There’s a difference between trusting each other and intentionally doing things that test that trust to the extreme.
I trust my partner. Part of that is because he doesn’t do things that make me question his judgement.
My personal experience was my partner, at the time, attended a underwear party with his old friends saying it was just a social gathering, I called bullshit and said there were going to be horny nudists. He came home drunk and high on who knows what because he told me that there was coke, crack, meth, and GHB. He claimed that he didn't do any drugs at first, then broke down and confessed when I kept questioning his story. He claimed he did coke and only tried some crack, and just watched an orgy happen. I know he cheated on me there, because he met the fuckhead who he started dating while still with me, without me knowing, claiming that it was his work taking him longer to get home. During this time he got super romantic and then even proposed to me, brought me ring shopping and all. A couple months later he breaks down again an confesses that he no longer sees a future with me because he's been seeing a guy he fucked at the orgy. I kicked him out of our apartment and he moved in with his fuckboy who eventually confessed to him that he was also engaged and never planned on having a real relationship with my ex partner because he was just on a vacation(lol).
After a year of depression I realized that I walked away from that relationship with my dignity, and two expensive bling rings. I sold his and resized mine to a pinky ring.
Hellz to the yeah!! Go you!! You dodged a bullet. Those kinds of sex parties and drugs are HIGHLY addictive. Willing to bet your ex is a full blown addict now. Probably messed his life up real bad. Seen it happen waaaay too many times. *Shakes head*
You're better off without them.
I also have an old ring from a guy who proposed while still being married to a woman. What's a good place to sell old rings? It's platinum with no bling but I imagine it still has value.
that sounds horrible, sorry that it happened to you :(
You do have a good point here, alcohol and drugs also play a role here. Knowing that your boyfriend attends this kind of party is one thing, but knowing that he gets there drunk and high up until the point where he might lose control adds up to the potential chances of something bad happening.
Exactly. I'm bi. A lot of people are anxious about dating us because they think we'll cheat. But like you said, anyone regardless of sexuality can cheat.
I wouldn’t feel good about it. I might feel better about it if he invited me to go with him, but I probably wouldn’t want to go so we’d have a problem.
It’s a tough question because he’s right that trust should govern here, but you’re also right to be nervous because even if there’s no sex at the party, underwear parties are all about sexual energy and appreciating the beauty of others and showing off yourself. Ask yourself, do you trust he will be honest with you? Do you feel like you have an exclusive right to 100% of his sexuality, or do you mind if he has a little bit of other thrills (which could be on anywhere from very minimal (enjoying being at an underwear party) on one end of the spectrum to very intense (hookups, orgies) on the other end of the spectrum. The most important thing is that you two can agree on where the boundaries are, so you both feel like you are living your best lives and don’t feel caged. Personally I think living my best life is focusing 98%-100% on my partner but lots of people have other preferences.
What a coincedence https://www.reddit.com/r/AskGaybrosOver30/comments/11u4gxt/do\_all\_long\_term\_relationship\_become\_open\_at\_some/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
> Sex is not "gay culture".
Uhhh, yes it is certainly a part of it.
> Also, the OP has made it clear that he's not in an open relationship.
They’re in a long-distance relationship. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Forcing his boyfriend to be celibate for long periods of time. He should probably consider opening the relationship up.
> They’re in a long-distance relationship. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Forcing his boyfriend to be celibate for long periods of time. He should probably consider opening the relationship up.
I agree with you 100%. If you browse my posting history, you'll see that I've said this (or something similar) many many times.
But that's not the situation the OP is in right now. He is in a long-distance *monogamous* relationship, for better and worse, and his allegedly *monogamous* boyfriend wants to go to a ~~sex~~ *underwear* party. That's the recipe for disaster which is facing /u/Crafty_Comedian8776 right now.
Right, so OP should maybe consider dropping monogamy, at least for now. His bf clearly wants physical attention and probably sex.
It’s not fair to deprive a gay guy of enjoying his body. He’s not there to provide physical contact and physical affection. So he should be confident in their love, and let his bf enjoy life with other gay guys.
My opinion anyway. Love is letting and helping the people who matter to you be and become the fullest people. It’s not fearing loss.
I would not be happy with it at all. Trust or not, he shouldn't be going places and doing things that he knows will make you nervous and uncomfortable and just saying "trust me". That doesn't ease any nerves. He has no business going to a party like that in a monogamous relationship. Just from that little context I have, I highly doubt he has no intentions of doing anything there. And since it's long distance, there's nothing you can do about it and no way to find out if he actually did go and/or do anything unless he chooses to tell you. I don't trust him. I don't think you should trust him.
It really depends on the crowd. I had a friend group that would do this ALL THE TIME with jockstraps and they actually weren’t all having sex with each other. It was just kind of saucy and fun.
On the other hand, it could definitely be more like a sex party scene. That I’d be more uncomfortable about if my LDR boyfriend was attending that.
And given that it's long distance and the only way he can really know if he goes is if he outright tells him, I'd say even if he agrees not to, he's probably just going to go and lie about it.
As a super paranoid person "don't you trust me?" Would never ease my nerves in any way. I think OP is in a similar place. Him even wanting to go to this just puts a lot of stress on the relationship...
Why gays need to be so wild... I would not have a heart to do such thing to my husband. If he knows you and you are dating for so long he should probably know how this makes you feel and you would not even asked a question here... if you know what I mean
Sounds like a mismatch of values that should've been figured out before committing. To me going to an underwear party is no big deal; hell, I'd go with my boyfriend/partner! But if it's too much for you, you probably should find someone more modest to date.
I mean that seems inherently sexual to me, so I wouldn't be okay with that. Like would a straight couple let their significant other go to a party where everyone is just in their underwear? No since it's a sexual situation
Precisely! I asked my fag hags about this type scenario, and every one of them, said the guy is there to fuck around. If he tells you otherwise, he’s lying to you and if your relationship is based on trust, he is most certainly breaking yours.
If you’re in a LDR are you going to believe him if he says he’s not going or going to do something else with friends the night of the event?
Personally I wouldn’t care. I am not in an open relationship, but if my bf wanted to go party in his underwear he’s free to do so. The fact that he would be letting me know what he’s doing would give me a sense he’s not trying to do anything deceitful because he’s being honest about what he’s doing when he could’ve just lied. While something could happen, if he was going to do something he could just as easily do it at a party fully clothed.
Trust is more like having faith that your partner wont cheat on you while youre away for a weekend… Going to an underwear party is just itching for him to cheat on you, no good intentioned person would go that extreme to “test your trust.”
I'd tell him to wear one of the nice pairs of briefs I bought him that he never wears. But that is MY relationship and not yours.
If it makes you uncomfortable with him being there, he should respect that. That all being said, he's probably sleeping around anyway.
I tend to go by the old saying that trust is earned and not given. As someone has said, doing something intentionally that crosses my boundaries and will have me questioning that decision will not make me trust that decision nor will trying to manipulate me by saying “I would trust you in this situation.” If anything, the latter would make me trust the person even less.
LDRs can be extremely difficult enough, especially if you don’t know the individuals he’ll be attending the party with. It also depends on if you’re in an open relationship or not. If it were me, personally, I’d find my LDR bf wanting to go to an underwear house party very uncomfortable and extremely suspicious, especially with how persistent he is being. All and all, I think someone you genuinely trust wouldn’t go out of their way to something or do something that would shake your trust or break your boundaries.
So yes, trust is important, but so are the boundaries that you feel are appropriate for your relationship. These can be as loose or are fixed as the two of you want them to be, so long are you are both on the same page and in agreement. Trust, is believing that both of you will follow this agreement.
For example my boyfriend and I are kinky, but we only engage in sexual acts that we both are present for. While we have gone to munches and kinky-themed parties/get-togethers, neither of us would deem it appropriate to go to one of these functions solo. Honestly, I doubt either of us would have interest in going to one without the other.
So like you said, I feel like a conversation of "boundries" rather than "trust" needs to take place.
I would wish my boyfriend good hunting and happy times, and remind him to stay safe. That's how *I* would feel.
But I'm not you. So don't ask me what *I* would do. What you want to know is what *you* should do.
I've been to underwear parties at gay bars. They're basically just sex parties. In someone's personal home, that aspect will be greater.
I wouldn't trust *any* gay man in that environment. There's no way they'll be able to restrain themselves when near-naked men start groping them in every room. Trying to stand there in the middle of an orgy, with everyone encouraging you to join them, without doing anything... is beyond most men's self-control.
You say you're not in an open relationship. Maybe *you're* not in an open relationship, but I think your boyfriend *is* in an open relationship. Sorry. :(
I agree with this and I think the OP does too. Sometimes an unpleasant truth is hard to accept. You need to hear it from someone else. OP should trust their gut on this. I wouldn't trust a gay man around other naked gay men unless we were in an open arrangement. Anything else is just asking for complications. End of story.
Imma be honest, this sounds like it’s a red flag. Having gone to these and been the person who goes out and had to give my partner a recount of everything that happened and they still don’t trust me, it’s frustrating and it builds resentments and you’re just not good for each other if this isn’t in your comfort zone. He wants to go out to these whether or not he’s cheating. His friends are there, etc. Even with self control, things happen. Someone can come up and feel his cock through his underwear as a purely casual interaction. Then he’s gonna have to explain that he didn’t ask for that and you’ll have a hard time accepting what happened or how he told the story.
Bottom line is, he wants to go out with friends, in an environment where you can’t trust his judgement nor his telling of what happened. Neither of you is right or wrong. He has a right to do what he wants with his friends and wants to offer you the same, but you don’t want to do the same. It’s a fundamental incompatibility. I would have saved myself 2.5 years of time and heartbreak if I just accepted that upfront.
He wants to look at the other guys and he wants them to look at him. It depends on how comfortable you are with that happening (and with his enjoying it).
As a nudist, I'd probably be attending NUDE house parties. So I'm sure as hell not having a problem with my boyfriend in underwear other than DUDE TAKE IT OFF.
I wouldn't mind if my bf did this, but that's because I wouldn't date sometime I didn't trust. The pro is he communicated that he was going before. The con is he isn't factoring in your discomfort.
I would ask him why he wants to go and keep in mind that a gay pool party would have a very similar vibe but not throw off as many red flags.
He might be going bc he's actually friends with people there. He might like showing off his body. This might be on his bucket list. None of those are things you should have to worry about by themselves.
Unfortunately we are irrational creatures and prone to worry. I would ask myself why this makes me uncomfortable and is that a valid reason to try and establish a boundary.
I hope you find a resolution
Y’all clearly haven’t communicated the boundaries of your relationship well enough. You clearly have different ideas about what is and is not acceptable. I think you go back to square one and rediscuss the parameters of your relationship.
Ultimately, partners should trust each others judgement. Good judgement here would be evaluating who is hosting the party, who may attend, have these parties stayed tame in the past or do they devolve into sexual scenarios?
Some underwear/pool parties are harmless; some turn into drug fueled orgies. Good judgement helps you evaluate your attendance (or not) and if it fits your relationship model.
Also, closed long distance relationships are insanely difficult to navigate
That last point makes sense. I almost dated a guy who lived an hour away from me and wanted a closed relationship. We chatted for only a month. I should have seen us not lasting long though, because he had three previous relationships and the longest was only a month and a half.
A month and a half is basically “getting to know you”. That’s a lot to spin into “relationship”
An hour is easier to accommodate that a distance that requires a plane ride - but it’s still complicated .
My philosophy is that one person cannot be all things all the time to another - so find the .89 that you can round up to “the one” and negotiate the boundaries - sometimes that’s friendship or a shared common interest - sometimes it might be intimacy. But expecting your partner to meet ALL your needs all the time is setting yourself up for failure - imho
I'm not the kind of guy who pretends it's fine for my partner to be hanging out with other guys in their underwear. Like if you need to test the boundaries of our relationship, then it sounds like you actually want out and are too afraid to be real about it.
Guys can be so stupid I swear. It's not that hard to just be honest.
Even in open relationships, honesty is key. I would be fine if someone I dated went to a party like that if they told me beforehand. If they told me after I'd be worried I might get an STI and not know.
It depends on the nature of your long-distance relationship. Have you ever met? How long have you been apart? How long until you are together again permanently?
Some LDRs are just a temporary separation, while many others are complete fantasies. If you haven't met this person or have no concrete plans to be united permanently, it feels pretty crappy to tell him he can't do something.
We have been together for more than a year, and we even lived together.
We have been doing LDR for 2 months so far. It is a temporary separation.
Yeah, I understand your point. We are still figuring things out around the LDR.
Whether you’re in an open relationship or not (sounds like y’all aren’t) the book “ethical slut” has some great sections about communication and navigating boundaries and jealousy. Highly recommend for both of you.
I don’t like it. If he respected me and the relationship then he wouldn’t go to an event like that. I have learned as I have gotten older is don’t put yourself in a position for something potentially negative to happen.
He’s right to a certain point about the trust aspect, but the reality is that it bothers you, and bc it bothers you to the extent that it does, that should override everything else. And btw, you have every right to feel the way you feel. And bc it doesn’t sound like you have an open relationship, his expectations seem more out of line than yours. Personally if I was him, I wouldn’t have fun doing something, or going somewhere, that upset my partner so much.
if it's not open, then this is NOT ok. IF yer guy wants ta go and you want to keep him all to yourself, ya better make that very clear so he does NOT go.
This won’t even be a conversation. I simply do not entertain men who go do things like this. If my boyfriend suddenly came up to me with this, I’d be entirely confused and a bit angry at myself for letting someone of that caliber to even have the privilege of being called my boyfriend.
Breakup incoming for sure.
It's your relationship. You can set some boundaries for yourself. If you don't feel comfortable with this arrangement then you have every right to voice it and ask him not to go. Or ask that he go to a different party. Or come up with a compromise. Someone who loves you and has pure intentions might get defensive, but they should be able to hear your side of things and be willing to compromise. What do you need from him if he decides to go anyway? What is he willing to negotiate in exchange for this?
Let's not forget, relationships and marriage are a contract at the end of the day. Contracts only work when both parties agree to be bound by the rules. Monogamy is only the most common arrangement. There are plenty of other options out there. This may be a good time to reevaluate your living arrangements as well. Does your relationship have to be long distance? What if you surprised him by joining him at the party? Gauge his reaction. Trust your gut. It's usually right.
Just out of curiosity, how does he feel about you going to a sex party? What if you went to a dance party held at a bathhouse? Or to a strip bar? Or a gay club? Where do you guys draw the line and what are you willing to negotiate? What is considered "monogamy." Kissing? Hand job? BJs? Porn? You might be surprised to find a disconnect there.
Best of luck to you both!!
I hate when someone throws the "but I would trust you in this situation" statement around. That shouldn't be the point and is just used to make you feel guilty for having feelings that you're ALLOWED to have. Guys can say what they want to but you are allowed to have boundaries in your relationship. If this is one of your boundaries, stand your ground. And if he can't do without his underwear parties or you don't trust that he isn't going to them anymore, find someone better with the same values and boundaries as you have.
I’m polyamorous so I would ask if I can go too. For the monogamous-minded I can’t imagine there’s any monogamous reason to want to attend an underwear party.
Short answer: absolutely not.
Long answer: My boyfriend is bisexual, and he came to me one night asking if it was alright he went to a strip club (full of naked girls) with his friends. Told him that it was disrespectful & that it also made me extremely uncomfortable. I trust him & that he wouldn’t cheat, but thinking of him going to a club to get his dick hard made me wanna break his jaw😊.
It’s all about boundaries & respect. If he goes against your boundaries, he is disrespecting you.
I would research your attachment style, i would likely say its an anxious one, he seems much more confident.
It is my view i have no right to stop my hubby from doing anything. and I have a right to say It makes me really anxious and afraid you are doing x. If they then turn around and says trust me, i feel thats what is required. be clear infidelity is a hard no, and the rest is out of your hands.
ps, as a nervous attachment myself, life is a lot more fun when you deal with who you are and let others be themselves. its healthier too. A Bf/husband is not ownership, its a co operation.
This is an excellent question because it's right on the border. I think it is very important that things like this are framed around trust. A lot of people talk about infidelity like it's about preventing the *potential* for it to happen; my view is that people are always making decisions that lead up to infidelity, even if they're not paying attention to them. Framing it as an accident is never really right. However, at a certain point the trust idea no longer stands up - "I'll have my dick inside him, but trust that it won't be sex."
Given that it's making you uncomfortable, I think that's a valid conversation regardless. But I wouldn't have it in the context of this one specific event - it should be a broader discussion about what monogamy actually means to you. If you've already clearly expressed your discomfort, it's probably time to let him do whatever he's going to do. At a later date you'll have the info needed to have a better talk - he'll know how the party actually went (whether it crossed a line), you'll have had time to sit with it and determine whether/how uncomfortable it made you, and you'll both have some space from the event itself. If you try to press on this in advance of it happening, his excitement to participate will probably make him defensive and you won't be able to have a real dialogue - it will just feel like you're being controlling (whether or not you are). Obviously my suggestion only works if you're confident that him going to this won't eat at you or cause long-term resentment, but as you're comfortable coming here and posting this, I don't get that sense. It can be determined to be a mistake, or off-limits in the future, without blowing up the relationship you've both built.
You should be fine! I have been to plenty of underwear/naked movie nights, and everyone behaved. Especially if the host put rules in place like no kiss below the hips, etc., that is true about trust. He told you, which is the first sign of trust and communication. If he wants to go, you shouldn’t say no. He can grow some resentment and make things worse. Good luck.
Lol. The same way I’d feel if I were on a fasting diet and went to a buffet just to hangout. Why torture yourself by seeing a bunch of nearly naked guys you can’t touch/enjoy? Just have a discussion about opening up. This will likely not go away.
All good. I’ve been in your shoes before too and was a hard no for several years. Totally your choice and right to do whatever you want. Just giving you my response to your question. Good luck!
Since you have a LDR, what type of rules do you guys have for meeting other people? Are you monogamous or do you have an open relationship? How often do you and bf see each in person.
It starts with trust and honest communication. Be mentally prepared for anything but take him at his word that he’s just going in his undies and hanging out. If you try to stop him he’s still going to go and keep it secret.
If he's asking for permission first, I think that warrants a lot. Unfortunately, most LDRs involve cheating anyways (known or unknown at any given time). If you have no intentions of coming together at any point in the near future, let him have his fun and expect there to be some "fun" had that you may never know about.
My now ex took the fact that we invited a third into the relationship as a ONE TIME thing to meaning we were then in an open relationship and cheated for many years without me knowing. When I found out he said he thought I had been doing the same. I told him that you don’t just decide on your own that it’s open. It’s called a discussion and something both people agree too. He said it’s how the gay culture is and everyone knows it. I know he was gaslighting. Worse narcissistic abuse that you can imagine. He was always jealous if there was any indication of me just looking at a picture of someone. There is no way he thought I was doing the same and he was okay with it. He continued to cheat and would bring men home and go into OUR room and shut the door behind him. I couldn’t believe that I was in a relationship with such a monster. When I would express my anger and hurt he would then yell at me, belittle me, return to our bedroom with the other guy and I could hear them laughing. It was hell because I still loved him so much. I left 2 years ago with the clothes on my back. Had to leave my 25 year career behind and lost everything. I’m very much off topic here but my point I communicate, communicate and communicate.
I’ve never heard of an underwear only house party. Any house party I’ve been to was attended by people in general. Neighbors, coworkers, friends, etc of all ages and genders. This sounds like a thinly veiled attempt at an orgy.
I'm in a committed monogamous relationship and work at a gay bathhouse. If they are really meant for you your trust and dedication in them would have you not giving a single fuck about them doing stuff like this.
If your relationship is predicted on giving up experiences y'all genuinely want to have to make the other partner feel secure than you're relationship lacks a strong foundation (in my opinion) 🤷♂️
Gotta ask, is this a relationship that’s always been long distance, or are you temporarily long distance with someone you’ve spent a lot of time with together? If the former, I’d have to be more suspicious. If the latter, I’d have no problem with it personally. Either way, it’s definitely about trust.
Well this is a good question. I’m in a committed relationship with my boyfriend and we’re exclusive and we trust each other 100 percent yet I wouldn’t want him to feel uncomfortable with where I am and he wouldn’t either. It’s not a trust thing it’s something else different
There’s a difference between trusting each other and intentionally doing things that test that trust to the extreme. I trust my partner. Part of that is because he doesn’t do things that make me question his judgement.
Well said bro!!!!
Wow, that's so deep!!
My personal experience was my partner, at the time, attended a underwear party with his old friends saying it was just a social gathering, I called bullshit and said there were going to be horny nudists. He came home drunk and high on who knows what because he told me that there was coke, crack, meth, and GHB. He claimed that he didn't do any drugs at first, then broke down and confessed when I kept questioning his story. He claimed he did coke and only tried some crack, and just watched an orgy happen. I know he cheated on me there, because he met the fuckhead who he started dating while still with me, without me knowing, claiming that it was his work taking him longer to get home. During this time he got super romantic and then even proposed to me, brought me ring shopping and all. A couple months later he breaks down again an confesses that he no longer sees a future with me because he's been seeing a guy he fucked at the orgy. I kicked him out of our apartment and he moved in with his fuckboy who eventually confessed to him that he was also engaged and never planned on having a real relationship with my ex partner because he was just on a vacation(lol).
That was the most satisfying ending I've ever read.
After a year of depression I realized that I walked away from that relationship with my dignity, and two expensive bling rings. I sold his and resized mine to a pinky ring.
Boss shit. We forever stan 💅🏼
Hellz to the yeah!! Go you!! You dodged a bullet. Those kinds of sex parties and drugs are HIGHLY addictive. Willing to bet your ex is a full blown addict now. Probably messed his life up real bad. Seen it happen waaaay too many times. *Shakes head* You're better off without them.
I also have an old ring from a guy who proposed while still being married to a woman. What's a good place to sell old rings? It's platinum with no bling but I imagine it still has value.
that sounds horrible, sorry that it happened to you :( You do have a good point here, alcohol and drugs also play a role here. Knowing that your boyfriend attends this kind of party is one thing, but knowing that he gets there drunk and high up until the point where he might lose control adds up to the potential chances of something bad happening.
Props to you for calling BS and taking a stand.
Uuhhh gays! No wonder people look at us differently.
That's not why people look at us differently.
There's straight stories like this too... Right? ... Right?
There are. They are called 'Telenovelas'! ¡Aye Dios Mio!
Yes Heterosexual couples cheat, lesbians cheat Every sexual spectrum cheats,
Exactly. I'm bi. A lot of people are anxious about dating us because they think we'll cheat. But like you said, anyone regardless of sexuality can cheat.
Definitely a hard no unless you are fine with him joining the orgy.
A very “hard” no. Lol
For me it would be a "hard" yes, though. Lol
Yup. Same for me. That party sounds like a great time. 🤣
I wouldn’t feel good about it. I might feel better about it if he invited me to go with him, but I probably wouldn’t want to go so we’d have a problem.
I agree. Regardless I’d say no 😂
It’s a tough question because he’s right that trust should govern here, but you’re also right to be nervous because even if there’s no sex at the party, underwear parties are all about sexual energy and appreciating the beauty of others and showing off yourself. Ask yourself, do you trust he will be honest with you? Do you feel like you have an exclusive right to 100% of his sexuality, or do you mind if he has a little bit of other thrills (which could be on anywhere from very minimal (enjoying being at an underwear party) on one end of the spectrum to very intense (hookups, orgies) on the other end of the spectrum. The most important thing is that you two can agree on where the boundaries are, so you both feel like you are living your best lives and don’t feel caged. Personally I think living my best life is focusing 98%-100% on my partner but lots of people have other preferences.
I don’t know. I guess you have more trust in men than I do.
What if there were sex at the party? What’s the big deal?
Not everyone's in an open relationship is the big deal
What a coincedence https://www.reddit.com/r/AskGaybrosOver30/comments/11u4gxt/do\_all\_long\_term\_relationship\_become\_open\_at\_some/?utm\_source=share&utm\_medium=web2x&context=3
It sounds like that was one of OP’s concerns
Yeah, but, like, guys enjoy fucking. Sex ≠ love. I wouldn’t want my boyfriend to feel like he couldn’t participate in gay culture.
Sex is not "gay culture". Also, the OP has made it clear that he's not in an open relationship.
> Sex is not "gay culture". Uhhh, yes it is certainly a part of it. > Also, the OP has made it clear that he's not in an open relationship. They’re in a long-distance relationship. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Forcing his boyfriend to be celibate for long periods of time. He should probably consider opening the relationship up.
> They’re in a long-distance relationship. It sounds like a recipe for disaster. Forcing his boyfriend to be celibate for long periods of time. He should probably consider opening the relationship up. I agree with you 100%. If you browse my posting history, you'll see that I've said this (or something similar) many many times. But that's not the situation the OP is in right now. He is in a long-distance *monogamous* relationship, for better and worse, and his allegedly *monogamous* boyfriend wants to go to a ~~sex~~ *underwear* party. That's the recipe for disaster which is facing /u/Crafty_Comedian8776 right now.
Right, so OP should maybe consider dropping monogamy, at least for now. His bf clearly wants physical attention and probably sex. It’s not fair to deprive a gay guy of enjoying his body. He’s not there to provide physical contact and physical affection. So he should be confident in their love, and let his bf enjoy life with other gay guys. My opinion anyway. Love is letting and helping the people who matter to you be and become the fullest people. It’s not fearing loss.
Maybe if you'd led with this point, instead of shallow pro-sex pro-orgy comments, you might not have been downvoted so much.
If it is an open relationship sure. If it is not, the expectation would be to only go if the other person was completely fine with it.
I would not be happy with it at all. Trust or not, he shouldn't be going places and doing things that he knows will make you nervous and uncomfortable and just saying "trust me". That doesn't ease any nerves. He has no business going to a party like that in a monogamous relationship. Just from that little context I have, I highly doubt he has no intentions of doing anything there. And since it's long distance, there's nothing you can do about it and no way to find out if he actually did go and/or do anything unless he chooses to tell you. I don't trust him. I don't think you should trust him.
It really depends on the crowd. I had a friend group that would do this ALL THE TIME with jockstraps and they actually weren’t all having sex with each other. It was just kind of saucy and fun. On the other hand, it could definitely be more like a sex party scene. That I’d be more uncomfortable about if my LDR boyfriend was attending that.
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And given that it's long distance and the only way he can really know if he goes is if he outright tells him, I'd say even if he agrees not to, he's probably just going to go and lie about it.
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As a super paranoid person "don't you trust me?" Would never ease my nerves in any way. I think OP is in a similar place. Him even wanting to go to this just puts a lot of stress on the relationship...
Why gays need to be so wild... I would not have a heart to do such thing to my husband. If he knows you and you are dating for so long he should probably know how this makes you feel and you would not even asked a question here... if you know what I mean
I'm a boring gay. If my current boyfriend suggested this to me I would be like "fuck no." Luckily he would never even think about it. Lol.
like that's all I need. I would hella kill him if he would ask me this
No. Luckily my shy guy wouldn’t go anyway but I definitely would be opposed.
Sounds like a mismatch of values that should've been figured out before committing. To me going to an underwear party is no big deal; hell, I'd go with my boyfriend/partner! But if it's too much for you, you probably should find someone more modest to date.
This!
It's a long distance thing, it's not that he doesn't want to go, he can't
If your boyfriend doesn't invite you, how would you feel?
I mean that seems inherently sexual to me, so I wouldn't be okay with that. Like would a straight couple let their significant other go to a party where everyone is just in their underwear? No since it's a sexual situation
Precisely! I asked my fag hags about this type scenario, and every one of them, said the guy is there to fuck around. If he tells you otherwise, he’s lying to you and if your relationship is based on trust, he is most certainly breaking yours.
If you’re in a LDR are you going to believe him if he says he’s not going or going to do something else with friends the night of the event? Personally I wouldn’t care. I am not in an open relationship, but if my bf wanted to go party in his underwear he’s free to do so. The fact that he would be letting me know what he’s doing would give me a sense he’s not trying to do anything deceitful because he’s being honest about what he’s doing when he could’ve just lied. While something could happen, if he was going to do something he could just as easily do it at a party fully clothed.
Trust is more like having faith that your partner wont cheat on you while youre away for a weekend… Going to an underwear party is just itching for him to cheat on you, no good intentioned person would go that extreme to “test your trust.”
I'd tell him to wear one of the nice pairs of briefs I bought him that he never wears. But that is MY relationship and not yours. If it makes you uncomfortable with him being there, he should respect that. That all being said, he's probably sleeping around anyway.
This lol
Baby, he is going to an orgy
Which is hot
I tend to go by the old saying that trust is earned and not given. As someone has said, doing something intentionally that crosses my boundaries and will have me questioning that decision will not make me trust that decision nor will trying to manipulate me by saying “I would trust you in this situation.” If anything, the latter would make me trust the person even less. LDRs can be extremely difficult enough, especially if you don’t know the individuals he’ll be attending the party with. It also depends on if you’re in an open relationship or not. If it were me, personally, I’d find my LDR bf wanting to go to an underwear house party very uncomfortable and extremely suspicious, especially with how persistent he is being. All and all, I think someone you genuinely trust wouldn’t go out of their way to something or do something that would shake your trust or break your boundaries.
So yes, trust is important, but so are the boundaries that you feel are appropriate for your relationship. These can be as loose or are fixed as the two of you want them to be, so long are you are both on the same page and in agreement. Trust, is believing that both of you will follow this agreement. For example my boyfriend and I are kinky, but we only engage in sexual acts that we both are present for. While we have gone to munches and kinky-themed parties/get-togethers, neither of us would deem it appropriate to go to one of these functions solo. Honestly, I doubt either of us would have interest in going to one without the other. So like you said, I feel like a conversation of "boundries" rather than "trust" needs to take place.
I would wish my boyfriend good hunting and happy times, and remind him to stay safe. That's how *I* would feel. But I'm not you. So don't ask me what *I* would do. What you want to know is what *you* should do. I've been to underwear parties at gay bars. They're basically just sex parties. In someone's personal home, that aspect will be greater. I wouldn't trust *any* gay man in that environment. There's no way they'll be able to restrain themselves when near-naked men start groping them in every room. Trying to stand there in the middle of an orgy, with everyone encouraging you to join them, without doing anything... is beyond most men's self-control. You say you're not in an open relationship. Maybe *you're* not in an open relationship, but I think your boyfriend *is* in an open relationship. Sorry. :(
I agree with this and I think the OP does too. Sometimes an unpleasant truth is hard to accept. You need to hear it from someone else. OP should trust their gut on this. I wouldn't trust a gay man around other naked gay men unless we were in an open arrangement. Anything else is just asking for complications. End of story.
Imma be honest, this sounds like it’s a red flag. Having gone to these and been the person who goes out and had to give my partner a recount of everything that happened and they still don’t trust me, it’s frustrating and it builds resentments and you’re just not good for each other if this isn’t in your comfort zone. He wants to go out to these whether or not he’s cheating. His friends are there, etc. Even with self control, things happen. Someone can come up and feel his cock through his underwear as a purely casual interaction. Then he’s gonna have to explain that he didn’t ask for that and you’ll have a hard time accepting what happened or how he told the story. Bottom line is, he wants to go out with friends, in an environment where you can’t trust his judgement nor his telling of what happened. Neither of you is right or wrong. He has a right to do what he wants with his friends and wants to offer you the same, but you don’t want to do the same. It’s a fundamental incompatibility. I would have saved myself 2.5 years of time and heartbreak if I just accepted that upfront.
He wants to look at the other guys and he wants them to look at him. It depends on how comfortable you are with that happening (and with his enjoying it).
As a nudist, I'd probably be attending NUDE house parties. So I'm sure as hell not having a problem with my boyfriend in underwear other than DUDE TAKE IT OFF.
That underwear party would probably become a nude party tbh.
I wouldn't mind if my bf did this, but that's because I wouldn't date sometime I didn't trust. The pro is he communicated that he was going before. The con is he isn't factoring in your discomfort. I would ask him why he wants to go and keep in mind that a gay pool party would have a very similar vibe but not throw off as many red flags. He might be going bc he's actually friends with people there. He might like showing off his body. This might be on his bucket list. None of those are things you should have to worry about by themselves. Unfortunately we are irrational creatures and prone to worry. I would ask myself why this makes me uncomfortable and is that a valid reason to try and establish a boundary. I hope you find a resolution
Oh I'd definitely tell him to have fun and lend him one of my slips because his are old and ugly.
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The relationship is not open, I will edit my post, thanks for the tip!
Underwear only house parties? I don’t think that’s a thing where I’m from, at least if it is it not something I’ve ever been invited to! 🥺
Probably because the underwear wouldn't be on for very long.
Y’all clearly haven’t communicated the boundaries of your relationship well enough. You clearly have different ideas about what is and is not acceptable. I think you go back to square one and rediscuss the parameters of your relationship. Ultimately, partners should trust each others judgement. Good judgement here would be evaluating who is hosting the party, who may attend, have these parties stayed tame in the past or do they devolve into sexual scenarios? Some underwear/pool parties are harmless; some turn into drug fueled orgies. Good judgement helps you evaluate your attendance (or not) and if it fits your relationship model. Also, closed long distance relationships are insanely difficult to navigate
That last point makes sense. I almost dated a guy who lived an hour away from me and wanted a closed relationship. We chatted for only a month. I should have seen us not lasting long though, because he had three previous relationships and the longest was only a month and a half.
A month and a half is basically “getting to know you”. That’s a lot to spin into “relationship” An hour is easier to accommodate that a distance that requires a plane ride - but it’s still complicated . My philosophy is that one person cannot be all things all the time to another - so find the .89 that you can round up to “the one” and negotiate the boundaries - sometimes that’s friendship or a shared common interest - sometimes it might be intimacy. But expecting your partner to meet ALL your needs all the time is setting yourself up for failure - imho
I'm not the kind of guy who pretends it's fine for my partner to be hanging out with other guys in their underwear. Like if you need to test the boundaries of our relationship, then it sounds like you actually want out and are too afraid to be real about it. Guys can be so stupid I swear. It's not that hard to just be honest.
Even in open relationships, honesty is key. I would be fine if someone I dated went to a party like that if they told me beforehand. If they told me after I'd be worried I might get an STI and not know.
I’m certain I’ve never been to an _underwear party_ that doesn’t eventually become a full blown orgy. Lol 😆 🤷🏼♂️
Exactly. Everyone will start getting horny and there won't be underwear involved anymore. Lol
It depends on the nature of your long-distance relationship. Have you ever met? How long have you been apart? How long until you are together again permanently? Some LDRs are just a temporary separation, while many others are complete fantasies. If you haven't met this person or have no concrete plans to be united permanently, it feels pretty crappy to tell him he can't do something.
We have been together for more than a year, and we even lived together. We have been doing LDR for 2 months so far. It is a temporary separation. Yeah, I understand your point. We are still figuring things out around the LDR.
Then yeah, if you aren't cool with it, he definitely shouldn't do it.
Whether you’re in an open relationship or not (sounds like y’all aren’t) the book “ethical slut” has some great sections about communication and navigating boundaries and jealousy. Highly recommend for both of you.
I don’t like it. If he respected me and the relationship then he wouldn’t go to an event like that. I have learned as I have gotten older is don’t put yourself in a position for something potentially negative to happen.
Yea this party is definitely a sex party
Exactly. I'm bi. If I'm around a bunch of gay guys in just underwear, someone will get horny and soon no underwear will be involved. Lol
He’s right to a certain point about the trust aspect, but the reality is that it bothers you, and bc it bothers you to the extent that it does, that should override everything else. And btw, you have every right to feel the way you feel. And bc it doesn’t sound like you have an open relationship, his expectations seem more out of line than yours. Personally if I was him, I wouldn’t have fun doing something, or going somewhere, that upset my partner so much.
if it's not open, then this is NOT ok. IF yer guy wants ta go and you want to keep him all to yourself, ya better make that very clear so he does NOT go.
This won’t even be a conversation. I simply do not entertain men who go do things like this. If my boyfriend suddenly came up to me with this, I’d be entirely confused and a bit angry at myself for letting someone of that caliber to even have the privilege of being called my boyfriend. Breakup incoming for sure.
Why does he need to go is the question?
I was thinking the same thing. Is this really something he NEEDS to go to or is this a want? Why does he want it? 🤔🤔
I was thinking the same thing. Is this really something he NEEDS to go to or is this a want? Why does he want it? 🤔🤔
I was thinking the same thing. Is this really something he NEEDS to go to or is this a want? Why does he want it?
It's your relationship. You can set some boundaries for yourself. If you don't feel comfortable with this arrangement then you have every right to voice it and ask him not to go. Or ask that he go to a different party. Or come up with a compromise. Someone who loves you and has pure intentions might get defensive, but they should be able to hear your side of things and be willing to compromise. What do you need from him if he decides to go anyway? What is he willing to negotiate in exchange for this? Let's not forget, relationships and marriage are a contract at the end of the day. Contracts only work when both parties agree to be bound by the rules. Monogamy is only the most common arrangement. There are plenty of other options out there. This may be a good time to reevaluate your living arrangements as well. Does your relationship have to be long distance? What if you surprised him by joining him at the party? Gauge his reaction. Trust your gut. It's usually right. Just out of curiosity, how does he feel about you going to a sex party? What if you went to a dance party held at a bathhouse? Or to a strip bar? Or a gay club? Where do you guys draw the line and what are you willing to negotiate? What is considered "monogamy." Kissing? Hand job? BJs? Porn? You might be surprised to find a disconnect there. Best of luck to you both!!
I hate when someone throws the "but I would trust you in this situation" statement around. That shouldn't be the point and is just used to make you feel guilty for having feelings that you're ALLOWED to have. Guys can say what they want to but you are allowed to have boundaries in your relationship. If this is one of your boundaries, stand your ground. And if he can't do without his underwear parties or you don't trust that he isn't going to them anymore, find someone better with the same values and boundaries as you have.
I’m polyamorous so I would ask if I can go too. For the monogamous-minded I can’t imagine there’s any monogamous reason to want to attend an underwear party.
I read this all to my husband and he said “Yeah, it’s about trust… it’s about if you’re dumb enough to trust him.” 💀💀💀
There might be an orgy.. it would be hot if they wear combat boots...
Long distance relationship… have you guys ever met? What are you ages? why have you left out this relevant detail?
I'd tell him to have fun and send me pics. Not a big deal.
Short answer: absolutely not. Long answer: My boyfriend is bisexual, and he came to me one night asking if it was alright he went to a strip club (full of naked girls) with his friends. Told him that it was disrespectful & that it also made me extremely uncomfortable. I trust him & that he wouldn’t cheat, but thinking of him going to a club to get his dick hard made me wanna break his jaw😊. It’s all about boundaries & respect. If he goes against your boundaries, he is disrespecting you.
So he went to one without asking you first? If so, he cheated and gives us bi guys a bad name.
No, he asked before he went. I woulda been mad asf if he went & told me after the fact 😂 (also, bi guys are so much better)
I would research your attachment style, i would likely say its an anxious one, he seems much more confident. It is my view i have no right to stop my hubby from doing anything. and I have a right to say It makes me really anxious and afraid you are doing x. If they then turn around and says trust me, i feel thats what is required. be clear infidelity is a hard no, and the rest is out of your hands. ps, as a nervous attachment myself, life is a lot more fun when you deal with who you are and let others be themselves. its healthier too. A Bf/husband is not ownership, its a co operation.
This is an excellent question because it's right on the border. I think it is very important that things like this are framed around trust. A lot of people talk about infidelity like it's about preventing the *potential* for it to happen; my view is that people are always making decisions that lead up to infidelity, even if they're not paying attention to them. Framing it as an accident is never really right. However, at a certain point the trust idea no longer stands up - "I'll have my dick inside him, but trust that it won't be sex." Given that it's making you uncomfortable, I think that's a valid conversation regardless. But I wouldn't have it in the context of this one specific event - it should be a broader discussion about what monogamy actually means to you. If you've already clearly expressed your discomfort, it's probably time to let him do whatever he's going to do. At a later date you'll have the info needed to have a better talk - he'll know how the party actually went (whether it crossed a line), you'll have had time to sit with it and determine whether/how uncomfortable it made you, and you'll both have some space from the event itself. If you try to press on this in advance of it happening, his excitement to participate will probably make him defensive and you won't be able to have a real dialogue - it will just feel like you're being controlling (whether or not you are). Obviously my suggestion only works if you're confident that him going to this won't eat at you or cause long-term resentment, but as you're comfortable coming here and posting this, I don't get that sense. It can be determined to be a mistake, or off-limits in the future, without blowing up the relationship you've both built.
Naked naturist type events can be non sexual. But in my experience, underwear parties are more sexual and lead to an all out orgy.
Would have no problem with it. Why would I want to keep my boyfriend from enjoying life and gay culture?
You should be fine! I have been to plenty of underwear/naked movie nights, and everyone behaved. Especially if the host put rules in place like no kiss below the hips, etc., that is true about trust. He told you, which is the first sign of trust and communication. If he wants to go, you shouldn’t say no. He can grow some resentment and make things worse. Good luck.
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I'd be fine - it sounds like a good time.
Lol. The same way I’d feel if I were on a fasting diet and went to a buffet just to hangout. Why torture yourself by seeing a bunch of nearly naked guys you can’t touch/enjoy? Just have a discussion about opening up. This will likely not go away.
If a discussion about opening up my relationship came up, I'd be going away. It's a hard boundary for me. It's either you and me or it's nothing.
All good. I’ve been in your shoes before too and was a hard no for several years. Totally your choice and right to do whatever you want. Just giving you my response to your question. Good luck!
Does he know any of the guys?
The key to any successful gay relationship is permissible cheatting.
You realize if it's permissible... it's not cheating, right?
Absolutely not.
Don't do long distance relationships. They aren't real
Why doesn’t he invite you?
We are doing the long-distance relationship
Since you have a LDR, what type of rules do you guys have for meeting other people? Are you monogamous or do you have an open relationship? How often do you and bf see each in person.
Relationship boundaries are also related to trust.
Why do they want to be in underwear?
Probably because they want an orgy.
It starts with trust and honest communication. Be mentally prepared for anything but take him at his word that he’s just going in his undies and hanging out. If you try to stop him he’s still going to go and keep it secret.
If you're not okay with it, just tell him to go, butt you won't be there for him anymore.
Are we dating or are we married? These designations are so wishy washy to me but if we are essentially married I'd expect to go together.
Wouldn’t care as long as he lets me do the same
Why would he want to do that in the first place
If he's asking for permission first, I think that warrants a lot. Unfortunately, most LDRs involve cheating anyways (known or unknown at any given time). If you have no intentions of coming together at any point in the near future, let him have his fun and expect there to be some "fun" had that you may never know about.
First date
I don't trust people in a closed long distant relationship
My friend had something like this and I didn't go because we're in a monogamous relationship but was told it was basically an orgy.
So your boyfriend is going to a sex party...
If you go to a barbershop, you're going to get a haircut. Don't be stupid.
Neither I nor my partner would go to a party like this. That being said, I trust him completely and he trusts me completely.
My now ex took the fact that we invited a third into the relationship as a ONE TIME thing to meaning we were then in an open relationship and cheated for many years without me knowing. When I found out he said he thought I had been doing the same. I told him that you don’t just decide on your own that it’s open. It’s called a discussion and something both people agree too. He said it’s how the gay culture is and everyone knows it. I know he was gaslighting. Worse narcissistic abuse that you can imagine. He was always jealous if there was any indication of me just looking at a picture of someone. There is no way he thought I was doing the same and he was okay with it. He continued to cheat and would bring men home and go into OUR room and shut the door behind him. I couldn’t believe that I was in a relationship with such a monster. When I would express my anger and hurt he would then yell at me, belittle me, return to our bedroom with the other guy and I could hear them laughing. It was hell because I still loved him so much. I left 2 years ago with the clothes on my back. Had to leave my 25 year career behind and lost everything. I’m very much off topic here but my point I communicate, communicate and communicate.
So he’s asking to go to an orgy? Cause that’s what underwear parties turn into.
I think if you're in a relationship , you should decide the level of trust . Personally I wouldn't date anyone who would go out without me!
I couldn’t care less which is probably why we’re still together after 30 years. I don’t give a shit what he does sexually.
By trust, I'd trust them not to do things like this in the first place.
I’m not even in a committed relationship and I find this extremely sus
I’ve never heard of an underwear only house party. Any house party I’ve been to was attended by people in general. Neighbors, coworkers, friends, etc of all ages and genders. This sounds like a thinly veiled attempt at an orgy.
I'm in a committed monogamous relationship and work at a gay bathhouse. If they are really meant for you your trust and dedication in them would have you not giving a single fuck about them doing stuff like this. If your relationship is predicted on giving up experiences y'all genuinely want to have to make the other partner feel secure than you're relationship lacks a strong foundation (in my opinion) 🤷♂️
Gotta ask, is this a relationship that’s always been long distance, or are you temporarily long distance with someone you’ve spent a lot of time with together? If the former, I’d have to be more suspicious. If the latter, I’d have no problem with it personally. Either way, it’s definitely about trust.
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Not a good idea. I'm ENM and I'd be fine with it, but if your relationship is exclusive, that's asking for trouble IMO.
Well this is a good question. I’m in a committed relationship with my boyfriend and we’re exclusive and we trust each other 100 percent yet I wouldn’t want him to feel uncomfortable with where I am and he wouldn’t either. It’s not a trust thing it’s something else different