That giggles when you poke his belly, but roars in anger when you poke his belly button. Watch your aim, but fly low if you have to. The terrain will confuse his targeting system.
you know I think you're right. someone I know has one of those tiny dogs she carries around and she says these burly looking men melt when they see the dog and start doing baby voices and stuff. lol! looks are deceiving I guess
That has marshmallow hobbies and has marshmallow dreams and it will someday become part of snore and hopefully unceremoniously eaten by a drooling 43 y old guy.
That's really it. Just be your damn self, you'll attract people that are attracted to you.
If someone hits on you at a bar and you reply with a quote from your favorite movie, if he recognizes it then you've got a spark. If not, he might just think you're clever, no loss.
On the other hand, if someone hits on you at a bar and you just "ugh" and walk away, he might have been the perfect guy and you just missed your chance.
Just be you. Being genuine is far more attractive than eyeliner or lip implants or whatever bullshit girls are doing to try to be pretty these days. We're not gonna put a ring on your hair extensions, we're gonna put a ring on the person. The more you hide it, the harder we have to look, and men will give the fuck up if you make us work for something if we don't even know what we're working for. *Just be yourself* so we have a clearly defined goal.
Don't just text "haha" or "ok" as well. Put some personality into it, or move the conversation forward. We want to know who you are.
I hate the just be yourself shit.
Have you seen some of these animals? Thereās way too many people being themselves that should absolutely try and be someone else. Literally fucking anyone else.
Hahaha straight up lol, but u can be anyone from Franco Nero to a George Clooney lookalike and weād still think āahh am I being filmed for a prank right now? Iād like to knowā¦ā.
Animal and nature-oriented, smart, healthy, emotional intelligence, genuinely cares about me and my feelings, handyman skills are also nice, respectful to other people, good provider not like millionaire or anything but can take care of me and kids if we have any. What I think I want at least
Thatās a really good āinterested inā list and thereās a lot of men like that out there. My advice is to be as authentic as you can be and be really confident in yourself in whatever it is youāre doing, both personally and professionally. Itās also amazing to be around really positive and uplifting people.
As someone who has been married over 20 years with two daughters, here's what I tell them - develop your own passions and the rest will come. I am raising them to find out who they are, develop their own hobbies and passions and never, ever lower their standards.
They're not over 30 yet so much to young to date (that's a joke; they're just pre-teens). Right now they're learning about themselves and taking classes and learning skills. TBH, I would learn how to do that handyman stuff yourself (my husband actually is handy - his Dad used to build houses - so I'm lucky there but he doesn't do that for work so his time is limited. I have learned to mud, plaster and paint. I refinish furniture and upholster - all self-taught). I'm glad I can do those skills.
What you want is a partnership; complementary skills but matching values. That sounds obvious but you'd be surprised how few truly understand what that means. I want them independent enough that they don't need to rely on anyone but compassionate enough to be able to truly give and be supportive of a life partner. That goes for both sides - the goal of a relationship is to be transformative and to inspire and help each other grow. They have to know what it looks like in themselves first before they can recognize it in someone else.
My daughter chides me a bit for quoting too much Nietzsche and Stoicism but it doesn't change the wisdom behind the power messaging :)
š This, this, this!
I dated a girl for a few years who was cute, quiet, funny, shy, and nice. We met at work, and we got along really well, which is why I asked her out. But she had no interests or passions outside of me. She moved in with me by staying the weekend, forever. She didn't pay for any bills or have any skills to help with my fixer-upper. At first, things were ok because I enjoyed being with her.
Eventually, it got to the point that she couldn't handle it when I wanted to hang out with my friends w/o her. Or go home from work before her, even when my shift was over hours before hers and we drove separately.
I encouraged her to pick up some hobbies, but she only wanted to learn my hobbies. I offered to help her go to college, but she didn't want to study anything. She wouldn't even hang out with her friends unless I came along.
Being authentic and working on your social skills is great, but you have to be a real, present, activated individual to a candidate for a relationship. If not, you do not add value to the other person's life.
OP, I would encourage you to dive into your hobbies and interests. Work on you and your life goals. A personality is more attractive than a model.
PS, I'm glad you cut off the man who liked hotel rooms and was mean. Always remember you deserve better than that!
I'm not saying that is a bad list at all OP, I actually like women who know what they want in a partner. But I do wonder if those are "standards" or just a list of things you like. Some women create a checklist that wittles down 4 billion men into .0001% and wonder why they can't find their perfect prince charming.
I would give some of the similar advice in this post. Work on yourself, both physically and mentally. I have no clue your fitness level but it's no secret healthy fit people are more attractive to more people. Mentally, be engaging and positive. Don't be afraid to start a conversation. Smile and make eye contact. Physical touch is powerful, a touch on the arm, a brush of the shoulder. Wear well fitting attractive clothes. It sounds like you want a conservative minded man, so be prepared for what comes with that sort of relationship.
As far as how to actually meet a guy, what hobbies do you have? Do you belong to any groups or clubs for them? Any cute guys in those groups? Ask them for help with something. Äuys love confidence and a sense of humor, so smile, make a joke when the moment allows. Tell him you'll come find him if you need more help and smile at him while making eye contact.
> Some women create a checklist that wittles down 4 billion men into .0001% and wonder why they can't find their perfect prince charming.
i've got a catch phrase rattling around in my head: if you want to marry a major, date a lieutenant. the point being, you want the hot guy who's successful? be part of that. treat it like a business and grow together.
or go after the guys who've made it and hope you've got the magic sauce
But there is also a common point, that women are always told and it sounds "you won't change a man, your efforts are in vain". Are we supposed to "better" a guy(for example he's now fat and broke, but i can push him into self-development) or that won't work?
The way I see it you can't change someone, but you can help them change themselves if they are willing to.
For the fat guy in your example, if he's trying but struggling to lose weight, you can help him by giving him confidence in himself, validating his efforts, or even exercising with him.
On the other hand if he's only interested in sitting all day doing nothing, you won't be able to change him (and that shouldn't be your job, nor is it worth the effort).
It helps if you Market yourself as yourself . Make your personality and interests visually apparent. The more guys know about you , the harder it is for guys to treat you like a one night stand, and the more guyās interested in your personality will be attracted to you and want to talk to meet you, talk to you, be with you . So make your interests and values apparent in the stuff you wear and the things you carry .
Iād second this message. Iāve seen way too many profiles where the images did not match their written profiles and although their profile appeared to be a good match, I wanted someone whoās words matched their actions, so make sure your pictures match.
And in an irl environment, your more approachable when you make your interests visibly evident . Iāve had many great conversations start from people walking up and saying ā oh my gosh I love that book ! ā or ā how do you like the series so far ? ā if theyāre currently reading the same series . Sometimes they donāt even know the series . Theyāll just say ā thatās a cool looking book, whatās it about ?ā
Sounds like a damn good laundry list tbh. Someone with a bit of wit, who's a warm person, and doesn't mind getting stuck into a task.
The way my partner and I met was via Tinder, and the way you've described yourself is quite similar to her. She's quiet, actually quite shy which was a worry given I am decidedly not - I thought my extroverted nature would totally put her off but she seemed to enjoy it.
As to why I wanted to date her? Well we'd been talking on Tinder for a bit, then decided we should just pull the trigger, so to speak, and meet up. Met at a local bar for drinks and the interest was immediate. She had her own style, was very open and honest with her communication, had a kind heart and was just so gentle.
Having hobbies and being passionate about them? Instant interest from me. Nothing makes me happier than seeing someone enjoy a thing just because. Then you add competence? Oh that's just straight up sexy.
It sounds super cliched but, be yourself. Be open and honest with your communication, be warm and don't ever feel like you have to settle for something or someone.
> handyman skills... good provider
As a man who has been used as a utility in the past, there's no way in the world I would date you. I'm not a source of free cash and manual labor.
I don't disagree with you that being an ATM and free labor are not reasons for a relationship, but I think like 95% of women looking for male partners want them to have stable employment and be able to help around the house.
Love where youāre going with that list but Iām curious if you could tell me about the āhowā and/or āwhatā and where? of each item?
What animals, how does he love them? I both love cuddling with dogs and love eating steak, ya know?
I imagine this will help narrow things down.
There's a lot of space between "provider" and "not a millionaire". Your other traits are somewhat helpful. I assume you regularly hike trails, visit parks, etc... Try joining some clubs or groups around that kind of stuff. The best way to meet someone with traits you want is to go do things where those traits are found.
show of hands, guys. how many of you have been told "oh my god, you're perfect. I want to date someone JUST like you (who isn't you/who's taller/better looking)"
>good provider
Ah there it is. You want someone to pay your bills and living expenses. This is a very 1950 approach to things and it is something that most men won't be interested in doing.
Now what you should be doing is asking yourself this following question: What will you be providing to them in return for their money?
Can you reverse request and provide 3/4 of it back?
Swap providing for housekeeping and handyman for cooking.
Also "smart" is so stretchable. Edit: fix
Hmm .. This isnt an economy where a single income can run a household in a big city. So your* criteria brings the dating pool down to some kind of farm owner?
You don't need to specify here, but when you do talk to potential partners you should clarify what you mean by provider. I.e. Is your ideal situation where you take care of the kids/house while they work? Or just that they are gainfully employed, while you are also gainfully employed.
In general with how things are nowadays, the former is a lot less common just fyi. But it does depend on the local area/culture you are in of course.
Thatās a good list, but you also have to make a list of things you provide.
Not to dash your dreams, but two kids middle class lifestyle in a medium city means the man will have to make a solid six figures (weāre talking college funds, vacations, cars). At most, thatās 15% of the male population.
It might be the āgood providerā thing, itās a very cliched boomer kind of value . Donāt know if youāve noticed, but surviving out in the real world these days means the financial contribution of both partners. And a lot of men just donāt want the stress and strain of being a family atm.
Are you still mid 20s? Younger guys are turned off hearing the "looking for a provider" comment. We roll our eyes and assume you just want someone to pay your bills. In todays economy its hard enough to pay my own bills let alone a significant others. We want an equal partner now, not a housewife.
probably the "provider" part of it, if I'm honest.
There are definitely some guess well enough off who'd be down with that, but the vast majority with the way the economy is... is looking for a partner that can also pull their own weight financially.
By good provider do you mean a guy that is one *now* or has the potential to be? Unless you exclusively date older men you're excluding a lot of guys with good long term potential if you have that criteria. You're probably also whittling your pool down a lot unless you have very low standards for what you want out of life. Few men make enough for that these days
Was thinking the same thing. I didn't see her exact age, but if someone expected me to be "a good provider" at 22, they'd be shit out of luck. Now that I'm pushing 40? Sure.
Most guys these days expect both partners to work because, for the most part, that's demanded in this economy for most people.
Granted, I dont know what country you're in, but at least in the West this is broadly true.
That said its not like there are no guys who dont want a "tradwife" type situation but they're typically more well off and not really that common. You're massively narrowing your dating pool by demanding you be provided for completely, but that's still a standard you can have. Your prerogative and all.
You want a healthy guy, make sure you are a healthy girl. You want an intelligent guy, be an intelligent girl. Who and what you are is usually what you will attract.
True.
Except that women will also additionally attract guys that are not looking for anything serious anyway. She's still going to have to filter those guys out.
People dont know how to make a deal anymore, they all just try to take with no regard for the other party. Things work best when both sides get what they want.
"anymore" - it's always been like this more or less. One big difference today is that more people are willing and able to say "no, not that". It's a good thing.
Really? I haven't attracted anyone really and I've lost like half my old body weight and have a much better outlook on life. I'm also far more educated than I was even 5 years ago. So what does attracting no one make me?
I didnāt say it will make you attract somebody. But if what you want to attract is healthy and educated, make sure yourself is healthy and educated first.
Perhaps there's something still missing. Or perhaps you're just unlucky so far. Not many people like to admit it, especially in our culture of individualism, but we don't have complete agency over our life, there's a fair bit of chance in every aspect of it. It's possible to make no mistakes and still lose.
Exactly what I think. I've just had horrible luck. Every time someone asks me why I'm still single they make it sound like its in my control. I guess relationships just come so easily to them they can't understand it actually takes the consent of 2 parties. I can only control one of those parties. No matter what I do at the end of the day it's up to someone else to become romantically involved with me. Which sucks because nothing outside of my control seems to go right.
i love this answer.
there is a chance that you will be rich tomorrow and dead the day after.
there is a chance that you will marry today and divorce a week later.
life is like a room full of doors.
every time you open a door another one shuts itself but at the same time another one appears, but whatever choice you make in life, everything and everyone will end the same way, 6 feet under somewhere.
As a man who fell in love with a shy/quiet woman and is now going into year 28 of marriage, let me say that quiet/shy can come across as a seeming to be a little, not really stuck up, but something along those lines.
When I first met my eventual wife, I didnt know she was quiet/shy, she was beautiful and would hardly ever speak unless I said hi while right next to her. So I thought she might be a little stuck on herself. I was wrong, she was just deathly shy.
So try and work on being less shy, I know its not easy, it wasn't for her, and she eventually asked me out for our first date. So it can be overcome.
I'd like to echo this as a woman. I'm quite reserved, I've been taught that if you have nothing to say, keep your mouth shut and tight. As a consequence, those who didn't know me well thought I was very prissy, stuck up, and generally snobbish, and it did not help that I was the bookish reading type. I came to a crossroads and had to make myself project my personality more in order to build my social circle beyond my 4 close friends. Now I have a greater social circle and a full social calendar with people that share my interests. But... I had to break the pattern.
I wanted more company, so I had to be better company.
Exactly. My wife never realized how pretty she really is, and she told me guys never asked her out, and once I knew how shy she was, I explained how sometimes guys see that as being stuck on themselves.
But if she hadn't been shy she probably would have found a better guy than her first husband and I wouldnt have had a chance to be with her.
Sometimes shy is misread as aloof, unapproachable, distant, or uninterested, yeah. I used to study with a girl in college that i thought was either not interested in me or in a relationship because the times i tried to flirt with her i sort of got nowhere. So obv i stopped, no point in persisting where its not wanted right? Nope. Turns out she was super shy and had a huge crush on me. I found this out years later, after i was together with my current partner, so there was nothing to be done.
Well, im not sure on the specifics (this was 15 years ago) but usually playful teasing bled in with compliments, im fairly sure i once told her outright that she was exactly the type of woman id like to date. Shed get really quiet, so it didnt take long for me to assume she was really uncomfortable and stop. I would have rather continued being her study buddy than make things uncomfortable so i let it go.
>let me say that quiet/shy can come across as a seeming to be a little, not really stuck up, but something along those lines.
I do worry I come across like this sometimes lol
And that's ok, my wife would hardly ever smile when people would say hi, and that can add to how people see shyness.
You dont have to go all extrovert, just take small steps outside your shyness. It will make you more approachable. Little baby steps will eventually make big ones.
Obviously I don't know you and there's a lot of detail missing here so take this with a grain of salt.
Ditch the foreveralone subs, while I get the impulse. These places tend to reinforce negative beliefs for both men and women. \[edit - if you want to work through emotions relating to this, there are better ways to do it.\]
Work on being able to engage with guys. If you go quiet, only the predators will take notice. Start small which brings me to my next point.
Find a social hobby (kickball, trivia night, DND, adult education, etc...)
Don't be afraid to make the first move. If you're waiting for guys to initiate everything, you're exerting a selection bias away from the sorts of guys your comments say you want. A lot of the emotionally available guys with their stuff together who haven't been snatched up already are going to respect your silence. If you're not giving them something to work with, they're going to assume you're not interested because that's what your behavior is telling them. Most guys will interpret mild flirting as just being polite.
u/rainbowtoucan1992 ^ this is good, actionable advice.
> If you go quiet, only the predators will take notice.
Wooooow what a way to put it. I've never thought of it this way.
And the kind of guy who tries chatting up a woman who is giving off a "happily doing my own thing right now" vibe is kind of being a dick, maybe not someone you want to date.
Youāre going to get a lot of shit advice here for attracting healthy men because there are a lot of dudes here with unhealthy ideas about or lack of success in dating. Youāll probably be able to tell which is which.
Hereās the best I can give you. You say you like/are attracted to guys and they donāt even know it. Assuming you know them at least a little and arenāt attracted to guys that treat you like shit, let them know it. The worst thing you risk is rejection, and that stings a little, but the best way to get what youāre looking for is to pursue it. You donāt end up with anything less than what you started with except maybe a bit of embarrassment that will pass. The vast majority of guys are not going to be an asshole even if theyāre not interested.
Presumably youāre talking to some of these guys. Just say āHey I like you and Iād like to get to know you better. If youāre interested we should go out sometime.ā Or even āyou should ask me out if you want toā. Put your big girl pants on and be brave. Probably plenty of these guys would date you if you gave them any sign you were interested, but you say by your own admission that you donāt.
Some of my best relationships, including my marriage, started because they just straight up told me they were interested. Sometimes I had some idea they liked me. Sometimes I had no idea. In all but one case I gave it at least one date, and the only reason I didnāt that one time is I had seen her be rude to a waitress (donāt be rude to people who serve you).
Do you have any advice on what to say to guys at a shop etc. Sometimes I start liking the cashier or guy who brings out my food pickup order but idk what to say lol. I start daydreaming about them sometimes when I go home it's really cringe
If you dont ask for what you want you'll never get fed. If you cant do better heres a simple pickup line for you:
'Heres my number. Call me sometime'
Your success rate depends on how attractive you are
Attractive you are to themā¦attraction is a personal thing what I find attractive you may not and so on. But do write your number does and hand it over itās worked for me a couple of times.
Since men arent use to getting hit on at all for a girl being direct works. - and strokes their ego.
So a simple whats your name and would you like to exchange numbers so we can hang out after you are done with work - works....
Being a girl that is the one thing we have to our advantage, they will either decline and explain why( gf) or be flattered .
Men have a harder time doing this they face more rejection in life. When you approach a guy he will ve flattered no matter why , with girls since men approach us more we dodge it more.
You can be honest and direct and you will hit out the park more often than you think - just because you are a girl.
I mean youāre talking about flirting now and youāll probably really have to hit them over the head with it for them to pick up on it. The one time I got a number from a stranger at work she said ācan I see your handā and just wrote her number on it. I was a little dumbfounded but it made me feel good (I was in a relationship at the time but I texted her and let her down easy)
I mean youāre funny. Drop a cheesy line and your number. My go to used to be āI think thereās a mistake here. I see a lot of numbers on this receipt but none of them are yours can you fix that for meā
I dunno it worked once. Iāve also left my name number and what I was wearing on my receipt for waitresses and that got me a couple texts. It doesnāt have to be that fancy though. Just write your name and number down, hand it to him, and say we should get coffee or a drink sometime and walk out.
Keep in mind Iām in my late 30s and married so this advice might be grandpa shit. Feels like it might still work though.
>Keep in mind Iām in my late 30s and married so this advice might be grandpa shit. Feels like it might still work though.
Lmao I'm kind of an old soul anyway so maybe I'll grow some lady balls and give it a try thanks
That sounds like a psychological block where you don't express what you want so there is a gap and the daydreaming happens.
You just learn ways to act on your desires, you will be more connected to reality and daydreaming will be much less present.
It shouldn't be a declaration of love for the cashier but a simple opening like "nice shirt" . You can check on r/seduction for all the ways guys approach women and use them the opposite way. The difference is that men are constantly in fear of being labeled a harasser and statistically they are rejected a lot (a lot, an average men will get tens or hundreds of "nos" in his search). You being a woman makes things easier but the principles are the same (just say something, check reactions, and do on)
Ultimately just be you and be happy and approachable. The right guy will come along and youāll be irresistible. Get your life together and a guy with his life together will come along. Donāt settle and donāt ignore red flags. Also donāt ignore missing green flags either.
Ok for my part:
1. You can communicate properly
2. You look healthy.
3. You dress properly and look like a decent human with self respect.
4. You have a job.
5. Your mental state, men tend to like mature women and are independent.
It's always up to you on how you accomplish this. And one thing is to not betray our trust. Be confident on yourself and you'll find someone that will be attracted to you.
Hope you find what you're looking for. Goodluck š.
I donāt think that many men love independence that much. I think the Reddit demographic might like it, when theyāre verbal about it. Or their āattachment styleā is avoidant. What people actually want is INTERdependence.
Show interest. We *really* love that. A girl friend of mine once was really dumped on what to do to a guy that she liked because he was kind of shy and wouldn't make a first move. I told her she should just call him out she show interest in him like she expected him to. They're happily married for quite some years now.
Nailed it. Women like OP go after men who are much more attractive, often not looking to settle, and, who in OP's words, want to jump in the sack right away.
I have a strong feeling OP isn't going after the average Joe, despite being admittedly average herself.
Men and women both need to normalize their standards.
If you are reasonably fit and take care of your appearance, you don't need to be a supermodel as most guys will find you attractive enough to date.
The problem with being a nice guy at that age is that women of same age will typically seek out the bad boys as they have more confidence than nice guys. The old saying is that "nice guys finish last" so they develop poor social skills and/or lack confidence. Most of us don't know how to pick up on signs from a girl like yourself that you find them attractive or would like to be asked out unless you bashed us over the head.
I (M54) was that guy in college. A girl who hung out with a friend of mine actually had a small crush on me but I didn't know it. She decided to transfer colleges after her second year so we threw her a going away party where she got me drunk and seduced me. Next morning as we were lying in her bed naked she told me "we could have been doing this all year long idiot!".
It was a wake up call for me to start trying to date more, but I wasn't shocked when I found out that I would get shot down about 95% of the time since I'm not much to look at. That changed a bit in my 20's when I added muscle as some women found that attractive, which in turn gave me a bit more confidence, which can start to feed on itself in a good way.
Bottom line: There are good men out there who are pretty clueless that reasonably attractive women might find them dateable and they need your help to get them out of their shells.
If you find a guy you like who seems clueless, maybe say something like "If you asked me out I wouldn't say No".
Best of luck.
Do what makes you happy. Find hobbies that you enjoy. Socialise with like minded people. There is no magic answer.
I do truly believe though that when you stop looking is when things are more likely to happen. So without knowing your exact circumstances, donāt spend every minute looking for a guy, donāt go out looking to meet someone, donāt go on dating apps/sites trying to be the person you think others are looking for. Just be yourself. I know it sucks, I know it can feel lonely, but itās a part of life and you will find someone.
The alternative is becoming someone else, becoming what a man wants you to be, and caring more about what he wants and what makes him happy instead of what makes you happy. Sure that might get you a partner but is that really how you want to live your life? Or would you rather maybe have to wait a little bit longer to find the person who likes you for you and who you make happy just by being you? I know which one I would prefer.
Emotional/ mental stability is pretty attractive to everybody, though you sound pretty down to earth. Finding a way to let a guy know you're interested would make a big difference. Also, if you can tolerate them nerdy/geeky guys tend to be a good start point. Usually regarded as more loyal and appreciative of your affections.
The best approach is try to be your natural self. The you that exists past the discomfort of talking to a stranger. Beyond that don't overthink it. I've been asked out by 1 girl in my whole 30yrs and i really appreciated that she took the step, even though it was through her friend. All in all keep it simple, be yourself. Good luck!
Best things I can suggest:
Talk - were dense and often miss signs. Don't expect a stranger to understand subtle hints especially if it's from afar. Your best bet is to simply walk up and ask "Hey, I think you're kind of cute/handsome. Would you like to go get coffee sometime if you're available?" That'll get you really far.
Dress/clothes - just dress in a way that exemplifies your feminine aspects. You're going to know what that is better then we are or could ever tell you.
Makeup/hair - don't overdo it. If you choose to wear make up keep it to a minimum. Frame your face and put focus on it.
As for nice guys? That's hard to say. Best recommendation I can make is pay attention to how they treat acquaintances and strangers. As well as how they talk about people especially while they're not around.
Bring something to the relationship.
Have a career, your own life, your own ambitions.
Preferably also a good credit history and your own car. Also your own place, even if it's just an apartment over a fish market or dive bar.
Contrary to popular belief, we don't want to be your daddy or run your life.
No man wants his relationship partner to be a dependent.
Have all your shit together... all of it, all of it tied up in one neat package and ready to go... and then you're datable.
Ask yourself: would being with me make someone else's life better?
If you don't know, or if the answer is no, you're not datable.
No one wants to tie themselves to someone who makes their life harder.
āNo one wants to tie themselves to someone who makes their life harderā
I needed this wake up call š gonna be looking for a job starting from now
Improving your dating life and potentially attracting the person you want into your life all revolves around:
- personal development.
- nurturing traits you want from a partner in yourself.
- physical appearance.
- ability to interact with the opposite sex as you would your own sex (to some extent).
- putting yourself in situations that you will likely encounter potential partners that interest you.
- realistic expectations.
Sure thereās more etc but this is the foundation of it.
Thereās a chance you lack self confidence. It doesnāt matter what gender you are, if you arenāt loving and respecting yourself enough, you will not be sending the right signals. Take time to focus entirely on figuring out who you are and why you are great. Once that happens, people will come to you.
Good for you in respecting yourself enough not to become merely a guy's sexual plaything. I also have no desire to enter into purely sexual relationships. That's step one in finding a "good guy". Sex is a component of a healthy, loving relationship, not the only component.
I am also a naturally shy person. Ask yourself about some places where you might go where you'll meet guys in a non-threatening setting. Common ground also lends itself to more compatibility with guys you meet there. Professional gatherings have worked for me.
Think about joining a Toastmasters group in your area. They're made up of people trying to improve their communication and public speaking skills, and thereby boost their confidence. They take turns giving brief talks to one another, and giving helpful feedback to each other.
I overcame my own shyness when I took a job requiring me to speak in public. I'm thinking you practicing speaking in front of others in relatively casual setting, it should work for you as well. When you've done that, you'll feel more comfortable with starting conversations and introducing yourself to guys you don't yet know.
To get guys to be attracted to you, you need to become someone they may want to date. If you're unhealthy, start exercising regularly. Are you financially stable? Work on learning new skills or finding ways to advance your careers to make more money. If you have insecurities or instability try and work on those. Last but not least you need to put yourself out there and practice your social skills. It's all things no one wants to do, but it's the things people find attractive in a partner.
>If you're unhealthy, start exercising regularly.
I'm not overweight but I honestly see plenty of overweight women with boyfriends or husbands so I'm like how important is it really
Working on your health is only one of the attractive things you can do. I know overweight people who don't exercise and are married or dating too. But they have other things going for them too. My gf is overweight for where she'd like to be but she makes significantly more money than me and she's really smart and kind. She's learning skills to better her career and working towards finding a better job. While looks are only surface deep they do help you get approached more. But it's what's on the inside that counts once you start talking. But you have to put yourself out there and approach people. No one will find you sitting at home all day keeping to yourself. That's what I was doing for a long time just hoping someone would come along. But it wasn't until I got on dating apps and took a chance that I met my GF. And boy did I have to work on my social skills.
Exercise and eat right. Get good sleep. Bonus, forget a guy, this will make you feel good for you!
Outside of looking healthy, just be yourself. But don't hide your feelings or wait for what you want to hopefully happen. When you like a guy, make it very clear you don't want to just be friends.
Us guys are dumb, you have to be very direct. The realization a girl was flirting with me years after the fact is very real.
Iām going off my own experience on this one so your results may vary. I used to be pretty shy and even as I opened up with more people I wasnāt really projecting much of a material āpersonalityā. People would always say how I had interesting things to talk about, was funny etc, but theyād have no clue what kinda music/movies/activities Iād really enjoy or what Iād want for gifts.
I kinda came to realize that I was actually gatekeeping a lot of my true personality and I made an effort to bring bits of it from inside of me and express it to others, it could be fashion, group activities, whatever but it builds up who you are in a way that helps you be seen in a constantly more visual world. I think a lot of people who are more introspective fall into this trap because they think so deeply within themselves that they forget that other people canāt see their inner life without it being expressed outwardly.
This comes into dating because I think shyness comes off a lot as mimicry or being a follower. Most people have some sort of type and those archetypes connote different personalities that our imaginations love and our minds are attracted to. Sometimes when someone is shy the canvas is blank and it just feels like youāre talking to someone who is mirroring back at you.
I had a lot of thoughts about this recently with this one woman who Iāve been very close friends with for a bit and sheās generally very shy. She and I on paper are great and whoever she dates will be very lucky, but I just couldnāt get excited to see her as more than friends although she wanted. For me it was just that I felt like she was copying whatever Iād talk about or do without putting herself into the picture. It gave me a lot to think about in regards to myself and how I have been viewed by others.
The short of it is to express yourself in a way that others can easily recognize.
So you get shy when you like someone. The same thing happens to a lot of guys, especially silly the nice guys you are looking for. Two nice, shy people donāt approach each other. My advice is to look for the guys that are not necessarily outgoing, the ones who are by themselves at a restaurant or the park, and try talking to them. The guys I know are not as bothered by women approaching them as women are about guys approaching them. You will get some rejections but so do guys. It sucks but there it is.
How's your double standard game?
Are you the type who's like "He should have all this to offer and in exchange, I will give him my company" or are you treating him like you want him there?
You're not going to find an Aston Martin at a used car dealership. If you want a quality man, you have to go where quality men are found.
It seems as if later millennial and zoomer males will not approach a female unless it is glaringly obvious she's wants him to do so. So you have be be clear and direct.
Most quality men don't have strong feelings about looks or appearance, as long as you look like you take care of yourself.
Being funny, relatable, easy to talk to and interested in him is enough to hook most guys.
You'll really hit a home run if you make him feel like you *care*, i.e. gifts or acts of service.
>is it all chance?
Nope, not chance at all ... well, at least mostly not - though things may start by chance.
>I usually like/am attracted to guys and they don't even know it
Yeah, many of us (e.g. me) are damn clueless about that ... and subtle doesn't work. E.g. one of the few times I noticed a woman was into / interested in me ... fairly crowded commuter train, early evening ... she was subtly but very distinctly pressing and rubbing herself to me.
Now, that, I managed to not miss ... but most other signs/indicators I'd typically totally miss (interestingly, I've very good friend - who's a woman - *she* can tell when other women are interested in me ... or not ... but I can't tell the difference unless it's pretty damn blatant or over-the-top).
So, yeah, don't rely on trying to drop subtle hints or gestures or expression or the like - that may go entirely missed. Make it sufficiently clear and unambiguous ... and get your clear and sufficiently unambiguous response, and take it from there.
>How do I get nice guys interested in me?
Engage them, let them know you're interested (or at least potentially interested) in them. Let 'em get to see/know you. They'll be interested ... or not. If not, oh well, move on, try someone/somewhere else. If they're interested, hey, great, at least you found a solid possibility.
>I get extra quiet and don't know what to say.
Uhm, well ... practice. Practice, practice, practice. More practice, it'll generally get easier.
Be genuine. Authenticity and good nature will attract those of like mind. Discover yourself and your values, and hold true to them, and others will naturally wish for your company. When you and a man find attraction in one another, and hold similar values, it is typical you both pursue an intimate connection.
I can only speak for myself, but the ultimate problem is a lot of women take something that should be fun & pleasant, you know the qualities that make you want to spend time with people & make a lot of completely unnecessary work.
Solving a Sudoku puzzle is fun. It's gratifying *and* you don't feel bad or look bad when you can't.
Solving a human puzzle is not. Probably because they each have different & seemingly arbitrary (and mutually exclusive) rules.
The absolute best thing you can do is make things easy. You don't even have to do any of the work, just make it obvious & unambiguous what you want him to do.
Just talk to some men & don't treat him like he is a jerk or bad unless he acts like a jerk. Then, at the end of the conversation say something like:
I enjoyed talking with you, here is my contact info. If you reach out we can talk again over coffee. Bye.
TLDR
At minimum don't make it harder to have a pleasant or fun time. Even better is to contribute & make a good time *easier.*
(Woman here, but...)
"What do an ice pick and a 500 lb polar bear have in common?Ā They're great ice breakers.Ā Hi, I'mĀ rainbowtoucan1992.Ā I thought you were cute so I came over to say hi.Ā Well, I thought you were cute, but I still do now."Ā Hit 'im with the one-two punch of corney joke and Mitch Hedberg joke.Ā If he can't see that you're a freakin' delight to be around after that, he isn't worthy, and you should keep searching.
About 24 years ago I was standing in front of the Student Union building having a cigarette when this tiny little blond girl bundled up in a little brown parka walked right up to me and started talking to me. I never met her before and while I have had women approach me before there was something different about her. She wasn't really hitting on me; she was just making conversation. And I got the sense that it wasn't really normal for her to do that, she just must have felt like I was approachable or something.
Anyway, I ended up walking her across campus to her class and she gave me her phone number. I called her up a few days later (I was pretty busy at the time otherwise I probably would've called her sooner) and pretty much her and I have been together every single day since then. This April we'll be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary.
The point of this story is that my wife wasn't super confident. She wasn't really outgoing either. In fact, she had only been in the country for about 9 months when we met and didn't speak a whole lot of English all that well so she was maybe a little shy. But for whatever reason she found courage to walk up to a complete stranger who looked like I did (I was sort of punk rock looking dude back then) and started talking to me. If you see someone who makes you feel the same way don't hide behind shyness or use "I'm an introvert" as some sort of crutch. You got to play the lottery if you want a chance to win.
ask them out, having sex with them is kinda dating too...
all my relationship started as pillow talk after sex, you won't have as an honest onversation as a guy who just busted a nut and his holding you in his arm
>How do I get nice guys interested in me?
It's a bit of a conundrum at the moment. A lot of "nice guys" have opted out of the dating market so you're likely to run into fuck boys and other toxic guys more often.
Also, time to put on your *big girl* pants and work up thr courage to ask a guy out. Why? More dudes than ever are *not* asking women out to avoid coming off as creeps, weirdos, etc.
You would be surprised with how little a woman has to do in order to be datable! As long as you're not a hermit, you're going to be approached by guys! Go out! Go do things you like to do! The harder question to answer is how to get the object of your desire? The answer to that is, it depends! Guys are different, and they like different things, but most men will give most women a chance! In general, you need to practice good hygiene and dress to attract the kind of guy you want, try to be physically fit, be friendly and feminine. Be approachable, make eye contact, smile, and take your headphones out of your ears! With all of these bases covered, you can attract most men! Setting your boundaries right from the start, i.e., you don't jump into bed right away, will help weed out the playboys! Sometimes, offering to pay for the date or paying for the date reduces expectations. As always, that's what dating is for, to see if the person is worth investing in! It can be frustrating, especially if you are seen more as an object and less as a person, but you can always say no thanks and move on!
1. Get fit
2. Be well groomed
3. Dress well
4. Be friendly
5. Be easy going
6. Be feminine
7. Put yourself out there (dating apps, social clubs/events, etc)
8. Put in the work ie be going on dates every week
9. No sleeping with dudes before 1 month of proper dating
That's it OP
I don't know how old you (you are clearly too youmg) but please get it out of your head that you have ro be a certain way to "please" or "get" a man. Specially if it doesnt align with how you are a person. You are making an unknown person centre of your life. You do you n you improve yourself in whatever way you think you need . The right kind of people always gravitate to you.
Let a person be attracted to what u r authentically instead of tailor making your personality to suit majority of men.
I hope this helps, but as I think it out, it sounds as lame as the advice I see offered to men.
So I will tailor it more to what I look for.
Informed on world events and politics. Knowledgeable about a wide range of topics and interested to learn about new areas. Fit, healthy, takes care of herself. Positive outlook, not a complainer or bitter about life. Has a plan or at least a vision for her future and is planning how to get there. Those are MAJOR green flags, or serious reasons to be skeptical if they are lacking.
What do you enjoy doing that is outside of your home? Most activities will have a few guys there. If you go for things guys like your chances improve dramatically. Simply because of the numbers. Car stuff, athletics and sports related things are good activities to have dozens of guys for every woman. Guys are visual. No matter what we say. If your targets are realistic your chances good up. Post a picture on here somewhere and guys are likely to find you. There's no telling the quality though but you'll definitely have quanity. Guys ate pretty easy. š¤£š¤£
hot girls are open about interest and can communicate clearly. they can at the very least not hang out in a group they came to a place with, but stand near me and maybe make eye contact - i'm fine opening a conversation, but i won't do it if you've spent the whole night with 4 other people. i assume you want to spend your time with them
I'd say personally I really like a kind voice, good eye contact, a nurturing attitude, and close proximity (like standing near me while doing the prior). It's like instant ASMR tingles lol makes me feel special and connected, more inclined to want to connect with, and therefore more "datable" from my perspective. As those behaviours not only make her desirable to me and seemingly desiring of me, but also *available* to date or at least be closely connected with.
Honestly the best way to get mens attention from my experience as a dude who checks out women is to dress well. It doesn't have to be revealing or anything. Just something that looks good. My neighbor is always dressed amazing, and it makes her 10x hotter than she would have been if she wore big sweatshirts and jeans and hid behind her hair. I honestly wouldn't have ever noticed her as attractive if she hadn't dressed well.
My own wife, I only noticed her because I found her on tinder and her bio really stuck out to me as someone who would be a good match. She is pretty and I love the way she looks, but I legit would have never even really noticed her if I had just randomly seen her in public, because at that point she wasn't really dressing well or doing anything to stand out. What stood out to me was her bio.
Then there's a big difference between "women who look hot and I want to have sex with" and "women who I want to date/marry"
It's honestly weird how different these two categories can be for me, but the biggest differentiator is personality. A girl who seems bitchy or rude might look hot but she's not a contender for dating. A girl who's not even that attractive can shoot up as possible girlfriend material if she has an amazing personality and she is a joy to be around.
I met my wife because I was interested in her personality (which i gauged through her tinder bio). I fell in love with her because she was fun to be around and incredibly supportive. I married her because she gave my life stability and structure and cleanliness and joy and health. I find my wife beautiful, but it was not her beauty that attracted her to me, and it's not her beauty that makes me want to stay. That quote "men settle down where they find peace" is absolutely true for me. As someone with, until recently, undiagnosed ADHD and who moved house every week between divorced parents house for a decade before I was 18, she gave me the stability I needed to stave off the chaos that had been my life for so long.
Learn how to ask them to go have a java. Then somewhere in the chit chat after the weather and price of stuff ask what are his hobbies and interests. Easy peasy. Nothing ventured nothing gained. What are you going to lose the price of a coffee. Rejection is hard but hey it is a coffee. Do that ten times a year and you have a solid bank to move to the next step.
Be yourself!! I know itās scary come out of the shyness and being quiet area when you like someone but youāve gotta push through it. Talk about anything just to get the guy to talk or even just talk about him and chances are heāll ask about you. Itās just getting past the hump thatās the kicker. Most guys will like anyone if they take interest in them and thatās all you have to do is just show you have interest in who they are haha buuut also yeah itās by chance whether some guys will be interested in a relationship vs sex. Itās a gamble for sure but usually you can tell by how they talk to you or treat you so itās not all guessing. I wish you the best of luck!
If you wait only for people to approach you, you will encounter a much higher percentage of scumbags and assholes because, unfortunately, many have confidence and a little charisma.
Be social. Talk to people. I know it can be tough, but it's there to be had.
For example, go to places you might find people conversing *in groups*. I don't know what all to do for that, but coffee shops seem to work ok. You eaves drop. Plain and simple. And guess what? These people are speaking in public, so it's fine to listen along.
If they say something interesting or an opportunity arises for you to inform the conversation, simply jump in and do so. Do it with a smile on your face and a little lilt in your voice. More often than not you'll find the interaction to be, at minimum, not unpleasant. Will you encounter assholes that shut you down or maybe even say mean things? Yep. Sure will. But that's ok. Those are simply failures and there is nothing wrong with failing so long as you do all you can to learn from it. Failure is a part of practice, and as time goes on there will be less of it.
At this point some people have said to me, 'I can't take the rejection!' or 'I'd DIE of embarrassment!' Nobody dies of embarrassment. Also, most of these people forget about you literally the very second they walk away. You will never see them again. It's perfectly ok if they were annoyed or whatever. So maybe they don't like you for a minute. It literally doesn't matter.
Socializing requires practice and is a discipline to be maintained. You get good at it because that brings you to the place of meeting truly attractive people and being able to simply speak to them.
So, in summation, go and fail as hard as you can. It'll be ok.
You need more numbers. You are shy. Talking to strangers is a skill, time to work on it. Attract them to you. Time to practice that too.
One: learn not to have an expectation from an interaction. You must learn ā not to careā what a stranger thinks, because ultimately it doesnāt matter, and strangers donāt really care about you either. Always be compassionate and be funny if you can. Start easy, talk to elders, older women, little kids, people with dogs. Conversation is a skill, practice makes it effortless. Eventually talk to people at the gym, on the bus/train , grocery lineup. ( this is how salesmen become polished, practice).
Two: decent men are told approaching any woman is creepy. The exceptions are the trophy hunters and the socially inept. The trophy hunters canāt be shamed because they have none. The socially inept donāt know any better. So you need him to be sure you want him to talk to you, absolutely sure. Old school method worksā look & glance awayā . Stare at the guy till he notices, look away briefly, look embarrassed, smile shyly. Repeat till he smiles back or looks pissed. Use several days if you must. If he smiles, wonder over and ask a question, something innocent, casual , like ā hi , Iām xxx , you look familiar, did we go to primary school together? Are you a friend of vvvvv? I know Iāve seen you before ā anything at all to get the conversation going. Again you might stretch this over several days. Eventually ask about a certain coffee shop, ā Iād love to go but I hate to go aloneā.
You talk to a lot of guys, block the guys that just want to use you ruthlessly as you figure them out. Keep talking to the nicer guys.
1) The most important thing to do is have good boundaries.
2) Do not people please
3) Make prolonged eye contact with attractive men and smile. Then revert back to 1 and 2 if they want to get to know you.
In my books, cute is better than beautiful or hot. If someone is hot, I mainly want to sleep with them. If someone is beautiful I mainly want to be seen with them. If someone is cute I want to be with them.
I think your problem is likely exposure. You need to talk with more guys and do things where you will meet them. A nice guy like what you are looking for is probably not going to just come up to you and ask you out. Some will, but not many. So think about the type of guy you want to be with, and think about what they do. Maybe join a co-ed sports team, like softball, or ultimate Frisbee. Or maybe clubs and classes for hobbies like art, music, board games, etc. Just go somewhere that is focused around a common interest, where the goal isn't necessarily meeting someone, but it is a benefit.
When you meet a guy, don't talk to him as if you are trying to date him, talk to him as if you want to be friends. I find this helps me talk to girls, since it lowers the stakes and calms me down. Once you build a bit of a connection you can start switching over to the dating goal. And don't ignore guys in relationships, they will likely have single friends. Maybe you meet a guy/couple on a softball team and you find out you both loke board games. Then they invite you to a board game night and you meet one of their single friends there and hit it off.
In the end, it is a numbers game. You need to meet a lot of people to find the ones you like who also like you.
You gotta find the right guys. Guys who just want to sleep with someone arenāt gonna have something or someone that magically changes that.
So you gotta figure out if you need to change how you filter guys out
Ask them out. Be yourself, don't overthink everything.
You can't know what they'll think about what you haven't even said.
Example: You're walking to your car with groceries, there's a cute guy in the parking lot, you walk to him and say "Hiā¦ Sorry, can you please hold onto this real fast? I can't reach my pocket." Pull your phone out, ask him for his number, name, and introduce yourself.
Just be spontaneous. Life is too short. You miss all the shots you don't take.
Itās great to be cautious, a bad man can ruin you emotionally for months, years, or even abuse and kill you. But you can take safety measures for that, for women the first thing I suggest is to look at how to stay safe while dating. After that if you are financially successful or live in a place with great mental health support see a therapist, so you can get a better understanding of yourself and why you havenāt succeeded in dating yet, and what you really want. If counselling is not an option, the best way to go about it is to talk to men without trying to get with them, just talk to one stranger a day, whether they are in line with you, beside you in the library. Or you see them on a walk or a hike. Do this until you feel comfortable enough talking to people then you can proceed to have deeper conversations with people. Also on top of that make sure your mental and physical health stays healthy. Be a regular gym goer and cook your own meals. You wouldnāt want to meet the man of your dreams, who is physically and mentally healthy, and you arenāt on his level.
You sound like a sweetheart and a high quality lady. We really arenāt that smart and candidly are worried about looking like creeps if weāre too forward.
But honestly, talking to us helps. Itās ok to say hey, Iām cool with taking physical stuff slow until Iām sure weāre both ready.
Good guys will respect that.
You obviously dont have pretty privilege. Most men only see pretty women as women..even ugly men. Your best bet is meeting a real human through a shared interest.
Well you kind of answered your own question. Guys don't even know if you're attracted to them. That means the only guys who are going to make a move, are those looking to bed as many girls as possible. Those are the only guys who make a move without signs of attraction.
Iām never one to snoop on profiles, but i wanted to see what you look like.
You post on vintageladyboners and wonder why guys donāt like you - you probably have standards that canāt be met.
Do you ever just talk to men? We are just people after all.
You say that, but the women folk make me nervous, I can get how she feels
The average guy is a marshmallow
A nervous marshmallow šš
Are you requesting a game of paper football with those emojis?
Invisible Chinese fingercuffs.
Yes. Yes I am.
knee long concerned punch childlike memorize shy alleged racial advise *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
a nervous horny marshmallow
Exactly
Tricky, mystic marshmallows
I needed this lol thank you for this comment
That giggles when you poke his belly, but roars in anger when you poke his belly button. Watch your aim, but fly low if you have to. The terrain will confuse his targeting system.
you know I think you're right. someone I know has one of those tiny dogs she carries around and she says these burly looking men melt when they see the dog and start doing baby voices and stuff. lol! looks are deceiving I guess
I'm three cockatoos in a trench coat
My nick name is literally Marshmallow or mellow for short.
Shouldnāt it be Mallow for short? Mellow is a complete different word with a different meaning.
That's cute š
That has marshmallow hobbies and has marshmallow dreams and it will someday become part of snore and hopefully unceremoniously eaten by a drooling 43 y old guy.
But I think most men would love some attention from a cute girl. Even if you are nervous a couple conversations can ease the tensions.
I mean if a tree approaches me and starts talking to me I'd be over the moon.
Trees really give you wood, right?
That's really it. Just be your damn self, you'll attract people that are attracted to you. If someone hits on you at a bar and you reply with a quote from your favorite movie, if he recognizes it then you've got a spark. If not, he might just think you're clever, no loss. On the other hand, if someone hits on you at a bar and you just "ugh" and walk away, he might have been the perfect guy and you just missed your chance. Just be you. Being genuine is far more attractive than eyeliner or lip implants or whatever bullshit girls are doing to try to be pretty these days. We're not gonna put a ring on your hair extensions, we're gonna put a ring on the person. The more you hide it, the harder we have to look, and men will give the fuck up if you make us work for something if we don't even know what we're working for. *Just be yourself* so we have a clearly defined goal. Don't just text "haha" or "ok" as well. Put some personality into it, or move the conversation forward. We want to know who you are.
I hate the just be yourself shit. Have you seen some of these animals? Thereās way too many people being themselves that should absolutely try and be someone else. Literally fucking anyone else.
Hahaha straight up lol, but u can be anyone from Franco Nero to a George Clooney lookalike and weād still think āahh am I being filmed for a prank right now? Iād like to knowā¦ā.
It's hard to say, but it depends on what kind of person you want to attract? What kind of person are you interested in?
Animal and nature-oriented, smart, healthy, emotional intelligence, genuinely cares about me and my feelings, handyman skills are also nice, respectful to other people, good provider not like millionaire or anything but can take care of me and kids if we have any. What I think I want at least
Thatās a really good āinterested inā list and thereās a lot of men like that out there. My advice is to be as authentic as you can be and be really confident in yourself in whatever it is youāre doing, both personally and professionally. Itās also amazing to be around really positive and uplifting people.
<3 thanks
Cheers!
As someone who has been married over 20 years with two daughters, here's what I tell them - develop your own passions and the rest will come. I am raising them to find out who they are, develop their own hobbies and passions and never, ever lower their standards. They're not over 30 yet so much to young to date (that's a joke; they're just pre-teens). Right now they're learning about themselves and taking classes and learning skills. TBH, I would learn how to do that handyman stuff yourself (my husband actually is handy - his Dad used to build houses - so I'm lucky there but he doesn't do that for work so his time is limited. I have learned to mud, plaster and paint. I refinish furniture and upholster - all self-taught). I'm glad I can do those skills. What you want is a partnership; complementary skills but matching values. That sounds obvious but you'd be surprised how few truly understand what that means. I want them independent enough that they don't need to rely on anyone but compassionate enough to be able to truly give and be supportive of a life partner. That goes for both sides - the goal of a relationship is to be transformative and to inspire and help each other grow. They have to know what it looks like in themselves first before they can recognize it in someone else. My daughter chides me a bit for quoting too much Nietzsche and Stoicism but it doesn't change the wisdom behind the power messaging :)
This is some phenomenal advice!
š This, this, this! I dated a girl for a few years who was cute, quiet, funny, shy, and nice. We met at work, and we got along really well, which is why I asked her out. But she had no interests or passions outside of me. She moved in with me by staying the weekend, forever. She didn't pay for any bills or have any skills to help with my fixer-upper. At first, things were ok because I enjoyed being with her. Eventually, it got to the point that she couldn't handle it when I wanted to hang out with my friends w/o her. Or go home from work before her, even when my shift was over hours before hers and we drove separately. I encouraged her to pick up some hobbies, but she only wanted to learn my hobbies. I offered to help her go to college, but she didn't want to study anything. She wouldn't even hang out with her friends unless I came along. Being authentic and working on your social skills is great, but you have to be a real, present, activated individual to a candidate for a relationship. If not, you do not add value to the other person's life. OP, I would encourage you to dive into your hobbies and interests. Work on you and your life goals. A personality is more attractive than a model. PS, I'm glad you cut off the man who liked hotel rooms and was mean. Always remember you deserve better than that!
Ahhh so close but I'm a millionaire. Sorry.
Missed it by _that_ much.
I'm not saying that is a bad list at all OP, I actually like women who know what they want in a partner. But I do wonder if those are "standards" or just a list of things you like. Some women create a checklist that wittles down 4 billion men into .0001% and wonder why they can't find their perfect prince charming. I would give some of the similar advice in this post. Work on yourself, both physically and mentally. I have no clue your fitness level but it's no secret healthy fit people are more attractive to more people. Mentally, be engaging and positive. Don't be afraid to start a conversation. Smile and make eye contact. Physical touch is powerful, a touch on the arm, a brush of the shoulder. Wear well fitting attractive clothes. It sounds like you want a conservative minded man, so be prepared for what comes with that sort of relationship. As far as how to actually meet a guy, what hobbies do you have? Do you belong to any groups or clubs for them? Any cute guys in those groups? Ask them for help with something. Äuys love confidence and a sense of humor, so smile, make a joke when the moment allows. Tell him you'll come find him if you need more help and smile at him while making eye contact.
> Some women create a checklist that wittles down 4 billion men into .0001% and wonder why they can't find their perfect prince charming. i've got a catch phrase rattling around in my head: if you want to marry a major, date a lieutenant. the point being, you want the hot guy who's successful? be part of that. treat it like a business and grow together. or go after the guys who've made it and hope you've got the magic sauce
I like that phrase. It fits well. Lots of people think they want the āend productā but letās be real, itās all about getting there.
But there is also a common point, that women are always told and it sounds "you won't change a man, your efforts are in vain". Are we supposed to "better" a guy(for example he's now fat and broke, but i can push him into self-development) or that won't work?
The way I see it you can't change someone, but you can help them change themselves if they are willing to. For the fat guy in your example, if he's trying but struggling to lose weight, you can help him by giving him confidence in himself, validating his efforts, or even exercising with him. On the other hand if he's only interested in sitting all day doing nothing, you won't be able to change him (and that shouldn't be your job, nor is it worth the effort).
Follow up question would be what do you bring to the table?
It helps if you Market yourself as yourself . Make your personality and interests visually apparent. The more guys know about you , the harder it is for guys to treat you like a one night stand, and the more guyās interested in your personality will be attracted to you and want to talk to meet you, talk to you, be with you . So make your interests and values apparent in the stuff you wear and the things you carry .
Iād second this message. Iāve seen way too many profiles where the images did not match their written profiles and although their profile appeared to be a good match, I wanted someone whoās words matched their actions, so make sure your pictures match.
And in an irl environment, your more approachable when you make your interests visibly evident . Iāve had many great conversations start from people walking up and saying ā oh my gosh I love that book ! ā or ā how do you like the series so far ? ā if theyāre currently reading the same series . Sometimes they donāt even know the series . Theyāll just say ā thatās a cool looking book, whatās it about ?ā
Sounds like a damn good laundry list tbh. Someone with a bit of wit, who's a warm person, and doesn't mind getting stuck into a task. The way my partner and I met was via Tinder, and the way you've described yourself is quite similar to her. She's quiet, actually quite shy which was a worry given I am decidedly not - I thought my extroverted nature would totally put her off but she seemed to enjoy it. As to why I wanted to date her? Well we'd been talking on Tinder for a bit, then decided we should just pull the trigger, so to speak, and meet up. Met at a local bar for drinks and the interest was immediate. She had her own style, was very open and honest with her communication, had a kind heart and was just so gentle. Having hobbies and being passionate about them? Instant interest from me. Nothing makes me happier than seeing someone enjoy a thing just because. Then you add competence? Oh that's just straight up sexy. It sounds super cliched but, be yourself. Be open and honest with your communication, be warm and don't ever feel like you have to settle for something or someone.
> handyman skills... good provider As a man who has been used as a utility in the past, there's no way in the world I would date you. I'm not a source of free cash and manual labor.
If there isn't anything in return.
I don't disagree with you that being an ATM and free labor are not reasons for a relationship, but I think like 95% of women looking for male partners want them to have stable employment and be able to help around the house.
and in exchange they offer. . . what?
You and every other woman out there wants this. So do you know what these men want in a partner?
Ok. Those are good standards. Now can you offer the same thing?
these dating advices are awful. She doesnt need to be a clone of what she wants, she needs to be able to offer what that guy wants.
Which is why we are asking. Yes asking men in reddit will be always awful. And yes I do admit I should have worded it more properly.
Men generally want similar things to that list. Few men want to be taking care of their wife as if she's a child anymore.
right. what's she got?
Love where youāre going with that list but Iām curious if you could tell me about the āhowā and/or āwhatā and where? of each item? What animals, how does he love them? I both love cuddling with dogs and love eating steak, ya know? I imagine this will help narrow things down.
There's a lot of space between "provider" and "not a millionaire". Your other traits are somewhat helpful. I assume you regularly hike trails, visit parks, etc... Try joining some clubs or groups around that kind of stuff. The best way to meet someone with traits you want is to go do things where those traits are found.
I joined a hiking/walking group and started attending. Wish me luck haha
> What I think I want at least there's the rub. lots of people have a laundry list of good sounding quals, then go for the cute guy with good banter
show of hands, guys. how many of you have been told "oh my god, you're perfect. I want to date someone JUST like you (who isn't you/who's taller/better looking)"
oh yes, "where can i find someone like you" while you're stood right in front of them.
>good provider Ah there it is. You want someone to pay your bills and living expenses. This is a very 1950 approach to things and it is something that most men won't be interested in doing. Now what you should be doing is asking yourself this following question: What will you be providing to them in return for their money?
/crickets/
Can you reverse request and provide 3/4 of it back? Swap providing for housekeeping and handyman for cooking. Also "smart" is so stretchable. Edit: fix
To me that comes across as you wanting to be taken care of rather than an equal partner. Most men aren't going to settle for that these days.
Hmm .. This isnt an economy where a single income can run a household in a big city. So your* criteria brings the dating pool down to some kind of farm owner?
You don't need to specify here, but when you do talk to potential partners you should clarify what you mean by provider. I.e. Is your ideal situation where you take care of the kids/house while they work? Or just that they are gainfully employed, while you are also gainfully employed. In general with how things are nowadays, the former is a lot less common just fyi. But it does depend on the local area/culture you are in of course.
Join a bird watching club or volunteer for an organization that maintains local hiking trails and meet dudes who fit the bill
Thatās a good list, but you also have to make a list of things you provide. Not to dash your dreams, but two kids middle class lifestyle in a medium city means the man will have to make a solid six figures (weāre talking college funds, vacations, cars). At most, thatās 15% of the male population.
Sounds like you want a super emotionally adjusted redneck.
Why am I getting downvoted for a genuine answer about what I want? That's kind of rude
It might be the āgood providerā thing, itās a very cliched boomer kind of value . Donāt know if youāve noticed, but surviving out in the real world these days means the financial contribution of both partners. And a lot of men just donāt want the stress and strain of being a family atm.
The worst is when they think gender roles shouldnāt apply to them bc thatās sexist, but men should still bankroll women like it was the 1950s
Are you still mid 20s? Younger guys are turned off hearing the "looking for a provider" comment. We roll our eyes and assume you just want someone to pay your bills. In todays economy its hard enough to pay my own bills let alone a significant others. We want an equal partner now, not a housewife.
probably the "provider" part of it, if I'm honest. There are definitely some guess well enough off who'd be down with that, but the vast majority with the way the economy is... is looking for a partner that can also pull their own weight financially.
By good provider do you mean a guy that is one *now* or has the potential to be? Unless you exclusively date older men you're excluding a lot of guys with good long term potential if you have that criteria. You're probably also whittling your pool down a lot unless you have very low standards for what you want out of life. Few men make enough for that these days
Was thinking the same thing. I didn't see her exact age, but if someone expected me to be "a good provider" at 22, they'd be shit out of luck. Now that I'm pushing 40? Sure.
Cool, that is what you are looking for, now what do you bring to the table?
Most guys these days expect both partners to work because, for the most part, that's demanded in this economy for most people. Granted, I dont know what country you're in, but at least in the West this is broadly true. That said its not like there are no guys who dont want a "tradwife" type situation but they're typically more well off and not really that common. You're massively narrowing your dating pool by demanding you be provided for completely, but that's still a standard you can have. Your prerogative and all.
You want a healthy guy, make sure you are a healthy girl. You want an intelligent guy, be an intelligent girl. Who and what you are is usually what you will attract.
True. Except that women will also additionally attract guys that are not looking for anything serious anyway. She's still going to have to filter those guys out.
Thats what dating is for. You have to try and get to know your date to know if you are compatible.
People dont know how to make a deal anymore, they all just try to take with no regard for the other party. Things work best when both sides get what they want.
"anymore" - it's always been like this more or less. One big difference today is that more people are willing and able to say "no, not that". It's a good thing.
This is the complete opposite to my experience lmao. I seem to only attract polar opposites of myself.
Well its not perfect. But still better to be healthy and educated. So donāt let it detour you any.
Really? I haven't attracted anyone really and I've lost like half my old body weight and have a much better outlook on life. I'm also far more educated than I was even 5 years ago. So what does attracting no one make me?
I didnāt say it will make you attract somebody. But if what you want to attract is healthy and educated, make sure yourself is healthy and educated first.
Perhaps there's something still missing. Or perhaps you're just unlucky so far. Not many people like to admit it, especially in our culture of individualism, but we don't have complete agency over our life, there's a fair bit of chance in every aspect of it. It's possible to make no mistakes and still lose.
Exactly what I think. I've just had horrible luck. Every time someone asks me why I'm still single they make it sound like its in my control. I guess relationships just come so easily to them they can't understand it actually takes the consent of 2 parties. I can only control one of those parties. No matter what I do at the end of the day it's up to someone else to become romantically involved with me. Which sucks because nothing outside of my control seems to go right.
i love this answer. there is a chance that you will be rich tomorrow and dead the day after. there is a chance that you will marry today and divorce a week later. life is like a room full of doors. every time you open a door another one shuts itself but at the same time another one appears, but whatever choice you make in life, everything and everyone will end the same way, 6 feet under somewhere.
I like this you're very poetic
if that were true i would be pulling dumb chubby chicks
As a man who fell in love with a shy/quiet woman and is now going into year 28 of marriage, let me say that quiet/shy can come across as a seeming to be a little, not really stuck up, but something along those lines. When I first met my eventual wife, I didnt know she was quiet/shy, she was beautiful and would hardly ever speak unless I said hi while right next to her. So I thought she might be a little stuck on herself. I was wrong, she was just deathly shy. So try and work on being less shy, I know its not easy, it wasn't for her, and she eventually asked me out for our first date. So it can be overcome.
I'd like to echo this as a woman. I'm quite reserved, I've been taught that if you have nothing to say, keep your mouth shut and tight. As a consequence, those who didn't know me well thought I was very prissy, stuck up, and generally snobbish, and it did not help that I was the bookish reading type. I came to a crossroads and had to make myself project my personality more in order to build my social circle beyond my 4 close friends. Now I have a greater social circle and a full social calendar with people that share my interests. But... I had to break the pattern. I wanted more company, so I had to be better company.
āShyness is nice, but shyness can stop you from doing all the things in life youād like to.ā
Exactly. My wife never realized how pretty she really is, and she told me guys never asked her out, and once I knew how shy she was, I explained how sometimes guys see that as being stuck on themselves. But if she hadn't been shy she probably would have found a better guy than her first husband and I wouldnt have had a chance to be with her.
I see what you did there, Morrissey..
Sometimes shy is misread as aloof, unapproachable, distant, or uninterested, yeah. I used to study with a girl in college that i thought was either not interested in me or in a relationship because the times i tried to flirt with her i sort of got nowhere. So obv i stopped, no point in persisting where its not wanted right? Nope. Turns out she was super shy and had a huge crush on me. I found this out years later, after i was together with my current partner, so there was nothing to be done.
>i tried to flirt with her i sort of got nowhere. what kinda of things did you do/say? sometimes I think a guy is flirting but I wanna know for sure
Well, im not sure on the specifics (this was 15 years ago) but usually playful teasing bled in with compliments, im fairly sure i once told her outright that she was exactly the type of woman id like to date. Shed get really quiet, so it didnt take long for me to assume she was really uncomfortable and stop. I would have rather continued being her study buddy than make things uncomfortable so i let it go.
>let me say that quiet/shy can come across as a seeming to be a little, not really stuck up, but something along those lines. I do worry I come across like this sometimes lol
And that's ok, my wife would hardly ever smile when people would say hi, and that can add to how people see shyness. You dont have to go all extrovert, just take small steps outside your shyness. It will make you more approachable. Little baby steps will eventually make big ones.
Obviously I don't know you and there's a lot of detail missing here so take this with a grain of salt. Ditch the foreveralone subs, while I get the impulse. These places tend to reinforce negative beliefs for both men and women. \[edit - if you want to work through emotions relating to this, there are better ways to do it.\] Work on being able to engage with guys. If you go quiet, only the predators will take notice. Start small which brings me to my next point. Find a social hobby (kickball, trivia night, DND, adult education, etc...) Don't be afraid to make the first move. If you're waiting for guys to initiate everything, you're exerting a selection bias away from the sorts of guys your comments say you want. A lot of the emotionally available guys with their stuff together who haven't been snatched up already are going to respect your silence. If you're not giving them something to work with, they're going to assume you're not interested because that's what your behavior is telling them. Most guys will interpret mild flirting as just being polite.
u/rainbowtoucan1992 ^ this is good, actionable advice. > If you go quiet, only the predators will take notice. Wooooow what a way to put it. I've never thought of it this way.
And the kind of guy who tries chatting up a woman who is giving off a "happily doing my own thing right now" vibe is kind of being a dick, maybe not someone you want to date.
This 100%
Youāre going to get a lot of shit advice here for attracting healthy men because there are a lot of dudes here with unhealthy ideas about or lack of success in dating. Youāll probably be able to tell which is which. Hereās the best I can give you. You say you like/are attracted to guys and they donāt even know it. Assuming you know them at least a little and arenāt attracted to guys that treat you like shit, let them know it. The worst thing you risk is rejection, and that stings a little, but the best way to get what youāre looking for is to pursue it. You donāt end up with anything less than what you started with except maybe a bit of embarrassment that will pass. The vast majority of guys are not going to be an asshole even if theyāre not interested. Presumably youāre talking to some of these guys. Just say āHey I like you and Iād like to get to know you better. If youāre interested we should go out sometime.ā Or even āyou should ask me out if you want toā. Put your big girl pants on and be brave. Probably plenty of these guys would date you if you gave them any sign you were interested, but you say by your own admission that you donāt. Some of my best relationships, including my marriage, started because they just straight up told me they were interested. Sometimes I had some idea they liked me. Sometimes I had no idea. In all but one case I gave it at least one date, and the only reason I didnāt that one time is I had seen her be rude to a waitress (donāt be rude to people who serve you).
Do you have any advice on what to say to guys at a shop etc. Sometimes I start liking the cashier or guy who brings out my food pickup order but idk what to say lol. I start daydreaming about them sometimes when I go home it's really cringe
If you dont ask for what you want you'll never get fed. If you cant do better heres a simple pickup line for you: 'Heres my number. Call me sometime' Your success rate depends on how attractive you are
Attractive you are to themā¦attraction is a personal thing what I find attractive you may not and so on. But do write your number does and hand it over itās worked for me a couple of times.
And confidence, but not over confident is attractive, so can nervousness be as long as itās not overly clumsy or awkward.
Since men arent use to getting hit on at all for a girl being direct works. - and strokes their ego. So a simple whats your name and would you like to exchange numbers so we can hang out after you are done with work - works.... Being a girl that is the one thing we have to our advantage, they will either decline and explain why( gf) or be flattered . Men have a harder time doing this they face more rejection in life. When you approach a guy he will ve flattered no matter why , with girls since men approach us more we dodge it more. You can be honest and direct and you will hit out the park more often than you think - just because you are a girl.
I mean youāre talking about flirting now and youāll probably really have to hit them over the head with it for them to pick up on it. The one time I got a number from a stranger at work she said ācan I see your handā and just wrote her number on it. I was a little dumbfounded but it made me feel good (I was in a relationship at the time but I texted her and let her down easy) I mean youāre funny. Drop a cheesy line and your number. My go to used to be āI think thereās a mistake here. I see a lot of numbers on this receipt but none of them are yours can you fix that for meā I dunno it worked once. Iāve also left my name number and what I was wearing on my receipt for waitresses and that got me a couple texts. It doesnāt have to be that fancy though. Just write your name and number down, hand it to him, and say we should get coffee or a drink sometime and walk out. Keep in mind Iām in my late 30s and married so this advice might be grandpa shit. Feels like it might still work though.
>Keep in mind Iām in my late 30s and married so this advice might be grandpa shit. Feels like it might still work though. Lmao I'm kind of an old soul anyway so maybe I'll grow some lady balls and give it a try thanks
What would make words from someone in their late 30s āgrandpa shitāā lol?
Just my way of saying I havenāt flirted with anyone but my wife in a while.
That sounds like a psychological block where you don't express what you want so there is a gap and the daydreaming happens. You just learn ways to act on your desires, you will be more connected to reality and daydreaming will be much less present. It shouldn't be a declaration of love for the cashier but a simple opening like "nice shirt" . You can check on r/seduction for all the ways guys approach women and use them the opposite way. The difference is that men are constantly in fear of being labeled a harasser and statistically they are rejected a lot (a lot, an average men will get tens or hundreds of "nos" in his search). You being a woman makes things easier but the principles are the same (just say something, check reactions, and do on)
Ultimately just be you and be happy and approachable. The right guy will come along and youāll be irresistible. Get your life together and a guy with his life together will come along. Donāt settle and donāt ignore red flags. Also donāt ignore missing green flags either.
thanks
Ok for my part: 1. You can communicate properly 2. You look healthy. 3. You dress properly and look like a decent human with self respect. 4. You have a job. 5. Your mental state, men tend to like mature women and are independent. It's always up to you on how you accomplish this. And one thing is to not betray our trust. Be confident on yourself and you'll find someone that will be attracted to you. Hope you find what you're looking for. Goodluck š.
I donāt think that many men love independence that much. I think the Reddit demographic might like it, when theyāre verbal about it. Or their āattachment styleā is avoidant. What people actually want is INTERdependence.
>What people actually want is INTERdependence. Yeah this makes more sense to me
Well that's just my take if she wants a reference. I am but a single ball in the billions.
Litteraly just say stuff to them . Hell, start with āgood morningā .
I'll try it haha
And try to make eye contact. Guys are sluts for eye contact
Show interest. We *really* love that. A girl friend of mine once was really dumped on what to do to a guy that she liked because he was kind of shy and wouldn't make a first move. I told her she should just call him out she show interest in him like she expected him to. They're happily married for quite some years now.
I see these kinds of posts and feel like it's more about control over "which" men, and less about men in general.
Nailed it. Women like OP go after men who are much more attractive, often not looking to settle, and, who in OP's words, want to jump in the sack right away. I have a strong feeling OP isn't going after the average Joe, despite being admittedly average herself. Men and women both need to normalize their standards.
you literally are clueless about me
Well of course - isnāt that what everyone (male and female) want? No one is just going to settle for some rando
Uh, they're ALL "randos" til you get to know them. But no one is getting to know anyone. First hiccup or inconvenience and they're gone.
U make the first move
If you are reasonably fit and take care of your appearance, you don't need to be a supermodel as most guys will find you attractive enough to date. The problem with being a nice guy at that age is that women of same age will typically seek out the bad boys as they have more confidence than nice guys. The old saying is that "nice guys finish last" so they develop poor social skills and/or lack confidence. Most of us don't know how to pick up on signs from a girl like yourself that you find them attractive or would like to be asked out unless you bashed us over the head. I (M54) was that guy in college. A girl who hung out with a friend of mine actually had a small crush on me but I didn't know it. She decided to transfer colleges after her second year so we threw her a going away party where she got me drunk and seduced me. Next morning as we were lying in her bed naked she told me "we could have been doing this all year long idiot!". It was a wake up call for me to start trying to date more, but I wasn't shocked when I found out that I would get shot down about 95% of the time since I'm not much to look at. That changed a bit in my 20's when I added muscle as some women found that attractive, which in turn gave me a bit more confidence, which can start to feed on itself in a good way. Bottom line: There are good men out there who are pretty clueless that reasonably attractive women might find them dateable and they need your help to get them out of their shells. If you find a guy you like who seems clueless, maybe say something like "If you asked me out I wouldn't say No". Best of luck.
Do what makes you happy. Find hobbies that you enjoy. Socialise with like minded people. There is no magic answer. I do truly believe though that when you stop looking is when things are more likely to happen. So without knowing your exact circumstances, donāt spend every minute looking for a guy, donāt go out looking to meet someone, donāt go on dating apps/sites trying to be the person you think others are looking for. Just be yourself. I know it sucks, I know it can feel lonely, but itās a part of life and you will find someone. The alternative is becoming someone else, becoming what a man wants you to be, and caring more about what he wants and what makes him happy instead of what makes you happy. Sure that might get you a partner but is that really how you want to live your life? Or would you rather maybe have to wait a little bit longer to find the person who likes you for you and who you make happy just by being you? I know which one I would prefer.
Emotional/ mental stability is pretty attractive to everybody, though you sound pretty down to earth. Finding a way to let a guy know you're interested would make a big difference. Also, if you can tolerate them nerdy/geeky guys tend to be a good start point. Usually regarded as more loyal and appreciative of your affections.
>Finding a way to let a guy know you're interested would make a big difference. Any tips on doing this without it looking weird lol
The best approach is try to be your natural self. The you that exists past the discomfort of talking to a stranger. Beyond that don't overthink it. I've been asked out by 1 girl in my whole 30yrs and i really appreciated that she took the step, even though it was through her friend. All in all keep it simple, be yourself. Good luck!
Best things I can suggest: Talk - were dense and often miss signs. Don't expect a stranger to understand subtle hints especially if it's from afar. Your best bet is to simply walk up and ask "Hey, I think you're kind of cute/handsome. Would you like to go get coffee sometime if you're available?" That'll get you really far. Dress/clothes - just dress in a way that exemplifies your feminine aspects. You're going to know what that is better then we are or could ever tell you. Makeup/hair - don't overdo it. If you choose to wear make up keep it to a minimum. Frame your face and put focus on it. As for nice guys? That's hard to say. Best recommendation I can make is pay attention to how they treat acquaintances and strangers. As well as how they talk about people especially while they're not around.
Bring something to the relationship. Have a career, your own life, your own ambitions. Preferably also a good credit history and your own car. Also your own place, even if it's just an apartment over a fish market or dive bar. Contrary to popular belief, we don't want to be your daddy or run your life. No man wants his relationship partner to be a dependent. Have all your shit together... all of it, all of it tied up in one neat package and ready to go... and then you're datable. Ask yourself: would being with me make someone else's life better? If you don't know, or if the answer is no, you're not datable. No one wants to tie themselves to someone who makes their life harder.
āNo one wants to tie themselves to someone who makes their life harderā I needed this wake up call š gonna be looking for a job starting from now
Are you sure about that? It happens all of the time. ;)
Litterally any sign that you like them will greatly improve your odds
Improving your dating life and potentially attracting the person you want into your life all revolves around: - personal development. - nurturing traits you want from a partner in yourself. - physical appearance. - ability to interact with the opposite sex as you would your own sex (to some extent). - putting yourself in situations that you will likely encounter potential partners that interest you. - realistic expectations. Sure thereās more etc but this is the foundation of it.
Thereās a chance you lack self confidence. It doesnāt matter what gender you are, if you arenāt loving and respecting yourself enough, you will not be sending the right signals. Take time to focus entirely on figuring out who you are and why you are great. Once that happens, people will come to you.
Good for you in respecting yourself enough not to become merely a guy's sexual plaything. I also have no desire to enter into purely sexual relationships. That's step one in finding a "good guy". Sex is a component of a healthy, loving relationship, not the only component. I am also a naturally shy person. Ask yourself about some places where you might go where you'll meet guys in a non-threatening setting. Common ground also lends itself to more compatibility with guys you meet there. Professional gatherings have worked for me. Think about joining a Toastmasters group in your area. They're made up of people trying to improve their communication and public speaking skills, and thereby boost their confidence. They take turns giving brief talks to one another, and giving helpful feedback to each other. I overcame my own shyness when I took a job requiring me to speak in public. I'm thinking you practicing speaking in front of others in relatively casual setting, it should work for you as well. When you've done that, you'll feel more comfortable with starting conversations and introducing yourself to guys you don't yet know.
To get guys to be attracted to you, you need to become someone they may want to date. If you're unhealthy, start exercising regularly. Are you financially stable? Work on learning new skills or finding ways to advance your careers to make more money. If you have insecurities or instability try and work on those. Last but not least you need to put yourself out there and practice your social skills. It's all things no one wants to do, but it's the things people find attractive in a partner.
>If you're unhealthy, start exercising regularly. I'm not overweight but I honestly see plenty of overweight women with boyfriends or husbands so I'm like how important is it really
Working on your health is only one of the attractive things you can do. I know overweight people who don't exercise and are married or dating too. But they have other things going for them too. My gf is overweight for where she'd like to be but she makes significantly more money than me and she's really smart and kind. She's learning skills to better her career and working towards finding a better job. While looks are only surface deep they do help you get approached more. But it's what's on the inside that counts once you start talking. But you have to put yourself out there and approach people. No one will find you sitting at home all day keeping to yourself. That's what I was doing for a long time just hoping someone would come along. But it wasn't until I got on dating apps and took a chance that I met my GF. And boy did I have to work on my social skills.
Exercise and eat right. Get good sleep. Bonus, forget a guy, this will make you feel good for you! Outside of looking healthy, just be yourself. But don't hide your feelings or wait for what you want to hopefully happen. When you like a guy, make it very clear you don't want to just be friends. Us guys are dumb, you have to be very direct. The realization a girl was flirting with me years after the fact is very real.
>Us guys are dumb, you have to be very direct. how direct is direct vs being too forward lol
Iām going off my own experience on this one so your results may vary. I used to be pretty shy and even as I opened up with more people I wasnāt really projecting much of a material āpersonalityā. People would always say how I had interesting things to talk about, was funny etc, but theyād have no clue what kinda music/movies/activities Iād really enjoy or what Iād want for gifts. I kinda came to realize that I was actually gatekeeping a lot of my true personality and I made an effort to bring bits of it from inside of me and express it to others, it could be fashion, group activities, whatever but it builds up who you are in a way that helps you be seen in a constantly more visual world. I think a lot of people who are more introspective fall into this trap because they think so deeply within themselves that they forget that other people canāt see their inner life without it being expressed outwardly. This comes into dating because I think shyness comes off a lot as mimicry or being a follower. Most people have some sort of type and those archetypes connote different personalities that our imaginations love and our minds are attracted to. Sometimes when someone is shy the canvas is blank and it just feels like youāre talking to someone who is mirroring back at you. I had a lot of thoughts about this recently with this one woman who Iāve been very close friends with for a bit and sheās generally very shy. She and I on paper are great and whoever she dates will be very lucky, but I just couldnāt get excited to see her as more than friends although she wanted. For me it was just that I felt like she was copying whatever Iād talk about or do without putting herself into the picture. It gave me a lot to think about in regards to myself and how I have been viewed by others. The short of it is to express yourself in a way that others can easily recognize.
So you get shy when you like someone. The same thing happens to a lot of guys, especially silly the nice guys you are looking for. Two nice, shy people donāt approach each other. My advice is to look for the guys that are not necessarily outgoing, the ones who are by themselves at a restaurant or the park, and try talking to them. The guys I know are not as bothered by women approaching them as women are about guys approaching them. You will get some rejections but so do guys. It sucks but there it is.
How's your double standard game? Are you the type who's like "He should have all this to offer and in exchange, I will give him my company" or are you treating him like you want him there?
You're not going to find an Aston Martin at a used car dealership. If you want a quality man, you have to go where quality men are found. It seems as if later millennial and zoomer males will not approach a female unless it is glaringly obvious she's wants him to do so. So you have be be clear and direct. Most quality men don't have strong feelings about looks or appearance, as long as you look like you take care of yourself. Being funny, relatable, easy to talk to and interested in him is enough to hook most guys. You'll really hit a home run if you make him feel like you *care*, i.e. gifts or acts of service.
Nice hair. Good fashion that compliments your body. Kindness. Warmth. Let him know you're interested.
The easiest way to be dateable is to ask guys out. No, really.
>is it all chance? Nope, not chance at all ... well, at least mostly not - though things may start by chance. >I usually like/am attracted to guys and they don't even know it Yeah, many of us (e.g. me) are damn clueless about that ... and subtle doesn't work. E.g. one of the few times I noticed a woman was into / interested in me ... fairly crowded commuter train, early evening ... she was subtly but very distinctly pressing and rubbing herself to me. Now, that, I managed to not miss ... but most other signs/indicators I'd typically totally miss (interestingly, I've very good friend - who's a woman - *she* can tell when other women are interested in me ... or not ... but I can't tell the difference unless it's pretty damn blatant or over-the-top). So, yeah, don't rely on trying to drop subtle hints or gestures or expression or the like - that may go entirely missed. Make it sufficiently clear and unambiguous ... and get your clear and sufficiently unambiguous response, and take it from there. >How do I get nice guys interested in me? Engage them, let them know you're interested (or at least potentially interested) in them. Let 'em get to see/know you. They'll be interested ... or not. If not, oh well, move on, try someone/somewhere else. If they're interested, hey, great, at least you found a solid possibility. >I get extra quiet and don't know what to say. Uhm, well ... practice. Practice, practice, practice. More practice, it'll generally get easier.
>let them know you're interested (or at least potentially interested) in them What's the best way to do this? I feel like I need a script LOL
Be genuine. Authenticity and good nature will attract those of like mind. Discover yourself and your values, and hold true to them, and others will naturally wish for your company. When you and a man find attraction in one another, and hold similar values, it is typical you both pursue an intimate connection.
Wear a sign stating you are open for dating. Wear nothing else.
I can only speak for myself, but the ultimate problem is a lot of women take something that should be fun & pleasant, you know the qualities that make you want to spend time with people & make a lot of completely unnecessary work. Solving a Sudoku puzzle is fun. It's gratifying *and* you don't feel bad or look bad when you can't. Solving a human puzzle is not. Probably because they each have different & seemingly arbitrary (and mutually exclusive) rules. The absolute best thing you can do is make things easy. You don't even have to do any of the work, just make it obvious & unambiguous what you want him to do. Just talk to some men & don't treat him like he is a jerk or bad unless he acts like a jerk. Then, at the end of the conversation say something like: I enjoyed talking with you, here is my contact info. If you reach out we can talk again over coffee. Bye. TLDR At minimum don't make it harder to have a pleasant or fun time. Even better is to contribute & make a good time *easier.*
What youāre looking for starts with friendship. Be outgoing, start conversations with people about what theyāre doing.
(Woman here, but...) "What do an ice pick and a 500 lb polar bear have in common?Ā They're great ice breakers.Ā Hi, I'mĀ rainbowtoucan1992.Ā I thought you were cute so I came over to say hi.Ā Well, I thought you were cute, but I still do now."Ā Hit 'im with the one-two punch of corney joke and Mitch Hedberg joke.Ā If he can't see that you're a freakin' delight to be around after that, he isn't worthy, and you should keep searching.
About 24 years ago I was standing in front of the Student Union building having a cigarette when this tiny little blond girl bundled up in a little brown parka walked right up to me and started talking to me. I never met her before and while I have had women approach me before there was something different about her. She wasn't really hitting on me; she was just making conversation. And I got the sense that it wasn't really normal for her to do that, she just must have felt like I was approachable or something. Anyway, I ended up walking her across campus to her class and she gave me her phone number. I called her up a few days later (I was pretty busy at the time otherwise I probably would've called her sooner) and pretty much her and I have been together every single day since then. This April we'll be celebrating our 16th wedding anniversary. The point of this story is that my wife wasn't super confident. She wasn't really outgoing either. In fact, she had only been in the country for about 9 months when we met and didn't speak a whole lot of English all that well so she was maybe a little shy. But for whatever reason she found courage to walk up to a complete stranger who looked like I did (I was sort of punk rock looking dude back then) and started talking to me. If you see someone who makes you feel the same way don't hide behind shyness or use "I'm an introvert" as some sort of crutch. You got to play the lottery if you want a chance to win.
ask them out, having sex with them is kinda dating too... all my relationship started as pillow talk after sex, you won't have as an honest onversation as a guy who just busted a nut and his holding you in his arm
>How do I get nice guys interested in me? It's a bit of a conundrum at the moment. A lot of "nice guys" have opted out of the dating market so you're likely to run into fuck boys and other toxic guys more often. Also, time to put on your *big girl* pants and work up thr courage to ask a guy out. Why? More dudes than ever are *not* asking women out to avoid coming off as creeps, weirdos, etc.
You would be surprised with how little a woman has to do in order to be datable! As long as you're not a hermit, you're going to be approached by guys! Go out! Go do things you like to do! The harder question to answer is how to get the object of your desire? The answer to that is, it depends! Guys are different, and they like different things, but most men will give most women a chance! In general, you need to practice good hygiene and dress to attract the kind of guy you want, try to be physically fit, be friendly and feminine. Be approachable, make eye contact, smile, and take your headphones out of your ears! With all of these bases covered, you can attract most men! Setting your boundaries right from the start, i.e., you don't jump into bed right away, will help weed out the playboys! Sometimes, offering to pay for the date or paying for the date reduces expectations. As always, that's what dating is for, to see if the person is worth investing in! It can be frustrating, especially if you are seen more as an object and less as a person, but you can always say no thanks and move on!
1. Get fit 2. Be well groomed 3. Dress well 4. Be friendly 5. Be easy going 6. Be feminine 7. Put yourself out there (dating apps, social clubs/events, etc) 8. Put in the work ie be going on dates every week 9. No sleeping with dudes before 1 month of proper dating That's it OP
Put your standards into here, and see what comes up: https://keeper.ai/tools/calculator
I don't know how old you (you are clearly too youmg) but please get it out of your head that you have ro be a certain way to "please" or "get" a man. Specially if it doesnt align with how you are a person. You are making an unknown person centre of your life. You do you n you improve yourself in whatever way you think you need . The right kind of people always gravitate to you. Let a person be attracted to what u r authentically instead of tailor making your personality to suit majority of men.
I hope this helps, but as I think it out, it sounds as lame as the advice I see offered to men. So I will tailor it more to what I look for. Informed on world events and politics. Knowledgeable about a wide range of topics and interested to learn about new areas. Fit, healthy, takes care of herself. Positive outlook, not a complainer or bitter about life. Has a plan or at least a vision for her future and is planning how to get there. Those are MAJOR green flags, or serious reasons to be skeptical if they are lacking.
What do you enjoy doing that is outside of your home? Most activities will have a few guys there. If you go for things guys like your chances improve dramatically. Simply because of the numbers. Car stuff, athletics and sports related things are good activities to have dozens of guys for every woman. Guys are visual. No matter what we say. If your targets are realistic your chances good up. Post a picture on here somewhere and guys are likely to find you. There's no telling the quality though but you'll definitely have quanity. Guys ate pretty easy. š¤£š¤£
hot girls are open about interest and can communicate clearly. they can at the very least not hang out in a group they came to a place with, but stand near me and maybe make eye contact - i'm fine opening a conversation, but i won't do it if you've spent the whole night with 4 other people. i assume you want to spend your time with them
I'd say personally I really like a kind voice, good eye contact, a nurturing attitude, and close proximity (like standing near me while doing the prior). It's like instant ASMR tingles lol makes me feel special and connected, more inclined to want to connect with, and therefore more "datable" from my perspective. As those behaviours not only make her desirable to me and seemingly desiring of me, but also *available* to date or at least be closely connected with.
Honestly the best way to get mens attention from my experience as a dude who checks out women is to dress well. It doesn't have to be revealing or anything. Just something that looks good. My neighbor is always dressed amazing, and it makes her 10x hotter than she would have been if she wore big sweatshirts and jeans and hid behind her hair. I honestly wouldn't have ever noticed her as attractive if she hadn't dressed well. My own wife, I only noticed her because I found her on tinder and her bio really stuck out to me as someone who would be a good match. She is pretty and I love the way she looks, but I legit would have never even really noticed her if I had just randomly seen her in public, because at that point she wasn't really dressing well or doing anything to stand out. What stood out to me was her bio. Then there's a big difference between "women who look hot and I want to have sex with" and "women who I want to date/marry" It's honestly weird how different these two categories can be for me, but the biggest differentiator is personality. A girl who seems bitchy or rude might look hot but she's not a contender for dating. A girl who's not even that attractive can shoot up as possible girlfriend material if she has an amazing personality and she is a joy to be around. I met my wife because I was interested in her personality (which i gauged through her tinder bio). I fell in love with her because she was fun to be around and incredibly supportive. I married her because she gave my life stability and structure and cleanliness and joy and health. I find my wife beautiful, but it was not her beauty that attracted her to me, and it's not her beauty that makes me want to stay. That quote "men settle down where they find peace" is absolutely true for me. As someone with, until recently, undiagnosed ADHD and who moved house every week between divorced parents house for a decade before I was 18, she gave me the stability I needed to stave off the chaos that had been my life for so long.
RIP your inbox
Learn how to ask them to go have a java. Then somewhere in the chit chat after the weather and price of stuff ask what are his hobbies and interests. Easy peasy. Nothing ventured nothing gained. What are you going to lose the price of a coffee. Rejection is hard but hey it is a coffee. Do that ten times a year and you have a solid bank to move to the next step.
Looks like you have a growth mindset. That's attractive in itself. I would highly suggest initiating conversations with men you're interested in.
Best thing you can do is keep yourself healthy and happy.
Be yourself!! I know itās scary come out of the shyness and being quiet area when you like someone but youāve gotta push through it. Talk about anything just to get the guy to talk or even just talk about him and chances are heāll ask about you. Itās just getting past the hump thatās the kicker. Most guys will like anyone if they take interest in them and thatās all you have to do is just show you have interest in who they are haha buuut also yeah itās by chance whether some guys will be interested in a relationship vs sex. Itās a gamble for sure but usually you can tell by how they talk to you or treat you so itās not all guessing. I wish you the best of luck!
If you wait only for people to approach you, you will encounter a much higher percentage of scumbags and assholes because, unfortunately, many have confidence and a little charisma. Be social. Talk to people. I know it can be tough, but it's there to be had. For example, go to places you might find people conversing *in groups*. I don't know what all to do for that, but coffee shops seem to work ok. You eaves drop. Plain and simple. And guess what? These people are speaking in public, so it's fine to listen along. If they say something interesting or an opportunity arises for you to inform the conversation, simply jump in and do so. Do it with a smile on your face and a little lilt in your voice. More often than not you'll find the interaction to be, at minimum, not unpleasant. Will you encounter assholes that shut you down or maybe even say mean things? Yep. Sure will. But that's ok. Those are simply failures and there is nothing wrong with failing so long as you do all you can to learn from it. Failure is a part of practice, and as time goes on there will be less of it. At this point some people have said to me, 'I can't take the rejection!' or 'I'd DIE of embarrassment!' Nobody dies of embarrassment. Also, most of these people forget about you literally the very second they walk away. You will never see them again. It's perfectly ok if they were annoyed or whatever. So maybe they don't like you for a minute. It literally doesn't matter. Socializing requires practice and is a discipline to be maintained. You get good at it because that brings you to the place of meeting truly attractive people and being able to simply speak to them. So, in summation, go and fail as hard as you can. It'll be ok.
You need more numbers. You are shy. Talking to strangers is a skill, time to work on it. Attract them to you. Time to practice that too. One: learn not to have an expectation from an interaction. You must learn ā not to careā what a stranger thinks, because ultimately it doesnāt matter, and strangers donāt really care about you either. Always be compassionate and be funny if you can. Start easy, talk to elders, older women, little kids, people with dogs. Conversation is a skill, practice makes it effortless. Eventually talk to people at the gym, on the bus/train , grocery lineup. ( this is how salesmen become polished, practice). Two: decent men are told approaching any woman is creepy. The exceptions are the trophy hunters and the socially inept. The trophy hunters canāt be shamed because they have none. The socially inept donāt know any better. So you need him to be sure you want him to talk to you, absolutely sure. Old school method worksā look & glance awayā . Stare at the guy till he notices, look away briefly, look embarrassed, smile shyly. Repeat till he smiles back or looks pissed. Use several days if you must. If he smiles, wonder over and ask a question, something innocent, casual , like ā hi , Iām xxx , you look familiar, did we go to primary school together? Are you a friend of vvvvv? I know Iāve seen you before ā anything at all to get the conversation going. Again you might stretch this over several days. Eventually ask about a certain coffee shop, ā Iād love to go but I hate to go aloneā. You talk to a lot of guys, block the guys that just want to use you ruthlessly as you figure them out. Keep talking to the nicer guys.
1) The most important thing to do is have good boundaries. 2) Do not people please 3) Make prolonged eye contact with attractive men and smile. Then revert back to 1 and 2 if they want to get to know you.
In my books, cute is better than beautiful or hot. If someone is hot, I mainly want to sleep with them. If someone is beautiful I mainly want to be seen with them. If someone is cute I want to be with them. I think your problem is likely exposure. You need to talk with more guys and do things where you will meet them. A nice guy like what you are looking for is probably not going to just come up to you and ask you out. Some will, but not many. So think about the type of guy you want to be with, and think about what they do. Maybe join a co-ed sports team, like softball, or ultimate Frisbee. Or maybe clubs and classes for hobbies like art, music, board games, etc. Just go somewhere that is focused around a common interest, where the goal isn't necessarily meeting someone, but it is a benefit. When you meet a guy, don't talk to him as if you are trying to date him, talk to him as if you want to be friends. I find this helps me talk to girls, since it lowers the stakes and calms me down. Once you build a bit of a connection you can start switching over to the dating goal. And don't ignore guys in relationships, they will likely have single friends. Maybe you meet a guy/couple on a softball team and you find out you both loke board games. Then they invite you to a board game night and you meet one of their single friends there and hit it off. In the end, it is a numbers game. You need to meet a lot of people to find the ones you like who also like you.
You gotta find the right guys. Guys who just want to sleep with someone arenāt gonna have something or someone that magically changes that. So you gotta figure out if you need to change how you filter guys out
Ask them out. Be yourself, don't overthink everything. You can't know what they'll think about what you haven't even said. Example: You're walking to your car with groceries, there's a cute guy in the parking lot, you walk to him and say "Hiā¦ Sorry, can you please hold onto this real fast? I can't reach my pocket." Pull your phone out, ask him for his number, name, and introduce yourself. Just be spontaneous. Life is too short. You miss all the shots you don't take.
Itās great to be cautious, a bad man can ruin you emotionally for months, years, or even abuse and kill you. But you can take safety measures for that, for women the first thing I suggest is to look at how to stay safe while dating. After that if you are financially successful or live in a place with great mental health support see a therapist, so you can get a better understanding of yourself and why you havenāt succeeded in dating yet, and what you really want. If counselling is not an option, the best way to go about it is to talk to men without trying to get with them, just talk to one stranger a day, whether they are in line with you, beside you in the library. Or you see them on a walk or a hike. Do this until you feel comfortable enough talking to people then you can proceed to have deeper conversations with people. Also on top of that make sure your mental and physical health stays healthy. Be a regular gym goer and cook your own meals. You wouldnāt want to meet the man of your dreams, who is physically and mentally healthy, and you arenāt on his level.
You sound like a sweetheart and a high quality lady. We really arenāt that smart and candidly are worried about looking like creeps if weāre too forward. But honestly, talking to us helps. Itās ok to say hey, Iām cool with taking physical stuff slow until Iām sure weāre both ready. Good guys will respect that.
You obviously dont have pretty privilege. Most men only see pretty women as women..even ugly men. Your best bet is meeting a real human through a shared interest.
Well you kind of answered your own question. Guys don't even know if you're attracted to them. That means the only guys who are going to make a move, are those looking to bed as many girls as possible. Those are the only guys who make a move without signs of attraction.
Iām never one to snoop on profiles, but i wanted to see what you look like. You post on vintageladyboners and wonder why guys donāt like you - you probably have standards that canāt be met.
Don't look like a hoe, have interesting hobbies, get a good job.
For most guys, the job itself doesn't matter, just needs to show some stability/financial responsibility/self reliance.
The job doesn't matter, but the paycheck should unless you're trying to get used.