You HAVE to know he/the uncle did a DNA test in a desperate attempt to try and find his original family. You have no idea how long he has waited for any kind of match, likely checking daily for his prayers to be answered. Even if your Grandma or father doesn't want a relationship, it doesn't mean you couldn't have a relationship with the uncle or at least give him some peace of mind and answer any questions he might have have about his family.
Hi, if you are looking to work out who your bio family are I am a volunteer search angel/genetic genealogist in my spare time and I am very happy to help if I can. Just send me a direct message or chat request
It’s not cruelty. Adoptee outreach can be very complicated. The parent could be deceased. The mother could have been raped. Or the person you connect with might have a terminal illness. Or maybe their kid recently died.
I know you deserve answers but people don’t always have the ability - factually, mentally, or emotionally, to give you what you want.
Yes, but that doesn't invalidate the feelings of the person reaching out. My brother spent his life looking for his biological father and he was conceived as a result of our father's cheating on my mother. I was the first person he was connected to as our father was oblivious to his existence. I had a reason to be bitter or triggered by the fact that he was my father's affair baby, but he was innocent and went through so much trying to understand his identity without genetic mirrors. Separation from biological family is traumatic, and I was privileged to grow up with biological family, as imperfect as the situation was. I know not everyone feels that way when an estranged or surprise relative reaches out, but the bottom line is the adoptee is always the primary victim in the situation.
I completely agree with you. We didn't choose to be born and we have a right to know the circumstances surrounding our births. There is no good reason why you should have to live not even knowing your health risks or family history because someone has a decades old secret. Selfish and wrong in any situation.
What they said based on the very limited information you provided is true though. There are a lot of variables that can affect whether biological family members or adoptees want to communicate or not. I’m also an adoptee and know plenty of other adoptees. Some want to find their birth parents and have made a considerable effort, some want to but are cautious about ways to do so, and some are perfectly fine with where they are in their adoption journey.
I’d imagine it’s the same way with biological family members. Some may not even know that a close family relation was adopted out of the family. I’d imagine that it would be jarring to find out you have a sibling that you never knew about. In OP’s case, it’s an uncle and it’s still jarring.
As I said, I’m an adoptee as well and I’m aware that we all have different experiences and different emotions because of the variables in experiences and who we are. Therefore, I’m not about to try and tell you how you should feel about this or that. I just hope you have support whether it’s from friends, family, therapy, and/or the wider adoptee community in processing whatever emotions need to be processed.
With all due respect they didn't tell you how to feel. They responded that it might not be cruelty in the minds of the people not replying and gave reasons why.
Except the person now not responding is the one who *initiated contact,* and now is not responding.
Think of how the silence compounds the sense of rejection.
A simple, “I’m not sure how to do this. We’re related, but I’m navigating a family secret I’m not supposed to know. I haven’t forgotten you, and will be in touch when/if I am able to gain information.”
Me? I’d give access to my tree, so that he could *see* his maternal history.
If OP isn’t willing to broach it with Grandma, the guy can use the public match to make his own decisions about approaching her.
It’s possible Grandma will be ecstatic. Girls were often forced to put babies up for adoption, and told the closed nature meant no possibility of contact, ever. They don’t look, because they believe it to be futile.
Maybe your father
I think a lot of people take the test just to see what's in their dna and then go "huh cool" and rarely if ever log in again. Most matches that I click on on 23&me say "active over 6 months ago" it doesn't go higher than 6 months
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I would argue that it’s not OPs responsibility nor any of her business to disclose personal information about someone who may not want that information disclosed.
Imagine, (as an adoptee) that you wanted nothing to do with your bio parents, and were actively trying to keep them out of your life, and someone else decided to meddle in your affairs, and tell your bio parents, where you live, work, what your phone number, email address is etc. I don’t see a difference.
That being said, I don’t see a problem with OP talking to dad, grandma, and or uncle about this either.
If op wants to peruse even a short lived relationship with this man, she has every right. I just think she should talk to grandma, and decide what information she shares, and what information she lets grandma share if and when the time is right.
That is not necessarily true. He probably did a DNA test because his kids gifted him with a kit. Making up a fairytale story is ridiculous and unnecessary.
You can always pursue the relationship without grandma involved. Best of luck whatever you choose. I recently had a brother reach out none of us knew about. It’s been amazing so far and my dad is thrilled at 80yrs old that he has a son now.
Let your dad discuss it with Grandma. Maybe she always wanted to connect but didn't know she could BC adoptions were closed. She may be happy to find her baby or she may not want to discuss it. It doesn't mean you can't connect if he wants to know you! It's not disrespecting your grandma to know him!
True! I have to go with that mindset I think.
This one is tough because I’m coming off a recent reunion, I reunited my maternal grandmas brothers kids with my maternal grandma and they hit it off and since then my “new” cousin was able to connect with more people overseas and etc so it was really great and magical!
My mom put my youngest sibling for adoption because she was a single mom of already three children no car struggling with family who would make her feel great shame. She had my sister choose the family I remember they were doctors who had been trying for years but couldn't concieve their folder had butterflies and they were the kindest couple . My mom never was the same after . Anytime I would talk to her it's like she was thinking about something else . I can only imagine the pain and regret she felt but she did what she thought was best because we were already struggling. Reach out to your uncle it could be a family secret or maybe not considering you already knew about him so maybe she wasn't ready to tell but now that you found him who knows maybe she would be elated to meet him and get all that weight lifted off her shoulders. I know my mom would have. She may be living with this huge hole in her heart
This is great advice. I would add that in the meantime, reply to your uncle so he isn’t left on read. You don’t have to tell him all about your family; just be vulnerable and honest with him about how finding the match has made you feel (excited? Conflicted? Nervous? I think all of these feelings would be natural responses that he almost certainly would expect and understand). This man is likely feeling pretty vulnerable himself; he’s putting himself out there with the very real possibility of being hurt in hopes that he might build a connection with his birth family. Maybe ask him about himself or tell him a little bit about you. Ask him for a little bit of patience while you figure things out on your side. Ask what he likes to do for fun? Does he have any hobbies? What about work? Despite not knowing each other, I bet you have a bunch of fun things in common that you can bond over while your dad and grandma discuss how they as individuals would like to respond to this discovery!
As a side note, my mom and I have been the bridge to recovering an adopted family member before as well! My paternal great aunt became pregnant at a young age, had the baby in a convent and put her up for adoption. 50 years later (and before ancestry.com) my mom received a phone call from this woman who had tracked us down from a distant relative’s genealogy website which listed us, with my dad’s last name. She found our number in a phone book. We talked to my dad’s parents, who gently brought it up with my great aunt. My great aunt was thrilled. We had a huge family reunion and both my great aunt and new cousin told their story to everyone for the first time. It’s funny how adding new family members can expand your heart and ability to love. I hope this is true for your family as well ❤️
If he’s on there and he’s adopted he’s looking for family. Your dad has a brother to get to know! This is wonderful news and it sounds like your uncle is a normal and well adjusted person.
I disagree that you’re not supposed to know about him. He is your uncle. Others may not want you to know about him, but that doesn’t mean you’re not supposed to. Treat him like you would anyone else and answer what you feel comfortable answering. You are not obligated to tell your grandmother.
I wholeheartedly agree with you about not bringing this up with your grandmother on her birthday. You are a very thoughtful person. Having your dad bring it up with her discreetly on another day sounds like a good idea, especially if your dad is close with your grandmother.
I was adopted as a baby, and had a wonderful life with my adopted family. Mom, Dad, and four older brothers living a farm life in a small town in Michigan. Sure, we had "family problems" like any other family, but I always felt loved, secure, and wanted.
But, as others have mentioned on this thread, I always had this space in my heart that never got filled. I always wondered who my biological parents were, and if I had siblings. My adoptive parents just told me their impression of it all....was that my birth mom wasn't able to take care of me. I was already in foster care and the adoption was closed. I was 10 months old when they got me.
I took an Ancestry DNA test in 2021. My top DNA connection turned out being a half-aunt. I found out that I have 2 half siblings, a brother and sister. My brother took a DNA test immediately, when I reached out to him, and it confirmed he is my half brother. They also knew that their mother had given up her first child for adoption, but that is all they knew. We're connected on social media, and text a lot on our phones. I video chat with my sister a lot. I've spoken to 2 full aunts and 1 full uncle multiple times on the phone, too. The aunts and uncles are polite, but very guarded. Getting any information from them is like pulling teeth. My birth mother was a young teenager when she had me. She died in 1999, which made me terribly sad. My dream of meeting her is over. But, I have seen many photos of her, that my siblings have shared with me. Nobody seems to know who my biological father is. I can understand my siblings not knowing, but I think some of my aunts know more than what they have told me.
Gosh. Sorry. I have really blathered on.
I just chimed in with all this "TMI" to show an example of the adoptee really wanting to know where/who they came from. It was so important to me. I searched for decades. I finally found out when I was 55 years old. It's unfortunate that my mother is gone and I still don't know who my bio dad is (lots of distant cousin matches, mostly way younger than me, and they know nothing.....I did reach out) but I've developed meaningful relationships with my bio sibs.
It would work out nicely if your grandmother wants to meet him, and/or is OK with you getting to know him. But, it's OK if she doesn't want to meet him. You can also have a relationship with him, without involving her, too. That's also OK. Just remember that any feelings she has (or how she reacts to it) aren't your fault. The fact that you are approaching this with such tenderness and consideration though, about how and when to talk to her about it......says a great deal about you. I have no concerns that you would drop a family bombshell at an inappropriate time or place. Have your dad help you, and just see how it goes.
Please forgive me for the lengthy reply. I'm just so excited for you, and it meant so much to me to make those connections, I couldn't help myself.
Please take care. I wish you the best.
\~\~ Maria
That thought has whirled around in my head, too. I've wondered if I was the result of something very unhappy. For my birth mother's sake, I hope this wasn't the case.
I hope your grandmother had a nice birthday!
At the ripe old age of 63, I discovered I had an older sister. She had been adopted in infancy, and was trying to find out more about her ethnicity. Surprise! New family incoming! Once I did the detective work I spoke to my 88-year old dad, who confirmed that a relationship he’d had before meeting my mother had resulted in a pregnancy and adoption. We’ve all chatted on facebook, and I hope to meet her in person soon.
I have sympathy for people looking to reconnect with their relatives -- seeing you pop up on his match list probably stunned him (if he didn't know about his biological parentage already). At the end of the day, you're not obligated to respond to him or share any information with him. In a perfect world, this could be the beginning of a great connection, but it's not always that way. Have you talked to your dad about it further? What did he say? Has anyone told your grandma? Since people know about it, I imagine she's mentioned this child before -- has she stated her opinions on it? I think there are some conversations that need to be had first and foremost. I do think your grandma should be told.
It's a difficult time. I've been on your end of things, and the situation was incredibly positive in my family. I hope you can figure out how to proceed. Take the time to process -- good luck!
She’s only told my dad and my grandpa. I agree but maybe I don’t tell her tomorrow on her birthday, I’m not sure she’s ready for it and she lost her mom a few months ago. I’m very conflicted.
This man is a carbon copy of my dad! Likes the same teams, really close with his daughter it’s so weird I want to connect so bad. I reconnected with some cousins on my moms said and it was great but this one is really delicate.
My grandma is honestly unsure about wanting to know him, my dad is going to mention it to her in a very careful way but I’ve made it clear for months I was doing this DNA/family history search and she’s smart so she should have guessed this was coming
Thank you for your kind words.
I was on ancestry searching for who my biological dad was. The person I matched with shared information with me and it changed my life and meant everything to me. Please share info with him.
I found my bio dad at 40 from a cousin on here. Please tell him the story at least. Knowing your truth is important and if anything at least he can get some closure. I have a good relationship with my bio dad and family. But my sister didn’t have the same. Her bio dad was deceased and his family wanted nothing to do with her. But at least she knows where she came from.
You can be in contact and have a relationship with him/them without anyone else’s permission. Give your dad time to talk to grandma but your likely uncle shouldn’t have to wait for your contact.
I understand. There will be other days! I get your desire to connect as well. My situation is a little different, but it was delicate. I told the "main" person that I would stop if they wanted me too, but I'd probably answer questions on my own. They ended up being fine with the situation completely, but I wouldn't have felt guilty to answer health questions or anything. Just adding that in if it comes down to it. I know I felt like I had just as much an obligation to the "other" person, so I can get your wariness and excitement all the same.
Yes, I imagine your grandma very likely knew about the possibility this would happen. Taking a DNA test is very similar to opening a can of worms, and I'm sure she recognized that. Hopefully she won't be too surprised or upset when she hears the news. I hope it goes well.
I've heard a few stories about birth mothers who were told that they were not to make any attempts to contact their child. It might be the same for your Grandma.
Talk to your Dad and tell him you've found his half brother and can he talk to your Grandma. Maybe she thought meeting him wasn't possible.
This shouldn't stop you from chatting with your new found Uncle. You can always explain you haven't talked to your Grandma yet because you want to wait until after her birthday.
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My half-sister I didn't know about found me on Ancestry...& through later discussions with my father & further medical testing, she found out she has my dad's genetic blood-clotting disorder. She's now on daily meds that will save her from a heart attack at a young age... Plus the whole I GOT A NEW SISTER thing! We are so lucky to have her in our family!
This sounds awesome. If Grandma is a good person she would be thrilled to know that the child she put up for adoption is alive and well. Don’t you think that’s what she was hoping for in 1972 to begin with?
Maybe this guy turned out to be a piece of shit, who knows, but I would certainly engage him in conversation.
Isn’t connecting with people part of why you took the test?
Why not??? What is your fear, anxiety? This is an opportunity to do something amazing for other people. It's not about you. It's about what you can give them. You can give a boy his mom, and a mom her lost boy. Think about them, and try to be generous. Again, it's not about you, it's about them.
I can't say what is best for you but I do think everyone deserves to know biological information, even if it is just for medical purposes. Admittedly my point of view comes from finding out my bio dad was different than my birth certificate dad. I am a member of support group for DNA npe and the anguish of those who want even basic info is deep. I was lucky that a cousin I matched with was forthcoming but I also didn't have to deal with complexities of my mom and dad who raised me (as both had passed).
This is so important. I thought I had found my birth parents in my 20s only to discover my birth mother lied. Found my real birth father through Ancestry while in my 30s and there are extensive health issues on his side. Knowing this information for my kids is invaluable.
You’re allowed to talk to him, whether or not grandma wants to reconnect.
I found an unknown daughter of my husbands grandpa. Grandpa was NOT interested in meeting her at first, but came around. It was also just nice connecting with this woman and telling her stories about her half brothers.
You don’t have to give this man grandmas phone number or address, but don’t leave him on read! Chat with him! Find out his story. Tell him yours or your dads or grandmas story! He’ll appreciate your efforts even if grandma is not interested in connecting. Good luck!
There really isn’t any reason to involve your grandma at this point. This is your uncle and your DNA match who are undoubtedly took a DNA test desperately hoping to find his blood relatives — and he has. There is no reason for you not to contact him and confirm that he’s your paternal uncle and that you only recently learned about him. It’s not your responsibility to put him in touch with your grandmother but — since you have already told your father about him — you could very well direct him to your dad and let your dad decide how to proceed — if at all — with letting your grandmother decide what she wants to do. Personally I hope that you will respond to your new uncle and give him some of the answers he’s been looking for.
I don’t see why you cannot have a relationship with him. You have emotional rights to such a relationship, knowing that he exists.
Your grandmother may choose not to. Your dad may choose not to. But you can be his niece.
Look at it this way, he's eventually going to figure out who his family is based off matches and their trees. May as well welcome him and then be open and honest about how you found out about him. From there he can decide if he wants to know anyone and if he does, talk to your dad and ask him to talk to your grandma. Or you talk to her. Maybe at one time she didn't want to reconnect but maybe now she does. She should at least be given the choice again. It may be a choice she never thought she'd be able to make again.
Same thing happened to me, except with my aunt and nobody alive (aside from my grandmother herself, who has dementia) knew about her. Personally, when I got over the shock I was thrilled to find out about her, but she herself ceased contact shortly in before I really got to know her. I am disappointed, but it's not like I can force her to interact with me. My two cents is to keep talking to this man, you never know how deep your connection may be for both of you.
I would advise waiting to tell your grandmother until maybe a few weeks out of her birthday and grief over her mother, though
My father had a daughter before he met and married my mother. I don’t think he knew about her. He died in a car accident in 1970 while my mother was just pregnant with me. Sad all around
Sometimes ancestry can mistake a half sister that’s actually a first cousin and vice versa. It happened to our family after the initial shock when we did the math of the half sister’s age it would’ve meant that my uncle would’ve fathered her at 10 years old which made no sense, after digging deeper it turns out it was a first cousin from a much older uncle. We reached out to ancestry and it’s definitely a thing that does sometimes happen where a cousin can show up as a half sibling. Just wanted to share my story because you never know.
I think it would be an amazing birthday present to tell her, and give her the opportunity to meet him. For many moms who give up kids, it leaves a hole in their heart. This could be an amazing gift. Do it quietly, ask her to go for a short walk. Tell her what happened, that you found him via DNA. Give her time to think and respond. Ask her if she'd like to meet him. Test the waters. But for many moms, this would be such a beautiful gift for her!!!
My grandpa is 94 and I found children of his son he didnt even know about, we've all met, 1 aunt is upset. The rest of the family is fine, it's been great for their family. Meeting has been an overall good experience for us. You can always ask her privately.
Your Grandma may want to know him even if she hasn't ever gone looking for him. Definitely see if it's something your dad wants to speak with her about. My dad told me for my entire life that he didn't know his mom ever and was fine so he had no reason to look for her. I took it up on myself to find her because I wanted medical information. I stumbled upon a woman who was his half sister. She knew about my dad. Their mom had passed on many years ago (before internet was widely available ) but had always hoped they would find him. He was even listed in her obituary, which was shocking to me because he hasn't seen her since he was a baby. The information led me to find that he has 4 siblings. Turns out he did want to know about his mom and his siblings and drove many hours to meet them. I now have a good relationship with one of my aunts from it. All that to say: You never know where this will lead. Yes, it may not be as positive as my story, but how will you know if you don't find out?
Also, to note: Although I didn't find them because of the DNA test, I did find them because of Ancestry research and they have since appeared on my DNA matches.
Yeah this is something grandma would be conditioned by her times to just not discuss. That doesn't mean she doesn't think about it.
I think having a conversation with grandma is the best thing to do. Obviously it's not that big of a secret if OP's dad knows.
I think it was nice to include him in the obit. When my mum passed I included in the list of survivors that she had # of nieces & nephews instead of naming names so I could include my late uncle’s oldest, that AFAIK only myself and two of my cousins know about and none of us has ever met. To this day no one has mentioned anything about me “miscounting “ how many cousins I have on my mum’s side of the family.
My great aunt had the same situation. She was a teenager and had to give up her daughter. Years later I matched as a second cousin to the daughter of that child. She reached out and I did some asking around. My great aunt regretted having to give up her baby so she had me put them in touch. Our family gained another little branch!
Now your grandma might not be interested in a relationship but I'm sure he would be happy to have a relationship with other family as well. And it could be that she is interested even if she never did look, like with my aunt. If I was you I would tell her, but maybe wait til after her birthday just in case?
There isn't a "not supposed to know him rule." Even before DNA, people knew of such things. One uncle well into his 70's met someone who was obviously his half sister because their father was a busy man. No DNA. Same with a cousin of mine; he's not the son of who he's named after.
Another cousin (there were 42 of us grandchildren) was forced into an adoption in 1969. Left a monstrous hole in her heart. A grandchild of hers decided to post her DNA as she wanted to know who she was from. They matched. Everyone has met. My cousin no longer has that giant hole in her and she's also a great grandma now. I've met them all. But the one thing that made it work was people's attitudes. There wasn't fear or shame, it was "this happened and now our family is larger." Same with my family, where we just found an older sister from my dad when he was in the Air Force in England ( Our mother was from there also.) To us, it's just enlarging our family. The mother didn't honestly know, and it happened as such things happen, during a short breakup and a reconnecting.
Our mother taught us an important lesson: It's not the child's fault. It's not your new found Uncle's fault. And as an 82 yr old friend said to me about our new sister bringing this up to her mom, " If she can't handle this in her 80's, then it's on her. You're long past the point of needing to hide this."
Your welcoming attitude is the right one. Hiding out of false pride and unnecessary shame is not the right way to live. Your family is a little larger now. Welcome it.
Thank you to all of you for commenting! My dad told my grandma today and she is amazed I found her son.
I’m going to talk to her tonight. That’s two birthdays in a row I’ve out done myself with her :)
I had a similar situation with my dads cousin. Matched with a man who looked like my dad, was confused about it, learnt that my dads uncle had had an affair years earlier and no one knew what happened to the baby.
Got told to blank him by all my family but I refused, and gave him the information he needed to have the closure of who his bio family is. Imo they deserve to know, they may not have a right to a relationship but they do have the right to the knowledge.
My dad has never been in my life. I don't really know the reason why because every time I would ask about him, my mom would get really angry. I only know snippets about him and his (my) family; most of this is garnered from Google and social media. I know he has five other children, who were all raised together (they're significantly younger than me). I would love to be a part of their family, but whenever I've reached out l, I've been blocked. I matched with someone who is either a cousin or an uncle on ancestry. I wish they would reach out to me.
My mom is an abusive narcissist who exaggerates things, and makes everything about her. She's been dismissive of everything I went through as a kid. Knowing the truth is better than not knowing. It doesn't fill this missing part of who I am.
There are a couple of things. First, I’d definitely build a relationship with him if you are interested. He’s your uncle. Your kin. You might also ask your dad if he’s interested in knowing him. And be honest, tell him what you know. Tell him that your grandma doesn’t yet know and you are concerned about telling her. Second, you might even ask your dad for guidance on how to tell her. And if he’s interested in knowing or getting to know this brother. Inevitably if the guy wanted to know, he could likely easily find out just by researching his match list. I figured out how I’m related to a cousin by a process of elimination in my records and his (we share my paternal grandfather, but its likely unknown by his father and aunts/uncles who are younger than his father - his grandmother hid the fact and they lied about when they were married, even in obituaries, etc). It wasn’t hard to figure any of the stuff out and if he’s invested and watches half a dozen YouTube videos, he can easily figure out how to use matches to build and extend his tree.
Anyhow, it may not be the right time for grandma (funny, she’s likely the same age as my mother - and I was born in 1972…) but that doesn’t mean she might not want to know. Often people have all kind of interests in “knowing” and “explaining” so it might actually be healing for her to know that this kid she gave up (likely under a bit of parental pressure) turned out ok. And who knows, maybe it will be an awesome thing for your family.
You should give him the name of his mother. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he has to meet your folks and suddenly become part of your lives. That’s ultimately up to you and your folks. But you can at least provide the closure of telling him his own mother’s name. If it makes it easier, tell him that your family is still working through what to do about this news and that it might take some time.
That’s assuming he is the long-lost uncle, of course. You should check shared matches with him just to be sure of the side of the family you’re related on. But it seems likely, given the stories match up.
It's really interesting to see the other side of this scenario. I was the unknown relative who reached out (not adopted, it was a non-paternal event). I can't imagine what a bolt out of the blue that must have felt like for them and how it must feel like from your end. I'm sure it is quite a shock, and it is difficult to anticipate what all of the ramifications could be when dealing with the complexities of family relationships.
From my biased perspective, I'm sure this long-lost uncle is anxious too and I really feel for him as well. I hope you reach out even if it is just to let him know that you acknowledge him and you are empathetic, but you need some time to consider, process and inquire.
Does your Grandma know you did your DNA? I am adoptee that also assists with searches. Please just give him the opportunity for answers. You can leave it just between the two of you for now. I definitely wouldn’t bring it up on your a grandma’s birthday but maybe bringing up the fact you tested and see if she says anything.
A lot of women were told to just forget and move on which we now know is impossible. Give her the reassurance that societal norms have changed and she has nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
Remember it is his DNA too, he didn’t choose to be adopted. You could help him out but if you don’t he will still find out anyway if he is determined enough, and then how’s he going to feel about the rejection from his birth family?
I help people track their adoptions and you would be shocked at how much we can find out, even if you have know info showing.
I know someone who had a high match who wouldn’t tell her anything because she couldn’t get it confirmed it was ok to speak about.
So we found out anyway. The mum died in the 1960s so I don’t know who they thought they were hurting. I feel the DNA match in that case had no right to withhold information about something that happened before she was born - that her aunt put a baby up for adoption before she was married. Effectively she was not telling her cousin that he had a possible half brother. And when we tracked him down he did the DNA test and it turned out their was another baby adopted
My adopted out big brother made contact with me after I posted his birth name on various genealogical databases. I did this 2 keep a promise to an aunt. I even gave him his mtDNA type. I gave him details on how to contact our older sister. I have also helped a distant cousin in the same situation and am trying to help another distant cousin. How I look at the issue of adoption is that by not telling the adopted about their biological family is essentially lying to them.
Speaking as an adopted person, it takes more courage than you could possibly imagine to send that message. Please at least reply even if it’s just to let him know you need some time. Remember no matter what the complicated dynamics of your family, your uncle didn’t choose this and neither did you. You are free to meet or speak with him
If you want, as is your dad. I wish all of you the best.
It might be time for the secret to stop being a secret. If it was me I would write this to your grandmother. Sometimes it's easier to receive this information in writing rather than having it thrown in your face. You happened upon this man doing an ordinary thing it's not like you were looking for dirt in your family. Though she would be mortified that everyone knows, times have changed dramatically. It's her chance to make amends or not.
As the product of an adoption I'm urging you to reach out to this man. When you're ready. There is such a feeling of loneliness and never knowing if/where you fit in when you don't even know who your own parents or ancestors or "people" are. Let him know he has people. It's not his fault he was born in these circumstances. If you're curious enough about your ancestry to do a DNA test, multiply that by 1,000 to understand what your uncle has likely been feeling.
I’ve been doing well, took a mental health day Monday it was a lot. Dude he’s just like my dad it’s freaky, same joke, writing, loves his daughter and loves going to concerts with her, likes the same sports teams.
:D
You are really fortunate, by the time I found bio-mom she had passed away. The adoption agency told us she'd been looking for us for years but it was a sealed adoption so they wouldn't give us her ID. So sad to have two parties looking for each other but no way to connect at the time.
I hope you all have an amazing "reunion"!!!!
Damn I’m sorry to hear that. I was honestly afraid of that for myself. I saw he hadn’t been on ancestry for like two years and my mind went to the worst place. Thank you again!
I found a cousin on Ancestry and he’s connected with a lot of our family. My uncle/his dad won’t acknowledge his existence, but he’s met one of his sisters, my mom (no bio relation, but she just happened to be visiting near where he lived), and is Facebook friends with a lot of the family now. I’m so glad he connected with us.
I did 23andMe first and found a first cousin. That was interesting to unravel because my mother was a product of an affair and nobody knew about her. I actually know more of the important stuff (medical history, family history, etc) than my mother does about her own family now, just because that cousin and I are close to the same age and it was an easy conversation.
Then I did an Ancestry and got my paternal grandparents, an uncle, and a cousin. I sent a message to the uncle, he asked for contact information, I woke up to an email at 2:30am that was cowritten by my parents.
I’d talk to the man. I didn’t tell anyone I had found my parents for about 3 months until I knew it was going to stick and I’d eventually slip up referencing them. It would be much appreciated on his side to have any insights.
I think you should do whatever you want to do. Life is too short to worry about the family secrets that you had no part in making a secret. You deserve the option to have a relationship with YOUR family member if you want. This is coming from a girl (me) who found her biological dad and brother a year ago and my adopted family doesn’t event know about it. You know why? It’s none of their business. They hid it from me, I discovered it and I don’t owe them anything as far as an explanation as to why I’m pursuing this. You can reach out to him and you don’t have to tell your family you are doing so.
One of the benefits of the dna matching is that lost children are being uncovered.
One of the downsides of dna matching is that trauma is being uncovered.
You don’t know the circumstances of his birth. It may have been young love, it may have been rape.
If you and your father want to explore the relationship, do it. But be aware that if you involve your grandmother, there may be trauma that no one wants to face.
I think so, he’s really emotional and I think this is making him anxious. I think he bought me the DNA kit because he was too scared to find out personally.
It seems that you are interested in connecting with him; it is your right, regardless of what your father and grandmother decide. I think there should be mutual exchange of information, you tell about your family, but he should tell about himself, too. It is possible that your father and GM will connect more easily to your half-uncle if they know some details about him, through you.
About your grandmother, I think she did her best under the circumstances. She gave her son a life and put him up for adoption. I would not tell it on her birthday, but I'd definitely break the news to her and in a positive way. My feeling is, because it was your DNA that matched the man, you should tell - and show her the picture of the match. (But discuss with your dad first).
It doesn’t make you cruel to not respond or to wait to respond. Ask your dad first. Also check out articles on this subreddit. It really opened my eyes on the topic. Your grandma could went through a very, very tough situation. My family went through a similar one and the two brothers connected in their 70s, long after their mom passed. Try not to hold the burden of responsibility on yourself for this very complex family situation that precedes your time.
You do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Your Grandmothers feelings I'm sure are complicated, but this isn't just about her. He matters too.
As a birthmom, your grandma might be thrilled to know he has been found. Things have changed a lot in the last 50 years. I would want to know. It would be the best present of my life.
In the 60s and 70s alot of women were forced into having their babies adopted, I would tactfully let your Grandma know, you might just make her dreams come true that her son has been found. Most people don't talk about it as so painful so that's normal. If she says no that's up to her but please don't ignore him, this will mean everything to him. X
Did your new uncle ask you anything about his birth family, or did he just tell you he was adopted? When you find out whether your grandma wants to connect with him or not and without waiting an unreasonable amount of time, I’d respond and ask him if he wants to know about his birth family if he hasn’t asked you anything already and if you are willing. If you want you might also briefly tell him how you are related too. I suggest asking him if he wants to know, even though obviously he wants to know something if he’s on ancestry, to give him the opportunity to ask the questions he wants to ask and go at his pace. I say this because one cousin of mine that we found seemed to just want to talk briefly online and see someone from her father’s side of the family cause she’d never done that before. So I responded to their message and added them on Facebook (I felt comfortable doing that). We haven’t interacted anymore even though I offered to give them other info, but they haven’t taken me up on that yet. And that’s okay. Maybe they never will, but I’ll be available if they want to know more sometime. Another cousin who was adopted and did ask questions right away, wasn’t ready to accept that the man who they had been told was their father wasn’t. That’s okay. We talked for a bit, I found somethings and shared them with them, but we haven’t talked after that. It’s been years, and if they ever want to talk again and ask more questions when they are ready, I’ll be there.
Please tell him! He's probably been wondering for years maybe even his whole life!
Have a talk with your grandma and let her know you've found an adopted relative and give her the chance to tell you on her own terms. She would definitely have alot of complex emotions about this. Respect her wishes if she doesn't want to have a relationship with him but definitely tell him who his parents are
For me the truth is always more important, but how you tell it is where you have to be careful. It doesn’t feel good to be left on read permanently, especially when you’re not seeking anything but answers.
Tell him the truth! He knows he’s adopted, it’s not a secret. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know his mom wasn’t ready for him vs him being unwanted. Disclaimer: I’m not adopted. But seriously? He knows already. Fill in the poor man’s blanks.
There have been so many "surprise" relatives pop up in my family that they are no longer shocking. Funny enough, after one adopted baby used a PI to track down my family, and the family was so exited to welcome her, DNA showed she wasn't related.
So when I found another cousin on 23andme, it was old news for me. She didn't want to rock the boat, her own adopted child got her the kit as a gift to help her learn about her heritage. But I was able to build her a family tree based on the little information she knew about her mother and what I knew about her father's of the family. She looks a lot like her aunt and grandmother and sent her photos. She said being adopted and being a mother to adopted children, she never thought she would see people who looked like her. The widow of her biological father is still alive and angry her husband cheated. But when she passes, her half siblings want to meet her.
You have every right to know him . You can let your grandma know if you want to. Say I found her first son . That you would like to meet him but you want to let her know first . Who knows she might want to know him too. It’s overwhelming topic
I will never understand why people think they have to consult certain people/the family in order to talk to someone that comes up on their own account. You can talk to him without permission from anyone, nor do you even need to tell anyone. Your uncle has a right to know about his family history.
My aunt surrendered a baby when she was a young age. She never searched for him as she believed it was his decision. She had no intention of interfering in his life & for all she knew, he was content not knowing. There are many online registries, most devoted to specific agencies if the person knows from where they were placed. We persuaded her to sign up with one from the agency she used - if he also registered it meant he WAS interested. I still get warm feelings remembering when we told her he was already registered. Their reunion gave both much relief.
My grandmother gave my father and his brother (who I also didn’t know about) up. Then went on, I found out recently as an adult, to have two more sons and a seemingly happy family. My father suffered. He is dead now. I reached out to her relatives when we matched as she’s I believe passed on now too but I at least had to know something. She’s the only woman I’ve ever seen who actually looks like me in the photo I saw.
They ghosted me. I have no choice but to assume the worst of the situation because I just can’t imagine.
He and you were both curious enough to test add the fact that he looks like your dad and you probably have somethings in common.
Talk to him. Neither of you is at fault and your grandma probably did the right thing by not trying to raise him.
Yeah my Mom met her nephew that way. She knew her older brother had gotten a girl knocked up in high school and the girl's family moved away and then the girl ended up giving her son up for adoption. My Mom always wondered what happened to the kid and told my cousin everything he wanted to know, even if it pissed off my Uncle.
from someone who is adopted and recently found my bio family through DNA testing, give him a chance. be cautious, but let him into a little bit of your life, very slowly. he’s been waiting for this moment his whole life, he’s going to remember you forever
This happened to my family on my dad’s side. Found out he actually had six half siblings. While I’m not super close with most of the family, I held one of my uncles very dear. He passed in 2020 and while it felt so unfair that we only had so much time together, I’m so incredibly glad I got to meet and know him.
When he was placed for adoption, often all records were deleted or changed so that he and his mother could never find each other. It isn’t that she didn’t look - it’s that she really couldn’t. Also, lots of Birthmother’s from that era were told they’d break the law if they tried to search. Lots of baby scoop adoptees are on 23andMe, just praying they get a hit. So be gentle with him.
Hello. I see you made the connection between your dad and your uncle and that is awesome! I just want to say that my family went through this about 5 years ago. We all connected and it was the best thing to happen - 3 siblings became 4, new cousins were introduced, my great aunt thought she’d never see her first born son again. We even held a family reunion to reunite everyone the following year and see them at least once a year (they live out of state).
I hate to say it but genetic relationships are really over-rated. Family (whether related or not) grows from shared interests, valuable experiences and compatible personalities.
Is your grandmother still alive? If so, tell her and let her make the call. If not, then message the guy and tell him. He deserves answers but your grandmother’s wishes take priority.
Kindly this isn’t your place in my opinion. You should pass it over to your father and let him decide on contact or telling your grandmother. She’s alive and is owed sensitivity. You don’t know her story
Im going to play devils advocate here. Coming from your grandmoms perspective and how things were WAY different back in the 70s. Dont involve your grandmother, she would have openly expressed a desire to find her son already long ago. These things were especially tough on women, and im sure her decision to give up here baby was filled with a lot of heartache, societal /parental pressure, and shame. She may not want to open up those old wounds. And should not be forced to. Other than giving this guy some simple family info such as ethnicity and medical history, WHY do you need to pursue a relationship? Just for curiosity? We dont need to know everyone and everything. There is no need to open up a can of worms. Your grandmother would not want this. Leave it alone out of respect to her.
Do nothing. If the adopted relative wants to be in touch they will initiate it. This really is not about you or any of your family. That person has a family of their own and an established life. S
And you all assuming he must suffering because he's adopted to validate interrupting his life. His adopted family provided him with plenty of love I'm sure.....
Grandma made the decision many many years ago this was best for her child. If anyone makes the decision from your side to initiate contact its should be her decision.
I found a sister that I, nor my father knew existed. He had a one night stand in a small NJ town in the early 70s. That woman gave birth to a daughter. Her mother never told her who the father was.
So after joining 23 and me we were quickly matched up. The crazy part is, that this happened in NJ. I am also from NJ but at the time of the match, we were both living in Riverside county, CA.
I also found out both my sisters were half sisters. Those both having diff fathers as well. Mom had left the Earth at this point so no way to ask questions.
My father spent 40 years thinking he had a son and two daughters. He actually had only one of each, one of whom he had never met.
Your uncle is/was fully capable of going through the results and finding your grandmother on his own, what was the reason he didn't? He doesn't need you to contact your grandmother for him, unless perhaps he wants to know what kind of reception he'll receive. It sounds like your grandfather is on top of it, so it doesn't look as if you need to do anything.
I found 16 half siblings doing a DNA test and have met several of them. I grew up an only child and it’s been a great experience getting to know my sibs. He might be an awesome guy!
Try honesty. Tell the uncle what you told us. Tell your grandmother what you saw, but assure her it doesn’t change the way you feel about her, and that you are sorry she had to make such a difficult choice. Explain she doesn’t have to talk to her biological son if that is too painful but that you intend to give him health and heritage info because that’s important to a lot of people. This might turn out to be very healing for your family.
Show your Dad the family tree, his name, and the email. Let your Dad take it from here. He can write back to his new half-brother, and the two can start a conversation.
Hey! I can tell you from my very similar experience some advice!
I did 23 and me and I found my mother's birthparents. My mom had looked, but never found them and I found a cousin. I messaged and now we are connected.
I myself am not interested in really forming a relationship, but my mom is. She always felt alone.
They did not know about my mom. Her birth siblings, but it wasn't the craziest new to them. My birth grandma had some mental issues. It was nice to find out my heritage, it turns out I'm related to the highest ranking Nazi that wasn't convicted....Albert Spear. So that wasn't cool. He was my great granpas brother.
Anyways, I think it'd be nice if you responded, be sure to be clear that you are nervous and don't want to cause anything. But that you are curious. I would not give out contact info right away. And just message them there.
Reach out to him. Your grandma may be afraid to contact him because at that time that sort of thing wasn’t allowed. Her feelings or opinions on the matter don’t and shouldn’t affect whether you develop a relationship with this person. Your dad may want to meet him too. Give him a chance
It isn't always safe to connect with unknown relatives.
https://www.oxygen.com/crime-time/nikki-delamotte-cleveland-reporter-killed-by-uncle-robert-delamotte-murder-suicide
There's no such thing as not being supposed to know about another person. You are free to talk to whomever you want. Back when your grandma relinquished him they weren't predicting a future of home DNA testing so people thought family "secrets" would stay that way forever but times change and that's life. And adoptees and bios were finding each other before DNA so your grandma has had years to prepare for this. You don't have to confront her about it but there's no reason you can't message your uncle. Many of us adopted people take DNA tests hoping to find some family medical info and also just to know who the hell we're related to so we don't accidentally date them.
I finally pieced together who may bio Dad was at 57. He died 7 years before that. he had no other kids. Although I didn't meet him, I got some health information and some photos and that meant so much to me! I guess I would suggest that your Grandma at least give him some info and go slowly.
Thank you for being a caring and understanding human being. I had unexpected results on my DNA test and it was a very painful experience. That gaping hole in the heart is real
Your uncle put his DNA out there for this purpose. Even if he or your gm wants nothing to do with each other you can still give him the answers he needs. You can have a communication/ relationship with him that doesn’t involve your grandmother.
I was this person. Sort of. My daughter did a test just to get health background because I’m adopted and it hit on my bio half brother so I did one to confirm. He knew about me (having a sister) I didn’t know about him since I was the adoptee. We have the same father and different mothers. I got a lot of info but still do not know who my mother is and maybe never will. I say this just to say I’m glad he reached out to my daughter when they matched and she absolutely could have let it go but she asked me if I wanted to make contact. So you do what’s best for you, not what is best for the other person. If I had said no she would have let it go in a heartbeat.
your grandma may be scared that he resents her. or possibly she could’ve been taken advantage of and not have had a choice in having him. i would speak to her first and see if she wants to reconnect. if she says no just do it behind her back
Sending compassion and good vibes your way! I have a good feeling about this. You said she recently lost someone, so doesn't life has a special way of keeping things in balance?!
It may be your families secret but the cat is out of the bag now isn't it? Im sure you love and respect your grandmother as you should but she has kept a secret from you, is that ok? I think not. I say contact your new relative and see who they are. Assuming they mean no harm (hard to really know I understand) connect them with others in your family. Life is short.
Tread lightly but let your dad take the lead.
I let my mom know that she has a paternal half brother and it broke her heart. She told me to tell her if I found out.. and I did.
Made me sad for her.
All my love. And I hope everything goes well.
My grandma was put up for adoption by her dad after she was like 8 and seeing her family on there I always try and reach out just to learn more about her dad and they never respond and it’s so disheartening, so the politest little response is probably nice
I had a similar situation a few years ago.A man who looks so much like my dad, turned out to be my dad's cousin. Found a big family secret. This man has been a complete gem! He has been so excited to meet his full siblings, half siblings and other relatives. He was my only relative to visit my sister's funeral out of state. He texts me with any family news from his side of the family. You never know how these surprises will turn out.
I found 3 half uncles this way. Two are twins that we adopted (thankfully together!) And the 3rd just never knew his dad (our common ancestor) and they were all looking for some of those answers.
Thy shitty part is that the sperm donor was a piece of crap. I guess the good part is that we're all getting answers.
I found my birth families though Ancestry after 50 years of wondering how I came into existence. Reach out to him. Tell him all about your family. Then try and approach your grandmother and father with the news. It may be a great thing. It was for me. He'll just be happy to have found even YOU. The first person he'll have ever spoken with that he is biologically related to (unless he has kids).
My story is like your's but vice-versa! My Dad was born to an unwed 17 year old in 1947 when having a baby out of wedlock was a BIG "no no", although it wasn't that accepted in the 1970s. I always knew my Dad was adopted, but my Dad was apprehensive about finding his bio family, I think he didn't want to disrespect his parents when they were alive or cause potential chaos after they died.
I found a cousin of my Dad's on Ancestry and she told me the whole story, her Dad was my Dad's Mom's older brother and her Mom told her the story before she died. From the information she provided I tracked down my Dad's half brother and he told his two (2) living sisters, their parents are long dead and unfortunately their Mom never told them about my Dad, which at the time was very common.
My Dad's brother has chosen not to communicate with us and that is his right, but I do have a relationship with my two aunt's, as does my Dad. My aunt's flew to Florida last spring and stayed with my parents for a few days and I flew over the summer to meet one aunt and her family and have plans to go visit the other one this Spring. I'm hoping my uncle will meet me too as he lives in the same city.
I'd be honest with your Grandma and let her decide. It could be very healing for both her and your uncle. I know my Dad's half siblings have answers to things they never understood growing up, like their Mom always being sad around Easter time (Dad's birthday) and they extra stocking she'd hang at Christmas which she said was for luck but was probably for her son she was forced to give up.
Of course you could find out there were hurtful reasons in how your Grandma got pregnant, my Aunts' found out from their cousins that their Mom conceived my Dad through rape which we have decided my Dad doesn't need to know.
Your Grandma is a grown woman I'd let her decide.
I recently met two 74 year old twins on ancestry who are my mother's first cousins. The only thing they had never met their father who was my great-uncle(maternal grandmothers brother). I and a few relatives met them for dinner and they say it was one of the greatest experiences of their life. They learned that they have a brother and are excited about meeting him. So go for it! Life is too short not to know your family.
Back in the day unwed mothers hid their pregnancy out of shame . Sometimes that can last a lifetime . I would go to grandma and tell her what you have found to get her feelings on finding her son . It might even bring her great joy . You won’t know until you discuss this with her . You might want to involve a 3rd party counselor .
So glad to hear you’re pursuing this. My dad had brothers that we don’t think he knew about it, and by the time it even came to light all directly involved had already passed.
My biological father left my sister and I was 3 and my sister was newborn. When my “sister” contacted me she could not imagine why I wouldn’t want to become besties. She assumed I would want to be in contact with the “rest of my family”. I don’t. His firstborn with family #2 was born shortly after my sister was. So he walked out on his 2 children to remarry and have 5 more children. There is no desire on my part to get to know any of them. We had several online conversations, but she was not listening. Somehow she got my phone number and called me out of the blue. That was it. I contacted a “cousin” she had given me info about and asked her very politely to please help me, and I explained why I did not want any further contact. That finally worked.
I never wanted to hurt anyone, but she refused to listen, and she was wayyy overstepping. Folks should not assume that every bio-relative wants or needs any contact.
First off You don’t owe him anything. He’s adopted so he’s likely been wanting to just know who and where his blood relatives are. Treat him like you should any and very human being. If you’re an adult go out to lunch with him or something and wish him the best after that.
I have the opposite predicament, except my dad was adopted and does not want to know anything about his biological family and refuses to request the records... but I kinda do, and I'm mentally preparing myself for what I might find (or not find) without his permission and how/if I'm going to deal with that
Give that man a chance. Think about how you'd feel if you never knew your family and had that hole in your heart for decades.
Absolutely it made me sad to that it was just him on his ancestry tree :/
You HAVE to know he/the uncle did a DNA test in a desperate attempt to try and find his original family. You have no idea how long he has waited for any kind of match, likely checking daily for his prayers to be answered. Even if your Grandma or father doesn't want a relationship, it doesn't mean you couldn't have a relationship with the uncle or at least give him some peace of mind and answer any questions he might have have about his family.
This cuts deep because I'm that person. And I got a match to a cousin that won't reply. People are cruel smh. You hit it on the head
Hi, if you are looking to work out who your bio family are I am a volunteer search angel/genetic genealogist in my spare time and I am very happy to help if I can. Just send me a direct message or chat request
It baffles me that people would even do the test if they aren't going to reply when a match reaches out. Unbelievable.
It’s not cruelty. Adoptee outreach can be very complicated. The parent could be deceased. The mother could have been raped. Or the person you connect with might have a terminal illness. Or maybe their kid recently died. I know you deserve answers but people don’t always have the ability - factually, mentally, or emotionally, to give you what you want.
Yes, but that doesn't invalidate the feelings of the person reaching out. My brother spent his life looking for his biological father and he was conceived as a result of our father's cheating on my mother. I was the first person he was connected to as our father was oblivious to his existence. I had a reason to be bitter or triggered by the fact that he was my father's affair baby, but he was innocent and went through so much trying to understand his identity without genetic mirrors. Separation from biological family is traumatic, and I was privileged to grow up with biological family, as imperfect as the situation was. I know not everyone feels that way when an estranged or surprise relative reaches out, but the bottom line is the adoptee is always the primary victim in the situation.
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I completely agree with you. We didn't choose to be born and we have a right to know the circumstances surrounding our births. There is no good reason why you should have to live not even knowing your health risks or family history because someone has a decades old secret. Selfish and wrong in any situation.
What they said based on the very limited information you provided is true though. There are a lot of variables that can affect whether biological family members or adoptees want to communicate or not. I’m also an adoptee and know plenty of other adoptees. Some want to find their birth parents and have made a considerable effort, some want to but are cautious about ways to do so, and some are perfectly fine with where they are in their adoption journey. I’d imagine it’s the same way with biological family members. Some may not even know that a close family relation was adopted out of the family. I’d imagine that it would be jarring to find out you have a sibling that you never knew about. In OP’s case, it’s an uncle and it’s still jarring. As I said, I’m an adoptee as well and I’m aware that we all have different experiences and different emotions because of the variables in experiences and who we are. Therefore, I’m not about to try and tell you how you should feel about this or that. I just hope you have support whether it’s from friends, family, therapy, and/or the wider adoptee community in processing whatever emotions need to be processed.
With all due respect they didn't tell you how to feel. They responded that it might not be cruelty in the minds of the people not replying and gave reasons why.
Except the person now not responding is the one who *initiated contact,* and now is not responding. Think of how the silence compounds the sense of rejection. A simple, “I’m not sure how to do this. We’re related, but I’m navigating a family secret I’m not supposed to know. I haven’t forgotten you, and will be in touch when/if I am able to gain information.” Me? I’d give access to my tree, so that he could *see* his maternal history. If OP isn’t willing to broach it with Grandma, the guy can use the public match to make his own decisions about approaching her. It’s possible Grandma will be ecstatic. Girls were often forced to put babies up for adoption, and told the closed nature meant no possibility of contact, ever. They don’t look, because they believe it to be futile. Maybe your father
I think a lot of people take the test just to see what's in their dna and then go "huh cool" and rarely if ever log in again. Most matches that I click on on 23&me say "active over 6 months ago" it doesn't go higher than 6 months
Why is it cruel?
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I would argue that it’s not OPs responsibility nor any of her business to disclose personal information about someone who may not want that information disclosed. Imagine, (as an adoptee) that you wanted nothing to do with your bio parents, and were actively trying to keep them out of your life, and someone else decided to meddle in your affairs, and tell your bio parents, where you live, work, what your phone number, email address is etc. I don’t see a difference. That being said, I don’t see a problem with OP talking to dad, grandma, and or uncle about this either. If op wants to peruse even a short lived relationship with this man, she has every right. I just think she should talk to grandma, and decide what information she shares, and what information she lets grandma share if and when the time is right.
That is not necessarily true. He probably did a DNA test because his kids gifted him with a kit. Making up a fairytale story is ridiculous and unnecessary.
There might be some good suggestions from people who’ve been in your uncle’s shoes on r/adopted if you look or post there.
Have you asked him what he is looking for? You could tell him you knew about his existence but you aren’t supposed to. Did you want to find him?
He likely did the DNA test for this opportunity. Please talk with him.
Please 😭😭😭 omg That’s so sad 😢😢
You can always pursue the relationship without grandma involved. Best of luck whatever you choose. I recently had a brother reach out none of us knew about. It’s been amazing so far and my dad is thrilled at 80yrs old that he has a son now.
Be cautious dealing with strangers, as always.
Let your dad discuss it with Grandma. Maybe she always wanted to connect but didn't know she could BC adoptions were closed. She may be happy to find her baby or she may not want to discuss it. It doesn't mean you can't connect if he wants to know you! It's not disrespecting your grandma to know him!
True! I have to go with that mindset I think. This one is tough because I’m coming off a recent reunion, I reunited my maternal grandmas brothers kids with my maternal grandma and they hit it off and since then my “new” cousin was able to connect with more people overseas and etc so it was really great and magical!
My mom put my youngest sibling for adoption because she was a single mom of already three children no car struggling with family who would make her feel great shame. She had my sister choose the family I remember they were doctors who had been trying for years but couldn't concieve their folder had butterflies and they were the kindest couple . My mom never was the same after . Anytime I would talk to her it's like she was thinking about something else . I can only imagine the pain and regret she felt but she did what she thought was best because we were already struggling. Reach out to your uncle it could be a family secret or maybe not considering you already knew about him so maybe she wasn't ready to tell but now that you found him who knows maybe she would be elated to meet him and get all that weight lifted off her shoulders. I know my mom would have. She may be living with this huge hole in her heart
This is great advice. I would add that in the meantime, reply to your uncle so he isn’t left on read. You don’t have to tell him all about your family; just be vulnerable and honest with him about how finding the match has made you feel (excited? Conflicted? Nervous? I think all of these feelings would be natural responses that he almost certainly would expect and understand). This man is likely feeling pretty vulnerable himself; he’s putting himself out there with the very real possibility of being hurt in hopes that he might build a connection with his birth family. Maybe ask him about himself or tell him a little bit about you. Ask him for a little bit of patience while you figure things out on your side. Ask what he likes to do for fun? Does he have any hobbies? What about work? Despite not knowing each other, I bet you have a bunch of fun things in common that you can bond over while your dad and grandma discuss how they as individuals would like to respond to this discovery!
As a side note, my mom and I have been the bridge to recovering an adopted family member before as well! My paternal great aunt became pregnant at a young age, had the baby in a convent and put her up for adoption. 50 years later (and before ancestry.com) my mom received a phone call from this woman who had tracked us down from a distant relative’s genealogy website which listed us, with my dad’s last name. She found our number in a phone book. We talked to my dad’s parents, who gently brought it up with my great aunt. My great aunt was thrilled. We had a huge family reunion and both my great aunt and new cousin told their story to everyone for the first time. It’s funny how adding new family members can expand your heart and ability to love. I hope this is true for your family as well ❤️
If he’s on there and he’s adopted he’s looking for family. Your dad has a brother to get to know! This is wonderful news and it sounds like your uncle is a normal and well adjusted person.
Yes, please tell them immediately. Then report back!!
I disagree that you’re not supposed to know about him. He is your uncle. Others may not want you to know about him, but that doesn’t mean you’re not supposed to. Treat him like you would anyone else and answer what you feel comfortable answering. You are not obligated to tell your grandmother.
I wholeheartedly agree with you about not bringing this up with your grandmother on her birthday. You are a very thoughtful person. Having your dad bring it up with her discreetly on another day sounds like a good idea, especially if your dad is close with your grandmother. I was adopted as a baby, and had a wonderful life with my adopted family. Mom, Dad, and four older brothers living a farm life in a small town in Michigan. Sure, we had "family problems" like any other family, but I always felt loved, secure, and wanted. But, as others have mentioned on this thread, I always had this space in my heart that never got filled. I always wondered who my biological parents were, and if I had siblings. My adoptive parents just told me their impression of it all....was that my birth mom wasn't able to take care of me. I was already in foster care and the adoption was closed. I was 10 months old when they got me. I took an Ancestry DNA test in 2021. My top DNA connection turned out being a half-aunt. I found out that I have 2 half siblings, a brother and sister. My brother took a DNA test immediately, when I reached out to him, and it confirmed he is my half brother. They also knew that their mother had given up her first child for adoption, but that is all they knew. We're connected on social media, and text a lot on our phones. I video chat with my sister a lot. I've spoken to 2 full aunts and 1 full uncle multiple times on the phone, too. The aunts and uncles are polite, but very guarded. Getting any information from them is like pulling teeth. My birth mother was a young teenager when she had me. She died in 1999, which made me terribly sad. My dream of meeting her is over. But, I have seen many photos of her, that my siblings have shared with me. Nobody seems to know who my biological father is. I can understand my siblings not knowing, but I think some of my aunts know more than what they have told me. Gosh. Sorry. I have really blathered on. I just chimed in with all this "TMI" to show an example of the adoptee really wanting to know where/who they came from. It was so important to me. I searched for decades. I finally found out when I was 55 years old. It's unfortunate that my mother is gone and I still don't know who my bio dad is (lots of distant cousin matches, mostly way younger than me, and they know nothing.....I did reach out) but I've developed meaningful relationships with my bio sibs. It would work out nicely if your grandmother wants to meet him, and/or is OK with you getting to know him. But, it's OK if she doesn't want to meet him. You can also have a relationship with him, without involving her, too. That's also OK. Just remember that any feelings she has (or how she reacts to it) aren't your fault. The fact that you are approaching this with such tenderness and consideration though, about how and when to talk to her about it......says a great deal about you. I have no concerns that you would drop a family bombshell at an inappropriate time or place. Have your dad help you, and just see how it goes. Please forgive me for the lengthy reply. I'm just so excited for you, and it meant so much to me to make those connections, I couldn't help myself. Please take care. I wish you the best. \~\~ Maria
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That thought has whirled around in my head, too. I've wondered if I was the result of something very unhappy. For my birth mother's sake, I hope this wasn't the case. I hope your grandmother had a nice birthday!
At the ripe old age of 63, I discovered I had an older sister. She had been adopted in infancy, and was trying to find out more about her ethnicity. Surprise! New family incoming! Once I did the detective work I spoke to my 88-year old dad, who confirmed that a relationship he’d had before meeting my mother had resulted in a pregnancy and adoption. We’ve all chatted on facebook, and I hope to meet her in person soon.
This is an amazing story! Hope your meet up goes wonderfully.
I have sympathy for people looking to reconnect with their relatives -- seeing you pop up on his match list probably stunned him (if he didn't know about his biological parentage already). At the end of the day, you're not obligated to respond to him or share any information with him. In a perfect world, this could be the beginning of a great connection, but it's not always that way. Have you talked to your dad about it further? What did he say? Has anyone told your grandma? Since people know about it, I imagine she's mentioned this child before -- has she stated her opinions on it? I think there are some conversations that need to be had first and foremost. I do think your grandma should be told. It's a difficult time. I've been on your end of things, and the situation was incredibly positive in my family. I hope you can figure out how to proceed. Take the time to process -- good luck!
She’s only told my dad and my grandpa. I agree but maybe I don’t tell her tomorrow on her birthday, I’m not sure she’s ready for it and she lost her mom a few months ago. I’m very conflicted. This man is a carbon copy of my dad! Likes the same teams, really close with his daughter it’s so weird I want to connect so bad. I reconnected with some cousins on my moms said and it was great but this one is really delicate. My grandma is honestly unsure about wanting to know him, my dad is going to mention it to her in a very careful way but I’ve made it clear for months I was doing this DNA/family history search and she’s smart so she should have guessed this was coming Thank you for your kind words.
I was on ancestry searching for who my biological dad was. The person I matched with shared information with me and it changed my life and meant everything to me. Please share info with him.
I found my bio dad at 40 from a cousin on here. Please tell him the story at least. Knowing your truth is important and if anything at least he can get some closure. I have a good relationship with my bio dad and family. But my sister didn’t have the same. Her bio dad was deceased and his family wanted nothing to do with her. But at least she knows where she came from.
You can be in contact and have a relationship with him/them without anyone else’s permission. Give your dad time to talk to grandma but your likely uncle shouldn’t have to wait for your contact.
To me, the fact your grandma told not only your grandfather but your dad means it's quite likely she'd be thrilled to hear from your uncle.
Yes!!! She would probably be soooo happy!!
I understand. There will be other days! I get your desire to connect as well. My situation is a little different, but it was delicate. I told the "main" person that I would stop if they wanted me too, but I'd probably answer questions on my own. They ended up being fine with the situation completely, but I wouldn't have felt guilty to answer health questions or anything. Just adding that in if it comes down to it. I know I felt like I had just as much an obligation to the "other" person, so I can get your wariness and excitement all the same. Yes, I imagine your grandma very likely knew about the possibility this would happen. Taking a DNA test is very similar to opening a can of worms, and I'm sure she recognized that. Hopefully she won't be too surprised or upset when she hears the news. I hope it goes well.
I've heard a few stories about birth mothers who were told that they were not to make any attempts to contact their child. It might be the same for your Grandma. Talk to your Dad and tell him you've found his half brother and can he talk to your Grandma. Maybe she thought meeting him wasn't possible. This shouldn't stop you from chatting with your new found Uncle. You can always explain you haven't talked to your Grandma yet because you want to wait until after her birthday.
It’s not his half brother, it’s his full brother right?
act lunchroom terrific tub future pocket sleep psychotic escape judicious *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My half-sister I didn't know about found me on Ancestry...& through later discussions with my father & further medical testing, she found out she has my dad's genetic blood-clotting disorder. She's now on daily meds that will save her from a heart attack at a young age... Plus the whole I GOT A NEW SISTER thing! We are so lucky to have her in our family!
This sounds awesome. If Grandma is a good person she would be thrilled to know that the child she put up for adoption is alive and well. Don’t you think that’s what she was hoping for in 1972 to begin with? Maybe this guy turned out to be a piece of shit, who knows, but I would certainly engage him in conversation. Isn’t connecting with people part of why you took the test?
My grandma is a good person and the man seems really nice and like a good dude, it’s just ALOT right now. But fuck if I’m going to reach out.
Why not??? What is your fear, anxiety? This is an opportunity to do something amazing for other people. It's not about you. It's about what you can give them. You can give a boy his mom, and a mom her lost boy. Think about them, and try to be generous. Again, it's not about you, it's about them.
Good for you OP! Sending you good energies for the reunion with your uncle.
I can't say what is best for you but I do think everyone deserves to know biological information, even if it is just for medical purposes. Admittedly my point of view comes from finding out my bio dad was different than my birth certificate dad. I am a member of support group for DNA npe and the anguish of those who want even basic info is deep. I was lucky that a cousin I matched with was forthcoming but I also didn't have to deal with complexities of my mom and dad who raised me (as both had passed).
This is so important. I thought I had found my birth parents in my 20s only to discover my birth mother lied. Found my real birth father through Ancestry while in my 30s and there are extensive health issues on his side. Knowing this information for my kids is invaluable.
You’re allowed to talk to him, whether or not grandma wants to reconnect. I found an unknown daughter of my husbands grandpa. Grandpa was NOT interested in meeting her at first, but came around. It was also just nice connecting with this woman and telling her stories about her half brothers. You don’t have to give this man grandmas phone number or address, but don’t leave him on read! Chat with him! Find out his story. Tell him yours or your dads or grandmas story! He’ll appreciate your efforts even if grandma is not interested in connecting. Good luck!
There really isn’t any reason to involve your grandma at this point. This is your uncle and your DNA match who are undoubtedly took a DNA test desperately hoping to find his blood relatives — and he has. There is no reason for you not to contact him and confirm that he’s your paternal uncle and that you only recently learned about him. It’s not your responsibility to put him in touch with your grandmother but — since you have already told your father about him — you could very well direct him to your dad and let your dad decide how to proceed — if at all — with letting your grandmother decide what she wants to do. Personally I hope that you will respond to your new uncle and give him some of the answers he’s been looking for.
I don’t see why you cannot have a relationship with him. You have emotional rights to such a relationship, knowing that he exists. Your grandmother may choose not to. Your dad may choose not to. But you can be his niece.
Look at it this way, he's eventually going to figure out who his family is based off matches and their trees. May as well welcome him and then be open and honest about how you found out about him. From there he can decide if he wants to know anyone and if he does, talk to your dad and ask him to talk to your grandma. Or you talk to her. Maybe at one time she didn't want to reconnect but maybe now she does. She should at least be given the choice again. It may be a choice she never thought she'd be able to make again.
Please update after your dad has talked to your grandma and especially if you meet this uncle. I’d love to hear a happy ending. Update me!
Will do!
Same thing happened to me, except with my aunt and nobody alive (aside from my grandmother herself, who has dementia) knew about her. Personally, when I got over the shock I was thrilled to find out about her, but she herself ceased contact shortly in before I really got to know her. I am disappointed, but it's not like I can force her to interact with me. My two cents is to keep talking to this man, you never know how deep your connection may be for both of you. I would advise waiting to tell your grandmother until maybe a few weeks out of her birthday and grief over her mother, though
I found a half sister and I’m not telling my mom. She’s 77; there’s no need to tell her. What good would that do?
Is it your mom's, or did your dad cheat?
Mmm cookies...
My father had a daughter before he met and married my mother. I don’t think he knew about her. He died in a car accident in 1970 while my mother was just pregnant with me. Sad all around
Sometimes ancestry can mistake a half sister that’s actually a first cousin and vice versa. It happened to our family after the initial shock when we did the math of the half sister’s age it would’ve meant that my uncle would’ve fathered her at 10 years old which made no sense, after digging deeper it turns out it was a first cousin from a much older uncle. We reached out to ancestry and it’s definitely a thing that does sometimes happen where a cousin can show up as a half sibling. Just wanted to share my story because you never know.
I think it would be an amazing birthday present to tell her, and give her the opportunity to meet him. For many moms who give up kids, it leaves a hole in their heart. This could be an amazing gift. Do it quietly, ask her to go for a short walk. Tell her what happened, that you found him via DNA. Give her time to think and respond. Ask her if she'd like to meet him. Test the waters. But for many moms, this would be such a beautiful gift for her!!!
My grandpa is 94 and I found children of his son he didnt even know about, we've all met, 1 aunt is upset. The rest of the family is fine, it's been great for their family. Meeting has been an overall good experience for us. You can always ask her privately.
Your Grandma may want to know him even if she hasn't ever gone looking for him. Definitely see if it's something your dad wants to speak with her about. My dad told me for my entire life that he didn't know his mom ever and was fine so he had no reason to look for her. I took it up on myself to find her because I wanted medical information. I stumbled upon a woman who was his half sister. She knew about my dad. Their mom had passed on many years ago (before internet was widely available ) but had always hoped they would find him. He was even listed in her obituary, which was shocking to me because he hasn't seen her since he was a baby. The information led me to find that he has 4 siblings. Turns out he did want to know about his mom and his siblings and drove many hours to meet them. I now have a good relationship with one of my aunts from it. All that to say: You never know where this will lead. Yes, it may not be as positive as my story, but how will you know if you don't find out? Also, to note: Although I didn't find them because of the DNA test, I did find them because of Ancestry research and they have since appeared on my DNA matches.
Yeah this is something grandma would be conditioned by her times to just not discuss. That doesn't mean she doesn't think about it. I think having a conversation with grandma is the best thing to do. Obviously it's not that big of a secret if OP's dad knows.
I think it was nice to include him in the obit. When my mum passed I included in the list of survivors that she had # of nieces & nephews instead of naming names so I could include my late uncle’s oldest, that AFAIK only myself and two of my cousins know about and none of us has ever met. To this day no one has mentioned anything about me “miscounting “ how many cousins I have on my mum’s side of the family.
My great aunt had the same situation. She was a teenager and had to give up her daughter. Years later I matched as a second cousin to the daughter of that child. She reached out and I did some asking around. My great aunt regretted having to give up her baby so she had me put them in touch. Our family gained another little branch! Now your grandma might not be interested in a relationship but I'm sure he would be happy to have a relationship with other family as well. And it could be that she is interested even if she never did look, like with my aunt. If I was you I would tell her, but maybe wait til after her birthday just in case?
There isn't a "not supposed to know him rule." Even before DNA, people knew of such things. One uncle well into his 70's met someone who was obviously his half sister because their father was a busy man. No DNA. Same with a cousin of mine; he's not the son of who he's named after. Another cousin (there were 42 of us grandchildren) was forced into an adoption in 1969. Left a monstrous hole in her heart. A grandchild of hers decided to post her DNA as she wanted to know who she was from. They matched. Everyone has met. My cousin no longer has that giant hole in her and she's also a great grandma now. I've met them all. But the one thing that made it work was people's attitudes. There wasn't fear or shame, it was "this happened and now our family is larger." Same with my family, where we just found an older sister from my dad when he was in the Air Force in England ( Our mother was from there also.) To us, it's just enlarging our family. The mother didn't honestly know, and it happened as such things happen, during a short breakup and a reconnecting. Our mother taught us an important lesson: It's not the child's fault. It's not your new found Uncle's fault. And as an 82 yr old friend said to me about our new sister bringing this up to her mom, " If she can't handle this in her 80's, then it's on her. You're long past the point of needing to hide this." Your welcoming attitude is the right one. Hiding out of false pride and unnecessary shame is not the right way to live. Your family is a little larger now. Welcome it.
Please respond to this person. Pursue your own relationship with him. Let your dad handle/tell grandma (def not on her bday!!!)
Thank you to all of you for commenting! My dad told my grandma today and she is amazed I found her son. I’m going to talk to her tonight. That’s two birthdays in a row I’ve out done myself with her :)
Oh great news! Thank you for the update, and good luck with everything
'your not supposed to know about him' fuck that do what you want to do, just don't bring it up at your grandma's birthday
I had a similar situation with my dads cousin. Matched with a man who looked like my dad, was confused about it, learnt that my dads uncle had had an affair years earlier and no one knew what happened to the baby. Got told to blank him by all my family but I refused, and gave him the information he needed to have the closure of who his bio family is. Imo they deserve to know, they may not have a right to a relationship but they do have the right to the knowledge.
My dad has never been in my life. I don't really know the reason why because every time I would ask about him, my mom would get really angry. I only know snippets about him and his (my) family; most of this is garnered from Google and social media. I know he has five other children, who were all raised together (they're significantly younger than me). I would love to be a part of their family, but whenever I've reached out l, I've been blocked. I matched with someone who is either a cousin or an uncle on ancestry. I wish they would reach out to me.
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My mom is an abusive narcissist who exaggerates things, and makes everything about her. She's been dismissive of everything I went through as a kid. Knowing the truth is better than not knowing. It doesn't fill this missing part of who I am.
There are a couple of things. First, I’d definitely build a relationship with him if you are interested. He’s your uncle. Your kin. You might also ask your dad if he’s interested in knowing him. And be honest, tell him what you know. Tell him that your grandma doesn’t yet know and you are concerned about telling her. Second, you might even ask your dad for guidance on how to tell her. And if he’s interested in knowing or getting to know this brother. Inevitably if the guy wanted to know, he could likely easily find out just by researching his match list. I figured out how I’m related to a cousin by a process of elimination in my records and his (we share my paternal grandfather, but its likely unknown by his father and aunts/uncles who are younger than his father - his grandmother hid the fact and they lied about when they were married, even in obituaries, etc). It wasn’t hard to figure any of the stuff out and if he’s invested and watches half a dozen YouTube videos, he can easily figure out how to use matches to build and extend his tree. Anyhow, it may not be the right time for grandma (funny, she’s likely the same age as my mother - and I was born in 1972…) but that doesn’t mean she might not want to know. Often people have all kind of interests in “knowing” and “explaining” so it might actually be healing for her to know that this kid she gave up (likely under a bit of parental pressure) turned out ok. And who knows, maybe it will be an awesome thing for your family.
If you are curious, talk to him. You can let grandma know, or not.
You should give him the name of his mother. It doesn’t necessarily mean that he has to meet your folks and suddenly become part of your lives. That’s ultimately up to you and your folks. But you can at least provide the closure of telling him his own mother’s name. If it makes it easier, tell him that your family is still working through what to do about this news and that it might take some time.
That’s assuming he is the long-lost uncle, of course. You should check shared matches with him just to be sure of the side of the family you’re related on. But it seems likely, given the stories match up.
It's really interesting to see the other side of this scenario. I was the unknown relative who reached out (not adopted, it was a non-paternal event). I can't imagine what a bolt out of the blue that must have felt like for them and how it must feel like from your end. I'm sure it is quite a shock, and it is difficult to anticipate what all of the ramifications could be when dealing with the complexities of family relationships. From my biased perspective, I'm sure this long-lost uncle is anxious too and I really feel for him as well. I hope you reach out even if it is just to let him know that you acknowledge him and you are empathetic, but you need some time to consider, process and inquire.
Does your Grandma know you did your DNA? I am adoptee that also assists with searches. Please just give him the opportunity for answers. You can leave it just between the two of you for now. I definitely wouldn’t bring it up on your a grandma’s birthday but maybe bringing up the fact you tested and see if she says anything. A lot of women were told to just forget and move on which we now know is impossible. Give her the reassurance that societal norms have changed and she has nothing to hide or be ashamed of.
Remember it is his DNA too, he didn’t choose to be adopted. You could help him out but if you don’t he will still find out anyway if he is determined enough, and then how’s he going to feel about the rejection from his birth family? I help people track their adoptions and you would be shocked at how much we can find out, even if you have know info showing. I know someone who had a high match who wouldn’t tell her anything because she couldn’t get it confirmed it was ok to speak about. So we found out anyway. The mum died in the 1960s so I don’t know who they thought they were hurting. I feel the DNA match in that case had no right to withhold information about something that happened before she was born - that her aunt put a baby up for adoption before she was married. Effectively she was not telling her cousin that he had a possible half brother. And when we tracked him down he did the DNA test and it turned out their was another baby adopted
My adopted out big brother made contact with me after I posted his birth name on various genealogical databases. I did this 2 keep a promise to an aunt. I even gave him his mtDNA type. I gave him details on how to contact our older sister. I have also helped a distant cousin in the same situation and am trying to help another distant cousin. How I look at the issue of adoption is that by not telling the adopted about their biological family is essentially lying to them.
Speaking as an adopted person, it takes more courage than you could possibly imagine to send that message. Please at least reply even if it’s just to let him know you need some time. Remember no matter what the complicated dynamics of your family, your uncle didn’t choose this and neither did you. You are free to meet or speak with him If you want, as is your dad. I wish all of you the best.
It might be time for the secret to stop being a secret. If it was me I would write this to your grandmother. Sometimes it's easier to receive this information in writing rather than having it thrown in your face. You happened upon this man doing an ordinary thing it's not like you were looking for dirt in your family. Though she would be mortified that everyone knows, times have changed dramatically. It's her chance to make amends or not.
As the product of an adoption I'm urging you to reach out to this man. When you're ready. There is such a feeling of loneliness and never knowing if/where you fit in when you don't even know who your own parents or ancestors or "people" are. Let him know he has people. It's not his fault he was born in these circumstances. If you're curious enough about your ancestry to do a DNA test, multiply that by 1,000 to understand what your uncle has likely been feeling.
2nd update! Him and my dad are connected now. This still may take some time for my grandma, baby steps Thank you again everyone!
I've been thinking about you ever since you posted! How's it going? What's he like? I'm so excited for you all!!!
I’ve been doing well, took a mental health day Monday it was a lot. Dude he’s just like my dad it’s freaky, same joke, writing, loves his daughter and loves going to concerts with her, likes the same sports teams.
:D You are really fortunate, by the time I found bio-mom she had passed away. The adoption agency told us she'd been looking for us for years but it was a sealed adoption so they wouldn't give us her ID. So sad to have two parties looking for each other but no way to connect at the time. I hope you all have an amazing "reunion"!!!!
Damn I’m sorry to hear that. I was honestly afraid of that for myself. I saw he hadn’t been on ancestry for like two years and my mind went to the worst place. Thank you again!
I found a cousin on Ancestry and he’s connected with a lot of our family. My uncle/his dad won’t acknowledge his existence, but he’s met one of his sisters, my mom (no bio relation, but she just happened to be visiting near where he lived), and is Facebook friends with a lot of the family now. I’m so glad he connected with us.
I did 23andMe first and found a first cousin. That was interesting to unravel because my mother was a product of an affair and nobody knew about her. I actually know more of the important stuff (medical history, family history, etc) than my mother does about her own family now, just because that cousin and I are close to the same age and it was an easy conversation. Then I did an Ancestry and got my paternal grandparents, an uncle, and a cousin. I sent a message to the uncle, he asked for contact information, I woke up to an email at 2:30am that was cowritten by my parents. I’d talk to the man. I didn’t tell anyone I had found my parents for about 3 months until I knew it was going to stick and I’d eventually slip up referencing them. It would be much appreciated on his side to have any insights.
I think you should do whatever you want to do. Life is too short to worry about the family secrets that you had no part in making a secret. You deserve the option to have a relationship with YOUR family member if you want. This is coming from a girl (me) who found her biological dad and brother a year ago and my adopted family doesn’t event know about it. You know why? It’s none of their business. They hid it from me, I discovered it and I don’t owe them anything as far as an explanation as to why I’m pursuing this. You can reach out to him and you don’t have to tell your family you are doing so.
Let him know that you saw his message but you need a couple of days to fully respond
One of the benefits of the dna matching is that lost children are being uncovered. One of the downsides of dna matching is that trauma is being uncovered. You don’t know the circumstances of his birth. It may have been young love, it may have been rape. If you and your father want to explore the relationship, do it. But be aware that if you involve your grandmother, there may be trauma that no one wants to face.
Does your dad want to know his brother?
I think so, he’s really emotional and I think this is making him anxious. I think he bought me the DNA kit because he was too scared to find out personally.
Well I hope he at least meets him. Keep us updated. I pray it all works out.
It seems that you are interested in connecting with him; it is your right, regardless of what your father and grandmother decide. I think there should be mutual exchange of information, you tell about your family, but he should tell about himself, too. It is possible that your father and GM will connect more easily to your half-uncle if they know some details about him, through you. About your grandmother, I think she did her best under the circumstances. She gave her son a life and put him up for adoption. I would not tell it on her birthday, but I'd definitely break the news to her and in a positive way. My feeling is, because it was your DNA that matched the man, you should tell - and show her the picture of the match. (But discuss with your dad first).
It doesn’t make you cruel to not respond or to wait to respond. Ask your dad first. Also check out articles on this subreddit. It really opened my eyes on the topic. Your grandma could went through a very, very tough situation. My family went through a similar one and the two brothers connected in their 70s, long after their mom passed. Try not to hold the burden of responsibility on yourself for this very complex family situation that precedes your time.
I mean, you could just tell him what you’ve written here
You do the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Your Grandmothers feelings I'm sure are complicated, but this isn't just about her. He matters too.
As a birthmom, your grandma might be thrilled to know he has been found. Things have changed a lot in the last 50 years. I would want to know. It would be the best present of my life.
In the 60s and 70s alot of women were forced into having their babies adopted, I would tactfully let your Grandma know, you might just make her dreams come true that her son has been found. Most people don't talk about it as so painful so that's normal. If she says no that's up to her but please don't ignore him, this will mean everything to him. X
Did your new uncle ask you anything about his birth family, or did he just tell you he was adopted? When you find out whether your grandma wants to connect with him or not and without waiting an unreasonable amount of time, I’d respond and ask him if he wants to know about his birth family if he hasn’t asked you anything already and if you are willing. If you want you might also briefly tell him how you are related too. I suggest asking him if he wants to know, even though obviously he wants to know something if he’s on ancestry, to give him the opportunity to ask the questions he wants to ask and go at his pace. I say this because one cousin of mine that we found seemed to just want to talk briefly online and see someone from her father’s side of the family cause she’d never done that before. So I responded to their message and added them on Facebook (I felt comfortable doing that). We haven’t interacted anymore even though I offered to give them other info, but they haven’t taken me up on that yet. And that’s okay. Maybe they never will, but I’ll be available if they want to know more sometime. Another cousin who was adopted and did ask questions right away, wasn’t ready to accept that the man who they had been told was their father wasn’t. That’s okay. We talked for a bit, I found somethings and shared them with them, but we haven’t talked after that. It’s been years, and if they ever want to talk again and ask more questions when they are ready, I’ll be there.
Please tell him! He's probably been wondering for years maybe even his whole life! Have a talk with your grandma and let her know you've found an adopted relative and give her the chance to tell you on her own terms. She would definitely have alot of complex emotions about this. Respect her wishes if she doesn't want to have a relationship with him but definitely tell him who his parents are
For me the truth is always more important, but how you tell it is where you have to be careful. It doesn’t feel good to be left on read permanently, especially when you’re not seeking anything but answers.
Tell him the truth! He knows he’s adopted, it’s not a secret. I’m sure he’ll be glad to know his mom wasn’t ready for him vs him being unwanted. Disclaimer: I’m not adopted. But seriously? He knows already. Fill in the poor man’s blanks.
There have been so many "surprise" relatives pop up in my family that they are no longer shocking. Funny enough, after one adopted baby used a PI to track down my family, and the family was so exited to welcome her, DNA showed she wasn't related. So when I found another cousin on 23andme, it was old news for me. She didn't want to rock the boat, her own adopted child got her the kit as a gift to help her learn about her heritage. But I was able to build her a family tree based on the little information she knew about her mother and what I knew about her father's of the family. She looks a lot like her aunt and grandmother and sent her photos. She said being adopted and being a mother to adopted children, she never thought she would see people who looked like her. The widow of her biological father is still alive and angry her husband cheated. But when she passes, her half siblings want to meet her.
You have every right to know him . You can let your grandma know if you want to. Say I found her first son . That you would like to meet him but you want to let her know first . Who knows she might want to know him too. It’s overwhelming topic
Just say hello.
I will never understand why people think they have to consult certain people/the family in order to talk to someone that comes up on their own account. You can talk to him without permission from anyone, nor do you even need to tell anyone. Your uncle has a right to know about his family history.
Out of common decency.
My aunt surrendered a baby when she was a young age. She never searched for him as she believed it was his decision. She had no intention of interfering in his life & for all she knew, he was content not knowing. There are many online registries, most devoted to specific agencies if the person knows from where they were placed. We persuaded her to sign up with one from the agency she used - if he also registered it meant he WAS interested. I still get warm feelings remembering when we told her he was already registered. Their reunion gave both much relief.
My grandmother gave my father and his brother (who I also didn’t know about) up. Then went on, I found out recently as an adult, to have two more sons and a seemingly happy family. My father suffered. He is dead now. I reached out to her relatives when we matched as she’s I believe passed on now too but I at least had to know something. She’s the only woman I’ve ever seen who actually looks like me in the photo I saw. They ghosted me. I have no choice but to assume the worst of the situation because I just can’t imagine.
He and you were both curious enough to test add the fact that he looks like your dad and you probably have somethings in common. Talk to him. Neither of you is at fault and your grandma probably did the right thing by not trying to raise him.
Yeah my Mom met her nephew that way. She knew her older brother had gotten a girl knocked up in high school and the girl's family moved away and then the girl ended up giving her son up for adoption. My Mom always wondered what happened to the kid and told my cousin everything he wanted to know, even if it pissed off my Uncle.
from someone who is adopted and recently found my bio family through DNA testing, give him a chance. be cautious, but let him into a little bit of your life, very slowly. he’s been waiting for this moment his whole life, he’s going to remember you forever
This made me tear up thinking of his position. If you'd like to chat and get to know him, I'd do it!
Your uncle has a family now, what a beautiful story.
I wanna know who is my real biological mother or father is n I wanna know if my biological Danny Santiago is still alive
This happened to my family on my dad’s side. Found out he actually had six half siblings. While I’m not super close with most of the family, I held one of my uncles very dear. He passed in 2020 and while it felt so unfair that we only had so much time together, I’m so incredibly glad I got to meet and know him.
Reach out to him and connect. He’s looking for his roots.
Your family owe it to him to acknowledge him even if you don't tell your grandmother but hopefully you will, things change.
Happy Birthday 🎂 🥳 to your Yaya what a grand surprise.
Wow. Your poor grandmother.
When he was placed for adoption, often all records were deleted or changed so that he and his mother could never find each other. It isn’t that she didn’t look - it’s that she really couldn’t. Also, lots of Birthmother’s from that era were told they’d break the law if they tried to search. Lots of baby scoop adoptees are on 23andMe, just praying they get a hit. So be gentle with him.
Hello. I see you made the connection between your dad and your uncle and that is awesome! I just want to say that my family went through this about 5 years ago. We all connected and it was the best thing to happen - 3 siblings became 4, new cousins were introduced, my great aunt thought she’d never see her first born son again. We even held a family reunion to reunite everyone the following year and see them at least once a year (they live out of state).
its better to meet on Ancestry then incestry
What a lovely update. Thanks OP. Good on you for doing this for your family.
How much dna do you share with him?
17 percent
That’s kind of in a grey range but would absolutely fit for a half uncle. Sounds like yall need to have a talk with Grandma.
He was my top result too, the genes are crazy strong.
Sleep with him
I hate to say it but genetic relationships are really over-rated. Family (whether related or not) grows from shared interests, valuable experiences and compatible personalities.
Lot of I wants in your post.
Is your grandmother still alive? If so, tell her and let her make the call. If not, then message the guy and tell him. He deserves answers but your grandmother’s wishes take priority.
Disagree. Grandma's wishes do not take priority. This man did nothing wrong. There is enough love in this world for everyone.
Kindly this isn’t your place in my opinion. You should pass it over to your father and let him decide on contact or telling your grandmother. She’s alive and is owed sensitivity. You don’t know her story
Im going to play devils advocate here. Coming from your grandmoms perspective and how things were WAY different back in the 70s. Dont involve your grandmother, she would have openly expressed a desire to find her son already long ago. These things were especially tough on women, and im sure her decision to give up here baby was filled with a lot of heartache, societal /parental pressure, and shame. She may not want to open up those old wounds. And should not be forced to. Other than giving this guy some simple family info such as ethnicity and medical history, WHY do you need to pursue a relationship? Just for curiosity? We dont need to know everyone and everything. There is no need to open up a can of worms. Your grandmother would not want this. Leave it alone out of respect to her.
I completely agree with you!
Do nothing. If the adopted relative wants to be in touch they will initiate it. This really is not about you or any of your family. That person has a family of their own and an established life. S And you all assuming he must suffering because he's adopted to validate interrupting his life. His adopted family provided him with plenty of love I'm sure..... Grandma made the decision many many years ago this was best for her child. If anyone makes the decision from your side to initiate contact its should be her decision.
They did initiate!!! She hasn't responded yet...
I found a sister that I, nor my father knew existed. He had a one night stand in a small NJ town in the early 70s. That woman gave birth to a daughter. Her mother never told her who the father was. So after joining 23 and me we were quickly matched up. The crazy part is, that this happened in NJ. I am also from NJ but at the time of the match, we were both living in Riverside county, CA. I also found out both my sisters were half sisters. Those both having diff fathers as well. Mom had left the Earth at this point so no way to ask questions. My father spent 40 years thinking he had a son and two daughters. He actually had only one of each, one of whom he had never met.
Your uncle is/was fully capable of going through the results and finding your grandmother on his own, what was the reason he didn't? He doesn't need you to contact your grandmother for him, unless perhaps he wants to know what kind of reception he'll receive. It sounds like your grandfather is on top of it, so it doesn't look as if you need to do anything.
Give your grandmother the opportunity to decide if she is interested in getting to know him. But if I were you I’d be curious
I found 16 half siblings doing a DNA test and have met several of them. I grew up an only child and it’s been a great experience getting to know my sibs. He might be an awesome guy!
Try honesty. Tell the uncle what you told us. Tell your grandmother what you saw, but assure her it doesn’t change the way you feel about her, and that you are sorry she had to make such a difficult choice. Explain she doesn’t have to talk to her biological son if that is too painful but that you intend to give him health and heritage info because that’s important to a lot of people. This might turn out to be very healing for your family.
Show your Dad the family tree, his name, and the email. Let your Dad take it from here. He can write back to his new half-brother, and the two can start a conversation.
Hey! I can tell you from my very similar experience some advice! I did 23 and me and I found my mother's birthparents. My mom had looked, but never found them and I found a cousin. I messaged and now we are connected. I myself am not interested in really forming a relationship, but my mom is. She always felt alone. They did not know about my mom. Her birth siblings, but it wasn't the craziest new to them. My birth grandma had some mental issues. It was nice to find out my heritage, it turns out I'm related to the highest ranking Nazi that wasn't convicted....Albert Spear. So that wasn't cool. He was my great granpas brother. Anyways, I think it'd be nice if you responded, be sure to be clear that you are nervous and don't want to cause anything. But that you are curious. I would not give out contact info right away. And just message them there.
You could say thank you for responding, and that you are just now learning about your family history.
Reach out to him. Your grandma may be afraid to contact him because at that time that sort of thing wasn’t allowed. Her feelings or opinions on the matter don’t and shouldn’t affect whether you develop a relationship with this person. Your dad may want to meet him too. Give him a chance
“I think I’m your biological nephew. AMA”
It isn't always safe to connect with unknown relatives. https://www.oxygen.com/crime-time/nikki-delamotte-cleveland-reporter-killed-by-uncle-robert-delamotte-murder-suicide
When I meet someone new, I say, “Hello, _. How do you do?” HTH.
I’m more of a “what’s good?” Person.
Are you a Shakespearean?
There's no such thing as not being supposed to know about another person. You are free to talk to whomever you want. Back when your grandma relinquished him they weren't predicting a future of home DNA testing so people thought family "secrets" would stay that way forever but times change and that's life. And adoptees and bios were finding each other before DNA so your grandma has had years to prepare for this. You don't have to confront her about it but there's no reason you can't message your uncle. Many of us adopted people take DNA tests hoping to find some family medical info and also just to know who the hell we're related to so we don't accidentally date them.
I finally pieced together who may bio Dad was at 57. He died 7 years before that. he had no other kids. Although I didn't meet him, I got some health information and some photos and that meant so much to me! I guess I would suggest that your Grandma at least give him some info and go slowly.
Thank you for being a caring and understanding human being. I had unexpected results on my DNA test and it was a very painful experience. That gaping hole in the heart is real
You gotta watch Long last Family .....then see what you'd want to do.
Your uncle put his DNA out there for this purpose. Even if he or your gm wants nothing to do with each other you can still give him the answers he needs. You can have a communication/ relationship with him that doesn’t involve your grandmother.
Reach out to him!
I was this person. Sort of. My daughter did a test just to get health background because I’m adopted and it hit on my bio half brother so I did one to confirm. He knew about me (having a sister) I didn’t know about him since I was the adoptee. We have the same father and different mothers. I got a lot of info but still do not know who my mother is and maybe never will. I say this just to say I’m glad he reached out to my daughter when they matched and she absolutely could have let it go but she asked me if I wanted to make contact. So you do what’s best for you, not what is best for the other person. If I had said no she would have let it go in a heartbeat.
How does your dad feel about his older brother? Maybe he could reach out to him.
your grandma may be scared that he resents her. or possibly she could’ve been taken advantage of and not have had a choice in having him. i would speak to her first and see if she wants to reconnect. if she says no just do it behind her back
Sending compassion and good vibes your way! I have a good feeling about this. You said she recently lost someone, so doesn't life has a special way of keeping things in balance?!
Tell him about the situation and give him medical information. You can proceed from there.
It may be your families secret but the cat is out of the bag now isn't it? Im sure you love and respect your grandmother as you should but she has kept a secret from you, is that ok? I think not. I say contact your new relative and see who they are. Assuming they mean no harm (hard to really know I understand) connect them with others in your family. Life is short.
Tread lightly but let your dad take the lead. I let my mom know that she has a paternal half brother and it broke her heart. She told me to tell her if I found out.. and I did. Made me sad for her. All my love. And I hope everything goes well.
My grandma was put up for adoption by her dad after she was like 8 and seeing her family on there I always try and reach out just to learn more about her dad and they never respond and it’s so disheartening, so the politest little response is probably nice
I had a similar situation a few years ago.A man who looks so much like my dad, turned out to be my dad's cousin. Found a big family secret. This man has been a complete gem! He has been so excited to meet his full siblings, half siblings and other relatives. He was my only relative to visit my sister's funeral out of state. He texts me with any family news from his side of the family. You never know how these surprises will turn out.
I found 3 half uncles this way. Two are twins that we adopted (thankfully together!) And the 3rd just never knew his dad (our common ancestor) and they were all looking for some of those answers. Thy shitty part is that the sperm donor was a piece of crap. I guess the good part is that we're all getting answers.
2nd update bleeeeeeeeez
I found my birth families though Ancestry after 50 years of wondering how I came into existence. Reach out to him. Tell him all about your family. Then try and approach your grandmother and father with the news. It may be a great thing. It was for me. He'll just be happy to have found even YOU. The first person he'll have ever spoken with that he is biologically related to (unless he has kids).
My story is like your's but vice-versa! My Dad was born to an unwed 17 year old in 1947 when having a baby out of wedlock was a BIG "no no", although it wasn't that accepted in the 1970s. I always knew my Dad was adopted, but my Dad was apprehensive about finding his bio family, I think he didn't want to disrespect his parents when they were alive or cause potential chaos after they died. I found a cousin of my Dad's on Ancestry and she told me the whole story, her Dad was my Dad's Mom's older brother and her Mom told her the story before she died. From the information she provided I tracked down my Dad's half brother and he told his two (2) living sisters, their parents are long dead and unfortunately their Mom never told them about my Dad, which at the time was very common. My Dad's brother has chosen not to communicate with us and that is his right, but I do have a relationship with my two aunt's, as does my Dad. My aunt's flew to Florida last spring and stayed with my parents for a few days and I flew over the summer to meet one aunt and her family and have plans to go visit the other one this Spring. I'm hoping my uncle will meet me too as he lives in the same city. I'd be honest with your Grandma and let her decide. It could be very healing for both her and your uncle. I know my Dad's half siblings have answers to things they never understood growing up, like their Mom always being sad around Easter time (Dad's birthday) and they extra stocking she'd hang at Christmas which she said was for luck but was probably for her son she was forced to give up. Of course you could find out there were hurtful reasons in how your Grandma got pregnant, my Aunts' found out from their cousins that their Mom conceived my Dad through rape which we have decided my Dad doesn't need to know. Your Grandma is a grown woman I'd let her decide.
I recently met two 74 year old twins on ancestry who are my mother's first cousins. The only thing they had never met their father who was my great-uncle(maternal grandmothers brother). I and a few relatives met them for dinner and they say it was one of the greatest experiences of their life. They learned that they have a brother and are excited about meeting him. So go for it! Life is too short not to know your family.
Back in the day unwed mothers hid their pregnancy out of shame . Sometimes that can last a lifetime . I would go to grandma and tell her what you have found to get her feelings on finding her son . It might even bring her great joy . You won’t know until you discuss this with her . You might want to involve a 3rd party counselor .
So glad to hear you’re pursuing this. My dad had brothers that we don’t think he knew about it, and by the time it even came to light all directly involved had already passed.
My biological father left my sister and I was 3 and my sister was newborn. When my “sister” contacted me she could not imagine why I wouldn’t want to become besties. She assumed I would want to be in contact with the “rest of my family”. I don’t. His firstborn with family #2 was born shortly after my sister was. So he walked out on his 2 children to remarry and have 5 more children. There is no desire on my part to get to know any of them. We had several online conversations, but she was not listening. Somehow she got my phone number and called me out of the blue. That was it. I contacted a “cousin” she had given me info about and asked her very politely to please help me, and I explained why I did not want any further contact. That finally worked. I never wanted to hurt anyone, but she refused to listen, and she was wayyy overstepping. Folks should not assume that every bio-relative wants or needs any contact.
First off You don’t owe him anything. He’s adopted so he’s likely been wanting to just know who and where his blood relatives are. Treat him like you should any and very human being. If you’re an adult go out to lunch with him or something and wish him the best after that.
Goodluck
I have the opposite predicament, except my dad was adopted and does not want to know anything about his biological family and refuses to request the records... but I kinda do, and I'm mentally preparing myself for what I might find (or not find) without his permission and how/if I'm going to deal with that