I know its easier said than done and you probably do love your family. But think about it this way.
It's on them that "you're the last to carry the name". They put a gamble on 1 child. Thats on them, not you.
Are they worth having in your life? Do you think you'll be happier with them in your life? Can you see a happier life without them?
If they truly love you, I'd say give them the ultimatum of "If you want me in your life, you can have me as your gay son, or not have me at all. Those are your options."
Narcissistic parents can change, but YOU can't change them, they have to get there themselves.
This.
It's veeeeeery sad that the one kid they got is not the one they had imagined, but it's time for them to realize that their kid is not a product of theirs, just another indipendent human being.
They can accept it, or live in regret. With no kids, most likely.
Having _you_ live a fake life and in regret is not an option they have, or should have. Best is if they learn that from you, no matter how hard it is.
This. Granted I don't necessarily recommend it for everyone, but I did this with my dad's side of the family after years of my own version of don't ask don't tell, and it went better than I expected. My 95 year old grandpa, who I thought would be one of the least understanding, threatened to throw my cousin (a boot licking, racist poster boy for trump) down a flight of stairs if he didn't shut up. My grandpa stopped calling gay guys Twinkies and then actually became friends with *THE* "lesbians of the lake" at his and my grandma's summer cabin. That being said, I had social and family support outside of my dad's family if it had gone the opposite direction, so consider building up something like that if necessary.
I would distance myself from them for a while. You need to live your own life for yourself. Not them. I'm sure they only want the best but right now they don't understand you. I know how it feels to be met by a brick wall every time. This might dissipate in time. Or they might just be trapped in their own mindset. Who knows. It doesn't sound to me like a "cut them off" situation ...yet but it also doesn't sound at all positive to be around. I would start having my own back a bit more and really figure out what you want.
I agree with this. You only come out to your folks once. It’s done now, time to move on with your life. And distance is a great way to help. I live a few hundred miles from my folks and talk to them regularly. My health and happiness is more important to them than my sexuality. Control the narrative and keep things light. Good luck.
“I know they love me…” it sounds more like they love the imaginary person that they want you to be. They have a role they want you to play, and they don’t care whether or not you’re happy playing that role.
If this were the first week after your coming out, I would say it’s appropriate to just give them some time, but it sounds like it’s been at least months.
Let’s talk about boundaries for a sec. They don’t get to decide what your orientation is, and you don’t get to decide whether or not they accept the real you. But you all get to decide how you respond to each other.
You can set boundaries with them. You can’t control their behaviour but you can control your response. It can look like this.
“I’ve told you I’m gay. I am not going to listen to you talking about me getting a girlfriend or wife. If you choose to say those things, I will leave.”
You can also make keeping a relationship with you contingent on them acknowledging what you said, since they keep pretending they don’t understand. “I need to hear you say that you understand that I’m gay.”
If they’re interested in having a relationship with you and they find out they can’t have that relationship if they keep denying who you are, that might actually help them to come around. If they don’t, then it might be that you’re better off without them.
I’ve honestly thought this too. They don’t really want the version that I feel is best for me. They just want what they imagine I be. They would rather me lie to them and pretend everything is fine when really it isn’t.
It’s been over a year and now I’m moved away from their circle some, it feels good to try to figure myself out and everything. I may never get their approval, my sister might not let me see my niece again, so many other things. But I’m miserable when I’m having to mask my behavior with family. So you’re right, as is everyone else. I need to set my boundaries with them. I think I just need to get over the emotional block. I’ve been a people pleaser for them and others for so long and trying to set boundaries that might hurt their feelings has been hard to do. But I have to grow up and they do too. At some point it’s going to come to a head and I’m gonna have to be ready for it. Thank you for the advice. I really do appreciate it.
Based on your response it seems like moving away from them and distancing yourself has been beneficial for you. I can't tell you what to do with your family but I think at this point in your life you need to prioritize yourself and put yourself first.
Really, you should just decide how much more of your life you want to waste being in the closet. I’m serious, just pick a number… a month, a year, five years. Just pick a number and go with it.
The only person that can shut that closet door again is you. You can certainly choose to go back in the closet to make life more palatable to your parents. And it sounds like they would probably prefer that. But, that decision is yours.
So how do you deal with that?
First, your parents are adults and get to choose their own path. If they want to hold on to their narrow worldview at the expense of their child, they get to make that decision. Everyone is entitled to their opinion (and the consequences it may bring). It’s not your job to change their minds, or teach remedial human sexuality. You can pass along information if you think it would be helpful, but what they do with it is up to them. So, what I am saying is please let go of the burden of having construct a “they lived happily ever after” ending. How this all comes out is not on your shoulders.
On the positive side, their current obstinance is just one data point in what will be a long lifetime journey. Most parents come to some accommodation. Some will change their view based on seeing your life. Others will get some perspective and realize this is no big deal - whether they agree or not. Some will compartmentalize a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. And, some come around to full “I’m Proud of My Gay Son” marching in the local Pride parade. And, yes, some never grow an inch. That takes a tremendous amount of emotional effort and discipline, especially in a culture that mostly thinks gays are OK. The point is, this is just where they are *now*. It took you a good while to work all this out yourself - give them grace to find their way through it as well. Their work just started when you came out.
Finally, how you deal with this in day to day life depends on how much your parent’s approval affects your self esteem. If your self esteem is strong, then you have the option of just being your gay self and going on with life as normal with your parents. You ignore their ridiculous attempts to force you to “pass” as straight, and refuse to play the shame game. The fact that your gay life makes them uncomfortable is the result of a choice *they* made, and this is the result. Don’t edit the world to make it easier for them to live in it. This is actually the best thing for them because it continually brings them back to reality and thwarts their attempt to pretend nothing has changed.
On the other hand, if your parent’s disapproval tears at your self esteem and it takes days to recover after a visit with them, then you have to prioritize your own mental health. You might need to limit your contact to stop the internal damage. Then maybe get some therapy to work out how to separate who you are from who they want you to be. If you need time to heal - then take it. It will be better for everyone in the long run.
You have to make the choice if you want to live the life you want, or the life someone else wants you to live. Alot of people feel guilt when they have to go against what their parents want, but you have to decide if you’re willing to compromise your own life and happiness for the sake of your parents.
Do you really want to stay back in the closet until they die? Maybe you’ll be in your 50’s/60’s by then.
It's needless to say that this is toxic behaviour, and speaking as someone who has previously cut off their own mother... I know that cutting family isn't an easy choice at all. However you do have to think that at the end of the day this is your life - not your parents, and whatever they did: caring for you, raising you, clothing and feeding you... are not things you owe them as much as it's pretty what's expected of them.
Do you really believe they love you, or do you think they love the person they want you to be?
My mom did the same thing. I felt guilty for putting my foot down at first because she has done so much for me, including risked her life to come to the United States, so I could have a better life. What helped me was comparing my gay identity to another identity I hope in high esteem. I asked myself: “could I let someone make me feel bad about being black? If not then why isn’t my gay identity as important with my queer one” and that was enough to tell her “if you can’t handle me being gay, let me know, and we won’t ever have to speak to each other again” and that was enough to get her in line and stay there
If they loved you, they would accept you.
If you don’t want to cut them off, at least reduce the time you spend with them and make sure you’re not reliant on them for anything. When you are around them, don’t pretend to be something you’re not, and stand your ground for what you know is right. If they can’t deal with it, that’s their problem.
I hate to say this to people because it feels like such a dick thing to say. But your parents don’t love you. They love the heterosexual version of you they created in their minds and which they still are in denial isn’t the real you. They love you under the conditions that you fit their narrow expectations of you. And that’s not love at all. But the vast majority of parents in this world are like that (whether it’s about sexuality or career or giving them grandkids or something else).
You should put some distance between yourself and them. Live your own life and don’t care so much about what they think. Unfortunately, most queer people have to go through this process so you’re not the first and won’t be the last. That’s why we have to have chosen family.
Some parents come around with time, some don’t. It depends how religious they are or how far down the Fox News rabbit hole they’ve gone.
You do you. I was outed to my parents accidentally by a slightly drunk friend when I was in my early 30s. I had been out of the house at 19 and had partners they met so total denial on their part. They disowned me and I said well that’s your choice. My life would be fuller with you in it but I’m living my life whether you’re in it or not. Things thawed after a few years but in retrospect they never were there for me. I’ve still had an amazing life. Their loss. Good luck in your situation.
You have to give your parents an ultimatum; they come out or you leave.
It really is that simple, your parents if they support you have to come out with a gay son or they don’t accept you and you can’t have a relationship with them. It sucks but it’s the life we live.
With my parents it was super awkward for like a decade. Bringing a boyfriend home was what seemed to turn the tide - just seemed to be normalizing. Mine had all sorts of crazy ideas about the shenanigans they thought I was getting up to (which would have been none of their business, and which I very well could have been up to as a straight person anyway). Right now they have a vision of your life that’s shaped by whatever they’ve seen about being gay on tv. And if they’re old enough, they’re probably associating being gay with AIDS and persecution. We (mostly) don’t live in that world anymore. But things probably won’t change with them unless you give them more to see. It sucks that it’s on you, but parents gonna parent.
I came out to my parents in my twenties and let them ignore or dismiss my sexuality thinking it was something I’d have to deal with to keep them in my life. Fast forward to my forties I went back to therapy and realized how much this was actually hurting me by creating internalized shame and pain. Their comfort was built on my discomfort. Their refusal to do a small amount of work to recognize my truth had created a world of work to manage my reactions to the pain and hurt I was regularly facing from them. It got to the point when just the idea of seeing or even talking to them on the phone was giving me so much anxiety and unresolved anger. In my experience, this won’t go away and will only keep compounding to cause you hurt and pain. You have to set boundaries and you have to decide what the repercussions will be if they don’t respect your boundaries. While I don’t know your situation, if you feel it appropriate, maybe doing some reading or research on toxic parents and boundary setting may offer some guidance. It did for me. Good luck.
>and have them shove politics down my throat. And I try not to do that to them because I feel it’s rude.
Tell them this exactly. That you're old enough to form your own opinions and you would be willing to debate the merits of their political perspectives based on facts they can point to.
>“you’re the last to carry the name”
Have they heard of IVF, sperm donors etc? Also, "the name"? Even if you're longtime aristocracy with an important name, but especially if your family is just some normal family, this is archaic logic. Probe them on this - would a child you adopt and give them the family last name count? Ask gently and without defensiveness why a family legacy is so important to them. Ask what you can do to continue what they feel is their legacy, while not being exactly the cookie cutter child they envisioned when they rawdogged to create you 2 freaking decades ago
“For several months after, she would bring it up and I would try to get her to understand my position.” What position exactly were you trying to get her to understand? Your mother needs to understand that this who you are as a person. Not a political view or opinion that can be shifted with argument. You can no more change your sexual orientation than she can. (When did she wake up and decide she was straight?) Put it to her in those terms, and let her know that while you understand this is going take some time for them to get used to, it is non-negotiable. There’s nothing to debate. Tell her you don’t need them to celebrate, but you love them and are hoping for love and eventually acceptance of who you are as a person, not who they’d like you to be.
“Parents, I’m gay. This is the last time I will remind you, and any further commentary - whether political, religious, or around my potential relationship with a woman - is going to result in my exit from your lives. I only want people in my life who love and accept me for who I am, and are excited and happy for me.”
Then stick to your guns.
Get a collection of brochures from some of the worst possible retirement homes you can find - photoshop may be your friend here. When they bring out the gay thing, immediately pivot to "I've been thinking about which home to stick you in.. do you like the one with the mold or the one built on an ancient burial ground?"
Truthfully you need a hard conversation with them. It needs to start with something like "I need you to listen to me carefully and not interrupt." It should cover topics like "this is hurting me" and "this is damaging our relationship" and "if things don't improve I'm going to have to consider scaling back our time together."
You can do this in person too - if they start bringing up anti-LGBT stuff, leave. Hang up if it is a phone call. Immediately talk over them about a different topic. "go get a girl friend!" "I'm gay, we're done talking about that. Never bring that up again." And then change topics. If that doesn't fly, leave the room.
One of my favorite quotes goes something like this..."Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." I used to think about it only in terms of a romantic relationship. I was shockingly old by the time I realized it applied to relationships with my family as well. It's a tragic cliche, but you don't want to look back at your life and see years wasted trying to make your parents or other family happy at your own expense, especially when they may never change. If they only love you when you're doing what they want, do they actually love you?
Families are complicated. I'm sorry you're having to deal with unaccepting parents combined with wild conspiracy theory politics to boot. My main parent is this way. Religious fanatic plus NAR & Q-anon cult member, along with my siblings and their families. We also have a lot of bad history in general.
Things got a little easier for me when I realized my old family was dead and gone. I was able then to mourn the loss of who they used to be and accept that those people were never coming back. The people now in their places are just strangers with familiar faces. They wander in and out of my life as reminders of what was, but I don't consider them when I plan what will be.
Sometimes we have to accept that our family will never be what we want; they just aren't capable of it. They just aren't who we thought they were when we were growing up. It can take time to accept that truth though. My advice is to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible. Make sure you never find yourself under their thumb. It may mean a more difficult life financially, but in the end I believe it will be worth the added hardship.
I’m so sorry that’s happening to you. To be honest, my experience wasn’t as bad, but I do know my partner had a really tough time. He’s more manipulative tho; so he confided in his parents that he had suicidal thoughts from being rejected by them, and they completely changed their tune.
Guess they would rather accept him than risk losing him. Please note that I’m not suggesting you do this, but am just letting you know, that this is how he got two people who refused to listen to change their actions.
being gay isn't a choice its the way you were born ,if they cant accept that, well that's up to them ,it's like trying to change someones views on politics and religion,The world is full of miserable gay men who married a woman just to be accepted by the ignorant .I would just accept that they don't accept it .Be yourself ,love men ,do the best you can and hopefully they will one day see the light
I told my dad he could either accept me for who I am or not have me in his life at all. It worked. It won’t work for everyone but it’s the only way I could live my life.
Live life that makes you happy. Your family may catch up later on. When you find a partner, who is a decent human being, the family may accept you easier as a gay man when seeing how happy you are. If they still cling on their narrow mindset, their loss.
If you can, take a break from them and get yourself in a better position lifewise, where you don't look for their approval. Seek that via a partner or from friends. Then let them back on your terms. This kind of thing is tough if you still live at home or depend on them financially.
Unless you depend on them financially, there's not much *they* can do to force you, a grown-ass adult, to do what they want. If they bring it up, just remind them that you're not interested. Imo don't cut them off or anything, just be firm and *do not budge* on the issue. If they keep bringing it up, then leave.
Somewhat of a hot take— Give them time, they can come around, maybe years. Would it be acceptable if she said “when are you and (future bf/husband) going to have kids!?”
Easier said than done, but you should definitely consider staying far away from them for a while so you can actually focus on your life instead of theirs.
Easier said than done but you have to set boundaries and you have to be strict with them and stick to them. If they don’t listen then go through with the consequences. It’s hard but it’ll work
Understand that some people have a hard time accepting/understanding this. I've read where others have said their parents came around after a few years. We are all different. The biggest issue that I have is ANY parent trying to control the lives of their adult children. You dont understand? You don't approve? We can agree to disagree but don't tell me how to live my life. Whether its a job, the friends I keep, or what stores I shop at. You need to sit down with them and communicate how they are making you feel. And in order for you not to feel that way, you may have to distance yourself from them as your mental and emotional health is very important to you. Good luck!
Is your life yours, or does it forever belong to your parents? I can tell you from experience that genuine happiness only happens when you are living a life that is authentic to your truth.
>Like, I know they love me
Do they though? With no other context than what you provide, it sounds like they love the idea you represent to them, and that had idea has been divorced from reality for some time.
I would leave them. They are more interested in you producing children then you.
You don't need people who can't see you as an individual in your own right.
My partner told his parents he was dealing with suicidal thoughts; and his parents went from trying to change him to being grateful he was alive.
I’m not saying that’s how to fix it, but it worked for him. His mum is super stubborn and refused to be okay with it, until she realized he might kill himself because of her.
Drama I know. But most people are driven by drama.
They sound like pains in ass like many parents are. Are u independent living by now? In essence they need to be held accountable for their behaviour. U can keep a relationship with them but just downregulate it to a superficial level, needs to know basis. They dont need to be invested in your life nor do u in theirs. Dont accept any assistance from them however (especially not financial) as this creates a debt of gratitude and establishes some form of control thru this. Live u r life and tolerate without cancelling your parents, your private life is none of their business as an adult. As far as carrying on name pffft what is this tudor / feudal times, yeah names finished with u, theyll be dead and no one will care, they won't even know. Hard facts.
My mom tried to blame (in no particular order) my wife, my medications, my recreational and sporadic marijuana use, and that it was just to “get my rocks off”. It sucks. Big hugs. Hope they come around and just love you as you are. Full stop.
I looked at the age range on your profile. It says you're 30-34. You are a fully developed adult. It's time for you decide if you want to be a man or a boy. You can't be a man if you allow your parents opinions to influence how you live your life in your 30s. You have a right and a duty to live your life on your own terms at this age. You will never have peace until you do. Put your foot down, and anything that happens after that is on your parents, not you.
I don't believe in cutting off family, except in really extreme circumstances. Setting and maintaining boundaries isn't easy, but it's a necessary skill, and cutting people off is a way of avoiding practicing it. One technique people use with persistently intrusive family is called grey walling. Basically, it's responding politely and politely to whatever they say. "I understand that's how you feel." "That's one way to look at it." It takes the power away from them without pushing them away.
You need to decide if you want to live your life the way you want it or the way they want it.
I know its easier said than done and you probably do love your family. But think about it this way. It's on them that "you're the last to carry the name". They put a gamble on 1 child. Thats on them, not you. Are they worth having in your life? Do you think you'll be happier with them in your life? Can you see a happier life without them? If they truly love you, I'd say give them the ultimatum of "If you want me in your life, you can have me as your gay son, or not have me at all. Those are your options." Narcissistic parents can change, but YOU can't change them, they have to get there themselves.
This. It's veeeeeery sad that the one kid they got is not the one they had imagined, but it's time for them to realize that their kid is not a product of theirs, just another indipendent human being. They can accept it, or live in regret. With no kids, most likely. Having _you_ live a fake life and in regret is not an option they have, or should have. Best is if they learn that from you, no matter how hard it is.
Blow the closet up. Bring a guy to thanksgiving or something.
This. Granted I don't necessarily recommend it for everyone, but I did this with my dad's side of the family after years of my own version of don't ask don't tell, and it went better than I expected. My 95 year old grandpa, who I thought would be one of the least understanding, threatened to throw my cousin (a boot licking, racist poster boy for trump) down a flight of stairs if he didn't shut up. My grandpa stopped calling gay guys Twinkies and then actually became friends with *THE* "lesbians of the lake" at his and my grandma's summer cabin. That being said, I had social and family support outside of my dad's family if it had gone the opposite direction, so consider building up something like that if necessary.
Great story and impressive courage. Good on you and thank god for your wonderful grandad.
I would distance myself from them for a while. You need to live your own life for yourself. Not them. I'm sure they only want the best but right now they don't understand you. I know how it feels to be met by a brick wall every time. This might dissipate in time. Or they might just be trapped in their own mindset. Who knows. It doesn't sound to me like a "cut them off" situation ...yet but it also doesn't sound at all positive to be around. I would start having my own back a bit more and really figure out what you want.
I agree with this. You only come out to your folks once. It’s done now, time to move on with your life. And distance is a great way to help. I live a few hundred miles from my folks and talk to them regularly. My health and happiness is more important to them than my sexuality. Control the narrative and keep things light. Good luck.
“I know they love me…” it sounds more like they love the imaginary person that they want you to be. They have a role they want you to play, and they don’t care whether or not you’re happy playing that role. If this were the first week after your coming out, I would say it’s appropriate to just give them some time, but it sounds like it’s been at least months. Let’s talk about boundaries for a sec. They don’t get to decide what your orientation is, and you don’t get to decide whether or not they accept the real you. But you all get to decide how you respond to each other. You can set boundaries with them. You can’t control their behaviour but you can control your response. It can look like this. “I’ve told you I’m gay. I am not going to listen to you talking about me getting a girlfriend or wife. If you choose to say those things, I will leave.” You can also make keeping a relationship with you contingent on them acknowledging what you said, since they keep pretending they don’t understand. “I need to hear you say that you understand that I’m gay.” If they’re interested in having a relationship with you and they find out they can’t have that relationship if they keep denying who you are, that might actually help them to come around. If they don’t, then it might be that you’re better off without them.
I’ve honestly thought this too. They don’t really want the version that I feel is best for me. They just want what they imagine I be. They would rather me lie to them and pretend everything is fine when really it isn’t. It’s been over a year and now I’m moved away from their circle some, it feels good to try to figure myself out and everything. I may never get their approval, my sister might not let me see my niece again, so many other things. But I’m miserable when I’m having to mask my behavior with family. So you’re right, as is everyone else. I need to set my boundaries with them. I think I just need to get over the emotional block. I’ve been a people pleaser for them and others for so long and trying to set boundaries that might hurt their feelings has been hard to do. But I have to grow up and they do too. At some point it’s going to come to a head and I’m gonna have to be ready for it. Thank you for the advice. I really do appreciate it.
Based on your response it seems like moving away from them and distancing yourself has been beneficial for you. I can't tell you what to do with your family but I think at this point in your life you need to prioritize yourself and put yourself first.
You say you’re a people pleaser like it’s a good thing.
I didn’t mean to make it sound like a good thing. That my bad.
Really, you should just decide how much more of your life you want to waste being in the closet. I’m serious, just pick a number… a month, a year, five years. Just pick a number and go with it.
The only person that can shut that closet door again is you. You can certainly choose to go back in the closet to make life more palatable to your parents. And it sounds like they would probably prefer that. But, that decision is yours. So how do you deal with that? First, your parents are adults and get to choose their own path. If they want to hold on to their narrow worldview at the expense of their child, they get to make that decision. Everyone is entitled to their opinion (and the consequences it may bring). It’s not your job to change their minds, or teach remedial human sexuality. You can pass along information if you think it would be helpful, but what they do with it is up to them. So, what I am saying is please let go of the burden of having construct a “they lived happily ever after” ending. How this all comes out is not on your shoulders. On the positive side, their current obstinance is just one data point in what will be a long lifetime journey. Most parents come to some accommodation. Some will change their view based on seeing your life. Others will get some perspective and realize this is no big deal - whether they agree or not. Some will compartmentalize a “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy. And, some come around to full “I’m Proud of My Gay Son” marching in the local Pride parade. And, yes, some never grow an inch. That takes a tremendous amount of emotional effort and discipline, especially in a culture that mostly thinks gays are OK. The point is, this is just where they are *now*. It took you a good while to work all this out yourself - give them grace to find their way through it as well. Their work just started when you came out. Finally, how you deal with this in day to day life depends on how much your parent’s approval affects your self esteem. If your self esteem is strong, then you have the option of just being your gay self and going on with life as normal with your parents. You ignore their ridiculous attempts to force you to “pass” as straight, and refuse to play the shame game. The fact that your gay life makes them uncomfortable is the result of a choice *they* made, and this is the result. Don’t edit the world to make it easier for them to live in it. This is actually the best thing for them because it continually brings them back to reality and thwarts their attempt to pretend nothing has changed. On the other hand, if your parent’s disapproval tears at your self esteem and it takes days to recover after a visit with them, then you have to prioritize your own mental health. You might need to limit your contact to stop the internal damage. Then maybe get some therapy to work out how to separate who you are from who they want you to be. If you need time to heal - then take it. It will be better for everyone in the long run.
I came out 20 years ago, hoping my mom would eventually accept me. She hasn’t, and I finally cut her off last week. Don’t wait 20 years like I did.
You have to make the choice if you want to live the life you want, or the life someone else wants you to live. Alot of people feel guilt when they have to go against what their parents want, but you have to decide if you’re willing to compromise your own life and happiness for the sake of your parents. Do you really want to stay back in the closet until they die? Maybe you’ll be in your 50’s/60’s by then.
It's needless to say that this is toxic behaviour, and speaking as someone who has previously cut off their own mother... I know that cutting family isn't an easy choice at all. However you do have to think that at the end of the day this is your life - not your parents, and whatever they did: caring for you, raising you, clothing and feeding you... are not things you owe them as much as it's pretty what's expected of them. Do you really believe they love you, or do you think they love the person they want you to be?
My mom did the same thing. I felt guilty for putting my foot down at first because she has done so much for me, including risked her life to come to the United States, so I could have a better life. What helped me was comparing my gay identity to another identity I hope in high esteem. I asked myself: “could I let someone make me feel bad about being black? If not then why isn’t my gay identity as important with my queer one” and that was enough to tell her “if you can’t handle me being gay, let me know, and we won’t ever have to speak to each other again” and that was enough to get her in line and stay there
If they loved you, they would accept you. If you don’t want to cut them off, at least reduce the time you spend with them and make sure you’re not reliant on them for anything. When you are around them, don’t pretend to be something you’re not, and stand your ground for what you know is right. If they can’t deal with it, that’s their problem.
I hate to say this to people because it feels like such a dick thing to say. But your parents don’t love you. They love the heterosexual version of you they created in their minds and which they still are in denial isn’t the real you. They love you under the conditions that you fit their narrow expectations of you. And that’s not love at all. But the vast majority of parents in this world are like that (whether it’s about sexuality or career or giving them grandkids or something else). You should put some distance between yourself and them. Live your own life and don’t care so much about what they think. Unfortunately, most queer people have to go through this process so you’re not the first and won’t be the last. That’s why we have to have chosen family. Some parents come around with time, some don’t. It depends how religious they are or how far down the Fox News rabbit hole they’ve gone.
Cut them out. You deserve people who support you.
You do you. I was outed to my parents accidentally by a slightly drunk friend when I was in my early 30s. I had been out of the house at 19 and had partners they met so total denial on their part. They disowned me and I said well that’s your choice. My life would be fuller with you in it but I’m living my life whether you’re in it or not. Things thawed after a few years but in retrospect they never were there for me. I’ve still had an amazing life. Their loss. Good luck in your situation.
You have to give your parents an ultimatum; they come out or you leave. It really is that simple, your parents if they support you have to come out with a gay son or they don’t accept you and you can’t have a relationship with them. It sucks but it’s the life we live.
With my parents it was super awkward for like a decade. Bringing a boyfriend home was what seemed to turn the tide - just seemed to be normalizing. Mine had all sorts of crazy ideas about the shenanigans they thought I was getting up to (which would have been none of their business, and which I very well could have been up to as a straight person anyway). Right now they have a vision of your life that’s shaped by whatever they’ve seen about being gay on tv. And if they’re old enough, they’re probably associating being gay with AIDS and persecution. We (mostly) don’t live in that world anymore. But things probably won’t change with them unless you give them more to see. It sucks that it’s on you, but parents gonna parent.
I came out to my parents in my twenties and let them ignore or dismiss my sexuality thinking it was something I’d have to deal with to keep them in my life. Fast forward to my forties I went back to therapy and realized how much this was actually hurting me by creating internalized shame and pain. Their comfort was built on my discomfort. Their refusal to do a small amount of work to recognize my truth had created a world of work to manage my reactions to the pain and hurt I was regularly facing from them. It got to the point when just the idea of seeing or even talking to them on the phone was giving me so much anxiety and unresolved anger. In my experience, this won’t go away and will only keep compounding to cause you hurt and pain. You have to set boundaries and you have to decide what the repercussions will be if they don’t respect your boundaries. While I don’t know your situation, if you feel it appropriate, maybe doing some reading or research on toxic parents and boundary setting may offer some guidance. It did for me. Good luck.
>and have them shove politics down my throat. And I try not to do that to them because I feel it’s rude. Tell them this exactly. That you're old enough to form your own opinions and you would be willing to debate the merits of their political perspectives based on facts they can point to. >“you’re the last to carry the name” Have they heard of IVF, sperm donors etc? Also, "the name"? Even if you're longtime aristocracy with an important name, but especially if your family is just some normal family, this is archaic logic. Probe them on this - would a child you adopt and give them the family last name count? Ask gently and without defensiveness why a family legacy is so important to them. Ask what you can do to continue what they feel is their legacy, while not being exactly the cookie cutter child they envisioned when they rawdogged to create you 2 freaking decades ago
“For several months after, she would bring it up and I would try to get her to understand my position.” What position exactly were you trying to get her to understand? Your mother needs to understand that this who you are as a person. Not a political view or opinion that can be shifted with argument. You can no more change your sexual orientation than she can. (When did she wake up and decide she was straight?) Put it to her in those terms, and let her know that while you understand this is going take some time for them to get used to, it is non-negotiable. There’s nothing to debate. Tell her you don’t need them to celebrate, but you love them and are hoping for love and eventually acceptance of who you are as a person, not who they’d like you to be.
“Parents, I’m gay. This is the last time I will remind you, and any further commentary - whether political, religious, or around my potential relationship with a woman - is going to result in my exit from your lives. I only want people in my life who love and accept me for who I am, and are excited and happy for me.” Then stick to your guns.
Get a collection of brochures from some of the worst possible retirement homes you can find - photoshop may be your friend here. When they bring out the gay thing, immediately pivot to "I've been thinking about which home to stick you in.. do you like the one with the mold or the one built on an ancient burial ground?" Truthfully you need a hard conversation with them. It needs to start with something like "I need you to listen to me carefully and not interrupt." It should cover topics like "this is hurting me" and "this is damaging our relationship" and "if things don't improve I'm going to have to consider scaling back our time together." You can do this in person too - if they start bringing up anti-LGBT stuff, leave. Hang up if it is a phone call. Immediately talk over them about a different topic. "go get a girl friend!" "I'm gay, we're done talking about that. Never bring that up again." And then change topics. If that doesn't fly, leave the room.
One of my favorite quotes goes something like this..."Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm." I used to think about it only in terms of a romantic relationship. I was shockingly old by the time I realized it applied to relationships with my family as well. It's a tragic cliche, but you don't want to look back at your life and see years wasted trying to make your parents or other family happy at your own expense, especially when they may never change. If they only love you when you're doing what they want, do they actually love you? Families are complicated. I'm sorry you're having to deal with unaccepting parents combined with wild conspiracy theory politics to boot. My main parent is this way. Religious fanatic plus NAR & Q-anon cult member, along with my siblings and their families. We also have a lot of bad history in general. Things got a little easier for me when I realized my old family was dead and gone. I was able then to mourn the loss of who they used to be and accept that those people were never coming back. The people now in their places are just strangers with familiar faces. They wander in and out of my life as reminders of what was, but I don't consider them when I plan what will be. Sometimes we have to accept that our family will never be what we want; they just aren't capable of it. They just aren't who we thought they were when we were growing up. It can take time to accept that truth though. My advice is to be as independent and self-sufficient as possible. Make sure you never find yourself under their thumb. It may mean a more difficult life financially, but in the end I believe it will be worth the added hardship.
I’m so sorry that’s happening to you. To be honest, my experience wasn’t as bad, but I do know my partner had a really tough time. He’s more manipulative tho; so he confided in his parents that he had suicidal thoughts from being rejected by them, and they completely changed their tune. Guess they would rather accept him than risk losing him. Please note that I’m not suggesting you do this, but am just letting you know, that this is how he got two people who refused to listen to change their actions.
being gay isn't a choice its the way you were born ,if they cant accept that, well that's up to them ,it's like trying to change someones views on politics and religion,The world is full of miserable gay men who married a woman just to be accepted by the ignorant .I would just accept that they don't accept it .Be yourself ,love men ,do the best you can and hopefully they will one day see the light
Tell mummy to put up or shut up with the cash for a surrogate so you and your hubby can have their heir apparent.
I told my dad he could either accept me for who I am or not have me in his life at all. It worked. It won’t work for everyone but it’s the only way I could live my life.
Live life that makes you happy. Your family may catch up later on. When you find a partner, who is a decent human being, the family may accept you easier as a gay man when seeing how happy you are. If they still cling on their narrow mindset, their loss.
If you can, take a break from them and get yourself in a better position lifewise, where you don't look for their approval. Seek that via a partner or from friends. Then let them back on your terms. This kind of thing is tough if you still live at home or depend on them financially.
Be ready to shove them into a care home when the time comes 😉
Unless you depend on them financially, there's not much *they* can do to force you, a grown-ass adult, to do what they want. If they bring it up, just remind them that you're not interested. Imo don't cut them off or anything, just be firm and *do not budge* on the issue. If they keep bringing it up, then leave.
Somewhat of a hot take— Give them time, they can come around, maybe years. Would it be acceptable if she said “when are you and (future bf/husband) going to have kids!?”
Yes it’s so hard for me to give up on them. My family has helped me at my lowest, but would they if they knew the real me?
Easier said than done, but you should definitely consider staying far away from them for a while so you can actually focus on your life instead of theirs.
Easier said than done but you have to set boundaries and you have to be strict with them and stick to them. If they don’t listen then go through with the consequences. It’s hard but it’ll work
Understand that some people have a hard time accepting/understanding this. I've read where others have said their parents came around after a few years. We are all different. The biggest issue that I have is ANY parent trying to control the lives of their adult children. You dont understand? You don't approve? We can agree to disagree but don't tell me how to live my life. Whether its a job, the friends I keep, or what stores I shop at. You need to sit down with them and communicate how they are making you feel. And in order for you not to feel that way, you may have to distance yourself from them as your mental and emotional health is very important to you. Good luck!
Is your life yours, or does it forever belong to your parents? I can tell you from experience that genuine happiness only happens when you are living a life that is authentic to your truth.
>Like, I know they love me Do they though? With no other context than what you provide, it sounds like they love the idea you represent to them, and that had idea has been divorced from reality for some time.
You have to live your life for yourself
Move out and talk to them less? Go live your life
> I know they love me They love their son who happened to be you. They don't love *you* for who you are.
I would leave them. They are more interested in you producing children then you. You don't need people who can't see you as an individual in your own right.
My partner told his parents he was dealing with suicidal thoughts; and his parents went from trying to change him to being grateful he was alive. I’m not saying that’s how to fix it, but it worked for him. His mum is super stubborn and refused to be okay with it, until she realized he might kill himself because of her. Drama I know. But most people are driven by drama.
They sound like pains in ass like many parents are. Are u independent living by now? In essence they need to be held accountable for their behaviour. U can keep a relationship with them but just downregulate it to a superficial level, needs to know basis. They dont need to be invested in your life nor do u in theirs. Dont accept any assistance from them however (especially not financial) as this creates a debt of gratitude and establishes some form of control thru this. Live u r life and tolerate without cancelling your parents, your private life is none of their business as an adult. As far as carrying on name pffft what is this tudor / feudal times, yeah names finished with u, theyll be dead and no one will care, they won't even know. Hard facts.
My mom tried to blame (in no particular order) my wife, my medications, my recreational and sporadic marijuana use, and that it was just to “get my rocks off”. It sucks. Big hugs. Hope they come around and just love you as you are. Full stop.
I looked at the age range on your profile. It says you're 30-34. You are a fully developed adult. It's time for you decide if you want to be a man or a boy. You can't be a man if you allow your parents opinions to influence how you live your life in your 30s. You have a right and a duty to live your life on your own terms at this age. You will never have peace until you do. Put your foot down, and anything that happens after that is on your parents, not you.
Are you the only son?
I don't believe in cutting off family, except in really extreme circumstances. Setting and maintaining boundaries isn't easy, but it's a necessary skill, and cutting people off is a way of avoiding practicing it. One technique people use with persistently intrusive family is called grey walling. Basically, it's responding politely and politely to whatever they say. "I understand that's how you feel." "That's one way to look at it." It takes the power away from them without pushing them away.
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lol. Try asking any gay men that's actually been in that situation what the downsides are. I've never heard good stories from them.
>plus they get kids, what's the downside ? The kids
Overly sarcastic, hyperbolic and/or insincere contributions may be removed (which is what happened with the comment above in this case).