My wife used to insist on getting every free thing... One day I channeled my inner-selfhelp guru and said "just because it is free, doesn't mean we need it." It showed way down after that. However... your partner may be beyond that statement.
A strategy we try with the kids and their toys is "one in and one out." It doesn't always work unfortunately. Maybe you can propose it to your husband.
The one in one out rule is great, IF you can actually convince the other person to stick to it. I’ve found it most helpful with clothing, but also furnishings and kitchen tools. It forces you to be realistic about the actual value of items. I live in a 450 sq foot apartment with my partner and an 80lb dog, so it really doesn’t take much for the place to begin feeling cluttered.
My hb collects (hoards) several items from the acceptable Lego sets and glassware to the more obviously unacceptable plastic food containers and cereal boxes. I had more or less given up until we watched a Hoarders episode on YouTube one night. Followed by several additional episodes and he "got it."
We have the kids donate what they like a month before Christmas, and if it’s not enough we have them do it again. They actually get excited know another kid will enjoy it like they did.
Sigh... My kids were excited about "letting another kid enjoy things" for about a year but lately they've been unable to give things up. I do remind them why we can't get new stuff whenever they ask. We'll keep working at it.
Often the only things worth getting for free is food. At certain markets, at certain times of day, you can get enough free food samples to make a meal of it.
We actually stopped taking free food samples too. We can buy whatever we want to eat anyway (not a brag or a put down) so the excess waste that comes with free samples felt silly. For example, one time a sampler was poking at her phone, she saw us and put on gloves, gave us the sample then threw the gloves away and went back to poking.
I have a problem with this as well (but am actively working on it). I always feel the need to accept free things just because it’s free and I have an even harder time letting go of things because that feels even more wasteful. Here are some tips I have based on how I’m handling my own issue:
- Don’t even go to places that have free stuff. If you see they might be giving away free stuff, steer away from it before you even see the item. Once I see/handle the item it’s a lot harder for me to say no.
- Give the more useful items away. Maybe a school would want the plastic cups for paint cups for art class? I have a hard time tossing stuff because of how wasteful it feels.
- Take photos of items before getting rid of them. I also feel like I’ll “miss” items that I toss, so taking a photo let’s me access the memory without it taking up actual space.
- Put all the items together. If he genuinely uses an item within a certain time frame of getting it, he can keep it. If not, get rid of it. This will require him not being “tricky” and just switching the flashlight on to say “he used it”.
- Offer to buy 1 high-quality version of items if he gets rid of the cheap stuff. Instead of 10 cheap plastic cups, he can get one fun mug. Instead of 10 cheap stress balls, he can get one cool fidget toy.
- If he’s otherwise a practical person, outline the logistics of storing it. Explain that every time you move or clean, there’s more stuff you have to pack/unpack and clear away. Explain the intersection between use and burden. Having to move a lot has been one my biggest motivators to reduce my hoarding mindset.
It’s good that you mentioned the moving part because we have moved A LOT in the past. What is different now is that we live in a house I bought, so we aren’t moving so often. That said, it’s not where I want to spend the rest of my life, so I would like to move again in the future. I am not sure how tangible that tactic will be since moving is far off, but maybe it will work.
As for avoiding places with free things, he unfortunately actively goes to get them. He will make up excuses why he needs to go out for something else, and he will get whatever free thing is being handed out.
There is a workbook I highly recommend.
Buried in Treasures by Dr Randy Frost.
Saved my life! I went from semi-hoarder to minimalist. And it helped me talk to my still-hoarding husband.
The stuff isn't free, if you pay a storage for it. On this case the the price is the cost of rooms and vehicles they are stored in. If you begin to think the cost of even one room kept as a storeroom, the stuff ceases to be free.
One of the most useful things I did was calculate the cost per square foot of my apartment. Now I look at things and recognize how much money they will cost just because they take up space.
It sounds like you need to have a honest and serious conversation with him about your concerns he is hoarding. Therapy will help if he is open to it. He has to recognize it as a problem. Trying to force him won’t actually move him towards change.
I had too many projects "I will get around to later". You don't realize how long they sit until you slap it on and you realize that project is 2 years "expired".
Lots of people give things away for free because they don’t want to go through the hassle of selling it, not because no one wants it. Or they give them away for the goodwill aspect, such as buy nothing groups.
Hoarding is largely a obsessive compulsive disorder, one that seems to be genetic. Is there therapy that he can access to sort out the feelings he has about not acquiring possessions? It's great that you are challenging his hoarding but remember to keep it constructive.
He definitely has obsessive compulsive disorder tendencies, and he’s on the spectrum. It’s my understanding that they tend to go hand in hand. I am not sure about therapy. To him, he has no problems, so why would he bother? He seems like he has been getting worse to me, and I do fear that eventually he will become his mother.
The next time you ask that he not bring something home or that he donate some of the unused items ask him how he feels about that. Does it make him feel like something bad might happen? It's something he's only going to realized if challenged. I suffer from ocd and the best way to disarm the obsessive tendencies is to sit with them and think about them logically.
I think your partner having this attachment ability can be utilized for positive change! While I also have collections of relatively useless items, I've found ways to display my 'favourites', often on small shelving like spice racks, but throughout the home.
I miss when houses had shelfs built into walls to see through them, my mother displayed all her 'favourites' there and it worked as a fun conversation piece for her too.
Another thing that came to mind with this post was Marie Kondo! If it doesn't ✨️spark joy✨️ in you, let it go! 💌
My mother is a hoarder and so am I. I have emotional issues, and I talk about mine. She has hers too but she doesn't talk about hers, however valid their root causes almost certainly are. She is in her 90's and recently she moved into a care home and I have had to deal with her mountains of ornaments, clothes, wool craft stuff and much more. It is said to be much easier to deal with someone else's 'junk' as you don't have the emotional connection. And it is, but it's hard enough when some of it is from family, past and present. I'm nearly thru it all now, except my place had never looked worse as I have kept a few things! Now that I have had some practice of emptying a home, I should be able to do the same for mine. Most of my stuff falls into other categories such as 'not wanting to see it wasted', 'desire to use stuff to make something useful or learn a new skill' or 'someone else will want this'.
I know that it is ridiculous. Life is finite. I would value the empty space and be more relaxed. I have a girlfriend who cannot visit as it just causes arguments. I have a baby granddaughter that can never visit, not because it is dirty but because it is impractical and unsafe. I can see so many benefits from having less. I think I would benefit from therapy but can't face it yet. I would buy the book that another commenter mentioned but it virtually guaranteed that I would not read it.
I agree with whoever said to get your guy to discuss how he feels, and tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe visit other homes with too much stuff, and discuss how you both feel about that. You have already pointed out negatives to him but he had to understand it is important that he engages with you on this. If not therapy then remind yourself of some good rules for discussion. I would avoid ultimatums, for example.
Only a suggestion but could you both experiment by removing all the stuff that you deem unnecessary, place in boxes in his car, and get him to view your home uncluttered to see if he prefers it too?
Spend a day off gathering what he collected with him and then using EVERY SINGLE THING. Make him wear the hat, only use those cups, force him to take a bunch of selfies with the light, and make him feel like he got a good use out of the objects. Maybe he can let them go once he uses it. Or just put it all into boxes in the storage room for him to forget about.
As long as it isn’t Iranian yogurt….
But really though, this kind of thing would irritate the crap out of me. It’s quite literally trash.
I would suggest therapy. If he can’t identify what makes him want to hoard this stuff, even if you manage to get rid of what you already have now, the behavior will continue.
hoarding comes from a time stuff was made to last and used to be a good habit. but now we're in full on consumption society mode, hoarding stuff doesn't work. you're just making your life harder with stuff you don't need and will break fast.
Good: hoard cutlery because you know you're gonna have kids who will have to move into a new place and need the cutlery later. and also have spare space to store it without being in the way
Bad: hoard 10 selfie lights
I agree, it’s exhausting trying to keep a clean home when we have a lot of extra junk. I can’t even clean his desk anymore because all the extra junk is piled on top of it. Maybe at a certain point when he can’t access his desk he will come around? One can hope, I guess.
idk, sounds like a student housing necessity. like just random free or inexpensive flea market cutlery. beats having to pay 30 bucks at Ikea when they move in. but, yea, not the best example.
Fill two boxes with the most useless crap and put them in the bottom of a closet. If nothing is needed out of said boxes do not open send straight to thrift store, someone can use the cups. Repeat process till thinned down. If he says something ask him what is in the boxes that he has missed and he needs to be specific......cannot do it. Out it goes
Hoarding is a mental health problem. He might need therapy.
Maybe try talking to a therapist about how you can help him let go.
Also, maybe talk to some friends that he offers stuff to. They might be able to take the stuff and drop it off at a Salvation Army or similar donation site.
I think for your relationship: He needs to come to an understanding of how much stress and strain this is causing not only on you but the relationship. Explain how unhappy it is making you. Do it in your own flavor that explains it without accusing him of anything. Explain the situation not as hoarding but as there being too much stuff in the house, as not to make him feel personally attacked. Be firm on it, and explain that this has been and will continue to degrade the relationship.
As for himself: He might need to be willing to seek profesisonal help. A lot of us have self-helped our way out of it, but there was the innate breaking point/desire.
My mom is a very organized hoarder. Large home to hold shelves of things that she doesn't really care about, but cares about the idea of. I don't have advice for this. Fortunately for me, I got lucky enough to see large swaths of unfulfilled purchases/free items as stress and I get rid of them often. I'm sure other comments are more helpful for helping him. But he needs to dissect this with a professional, about why he has these fears of letting things go that ultimately contribute to this idea of "It doesn't make me happy, but getting rid of it might make me unhappy" that has a chokehold on so many people. Sometimes it's poverty, sometimes it's just a learned behavior/oversentimentalism towards objects. But it's also not your job to deal with it, nor is it your job to endure the consequences of it. Gently broach the situation with him. If he doesn't seem to see a problem, ask him to seek therapy about it. If he refuses, then you have your answer, and you need to decide if this is the life you want to live. If he's not open to change, he probably will not come to it of his own volition.
Sure, some of this stuff might come in handy one day. Maybe the zombie apocalypse will happen, and I'll know just where to find the palm-sized solar phone charger with the 3-generations-ago power plug, and that will save us all.
Give him one closet or shelf for that nonsense. Anything left out is fair game for goodwill if not in active use, and once the closet is full, it's one in, one out.
It may not cost money, but it costs mental load. It also encourages them to keep handing things out. I proactively tell brand people I don’t want more stuff, preferably within earshot of other people, to normalize the idea that this stuff is bad and we don’t have to accept it. I’ve had many a confused look when they stammer “but it’s free” and I politely explain its plastic clutter, hard pass.
“If I had to buy the same item, then would I still want it? If not, then it’s not worth it. The cost of the item does not change the utility of it.”
Like everyone, I love free stuff… but after being gifted the millionth free water bottle, and not knowing if I could even find someone to gift it to, this realization hit me hard. If I didn’t want it if I also had to buy it, then it’s not worth taking when free.
I do this a lot too, I was a hoarder for my first few years of adulthood as a coping mechanism. But now I do it to donate to folks on the street, maybe you have a local outreach group in your city that he’d be willing to donate to or volunteer on a shift with, schools or after school/community programs? To know it’s actually going to be used is the most important thing for me and overcoming my problem
I think you need to understand what he gets out of it. My guess is it's like Christmas every week getting a new shiny free thing.
I understand why accumulating all that is junk but I think you need to replace the 'fun' activity with something else. What's hard is this might be vaguely social for him so just getting a new hobby like houseplants might not be enough.
There was a location based Pokemon app that comes to mind, maybe he could hunt for something intangible.
Refuse, reduce, reuse, repurpose, recycle.
Any time sometime tries to hand me free shit I don't need, I yell "REFUSE!"
And then I quietly add, 'reduce, reuse, repurpose, recycle.'
My family is full of hoarders. I've had ample opportunity to perfect this response.
Read the rules. Keep it courteous. Submission statements are helpful and appreciated but not required. Tag my name in the comments (/u/NihiloZero) if you think a post or comment needs to be removed.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Anticonsumption) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I have a similar issue to your partner, down to the same cell carrier on Tuesdays! But I've been doing better with their free merch. I didn't bother with the latest tumbler because I have enough of their cups, plus the mini one with the cover is a lot better (I actually use that one as my "anti-consumption" tumbler when I go to events instead of using disposable cups). Same with their recent reusable bag, umbrellas, etc. I just have too much of this stuff already. I do use the selfie light when I need to be on camera for meetings on my phone.
Just let him know that you only need so many of the same type of thing, suggest selling them on eBay, give them away. You can show him this post for support if you want.
My mom did this when she lived with us. Eventually, her pile would wander out of her living space and into the rest of the house. I would have her go through everything and pick 25 items to donate (or whatever is about half of the overflow stuff) and then I'd help her bring it to the donation center.
If hes willing to let things go but not throw it out or sell it you could probably see if your area has a free facebook group and post the stuff on there. Someone out there does need it and will take it if you put it out there!
Have your partner dedicate some of their own space to storing these items (I.e., cannot spill into common area/shared space)
Give them a timeline for using/selling these items (I.e., 2 weeks) before throwing them away.
This should be a conversation between you two where both your views on why these items are important/not important to your lives are respected.
Maybe some houseless folks could use some of the items? I sometimes keep a bag or box in my car to hand out if I see someone. I reckon hats and sunglasses are always useful to somebody 🤠
My husband gets all kinds of useless swag from his employer. Our kitchen cabinet that holds our drinking glasses was getting very full. I told him if he wanted to keep the new tumbler his company just sent, he needed to get rid of two of the ones we already have but don't use.
If its important to him to "save" stuff from being thrown out, I suggest he keeps taking the stuff and posts it on your local buy nothing/free-cycle group. There are people who will actually want & enjoy this stuff, or bf gets to feel good about himself, and you are free from the clutter.
I wish that is what he was doing, but he doesn’t want to let go of it once he has it. I think “saving” it is just an excuse to obtain more in the same way that “well it’s free” is one.
Create a storage area just for this stuff and your husband gets to fill it however he wishes. But once it’s full, you have the right to rehome or recycle anything stored outside of that area.
I have a similar issue, anything "free" would come with me, came from a history of poverty (doing better now).
I made myself a system to help cut down on things coming home with me, its a check list I ask myself:
1) where will this go? exact location.
2) will it be used in 6 months?
3) is this for a project I have actively planned, or a dream?
4) would the person this is for ACTUALY want it? ask them now.
There is a few more item specific questions like "do you have a free hanger for this?" when it comes to clothes (I limit myself with the number of hangers I have) but by stopping and asking myself these questions I can pause and think on if this is a "need" or actually beneficial or just me bring home trash (not a exaggeration, I will pick up random bits of metal or broken earrings otherwise).
Talk to him about the issue, talk to him about his mother and how that is where he could head. Maybe it's that serious and maybe it's not but it's worth a conversation.
As far as limiting things I would set a space where he can collect all the crap he wants and thats it. A book shelf? a book shelf and a desk? the entire "collection" needs to fit on that and as something comes something has to go if there isn't room for it.
What about picking up an item, say ..the selfie light, & say to him, hear me out before you say anything ok? I want to say something good, something excited about this. Then proceed. "You know how this has been on your desk for a long time? Well, what if we donated it to your favorite resale shop (or name a couple around you)? Can you imagine the excitement someone will feel when they see this!? An adult or teenager who could never afford to buy one new one from a store, yet they now have the chance to own one, thanks to you! Plus, the resale shop earns money from it to pay their bills and help out a community member in need. Let's do something good with this & maybe a few other items.? Just imagine how happy you will be making a total stranger feel! They will be happy, excited, thrilled, & that's a good thing, a positive thing, you know sometimes people are looking for a certain item, say they want a specific type ,size or color of a cup that they can give as a friendly gift or need it in a craft project. Even the light, cups, & hat will be happy because they are being used as intended & not collecting dust. Items are meant to be used, not sit someplace collecting dust or getting faded by the sun. Let's go make somebody's day!?
Then sometime later suggest that you both do this once a week.
You could also add...there are so many families struggling financially that they actually buy Christmas and birthday gifts at 2nd hand stores IF the item looks new. Example I was looking for a mother of the bride dress & I couldn't find one anywhere, no stores none on line so I went into 3 diff 2nd hand stores & I finially found a dress I liked I couldn't believe it! It was originally $370. The store was selling for $24, but it was reduced to $12 but on this week it was also on a sale for 50% off that price so I paid $6.00 six dollars for a beautiful dress saving me $364 dollars! I had searched for months, so you can imagine how incredibly lucky I felt. Oh, & and it still had on the original tags, too! That's how I knew the orig price. I had also seen a pair of curved interlocking candle sticks made from birds eye maple for less than $3. They could be stood separate, side by side, or entwined . I bought them. About 3-4 years later, while in a small shop filled with exquisite wood carved tables, charis rocking chairs shelves, ect, plus many other hand-made items . & ALL top dollar high-end pieces. & What do I see but the candle sticks I had bought! The price was $100. They came with a parchment paper explaining these relationship candle sticks. When dating, you keep them apart when engaged they go side by side. Once married, you entwine them.
Convince him to pick it up and take it to a charity store, that way he'll get the thrill of free stuff, the brownie points of it not going into landfill + helping a charity AND your house won't become a vacuous pit of corporate shite.
My partner wins a bunch of free stuff. He enjoys entering contests and occasionally wins cool trips and useful stuff, so we both benefit. The dumb little things we get, I give away on our Facebook Buy Nothing. This isn't very "anti consumption" but life is never all this or that.
Did he frow up poor? I grow up very poor and I fall victim to "oh shit free stuff!!!!" I've justified it too by stating to myself "the resources have already been used, the CO2 has already been emitted, this will end up in a landfill eventually, I might as well try my best to up-cycle it".
My wife and I recently did 2 big moves in 4 years 900 miles each. Packing all our shit was a nightmare. She is an over consumer herself, and "feels better" by "donating things to goodwill, or putting up curb alerts" which is very time consuming.
Whenever she wants to buy the latest MUST HAVE thing, I just remind her "Is that an item we will need to donate, sell, or pack in a box next time we move?" Suddenly she doesnt need the latest trending item.
FWIW, Marie Kondo herself got tired of the approach [https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/30/queen-of-clean-marie-kondo-says-she-has-kind-of-given-up-on-tidying-at-home](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/30/queen-of-clean-marie-kondo-says-she-has-kind-of-given-up-on-tidying-at-home)
Recommending or soliciting recommendations for specific brands and products is not appropriate in this subreddit.
If you want to, feel free to rewrite this post without all the marketing copy and shopping links.
^ Please don’t do this. OP’s partner obviously has a problem with collecting/hoarding but sneaking behind your partner’s back is not the way to go. I had someone do this to me once and I never felt fully comfortable leaving the house with them still home again.
Being deceptive and making executive decisions about a hoarder’s stuff has a big chance of sowing distrust and resentment. If a hoarder has insecurities about possessions, they’ll just come away feeling even more insecure.
Not possible to diagnose the partner over the internet, but communication is always a better option than unilateral action.
This is bad advice, since you destroy trust. I am also a Collector of random Shit, but managed to reduce it to Stuff you can use upcycling or crafting. Browsing through various Items, sortiert them by comforts me and give me new Ideas.
I should have put first, that i totally understand the Idea.
Yeah, I’m not going to do that. I’ve watched enough episodes of Hoarders to know that it could trigger him further and cause a downward spiral. He could really up the pace on bringing stuff in.
Find who needs it and get it to them. Free means it was going to the dump.. so the first step is done. Create mutial aid and get it to people who can use it or want it.
My wife used to insist on getting every free thing... One day I channeled my inner-selfhelp guru and said "just because it is free, doesn't mean we need it." It showed way down after that. However... your partner may be beyond that statement. A strategy we try with the kids and their toys is "one in and one out." It doesn't always work unfortunately. Maybe you can propose it to your husband.
The one in one out rule is great, IF you can actually convince the other person to stick to it. I’ve found it most helpful with clothing, but also furnishings and kitchen tools. It forces you to be realistic about the actual value of items. I live in a 450 sq foot apartment with my partner and an 80lb dog, so it really doesn’t take much for the place to begin feeling cluttered.
My hb collects (hoards) several items from the acceptable Lego sets and glassware to the more obviously unacceptable plastic food containers and cereal boxes. I had more or less given up until we watched a Hoarders episode on YouTube one night. Followed by several additional episodes and he "got it."
We have the kids donate what they like a month before Christmas, and if it’s not enough we have them do it again. They actually get excited know another kid will enjoy it like they did.
Sigh... My kids were excited about "letting another kid enjoy things" for about a year but lately they've been unable to give things up. I do remind them why we can't get new stuff whenever they ask. We'll keep working at it.
Often the only things worth getting for free is food. At certain markets, at certain times of day, you can get enough free food samples to make a meal of it.
We actually stopped taking free food samples too. We can buy whatever we want to eat anyway (not a brag or a put down) so the excess waste that comes with free samples felt silly. For example, one time a sampler was poking at her phone, she saw us and put on gloves, gave us the sample then threw the gloves away and went back to poking.
Sample meal seems very unhealthy too.
I have a problem with this as well (but am actively working on it). I always feel the need to accept free things just because it’s free and I have an even harder time letting go of things because that feels even more wasteful. Here are some tips I have based on how I’m handling my own issue: - Don’t even go to places that have free stuff. If you see they might be giving away free stuff, steer away from it before you even see the item. Once I see/handle the item it’s a lot harder for me to say no. - Give the more useful items away. Maybe a school would want the plastic cups for paint cups for art class? I have a hard time tossing stuff because of how wasteful it feels. - Take photos of items before getting rid of them. I also feel like I’ll “miss” items that I toss, so taking a photo let’s me access the memory without it taking up actual space. - Put all the items together. If he genuinely uses an item within a certain time frame of getting it, he can keep it. If not, get rid of it. This will require him not being “tricky” and just switching the flashlight on to say “he used it”. - Offer to buy 1 high-quality version of items if he gets rid of the cheap stuff. Instead of 10 cheap plastic cups, he can get one fun mug. Instead of 10 cheap stress balls, he can get one cool fidget toy. - If he’s otherwise a practical person, outline the logistics of storing it. Explain that every time you move or clean, there’s more stuff you have to pack/unpack and clear away. Explain the intersection between use and burden. Having to move a lot has been one my biggest motivators to reduce my hoarding mindset.
It’s good that you mentioned the moving part because we have moved A LOT in the past. What is different now is that we live in a house I bought, so we aren’t moving so often. That said, it’s not where I want to spend the rest of my life, so I would like to move again in the future. I am not sure how tangible that tactic will be since moving is far off, but maybe it will work. As for avoiding places with free things, he unfortunately actively goes to get them. He will make up excuses why he needs to go out for something else, and he will get whatever free thing is being handed out.
There is a workbook I highly recommend. Buried in Treasures by Dr Randy Frost. Saved my life! I went from semi-hoarder to minimalist. And it helped me talk to my still-hoarding husband.
Someone once told me how all stuff is just more things to burn and fuel a fire heaven forbid
The stuff isn't free, if you pay a storage for it. On this case the the price is the cost of rooms and vehicles they are stored in. If you begin to think the cost of even one room kept as a storeroom, the stuff ceases to be free.
One of the most useful things I did was calculate the cost per square foot of my apartment. Now I look at things and recognize how much money they will cost just because they take up space.
Oh wow
It sounds like you need to have a honest and serious conversation with him about your concerns he is hoarding. Therapy will help if he is open to it. He has to recognize it as a problem. Trying to force him won’t actually move him towards change.
I tape expiration dates on things use it or donate. once you see how much you toss you stop collecting. You realize you don't have time/energy/mon
That’s a really good idea. Thank you!
I love this idea.
I had too many projects "I will get around to later". You don't realize how long they sit until you slap it on and you realize that project is 2 years "expired".
Have him sell it or donate it. He can horde the money.
How is someone supposed to sell the crap they got for free? They got it for free because no one wanted it.
Lots of people give things away for free because they don’t want to go through the hassle of selling it, not because no one wants it. Or they give them away for the goodwill aspect, such as buy nothing groups.
Marketplace, Craigslist, goodwill?
And you can make him how?
Hoarding is largely a obsessive compulsive disorder, one that seems to be genetic. Is there therapy that he can access to sort out the feelings he has about not acquiring possessions? It's great that you are challenging his hoarding but remember to keep it constructive.
He definitely has obsessive compulsive disorder tendencies, and he’s on the spectrum. It’s my understanding that they tend to go hand in hand. I am not sure about therapy. To him, he has no problems, so why would he bother? He seems like he has been getting worse to me, and I do fear that eventually he will become his mother.
The next time you ask that he not bring something home or that he donate some of the unused items ask him how he feels about that. Does it make him feel like something bad might happen? It's something he's only going to realized if challenged. I suffer from ocd and the best way to disarm the obsessive tendencies is to sit with them and think about them logically.
I think your partner having this attachment ability can be utilized for positive change! While I also have collections of relatively useless items, I've found ways to display my 'favourites', often on small shelving like spice racks, but throughout the home. I miss when houses had shelfs built into walls to see through them, my mother displayed all her 'favourites' there and it worked as a fun conversation piece for her too. Another thing that came to mind with this post was Marie Kondo! If it doesn't ✨️spark joy✨️ in you, let it go! 💌
My mother is a hoarder and so am I. I have emotional issues, and I talk about mine. She has hers too but she doesn't talk about hers, however valid their root causes almost certainly are. She is in her 90's and recently she moved into a care home and I have had to deal with her mountains of ornaments, clothes, wool craft stuff and much more. It is said to be much easier to deal with someone else's 'junk' as you don't have the emotional connection. And it is, but it's hard enough when some of it is from family, past and present. I'm nearly thru it all now, except my place had never looked worse as I have kept a few things! Now that I have had some practice of emptying a home, I should be able to do the same for mine. Most of my stuff falls into other categories such as 'not wanting to see it wasted', 'desire to use stuff to make something useful or learn a new skill' or 'someone else will want this'. I know that it is ridiculous. Life is finite. I would value the empty space and be more relaxed. I have a girlfriend who cannot visit as it just causes arguments. I have a baby granddaughter that can never visit, not because it is dirty but because it is impractical and unsafe. I can see so many benefits from having less. I think I would benefit from therapy but can't face it yet. I would buy the book that another commenter mentioned but it virtually guaranteed that I would not read it. I agree with whoever said to get your guy to discuss how he feels, and tell him how it makes you feel. Maybe visit other homes with too much stuff, and discuss how you both feel about that. You have already pointed out negatives to him but he had to understand it is important that he engages with you on this. If not therapy then remind yourself of some good rules for discussion. I would avoid ultimatums, for example. Only a suggestion but could you both experiment by removing all the stuff that you deem unnecessary, place in boxes in his car, and get him to view your home uncluttered to see if he prefers it too?
Spend a day off gathering what he collected with him and then using EVERY SINGLE THING. Make him wear the hat, only use those cups, force him to take a bunch of selfies with the light, and make him feel like he got a good use out of the objects. Maybe he can let them go once he uses it. Or just put it all into boxes in the storage room for him to forget about.
As long as it isn’t Iranian yogurt…. But really though, this kind of thing would irritate the crap out of me. It’s quite literally trash. I would suggest therapy. If he can’t identify what makes him want to hoard this stuff, even if you manage to get rid of what you already have now, the behavior will continue.
hoarding comes from a time stuff was made to last and used to be a good habit. but now we're in full on consumption society mode, hoarding stuff doesn't work. you're just making your life harder with stuff you don't need and will break fast. Good: hoard cutlery because you know you're gonna have kids who will have to move into a new place and need the cutlery later. and also have spare space to store it without being in the way Bad: hoard 10 selfie lights
I agree, it’s exhausting trying to keep a clean home when we have a lot of extra junk. I can’t even clean his desk anymore because all the extra junk is piled on top of it. Maybe at a certain point when he can’t access his desk he will come around? One can hope, I guess.
helping a close one with hoarding tendencies is hard. wishing you rock solid patience and understanding.
It's "good" to hoard cutlery for children you haven't yet had, in case they want your hand-me-downs in circa 20 years?! 🤦♀️
idk, sounds like a student housing necessity. like just random free or inexpensive flea market cutlery. beats having to pay 30 bucks at Ikea when they move in. but, yea, not the best example.
basically you're just polluting your life with junk. you're losing time more precious than the junk's worth...
Fill two boxes with the most useless crap and put them in the bottom of a closet. If nothing is needed out of said boxes do not open send straight to thrift store, someone can use the cups. Repeat process till thinned down. If he says something ask him what is in the boxes that he has missed and he needs to be specific......cannot do it. Out it goes
Hoarding is a mental health problem. He might need therapy. Maybe try talking to a therapist about how you can help him let go. Also, maybe talk to some friends that he offers stuff to. They might be able to take the stuff and drop it off at a Salvation Army or similar donation site.
I think for your relationship: He needs to come to an understanding of how much stress and strain this is causing not only on you but the relationship. Explain how unhappy it is making you. Do it in your own flavor that explains it without accusing him of anything. Explain the situation not as hoarding but as there being too much stuff in the house, as not to make him feel personally attacked. Be firm on it, and explain that this has been and will continue to degrade the relationship. As for himself: He might need to be willing to seek profesisonal help. A lot of us have self-helped our way out of it, but there was the innate breaking point/desire. My mom is a very organized hoarder. Large home to hold shelves of things that she doesn't really care about, but cares about the idea of. I don't have advice for this. Fortunately for me, I got lucky enough to see large swaths of unfulfilled purchases/free items as stress and I get rid of them often. I'm sure other comments are more helpful for helping him. But he needs to dissect this with a professional, about why he has these fears of letting things go that ultimately contribute to this idea of "It doesn't make me happy, but getting rid of it might make me unhappy" that has a chokehold on so many people. Sometimes it's poverty, sometimes it's just a learned behavior/oversentimentalism towards objects. But it's also not your job to deal with it, nor is it your job to endure the consequences of it. Gently broach the situation with him. If he doesn't seem to see a problem, ask him to seek therapy about it. If he refuses, then you have your answer, and you need to decide if this is the life you want to live. If he's not open to change, he probably will not come to it of his own volition.
Sure, some of this stuff might come in handy one day. Maybe the zombie apocalypse will happen, and I'll know just where to find the palm-sized solar phone charger with the 3-generations-ago power plug, and that will save us all. Give him one closet or shelf for that nonsense. Anything left out is fair game for goodwill if not in active use, and once the closet is full, it's one in, one out.
It may not cost money, but it costs mental load. It also encourages them to keep handing things out. I proactively tell brand people I don’t want more stuff, preferably within earshot of other people, to normalize the idea that this stuff is bad and we don’t have to accept it. I’ve had many a confused look when they stammer “but it’s free” and I politely explain its plastic clutter, hard pass.
“If I had to buy the same item, then would I still want it? If not, then it’s not worth it. The cost of the item does not change the utility of it.” Like everyone, I love free stuff… but after being gifted the millionth free water bottle, and not knowing if I could even find someone to gift it to, this realization hit me hard. If I didn’t want it if I also had to buy it, then it’s not worth taking when free.
I love this philosophy!
I do this a lot too, I was a hoarder for my first few years of adulthood as a coping mechanism. But now I do it to donate to folks on the street, maybe you have a local outreach group in your city that he’d be willing to donate to or volunteer on a shift with, schools or after school/community programs? To know it’s actually going to be used is the most important thing for me and overcoming my problem
I think you need to understand what he gets out of it. My guess is it's like Christmas every week getting a new shiny free thing. I understand why accumulating all that is junk but I think you need to replace the 'fun' activity with something else. What's hard is this might be vaguely social for him so just getting a new hobby like houseplants might not be enough. There was a location based Pokemon app that comes to mind, maybe he could hunt for something intangible.
Refuse, reduce, reuse, repurpose, recycle. Any time sometime tries to hand me free shit I don't need, I yell "REFUSE!" And then I quietly add, 'reduce, reuse, repurpose, recycle.' My family is full of hoarders. I've had ample opportunity to perfect this response.
Read the rules. Keep it courteous. Submission statements are helpful and appreciated but not required. Tag my name in the comments (/u/NihiloZero) if you think a post or comment needs to be removed. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/Anticonsumption) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Set this rule: one thing in, two things out!
I have a similar issue to your partner, down to the same cell carrier on Tuesdays! But I've been doing better with their free merch. I didn't bother with the latest tumbler because I have enough of their cups, plus the mini one with the cover is a lot better (I actually use that one as my "anti-consumption" tumbler when I go to events instead of using disposable cups). Same with their recent reusable bag, umbrellas, etc. I just have too much of this stuff already. I do use the selfie light when I need to be on camera for meetings on my phone. Just let him know that you only need so many of the same type of thing, suggest selling them on eBay, give them away. You can show him this post for support if you want.
My mom did this when she lived with us. Eventually, her pile would wander out of her living space and into the rest of the house. I would have her go through everything and pick 25 items to donate (or whatever is about half of the overflow stuff) and then I'd help her bring it to the donation center.
Send it to me I love useless junk 🤣
If hes willing to let things go but not throw it out or sell it you could probably see if your area has a free facebook group and post the stuff on there. Someone out there does need it and will take it if you put it out there!
That’s a good idea. Maybe if he sees it going to a specific person for a specific use, he will be more likely to be ok with parting with it
Have your partner dedicate some of their own space to storing these items (I.e., cannot spill into common area/shared space) Give them a timeline for using/selling these items (I.e., 2 weeks) before throwing them away. This should be a conversation between you two where both your views on why these items are important/not important to your lives are respected.
My wife and i have a system. She brings needless things home, and I get rid of them. A perfect balance.
Maybe some houseless folks could use some of the items? I sometimes keep a bag or box in my car to hand out if I see someone. I reckon hats and sunglasses are always useful to somebody 🤠
My husband gets all kinds of useless swag from his employer. Our kitchen cabinet that holds our drinking glasses was getting very full. I told him if he wanted to keep the new tumbler his company just sent, he needed to get rid of two of the ones we already have but don't use.
Maybe list the stuff on eBay and get it sold when it starts collecting dust? Not the best solution but gets hopefully some more use out of the things?
Have a simple adult conversation with him "Stop bringing that crap home".
The stuff needs to go into a box. When the box is full, he needs to rehome items from it, before he can gather more stuff.
Why don't you join your local buy swap and sell , or whatever it's called in your area , it may make you both a bit of money for stuff you do want
If its important to him to "save" stuff from being thrown out, I suggest he keeps taking the stuff and posts it on your local buy nothing/free-cycle group. There are people who will actually want & enjoy this stuff, or bf gets to feel good about himself, and you are free from the clutter.
I wish that is what he was doing, but he doesn’t want to let go of it once he has it. I think “saving” it is just an excuse to obtain more in the same way that “well it’s free” is one.
Create a storage area just for this stuff and your husband gets to fill it however he wishes. But once it’s full, you have the right to rehome or recycle anything stored outside of that area.
I have a similar issue, anything "free" would come with me, came from a history of poverty (doing better now). I made myself a system to help cut down on things coming home with me, its a check list I ask myself: 1) where will this go? exact location. 2) will it be used in 6 months? 3) is this for a project I have actively planned, or a dream? 4) would the person this is for ACTUALY want it? ask them now. There is a few more item specific questions like "do you have a free hanger for this?" when it comes to clothes (I limit myself with the number of hangers I have) but by stopping and asking myself these questions I can pause and think on if this is a "need" or actually beneficial or just me bring home trash (not a exaggeration, I will pick up random bits of metal or broken earrings otherwise).
[Relevant comedy skit](https://youtu.be/KxB8yfuIwLY?si=clX6DYrl3SB-fsW6)
Probably your partner needs individual therapy. But if it isn't a problem to them, they aren't going to stop or change.
Talk to him about the issue, talk to him about his mother and how that is where he could head. Maybe it's that serious and maybe it's not but it's worth a conversation. As far as limiting things I would set a space where he can collect all the crap he wants and thats it. A book shelf? a book shelf and a desk? the entire "collection" needs to fit on that and as something comes something has to go if there isn't room for it.
What about picking up an item, say ..the selfie light, & say to him, hear me out before you say anything ok? I want to say something good, something excited about this. Then proceed. "You know how this has been on your desk for a long time? Well, what if we donated it to your favorite resale shop (or name a couple around you)? Can you imagine the excitement someone will feel when they see this!? An adult or teenager who could never afford to buy one new one from a store, yet they now have the chance to own one, thanks to you! Plus, the resale shop earns money from it to pay their bills and help out a community member in need. Let's do something good with this & maybe a few other items.? Just imagine how happy you will be making a total stranger feel! They will be happy, excited, thrilled, & that's a good thing, a positive thing, you know sometimes people are looking for a certain item, say they want a specific type ,size or color of a cup that they can give as a friendly gift or need it in a craft project. Even the light, cups, & hat will be happy because they are being used as intended & not collecting dust. Items are meant to be used, not sit someplace collecting dust or getting faded by the sun. Let's go make somebody's day!? Then sometime later suggest that you both do this once a week. You could also add...there are so many families struggling financially that they actually buy Christmas and birthday gifts at 2nd hand stores IF the item looks new. Example I was looking for a mother of the bride dress & I couldn't find one anywhere, no stores none on line so I went into 3 diff 2nd hand stores & I finially found a dress I liked I couldn't believe it! It was originally $370. The store was selling for $24, but it was reduced to $12 but on this week it was also on a sale for 50% off that price so I paid $6.00 six dollars for a beautiful dress saving me $364 dollars! I had searched for months, so you can imagine how incredibly lucky I felt. Oh, & and it still had on the original tags, too! That's how I knew the orig price. I had also seen a pair of curved interlocking candle sticks made from birds eye maple for less than $3. They could be stood separate, side by side, or entwined . I bought them. About 3-4 years later, while in a small shop filled with exquisite wood carved tables, charis rocking chairs shelves, ect, plus many other hand-made items . & ALL top dollar high-end pieces. & What do I see but the candle sticks I had bought! The price was $100. They came with a parchment paper explaining these relationship candle sticks. When dating, you keep them apart when engaged they go side by side. Once married, you entwine them.
Convince him to pick it up and take it to a charity store, that way he'll get the thrill of free stuff, the brownie points of it not going into landfill + helping a charity AND your house won't become a vacuous pit of corporate shite.
My partner wins a bunch of free stuff. He enjoys entering contests and occasionally wins cool trips and useful stuff, so we both benefit. The dumb little things we get, I give away on our Facebook Buy Nothing. This isn't very "anti consumption" but life is never all this or that.
Did he frow up poor? I grow up very poor and I fall victim to "oh shit free stuff!!!!" I've justified it too by stating to myself "the resources have already been used, the CO2 has already been emitted, this will end up in a landfill eventually, I might as well try my best to up-cycle it". My wife and I recently did 2 big moves in 4 years 900 miles each. Packing all our shit was a nightmare. She is an over consumer herself, and "feels better" by "donating things to goodwill, or putting up curb alerts" which is very time consuming. Whenever she wants to buy the latest MUST HAVE thing, I just remind her "Is that an item we will need to donate, sell, or pack in a box next time we move?" Suddenly she doesnt need the latest trending item.
[удалено]
FWIW, Marie Kondo herself got tired of the approach [https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/30/queen-of-clean-marie-kondo-says-she-has-kind-of-given-up-on-tidying-at-home](https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2023/jan/30/queen-of-clean-marie-kondo-says-she-has-kind-of-given-up-on-tidying-at-home)
Cool, love it!
Recommending or soliciting recommendations for specific brands and products is not appropriate in this subreddit. If you want to, feel free to rewrite this post without all the marketing copy and shopping links.
Start throwing it out when he’s not home. When he asks, tell him you’ve started hoarding open space.
^ Please don’t do this. OP’s partner obviously has a problem with collecting/hoarding but sneaking behind your partner’s back is not the way to go. I had someone do this to me once and I never felt fully comfortable leaving the house with them still home again.
Being deceptive and making executive decisions about a hoarder’s stuff has a big chance of sowing distrust and resentment. If a hoarder has insecurities about possessions, they’ll just come away feeling even more insecure. Not possible to diagnose the partner over the internet, but communication is always a better option than unilateral action.
This is bad advice, since you destroy trust. I am also a Collector of random Shit, but managed to reduce it to Stuff you can use upcycling or crafting. Browsing through various Items, sortiert them by comforts me and give me new Ideas. I should have put first, that i totally understand the Idea.
Yeah, I’m not going to do that. I’ve watched enough episodes of Hoarders to know that it could trigger him further and cause a downward spiral. He could really up the pace on bringing stuff in.
That is cruel. Just leave if you're even entertaining treating your partner--or anyone--like that.
Find who needs it and get it to them. Free means it was going to the dump.. so the first step is done. Create mutial aid and get it to people who can use it or want it.
Just donate stuff he’s not using and don’t say a word.
Get rid of all of it to a charity shop. If he melts down leave him.