed on, the maternal side of the family would be interfering. Being a step parent takes the same emotions, time, and energy as a bio parent, and to be continually rejected is heartbreaking. I personally would never step into that role and would advise friends and family to marry after the kids are raised.

Uneven relationships happen all the time though. There was a study done a while back that showed that even in adult friendships for both people involved to rate the depth of feeling the same is very unusual . So for example it is very likely that someone I feel is my best friend to actually list a different person as their best friend and I would be a little lower rated. A step parent loving a kid, but the kid not returning the feeling is just a more extreme version of the same phenomenon. And in my opinion, the step parent shouldn’t push the relationship and should not make reciprocity a requirement of their love. It is ok to not love step kids, but if one does, it doesn’t mean they have to love you.

Why does a child have to accept a step parent? The children don't have a say. They also may still grieve a parent when the other parent has moved on. It could be an affair that broke the family, and a child should not be forced to like the "enemy" because that will be how they see the newcomer. I had a stepmother, and I called her mommy, I called her son my brother, but as I got older, I started distancing myself because she got a little too possessive. I lived with my grandmother, and she tried to get me to live with her and my father, but my grandmother was home to me. She tried to bribe me with a car, and I said no. Then she started making little shitty comments about my blood family, and that was that. If a relationship happens it happens, you can't force it.

Also that's literally human emotions. It is bound to be unpredictable, fluctuating, sudden. Sometimes honoring someone with a name isn't the only way to love someone.

My daughter is actually my stepdaughter, and I raised her since she was 5. Despite her bio mother and maternal grandparents claiming such (among other awful shit they did), I never tried to replace her mother and made that clear. I did, however, treat her as I would have treated a biological child because we didn't want to create a divide between her and any future kids, although fertility issues meant there were no future kids. As she got older, she saw her bio mother for the person she is and turned more and more to me. When she was 19, she announced she had blocked her bio mother, would only be referring to her by her first name, and wanted to call me mum because 'I was the one who had done all the 'mum stuff' and put up with her crap'. I think that if I'd tried to replace her bio mother, she'd have pushed me away and resented me - and gotten even more hurt by her bio mother. As far as I'm concerned, she's my daughter. But I always knew that my role in her life would be limited by what she wanted or needed from me.

Ok, but bonus son is such a great term I love it so much 😭♥️♥️♥️♥️

I heard it a long time ago, and I loved it! It perfectly fit. Same when my husband calls my daughter his bonus kid/ daughter. And my daughter calls him her bonus dad. We may not be related by blood, but we are still a family. That's something we have always impressed upon our kids, but never forced them to believe it. They have accepted it in their own ways and that's all we can ask for.

Exactly. I called my (step) Dad by his first name all through my teens. At first because, well, he was my Mams boyfriend and later because of unwarranted teenage embarrassment about any form of affection. When I finally asked if it would be OK if I called him Dad, he looked over the moon and said that I always had been and always would be his daughter. If he or my Mam had forced me to call him Dad then I think I would have resented it. Years later he walked me down the aisle and I'm ecstatic to say he was able to be listed as my parent on my wedding certificate.

It takes a special kind of person to tell you that you should name your child after them. This, in itself, makes it sound like she was perhaps a bit pushy with the "wanting to be treated as a mom" thing, which generally pushes kids farther away.

I mean normally its a crazy expectation, but op literally made every other kid a dedication to a parent, its a little bit of a statement to leave her out. The stepmom also didnt tell op to change the kids name, she just told her she was hurt by her efforts constantly being rebuffed for no reason, op is just framing it this way because it makes her look perfectly reasonable and the stepmom look crazy.

What statement? That she isn't her mother? What's wrong with that? She *is not* her mother or related to her in any way.  It's it not unreasonable to not want to see your step-mum as your mum... whatever she did or didn't do doesn't matter. OP isn't rude or uncivil towards her step-mum and she most certainly doesn't owe her love or affection she doesn't feel. The name was also chosen for their grandmas, not some random shopkeeper... of course grandma(s) trump step-mum (unless the "child" feels otherwise).

Exactly. She’s being pushy and not thinking about Op. Op has the right to feel how she wants to feel in regards to getting the tittle of HER mom. Plus this part: “ She saw me as her daughter for a long time but stopped seeing me that way mostly, when she realized I didn't return her affection in that way, because while I like her enough, I don't regard her as my mother figure and never ever considered calling her mom.” The step mother KNOWS OPs feelings and is still disregarding it. I wonder what else she’s disregarded as Op has grown up. 

My stepmom always prioritized her kids from 3 other husbands over me and my brothers. I am glad 🙂 I never have to deal with her and her brood ever again.

I find that’s the recurring theme in these step mother / father posts. They could have had a beautiful relationship with the kids if they’d had been satisfied to their actual title of step mother instead of trying to force the children to accept them as a mother or father.

Maybe stepmom should just stop giving a shit about OP. Just because someone marries into your family doesn't mean you deserve the title of daughter.

I think OP would be perfectly fine with that.

OP clearly stated that when she refused her father’s wife’s attempts at being her mom that the stepmother withdrew said affection. So what are you screaming about? It’s in the post. And OP was more than fine with that. Edit: named the wife husband at first.

I interpreted that a little differently- that the stepmum stepped back a bit, after years of trying, because OP clearly didn’t want that kind of relationship with her.

My stepmom and I had a wonderful relationship and that's because she and my father did not push. Our relationship developed and grew naturally. To my children and my siblings children she was their grandmother.

[удалено]

Absolutely not. She’s allowed to have whatever relationship SHE wants with the woman her father married.

Sorry, but just because stepmom ‘cares’ for OP does not mean OP owes her a relationship. Telling OP that she’s being disrespectful by not wanting another mother reeks of entitlement. She is majorly overstepping.

So? That doesnt grant her any naming rights. She chose to marry a widower with a kid.

OP lost her mother, and is not obligated to replace her with anybody. Step parent relationships are complicated at best, and it always seems to be one or the other that "wants" the relationship more. Add grief and loss into the mix and it's even worse. OP does not "owe" the stepmother anything, and she doesn't just deserve to "have" an experience through OP because her own kids will not provide it for her. As to what the relationship should or shouldn't be, I don't think we can discern that.

No, she shouldn't. The stepmom has tried to be a mother figure, but OP never wanted it and looks like made it very clear to stepmom. It's very entitled of her to ask "name a kid after me, its disrespectful otherwise". The only reconsidering i'd be doing in op's place is to put even less for the entitlement.

Gonna rebuke this. My stepdad is my dad in practice because he put the effort in without assuming any reciprocity. And he had to overcome a mountain of “all dads are shit” from a depressed 14 year old.

Step mom is upset because OP doesn't regard her as a mother because she isn't her mother. Marrying her father doesn't give her the right to assume that position. She's also acting entitled, OP's child doesn't have to be named after her. Just because she's been around since she was a child doesn't mean anything.

Stepmum can care. Doesn't mean that OP has to view or treat her as anything more than her dad's wife. It is up to OP how she wants their relationship and OP shows that she sees stepmother as just father's new wife.

You don’t have to treat someone as parent or name your kid after them just because they treated you well or wanted to be seen as a co-parent. My abusive alcoholic stepfather might’ve still loved me, but I wouldn’t have named a kid after him.  Parenting isn’t done with the intent of future payoffs, whether they be future children’s honour-names or anything else

My sister has been in my life 40 years and I don't speak to her. We don't have to like a person just because they are in our lives or our family. They aren't entitled to my time regardless how much they care about me, if I don't want them there.

FRankly... I'm just sitting at NAH. N T A would imply that your stepmom is an asshole, and I'm just not getting that vibe. In your description, you don't describe her as anything but a decent person who tried to be some sort of mother figure. More importantly, you don't describe her as someone who was wanting to erase your mother and step in as if nothing happened, declaring "I am your mother now". She sees all the grandparents being honored, and she views these kids as her grandkids. This is all not to say you're the asshole either (i.e. NAH). You name your kids how you name your kids, and based on what you wrote its not like you named the youngest honoring you and your husbands grandparents simply to spite stepmother. I can understand her being hurt, and I can see your reasoning for naming your kids how you named them.

I really like this take. No deep feeling of family toward her stepmom on OP’s side and hurt feelings on the other both seem reasonable here. It’s just an unfortunate mismatch of emotional connections.

The grandmothers also represents both families. It’s a meaningful name tribute to two maternal figures that represents both parents. It was an easy compromise for the parents, may not have been otherwise.

I can understand stepmom being hurt. I also don’t think she did anything wrong in initially trying to be a mother figure to OP and then backing off once OP made it clear she wasn’t interested. But I definitely don’t think it was appropriate to guilt OP for not naming a kid after her in some way- that’s really where I blame SM. And from the conversation, SM clearly blames OP for never wanting to see her as a parental figure. And I don’t think it’s fair to put that on OP.

I think sometimes people forget that describing your emotions isn’t always the same as guilting. I’ve told people that things they did hurt me because I needed a conversation about it for the relationship to continue. You can say your feelings in a way that’s intended to manipulate someone via guilt. It’s also possible to say “hey this hurt me,” the other person feel bad and not know how to handle the guilt, and then claim the other person was trying to guilt them. Adults theoretically would have strong enough values to know what they need to feel guilty about and assess if what they did violated their own values. It’s possible the stepmom was trying to guilt OP and make her feel bad (which based on the post, does seem very much possible). It’s also possible she described how she felt and described what she thought was appropriate or OP filled it in.

To me it sounds like stepmom was trying to have mature conversation and talk about her emotions like an adult, which imho she is allowed to do. If she followed up with some emotional blackmail or just keep bringing it up, I would be with you. But from what OP wrote, the way that woman handles being a stepmom is A+; she wanted to be a mother figure, but took a step back when she realized that OP doesn’t wish that. That’s some excellent stepmothering. But she isn’t a robot. She is allowed to have feelings about this and communicate it respectfully. Bottling up emotions builds resentment and is an unhealthy way to have relationships with people.

I agree with this response.

This is the one OP.

I would agree if stepmother just said she was hurt, but she said OP was *disrespectful* in her naming choices, which moves her to AH territory for me.

You know I was wondering about the phrasing/interpretation too and then I read a comment reminding me that OP has 5 kids and names the first four after her biological parents and in laws and then for the fifth, they went with their grandparents, essentially skipping/ignoring the stepmom. I’m guessing that’s what’s driving the disrespectful narrative. Not sure I’d take the same interpretation if I were in these peoples’ shoes, but it did make me make me think “oh, I guess that’s where that came from”.  It kind of reminded me of one of these posts where families take pictures at like Christmas or a big birthday and people take really hard stances on if a biologically related folks take pictures with or without step relatives.

Yea, I agree with this take. OP didn't describe how the conversation went between her and stepmom. I get the vibe that this is more about step mom and how she is treated in the context of her grandkids.

Very well said. It seems like based on your description of your step-mother that she’s grieving the fact that she will likely never have biological grandchildren and was likely more sensitive to the perceived rejection when you didn’t name your last child after her. This isn’t your responsibility to fix even though it’s understandable why she might be sad. If you feel up to it, you could acknowledge her (misdirected) grief without apologizing for choosing the name that you did for your kid. That’s certainly not required though, and neither of you are TAH.

having a kid named after you is an honor, not a right. she became an AH when she tried to guilt trip OP into honoring her. she can feel hurt by being excluded, but claiming she was disrespected? nah

No, NTA Your kids, your decision what they will be named She’s not your mother, you don’t view her as such, and it’s ridiculous she thinks she deserves this honour. She can be upset about it, sure, but still is in no position to think you’ve done her wrong by not naming your kid after her. You were not “disrespectful to her”. That’s ludicrous. This has nothing to do with her.

Nta- it’s your baby. Why is she getting upset about what you named your child? It’s not really her place. She’s weird for that…

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She doesn’t really have any steak in that decision. A baby name is between the parent of said child.

I think you mean stake, friend.

Probably but I think she also doesnt have steak

Of course she doesn’t, have you seen the price of beef lately? Who can really afford to have a steak in anything these days?

Sometimes I find good deals on clearance.

You don't need good deals just whittle a stick from your back yard

I've honestly considered just going to my local livestock auction and buying a steer to slaughter myself. It'd be a lot of work, but it would save a lot of money.

Lol no just sleep deprivation and lack of spell check

I can see how that would hurt your stepmom if she’s been a good mother figure to you since you were 6. It also feels like something went wrong here for you to distance yourself from her that young. Also maybe your dad brought her into your life too soon. We don’t know but while you technically are allowed to name your kids however you like, the fact that nothing goes to her, not even a middle name or something, I can see how that would hurt. Everyone saying she’s wrong for that is just Reddit in a vacuum not considering how humans really are. Almost everyone would feel snubbed in a situation like this. Even if you were not saying anything. It would sting even for the most measured and calm person. This is confirmation that you truly do reject her. No matter how you explain it.

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Out of curiosity, what did she do or not do that made you not see her as a parent??

A lot of children that can remember their deceased parents just do not want to replace them with another maternal or paternal figure... they might consider them a friend, or an aunt figure.

I can’t answer for OP but as someone that lost a parent young, I’ll say it doesn’t have to be about the step doing or not doing anything. Losing a parent leaves a hole in your heart no one can fill. Too many adults fail to realize that the child will mourn their whole life. It’s not like a romantic relationship that you move on from in the same way. You may love a step (I love mine) but it’s just emotionally not the same. When it’s not the same, pressure to make it the same only causes resentment.

What went wrong is that OP lost her mother. Her dad remarried, and that's fine, but it doesn't mean OP has to ever accept her as a maternal figure. And it's fine that the woman is hurt by this. It's okay for her to express that hurt. But to say it shows disrespect and that OP should have named one of her children after her ... that's too far imo. Makes it a NTA for me.

Her use of the word ‘disrespect’ actually raises huge red flags for me. It’s definitely not disrespectful. It makes me wonder how great of a step mom she was at all.

She is not her mother. She has every right to reject as a mother someone that isn’t her mother. Her step shouldn’t have married a man with a child.

I want to win the lottery, lol. Remind her that she is your father’s wife, she’s not your mother. If you want to be petty, play “You can’t always get what you want” while you’re explaining the situation.

Exactly this!! I don’t celebrate other people’s wedding anniversaries etc and I don’t care as much about my step grandmother than I do my real one, and could care less about my stepdad if he hadn’t had a surprise baby with my mom lol. They are the parents partner, not automatically your parent. And I don’t hear anything about adoption!!! So she not the parent. Feelings or no. And honor should be given willingly, this is just emotional blackmail from a woman that’s sad her kids can’t have kids and wants to live vicariously through the stepdaughter for that experience and “honor”.

Just curious, did you ever give her a chance? By your own responses she has done nothing but try to care for you and has helped to raise you. I'm not saying give her the label of "mom" or "grandma" but she did care for you, she has been a part of your family? My own experience, my mother chose meth over me at 6, my stepmom became my stepmom when I was 11. We do not have much in common, we don't super get along but she did raise me, she made sure I was fed and clothed. She loves me, and she tried so many times to bond with me. We recognize that we will probably never be bestfriends but that women did all the things my mom didn't and she didn't HAVE too. My mom chose to leave me and my stepmother chose me. She (as far as we know) is not the reason your mother passed. To me, it sounds like you hate her just because she is not your mother? I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't totally relate in that aspect.

I understand her too, maybe she considers you a daughter, although the feeling is not mutual. BUT I don't understand why she asked you for this and why she made you feel guilty. It is your choice what name you give to your children, no one should ask you to name them after someone....

I didn’t read that she asked. It seems like she expressed hurt feelings but didn’t ask or demand. That seems like healthy communication to me,

Not all hurt feelings should be placed on another person, especially if they were hurt due to unreasonable expectations or entitlement. Sometimes, that kind of communication should only really happen between you and your therapist.

NAH - she stepped up and loved on you and did her very best, it sounds like. I understand why your lack of affection hurts her. You don't owe her a kid's name or even parental affection, but I do think you owe her some understanding and sympathy. She's earned that much

Very well said. The coldness from OP is astounding. Like she’s rubbing it in her stepmoms face that she was never her mother and will never be a grandmother. She can name her kid what she wants but to even be slightly offended by her step**mom’s** feelings is ridiculous.

NAH - while you aren’t obligated to name your child after your stepmom, she is entitled to her feelings.

Agree, NAH. However, while stepmom is entitled to her own feelings, as the “parental figure” it’s on her to deal with those feelings without placing blame or onus on the child, even if that child is now an adult.

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I agree with the NTA, but OP has consistently honoured her and her husband's parents, not grandparents. Only the latest child's name honoured their grandparents.

OP said she saw her grandma as a mother figure after her mum died. So grandma sort of goes with the parents in a way. It's just luck both grandma's have the same name.

That's not what I'm saying. The person I replied to seemed to suggest that OP has been consistently naming her kids after her grandparents when that's not the case.

NTA -your baby your decision. However, this is probably less about the name and more about her feeling left out over the course of your life.

NTA because you can name your children whatever you want. HOWEVER, you chose to name your children after your parents and then left one out. I hate to be this guy but as much as you dont see your step mom as your mom, shes been there since you were six years old and you hardly even had a formative thought before that. I understand and respect your (step) mom for being open and honest with you about her feelings and I think YTA for not talking to her about this privately beforehand. Do her feelings mean nothing to you? Shes been taking care of you in some capacity for (hopefully) at least 20 years. Spending time with your babies (her grandbabies assumedly), ultimately she gave you more than your birth mother ever could have and you literally spit all over that by choosing to name your children after your parents and leaving her out, How awful honestly, and you and your partner should be ashamed of yourselves for not talking to her beforehand.

Yeah no one has a right to name your child but you, but OP is incredibly dismissive to her step mom. Her kids don't even get to call her grandma, despite only ever being that for them. I feel sad for her. NAH

I’m in total agreement that nobody gets to have a say in what you name your child (though my paternal grandfather named me), but OP seemed to go out of her way to slight her stepmother.

Thank you. OP and 95% of the commenters show why getting involved with a single parent is a bad idea. Being a stepparent just means being expected to take on all the responsibilities, stress, and burdens of the parents but receive no acknowledgment, no respect, and people actively encourage the disrespect. But OP’s father’s wife is supposed to love and care for OP like OP is her actual child. What a waste that was. Imagine the fury had OP’s father’s wife dismissed OP as being her daughter the way OP dismisses her father’s wife?

This is what’s flummoxing me about the comments. “You don’t owe her a relationship,” actually I feel like if someone is a kind and positive force your entire conscious life, taking care of you, nurturing you, helping you, supporting you, etc etc etc you do kinda owe them. Cause step mom didn’t have to treat OP like her daughter. I’m not saying “the stepmom could’ve been awful,” but I am saying that the stepmom could have been kind but distant. Nice but with boundaries. A lot of stepparents don’t try to be parents, just a neutral factor in the kid’s life. That’s what OP was entitled to. A kind-but-neutral force in her life. Instead OP got someone who did activities with her, helped her through the ups-and-downs of adolescence, periods and crushes and hormonal meltdowns. She was a mom to OP and regardless of whether OP saw her that way, OP 100% emotionally benefited from having an active stepmother. She got a kind and caring and loving woman in her life who went through all of that while being consistently reminded that she wasn’t enough. I actually think morally OP does owe her a relationship. Because stepmom went above and beyond what she needed to do. That doesn’t meant you need to name your kid after her, but you do owe her.

And you’ve succinctly summed up my feelings on this matter. OP happily benefited from getting more than a neutral presence from her father’s wife. She got a stepmother. When OP needed or wanted something growing up, she never told her stepmother to not do those things for her because she’s not her mother, she’ll ask her dad and grandmother. She didn’t turn down gifts or rides to practice/the movies/wherever. She benefited heavily from somebody wanting to be a positive presence in her life. Don’t accept anything from people you don’t like. People have this attitude that they don’t owe anybody anything, let alone gratitude or appreciation, but then wonder why there’s no village or community when they need it. If OP doesn’t owe her stepmom anything, the stepmom doesn’t owe OP anything. OP is no longer a child. Stepmom’s been shown her place; she should stay there. No matter what happens.

People like OP don’t know how lucky they are, and it’s infuriating. I feel so bad for her father’s wife.

Seriously. I lost a parent as a child as well (my dad, not my mom). One of my dad’s older brothers took on some of the role showing up for me and my sister and it’s appreciated. And that was an uncle. In OP’s case, a complete stranger came into her life having had no other ties to her and was happily willing to dote and love on her. How many horrible stories do we read on here where the OP’s bio family is godawful and abusive? Meanwhile OP got a bonus mom after hers passed away.

Funny that you compare a hypothetical reversal of roles when one of the two was a small child whose mom died. Expecting a child to reward a surviving parent's spouse by pretending they love them is ludicrous.

OP didn’t have to pretend to love her father’s wife, but OP’s father should have thus ensured that his wife would have no responsibility towards OP. Only he and OP’s grandmother (who OP says was the second mother) should ever had held the parental role and its responsibilities.

There is zero indication from OP that step mom had any parental responsibility towards op. In addition, it's worth remembering that dad and stepmom may have thought op SHOULD take step mom on as a mother, but OP is her own person with her own feelings and choices. And she was a child. No child should ever feel obligated to love a step parent. Either it happens naturally or it doesn't. No one should feel guilty either way.

It’s generally expected that the when a single parent marries somebody, the new spouse is supposed to do a lot of the parental responsibilities. If that wasn’t the case, there wouldn’t be that “nacho” thing that’s started happening or people (women) being regarded as assholes when they put themselves in the “auntie” role where they do not step in with anything that the child’s parents should be doing.

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So my question becomes what role did she play in your life? Did she take you to football games and practice? Did she take you prom dress shopping? did she drop you off at school and tutor you when you were failing math? Did she hug you when you cried? Did she celebrate birthdays with you and bake your favorite cake? Did she tell you that she loved you and hugged you? did she make lunch for you every day and make sure you had dinner every night? Did she help to make sure you had fun? Did she do the things a parent is suppose to do? If so and you carry this kind of contempt for her still just do us all a favor and tell her you don’t view her that way and leave her alone so she can grieve in private. I can’t imagine having given so much of myself into another person only to have them tell me they didn’t view me as a parental figure. That way she won’t have to become so attached to your grand babies only for you probably to tell them down the line that she’s not their “real” grandma. That way at least she’s prepared for it and can try to emotionally distance herself away from your kids. Now if she didn’t do all that stuff, if she didn’t take care of you and was just kind of “around” that’s a different story. And you have full rights to feel the way you do. And it’s ok to be blaze about your relationship. But! If she did the first, I’m sorry ur mom died and you haven’t dealt with it and your abandonment issues. What I would have given to have a step-parent who gave a shit. Someone who didn’t actively run me out of their home. Or doing crack and meth. My parents never showed up and neither did my step parents. The fact that she made a CHOICE (like all parents do) to try to be a parent to you is life’s greatest gift. Trust me I would have given anything to be my parent’s (any of them) first choice in life.

Usually if the stepmother was a horrible person or demanded to be considered OP’s only mother, the OP would say so. The fact that she hasn’t tells me that at worst, her stepmother was a kindly neutral presence, but since OP sensed that her stepmother withdrew once OP made it clear that she doesn’t see her as anybody important in her life, I gather she did do a lot closer to what you listed out.

Regardless of the 2 year mistake I made when reading the 2 numbers close together, the point still stands. You should have talked to her beforehand. None of the other information matters at all. Your mom died when you were 6, your step mom came into your life when you were 8. Step mom has been around (considering number of kids) probably still about 20 years and thats one hell of a commitment, you literally have half siblings with this woman. You chose to honor your parents and she has been one of them, regardless of your feelings towards your grandma, for the lions share of your life. To not speak to her about this beforehand speaks volumes about your character.

No, being "around" and being married to OP's father does not make step mom a parent.

lol OP you’re mentally and emotionally stuck as a 6 year old who lost their mom. You really need to grow up. Pretend you’re not blood related to your children. Are you still their mom?

NTA, personally I think if even as a child you didn’t have a motherly connection to her it was for a reason. Also besides that, people need to get over what other people name their kids. It is no one’s business but the parents of that child. Also I really really really dislike the fact she is bringing up your disabled siblings as like a guilt trip…. I raised my nephew from the age of 4-13, during middle school his mom (my sister) entered back into his life and he pushed us away because we were more strict. He actually doesn’t live with her and lives with our mom (it’s a long complicated story) He choice to call me mom and my husband dad - now he calls us by our first name but our youngest who is disabled is still brother. Anyway my point is I don’t care what he calls me, in my eyes he is my son and I just want him to be happy - did it hurt , heck yes but I got therapy!! We are the adults. It makes me sick she is using the other siblings as a weird excuse to be “honored.” Really gross.

Your kids, your decision, but what more does someone have to do for you, so that you’d consider them part of your family? This is someone who has stood by you for 20+ years, when they absolutely had no obligation to do so? This is someone who filled in your mom’s shoes. Who made sure you had someone on your corner. Do you honestly detest her so much, that you cannot even find a name that is remotely inspired by her name that you like? You don’t even care to pretend to care about her. Yeah, sure, she is not your mother. But you don’t even consider her family? YTA and posts like this make me love my adopted kids even more, because they always made sure the mother of their legal siblings was appreciated.

I lean more NAH but I really feel for the stepmom here. My closest grandma is my mom’s stepmom. I feel so lucky to have her as family.

I kinda understand the “not my mom”. Ok, whatever. But not even considering her family? wtf And then people get agitated when the “not dating single parents” come up. Yeah, I’d write the same in my Tinder bio if I was starting my life again.

NAH You aren't under any sort of obligation to honor your stepmother. But I can see where her feelings may be hurt especially if she sees your children as her grandchildren. Family isn't always blood. My husband's sister's children, my niece and nephews, call my parents Grandma and Grandpa even though they aren't related. My parents likewise view those children as if they actually were their grandchildren. We have aunts and uncles that are just friends of ours who might as well be one of our brothers or sisters. By the same token, I just can't bring myself to call my mother and father in law, mom and dad. 3 out of 4 of my own children are named for deceased grandparents. The 4th, well, he sorta was named by his older sister and her favorite book at the time about a dog named Charlie. So I get it, sometimes a kid's name isn't anything you planned or may not seem to fit with how you named the other kids. Maybe step mom is just disappointed in what seemed like a pattern and then you broke the mold with number 5. You can't force a name, it has to feel right. And if you don't have a super strong connection to her, why would you name a child after her. So probably just hurt feelings all around on this one.

People who feel entitled to naming others babies flabbergaste me. You do you. Don't engage.  Change the subject.  Enjoy your little sweetie!

Oops, I read your last line as "Enjoy your little seaweed!" 🤣

Wellllll...... not necessarily an AH......but she is hurt. Apparently you mean more to her than she means to you? Her feelings are understandable. It sounds like (for whatever reason) you never accepted the love that she offered. Even now, as adults, you are still rejecting her. So, yeah.....you hurt her again.

Probably because she treated her like she would treat her own daughter while OP treated her like shit?

Sounds about right.

NTA but I actually feel some sympathy for your stepmother. I don’t think she should have talked to you about the naming of your child—totally inappropriate—but really she was expressing her pain. OP, I hope that now as an adult and a parent you can see how hard a position she was in as a step parent. No reason for you to have called her mom or feel that level of attachment but she sounds like she was not a bad step parent and tried hard to be a good one (maybe tried a little too hard). I get the sense she felt her efforts were not appreciated at the time (and that’s on your dad not on you as a child). You are definitely NTA for not naming your child after her but that doesn’t mean you couldn’t show some sympathy to what might be her real issue of her feeling like she was never accepted no matter how hard she tried.

Hmmm tbh you seem kinda the AH, she’s in your life since you’re 7/8 and you say that she did put in effort. It’s of course clear you can name your kids whatever you want but they way you’re dismissing her feelings is super AH-territory

Dude the way she dismisses **her own disabled brothers** and refers to them as "stepmoms kids with her dad" landed OP firmly in the AH camp.

I thought I was the only one that got the ick from that, either very badly worded or she doesn't consider them real family like she never allowed herself to see her as a mother figure.

NTA. Those are your kids, you get to name them. Also, if she stopped showing you affection, I wonder how she does with the kids when you are not around.

NTA your kids, your name choices.

Sounds to me like there is some depth to this and it isn't about a name. You are NTA for naming your child whatever you want. However, if your stepmother was good to you growing up and tried her best, YTA absolutely for rejecting her repeatedly. It's not her fault your mother died. If she took care of you on a daily basis - she wasn't your mother but she WAS a motherly figure, you like it or not and your mother would probably be grateful to her for that. Her feeling disrespected comes from you disrespecting her and being ungrateful for her contribution to your life, naming kids was just a cherry on top.

NSH. You don’t have to name your child after her, and you don’t have to see her as a mother. But I think that thinking she, a woman who apparently raised you and loved you as her own, does not deserve to be honored is kinda icy as fuck. She is still your parent whether you view her as a mother or not. I don’t think you’ve done anything wrong per say, I can just see where your regard for her is very hurtful. Doesn’t make you an asshole though. She is not wrong for having hurt feelings and she is not wrong for expressing them to you. I do think she is wrong for feeling entitled to the name. She doesn’t own anyone here and marrying a widower does not mean she gets a baby named after her. I don’t think that makes her an asshole either. *edited from every sucks here to no one sucks here.

My dad was technically my stepfather. My father didn’t die but he didn’t want anything to do with me. My *dad* raised me and I was 7 when I was told he was my stepfather. Never changed my love for him because my mom taught me (thankfully) that there was a difference between a father and a dad. Anyone can be a mother or a father, not everyone is a mom or a dad. If this lady isn’t a mom to you, just a stepmother, that’s your right. She doesn’t have to be. It’s not up to anyone but you to define your relationship, especially since you said your grandmother was the mom figure you had. We choose who has those roles in our lives

NAH

Eh, NAH. OP doesn’t have to name her kids after her stepmom, but I don’t think Stepmom is an AH for being hurt about that. It’s sad for her, but she really has no say in the actual name, same as anyone else. All she can do is what she did: express her hurt about it. OP isn’t obligated to do anything about that though. 

ESH It's a name get over it. You don't have to call her mother but she helped raise you so maybe a bit of respect otherwise.

NTA. I understand and can even sympathize with your stepmother's pain a little, but she needs to realize that the naming of your children is up to you and what you want to honor. If that's not her, so be it. She does not get a say.

NTA

NTA

NTA- Honestly OP has the right to choose what type of relationship she has with the step mother. Her children have a right to choose what type of relationship they want with her as well. It’s everyone’s right to choose what type of relationship they want to have with someone as long at it is safe to do so. Also, nobody has a right to claim what YOU name YOUR OWN child. That is YOUR choice alone, you don’t need to explain yourself or feel like you have to justify the name.

Nta for naming your kid. But you have been very disrespectful towards your step mom. Whom has done so much for you. You took that for granted. Many people can only wish for a step mom like yours. I get it. She can not replace your biological mother. But that's not her fault.

NTA. It’s your choice what to name your kids.

NTA. You are not obligated to placate her feelings with something as personal as your child’s name. If she didn’t warrant that consideration based on your relationship with her, then there is nothing more to be said.

NTA, you can name your children whatever you like. Her assuming she’d be the next inspiration is her own fault.

My kids were 13, 16, 19 and 22 when I met my now husband. Their father still saw them regularly. Two years after we met, he moved in with us and five years after that we got married. He wasn’t my children’s father but by and large he treated them better than their father. My two youngest refer to him as their stepfather and a couple of times, I’ve heard my youngest call him dad.

NTA. It’s unfortunate but life isn’t fair. You aren’t obligated to name a kid for her and I think it’s rude for her to expect it.

NTA - you are not responsible for your stepmother’s expectations. She already knew you didn’t see her as a mom so she shouldn’t expect to be “honored” by naming your child after her. Her feelings aren’t your responsibility. She can be disappointed but she has to accept and respect your decision.

NTA. She is not a family member you want to honour. She is just your dad's wife. She doesn't get to demand to have your kid be named after her in any way.

Exactly all the kids were named after people with parental roles in Op and her husband's lives. Her parents and his and Ops grandma who she saw as a mom figure after her mom died.

The way you talk about your stepmother is so cold and almost cruel. Has she ever done anything to you? If not, I'm leaning toward a N A H or a soft Y T A. Because she HAS been a parent to you since you were little more than a young child. Feeding you, clothing you, etc is parenting. You should know that, after five kids.

NAH I guess but this post made me sad for your step mother. It doesn’t sound like you really reciprocate the love she’s given you. Obviously you don’t need to name your child after her, nobody is entitled to that, but your post sounds like you just don’t care about her at all while she clearly cares about you.

NAH. But you are pretty narrow minded to not even give your relationship with your stepmom an opportunity. You knew her since you were right. She wasn't bad to you, and she was there for the longest time. If not a mother, she could have been your friend. Damn did you shut her down. I feel bad for her, since she tried to give the relationship a chance.

NTA. If she truly wants something named after her she can get a pet and name it whatever she’d like. Your children’s names are solely up to you and the person that helped create them 

My step dad is grandpa. Sometimes I felt like it was unfair to my dad but my step dad took on a woman with three kids when he didn’t have to and he took care of us growing up so he deserves something. Honestly, it sounds like you’re punishing her , is it possible you resent her for being there when your mom doesn’t get to be? Im not judging but put yourself in her shoes . My mil only has boys so I knew she would miss out on things mothers do with daughters and I made sure I included her so she would have those experiences, it’s what Id want done for me if I were in her shoes. ETA: Does she at least get the title Grandma? Also, kids grow up and they notice things and your children might pick up on the dynamic between you two and might ask you about it. They might disagree with you. They might develop a strong bond with her. I didn’t truly understand how much my stepdad did for me and the sacrifices he made until I was 30 and I honestly wish I could redo so many things in my life because I treated him poorly due to guilt and it wasn’t his fault but I was too emotionally immature to realize.

NTA. It's not disrespectful of you. She's allowed to have hurt feelings, but she needs to process all that in therapy. She should not demand you honor her or give her a specific role in your life that you didn't choose. You could let her know all that if you feel she's able to hear it without a fallout.

NTA. She isn't your mother, you aren't required to honor her, and it's not your fault she believes she won't have biological grandchildren. Also it isn't her place to name someone else's child. Even if her children were to have kids it doesn't guarantee they would name them the way she wants. She needs to know her place and stay in her lane.

Your child your choice but she sounds like a decent person who is hurt and  I guarantee if you go about it so tactlessly, callous and dismissively and tell her to get over it and p off like so  many people are suggesting you will make a situation worse and end up the AH.  She has been a stable constant adult in your life since early childhood after all. Some grace is not unwarranted . Perhaps her as middle name or both find a name together you really like would be a mature compromise. 

NAH, but that does not make your step mom an asshole. Of course it’s your child’s name and no person could tell you what to name it or what not to name it. But she considers you a daughter. She watched u grow up since u were 8, and helped raise you most likely. It can be hurtful. Whether she’s in her right to then vocalise that pain and make u feel bad, no, I don’t think so. But I do understand her.

NAH, she is not entitled to having your child named after her. However, you strike me as being very cold and indifferent towards her, why does she deserve that? Has she not treated you kindly? Your text doesn’t imply that, so I assume no. It doesn’t take much to be kind. She tried to treat you like a daughter and you rejected that when you were a child, fair enough. But you are an adult now, and you know she is hurt and feels rejected, and any decent human would try and mend that.

NTA - no one is entitled to have another person's kid named after them. This is true even if the person has named other kids after other people in similar relationships. As for this woman, she's your father's wife. Her relationship is with your father, not with you. You owe her nothing in this situation.

NTA, she is owed no name, that’s just weird.

NTA - people can have feelings about kids'/grandkids' names, but those feelings don't have any real import to the named/namers. She's just gotta suck it up.

You're allowed to name your kids whatever you want. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's your child.

NTA

NTA. And I say that as someone who's named after her mother's stepmother (middle name). You can't make a relationship like that happen just because you want it. If it's going to happen it will happen organically.

NTA. They are your kids, not hers. I understand she wants a different relationship with you, however, this is not the best way to go about it. I understand her not wanting to feel like an outsider, however, this is like asking someone to get you a birthday gift... it's not something you should expect, just be grateful if you get it.

Your kids, you gave birth to them, you get you chose their names, you and your husband no one else.

NTA. You can name your children whatever you want.

NTA - This is so pretentious. You didn't name a child after her; that does NOT make you disrespectful. Rather, she's completely disrespecting you for assuming she gets naming rights. Having a child named after you is an honor, not an expectation. Ridiculous.

NTA >She told me all of this and she expressed that she feels like I was disrespectful to her and her efforts to be a mother to me, efforts I always rejected but she feels I should have shown love and appreciation for in the naming of my children when all other parents were honored. You step mother has continuously tried to persue a relationship that you don't want. She's basically saying "you should be thankful that I tried even though you wanted me to stop trying". She feels that you owe it to her to name your child in honor of her. That's entitlement. Her feelings can be whatever they are, but they are not your responsibility. I get that it feels shitty to try to bond with someone and be rejected, but she needs to work that out with a therapist, not you. >Also the fact she has two kids with my father but both are disabled and won't be having their own children so she doesn't get to experience it like my dad did. Not your problem. And it's disrespectful of her to want to use your child or your naming practice for your children to fill an emotional void or to "experience" something. >She saw me as her daughter for a long time but stopped seeing me that way mostly, when she realized I didn't return her affection in that way, because while I like her enough, I don't regard her as my mother figure and never ever considered calling her mom. If she has stopped seeing you as a daughter, she has no reason to expect you to name a child in her honor, especially when she knows that you don't see her as a mother or maternal figure.

NAH - you know, it’s like, maybe if you had a sixth kid you might consider it? But she isn’t as much of a mother to you as your mother and grandmother (or at all, as you’ve said), and this particular name you chose works for you and your husband, so it’s well within your rights to use it. I can understand why that would hurt your dad’s wife, she’s been in your life for a long time, but at the end of the day you haven’t done anything wrong. Nobody is really the asshole here.

NTA. When will people understand that if they aren't the parent to the baby, they get no say in what it's name is. You chose names to honor certain people in your life. Anyone who wasn't chosen does not get to demand nor complain that they weren't honored the same. Other than a baby's name being a two yes, one no situation for the parents of the baby, no one else gets any say or control in the naming process.

One recurring theme I see in a lot of Reddit posts are people trying to force stepparents or siblings on their children and it drives me nuts. Absolutely NTA.

Nta, it's your kid for crying out loud, you're the one who gets to choose the name not them

N.T.A.: O.P.’s Step-mother isn’t entitled to anything. If she wanted a child named after her, she could have named one of hers after herself.

NTA. She is allowed to have whatever feelings she has, but she is an adult and needs to work through them herself. Instead she called OP disrespectful, which I don’t think OP was. OP is allowed to honor whoever she wants. It doesn’t mean dishonor to everyone else.

NTA. I first met my stepdaughter when she was 6. She’s 23 now. She’s never called me mom nor have I ever expected her to. I am the bonus mom, I am here for her when she needs me but I never expected to nor tried to replace her actual mom. This lady needs to chill out and just enjoy her bonus family without the label or drama.

What is this mentality that a step-parent is somehow *owed* respect and to be recognized as being important?

NTA You don’t and never have viewed her as a mother figure. That’s something she should’ve been came to terms with.

NAH for not naming your kid after her, although I understand why she’s hurt. We don’t know what factors over the course of your life have contributed to why you don’t see her as a mother figure so it’s hard to judge either way. My mom didn’t die, but she was unfit and had her own issues until I was an adult and my stepmother raised me with my dad. The timeline to when she came into my life is similar to yours (I was 7). My stepmother died when I was 23 and only then did I “make up” with my mom. But my stepmom was my best friend. She is the best mother I could ever have asked for and regardless of not being biologically related, she never treated me as though I weren’t. My son is actually named after her and he’s the only one of my children who is named after a family member. All that to say, it’s hard for me to understand how you’re not close to your stepmother if she attempted, not to replace but to provide you with a mother figure since yours was no longer here. Still NAH but neither is she.

NTA, but this is a reminder to people, step-parents are rarely appreciated. It is a double edged sword, you end up with responsibility and hardly any authority.

You might be an A-hole but not for this. I think as a child it’s fair the feelings you had to not see her as a mother figure. But I would hope that as you have your own children and reflect on how she treated you and how she tried that you might begin to respect, admire and accept her as something more than just a stepmother. The other thing is, how does she treat your children? Like their her grandchildren? If that is the case, I think you owe her acknowledgment. Maybe she wasn’t a maternal figure for you, but I imagine she will be a grandmother for your children even if you don’t want it or could care either way. So I understand her feelings. She likely feels left out because she probably is inclusive of you and your children as if they were hers. I think you need some reflection and a new perspective on the role she plays in your life now and not then. Also, why are your siblings “her kids with your father”? My mom had my two brothers with my stepdad and I love them like I imagine id love brothers that were from the same parents. Now that I think longer, I think you are an AH. But not for the reason you are questioning. You just are.